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Step Parenting: Ups and Downs
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Step Parenting: Ups and Downs

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

At the tender age of 4 or 5, my small world suddenly included a new character – my stepmother. What my father had hoped would be a seamless blending of families turned out to be anything but. I can still vividly remember innocently requesting of her a task that, in my young mind, only my mom could accomplish – something truly extraordinary. Her response, tethered by the complexity of our situation, marked the beginning of what would become a challenging relationship.

As the years rolled by, the connection between us failed to blossom into the harmonious bond one might have hoped for. Now, in retrospect, those tumultuous years have inspired me to help those navigating the intricate journey of serious relationships after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Step Families: The Common Reality

Amidst high divorce rates for first-time marriages, it is even higher for second marriages, a crucial factor contributing to this trend is the intricate dynamics of blended families. Stepfamilies are prevalent in the U.S., U.K., and Canada, where a substantial portion of the population includes at least one step-relative. However, achieving harmony in a new stepfamily is not an immediate accomplishment; even under optimal conditions, it generally takes two to four years for the family to establish a cohesive rhythm in shared living

However, the journey is far from straightforward. Remarriage with children introduces intricate challenges, often contributing to a higher divorce rate. Issues like intolerance, competing needs, loyalty pressures, and sharing struggles can complicate the dynamics, potentially leading to conflicts that jeopardise relationships. Success in such blended families requires shedding fairy-tale ideals and approaching remarriage with children armed with realistic expectations.

My Story: A Child of Divorce with a Stepparent

Growing up in the aftermath of my parents’ high-conflict divorce was not without its challenges. In an era where there were no guides on being a good stepparent and little emphasis on blending families the right way, my father, being a traditional man, took a back seat in parenting when I was with him and his wife. Balancing attention between my older sister and myself, as well as my new siblings from his new wife, posed challenges. My initial resistance to accepting another motherly figure into my life set the stage for a rocky start with my new stepmother which continued for years and years.

With no “How to be a Good Stepparent book” to guide the way, the blending of our families back in the 1970s and 80s lacked knowledge and education. My mother’s values and parenting styles differed significantly from my new stepmother’s, and adjusting to this new dynamic was no easy feat. I was very bonded to my mother, and there was no way that this new person was ever going to replace her. The adaption was complicated and stressful for me. When I would leave my mom’s, I would cry myself to sleep at my father’s, where I felt left out and alone. Over time, I eventually adapted and survived, but there were aspects I loathed. My stepmother introduced a set of rules and traditions that clashed with what I was familiar with, and the adjustment process was anything but smooth.

I remember once when I did not make my bed to her standards and, as I was walking to school, probably in grade 3 or 4, she started to scream at me outside as I began my walk to school. It was humiliating, and I hated her even more. Another time, I was a teenager and babysitting my younger siblings. I was trying to get a hold of my father to come home earlier from the club bar, as I had been asked out on my very first date. I called the bar a few times to finally get her on the phone and asked them to come home so I could go out on this date. When she got home, she screamed at me for ruining her night. Everything I did had to go through her, not my father, which was one of their biggest mistakes.

If she were to say anything in her defence I did not make it easy for her, and it was not my role to do so. I was a young child and hurting on many levels. As I got older there was never any open communication between my father and stepmother on what was to be expected and how I was feeling or doing. That was not a common thing done in the 70s and 80s when children’s feelings were validated and talked about.

Navigating the role of a step-parent is undoubtedly challenging, both for the individual stepping into that role and for the child involved. While my personal experience may not paint an optimistic picture, however, countless blended families thrive, demonstrating that success is indeed possible. I recall a psychologist emphasising the positive correlation between a child’s wellbeing and the love they receive. This underscores the potential for a fulfilling relationship between a step-parent and their stepchild through dedicated effort, patience, and a clear understanding of their respective roles.

There are important aspects to consider if you’re considering remarriage or entering a serious relationship after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Here are some general guidelines for step-parents:

Establishing Clear Communication:

  • Maintain consistent communication with the child’s biological parent to better understand their parenting views and the child’s needs.
  • Ask for their input on how to build a positive relationship with your step child, ensuring you’re aligned in your approach.

Navigating Parenting Styles:

  • Reflect on your parenting methods, acknowledging that each parent might have a different approach. Striving for a common understanding is crucial. Notably, roughly one-third of parents may have similar parenting styles.
  • Promote an environment where all parents can openly discuss and contribute to decisions impacting the child.

Setting Realistic Expectations:

  • Acknowledge that step parenting comes with unique challenges, and understand that blended families have their dynamics, different from traditional ones. It’s important to give step parents the space to voice their challenges and frustrations.
  • Replace expectations of instant bonding with patience, understanding that forming strong connections takes time.

Intentional Role Development:

  • Be mindful and deliberate about your role within the family. Invest time in learning about your stepchildren, their history, and any special needs they may have.
  • Engage in open, transparent discussions with your partner to gain deeper insight into the child’s experiences and emotions.

Fostering Relationships:

  • Building relationships in a blended family is a process that requires patience and time.
  • Start with simple, enjoyable activities that allow children to adapt at their own pace.
  • The biological parent plays a vital role in fostering a secure and cohesive family environment.

Showing Respect:

  • Always show respect for the child’s other biological parent, particularly in the child’s presence.
  • Understand that children might see the arrival of a new stepparent as a loss, so it’s important to avoid any negative comments or criticism.

Approaching Discipline:

  • In the beginning, let the biological parent take the lead on discipline.
  • Focus on establishing a caring, trusting relationship with your stepchild before stepping into any disciplinary role.
  • Regularly communicate with your partner about parenting styles to ensure consistency and mutual understanding.

Managing Emotional Reactions:

  • Avoid taking your stepchild’s reactions personally as a step parent.
  • Recognise that their responses may be rooted in deeper emotions, and work on building trust gradually over time.
  • Keep open lines of communication with your partner to discuss any feelings or insecurities that may arise.

Finding Joy in Step Parenting:

  • Despite the obstacles, being a stepparent can be deeply rewarding.
  • Treasure the opportunity to form unique and loving bonds with your step children.
  • Focus on becoming a positive influence and building meaningful, lasting relationships.

Blending a family is a complex journey that involves navigating the challenges of co-parenting and step parenting, which can sometimes strain second marriages. With patience, time, and realistic expectations, it is possible to build a harmonious and fulfilling family life. Key strategies include maintaining regular communication with the biological parent, being intentional in your role, and carefully managing discipline. Family therapy can also provide essential support during challenging times.

Through perseverance, resilience, and commitment, a joyful and connected blended family life is achievable, where deep and meaningful relationships can thrive.

Read more articles by Karen Omand.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on  Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

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A Guide for Parents - Devising a Co-Parenting Plan Before Getting a Divorce
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A Guide for Parents – Devising a Co-Parenting Plan Before Getting a Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Going through a divorce can be emotionally and logistically challenging, especially for parents with children. While the decision to end a marriage may be difficult, it’s crucial to prioritise the well-being of the children throughout the process. One of the most important steps in this regard is devising a comprehensive co-parenting plan before finalising the divorce.

A well-crafted co-parenting plan not only sets the tone for a healthy co-parenting relationship post-divorce but also ensures that both parents remain actively involved in their children’s lives. It provides a framework for effective communication, decision-making, and conflict resolution, ultimately minimising the impact of the divorce on the children.

By establishing clear guidelines and expectations from the outset, parents can foster a cooperative and supportive environment for their children, helping them navigate this transitional period with greater ease and stability.

Understanding the Concept of Co-Parenting

Co-parenting refers to the process of raising children collaboratively after a separation or divorce. It involves both parents actively participating in decision-making, sharing responsibilities, and maintaining a healthy relationship for the well-being of their children.

Successful co-parenting requires a commitment to putting aside personal differences and focusing on the children’s best interests. Key principles of effective co-parenting include:

  • Open and respectful communication
  • Consistency in parenting styles and rules
  • Flexibility and compromise
  • Avoiding conflict in front of the children
  • Maintaining a united front when addressing children’s needs and concerns

While co-parenting can be challenging, especially in the aftermath of a divorce, both parents need to work together and prioritise their children’s emotional and developmental needs. This often involves setting aside personal grievances and cultivating a cooperative and supportive dynamic.

