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Divorce UK – Do Grandparents Have Rights?

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Ann Corrigan
Ann Corrigan founder of Clarity Family Law

When it comes to divorce in the UK, do grandparents have rights?  If so what are they?

Having a close relationship with your grandchildren is one of the joys of growing older.

But even the closest relationship between grandparent and child can come to an abrupt end if the child’s parents get divorced and one parent decides to cut all contact with his or her in-laws.

Unfortunately, the grandparents, unless the child has been living with them for three years has no automatic right to see or have contact with their grandchildren under UK law.

This situation is one I often have to deal with and can leave grandparents and the children devastated.

The Grandparents’ Association estimates that more than 1 million children in the UK do not have contact with their grandparents.

So, is there anything the grandparents can do?

The first thing I’d say is that it’s always better to try and resolve the situation by appealing to the parent to allow you to see the children or to offer to take part in a mediation process.

A solution reached in this way is not only less expensive and quicker than a lengthy Court process, but likely to be far less disruptive for the family and especially the children involved, and cause less animosity for the future.

However, if this doesn’t work – there is another way.

Even though your rights as a grandparent are limited, you can apply for permission (or leave) to apply for a Child Arrangements Order.

Do Grandparents have Rights?
…more than 1 million children in the UK do not have contact with their grandparents

If permission is granted, you can then apply for an order. If either parent objects to this, though, you’ll have to attend a full hearing and will need expert legal representation.

During the hearing the Court will consider the following factors:

  • why the application is being made
  • how close you are to the child
  • whether there is any risk that the proposed contact could have any negative effect on the child’s wellbeing in any way.

You basically have to persuade the Court that you have a strong, ongoing and beneficial relationship with your grandchildren.

What is a Child Arrangements Order?

The Child Arrangements Order will set out whether the grandparents have been granted face-to-face visits or indirect contact, such as letters, video, text, Skype, e-mails and telephone calls.

I should say that the family Court does recognise how important it is for children to have contact with their grandparents and it is therefore not common for the Court to refuse a contact order unless there is a risk of harm to the children.

What if the parent does not obey the order?

Fortunately this doesn’t happen very often, but the Court can enforce an order if not obeyed by the child’s parents.

It’s always advisable to try to resolve any issues in an amicable way that is least disruptive to the child and to obtain legal advice at an early stage to ensure you don’t make matters worse.

When to face-to-face contact is not possible:

There are situations when the Court may only allow grandparents indirect contract and although this is obviously not ideal, it does at least offer you an opportunity to continue a relationship with your grandchildren.

In this situation, I always advise clients to try to establish a regular routine – for example getting in touch at the same time every week or month – so that the contact becomes a regular and expected part of the child’s life.

About Ann

Ann Corrigan is founder of Clarity Family Law, a specialist family law firm in Gerrards Cross, Buckinghamshire, offering discreet, expert advice on all aspects of divorce, including the division of high value assets, children disputes and issues surrounding unmarried families.

Follow Ann on Twitter – @ClarityFamily

 

 

 

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family law issues
Parents communicate better in mediation than they do in litigation

Divorce Advice – Your Question Answered

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Ann Corrigan founder of Clarity Family Law
Ann Corrigan founder of Clarity Family Law

This is the first of a list of questions that we have for Ann Corrigan of Clarity Family Law.

There will be more to follow so keep a good look out.

If you would like a question answered then do contact us and we will get it answered for you.

I’m just about to start divorce proceedings and would really like to avoid going to court to resolve the financial issues. What would you advise?

If it’s at all possible to avoid going to court, you should because it will save you money and time and make the process a lot friendlier.

You have 3 options: Mediation, collaborative law and negotiation between solicitors.

The mediation and collaborative law options mean you are in control and set the pace. The key decisions about your future are made by you – meaning you reduce conflict from day one.

Mediation: A mediator will work impartially with you both and give you enough information so that you understand your options and can work together towards an agreed solution concerning your property, possessions, children and money.

Collaborative Law: Specialist collaborative lawyers sign an agreement (with you both) which disqualifies them from representing you in court if the process breaks down. Face to face meetings where you are each supported by your collaborative lawyer means that there is a collective incentive to reach an agreement.

