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Navigating Divorce with Grace: Insights into Collaborative Law

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Embarking on the journey of divorce or separation can be daunting, but there are alternative methods to traditional litigation that prioritise cooperation and mutual agreement. In this exclusive Q&A session, we sit down with Charlotte Bradley, an esteemed expert from Kingsley Napley, to delve into the world of Collaborative Law.

Discover insights, tips, and invaluable advice on how Collaborative Law can pave the way for amicable resolutions and a smoother transition during challenging times.

What is collaborative law/practice?

Collaborative family law (or practice) is a way in which a separating couple can, on a consensual basis, resolve issues without court proceedings.  You, your former partner/spouse and your respective lawyers all work together to resolve the various matters arising from separation, including the financial issues and the arrangements for any children.

How does it work?

Each client appoints a collaborative lawyer and the couple and their lawyers then consider the issues which should be addressed, and also which professionals to involve, for example a child specialist to consider the child arrangements, counsellors to support the parties and a financial professional to help with future financial planning. The lawyers and clients sign an agreement in which they all agree not to go to court and instead there is a series of meetings in which a transparent and open dialogue is encouraged. While each lawyer is representing their respective client, the professionals and the couple strive to work together as a team, with the joint aim of avoiding court proceedings. If either party decides they must go to court to obtain a final decision, then each of the couple need to instruct new lawyers.

How does it differ from other ADR options (such as mediation)?

Mediation uses a similar model of face to face meetings, but a mediator is not representing either of the couple. Although they can provide lots of information about options (the court process etc), the mediator is unable to advise on the likely outcome of any proposed settlement. For most family mediation, lawyers tend not to be in attendance (although increasingly, hybrid mediation where the lawyers are in attendance is becoming more common). Some individuals prefer the support of having a lawyer with them in meetings to help discuss and negotiate the various issues as happens in collaborative law.

What are the advantages?

Each client has the support of their trained collaborative lawyer who contracts with the couple to act in a constructive way and are encouraged to put all the family’s (including any children’s interests) at the forefront. For clients who feel insecure about attending mediation without their lawyer next to them (for example if there is a significant disparity in financial knowledge or bargaining power), collaborative law can be a good option as they can seek advice and support throughout albeit the advice that their lawyer gives is more transparent and negotiations should be less polarised than in the traditional court model. The possibility of counselling input and expert assistance around the children’s needs is actively encouraged. The flexibility of the process also enables other professionals to be brought in when needed, for example it is not unusual to bring in a financial planner and other professionals to help consider the future finances for the family including cash flow modelling, options around pensions etc.

What are the downsides?

Collaborative law is not suitable for everyone, and best serves couples who show a commitment to finding a solution to the various issues themselves but with legal support and advice. It is also only suitable for those who expect to give full and frank disclosure about their respective financial positions and other circumstances. Sometimes, if one of the couple wishes to delay the divorce (for example they intentionally postpone meetings etc), the collaborative process can be slow and costs can increase so careful managing of the process is required (and the lawyers and the couple need to be confident that the process is right for them before signing up). The collaborative agreement, requiring couples to change lawyers if the process breaks down and they want to go to court, can sometimes concern potential clients but that disqualification clause is important to encourage the couple and their lawyers to have the right solution focused mindset, to enable non-polarised negotiation and to resolve the issues.

Do you still have to go to court at the end?

No one needs to attend court and if agreement is reached, the collaborative lawyers can transfer the financial agreement into a draft consent order which is lodged at court (with financial summaries) for the judge to approve. It is also common in collaborative law (as it is in mediation) for the couple to prepare and sign a parenting plan setting out the arrangements for the children (although that is not routinely lodged at court).

How long does it take and how much does it cost?

Both answers depend on the issues to be resolved and how engaged the couple (and their lawyers) are to reaching a resolution. If they are committed to the process, and regular ‘four way’ meetings are diarised without delay in between, then collaborative law can be very quick as there is no court timetable applying. Or sometimes one or both of the couple can take time to come to terms with the breakdown of the marriage and resolve the various issues and need more time between four way meetings to reflect and to take advice from their collaborative lawyer. As to costs, they can vary depending on the amount of meetings and how complicated the issues are as the costs will depend on the amount of time the two lawyers spend on the collaborative case (typically based on their hourly rates). It can often be cheaper if the couple bring other professionals to assist on key areas (eg on the child arrangements or for cash flow modelling).

What else can it be used for (eg pre-nups)?

Collaborative law is very flexible and can be used in all areas of potential family dispute. It is particularly effective when couples are discussing the terms of a prenuptial or cohabitation agreement – so that each of them are having clear and transparent discussions with shared professional advice about their future plans and intentions, critical in my experience as different approaches on money and children can cause problems in a marriage or long- term relationship.

Is it a US import? What has changed in the last 20 years in the way it is used here?

So I did the first training in Europe just over 20 years ago (collaborative law having first started in the US and Canada), and with others, helped establish collaborative practice in the UK. What has changed is that we are more aware of the need to bring in non- legal professionals into the collaborative process (eg child specialists and counsellors) to really focus on the solutions for families on separation, with the law being only one small part.

How does it fit with clogged family courts, no-fault divorce, and other modern family law /societal trends?

