family mediation - Page 3

Family Law Mediation – “But what about the Children?”

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

In family cases involving children, the law is clear-the welfare of the child is the paramount consideration.

However, the adversarial UK court system that people so often use is such that even in the best run of cases, this all-important principle can be overlooked.

All too often separating couples and other relatives confuse what is in the child’s best interest with what they want and not uncommonly their lawyers end up writing tit-for-tat letters to one another which invariably include inflammatory and very hurtful contentions.

In all of this, the children can be forgotten. Their day-to-day lives suffer, their schoolwork suffers and the disruption in their routines can literally turn their lives upside down.

In some instances their long-term development can suffer. Non resident parents and their children can be separated for months!

Mediating child related disputes means that whilst bitterness and recrimination cannot be completely ignored, they are put in perspective.

Family mediators ensure that the disputing parties focus on what is important and help them to find common ground and forge a new found relationship that will help them work together in the future.

Going to mediation means that it is much more likely that a non resident parent will see his/her children more quickly and more often. For the children’s sake mediate!

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford (www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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family disputes and family mediation
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Family Mediation – Family Disputes are not so Much Between Right and Wrong as Right and Right

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

Does anyone remember the film, Annie Hall?

In one scene, the screen divides into two showing Annie played by Diane Keaton and Alvie, the Woody Allen character discussing their relationship with their analysts.

Alvie’s analyst asks him, “how often do you have sex together?” He replies-“Hardly ever! I’d say three times a week”.

In response to a similar question from her analyst Annie replies-“Constantly! I’d say three times a week”.

This exchange is not untypical of the emotionally charged disagreements that surface when couples separate.

All too often, e.g. when they are discussing things between themselves or being advised by their lawyers and certainly, when they are in court, this sort of issue which may have underlying significance is either put to one side or is ignored completely.

It is all too often forgotten that disagreements such as Annie and Alvie’s can have a very significant bearing on a couple’s relationship and how they deal with their breakup.

The net effect could be that such issues as child contact are not properly resolved and months or even years down the line the parties find that they are still in conflict with one another.

Mediators are not surrogate therapists or counsellors but in the course of the private, confidential sessions that they facilitate, issues such as those identified by Annie and Alvie can be given proper acknowledgement and if appropriate can be discussed.

Consideration of such issues might result in an acknowledgment by one or both parties which could in turn help them to draw a line and move on.

About Paul

Paul Sandford ( http://www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk/ ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

 

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define mediation
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Define Mediation as a Divorce Process

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Johnathan Pease Accredited Family Mediator and PPC
Johnathan Pease
Accredited Family Mediator
and PPC

In this interview, we speak with FMC accredited Johnathan Pease of New Landscape Mediation about what exactly family mediation is as well as what it is not.

Johnathan goes on to answer further questions that help define mediation as a divorce process including:

  • Can mediation work for high net-worth individuals?
  • Is family mediation about bringing the couple back together?
  • What about confidentiality?
  • Does working with a family mediator preclude working with a family solicitor?

So if you’re going through divorce or trying to deal with what you imagine is likely to be a difficult and challenging divorce, you may want to hear what Johnathan says about this particular divorce process.

Here’s part of what he had to say when asked to define mediation.

…When going through divorce, a family mediator will do is to take you through the process, in much the same way as a solicitor would in terms of the finances because there are certain legal things that have to happen when separating your finances but a mediator will do it for you in a much more streamlined fashion.

We do sit down with couples, and together organise the finances by looking at what the situation right now, what they both need to achieve going forward and we work out a way of dividing up their assets so that both parties are able to be content with the solution that they come up with. (Cont’d below)

We take that solution and put it together in a proper outcome document that can then be presented to the court for ratification in a consent order.

We do the same thing with the children. We sit down together, we work out, where the children will live, how they’ll move back and forth between the two parents, what’s going to happen over Christmas, what’s going to happen during half terms, holidays and all those sorts of things.

My goal is always to have parents feel that they are able to dance at their children’s wedding 10 years from now as opposed to dragging each other through the courts.

So mediation is a divorce process that helps you to achieve those very simple tasks while keeping your dignity and most of your finances intact.

What is family mediation NOT?

It is not a process where you sit down and get told what is right for you and what isn’t right for you.

It’s not a process where the family mediator sits there and makes a determination that you’re ex-partner has to be punished because he or she has behaved appallingly.

