going through divorce - Page 7

do it right, don't fight

Men, Going through Divorce? Do it Right, Don’t Fight.

Published on
James Brown
James Brown
Host of
Divorce The Talk Show

As I think back upon this weird thing called getting a divorce I think back to how appreciative I am for having a great ex-spouse what a good women she is.

That said, Men perceive and most often participate in ugly divorces, no matter what the prearranged agreement is.

Men make mistakes not only in their marriages but also most definitely as they begin the process of going through there divorce.  Many men face daunting circumstances with manipulative, irrational and abusive conditions caused by both spouses.

Excluding that, let’s not take for granted the impact divorce has even if your spouse and you are still on intimate footings and are reasonable with each other, even after divorce.

Ha, I can assure you at that critical point of unshackling your marriage even smooth endings will handicap and make it difficult to make the right decisions.  Anger and depression becomes your new takeover spouse that is upsetting and instills a psychological roadblock that fractures the process that endeavors to protect, your children and your extended families.

Even with this edge it is better to take the high road over the low and negative point of view.

With an overcrowded business as usual environment of all types of divorce experts and legal beagles proclaiming,  “I can fix this, you don’t have to do that,” we blindly follow along, in many cases disastrous outcomes follow which often magnifies prevailing emotions in men that are filled with sadness and disappointment.

Men often face emotional anger and it’s commonplace that we are angry at our now ex wives parents and friends because of the choices we’ve made.

Are you getting my point; choices, we all have choices, you just need to know what they are.  Once you realize that good choices are the fabric of a healthy divorce, it get’s easier life picks up with positive actions, this is the foundation of Divorce The Talk Show. We help with the process of identifying the processes for making better choices for better outcomes.

Many things will ignite that fire within you to lash out and arouse another anger point that is harnessed within your inner self.

Don’t take the bait, when someone enters into your spouses romantic world and it’s not you, and believe me it’s going to happen, your ex will get a new guy; this can really push the attitude button off the charts for many men especially when you don’t feel you where the root of causing the divorce and in the back of your mind you still want the girl.

You’re now faced with your ex old lady, your old sweetie pie, whatever you called her then and now (and there are some other words we don’t wish to use so we won’t go there).

dont-fight-divorce-advice-menIt all rolls around the brain like a pinball in an old arcade machine, she is now with a new partner, he is experiencing all those delightful things (and you had many) you once enjoyed; sex, the birth of your children, holding hands going to the bathroom together (Ha Ha) wow now those memories or now marred with new images someone else is in the house, in the bed.

Are you getting my drift?

Men this is why it is important to manage your attitudes and emotions.  If you don’t it all adds up to cha-ching, cha-ching higher cost, more money frustration, stress and perhaps a lengthy, entangled affair that many call the divorce wars.

Take my word this is no fun.

I without any discussion (with others) or contemplation made the right decisions, although I learned that later; (we) had done the right thing.

I was wiser beyond divorce and its stages at the time of my divorce.   I did it right focusing on being a good ex spouse, which enabled me to handle my divorce and manage my emotions with relative peace thus gaining a friend and an ally in shaping our children’s destiny after our divorce.

I can assure you that positive resolution in one’s divorce activities particularly during the paperwork procedure, including the life changing arrangement you make, will make a difference.

Divorce, I must say handled with love, can you believe, I said “handled with love”, will give you so much self respect as anything and when you walk into the room of shame that’s filled with people that you’ve shared and enjoyed their company during your marriage with your ex this can be stressful and taxing to the emotions, all by it’s self, but the manner in which you posture yourself from a positive perspective will enable you to stand tall with pride as an individual who made a commitment to Do It Right and Don’t Fight, because you’ve made a statement you choose to respect your family your life your ex wife mother of your children.

These actions demonstrates that you’ve stated to the world that you are somebody who respects what you had and that action mirrors the fact that you are a responsible, respectable and caring man.

Positivity, the moderator of divorce, demonstrates that taking the high road makes a significant difference as you move forward.  It allows you to pay it forward.

