how to deal with divorce - Page 3

Photo by Erwan Hesry on Unsplash

5 Tips to Help You Cope with Separation or Divorce This Christmas

Published on
Mila Smith
Mila Smith
Certified Relationship & Dating Coach
“From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consulting

And just like that, we have officially entered the pre-Christmas season once more. It may be the most wonderful time of the year for many, especially parents with younger children: a great opportunity to re-live the festive season through their eyes and feel the excitement again. However, for many divorced or separated people, it happens to be stressful and even traumatic.

The first Christmas following a separation, or a divorce can be brutal whether your breakup came as a welcome change or a shock. The blatantly obvious change in arrangements; the feeling of uncertainty; the sting of loneliness and possibly, anger and sadness at the same time. Does any of this sound familiar?

To add insult to injury, the shops are already full of ornaments, chocolates, and other Christmas paraphernalia along with images and videos of happy families in matching pyjamas which seem to be following you everywhere.

As a Relationship and Dating Coach, I am beginning to get more enquiries at this time. As a woman, I know exactly how it feels as years ago, I was a single mum with a questionable relationship track record. I used to think I was unlucky until I figured out it had very little to do with luck and everything to do with my choices.

If you’re separated or divorced, and Christmas is mainly filling you with dread this year, rather than cheer, refuse to be defeated and take charge with these tips to help you navigate the festive season.

1. Family

Families can be a great source of support, so if you’re fortunate enough to have reassuring and tactful parents, siblings, and extended family, that’s great! However, let’s face it, some families just seem to put you under (even more) pressure and insist on “picking at the scab”.

In this case, there is a radical solution: don’t spend Christmas with your family even if it’s a life-long tradition. Your mental health is more important, so beg forgiveness and insist you must make an exception this year.

Think of the best alternative, which is going to make you happy, be it a trip somewhere completely different, visiting friends, or even being on your own. We live in a rather fast-paced environment and seldom stop to check-in with ourselves especially if we’re juggling a career and a family. Why not use the opportunity and have some quiet time doing something you love, recuperating, reconnecting with yourself and planning your future? However, avoid social media, as the distorted picture of happiness will only torment you when you’re already feeling low.

2. Friends

When you spend years as a couple, quite often you end up divorcing some mutual friends along with your ex-partner. Even worse, some of your personal married friends might turn their back on you because deep inside they see any single person as a potential threat. You’re probably, quite rightly, thinking you’re not just any single person but their friend…

Sadly, it happens: fear overrules compassion in some people, especially if they’re feeling insecure in their own relationship. Perhaps, they weren’t your true friends to begin with, which is now obvious as you’ve become “inconvenient”. You can start building a new circle of friends: look up local book or activity clubs, business or single parent groups, whatever fits.

3. Children

Children are typically resilient, and it’s virtually impossible to shelter them from all negativity in life, so give yourself a break. Research shows that a bad marriage or a combative relationship is worse for kids than a divorce. They are likely to cope better if you avoid highlighting what a tragedy it is. Whilst a divorce is unpleasant and should only be the last resort, we can’t ignore the fact many families fall apart. Unfortunately, it’s one of those difficult parts of being human, like illness and death. It’s more important to try and keep your breakup as amicable as possible.

We’re a blended family surrounded by other multiple blended families and many children brought up by single/separated parents. In my experience, even if you don’t normalise it, the kids will do it anyway. They all talk about splitting time between their parents and step-parents in a very light-hearted manner; and step-brothers or step-sisters soon are referred to as “brothers” and “sisters” which is quite heart-warming.

Having said that, I appreciate it can be hard to put on a brave face when you’re feeling broken inside. We’re getting to that.

4. Emotional release

Think of a creative activity which may help you release your emotions: perhaps, painting, making something or writing. Writing a letter to your ex-partner is a particularly good way of releasing unwanted emotions. However, DO NOT send it – it’s for your eyes only. I recommend a handwritten letter because an email or a text message can easily be sent by mistake or in the heat of the moment. Admit anger or guilt or whatever you’re feeling; explain why you’re feeling that way and how your former partner affected your life.

Write a new letter every week or every month, depending on the intensity of your feelings, and re-read the previous ones. You’ll notice the transformation and your negative emotions dissipating over time. Contact a certified professional if you’re struggling and need help dealing with your emotional baggage.

5. Physical activity

If you exercise regularly and play sports already, consider doing more. If you don’t, now is the best time to start. Stop looking for excuses to delay until the new year! I can’t stress enough how important high-energy exercise is for releasing your emotions. It will decrease the stress hormones and increase your body’s “feel good” hormones giving you an instant boost in your mood. Improving your fitness level will also gradually increase your confidence.

If you have some underlying health issues, ask your doctor for a recommended exercise routine – even walking can help. On the other hand, joining a local gym, fitness, running or swimming classes would be ideal to keep you motivated as part of a group.

Conclusion

Try not to worry about those happy couples or “perfect families” in matching pyjamas. It’s mainly marketing as various businesses are using the occasion to make money (fair enough)! Just stay off social media and TV if you need to avoid those triggers.

As you’re well aware, you’re definitely not the only single person in town. I’m convinced, somewhere (could be just around the corner) there is a single man or a woman who is perfect for you. According to research, there’s no prescribed amount of time you must wait before dating after a breakup or a divorce. It’s very individual and depends on your situation and state of mind. Read my blog to discover sure signs you’re ready to date again and other useful articles. However, if you’re happier being single for the time being – so be it; enjoy and don’t succumb to any outside pressure.

Good luck!

About Mila Smith

After 25 years in the corporate world, I decided to dedicate my time to the field about which I’m absolutely passionate: helping women and men, as a certified Relationship & Dating Coach, find the love they deserve and discover how to build great relationships.

Trained by one of the world’s leading relationship experts, I use proven science based methods which work no matter how many times you failed in the past.

If you’re planning to run a marathon, what do you do? You arrange training with a qualified coach even though, technically, you’re capable of running. When it comes to relationships and dating, you can enlist the same kind of help.

Remember, the best time to work on a relationship is before it begins! I can help you heal, feel excited about love again, identify your ideal partner and bring out the best version of you in the process. Read more if you want to take charge of your love life: www.single-to-couple.com/relationshipcoach

Let’s discuss: call 07970564204 or email mila@single-to-couple.com

Visit www.single-to-couple.com

Follow on Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

You might be interested in

Trust Your Intuition in Divorce
Photo by Tachina Lee on Unsplash

Trust Your Intuition in Divorce

Published on
Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

During divorce proceedings, listen to your gut instinct It can steer you in the right direction. When something seems a bit off, go with your feelings rather than trying to rationalise what your intuition is telling you. When a negotiation appears to be acceptable, yet does not seem quite right, take a pause. Say you require more time. Then get in touch with your gut feelings.

What is intuition?

The Max Planck Institute in Berlin states that intuition is a “form of unconscious intelligence.” It is derived from the Latin verb intueri which means to look inside.  When feeling caught in a whirlwind of emotions, it is challenging to get in touch with your intuition. Thoughts are rapidly swirling around in your brain nonstop. Is there a message persistently trying to grab your attention? Stop and listen to it. Meditation helps many to calm their minds and be in a more receptive state. Do not try and rationalise your feeling.

HeartMath Institute describes three types of intuition. The nonlocal one is “knowledge or a sense of something that cannot be explained by past or forgotten knowledge.” You receive information intuitively of the best course of action to take. Listen without trying to analyse it.  When discussing various options during divorce, pause and get in touch with your feelings. Ask for a break when feeling uncomfortable or being pushed into something. What is your gut instinct saying?  HeartMath talks about the “interconnectedness of everything in the universe.” An example is when a person has a sudden realisation that an individual in a distant locale has died. This knowledge cannot be explained.

Do not argue with gut instinct

Listening to my instinct during my divorce saved me over £30,000.  I got the feeling to go to a grocery store where I do not shop. Then stand in front of the milk. That was ludicrous. My gut feeling seemed totally bonkers. Eventually I gave in and did that. The key person for divorce finances had decided to buy milk at that time.  My mum, husband and I had put money into buying our marital home. My mum lost the papers and the bank had been sold. I was told that I would have to give my husband 1/3 of the house value. The banker who handled this transaction a decade earlier, had remembered it and said my mother paid more and I only owed 1/6 to my husband.  I promptly called my solicitor’s office and put this woman on the line.  When I stopped judging the message, I was able to act on it.

In another case, a friend did not listen to a strong gut feeling and that later caused a problem with co-parenting. Anita felt the marital home should be sold and each of them buy a new residence. She let her husband buy her out. Instead of the teens going to two new places, they mainly stayed in their familiar rooms in the marital home after their activities. The son had visits with his mother, the daughter did not. She wanted to stay in her room and not go out. The father kept saying how Anita had left them and moved out. Two new places would have made the false claim of abandonment unrealistic. The son was able to see through it, but not her daughter. The girl still refuses to be in contact with Anita. Stand your ground and listen to your gut feeling even if you do not understand it.

Whether you feel a prick of danger walking down a deserted street or when negotiating maintenance in a solicitor’s office, be aware of your gut instinct. Your intuition has your best interest at heart.

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.

Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again. She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com     

She writes the Jack Jack The Cat series for children.

You might be interested in

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
//

Navigating Life’s New Chapter After Divorce

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Divorce isn’t just the end of a marriage; it’s a profound life transition, requiring not only legal adjustments but deep emotional resilience.

As someone who has been through this experience myself, I understand the complexity of feelings and decisions you face during this challenging time.

For nearly two decades, I have had the privilege of supporting individuals like you in rebuilding their lives after divorce.

Sarah started our session together sharing that she felt lost and overwhelmed after her 17-year marriage ended abruptly. “I was consumed by anger and resentment. I just couldn’t see a way forward, most days, my anger and hurt got the better of me.”

Through our work together, Sarah began to unpack the underlying issues contributing to the breakdown of her marriage. Often, the initial emotions that surface are resentment and anger, signalling deeper hurts such as broken promises and unmet expectations.

By understanding what these core problems were connected to, we were able to turn a painful ending into a source of profound insight and deep healing.

“Working with Johanna helped me see that a lot of my anger was rooted in unresolved issues from my childhood,” Sarah explains. “I realised I had unconsciously repeated patterns that were familiar, but ultimately unhealthy, for me and for our children.

I find that now I can approach my separation and co-parenting with much more clarity. What used to trigger me, I am now able to recognise and respond in a much healthier way.”

Divorce can be a catalyst for invoking deep-seated emotions tied to past experiences.

As we delved into these emotional layers, Sarah and I identified patterns inherited from her family dynamics and previous relationships that had influenced not only the trajectory of her marriage but how she was navigating the separation.

“I never realised how much my parents’ divorce had impacted me until I went through my own,” she says. “It was as if these overheard arguments from my childhood, long forgotten yet my body remembered them somehow and they seemed to reemerge and play out in the breakdown of my own relationship.”

Recovery from divorce is about moving toward a new version of yourself. Who you are now after loving this person, along with what you’ve learned about yourself and your own needs in your loving relationships.

By understanding the family dynamics and personal experiences that have shaped their relationships, individuals can lighten the emotional load and approach future connections with less baggage.

“This journey has been challenging, but I like who I am much more on the other side of my divorce,” Sarah reflects. “I’m not the same person I was before my divorce, and that’s a good thing. I’ve gained a deeper sense of self, and I’m looking forward to starting my next chapter in life.”

Divorce is a significant life challenge, but you don’t have to implement all those changes alone. You are at the crossroads for profound personal discovery and renewal. With the right support and guidance, you can emerge from this experience with a deeper sense of self, a renewed outlook on life, and the tools to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

As Sarah’s story illustrates, the journey of divorce recovery is not an easy one, yet can be a reflective time to embrace who you are now – on the other side of your marriage – with a deeper understanding of yourself and a renewed sense of what is most important to you in life moving forward from here.

Divorce can be the catalyst that sparks your own personal rebirth. Though the road ahead may seem daunting, trust the process, lean on your support system, and be patient with yourself – for the future that lies ahead is yours to create.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

You might be interested in

Healing the Hidden Roots of Divorce with 8 Transformative Steps
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
///

Healing the Hidden Roots of Divorce with 8 Transformative Steps

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Divorce can feel like it shatters your world, leaving you adrift in a sea of emotional turmoil.

What if the storm you’re weathering isn’t entirely your own?

What if the undercurrents pulling you under have their origins in the lives of those who came before you?

The science of epigenetics reveals a startling truth … we carry more than just our parents’ physical traits. We inherit their emotional patterns, their fears, their struggles, and their unresolved pain.

These invisible legacies shape our relationships, the way we navigate the stormy seas of separation, and the path forwards to divorce recovery.

Inheriting More Than Brown Eyes, How Family History Colors Your Divorce

Your grandmother, widowed young, faced years of financial strain. Though you never knew her story, you find yourself obsessively stockpiling groceries, gripped by thoughts of ‘what if I don’t have enough’.

This is the echo of your grandma’s life experience, reverberating through time, amplified by your own divorce-induced instability.

You are not destined to drown in this inherited pain or financial struggle. By shining a light on the experiences that live in your family tree, you can break free from family patterns to let go of old baggage and move forward lighter.

Unearthing Your Roots

Your journey begins with exploration.

  • Map out your family tree but seeking out the family stories by asking about any difficulties and life circumstances that might be hidden in old photographs and hushed conversations.

  • Discover what experiences did your grandparents face?

  • How did your parents navigate their own relationship challenges?

  • Do any of them seem familiar to your own struggles or patterns or any uncanny coincidences?

  • Be sure to include the resilience & what family members had to overcome.

As you uncover these buried narratives, let them flow onto the pages of a journal. Don’t simply write about the facts, but most importantly, express how they resonate within you.

Do you see echoes of their struggles, similar situations or circumstances, in your own divorce experience?

Illuminating Your Path

The road ahead may seem overwhelming, but remember, countless others have walked this similar path before you.

There’s wisdom to be gained from those who have studied the generational patterns that we all have within our family. Perhaps by seeking out this knowledge and support, you can begin to untangle the complex web of inherited experiences from your own unique journey.

As you learn to recognise the echoes of your family’s past in your present struggles, you’ll gain the tools to separate your own story from theirs. By embracing this process, you open the door to profound transformation and a future shaped by your own choices, not just your inherited past.

Your divorce, painful as it may presently feel is, presents a powerful opportunity for transformation. It’s a chance to break free from cycles that may have silently shaped your family for generations.

8 Steps To Nurture A Broken Heart

  1. Set aside time each day for reflection or journalling to release what has been held inside, sometimes for years. Free yourself by intentionally letting go of resentments, hurts and old stories.

  2. Consider the connection between your family history and your own experiences. Something powerful can shift within when understanding that some of your deeply rooted patterns may have influenced some of your choices.

  3. Here are some suggested questions for you to explore:

    • Who am I now, after loving this person, sharing our lives together, who am I on the other side of this relationship?
    • What have I learned about myself?
    • How do I relate to love?
    • What have I learned about the parts of myself that I avoid in relationship?
    • What positive parts am I bringing along with me?

  1. Let’s turn your attention towards your body. Take notice:

    • What feelings are you carrying today?
    • Are some weighing you down unnecessarily?
    • Take a moment to take a few deep breaths, give yourself time each day for calming breathing exercises, to gradually lighten your emotional pain.

  1. Step into your financial fresh start. Create an outline that aligns with your newly defined values. This isn’t just about practical needs—it’s about fostering a sense of security and choices that feels supportive to your new life.

  2. Connection is key for healing. You might reach out to dear friends or those you haven’t connected with in awhile. Take a walk or enjoy time in a cafe together.

  3. Practice Self-Compassion. Treat yourself with the kindness you would offer to a friend. This helps break cycles of self-criticism that may be rooted in your family history.

  4. Get clear on what you’d like your next chapter to look like by visualising your future. Spend time imagining the life you want to create as this positive focus can be a powerful motivator during tough times.

By embracing these steps, you’re not merely surviving divorce—you’re sowing the seeds for profound transformation.

You’re cultivating self-awareness, nurturing emotional resilience, and consciously shaping the new chapter of your life.

This journey of growth isn’t just about you; it’s a ripple effect of healing that extends to your children, offering them a powerful example of resilience and the tools required for their own emotional well-being – for generations to come.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

You might be interested in

How to Know If It’s the Right Time for a Divorce
//

How to Know If It’s the Right Time for a Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Deciding to end a marriage is one of life’s most challenging decisions. While there’s no universal “right time” for divorce – certain signs may indicate it’s time to consider this option. In this article we will explore key indicators and important considerations when contemplating divorce.

Signs Your Marriage May Be in Trouble

Persistent unhappiness is often the first sign that a marriage is in trouble. If you’ve been consistently unhappy for an extended period, despite efforts to improve the relationship – it may be time to reassess your marriage.

This feeling often goes hand-in-hand with a breakdown in communication. When attempts at meaningful dialogue consistently fail or lead to arguments – it can signal a fundamental issue in the relationship.