About Ann Corrigan

Ann Corrigan is founder of Clarity Family Law, a specialist family law firm in Gerrards Cross, Buckinghamshire, offering discreet, expert advice on all aspects of divorce, including the division of high value assets, children disputes and issues surrounding unmarried families.

Follow Ann on Twitter – @ClarityFamily

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family law issues
Parents communicate better in mediation than they do in litigation
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Is Collaborative Law Process Right for You? 10 Questions To Consider.

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Austin Chessell www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Austin Chessell

Collaborative law process is where the couple come together with their own collaborative lawyer and discuss matters fact to face.

There are no letters sent.

Each client instructs their own collaborative lawyer and they, the clients and the solicitors sign an agreement not to make an application to court. If no agreement is reached in the meetings then new lawyers must be instructed if the matter is to go to court.

Is collaborative law process the right one for you?  

Here are your 10 questions:

  • Has the relationship totally broken down? If it has not you may want to consider couple counselling with an organisation like Relate to see if any communication difficulties or other matters that have arisen can be resolved without ending the relationship. To locate a couple counsellor or psychotherapist in your area you can refer to the counselling-directory.
  • Has an agreement been made as to how the finances can be divided and how the childcare arrangements will work e.g. during the week, weekends and over the holidays?  If so, then consider working with a collaborative lawyer.
  • Would you prefer to decide what is going to happen to the family yourself or would you prefer for the Judge to make the decision for you? In my experience the separating couple knows what works for them. A judge will be provided with your background situation but what is ordered may not suit either of you.
  • How quickly do you want to resolve things between you? A court hearing can take around 6-8 weeks to get listed while Collaborative Law can work at a much quicker pace as you remain more or less in control of how the time is utilised.
  • Do you want to keep the discussions about the separation private?
  • Do you want the views of the children to play a part in the discussions? Some Collaborative professionals are trained to work with children. They need to have completed a direct consultation with children training, had a CRB check and obtain the written consent of both parents. If you go down the Court route it may be a CAFCASS officer who is appointed to work on the case and there can be several meetings which may not suit everyone’s schedule and it can take several weeks to receive the CAFCASS report.
  • There are legal issues to resolve but also one should not forget the emotional impact the separation can have. Do you want to address the emotional issues too? Collaborative practitioners can work with Family Consultants who can meet you before and take part in the joint meetings to ensure that any hopes and concerns are kept at the forefront of discussions while the Collaborative Solicitors look to aid you with the legal issues.
  • If an agreement is reached would you like to call on the opinion of a financial expert or barrister? This is possible in the collaborative process. It may be one client does not have the same financial or legal understanding as the other client and wants to meet a financial expert or barrister to ensure they are up to speed with what has been agreed and also discuss financial projections or legal implications for the future to check that what has been agreed will work in the long term.
  • Do you want to resolve everything out of court? This is possible with Collaborative Law. It is one of the main principles of this process that you will not make an application to court and if you do then your solicitor would need to stop acting for you. Court can encourage positional stances which may not achieve a good outcome for everyone.
  • Do you want to reality check what has been agreed with your former partner and ensure that it meets the needs of everyone? With children matters this can be important. Even though it may be agreed to separate and live in different households you are still going to need to liaise with each other for future childcare arrangements. Making sure what has been agreed will work can only aid building communication between you which is best for your child.
  • Do you want to reality check what has been agreed with your former partner and ensure that it meets the needs of everyone? With children matters this can be important. Even though it may be agreed to separate and live in different households you are still going to need to liaise with each other for future childcare arrangements. Making sure what has been agreed will work can only aid building communication between you which is best for your child.

The above should give you an indication if Collaborative Law may work and be the right process to follow for you and your former partner if you decide to separate. If you are unsure you can always speak to a Collaboratively trained Family Solicitor who can provide more details about how Collaborative Law works in practice.

Austin Chessell is a Professional Practice Consultant (PPC) at FAMIA across Inner and Greater London.

 Austin is also a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Feltons Solicitors and is a member of the Collaborative Pod group Essex Family Solutions.

