going through divorce - Page 4

New Beginnings with Divorce
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New Beginnings with Divorce

Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce can be a catalyst for starting a new life – a chance to discover new interests and rediscover talents. Passions may have gotten put aside or buried in a turbulent marriage or divorce. Dust off the clarinet. Dig out your paint brushes. Get in touch with what you want to do with this new chapter in life.  For example, one recently divorced woman got back into her hobby of pottery. Now her lovely pieces are sold in various venues. Another person had dabbled in painting as a young adult. Post-divorce, she made this her full-time profession.  She is so happy and claims she owes this career change to her divorce.

Time to put yourself first

You may have put other people before you. Take care of yourself and do what you want to do. This means saying “No” to requests of your time and energy. No explanations are required. When you are over extended, you have less energy and your health can be affected. The stress of the divorce process is compounded when trying to live up to other’s expectations and doing too much. Nurture yourself during proceedings.  Set limits on your time in regards to helping others. It is harder to make a new beginning when bogged down with too many unnecessary obligations.

Take baby steps with change

Think about what you enjoyed in the past. What gives you pleasure now? How can you incorporate them into your life? Start by adding them into your schedule, the same as you do for appointments and work commitments. Put at least one fun or pampering activity in your calendar daily. Nurturing yourself helps lower your stress hormones, which makes it easier to try new endeavours .

Be open to opportunities

Consider taking a class which will benefit you professionally or personally. This can help initiate a new career path or different job. I took the opportunity to join Toastmasters when running into some of the members unexpectedly. This opened up doors to speaking internationally in fun locations.  Try new things when you have the opportunity. You broaden yourself and do not have to stick with anything for life. A friend offered me her drum set after my divorce. I took her up on it, and discovered a new passion. Take advantage of what comes your way.

A change of environment

Sometimes after an acrimonious divorce, moving away is what is needed to start over. Going back to the same cafés etc. where you went as a couple, can keep you rooted in the past.  A friend and his wife moved to a small town from London. After several years there, they divorced. Dylan felt that he could not escape her. Going to familiar places were a trigger for feeling her energy and not breaking free. He wanted a new life. Only when Dylan relocated and began a relationship with a lovely woman, was he able to start a new chapter in life.  New surroundings can be freeing from the past.

Break Free

Ask yourself what seems to be your stumbling block from having a new beginning. Even if something sounds bonkers, think about it. One man interviewed, said that his hair was a history to his past. After a horrible break up, he had all his hair cut off. He regrew it and feels no ties to his past and is living a new chapter. Do what it takes so you start anew.  Some people have changed their names post-divorce, not just the surname. Others have started new lives by going to retreats or an ashram. Travelling internationally and mingling with other cultures broadens one world and view point. This is what helped me have a new beginning and career.   Think about what excites you and go for it!

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.

Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again. She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com     

She writes the Jack Jack The Cat series for children.

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Navigating Divorce with Grace: Insights into Collaborative Law

Embarking on the journey of divorce or separation can be daunting, but there are alternative methods to traditional litigation that prioritise cooperation and mutual agreement. In this exclusive Q&A session, we sit down with Charlotte Bradley, an esteemed expert from Kingsley Napley, to delve into the world of Collaborative Law.

Discover insights, tips, and invaluable advice on how Collaborative Law can pave the way for amicable resolutions and a smoother transition during challenging times.

What is collaborative law/practice?

Collaborative family law (or practice) is a way in which a separating couple can, on a consensual basis, resolve issues without court proceedings.  You, your former partner/spouse and your respective lawyers all work together to resolve the various matters arising from separation, including the financial issues and the arrangements for any children.

How does it work?

Each client appoints a collaborative lawyer and the couple and their lawyers then consider the issues which should be addressed, and also which professionals to involve, for example a child specialist to consider the child arrangements, counsellors to support the parties and a financial professional to help with future financial planning. The lawyers and clients sign an agreement in which they all agree not to go to court and instead there is a series of meetings in which a transparent and open dialogue is encouraged. While each lawyer is representing their respective client, the professionals and the couple strive to work together as a team, with the joint aim of avoiding court proceedings. If either party decides they must go to court to obtain a final decision, then each of the couple need to instruct new lawyers.

How does it differ from other ADR options (such as mediation)?

Mediation uses a similar model of face to face meetings, but a mediator is not representing either of the couple. Although they can provide lots of information about options (the court process etc), the mediator is unable to advise on the likely outcome of any proposed settlement. For most family mediation, lawyers tend not to be in attendance (although increasingly, hybrid mediation where the lawyers are in attendance is becoming more common). Some individuals prefer the support of having a lawyer with them in meetings to help discuss and negotiate the various issues as happens in collaborative law.

What are the advantages?

Each client has the support of their trained collaborative lawyer who contracts with the couple to act in a constructive way and are encouraged to put all the family’s (including any children’s interests) at the forefront. For clients who feel insecure about attending mediation without their lawyer next to them (for example if there is a significant disparity in financial knowledge or bargaining power), collaborative law can be a good option as they can seek advice and support throughout albeit the advice that their lawyer gives is more transparent and negotiations should be less polarised than in the traditional court model. The possibility of counselling input and expert assistance around the children’s needs is actively encouraged. The flexibility of the process also enables other professionals to be brought in when needed, for example it is not unusual to bring in a financial planner and other professionals to help consider the future finances for the family including cash flow modelling, options around pensions etc.

What are the downsides?

Collaborative law is not suitable for everyone, and best serves couples who show a commitment to finding a solution to the various issues themselves but with legal support and advice. It is also only suitable for those who expect to give full and frank disclosure about their respective financial positions and other circumstances. Sometimes, if one of the couple wishes to delay the divorce (for example they intentionally postpone meetings etc), the collaborative process can be slow and costs can increase so careful managing of the process is required (and the lawyers and the couple need to be confident that the process is right for them before signing up). The collaborative agreement, requiring couples to change lawyers if the process breaks down and they want to go to court, can sometimes concern potential clients but that disqualification clause is important to encourage the couple and their lawyers to have the right solution focused mindset, to enable non-polarised negotiation and to resolve the issues.

Do you still have to go to court at the end?

No one needs to attend court and if agreement is reached, the collaborative lawyers can transfer the financial agreement into a draft consent order which is lodged at court (with financial summaries) for the judge to approve. It is also common in collaborative law (as it is in mediation) for the couple to prepare and sign a parenting plan setting out the arrangements for the children (although that is not routinely lodged at court).

How long does it take and how much does it cost?

Both answers depend on the issues to be resolved and how engaged the couple (and their lawyers) are to reaching a resolution. If they are committed to the process, and regular ‘four way’ meetings are diarised without delay in between, then collaborative law can be very quick as there is no court timetable applying. Or sometimes one or both of the couple can take time to come to terms with the breakdown of the marriage and resolve the various issues and need more time between four way meetings to reflect and to take advice from their collaborative lawyer. As to costs, they can vary depending on the amount of meetings and how complicated the issues are as the costs will depend on the amount of time the two lawyers spend on the collaborative case (typically based on their hourly rates). It can often be cheaper if the couple bring other professionals to assist on key areas (eg on the child arrangements or for cash flow modelling).

What else can it be used for (eg pre-nups)?

Collaborative law is very flexible and can be used in all areas of potential family dispute. It is particularly effective when couples are discussing the terms of a prenuptial or cohabitation agreement – so that each of them are having clear and transparent discussions with shared professional advice about their future plans and intentions, critical in my experience as different approaches on money and children can cause problems in a marriage or long- term relationship.

Is it a US import? What has changed in the last 20 years in the way it is used here?

So I did the first training in Europe just over 20 years ago (collaborative law having first started in the US and Canada), and with others, helped establish collaborative practice in the UK. What has changed is that we are more aware of the need to bring in non- legal professionals into the collaborative process (eg child specialists and counsellors) to really focus on the solutions for families on separation, with the law being only one small part.

How does it fit with clogged family courts, no-fault divorce, and other modern family law /societal trends?

Collaborative law is one of the now established methods of non-court resolution and, along with other non-court processes (like mediation) is actively encouraged by the government and the judiciary. Following the introduction of no-fault divorce two years ago to help reduce conflict between divorcing couples, there is strong encouragement for couples to resolve their differences without attending court, to reduce cost, the pressure on the court system and also to help avoid the effects of conflict on children which can be caused by long legal battles. And as new court rules come into law on 29 April 2024 to ensure that all couples consider non-court options such as mediation and collaborative law, collaborative practice is likely to be something that becomes of more interest to separating couples in the years to come.

Read more articles by Kingsley Napley.

About Charlotte Bradley

Charlotte Bradley is a Consultant and former head of the Family team at Kingsley Napley LLP. She advises on all aspects of family law, particularly issues to do with finances and children. She is author of the respected legal textbook on Schedule 1 cases. She is also an accredited mediator and collaborative lawyer, often working with high profile and high net worth couples keen to resolve their separation in private.

How to End a Marriage Peacefully
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How to End a Marriage Peacefully

chloe-o-contributor
Chloe O.
Alternative Dispute Resolution professional and Certified Divorce Coach
The Divorce and Separation Coach

Not all marriages end in drama and fanfare. In many cases, couples just grow apart. They stop loving each other or simply evolve in different directions. In these kinds of situations, most couples agree that there is no need for war or acrimony. They have come to the conclusion that their marriage is over, but it doesn’t mean everything they had together was a lie and should be destroyed. The question is then about how to end the marriage peacefully and with dignity, rather than angrily and destructively.

