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Relationship and Power Dynamics on Divorce: Tips for Handling a Separation
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Relationship and Power Dynamics on Divorce: Tips for Handling a Separation

Published on
Katy Duff
Katy Duff
Solicitor
Burgess Mee Family Law

Power dynamics within a relationship often continue to play out during and after a separation. This can make coming to a final agreement about children or finances challenging even with the advent of no-fault divorce. The following tips are useful to keep in mind when you are going through a separation and things can feel overwhelming.

It is not ‘aggressive’ to instruct a lawyer

It can take real strength and courage to make the decision to separate, likewise to instruct a solicitor to help you through the process. Seeking a professional’s help to guide you is entirely sensible and reasonable. It should empower you to think about next steps, the future and what is right for you.

Focus only on what you can control

It is not a valuable use of your time and energy when trying to separate and heal to predict or anticipate your ex-partner’s/spouse’s behaviour, as this will  cause unnecessary worry and stress for you. Rather, your focus should be on navigating your own way.

Don’t negotiate against yourself

Don’t  stop yourself from putting forward proposals or requests that are in your interest because you think they will not be accepted by your ex-partner/spouse. With the support of a professional team, you will be aware of all the different options open to you. This should allow you to feel comfortable in what you are suggesting, knowing that in doing so you are still working towards a practical solution for everyone.

Identifying difficult behaviour

It can be hard to manage difficult behaviours from your ex-partner/spouse after you separate, but. you do not need to do so alone. You should speak to your solicitor about any particular concerns and how you expect your ex-partner may react to a suggestion or a proposal. Professionals can guide the case forward with a better understanding of when challenging conduct may arise and how this might feed into wider patterns of behaviour.

Delegating management of the short term

Once patterns of behaviour are identified they can be navigated. Your solicitor should give thought to how final orders (in children or finances matters) will operate when professionals are no longer involved. For example, clear and ambiguous wording will be needed to make clear the terms of an agreement so that you are not embroiled in lengthy and difficult correspondence when implementing an order or discussing the practicalities for handovers at the weekend. This will only foster continuity and stability so that you and your children feel certain about the arrangements. You should speak to your solicitor about any points you think will be tricky in future and they should do the same.

Make the process work for you

Difficult personalities may deliberately time emails and correspondence to you or your solicitor at awkward moments to disrupt arrangements or your general wellbeing, i.e. a letter changing contact arrangements on the cusp of the weekend or a proposal for financial settlement sent late on a Friday afternoon. To prevent this, you can discuss and agree adopting a working practice with your solicitor. For example, you could ask that correspondence received on a Friday afternoon is sent to you on a Monday unless it is absolutely critical for your attention that day. This will allow you to prioritise and reclaim your time and space. Trust your solicitor to let you know whether you need to see something today or first thing next week after you have had two days to pause and reflect.

What about controlling or coercive behaviour?

Controlling or coercive behaviour is an act or pattern of acts of threatening, humiliating or intimidatory behaviour designed to make a person subordinate, isolated and frightened. It is insidious, unacceptable conduct that no one should have to tolerate, involving  behaviour that goes beyond typical disputes in a separation.

If abuse is identified as an element in a case you can work with your solicitor to ensure the risks to you, your children and your case overall are managed appropriately, in order to protect and prioritise the wellbeing of you and your family. The legal system should not be used to perpetrate further abuse and the courts are increasingly sensitive to litigation being weaponised in this way.

You should be able to participate in discussions, negotiations and or proceedings without risk or fear for your mental, physical or economic wellbeing or that of your children. Attention to detail and a wider understanding of historic behaviour is key to helping your solicitor in understanding the situation. This will allow them to tailor their approach and ensure you receive the support you need throughout your separation.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Be positive but realistic

Even the most straightforward separation can often throw up unexpected and unforeseen issues. Your solicitor is there to guide you through divorce, but no two cases are ever the same. You are at the start of the rest of your life and that will take time. There will be delays, deadlines and counterpart solicitors who simply don’t respond. Sometimes it will be slow. Your solicitor will be doing all they can to keep you out of court (or they should be) and if they’re not, they should be explaining why, so that you know what the next step looks like. Court should always be a last resort but don’t overlook it as an option and a way to put in place a timetable that you and your partner can work towards with consequences if you don’t.

Seek support

You should feel supported at every stage as you move forward with the next stage of your life. There are many specialist organisations and professionals with particular understanding of the difficulties inherent in relationship breakdowns. There is no shame in seeking additional professional support including from a therapist, divorce coach or independent financial advisor (and your solicitor will be able to refer you to their connections in these spheres). They will also be alert when it sometimes may not be obvious that help is needed, so be open to exploring those options. Having a network of friends, family and professionals on hand can be key to guide you through the challenges of the process of separation and divorce and get you safely to the other side.

Read more articles by Burgess Mee Family Law.

About Katy Duff

Katy Duff is a solicitor at Burgess Mee, an award-winning specialist family law firm in London. Katy advises on a broad range of issues including divorce, matrimonial finance, financial claims for unmarried parents and matters involving children. She has specialist experience of cases with issues of domestic abuse. She is co-chair of Resolution’s National Domestic Abuse Committee.

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be-your-own-life-coach-during-divorce
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Be Your Own Life Coach Through Separation and Divorce – Part 2

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

Reassess – Reset – Reaffirm

Opportunity is the keyword as you reassess your life. The overwhelming feeling of loss that has been your constant companion needs to be put in the background. Replace that loss with anticipation for the future. You are now in a place to assess. What is working? Reset what is not working and begin to make changes. Reaffirm what thinking fills you with anticipation and excitement. How you think affects what you think. Channel your thinking to positive thoughts in every aspect of your life.