 Email: achessell@feltonssolicitors.co.uk

Twitter: @FamilyLawLondon

 

 

 

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divorce advice uk
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Divorce Advice UK – Practical Tips When Facing a Divorce

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Practical Tips Women Should Know When Facing a DivorceAre you facing a divorce now or planning to file for one to end your current relationship? Whatever the case and your grounds may be, if it is inevitable, it is imperative that you think very carefully about it and find out ways on how to deal and proceed with it.

Getting a divorce is never easy. It causes negative impacts to the individuals affected by the situation. But it can be overcome. Learn to face the situation with the help of the following tips below:

  • Consult and talk sincerely with a divorce lawyer or family lawyer.

If you know other women who have faced a divorce in the past, ask for recommendations for a good attorney who can help you with your case. If one of your friends is a lawyer, you might also want to consider seeking his or her guidance and recommendations. Check backgrounds, reputations, and success rates.

Some lawyers provide free initial consultations and fees at affordable rates, so better ask them before signing them for your case. It is integral that you understand the laws governing divorce in your state because each one is somehow different from the other. It also is very important that you understand how each law applies to your situation.

  • Explore mediation if the separation is good-natured.

You can find expert counselors that can guide you through mediating with the other party involved in the case. This is imperative for parties that find it hard to seek common ground or an agreement. If you think you can do it without professional help, remember that initial consultations are still better conducted with experts to ensure the stability of the process. Your own attorney should also be able to review the grounds to make sure that your personal interests are not taken for granted as well as your child’s, if you have any.

  • Seek legal advice before moving out of your house.

Before leaving the house, always seek the advice of legal counsel. If you have any safety concerns, look into what restraining orders you can file or any order that can protect you while you are living in your current home.

Some women think that moving out and leaving their children in the hands of their spouses is the best solution. This is a terrible one, to be honest. Be very smart and explore any consequences and alternatives that will best suit your predicament.

  • Cooperation will not always last.

Women should understand that things could be friendly on the initial phases of the process and get sour along the way. This is natural. Be very mindful and tread the path carefully. Never set out into the field looking for war. Look for grounds that satisfy the interests of both parties.

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How Pension Sharing Orders Work in Divorce – Splitting Pension after Divorce

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Independent financial Advisor
Paul Gorman
Principal Partner
Beaufort Planning

We speak with accredited chartered financial planner Paul Gorman of Beaufort Planning  on pensions and divorce.

Paul works mainly in the field of family law working together with family lawyers as well as family mediators with the aim of helping clients achieve a suitable settlement in divorce.

He has worked on mediation cases and have been involved in mediation meetings alongside trained family mediators and divorce solicitors. He also gets involved in collaborative work and is a member of three PODS.

Here he talks about pension sharing orders, splitting pension after divorce, pension on divorce, pension plans and divorce as well as pensions transfers.

Some of the questions he answers are:

• What is a pension sharing order?

• Can the basic state pension be shared?

• Is pension sharing compulsory or do couples need to have a pension sharing order?

• Can I use my share of the pension to buy my children and I a home and is it wise to do so?

• What happens in the case of a pensioner whose benefits are subject to a Pension Sharing Order?    

 

PART 2 of How Pension Sharing Orders Work in Divorce – Splitting Pension after Divorce he answers more questions among which are:

• When is pension sharing not an option or the best solution?

• I only have a small pension — do i really have to share that?

• What does offsetting your pension mean?  

• What is an attachment order and why are they rarely used?

• Is there a cost attached to the process of pension sharing?

• Can I protect my pension with a prenuptial agreement?

• Where do non-married couples stand when it comes to pension sharing?

• How long does the pension sharing process take from start to finish?

Get in touch with Paul – pgorman@beaufortplanning.co.uk

Follow Paul on Twitter

 

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what mortgage can I afford
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What Mortgage Can I Afford?

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 Mortgage Capacity Assessment – Helping to Negotiate the right divorce Settlement.

Director at Simpson Financial Services Limited
Director at Simpson Financial Services Limited

Recently a friend of mine who is currently going through a divorce came to me with a problem.