Key to the success of such an approach will be the intent of both parties. The more committed they are to managing things with low conflict, the more likely they are to succeed. Because, contrary to what one might think, divorcing amicably can be difficult. You need to negotiate the terms of your agreements, which requires compromise and flexibility. In many ways, divorcing in court is the easy way out: you are delegating the decision-making to a judge. It involves great cost and means you have no control over the terms of your divorce, but it doesn’t involve agreeing to some of the other spouse’s requests.

Couples are more likely to divorce peacefully when they have learned to trust and communicate with each other during their marriage. If the couple has worked together as a team in raising their children and running a family, they are better able to leverage these skills once again at the time of separation. Trust is a key ingredient here as it allows each spouse to feel confident that the other isn’t trying to stab them in the back, and that the proposals they are making are reasonable. It doesn’t mean they will agree on everything, but it means that they are both willing to listen to the logic behind the other person’s position, and to contemplate things from their point of view, without assuming any ill intentions.

Most importantly though, the key to a successful divorce is to seek professional support. Even for a couple who is starting things off with the best of intentions, there is always a degree of conflict involved in divorce. The process requires disentangling two lives, which means everyone is losing something. There will inevitably be times when the soon-to-be-divorced couple will disagree on how to proceed. Professional support can help them get unstuck and explore other options. They can help them leverage conflict de-escalation techniques to make sure they don’t become entrenched in seemingly irreconcilable positions. As mentioned above, amicable divorce is hard work, and it is sometimes difficult to stay the course. The key here is not just to get help when you need it, it is to reach out to like-minded professionals whose objective is to support you in achieving a low-conflict divorce. Caution is therefore of the essence in selecting the professionals who will see you through your divorce negotiations.

The prize, however, makes it all worth the effort. By having a peaceful divorce, you will be preserving your own and your children’s wellbeing by limiting stress, conflict, and uncertainty. If you are co-parenting, this means you will ultimately find it easier to work together as a team to raise your children going forward and have a much better post-divorce relationship. A peaceful divorce will also help you achieve a much better outcome because it will be one that you agreed to willingly, after careful consideration, not one that was dictated by a third party who doesn’t know you. Unfortunately, the idea that divorce is a war where someone loses and someone wins still dominates mindsets. The reality is that everyone will lose a little and win a little. But when you go to court and turn the process into an open conflict, everybody loses, including your children and your bank account.

Read more articles by Chloe O.

About Chloe O.

“My name is Chloe O., I am an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) professional and a Certified Divorce Coach. I specialise in working with women to help them reduce conflict during and after divorce by improving their negotiation and communication skills with their spouse. The objective is to work towards an amicable divorce outcome in order to minimise the emotional and financial cost of divorce. I work with all types of clients but I have extensive experience in supporting expatriates and international families who are dealing with the unique situation of living abroad during and after their divorce, with limited local family support, language barriers and relocation considerations.”

For more information about my work and services (including my Podcasts, newsletter, myth-buster videos…), you can visit my website and/or follow me on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.

Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach
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Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach

Sushma Kotecha
Sushma Kotecha
Family Mediator, Holistic Divorce Life Coach &
Mind-Body Practitioner
Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching

Hello there,

Divorce can feel like sailing through stormy seas, can’t it? Emotions are swirling, and finding your way forward can seem daunting. But amidst the turbulence, there’s a guiding light: a holistic approach to divorce and separation.

Understanding Holistic Divorce

Let’s break it down. Holistic divorce isn’t just about legal proceedings; it’s about tending to your emotional, physical and mental well-being too. It recognises that divorce impacts every aspect of your life and seeks to address those impacts comprehensively.

Imagine this: instead of battling it out in court, you and your ex-partner give mediation a go and sit down with a mediator to find common ground. This approach not only saves time and money but also reduces stress and promotes cooperation. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

But holistic divorce goes even deeper. It prioritises the emotional health of everyone in the family, especially the children. Through coaching, counselling, and therapy, families can navigate the emotional challenges of divorce with support and guidance.

The Power of Compassion

Now, here’s where the real magic happens. Compassion is your compass through this journey. It means extending kindness to yourself and even to your ex-partner, despite the hurt and anger you may be feeling.

Practicing compassion isn’t easy, especially when emotions are running high. But it can be the key to healing old wounds and finding closure. By letting go of resentment and embracing forgiveness, you free yourself from the weight of the past and open yourself up to a brighter future.

Practical Guidance for Holistic Healing

Let’s get practical. Self-care is your secret weapon here. Whether it’s carving out time for yoga, journaling, or simply taking a walk in nature, prioritise activities that nourish your soul. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure to take care of yourself first.

And when kids are in the picture, co-parenting becomes crucial. Keep communication open and always prioritise their well-being. Remember, they’re going through their own emotional journey too, so be patient and understanding.

In conclusion, embracing a holistic approach to divorce is like stepping into the light after a long night. It’s about finding strength in vulnerability and paving the way for a brighter future. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. With the right support and guidance, you can navigate this challenging time with compassion and clarity.

About Sushma Kotecha

Sushma Kotecha, an accredited family mediator, certified holistic life coach, mind-body practitioner, and author of ‘Holistic Divorce: Sh*t Happens, It’s How You Deal With It That Counts’ is a passionate advocate for empowering individuals navigating through challenging life transitions.

With over 30 years of professional experience in the divorce sector and a deep understanding of family law and mediation, she founded Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching to provide a truly transformative and compassionate approach to divorce and separation. As a divorcee herself, she fully comprehends the emotional trauma of this journey, and is committed to helping individuals create harmonious post-divorce lives.

Her mission is to inspire and empower separating couples to stay out of court, take stock, and make well-informed, mindful decisions. By embracing a holistic approach encompassing the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual toll of separation and divorce, her clients can heal, thrive, and build stronger connections with their children and family members.

She offers a range of services, including personalised online divorce life coaching, mediation, communication support, and co-parenting guidance. By integrating her legal expertise, accredited mediation skills, mind-body practitioner, and holistic life coaching qualifications, she delivers a service that sets her clients on a path towards healing, growth, and renewed purpose.

Sushma is deeply passionate about helping people going through separation and/or divorce. By working together, they embark on a transformative journey, where she guides them to navigate the legal aspects of divorce while nurturing their emotional and spiritual well-being.

Throughout her career, Sushma had the privilege of positively impacting the lives of countless individuals, providing them with the tools and support to emerge stronger and more resilient. As a finalist at the Leicestershire Business Awards 2022 in the category of ‘Entrepreneur of the Year’, the Niche Business Awards 2023 in the category of ‘Best New Business of the Year’ and ‘Family Mediator of the Year’ in the British Family Law Awards 2024, she takes immense pride in the success of Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching.

You can find Sushma and stay connected through her website where you’ll discover valuable resources and insights to guide you through your separation and/or divorce journey. For her personal story click here.

Stay connected with Sushma on social media platforms by following her on X, Instagram, and LinkedIn for regular updates, inspirations, and a glimpse into the world of holistic mediation and divorce life coaching.

Sushma looks forward to walking alongside you on this transformative path, offering compassion, guidance, and support as you embrace the next chapter of your life with clarity and resilience.

Protecting Your Mental Health in Divorce
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Protecting Your Mental Health in Divorce

Gemma Scourfield
Gemma Scourfield
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor
Woolley & Co Solicitors

Divorce can often cast a shadow on your mental well-being amidst the whirlwind of legal proceedings, daily responsibilities, and emotional upheaval. Understanding that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed is the first step in safeguarding your mental health. According to research from Science Direct, the emotional distress of ending a relationship intensifies when children are involved, introducing feelings of guilt alongside a myriad of other emotions. This is echoed by findings from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, which indicate that children also deeply feel the impact of their parents’ separation, potentially leading to emotional and behavioural issues.

In 2022 alone, England and Wales saw approximately 80,000 divorces, underscoring the prevalence of marital breakdowns and the importance of managing their emotional consequences. It’s essential for parents navigating mental health in divorce to seek support not only for themselves but also for their children. Resources like those provided by the Royal College of Psychiatrists can be invaluable during these trying times.

Legal support plays a pivotal role in mitigating stress during divorce. Opting for a lawyer who prioritizes non-confrontational approaches can alleviate much of the emotional strain. It’s important to choose a solicitor who communicates clearly, without overwhelming you with legal jargon, and respects your pace throughout the decision-making process. Inquiring about fixed fees can also prevent financial concerns from adding to your stress.

Moreover, if you find the emotional toll of divorce challenging to bear, remember that support is available. Organizations such as Parenting Lives, Relate, and Family Lives offer advice, support, and resources to help you manage stress and navigate the emotional journey of divorce.

Remember, taking steps to protect your mental health in divorce is not just crucial for your well-being but also for your children’s. Amidst the chaos of divorce, prioritising self-care and seeking appropriate support can pave the way for healing and resilience.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Gemma Scourfield

Gemma is a divorce and family law solicitor with Woolley & Co, Solicitors based in Pembrokeshire West Wales. She has been based in Wales since qualifying in 2007 although has clients throughout the UK and abroad. In 2016, Gemma was accredited as an Advanced Family Law Panel Member with the Law Society which recognises her expertise in domestic abuse and financial relief.