It only takes a moment to shift your thinking. Be mindful of your thoughts. Pause when they drift to the negative. Intentionally choose positive thoughts and feel the energy.

A Word About Pace

It is good to commit to change but pacing our gusto for change is important. Living in this instant world of the 21st Century we can forget that life changes are not like looking at your phone and googling an answer to a question.

Be thoughtful about what is most important for you to change. Most importantly, be patient with yourself. Doing that gives you a much greater chance of success.

Begin to visualize the balance in your life. Draw a circle or square and divide it into parts that represent your evaluation of time spent with family, work, and relationships. What does this tell you about the balance in your life?

Life in Three Parts

Acknowledge what you are doing well in each area -home, work, relationships. Separation and divorce bruise our self -confidence so it is time for a reset by celebrating who we are and what we do well. It is easy to tell ourselves we have failed when a marriage ends. It is also easy to take the blame. Those ‘if only I’d been better at” thoughts need to be filed away permanently.

Looking back should be done sparingly and looking forward done repeatedly. Identify one achievable goal for each part of your life. Give yourself a timeline to meet the goal and identify steps to get there.

As you review these areas of your life and set goals, make balance, change, and growth your focus. Feeling overwhelmed has likely been a constant companion through the separation and divorce. You want and need to feel confident that you can reach your chosen goals. So, give yourself time and space to reflect and determine the path.

Nature has a way of taking us into a meditative place. Take some time in nature and focus your thoughts on those three areas of life. Put a small journal in your backpack and head out. Leave the earbuds at home and, instead, listen to nature’s song. Look up and around. This is your time to let nature work its wonders and for you to begin to build energy for the future with your hopes and dreams.

In this age of the influencer, we can spend too much time thinking and worrying about what other people might think of us, our lives, and our decisions. The truth is that all those people are usually more concerned about their own lives. Do not let that worry impede the personal decision-making process as you build your future.

Opportunities

Part of the post-divorce phase is recognizing opportunities in all aspects of our lives because now we have the autonomy to make changes. We also need to recognize that sometimes opportunity is not completely obvious.

Recall the number of times you have said you were so glad you did something you were less than keen to do because it opened an opportunity. Often these opportunities are a leap of faith because we cannot anticipate the exact outcome.

A work-life example would be considering a professional development opportunity. Like-minded people are at these workshops. You meet someone and it might open a new door.

Family life has been upended by the change. Rather than looking at what has been lost, look at ways this has created opportunities to enable you to do things your way. Going forward accentuate the positive.

Are there family traditions or daily habits that need a refresh? These do not have to be big changes because your children are dealing with lots of changes. It could be a slight tweak, even a special question asked at mealtime that brings you together around the table. Mealtime can be a very healing time for a family.

Think of things you would like to have done as a family and did not because your spouse was not keen. Now do it—whatever it is and enjoy.

It is a fact that some friendships and relationships with extended family do not make it through separation and divorce. The world is filled with billions of people and every day is an opportunity to meet someone new.

One good friend of mine I met in the reference section of a bookstore. There are only a few people who beat a path to the reference section of a bookstore. One day I said hello to the one other person there and it turned out we were both writers. We talked about our love of writing and books. Then we arranged a lunch and today I have this valued friend in my life because I started a conversation with a stranger. Those opportunities exist for us every day.

Old friendships have their lustre, but newer friendships bring with them no connection to the past. Welcome them into your new life.

Reaffirm your capacity to be creative, inventive, independent, and resourceful. Your life has a new perspective. Thinking in original and creative ways will take you down new paths. Feel stronger and more capable with every step you take into your future.

Next Time: Priorities and Maintaining Balance

Click here to read more articles by Linda Simpson

About Linda Simpson

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years of surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

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The Four Phases of Divorce and Separation and How to Manage Them
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The Four Phases of Divorce and Separation and How to Manage Them

Published on
Peter Marples
Peter Marples
Director
Fair Result

As professionals operating for many years in the divorce market, there are similarities in every divorce we are involved in.

Whilst the process itself often causes distress – the common phases which most people experience are:

  • Time
  • Cost
  • Uncertainty
  • Stress

How you manage each of these, which occur either during the entire divorce process or can be experienced intermittently is key to both understanding and planning on how you deal with each of them.

Time

It takes time to make the decision itself to divorce or separate. Often years of misery ultimately bring the moment upon which there is a ‘tipping point’.

Whilst that is a milestone itself, the time taken to divorce can be long and you need to plan for this.

Even the simplest of divorces will take a minimum of six months – that is the process set by the Justice system, giving parties time to cool off if they want to or to plan arrangements. We have never seen a situation where a couple uses the 20 weeks cooling off to actually reconcile but I am sure there are some.

But too often, couples apply for a divorce and DON’T use the 20-week cooling-off period to actively manage the financial aspects of the divorce. This process should run in parallel to the divorce itself so that if negotiations are effective then you will be ready to finalise the financials and the divorce itself as soon as the process enables you to do it.

So, the first tip is to use the time from filing the divorce application to immediately commencing the financial negotiations.

Cost

Costs can be significant, the process slow and the quality-of-service provision poor from advisors. As we have said many times before, you wouldn’t build a house extension or even have your house decorated at an hourly rate, so why does everyone agree to this when going through a divorce?

Your lawyer will say ‘they can’t give you a fixed price because they don’t know what is involved’ when the reality is that 80% of divorces require the same processes and anyone with a few years of experience should be able to judge the likely time required, accepting some tasks will take longer than expected but sometimes they don’t take as long. It’s no different to when you are digging foundations.

So, make sure you get a fixed price for your divorce – not an estimate. A fixed price gives you certainty and, in my opinion, means your lawyer is focused on getting you a result, often quicker than charging you in 6-minute increments.