Establishing a Parenting Schedule

One of the most crucial components of a co-parenting plan is establishing a fair and consistent parenting schedule. This schedule should outline the custody arrangements and visitation schedules, ensuring that both parents have ample time to be actively involved in their children’s lives.

When determining custody arrangements, parents can choose from various options, including:

  • Joint custody: Both parents share legal custody and decision-making responsibilities for the children.
  • Sole custody: One parent has primary legal and physical custody, while the other parent has visitation rights.
  • Shared physical custody: Children spend a significant amount of time living with each parent.

The parenting schedule should consider factors such as work schedules, children’s extracurricular activities, and living arrangements. It’s essential to create a schedule that minimises disruptions to the children’s routines and provides stability.

To ensure a smooth transition, the schedule should clearly outline the pickup and drop-off times, as well as any special arrangements for holidays, vacations, and other important events.

Handling Decisions Related to Children

In addition to establishing a parenting schedule, a co-parenting plan should outline how major decisions concerning the children will be made. These decisions may include matters related to education, healthcare, religion, and extracurricular activities.

It’s crucial to establish clear guidelines for communication and conflict resolution when making these decisions. Parents should agree on a process for discussing and resolving any disagreements that may arise, such as seeking the assistance of a mediator or counsellor if necessary.

The co-parenting plan should also address potential changes in circumstances, such as relocation, remarriage, or adjustments in financial situations. Having a framework in place for addressing these changes can help minimise conflicts and ensure that the children’s best interests remain the top priority.

Managing Finances and Child Support

Financial considerations are an essential part of a co-parenting plan, particularly when it comes to child support and shared expenses for the children’s needs.

The plan should clearly outline the child support obligations and payment arrangements – taking into account factors such as each parent’s income, the number of children, and any relevant legal guidelines or agreements.

In addition to child support, the co-parenting plan should address how expenses related to the children’s needs, such as clothing, extracurricular activities, educational costs, and medical expenses, will be divided between the parents. Establishing a fair and equitable system for sharing these costs can help prevent future conflicts and ensure that the children’s needs are met.

It’s also important to review any potential tax implications and benefits related to child support and shared expenses. Consulting with financial advisors or legal professionals can provide valuable guidance in navigating around financial assets.

Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

While co-parenting requires open communication and cooperation, it’s equally important to maintain healthy boundaries between the former spouses. The co-parenting plan should establish clear guidelines for interactions and communication, ensuring that each parent respects the other’s personal space and privacy.

One critical aspect is avoiding exposing children to parental conflicts or using them as messengers or go-betweens. Children should not be burdened with adult issues or placed in the middle of disagreements between their parents.

It’s also important to respect each other’s personal lives and relationships. The co-parenting plan should outline boundaries regarding introductions to new partners, attending events together, and maintaining appropriate behaviour in front of the children.

By establishing and adhering to these boundaries, parents can create a more harmonious and supportive environment for their children, minimising the potential for further emotional turmoil or confusion.

Involving Children in the Process

While devising a co-parenting plan, it’s essential to involve the children in an age-appropriate manner. This not only helps them understand the changes occurring in their family dynamic but also provides an opportunity for them to voice their concerns and fears.

Open communication with children is crucial throughout the process. Parents should strive to explain the situation in a clear and reassuring manner, emphasising that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will continue to love and support them.

Depending on the children’s ages, parents can consider involving them in discussions about certain aspects of the co-parenting plan, such as visitation schedules or living arrangements. This can help children feel heard and respected – ultimately easing their transition into the new family dynamic.

It’s also important to encourage children to express their feelings and concerns openly. Parents should be prepared to actively listen and address any worries or questions that may arise, seeking professional counselling if necessary.

By involving children in the process and fostering open communication, parents can help mitigate the potential emotional and psychological impacts of divorce – promoting a smoother transition for the entire family.

Final Thoughts

Devising a comprehensive co-parenting plan before finalising a divorce is essential for parents committed to prioritising the well-being of their children. By establishing clear guidelines for custody arrangements, decision-making processes, financial responsibilities, and communication, parents can create a supportive and stable environment for their children during this transitional period.

While co-parenting can be challenging, it is vital for both parents to put aside personal differences and cultivate a cooperative dynamic. Seeking professional assistance from mediators, counsellors, or legal professionals can provide valuable guidance and support throughout the process.

Ultimately, a well-crafted co-parenting plan serves as a foundation for a healthy and nurturing relationship between parents and children, helping to minimise the potential negative impacts of divorce and fostering a more positive and harmonious future for the entire family.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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How to Help Children Cope During Divorce

How to Help Children Cope During Divorce: Parenting Experts Share their Advice

Published on
Daniel Weintroub
Divorce Solicitor
Cordell & Cordell

As part of a recently launched campaign, Helping Kids Cope with Divorce, we interviewed three prominent parenting experts about their advice for divorcing parents, exploring the best way to break the news to your children about your separation, what can you do to proactively reduce your kids’ worries about the future, and how to protect them from suffering long-term psychological damage.

In 2019, divorce is sadly a common reality for many families. But despite how usual it’s become, it’s often a messy and confusing process which take a tremendous toll on everyone involved – particularly the children of a marriage.

The ordeal of the divorce process can impact significantly on young people’s mental health and leave lasting emotional scars.

So how can parents manage the process in a way that doesn’t make them think their world is about to collapse?

Breaking the news

Noël Janis-Norton, from Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, recommends that parents sit together when it happens. Depending on the age and stage of your children, it may be worth telling each child separately to adapt the message to their levels of understanding. She says:

“Tell them: ‘We’ve got some sad news for you. We’ve been arguing a lot, and our home has not been a happy place – there are too many differences between Mummy and Daddy. We have decided to live in different homes to see if then we can be happier. You can still live with both of us.’ Keep reminding them that it is not their fault.”

“You can expect children to be upset, even if they do not show upset in the first place. Just acknowledge how scared or anxious they might be.”

Noël recommends that parents stay very polite and friendly with each other, even if there is underlying conflict. This will help the child feel more comfortable in these times of uncertainty and change.

Reassurance is key

Some of the concerns that your children might have about your divorce might not be things that you, as an adult, will have considered.

Young children might worry about seemingly small things, such as whether they will have toys at both parents’ houses, as well as larger things, including how much they’ll see both parents and other family members.

Teens might be wondering whether they’ll still be able to stay at the same school, whether they need to move house and whether there will be financial problems.

Parenting journalist and author, Liat Hughes Joshi, says: “Fundamentally, children don’t like uncertainty, and particularly at the beginning of the separation process there can be a lot of that. You might not know the answers to some of their concerns, such as whether you’ll need to move house, because you don’t know how the financial settlement is going to work out yet.”

She recommends: “Provide reassurance where you can but avoid false promises, as these could undermine their trust in you later on. Let them know you will do all you can to provide stability and contact with both parents. For the immediate, focus on the things that won’t change – particularly that both you and your ex love them.”

Constructive and Destructive Behaviours

Divorce can have lasting emotional effects on the children involved, but it isn’t a forgone conclusion.

Image by Chris Thornton from Pixabay

According to Noël Janis-Norton, adverse outcomes of divorce come from high-conflict divorces, not from divorce in general. It is very important for parents to realise which practices are constructive, and which are destructive to the child’s wellbeing.

“As long as both parents and children learn how to resolve disagreement without conflict, children can come out of your divorce unscathed,” she says.

“Think of yourselves as a team in front of the children. Be positive about the other person. Praise the other person. Children must feel like they can love both parents – if not, they are likely to become depressed and distressed.”

If tensions are running particularly high, it’s important to try to limit your children’s exposure to this as much as you can.

“Try whenever possible to have difficult discussions and arguments with your ex out of earshot. Stick with communicating by email if you really have no other way of avoiding things turning into a slanging match”, recommends Hughes Joshi.

Janis-Norton adds: “Another important thing is to not let your children overhear you while you’re talking to another adult – such as a friend or family member – about anything that implies conflict, like child support payments for example.