Gemma qualified as a family law solicitor in 2007, she joined Woolley & Co from a regional firm in Wales in August 2021.

Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce Interview
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Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Jules Anderson
Jules Anderson
Functional Health Coach and Founder of feelglorious.com

Introducing our latest transcript blog featuring an enlightening interview with Jules Anderson, a distinguished Natural Health and Nutrition Consultant. In this insightful conversation, Jules shares invaluable wisdom on nurturing your mind and body not just during, but after a divorce.

Join us as we delve into practical strategies for protecting your mind and physical health during a turbulent period. Get ready to be inspired and empowered as we explore the transformative power of taking care of yourself mentally and nutritionally.

Read on for the full transcript of our video, “Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce.”

 

Today we have Jules. Welcome everybody to The Divorce Magazine it’s an online magazine that deals with all aspects of divorce and um, all the contributors that we have on The Divorce Magazine such as Jules are all professionals so we don’t have bloggers and um, people who just kind of know a little bit of something about something, we have professionals who contribute to The Divorce Magazine all the time except where somebody is writing um, an article about their own experience of divorce.

So today we have Jules, Jules Anderson, I used to be a client of Jules Anderson a few years ago and I still remember some of the things that you said to me in terms of nutrition and health. So I’ll tell you a little bit about Jules.

Jules has a degree um, a first class degree in Chemistry, a diploma in Anatomy and Physiology, she’s a trained Integrative Nutritionist and Functional Medicine and is a certified Metabolic Balance Practitioner. Jules specialises in midlife health and has a particular passion for enhancing energy, longevity, and health span, enabling people to live better, for longer. Her approach is a combination of cutting edge science and technologies as you can see from her um, qualifications they just all fall into place, as well as natural approaches and behavioural psychology, to create vibrant health and that actually lasts.

And um, yeah I just started off by saying that I still remember what and this was maybe in 20 I don’t know, 14 or something like that where you, I was your client and I still remember stuff that you said to me. So that actually lasts. Yes it does last. Jules founded Feel Glorious in 2011, and works internationally with individuals and businesses such as Schroders, Rathbones, Amazon, Shell Foundation, Uncommon, Green King, Telus Communication, and wework, and those are just some of them I know there others Jules we haven’t put on there.

She has been featured in health publications including Natural Health, Health & Wellbeing, and Time & Leisure magazines. She’s the creator of Thrive, which is a comprehensive health programme revitalising the health of exhausted professionals, you know who you are, we know, I know who I am, in that way exhausted professionals, to ease pain, reduce stress, renew energy, and transform performance and wellbeing. So welcome Jules so good to have you and thanks so much for being one of our interviewers on The Divorce Magazine. Oh it’s an absolute pleasure, so good to be speaking with you. Is there anything I’ve missed out on to mention Jules from your biography or? It’s all, I think that’s all the main elements there’s obviously lots more but um, that’s, that’s me in a nutshell. Okay and then in the end we’ll, we’ll give you a website and so people know where to find you yeah? Yeah.

What Should Somebody Going Through Divorce Keep in Mind in Terms of Nurturing and Wellbeing?

Okay so Jules here we are, Divorce Magazine, and we’re talking about nutrition and wellbeing when you’re going through divorce and I just wanted your take on this, what would you say to somebody who’s going through divorce because sometimes we reach out for the easiest, you know coping skills, or strategies. But what would you ask somebody or people who are going through divorce to keep in mind in terms of naturing and wellbeing?

Well one of the main issues I find is because divorce can be such a long drawn out process, and it can be really stressful there’s uncertainty, there’s navigating sort of, the legal system which for most people is really unfamiliar um, and that can be um,  and then you’re trying to balance managing your, your children’s health and managing your own, you know self and juggling work and all the responsibilities you already have with this additional stressful process, prioritising your health and managing those stress levels, being aware of the toll that it’s taking on you.

Because, and I’ve so many of my clients are going through some kind of turbulent upheaval in their, in their private life, and it’s had knock on effects on their health, and often I’m seeing people at the tail end of that. So the one thing I’d always encourage people to look at, is actually really prioritising your health as you’re going through it, to help you manage it better, to help you make better decisions along the way because sometimes when you’re, it’s very common to reach for sugar, and comfort foods, and bottles of wine, and things that might, a little bit of short term relief. But what often happens is people end up relying on them too much and when the process has gone on for a long time, they become a coping mechanism that’s actually not really helping and often just exacerbating the problem because they have knock on effects on your mental health, on the quality of your sleep and actually exacerbating the stress that you’re already feeling.

So whilst I would never say to someone go full on, on a you know, embark on some new rigid um, restrictive regime in terms of health, nurturing your health in a more gentle way, through the whole process will mean that you don’t end up like some of my clients, falling off the waterfall um, at the end, rather than actually if you address it sooner, when you emerge from divorce, you’re emerging with some strength and some resilience still intact.

How Do I Know if I Need to Change the Way That I’m Managing? What Would My Body Tell Me?

Yeah so if, if I what, what would you because you’re talking about nurturing, you know and being aware of how, you know, how to cope, with the whole process and I’m just wondering how do I know if I need to change the way that I’m, I’m, I’m managing? What would, what would my body tell me? Is it that I wouldn’t be sleeping well? Would I be shouting at the children? Would I just be exhausted, brain fog? Are those the kind of signs that you know something needs to change, um, when you’re going through a, you know divorce or separation?

Yeah, those are all really typical even in term, in even without the, going through an official divorce process, even if you’re just having problems with your primary relationship, yeah, it those the, the impact of those um, extra emotional stresses, people will often find they’re not sleeping. We often find that we are more irritable, more snappy, more this is to do with our sort of our stress hormones interact with other hormones in our body, so the stress hormones interact with our metabolic hormones, so like, like our sort of insulin release, it affects our sugar levels and that can make you more, crabby and more and, and your energy erratic um, it affects the, the sort of neurotransmitters going on in your brain so it’ll affect how fulfilled and, and all those kind of endorphin levels get depleted because you’re, you’re burning up with, with too many stress hormones so it tips the balance of, all of those in your body.

So typically it’s mood uh, sleep, cravings are really common um, and you do seek and crave out sweet foods um, and you’ll look for, you’ll, people seek those out and I always, people say “oh how much is too much?” And, and “how do I know?” Well, if you actually just sit back, most people can, can judge themselves when a small glass of wine at the end of the day, or a little piece of chocolate as a treat um, is, is just that, just to take the edge off what can be a really stressful time.

Most people if they really thought about it and honest with themselves would know when it’s tipping into, I’m just relying on that now, it’s like I need chocolate, I need a drink. Rather than I’m just going to have that just as a, a nice little extra treat you know I’m gonna let myself have that. Yeah, okay.

What Happens to Our Body When We’re Going Through Stress?

Yeah and um, because one of the things that you know, we’ve talked a lot about here already is the stress. And I was actually just talking about stress with my daughters the other day, and saying that stress is, actually a thing, it’s not just you know what we so used to saying, I’m stressed, I’m stressed, I’m stressed, but stress in itself can actually be a thing that can be so detrimental to your health, right? And I was wondering if we can just touch on, you know the body’s response to stress what, what happens to the body when we’re going through stress? I just want people to know that it is actually a thing it’s, it’s not just a word!

Yeah, we, we have it we use it so much these days as if it is this kind of free flowing concept, yeah, people are always having so stressed but what happens is it’s a, it’s an evolutionary, biological response and a survival mechanism. So, as, as we evolved, we, and it’s designed in our bodies as a response to keep us safe. So if you think back um, back in you know thousands of years ago, we were having to escape from predators. So you know a tiger would appear, a tiger’s going to eat us, we have to, our body stimulates a response that gets us super alert and primes our muscles. So all, all the body’s attention is going into the systems in the body that are going to make us run like the clappers and get away from the tiger.

Um, and that’s meant to be a really short-term response. What it also does in turning on those body systems, for the alertness for the muscle strength, it’s turning off every other system in the body that it deems unnecessary. So, things like digestion. Things like reproduction, because the last thing, if you’re running away from a tiger, the last thing you’re going to do is stop to have a bagel um, you know you don’t, your body doesn’t need to be digesting food, yeah, it’s why a lot of people who are highly stressed have problems conceiving, because the body doesn’t deem, reproduction necessary when it’s in survival mode. So it will turn off and restrict all those processes that lead to healthy reproduction. It’s the same with sleep, the last thing your body needs is to be feeling sleepy when it needs to escape a predator you need to be super alert, so the body can go into, in, in short term it’s really valuable, but in long term most of us now aren’t suffering from short term um, survival threatening stresses, but we are suffering, from a drip feed of chronic, small stressors.

Whether it’s I’m late for a meeting and my child won’t put his shoes on um, or, you know someone’s cut me up when I’m trying to get out of my driveway, or all those small those small, everyday stresses, like I’m working to a deadline or I’m late for something, they’re al,l they will have the same response in the body, because the body isn’t differentiating between the type of stress, but what we’re getting is a is a drip feed of stress hormones into our system, when what we’re designed to do is have a huge um, a sort of massive influx of stress hormones, and then a very quick release of them, and then we can all we can relax afterwards.