Family mediation is not a process where get specific legal advice but where you get a great deal of legal information. I can tell you for example if a court is likely to ratify and agreement or not. Everybody’s situation is different and our job is to make sure that you’re both content with whatever arrangement you come up with that is available to you within your resources.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Johnathan Pease, of New Landscape Mediation, is a highly experienced family mediator with over 20 years of experience working in family conflict resolution both as a mediator and Family Consultant.

A fully accredited BACP psychotherapist, Johnathan holds several qualifications with ADRg – including Direct Child Consultant (DCC). He is an accredited Civil/Commercial mediator, a member of the UK College of Mediators, and an affiliate member of Resolution.

Johnathan’s flexible and pragmatic approach to mediation makes the most of his understanding of interpersonal dynamics for the benefit of all concerned.

As a father of 2 children, and having experienced a family breakdown himself, Johnathan recognises that there are often many layers to the end of a marriage hindering a successful settlement than first meets the eye. Johnathan applies his varied training and life experience to the time sensitive and practical needs of family mediation with consistent success.

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Divorce and The Myth of Justice in Family Justice

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Johnathan Pease Accredited Family Mediator and PPC
Johnathan Pease
Accredited Family Mediator
and PPC

The myth of justice in Family Justice.

This is a pretty bold title. Am I, as a mere Family Mediation Council Accredited (FMCA) mediator really challenging the idea that the Family Justice system has anything at all to do with meting out justice?  Yes, I am.

It is almost a daily occurrence as a FMCA mediator to hear about someone ‘s feelings of being unfairly treated by their ex-partner.

Sometimes, clients tell me of how hard they’ve worked, or how they’ve given their ex the best years of their life, only to now find themselves replaced by a wealthier or younger model.

Other times it describes the way a non-resident parent feels about how difficult it is to see their children and how they are being blocked by an obstructive ex-partner. In yet other instances it describes a deeply held belief in what they see as their moral right to a certain share of a family asset pot – either because they feel they were the one who worked so hard for it, or because they feel as it is their spouse who wants to end the marriage, why should they lose out?

In almost all cases, there is a belief that if a judge or other authority could only hear about these personal injustices that this court or authority will see the truth, make a judgement and put things right. Unfortunately, this is simply not the case.

The family court system does not in any way concern itself with personal, relational issues. It is only concerned with those elements of the Matrimonial Causes Act of 1973 (and the few amendments since) that apply. In essence, these are to do with the assurance that children are kept safe, are housed and to the greatest degree possible continue to have two parents who can, and will support them.

The Court will also want to ensure that both parties have provided full and frank financial disclosure so that there is absolute clarity about the financial picture before making a decision. If couples go to final hearing and the Court is asked to make a judgment on their behalf, effectively telling them how things will be split, no amount of emotional appeal will have an impact.

Judges will not concern themselves with the fact that your – now ex – partner promised to love you until the day they died but then reneged on that promise and has fallen in love with someone else. They will not punish your ex for lying to you about all those times they said they were playing golf or visiting a sick friend but were really with their lover. The incredibly frustrating and rather sad fact for many is that no amount of proof gathering, or case building will change this.

myth of family justiceThe traditional adversarial type of litigation is basically what we see in the Family Court system.

This has led to a system of “family justice” that for the average family it results in little more than seeing the children of their solicitor and barrister go to a great university. Fighting it out in court, hoping for a judge to see how awful your ex is, such that you are then provided with an award of most of the assets in retribution doesn’t really work.

Even in those rare cases where a judge is swayed by an argument, or where the judge does provide a partner or spouse with the lion’s share of the assets because he feels sorry for a spouse, the legal costs averaging £23,000 per person to receive that award usually completely wipes out any benefit you may have though you were getting (this is the average cost per person for a low to middle income family).

To top that off, as if this financial cost isn’t enough, a battle such as this will almost certainly impact the children and the love/respect they feel for you as parents.

I want to be completely clear on this point: a drawn out legal battle will affect the children’s opinion of BOTH parents.

Children do not simply side with judges, and punish the parent who loses in such a battle. They also have their opinions about the parent who destroyed their other parent in court. Remember, that no matter how much you dislike your ex, or feel they’ve lied or been unfair to you, to your children that person is still their father (or mother as the case may be). Your children are made up from the DNA of both of you.

Two years of hearing about how awful their other parent is (the average length of a family court case), means to put your children through 24 months of hearing that half of their genetic make-up is in some way flawed. Few children will thank you for that.