Infidelity is another major factor that can lead to divorce. Repeated unfaithfulness or an inability to rebuild trust after infidelity can be deal-breakers for many couples. Even more serious is the presence of abuse in a relationship. Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, like financial control, should never be tolerated and is a clear sign to seek help and consider leaving.

Sometimes, couples find themselves growing apart due to diverging values or goals. If you and your spouse have fundamentally different life aspirations or core values that can’t be reconciled, it may lead to irreconcilable differences.

Red Flags That Shouldn’t Be Ignored

A complete loss of intimacy, both physical and emotional – can indicate a deep disconnect between partners. This lack of closeness often signals that the relationship has moved from a romantic partnership to a mere cohabitation arrangement.

Addiction issues can also strain a relationship beyond repair. Untreated substance abuse or other addictive behaviours not only affect the individual but can have devastating effects on the entire family unit.

Financial problems, particularly financial infidelity or constant money stress – can erode trust and stability in a marriage. Persistent financial dishonesty or unresolvable conflicts over money management often lead couples to consider divorce.

Some couples stay together solely for the sake of their children. While considering children’s well-being is crucial – remaining in a dysfunctional marriage may not be in their best interest long-term. Children are perceptive and can often sense tension and unhappiness between their parents.

If you’ve exhausted all options – tried counselling, communication strategies, and other interventions without success – it might be time to consider separation or divorce.

Important Considerations Before Deciding

Before making a final decision about divorce, it’s crucial to seek professional help. Engage in marriage counselling to explore all possibilities for reconciliation. A trained therapist can provide valuable insights and tools to help you navigate your relationship challenges.

Consider a trial separation. A period of living apart can provide perspective and clarity on the relationship. It allows both partners to experience life without the other and can sometimes rekindle appreciation for the marriage or confirm that separation is the right choice.

Consulting a divorce solicitor is also an important step. Understanding the legal implications and potential outcomes of a divorce can help you make a more informed decision. A solicitor can explain your rights, potential financial impacts, and issues related to child custody if applicable.

Lastly, take time for self-reflection. Consider your own needs, well-being, and future goals. Think about what you want your life to look like in the coming years and whether your current relationship aligns with those aspirations.

Final Thoughts

The decision to divorce is deeply personal and should never be made hastily. If you’re consistently feeling that your marriage is beyond repair and is causing more harm than good – it may be time to seriously consider your options.

Remember, seeking professional guidance can help you navigate this difficult decision and its aftermath.

Whatever you decide, prioritise your well-being and that of any children involved. There’s no shame in ending a relationship that no longer serves you – just as there’s value in fighting for a marriage that still has the potential for happiness and growth.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

You might be interested in

Family Mediation and ‘MIAMs’: Recent Rule Changes. Young people sitting in a circle and having a group discussion.
Image by fabrikasimf on Freepik
/

Family Mediation and ‘MIAMs’: Recent Rule Changes

Published on
Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) have been compulsory in Family Court proceedings since 2014.

MIAMs – What are they?

‘Mediation’ is a method of resolving disputes through an independent third party, known as a mediator. Their purpose is to assist parties in negotiating a settlement.

MIAMs are a meeting which considers and explains the potential benefits of mediation and other non-court dispute resolution (NCDR) methods. During this meeting, the mediator will provide an indication as to the method that would be most suitable to resolve the prospective applicant’s particular dispute. If you are looking to apply to the court to settle your divorce or separation issues, it is a legal requirement that you first attend a MIAM.

The Rules – What’s changing?

  1. MIAM Exemptions:

The courts are looking to update their rules around the obligations to attend a MIAM, and, from 29th April 2024, they will be introducing various changes to reflect this.

If a MIAM exemption applies, then a prospective applicant will not be required to attend a MIAM.

Previously, an application for a MIAM exemption could be accepted in the absence of any supporting evidence. The new Rules, however, require said evidence to be attached to the application.

The courts will make an initial inquiry into whether the exemption is valid, and this will be subject to an ongoing review. If an exemption is deemed invalid, the court may direct parties to attend a MIAM, and possibly adjourn proceedings for that purpose.

In these circumstances, parties are encouraged to engage with the MIAMs because the court will take parties’ conduct into account when considering whether to make an order for costs in relation to the proceedings.

Why?

A stricter approach to the MIAM exemptions means that it will be harder to avoid a MIAM. You may be asking, what are the benefits of this? Well, by exploring NCDR at an early stage, you might be able to (amicably) reach an agreement, and avoid both the time and money involved in issuing court proceedings. Early resolution can also aid in preserving relationships; this may be particularly important in cases where co-parenting is involved.

What else?

April 2024 also brings with it a new MIAM exemption. If a prospective applicant can provide written evidence that they have attended a NCDR process within the 4 months prior the date of the court application (in relation to the same, or substantially the same, dispute to which the proposed court proceedings relate), then an exemption applies. This will ensure that prospective applicants are not unnecessarily directed to attend a NCDR. ‘Written evidence’ is obtained once a NCDR provider has confirmed that the applicant has attended.

  1. An insight into parties’ attitude:

From 28th April 2024, the court is introducing a new Rule for those commencing either financial remedy proceedings or private law proceedings related to children. Applicants who fall within the relevant criteria must now file with the court, and serve on all parties, a form setting out their views on using NCDR as a method of settling.

Why?

The court has introduced this requisite to monitor and identify whether NCDR is a suitable alternative for parties. Requiring parties to record their views about NCDR on paper will encourage them to think outside of the box (or indeed the court room) and consider whether a resolution can be achieved through other means; the benefits of which have been briefly discussed above.

What can divorce experts do?

As well as supporting you in your Family Court proceedings, divorce experts can refer you to accredited mediators that are recognised by Resolution and the Family Mediation Council, to ensure you have the best chance of success at mediating your dispute.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

You might be interested in

Understanding Divorce Grief: 6 Key Insights
Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash
//

Understanding Divorce Grief: 6 Key Insights

Published on

Can divorce be as tough as a death loss?

During my studies in thanatology, the subject of grief and loss, I encountered differing viewpoints on whether divorce can be as tough as a death loss for some people. As a certified thanatologist who has worked extensively with individuals facing both divorce and death loss, I avoid judging which of these emotional journeys is harder, as each holds its unique challenges and emotional impact. What I have come to recognise over time is that both experiences share definite similarities as life’s most significant stressors, particularly within the realm of grief. My practical experience in the grief field, having worked closely with individuals navigating through divorce and coping with death loss, enables me to empathise and connect deeply with the complexities of the divorce experience as well as the deep pain of a death loss. In both, there is the profound sense of loss, emotional upheaval, and the journey of healing that individuals may encounter, which in both cases is a unique and personal experience.

Divorce is a deeply emotional journey that can manifest in many ways

For some, the experience resembles a slow decline, similar to dealing with a lingering chronic illness that eventually reaches its end after years of struggle by one or both parties. On the other hand, some face the abrupt collapse of an unexpected divorce, leaving them bewildered by the sudden loss of what they ‘thought’ was a stable relationship, or even if they had an idea the marriage was not in great shape they had not thought their partner wanted a divorce. These diverse paths of divorce highlight the complexities of human relationships and the range of emotions individuals may encounter when navigating through the challenging process of untangling their lives from a once-shared bond. Understanding the profound impact of divorce on individuals and families is crucial, as it shapes the way we approach support, and have empathy for those going through this life-altering experience.

In divorce, the experience of grief varies for each individual

It is the death of a relationship, yet both parties continue living on. In the realm of grief, this is termed ‘ambiguous loss,’ denoting the person’s physical presence but lack of psychological or emotional connection. It can be challenging to process, as the person remains in your life but in a different role, often limited to co-parenting communication. This situation can be especially difficult for some divorcing couples who once relied on each other but now have minimal contact. Some may feel relief, while others may feel profound pain and difficulty. Both the initiators and the ones that were left do generally grieve, just at different times in the marriage and divorce process.

Divorce encompasses multiple losses

It is necessary to reorganise boundaries and establish new ways of communication with the former partner to name a few. These profound changes and layers of loss often go unnoticed or underestimated, making the process complex and delicate to navigate. Most divorcing people have to go through a lot on their own without much support. In the aftermath of a divorce, it’s crucial to acknowledge and understand the grief that accompanies this significant life change. Each person copes differently and may require support to process emotions and adapt to new circumstances. Practicing self-compassion and patience with oneself and your children during this challenging time can facilitate healing and growth as both individuals move forward with their lives apart from each other.

Another critical aspect of grieving during divorce is recognising that you are indeed grieving.

Many people have come to me, unsure if what they’re feeling qualifies as grief. They may be experiencing anger, not realising that anger can be a form of grief too. It can stem from feelings of loss of control over your life and the drastic changes happening. Grief can manifest in different ways.

Grief has physical, cultural, social, emotional, physiological, and behavioural aspects

Some symptoms can be digestive issues, sleep disturbances, weakened immune system, deep sadness, moments of relief, headaches, changes in behaviour, feelings of isolation, and even jealousy towards seemingly happy married couples. Understanding these various manifestations can help you identify and address your grief more effectively.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on  Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

You might be interested in

New Beginnings with Divorce
Photo by Aamir Suhail on Unsplash
///

New Beginnings with Divorce

Published on
Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce can be a catalyst for starting a new life – a chance to discover new interests and rediscover talents. Passions may have gotten put aside or buried in a turbulent marriage or divorce. Dust off the clarinet. Dig out your paint brushes. Get in touch with what you want to do with this new chapter in life.  For example, one recently divorced woman got back into her hobby of pottery. Now her lovely pieces are sold in various venues. Another person had dabbled in painting as a young adult. Post-divorce, she made this her full-time profession.  She is so happy and claims she owes this career change to her divorce.

Time to put yourself first

You may have put other people before you. Take care of yourself and do what you want to do. This means saying “No” to requests of your time and energy. No explanations are required. When you are over extended, you have less energy and your health can be affected. The stress of the divorce process is compounded when trying to live up to other’s expectations and doing too much. Nurture yourself during proceedings.  Set limits on your time in regards to helping others. It is harder to make a new beginning when bogged down with too many unnecessary obligations.

Take baby steps with change

Think about what you enjoyed in the past. What gives you pleasure now? How can you incorporate them into your life? Start by adding them into your schedule, the same as you do for appointments and work commitments. Put at least one fun or pampering activity in your calendar daily. Nurturing yourself helps lower your stress hormones, which makes it easier to try new endeavours .

Be open to opportunities

Consider taking a class which will benefit you professionally or personally. This can help initiate a new career path or different job. I took the opportunity to join Toastmasters when running into some of the members unexpectedly. This opened up doors to speaking internationally in fun locations.  Try new things when you have the opportunity. You broaden yourself and do not have to stick with anything for life. A friend offered me her drum set after my divorce. I took her up on it, and discovered a new passion. Take advantage of what comes your way.

A change of environment

Sometimes after an acrimonious divorce, moving away is what is needed to start over. Going back to the same cafés etc. where you went as a couple, can keep you rooted in the past.  A friend and his wife moved to a small town from London. After several years there, they divorced. Dylan felt that he could not escape her. Going to familiar places were a trigger for feeling her energy and not breaking free. He wanted a new life. Only when Dylan relocated and began a relationship with a lovely woman, was he able to start a new chapter in life.  New surroundings can be freeing from the past.

Break Free

Ask yourself what seems to be your stumbling block from having a new beginning. Even if something sounds bonkers, think about it. One man interviewed, said that his hair was a history to his past. After a horrible break up, he had all his hair cut off. He regrew it and feels no ties to his past and is living a new chapter. Do what it takes so you start anew.  Some people have changed their names post-divorce, not just the surname. Others have started new lives by going to retreats or an ashram. Travelling internationally and mingling with other cultures broadens one world and view point. This is what helped me have a new beginning and career.   Think about what excites you and go for it!

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.

Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again. She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com     

She writes the Jack Jack The Cat series for children.

You might be interested in

Relationship and Power Dynamics on Divorce: Tips for Handling a Separation
Photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash.
//

Relationship and Power Dynamics on Divorce: Tips for Handling a Separation

Published on
Katy Duff
Katy Duff
Solicitor
Burgess Mee Family Law

Power dynamics within a relationship often continue to play out during and after a separation. This can make coming to a final agreement about children or finances challenging even with the advent of no-fault divorce. The following tips are useful to keep in mind when you are going through a separation and things can feel overwhelming.

It is not ‘aggressive’ to instruct a lawyer

It can take real strength and courage to make the decision to separate, likewise to instruct a solicitor to help you through the process. Seeking a professional’s help to guide you is entirely sensible and reasonable. It should empower you to think about next steps, the future and what is right for you.

Focus only on what you can control

It is not a valuable use of your time and energy when trying to separate and heal to predict or anticipate your ex-partner’s/spouse’s behaviour, as this will  cause unnecessary worry and stress for you. Rather, your focus should be on navigating your own way.

Don’t negotiate against yourself

Don’t  stop yourself from putting forward proposals or requests that are in your interest because you think they will not be accepted by your ex-partner/spouse. With the support of a professional team, you will be aware of all the different options open to you. This should allow you to feel comfortable in what you are suggesting, knowing that in doing so you are still working towards a practical solution for everyone.

Identifying difficult behaviour

It can be hard to manage difficult behaviours from your ex-partner/spouse after you separate, but. you do not need to do so alone. You should speak to your solicitor about any particular concerns and how you expect your ex-partner may react to a suggestion or a proposal. Professionals can guide the case forward with a better understanding of when challenging conduct may arise and how this might feed into wider patterns of behaviour.

Delegating management of the short term

Once patterns of behaviour are identified they can be navigated. Your solicitor should give thought to how final orders (in children or finances matters) will operate when professionals are no longer involved. For example, clear and ambiguous wording will be needed to make clear the terms of an agreement so that you are not embroiled in lengthy and difficult correspondence when implementing an order or discussing the practicalities for handovers at the weekend. This will only foster continuity and stability so that you and your children feel certain about the arrangements. You should speak to your solicitor about any points you think will be tricky in future and they should do the same.

Make the process work for you

Difficult personalities may deliberately time emails and correspondence to you or your solicitor at awkward moments to disrupt arrangements or your general wellbeing, i.e. a letter changing contact arrangements on the cusp of the weekend or a proposal for financial settlement sent late on a Friday afternoon. To prevent this, you can discuss and agree adopting a working practice with your solicitor. For example, you could ask that correspondence received on a Friday afternoon is sent to you on a Monday unless it is absolutely critical for your attention that day. This will allow you to prioritise and reclaim your time and space. Trust your solicitor to let you know whether you need to see something today or first thing next week after you have had two days to pause and reflect.

What about controlling or coercive behaviour?

Controlling or coercive behaviour is an act or pattern of acts of threatening, humiliating or intimidatory behaviour designed to make a person subordinate, isolated and frightened. It is insidious, unacceptable conduct that no one should have to tolerate, involving  behaviour that goes beyond typical disputes in a separation.

If abuse is identified as an element in a case you can work with your solicitor to ensure the risks to you, your children and your case overall are managed appropriately, in order to protect and prioritise the wellbeing of you and your family. The legal system should not be used to perpetrate further abuse and the courts are increasingly sensitive to litigation being weaponised in this way.

You should be able to participate in discussions, negotiations and or proceedings without risk or fear for your mental, physical or economic wellbeing or that of your children. Attention to detail and a wider understanding of historic behaviour is key to helping your solicitor in understanding the situation. This will allow them to tailor their approach and ensure you receive the support you need throughout your separation.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Be positive but realistic

Even the most straightforward separation can often throw up unexpected and unforeseen issues. Your solicitor is there to guide you through divorce, but no two cases are ever the same. You are at the start of the rest of your life and that will take time. There will be delays, deadlines and counterpart solicitors who simply don’t respond. Sometimes it will be slow. Your solicitor will be doing all they can to keep you out of court (or they should be) and if they’re not, they should be explaining why, so that you know what the next step looks like. Court should always be a last resort but don’t overlook it as an option and a way to put in place a timetable that you and your partner can work towards with consequences if you don’t.

Seek support

You should feel supported at every stage as you move forward with the next stage of your life. There are many specialist organisations and professionals with particular understanding of the difficulties inherent in relationship breakdowns. There is no shame in seeking additional professional support including from a therapist, divorce coach or independent financial advisor (and your solicitor will be able to refer you to their connections in these spheres). They will also be alert when it sometimes may not be obvious that help is needed, so be open to exploring those options. Having a network of friends, family and professionals on hand can be key to guide you through the challenges of the process of separation and divorce and get you safely to the other side.

Read more articles by Burgess Mee Family Law.

About Katy Duff

Katy Duff is a solicitor at Burgess Mee, an award-winning specialist family law firm in London. Katy advises on a broad range of issues including divorce, matrimonial finance, financial claims for unmarried parents and matters involving children. She has specialist experience of cases with issues of domestic abuse. She is co-chair of Resolution’s National Domestic Abuse Committee.