Yeah, um, and what happens when we’ve got long-term drip feed of stress hormones um, it’s affecting, we’ve got complete hormone imbalance, but then also our body gets locked in this hypervigilant mode, which makes us anxious, it stops us sleeping, because stress hormones don’t want us to sleep. So if you’ve got too many stress hormones in your body, it’s why we’re wide awake in the middle of the night because, it’s a hormonal imbalance in our body due to stress.

Do you then just feel like um, because as you’re speaking even when you’re talking about the drip, you know, of stress I’m feeling it I’m thinking oh my gosh, yeah, that can be just there’s no moment of rest and maybe that’s when people start becoming um, snappy with their children, or during divorce processes if, as soon as you see a text message from your ex um, spouse you’re already like, and maybe they’re just sending a message saying “stuck in traffic” um, “running late will be there in 10.” And immediately you see that you’re already like oh my God it’s always late, she’s always late, you know and you’re already just, you know worked up even before anything has happened cause you have this stress just, running through your, your body.

If we think about trigger it’s because we’re super sensitive as the way we would be if we we’ve got up a tree, but we know the Tiger’s still there and it can climb! Relax, and the least sound, even just leaf snapping, is going to make your whole body jolt and that’s, that’s.

What Can Someone Do Nutritionally or Wellbeing Wise to Relieve Stress?

What would you suggest what would you suggest in terms of because, I know even working with, with some of the clients that I work with where there’s they’re very, very I would say stuck in this um, stress situation where you don’t understand what he’s doing, you don’t understand what she’s doing, you know even shifting from there, what would you suggest either nutritionally, wellbeing, that a person in that state, where they’re really stuck in an acrimonious divorce does for themselves?

You know one of the most healthy things that someone can do and, and the most almost instant, you can almost instantly access a different part of your nervous system, is and, it’s the technical term is kind of somatic exercises, or somatic awareness, which basically means your body, rather than your mind and it’s really interesting because even as we’re talking you were doing, you were actually doing this, and this is what I see in so many clients, we get we’re a very cerebral culture these days, and when you’re in the process of something like a divorce, we’re used to having to think our way through the process, because we’re so overwhelmed with new information, new situations and there’s so much going on in our heads, we add in this hypervigilance and, and there’s so much energy going on up here, that that becomes, we get stuck and it’s very difficult to think your way out of it. Yeah, and actually if you can access your, your body, our bodies have so much wisdom, again this is evolutionary biochemistry, not anything fluffy or, or woo woo or esoteric, but when we can access our, our body in a more visceral way, then it can take the energy out of our heads and back into our bodies.

So, anything from there’s so many different breathing techniques you can do, to get your breath, because we end up holding our breath, and that again is, is stopping a lot of processes in our body from going on, so just being aware of your breath and trying to kind of breathe into something. Uh techniques like yoga, anything that, or dancing, or walking outside in nature the real, the simple things that you read about all the time, the reason they make us feel good if they get us into our bodies. You can move around um, actually when you, if you watch an animal who’s run, or you know animals say dogs have been chasing each other in the park, or anything like that and they’ve expended a lot of energy a dog will shake, or an animal will shake, after a stressful situation. If you watch a nature program, and you know the deer have been running away from the, the you know the, the cheater or whoever’s chasing, them afterwards quite often these animals will shake themselves out, and that gets rid of a lot of the stress. Dissipates a lot of the stress hormones and the tension in the body.

So movement, any kind of movement to dissipate the tension um, you know which is why hot baths and showers can really help because we’re into our bodies and swimming um, things like that can really help, singing, things like singing really helped because, I did hear that actually from the vibration of the, yes, and this is to do with our, we’ve got something called the vagus nerve which is the, the, the nervous system that runs from our, we talk about our gut brain you know we have gut feelings, and we can get butterflies, we can get nervous tummy, and we’ve got this, communication that goes on between our guts and our brains, connected by something the vagus nerve, and things like singing really activate the vagus nerve, and what that does is it pulls us out of that fight or flight, which is all the release of hormones and chemicals that help us run away from Tigers, back into what’s sort of the it’s called the parasympathetic nervous system which is the rest, and digest, the peaceful the, you know the deer are all just grazing and having a great time and not, you know, with not care in the world um, and we need to be in that rest and digest mode for something like 90 – 95% of our day and we only need to be in that stress mode for about 5%. Um, and short bursts.

So anything yeah, movement, you know just moving, I remember I used, when I was going through my divorce and I didn’t even realise this but I used to love to dance in the kitchen, on my own like no one is watching to just like, you know dance put on my music and just dance, so I see why that can um, why I was doing it then um, so singing, also just using your voice um, also what else can, I love those and showers and you know, just something physiological that you’re, yeah. Things that help get you, into out, anything that gets you out of your head so for some people just going for a long walk, or going to the garden, or playing an instrument, or, you know there’s some, there’s certain things that people just you know, some people love going to all second-hand bookshops and just you know, mooting around those, anything that gets you into a, a sort of either that kind of what they call like a flow state where you lose track of time, but particularly where, you’re using your body.

You know people will go often, people will go for a run, I would never say to someone start running, or start going to the gym, or start doing an exercise regime, it’s like find the thing that you love, because the other thing about doing something that you love, is it stimulates another um, something called nitric oxide in the body which is very, good for your, sort of circulation it’s like a bit of a high it makes you feel good it’s a, it’s a sort of real feel good type molecule as well, as all the, it’s got some amazing benefits for things like cardiovascular health.

What Food Should You Avoid When Dealing With Stress or Going Through a Divorce?

What about um, food wise what to avoid when you’re going through divorce? We know sugar and alcohol, in plenty, you’re not saying don’t have any of it, but, what, what other foods can we avoid when we’re going through divorce and separation?

Those, those really are the, the main culprits. I always think when you’re in a situation like that where you’re struggling, that kind of combination of stress, sleep, and sugar, sort of three s’s, can become a real vicious cycle and the problem with sugar is the reason people do it, is because it gives you a burst of energy, which when people struggling through a divorce, any kind of little burst of energy to help get you through it, is helpful and that’s to do with the insulin release. But it also releases some endorphins, so you get a little bit of a high when you’ve had something nice and sweet um, but in the long term, it’s completely messing up that hormone balance, it’s also feeding your bad gut bacteria, and then it will lead to cravings and it’s the same with alcohol because you’ve got so much sugar in alcohol anyway, and it’s that same cycle.

Yeah, so I would always say and processed foods, any type of processed food, or low nutrient level, sort of junk foods, things with too many additives and artificial anything in them, yeah, it’s adding burden on your body and if it’s adding burden on your body system, that’s already over stressed, it’s almost like trying, you sort of got your scales there and you’ve tipped all these extra stresses on your body and then if you’re adding food that your body doesn’t recognise, it’s just tipping the scales even further into red because things like processed and junk foods or, you know highly sugared foods things lots of additives there, your body doesn’t know what to do with them. You don’t, not evolved to know what to do with a with a synthetic chemical, so our liver is frantically trying to detoxify it, our body can’t process it, often it’s storing things away in fat again to keep our body safe, it’s like well, almost you can shove it away in fat cells because toxins get stored in fat, so a lot of people find they gain weight, so there’s, there’s a lot of things that you can do to help you whilst again, I’m not about, as soon as you tell your body to stop something completely, all your brain will ever think about is that thing, if you say to someone don’t have any alcohol at all or don’t have any sugar, that’s the one thing that they just can’t stop thinking about.

So you’ve got to be able to let yourself be okay with having some, yeah, but there’s things that can stop you craving, because again, we talked about stress and sleep and they can they mess with your hormone balance and hormones that, that, that signal hunger and signal satisfaction get thrown out of balance as well, so, which is why you keep craving things, you can’t just have one glass of wine and you keep craving more, more, and more. It’s because your hormones have got knocked out of balance, yeah, and your I’m satisfied hormone isn’t working properly but if you start, rather than thinking about taking loads of stuff out, I always think if you put more things in, that help those hormones, help trigger satisfaction and trigger you know actually, do you know what, I don’t feel like I don’t feel hungry anymore, it’s going to reduce your need to eat in the first place.

I like that idea of um, instead of thinking what to take out, think about what to bring in that will then rebalance your hormones and, and, um your satisfaction you know, I guess hormones to tell you that you’ve had enough. I also like the fact that you’re not saying um, okay that’s it no more sugar, because sugar comes in so many things so I would spend my day looking, does this have sugar and already I’m stressed that I’m going through divorce, here comes my kid who’s screaming, I don’t have time to start looking and thinking does it have, go no I can’t have that, it’s more, you know slowly, and whatever works for you physically, you know in terms of, of enjoying it, it sounds so, so, naturing when you look at it like that it’s because we are people, we’re not little machines who can just switch on and off little things but this sounds so naturing and, and you know looked after, and looking after in the best way that we can at that moment, without being told you know that is x.

I always think the, the, the most successful approach in any kind of health approach, is one that you can maintain, because we don’t, you’re absolutely right we’re not creatures in a lab experiment, devoid of everything that’s going on around us, we’re real people, with messy lives often, with lots of stressors and lots of things we have to juggle, and then we’re all different.