One other thing, when you enter into another relationship and the inquiry begins from the new girlfriend and the questions start to unfold, the who, what and why of your previous relationship/marriage, when you start sharing those intimacy’s and she learns how you’ve handled your divorce, it will speak volumes in helping her to recognize and realize that although you are and have had a broken relationship in the past, she quickly learns that you are a responsible, caring and a dependable person.  I guarantee you that this will speak volumes to a woman wishing to connect with you and become a part of a your life as she accepts a new man into her life.

That, my fellow brothers-in-divorce, assures your place at the table of life confirming that you are capable of genuinely being a responsible partner capable of loving and responsibility.

Those are the steps that enable you to move forward toward a New Beginning.  What’s the message… Do It Right, Don’t Fight.

About James

James, grew up in San Francisco, and has lived in Salt Lake City, for over 25 plus, and is a second time divorcee with 4 children. 

With his diverse background in television, both in front and behind the camera, Mr. Brown is the driving force behind the highly innovative production of Divorce The Talk Show; A New Beginning, a multi-platform production which is led by new media engagement using digital, mobile as well as the legacy media (television) platform to reach a growing number of people who have gone through a radical change in life via divorce.

Mr. Brown has a background that makes him unique and perfect to support effort to make change in divorce. He has been at the center of development in corporate recruiting programs including Discover Card which focused on youth and minorities; developed diverse training seminars for corporations; created programs that provided scholarships for deserving, disadvan­taged students as well as building one of the finest film and television production studios (Salt Lake Studios) in the western U.S.A.

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Divorce and the Farming Family

Divorce and the Farming Family

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Melanie Pilmer Solicitor Greene & Greene Solicitors
Melanie Pilmer
Solicitor
Greene & Greene Solicitors

The damaging effects of divorce are often felt more acutely in cases involving farming families: especially so where the farm has been held within one family for generations.

Often farming businesses will involve Partnership or Corporate Structures, land may be co-owned with extended family, land ownership may be within or outside of business structures and various land or property assets may also be held in Trust. These can all complicate matters.

Typical questions that arise are:

  • How can the assets be divided fairly where a farm has been passed dynastically to one spouse through the generations?
  • What weight will the court apply to the financial and non-financial contributions of the non-owning spouse?
  • Will the court force a sale or transfer of land and property?

The court’s approach can be unlike other cases and present unique challenges.

The court is tasked with arriving at a fair outcome and must meet the parties’ (and any dependent children’s) reasonable needs. In doing so the court will consider whether the farming family intended that the farm should be passed down through the generations.

The court will have to consider whether the farming family can and should retain the farm (in so as far as that is possible) even if that means an overall unequal division of assets. Numerous other factors including the standard of living enjoyed by the parties during the marriage can also be taken into account.

Funding a settlement may require finance to be raised against the retained farm. Land may need to be sold in order to retain the majority of the farm to pass on to future generations.

Many farming businesses experience cash flow and liquidity issues which can make it difficult (or impossible) for income generated from the farm to satisfactorily meet the needs of two separate households following separation.

Divorces involving family farms are often complex and it is important that if you find yourself in this position you seek the assistance of a lawyer experienced in this area.

About Melanie

Melanie, a solicitor with Greene & Greene Solicitors, advises in relation to a full range of family matters including divorce and associated financial matters, cohabitation disputes, children matters and Pre-Nuptial Agreements.

She is a collaboratively trained lawyer and member of Resolution – First for Family Law. She has significant experience in relation to resolving complex financial disputes often involving business assets and a considerable amount of my practice consists of negotiating and preparing Nuptial Agreements.

Melaniepilmer@greene-greene.com

Linkedin.com – Melanie Pilmer

(Editorial first published in Rural Review, September 2016)

 

 

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Family Mediation – There is much more to it than Divorce and Separation

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

If you ask a passer-by what she or he thinks family mediation is about the chances are that that person will mention divorce, separation or disputes about child contact.

In one sense this is correct and it is certainly true that family mediators deal with these types of issues quite routinely.

However, one of the important constituent parts of the term “family mediation” is the word FAMILY.

Are you perhaps involved with one of the following types of dispute which arise more often that our hypothetical passerby might imagine? If so, would you like it to be resolved promptly and cost-effectively?