You might be interested in

Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach
Photo by William Farlow on Unsplash.
///

Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach

Published on
Sushma Kotecha
Sushma Kotecha
Family Mediator, Holistic Divorce Life Coach &
Mind-Body Practitioner
Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching

Hello there,

Divorce can feel like sailing through stormy seas, can’t it? Emotions are swirling, and finding your way forward can seem daunting. But amidst the turbulence, there’s a guiding light: a holistic approach to divorce and separation.

Understanding Holistic Divorce

Let’s break it down. Holistic divorce isn’t just about legal proceedings; it’s about tending to your emotional, physical and mental well-being too. It recognises that divorce impacts every aspect of your life and seeks to address those impacts comprehensively.

Imagine this: instead of battling it out in court, you and your ex-partner give mediation a go and sit down with a mediator to find common ground. This approach not only saves time and money but also reduces stress and promotes cooperation. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

But holistic divorce goes even deeper. It prioritises the emotional health of everyone in the family, especially the children. Through coaching, counselling, and therapy, families can navigate the emotional challenges of divorce with support and guidance.

The Power of Compassion

Now, here’s where the real magic happens. Compassion is your compass through this journey. It means extending kindness to yourself and even to your ex-partner, despite the hurt and anger you may be feeling.

Practicing compassion isn’t easy, especially when emotions are running high. But it can be the key to healing old wounds and finding closure. By letting go of resentment and embracing forgiveness, you free yourself from the weight of the past and open yourself up to a brighter future.

Practical Guidance for Holistic Healing

Let’s get practical. Self-care is your secret weapon here. Whether it’s carving out time for yoga, journaling, or simply taking a walk in nature, prioritise activities that nourish your soul. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure to take care of yourself first.

And when kids are in the picture, co-parenting becomes crucial. Keep communication open and always prioritise their well-being. Remember, they’re going through their own emotional journey too, so be patient and understanding.

In conclusion, embracing a holistic approach to divorce is like stepping into the light after a long night. It’s about finding strength in vulnerability and paving the way for a brighter future. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. With the right support and guidance, you can navigate this challenging time with compassion and clarity.

About Sushma Kotecha

Sushma Kotecha, an accredited family mediator, certified holistic life coach, mind-body practitioner, and author of ‘Holistic Divorce: Sh*t Happens, It’s How You Deal With It That Counts’ is a passionate advocate for empowering individuals navigating through challenging life transitions.

With over 30 years of professional experience in the divorce sector and a deep understanding of family law and mediation, she founded Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching to provide a truly transformative and compassionate approach to divorce and separation. As a divorcee herself, she fully comprehends the emotional trauma of this journey, and is committed to helping individuals create harmonious post-divorce lives.

Her mission is to inspire and empower separating couples to stay out of court, take stock, and make well-informed, mindful decisions. By embracing a holistic approach encompassing the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual toll of separation and divorce, her clients can heal, thrive, and build stronger connections with their children and family members.

She offers a range of services, including personalised online divorce life coaching, mediation, communication support, and co-parenting guidance. By integrating her legal expertise, accredited mediation skills, mind-body practitioner, and holistic life coaching qualifications, she delivers a service that sets her clients on a path towards healing, growth, and renewed purpose.

Sushma is deeply passionate about helping people going through separation and/or divorce. By working together, they embark on a transformative journey, where she guides them to navigate the legal aspects of divorce while nurturing their emotional and spiritual well-being.

Throughout her career, Sushma had the privilege of positively impacting the lives of countless individuals, providing them with the tools and support to emerge stronger and more resilient. As a finalist at the Leicestershire Business Awards 2022 in the category of ‘Entrepreneur of the Year’, the Niche Business Awards 2023 in the category of ‘Best New Business of the Year’ and ‘Family Mediator of the Year’ in the British Family Law Awards 2024, she takes immense pride in the success of Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching.

You can find Sushma and stay connected through her website where you’ll discover valuable resources and insights to guide you through your separation and/or divorce journey. For her personal story click here.

Stay connected with Sushma on social media platforms by following her on X, Instagram, and LinkedIn for regular updates, inspirations, and a glimpse into the world of holistic mediation and divorce life coaching.

Sushma looks forward to walking alongside you on this transformative path, offering compassion, guidance, and support as you embrace the next chapter of your life with clarity and resilience.

You might be interested in

Mental health first aid after a break up
Photo by Zhen H on Unsplash
//

Mental Health First Aid After A Breakup

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

‘Mental health first aid’ is a term that is most often used in workplaces and it’s also a form of training you can take: like all first aid it is about recognising signs that someone needs help, stabilising if any immediate risk involved and getting professional support to the person as soon as possible. In the context of a breakup, it’s likely that a friend or indeed a colleague at work of the identified patient (you if you are going through the breakup) will be the first aider. It’s often difficult for the person affected to recognise they need help as a part of mental illness is lack of insight into being ill. So, the first step for anyone is to alert their network to the fact they are going through this. This can be difficult as you may be experiencing shame or embarrassment about the ending of the relationship and not want to talk about it, but it’s crucial to alert folk to your situation.

Thinking of the first aid analogy, going through a break can be seen as analogous to organising a major event where one of the first things you would do is ensure you have first aid, ambulances etc on standby as you know it’s much more likely for people to hurt themselves in these situations. A breakup is of the three major life transitions that can lead to what is known as transition shock. The others are:

  • Moving home
  • Changing job/change in economics
  • Changing intimate relationships

Depending on what the circumstances you are in, it maybe that a breakup involves a number of these transitions simultaneously. All of which is to say that just like medical attention, first aid is more likely to be at a public event, it is part of the risk planning, so you should be realistic that your psychological distress may move into mental health needs. So, the first tip is risk assessment and risk management just in case you need help alert others to what is happening.