We have individual circumstances, environments, we all have individual intolerances, and sugar and toxins and all of these things, and we have to be mindful of what suits us when we’re, when everything in life is going really well, is different to what’s going to suit us when we’re going through a quite a turbulent time emotionally, um, and practically and logistically you know, it’s not just an emotional issue divorce, you’ve got lots of extra responsibilities to deal with, there’s lots of anxiety over, finances, there’s lots of practical issues around gosh, so now I’m going to have to leave work at 5 to pick up kids because my partner’s not there and, and all of those things and take a massive toll and you have to take an individual approach, yeah, and do it in a way that brings all of those elements into play because it’s not as simple as, you know nutritionally, this is the ideal things that we should be eating, yeah, but we’re not one type of person, in one type of circumstance or just in a in a lab.

If you do small things on a daily basis it’s going to have far more effect than, trying to do big things in the short term because then you know, you can’t sustain them. If I, um, I mean one I, I need to say this because I, one of the things that has stuck with me since when we started working together, you know out of everything else, was um, remember how much I used to eat biscuits and I didn’t realise just how many biscuits I was eating in the day until we did the whole food check and um, nowadays I can just go for ages without even thinking about a biscuit. I can think to myself ‘oh yeah I’m going to get myself some custard creams’ and I have a couple and then I’m like, well that’s enough, you know you didn’t turn around and say that’s it Soila, no biscuits and look it, it lasted, and it’s worked, and it’s helped and amongst other things.

How Would You Start the Process if You Are Working With Someone Who is Going Through a Divorce?

But um, what I wanted to ask you Jules so you know you mentioned about your Thrive um, Programme, is that also for people going through divorce? Can it be for people going through divorce and separation? Is it for, and I ask this question knowing kind of like what the answer is it, is it for both male, female, them, any gender, sexuality, you know because talking about, okay let’s imagine that I’ve come to you, to you know, just for clarity.

I’ve come to you, I’m going through a divorce um, we’re going to court next week, I have got two you know, children at home and I’m really stressing I’m beginning to see my skin is changing, I’m putting on weight and I need help um, where would you start with me?

Well with, with the program I’ve got and yes, and in answer to your, excuse me, in answer to your first question, it is for anybody. I do tend to work more with people in midlife, in sort of 40s and 50s, because they tend to be coming to me more with a, a list of issues rather than just I’ve got a particular problem sorting out, but often it’s because they’re in the midst of some turbulent situation, either at work or in relationship is feeding into that so it’s something that would work regardless and actually I’m, I’m, actually even looking at having more specific um, elements of the programme, for people going through divorce because I’ve had such a lot of interest from uh, law firms in putting some provision together for their clients.

But even with the individual one, what we do is for all the clients, I mean with anyone I’ll take a, a full comprehensive uh, health history assessment and there’s a questionnaire so we had, we have an initial session that’s 90 minutes, so to understand every part of your health, and your life, and your situation, because any stressful situations are going to be a huge component of how we approach getting to the, getting out the other side. But then we’ll address, address throughout the, the program we’ll address the key what I, is call them the key pillars of health which is and we’ve talked about stress and sleep, we’ve talked about gut health, we’ve talked about hormones, we’ve talked about metabolism, um, and then also mindset and habits.

Because making for me, having those, creating small, daily and I’d almost rather call them rituals, than routines, or actions, daily actions because that almost implies something you have to make yourself do. Whereas if you can create it as a ritual, something that you can enjoy doing, you can then, so you’ll want to sustain it, and because we’re all really busy people, the last thing we want to do is you say spend our day weighing food, looking at food labels, double-checking everything and, feeling guilty, exactly, exactly because guilt is another way of stimulating stress hormones.

So, we’ll cover through on a one-to-one basis I would normally take people on for like a six month programme, and then we’ll look at each of those pillars um, individually but we’ll be focusing very much on what each individual person um, the individual needs because everyone’s got slightly different priorities in terms of health, you can look at actually which, which of these areas is the most important to tackle first and actually or, which of them actually is quite a simple one to tackle, because if, if we can get some quite quick results for people, then that’s always going to be beneficial, because if you’re getting some quick results and you start to feel better quickly, everything goes better, you’ll be able to better tackle the rest of the process, you’ll be more motivated um, so it works on, on all those levels they all cover those, those pillars.

Holistic, it’s quite holistic, it’s because it needs to be to gain the long-term success. Because there’s, it, there’s millions of people out there who will and show on their website here’s this amazing transformation this person’s had, here’s a before and an after, what they don’t show them, is that same person six months later, or a year later, when 95% of them and the research shows this time and time again, 95% of those great success stories, a year later have returned to back to where they were, or actually worse. So, me, yeah, having something people can sustain is. Sorry Jo, I’m just thinking what, what um, because what I’m hearing from your, your programme it’s not just the dos and the rituals but it’s also, for the person to understand, what actually happens to them at that moment and to link my nutrition, my well-being, to my whole self, it’s not just meat is bad for you, eggs are brilliant, bananas and mangoes, and, all that it’s actually yeah but why, what about them makes it important for me to have it now, and to not have too much of this. So I think un connecting the two, understanding and doing can help in the long-term plans that you, you have for your wellbeing pre, post, during divorce.

It’s really important to know because we’re it’s one thing to say things like meat is bad, banana’s good, but it varies a lot from person to person, and if somebody is not a meat eater, or is, lactose intolerant, or you know, there’s lots of there’s lots of small factors and nuances, the most important thing as, as you mentioned, is if you can understand your own body, your own preferences, and your own responses, and I know when we work together we did a lot in terms of writing stuff down and doing food diaries and doing little kind of various sort of experiments on, on to help you experience, how your body reacts, because it’s one thing reading something in a book or a magazine or seeing it on TV and understanding it intellectually, but when you experience it, and you write it down, that understanding in itself, yeah, um, really helps people, in terms of motivation, in terms of what action they take.

And I’ve, since we worked together because that must be like you say more than 10 years ago probably, yeah, um, I’ve introduced more, because there’s a lot of, of really great technology available now, so I’ve introduced some of that into the programess that I work with so that um, we can measure say your blood response to glucose um, and things like uh, there’s something called heart rate variability, which measures your individual response to stress, right, shows the impact that your day-to-day actions not only have on your stress and recovery. So again, looking at you’re almost seeing it on a chart of those bursts of energy versus recovery, like we’re supposed to do, and a lot of people are just showing that it’s all red bars so constant, constant stress and no recovery, and you can see really clearly the impact it has on your sleep quality.

So, even just, I find that people seeing something on a chart, helps reinforce, and then if you, you log it to what you do in a day, you can very quickly start to see that you know what a small glass of wine, if I have it by 7 o’clock, doesn’t really impact my sleep much but if I have a couple of glasses or I have them later in the evening, gosh it makes a big difference. I work late, I’m up on my computer and screen’s working late, does that have an impact on my sleep? Or what happens if I take a break at lunchtime or compared to when I power through because I’ve got a deadline? And when you can see it in a chart um, writing it down obviously as you know from working together, makes a difference, it does.

Days when you say, no I didn’t have any biscuits on yesterday, well actually I’m looking at your diary here Soila it says you had four! In the morning! You can forget, yes, but writing down is a, is really beneficial but the, the, the additional benefit you can get from using a bit of technology, often really, I will only ever use those if they stimulate action in people. They help understanding and they, they inspire action because other than that, I have a little bit of a love hate relationship devices because, a lot of people, they will, particularly when it comes to sleep, steps can be motivating, but a lot of the other metrics on there, and I find particularly with sleep, I’ve had several clients say to me you know “I can look at my sleep, I look at my sleep on my device, or my on my phone and I woke up and I felt fine and then I looked and my, my, my, Apple watch told me I’d had really rubbish sleep last night so then I felt bad” and you’re actually letting a device tell you how you should feel, and that is not something. But I think it can be used much more intelligently to help you understand your body, and take specific action.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no I, I, I, really like the, individual stance that you’re taking with your clients. It’s not, an umbrella you know that everybody should cut down on meat, everyone should have more chicken, it’s not that it’s actually looking at me, and what how I work, how I operate, what Soila has, doesn’t have, what works, what doesn’t work and not, you know putting the same thing to, onto Penny, who’s doing something different and you think that we should be doing the same thing. So I really like that whole idea and I know that it works because it lasted with me so, yeah, so I know, I know your work.

Um, Jules thank you so much, thank you so much for coming on today and speaking to us on The Divorce Magazine. Really, really helpful I, I um, I’ve come to learn how important nutrition is while you’re going through divorce and separation or any other life stresses, if anybody wanted to get in touch with you, how could they go about doing that? The best place to get in touch initially is just to go to my website, which is feelglorious.com, there’s lots of information on there, there’s, there’s also I’ve got a free quiz that you can do, it just takes a couple of minutes and actually it can help, pinpoint within those six pillars, where you could focus the most attention, I’m all about sort of the 80/20 rule, if 20% of your actions can give you 80% of the result, then focus on, focus on the areas that can get you the biggest result. So that quiz can really help, okay, um, and then all my contact details are on there you can find me on socials as Glorious Jules, and again there’s, there’s, there’s lots of resources I do, I do frequent talks and free webinars um, and there’s information about my programmes on there as well.

I do have a group programme that I launched um, a couple times a year, as well which still covers those pillars and allows for some personalisation within there, so it’s, whilst it’s a group one you still, it’s, you’re still able to personalise. How many people maximum in a group? I tend to keep it around 20 uh, 20 maximum, yeah, okay, again it’s nice for people to have some, some feel that they’re getting certain attention so we do Q&A’s, we do online, we do online sessions so you can get your individual questions asked as well. Okay, Jules thank you so much, it’s been such a pleasure having you um, there’s so much, I had questions but then I thought to myself we can’t be doing all of that right now, you’re going to have another time um, so thank you so much, and um, thanks for coming on The Divorce Magazine. Oh, always a pleasure!