So where do people who feel they’ve been treated unfairly go? What can they do with these feelings? How can things be put right? These are difficult questions to answer properly in an article such as this.

Certainly, in terms of putting things right and ensuring that someone who has betrayed you is brought to justice, this might not be possible. If you are on the receiving end of something like this, it may well be that for you the only real recourse is to find the right support to help you through it. Wider families, support professionals such as counsellors or therapists and the love of close friends may be the thing that helps you get out the other side.

In regards to reaching a fair financial settlement and ensuring that any injustices that have occurred in the past are not allowed to continue, working with an accredited family mediator will save you a significant amount of time and money over the route of court and litigation.

Attend an initial information meeting with your local FMCA mediator about the options you have, and how mediation might be the thing to ensure that going forward, you are able to keep your savings, the respect of your children, and your own personal dignity.

About the Author

Johnathan Pease, of New Landscape Mediation, is a highly experienced family mediator with over 20 years of experience working in family conflict resolution both as a mediator and Family Consultant.

A fully accredited BACP psychotherapist, Johnathan holds several qualifications with ADRg – including Direct Child Consultant (DCC). He is an accredited Civil/Commercial mediator, a member of the UK College of Mediators, and an affiliate member of Resolution.

Johnathan’s flexible and pragmatic approach to mediation makes the most of his understanding of interpersonal dynamics for the benefit of all concerned.

As a father of 2 children, and having experienced a family breakdown himself, Johnathan recognises that there are often many layers to the end of a marriage hindering a successful settlement than first meets the eye. Johnathan applies his varied training and life experience to the time sensitive and practical needs of family mediation with consistent success.

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Family Mediation
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Divorce and Family Mediation

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Family Mediation

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What is Family Mediation Worth
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What is Family Mediation Worth?

Published on
Johnathan Pease Accredited Family Mediator and PPC
Johnathan Pease
Accredited Family Mediator
and PPC

What is mediation worth?

How can you quantify the financial and emotional value of a successful mediation for any given family?

These are surprisingly difficult questions to answer.  For me, they are about as impossible to quantify as: How much money has the Thames Barrier saved since it became operational in 1982?

There is no real way of knowing the degree of damage and personal heartache that has not been suffered in the 176 times the barrier has been raised.

In much the same way, there is no real way of measuring how much money and heartache clients who successfully negotiate a fair and workable financial settlement in mediation are spared.

All we can do is to provide some comparative information about the process of mediation against a bitter legal battle. Before providing this info however, I wish to make one caveat perfectly clear.

Mediation is not suitable for all people. There are a variety of situations where the only real recourse couples have is to rely on the courts to assist them such as where there is domestic violence or child abuse. Those cases notwithstanding however, here are some examples of the cost of choosing not to mediate.

Expense: Aviva insurance estimates the average cost of divorce to be £43,998 per couple. By comparison, the average cost of a mediated settlement with us, for instance, is £2,200 per couple

Time: In that same report, Aviva identified the average time to settle a divorce as 11.5 months. By comparison, in mediation we help most couples reach a full financial settlement within 5 weeks of deciding to mediate (assuming couples are able to provide financial documents such as bank statements etc. in a timely manner).

Psychological costs: The psychological costs of a contested divorce is impossible to quantify over that for those couples who use a Family Mediation Council Accredited (FMCA) mediator. It is certain however, that the vast majority of couples who mediate a solution will be able to complete their divorce process at a fraction of the time and costs over a contested legal battle. These savings in time and money will undoubtedly translate into significant psychological savings as well.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Johnathan Pease, of New Landscape Mediation, is a highly experienced family mediator with over 20 years of experience working in family conflict resolution both as a mediator and Family Consultant.

A fully accredited BACP psychotherapist, Johnathan holds several qualifications with ADRg – including Direct Child Consultant (DCC). He is an accredited Civil/Commercial mediator, a member of the UK College of Mediators, and an affiliate member of Resolution.

Johnathan’s flexible and pragmatic approach to mediation makes the most of his understanding of interpersonal dynamics for the benefit of all concerned.

As a father of 2 children, and having experienced a family breakdown himself, Johnathan recognises that there are often many layers to the end of a marriage hindering a successful settlement than first meets the eye. Johnathan applies his varied training and life experience to the time sensitive and practical needs of family mediation with consistent success.

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What is the Role of the Family Mediator in Dealing with Indifference?