Children are very sensitive to those things, but they don’t necessarily understand them yet, so they often jump to the wrong conclusions.”

The aftermath – building a new life post separation

Recreating a sense of familiarity post separation is vital, according to Christine Lewandowski from Single with Kids. “New traditions and routines can build a comfortable framework during this transition period, and spending quality time with the children is essential,” she says.

It’s also important for children to feel that both their parents’ places are their homes.

“If you have decided on dual custody, avoid language like ‘when you visit or see daddy’, as this implies that one home is more important than the other,” adds Noël Janis-Norton.

Recognise that it may take time for your children to adapt to their ‘new normal’.

Society tells us that the nuclear family is the ‘right way to live’, which can make kids of divorced parents wish that their parents would live in the same house again.

“Meeting up with families who are in a similar situation, however, suddenly makes it all seem more normal. It helps the kids accept that they’re still a family, just a different shaped one.”

Following a separation, your different parenting styles may become more obvious – and when emotions are running high between you and your ex, it’s tempting to want to be the ‘favourite parent’.

“It’s tempting to roll your eyes when your child tells you that Mummy let them stay up until 10pm to watch TV” says Janis-Norton.

“Instead of showing disapproval of the other parent, acknowledge that Mummy and Daddy disagree on that. Stay with the conclusion that Mummy and Daddy prefer to do some things differently.”

Remember to self-care

Going through divorce is often physically and emotionally draining.

For a period of time, it will take over your life completely – and at the same time, you have to remain strong for your children and keep up with day-to-day responsibilities.

Once the transition process is coming to a close and you and the kids can start to settle into a normal routine again, it’s very important to invest in yourself and to find your happiness again as a single parent.

“Kids are like emotional sponges,” says Lewandowski, “they soak up the emotions of the parent. If one parent is desperately unhappy, the child is hurt.”

As a parent, remember that your wellbeing is important too, and directly impacts the wellbeing of your child.

Contributors

Noël Janis-Norton is a learning and behaviour specialist, parenting author, speaker, coach, and the Director of Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, working with families and schools.

She’s currently working on two new books about divorce and blended family structures: Calmer, Easier, Happier Separation and Divorce and Calmer, Easier, Happier Blended Families.

Liat Hughes Joshi is a parenting journalist and author of five books, including 5-Minute Parenting Fixes and Raising Children: The Primary Years.

Christine (Chrissie) Lewandowski is the Director of Single with Kids, an organisation that offers holidays for single parents, abroad and in the UK.

Click here for more articles from Cordell & Cordell

About the Author – Daniel Weintroub

daniel weintroub
London divorce solicitor Daniel Weintroub was drawn to family law because of the complexity and variety of the cases.

“In family law, every case is different, and a solicitor can make a real difference in a person’s life,”

Mr. Weintroub said. “It is also the sense of the achievement and satisfaction in helping someone get contact with their children or a better than expected settlement in a financial dispute. You don’t get that sense of satisfaction in other areas of law.”

Mr. Weintroub’s attention to detail and his determination to get the best possible outcome for his client separates him from many other solicitors. He is willing to listen to his client’s case, understand the issues at the heart of the matter, and then explain the law to them and what is the most effective way to progress their case to ensure the best possible outcome.

“I speak to clients in a sympathetic, but direct manner, so they understand what the law says and how it can be applied to help them to achieve the best possible outcome,” he said. “I do this so that the client is not confused about what I am going to do for them and what they can expect to achieve at the end of their case.”

dweintroub@cordelllaw.com

020 7203 8431

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Stepping Back From Step-parenting

When Stepping Back From Step-parenting is the best Option

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

I love to laugh.

Laughing is my favorite. And I’ve been told on more than one occasion that my laugh is quite recognizable for it’s volume and intensity ?

So the day my husband said, “It’s good to hear that laugh again”, it hit me.

Time to take stock. What was I doing? What wasn’t I doing? How was I living? Why wasn’t I laughing?

Let’s back up a bit.

There are some pretty common experiences that stepmoms have, and one of those is the challenge of different parenting styles.

Very commonly (and cited by many specialists in the field of stepfamilies), stepmom enters into a relationship with a man who is parenting (at least in part) from feelings of guilt. From the divorce, from not seeing his children full-time, from a variety of reasons, all of which make perfect sense.

Unfortunately, guilty parenting often means a lack of routine, expectations, rules, and boundaries.

This means stepmoms enter into an already formed family that might be operating under a bit of… chaos. The script for women in this society is to be managers of the home, so to speak, making sure things run smoothly. So, some stepmoms come into chaos and try to turn that into a “nuclear-like” home, with chore charts, bedtimes, and healthy meals.

Guess what?

That doesn’t often turn out very well.

And of course it doesn’t. Imagine kids are used to spending time with Daddy, getting all of his attention, and probably having very little in terms of rules.

Then “she” comes in, taking Daddy’s attention and love away from them, and suddenly they have to go to bed at eight o’clock and help with the dishes. Well, guess who isn’t very popular?

You can see how this doesn’t work from the kids’ perspective. What about her? She’s just doing what she feels is right. She’s trying to help her partner parent, and give the kids a happy, healthy home. What’s so wrong about that? Nothing. So what is she to do?

Well. Certainly there should be some open and honest conversations with her partner, where they talk TOGETHER about their expectations and hopes for their new family.

If they BOTH choose to make some changes together, Dad should be the one to initiate these changes with the children. In a family meeting, these new changes can be discussed with everyone present, so the children know that stepmom has some authority too.

This is pretty much the ideal.

Not necessarily the typical.

So, what happens when stepmom and her partner talk, and she suggests some parenting changes that he doesn’t agree with. Or he agrees, but is reluctant to enforce these changes with the children.

Does she continue hoping these changes will be made? Does she keep raising the same conversation, which ends up in an argument because they are both frustrated?

Does she silently stew over the way he parents, all the while carrying out other parenting tasks like cooking, cleaning, and laundry? In other words, does she continue to take on the labor of a parent without having the decision-making power and respect that a parent has?

She could…

OR…

She can step back.

Step back from some of those responsibilities and let Dad do the parenting work. He is the parent after all.

You can have a conversation with him, letting him know that because you feel as though you’re not a parenting team together, that you are going to step back and let him parent. You will focus on your relationship with him, not on being another caretaker of his kids.

This can be tough to do, but it can also save your marriage. The stress and tension that can be created when you are not a parenting team, when you don’t support one another as the adults of the home, when you don’t act as a united front together… it can erode the strongest of unions.

So back to me. A couple of big changes had thrown our stepfamily life for a loop.

First of all, we moved to a different province, a ten-hour drive from the kids. This is temporary, but definitely challenging. My husband misses his kids dearly, and they miss him.

Instead of weekly or bi-weekly visits with them, we were seeing them a few times a year for longer chunks of time.

Secondly was the arrival of “ours” baby Grace. A little treasure, she has completed our family. And I’m not going to lie, it feels nice to be #1 in someone’s eyes!

At the time of the laughing comment, we had the kids for the whole summer. My husband had the second half of the summer off from work, but for the first half I was home with the three kids.

A baby is a lot of work, as many of you likely know, and I was a bit overwhelmed at suddenly having to make a lot of meals, work on a nap schedule, and keep up with laundry for five people among other things.

Add to that the fact that hubby and I differ significantly on our opinions of things like appropriate screen time and activities for the kids. He’s laid back and chill, I’m type-A and a planner.

He’s also got some of that “guilty dad” going on, which I understand in theory, but find frustrating. So we were living the typical stepfamily experience – him running around doing everything for the kids, me silently seething about our lack of structure. Him not seeing my side, me not seeing his. Danger.

I knew what was happening. I knew what this was. I knew it was typical, but that didn’t stop me from doing my part. The sighing, the frowning, the leaving the room.

And then my husband said something funny, and I laughed. And then he said, “it’s good to hear that laugh again”. And THEN I knew. I had to step back. I had to tell him what I was doing and why, but I had to step back and let him be “daddy”.

It’s not easy, and it wasn’t perfect, but I tried every day to focus on what I could control and let the rest go.  There were some small changes around the house, but I still left those decisions up to him.