[Music]

Read more articles by Jules Anderson.

About Jules Anderson BSc (Hons:1st). Dip (ITEC). CHHC

Jules has a first class degree in Chemistry, a diploma in anatomy & physiology, is trained in integrative nutrition and functional medicine and is a certified Metabolic Balance® practitioner. She specialises in midlife health and has a particular passion for enhancing energy, longevity and healthspan, enabling people to live better for longer.

Her approach is a combination of cutting edge science & technologies, natural approaches and behavioural psychology – to create vibrant health that actually lasts.

Jules founded Feel Glorious in 2011 and works internationally with individuals and businesses, including Schroders, Rathbones, Amazon, Shell Foundation, Telus Communications and WeWork. She has been featured in health publications including Natural Health, Health & Wellbeing and Time & Leisure magazines.

She is the creator of Thrive – a comprehensive health programme revitalising the health of exhausted professionals – to ease pain, reduce stress, renew energy and transform performance and wellbeing.

Mental health first aid after a break up
Photo by Zhen H on Unsplash
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Mental Health First Aid After A Breakup

Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

‘Mental health first aid’ is a term that is most often used in workplaces and it’s also a form of training you can take: like all first aid it is about recognising signs that someone needs help, stabilising if any immediate risk involved and getting professional support to the person as soon as possible. In the context of a breakup, it’s likely that a friend or indeed a colleague at work of the identified patient (you if you are going through the breakup) will be the first aider. It’s often difficult for the person affected to recognise they need help as a part of mental illness is lack of insight into being ill. So, the first step for anyone is to alert their network to the fact they are going through this. This can be difficult as you may be experiencing shame or embarrassment about the ending of the relationship and not want to talk about it, but it’s crucial to alert folk to your situation.

Thinking of the first aid analogy, going through a break can be seen as analogous to organising a major event where one of the first things you would do is ensure you have first aid, ambulances etc on standby as you know it’s much more likely for people to hurt themselves in these situations. A breakup is of the three major life transitions that can lead to what is known as transition shock. The others are:

  • Moving home
  • Changing job/change in economics
  • Changing intimate relationships

Depending on what the circumstances you are in, it maybe that a breakup involves a number of these transitions simultaneously. All of which is to say that just like medical attention, first aid is more likely to be at a public event, it is part of the risk planning, so you should be realistic that your psychological distress may move into mental health needs. So, the first tip is risk assessment and risk management just in case you need help alert others to what is happening.

If you have a previous history of mental health problems, you need to realistic about the higher risk of a relapse in the condition during the transition, whatever that condition such as anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorder etc, especially in this context as major life transitions produce significant stress reactions which are triggers of mental health problems. As part of your risk management, you may want to think about prophylactic interventions such as medication before you become symptomatic, or increasing your attendance at support groups if you are in recovery or restarting some evidence base therapy.

As a possible patient ensuring you engage in general good health and wellbeing practice is crucial. Start with the insights from Lifestyle Medicine ensuring you have the 4 corners of health and wellbeing in place:

  1. Exercise/active life.The single biggest health improvement you can make is to have regular exercise, ideally 3 times a week for 20 minutes, raising your heartbeat is what you want to aim for, anymore and that’s a bonus!
  2. Stress management.Relaxation and stress management are crucial to physical and psychological health. Stress is implicated in all major lifestyle illnesses and every manifestation of psychological distress. Learning to spot and reduce stress reactions is central to living a healthy life.
  3. Diet.Having a heathy balanced diet contributes massively to a healthy mind and body. Try to reduce processed foods, eat a mix of 80-20 vegetable and fruit to meat, control portion size and reduce sugar.
  4. Sleep.Good sleep hygiene is essential to healthy living. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture due to the psychological consequences of missing REM sleep cycles. So, practice good hygiene in your sleep habits; don’t drink alcohol or other stimulants at night, exercise, have a simple and regular bedtime routine, reduce blue screen activity at night and don’t use your phone in bed!

If you are the possible ‘first aider’ it’s important to feel confident in being a little nosier than you normally would. Don’t be afraid to ask your ‘patient’ about their symptoms, at worst you will get a grumpy response to leave them alone, but mostly you will get thanks for being solicitous. What are the types of symptoms that might indicate the need for signposting or referral to professional help?

  • major sleep disturbances
  • significant changes in outlook
  • significant changes in appetite or eating patterns
  • increase in alcohol use
  • dysregulation (anger aggression etc)
  • low mood
  • thoughts of being a failure and a burden on others
  • lack of concentration, stopping and forgetting tasks
  • emotional lability

Any one of them at low levels is to be expected, but it’s about poly symptom, intensity, and duration. If there are several at the same time and they hang around for more than a few days or if they are very intense it’s time to ring the alarm bell. So, what can you do?

  • Give your patient a good listening to. Learning to actively listen to someone without judgement is more often than not the most helpful thing you can do. Unburdening ourselves reduces our isolation and improves our mood, allowing us to make better real-world decisions to improve our circumstances.
  • Signpost and follow up. Know what the services are available in your setting. If you are work colleagues have a chat with your line manager and ask what EAP exists and how that can be accessed for example. If you are a friend, maybe scope out support groups and offer to chaperone? Maybe ask if you friend has talked to their GP?
  • Why don’t you get mental health first aid training?
  • If you have very serious immediate concerns for the safety of your friend/colleague or someone they care for, then contact emergency services who can intervene to take them to a place of safety for assessment and treatment if needed (for example of you ask them how they feel and they say they want to kill themselves and they have it planned out/methodology/timescale dial 999)

Mostly what we all need is to know someone has got our back and is willing to be a buddy in times of stress, and that doesn’t need loads of training, it just needs a big heart, open ears, and mostly closed mouths that murmur support.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

How not to ‘hard launch’ your divorce
Photo by camilo jimenez on Unsplash
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How Not to ‘Hard Launch’ Your Divorce

Sarah Bunn
Sarah Bunn
Associate
Burgess Mee Family Law

In this digital age there is often a temptation to take to social media to record a landmark life event. Coupled with this, for many, there is also the desire to use social media to put the wrongs of the world to right – whether that is in relation to world politics or our personal lives.

In the context of divorce proceedings, from which financial and children proceedings can also follow, a solicitor’s headline advice is likely to be to avoid sharing information about one’s divorce on social media, or at least to err on the side of caution. We all remember Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ campaign. However, without a PR team behind you, any possible benefits seem to pale in comparison to the possible pitfalls.

Social media may appear to provide useful guidance and tips about navigating the divorce process but often this “advice” or anecdotal evidence is incorrect and could even be harmful. All families are different, and it follows that all divorce experience is different.

As a starting point, parties involved in family court proceedings are expected to uphold confidentiality. This means not sharing details about the case to third parties (unless in specific circumstances, such as when speaking to a legal representative or experts in a case). It also means that a party must not share documents relating to their case with third parties, including their entire social media network. In the context of divorce proceedings, which is largely an online process where spouses can usually avoid ever stepping into a court room, this can easily be forgotten. In financial and children proceedings, whilst attendance at court is more likely, reminders are often necessary.

Divorce, Confidentiality & Social Media

A breach of confidentiality in relation to family proceedings can have a negative impact on one’s case. Judges will be far from impressed and may say so, and in more extreme cases, the individual who is in breach of confidentiality can face fines and/or even a term of imprisonment.

It is important to be aware that even if one maintains confidentiality about the proceedings themselves, derogatory posts on social media about your spouse/child’s other parent can be used as evidence in a case. For example, social media posts about what a terrible person your (soon-to-be former) spouse/partner is or criticism of their parenting styles are often screenshotted and exhibited to narrative statements in order to evidence the conduct and entrenched views of one party about another.  More often than not, this will negatively impact a judge’s perception of the person posting such information, as opposed to the ‘postee’.

It is important to remember that judges are human and that they have a fairly wide discretion within the law. If they take against a particular party, this could impact the final decision which may be unappealable so keep them onside if you can.

Family, Social Media & Divorce

During family proceedings, it is often advisable to avoid social media altogether as what may be construed as positive posts can be used in a negative context, for example, during children proceedings where a party posts a photo of their new partner having a fun day out with children. If the other parent did not know that the children had been spending time with a new partner, such photos may be used as an example of a lack of positive co-parenting and joint decision-making.

Divorce, Finances & Social Media

In financial proceedings, constant updates about new relationships and time spent at each other’s home can be used as evidence of one of the parties’ cohabitation, or intention to cohabit with their new partner or even that claims of financial straits are untrue; “Just look at that 5-star hotel/business class flight/new handbag!”. This may impact financial provision made upon divorce. Even screenshots of CVs and comments found on a spouse’s professional profile can be used as evidence in relation to income and earning capacity.

As an aside, divorcing spouses should also be made aware, at the start of a case, about the move towards transparency in the family court. This development brings in a presumption that approved media and legal bloggers may attend most hearings in the family court and that they may report what they see, hear, and read, although usually the reporting will be anonymised first. This change in the ‘private’ nature of proceedings may result in an inevitable loss of control by parties to keep the details of their case private and shielded from mainstream media, even if they uphold their side of the confidentiality bargain.