  • a case involving the parents of a child in local authority care who may be denied any contact;
  • a case involving a grandparent, aunt or uncle who is denied contact with a much loved grandchild, nephew or niece because the child’s parents have separated;
  • a dispute involving a family house sharing arrangement possibly where there is concern about a potentially vulnerable family member leaving home;
  • a case involving a dispute between siblings about a family will or the administration of a trust or estate;
  • an Inheritance Act claim where a close family member or a potentially deserving relative has been left out of a will and has taken the matter to court;
  • an acrimonious dispute affecting a family partnership or company that may ultimately affect its financial viability and the livelihoods of those who work in it;
  • a dispute between siblings or other family members about who cares for an elderly or infirm relative;
  • disagreements about funeral arrangements,
  • A dispute between parents and their child’s school.

If any of the above apply, then mediation may well be for you.

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford (www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Family Mediation
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Divorce and Family Mediation

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Family Mediation

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What is Family Mediation Worth
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What is Family Mediation Worth?

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Johnathan Pease Accredited Family Mediator and PPC
Johnathan Pease
Accredited Family Mediator
and PPC

What is mediation worth?

How can you quantify the financial and emotional value of a successful mediation for any given family?

These are surprisingly difficult questions to answer.  For me, they are about as impossible to quantify as: How much money has the Thames Barrier saved since it became operational in 1982?

There is no real way of knowing the degree of damage and personal heartache that has not been suffered in the 176 times the barrier has been raised.

In much the same way, there is no real way of measuring how much money and heartache clients who successfully negotiate a fair and workable financial settlement in mediation are spared.

All we can do is to provide some comparative information about the process of mediation against a bitter legal battle. Before providing this info however, I wish to make one caveat perfectly clear.

Mediation is not suitable for all people. There are a variety of situations where the only real recourse couples have is to rely on the courts to assist them such as where there is domestic violence or child abuse. Those cases notwithstanding however, here are some examples of the cost of choosing not to mediate.

Expense: Aviva insurance estimates the average cost of divorce to be £43,998 per couple. By comparison, the average cost of a mediated settlement with us, for instance, is £2,200 per couple

Time: In that same report, Aviva identified the average time to settle a divorce as 11.5 months. By comparison, in mediation we help most couples reach a full financial settlement within 5 weeks of deciding to mediate (assuming couples are able to provide financial documents such as bank statements etc. in a timely manner).

Psychological costs: The psychological costs of a contested divorce is impossible to quantify over that for those couples who use a Family Mediation Council Accredited (FMCA) mediator. It is certain however, that the vast majority of couples who mediate a solution will be able to complete their divorce process at a fraction of the time and costs over a contested legal battle. These savings in time and money will undoubtedly translate into significant psychological savings as well.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Johnathan Pease, of New Landscape Mediation, is a highly experienced family mediator with over 20 years of experience working in family conflict resolution both as a mediator and Family Consultant.

A fully accredited BACP psychotherapist, Johnathan holds several qualifications with ADRg – including Direct Child Consultant (DCC). He is an accredited Civil/Commercial mediator, a member of the UK College of Mediators, and an affiliate member of Resolution.

Johnathan’s flexible and pragmatic approach to mediation makes the most of his understanding of interpersonal dynamics for the benefit of all concerned.

As a father of 2 children, and having experienced a family breakdown himself, Johnathan recognises that there are often many layers to the end of a marriage hindering a successful settlement than first meets the eye. Johnathan applies his varied training and life experience to the time sensitive and practical needs of family mediation with consistent success.

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Your Rights as a Parent

Children and Divorce – A Guide to Your Rights as a Parent

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Carl Parslow Managing Partner of Parslows' Jersey office
Carl Parslow
Managing Partner of Parslows’ Jersey office

Anyone who has been through a divorce, or is currently going through a separation will know just how challenging this time can be on all who are involved.

However, knowing exactly where you stand in relation to your children can make this time slightly easier, particularly when it comes to the interim period between separation and divorce.

Whilst every couple prays for an amicable divorce, this isn’t always possible. Disputes over inanimate possessions such as your estate or possessions, whilst unpleasant, do not personally affect those objects.