Collaborative law is one of the now established methods of non-court resolution and, along with other non-court processes (like mediation) is actively encouraged by the government and the judiciary. Following the introduction of no-fault divorce two years ago to help reduce conflict between divorcing couples, there is strong encouragement for couples to resolve their differences without attending court, to reduce cost, the pressure on the court system and also to help avoid the effects of conflict on children which can be caused by long legal battles. And as new court rules come into law on 29 April 2024 to ensure that all couples consider non-court options such as mediation and collaborative law, collaborative practice is likely to be something that becomes of more interest to separating couples in the years to come.

Read more articles by Kingsley Napley.

About Charlotte Bradley

Charlotte Bradley is a Consultant and former head of the Family team at Kingsley Napley LLP. She advises on all aspects of family law, particularly issues to do with finances and children. She is author of the respected legal textbook on Schedule 1 cases. She is also an accredited mediator and collaborative lawyer, often working with high profile and high net worth couples keen to resolve their separation in private.

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Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach
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Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach

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Sushma Kotecha
Sushma Kotecha
Family Mediator, Holistic Divorce Life Coach &
Mind-Body Practitioner
Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching

Hello there,

Divorce can feel like sailing through stormy seas, can’t it? Emotions are swirling, and finding your way forward can seem daunting. But amidst the turbulence, there’s a guiding light: a holistic approach to divorce and separation.

Understanding Holistic Divorce

Let’s break it down. Holistic divorce isn’t just about legal proceedings; it’s about tending to your emotional, physical and mental well-being too. It recognises that divorce impacts every aspect of your life and seeks to address those impacts comprehensively.

Imagine this: instead of battling it out in court, you and your ex-partner give mediation a go and sit down with a mediator to find common ground. This approach not only saves time and money but also reduces stress and promotes cooperation. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

But holistic divorce goes even deeper. It prioritises the emotional health of everyone in the family, especially the children. Through coaching, counselling, and therapy, families can navigate the emotional challenges of divorce with support and guidance.

The Power of Compassion

Now, here’s where the real magic happens. Compassion is your compass through this journey. It means extending kindness to yourself and even to your ex-partner, despite the hurt and anger you may be feeling.

Practicing compassion isn’t easy, especially when emotions are running high. But it can be the key to healing old wounds and finding closure. By letting go of resentment and embracing forgiveness, you free yourself from the weight of the past and open yourself up to a brighter future.

Practical Guidance for Holistic Healing

Let’s get practical. Self-care is your secret weapon here. Whether it’s carving out time for yoga, journaling, or simply taking a walk in nature, prioritise activities that nourish your soul. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure to take care of yourself first.

And when kids are in the picture, co-parenting becomes crucial. Keep communication open and always prioritise their well-being. Remember, they’re going through their own emotional journey too, so be patient and understanding.

In conclusion, embracing a holistic approach to divorce is like stepping into the light after a long night. It’s about finding strength in vulnerability and paving the way for a brighter future. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. With the right support and guidance, you can navigate this challenging time with compassion and clarity.

About Sushma Kotecha

Sushma Kotecha, an accredited family mediator, certified holistic life coach, mind-body practitioner, and author of ‘Holistic Divorce: Sh*t Happens, It’s How You Deal With It That Counts’ is a passionate advocate for empowering individuals navigating through challenging life transitions.

With over 30 years of professional experience in the divorce sector and a deep understanding of family law and mediation, she founded Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching to provide a truly transformative and compassionate approach to divorce and separation. As a divorcee herself, she fully comprehends the emotional trauma of this journey, and is committed to helping individuals create harmonious post-divorce lives.

Her mission is to inspire and empower separating couples to stay out of court, take stock, and make well-informed, mindful decisions. By embracing a holistic approach encompassing the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual toll of separation and divorce, her clients can heal, thrive, and build stronger connections with their children and family members.

She offers a range of services, including personalised online divorce life coaching, mediation, communication support, and co-parenting guidance. By integrating her legal expertise, accredited mediation skills, mind-body practitioner, and holistic life coaching qualifications, she delivers a service that sets her clients on a path towards healing, growth, and renewed purpose.

Sushma is deeply passionate about helping people going through separation and/or divorce. By working together, they embark on a transformative journey, where she guides them to navigate the legal aspects of divorce while nurturing their emotional and spiritual well-being.

Throughout her career, Sushma had the privilege of positively impacting the lives of countless individuals, providing them with the tools and support to emerge stronger and more resilient. As a finalist at the Leicestershire Business Awards 2022 in the category of ‘Entrepreneur of the Year’, the Niche Business Awards 2023 in the category of ‘Best New Business of the Year’ and ‘Family Mediator of the Year’ in the British Family Law Awards 2024, she takes immense pride in the success of Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching.

You can find Sushma and stay connected through her website where you’ll discover valuable resources and insights to guide you through your separation and/or divorce journey. For her personal story click here.

Stay connected with Sushma on social media platforms by following her on X, Instagram, and LinkedIn for regular updates, inspirations, and a glimpse into the world of holistic mediation and divorce life coaching.

Sushma looks forward to walking alongside you on this transformative path, offering compassion, guidance, and support as you embrace the next chapter of your life with clarity and resilience.

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No Fault divorce is a good start - but what more can be done to support children whose parents are separating?
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No Fault Divorce is a Good Start – But What More Can Be Done to Support Children Whose Parents are Separating?

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Matt Buttery
Matt Buttery
CEO
Triple P UK & Ireland Ltd

Before 2021, couples seeking divorce risked getting caught up in a blame game, unable to separate unless one party was deemed to be at fault. Now, through ‘no- fault’ divorce, the first major reform to divorce since 1970, couples are able to separate more amicably, without finger pointing and conflict.

The implications of this for families, and in particular children, are significant. In a 2018 YouGov poll, 79% of respondents agreed that conflict arising from divorce negatively affects children’s mental health. By allowing parents to admit the marriage has simply run its course, children feel less torn between the two, without the pressure of taking sides with the parent who has been ‘wronged’.

But the legal system is still not perfect for families, and support for the children of separating parents continues to fall short.

With half of all children coming from separated households, and the effects of divorce on children well cited, it is crucial that we ensure the system works in the best way possible to help children grow up happy and healthy.

Recently, the Government suggested that mediation becomes mandatory in all suitable low level family court cases, excluding, of course, those including allegations or a history of domestic violence. This, alongside the current MoJ consultation, will help the legal system improve to better protect children from witnessing their parents work out family disputes in court. But there is still more that can be done to diffuse proceedings and reduce the conflict involved.

One of the biggest changes we all need to address is in language. Language matters – 99% of family professionals said small changes in language used in the divorce proceedings could make a big difference to a child’s experience.

This is because lots of the vocabulary used currently furthers the animosity between parents by pitting them against each other. Words such as ‘battles’, ‘versus’, ‘fight’, ‘opponent’, ‘dispute’ and impersonal references to ‘the child’ are not conducive to nurturing collaborative solutions.

Making the language softer, by using first names for example, shifts the discussions towards finding a joint solution that is best for the whole family. This is something the Family Solutions Group have been calling for, a campaign we are firmly supporting.

At Triple P, this is something we are conscious of too – our programme to support parents going through separation and/or divorce is purposefully named ‘Family Transitions’, helping the couple understand their divorce as a familial change, and not as a fracture.

Language and communication are of course important between family members as well. It is imperative for the way children process a separation, that parents are offered support. This is an upsetting time for the couple and it can be hard for them to know how to communicate what is happening with their family. Evidence-based parenting programmes that focus on family communication and co-parenting help parents develop the skills to resolve conflicts with former partners, as well as supporting their child(ren) and helping to build a new family identity.

By helping children understand as much as possible about what is happening, you help them process the situation and reassure them they are still important and loved. Not only this, a strong relationship between parents post-divorce will help them co-parent effectively after the separation.

Programmes such as Family Transitions work, and support better outcomes for families.  The challenge is how to make them accessible to the number of families that might benefit.  Current investment by the Department of Work and Pensions into the Reducing Parental Conflict programme has gone some way towards this. However, we need more scalable routes such as remote and self-directed online versions of these programmes – and at the end of the day they all cost money to access.

One thought is to widen the scope of the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme to allow these vouchers to be spent on parenting programmes. We believe in the importance of mediation, but also know the emotional readiness to engage is critical to its success. Expanding the scope of the voucher scheme to allow attendance at an evidence-based co-parenting programme alongside mediation, will help to support parents, allowing them to better engage with the separation process. By making these vouchers accessible prior to the filing of the C100 too, mediation and parenting programmes will be genuinely helpful, rather than becoming a tick-box on the way to court.

The family courts are moving in the right direction, with the no-fault divorce and the shift to mandatory mediation being the latest successes for parents and children. But there are still changes that need to be made. For any child, the separation of their parents can be tough. We need to ensure that the process affects them as little as possible by taking the ‘battle’ out of it, and ensuring parents are supported with proven tools so that everyone is given the best chance to understand and adapt to the new family situation.

About Matt Buttery

Matt is the CEO of Triple P UK & Ireland and holds responsibility for the dissemination of the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program® across the UK and Ireland. He is a passionate advocate of using evidence-based practice to help families and communities develop strong, healthy relationships and resilience.

Matt has held various senior roles in the voluntary, statutory and private sectors. He has influenced and implemented health and social care policy across government and held senior positions in charities. He is an Honorary Associate Professor in Family and Parenting Practice and Policy at the University of Warwick, Chair of the Island of Ireland Parenting Network, and is a spokesperson on children and family issues, appearing in national and local media.

Matt previously fostered for over 10 years, and is a former Trustee of the UK National Academy for Parenting Practitioners (NAPP).

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Why Court Should be the Last Resort When Divorcing

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Lisa-Marie
Lisa-Marie Leanders
Partner
Nelsons Solicitors

At the beginning of 2022, it was predicted that divorce rates could surge by more than 50% in the UK. The impact of pandemic lockdowns, pressures due to the cost of living increases and changes in legislation such as the no-fault divorce, could all be contributing factors to this.

A top judge has recently raised the issue that around one-fifth of divorces are wrongly ending up in court, which results in a lengthy legal process that could be harmful for those involved. Here, we discuss how the courts can be avoided when obtaining a divorce.

Going to court can be a grizzly affair that can leave both parties worse off than if they avoided it altogether. And contrary to what might seem typical, there are other, better ways to facilitate separation from a spouse than by ending up in the courtroom. Here are some top tips to avoiding the courts during divorce proceedings:

Explore the other options open to you

Family mediation has the aim of encouraging separating couples to sit down together, work out solutions to the financial and/or children-based issues that can arise as part of a divorce, and reach an amicable agreement that suits both parties.

Other processes that can be used to avoid court are collaborative law, where each party selects a specialist family solicitor and engages in a series of four-way meetings to try to reach an agreement. Another process is arbitration, which involves the couple agreeing to put their case to an arbitrator who is appointed to settle the matters in dispute, much like a judge.

There are a number of advantages to pursuing alternative dispute resolution methods and keeping matters out of court. Firstly, it can help all members of the family unit – including, most importantly, the children – move on to the next stage of their lives more quickly.  Secondly, it is not as adversarial as court processes can be, meaning it’s more likely that the parties will be able to maintain important family relationships after the divorce is concluded.

Communication is key

It is normal to feel intense emotions when going through a divorce, but it is important to try and keep these out of the proceedings. Clear communication throughout helps to ensure court can be avoided in order to reach an amicable and swift separation agreement.

Shortening the process also means there’s less time and opportunities for unpleasant feelings to develop and grow, making it easier to move on from the divorce and keep a level of civility which is particularly important for any dependents..

Be realistic

It’s important to understand that by avoiding court, it is the parties who achieve their own settlement. As such, this offers couples peace of mind that, from the very beginning of the process to the conclusion, they are in charge and retain an element of control over the outcome.

However, it is also important for the client to have realistic expectations of what they are entitled to during divorce proceedings, to ensure a swifter agreement is reached, without needing to take it to court. If you are unsure of what to expect, it can be a good idea to talk to a legal professional before the divorce proceedings or any financial negotiations start.

Ultimately, avoiding litigation can help to settle differences without the hostility that can be brought about by court proceedings, which is especially important if there are children involved, as well as providing a quicker process to help the couple move forward with their lives.

Click here for more articles by Lisa-Marie

About Lisa-Marie

Lisa-Marie is a Partner and Solicitor. She qualified as a Solicitor in 2003, was part of the Nelsons’ expert Family Law team from 2010 to 2016 and rejoined the team in December 2020.

Lisa-Marie specialises in family law and advises on divorce and financial settlements which involve complex issues and substantial assets. She also advises on pre and postnuptial agreements, separation agreements and cohabitation agreements along with private law Children Act disputes. Lisa-Marie is a qualified collaborative practitioner.

 

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What rights does the father have during divorce
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What rights does the father have during divorce?

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Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith

This may come as something of a shock, but neither parent has any rights over their child. The child has rights over their parents, and this includes the right to see both, one or neither of them. In the real world, the default assumption is that the child benefits from having reasonable access to both parents. The term “reasonable” however, has to be defined on a case-by-case basis

Parental agreements and contact orders

There are basically only two ways the terms of “reasonable contact” can be agreed. Firstly, the parents can agree it between themselves. Secondly, a court can issue a contact order. Even in the latter case, there will generally be some leeway for parents to work out the details themselves. This is to allow for the fact that “life happens”.

Fathers should, however, be aware that a court will only issue a contact order if it thinks it’s in the best interests of the child. The potential stumbling block here is the need to maintain the child’s safety and welfare during the contact.

For example, if a father is living in an HMO (sharehouse), the court might have concerns about the child coming into contact with the other residents. There might, however, be ways around this such as meeting the child in their own home.

The overall consideration of the child’s welfare

Modern courts most certainly recognize that, in general, children benefit from time with their father. On the other hand, courts also recognize that fathers are not the be-all and end-all of a child’s life. Other considerations may include the child’s age, where the parents live, the need for contact with other family and friends and the child’s schooling and extra-curricular activities.

These will all impact the practicalities of fathers seeing their children. For example, if parents live a long way away from each other, courts may be very reluctant to allow children to visit the father’s home during the week, at least during term-time. School will come first. Even outside of term-time, courts may hesitate to have children regularly travelling long distances.

Again, there can be ways to work around this. For example, fathers can maintain contact with their children through video-calling (or regular calling). This may not be ideal, but it can be a whole lot better than nothing. What’s more, COVID19 has shown that a bit of thought (and some creativity) can make video-meetings almost as good as real ones.

The rules and etiquette of post-divorce parenting

You have the right to spend time with your child without infringement and without the other parent exercising control over you or the child (either directly or indirectly). You also have the right to be consulted on major decisions such as where your child goes to school.

Be aware, however, that this right is contextual. For example, if a decision needs to be taken in a hurry, the other parent may act alone. Where possible, they should consider what they know of your views. As always, however, the child’s welfare is the guiding consideration.

You do not have the right to take the child out of the UK without written permission from the mother. You do have the right to free speech so, in principle, you can say what you like about the child’s mother. In practice, this is one right it’s generally better not to exercise.

Click here for more articles by Kerry Smith

About Kerry Smith

Kerry Smith is the Head of Family Law at K J Smith Solicitors. K J Smith Solicitors are experienced family solicitors in the Thames Valley area specialising in family mediation, estate planning and divorce and separation.

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Divorce and Wills 101 - What are the different types of Wills available

Divorce and Wills 101 – What are the Different Types of Wills Available?

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Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith

When most people think about Wills, it’s usually the more traditional Will that is created to ensure that their estate and assets are treated and/or shared appropriately when an individual passes away.

There are, however, several different types of Wills that people should be aware of as they can benefit them in many different ways, before and after death.

So here’s a useful breakdown of the different types of Wills.

Mirror Wills

A Mirror Will is similar to that of a normal Will, however a Mirror Will involves your other half in which you both create a will that shares the same wishes in the Will, hence it mirrors.

This type of Will can provide couples (married or not) with some reassurance that should the other person pass away, their assets and belongings will be passed on to their spouse. When the individuals both pass away, the Mirror Will allows for their belongings to be inherited by their children.

Key features of Mirror Wills

  • A Mirror Will can be changed and updated at any time, even after the death of one of the couple; the other person is still able to change their Mirror Will to suit their new circumstances.
  • Upon the first person’s death, everything that is left to the other spouse will be exempt from Inheritance tax.
  • If your children are under the age of 18, you can add a ‘Guardian Clause’ to the Mirror Will which acts as an indication to the courts, of who you like to look after your children upon the death of the parents.

Living Wills

A Living Will is quite different to a traditional Will as the purpose of this Will is to include details of medical treatments an individual does and does not wish to receive should they become subject to a life-altering disease or injury which prevents them from making decisions by themselves.

There are quite a few aspects of the Living Will that have to be achieved in order for it to be ‘valid’ and ‘applicable’. Both of these requirements have to be met in order for the Living Will to be deemed legally binding.

Key features of Living Wills

  • To ensure your Living Will is first valid, you must be 18 or older, have mental capacity and have a complete understanding of the types of treatment (even life-sustaining) that you are choosing NOT to receive and the possible consequences – regardless of whether other people agree or not.
  • Reviewing your Living Will regularly is incredibly important to ensure you still agree with the statements you first once made and treatments you have denied receiving.
  • A Living Will only becomes ‘applicable’ when the specified conditions have been met, that are included within your Living Will. This could be, if you have a stroke, heart attack or no longer have mental capacity.

Create a Will from the comfort of your home

The current pandemic has caused all types of panic and mayhem and one thing that has never been more important is actually creating a Will. Unfortunately, a huge 60% of people in the UK do not have a Will and this can cause disagreements within families.

To ensure this doesn’t happen to you, especially people who are considered vulnerable, some Family Law Firms have created a new process which allows individuals to create a Will from the comfort of their home.

Known as Window Witnessing your Will, this new concept allows for the person creating the Will and their chosen witnesses to come together, in a socially distanced fashion to sign the Will.

Click here for more articles by Kerry Smith

Author Bio

Kerry Smith is the Head of Family Law at K J Smith Solicitors. K J Smith Solicitors are experienced family solicitors in the Thames Valley area specialising in family mediation, Wills divorce and separation.

Photo by Melinda Gimpel on Unsplash

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Divorce: What Happens when the Woman is the main Breadwinner
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Divorce: What Happens when the Woman is the main Breadwinner?

Published on
Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith Solicitors

In legal terms, divorce is, essentially, the ending of a contract and ideally the parties should work together to bring it to an amicable close, or at the very least, a civil one which both people accept as being reasonably fair.

In the real world, however, divorce can be an unpleasantly sticky mess which family courts have to clean up as best as they can.

The basic ground rules of divorce in the UK

The number one ground rule of divorce in the UK is that if a couple has minor children, their perceived welfare comes before every other consideration.

Family courts will not necessarily give the children exactly what they want (although judges will generally do everything they can to take this into consideration) but they will do everything in their power to provide them with what they need, even if it goes against the wishes of their parents.

After that, the aim of the process is basically to try to create a fair split (literally and metaphorically) so that both parties can move on with their lives.

The question of fairness

In England and Wales, traditionally, it has been considered fair to aim to split assets equally between both parties, regardless of which one was the breadwinner.

It has also been considered fair to order the breadwinner keep the other party indefinitely, so-called “lifelong maintenance”.

Up until relatively recently, this approach, was, arguably, if not necessarily fair, then very far from totally unreasonable. It recognized the fact that the party who “stayed at home with the children” (usually the woman) was making a contribution to the marriage and made it possible for the other half of the couple (usually the man) to go out to work.

It also recognized that younger children required care and that by the time they were old enough to fend for themselves, their carer (usually their mother) might struggle to find a decent job, especially if they had neither trade skills nor education.

That, however, was then, this is now. Women are not just able to work, they are the main breadwinners in about a third of households in the UK and marriages do not necessarily involve children.

In short, the world has moved on and the legal system needs to move on with it.

Laws and attitudes both need to change

In principle there should be absolutely no difference in what happens when a woman is the main breadwinner and what happens when a man is the main breadwinner.

The law itself makes no distinction between these two situations, the challenge is to change attitudes amongst those who apply it (who tend to be people who are middle-aged and older) so that they become less inclined to see women as being automatically in need of protection (meaning maintenance) and men as being necessarily always able to provide for themselves (and possibly others) on an indefinite basis.

The good news is that this change does appear to be trickling through, albeit possibly at a slower pace than some people would have liked.

The Maria Mills case, for example, has highlighted both the issues of the traditional open-ended maintenance system and the fact that judges are becoming more willing to push back on people, including women, who view it as a “meal ticket for life” and who therefore see themselves as entitled to depend on their former partner financially even though their children are adults and they, themselves, are quite capable of working.

Click here for more articles by Kerry Smith

 About Kerry

Kerry Smith is the Head of Family Law at K J Smith Solicitors. K J Smith Solicitors are experienced family solicitors in the Thames Valley area specialising in family mediation, estate planning and divorce and separation.

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top 10 articles to help start the divorce process.

Top 10 Articles to Help Start the Divorce Process

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If you’re currently considering filing for a divorce or are just at the start of the divorce process, here are some articles that we believe will help you along the way.