She had done everything right so far; she had sought advice from a reputable Family Solicitor and agreed that the most amicable course of action would be to attend mediation meetings.

Access and maintenance payments for the children were dealt with quickly and her husband agreed that, assuming she could take over their mortgage by herself, she could keep the house in return for him retaining his pension and savings. With negotiations proceeding so smoothly all appeared to have gone in her favour…..or so she thought.

As we all know once a divorce settlement has been finalised it cannot be re-written, therefore, getting it right is imperative. Emphasis should be made on ensuring you have the correct information from the outset to allow you to make the right decisions, save time and money.

What my friend had failed to find out is whether she could actually raise a mortgage herself?

The last visit she made to her now ex-Mortgage Advisor was nearly 5 years ago and at that time her husband had just started his own business and could not prove any income.

The Mortgage Advisor confirmed that with her salary and the Child Benefit they receive for their 3 children they still qualified for a mortgage. With this in mind my friend confidently agreed to the terms of the divorce settlement assuming she would be able to take over the mortgage on the marital home.

After a visit to her bank my friend discovered, to her surprise, that the Mortgage Advisor no longer worked at the bank. In fact the bank no longer provided mortgages. This is when she came to me to explain what had happened and wanting to know where she should go from here?

I mentioned that she would benefit from having a Mortgage Capacity Assessment carried out.

This is where a Mortgage Capacity Expert would, after considering her Form E and any other relevant financial information, be able to confirm her likely maximum mortgage borrowing and more importantly the amount of mortgage she could actually afford to maintain. After making relevant enquiries she received her Mortgage Capacity Report a few days later which confirmed a number of things:

  • what mortgage can I afford
    What mortgage can I afford?

    Lenders would no longer consider the Child Benefit she receives. This is because her children are nearing an age when these benefits will stop; her children are now aged 14, 16 and 17.

  • Her Credit Card bill had crept up to nearly £6,000.00, further reducing her borrowing.
  • As soon as she had agreed not to take any of her husband’s pension she increased her own contributions to her employer’s retirement scheme reducing her ‘take home’ pay.
  • After a lengthy period of low interest rates and with increasing speculation that rates will rise in the near future mortgage lenders are now undergoing Stress Testing. This is where they assess a person’s ability to afford their mortgage based on higher interest rates. This all meant that her borrowing power had shrunk significantly and unfortunately my friend no longer qualified for the amount of mortgage she needed.

This has all led to a delay in the divorce being finalised and her husband still being party to their mortgage. Also, not only has her own chances of getting a mortgage been scuppered but her husband’s too.

The chance of buying himself a new home has not only been blighted by years of low self-employed income but in the eyes of mortgage lenders he is still responsible for another mortgage. So despite the efforts they made to keep their divorce amicable they are at loggerheads anyway.

However, all this could have been avoided had she obtained a Mortgage Capacity Report at the outset of her divorce.

  • Her financial circumstances could have been assessed and she would have been made aware of her mortgage capacity before she agreed to anything.
  • The Mortgage Capacity Expert could have considered a number of different financial scenarios so she would have been well informed on what her borrowing ability would be based on any number of outcomes from her settlement.
  • She could also have been informed of up-to-date lending criteria and how much a new mortgage would cost.

Getting a realistic and reliable idea of capacity to mortgage from the outset is important for all parties involved in any divorce.

It may not only give you an idea of your own capacity to mortgage but also your ex-partner and could help to create a more harmonious separation. With each party knowing their mortgage limits the assessment can help illustrate what is reasonable to expect from divorce.

Demanding everything except the kitchen sink might seem like a good course of action but if all it achieves is a lengthy battle at court and a costly solicitor’s bill finding out this information from the outset could save a lot of money and a great deal of heartache.

ABOUT NATASHA

Natasha Palmer is a qualified Mortgage Advisor at Simpson Financial Services Ltd with offices in Coventry and Leamington Spa.

With over 10 years experience in Financial Services Natasha starting her career in Financial Administration. She became qualified to advise on Mortgages, Protection and General Insurance in 2008 and then spent the next 4 years advising home owners, first time buyers and small businesses on the most appropriate lending and protection solutions.