Whilst media outlets will not construe every case as a matter of public interest, and there are limits to what can be reported, if you have concerns about this, it is important to have a discussion with your solicitor about whether the media may be interested in your case, and what steps you can take to keep details of your case private.

Some helpful guides about confidentiality in family court proceedings can be found on the government website:

Read more articles from Burgess Mee.

About Sarah Bunn

Sarah Bunn is an Associate at Burgess Mee. She specialises in complex financial remedy and private children law cases. She also advises clients in relation to nuptial agreements and cohabitation disputes.

Tips For Settling an Amicable Divorce: Navigating With a Gentle Approach
Photo by Alex Green: https://www.pexels.com/photo/unhappy-black-couple-sitting-on-bed-after-having-argument-5700170/

Tips For Settling an Amicable Divorce: Navigating With a Gentle Approach

Jennifer Bell
Jennifer Bell
Conflict Resolution Specialist

Going through a divorce can be an emotionally challenging time, but it doesn’t always have to be filled with conflict and animosity. When both parties approach the process with understanding and empathy, an amicable divorce can be achieved. In this article, we’ll explore some valuable tips to help individuals beginning or settling divorce proceedings navigate the path of separation with a gentle, happy, and clear approach. Remember, the support of a compassionate divorce attorney can make all the difference in ensuring a smooth and amicable divorce.

Communication is Key:

Open and honest communication is the foundation of an amicable divorce. Approach discussions with a willingness to listen and understand each other’s perspectives. Keep conversations respectful and focused on finding common ground, allowing you both to move forward positively.

One of the keys to successful communication during a divorce is active listening. When we truly listen to our partners, we validate their feelings and show them that their thoughts and emotions are important to us. It’s essential to set aside distractions during conversations and give each other undivided attention. Avoid interrupting, and instead, take turns expressing your thoughts and feelings. Remember that communication is a two-way street, and actively participating in the process can foster a sense of mutual understanding.

Choose the Right Divorce Attorney:

Selecting the right divorce attorney can significantly impact the tone and outcome of your divorce. Look for a lawyer who prioritises mediation and collaboration rather than confrontation. A compassionate divorce attorney can guide you through the process with care, emphasising mutual solutions and striving for an amicable resolution.

When searching for the right divorce attorney, consider seeking recommendations from friends or family who have been through similar experiences. Look for someone who has experience in handling amicable divorces and values the importance of maintaining a positive relationship between both parties. During your initial consultations, pay attention to their communication style and whether they actively listen to your concerns. Remember that a lawyer who understands the emotional aspects of divorce can provide valuable support and legal guidance.

Prioritise the Wellbeing of Children:

If children are involved, their well-being should always take precedence. Keep their best interests in mind and strive for a parenting plan that ensures a stable and nurturing environment. Co-parenting with mutual respect fosters a sense of security for the children during this transitional phase.

When discussing child custody arrangements, remember that consistency and stability are vital for children’s emotional well-being. Focus on creating a parenting plan that allows both parents to be actively involved in their children’s lives. Be flexible and considerate of each other’s schedules and commitments. If necessary, seek the help of a child specialist or family therapist to ensure the plan’s suitability for your children’s unique needs.

Practice Empathy and Understanding:

Divorce can bring up intense emotions, but try to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Acknowledge your emotions and allow your partner to express theirs without judgment. Practising empathy can lead to more constructive conversations and pave the way for an amicable settlement.

Empathy involves putting ourselves in our partner’s shoes and trying to understand their feelings and perspectives. When conflicts arise, take a step back, and try to see the situation from their point of view. This approach can help de-escalate tense situations and foster a sense of mutual respect. By showing empathy, you can create a positive environment that encourages cooperation and compromise.

Consider Mediation:

Mediation can be an effective way to resolve disputes in a non-adversarial setting. A skilled mediator can help facilitate discussions and assist both parties in reaching agreements that work for everyone involved. Opting for mediation often reduces stress and legal expenses, making the process smoother for everyone.

During mediation, a neutral third party works with both spouses to identify common goals and explore potential solutions. Mediation sessions provide a safe space for open communication and creative problem-solving. This process allows couples to maintain control over decisions regarding their divorce rather than leaving them in the hands of a judge.

Be Willing to Compromise:

Compromise is essential in any amicable divorce. Focus on finding solutions that meet the needs of both parties, rather than trying to “win” every aspect of the settlement. Being flexible and willing to give and take can lead to a more harmonious resolution.

When discussing issues such as asset division or alimony, consider the bigger picture and the long-term benefits of compromise. Avoid getting fixated on small details that may not significantly impact your future. The willingness to compromise demonstrates a commitment to resolving conflicts peacefully, which can lay the foundation for a positive post-divorce relationship.

Protect Your Financial Interests:

Even in amicable divorces, it’s crucial to protect your financial interests. Be transparent about assets and debts, and work together to divide them fairly. Consulting with a financial advisor can provide additional clarity and ensure a stable financial future for both parties.

Before making any financial decisions, gather all relevant financial documents, including bank statements, tax returns, and investment accounts. With the guidance of a financial advisor, you can analyse your financial situation objectively and create a plan that aligns with your future goals. Additionally, consider updating beneficiaries on insurance policies and retirement accounts to reflect your new circumstances.

Take Time for Self-Care:

Divorce can be emotionally draining, so it’s essential to prioritise self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as spending time with supportive friends and family, pursuing hobbies, or seeking professional counselling if needed.

Self-care during divorce involves nurturing both your physical and emotional well-being. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient rest can contribute to better emotional resilience. Surround yourself with a support network of friends and loved ones who can provide emotional comfort and encouragement. Remember that seeking professional counselling can be beneficial, as it provides a safe space to process your feelings and emotions.

Keep the Future in Mind:

Focus on building a positive future for yourself post-divorce. Letting go of resentments and negative feelings can be challenging but is essential for personal growth. Concentrate on the opportunities ahead and the chance to start anew.

Instead of dwelling on the past, embrace the possibilities that lie ahead. Set new personal and professional goals, and take steps towards achieving them. Keep in mind that while divorce marks the end of one chapter, it also opens the door to new beginnings and opportunities for personal growth.

Celebrate Achievements:

As you progress through an amicable divorce, take time to celebrate the achievements you and your partner make along the way. Each step towards a fair settlement and a respectful separation is a milestone to be proud of.

Celebrate moments of compromise and successful communication. Recognise the efforts you and your partner put into maintaining a positive and respectful divorce process. Celebrating achievements, no matter how small they may seem, can reinforce the commitment to an amicable resolution.

Settling an amicable divorce requires a gentle and understanding approach, as well as a commitment to open communication and cooperation. By following these tips and seeking the guidance of a compassionate “divorce attorney,” you can navigate this challenging time with grace and positivity. Remember, putting the well-being of any children involved first and practising empathy can lead to a smoother transition and the chance for both parties to move forward with hope and happiness.

About Jennifer Bell

Jennifer Bell is a recent divorcee, conflict resolution specialist, and writer for divorce lawyers in the Philadelphia area.

The Escalating cost of Mortgages – How it impacts on Divorce in 2023.
Photo by Tierra Mallorca on Unsplash.
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The Escalating Cost of Mortgages & Its Impact on Divorce in 2023

Peter Marples
Peter Marples
Director
Fair Result

One of the largest components of any divorce is the issue of the family home. With over 1/3 of all households having a mortgage, and many divorcees also having the odd rental property or two – the case of mortgages is always high on the agenda in any divorce.

Whilst a large majority of people are on fixed rates, a more significant number than you think are on interest only – meaning many of these deals are coming to an end shortly.

For those of you who have secured a divorce financial settlement with your partner committed to making the mortgage payments into the future, the cost of living squeeze will almost certainly be biting – with the risk and fear of default against the order that you may have agreed to.

As we face a long period of high-interest rates, the ability of spouses to continue to pay mortgages will almost certainly become a bigger issue to contend with in a divorce scenario. With a significant number of divorcees being based on ‘need’, the balancing of resources to meet that need means that flexibility on both sides has to be the basis of any settlement. Whilst a spouse may wish to remain in the family home for the stability of the children, if the former husband (or wife) simply cannot afford to pay the mortgage and house themselves then something has to give. It is not a scenario anyone wants but one that is becoming all too familiar and common in the work we do in divorce.

So, some simple tips and advice for those of you facing this dilemma, either in the process of divorce or facing a default in an existing order:

  • Remain flexible and understand that there is only so much available to make all the necessary commitments
  • Make sure that any divorce settlements enable you to maximise Government support in terms of universal credit and other support systems
  • Discuss with your mortgage company the option of converting to interest only – particularly if you are committed to the long term
  • Don’t jump at selling the family home – almost certainly the cost of a new mortgage will be more than the cost of your existing home in the medium term
  • Remember the days of cheap mortgages are gone forever – so budget that rates will be at least 4% in the medium term and the impact this is going to have on your divorce settlement and your cost of living.

As always, the team at Fair-Result are here to discuss with you your options and a way forward. We specialise in achieving pragmatic and fair solutions to divorce scenarios, focussing on what is achievable both in the short term and looking to the future.

Feel free to contact Pete or Chris for an informal, free-of-charge initial discussion. Remember we are the only fixed fee divorce service in the UK focussing on financial settlement with nothing to pay until the end of the process.

Read more articles by Peter Marples.

