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Online Divorce UK – How to File for Divorce Online

Published on
Carmen Hudson (LLB) Director DivorceBox.com
Carmen Hudson (LLB) Director DivorceBox.com

In this interview, Carmen Hudson of Divorcebox, explains how you can file for divorce online:

Divorce online is exactly like any other divorce except that is done online. 

Going through divorce is a very difficult experience but in the case where both partners agree to the divorce, the divorce process itself can be reduced to a procedural exercise and that’s where online divorce comes in.

If you prefer to go down the avenue of alternative dispute resolution, you can still instigate your  divorce online and deal with the paper work online and reduce that side of it, that element of it to a procedural exercise.

Can I get all necessary divorce papers online in order for me to be able to file for divorce online?

Yes, they are absolutely free online from her Majesty’s Court website.  They are free so never, pay for divorce papers or divorce forms.  You can even download them for free as a pack from our website. There are people who sell packages which include the divorce papers but what you need to know is what you’re paying for.  That would be my advice to you.

Online divorce is about choice.

Is online divorce for those with within the low income bracket?  That’s the picture that we often get.

That is the picture that they do portray but that is not the case.  It’s like in the case of family mediation as a divorce process, it’s for anybody but it’s not necessarily suitable for everybody.  If the divorce is likely to be defended and hearings necessary, online divorce wouldn’t necessarily be suitable in that instant.

But in terms of net worth, just recently we had Gary Lineker choosing to go through his divorce process using the divorce online route. 

This is a good example of how a high net worth individual has chosen to go through the divorce process by taking the non-adversarial route, non-contentious route, because it helps shine the light on the fact that you can do it, without involving the lawyers, without it being a messy divorce. 

So finances do not affect whether or not you can have an online divorce, what is important is that you can agree to divorce with your ex-partner.  You can sort out houses, finances, children through other avenues.

So to file for divorce online, it needs to be an uncontested divorce.

Can you start your divorce online at anytime or do the grounds for divorce still hold?

Online divorce, DIY divorce, divorce through a solicitor are all the same thing.  All the exact same application forms, all the same rules apply as well as the reasons and the facts that you use to prove the divorce are exactly the same as you would use if you were going through the divorce process through a solicitor or via DIY divorce. 

It all comes down to how you chose to file for divorce the rest stays the same including the grounds for divorce.

Is going through the divorce online quicker ?

The divorce process is in the hands of  divorce centres.  So it will depend on your regional divorce centre and some regions are slightly better than other regions.  

They will dictate, the timetable and schedule of any divorce be it DIY, be it online divorce be it through a solicitor.

The difference with an online divorce is that you can instigate and initiate the divorce yourself from home, so you’re in control of the timetable.  So you’re not waiting for solicitors and you don’t have to go to a solicitor’s office. 

So this is an advantage to be gained.  It’s the convenience of doing it at home and at your own pace. 

So you can find the divorce papers online, you can file for divorce online, you don’t have to wait for the forms to arrive, you don’t have to go out and meet someone and you don’t have to cough up a lot of money.

You can print the forms out, attach your cheque, send them to your divorce centre and it can be as simple as that.

I don’t want to say that divorce is easy, I don’t like that whole easy divorce thing, because the divorce process itself can be devastating for people, but the actual application, can be a procedural exercise. 

What about clean break?  How does online divorce help.

Financial matters and matters in relation to children and matters in relation to property, are separate to but run alongside the divorce application.

So the divorce application is one application to the court then if need be, you can make a separate application in relation to the children and then you can make a financial application.  They are parallel but they are not all on the same form.

Mediation works very well with online divorce.

What we find is people find that if they want to keep it out of the court and they want to go down the alternative dispute resolution path and they don’t want to put it in the hands of the judge, they can use a combination of online divorce and family mediation.  That puts the family and the spouses at the heart of the decision making process.  So you can actually reach a compromise with the mediation and also do your online divorce parallel to that.

Carmen Hudson (LLB) is a director and head of legal of operations at DivorceBox.com a online legal service provider specialising in online divorce (e-divorce).

After 15 years in dispute resolution she founded DivorceBox to offer a less intimidating alternative to traditional legal services.

c.hudson@divorcebox.com

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amicable divorce

How to Have an Amicable Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A key piece to having an amicable divorce is what is happening pre-divorce.

If discussing whether or not to part-ways, do it in a calm manner without assigning blame.