However, when it comes to your children, this is not the case.  Parents may agree that shared residence is preferable when the divorce is amicable, and both parents are willing and able to raise the child or children to the best of their ability.

However, when one parent believes that the other is unfit to carry out their duties effectively, a battle can begin as to who the children will live with.

What do we mean by Parental Responsibility?

Before we look at the issues contained within child custody, we should first look at what we mean by ‘parental responsibility’.

The Children Act 1989 defines parental responsibility as possessing ‘all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property’, including the rights and powers over the child’s estate.

For a parent to even consider partaking in a battle for custody, they must understand what is expected of them and what the court will consider them responsible for should they gain sole custody of that child.  

Child Welfare

First and foremost, when it comes to  any question about your children’s upbringing,  their welfare is of paramount importance to the court.

Your Rights as a Parent 2In Article 2(1) of the Children (Jersey) Law 2002, states that ‘when a court determines any question with respect of the upbringing of a child […] the child’s welfare shall be the court’s paramount consideration’. This highlights the court’s overriding desire to protect the child’s welfare above all else.

Before you consider fighting your spouse in court, consider the welfare of your child and what is best for them, as this will influence the judge’s decision.

Considerations Regarding the Child’s Welfare

Determining what is best for the child is not always an easy task. There are a number of ways that a judge can make this decision, and there are multiple clauses within section 1 of the Children Act 1989 that assist a judge in making this call.

The court will not only consider the welfare of the child, but also the following issues:

  • The ascertainable wishes and feeling of the child concerned (taking into account his or her age and understanding)
  • The child’s physical, emotional and educational needs
  • Any harm which the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering
  • The ability of each parent to meet their child’s needs

Marriage of the Child’s Parents

In regard to the marriage of the mother and father of the child/children in question, the law clearly states that when a child’s father and mother were married to one another at the time of the child’s birth ‘they shall each have parental responsibility for the child’.

Whilst this responsibility may not automatically relate to sole custody, it does relate to at least a degree of obligation for the child’s welfare in one aspect or another; this could relate directly to financial aspects of the child’s upbringing, emotional support or matters relating to the child’s estate.

This means that if you go to court and do not secure sole custody of your child, you may still be required to support that child in other ways.

Every divorce and/or custody battle is unique, and each one can be extremely challenging for all involved. However, if you and your partner can agree to the terms of your divorce without the assistance of a court, this procedure can occur relatively quickly and easy.

Regardless of how the procedure plays out, never forget the importance of the welfare of your children, and remember to always place their needs over and above any other aspect of the divorce.

About Carl Parslow

Carl Parslow is the managing partner of Parslows’ Jersey office and he has 20 years of experience practicing law.

Carl was initially called to the English Bar in 1996 and in 2003 he was called to the Jersey Bar as an advocate. If you require any additional legal information regarding divorce and you’re based in the Channel Islands, get in touch with Jersey lawyers at Parslows, via their website or by phone at 01534 630530.

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The Judge

THE JUDGE, THE JOB AND THE CONTROVERSY

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Family Department of Rawlison Butler solicitors
Nigel C Winter – Partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler solicitors

In reading the headlines over the last couple of weeks, one would have thought that it is now settled law that every divorced Mum would be compelled to go out and “get a job”.

This follows the high profile divorce of Mrs W, the estranged wife of a Racehorse Surgeon and the selectively reported comments of the Judge in this case.

As ever, it pays to “let the dust settle” and consider what really happened.

Nigel Winter, Partner in Rawlinson Butler’s Family Team considers the real impact of the decision and why getting advice early should be high on the list for anyone contemplating divorce.

As every marriage is different, so is each divorce and the facts are critical in each case.

Mrs W (51) had been married to her husband Mr W(59) for 11 years and they had 2 children aged 10 and 16, the elder being at Boarding School.

The proceeds of sale of their £1.3million house were duly split and Mrs W was receiving £75,000 per year maintenance.

Mr W was concerned about his capacity to pay ongoing maintenance upon retirement. He therefore sought to have that maintenance significantly reduced.

The £75,000.00 per annum maintenance was for the 2 children and £33,200 of that was spousal maintenance for Mrs W herself. In addition to this Mr W was also paying the school fees.