Parenting my daughter is a negotiation between the two of us, but with stepfamily life sometimes you have to let go a little, set some boundaries, and take care of yourself.

Some stepmoms will feel guilty doing this. I get that for sure. But think about it. Who is the parent? HE is. Who has the power to make changes in the household and require that the children stick to these changes? HE does. Who has the authority to tell children that stepmom needs to be respected in the home? HE does.

Some stepmoms will have the same level of parenting authority as her partner, which is wonderful, but only comes with a lot of communication and support from him. The kids need to see you as a parenting team, if that’s what you want to be.

The hardest part of this gig is finding what works for you and your family.

But there is no shame or selfishness in stepping back and letting a parent be a parent. Don’t force yourself into a role that doesn’t work for you. And mostly, take care of yourself, because no matter what, you can’t pour from an empty vessel. Oh, and laugh. Laughing is good for the soul.

Breathe deep, love deeper,

About Erin

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. 

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

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Children of divorce

Co-Parenting Advice: The Hits and Misses

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A relationship between two parents does not stop after the divorce papers and parenting plan are signed.

Recognize that the co-parenting relationship is a process which evolves into something different in the post-divorce period.

Serena is divorced with two young daughters and thought the relationship with their father would just fall into its own natural rhythm. She assumed that they would naturally know how to communicate and was surprised when this did not happen.

There were triggers that set them each off and she learned to go on and mistakes will happen. What improved communication was ceasing phone calls and doing most of it by text. Texting enabled it to be more impersonal and helped Serena to delete emotion from the content.

Understanding that males and females have different styles of communication, allows Serena to just present facts or a simple request without a long story. One time she wanted the girls returned two hours later, but gave a detailed reason why. Her ex was fine with the request itself, but became embroiled in the reason for it, and they had an argument.

Serena has tips for raising children in two households and being on the same page with their other parent.

Keep kids out of your dating/sex life.

When married, her four year old was the one who broke the news of her husband’s affair (Daddy loves your friend and she loves Daddy).

Post-divorce they agreed to wait at least three months before introducing a new love interest to the children. She was floored when this same child talked about Daddy’s new girlfriend that he met last week and what a great cat and dog she has. Then the father took the youngsters on a camping trip with Amy, a week or so later, during which the adults had some private time in their tent.

co-parenting advice
Co-parenting advice: Save sex for when the kids are not right there.

Save sex for when the kids are not right there.

Serena met Amy at her daughters’ school faire. Her ex put his hand down inside Amy’s trousers on her bum, in front of many children. At least at family and school events, Serena suggests having decorum.

School events are a time when both parents want to see their kids. Recognize your comfort zone and whether you want to sit together or not. Serena realized that the girls are happy to have their parents in the audience and their seating arrangement is unimportant.

Decide on the importance of school attendance. Serena got a call from school one day asking why her daughters were not there. Serena is a teacher and became very upset. Her ex had taken the girls camping over a bank holiday which happened to be on his birthday. He did not ask/inform Serena that he was keeping the girls from school for a day.

Have pick up/drop off in a neutral location, such as the kids’ school.

Serena allowed their father to come over on some mornings, fix the girls breakfast and get them off to school when he had visitation. Serena had to be at her school early before her daughters’ classes started, so it seemed like this was a good arrangement.

She was caught in the façade of “happy family” and this delayed getting over her ex and marriage. Her wounds were raw from her ex’s infidelity and seeing him moving around her house made them feel worse.

A clean break would have been the best for moving on.

When Serena instigated the school for the exchanges, it made such a difference for her.

Energetically the house feels 100% hers (previously the marital home), now that her ex no longer comes over there. For shared care, they have a large carrier bag that contains jackets and other items that go between houses. Otherwise, they have clothes at each house.

In the past, Serena and her former spouse got together on holidays with the girls. There was tension between them and friction with each other’s extended families. It helps that Serena is Christian and her ex is Jewish, so there are less compromises to make regarding the religious days.

Her daughters are asking to have more time with their mother and Serena rues that the mediator set up 50/50 shared time. She is going back to the mediator to work with their father to get a schedule with less transitions and more time at her house. Serena is happy that her girls have a close relationship with their father and feels that co-parenting is getting a little easier as time goes by.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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How Coparents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children
Photo by Mike Scheid on Unsplash
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How Co-Parents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop
Al Huntoon
Al Huntoon
Founder
Coparenting Connection

“When my parents got divorced, I was just a baby and had no idea what it felt like to have two parents together. Children at any age grieve the loss of their family.”

What is Grief?

In very simple terms, grief is a reaction to loss. When we think of grief, we often think of a death loss, but grief is much broader than most think, and it can be felt for various reasons. Children are not immune to feeling these emotions. Many parents who go through a breakup or divorce may not even recognise that their children may also be grieving.

One aspect of the experience that not many separating or divorcing couples understand is that children do grieve this loss. It changes their whole life. Children can have similar reactions to how the parents may feel about the separation or divorce.

Children’s reactions and feelings can be more acute in the case of high-conflict separations or divorces. The day before transferring the child to the other parent’s house can be fraught with tense feelings. These are sensed by the child, who may wonder whether their parents may fight openly at the transfer or what will happen. That was my experience as a child.

When Karen’s parents divorced, she was too young to know what it was like to have both parents together. Karen recalls feeling lonely and insecure during her visits with her father, crying alone, and longing for her mother. Children of all ages grieve the loss of their family, though many parents may not recognise this. Grief, a reaction to loss, isn’t limited to death and can deeply affect children during divorce. This grief changes a child’s entire life, often manifesting in behavioural issues due to their limited ability to understand or express their feelings.

To illustrate this, Karen shares a deeply personal story from her own childhood, which highlights the impact of grief.

I saw pictures of myself spending time with my father when I was very young, but my earliest memories were with my mother. I spent most of my childhood with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend. Some of my earliest memories include crying in my bed at my father’s place and longing to be with my mom. I felt alone and hurt, yearning for her. I was also a very sickly child, and I struggled in those early years of school.

My attachment system was formed to feel secure and safe with my mom, but my behaviour was not always entirely indicative of that. I felt strongly attached and secure with her, but something else was going on at the same time. Once in kindergarten, I stole some macaroni that we used for art, and I got caught, so this was reported to the principal and my mom. I am not sure why I took it—maybe I thought my mom needed it to feed us. I also remember taking some Rice Krispies from home, putting them in a bag, and hiding them in the evergreens in front of the house. Was I feeling unsafe or insecure?

I wasn’t close to my father or his new wife. Years later, as I reflect on my childhood, I realise I had been grieving the loss of a normal family, the time I wasn’t with my mom, and the absence of a father figure I never truly had. I had never talked about this until years later in therapy. As a child in the 1970s and 1980s, my feelings did not matter much.

Parents may feel guilt about the separation or divorce but might not understand that their children are grieving as well. Karen’s parents never knew, and she cried by herself, jealous of other families with two loving parents—an emotion she now recognises as a form of grief.

Children Living Between Two Worlds

For children, divorce involves not just family members moving but also strong emotions and significant changes. They must navigate living between two worlds, with parents who may have different parenting styles. Consistency can help, but the transition is still difficult. Adults must understand separation or divorce from the child’s perspective, recognising that while they handle logistics, children are dealing with internal turmoil.

It’s common for separated or divorced parents to not want to hear that their child misses or feels sad about the other parent, leading some children to isolate themselves emotionally. Karen’s story is an example of this. Children may grieve the loss of their family, the daily presence of both parents, and the stability they once had. Relief may come in high-conflict households, but grief can also include sadness, confusion, anger, and fear of the unknown. Addressing these grief-related emotions is crucial to helping children adjust to divorce.

Age-Specific Indicators:

  • Ages 2 and under: Increased fussiness, clinginess, regression.
  • Ages 3-5: Regression, nightmares, aggression, noncompliance, temper tantrums, complaints about stomach.
  • Ages 6-9: Role replacement, feelings of abandonment, clinginess, fear you will disappear, aggression, withdrawal, may blame themselves, possessiveness, psychosomatic symptoms.
  • Early Adolescents: Increased aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, torn between two people, feeling the weight of being stuck in the middle, may take sides, anger, frustration, confusion, hurt, shame (worries about what their friends may think), may play games with parents.
  • Ages 13-18: Aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, possible risky behaviours, may distance themselves emotionally, may have conflicted loyalties, uncertain how to talk to their friends about it, grieve their home and lifestyle, grades may slip.
  • All Ages: Sadness, anger, guilt, denial, fear, psychosomatic symptoms, behavioural problems, aggression, concentration issues, fatigue, withdrawal, low self-esteem.

Emotional Literacy in Grieving Children

These reactions triggered by loss can be overwhelming for children, they often lack the emotional maturity and cognitive development to fully understand or process the feeling of grief. Children often struggle to articulate their feelings and might require guidance and support to navigate their grief in a healthy, productive way. Emotional literacy—the ability to recognise, understand, and express emotions constructively—plays a crucial role in helping children manage their grief. Here are some key benefits:

  • Validation of Feelings: When children can clearly express their feelings, they often feel more in control and understood. Knowing that their emotions are acknowledged and valued gives them a sense of empowerment. This recognition also fosters trust between children and their caregivers, reinforcing the idea that their feelings matter. Stronger emotional bonds with parents develop when children feel heard and understood, providing essential support and love during challenging times.
  • Reduced Anxiety: Understanding emotions can shed light on the complex feelings associated with grief, reducing confusion and anxiety. Expressing emotions can be a calming release, helping children manage anxiety in a healthy way. Children who can articulate their emotions are less likely to feel overwhelmed. By understanding the emotional responses of others, children can approach social interactions and family dynamics with greater ease.
  • Healthy Expression: Emotional literacy provides children with positive outlets for their emotions, reducing the likelihood of emotional outbursts or destructive behaviors. By learning to communicate their needs and feelings effectively, children can build stronger relationships with parents and peers. This emotional intelligence also enhances their ability to resolve conflicts peacefully by understanding different perspectives.
  • Enhanced Coping Skills: Emotional literacy helps children develop stronger coping mechanisms, helping them to face life’s challenges with resilience and adaptability. They are better equipped to solve problems by considering both their emotions and logical reasoning. This emotional intelligence enables children to make balanced decisions.

Supporting Emotional Literacy

Nurturing children’s emotional literacy involves employing intentional strategies that parents can implement to help their children understand and express their emotions in a healthy manner:

  • Modelling Behaviour: Parents can demonstrate emotional awareness by openly expressing their own feelings in an age-appropriate manner. For example, a parent might say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now.” By modelling healthy emotional responses, parents teach children valuable coping skills. Creating an open environment where children can ask questions and share their feelings without fear of judgment is essential.
  • Active Listening: When children express their emotions, giving them full attention is crucial. Using empathetic statements like, “I think you might be feeling sad because of the changes in our family,” shows children that their feelings are understood and valued. Attentive listening encourages open dialogue about emotions and fosters a supportive atmosphere.
  • Labelling and Coaching: Helping children identify and label their emotions is a key step in emotional literacy. For example, if children’s is upset, a parent can say, “It seems like you’re feeling angry.” Discussing the reasons behind these emotions can help children understand their feelings better. Positive reinforcement for expressing emotions encourages continued development of emotional literacy skills.

Strategies to Address Children’s Grief

Providing a Stable and Supportive Environment

Creating a sense of stability and support is crucial for children’s experiencing grief, especially in a coparenting situation. By working together, parents can build a consistent and reassuring environment that helps their child feel secure, even amidst significant life changes.

  • Aligned Messaging: In the delicate process of coparenting, presenting a unified front is crucial. When parents align their messaging, it not only reduces confusion but also eases the insecurities that grieving children often face. Consistent communication about family changes and emotional support signals to the child that both parents are in sync, offering them a comforting sense of security.
  • Shared Emotional Literacy Goals: Both parents should place a high priority on fostering emotional literacy, ensuring they are teaching and reinforcing the same concepts and strategies. By collaborating on how to handle significant events or emotional challenges, parents can prevent mixed signals and reinforce the importance of understanding and expressing emotions constructively. This unified approach ensures that the child receives consistent guidance, no matter which home they are in.
  • Predictability and Stability: Stability is the cornerstone of children’s emotional security, especially during times of grief. Consistency in rules and routines across both households provides the predictability that children need to feel safe and in control. When parents collaborate to establish similar expectations—whether it’s bedtime or screen time—they create a consistent experience that helps the child understand both homes as secure and familiar spaces, reducing any potential for confusion or anxiety.

Communication is Critical

  • Regular Check-ins: To uphold consistency, parents should schedule regular check-ins to discuss their children’s emotional and behavioural progress. Whether weekly or bi-weekly, these proactive discussions allow parents to stay ahead of any emerging issues, preventing minor challenges from escalating into significant problems.
  • Emotional Updates: These check-ins are also a vital opportunity to share updates on the children’s emotional state. By discussing any significant events or changes in behaviour, parents can ensure they are both prepared to respond appropriately and consistently, reinforcing the children’s emotional literacy and wellbeing.
  • Focus on the Children’s Wellbeing: Amidst the complexities of coparenting, it’s essential to keep the focus squarely on the child’s well-being. Conflicts should be handled privately, away from children, to avoid adding unnecessary stress to their emotional burden. By agreeing to present a calm and united front, even during disagreements, parents can shield their children from tension. In moments of conflict, refocusing on the shared goal—supporting the children’s emotional and developmental needs—can guide conversations and decisions toward constructive outcomes.

Professional Support

Undoubtedly, there will be challenges in helping your children navigate a separation or divorce. For the most part, you and your co-parent will be able to guide them through this life-changing event. However, each child’s response to the family transition will be unique. One child may adapt better to the divorce, while another may struggle. At times, it may be best for co-parents to seek support from professionals who can help guide and support their child through the separation or divorce and its effects.

When to Seek Professional Help

There are several reasons why co-parents might consider seeking professional help. As mentioned earlier, children’s behaviors can vary depending on their developmental stage. It is normal for children to regress, show anger, and sadness, or make hurtful remarks during a separation or divorce. These behaviors often stem from their grief over the loss of their previous family structure. However, if these signs become persistent and severe, consulting a children’s therapist may be crucial.

Signs That Professional Help May Be Needed:

  • Persistent Distress: Continuous sadness, anxiety, or upset for an extended period.
  • Significant Behavioural Issues: Dramatic changes in behaviour, increased defiance, aggression, or disruption.
  • Unexplained Physical Symptoms: Frequent complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments without a clear medical cause.
  • Self-Harm or Severe Depression/Anxiety: Talk of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or severe emotional distress.
  • Decline in Academic Performance: Noticeable drops in grades, loss of interest in school, or frequent school-related complaints.
  • Social Withdrawal: Avoiding friends, family, and previously enjoyed social activities.
  • Sleep Disturbances: Persistent nightmares, insomnia, or excessive sleeping.
  • Regressive Behaviours: Reverting to younger behaviours such as bed-wetting, clinginess, or tantrums.
  • Substance Use: Experimenting with drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism.
  • Intense Anger or Aggression: Frequent outbursts, fighting with peers, or defiance toward authority figures.
  • Difficulty with Daily Functioning: Struggling with routines, responsibilities, or loss of interest in activities.
  • Changes in Eating Habits: Significant weight loss or gain, or changes in eating patterns.
  • Excessive Guilt or Self-Blame: Expressing feelings of responsibility for the divorce or ongoing family issues.

Recognising these signs early and seeking professional help can make a significant difference in your child’s emotional and psychological wellbeing during and after a divorce.

Conclusion: Why This Matters

Parenting responsibilities don’t diminish during a separation or divorce; in fact, they often increase as coparenting introduces new and challenging skills. Emotional literacy is crucial—children need to express their feelings about the suddenly changed circumstances and their impact. Parents need to communicate with their children and be vigilant for harmful behaviors.

Coparents must understand that children grieve and that each child’s way of grieving is unique. During separation and divorce, parents are often overwhelmed by the many tasks and emotions involved. Some may feel strong guilt about leaving a marriage and its effects on their children. Many parents may not realise that, although children are generally resilient and able to transition, most new co-parents are unaware of how to effectively communicate with their children during this time.

Whether the relationship ended mutually or not, divorce is overwhelming. Karen’s personal story is not uncommon. This guide, which includes behaviours to watch for, developmental issues at each age, emotional literacy, practical coparenting strategies, and creating a stable environment, provides important steps for recognising and addressing these challenges.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

About Al Huntoon

Al Huntoon is a seasoned social worker with over 30 years of progressive experience in nonprofit leadership, coaching, and conflict resolution. As the founder of Coparenting Connection, he helps parents navigate the challenges of coparenting children from separate homes. Previously, he served as a Child Custody Mediator in the North Carolina’s largest Family Court District where he mediated hundreds of cases in a highly charged legal and emotional environment.

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How not to ‘hard launch’ your divorce
Photo by camilo jimenez on Unsplash
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How Not to ‘Hard Launch’ Your Divorce

Published on
Sarah Bunn
Sarah Bunn
Associate
Burgess Mee Family Law

In this digital age there is often a temptation to take to social media to record a landmark life event. Coupled with this, for many, there is also the desire to use social media to put the wrongs of the world to right – whether that is in relation to world politics or our personal lives.

In the context of divorce proceedings, from which financial and children proceedings can also follow, a solicitor’s headline advice is likely to be to avoid sharing information about one’s divorce on social media, or at least to err on the side of caution. We all remember Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ campaign. However, without a PR team behind you, any possible benefits seem to pale in comparison to the possible pitfalls.

Social media may appear to provide useful guidance and tips about navigating the divorce process but often this “advice” or anecdotal evidence is incorrect and could even be harmful. All families are different, and it follows that all divorce experience is different.

As a starting point, parties involved in family court proceedings are expected to uphold confidentiality. This means not sharing details about the case to third parties (unless in specific circumstances, such as when speaking to a legal representative or experts in a case). It also means that a party must not share documents relating to their case with third parties, including their entire social media network. In the context of divorce proceedings, which is largely an online process where spouses can usually avoid ever stepping into a court room, this can easily be forgotten. In financial and children proceedings, whilst attendance at court is more likely, reminders are often necessary.

Divorce, Confidentiality & Social Media

A breach of confidentiality in relation to family proceedings can have a negative impact on one’s case. Judges will be far from impressed and may say so, and in more extreme cases, the individual who is in breach of confidentiality can face fines and/or even a term of imprisonment.

It is important to be aware that even if one maintains confidentiality about the proceedings themselves, derogatory posts on social media about your spouse/child’s other parent can be used as evidence in a case. For example, social media posts about what a terrible person your (soon-to-be former) spouse/partner is or criticism of their parenting styles are often screenshotted and exhibited to narrative statements in order to evidence the conduct and entrenched views of one party about another.  More often than not, this will negatively impact a judge’s perception of the person posting such information, as opposed to the ‘postee’.

It is important to remember that judges are human and that they have a fairly wide discretion within the law. If they take against a particular party, this could impact the final decision which may be unappealable so keep them onside if you can.

Family, Social Media & Divorce

During family proceedings, it is often advisable to avoid social media altogether as what may be construed as positive posts can be used in a negative context, for example, during children proceedings where a party posts a photo of their new partner having a fun day out with children. If the other parent did not know that the children had been spending time with a new partner, such photos may be used as an example of a lack of positive co-parenting and joint decision-making.

Divorce, Finances & Social Media

In financial proceedings, constant updates about new relationships and time spent at each other’s home can be used as evidence of one of the parties’ cohabitation, or intention to cohabit with their new partner or even that claims of financial straits are untrue; “Just look at that 5-star hotel/business class flight/new handbag!”. This may impact financial provision made upon divorce. Even screenshots of CVs and comments found on a spouse’s professional profile can be used as evidence in relation to income and earning capacity.

As an aside, divorcing spouses should also be made aware, at the start of a case, about the move towards transparency in the family court. This development brings in a presumption that approved media and legal bloggers may attend most hearings in the family court and that they may report what they see, hear, and read, although usually the reporting will be anonymised first. This change in the ‘private’ nature of proceedings may result in an inevitable loss of control by parties to keep the details of their case private and shielded from mainstream media, even if they uphold their side of the confidentiality bargain.

Whilst media outlets will not construe every case as a matter of public interest, and there are limits to what can be reported, if you have concerns about this, it is important to have a discussion with your solicitor about whether the media may be interested in your case, and what steps you can take to keep details of your case private.

Some helpful guides about confidentiality in family court proceedings can be found on the government website:

Read more articles from Burgess Mee.

About Sarah Bunn

Sarah Bunn is an Associate at Burgess Mee. She specialises in complex financial remedy and private children law cases. She also advises clients in relation to nuptial agreements and cohabitation disputes.

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parental alienation example

Parental Alienation – The Example we Should all Learn from   

Published on
STACEY NEVIN
Stacey Nevin
Associate with
Kingsley Napley LLP

Occasionally, as a family solicitor, I come across a case that makes my heart sink.

That feeling overwhelmed me when I read the recent judgment of the case Q and R (Intractable Contact), which can only be described as an extreme example of the serious issue of parental alienation.

Parental alienation is a concept recognised by an increasing number of lawyers and psychologists. In simplest terms it arises when a parent manipulates the child to show unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards the other parent.  Not only does it damage a child’s relationship with the other parent, it can have a detrimental to a child’s mental health in the longer term.

For an estranged parent undergoing separation or post-divorce, it might be tempting to seek to turn a child against their ex. The acrimony from a split can so easily spill into the parenting arena, over parenting styles, behaviour and influences.

The danger zone is reached when the criticism is so repeated and effective that the child starts to believe and take as their own the negative images of that parent and in turn becomes self-sabotaging of that relationship.

There are a number of reported cases that have dealt with complaints about parental alienation, where the alienated party seeks to restore their relationship with the child. 

Whilst most judgments recognise the importance of the child having a healthy relationship with both parents, there is no statutory principle that protects this.  Sometimes the damage has already been done, as was the case in Q and R.

Q and R had the unfortunate effect of vindicating the mother who, it seems clear, was the engineer of her children’s wrecked relationship with their father.

Historically there had been a violent attack on the mother by the father, and it is of course possible that this motivated some of her actions later on. 

Yet despite psychologists finding that the father had dealt with his anger issues and that the children would benefit from contact with him, the mother did not accept those experts’ views, even after contact had taken place successfully.

She flouted court contact orders repeatedly and influenced the children to such an extent that they no longer wished to see their father and actively feared him.

In the end the judge reluctantly made an order for indirect contact only, stating this was in the children’s best interests. She justified her decision as the better course than inflicting a further cycle of litigation on the family and because the children would have rejected anything else.

To have ordered contact between the children and their father would have caused them anxiety and distress, such was the false belief system imposed upon them by the mother. 

The judge described this as a “running into the road case”; where the children expressed such strong views that they did not wish to be with their father, they might put themselves in harm’s way if made to see him against their wishes.

We can only hope this is a one off and not a precedent setting case.  Certainly parents guilty of alienating should not take it condoning this behaviour – the judge was highly critical of the mother – or of establishing a new norm.  

The overriding lesson is that those parents who feel they are on the receiving end of sabotaging behaviour should act early to avoid things getting to an impossible stage.

Bold and drastic measures in the early stages of a contact dispute can feel unreasonable and disproportionate, however this case demonstrates that the longer circumstances to on, the more difficult it can be to get things back on track.

For parents who can’t help but criticise their ex in front of their children, this case is a stark reminder to do better. 

Both parents have one common denominator; a child or children stuck in the middle whose present and future welfare lies in the balance.

About Stacey Nevin

The author is Stacey Nevin, an associate in the Family Law team at Kingsley Napley LLP. She works on cases involving all aspects of family law including private children cases and relocation cases.

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Parental Polarization vs Parental Alienation

Parental Polarization vs Parental Alienation

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Parental polarization is when children are strongly attached to one parent and have a poor relationship with the other one.  This is not about a baby clinging to his mother before spending time with his father.

Polarization is when children truly balk at going to visitation and tell their therapist that they only want to be with a certain parent. It goes beyond “dad lets us stay up late and we have so much more fun together than with mum.”

This becomes particularly evident during divorce when visitation is being initiated.

Divorce professionals have the task of determining whether the child is exhibiting polarization vs. parental alienation.

Parental alienation syndrome has several components to it. The first one is that a parent may block or limit access to the other one. They may feel justified by this action because child support is late or nonexistent.

However, this is impeding a child’s relationship with the absent parent and drawing her into a parental battle. A parent may claim that visitation is harming the child or is inconvenient with her schedule. The bottom line is that one parent is portrayed as inferior to the other one.

Another component to parental alienation is that a parent falsely accuses the other one of abuse or at least negligence. This can be intentional or the fact that they have different parenting styles and priorities.

Meeting with a divorce coach can help them be on the same page particularly when no malice is intended. I have seen this in the schools where one will say how sick the child is after returning from the co-parent’s house. They are encouraging children to take their side.

A strong indicator of parental alienation is when the child has had good relationships with both parents before the divorce and has great animosity towards one now. A parent is verbally attacking the other one and the children are caught in the cross fire. The youngsters form an alliance with the attacker.

www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
They did not want to see their father during or post-divorce.

When children are polarized towards one parent, it has nothing to do with what that parent has said or done regarding the other one.

The children do not suddenly go from being best buddies with a parent to mortal enemies, as can happen with parental alienation. The crux of the matter is, polarization is totally between a child and a parent without inference from anyone else, including the other parent.

When polarization occurs this is a red flag to investigate this situation. Why does the child not want to see the other parent?

  • Is there hidden abuse which may even be suppressed?
  • Has there been molestation that has not yet been revealed?
  • Could it be a safety issue, where a child is afraid of extreme anger or corporal punishment?
  • Does the child have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from emotional or financial abuse in the marriage?

Natalie’s children suffered the fall out of emotional and financial abuse in her marriage.

They did not want to see their father during or post-divorce. Their alarmed therapist stated that he had never seen such polarization towards one parent in his whole career. Soon after this, the Interim Child Psychologist contacted Children’s Protective Services for abuse that had just been revealed and then alerted that therapist.

It may be beneficial to educate the parent with an anger management course to keep a scary temper in check.

Parenting classes can teach someone about child development and better communication. If there is substance abuse, then rehab can be provided.

Supervised visitation is a viable solution to help the children feel safe so that a closer relationship can develop. Also an adult is right on the spot to help that parent communicate more effectively or even take a needed time out. Having children feel safe is a prime directive when polarization occurs.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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overcoming parental alienation

Separation and Children – 10 Points to Keep in Mind

Published on
Austin Chessell www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Austin Chessell
Accredited Family Mediator at FAMIA

If you are separating and you have children you may want to keep these 10 points in mind.

    • Do not criticise the other parent and do not involve children in the argument.
    • Bear in mind the needs of the other parent.
    • Allowing the child to contact the other parent e.g. by telephone when they are not with them and being able to talk openly when they miss the other parent.
    • Before during and after the separation keep in mind that the child may feel confused and have contradictory feelings.
    • Take on board what the child is thinking and listen to what the child wants to discuss but do not hold the child out to make the decision.
    • Acknowledge that the children have their own friends and activities that need to be considered when arranging contact.
    • Remember that each parent may have different parenting styles and the different styles of parenting can complement each other if not dismissed by the other parent.
    • If a regular pattern for contact is agreed stick to this so that the child does not feel upset for a contact being cancelled.
    • As the child gets older remember to be adaptable to their needs which may change.
    • Let the children know that even though you have decided to separate both parents and everyone involved still loves the children and that living in 2 separate households can work.

Austin Chessell is an accredited Family and Child Mediator at FAMIA (www.famia.co.uk) across Inner and Greater London. Austin is also a Professional Practice Consultant.

Austin is a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Feltons Solicitors in Knightsbridge.

Twitter @FamilyLawLondon

 

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4 Reasons You Shouldn’t Use AI to Get Divorced

Published on
Amanda Mason
CEO and Founder of SOLAGREEⓇ

After I graduated from law school, I spent years as a litigator fighting in the traditional family court system. I spent the early part of my career doing exactly what I was trained to do: fighting hard, pushing forward, and winning cases. But even when my clients “won,” I saw the immense collateral damage left behind. Once I personally experienced the trauma of taking the stand in my own custody trial, the reality became undeniable. The traditional, adversarial court system is a failing model that leaves families financially and emotionally drained. Fundamentally, it is an environment where someone is pitted versus someone, breeding an atmosphere of hostility and paranoia.

Today, clients are increasingly rejecting that adversarial approach. Nobody wants to pay a huge retainer with an open-ended billing structure, wait months for a meaningful update from their counsel, or spend years waiting to get into a backlogged courtroom. In a desperate attempt to avoid what I call the “divorce industrial complex,” many people are turning to artificial intelligence and LLM platforms to streamline the legal process, hoping for a faster, cheaper out.

The uncomfortable truth is that AI is actually not doing a half-bad job with the basic administrative aspects of divorce. Tools currently in development are designed to bypass our involvement entirely, allowing clients to simply push a button and file away. But while I fully advocate for bypassing the toxic, broken court system, turning your family’s future over to a robot is a dangerous gamble.

Here are four reasons why you shouldn’t use AI to get divorced, and why a human-centric alternative is still the only way to truly protect your peace and your wallet.

1. AI Cannot Read a Room or Understand Emotional Complexity

At our core, we are mammals. We crave and need a human touch, especially during our most vulnerable and terrifying moments. When one spouse decides to leave a marriage, both spouses’ fight-or-flight modes instantly engage, and trust—which is already battered—completely erodes. Divorce triggers profound emotional trauma, transforming the smartest, most accomplished people into individuals ruled by anxiety and fear.

Algorithms, no matter how advanced they may be, cannot read a room or understand emotional complexity. An AI cannot see the anxiety in a spouse’s face during a mediation session, nor can it validate a parent’s unique values and goals. When you are existing in a heightened state of distrust where every word feels like a trap, you need an objective human professional to guide you back to a rational headspace. Human professionals can dial down the anxiety at the outset and get people thinking more positively, something a computer prompt simply cannot do.

2. The Margin of Error is Terrifying

While AI might get the broad strokes right, the 5-40 percent that it gets wrong should be absolutely terrifying to anyone relying on it for a legal resolution. Divorce isn’t just paperwork; it dictates the division of your hard-earned assets, your future financial stability, and most importantly, the custody and support of your children.

A hallucination by an AI platform or a misunderstanding of nuanced state law could result in a disastrous final document. If your automated AI divorce makes a critical error, you will likely end up right back in the same expensive, backlogged court system you were trying to avoid, paying an attorney tens of thousands of dollars to try and untangle the mess. I went to law school to protect people’s rights, and prioritizing flesh-and-blood clients over data sets requires real human diligence.

3. Algorithms Cannot Craft Creative Compromises

AI platforms assume that you and your spouse can already agree on everything. But what happens when you don’t? Even the most “amicable” couples usually have complex financial or parenting issues to resolve.

Artificial intelligence cannot craft creative compromises that fit a family’s specific needs and goals. Only humans can do that. In a properly structured human process, you start by working with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) who helps you deeply understand what’s actually in play financially, giving you the power to design your own outcomes. Likewise, a custody intake specialist can help validate each parent’s styles, often revealing that parents have more commonalities than differences. A skilled human mediator can then bridge the gap on difficult issues. An AI simply outputs standard templates based on algorithms; it cannot brainstorm an outside-the-box solution that saves your family’s specific business or protects a unique retirement plan.

4. AI Lacks the Binding “Safety Net” Needed for True Peace of Mind

The biggest vulnerability of any purely automated or unguided negotiation is that there is no safety net. With traditional “naked” mediation, collaborative law, or DIY AI tools, either spouse can walk away at any time. As long as that threat exists, neither party can truly relax or operate outside of a defensive posture.

A human-centric, phased approach—specifically mediated arbitration—solves this. In this method, couples commit to a binding process from the start. If you cannot resolve a specific issue through mediation, a vetted, private human arbitrator steps in to make a legally binding decision based on your state’s laws. This ensures that no single person can blow the whole thing up and drag it out for years. Knowing that this human safety net is in place organically lowers anxiety and pulls clients out of their defensive fight-or-flight mentality, allowing them to engage in dignified, rational compromise. An AI program cannot guarantee that your high-conflict spouse won’t suddenly abandon the software and hire a pitbull attorney.

Future-Proofing Your Divorce

I entirely understand the desire to escape the nightmare of traditional litigation. As a seasoned practitioner who has spent years watching the adversarial system rip everyone apart, I know exactly why couples are searching for a faster, flat-fee alternative.

But the answer is not to hand your family’s future over to an algorithm. To truly future-proof the profession and protect families, we must pivot toward human-centric, highly efficient alternative resolution frameworks. By utilizing a structured model that integrates CDFAs, skilled mediators, and private arbitrators, you can achieve the virtual, streamlined, and cost-predictable divorce you want—without sacrificing the vital emotional support and legal integrity you need.

At the end of the day, divorcing strong means maintaining who you are at the core of your soul all the way through to the end of the process. You deserve a divorce framework that prioritizes your dignity, neutrality, and humanity. Robots may be fast, but when it comes to your family, your finances, and your peace of mind, there is simply no substitute for the right humans.

About Amanda Mason

Amanda Mason is CEO and founder of SOLAGREEⓇ, a new divorce framework that blends mediation, arbitration, and financial planning professionals into one streamlined process. In addition to her role with SOLAGREEⓇ, Amanda is a partner at Mason, Mason, & Smith in Wilmington, NC and a certified mediator who provides assertive, effective representation in divorce, custody, and complex civil matters.

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Navigating Divorce As An LGBTQ+ Couple In The UK.
Photo by Anastasiia Chepinska on Unsplash
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Navigating Divorce As An LGBTQ+ Couple In The UK

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Divorce is a significant life event that can have profound emotional, financial, and legal implications for anyone. Unfortunately, for LGBTQ+ individuals, the journey can be further complicated by societal prejudices, lack of understanding, and specific legal nuances. While the legalisation of same-sex marriage in the UK in 2014 marked a significant milestone, there are still complexities and potential challenges that LGBTQ+ couples may face during the divorce process.

Grounds for Divorce

In recent years, the UK introduced no-fault divorce laws, allowing couples to divorce without having to cite reasons such as unreasonable behaviour or adultery. This change brings greater simplicity and reduces potential conflict around assigning fault.

However, for LGBTQ+ couples, there may still be nuances to navigate when it comes to defining concepts like adultery within the context of their relationships. Some LGBTQ+ relationships have non-traditional structures or different boundaries around monogamy. Working with lawyers experienced in LGBTQ+ family law can ensure these nuances are properly understood and addressed.

Additionally, LGBTQ+ couples may face bias or lack of understanding from some legal professionals if explanations of relationship dynamics are required as part of proceedings. An LGBTQ+-friendly legal team is crucial for ensuring the divorce process is fair and respectful of all relationship styles.

Division of Assets and Finances

The division of assets and finances is a critical aspect of any divorce proceeding. For LGBTQ+ couples, this process may involve unique challenges. For example, if one partner has been financially dependent on the other, determining appropriate spousal support can be complex. Additionally, issues around property ownership and financial entitlements may require careful consideration, particularly in cases where the couple had a long-term relationship before same-sex marriage was legalised.

In a traditional heterosexual marriage, the division of assets and finances is typically based on the principle of fairness, taking into account factors such as the duration of the marriage, each spouse’s financial contributions, and any dependent children. However, for LGBTQ+ couples, additional factors may come into play.

One significant challenge can arise when one partner has been financially dependent on the other for an extended period. In some cases, LGBTQ+ individuals may have sacrificed career opportunities or financial independence due to societal prejudices or the lack of legal recognition for their relationship. Determining appropriate spousal support in these situations can be complex and may require careful consideration of the couple’s unique circumstances.

Another potential issue is property ownership and financial entitlements accumulated during the period before same-sex marriage was legalised in the UK. In some cases, LGBTQ+ couples may have been in long-term committed relationships for decades before being able to legally marry. Determining how to divide assets and finances in these situations can be intricate, as the legal framework for property rights and financial entitlements may have been different during that time.

Child Custody and Parental Rights

LGBTQ+ individuals have the legal right to adopt and raise children in the UK, and their parental rights are recognised in divorce proceedings. However, navigating child custody and visitation arrangements can be intricate, especially in cases involving surrogacy or co-parenting arrangements.

The legalisation of same-sex marriage in the UK has brought greater clarity and protection for LGBTQ+ parents’ rights in divorce proceedings. Regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity – both parents are entitled to seek custody and visitation rights, and the court’s primary consideration is the best interests of the child.

However, there may be unique challenges for LGBTQ+ couples when it comes to child custody and parental rights. For example, in cases involving surrogacy or assisted reproductive technologies, legal issues around parentage and parental rights can be complex.

By understanding the legal rights and seeking guidance from experienced professionals, LGBTQ+ couples can navigate the complexities of child custody and parental rights during divorce proceedings with greater confidence and clarity. Ultimately, the primary focus should be on ensuring the best possible outcome for the children involved.

Domestic Partnerships and Civil Unions

Before same-sex marriage became legal in the UK, many LGBTQ+ couples entered into domestic partnerships or civil unions. The dissolution of these partnerships may involve different legal processes compared to traditional divorce proceedings. Couples in this situation must seek specialised legal advice to ensure their rights and interests are adequately protected.

In the UK, civil partnerships were introduced in 2005, providing same-sex couples with legal recognition and rights similar to those of married couples. However, the dissolution of a civil partnership followed a different legal process than divorce. After same-sex marriage became legal in 2014, existing civil partnerships could be converted into marriages, but some couples may have chosen to remain in their civil partnership.

For couples seeking to dissolve a civil partnership, the process is known as “dissolution” rather than divorce.

Additionally, the division of assets and financial entitlements in the dissolution of a civil partnership may follow different rules and guidelines compared to divorce proceedings. Legal professionals must be well-versed in these nuances to ensure a fair and equitable distribution.

Similarly, for LGBTQ+ couples who entered into domestic partnerships or other forms of legal recognition before civil partnerships or same-sex marriage were available, the dissolution process may involve unique complexities. These partnerships may have been governed by different laws and regulations, and the division of assets and financial entitlements could be subject to different considerations.

Discrimination and Sensitivity Concerns

While the law aims to be impartial and non-discriminatory, unconscious biases and prejudices can still influence the attitudes and actions of some legal professionals.

One area where discrimination can manifest is in child custody disputes. Despite legal protections, some judges or legal professionals may harbour biases that could influence their decisions regarding parental rights or the best interests of the child. LGBTQ+ parents may face unfair scrutiny or assumptions about their ability to provide a suitable environment for their children.

To mitigate the risks of discrimination and ensure a fair and equitable process, it’s crucial for LGBTQ+ couples to work with legal teams that are well-versed in LGBTQ+ family law and have a proven track record of sensitivity and inclusivity. These professionals can help advocate for their clients’ rights, challenge biased assumptions, and ensure that the unique circumstances and perspectives of LGBTQ+ couples are respected throughout the proceedings.

It’s important to remember that while discrimination and insensitivity may still exist, the legal system and society as a whole are continuously evolving to become more inclusive and accepting of LGBTQ+ individuals and families. By staying informed, advocating for their rights, and seeking out legal help – LGBTQ+ couples can navigate the divorce process with greater confidence and resilience.

Final Thoughts

Even though the journey may be challenging, LGBTQ+ couples need to understand their rights and seek guidance from professionals who are well-versed in LGBTQ+ family law. By approaching the process with understanding, sensitivity, and a commitment to fairness, couples can navigate the complexities of divorce and move forward with greater clarity and resilience.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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