Use I statements to describe your feelings and unhappiness with the marital situation. Respecting each other is the cornerstone of having an amicable divorce.

If you are the one delivering the news, try to have compassion for your spouse and do it in a gentle way. Think about what brought you two together in the first place and what characteristics that you like about them.

This helps in seeing the big picture where divorce is part of what happens in your relationship, but does not end it. Some couples become better friends after divorce, especially when the process is conducted with integrity.

Select a friendlier type of divorce such as family mediation or a collaborative one.

Litigation in court is adversarial where one spouse is pitted against the other one. In mediation or collaborative divorce, the spouses and their legal representatives work together as a team to accomplish splitting assets and finalizing the marital split.

Gov.uk has much information online regarding divorce and needed divorce papers.

It is possible to find online companies who provide guidance and a divorce kit for what is required by the court for spouses who want a divorce in this manner.

Some spouses want a DIY divorce to keep things simple. Choose what is most comfortable for you. Discuss how the divorce papers will be delivered to the other spouse if applicable. This can sabotage having an amicable divorce when they are served to a spouse in front of their boss or clients. Receiving divorce papers can be a shock, even when following a discussion about separating.

To keep divorce amicable there is give and take. Negotiations are low key without a winner take all attitude.

This involves listening to each other’s concerns and why a specific asset is desired. Flexibility and the willingness to compromise are paramount in keeping the process more easy going in order to discover creative solutions that are beneficial to both. It is understanding that neither party is going to get everything that they want with splitting assets, shared care and so forth.

To keep things amicable stay on task and leave emotion out it. If you find yourself getting hostile or defensive, take a short breather in proceedings to regroup. Aim to have a pleasant demeanour and if your spouse is becoming angry, suggest a break. Strong emotions can feed off each other and spiral out of control.

Do not start blaming your spouse during proceedings or make personal attacks on their character, no matter how tempting. Look at the common goal of getting the divorce completed and work together to get this accomplished smoothly.

Some couples I know, met at coffee houses during their divorces to work out splitting personal possessions. This was friendlier and cheaper than quibbling over artwork and china with their solicitors.

Vent with friends who can keep confidences.

During my divorce, a few people (some I barely knew) revealed what my husband was circulating around the community about me. You do not want to throw a spanner in the works of your divorce, by spreading gossip about your spouse. Keep tight lipped about what is happening so nothing can get back to them.

People do not need to know your business, so a vague “our divorce is coming along okay” will suffice. I brought pastries to our collaborative divorce meetings which contributed to a friendlier atmosphere.

If you genuinely like and respect your spouse, they can be an important ally post-divorce. They know you well and can give a job reference or be of assistance in emergencies. Some former spouses continue going together as friends to musical concerts and to other venues. When caught up in the unpleasantness of divorce, remember this is temporary and the person you once married can still be a friend.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Accepting Divorce and Moving on

Published on
Rasheed Ogunlaru
Rasheed Ogunlaru Leading Life Coach

I had the pleasure of interviewing Rasheed Ogunlaru on divorce and how this introduces us to endings and beginnings and on the role accepting divorce plays in helping us move on.

It was an interview that was full of really valuable information on how to manage the emotions and stresses that accompany the divorce process.

Rasheed has worked with people for a while now and really understands what really goes on for people during their dark times. He has worked with all kinds of people, from those in the public eye to others who looking to move on with their lives and careers.

In this interview, we talked about endings and beginnings.

This is what Rasheed had to say:

What would you say to someone who is going through divorce right one who is considering divorce?

Our whole lives are built around relationships and it can be painful when any kind of relationship comes to an end. You can feel all sorts of emotions.  There’s so much pressure to be a certain way when in a relationship, including how long they should last.

Relationships are like train journeys. There are going to be some relationships where you go through the entire course of that journey together because you’re heading in the same direction.  While there are others where people would get off at different stops because you’re going on your life journey and they are going on their own life journey.

The one person whom you’re stuck with for the entire journey is you.

So you’ve got to take time out for yourself.  For very many people it may have taken them a very long time to even get to this point in their lives in accepting that their relationship isn’t working.

Realise and recognise that there are three things going on at the moment – there’s you, the other person and then there’s the relationship in between and the key thing is how can you honour all three.