About Peter Marples

Peter Marples – Director of Fair Result and qualified accountant, with the determination to change the way divorce is transacted. For further advice on financial settlements and navigating divorce, use the contact details below:

  • Email
  • Give the team a call – 07500933818 or 0333 577 7009
  • Complete an enquiry form
I Just Want To Get Back To Normal: Why Divorce Is A Marathon Not A Sprint.
Photo by sporlab on Unsplash.
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I Just Want to Get Back to Normal: Why Divorce Recovery is a Marathon Not a Sprint

Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

The Long Game of Divorce Recovery

My inspiration this week comes from an interesting conversation I recently had with a person on Twitter. He struggles with the fact that even after three years, he still battles daily with co-parenting and trying to heal from his divorce.

He has two children under ten and says communication with his ex usually ends in high conflict.

He told me, “I just want things to return to normal again”.

The thing about divorce that most people get blindsided by is how long it takes to feel better.

Yes, there are things you can do to distract yourself from the pain, like new relationships or new challenges in your career, taking up new hobbies.

Yet, divorce just seems to have a way of returning to the front and centre of your life in cycles.

After sharing some communication tips with my friend on Twitter, I started reflecting on how I was tracking at the three-year mark after my divorce.

The Sound of Silence

It’s those moments late at night that get you. You hop into bed after the busyness of the day, and then there is nothing else. In the stillness of the dark, the thoughts come.

Memories of the past that were good, memories that were painful. Ironically, even some of the happier memories can make you feel sad because you know you can never go back to those times.

Fears of the future can ramp up anxiety….Will I love again? Will my kids be ok? Is this new relationship really what I need? Should I have taken time to be alone?

These thoughts can come even several years down the track.

Extreme guilt plagued me for a very long time. I went through periods of feeling good because everything seemed to be working, but when the stresses of life and the inevitable bumps in the road hit me and the kids, it triggered the guilt I felt that I couldn’t keep my marriage together.

When I went through an excruciating breakup five years after my divorce, I felt as though I had wasted all that time in a new relationship, trying to prove to myself that I was lovable and could make it work with someone after all. When it ended, it was like confirmation that I was defective.

I experienced a new round of heartache that triggered all my old divorce grief and pain to come flooding back. It took a long time to recover, and I’m thankful every day that I’ve finally healed from both my marriage and my first relationship post-divorce.

I have spoken to many people who have been 3–5 years down the track from their divorces. They are incredulous that they can still be emotionally wiped out after feeling like they are making progress.

Here’s the thing, it’s not like a band-aid. One rip, and it’s all over.

Divorce is an ever-evolving entity.

It might be smooth sailing for a few months or even a year or so. Then all of a sudden, you could find yourself going through an emotionally stressful time.

One of your children might go through a milestone or transition and start acting out in ways that stress and confuse you. You may be dealing with an illness in the family, job stress, or financial worries.

If you find yourself more stressed or worried than usual about something that is happening with your kids, your career or extended family, this could impact your co-parenting relationship, and you may find it harder to get along with your ex-spouse.

You can start to see that divorce recovery is not just a question of how much time passes.

You’re dealing with many unknown variables. Your ex-spouse and all of their life’s decisions, your children and all of the changes and experiences they will go through over time, new relationships and possibly new children that add different dynamics to the family unit.

Even if you don’t have children, you may find that several years down the track, you miss your ex-spouse or wonder if things could have been different.

A Marathon vs A Sprint

The best way to prepare for this realisation is to view divorce recovery as a marathon rather than a sprint.

Training for a marathon requires a different type of game plan than training for a sprint.

Just as athletes prepare themselves for endurance events, so should you prepare yourself for the long game when it comes to divorce.

With divorce recovery, you need high levels of self-care and self-awareness to ensure that you have enough energy and emotional resilience to make it through whatever comes your way over the years.

The number one thing you can do to help yourself is to identify all the things you can control and then set goals around achieving them. (While at the same time giving yourself grace when things don’t go 100% right).

Once you identify those things you can control, you can work on letting go of all the things you can’t. Stress, anxiety and burnout all come from trying to control those things that are simply not in your control.

Let’s look at some things that you do have control over:

  • Your thoughts
  • Your reactions
  • The rules and expectations in your own household
  • How you communicate with your children
  • How you support your kids and provide for them
  • What sort of food your children eat
  • How you manage your finances
  • Your physical and mental well-being
  • Your coping strategies when you’re under stress

Now let’s look at the things you have no control over:

  • Rules and expectations at your ex’s house
  • What your ex says to your children
  • How your ex manages their finances
  • Who your ex chooses to be in a relationship with
  • What your kids eat or wear when they’re with your ex
  • Your ex’s ways of coping when they are under stress

You get the picture. These are of course not extensive lists, but it gives you an idea of where you may be expending your energy where it’s not doing you any good.

Seek Support

Letting go is not easy. It can invoke fear in us. It’s helpful to talk to someone who can guide you to identify what you need to focus on and find the strength to let go of what you have no power over.

It sounds daunting, but once you can get into the practice of only putting energy into the actions that support your well-being, your life becomes more manageable, co-parenting becomes more peaceful, and you can start to feel happy and ‘back to normal’ again.

I hope that wherever this post finds you, you are in a place of feeling strong and capable as you navigate your divorce recovery.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

Breaking Bad News: How To Tell People You're Getting Divorced
Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash.
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Breaking Bad News: How To Tell People You’re Getting Divorced

Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce is a deeply personal and life-altering decision; sharing this news with your family and friends can be terrifying.

It’s not just a case of taking a deep breath, saying it once and moving on. You have to say it several times over to a wide range of people.

However, honest and brave communication is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships and providing your loved ones with the support and understanding they need during this transition.

I remember living with the stress of knowing we needed to get the ball rolling on our separation, yet also dreading the conversations I knew I would have to have.

Here are some essential tips to help you navigate the process of informing your family and friends about your divorce with confidence, empathy and mindfulness.

Choose the Right Time and Setting to Talk About your Divorce

Choosing the right time and setting to have this conversation is vital. Consider finding a quiet, comfortable environment where everyone can focus and freely express themselves.

Avoid sharing the news during emotionally charged moments or important family events if you can.

Prepare Yourself Emotionally

Preparing yourself is crucial before sharing the news. Acknowledge that different family members will react in diverse ways.

Be ready for a range of emotions, from surprise and sadness to confusion and even anger. Build your own emotional resilience by reminding yourself that your decision is based on what is best for everyone’s emotional well-being in the long run.

Be Honest and Concise

When discussing your divorce, be honest and concise without going into excessive detail. Explain your decision without assigning blame or involving others in the reasons you are deciding to end the marriage.

Try not to fall into the trap of feeling as though you have to justify. Make peace with the fact that some people in your life may never truly understand your decision. It’s not your job to convince them that this choice is right for you and your family.

Focus on the positives that will come from ending a marriage that is not working and is taking an emotional toll on everyone. Emphasise that this decision was not taken lightly and was made in all parties’ best interests.

Express Empathy and Understanding

Recognise that your loved ones may experience various emotions in response to your news. Offer empathy and understanding as they process the information and allow them to express their feelings.

Encourage open communication and actively listen to their concerns and questions without becoming defensive. Remember, they are grappling with their own emotions and may need time to adjust to the changes.

Reassurance is Important

Although it might seem odd that you have to support your family members when you are the one who is going through emotional hell, you have to be mindful of the fact that it’s highly likely you’ve had a lot more time to get your head around this happening than they have.

I was taken aback when I told my nephew and his girlfriend about our separation, and they both started to cry. I ended up having to comfort them. I wasn’t expecting it, and it made me feel awful that I’d made them feel that way.

Assure your family and friends that your decision to divorce does not diminish your love and care for them. Let them know that you will continue to be a part of their lives. Change can be worrying, and your friends and family want to know that some things won’t change.

Dig Deep When They Make Mistakes

Friends, family, co-workers, neighbours. Everyone has something to say when you let them know that your marriage is ending.

Some will murmur sympathetically. Some will tell you all about their sister’s friend’s daughter’s niece who got divorced (Fun!). Some will put a knife through your heart with flippant comments without realising it.

One acquaintance of mine looked at me like she was going to fall down to her knees and said, ‘What about the kids??!!’.

I needed that like a hole in the head.

I had to breathe through many conversations and try to find understanding and forgiveness when I wanted to tell them all to shut up and mind their own business.

Telling people is a necessary part of the process. Dig deep when well-meaning people say stupid things.

Maintain Boundaries and Privacy

While it’s essential to communicate openly with your family and friends, remember that certain aspects of your divorce are personal and private.

Establish boundaries regarding what you’re comfortable sharing and ensure that your loved ones understand and respect your need for privacy.

It’s okay to set limits and redirect conversations when they become too intrusive or uncomfortable.

Simply state, “That’s all I’m ready to talk about at the moment”. End of story.

Final Thoughts – Telling Your Loved Ones About Divorce

Telling family and friends about your divorce is a significant step in facing the reality of your marriage ending.

It’s challenging when you have to have a difficult conversation many times over. You can make it easier on yourself by being prepared with an ‘elevator speech’ ready to go and by being assertive when you want to end the conversation for now.

Remember, your decision to pursue a divorce is about prioritising your happiness and creating a healthier future. Stay true to yourself, seek support when needed, and approach the process with compassion for both yourself and your loved ones.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media: