family mediation

No Child Should Be a Case Number: When a Child’s Future Is Decided in a Courtroom in 40 Minutes

Published on
Kristyna Hawkett
Family Mediator and Founder
MinusOne Mediation

Every three months, more than 14,000 new disputes between parents about their children are brought into the court system in England and Wales, affecting over 20,000 children¹.

Let’s just stop and think about this. No child should be a case number. And yet, in practice, that is often what they become – part of a process designed to manage disputes, not childhoods. While the number of cases is unsettling, it is even more concerning that, inside the family court, a judge may have less than an hour – sometimes as little as 40 minutes – to move a case forward.

Forty minutes.

That’s less time than most families spend deciding where to go on holiday. Less time than a single school lesson. Less time than it takes to watch an episode of a television drama that, ironically, often portrays the very system parents find themselves in. And yet, some people continue to treat the court process as the default route for resolving parenting disputes.

Private law children’s cases are rising steadily. Behind each application is not just a legal issue, but a family in distress, often already struggling to communicate, regulate emotions, or make decisions together. And very often, it’s not as complicated as it first appears. It’s two parents stuck in conflict – hurt, frustrated, and often angry, reacting to each other, rather than stepping back and thinking clearly about what their child actually needs.

Of course, there will always be cases where court involvement is necessary, and where there are safeguarding concerns or risks that require clear legal intervention.

But for many families, that is not the starting point. Parents don’t enter the system thinking they are doing anything wrong. Most come in believing they are protecting their child or doing what they believe is right.

Frustration, hurt and anger can begin to shape how parents speak to, and about, each other. Over time, this can influence how a child experiences both parents. And this is where things become more complex because in the middle of conflict, perspective tends to shift. What may begin as two parents trying to do what they believe is best for their child can, over time, move further away from the child’s needs and deeper into conflict.

A court order can decide where a child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, and how decisions are made. But it doesn’t teach people how to parent together. It doesn’t help when a teenager suddenly refuses contact. It doesn’t ease the tension. It doesn’t prepare parents for the everyday realities of birthdays, new partners, changing routines, or a child trying to adjust between two homes.

At best, a court order gives structure. But real life doesn’t follow a timetable. And still, many parents come away believing that once the order is in place, things will fall into place too. Often, they don’t.

One of the biggest misunderstandings in family disputes is the idea that someone has to be right. But parenting after separation isn’t about winning. It’s about adjusting. Children don’t benefit when parents become fixed in their positions. They benefit when parents can stay flexible and keep talking, even when things are difficult.

But going through a court process together doesn’t always support that. In many cases, it can make it harder for parents to work together afterwards. This is where the system often falls short. Because while the legal process focuses on evidence, statements, and outcomes, children need something different: stability, understanding, and the sense that both parents can still work together, even if they’re no longer together.

For many parents, the legal process itself becomes an additional barrier. Legal terminology, let’s call it “legalese”, can feel overwhelming, confusing, and inaccessible for those without a legal background. Parents are expected to navigate complex procedures, interpret formal documents, and make important decisions, often without fully understanding the implications, at a time when they may already be struggling themselves. Parents are asked to make long-term decisions while everything still feels uncertain.

When parents have the right support around them, they are better able to think clearly, communicate more effectively, and make decisions that their children can actually live with. The end of a relationship is not the end of a family. It is a restructuring. And that restructuring doesn’t stop once the paperwork is signed or the order is made. In many ways, that’s when the real work begins.

Co-parenting is not a static arrangement – it evolves over time as children grow, circumstances change, and new challenges arise. Yet ongoing support for families after separation is often minimal. We prepare people for the legal process. We rarely prepare them for what comes after.

If the goal is truly to prioritise children, then we need to rethink how we approach family disputes. We need to move away from the idea that resolution is something imposed from the outside, and towards approaches that empower parents to create sustainable, workable solutions themselves. This is not about limiting options for families, but about expanding them.

It’s about recognising that while courts have an essential role, they are not designed to meet the full spectrum of needs that separating families experience. And perhaps most importantly, it’s about acknowledging that children should be spared unnecessary conflict wherever possible.

The reality is clear. The system is under pressure, and families are left to navigate a process that was never designed to support them holistically. But there is another way. One that looks at how families can resolve disputes without going through the court process and instead focuses on supporting parents to make decisions together in a way that works for their children. One that recognises that the long-term wellbeing of children depends not on court orders, but on the quality of the relationships around them. Because in the end, the question isn’t whether the court can make a decision. It’s whether that decision will truly help a family move forward. And in many cases, the answer may be more uncomfortable than we expect.

So where in the process are parents shown how to actually make it work afterwards?

 

  1. Ministry of Justice,Family Court Statistics Quarterly, January–March 2025 and July–September 2025.
    Cafcass, Management Information and Demand Data (2025).

 

About Kristyna Hawkett

Kristyna Hawkett is a family mediator and founder of MinusOne Mediation. She works with separating parents to reduce conflict and support more constructive, child-focused ways of moving forward. She helps parents navigate both the divorce process and what comes after, when day to day co-parenting becomes the real challenge.

Email Kristyna Hawkett: kristyna@minusonemediation.com

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Why Child-Inclusive Mediation Matters More Than Ever for Separating Parents

Published on
Sarah Hawkins
Sarah Hawkins
CEO
National Family Mediation (NFM)

When parents separate, the focus understandably turns to their children – how they’re coping, what arrangements will work, and how to protect them from unnecessary distress.

But research – and increasingly, national guidance – points to one clear truth: it’s not separation itself that has the greatest impact on children. It’s how that separation is handled.

So important is this issue that the Children’s Commissioner for England, Dame Rachel de Souza, has recently written directly to parents going through divorce – urging them to minimise conflict and prioritise their child’s experience throughout the process.

What the Children’s Commissioner Wants Parents to Understand

In her letter, Dame Rachel highlights that:

  • It is not separation itself, but exposure to conflict, that most affects children’s wellbeing
  • Children are particularly harmed when they feel caught in the middle or pressured to take sides
  • Feeling heard and respected during family changes can make a lasting positive difference

She also makes an important point: while court is necessary in some situations – particularly where safety is a concern – many families can and should consider resolving issues outside of court.

Because when children feel that parents are “fighting for them,” it can unintentionally leave them feeling responsible for the conflict – something that can affect their wellbeing long after the legal process ends.

The Shift Away from Court

This reflects a wider shift across the family justice system.

Courts are increasingly encouraging parents to resolve matters amicably wherever possible – and the reality is that most families do not need to go to court to reach workable arrangements.

That’s where mediation comes in.

Rather than having decisions made by a judge – who may only see a limited snapshot of family life – mediation supports parents to make decisions together, in a calmer and more constructive way.

And for many families, Child-Inclusive Mediation (CIM) is becoming an important part of that process.

What Is Child-Inclusive Mediation?

Child-Inclusive Mediation gives children the opportunity to have a voice – safely and appropriately – within the mediation process.

This doesn’t mean asking children to make decisions or choose between parents.

Instead, it allows them to:

  • Share how arrangements are affecting them day to day
  • Express what’s important to them
  • Feel listened to during a time of significant change

A specially trained mediator speaks with the child privately, and any feedback shared with parents is done carefully, neutrally, and with the child’s consent.

Why Hearing Your Child’s Voice Can Change Everything

Parents naturally want to do what’s best—but without direct insight, it’s easy to misinterpret what a child is experiencing.

Through CIM, children often share things they haven’t felt able to say before – about school, routines, or emotional pressures.

That perspective can be powerful.

“Children don’t need to be put in the middle to be heard. When done properly, Child-Inclusive Mediation gives them a voice without giving them responsibility.” – Sarah Hawkins

It can help parents move away from positions of disagreement and toward solutions that genuinely support their child’s wellbeing.

Keeping Decisions Out of Court—Where Possible

For many families, mediation – and CIM in particular – can help avoid the need for court altogether.

Court proceedings can be:

  • Lengthy and costly
  • Emotionally draining
  • Determined by a judge with limited time and limited insight into your family

While judges play a vital role, they cannot fully understand the day-to-day realities of your child’s life in the way you can.

Mediation creates the space to explore those realities – and to reach agreements that are more personal, practical, and sustainable.

A Common Misunderstanding

As more families are encouraged toward mediation, there is still some confusion about what it involves.

Mediation is not the same as court:

  • It is confidential
  • Mediators do not make decisions or recommendations
  • No reports are written for a judge

This independence is what allows both parents – and children – to speak openly and honestly, without fear of repercussions.

Supporting Families to Choose Mediation

Encouragingly, support is available to help families access mediation early.

The Government’s Family Mediation Voucher Scheme offers up to £500 towards the cost of mediation.

Since its launch, it has helped tens of thousands of families reach agreements around children, finances, and housing – without escalating matters through the courts.

At NFM, we see this as a proven and cost-effective way to support families at a difficult time – reducing conflict and helping parents move forward constructively.

Final Thoughts: Putting Children at the Centre

Separation is a significant moment in a child’s life – but it doesn’t have to be a damaging one.

What matters most is how parents navigate the journey.

Child-Inclusive Mediation supports families to:

  • Reduce conflict
  • Keep children out of the middle – but still heard
  • Make decisions together, rather than having them imposed

As the Children’s Commissioner makes clear, children benefit most when they feel safe, listened to, and protected from adult conflict.

“Most parents don’t want to fight – they want to find a way forward that works for their children. Mediation helps make that possible.” – Sarah Hawkins

If you’re going through separation, it’s worth considering not just what decisions need to be made – but how you can make them in a way that truly supports your child.

About Sarah Hawkins

Sarah Hawkins is the CEO of National Family Mediation (NFM), the largest provider of family mediation services in England and Wales. A passionate advocate for conflict resolution and family wellbeing, Sarah has over 20 years of experience helping families navigate the emotional and legal challenges of separation and divorce.

📍 www.nfm.org.uk | 📧 info@nfm.org.uk | 📱 @FamilyMediationNFM

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The Hidden Challenges Immigrant Parents Face in the UK Family Court
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The Hidden Challenges Immigrant Parents Face in the UK Family Court

Published on
Gergely Fried
Gergely Fried
McKenzie Friend and Founder of Everyman Justice

Sponsored post by Everyman Justice.

UK Family Court

When parents separate, the family court process can feel overwhelming for anyone. But for parents who have moved to the UK from abroad, the challenges are often deeper and more complex. Differences in language, legal systems, cultural expectations, and access to support can turn an already stressful situation into something far more daunting.

Many parents come from countries with different family law systems, communication styles, or cultural attitudes toward questioning authority. In those circumstances, tasks that may appear straightforward, such as completing forms or understanding a Cafcass letter, can feel intimidating and confusing. This article explores the language barriers, cultural misunderstandings, and systemic assumptions that can make the process harder for immigrant parents, and why empathy and clarity matter so much.

When English Is Not Your First Language

Even parents who speak English confidently in everyday life often struggle when faced with legal or formal language. Court correspondence uses specific terminology that carries precise meanings, and these meanings are not always obvious.

Terms such as parental responsibility, fact-finding hearing, or position statement are not part of ordinary conversation. Misunderstanding them can lead parents to respond in ways that unintentionally weaken their position. Some parents worry about appearing uninformed or uncooperative, so they avoid asking questions. That silence may then be misinterpreted as disengagement, when it is actually rooted in fear or uncertainty.

I have spoken to parents who read the same paragraph repeatedly without feeling sure they understood it correctly. The emotional weight of that confusion is often invisible to professionals, but it shapes how confidently or hesitantly a parent participates in the process.

The Emotional Pressure of Navigating Court Alone

Many parents going through family court have some form of support around them. Friends, extended family, or colleagues who are familiar with the UK system can help them make sense of what is happening.

Parents who have moved to the UK more recently often do not have that network. Some have no one they feel comfortable asking for guidance. Others worry that asking the “wrong” question might somehow harm their case. The fear of making a mistake can be paralysing.

When a parent is separated from their wider family and cultural community, the emotional stakes are even higher. The fear of losing contact with a child can feel amplified when there is no familiar support structure nearby. That emotional pressure can affect how parents communicate, how they present themselves, and how they cope with the demands of the process.

Cultural Differences and Misinterpretation

Family dynamics and communication styles vary widely across cultures. In some cultures, avoiding eye contact is a sign of respect. In others, emotional restraint is valued over direct expression. Some parents are raised to defer to authority rather than challenge it.

Within the UK family court system, these behaviours can sometimes be misunderstood. A parent who avoids eye contact may be seen as evasive. A parent who speaks passionately may be perceived as aggressive. A parent who hesitates to question professionals may be viewed as disengaged.

These interpretations are rarely intentional, but they can influence how a parent is perceived. When cultural context is not fully understood, well-intended behaviour can be misread in ways that affect outcomes.

A System That Assumes Prior Knowledge

Court forms and procedures, including C100 applications, C1A allegations, statements, and evidence bundles, often assume a baseline understanding of how the UK legal system operates. For many parents who have moved to the UK, that knowledge was never available to them.

Beyond the forms themselves, many parents are unaware of how decisions are actually made. Family courts operate on the balance of probabilities rather than certainty, which can be unfamiliar to those from different legal traditions.

Without understanding how evidence is assessed or how concerns are framed, parents may approach the process with expectations that do not align with how outcomes are decided. This can lead to frustration, confusion, and a sense that the system is unpredictable or unfair, even when procedures are being followed correctly.

Interpreters and Practical Access to Support

Language support does exist within the family court system, including access to interpreters when requested. However, many parents are unaware that this support is available or feel uncomfortable asking for it.

Clearer information about interpreter availability, alongside plainer language guidance and greater cultural awareness, could help reduce misunderstandings before they affect outcomes. Small changes in how information is explained and how behaviour is interpreted may significantly improve fairness without lowering standards.

Small Steps That Can Make a Difference

While every situation is different, a few approaches can help parents feel more grounded during proceedings:

Taking time to slow down. Court communication often feels urgent, but responding while overwhelmed increases confusion. Reading documents carefully, drafting responses before sending them, and asking for clarification where needed can reduce mistakes.

Separating emotion from structure. Emotional experiences are valid, but court documents usually require clarity and structure. Writing drafts privately before refining them can help parents express concerns in a way the court can engage with.

Keeping simple records. Many parents are unsure what evidence matters. Keeping a basic timeline of key events, copies of important messages, and notes of significant interactions can help parents stay organised and feel more prepared.

Why Empathy Matters for Children

Children are deeply affected by parental stress, even when it is not spoken about directly. Anxiety can show up in disrupted sleep, increased clinginess, or worry about conversations they only partially understand.

When parents feel calmer and more supported, they are better able to provide emotional stability. Clearer communication and reduced stress can help children feel safer during a period of uncertainty, which is ultimately what the family court process aims to protect.

A Closing Reflection

This article is not about criticising the family court system or promoting any particular service. It is an honest reflection on the emotional and practical barriers that parents from abroad often face when navigating an unfamiliar legal environment.

Needing extra explanation does not make a parent less capable. Asking questions does not indicate weakness. Struggling with an unfamiliar system does not reflect on a parent’s ability to care for their child.

Empathy, clarity, and understanding do not change the law, but they can change how families experience the process. And that can make a meaningful difference for both parents and children.

This article is intended for general information and emotional support only and does not constitute legal advice.

About Gergely Fried

Gergely Fried is a McKenzie Friend, author, and the founder of Everyman Justice. With a background in education and business, and personal experience of child arrangements proceedings, he supports parents navigating the UK family court system with calm, practical guidance and emotional insight. His work focuses on clarity, emotional understanding, and reducing unnecessary conflict, always with the child’s wellbeing at the centre.

His book, Conflict by Design, guides parents step by step through child arrangements proceedings using a realistic case narrative, explaining what to expect in clear, accessible language rather than legal or academic jargon.

Everyman Justice: https://everymanjustice.co.uk/
Support & Help: https://everymanjustice.co.uk/support-and-help/

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Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Separation, Finances and Children for LGBTQ+ Families
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Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Separation, Finances and Children for LGBTQ+ Families

Published on
Joe Ferguson
Joe Ferguson
Family Law Solicitor
Myerson Solicitors

The end of a relationship is never easy, but for LGBTQ+ couples, navigating the legal and emotional aspects of separation can come with distinct challenges. For LGBTQ+ families knowing your rights is vital – particularly if your family has been formed through surrogacy, adoption or other routes that can carry additional legal considerations.

In this article, we explore how separation works for same-sex and LGBTQ+ couples, how financial matters are resolved, and what options are available when children are involved.

Ending the relationship: divorce and civil partnership dissolution

LGBTQ+ couples have had the legal right to marry since 2013 in England and Wales, and civil partnerships continue to be recognised. Both marriage and civil partnerships can be formally ended through the family court – divorce or dissolution, respectively – and the process is now based on a no-fault system. This means that neither party needs to prove wrongdoing for the legal process to begin.

Whether it is a divorce or a dissolution the procedure is the same: an initial application, followed by a conditional order, and finally, a final order to formally end the marriage or civil partnership.

But while the legal framework is the same for all couples, LGBTQ+ individuals may face different questions when it comes to resolving finances and parenting arrangements, particularly when their relationship pre-dated legal recognition.

Financial matters: reaching a fair outcome

Financial settlements can be one of the most emotive and difficult topics to brooch following separation. Like opposite-sex couples, same-sex spouses and civil partners are entitled to a full range of financial remedies. These can include:

  • Lump sum payments
  • Spousal maintenance
  • Property transfers or sales
  • Pension orders
  • A clean break, ending future financial ties

The court will assess the financial resources, needs and contributions of each party amongst other factors, and aims to reach an outcome that is fair and meets the needs of the parties and any children involved.

However, there can be added complexity when considering assets that were acquired before marriage – especially for couples who lived together for many years. Determining whether these assets are “marital” or “non-marital” can become a key issue, particularly where significant property, pensions or savings are involved. Cohabitation alone does not automatically give rise to legal rights, though it is typically taken into account that any period of seamless cohabitation prior to the date of the marriage or civil partnership when determining the length of the marriage. Accordingly, timelines and clear evidence of cohabitation is often required. It should be noted of course that many LGBTQ+ couples were unable to enter into marriage or civil partnership previously owing to the lack of provision within the law for them. Accordingly, these arguments can be important as evidence of the enduring relationship between the parties. 

Children: supporting parenthood in all its forms

For LGBTQ+ families, parenting often involves a range of routes – from adoption and surrogacy to donor conception. These arrangements can create additional legal considerations during a separation.

The starting point is to establish parental responsibility: the legal authority to make decisions about a child’s health, education, and welfare. Biological and adoptive parents usually have parental responsibility automatically, but others (such as non-birth parents in a surrogacy arrangement) may need to apply for parental orders, declarations of parentage or child arrangements orders. 

If both parents are legally recognised, they may choose to agree parenting arrangements voluntarily. Options include:

  • Mediation: This process can help couples reach agreement on how children will be cared for, where they will live, and how contact will work. Mediation is not legally binding but can lead to a more amicable, cost-effective solution.
  • Collaborative law: This process enables separating couples to work together with trained professionals to resolve disputes without going to court. Everyone agrees to work together as a team to resolve disputes without going to court. 
  • Negotiation: working with solicitors, with the benefit of independent legal advice, to work out what would be best for their family, avoiding costly and potentially acrimonious court proceedings.

If agreement cannot be reached, the family court can make a Child Arrangement Order which is legally binding and sets out the child’s living and contact arrangements. The court’s priority is always the child’s welfare.

Planning ahead for a smoother separation

While the legal system provides equality on paper, LGBTQ+ families may still encounter unique issues when relationships end. The reality is that the law in this area is continues to evolve but has not caught up to the social realities of life as an LGBTQ+ person and the unique family dynamics which are increasingly commonplace. The key to navigating these challenges is early advice and a tailored, bespoke approach that reflects the structure of your family, the history of your relationship, and the complexities involved.

If you are an LGBTQ+ individual facing the challenges associated with separation and need assistance, the team at Myerson Solicitors are here to support you with clarity, empathy and practical expertise.

Read more articles by Myerson Solicitors.

About Joe Ferguson

Joe Ferguson is a solicitor in the Family Law team at Myerson Solicitors. He specialises in divorce, financial remedy proceedings, and complex children matters, with particular expertise in supporting LGBTQ+ clients through family law issues with sensitivity and pragmatism.

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Understanding Parental Rights in the UK
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Understanding Parental Rights in the UK

Published on
Akwal Ryatt
Akwal Ryatt
Head of Family Law
Tyler Hoffman Solicitors

Getting divorced can be complicated for couples with children, as decisions must be made regarding where each child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, and other aspects of their care. The matter of parental rights may also come into question, particularly if the parents were not married when the child was born. A father may not automatically have parental responsibility for a child under these circumstances, which can affect their rights during divorce proceedings.

There are important legal and procedural steps that parents should take during divorce proceedings to preserve their role in their child’s life, and to maintain the ability to make decisions about their care, their living arrangements and other important aspects of their life. These rights do not automatically change due to divorce, but the court may become involved if there is a dispute about how they are exercised, and it is important to protect yourself.

Here, the experienced divorce solicitors at Tyler Hoffman explain how parental responsibility is established, how it affects the rights of each parent during a divorce and how to secure a Child Arrangements Order.

What is parental responsibility?

‘Parental responsibility’ refers to the legal rights, duties, powers and authority a parent has for a child. It includes the right to make decisions about education, religion, medical treatment and day-to-day care. A child’s birth mother will have parental responsibility automatically, and any Parental Responsibility Orders issued by the court will name any other people who have a say in these decisions.

A father’s legal rights generally depend on whether he has parental responsibility, which can be crucial when making child arrangements during the divorce process. A father automatically has parental responsibility if he was married to the child’s mother at the time of birth or subsequently, or if he is listed on the birth certificate (for children born after 1 December 2003 in England and Wales). You should speak to experienced paternity lawyers about whether you have parental responsibility if you have any concerns. Adoptive or foster parents may also have this responsibility, although it can be worthwhile to confirm this with a solicitor.

If either party does not have parental responsibility, they apply to the court for it using a Parental Responsibility Order or by entering into a Parental Responsibility Agreement with the child’s birth mother.

What is the role of a Child Arrangements Order?

A Child Arrangements Order is a legally binding court order that outlines how a child’s care will be structured following a divorce or separation. It becomes necessary if parents cannot reach an informal agreement (such as a Parenting Plan) about how child care arrangements will be managed. The order offers a legally binding decision on:

  • Residency: where and with whom the child will live
  • Contact: when and how they see the other parent
  • Whether a shared care arrangement is appropriate.

Either parent can apply to the court to put an order in place, and guardians or others with parental responsibility may also be able to apply, although certain parties will need permission from the court before they can apply for a Child Arrangements Order.

You may also need to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before the family court will consider a Child Arrangements Order. A MIAM is an opportunity to resolve the issue without involving the court, and can help the parties in a divorce to reach an informal resolution. However, if mediation doesn’t work or is not suitable, either parent can apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order.

This will usually result in court hearings where a judge can review evidence from both parties and make a decision on final arrangements. An officer from the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service may conduct safeguarding checks and recommend arrangements based on the child’s welfare. The court makes decisions based on what it believes will be best for the child, including their wishes and feelings, the impact of any changes in circumstances and which parent is most able to meet their practical, emotional and educational needs.

Parents can also apply for a Specific Issue Order to resolve a particular dispute, or a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent the other parent from taking certain actions without permission. This is often used in cases where one parent decides to relocate, or if there is a dispute about schooling.

What does a Child Arrangements Order mean for parental rights?

Unlike an informal agreement, a Child Arrangements Order can be enforced by the court, which gives parents a degree of additional protection and ensures that the agreement remains in place. If one parent breaches the order, the other can apply to the court to enforce it. In response, the court can impose penalties, including warnings, enforcement orders (including unpaid work orders) and the need to pay compensation for financial losses.

While there is a risk in letting the court decide, courts generally support regular, meaningful contact with both parents unless there is clear evidence that such contact would harm the child. Speak to an experienced family law solicitor for guidance on navigating this process, and make sure to keep records of all contact and communication with other parties involved in the divorce to give yourself the best chance of a favourable outcome from any legal process.

About Akwal Ryatt

Akwal Ryatt is the head of Family Law at Tyler Hoffman Solicitors, and is an accomplished Chartered Legal Executive with an extensive career spanning over 28 years. With a compassionate approach, Akwal is characterised by her profound expertise in family law areas including divorce, separations, Child Arrangement Orders, Financial Remedy Orders and more.

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No-Fault Divorce Doesn’t End Everything: Why You Still Need a Financial Consent Order
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No-Fault Divorce Doesn’t End Everything: Why You Still Need a Financial Consent Order

Published on
Sarah Hawkins
Sarah Hawkins
CEO
National Family Mediation (NFM)

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.

When no-fault divorce came into effect in England and Wales in April 2022, it was seen as a much-needed shift toward a more respectful, less confrontational way to end a marriage. And for many couples, it has delivered on that promise—removing blame and encouraging a more constructive path forward.

But here’s the catch: while the legal end of a marriage is now simpler, financial separation is often left unresolved. This misunderstanding can lead to serious complications down the line.

The Common Misconception: Thinking Everything’s Already Settled

With the ability to complete a divorce online in just a few steps, it’s easy to assume that everything—money, property, pensions—is automatically taken care of, especially when the split is amicable.

It’s not.

“A divorce legally ends a marriage, but it doesn’t end the financial relationship between ex-spouses.” – Sarah Hawkins, CEO, NFM

Unless you obtain a court-approved financial consent order, either party can make financial claims in the future—even years after the divorce is finalised.

What Happens Without a Financial Consent Order?

At NFM, we regularly see people return to mediation long after their divorce, unaware that their financial ties were never legally closed. The consequences can be significant:

  • A house purchase falls through when a buyer realises their ex could still have a claim on the equity.
  • Retirement plans are disrupted by surprise claims on pensions
  • Second marriages become legally complicated due to unresolved financial obligations

Without a consent order, your financial past may unexpectedly resurface.

What Is a Financial Consent Order?

A financial consent order is a legal document that formalises the financial arrangements you’ve agreed with your ex. Once approved by a judge, it becomes legally binding and prevents either party from making further financial claims.

You don’t need to go to court in person to get one—but you do need to go through the right process. And while it’s often associated with disputes, it’s just as important when both parties are in full agreement.

Making It Legal: Your Options for Getting a Consent Order

Mediation is often the best starting point, especially for couples who want to avoid unnecessary conflict or legal costs. It helps both parties reach a fair agreement in a calm, structured setting.

Once an agreement is reached, there are several ways to make it legally binding:

  • Do it yourself – If you agree on everything and feel confident managing the paperwork, you can draft your own consent order and apply to the court for approval. Guidance is available on the GOV.UK website.
  • Get legal advice – A solicitor can review or help draft the order to ensure it’s fair and likely to be accepted by the court. Judges can reject a consent order if they suspect one party may have been disadvantaged.
  • Use a solicitor service – At NFM, we offer NFM LegalEyes, a service that connects clients with qualified solicitors who can prepare the consent order – leaving you just needing to submit to Court.

How NFM LegalEyes Works:

  1. You agree on how to divide finances through mediation.
  2. A solicitor drafts the consent order and completes the required paperwork.
  3. You submit the consent order
  4. If the judge finds it fair, the order is granted—and your financial arrangements are legally finalised.

Help with Costs: Legal Aid and the Mediation Voucher Scheme

Worried about costs? Support is available.

  • Legal Aid is still available for family mediation for those who qualify.
  • The government’s Family Mediation Voucher Scheme offers up to £500 toward mediation costs for separating families with children.

These schemes make it easier for families to access professional help early—often avoiding more expensive issues later on.

Why Mediation Still Matters—Even with No-Fault Divorce

Some assume that because no-fault divorce removes the need to assign blame, mediation is less important. The opposite is often true.

Mediation:

  • Encourages calm, cooperative conversations
  • Helps you focus on what’s best for your children
  • Reduces long-term legal and financial risks
  • Leads to more sustainable, tailored agreements

“Most people going through divorce simply want to move on—securely and with dignity. That means more than ending a marriage; it means drawing a clear legal line under the relationship.” – Sarah Hawkins

Final Thoughts: Don’t Leave Loose Ends

No-fault divorce has simplified one part of the process. But it’s just as important to bring financial clarity and closure to your separation.

If you’ve already divorced without a financial consent order, it’s not too late—you can still apply for one. If you’re just starting out, make sure it’s part of your plan.

Ending a marriage should include ending financial ties—formally, fairly, and for good.

About Sarah Hawkins

Sarah Hawkins is the CEO of National Family Mediation (NFM), the largest provider of family mediation services in England and Wales. A passionate advocate for conflict resolution and family wellbeing, Sarah has over 20 years of experience helping families navigate the emotional and legal challenges of separation and divorce.

📍 www.nfm.org.uk | 📧 info@nfm.org.uk | 📱 @FamilyMediationNFM

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Steering Conflict Through the Compass of Mediation
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Steering Conflict Through the Compass of Mediation

Published on
Lucy Adams
Lucy Adams
Senior Associate
Knights

Government-incentivised shifts to non-court dispute resolution have ushered in a new era for families, presenting mediation as a viable option for resolving complex family issues such as divorce. Here, Lucy Adams, a trained family mediator and senior associate at UK top 50 law firm Knights, delves into the evolving nature of mediation, examining how the process has transformed over the past year — from a mere formality to a serious alternative to litigation for resolving disputes.

While it may yet be an extraneous concept for some, at its core, mediation is built on the simplicity of collaboration and conciliation. Unlike the adversarial nature of litigation, where outcomes are imposed by a judge, mediation prioritises dialogue and mutual agreement. With a neutral mediator facilitating and driving discussions, the process of mediation is designed to resolve disputes to the (relative) satisfaction of both parties, helping them reach resolutions tailored to their unique circumstances at a lower cost than full litigation proceedings, and in most cases, with more favourable outcomes for all involved.

Decision-making rests with the participants

The process relies on impartiality, the key distinction between a mediator and a solicitor. While solicitors are hired to advocate for their clients only, mediators focus on guiding both sides to a mutually desired agreement. The process is confidential and designed to empower families, retaining the power of decision-making firmly in their hands rather than surrendering control to a judge. And in fact, numbers show that 69% of cases resolve all or some issues, helping parties avoid court altogether.

The rising waves of mediation

It’s important to note that many with disputes, whether it be marital breakdown or other family issues, the core breakthrough in mediation can be as simple as an apology or gesture of acknowledgment from one individual to another. Mediation is the breeding ground for this to be delivered in an environment that is less stifling than the courts, acknowledging the emotion attached to issues such as divorce.

In recent years, the government has been actively promoting mediation as a means to alleviate the burden on family courts, which has coincided with legislative shifts to ensure Mediation Information & Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) are more than just tick-box exercises. These are the first compulsory step in setting the scene for what we know as non-court dispute resolution (NCDR), a process that mirrors the court process outside its walls.

From here, a mediator will have fairly definitive guidelines that will allow them to assess the idiosyncrasies of varying disputes and set in place suitable processes for mediation to take place.

In helping parties resolve their disputes outside of court, the Ministry of Justice (MoJ) has extended a government-funded voucher scheme, offering up to £500 toward mediation costs, now running until March 2026, as a way to ease financial barriers and make mediation more accessible to a wider audience.

Exploring the many facets of mediation

A voluntary and confidential process, mediation can be tailored on a case-by-case basis. Shuttle mediation, for instance, allows parties to remain in separate rooms while the mediator moves freely to facilitate discussions. This format can similarly be conducted online, providing accessibility for individual circumstances and day-to-day arrangements. t may also be a critical first step for issues like divorce, which can be upsetting to discuss face-to-face, or particularly where children are concerned.

For more complex cases, hybrid mediation, on the other hand, at the advice of the mediator, invites in additional participants, such as solicitors, financial advisors, or even therapists, to ensure agreements are legally sound or financially viable. Child-inclusive mediation also gives children a voice, enabling parents to make decisions that prioritise their well-being, particularly where family units have broken down.

Unlike the black-and-white outcomes of court rulings, mediation explores the nuances of each family’s situation. This creativity often leads to solutions that feel more personal and balanced, with the mediator having the insight to work through the case and consider aspects which may sometimes get overlooked at court.

Mediation benefits

Alongside its flexibility, mediation is considerably more cost-effective than traditional court proceedings, with expenses split equally between parties. Secondly, it is generally faster, often resolving disputes within weeks rather than the months or years litigation can take.

Beyond the practical benefits, mediation fosters a collaborative environment that helps preserve relationships, particularly when children are involved. By addressing both immediate concerns and long-term goals, mediation lays the groundwork for better outcomes and reduces the likelihood of future conflicts.

Mediation is particularly effective in disputes involving complex family dynamics, such as disagreements over finances, business assets, or pensions. It creates a space to address not only critical matters but also subtler emotional issues that might otherwise be overlooked in court. However, it may not be suitable for every situation, predominantly those involving severe domestic abuse, abduction, or bankruptcy, for example, which may require alternative interventions.

The hopes of a new treaty defining the future of mediation

The future of mediation is looking bright. Recent updates to family procedure rules now require courts to demand explanations for why mediation wasn’t pursued before litigation. This shift reflects a broader recognition of mediation’s effectiveness.

New methods such as hybrid mediation are likely to take the helm in addressing rather more complex cases, balancing out the flexibility of mediation with the expertise of legal and financial professionals. As stereotypes around mediation versus court litigation continue to diffuse, the potential of the former to transform how couples and families navigate dispute rises, thus helping individuals move through divorce in a legal, sensitive, and balanced manner.

About Lucy Adams

Lucy is a Senior Associate solicitor in the Family team. Lucy is also a trained Family Mediator.

Lucy is renowned for her expertise in both financial matters and child law.

Lucy has obtained the Law Society Advanced Accreditation in complex financial settlement and children cases. Lucy is also a Member of Resolution and committed to the constructive resolution of family disputes.

With over 15 years’ experience in family law, Lucy can support clients with the resolution of their divorce and on related financial issues including pensions, businesses, and pre-acquired marital wealth. She also supports cohabiting couples, who need help to resolve a dispute following their separation.

As a trained family Mediator, Lucy can offer a bespoke mediation service to assist in any children or financial disputes. The sessions can either be remote or face to face at one of our 23 national office locations in the UK. Mediation is a means of resolving disputes in an amicable, non-confrontational manner that meets the needs of both participants. Mediation can often be a quicker, more amicable, and less stressful process than the more traditional route at resolving disputes, such as going to court. Lucy is registered with the Family Mediation Association.

About Knights

Knights is one of the fastest-growing legal services businesses in the UK, delivering high-quality services to more than 10,000 business clients from 26 offices nationwide.

Knights is ranked within the top 50 UK law firms by revenue – with specialists in all key areas of corporate, real estate and commercial law. Its extensive expertise is consistently strengthened through its acquisitions and the recruitment of high-calibre talented professionals.

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Family Mediation Week: All the Ways Mediation Can Help During Divorce

Published on
Gayle Rowley
Gayle Rowley
Partner, Solicitor & Mediator
Nelsons Solicitors

This Family Mediation Week (27th Jan – 31 Jan), partner and specialist family lawyer Gayle Rowley is discussing why mediation has become such a popular choice and the benefits it can bring to separating couples.

Although mediation has been around for years, with celebrities such as Tom Cruise, Britney Spears, Jude Law, and Adele all having opted for mediation to resolve their marital disputes, in recent years there has been a rise in using this option to preserve relationships between couples and their wider families.

Gayle, who last year received a full accreditation with the Family Mediation Council, recognising her specific training and commitment to this area of non-Court dispute resolution (NCDR), said: “Every January marks the renewal of discussion around divorce day, with headlines citing ‘the surge in marriage breakdowns’ or ‘the top reason for splitting up’. Headlines like these don’t always tell the whole story, and it’s important to focus on how divorce and separation can be handled in a more positive way.

“Mediation offers divorcing couples a chance for a win-win resolution that involves spending less time and money – allowing them to feel truly empowered in their decisions.

“We have seen an influx of mediation enquiries recently and mediation has certainly become more popular and a way to avoid costly and stressful court proceedings in the right circumstances.”

Family Mediation Week aims to raise awareness of the benefits of mediation and encourage separating couples to think of mediation as a way of helping them to take control, make decisions together and build a positive future for their family.

Mediation allows more open and honest discussions, as proposals put forward during sessions cannot be revealed in Court.

For many, mediation is often recommended when children are involved, to ensure couples are prioritising the wellbeing of their children during this time.

Gayle added: “Mediation is better for children. The process can be significantly less traumatic than for couples who end up in court as it promotes better communication and reduces conflict, while prioritising what is best for the whole family. It also helps avoid larger legal bills, which will be vitally important for most families.

“Courts are still exceptionally busy. Clients can expect a divorce and financial proceedings to take anything from six months to 18 months or more, whereas mediation can help to bring a resolution in as little as a few months.

“Perhaps most importantly, mediation puts the control into the clients’ hands. Going down the litigation route eventually leads to a decision from a judge, meaning one or in fact both parties may end up with an outcome that they do not want, having spent a considerable amount in legal fees.”

About Gayle Rowley

Gayle is a Partner, Solicitor and FMC Accredited Mediator at Nelsons Solicitors. She qualified as a Solicitor in 1997 and worked in our team from 2001 to 2013, and then re-joined the team in December 2020, following our acquisition of Glynis Wright & Co.

Gayle specialises in family law, advising and mediating divorce and separation cases, often involving complex financial settlements. Gayle also advises and mediates in relation to private children law matters, including the resolution of children arrangements, parental responsibility and specific issue orders, and prohibited steps orders

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Grandparents' Rights: What Happens When Your Grandchildren's Parents Divorce?
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Grandparents’ Rights: What Happens When Your Grandchildren’s Parents Divorce?

Published on
Rina Mistry
Rina Mistry
Senior Associate & Solicitor
Nelsons Solicitors

When two parents decide to divorce, there is of course a ripple effect on other members of the family, including children and grandparents. Rina Mistry, senior associate specialising in family law at leading East Midlands law firm Nelsons discusses the legal rights of grandparents, and the challenges that can come up during a parental divorce.

Grandparents play an important role in their grandchildren’s lives – they often act as secondary guardians, they may be involved in special occasions like birthdays and family events, and they can be a link to a grandchild’s traditional culture or religion.

Separation and divorce in any family is an unsettling and uncertain time, with potentially new living arrangements and changes to routines for children and other relatives.

There is often an assumption that grandparents have automatic rights to see their grandchildren, when unfortunately, this is not the case. The law does not give grandparents (maternal or paternal) any automatic rights to be in their grandchild’s lives. This means that if parents choose to keep their children away from grandparents, they are free to do so. This can have a significant impact on the grandparent-grandchild relationship.

Challenges

Grandparents may face a number of hurdles when navigating their grandchildren’s parents’ divorce. Communication may become more challenging, particularly between ex-spouses, which can make it hard to keep contact with grandchildren – especially those that are very young.

In more serious situations, there can be the issue of parental alienation – usually this happens when one parent intentionally tries to damage the relationship between the other parent and the children by speaking badly about them or enforcing negative views. This can also happen with grandparents, which can be traumatic for grandchildren who may have had a close bond previously.

Talking it out

Despite not having automatic rights, grandparents still have options available to them. The first and usually the most effective is to try resolving all issues between the adults, whether it is directly or via the mediation process.

The situation can vary from case to case; it may be that the relationship between the adults has broken down or the grandparents are concerned for the children, and in an attempt to intervene they are denied any further time with the grandchild.

If legal advice is needed, grandparents will always be asked whether or not they have attempted to speak with the parents of the child to try and resolve the issues and further consideration will be applied as to whether correspondence from solicitors may assist to resolve the issues amicably.

If an agreement cannot be reached and a referral to mediation has not yet been made, this will be the next step. Mediation is not only a better option to try and resolve the issues but also far more cost-effective than making an application to Court. Compulsory attendance will be needed at a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM). There are exemptions available, for example if the grandchild is at significant risk of harm, but in most cases, the Court will expect grandparents to attempt to resolve issues through mediation. 

Court application

If mediation is considered inappropriate or is refused by the other party, then the only available option is making a formal application to Court to resolve the child arrangements. This is the last option most solicitors would advise, however, this may be the only available option if all else has failed.

As grandparents hold no parental responsibility, they will need to first ask the Court for permission before being able to make an application for a Child Arrangements Order. If the Court grants permission, then a formal application for a Child Arrangements Order can proceed. However, if the Court does not grant permission, progress would go no further.

Like all applications, the Court will consider each matter individually but must take into account the following:

  • The nature of the application
  • The applicant’s connection with the child
  • Any risk of the proposed application disrupting the child’s life to the extent that they would be harmed by it.

If Court is the only option available, then it is highly recommended that you seek independent legal advice regarding your position and next steps.

Maintaining relationships

Whatever course of action is taken, respectful communication is highly encouraged throughout the process between not only parents but all family members. Not only does this support a more efficient process, but it limits the emotional impact on children and paves the way for better relationships in the future.

Grandparents should take the same approach to not speak negatively about either parent in front of their grandchildren and instead look to focus on their best interests and ensuring they feel cared for and supported.

For more information on grandparents’ rights during a parental divorce, please contact the expert family law team at Nelsons, by visiting www.nelsonslaw.co.uk/personal-legal-services/family-law-solicitors/children-law

About Rina Mistry

Rina Mistry is a Senior Associate in Nelsons’ expert Family Law team, specialising in complex Private Children Law and focusing on several niche areas. These include parental alienation, cross-border jurisdictional disputes, and cases involving serious allegations of harm. She also handles matters related to internal and external relocation, whether temporary or permanent and international child abduction. Additionally, Rina is experienced in private children matters where a child or parent is neurodiverse, surrogacy, applications on behalf of grandparents, and same-sex parenting cases.

Rina takes a client-focussed approach and aims to achieve the best possible outcome for all her clients, considering and tailoring her advice to each individual set of circumstances, whilst always ensuring that the children’s best interests remain at the forefront.  Rina can support her clients in direct negotiations concerning arrangements, issuing a Court application or using alternative dispute resolution, such as mediation or arbitration.

Alongside children-related matters, Rina is also experienced in advising on all matters arising out of divorce and separation.

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Doing it For the Kids: Co-Parenting Strategies For the New Year
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Doing it For the Kids: Co-Parenting Strategies For the New Year

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Emma Alfieri - Co-Parenting
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Following separation, often parents start the arrangements for their shared children without much of a plan whilst the family settle into their new situation.  Sometimes parents might adjust the arrangements over time until they can settle into a routine that suits the family.

Sadly, and often where there is poor communication and the co-parenting relationship is not a strong one, the arrangements later breakdown.

Cafcass, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service say that if children experience poor inter-parental relations or do not know when they are next seeing the other parent, they are more likely to worry, especially if there are long gaps between visits without an explanation.  Therefore, it is important for separated parents to always put the children’s needs first, despite any differences with their former partner.

As a family lawyer, I am often approached by separated parents who seek to regulate the arrangements between them and the other parent.  Before considering Court intervention, there are a number of tools available that can help separated parents to co-parent more effectively:

  • A Parenting Plan – Parents can work together and formulate a Parenting Plan, which is a plan negotiated and agreed between the parents setting out what the arrangements for the child / children will be. For a free Parenting Plan template, visit: www.planningtogether.cafcass.gov.uk/plan
  • Parenting App – Where there is conflict between parents, and they struggle to communicate, a Parenting App should be considered. There are many free and paid Parenting Apps available, and the idea is that the App is used by the parents for discussion about the children only, and it can include things like calendars, ability to make audio and video calls, share expenses, make payments and maintain a secure text communication with the other parent.   Feedback from parents who have tried this have reported that limiting communication to an App has been helpful.
  • A parenting course. Attended alone or together, a parenting course can be a useful way for parents to gain insight about positive co-parenting and the benefits to the child / children. The courses usually consider how parents can effectively communicate and work together with the other parent to agree co-parenting arrangements without the need for Court intervention.
  • Mediation – If separated parents cannot agree the arrangements for the child / children, then they should consider Family Mediation. This is a process in which an independent professional trained Mediator helps the parents work out the arrangements for the children. The Mediator will help to try and find a solution which works for both parents.  The process is less stressful and significantly quicker than going to Court, and Mediators work with separating parents in ways that are flexible.  If separated parents do not want to be in the same space, then often remote Mediation sessions can take place.
  • Child Inclusive Mediation – This is a structured process which is suitable for older children where a qualified family mediator speaks to the child / children to ascertain their wishes and feelings. Where the children give permission, these wishes and feelings are then shared by the mediator with the parents in a separate feedback meeting. The parents can then use this information to agree the child arrangements moving forwards.

Conclusion

The risk to a deterioration in the child / children’s emotional wellbeing and mental health increases significantly where separated parents have a high level of conflict between them.  Therefore, separated parents are encouraged to consider how they can try and work together and communicate.

Remember that as children get older, often their needs will change. Therefore, when arrangements for children are made when children are very young, sometimes those arrangements could have a limited shelf life and later need to be reviewed – another reason to try and remain amicable with the other parent, where possible.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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Growing Up in Conflict: A Child’s Perspective on Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

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Despina Mavridou
Despina Mavridou
Author, Mediator, Lawyer

Introducing the latest transcript blog featuring a powerful interview with Despina Mavridou, an author, mediator, and lawyer, who brings a unique perspective as a child of divorce in a high-conflict environment. In this revealing conversation, Despina shares her personal experiences and the challenges of being caught in the middle between two parents, navigating feelings of guilt, loyalty, and reconciliation.

Join us as we delve into Despina’s insights on the emotional impact of divorce on children, the complexities of parent-child relationships during separation, and her journey towards healing and understanding.

Read on for the full transcript of our interview, “Growing Up in Conflict: A Child’s Perspective on Divorce.”

[Music]

Okay, welcome everybody um, to another one of our interviews here on the divorcemagazine.co.uk. Um, if you haven’t seen our website please go there, there’s so much information on the website, all to do with divorce and separation. And all our articles let’s say the, the majority of them are actually written by um, divorce professionals. The ones that are not written by divorce professionals, that means divorce coaches, psychologist, lawyers, family mediators, anybody who’s trained to work in the world of divorce, um, the ones that are not written by them are written by people who are telling us about their personal experiences of divorce.

So if you have any questions, if you’re just starting off, if you’re, in the middle of it and you have any questions, head off to The Divorce Magazine, and you will find the answers. If you don’t find the answers email me, and I will find the answer for you and I will publish it so other people can get to know about it.

So thank you so much for joining us today um, we have Despina Mavridou who is with us and it’s, going to be kind of a different, hi Despina, kind of a different um, interview because, I don’t think we have had somebody come on The Divorce Magazine and talk about their own experiences of divorce as a child. We’ve had many professionals but um, you know, you’re a divorce professional and today you’re coming wearing a different hat, which is that of a, a child or an adult? No it’s fine, is that all right?

Okay, so today we have Despina, Despina Mavridou, who is an author, a mediator, and a lawyer in Greece. She has experienced the negative effects of divorce um, when she was the age of 10 when her parents decided to separate. For many years she was in the middle of the fights between her parents, and approximately I think the age of 17, she decided that she didn’t want to see her dad anymore, and she will tell us a little bit more about that decision and how it came about. And this decision lasted for about 20 years um, but you have since reunited with your dad which you can tell us about also how it came about, I think that would be really helpful.

And then after many years of working as a lawyer, in the last four years she discovered mediation and she went into it and um, and she also discovered her passion for writing. This passion for writing led her to write her, to write her first book which is called “Mom, Dad C Can you Hear Me?” and it’s based partially on her own personal story. Despina wanted to share certain things also with her parents so that they can see what it was like for her and the feelings that she had when they were going through divorce. So working as a family mediator, in family dispute issues, she has seen how difficult it is for parents to actually step in the children’s shoes, and see the whole process of divorce from their perspective. So let’s see how we get on today and um, I’m sure and not I’m sure, I really hope that there are going to be lots of parents watching this video so that they can hear it from the child’s perspective um, what it was like to, to be in that situation of divorce with your parents.

So welcome Despina, hi thank you, and I’m really glad that I’m here with you, thank you so much, I’m, I’m I was really happy when you said about coming in to talk about this particular um, subject because as I said we don’t, we haven’t had it on The Divorce Magazine so yeah, a huge welcome to you, thank you for reaching out, okay, thank you for having me.

How old were you when your parents got divorced?

So if I can start just by asking you how old you are when your parents um, decided to divorce? Yes I, I was around 10 when all the fights started actually and then they divorce, they divorced after one, or one, or two years after they start fighting, okay, and, yes um, at the beginning I mean, I didn’t understand when they were fighting, I didn’t realise that they will go for a divorce, I didn’t even know what it means.