How can you honour you?  What is it that you need?  Where are you at?  Is it time for you to move forward?  Are you ready to move on from this relationship?  How do you protect yourself because sometimes things may get very, very unpleasant?

Then there is the other person; and their life, letting them go and moving on without them.  And finally there’s the relationship that is ending.  What it means and how to go about it?  It’s very, very important to honour all three of those spaces.

There can be such huge pressures on what you should do and how you should feel but remember there is no script to follow so what you are feeling is uniquely you.

Divorce and Accepting that it's over
Accepting Divorce – that’s a huge step

The divorce process and the divorce proceedings don’t need to be bitter. It is possible to have an amicable divorce today.  Going to court as a means of going through divorce or the divorce proceedings isn’t always the way.  There are other options including family mediation, collaborative law, working with a McKenzie Friend.

The narrative around divorce doesn’t need to be adversarial. Many couples decide and manage to sort out their divorce proceedings together and amicably.

What about the difference between leaver and the left?  The left who maybe in shock and full of anger?

Give yourself time and space. You may feel numb and unable to do things. Know that there is support out there. You don’t have to go through it alone. Good friends, counsellors,family, therapists but be mindful of the type of support you reach out for.

You may also feel guilt and blame. It’s easier to move forward when you don’t carry such emotions with you. Realise that these things just happen.  Which brings us on to acceptance.

What role does acceptance play?

First of all, acceptance is not about being passive.

Rasheed explains that this is one of the most powerful steps one can take in being able to positively deal with the divorce process and start their life after divorce and separation.

Understand that it is what it is.  That is acceptance.

That moment of acceptance is the beginning of being empowered.  It’s the beginning of thinking, “OK, where am I actually with this?  What help do I need?  What are the things I need to put in place?”

Realise that if it is over, if it is unresolvable, if people are going to go their own way, then you’re going to need to go on a journey.  That is inevitable.  Accept it.

Be mindful of the fact that there will be practical, financial and a lot of things that will need to be addressed, especially with regards to the children of divorce and others concerned but there’s going to be a moment where you are going to need to take care of yourself because you are going to need to address how you are, your own wellbeing, you cannot negate yourself.  And if there are others, you are going to need to be as strong as you can be, for their sake as well as your own.

Addressing things with a good heart and good intentions is something that would be good to do because that’s all part of looking after yourself and moving on because there is still life to be lived!

To finish off – How to deal with divorce?

When going through divorce there are three important elements to keep in mind.

Firstly, what practical support do I need?

Secondly, what issues need to be addressed e.g. the children, the house, and other assets?

Thirdly, how am I looking after my emotions, my spirit, my feelings? What’s the emotional stuff that needs to be addressed or honoured or acknowledged and the support that I need? How am are you feeling in your spirit? Because there may also be that dimension where you would be wrestling with what’s in your heart?

In your heart you might be someone of kindness, someone caring so what is it that’s going to nourish you? Whether that’s spending time in nature or if you someone of faith or a humanist, whatever that looks like for you how are you keeping that going because it is an important part of your life.

Remember that sometimes this can also be a beginning. You are at a new stage in your life. Nothing ever in life is lost.

All those experiences, all those memories they are still alive, they are still all very relevant and you might be able to see them within yourself, within the other, within the children, within the things that you have created.

As strange as it may sound right now, be very grateful for this gift of life and for this opportunity of moving on because it will make you stronger, it will make you wiser and know that you  be ready to love if you open your heart to being loving and kind.

Don’t let the divorce shut out your emotions towards yourself and others. Embrace life and life will embrace you and I wish all the best as you move forward in your life.

Thank you Rasheed.

Rasheed Ogunlaru is a leading life coach, motivational speaker and business / corporate coach.

His clients include entertainers, celebrities, entrepreneurs,  experts, Chief Executives, professionals, healers, therapists, organisations and the public. He specialises in helping people find lasting fulfilment in all areas of their lives, careers and relationships – from within.

Rasaru.com

 

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how to get through a divorce

How to Get Through a Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

If you both decide that it’s best to go your separate ways then here are somethings you may want to keep in mind that I hope will show you how to get through a divorce.

Telling the children

No matter how you do it, remember that this will be a watershed moment in your child’s life.

Avoid making it a “special occasion” by taking them to the cinema, on to Pizza Express and finally telling them when it’s bedtime.  The best place to tell your children about the impending divorce would be in a familiar environment and the best time is a few hours before bedtime.