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford – Civil Mediator and Tribunal Judge

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”

This very insightful sentence, written by the renowned philosopher and academic, Elie Wiesel, essentially explains why so many partnerships and marriages flounder or fail.

In some instances, the split that is announced to friends comes as a surprise.  Neither they nor even the parties to the relationship themselves ever saw this coming.

After all the friends say, “neither of them of them was unfaithful and there was never any suggestion of abuse or nastiness”.

Some of these indifferent couples may get counselling or guidance but others may simply decide that enough is enough and take steps to formally terminate their relationship.

Some may end up in a room with a family mediator giving financial disclosure and discussing what arrangements should be made for their children. It may be that instead of one or either of the parties making what some would see as explicit or unrealistic demands, the mediator is confronted by a party who cannot be bothered.

An example of this would be one party not maintaining adequate levels of contact with the children of the relationship even where there is no objection to him or her doing so.

Family mediation is a voluntary as well as a flexible, confidential process that allows for the possibility of reconciliation.

In the course of separation one of the parties to a relationship, or indeed both, could decide to try and salvage the relationship. If they are in mediation their mediator will explain to them that they can either withdraw completely or else suspend the process for a fixed or even an indeterminate period. This might give them time to consider their options, possibly to try to regain what they once had and to  begin to build up trust in one another.

In these circumstances, is there a role for the mediator particularly as he or she must not adopt the mantle of counsellor or therapist?

Role of the Family Mediator in Dealing with IndifferenceThe couple who are thinking of reconciling may either not go back to living with one another straightaway or have not yet reached the point that they feel able to discuss matters without some external input. If they decide to retain separate households, even in the short term, there may still be financial matters such as maintenance and child related issues such as contact to be resolved.

It might be that the initial split was caused by a couple’s disagreement about the best way to discipline and care for their children and they might benefit from the drawing up of a parenting plan.

Alternatively they may conceivably be in dispute about the running of a family business or the status of an extension built to accommodate a relative. One of the parties to the relationship may be in dire financial difficulty and irrespective of any wish to try and reconcile, may consider it necessary to take steps in order to protect him/herself and their children. Moreover, a couple’s therapist or counsellor may have advised that progress cannot be made until some legal issues are resolved and it well may be that skilful and timely input from a mediator saves the day.

In such cases, the family mediator has a vital role to play. He or she will very possibly change emphasis and no longer specifically use terms such as “divorce” or “clean break,” but the process of a mediator helping to facilitate an agreement may still be required.

What if it really is too late for a reconciliation and one or both parties simply decides that there is no point in considering reconciliation and opt to forge ahead?

In such circumstances, if the parties decide that that is what they want, the mediator may simply carry on with “plan A” and in the fullness of time a mutually acceptable settlement may be reached.

In the face of indifference from one or both parties part of the role of the family mediator is to accentuate the positives so as to help them to communicate better. In so doing the mediator will be able to help a couple to foster an improved level of trust that will enable them to reach an agreement and to behave towards each other in a more civilised manner.

Without this input which family mediators routinely provide and which helps disputing parties to overcome indifference in addition to  enmity or dislike, any negotiations or discussions may fail. If so there may be less likelihood of a divorced or separated couple communicating effectively with one another, perhaps for years to come.

About the Author

Paul Sandford ( http://www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk/ ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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FAMILY MEDIATION SERVICE

Going Through Divorce? What you Need to Know about Family Mediatiors

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Johnathan Pease Accredited Family Mediator and PPC
Johnathan Pease
Accredited Family Mediator
and PPC

Surgeons, mediators and medicine men.

Whenever we hear these job titles, we have an immediate impression as to the type of person we’re speaking about.

Surgeons are seen as highly trained specialists we entrust with our lives.  Medicine men, on the other hand, are snake oil salesmeisters who dupe dim witted customers from a horse drawn wagon (or any home shopping channel) into buying worthless cures for baldness, arthritis and bad breath – often all at the same time!!!

But what about Mediators?

Even though, as a profession, mediation has been growing in the UK since the late ’70s, until recently it has largely fallen under the radar of the average citizen.  But things are changing and they’re changing quickly.

The effects of budget cuts on the Courts and Legal Aid notwithstanding, divorcing couples are simply less and less willing to add insult to the injury of the end of their marriage by squandering their life savings on lengthy legal battles.  So where  do these couples turn? A Family Mediation Council Accredited (FMCA) mediator is the professional alternative.