Last year a Court ordered that the personal payments to Mrs W should taper off over a period of 5 years before ceasing upon Mr W’s retirement. It was this decision that Mrs W was seeking to appeal.

That appeal was unsuccessful and the comments of the Judge on hearing the case have been seised upon in isolation. But it is essential to remember that each case is judged on its own facts.

Critically, the media reports haven’t stated the overall wealth of the parties, merely that they had a £1.3million house.

Furthermore under Section 25 of The Matrimonial Causes Act the standard of living is a factor to be taken into account. It is a reality that people who are wealthy have a completely different expectation of life, which the Courts recognise. Using the house as a guide, they appear to be comfortable but not rich. However that may not be the case and provide an explanation as to why Mrs Ws solicitors pressed on with the appeal.

Mrs W will therefore be expected to go out to work.

The reasons for this are that her eldest daughter is at private school and her youngest daughter is aged 10 and therefore far less dependent on Mum than a toddler.

Thus, as with the passage of time, the relevance of given factors such as contributions to the family, shifts on a sliding scale. It is therefore no great hardship for a 10 year old to have their Mum and main carer working part-time. Furthermore it will enable that Mum to gain full-time employment at a later date.

The Judge
Get a Job

The law has therefore altered very slightly in cases on these facts.

But a completely different result may have been achieved if the children had been younger, the paying husband wasn’t approaching retirement, the wife had got an order for more capital and less income and significantly she had actually made applications for work or even accepted the principle that she had to work, even if she wasn’t able to find any.

In this case Mrs W was actually criticised for being “evasive” about her job prospects. In that regard she did not help herself.

The case is therefore very specific to its own facts. It will have an impact on high net worth families who have ongoing maintenance claims.

But it is a long established principle that financial independence should be achieved at the earliest opportunity and so parties have always been encouraged to achieve this, often by way of a larger capital sum (if available) in lieu of maintenance. However, there is now an overall trend towards limitations on the duration of maintenance and this case is one small part of that movement.

The process remains unchanged and it has been settled for a number of years that the starting point is that there should be a “yardstick of equality”.

Contributions made by the homemaker and breadwinner are of equal value. The Courts will endeavour to split equally the assets accumulated during the marriage.

In high net worth cases, inherited assets received before the marriage, may not be included. Having performed this exercise, the next stage is to decide if this is sufficient to meet the parties’ needs. In the event that the joint assets are insufficient to meets the needs of the family, then maintenance has a role to play. This is always subject to variation as circumstances change.

This decision doesn’t alter the basic reality that bringing up children, harms ones career unfairly or otherwise. Thus one party’s career will prosper whilst the main carer’s time is applied to the demanding role of being a stay at home parent.

The reality remains that even when the papers are full of reports that the Judge allegedly barked “get a job” at the wife, she will not be able to get as good a job as had she been able to draw upon 10 years of career progression rather than motherhood.

In the event that that second career doesn’t meet the needs then she will have to look elsewhere for those said needs to be met. And that is usually from the matrimonial assets. In short, a different route to the same outcome.

What this case DOES NOT rule, contrary to the impression that has been left in some of the media is that:-

  • All Mums must go out and get a job per se
  • Being a Mum is unworthy
  • This is a blanket rule and hereafter cases will stop being judged on their own facts

True, stay at home Mums, with children of minimal dependency, will be expected to find work if they can. There were very few cases in which the standard of living was so high and the parties’ expectations such that, they could expect maintenance forever, without having to work. When this actually occurred they usually ended up in the newspapers.

For the vast majority of couples contemplating a divorce the most important thing is to get the right and sensible advice at an early stage, free from the influence of an eye catching headline.

About Nigel Winter

Nigel C Winter is a partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler solicitors, based in the South East of England. He has been practicing family law for over two decades, is a collaborative lawyer and a regular contributor to a wide variety of publications on Divorce and Family Law.

website: www.rawlisonbutler.com

He has been practicing family law for over 2 decades, is a Collaborative lawyer and a regular contributor to a wide variety of publications on divorce and family law.

 Disclaimer – This document is provided for information purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.

 

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