Telling the children about divorce is obviously never easy but it has to be done and as soon as possible. Avoid telling them that it’s a trial separation if you know that it’s not.  If the marriage has come to an end then tell them exactly that.

Be ready for your teenagers to be angry and embarrassed by you.  They are also very likely to take sides. This is what they do, so please don’t take it personally.

Your teenager may begin to withdraw from you and your family life, don’t let them go to far. Keep them as close to you as possible without being overbearing. Observe them and make sure you keep the door open for any conversation regarding the divorce to come in.

Your younger ones will also naturally be upset and will be able to show it overtly. They may have loads of questions and the wish that this was not happening will be strong. Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again, it is there way of trying to understand what is going on.

siblings and divorceDon’t assume that your little ones know why you are getting divorced, this includes homes where physical abuse has been present.

You will need to explain to them without getting into details like, “because mummy slept with Uncle Jo while I was in hospital getting better from the fall I had when I was trying to save her cat.”  They don’t need to know this. It helps you, not them.

How to get divorced?

Fortunately, in a weird sort of way, there are so many ways of getting divorced today.

You don’t have to go through the “traditional” route of using divorce lawyers and fighting it out in court. You may want to consider instead:

Just know what your grounds for divorce are – there are 5 in the UK and I urge you to do your research as in which divorce process would be best for you and the children.

If you decide to go through the divorce process by hiring divorce lawyers, then please do visit at least 3 before settling for one. Prepare your questions well before your meeting and take a friend with you who will help you remember what you were told.

Don’t go through divorce alone. It doesn’t help you in anyway to shut yourself out from the world.

Find a good support system from people around you whom you trust and whom you know will be objective, not just take your side because they are your friend.

What happens next?

Once you have told the children, picked the divorce process of your choice and found yourself a good support team (doesn’t have to be 10 people, 2 or three will do fine), be prepared for the journey.

What may start off as an amicable divorce is likely to turn nasty at some point, maybe temporarily so or as in most cases, during the whole duration of the divorce and beyond.

Divorce is hurtful, painful and can bring out the worst in you but when you know how to get through a divorce then the journey may indeed be less distressing.

One of the best pieces of advice that I was given at the time of my divorce was not to take things personally.  This is definitely extremely hard to do but it’s not impossible and once you’re able to do it, you will find no matter what your ex throws at you, you will be able to handle it much better and deal with it much more objectively.

Also, don’t make decisions when angry or upset. Remember,  as Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.” Just don’t make any moves when anger is the ruling emotion at the time.

Children need both parents, so I beg you, beg you, beg you, unless there are safety concerns, not to interfere with, disrupt nor sever your child’s relationship with the other parent. It’s one of the most unjust, unfair and unreasonable things you will ever do in your life. Do not parent from your own wounds.

As parents we always say that we will do anything for our children, let this be the case.  As much as you carry very strong negative feeling towards your ex, bear them well but keep your children out of it.

If you’re struggling or have any concerns about your little ones, call me – 07850 85 60 66 or email me soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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High Net Worth Individuals Being Forced into Divorce Settlements Due to Loss of Privacy

Published on
Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family at
K J Smith Solicitors

Couples who have a high net worth and a celebrity status are now having to choose negotiated divorce settlements in an attempt to avoid a court appearance as they could lose their privacy as many high profile divorce cases are now reported in the press.

This leads to sensitive information being leaked such as personal details, financial arrangements as well as the way in which their assets are divided.

If sensitive financial information is leaked to the press there is a real concern as it can lead to a security risk or even inform rival businesses of an individual’s financial position which can work against them.

Those individuals who have a high net worth can apply for a restriction to be put in place on any form of reporting via an application for privacy but this can often work to their disadvantage as all couples who apply for these applications have a responsibility to inform the press so that they have the opportunity to contest.

Where cases occur that involve an individual who has a high net worth instead of a celebrity, it can lead to unnecessary attention from the media especially if they are not obvious targets as it makes them aware of a divorce case that could be news worthy that they otherwise wouldn’t have been aware of.

Problems can also be made worse because individuals can also use the media to their advantage as it can lead to their ex-partner having to take an unfair settlement through making threats to proceed with a court hearing which can then lead to further exposure.

In April 2009, Journalists were allowed to sit in on most family law cases following many years of heated arguments.

Some family court judges also allowed a completely open court, however in some cases, where court cases involved the identity of a child or an adult who was vulnerable, the court would remain closed.

Many judges encourage transparency when it comes to the family courts but there are some who are against it which can lead to an increased level of inconsistency and conflicts.

There was one instance where Mr Justice Mostyn heavily criticised another judge known as Mr Justice Holman. He was criticised for giving his views on the restrictions put in place for the press because he believed that, that should only be granted access for a limited number of cases.

The issue is that there are no strict guidelines in place regarding what is allowed to be published and what isn’t which means that family law hearings and privacy applications do not ease the problem simply because the press can contest them.

Therefore, those high net worth couples who are considering separation, have to do all they can to ensure that their personal information is hidden from the eyes of the public through avoiding any court proceedings.

This can be made possible by family mediation or arbitration which enables both parties to come to a solution, whilst also avoiding any form of interest from the media.

This article was provided by family law specialists K J Smith Solicitors, an experienced family law firm operating in London, Reading, Henley-on-Thames, Guildford and Basingstoke.

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I want a Divorce – Contemplating Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

It is true that no two divorces are the same, but it is also true that there are some features and traits that run through the veins of most divorce processes.

If you find yourself thinking or stating, “I want a divorce,” or if you are contemplating divorce, here are some things that you need to keep in mind.

Firstly and in no particular order, it is very, very likely going to get rough.

I know of couples who start off their divorce process saying that they will not get into “it” but truth be told, you will at some point or other about one thing or another.

A divorcing friend once said to me, “Our divorce will not get as nasty as yours did,” but it did happen when it came to creating the parenting plan – a very common bone of contention in divorce.

Please, please, please keep in mind that this is quite normal in divorce. It is a fight and it may indeed become a full blown war. When this happens, don’t be surprised. It is part of the divorce process, as callous and dismissive as that sounds. But if you prepare yourself to see the worst side of your soon to be ex, then you will be better able to cope.

So get a good support system around you.  Someone or people who can be and remain objective as opposed to those who will only serve in fanning the flames of your anger, resentment and outrage. Someone who is comfortable enough to say to you, “Dont’ be silly, that’s a riduclous thing to say or do.”

Secondly, prepare to meet your worst side.

You will be astonished that you’re capable of the most awful thoughts, words and wishes than you ever thought yourself capable off.

You will utter the most awful things and you will have lethal and toxic emotions of the worst kind. Deal with them.

Accept that they are there but don’t let them govern, control or regulate your actions. Saying, “she made me do it,” will not cut it with the judge neither will “he asked for it!” The sooner you take responsibility for your own actions the better and the less frequently you will act upon them.

Just don’t make decisions when you are full of anger.  Leave it, sleep on it and keep in mind what Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”  Amen to that!

Thirdly, when the war erupts, don’t take it personally. Yes, I know, easier said than done, but I promise you, I

Contemplating divorce
When contemplating divorce, remember to keep the children out of it.

practised this during my second divorce and it helped PLENTY!  I still use it in my daily life and it turns out that it’s a very useful coping skill to have.

During the divorce process, you will fight and truth be told, you would behave in exactly the same way as your ex is if you were made of the same genes and had the same perspective and life experiences. He isn’t fighting you, he is fighting the situation.

She isn’t being hostile towards you per se, it is the situation, the divorce process, that is making her do so. In reality, she would behave the same way if you were Tom, Dick or Harry. It just happens to be you in the firing line or in the ring with her. And he would hate you just as much as he is now if you were Mary, Jane or Lucy – by the way is there the feminie equivalent of Tom, Dick and Harry?  I googled it but couldn’t find anything?

Fourthly, there are other ways of getting a divorce. The divorce process doesn’t have to involve divorce solicitors although, you may still need them at some point, especially if your are lucky enough to have a fairly amicable divorce.  Thankfully today, there are other ways round it. Think family mediation, collaborative law, McKenzie Friends or DIY through the courts. Find what suits you.

Fifth, as mentioned in previous point, get legal advice.  Many solicitors offer a 30 min free consultation. Prepare, prepare, prepare your questions in advance so you can cover as much as possible AND do take a friend with you because they will be better placed in retaining whatever information you get than you would be in this emotional time of your life . So two things, prepare whatever you need to know and take someone with you.

Sixth, remember to deal with your financial order. We have seen in recent times, Vince vs Wyatt, how not dealing with the your financial order and getting a clean break can come back to haunt you. Make sure you get it all done. All of it or as much of it as possible so nothing is left pending.