I didn’t, I, I wasn’t familiar with what divorce means and all this, I just uh, I knew that they were fighting, there were a lot of fights, almost every day at home the situation was not easy, and at some point they called me and they announced to me the divorce, only to me because I also have a sister who, who is seven years younger than me, so they announced that they divorce only to me, not to my sister. Right, okay. And uh, to be honest I don’t really remember the discussion what they said, I don’t remember anything about this, yeah, but I clearly remember the day that I came back from school and my, my dad was packing his things and he left. This is what I remember from that period. The, this, is the memory that remained in my mind and I still have it today, that when I was coming back from school, uh, he was packing everything to his car, and then library was empty from his books and everything, and this was really strange. It was, it brought me a lot of sadness, even now when I’m thinking about it makes me feel a bit sad because it was a little bit, I was feeling a little bit terrified, my mom was really, really sad, and I didn’t know what to do.

I was feeling really trapped, if I can say it, sad, trapped and uh, helpless, and very insecure, very insecure. Yeah, and because I had a really good relationship with him because you know, sometimes the balance at home are different when during a marriage maybe the kids are more, you know, the dad is the good guy, the mom is the one that has to, you have to do the homework with the children, and she has to put all to, to have the boundaries and everything, so this was the, the relationship that I had with him, he was the more calm the, the good cop, he was the good cop, and my mom was the bad cop. So when the good cop leaves the home, and you are left with a bad cop, yeah, you feel, you don’t know how the things will go. Yeah. You feel you feel really alone. Yeah. listening to you say you know relate that story of coming home, and um, finding your dad packing his stuff, and I’m thinking how confusing! I feel now and I wasn’t even there and I’m an adult, you know just arriving and seeing everything changing, within, you know, it sounds like it happened so fast, everything just, yes, yes, because actually they announced the divorce the day before, I mean I don’t remember exactly the, how many days passed, but I remember that they told me about the divorce and then, after one day, two days, I don’t remember but it was a really short period of time, that my dad left home.

It happened immediately, after they announce it, yeah, and then the next memory that I have it was the Christmas, because I really don’t, I think that it wasn’t, he didn’t left at that period, he left one or two, maybe three months before, but I remember the first holidays that they were really, really difficult for me, and for all the family, and for my mom because my mom was really sad, she was crying very often, she was working a lot also and we were, we, yes it was my grandmother, we were staying with my grandmother and uh, I remember that, that holidays were really difficult for us. For me and my sister also, yeah, yeah.

Did anyone take the time to consider how you were feeling after the divorce announcement, or did life just move on for them?

Once your dad left, did anybody explain to you what happened? Do you know why they divorced? Did you have anybody looking after your feelings? Asking how, you know, or did just go on? I, from what I remember, I think that life just go on, and what I recall now is that everybody was telling me that I have to take care of my mom because she’s really sad, and she feels very, very sad, and I have to help her, uh, actually because in the story there, there was also a third person in the story.

I mean dad left for another woman, so he was the bad guy, yeah, and uh, yeah, and it was hard for my mom and as a woman, I can understand that. But what is really different it’s for the kids cannot understand these things, they cannot understand anything about this third person and it’s completely, I mean, they, they care only about their mom and their dad, if another person comes and they, if you say bad things about this person, this person will be the bad, the bad person. If you say good things or not if you are neutral, they will accept it in the way that you talk about it, I mean it’s completely how the adults will handle it, this is how the kids will accept it, or not.

So you had to look up. Yes, what I remember is that everybody was telling me that I have to look after my mom, and my little sister also, and this was a lot. It was a lot of burden because I, I knew that my mom was, wasn’t feeling good, I was trying to make her feel better, and uh, I, and then when they actually, then they start putting me in the middle because I had to, we had to, we scheduled, we had the program that we had to see my dad for two days, I mean every week I think I don’t remember exactly how it was, but what I remember very, very well, was the fact that I had to transfer messages. Okay. I had to for, for example my mom was telling me you have to say this, this, this, this, and when I was transferring these messages, my dad was telling me uh, tell her this, this, this, this, this. And I was trying to change these messages, and make them a little bit softer, because if I was transferring the exact same words, I knew that they will start fighting.

This is I’m, I’m listening to you speaking, and I’m just think, and how old were you, were you? This started from uh, 11, from 11, 12, something like that. So not only are you being, the messenger, no, the, these messages I remember them very well from the age of 13 to be completely honest, I, from the age of, because I have the memories, some things I don’t remember them very well but, from the age of 13 I remember that I had to transfer messages, up to the age of 17. These were going on and on, for. You’re transferring the messages, but you also have to, change the message and make it nicer so you, I was trying to them, yes, you can look after, you can look after the situation, you can look after Mom, you can look after Dad, you can look after your sister.

Yes, and also because you know, when you transfer the message in exactly what the, how the other person was saying it, it’s like when you are the mediator. You will hear also the reaction, the other person will not know anything about this reaction, you are the, the person that will receive the reaction, the anger, most probably the anger, because exact there will be a lot of anger at the moment that you will transfer the message. So I knew that if I say this back to my mom for example, I knew that her reaction would be really hard, and I didn’t want to hear this, and I didn’t want her to say for example, oh and why, you didn’t answer back, and you, why you didn’t fight back, and say this, this, this, and that, so I was softening the messages, to change a bit the situation and not to have to hear also that why you didn’t defend me. And all this while you’re a child? Yeah, yeah.

At what point did you tell your parents to stop passing messages through you?

At what point did you say stop, I’m not doing this anymore? At 17 and I didn’t say stop, because I was afraid to say stop, uh, I don’t know why I was afraid to say stop, but I never said stop I don’t like this, I only said that I don’t want to see my dad anymore, also because he was the bad guy, he was the bad guy, and I had to take care of my mom, and he broke the marriage, and he, had he brought a third person in the marriage, so I had to try to defend my mom, and I think these are all the reasons why I never said to my mom stop I don’t want to do this anymore. Because I was feeling guilty, and I was feeling also responsible.

You were feeling responsible? I was feeling responsible because I didn’t, I want to defend her, and I was also because I knew that I am like my dad because I knew from a young age that I am more similar to my dad, that I was afraid and I didn’t want to do the same things to her as my dad, so I was trying to, to be different. It’s a lot. It’s a lot, it’s almost like being therapist, being family therapist, being individual therapy to therapist to your mom, looking after your sister, but all this is not just the physical looking after but, very much the emotional and mental health, of looking after the everybody in the house.

What I understand now as adult, is that I try to block all my emotions, I wasn’t feeling anything, I, for years, I couldn’t, I couldn’t even cry, and I never discussed it also with my friends, my best friend of course he understood what happened, but I never told her after. Many years I told her that my parents got a divorce. I was trying to hide it.

Why didn’t you tell your friend about your parents’ divorce?

Can I ask why you didn’t tell her or why you were trying to hide it? I think that for that time in Greece divorce was something very, you know, they were pointing the finger on you if your parents were, it’s not some, it wasn’t something so common as it is in these days, and I was feeling also a little bit embarrassed also when we were going out, I was looking with my dad, I was looking, you know, if we were going to a restaurant for example, I was looking around the other families that they were all mom, dad, and kids and I was afraid, and I was feeling that everybody is watching us, and they see that the mom is missing, so that something is wrong here.

And then you would feel embarrassed? Embarrassed yes, I was feeling embarrassed. No wonder you didn’t have space to deal with your own emotions, you were dealing with everything else, you there was no room for you to, to do, yeah.

Did anybody take care of you during this process?

Did anybody look after you? I think nobody, yeah, because everybody was a bit shocked with this, with the divorce, and they were trying to handle it, for example also for my grandmother was something really hard for her, and she was feeling really sad, for her daughter and for, I don’t know maybe, she took it also personally due to the third person. And um, well everybody was trying to tell me that my dad is a bad guy, and you have to take care of your mom, and nobody actually, well they were asking me if I am okay, but I, I, I had to be the strong person to take care of my mom so when you ask me, when you say all this, and then you ask me how, how am I, I think that you can’t expect me to open up and speak.

It’s true and also you’re going, what if you open up then who’s going to contain those feelings, who’s going to take them, and look and if even if I missed my mum, my dad I was, it was really hard for me to express this and talk about it because he was a bad guy, how I could miss a, a person that betrayed my mom. Yeah, yeah. You said something earlier on Despina you said, there was, the third person, but, you will go along with whatever is said about this other person, so if they, say the person is bad and everything then, you, you’re a child you just go along with that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that this is, and it’s the, that’s why I think it’s a very delicate subject the, the third person and the betrayal generally and I understand as a woman I understand how hard it was for my mom, yeah, and, but on the other hand, for example for me, even at this age, that now I am 42 years old, I still don’t have a relationship with my, with this person.

Because my dad is married to this person, now and he also has a child, yeah, oh I see, even now because of all the things that I heard in the past because all of this hate, and all the anger, and all this discussion about this person, even now, I, I don’t have the courage to meet this person and talk with her, because I feel that I’m betraying my mom if I do it. And if if you did do that today, do you think you would actually be betraying her, do you think that she, she would I’m feeling, yes that she will feel she will feel bad, she will feel that I’m hurting her if I do this. What about the child in the, well I would like to meet him one day, this you, haven’t met him either? No. How old is he? I think it’s 20, he’s 20,wow, what, what.

The picture I’m getting is just how deep, this has run, it wasn’t just temporary, it has run it, almost like permanent scar, and cut that hasn’t completely healed. Yeah, and I think that this, you know, doesn’t help you to have a good balance, because uh, I mean for the, it’s good to have a blended family, I feel like it’s good to have, you have more people in your life, and they probably can, you can have also a good relationship. Yeah.