So never get an estimate, always a fixed price for each element of your divorce and make sure they stick to it – even better if you don’t have to pay until the divorce is finalised.

Uncertainty

Probably the biggest issue in any divorce or separation, both before the separation occurs, during the divorce and frequently after.

We have many situations where spouses often stay together because they simply cannot bear the uncertainty of a new future – despite how miserable they may be with their existing relationship. We hear all too often, still in this modern world of spouses that have restricted funding and men in particular use this as leverage to keep them in the relationship and marriage, however unhappy they may be.

Whilst the future is uncertain, for most people they do move on quickly after a marriage, either alone, with extended family or with a new partner.

With finances pooled in a marriage, despite my observation above they are always going to go further than when a couple have to set up two homes and have two sets of overheads. It will be inevitable for a year or more, the finances will be strained. It’s much akin to a couple stretching themselves to buy their first home – after 18 months or so, the financial stretch doesn’t seem so bad.

The key is to try and look forward – life will change, often for the better with a new partner and the grass can be often greener on the other side of divorce.

Don’t let the uncertainty keep you in a miserable relationship. We often maintained contact with our former clients who tell us ‘It’s the best thing I ever did.

And finally,

Stress

Divorce and separation is often the most stressful experience of someone’s life, much more so than the loss of a loved one through death, loss of a job, or other sudden shock.

It causes some sense of failure, uncertainty, and above all – how to move on.

The unknown of the divorce process, the unwinding of joint finances, the arguing and battling to agree on parenting arrangements and indeed finances are all matters that cause significant stress.

Stress needs to be managed and it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Quite often, we refer our clients to CBT support – just 2/3 sessions will bring a sense of perspective to what is happening, enabling individuals to cope with the short-term impact of divorce and separation.

Finding a professional who can help you with all of this as part of your divorce team is important. Look for those that are available 24/7 – our unique WhatsApp group provide such support.

Get help and support and ask your advisors before you appoint them how they can help you.

Conclusion

To get out of that miserable relationship is never without pain, but it is a short-term pain for long-term gain. Don’t be frightened as you are not alone and make sure you find a family law practice that understands the issues described above and most importantly helps mitigate them, not exacerbate them!

Read more articles by Peter Marples.

About Peter Marples

Peter Marples – Director of Fair Result and qualified accountant, with the determination to change the way divorce is transacted. For further advice on financial settlements and navigating divorce, use the contact details below:

  • Email
  • Give the team a call – 07500933818 or 0333 577 7009
  • Complete an enquiry form

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Family professionals show support for the Family Solutions Group call to end the use of ‘battle’ language and the term ‘custody’ following a family separation. Taking the ‘fight’ out of family separation is long overdue to protect children.
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Call to End the Combative Language of Family Separation, on First Anniversary of No Fault Divorce

Published on
Helen Adam
Helen Adam
Chair
Family Solutions Group
  • Family professionals show support for the Family Solutions Group call to end the use of ‘battle’ language and the term ‘custody’ following a family separation. Taking the ‘fight’ out of family separation is long overdue to protect children.
  • Supported by the President of the Family Division, the FSG urges legal professionals to stop using adversarial terms and legal jargon in family separation proceedings.
  • 99% of professionals said the language legal professionals use affects separating clients’ mindsets and their behaviour.
  • 99% of professionals said that small changes in language could make a difference to a child’s experience following their parents’ separation.
  • Professionals say that the biggest obstacles to changing family separation language are habit, and client expectations.

The Family Solutions Group, backed by Sir Andrew McFarlane, President of the Family Division, is calling for a radical change in outdated and combative language used by lawyers, courts, media and wider public in cases of family separation. The call comes on the anniversary of the No Fault Divorce, (Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020), the biggest shake up in divorce law for more than half a century, which came into force on 6 April 2022, ending the need for separating couples to apportion blame for the breakdown of their marriage, helping them instead to focus on practical decisions involving children or their finances.

Sir Andrew McFarlane, President of the Family Division, addressing a Family Solutions Group event said:

“It’s blindingly obvious that the language we have been using is not appropriate and only goes to stoke the minds of those in a combative mindset, rather than direct them in a different way.”

“…this is not a custody fight, it’s a coming together of parents to work together to reduce the impact on their children and help them resolve their issues about the arrangements for their children, in as low a temperature as possible.”

“And bit by bit the penny is dropping. The language is important. I want to do all I can to bring about a change in the way we use language in the court.”

The Family Solutions Group, set up by Sir Stephen Cobb in 2020, say that battle-stoked language and words like ‘custody’, ‘dispute’ and ‘versus’ can heighten conflict between parents, and can have a long-term negative impact on children caught in the middle. They argue that a simple change in the language of family separation away from adversity and battles, towards safety, wellbeing, and child welfare could improve outcomes for parents and their children.

The Family Solutions Group’s call for change is informed by recent polls of over 400 professionals to find out which words are most harmful and helpful, plus a survey completed by 228 professionals.

  • The Family Solutions Group survey found that a majority (99%) of professionals said that the language legal professionals use affects separating clients’ mindsets and their behaviour, and that small changes in language could affect a child’s experience following their parents’ separation.
  • Professionals were asked whether a move away from legal jargon to plain English in client correspondence and case paperwork could improve outcomes and reduce conflict: 86% strongly agreed and 14% said it might have a positive impact.
  • 98% said that using clients’ first names, rather than words like ‘Applicant’, could also make a difference.
  • Professionals cited the biggest barriers to changing family separation language were: habit 50%, client expectations 22%, vested interests 10% and 5% apathy.
  • Over 400 professionals working with separating families, including mediators, barristers, solicitors, judges, family legal advisors, Cafcass, parent coordinators, relationship therapists, contact centres and clinical psychologists attended three workshops in January, February and March and contributed to polls about language.
  • The words custody, dispute, contact, versus, rights, battle and opponent were thought to be the most harmful and damaging, and their continued use sets the tone for acrimonious parental separation and child arrangements. Specifically, stopping using the word “versus” in court headings, like in the high-profile 1979 Kramer vs. Kramer film, could remove the “battle” element.

The phrase ‘custody’ dates back from another era and is loaded with inappropriate connotations of possession and property.  This was removed from the law by The Children Act 1989 and yet 30 years on it is still widely used across media, social media and by the public.

It’s shocking that harmful terms like ‘custody’ are still commonplace in our society and the media, despite every effort to remove them. The ‘fighting talk’ so often used in the context of family separation sets parents against each other, escalating family problems and putting children at risk.  A ‘custody battle’ suggests a tug of war between parents for the control of their child, with parents pulling against each other. Not only is this 30 years out of date, but it’s harmful to children, unhelpful for parents and ultimately damaging to society.”

In these days of increasing awareness of the impact of language upon minority groups, it is extraordinary that there is such a blind spot over the impact of language on families who separate.  The simple truth is that fuelling aggression and battles between parents increases the risk of harm to their children. Our language should reflect a problem-solving approach rather than stoke the fire of a battle.”

It’s clear from our workshops and survey that it’s time for a major culture shift in our language, as people understand the impact on children. There is now a groundswell of support among family law professionals to dial down their language, replacing adversarial and battle-laden terms with forwards-looking and solutions-focused language.  This is all about protecting child welfare which, under the Children Act, should be our paramount consideration.”

We are grateful to the President of the Family Division for highlighting this important issue and leading the call for change.

The Family Solutions Group is marshalling widespread support across all family legal sectors in calling for the end to the use of unnecessary hostile and combative language in family separation.

About Helen

Helen read law at Cambridge and qualified as a solicitor in 1990. Her legal career started with a leading private client practise in London, and she then moved to a High Street practise to broaden her experience. Following a career break she decided not to return to work as a solicitor, limited to representing one parent, and in 2007 retrained as a mediator. She is a founding Partner of Wells Family Mediation and works with clients online, and in person in Tunbridge Wells and Central London.

Helen is one of the foundation trainers for the Family Mediators’ Association and also a Professional Practise Consultant and a Child Consultant. She is an advocate of bringing the voice of the child into mediation and expects age-appropriate children to be offered the opportunity to be consulted.

She promotes an integrated approach to mediation and, as well as working with other professionals within mediation, encourages her clients to seek legal, financial, personal or parenting support outside of the mediation meetings.

Helen is also involved with family policy work. She was the mediator representative on the Private Law Working Group and in 2020, was invited to set up and chair the Family Solutions Group. It’s report “What About Me?“, focusing on the needs of the child following family separation, was published later that year. Helen continues to chair the Family Solutions Group and their paper “Language Matters” was published in September 2022.

Helen is a regular speaker on the need to reframe support for families following separation to be less adversarial and more child-focussed. She delivered the John Cornwell memorial lecture at the Family Mediators’ Association Conference in 2021, and the Bridget Lindley memorial lecture at the Family Justice Council Conference in 2022.

Helen was awarded ‘Family Mediator of the Year’ and ‘Child-Inclusive Mediator of the Year’ at the National Mediation Awards in 2022.

Helen’s clear and unshakeable professional goal is to support parents, where safe to do so, to handle their separation in a way which enables them to cooperate as parents for the years ahead, to the lasting benefit of their children.

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A solicitor and client shaking hands sat at a desk with paper work.
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Solicitors still key to successful separation, despite introduction of ‘no-fault’ divorce 

Published on
Megan Bennie
Megan Bennie
Family Law Solicitor
Furley Page

While it may be tempting to think that no-fault divorce makes lawyers unnecessary to the process, this is far from the case. Taking advice from a solicitor, even if it’s only a single appointment early in the process, can ensure any application starts off correctly and stays on the right track so that it is ultimately concluded in a way that is as efficient and stress free as possible. 

Following the introduction of ‘no-fault‘ divorce in April 2022, one or both spouses now simply need to confirm the marriage has broken down irretrievably. The language used has been simplified and the forms are now accessed through an online portal, which has made the application process for divorce (or dissolution where there is a civil partnership) a lot more straightforward. 

Nevertheless, for most separating couples the divorce application is only one part of the separation process, and sorting out finances and child arrangements can prove much more contentious and challenging.  

Financial matters, particularly the daunting prospect of safeguarding one’s long-term financial future after separation, can be a hugely emotive topic. Many people find that having a solicitor as a ‘buffer’ between themselves and their former partner can help them manage the separation and financial negotiation process a lot more easily. 

Furthermore, a solicitor can be very helpful in dealing with the many complex rules and guidelines that determine what a court would consider a fair financial settlement in that family’s particular circumstances.

As the online divorce process does not formalise the financial settlement, a separate court order (known as a consent order) will still be required, which needs to be properly drafted by a solicitor and approved by the court, even in cases where there is agreement between both parties. A solicitor will also ensure that all aspects of the settlement have been considered, including tax implications and pensions. 

One of the primary concerns our clients have is making suitable, fair arrangements for the care of their children, both in terms of how they will deal with the relationship breakdown and what living arrangements will be put in place thereafter. 

A solicitor can negotiate on their client’s behalf in relation to child arrangements and support them through the court process if this becomes necessary, although for most family’s mediation led by an independent, specially trained third party will be the most suitable route for resolving matters concerning children.  

The best outcomes are achieved through cooperation as, for the most part, separating couples want the same thing: a fair division of their finances to be completed swiftly so they can move forward with their lives. Instructing solicitors who are committed to resolving disputes in a swift, constructive and, if possible, amicable way can make a huge difference to outcomes, costs and stress levels. 

Click here for more articles by Megan

About Megan

Megan Bennie is an Associate in the family law team Furley Page.

Megan joined the team in 2021, having gained valuable previous experience at specialist family law firms featured in the Legal 500 directory.

Megan advises on all aspects of relationship breakdown, whether divorce or separation, including in relation to civil partnerships, dealing with issues such as the appropriate division of finances.

Megan also assists couples seeking to formalise arrangements through pre and post nuptial agreements and cohabitation (or living together) agreements. She can also assist with legal issues arising when cohabitation comes to an end whether there is a cohabitation agreement in place or not.

Megan can provide legal advice on a wide range of areas relating to children including arrangements for contact and who a child lives with, where a child lives (including relocation to another jurisdiction) and in relation to special guardianship and adoption.

Megan is primarily based at the Chatham office but is also available for meetings at either the Canterbury or Whitstable office.

 

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Child Arrangement Orders: the solution to navigating acrimonious separation
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Child Arrangement Orders: the solution to navigating acrimonious separation

Published on
Gareth Protheroe, Nelsons
Gareth Protheroe
Legal Director and
Family Law Solicitor Nelsons

More than five million households in the UK currently consist of a couple with dependent children, according to Statista.

However, with 42% of marriages ending in divorce, according to the Office for National Statistics, this landscape is constantly changing and separating parents across the country are having to learn how to navigate co-parenting while going through what can be an incredibly stressful period in their lives if the split is acrimonious. , explains how child arrangement orders can provide a solution to divorcing parties who are unable to agree on living arrangements for their children.

A child arrangement order, found under section eight of the Children Act 1989, is designed to regulate contact and living arrangements concerning children when the separating parties can’t agree on how much time will be spent with each parent. In these circumstances, the court has the power to make the decisions and specify:

  • Where the child(ren) lives;
  • When and where the child(ren) will see their other parent; and,
  • Other specific matters relating to the child(ren)’s welfare and well-being.

What’s the process?

When making child arrangement orders, the court is required to attach a ‘warning notice’, the purpose of this is to encourage the parties to comply with the order and warn of the consequences of failing to do so.

The child arrangement order must contain the warning notice for an enforcement order to be made. In other words, the person who is in breach of the order must know of the existence of the warning notice. This could be by having a copy of the child arrangement order with the warning notice attached or being otherwise informed.

When a parent fails to comply with the contact arrangement, as prescribed in the order, a party may decide to make a further application to court if they need to enforce it.

If there is a breach in the child arrangement order, the court must consider whether an enforcement order is needed. Before this, the court must first be satisfied that making the order is necessary and proportionate to the seriousness and frequency of the party breaching the order.

Before the court decides to force action, they will consider:

  • The reasons for the non-compliance;
  • The effect of non-compliance on the child concerned;
  • The welfare checklist;
  • Whether advice from Cafcass is required on an appropriate way of moving forward; and,
  • If the parties should attend any dispute resolution programmes.

How are child arrangement orders enforced?

In cases where the court is satisfied beyond reasonable doubt that a person has failed to comply with a child arrangement order, it has the power to enforce it in several ways. These include:

  • Referring the parties to a Separated Parents Information Program (SPIP) or mediation;
  • Variation of the child arrangement order, which could include a more defined order or reconsideration of the child’s living or contact arrangements;
  • An enforcement order or suspended enforcement order;
  • An order for compensation for financial loss;
  • Committal to prison; or,
  • A fine.

What happens if someone breaches a child arrangement order?

Any breach of an order is taken incredibly seriously and the court will often impose sanctions. For example, it can impose a requirement to undertake between 40 and 200 hours of unpaid work or make an order for the person in breach to pay the applicant compensation.

Therefore, if you do not agree with the stipulations set out in the order, it is better to take advice and make an application to vary the order rather than placing yourself in a situation where you may breach it and face the consequences.

Top tips:

  • Think of what’s best for the children: In such a complicated, and often emotional, situation, it can be easy to get wrapped up in the proceedings, therefore it is crucial to consider how your actions will affect your children.
  • Be open and willing to compromise: This is paramount in order for all parties involved to craft the best solution for you and your children.
  • Find a family lawyer who specialises in children’s law: If you have a child arrangement order in place and a party to that order is failing to comply with the terms, then your first port of call is to try to resolve the issue privately. If this is not possible then you may wish to seek mediation or an application to a court for enforcement.

Click here for more article from Nelsons

About Gareth Protheroe

Gareth qualified as a solicitor in 2014 and joined Nelsons in 2016. He specialises in children law, including care proceedings.

For more information on child arrangements please visit www.nelsonslaw.co.uk/children-law/child-arrangements/  

 

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Coronavirus: Is Now a Good Time to get Divorced
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Coronavirus: Is Now a Good Time to get Divorced? And Other Separation Questions

Published on
Emma Davies
Partner and Solicitor
Nelsons

With couples cooped up in lockdown due to the coronavirus, law firms across the country have reported an increase in enquiries from spouses who are wanting to split from their partners.

But with the courts currently closed and the negative impact Covid-19 is having on the economy and housing market, is now a good time to get divorced?

Firstly, can I still get a divorce?

Many court staff and judges are working from home and hearings are being done remotely over the telephone or, in some cases, by video link, so it is still possible, but couples may experience delays.

This is because the courts are prioritising urgent cases, such as those involving domestic abuse or child protection.

However, in most divorce cases, a hearing is not needed. Couples will only have to go to court if disputes regarding financial matters or children cannot be resolved by the separated couple or their lawyers.

Financially, is now a good time to get divorced?

With the impact the Covid-19 pandemic is having on the economy, many people may find themselves in a financially less advantageous position.

Housing markets have come to a standstill, retailers, pubs, clubs and restaurants have temporarily ceased trading, and businesses will no doubt be tightening their belts in an attempt to persevere during these challenging times.

For some, however, a financial downturn could be seen as an advantage when it comes to divorce and securing a favourable financial settlement.

Due to the coronavirus outbreak, many assets may well have diminished in value. Businesses may not be considered as valuable, investments are likely to have suffered, and some pensions will now be worth less than they were only a few short weeks ago.

For the party to a marriage who is – or was prior to the pandemic – in a stronger financial position, the answer to the question “should I divorce now” might well be yes.

Hopefully, the economy will bounce back, as will the value of your assets, leaving you better off than if you had divorced in more stable times.

Can a financial settlement be renegotiated if coronavirus has made it unfair?

Although the timing might benefit you, it may not benefit your spouse, who is likely to object to a final financial settlement being reached until some form of normality has resumed.

Additionally, you should be warned that the unprecedented uncertainty brought about by Covid-19 will mean that the court will likely exercise extreme caution when making final orders, dividing the martial assets until the storm has passed.

Every case is different and it is important you seek advice tailored to your specific circumstances.

What happens if the family home struggles to sell?

At the end of March, the government suspended the housing market as estate agents closed their doors and banks withdrew deals.

As a result, homeowners trying to sell their properties saw the number of potential buyers decline. This, of course, could throw settlements into jeopardy and possibly increase a couple’s capital gains tax liabilities when they do end up reaching a deal.

About Emma Davies

Emma Davies qualified as a solicitor in 2008 and joined Nelsons’ family law team in 2009. She specialises in family law cases and advises on divorce and financial settlements that involve complex issues and substantial assets.

For more information on divorce and separation, please visit nelsonslaw.co.uk or call 0800 024 1976.

Nelsons was established in 1983 and provides support to businesses, individuals and families with their legal and investment needs.

Nelsons’ experience and depth of resource has also enabled them to offer services to other solicitors through Fusion Legal – a mutually-beneficial referrals and support network for law firms.

The firm is recognised by the leading, independently researched Legal 500 and is recommended by them in more than 20 practice areas.

The firm is recommended by Chambers and Partners and also features in The Lawyer’s UK 200 Annual Report of the UK’s largest 200 law firms. Nelsons has offices throughout the East Midlands in Nottingham, Leicester & Derby.

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Coping with Divorce and Separation - 5 Things you Should Know

Coping with Divorce and Separation – 5 Things you Should Know

Published on
Mala Mandalia
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor with
Woolley & Co Solicitors

When faced with a crisis such as a divorce or separation, many people suffer loss and grief and struggle to cope. They may refuse to talk about the difficult issues that need to be sorted out. They may be in complete denial about the realities of their situation. It may be hard to tell friends and family as this makes it all too real and they may well experience prolonger grief after divorce.

However bad the relationship, and even if you ended it, there is loss and the stages of grief. People are frightened of what else they may lose – children, home, money, security, even part of their identity.

As an experienced family law solicitor, I am aware of the different stages of grief, can recognise the stage a client may be at, and I take this into account when advising them, as well as directing them to other support on how to cope with the grief of divorce.

How long does grief last after divorce? What are the stages of grief after a divorce? Let’s start with the first stage…denial.

1. Denial around divorce and separation

The first stage of grief is Denial. It is really the first of our reactions to any form of sudden loss. The extent of it depends on the relationship you shared and how much of your life may be uprooted or altered. It is very common for people to try and initially deny the event in order to subconsciously avoid sadness or the thought of pending mental struggles. People in denial often withdraw from their normal social behaviour and become isolated.

In denial, a person may want to make the other wait, not face the choices, do nothing, hang on to their life as long as possible. Sometimes delay results in a lot of other problems that makes sorting things out eventually even harder.

Examples include failing to deal with correspondence from solicitors or failing to complete and return the acknowledgement form when divorce papers have been sent and serial rows over anything and everything.

2. Anger about the prospect of divorce

The second stage of grief is Anger. People that are grieving often become upset with the person or situation which put them in their grief state. After all, their life could now be in complete disarray. Other times people become angry at themselves if they feel they could have done something more to stop the loss from happening.

Anger and blame can be overwhelming. Sorting things out can feel impossible – all suggestions for the future may elicit a categoric ‘No!’  For example, some parents will use their “children as weapons” to upset the other parent and refuse reasonable suggestions for that parent to spend time with their children.

Anger may make you fight, fail to negotiate and prefer to go to court to try to ‘win’ and have your day in court. This can cost more than it’s worth and then everyone loses.

3. Bargaining to reach an agreement during divorce

The third stage of grief is Bargaining. This is when those who are grieving are reaching out to the other person to make the pain go away. It is very normal and largely considered to be a sign that they are beginning to comprehend their situation. People will often try to make a deal, or promise to do anything if the pain will be taken away.

An example of this could be if one party feels guilty (after maybe having an affair) and offers a financial settlement higher than they can reasonably afford.

4. Depression

The fourth stage of grief is Depression. Contrary to popular belief, depression is something that may take some time to develop. We often think we are depressed when a grief event first occurs, but there is usually a lot of shock and other emotions present before any real depression can set in. The signs of depression due to grief usually appear when a sense of finality is realised. This is not to be confused with clinical depression, which may be chronic.

When a divorcing client is suffering from depression, it is often difficult for them to make any rational decisions. It is important to understand that they may need time and to take things at a pace that is suitable to them. Appropriate referral to a counsellor may be appropriate.

