family mediation - Page 2

A Guide for Parents - Devising a Co-Parenting Plan Before Getting a Divorce
Image by freepik
///

A Guide for Parents – Devising a Co-Parenting Plan Before Getting a Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Going through a divorce can be emotionally and logistically challenging, especially for parents with children. While the decision to end a marriage may be difficult, it’s crucial to prioritise the well-being of the children throughout the process. One of the most important steps in this regard is devising a comprehensive co-parenting plan before finalising the divorce.

A well-crafted co-parenting plan not only sets the tone for a healthy co-parenting relationship post-divorce but also ensures that both parents remain actively involved in their children’s lives. It provides a framework for effective communication, decision-making, and conflict resolution, ultimately minimising the impact of the divorce on the children.

By establishing clear guidelines and expectations from the outset, parents can foster a cooperative and supportive environment for their children, helping them navigate this transitional period with greater ease and stability.

Understanding the Concept of Co-Parenting

Co-parenting refers to the process of raising children collaboratively after a separation or divorce. It involves both parents actively participating in decision-making, sharing responsibilities, and maintaining a healthy relationship for the well-being of their children.

Successful co-parenting requires a commitment to putting aside personal differences and focusing on the children’s best interests. Key principles of effective co-parenting include:

  • Open and respectful communication
  • Consistency in parenting styles and rules
  • Flexibility and compromise
  • Avoiding conflict in front of the children
  • Maintaining a united front when addressing children’s needs and concerns

While co-parenting can be challenging, especially in the aftermath of a divorce, both parents need to work together and prioritise their children’s emotional and developmental needs. This often involves setting aside personal grievances and cultivating a cooperative and supportive dynamic.

Establishing a Parenting Schedule

One of the most crucial components of a co-parenting plan is establishing a fair and consistent parenting schedule. This schedule should outline the custody arrangements and visitation schedules, ensuring that both parents have ample time to be actively involved in their children’s lives.

When determining custody arrangements, parents can choose from various options, including:

  • Joint custody: Both parents share legal custody and decision-making responsibilities for the children.
  • Sole custody: One parent has primary legal and physical custody, while the other parent has visitation rights.
  • Shared physical custody: Children spend a significant amount of time living with each parent.

The parenting schedule should consider factors such as work schedules, children’s extracurricular activities, and living arrangements. It’s essential to create a schedule that minimises disruptions to the children’s routines and provides stability.

To ensure a smooth transition, the schedule should clearly outline the pickup and drop-off times, as well as any special arrangements for holidays, vacations, and other important events.

Handling Decisions Related to Children

In addition to establishing a parenting schedule, a co-parenting plan should outline how major decisions concerning the children will be made. These decisions may include matters related to education, healthcare, religion, and extracurricular activities.

It’s crucial to establish clear guidelines for communication and conflict resolution when making these decisions. Parents should agree on a process for discussing and resolving any disagreements that may arise, such as seeking the assistance of a mediator or counsellor if necessary.

The co-parenting plan should also address potential changes in circumstances, such as relocation, remarriage, or adjustments in financial situations. Having a framework in place for addressing these changes can help minimise conflicts and ensure that the children’s best interests remain the top priority.

Managing Finances and Child Support

Financial considerations are an essential part of a co-parenting plan, particularly when it comes to child support and shared expenses for the children’s needs.

The plan should clearly outline the child support obligations and payment arrangements – taking into account factors such as each parent’s income, the number of children, and any relevant legal guidelines or agreements.

In addition to child support, the co-parenting plan should address how expenses related to the children’s needs, such as clothing, extracurricular activities, educational costs, and medical expenses, will be divided between the parents. Establishing a fair and equitable system for sharing these costs can help prevent future conflicts and ensure that the children’s needs are met.

It’s also important to review any potential tax implications and benefits related to child support and shared expenses. Consulting with financial advisors or legal professionals can provide valuable guidance in navigating around financial assets.

Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

While co-parenting requires open communication and cooperation, it’s equally important to maintain healthy boundaries between the former spouses. The co-parenting plan should establish clear guidelines for interactions and communication, ensuring that each parent respects the other’s personal space and privacy.

One critical aspect is avoiding exposing children to parental conflicts or using them as messengers or go-betweens. Children should not be burdened with adult issues or placed in the middle of disagreements between their parents.

It’s also important to respect each other’s personal lives and relationships. The co-parenting plan should outline boundaries regarding introductions to new partners, attending events together, and maintaining appropriate behaviour in front of the children.

By establishing and adhering to these boundaries, parents can create a more harmonious and supportive environment for their children, minimising the potential for further emotional turmoil or confusion.

Involving Children in the Process

While devising a co-parenting plan, it’s essential to involve the children in an age-appropriate manner. This not only helps them understand the changes occurring in their family dynamic but also provides an opportunity for them to voice their concerns and fears.

Open communication with children is crucial throughout the process. Parents should strive to explain the situation in a clear and reassuring manner, emphasising that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will continue to love and support them.

Depending on the children’s ages, parents can consider involving them in discussions about certain aspects of the co-parenting plan, such as visitation schedules or living arrangements. This can help children feel heard and respected – ultimately easing their transition into the new family dynamic.

It’s also important to encourage children to express their feelings and concerns openly. Parents should be prepared to actively listen and address any worries or questions that may arise, seeking professional counselling if necessary.

By involving children in the process and fostering open communication, parents can help mitigate the potential emotional and psychological impacts of divorce – promoting a smoother transition for the entire family.

Final Thoughts

Devising a comprehensive co-parenting plan before finalising a divorce is essential for parents committed to prioritising the well-being of their children. By establishing clear guidelines for custody arrangements, decision-making processes, financial responsibilities, and communication, parents can create a supportive and stable environment for their children during this transitional period.

While co-parenting can be challenging, it is vital for both parents to put aside personal differences and cultivate a cooperative dynamic. Seeking professional assistance from mediators, counsellors, or legal professionals can provide valuable guidance and support throughout the process.

Ultimately, a well-crafted co-parenting plan serves as a foundation for a healthy and nurturing relationship between parents and children, helping to minimise the potential negative impacts of divorce and fostering a more positive and harmonious future for the entire family.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

You might be interested in

How Do I Maintain Contact with My Grandchildren When Their Parents Separate?
Photo by Sergiu Vălenaș on Unsplash
/

How Do I Maintain Contact with My Grandchildren When Their Parents Separate?

Published on
Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Many grandparents whose adult children separate from their spouses or partners suffer anguish, distress and loss when, through no fault of their own, they lose precious time with their grandchild(ren).

During their adult children’s separation, grandparents, can find themselves relying upon their son or daughter to arrange a time to see the grandchild(ren).  Additionally, if their relationship with their son or daughter is estranged, they may not see them at all.

Arranging visitation with the grandchild(ren)

The best option in this scenario is to try to negotiate with the parent in dispute, emphasising the importance of their role in their grandchildren’s lives. If discussions breakdown, grandparents should consider Mediation. This is a process where they and the children’s parents meet with a trained Mediator to discuss their role in their grandchildren’s lives and to work towards a routine of spending time with their grandchildren.

If negotiations and Mediation have not resulted in an amicable agreement being reached, the grandparents could make an application to the Court.  However, due to the fact grandparents do not have automatic legal rights to spend time with their grandchildren they must first apply for “leave” or permission from a Judge to apply to the Court.

The application for contact will only be considered by a Judge when both parents’ views upon the grandparents seeing the grandchild(ren) have been fully investigated.  In some circumstances a Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) officer may be asked to provide a report to the Court.

Once the Judge has the views of both parents, possibly a Cafcass Report, the wishes and feelings of the child(ren) and has considered what they believe is in the child(ren)’s best interests, an Order for contact with the child(ren) may (or may not) be made.

In conclusion, informal agreements directly with the parents are the best option for grandparents. If not successful, then Mediation must be attempted before any Court Application is issued and Court Applications should be a last resort.

This article is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

You might be interested in

Family Mediation and ‘MIAMs’: Recent Rule Changes. Young people sitting in a circle and having a group discussion.
Image by fabrikasimf on Freepik
/

Family Mediation and ‘MIAMs’: Recent Rule Changes

Published on
Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) have been compulsory in Family Court proceedings since 2014.

MIAMs – What are they?

‘Mediation’ is a method of resolving disputes through an independent third party, known as a mediator. Their purpose is to assist parties in negotiating a settlement.

MIAMs are a meeting which considers and explains the potential benefits of mediation and other non-court dispute resolution (NCDR) methods. During this meeting, the mediator will provide an indication as to the method that would be most suitable to resolve the prospective applicant’s particular dispute. If you are looking to apply to the court to settle your divorce or separation issues, it is a legal requirement that you first attend a MIAM.

The Rules – What’s changing?

  1. MIAM Exemptions:

The courts are looking to update their rules around the obligations to attend a MIAM, and, from 29th April 2024, they will be introducing various changes to reflect this.

If a MIAM exemption applies, then a prospective applicant will not be required to attend a MIAM.

Previously, an application for a MIAM exemption could be accepted in the absence of any supporting evidence. The new Rules, however, require said evidence to be attached to the application.

The courts will make an initial inquiry into whether the exemption is valid, and this will be subject to an ongoing review. If an exemption is deemed invalid, the court may direct parties to attend a MIAM, and possibly adjourn proceedings for that purpose.

In these circumstances, parties are encouraged to engage with the MIAMs because the court will take parties’ conduct into account when considering whether to make an order for costs in relation to the proceedings.

Why?

A stricter approach to the MIAM exemptions means that it will be harder to avoid a MIAM. You may be asking, what are the benefits of this? Well, by exploring NCDR at an early stage, you might be able to (amicably) reach an agreement, and avoid both the time and money involved in issuing court proceedings. Early resolution can also aid in preserving relationships; this may be particularly important in cases where co-parenting is involved.

What else?

April 2024 also brings with it a new MIAM exemption. If a prospective applicant can provide written evidence that they have attended a NCDR process within the 4 months prior the date of the court application (in relation to the same, or substantially the same, dispute to which the proposed court proceedings relate), then an exemption applies. This will ensure that prospective applicants are not unnecessarily directed to attend a NCDR. ‘Written evidence’ is obtained once a NCDR provider has confirmed that the applicant has attended.

  1. An insight into parties’ attitude:

From 28th April 2024, the court is introducing a new Rule for those commencing either financial remedy proceedings or private law proceedings related to children. Applicants who fall within the relevant criteria must now file with the court, and serve on all parties, a form setting out their views on using NCDR as a method of settling.

Why?

The court has introduced this requisite to monitor and identify whether NCDR is a suitable alternative for parties. Requiring parties to record their views about NCDR on paper will encourage them to think outside of the box (or indeed the court room) and consider whether a resolution can be achieved through other means; the benefits of which have been briefly discussed above.

What can divorce experts do?

As well as supporting you in your Family Court proceedings, divorce experts can refer you to accredited mediators that are recognised by Resolution and the Family Mediation Council, to ensure you have the best chance of success at mediating your dispute.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

You might be interested in

Mediation must be voluntary to ensure access to justice.
Photo by LinkedIn Sales Solutions on Unsplash.
//

Mediation Must be Voluntary to Ensure Access to Justice

Published on
The Law Society
The Law Society
Professional Body for Solicitors
England & Wales

Divorcing couples should not be subject to mandatory mediation, as putting barriers in place to attending court is likely to deny access to justice, the Law Society of England and Wales said today in response to a government consultation.

The consultation launched in March is seeking views on supporting earlier resolution of private family law arrangements. In its response to the consultation the Law Society is calling on:

  • Mediation to not be mandatory in divorce cases;
  • Early advice for all (subject to means testing)*
  • Support for domestic abuse victims as they go through the court process, which has not been detailed in the government’s proposals;

“The family courts are experiencing significant backlogs and delays.** We are pleased the government is seeking early resolution for families,” Law Society President Lubna Shuja said.

“Delays have a detrimental impact on families seeking justice and can mean parents are prevented from seeing their children. This leaves children without the stability they need to thrive.

“The problems facing the family court will not go away overnight, but with a robust framework, early legal advice and greater options for divorcing couples, there is more chance of early resolution.”

Commenting on mediation being mandatory Lubna Shuja said: “We understand the value of mediation in resolving family disputes amicably without needing to go to court.

“We do not agree, however, with making mediation compulsory. No form of dispute resolution should be mandatory. Attendance must be voluntary for it to be effective.

“Most couples try to avoid costly court litigation and delays to resolution. The types of cases that do require a court hearing or court process – and would be impacted by the compulsory mediation scheme – are complex in nature.

“Complexity needs to be considered, otherwise these proposals could risk harm being done to vulnerable people who are legitimately seeking a court hearing.”

Commenting on support needed for victims of domestic abuse Lubna Shuja said: “The Domestic Abuse Act has been a positive step forward in the government improving the protections available for victims.

“While the government has recognised that cases concerning allegations of domestic abuse need to be an exemption to the scheme, these cases cannot simply be removed.

“Domestic abuse victims need to be referred to services that can protect and support them through the court process. This is not detailed in the government’s proposals.”

About the Law Society

The Law Society is the independent professional body that works globally to support and represent solicitors, promoting the highest professional standards, the public interest and the rule of law.

Press office contact: Naomi Jeffreys | 020 8049 3928

You might be interested in

How do I find the right family mediator for my divorce?
Photo by LinkedIn Sales Solutions on Unsplash.

How Do I Find the Right Family Mediator for my Divorce?

Published on
Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

If you opt to settle your divorce through mediation rather than a drawn out, expensive and contentious Court settlement, choosing the right mediator is vital.

Here are some guidelines to help ensure the best possible outcome for you, your ex, and – most importantly – any children involved in your relationship breakdown.

Who chooses the mediator?

The first step if for each of you separately to attend a confidential Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM) with a qualified mediator who should  be approved by the Family Mediation Council (FMC).

You can appoint your own mediator through the FMC register which lists mediators near where you live.

At the MIAM you both discuss with the mediator key issues that need resolving. If you have children, the mediator should explain to you how your children’s voice can be heard within the process.

The mediator will explain the mediation  process and consider with you alternative ways of resolving the issues between you.  At the end of the session, you and the Mediator will come to a decision together as to whether you think mediation is suitable for you.

Why should the mediator have to be approved by the FMC?

Anyone with no training or qualifications can claim to be a family mediator.

FMC approval gives you the confidence that the mediator entrusted with this crucial role has been trained – and is qualified, and fully insured.

What is the mediator’s role after the MIAM?

If mediation is the way forward, the mediator who conducted your MIAM will set up a joint meeting with the two of you

Your chosen mediator will help you both work out key issues such as children contact and support along with dividing assets, property, pensions, and debts.

It can be very helpful in disputes relating to financial issues for you to use an FMC accredited mediator who is also a family lawyer. Although they will remain impartial in the process, they will be able to give you very useful legal information in the mediation, providing explanations as to how the legal process works and the options available to you around your properties, debt, pension, and income.

Where there is a need for you to take your own legal advice, this will be flagged up by the mediator.

Giving couples control over their divorce, mediation can be completed in as few or as many meetings as you need.  These can take place over a few months or, in some cases, weeks.  Depending on the issues, some couples are able to come to agreed proposals in just one meeting.

Findings from the Family Mediation Council highlight that agreements are reached in over 70% of cases of couples undergoing mediation.

I have seen repeatedly how mediation helps separating couples to find an agreed way forward in a constructive, positive manner which avoids going to Court, prioritises children’s well-being – and supports the long-term interests of all those involved.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Nicki Mitchell

Nicki is a partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors. With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

Skilled in mediation and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki is also a Child Inclusive Mediator which enables her to meet with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

You might be interested in

I'm Divorcing - Am I Eligible for Free Mediation Sessions?
Photo by Cytonn Photography on Unsplash.
//

I’m Divorcing – Am I Eligible for Free Mediation Sessions?

Published on
Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

For separating couples, mediation can be a highly effective way of avoiding a lengthy, costly, and drawn-out Court divorce in which children are often caught up in the crossfire.

To help more couples in this situation, the Government has launched and extended a Family Mediation Voucher Scheme to encourage more people to undergo mediation.

What is the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme?

The publicly funded scheme helps separating couples to resolve their family law disputes outside of Court, giving them up to £500 towards the costs of mediation.

Both people involved need to agree to take part – and only Mediators like me who are authorised by the Family Mediation Council (FMC) can conduct the sessions.

How do I know if I’m eligible?

Most divorcing couples are required by law to attend a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM). At this session a qualified mediator assesses whether mediation is appropriate for your individual case – and if you qualify for the scheme.

Eligible cases must involve a dispute or court application involving a child, although the sessions can also cover related issues around finances.

Which cases do NOT qualify for the funding?

  • If you’re applying for a consent order
  • If any children are involved in emergency proceedings, care proceedings or supervision proceedings
  • If any of the children are the subject of an emergency protection order, care order or supervision order

Where there are allegations of domestic abuse, the mediator will carefully assess with the person alleging that abuse whether mediation is suitable.

What happens if I quality?

Your mediator will apply for the voucher funding, paid directly to them when the mediation is concluded. Vouchers are limited and the mediation sessions can be attended together or separately.

Will the £500 cover all mediation costs?

This depends upon the mediator’s fees and the number of sessions needed. The voucher is intended to be a contribution towards mediation sessions.

What happens if the mediation doesn’t work?

You and your ex should take advice as to the options available.  Ultimately, if all else fails, you can make an application to go to Court.

What happens if the mediation is successful?

The arrangements agreed in mediation can be put into a document which is often known as a “parenting plan” which you can then both sign.  This provides a useful record of your agreement.

A parenting plan does not have the status of a court order.  However, court orders are not usually necessary or desirable in children cases.

The law (The Children Act 1989) works on the basis of the “non-intervention principle”. Put simply, the law recognises that parents are much better placed to parent than a court and so orders will only be made where necessary in the best interests of a child.

If you can agree, then an order is often not necessary. An order made when children are young will often become a straight jacket by the time they are older.  It makes sense for you to continue to review what your children need as they grow up, and this is much easier to do in mediation than in repeated court applications.

In our extensive experience, along with speed and cost, mediation helps to minimise the damaging fallout from a separation, enabling both parents and their children to move forward.

For more information on the scheme visit Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Click here for more articles from Jones Myers.

About Nicki Mitchell

Nicki is a partner at Jones Myers, a niche, multi award-winning family law firm based in Leeds, Harrogate, and York.

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled mediator and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki has recently further enhanced her extensive expertise by becoming a child-inclusive mediator. The accreditation enables her to meet with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

You might be interested in

Will Compulsory Mediation Protect Children from Courtroom Conflict?
Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash.
/

Will Compulsory Mediation Protect Children from Courtroom Conflict?

Published on
Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

Thousands of children could avoid seeing their parents embroiled in bitter, lengthy, and costly courtroom conflicts following a proposal to make mediation compulsory for separating couples.     

We wholeheartedly welcome the Government’s plan for separating couples to undertake mediation with a qualified mediator like myself to agree key issues such as arrangements for children and financial settlements.

The proposal, which aims to overhaul the family justice system, would apply to all suitable low-level family court cases. It would not include cases involving claims of, or a history of, domestic violence. 

Going to Court would be a last resort if parents are unable to agree a way forward.  

We have witnessed time and again the detrimental, and sometimes long-lasting, impact that contentious courtroom disputes among warring parents can have on children’s physical and mental well-being.

Mediation can help separating couples to find an agreed way forward in a constructive, positive manner which prioritises children’s well-being and helps the long-term interests of all those involved in the break-up.  

A qualified Mediator helps couples to discuss issues confidentially and find workable agreements more quickly and cost effectively. Giving couples control over their divorce, mediation can be completed in several meetings over a few months or, in some case, weeks.     

Going to court is entirely different. If separating couples are unable to reach an agreement, a judge, who doesn’t know them or their children, will decide how their financial assets will be divided. The judge – or Magistrates – will also determine how much time each parent spend with their children and that decision is legally binding.

The compulsory mediation proposal is undergoing a 12-week consultation. More information can be accessed here.  

Another positive move for separating couples sees the Government extending the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme until April 2025.  

Since being launched in March 2021 in response to Covid-19, over 15,000 families have benefited from the publicity funded initiative which gives them vouchers worth £500 for mediation to help resolve their disputes. 

To find out if you qualify for the scheme, visit  Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK (www.gov.uk).

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Nicki Mitchell

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements. 

A skilled mediator and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki has recently further enhanced her extensive expertise by becoming a child-inclusive mediator. The accreditation enables her to who meets with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

About Jones Myers

Jones Myers is a niche, multi award-winning family law firm based in Leeds, Harrogate, and York

The practice, founded in 1992, has retained its Family Law Firm of the Year North title in the Family Law Awards across 2020-2022 for its outstanding quality of service to clients.

For over two decades the firm has been consistently ranked in a joint Top Tier position by the Legal 500 and Chambers guides alongside national practices.

The Financial Remedies Department acts for clients on divorces, pensions issues, trust work and pre-and post-nuptial agreements.

The Children’s Department delivers every aspect of public and private children law. Managing national and international issues, it specialises in private residence and contact disputes, care proceedings, adoption work, special guardianships, relocations, and education matters.

Jones Myers lawyers are acknowledged leaders in their field and include mediators, collaborative experts, and an in-house barrister.

Email: info@jonesmyers.co.uk 

Locations: 

York

The Quadrant, Bootham Row YO30 7BP, Tel: 01904 202550

Leeds

8 St Pauls Street, Leeds, Leeds, LS1 2LE, Tel: 0113 246 0055

Harrogate 

5 Victoria Avenue, Harrogate, HG1 2PW, Tel: 01423 276104

You might be interested in

Couples Coaching and Family Mediation

Couples Coaching and Family Mediation – Annie Hall Revisited and EDA (Early Dispute Avoidance)

Published on
Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

In the course of reading an article in the London Magazine, Time out, which comprised of a sequence of potted, very well-written reviews about films with a Valentine’s Day type theme*, I was delighted to chance upon an appraisal of Annie Hall which is possibly my favourite film of all time and which featured in one of my earlier blogs.

The film basically documents a relatively short-lived romance between an angst ridden Alvy Singer played by Woody Allen and an equally angst ridden  Diane Keaton who plays Annie.

I remember it particularly for the quintessential Woody Allen jokes and wisecracks, his elegant repartee and the strong element of “will they, won’t they” and the inevitable failure of the relationship.

The Time Out reviewer focuses more on the Alvy/Annie relationship and looks beyond the romance and passion that one commonly associates with Valentine’s Day.

The reviewer writes:-

“… It shows us how difficult communication is. It also shows that two people being passionate about each other is not enough for everything to work out.

A long-term relationship is far more complex than that. It has to do with compromise and empathy and acceptance of your partner’s shortcomings”.

This very incisive piece of very well written prose could have been written by a mediator or couples coach.
It is not uncommon for mediators to become involved at the end of the relationship when passion has presumably died and communication has broken down.

This of course accentuates the difficulties for the parties and can make it even harder for them to resolve matters. However, understanding these issues is centrifugal to the mediator’s role and being both neutral and empathetic and particularly as the mediation process is conducted in a safe, confidential environment, he or she will be very placed to assist.

Interests and concerns about the past will be identified but the emphasis will be very much on helping the parties to move forward.

My favourite part of Annie Hall is the psychiatrist scene in which each protagonist in a clearly failing relationship gives his or her own subjective view of matters to their respective analysts.

One cannot help that the analysts accept these subjective positions without question, thereby reinforcing each person’s resentments about the other.

There is no mention of anything other than these subjective standpoint and, rather ironically, the analysts who are purporting to help, serve only to reinforce division and contribute to a process of inevitable decline that makes the already very unhappy Alvy and Annie even more miserable and depressed.

What would have happened if Alvy and Annie had either contacted a mediator before they reached the stage of standing in their front room arguing about which book or record belongs to whom? Perhaps more pertinently, what would have happened if they had jointly contacted a couples or relationship coach? 

Couples coaches are skilled professionals who, rather than taking sides, adopt a neutral but empathetic standpoint and rather than two people Alvy and Annie effectively voicing their concerns in a one-sided vacuum, facilitates discussion and will help them to understand, not only themselves little better, but also to at least acknowledge the other’s point of view?

One cannot say that a relationship such as Alvy and Annie’s will be saved, but in the spirit of EDA**, facilitated talking before the point of inevitable decline will often help the protagonists to focus their minds and work out what they want.

At the very least, a couples coach might have helped Alvy and Annie to realize that their relationship was doomed and save them all a great deal of unhappiness. At best, they may have been able to identify some common ground in order to continue their relationship, focus on the positives and coexist harmoniously. 

In some such instances it may be appropriate for an informal agreement to be formulated but as with family mediation, the beauty of couples counselling is that although the counsellor facilitates, it is the parties themselves who are in control of the process and the outcome thereof. This in turn means that they can draw strength both from the counselling process itself and possibly from one another. 

However unwittingly, the above-mentioned analysts disempowered their respective patients. Couples and relationship counsellors and family mediators whose professional charges are very modest do the exact opposite.

Thinking ahead to Valentine’s Day 2018, how about Woody Allen making Annie Hall 2 in which some of the issues raised in this blog are explored, perhaps with a happy ending to counterbalance the very unhappy ending in the original masterpiece?                                               

* “Love In the Movies” – Time Out London, February 14 – 20 -“Annie Hall” is reviewed by Sarah Stein Lubrano, The School of Life.

** see the section on the ASM mediation website which covers EDA( Early Dispute Avoidance)

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

You might be interested in

How to get full custody of child
/

Family Mediation for Cohabiting Couples

Published on
Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

It is quite apparent that marriage is on the decline. Many couples simply cohabit instead. Increasing numbers of people need help and advice in connection with cohabitation disputes rather than marriage disputes.

What many cohabiting couples do not realise is that cohabitation does not create a legal, binding relationship in the same way that marriage does.

Even in the modern age of human rights, when divorce reform is meant to be on the agenda and civil partnerships have been introduced, cohabiting couples still do not have the same level of protection that is enjoyed by their married counterparts-there is no such thing as “a common law marriage!”.

Some people may have had the foresight to enter into a cohabitation agreement. Others will have economic independence and will be able to weather any results and financial storms.

However, most people are not in such favourable positions.

One very good option for disputing cohabiting couples is to go to mediation – In practice mediation gives the parties the flexibility to reach a mutually binding an acceptable agreement that could not otherwise be achieved – not only will they save a lot of money by going to mediation but they could achieve a great deal more.

About Paul

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

You might be interested in

//

Divorce, Child Psychology and your Family Mediation Process

Published on
una-archer
Una Archer Child Psychologist
Louis Whitney
Louisa Whitney Family Mediator

This article looks at how using child psychologists along side the mediation process can help parents to achieve the best possible outcomes for their children when they separate.

Separation is a hard process for an adult to go through – especially where it comes unexpectedly.

Being able to look after your own well being and equipping yourself to make important decisions can be too much for some adults to manage at times.

Trying to help children make sense of the change and their relationship with both parents is something many parents can struggle to manage. In the same way that clients need expert help to make the right decisions about financial matters, they can also need expert help to assist them in supporting their children during this transition.

When a couple start to look at how they will resolve issues relating to money, children and possessions, a sticking point in making arrangements can often be differing views about children.

The two parties may have different perceptions about how their child, or children, are coping with the separation.

They may feel that different arrangements would work best. They may even have fundamental differences about the way that they parent their children. In some cases these differences have been a contributing factor in the breakdown of the relationship.

Whatever the issues it’s important to remember that children experience the same relationship breakdown as their parents.

Children are half of each parent, and it hurts them when they hear their parents making rude comments to or about each other – or becoming angry with each other.

As Resolution members are aware, in recent studies (publicised as part of DR week) one of the greatest frustration of children and young people was not being heard during their parents’ separation – and not having what was happening explained to them.

A child psychologist can help parents to become more in tune with the needs of their children during this difficult time.

your Family Mediation Process This article explains how using the services of a child psychologist, along side parents attending mediation to find a resolution, can be most useful. This may, or may not, be coupled with parents seeing solicitors to obtain advice during the mediation process.

It can take time following a separation for parties to feel able to start thinking about what happens next.

It is not unusual for one party to feel they have come to terms with the relationship breakdown more quickly and to want to focus on the next steps, whilst the other party is still struggling to process what has happened.

It is important that both parties work at a pace that they can both work within.

A mediator will be mindful of this and incorporate this into the process and timetable. Parties can see a mediator as soon as they feel able to talk about the situation.

A mediator will usually start with an individual meeting with each party. In that meeting they will explain how mediation works and the different ways in which you can move forward. Assuming mediation is a suitable process, the parties can then move to having joint meetings – although they may leave a period of time before the first meeting, to enable them to either gather information together, or to feel more able to deal with the joint sessions.

Sometimes the parties are not able to make progress in mediation because they are overwhelmed by their emotions.

Una explains that the parties may feel scared or threatened. This does not mean that either party is threatening the other; just that they find the situation they are in threatening.

Having to contemplate more formal arrangements to parent their children, trying to ascertain whether the children will be safe to stay with their ex, feeling overwhelmed by the thought that this will adversely affect their children for life – any one of those concerns can seriously undermine their sense of security and trigger a “fight, flight or freeze” response.

This response initiates quick action for the best chance of survival in situations that are perceived as dangerous. It can vary in its strength. If the reaction is mild the client may look anxious, on the edge, or distant or withdrawn.

Here are a few suggestions that might help to defuse it within the mediation session:

  • Slow down
  • Repeat, or ask both parties to repeat what has just been said
  • Acknowledge what is happening: ‘This is a very sensitive issue and talking about it may be hard. We will go at the pace you are feel comfortable with’
  • Have a comfort break
  • Reduce the amount of documents on the desk

Here a few examples of a stronger ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response:

  • Experiencing strong immediate reactions where there is no space for dialogue or compromise
  • Refusing to deal with or acknowledge the situation such as ignoring phone calls, emails, or not being prepared to discuss issues in any way.
  • A person freezes and is unable to take in information or process issues and make decisions.

Where one or both parties experience this reaction, it can make it difficult for mediation to continue – or for there to be constructive dialogue about the issues.

A child psychologist can be helpful in assisting clients with resolving this reaction by:

  • Helping the party or parties to re-engage with their ability to regulate their emotions, reflect and examine the issue from different perspectives and be flexible, creative and empathetic.
  • Helping parents to understand what their children need to adjust to their particular situation. Narrowing the focus to just a few key areas can reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed and provide the parents with the comfort of knowing they can help their children.
  • Creating a clear action plan to enable parents to be more present with their children.

This, in turn, enables them to return to mediation and to make progress with shaping the resolution that they think will serve them, and their children, best going forwards.

your family mediation processA child psychologist can also work with parents in the later stages when they are looking to implement the plan that they have put together in mediation.

This might be once they have physically separated and moved into separate houses and are now sharing care of their children.

It can be a huge transition for all involved to live as two separate households and to implement a plan that was only theory when it was discussed in mediation.

A newly separated parent can feel exposed and uncertain in some areas of parenting.

There might be situations that an ex partner used to deal with that a parent now has to tackle themselves. Una has a more positive outlook on this as a chance to take stock of what is happening in their relationship with their child at that moment. Having the opportunity to invest time and energy into creating a really solid relationship with their child, that they are both happy with, can be a life defining journey that can enhance their bond forever.

A child psychologist can help parents to develop a clear understanding of what their child needs from them and how they can meet those needs. It can also assist parents in helping their child (or children) to:

  • Trust they can share their thoughts and feelings with their parents
  • Feel comfortable in their own skin – understood, accepted, important, safe and loved
  • Have lasting friendships
  • Enjoy and fully engage in their learning – whatever their interests are

This gives them confidence in their role as a parent – in a way that they may not have had during the marriage. How often do parents feel “I’m not good enough” or that “my child is asking for more than I can give”?

It also empowers parents to rewire patterns that may have existed in their family for generations.

Those patterns influence their unspoken agreements about how much affection, support, acceptance, space, and respect one can expect in a relationship.

By working with a child psychologist the party, or parties, can work out what relationship they, as a parent, will have with their child going forwards and how they can bring it to life and make it their everyday reality.

This enables families to move forward to a new chapter where they will be living separately but still working individually and together to make sure their children are happy, healthy and thriving.

About Una and Louisa

Una Archer MBPsS is a child psychologist helping divorcing parents to soften the impact of their separation on their children.

She works to help parents understand what they need to do so that their children feel just as loved, secure and comfortable in their own skin as they did before the separation – and sometimes even more so.

Louisa Whitney practised as a family law solicitor for approximately 10 years before also qualifying as a family mediator.

Three years ago she set up her own mediation practice in Surrey and now works as a family mediator full time.

She is passionate about helping separating couples find a resolution that’s tailor made to them and their family.  For more information about her mediation practice visitwww.lkwfamilymediation.co.uk

You might be interested in

Family Mediation – There is much more to it than Divorce and Separation

Published on
Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

If you ask a passer-by what she or he thinks family mediation is about the chances are that that person will mention divorce, separation or disputes about child contact.

In one sense this is correct and it is certainly true that family mediators deal with these types of issues quite routinely.

However, one of the important constituent parts of the term “family mediation” is the word FAMILY.

Are you perhaps involved with one of the following types of dispute which arise more often that our hypothetical passerby might imagine? If so, would you like it to be resolved promptly and cost-effectively?

  • a case involving the parents of a child in local authority care who may be denied any contact;
  • a case involving a grandparent, aunt or uncle who is denied contact with a much loved grandchild, nephew or niece because the child’s parents have separated;
  • a dispute involving a family house sharing arrangement possibly where there is concern about a potentially vulnerable family member leaving home;
  • a case involving a dispute between siblings about a family will or the administration of a trust or estate;
  • an Inheritance Act claim where a close family member or a potentially deserving relative has been left out of a will and has taken the matter to court;
  • an acrimonious dispute affecting a family partnership or company that may ultimately affect its financial viability and the livelihoods of those who work in it;
  • a dispute between siblings or other family members about who cares for an elderly or infirm relative;
  • disagreements about funeral arrangements,
  • A dispute between parents and their child’s school.

If any of the above apply, then mediation may well be for you.

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford (www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

You might be interested in

Family Law Mediation – “But what about the Children?”

Published on
Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

In family cases involving children, the law is clear-the welfare of the child is the paramount consideration.

However, the adversarial UK court system that people so often use is such that even in the best run of cases, this all-important principle can be overlooked.

All too often separating couples and other relatives confuse what is in the child’s best interest with what they want and not uncommonly their lawyers end up writing tit-for-tat letters to one another which invariably include inflammatory and very hurtful contentions.

In all of this, the children can be forgotten. Their day-to-day lives suffer, their schoolwork suffers and the disruption in their routines can literally turn their lives upside down.

In some instances their long-term development can suffer. Non resident parents and their children can be separated for months!

Mediating child related disputes means that whilst bitterness and recrimination cannot be completely ignored, they are put in perspective.

Family mediators ensure that the disputing parties focus on what is important and help them to find common ground and forge a new found relationship that will help them work together in the future.

Going to mediation means that it is much more likely that a non resident parent will see his/her children more quickly and more often. For the children’s sake mediate!

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford (www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

You might be interested in

1 2 3 4