The Family Mediation Council (FMC) and mediators alike want to ensure that these separating families know that when choosing a mediator, they are turning to a solid, respected professionals and NOT  a Medicine Man.

The Family Mediation Council Accreditation (FMCA) scheme ensures that mediators holding FMCA status have not only completed the required training, but have gone on to substantially demonstrate a number of important competencies in actual practice whilst being supervised by a suitable qualified and registered Professional Practice Consultant (PPC).

These efforts are not just about changing public opinion however.  The FMC wants to ensure divorcing couples that when choosing an FMCA mediator, they are contracting a highly trained specialist who can be entrusted to help them work through their finances to reach a fair and equitable settlement solution, as well as helping them create workable co-parenting plans.

The gap between surgeons and mediators may never close fully, but the robust training and accreditation requirements of FMCA mediators mean that we are moving closer to surgeons every day.

About the Author

Johnathan Pease, of New Landscape Mediation, is a highly experienced family mediator with over 20 years of experience working in family conflict resolution both as a mediator and Family Consultant.

A fully accredited BACP psychotherapist, Johnathan holds several qualifications with ADRg – including Direct Child Consultant (DCC). He is an accredited Civil/Commercial mediator, a member of the UK College of Mediators, and an affiliate member of Resolution.

Johnathan’s flexible and pragmatic approach to mediation makes the most of his understanding of interpersonal dynamics for the benefit of all concerned.

As a father of 2 children, and having experienced a family breakdown himself, Johnathan recognises that there are often many layers to the end of a marriage hindering a successful settlement than first meets the eye. Johnathan applies his varied training and life experience to the time sensitive and practical needs of family mediation with consistent success.

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Becoming a family mediator
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How Does Family Mediation Work? What is Family Mediation?

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Family Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

This is a question, among others, that The Divorce Magazine posed to Family Mediator Paul Sanford of Albert Square Mediation.  

Paul explained that family mediation is an informal process for those going through divorce or any other a family dispute.  

How does Family Mediation Work?

The parties meet informally and through the mediator (or sometimes two mediators), they can work through their differences and hopefully, reach an agreement that can be put in writing. 

As a divorce process family mediation remains a voluntary process.  This means it’s not compulsory to go through the mediation process in order for you to complete the divorce process.

As a divorce process, family mediation remains cheaper, quicker and the pressures that go with court litigation are simply not there.  It does give the parties the opportunity to focus on what matters and what needs to be resolved.

By the end of the process, people are very pleasantly surprised by A) the bill and B) the length of time that it takes to complete.

How to Prepare for the First Family Mediation Session?

The first session would be a pre-meditation session which would probably be a meeting held with each party.  The only “paperwork” that you will be required to show or bring with you at the first meeting is two items of proof of identity.  

Other than that, Paul suggest that before the meeting you,  A) think things through and B) prepare for what you would like the future to look like.

Also when it comes to completing the divorce papers, it is so vital that you are complete them properly,  openly and as thoroughly as possible.  This done well, saves time and money.

Mediators are committed to giving good value money but they cannot do this without your full participation.

Family mediation isn’t a magic wand that you wave and all falls into place.  You have to be ready to work for you to reach that agreement that suits you both.  You need to come prepared to be flexible and ready to compromise, especially when it comes to the children and contact issues.

Do Family Mediators and Family Solicitors Collaborate?

They do but one major difference is that family mediators are completely impartial and cannot be seen to give advice as solicitors can.

Is the Agreement Reached Legally Binding?

The agreement of Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) can indeed be made legally binding by having the lawyers slightly redraft, if need be, and having it reproduced as a consent order by the court. 

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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family mediation case study

Family Mediation – A Case Study

Published on
Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

A dispute between a couple who divorced five years ago but where there have been ongoing difficulties between them

Frankie and Johnny were married for five years during which time they had two children, John and Jane who are now aged 10 and 12.

Initially they were very happy but five years ago a combination of economic and social factors, coupled with Frankie’s strong but incorrect suspicions that her husband was being unfaithful resulted in a very acrimonious divorce.

Although at that time their solicitors gave them balanced, sensible advice they fought bitterly over a range of financial issues.

They also argued extensively about how often they should each be able to spend time with John and Jane. Outwardly at least they resolved these issues. However, this was partly because they were both emotionally drained and partly because they had run up very large legal bills and just wanted to get things over and done with.