Becoming a Director of Simpson Financial Services in 2010 she then went on to win the Insurance Institute of Coventry’s Young Achiever of the year award in 2010/11.

Her career in Mortgage Capacity Assessments started over lunch with a with a local family solicitor one day who asked if she could provide mortgage capacity details for a divorcee having difficulties negotiating future housing needs with their soon to be ex. Natasha began producing Mortgage Capacity Assessments from that day on.

She can be contacted at natasha@simspsonfs.co.uk and you can check out her services on the website: mortgagecapacityassessments.co.uk.

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Reduce the Cost of Divorce

How to Reduce the Cost of Divorce

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Sheata Karim Grayfords Family Law
Sheata Karim
Grayfords Family Law

With over 40% of current marriages expected to end in divorce, most of us have or will experience the negative emotional and financial effects of divorce.

Family law solicitor and divorce expert, Sheata Karim, offers some insider tips on how to reduce the cost of divorce proceedings.

Divorce is a distressing process as not only must you cope with the emotional turmoil of a separation, but also the financial burdens that come with it through solicitor’s fees and court charges.

Many people turn to anonymous websites that claim to offer divorces for ludicrously low prices and then are stung with costly court hearings when issues regarding child contact or financial settlements arise.

If you wouldn’t let a cheap DIY website arrange your wedding, why would you let them have control of your divorce?

Family law solicitors are experts in all areas of divorce and separation and can guide you through the process to help you obtain the outcome you deserve – but such legal expertise comes at a price.

Read on to find out how you can obtain a legitimate and legally binding divorce, yet still making sure that you reduce the cost of divorce.

Avoid court trials

This is the first and most obvious tip as court cases can be both lengthy and costly affairs. There are a variety of out-of-court solutions – such as mediation or collaborative law – that will resolve disputes regarding child matters or financial issues, and will also save you the cost of court and barrister’s fees.

Be aware of your spend

How to reduce the cost of divorce
Avoid Court

All solicitors require ‘money on account’ before they begin work on your case. This is normal, but you should always stress that you wish to be notified when you are nearing the end of your credit. Some solicitors may continue working on your case and then you may be surprised with a larger-than-anticipated bill at the end.

Watch out for hidden costs

Should you have to go to court then you must remember to enquire about what court costs you will have to pay on top of the solicitor’s fees. All courts charge a fixed amount for every case, which is currently £410 for a divorce petition or £215 for Child Act applications (i.e. contact or residence).

Solicitor, not counsellor

Your solicitor is a trained professional who is there to support and defend you legally. This may seem a harsh statement, but they are not your counsellor so do not tell them your life story or seek emotional comfort from them – it will save you a lot of money in the long run.

You pay solicitors by the hour for their expertise so get the most out of your time by only focussing on the practicalities of your case. The sooner the legal process is finished, the sooner the healing process can start.

Do your own admin

Most solicitors will be happy for you to fill in some of your documentation yourself, which will save you money as you will only pay for the solicitor to check the forms and make recommendations. Some of the administration work for the divorce process can be time consuming but it can, therefore, also be a cost-effective measure to do it yourself.

Be your own private investigator

There are five grounds to divorce, some of which require evidence or proof. Your solicitor can hire a private investigator on your behalf but it can be much cheaper and quicker if you source your own evidence yourself in the form of a photograph, text conversation or voice recording, for example. You must be careful though, as stalking and secretly filming are illegal.

 

Sheata Karim is the Principal Solicitor and Founder of Grayfords, a family law firm based in central London.

After over a decade of working in family and niche law firms, Sheata used her expertise and specialist knowledge to start her own practice.

Sheata created her own firm so that she could instil her values of client care and satisfaction into every area of the business. Her motto is to envisage yourself in the perfect future, and that is what she will help you achieve.

With experience in all areas of English and international family law – including divorce, financial issues and child matters – Sheata really is an expert in her field.

www.grayfords.co.uk

 

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Deal with divorce
Children deal with divorce differently depending on age

Children Deal with Divorce Differently

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Dealing with Divorce Pain
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist, Family Mediator
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

We all know and understand that each child is different and how he or she handles divorce will be unique to them.  Yet we are also probably aware that the reaction that they have will also depend on their age or developmental stage.