The Divorce Magazine has several accessible, informative and essential legal articles that will help start the divorce process and beyond.  The vast majority of our articles are authored by qualified divorce professionals who are always willing to speak with you should you have any questions.

The most common question we get is from those of you who have lost your original marriage certificate and are wondering how to get a divorce without a marriage certificate; here are two articles that may help:  Can I get Divorced Without my Lost Marriage Certificate UK? and Lost your Marriage Certificate?

Again, if you have any questions on how to start the divorce process without your marriage certificate, please do get in touch with the solicitors who have contributed the articles. We are sure they will be able to help you.

Here are links to Top 10 Articles to Help Start the Divorce Process:

  1. How the Divorce Process Works
  2. What are the Grounds for Divorce in the UK?
  3. How to get Divorced – The Divorce Papers
  4. What Is The Average Cost Of Divorce?
  5. Pension Sharing on Divorce
  6. What is a Financial Order and why you MUST get one
  7. Can I get an Online Divorce?
  8. Divorce Proceedings and Financial Applications Uncoupled
  9. Family Mediation Definition and What to Expect
  10. What you need to know about Collaborative Divorce 

It is often said that January is the “Divorce Season”, whether this is the case on not truly depends on whom you ask, but here is an article on “Six-step Formula to Surviving the ‘Divorce Season’

The Divorce Magazine is all about helping couples going through divorce, as well as those going through separation, do so in the most amicable, cost effective way. We will therefore, never publish any article that we deem to be encouraging acrimony between couples or encouraging harmful behaviour during the divorce or separation process.

If you are stuck in any way and are unsure which way to turn, please do get in touch and we will try and direct you to the right person or people.  Or you could have a look through our The Divorce Magazine Directory.

All the Best!

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash

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considering divorce

Are you Considering Divorce?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Therapist
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

I have gone through divorce twice; the first one was 20 years ago and the second 12 years ago.

Truth is going through divorce is never an easy process however amicable. It will hurt greatly at some point during the process both financially and emotionally but it doesn’t have to define who you are for the rest of your life.

You will get through it. You will be ok but you will have to work hard to be so.

If you’re truly uncertain if divorce is the right way for you to go, I would personally suggest not doing anything for the moment.  Wait and see how you feel later on, maybe next, month or even later.

Ask yourself if you have done all that you can to keep your marriage.  If not, what more can you do?  Do all that you can.

If you’re considering divorce here are some FAQs with responses but you will find a lot more articles, authored by divorce professionals, on The Divorce Magazine to help you through your divorce process.

Do I need a divorce lawyer?

Yes. This should be one of the first and wisest things to do.  I would suggest that you speak with at least 3 divorce lawyers because just as you would get, at the very minimum, 3 different estimations for your kitchen extension, you really should do the same with your divorce lawyer before settling on one.

Why do I need a lawyer?

Simply put, for legal advice. You need to know that whatever steps you’re taking or planning on taking are not only legal and possible but that you’re being realistic and fair to you and your soon-to-be-ex.

How much will a divorce cost?

Very popular question indeed but the simple answer is, it depends on many factors including what divorce process you pick.

There are divorce lawyers who will offer what I would call package deals which are great in giving you some indication of how much the process is likely to cost.  When you speak with the various lawyers, then ask about this.  In fact, do be afraid of asking as many questions as you can think off regarding cost.

As a divorce process, family mediation, for instance, tends to work out much cheaper than working through the whole divorce process solely via lawyers.

The more you and your soon-to-be-ex can agree on together the less expensive your divorce costs are likely to be.

Here’s an article on How to Reduce the Cost of Divorce that can give you even more information.

What other divorce processes are there?

Fortunately, there are many other ways of dealing with your divorce process other than the “traditional” lawyer/client fashion. Here are some:

With the first three divorce processes, you will be working directly with divorce lawyers. With the other two, don’t forget to seek legal advice before agreeing to any divorce settlement.

What about the children, can I get full custody (sole residency)?

This is extremely difficult to get as the courts always seek to do what is right for your children and unless there are major safety issues for instance, they will try and ensure that your children remain in good contact with both parents as much as possible.

Here’s an article that would best answer any questions you have on full custody.

My advice, regarding the children, is to continuously and persistently keep in mind that it benefits them greatly if you can provide them with the space and time where they can see both parents as much as possible by creating an age appropriate parenting plan.

They will be suffering many losses as you go through the divorce and will need both of you to make sure they are ok.

What about child maintenance or child support? How do I know how much to expect or to pay out?

Our article on  Free Child Maintenance Calculator will tell you what factors are taken into consideration regarding child support payments, how to calculate child maintenance as well as how to apply for child maintenance.

If you decide to go ahead and start the divorce process, talk.

Talk to people you trust and talk to your children’s school.  Surround yourself with people whom you know will be supportive and objective and don’t use your lawyer as a counsellor, therapist it’s only likely to cost you and they need to focus on the legal side of your divorce.

Brace yourself for a journey that is likely to get quite emotionally, physically and mentally draining but like I said at the start, you will get over it, you will be ok, you just have to work at getting there because like Maya Angelou once said, “nothing works unless you do”.

If you have even more questions to which you would like some answers then don’t hesitate to contact any of the divorce lawyers who feature in The Divorce Magazine and speak with them.

If your main issue is to do with your children before, during and after divorce, including creating age appropriate parenting plans, you can contact me on +44 (0)7850 85 60 66 or email me soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine.

 

 

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Do Grandparents have Rights?

Published on
Kimberley-Bailey
Kimberley Bailey
Divorce and Family Solicitor

Grandparents usually have a positive influential role to play in the lives of their grandchildren; teaching them things their parents can’t from the generation before, helping children understand the dynamics of their family history, as well as the fun stuff of baking or playing with train sets.

Sadly, where there has been the tragic loss of a parent or following an acrimonious divorce or relationship breakdown, grandparents may be pushed out, losing contact with their grandchildren, sometimes quite to the detriment of the child.

So, what options are open to a grandparent in this situation?

Mediate to find a solution

Family mediation could have an important role to play here as a means of attempting to resolve disputes between grandparents and parents.

It provides a space where the families can communicate albeit via a third party. However, unless the parent(s) will engage in mediation, or the process of mediation breaks down without agreement grandparents are faced with the daunting prospect of having to seek the permission of the court even to apply to see their grandchildren.

Apply for permission from the courts

As unbelievable as it may seem grandparents have no automatic right to ask the Courts to help them, save for some exceptional circumstances, and so must apply for permission to make their application. Of course, before making their application they must decide what exactly they are applying for.

do grandparents have rightsIs it a Child Arrangements Order to have defined times when they see their grandchildren?  Or is it that the child should live with them given the change of circumstances, in which case should the application be for residence or a special guardianship order?  In my experience the difference isn’t always understood when I speak with grandparents wanting to go to Court.

Obtain a court order

A residence order would make the successful applicant the main carer for the child and give them Parental Responsibility shared with any parent who already has parental responsibility.  It would likely also set out when the child should spend time with their parents or other carers involved.

A Special Guardianship Order can secure the child’s long-term placement and give the Special Guardian Parental Responsibility as well as setting out arrangements to maintain the child’s links with his or her parent(s) but it also gives additional “powers” to the Special Guardian. It can for example give them control on a day to day basis of how the parents’ exercise parental responsibility

An application for a Special Guardianship Order must be supported by social services who will be asked to undertake a report during proceedings on the suitability of the applicant(s) and any other relevant matters.

It’s not easy for grandparents

The situation of grandparents is not enviable there is no longer Legal Aid to cover the legal costs in most cases and social services will only sometimes propose to assist with costs where they are encouraging the grandparents to bring proceedings rather than the child having to be placed in care.

The additional hurdle faced by grandparents – that they have to ask the Court for permission before they can make an application for a Court Order – creates a perceived barrier and indisputably increases the time and cost of proceedings.

But, I have worked with a number of grandparents, helping them to re-establish contact with their grandchildren, and they tell me it’s all worth it in the end.

Guest post written by Kimberely Bailey of Woolley & Co. Solicitors, originally published here 

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Holidays triggering Divorce

How to Pick a Good Divorce Lawyer?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Recently, a couple of mums and a dad at my daughter’s school separately asked if they could speak with me in confidence.

All three are going through divorce and are in the first stages of the divorce process.

All three needed to know if I could recommend  a divorce solicitor.

Their stories were different but two of them asked me the same question; “What makes a good divorce lawyer?”

This, I must say, is a very easy question to answer.

Firstly a good divorce lawyer is one who specialises in divorce law, preferably one who only works in this field.  If you have children, as each of the parents in this case had, I would go further and say find one that has great experience in divorce law where children are concerned.

A good divorce lawyer will not be one who fans the flames of your anger or even one who starts a fire where there is none.

When I was going through my divorce, I had a meeting with a lawyer who, in all honesty, remains the worst lawyer I have met in my life!  All she wanted was blood, despite my telling her that’s not what I wanted.  I only went to her because she was very local to me and I was thinking about the convenience.  I never did work with her.

Years later, I needed a notary, so returned to the same firm believing that my previous not-so-good experience was only due to the particular lawyer I had spoken to.  The person whom I spoke with over the phone was very condescending and patronising and they were going to charge me over £100 more than the other firms I spoke with.  I had heard all I needed.

Anyway, I digress.

A good divorce solicitor will know how to manage your feelings of vengeance and hurt.  They will not allow them to come into the picture in shape or form as that will only cause war between you and your soon-to-be-ex.

 

A good divorce solicitor will not mind you asking any questions that are important for you to get answers to, as “ridiculous” as some of them may be.  They will know and understand that the next few months are indeed going to determine how your life after divorce turns out and they will have a major role to play in it.

  • How long have you practiced family law?
  • Do you have past clients I can speak with?
  • What are your fees and what should I be aware off in terms of other (hidden) costs?
  • What do you think about family mediation?
  • What do I need to do to make the divorce process as smooth as possible?
  • What if I decided to change solicitors, what would that mean for me?

Finally, do trust your gut.  Always trust your gut.  Meet with at least 3 solicitors before making up your mind. Most solicitors offer an free consultation. Use it.

Good luck!

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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10 MYTHS ABOUT ONLINE DIVORCE UK

10 Myths about Online Divorce UK

Published on
Carmen Hudson (LLB) Director DivorceBox.com
Carmen Hudson (LLB) Director DivorceBox.com

So many questions have been asked about online divorce, so Carmen Hudson, Director at Divorcebox, has taken the time to give us the top 10 myths about online divorce UK

Myth #1 – You need to use a Solicitor to get divorced

A common misconception is that you need to instruct a solicitor to obtain a divorce.