Seventh, the children have got nothing to do with your split yet everything to do with it. Please, please, please, keep your children out of it.

Look after them and don’t involve them in adult matters. They don’t need to know because they are unable to handle it. They don’t have the maturity to manage the situation. Instead contain their fears and anxieties.

Answer their questions as best as you can by using age appropriate vocabulary. Read up on the effects of divorce on children, why children need fathers or both parents and keep them in mind at all times as you create your age appropriate parenting plan.

If you are able to keep your children in mind, things fall into place because you have a focus, a focal point that is made up of the hearts, minds and wellbeing of the most important people in your life as you both are to them.

Divorce can get crazy and it usually does. Your soon to be ex becomes your enemy, the last person that you want to see or the last voice you want to hear. The mention of their name sends anger spasms through your body, mind and spirit.

For some, not all, but I dare say most, the divorce process does happen like this but it doesn’t have to stay this way.  You alone can control your side of things, your way of handling situations and how well your children cope with the divorce process.

Here are 3 Friedrich Nietzsche quotes that I hope will help in any way possible:

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.

There are no facts, only interpretations.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

It may not look like it now but there is life after divorce.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star-rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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co-parenting over Christmas

Tips on Co-parenting over Christmas – Part 2

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo

Child Trauma Therapist

Founder of The Divorce Magazine

For some, this will be your first Christmas as a divorced parent.

Some of you may have been through family mediation so have a plan all set out as to how you will be co-parenting during this time while some of you are wondering just how to work it out from here on.

Trick is to start with this first Christmas and if your co-parenting plan works out then stick to it until when you need to adjust it.

If it doesn’t work out this time, then you have 11 months to plan how to deal with it next time.

The best thing you can do for your children is to keep them in mind and find a plan that really, truly works for them.

If you’re struggling with reaching an agreement then do consider seeing a trained family mediaitor who can help both of you reach an agreement that works for you.

Anyway, here are some co-parenting ideas that you could try this Christmas.

  • If there is great distance between you and your ex, distance as in geographical not emotional, then you might want to consider alternating Christmas holidays i.e. one year your partner has them over the entire holidays and then next year you have them.  This has worked very, very well in my case.  If you are the one without the children then please do plan what you will do with your time. You will miss the terribly of course, so make sure you have not only a plan but also a support system around you.  Then remember that next year it will be you spending the holidays with your little ones.
  • If you are close enough to walk or drive then consider splitting the day itself.  I met an adult who said that this was how it worked in her family and her and her sister loved it because they got to not only see both parents and extended family on Christmas day, but they got to open two sets of presents too! They would start by having Christmas lunch with their father and then dinner with their mum.
  • Another way of alternating is that one of you has the children on the day itself, i.e. 25th and then the other on 26th and the next year you alternate, you have them on the 25th and your ex-partner has them on the 26th
  • Maybe you could have them on 24th, Christmas eve and do a whole Christmas dinner with other family members e.g. grandparents, open the gifts and truly celebrate and in the morning they could then go off to your ex-spouse home and do the whole thing again with his family

Whichever way you decided to go, put yourself and your emotions to one side, then go off and vent to one of your friends or family if need be but allow the children to go and enjoy Christmas with their mother or their father whatever the case may be.  Make it about them only.  They will thank you, maybe not today or tomorrow but they will one day.

[You can find part oner by clicking here]

Warm holiday hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce and the creator of the five-star rated online parenting course Raising Children of Divorce. 

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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How to End a Marriage?

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Joan bishop has been a family mediator for the past 15 years.

She herself is from a fractured family, a process she still recalls vividly to this day, when she had to give evidence at her parents divorce at the age of 13 years.  Thankfully children of divorce don’t need to be involved in this way anymore during the divorce process.

Previously Joan worked with in the field of adoption and fostering where she picked up a lot of the skills and techniques she uses today in family mediation specifically, the importance of a positive ending and new beginnings.

Joan holds an MSc in Mediation and Conflict Resolution from the Institute of Family Therapy, University of London.

The interviews below are so important for those in the midst of divorce or those wondering how to end a marriage as amicably as possible.