But that’s why I, I think that it’s important how you talk to kids about the third person in the life of one of the parent, if this happens, and that’s why I feel that it has to be completely different because I understand how hard it was for my mom, as a woman I completely under, I 100% understand her, and most probably, I would have done the same thing as a woman. But as a kid, when you lose, it’s completely different for the kid because for the kid it’s the dad, you can’t say for to the kid that your dad is a bad guy, because the kid knows firstly that maybe he has same characteristic to this person, and it’s one of the two fundamental people in his or her life in the child’s life, yeah, yeah. If you say that this person is a bad person because he broke the marriage, because he brought a third, he met a third person, and he betrayed his um, his woman and everything they the kid maybe feels also that something, is something wrong with, with the kid also, I mean I was feeling that something was wrong with me, that I don’t have a good character, that maybe I will do the same thing when I will grow up.

Wow I see, so you’re saying because, correct me if I’m wrong, so you’re saying as a child, you know, this is Mommy, this is Daddy. So I love this person, I love that person. I’m part this person, I’m part that person, these are my parents, so if you’re told one parent is a bad parent, then, you start thinking am I also bad because I’m part this person. I’m part, I mean, I have half the DNA, of this person, so whatever you say about this person the kid will feel like it maybe, it’s also they, they, they make it a. They introject, they take, yes, yes, yes, that’s really important and I wish, I wish parents could hear that because, I’ve worked a lot with parents who are going through divorce, and um, both as a family mediator, which I used to do before, and then as a psychologist, where parents are going through divorce and they’re struggling with a divorce. And this part that you’re saying about how you speak about the other parent, actually can affect the child not just in terms of the relationship with that parent, but personal, how they view themselves. Yeah.

When you decided you didn’t want to see your dad anymore, was that a way to protect yourself?

When you decided you don’t want to see your dad anymore, from what you’re saying, I’m beginning, I’m seeing it like it was a way for you to protect yourself, and, I was trying to protect myself to, I was trying to find the solution to this situation where I wasn’t in the middle. Yeah, yeah.

And this lasted for 20 years? Yes, because after that I, I knew that uh, if I start having a relationship with him, I will have exact the exact same problems, and actually after I went to therapy, and I worked a lot with myself, and I realised certain things, and I had the courage to admit to myself that if I don’t recreate a relationship with my dad, I will always have an emptiness in me. Uh, the after that I started realising that yes, I have to have a relationship and I have to meet him again, and I felt really good with myself when I start to have again a relationship with him. But I’m still afraid, and I said to my mom that I will do that, I will have a relationship with him but I don’t want you to ask me how he is and what he’s doing. I don’t want you to know anything about that, I mean, I’m still afraid of being in the middle, yeah, even if I have worked a lot with myself, yeah, and you’re an adult you know still the fear still continues, so you, because you know the trauma creates a fear and the fear is always there and it comes up even when you don’t expect it and even if you feel an adult, you know I have my own family now, I have a kid, I am an adult still if my mom ask me how is your dad I will feel afraid to answer that question. Yeah, yeah, and does she ask you? No, no, no. You put the boundaries and, and that’s it.

When you broke contact with your dad, did he try to speak to you or visit you?

When you stopped seeing your dad did he try to reach out, try to see you, call you? He tried, he tried sometimes even if my sister feel that he had to try more, and sometimes I think about it also, but I feel that it was like a punishment for him because he was trying, he was calling, but we never answered. Okay, I, I have thought that maybe he could try harder, yeah, but um, to be honest I don’t know how difficult it was for him also. Okay. To continue pushing the same wall. Okay, there you go, already thinking about him and yeah, you know falling into the, it’s in the kid nature to think about the, and to be honest I always think and I say this, that they say in Greece that the parents are sacrifice many things for their kids but I believe the opposite.

I believe that kids sacrifice more for their parents, kids can sacrifice their own personality for their parents. Like you did? Like I did and generally I can see this many times for the kids, kids trying to protect their parents, even when they, even in the parental alienation when they don’t talk to their parents, sometimes there is another reason that has nothing to do with the other parent that they are not talking to them, and they still feel guilty for not doing it. Yeah, okay, okay.

What would you say to a dad who thinks they have tried their best for their children?

I have a question about that um, when you said he could have tried harder. Because one of the things that I found especially, most of my clients have been fathers, um, and the fathers who have been asked you need to take a parenting course so you can start seeing your children again for, for whatever reasons, and some of these fathers who have been asked by the court to take their parenting course, have been one of the mo, some of the most fantastic fathers I have met, so really good Dads, and they’re so keen to seeing their children. But sometimes I have had fathers who will say, but I have tried calling and they’re not picking up, I’ve sent messages they’re not picking up, what else do you want me to do?

What would you say to a dad who’s who thinks that he’s done the most, what, what more can they do? Well for me they have to still keep trying, yeah, with calls and messages not something else but they have to keep trying, yeah, yeah however much they find it difficult just to keep trying consistently, yeah, they find it difficult because maybe it hurts them personally, maybe it makes them feel bad, I can understand how hard it is, but the child, but you have to keep trying, you have to trying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the only evidence that you have later, to show them that you fight for them, you try to fight for them, yeah. I have a very, very close friend of mine who did that, who fought for his daughter for, years and years, and by the time they reconciled I think when she turned maybe 18/ 19, she got in touch with him, and uh, and now they see each other and you know, nice relationship, but like you say there’s the evidence he could show her, everything he had tried, going through the courts, um, trying to find like a, contact centre where they would meet everything he had like a big, you know, folder to show this is what I’ve done and I think in the background, she probably, as she was growing up she could see and she could hear and then when she was free, then she got in touch with him and she appreciated that he kept trying, but the children have no power.

 

They have no, no, no, exactly and this is also something that I’m also try to say it often to the parents but, that the kid does doesn’t have the ability and the freedom to open the door and leave the house, the kid has to stay, has to stay with one of the parent because they cannot survive if they open the door. That’s why for the kids it’s completely different, they have to survive between two people that they don’t want to see each other and they have also the possibility not to be together anymore, the kid cannot say that I will divorce my parent, you can divorce the partner but you can, you cannot divorce the parent. So that’s why it’s completely different for the kid and nobody hears the divorce through the eyes of a kid. Also the kids have a story of divorce, but it doesn’t going, nobody hurts about it. Yeah, I like that the kids also have the story of the divorce but nobody is hearing it. Yeah.

When you decided not to see your dad anymore, was it painful or was it survival?

When you decide decided not to see your dad, was there, was there, it sounds like a silly question but was it painful was it or was it just survival? No, at the moment it wasn’t painful because it was, I was in survival mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, but when I grow up and I start working with myself I, for a years I was trying to hide all the emotions, and then I, it was also hard for me to admit that yes I miss him and, and I want to have a relationship with him and I was doing it for me because you never feel complete if you don’t have a relationship, even a bad one, with one of the, with your both parents, both parents. Yeah, yeah.

What advice would you give to parents who have not yet told their children about the divorce?

Despina what would you say to parents who are going through divorce, now, in terms of I’ll break it down in two: What did you say to parents who are listening to this and who have not yet told their children about the divorce? What advice would you give them in terms of telling the children and how to manage it from there? Well for me the announcement is not as important as how you will handle it after that, because many times they announce everything and everything looks perfect and after that it’s, it’s completely different. So for me, the most important is to start therapy first, to work with your emotions, a little bit, and then to announce it to the kids, and to be ready to handle and then to be so to be ready to handle the parenting plan, because if you cannot handle your emotion, you can never sit down and create a parenting plan and be ready to talk about the kid’s needs. Okay.

In this situation you know so where there’s let’s say a third person like in your situation and everything happens really fast, and maybe one parent says oh my gosh you’re having an affair that’s it I’m done you’re out, right, they don’t have time to go for therapy and to plan it out it, happens so fast. So if, if and I completely agree with you that the announcing of the divorce is a big deal but what is an even bigger deal. is how the divorce is managed because that can end up being this, the main trauma for the child not even that, that.

How would you suggest that parents handle the divorce to make it as child centred as possible?

So how would you suggest that parents handle it, once the announcement has been done, after that to make it as child centred as possible? For me as soon as you start therapy again, also for in this situation even if it starts really the things happens really fast, you still can as fast as the things evolve, you can start the therapy, because otherwise in a, in a month, the things will go really bad, and for the kid will be really hard to handle, but not only one both of them they have to go. This is the problem, yeah. Also especially the person that was betrayed and uh, so that the other parent had an affair, this is the person especially that has to go to the therapist, right, okay.

And the children, and therapy, or you think if the parents? No I think that if the parents go, the kids will be fine. Yeah, I, I agree with that, I agree with that. Yeah, because then they learn how to look up, they know how to explain the things, yes, and they will divide their emotions from the kids, yeah, yeah, and they will be maybe they will be able to see how hard it is for the kids. Yeah, okay.

Should parents tell the school or teacher about their divorce?

Another question is um, with regards to school, do they tell the teachers, do they tell school that we’re going through divorce, or do they keep quiet about it? I mean, what, what would your view be on that, I know I have my view on it but, to be honest to, to be honest I was feeling embarrassed, I didn’t want for my professions, for my teachers to know about the divorce.

But I think that the, the teacher should know about it, so as to handle it in a more delicate way, and if they see a strange behaviour, to be able to help, yeah, and to be able to know why this strange behaviour is here, otherwise if they don’t know, and the child starts changing their behaviour, they’re not concentrating, they’re playing out, and they’re like what’s wrong with this child, yeah, but as soon as they know ah, there’s something happening at home then they’re able, and also children reach an age where they spend more time at school than they do at home, yeah. So you know.

And maybe if they have a good relationship with the teacher maybe they can discuss about it, but it’s good, and the teacher should never go to the child and say that I know about that, yeah, it’s the kid that has to go to the teacher and confess this. Tell the teacher yeah and, and, um.

How did you get back in contact with your dad?