If you have a previous history of mental health problems, you need to realistic about the higher risk of a relapse in the condition during the transition, whatever that condition such as anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorder etc, especially in this context as major life transitions produce significant stress reactions which are triggers of mental health problems. As part of your risk management, you may want to think about prophylactic interventions such as medication before you become symptomatic, or increasing your attendance at support groups if you are in recovery or restarting some evidence base therapy.

As a possible patient ensuring you engage in general good health and wellbeing practice is crucial. Start with the insights from Lifestyle Medicine ensuring you have the 4 corners of health and wellbeing in place:

  1. Exercise/active life.The single biggest health improvement you can make is to have regular exercise, ideally 3 times a week for 20 minutes, raising your heartbeat is what you want to aim for, anymore and that’s a bonus!
  2. Stress management.Relaxation and stress management are crucial to physical and psychological health. Stress is implicated in all major lifestyle illnesses and every manifestation of psychological distress. Learning to spot and reduce stress reactions is central to living a healthy life.
  3. Diet.Having a heathy balanced diet contributes massively to a healthy mind and body. Try to reduce processed foods, eat a mix of 80-20 vegetable and fruit to meat, control portion size and reduce sugar.
  4. Sleep.Good sleep hygiene is essential to healthy living. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture due to the psychological consequences of missing REM sleep cycles. So, practice good hygiene in your sleep habits; don’t drink alcohol or other stimulants at night, exercise, have a simple and regular bedtime routine, reduce blue screen activity at night and don’t use your phone in bed!

If you are the possible ‘first aider’ it’s important to feel confident in being a little nosier than you normally would. Don’t be afraid to ask your ‘patient’ about their symptoms, at worst you will get a grumpy response to leave them alone, but mostly you will get thanks for being solicitous. What are the types of symptoms that might indicate the need for signposting or referral to professional help?

  • major sleep disturbances
  • significant changes in outlook
  • significant changes in appetite or eating patterns
  • increase in alcohol use
  • dysregulation (anger aggression etc)
  • low mood
  • thoughts of being a failure and a burden on others
  • lack of concentration, stopping and forgetting tasks
  • emotional lability

Any one of them at low levels is to be expected, but it’s about poly symptom, intensity, and duration. If there are several at the same time and they hang around for more than a few days or if they are very intense it’s time to ring the alarm bell. So, what can you do?

  • Give your patient a good listening to. Learning to actively listen to someone without judgement is more often than not the most helpful thing you can do. Unburdening ourselves reduces our isolation and improves our mood, allowing us to make better real-world decisions to improve our circumstances.
  • Signpost and follow up. Know what the services are available in your setting. If you are work colleagues have a chat with your line manager and ask what EAP exists and how that can be accessed for example. If you are a friend, maybe scope out support groups and offer to chaperone? Maybe ask if you friend has talked to their GP?
  • Why don’t you get mental health first aid training?
  • If you have very serious immediate concerns for the safety of your friend/colleague or someone they care for, then contact emergency services who can intervene to take them to a place of safety for assessment and treatment if needed (for example of you ask them how they feel and they say they want to kill themselves and they have it planned out/methodology/timescale dial 999)

Mostly what we all need is to know someone has got our back and is willing to be a buddy in times of stress, and that doesn’t need loads of training, it just needs a big heart, open ears, and mostly closed mouths that murmur support.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

You might be interested in

Will I Lose My Personal and Business Assets in Divorce?
Photo by Anete Lusina: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-choosing-document-in-folder-4792285/
//

Will I Lose My Personal and Business Assets in Divorce?

Published on
Kate Booth
Kate Booth
Solicitor, Head of Family & Matrimonial
Brindley, Twist, Tafft & James Solicitors (BTTJ)

Former partners have the right to claim a stake in anything from their ex’s business to a jackpot win unless the correct legal procedures have been followed to ensure full protection.

Without a financial order in place – which includes a clean break – divorcees are leaving themselves exposed to the risk of being forced to part with personal or business assets.

A divorce simply ends a marriage. Without a financial order couples are still financially tied in the eyes of the law. So if a person later builds a big nest egg, has a successful business, makes a good return on the sale of a property or wins the lottery, their ex has the right legally to make a claim against them.

Although dividing up a business and its assets is a lot more complicated for the courts, it is still not without risk. A lot of it comes down to personal circumstance.

A court will look at various things such as the length of the marriage, when the business began, the kind of business it is, its assets, how much it was worth in the past and by how much it has increased during the marriage – in some cases a business will be deemed as an asset capable of being divided.

Factors which help determine a court’s ruling include the financial circumstances of each of the individual parties, ensuring both sets of financial needs are met to accommodate a decent standard of living.

Where possible courts will look at meeting a spouse’s financial needs without dipping into non-matrimonial assets.

A person who has remarried would generally be unable to make a claim against their former spouse, but the person who remains unmarried can still apply.

People who end their marriages with online divorces, including couples who make a joint application, may be among those who later find themselves the subject of claims.

With no legal advice included in the ‘DIY divorces’ many remain unaware the divorce simply means the end of the marriage and not the end of financial ties.

It comes back to the first piece of advice we would always give which is do not leave things, even if very amicable at the point of divorce, as if one day circumstances change – for example unemployment, illness or injury – a court can only work from values of assets at the time the application is brought.

It may rule that an increase in the value of the business should not be attributed to the person making the claim, but there is always a danger that it might be.

For further details on BTTJ log on to www.bttj.com.

Read more articles by Brindley, Twist, Tafft & James Solicitors (BTTJ).

About Kate

Kate deals with private family law cases including divorce and related financial matters, children, injunction and cohabitation issues. She also advises clients in connection with pre-nuptial and cohabitation agreements.

You might be interested in

1 2 3 4 5