In reality 40% of divorce applications* in England and Wales are concluded without using a solicitor.

For more information on divorce and the divorce process visit: www.gov.uk/divorce/overview or www.divorcebox.com

Myth #2 – You have to wait 2 years or 5 years before you can get divorced

There are two criteria that a couple have to meet to make a divorce application.

  1. That the marriage/civil partnership has irretrievably broken down
  2. That you have been married/civil partners for at least one year prior to your application

The ‘facts’ used to prove the above are:

  • Unreasonable behaviour (the most common fact cited)
  • Adultery
  • 2 years separation with consent of both parties(often referred to as a no fault divorce)
  • 2 years separation, Desertion
  • 5 years separation, Desertion

You can get a divorce after one year if your spouse/civil partner has behaved in a way that you consider to be unreasonable or has committed adultery.

The 2 and 5 year criteria refer to no fault divorce applications where there are no allegations about your spouses behaviour. You can divorce by mutual agreement after 2 years or because your spouse has ‘deserted’ you for a period of 2 or 5 years respectively.

Myth #3 – Quickie Divorces

When the press refer to a quickie divorce they are in fact referring to a uncontested divorce where both parties agree to the divorce. No firm or company can influence the speed at which your divorce is granted. This is determined by two things:

  • The court/Divorce Centres schedule or workload.
  • The co-operation of both spouses who agree to the divorce

These are the two factors that will influence the speed at which your divorce is granted.

10 MYTHS ABOUT ONLINE DIVORCE UK

Myth #4 – You have to attend court to get a divorce

Very few divorce applications are defended, where one party doesn’t agree to the divorce application, and an even smaller number of those require a hearing.

The majority of divorces are dealt with without either party having to attend court.

Myth #5 – Finances are settled on a 50/50 basis

When people refer to financial divorce settlements they are generally referring to a settlement by court order. It is worth noting that you do not have to apply for an order or go to court to resolve financial or childcare issues (see #8 below).

If you did decide to make an application to the court for a financial order there is no automatic division of assets on a 50/50 basis or in any other proportion. What the judge will look at is the circumstances of the divorcing couple and the needs of both parties.

Remember the pendulum can swing both ways. Either party can be potentially ordered to pay maintenance to the other party and the court does not automatically give a ‘stay at home parent’ a bigger slice of the cake.

Myth #6 – I need a consent order

A consent order is:

“a financial contract, jointly agreed by a divorcing couple, that finalises the financial obligations arising from the marriage/civil partnership”.

Firstly if your spouse doesn’t want to sign a consent order, you can not get one, as a contract requires the consent of both parties.

Secondly if you have children it may not be in your best interests to ‘consent’ to a contract that allows for no future changes in financial arrangements (that may or may not have been agreed in a separate agreement), because your children’s circumstances may change for a variety of reasons in the years ahead.

Consent orders are not a one size fits all instrument. It will depend entirely on your circumstances and the co-operation of both parties.

You can obtain a consent order in addition to completing a DIY divorce or online application if both parties are in agreement.

Myth #7 – Legal Aid is not available for divorce applications/Court Fees

10 MYTHS ABOUT ONLINE DIVORCE UKThis myth is mostly true but there are schemes in place to assist those couples going through divorce. Legal Aid is no longer available for most family law matters but there is an exception for matters involving domestic abuse.

However, fee remission of the court fee for a divorce application is available for those individuals that meet the income criteria. Meaning that those on lower incomes or benefits are entitled to a full or partial remission of the court fee for a divorce application.

Financial and childcare arrangements:  Legal Aid is available for mediation if you meet the income criteria. Mediation helps you sort out arrangements about finances and children following divorce or separation.

Myth #8 – You can not get an online divorce if you need to make a financial agreement or arrangements in respect of children

A divorce application is separate to any financial agreements or arrangements in respect of children. They are often dealt with at the same time and run alongside each other but each matter is dealt with in it’s own right.

You can get divorced using an online application and deal with financial matters and childcare arrangements separately without referring the matter to court if you wish to do so.

Family Mediation:  Mediation is where an independent and impartial third party discusses issues with you and your ex-spouse/civil partner to try and reach an agreement. Mediation can be conducted separately if the circumstances require it.

Mediation is not about getting back together. It is an opportunity for a divorcing couple to make arrangements about a number of issues, including but not limited to financial affairs, housing, child care arrangements and how to deal with any property.

Legal Aid is available for mediation if you qualify.

Myth #9 – Online divorce is for people with no assets

This is another popular divorce myth. However, it was recently reported that Gary Lineker got divorced online and as such is likely to have dealt with any financials matters separately.

Myth #10 – Divorce is expensive

This myth is often supported by press coverage on big money divorces. But divorce applications do not have to be expensive or complicated. There are schemes available for those individuals on lower incomes and you can reduce the cost further by completing your application online.

Costs of divorce:

Application forms – the application form is available for free at hmctsformfinder.justice.gov.uk or DivorceBox.com

Court Fee £410 – this can be reduced to £0 if you qualify for remission

Family Mediation – Legal Aid is available for mediation

Online divorce – DivorceBox packages from £39.00

 

*https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/family-court-statistics-quarterly-july-to-september-2015

Carmen Hudson (LLB) is a director and head of legal of operations at DivorceBox.com a online legal service provider specialising in online divorce (e-divorce).

After 15 years in dispute resolution she founded DivorceBox to offer a less intimidating alternative to traditional legal services.

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