How did you get back with your dad? I just called him once and I, told him that I, how are you? What are you doing? I was afraid to do the call, but after that I felt really good with the, with myself, yeah, therapy helped me to take the step, and do it, yeah, it could not have been easy but I’m glad that you did it because I imagine that I, I always, I often say that if you have that question shall I get in touch? Shall I not get in touch? Then get in touch I would say, because if you are absolutely sure that you didn’t want to get in touch, then you wouldn’t have the question, you know, the back of your mind should I get in touch, just get in touch and then, see what happens from there, and then you don’t ever have to have the question again.

Yes, yes, I completely agree with this. Yeah, yeah.

Does your daughter see your father?

So is your, I know you mentioned that you have a little daughter, so is your daughter seeing your dad? Do they. Well uh, we have a, trying he, he cannot walk he had an operation, okay, and he, he doesn’t want to see her right now because he has some difficult problems with his health he has some issues but uh, I mean, I am sending her, sending him photos and I hope that one time he will meet her. Yeah, yeah so it’s kind of like slowly building up you know yes, yes, yeah, okay, all right.
Um, so your book Despina, yeah, where can we get it? Uh, on Amazon, it’s in English and also in uh, Portuguese, okay, you can find it also in Portuguese, yes, they are both on Amazon, and in Portuguese is also available from [unclear] okay, all right, and I have also created a diary, that goes with the book that you can find it also on Amazon, only because I think that it’s really good for the kids to write their emotion at least, if they don’t have anyone to confess and to talk, they can write for themselves certain things or certain thoughts. Okay, oh, that’s so, the, the diary is for the children, children yes, it’s also, okay, so it’s, it’s separate from the book? It’s separate from the book yes, they can, you can buy it or not, but the independently from the diary if the kids don’t have someone to confess and to talk, it’s good if you help them to write down their thoughts, and I think, even if they have somebody to, to talk to and somebody still wants to, you know to, to write things down for themselves because writing can be very helpful, to process you know um, what we’re going going through.

And what’s the title of your diary? What’s the diary, the, it’s just the diary, the diary and it’s under my name, yeah, that’s, okay, all right. One last thing I would like to say now that we were talking about the diary, because for the kids it’s very, it’s very important when you are with a kid, to let them free to express all their emotions for the other parent. I mean even if they say that they had a good time, be happy, try to be happy for them, yeah, if they get a present that you don’t like, yes, from the other parent, and you don’t agree with this present, or you think that it’s really cheap, try not, to, it’s important not to say anything. Yeah, yeah, this is the only way that they will feel like they have the space, and they feel secure, and they will be able to express themselves. Yeah, I absolutely, and thank you so much for bringing that up, I absolut, absolutely agree with that in those situations I think as the parent, you have to just bear it, you have to bear it and allow the child to come back and say, you know, when I was at daddy’s I did this, and this, and that, and when I was at mommies, oh yeah, that sounds really um, like it sounds like you had a good time, and even if inside you’re thinking to yourself, I don’t want to hear this, I don’t want to hear it, but actually just allowing the child the space to be a child.

Yes, like, like it was before the divorce exactly, exactly I mean that sometimes when, and, and I know some of the parents they, they completely say that they cannot do it, it’s such a difficult journey to go through, divorce, even where they’re no children. Right, yeah, when they’re children it makes it even harder at that point, but if we going to go and continue parenting full on, the way we would parent even before for the divorce, there are certain things that can make the child’s world much, much easier to cope with. Completely different, it will completely, and it will not leave any trauma. Yeah, yes, exactly, exactly and it’s, it’s things like um, and some of the parents tell me I’m absolutely not doing that, I say okay, so it’s Mother’s Day, go and get your child a Mother’s Day card for his mom, or her mom, it’s Daddy’s birthday, get them to you know, as much as you just don’t like the person but he’s still the person who is important to your most important person, and she’s still the most important person to, you know and when I tell parents that they’re like I promise you, I am not buying a Mother’s Day card, it’s not happening but at least I’ve put that idea there because, I look at the child, you know, the child and look at it from the perspective of the child, oh Mommy happy Mother’s Day, you know.

And don’t talk about money! No, oh gosh, this, this was a great, this was such a huge issue, wow, did you have to do that? Yes, I had to, to talk a lot about money because my dad was, wasn’t paying anything, almost anything for us, and my mom was paying everything for us. So I was feeling that I was a burden for my mom because he was paying everything, and I was a feeling that I was nothing for my dad because he wasn’t, he didn’t want to pay anything, wow, yeah, so if you talk about money, kids will never feel good, because if you say that I spend a lot for you, they will not feel that you care, they will feel that they are a burden, and if you say that your dad or your mom doesn’t pay anything for you, they will just feel that they don’t love them enough. Yeah, so don’t talk about money. Yeah.

There are three things that I say, when, to parents when they’re going through divorce and that’s one of them. Don’t involve children in adult matters. They don’t need to know when you’re going to court, they don’t need to know what the court papers have said, they don’t need to know what their financial agreement is,, they don’t they just, because they don’t have any power to deal with this ,they don’t know what to make of it they don’t, this, like you say they can’t say, I’m leaving, so, don’t involve children in adult matters, do not get them to mediate, between the parents you know, can you tell your mom this, can you tell, you know, in terms of mediating oh, but you know I really love your dad, maybe if you told your dad he would listen to you, oh, you know, your mom, you know.

It’s, it’s kind of like, just don’t get them to mediate, and don’t let them be messengers, you know, go and tell your mom I’m coming on Saturday at 2:00, mom, dad is coming at 2:00, 2 o’clock is not his time, you know, and then it just becomes like I’m just giving you a message but then, like you had to do, soften the message, timing, everything look after it, so that it, it doesn’t, it can have a soft landing. And kids sometimes in this dialogue they will try to say maybe also opposite things to each parent, probably they will say for example, to the dad I had a great time with you, and they will say to their mom no, I, I, it was boring with Dad, I didn’t like it, yeah, and when they will go to mediation they will start fighting because they will see but, the kid told me that he had a great time, and Mom will say no, but he, he said that he didn’t like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, we need to just, like you say continue parenting as we would before the divorce, that’s why I think that the therapist will help, nothing else can help, and also the, for the people that go to the court and they believe that the judge will see the case, and they will understand and they leave the judge to decide for their families I mean, I find it really, difficult, to believe that the judge in 15 minutes will decide about the family of, around 10/ 15 years that they are together and they, they will decide exactly and, what it’s best for this family. For the child where, where the child goes, on which day, at what time , and everything like that. Yeah, I think um, and, and I, I, I, think that nowadays even judges don’t want people to come to court, no, no they don’t, yeah.

Despina if anybody wanted to contact you with regards to, not just your book, but um, just to ask, ask you questions can they do that about how to manage their own, yeah. Yes, of course, well I can talk about my personal relationship, I mean about me, and my experience and as a mediator yes, I could give some advices, of course, okay, and yes, I will be happy to help um.

You have a website? I don’t have a website, I have my email and I have a Instagram, uh Facebook, yes, and TikTok. This time, what’s your social media? It’s a, author Despina, you can find me under my name, and with the word author in front, okay, author Despina Mavridou. Yeah. Okay. For Instagram? For Instagram, yeah, okay, all right.

Thank you so, so much for taking the time, thank you, yeah, I know, it’s, I hope that it was helpful and if there are any questions we can do also another one, if you want to answer them, yeah, yeah, honestly I think um, I, I hope as many parents as possible will listen to this and even, if you change the direction that one or two parents are taking currently, with the divorce of their children, then um, that would be a job well done. Yeah, yeah, thank you so much. Thank you, take care, bye-bye.

[Music]

Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

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Grandparents' Rights: How They Can See Their Estranged Grandchildren
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Grandparents’ Rights: How They Can See Their Estranged Grandchildren

Published on
Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

The contribution of grandparents, which is celebrated on Sunday, October 6 this year, is a reminder of the formative role they play in their grandchildren’s upbringing, wellbeing and development.

Sadly, these vital bonds can be severed if the children’s parents’ divorce or separate. Here are some questions we are often asked about grandparents’ rights.

What are grandparents’ rights?

As the law stands, grandparents have no automatic legal right to contact with their grandchildren.

What happens if the parents break up?

Grandparents involvement with their grandchildren takes on an even greater importance during divorce and separation when their homes can become a stable haven away from the stresses and strains of their parents’ break up.

The loss of such intimate connections can impact upon a child’s emotional welfare and be detrimental to their overall wellbeing.

In situations like this it is possible for grandparents to make an agreement with the children’s parents regarding contact with their grandchildren.

Arrangements can be agreed informally, or through a formal agreement drawn up by experienced family lawyers. Agreements often include when grandparents can visit their grandchildren and /or contact them by phone or email, and any other provisions they wish to make.

Is mediation an option in such cases?

Yes, family mediation offers a non-confrontational option where grandparents and parents can commit to reaching a solution in a spirit of communication and cooperation.

How does mediation work?

An experienced and impartial mediator like me would have a confidential Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM) with the grandparents.

After establishing that this option is the right way forward, the mediator meets separately with the grandchildren’s parents. Both parties then sign an ‘Agreement to Mediate,’ enabling negotiations to continue on a ‘without prejudice’ basis.

Both grandparents and parents can each appoint and retain their own solicitors who can, where appropriate, also attend the mediation discussions and consult with them outside of the meetings.

Agreed arrangements for contact with grandchildren can be compiled in an agreement signed by parents and grandparents. The process can be completed in as many or as few meetings as are required to reach agreed solutions.

What if the children’s parents refuse to mediate?

In situations where an agreement cannot be reached, grandparents can apply for permission from the court to apply for an order, known as a Child Arrangement Order from the Family Court to see their grandchildren. Experienced family lawyers can also assist and guide clients through this process.

The emotional and physical bonds between grandparents and their grandchildren are unique. Ensuring their continuity will go a long way to enhance their grandchildren’s stability and advancement in their formative years ahead.

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

About Nicki Mitchell

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled mediator, child inclusive mediator and collaborative family lawyer Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns. Direct Dial: 01904 202553 or email  Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk  www.jonesmyers.co.uk

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