Although Frankie and Johnny were in principle prepared to work within the framework that their divorce settlement provided, they had not managed to resolve any of their personal differences and to date there has been a lot of ill disguised resentment on both sides.

This is particularly true of Johnny who had reluctantly agreed to sign the family home over to Frankie and now has to live in unsatisfactory and quite costly rented accommodation.

Because the children live with Frankie and only stay with him at weekends, he feels that his ex-wife is calling all the shots and that he is little more than what he terms “a meal provider”.

Frankie is not prepared to be at all flexible, interprets the settlement provisions about Johnny’s contact with the children very literally and repeatedly makes hurtful remarks to him.

Johnny retaliates by badmouthing Frankie in front of John and Jane even though it upsets them and is invariably late in making maintenance payments.

Each and every time they meet, Frankie and Johnny row, often in public or in front of the children. Frankie’s mother, Daphne, who has never liked Johnny and whom he considers to be an interfering busybody becomes involved and repeatedly criticises him in front of the children.

Recently, two or three mutual friends in whom Frankie and Johnny have both confided decided that enough was enough and strongly suggested that they go to family mediation.

family mediation case study
Family Mediation – A Case Study

Ostensibly, the purpose of the mediation is for them to revisit the question of how often Johnny sees John and Jane and to consider John’s stated wish that he has more say in his children’s upbringing, particularly their education.

Subsequently, in the process of initially speaking to Frankie and Johnny individually to see whether mediation is appropriate, it becomes apparent to the mediator, Angela, that although at first glance the original divorce settlement appears to have been quite sensible, in reality there are lots of unresolved issues. She initially suggests four sessions but because a lot of progress is made matters are resolved in three.

During their first session, Frankie and Johnny barely speak to one another.

However, once they have grasped that their mediator is not there to impose a settlement on them, they both privately concede that the other is “not all bad”. They both realise that for the first time they have the opportunity to speak to one another with facilitation from an objective, independent third party who is not a lawyer or a counsellor and is prepared to listen and to help them try to reach a settlement that they will both be comfortable with.

In subsequent sessions they are more focused. Johnny concedes that Frankie is a good mother and that it is in John and Jane’s best interests to live with her.

However, he asks her to acknowledge that he is doing his best in difficult circumstances, that he bitterly resents her suggestions of past infidelity on his part, and that his wish to play a more active role in the children’s day-to-day lives is genuine.  He also politely but very strongly suggests that Daphne stops interfering, something that in truth Frankie agrees with.

Having listened to Johnny, Frankie takes a step back. She acknowledges Johnny’s views and agrees that she will try to rein Daphne in.

The net effect is that although Frankie and Johnny do not resolve their personal differences, they agree that they have to put John and Jane first and that they have to try and be more civil with one another. Frankie agrees to be a little more flexible about access arrangements and to keep in touch with Johnny in order to discuss things such as the children’s schooling with him.

In turn Johnny agrees that unless there are any genuine difficulties he will make any required financial payments on time. Both agree that they will keep financial and other issues under review.

Frankie and Johnny liaise with their solicitors and decide not to request the court to make a consent order amending the order made at the time of their divorce. Instead with their solicitors’ help they record their revised agreement in correspondence.

The obvious benefit resulting from Frankie and Johnny going to mediation and entering into a written agreement is that John and Jane are much happier and feel much more secure.

Their parents have effectively saved themselves a good deal of anguish and upset and feel better able to get on with their lives. They have established some lines of communication and because they have to some extent accepted their own failings they are better placed to be civil to one another Their acrimonious feelings about one another do not melt away but they have at the very least agreed to disagree about such matters and they are able to put their animosities to one side.

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

[All names changed]

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What Good is Mediation?

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Simon Robinson Barrister and Family Mediator
Simon Robinson
Barrister and Family Mediator

What good is mediation?  This was the question I was recently asked by a client.

John[1] had separated from his wife, Jane, with whom he had three children, and divorce proceedings had started.  John wanted to know how mediation would help him and was sceptical about its voluntary and impartial nature.

Mediation is voluntary and does depend on the commitment and goodwill of all those involved.  These may be its weaknesses, but they are also its strengths.

Mediation is more personal than a court case as its you, your (former) partner/spouse and the mediator(s).  This can help everyone get straight to the issues, and you, the parties, decide what these are.

A court case is inevitably formal, and there are complex rules, procedures and strict time limits. Mediation is much less formal and the parties are able to talk directly to each other, rather than via lawyers making submissions to a judge.  This doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all, as mediators will make sure that everyone gets to have their say in a safe and respectful environment.