So how  a 5 year old takes the news and deals with the experience will be different to that of a 10 year old as it would be for the 15 year old sibling.

Some children are so young when their parents divorce that they don’t ever remember them being together. Others are old enough to always remember what took place, what they were doing when they found out about it and how it affected them.

Depending on the situation and circumstances, for some children it is nothing more than knowing that their dad won’t be living in the same house with them while for others it maybe a complete change of life from the way they have always known it.

Very young children, even those that aren’t old enough to talk yet can understand the emotions of people. They can often identify issues such as stress, tension, and they definitely know when their parents are upset.  They can also miss the non-resident parent once he/she moves out.

If you have a young child and are currently going through divorce, just observe any changes in their behaviours including increased clinginess, tearfulness, increased temper tantrums or change in feeding.

Children from about three years of age to around five will be able to verbalise some questions about the divorce. They will often notice that the other person isn’t around like they used to be. They may pose questions such as why the other parent doesn’t go to the park with them or whey they live someplace else.

It is important that their questions are answered without giving them too many unnecessary adult only details.  Just answer their questions as best as you can keeping in mind that they need to continue feeling secure and loved.

Children in MediationChildren aged between six to about eleven will most probably already know someone who has divorced parents and understand what divorce means and entails.

However, that doesn’t mean they are going to readily accept it and as with the little ones, be ready for some changes in behaviour, including anger and aggressiveness as they may simply become overwhelmed by their emotions.

They may lack the skills to effectively be able to handle what is taking place. Do your best to get them to talk about it even if they aren’t sure what they are feeling or why.  They may also hold the belief that they are in some way to blame for the divorce and may work at brining the parents together.

Older children, from twelve and up often understand more about divorce than any other age group and may attempt to find more detailed answers as to what is taking place or what happened.

Chances are that this older age group was well aware of some issues in the marriage before the announcement of the divorce entered the picture and will take sides which can be extremely difficult for the parents.  It is important to remember that this is part of who they are, their stage of development, so don’t take it personally if they side with your ex-spouse.

They are just doing what children of this age do.

It is very common for children in this age group to be also want to be a caregiver  for the parent they “favour”. Do your best to get your child to see both parents as equals and not use them as sounding boards. If you can offer a united front as far as the divorce and caring for the children though it will be easier for them to do so.

Children don’t need to be your confidante when it comes to the divorce. Turn to another adult for someone to listen or to a professional counsellor.

Divorce and separation bring on huge changes for all involved and parents and we, as the adults around the children, will need to get a handle on our own emotions if we are going to meet our children’s needs as effectively as possible.

As I often say, it’s not the divorce that matters the most but the way it’s handled.  This experience will be one of the many difficult experiences that your child will experience during his/her lifetime so let’s work hard to make it as painless as possible and help them deal with divorce the best way possible.

All the best.

Warm hugs,

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Parenting after Separation

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Avoid court
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How To Avoid Court in Child Disputes

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How to Avoid Court
Consultant solicitor at Toussaints Solicitors,

As we all know court proceedings can be very costly and in some cases there is no way of avoiding this.

However, before going to court it may just be worth your while seeing whether you can resolve the dispute without going to court.  Try out my three suggestions below:

1.      Write a letter to the other parent asking them to agree that you should be having contact with your child.  The letter should be simple but specific.  So avoid making any snide remarks and make sure that you set out the specific times you want to see your child.  It may seem a little robotic but by doing it this way you are bringing some certainty into the equation. Give them a reasonable time to respond so you could end the letter by saying that you must hear from them within 14 days.

If the time limit has passed then send them a second letter.  This time consider sending the letter via recorded delivery so that you can have proof the letter has been signed for and collected – or not as the case may be.

If you still get no reply you can approach a Solicitor to write a letter to the other parent.  This shouldn’t be too costly but it will make the correspondence more formal.  Usually a “Solicitors letter” will cause the other parent to respond.  If the other parent does not respond then you will know that you are likely to have a long and complicated dispute.