5. Acceptance that the relationship is over

The fifth stage of grief is Acceptance. This is the point where the person experiencing grief is no longer looking back to try and recover the life they once had with their partner. It is not to say that they no longer feel the vast array of emotions brought on by their grief, but they are ready to embrace the idea that they are reaching a new point in their lives. At this point, they are beginning to understand that there is a new beginning on the horizon.

Each will have found a place of acceptance of their new living situation and would be eager to collaborate on how to map out their co-parenting future, how to divide the assets, and how to provide for support for themselves and their children.

An experienced family solicitor can work with clients where ever they are in the emotional grief process and tailor advice to match the stage in which they find their clients.

Often clients in the grief cycle go to some lawyers, who are not trained to deal with the emotional grief cycle. So, clients may end up feeling very frustrated and misunderstood.

As an experienced family law solicitor, I can help clients facing separation with all their fragility and begin the process of empowering them to find their way out.

Click here for more articles from Woolley & Co Solicitors

ABOUT MALA

Mala is a divorce and family law solicitor with Woolley & Co, based in Cornwall. She has clients in the South West regions and South East counties. Mala has extensive experience since 1998 dealing with married and unmarried clients in relation to all aspects of relationship breakdown including: divorce, separation, pre-nuptial agreements domestic violence and financial issues.

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make good decisions when going through divorce

10 Steps to Help you Make Good Decisions During Divorce and Separation

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

Your partner has asked for a divorce and this great void called the future you didn’t expect is swallowing you up. 

You feel like every part of your life is crumbling. There are more questions than answers.

Perhaps the most important task at hand is that long list of decisions that will shape your future. The choices we make can have far reaching implications.

There are ten progressive steps to getting your decision making house in order. You want to make the best decisions for yourself and your family.

Step 1

Identify the problems that require a decision. There may be many depending on how traumatic the divorce, or there may only be a few. Whatever the number, it is safe to say that they are all important. These problems can involve any number of issues including–children, finances and housing.

Write down each problem as you see it. Be as specific as you can. For example, if you are looking at shared custody think of the whole picture. Consider every aspect – before and after school child care if they are young, holiday traditions, and anything else that goes with your children and family. 

Clarifying your thoughts and ordering the problems requiring a decision from most important to least important will bring some relief and clarity. Either it will be the feeling of finally taking charge of your future or you will identify there are fewer problems than you thought. Whichever way it goes, there will be a certain sense of moving forward.

Step 2

Identify the choices you have for each problem. For each one there is probably more than one choice as a solution. Using child care as an example, consider the benefits of flexibility with your former spouse. Try to put aside the intense emotion we so often feel and do what is the very best for your children.  Give these choices some consideration and again order them from most agreeable to least agreeable.

Step 3

Once you have identified the choices for each problem, identify the consequences, if any, for each choice. Again order these from least intrusive to most intrusive. This is where this decision making process might start to come unglued a bit. The choices and consequences might be at odds somewhat. Try to balance them to the best of your ability.

Again child custody is often the place where compromise and consequences come into play. Clearly defining the issues means there is a better chance for a positive outcome for all.

Step 4

This one requires a bit of personal assessment. How do the consequences line up with your values? Consider the values most important to you. Stability, security, fulfilment, love and family are just a few that may be in your list. Can you accept some consequences but not others? We do so much soul searching during separation and divorce. However, the tendency is to be very hard ourselves. Take some time with this one.

Step 5

make good decisions during divorce and separationThis step is an extension of step 4 and ties into our feelings toward the consequences. We may be able to accept a consequence but if it affects our feelings in a negative way then that can be an added challenge. A less than ideal living arrangement may have been a consequence but if it affects our mood for its dreariness or location then the situation has been further compromised.

Step 6

There may be some decisions that require more information before you can decide. Finances are certainly one area that require a fair amount of information gathering. For example, a budget needs to be considered that may include housing affordability, a car or transit expenses, and after school care. There are any number of expenses and some of them you may be handling for the first time.

Step 7

Think of advisers as your friends. Banking personnel that have been helpful in the past might be able to guide you through some of your budgetary requirements. A friendly estate agent can help you look at living options. There might be a self-help group of recently divorced that meet in your area. These people are at different stages in the process and can often offer help based on their experience.

Step 8

Make some decisions and see how they fit. If some decisions don’t work then be prepared to alter your decisions.

Step 9

Assessment of decisions is very important. During separation and divorce our minds are muddled with emotion. That is why whenever possible take as much time as you need to make some decisions. Then step back and look at the results of those decisions.

Step 10

Assess in the immediate aftermath of a decision and then reassess a few months later. How is it all working for you? Unless you have made some long term financial commitment, any decision can be altered or changed completely.

Organizing our decision making is a steadying force in the tumultuous separation and divorce process.

MORE ARTICLES BY LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

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In Sickness and in Health …How Chronic Illness Impacts on Divorce and Separation

Published on
Vanessa Fox
Partner and Head of
Family Law
hlw Keeble Hawson

Chronic illness is a very common component in divorce – and can have a far reaching impact on issues relating to finance and children.

Long terms conditions such as Multiple Sclerosis, lupus, Motor Neurone Disease not only affect people physically but often mentally and can create tensions and difficulties.

Those living with these illnesses may sometimes find their partner unsympathetic, unsupportive and impatient with the effects of their condition. In our experience, partners can also resent how long term health issues absorb their loved ones.

If the relationship ends, and there are court proceedings about finances or children, how does the court deal with someone living with chronic illness?

Those with long term health conditions are entitled to ask the court to consider their ability to work – it is part of the criteria that the court has to consider.

Such a person may fare better than an able bodied person in terms of capital split as they do not have the ability to work and acquire pension rights.

People with a limited life span may find that that this unpalatable issue is raised. There is no point splitting a pension if the other person is not going to live to enjoy it.