Joan talks about how to establish a new way of communicating from here on, especially where there are children of divorce concerned and parents are trying to create parenting plans that will work for them and their children.  She encourages couples to keep in mind that whatever happened is now in the past.  Moving on to a better life after divorce and creating a positive and conducive environment for children of divorce will indeed help in reducing any negative and long term effects of divorce of children.  One of the things that needs to be done to move on to new beginnings is we need to acknowledge the pain and difficulty that each person is feeling.

Coping with divorce or coping and dealing with divorce is made more manageable a process when people understand certain things about how they came to be where they are, that everyone holds their own version of the truth and that the pain experienced by the leaver and the left are indeed quite different.

Joan’s process of how to end a marriage is strutured and was created on Future Focused therapy and narrative mediation

During the mediation process, Joan provides the couples space to talk about things they really know about, which is about their relationship, they become settled and able to talk about things they feel they need to and this then decreases their anxiety.

Joan is head of mediation at www.familypartnermediation.com – 07765 886 552  – info@familypartnermediation.co.uk

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How to Get Divorced – Where to get Divorce Papers?

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Which divorce forms and where to get divorce papers from?

We have so far looked at the importance of getting the financial order or financial agreement in place, how to get divorced and now we look at where to get divorce papers from.

The divorce forms are different for each basis or case and you can download the necessary divorce papers from here https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

What if we have nothing to “fight” about financially, we still need a financial order or a clean break order? Yes you do.

How long does the divorce process take? About 5 – 6 months if all is well.

What is the form E? Horrible form that’s a bit like an income tax form! It’s a form you have to complete in relation to financial proceedings. So if you’re going through financial proceedings relating to your divorce or ending of your civil partnership you have to provide full details in relations to your personal and financial circumstances and to provide lots of supporting financial documents that go with it.

Form E is completed during the family mediation process during the financial disclosure stage. At the end of the day, what the court will need is a summary of this information, i.e. each person’s full financial standing and this is required on what is called a D81 otherwise known as a Statement of information for a Financial Consent Remedy Order!

Completing this particular divorce form is crucial as it allows the divorce judge to look at the proposed order against that form and decide whether that order should be approved or not.

Without that background information he or she cannot make any decisions as to whether that financial order or financial agreement is correct.

Sometimes you won’t get your decree absolute until your finances have been sorted because by having your decree absolute you’re no longer husband and wife. This means that if there are pensions involved it’s important that until all of the finances have been resolved that you don’t have your decree absolute. So don’t rush into headlong finalising your divorce until you have sorted out your finances.

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

www.independentlegalservices.info

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How to Get Divorced – The Divorce Papers

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Following on from Caroline Saunders’ previous interview on the importance of getting a financial order in place, this interview focuses on the necessary divorce papers that you will need as you go about filing for divorce.

Caroline Saunders is a  Family lawyer and keen supporter of family mediation.  She is the founder of Independent Legal Services  where she helps couples complete their divorce papers and drafting the all important financial order agreement.

Couples can do their own divorce but after down loading the divorce forms online and do the actual divorce part Caroline will check them and most importantly will also draft their financial order which she does from Memorandum of Understanding that their family mediator will have prepared.

This document, the Memorandum of Understanding, sets out the background to their case and the details of the agreement that they have reached.


Caroline also drafts another very important document which is a financial document which is a summary of their financial and personal circumstances. Both documents are required by the court.

The making of the financial order is not a rubber stamping operation. It goes before a judge whose role is to be a judge and not just to stamp documents. This means that he or she will check through the draft of the financial order against the financial summary and personal summary to see whether in his or her opinion, that order is practical, workable and most importantly fair.

If the agreement seems unfair and/or the judge has some questions, the judge will contact the couple so that they can clarify any issues but should the agreement be clearly unworkable it will be rejected.

What are the grounds for divorce or the reasons for divorce? There’s only one which is that the marriage has irretrievably broken down but you have to substantiate that on the basis of one of the following further five reasons for divorce:

 

  1. Unreasonable behaviour
  2. Sexual relationship with someone else
  3. Lived apart for the period of two years and the other party consents
  4. Lived apart for a period of two years because the other party has left the marriage
  5. You’ve lived apart for 5 years

 

The divorce forms are different for each basis or case and you can download the necessary divorce papers from here https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

 

 

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How to File for Divorce: The Financial Order

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What is a financial order? It’s part of the divorce procedure. A financial order or a clean break order as it’s otherwise known, regulates such aspects of the financial agreement as spousal maintenance or alimony, payment for a capital sum or a lump sum, provide for a sale of a property or a transfer of a property and also a pension sharing order.