The Solicitors letter would usually end with a request for a response within a specific time, alternatively, court action will be started.

2.        Ask a mutual friend to help you both in discussing any obstacles which are preventing contact being agreed.  Often, certain left over bitterness from the relationship can affect the future relationship of the parents.  This can mean that the children suffer as a result by being forced to live between feuding adults and being alienated from the parent they no longer live with.

Mutual friends are often best place, because they know both of you and the children, to step in and help iron out any disputes.

With this method, however, don’t feel forced to use a friend who shows any sign of bias as one or the other of you is likely to feel uncomfortable with the decision reached and it is therefore less likely to last.

A mutual friend can also be an upstanding member of the community who is known to the family.  For example, a religious leader, community leader, a friend with a relevant professional qualification.

Don’t let these discussions drag on indefinitely.  If you aren’t able to agree something concrete by the second meeting then this method is probably not going to work.

3.    Use a professional mediator or relationship counselor  If parents are really serious about moving things forward in an acceptable way and doing what is best for their child they will know that avoiding delay and court proceedings is crucial.

So if things can’t be resolved informally then the next best way is to use an external person who is specifically trained to help families dealing with the consequences of a relationship breakdown.

If you have gone to see a Solicitor before using a mediator or relationship counselor you can still ask the Solicitor to refer you to mediation.  The mediator can then take over the case to help you both come to an understanding on future contact.  The Solicitor can then help to formalize this understanding so as to avoid problems in the future.

So there you have it, try out these suggestions above before rushing off to court – it will be less expensive and help you get on better as parents in the future. And for the resident parent you might just get a regular willing babysitter – for free!

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Depression and divorce
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

Coping with Divorce – a Grief Observed

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Lizzie Haynes Family Mediator at lhmediation www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Lizzie Haynes
Family Mediator at lhmediation

This article may help family mediators and parents to recognise and manage loss and change.

This involves understanding that when you separate you are likely to experience feelings of loss, your feelings can be unpredictable and it can seem like you are on a roller-coaster- this applies to both parents and children, it’s called the ‘loss cycle’.

A Grief Observed

There are five stages Denial- Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance.

You do not necessarily go through the stages in order and it is possible to feel the whole range of emotions in the space of 10 minutes!

The reason why I am discussing this is that as you go through the separation journey, parents, couples and children will be at different stages. It is often the case that the person who has been left can feel differently to the person who has been left. You can think you are fine and then something happens and back you go again.

In a mediation session, the loss cycle can be a useful tool to use and ask where they think they are in the cycle and where their children might be.

The five stages of Grief are:

  • Denial, is the feeling that it’s not happening, hiding things from friends and family. Not dealing with reality
  • Anger, Being reactive and irrational, feeling out of control, on a short fuse
  • Bargaining, Why me? Guilt and shame. It’s my fault, if only I/she/he would…
  • Depression, What’s the point? Despair, apathy, sleeplessness energy levels at their lowest point, tears and feeling in a mental fog or constant replay

Acceptance, Balanced emotions, recognition of good/bad relationships, and ability to manage strong relationships. All of this takes time. There is no right or wrong way to feel- it’s what we do with these feelings that will allow us to change and move forward.

About Lizzie

Lizzie trained as a dental hygienist and practised for 21 years in a private practice and, for the NHS. During this time she studied for a law degree.

Lizzie went on to train as a Barrister and was called to the Bar in 2007.

Lizzie first trained as a mediator in 2007 as a civil and commercial mediator, going on to become the Administrator of the Civil Mediation Council and Registrar to Trust Mediation. In 2009 she trained as a community mediator with the Wandsworth Mediation Service and still mediates voluntarily today.

After 4 years as a mediator Lizzie retrained as a family mediator with ADRg, and now works as a family mediator, independently and as part of another panel.

She is also registered with the Ministry of Justice to conduct Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs). These meetings are to inform individuals and couples about the mediation process so that they may consider mediation as an alternative form of dispute resolution.

Trained to present the Separated Parenting Information Programme (SPIP), Lizzie is a member of The Family Mediators Association. She is also qualified to conduct direct child consultations.

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