When pensions are split, and the recipient of the split dies, pensions are lost to the family. In some cases, dependent children lose out on the financial support.

However the terminally ill are still entitled to their fair split of the family assets to leave to children or family if they wish.

I had one client who was in a home with very debilitating MS but met a new partner and had a very happy life with him once the assets were split – albeit for a fairly short time. Everyone is entitled to be happy if the court can manage it – even if the time is limited for them to enjoy life.

Someone with serious long term issues is also entitled to ask the court to consider the care needs they will have once the marriage has ended. This can involve an occupational health report being compiled.

If a house has been adapted for the person with the health issue, the court may feel it is important for them to keep it. However the needs of any children also have to be considered.

These situations are very hard and need careful and thoughtful handling by the court – and by the solicitor representing each partner.

They require difficult conversations in which unhappy outcomes need to be considered carefully so the importance of having the right representation cannot be understated.

Click here for more articles by Vanessa Fox

About Vanessa

hlw Keeble Hawson partner, Vanessa Fox, has been head of the firm’s family law department since 1991.

The latest edition of the Legal 500 Guide praises Vanessa for her ‘broad knowledge of finance and childcare, and for her passion for collaboration; she is efficient, caring and robust’.

Collaboratively trained and a qualified mediator, Vanessa is a former chair of South Yorkshire Resolution and a member of the Law Society’s Family Law Panel and the Children Panel.

She can be contacted on 0114 290 6232 or at vanessafox@hlwkeeblehawson.co.uk.

Feature Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

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Coping with divorce and separation

Coping with Divorce and Separation

Published on

If you’re just embarking on your divorce journey, here’s a quote that may mean absolutely nothing to you right now but we, at The Divorce Magazine, would like to let you know that the pain does indeed end.

There maybe a lot of work to be done by you in order for you to be able to cope with the emotions and beyond.

We have plenty of articles that can help you in coping with divorce and separation.  Click here and you will find them.

Coping with divorce and separation

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Getting through the holidays after divorce or separation

Getting through the Holidays after Divorce or Separation

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

For many of us, the holidays can feel dark, lonely, and stressful—especially if we are going through or recovering from divorce.

And instead of looking forward to the beautiful decorations, smell of baking pies, and holiday songs on the radio, we instead may feel triggered by sadness.

Moving on from divorce and our lives does not mean that we cannot enjoy the holidays. In fact, we can even make them better than over before when we remember the following.

Manage expectations, but remain optimistic.

For years, we have been inundated with people telling us how the holidays “should” be. It could be from watching impossibly staged meals on cooking shows. It might be from pictures we see in the media of the perfect holidays, or from family members who say “but we’ve always done it this way.”

We have been taught to do whatever everybody else wants to do. Often, we have never learned to imagine how we want the holidays to be for ourselves.

So, it’s no wonder why we feel lonely or stressed when we are spending the holidays alone!

These unrealistic expectations of perfect holidays and families getting along have conditioned us to feel as if we are not up to those standards. We feel that we are wrong, and that we’re not celebrating the holidays “the right way.”

You have worked too hard over the years and deserve more than to get sucked into the idea that you’re doing the holidays wrong.

This year, it is time to envision what the best holiday season means for you, regardless of where you are in your life.

If you are alone, you are still worthy of celebrating the season any way you like.

A change in family circumstance does not mean you are sentenced to feel bad. It just means that you are now given an opportunity to decide how you want the holidays to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Your selective memory may be your worst enemy.

When we are alone, we tend to think about the times when the family was together, when the marriage was strong, and when the holidays were “perfect.”

We’re all guilty of remembering our past holidays when we were still married as perfect.

It’s easy to fall into this trap when we are divorced. But what we forget are all the things that weren’t great during the holidays when we were married. When we shut those not-perfect memories of family holidays out, we are subconsciously setting ourselves up for failure.

We are holding our current holiday mood up to an impossible ideal of selective memories that may not be correct. We do this when we are feeling down, trying to imagine a happier time.

This way of thinking does not serve you because you are holding yourself to an ideal that is impossible to attain. Making yourself feel guilty or resentful or longing for the past will not serve you this holiday season.

The only way to start loving the holidays again is to reclaim for yourself… now.

How to actually embrace the season instead of dreading it.

During the holidays, especially the times when you were married or raising a family, you were probably so caught up in trying to please others. You were almost certainly trying to make things so perfect that you never took the time for yourself.

But overlooking your own needs stops now.

This holiday, especially if you are spending it by yourself and are worried about being lonely, gives you a unique gift. This season, you get to ask yourself and do something for yourself that you may have never had the opportunity to do before. You get to choose the season for yourself.

The first steps to learning to love the holidays again begin here. Celebrating you in this chapter of your life, starts by answering the following questions. Ask yourself:

What do you really want to do?

What will give you joy this holiday season?

What steps will you take to get there?

That is all you must ask yourself. These answers do not have to be complicated. You are not required to spend a lot of money on them.

Now is your chance to take reclaim the holidays.

Shaking off your loneliness and reclaiming the holidays is all about taking care of yourself for a change.

This is the year that you can say “no” to the things from holidays past that you have not enjoyed and that bring you stress, such as traveling, seeing toxic family members, spending too much money.

This is also the year where you can pick the traditions that you love and throw out the rest. This is the year that you can define what a joyous season means to you and choose to celebrate how you want to celebrate.

And learning to love the holidays again, even if you are divorced, starts with kicking those unrealistic expectations to the curb and ignoring the selective memory that plays tricks on you.

These new few weeks can be the season that you finally recognize that you deserve holiday joy and happiness and you have the power to define that on your own terms. Will you accept that gift?

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives.

For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by survivingyoursplit.com/ or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

 

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