Caroline Saunders is the founder of Independent Legal Services which compliments family mediation. She takes the mystery out of the divorce process by helping you complete your divorce papers and make them legally binding.

When you have successfully gone through family mediation and you have a settlement agreement on all matters relating to finances, Caroline is there to help you formalise that agreement.

Unless you have a clean break order or financial consent order no matter how long you’ve been divorced, as seen in the Wyatt and Vince case, one or other of the parties can come back and ask to apply for a financial order.

Ideally when you go through your divorce process or end your civil partnership, as part of the settlement agreement you should have a financial order that deals with every aspect of the financial side of your marriage.

What happened to one of Caroline’s clients when they didn’t finalise their financial agreement? What happens when there is no court order?

A lot of couples assume that once there is a divorce that’s it but it’s is only the ending of the marriage it’s not the ending of the financial relationship between them.

How important is it to have your financial agreement. You must, must have that put into a court order.

 Independent Legal Services does this. When you have a couple that have reached agreement in relation to a divorce or civil partnership, I’m there effectively to help with all the form filling but most importantly to draft the financial order.

The financial order is what gives you a proper clean break.

If you reach an agreement together, you still will need somebody with specialised family law knowledge, preferably a family lawyer, to look at that agreement and say if it ‘s going to work in practice.

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

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Can you be Friends with Your Ex?

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Nevine Bentley of Facilitate Family Mediation
Nevine Bentley of Facilitate Family Mediation

In this two part interview, I speak with Nevine Bentley of  Facilitate Family Mediation in Farnham, Surrey about life after divorce and if you can be friends with an ex.

What is great about this interview is that Nevine who used to practice as a family lawyer speaks frankly and candidly about her divorce journey.  She shares her divorce story with us from start to life after divorce.

She and her ex-husband are now good friends but it wasn’t always that way and she admits that it was mainly due to her resentment and anger driven behaviour. Coping with divorce as a single parent wasn’t easy at all, something that most of us can indeed relate to.

Nevine and Roy were married for 22 years when the marriage ended but although it was her choice to leave, it took her 10 years to eventually gather her guts and courage to say it.  It was an extremely difficult time and had to have professional help just for her to bring herself to tell Roy it was over.

Once this was done, she then had to face her friends and family with the news.  Some reactions were indeed as expected but some not so and these unforeseen reactions came from the most unlikely source.

How and why did a 22 year marriage fall apart?  What were the reasons for divorce?

In part 2 of the video, Nevine talks about how she coped during those 10 years of waiting to leave and why she waited so long.  She also talks about how friends can be helped to cope and how they in turn can help you in coping with divorce.

There are two experiences that most divorced people experience.  The first is the social side of going out on your own as a newly single person.

Some of the comments that Nevine got both from male and female friends are indeed hilarious.

The other side of the experience is the whole stigma of divorce and how it plays a role in your social circle as well as personal life.

What has now become my favourite divorce quote is something Nevine says in part two of “Can you be Friends with your Ex?”:

“Even if I really didn’t like the way he behaved with me as my husband or he wasn’t the perfect choice for me anymore, it didn’t mean he wasn’t the perfect choice for the kids because for them he’s their only dad, he was their hero. They didn’t care whether he forgot their school shoes at his house or whatever, they just knew that they love dad.”

Nevine’s divorce story on coping with divorce and dealing with life after divorce is real, honest and straightforward.

Here are the interview videos on “Can you be Friends with your EX?”

So, can you be friends with your ex or are you friends with your ex?

Do you think being friends with your ex is possible or even a good thing?

Nevine is a Resolution trained family mediator and runs her own dedicated mediation practice in Farnham. Nevine brings both this training and a background in law to give fair and balanced assistance to both partners in all aspects of divorce and separation including arrangements for children and finances.

Nevine is able to sensitively bring down barriers and encourage effective communication between separating couples and navigate them to explore options to find mutually acceptable solutions to the issues which remain unresolved between them.

 Nevine is qualified to undertake Mediation Information Assessment Meetings (MIAMs)

 Nevine is able to offer out of hours appointments seven days a week. She is a member of Resolution and The Family Mediation Council and The Collaborative Family Law Group (http://collaborativelawgroup.co.uk/content/group)

 

 

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