The freedom to express emotion, without it being held against you, can be one of the most important benefits of mediation.

As a mediator, I’ve heard clients say how valuable it was to be able to tell the other person how they felt.  This can significantly help you to acknowledge the complex emotional issues involved in your situation in a way that enables you to focus on working towards a resolution.  Whilst courtrooms can be the scene of high emotion and drama, experience demonstrates that they are unlikely to feel a safe environment within which to express those feelings.

Mediation is confidential, and so you can feel free to say what you feel you need to.

The only times mediators will break confidentiality is where we have to do so because there is a safeguarding concern about a child or vulnerable adult or to prevent a crime being committed, such as money laundering.

You might understandably feel nervous about going into a room with your ex-partner and having a face to face discussion about personal and emotive issues. But you’re not on your own.

Mediators are trained to level out any power imbalances between parties and will step in if we feel that one person is being overbearing or to prevent a discussion becoming an argument.  I’ve frequently mediated with colleagues of the opposite sex and this can be a good way to help balance out gender differences and ensure that no-one feels isolated.

What good is mediaiton
What good is mediation?

Mediators are impartial, but that doesn’t mean we just sit on the fence.  We’ll give you clear, unbiased information, but not legal advice, and we may actively manage the process so that you can work on resolving as much as you can.

Its not essential to get an agreement on every single point.

Mediation can be successful if the parties narrow down the issues. For example, you might agree arrangements for contact with your children, but don’t agree on whether the family home is to be sold.

The fact that you’ve agreed some issues can save you time and money if you need to go forward to a court hearing or family arbitration.

You can also come back to mediation if necessary and this can be particularly helpful when discussing changes to contact arrangements.

Mediators, and the Government, justifiably say that mediation can be quicker and less expensive than going to court. According to the Ministry of Justice press release of 7 January 2014, an average divorce case costs about £4,000 whereas mediation can cost about £500.  Whilst mediation is less expensive than litigation, that doesn’t mean that mediators are cheap or somehow a lesser service. 

Mediators are professionals, and we may be lawyers, therapists or from another background.  All of us are professionals and comply with a Code of Practice and must meet quality standards.

So, if you go to mediation, does that mean you don’t need lawyers? Not quite.  Although mediators help you to reach an agreement, you’ll still need some legal advice.

This is to help you make sure that your rights are protected and as its often best to then turn your agreement into a court order.  Solicitors and barristers can help you do this, and if the mediator has given you a clear written summary of the agreement, then that will help keep your costs down too as the lawyers will have to do less work.

At the end of the day, a mediation is where you are able to talk about your situation and you hold the decision making power.  In court, although you can put forward your views, a judge will make the decision for you.

Judges in family courts, as well as family arbitrators, are experienced and highly trained people who are committed to deciding cases openly and fairly, and at least some are also mediators.  But, if you can work out a resolution on at least some issues, it can be a way to help you move on with your life.

It can also be a good foundation for co-parenting with your former partner/spouse.  Whilst your roles as partners has ended, your roles as parents will continue, and mediation can help you to do this.

Simon Robinson LL.B(Hons) LL.M MCIArb,

Barrister and Family Mediator

simon@peoplemediation.com

 

[1] Individual’s names have been changed for privacy

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Direct Consultation with Children in Family Mediation

About Family Mediation

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about family mediationAbout family mediation

Family mediation is a process that enables separating couples to negotiate face-to-face about the arrangements for their future with the help of a qualified, skilled and experienced third party.

Family mediation is confidential, voluntary and impartial. All of the decisions made during family mediation are made by the couple themselves.

It provides families with a structured and safe way of resolving their differences at their own pace, with guidance from a trained professional and encourages them to focus on the needs of children and to take into account everything that individual family members believe to be important.

Family mediation can be used effectively by separating couples and families of all types, including cohabiting or same-sex couples.

About the Family Mediators Association (FMA)

The Family Mediators Association is a membership organisation for family mediators. Formed in 1988, it currently represents almost 400 trained family mediators in England and Wales.

Its members are professional family mediators trained to a high standard from a wide range of different backgrounds, including family counsellors, lawyers, financial specialists and experts in child development. www.thefma.co.uk

 

For more information on Family Mediation, how it works and how it can help you while going through divorce and the divorce process visit – thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/family+mediation

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