how to deal with divorce - Page 5

how to deal with divorce
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How to Deal with Divorce on different levels over and over again – Part II

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Cont’d from part one – www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – How to Deal with Divorce

Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

And I finally understood, why he was suffering from anxiety. Why he could not bear to be alone anywhere in the house, he always needed someone with him. I finally got the depth of his fear, even though it annoyed me, having him follow me every step of the way, like a baby. He always needed that reassurance.

All he wanted, was a MAN in the house. Someone to protect him, someone to be strong, someone to be around. I could give him love and care, all wonderful female energies, alas I am no man and never intend to be, and he so missed that male side. Yes he has an older brother, but this is not the same, and also not fair on the oldest child to play Dad.

This whole argument was never about his Dad per se, but about a male role model in his life. Preferably one that lives in his house too. His Mom being single, there was no prospect in sight, so he hoped his Dad would come to his rescue.

Also of course the only wish kids of divorced parents have, is that their parents are getting back together. That wish never really goes away. The happy family dream is deep down within all of us. And kids try anything to bring that wish to fruition.

I also learnt, that we all learn the same lesson again, over and over, maybe on a new level.

So when my little one was 5, and we split up, he learnt the lesson of living life as a child of divorced parents on the level of a 5 year old.

While I wrongly assumed a lesson learnt is a lesson learnt…., he learnt to live the life of a child of divorced parents anew when he was 9 years old, on the level and understanding of a 9 year old.

I know, that there will be more levels, he and I need to sail through in the future.

This time around I might be prepared, and less annoyed with life and myself. I know, that this is just a part of development, and I will be proud of my child having developed again. I am relieved, he was happy to share this all with me, it is a sign of trust, and of the relationship we have built and share.

Dealing with divorce
Dealing with Divorce on different levels over and over again

Yes of course it would be nice, if his father would be more involved, or more of an emotional help. Alas this is not the case, and I have accepted this, and enjoy the freedom this brings also. Yes I am fully responsible; alas I don’t have to always get an ok either. Very liberating.

So dear Reader, please know, that certain things can come round and round, don’t be devastated, this is natural, and just shows progress. Imagine how we each climb up on a spiral, and that each time we come to a certain point, we get to work on the same problem again, alas on a higher level. Be happy in the trust your children show in you, believe in your endless ability of patience and love, and all will be well in the end. Enjoy the ride, and cling on to each other, when the boat rocks, you will find smoother water soon enough again.

Never mind the fact that all of my three kids tell me, that they never want to get married. This is also a fact of life, and they are still young, and we will see, whatever works for them. Right now they might be disillusioned, alas later on, they might be more realistic about the while marriage myth, when they do enter marriage, if that is ever up for them.

I am proud of what we became, and how my kids deal with it all, despite of or because of an absent Dad.

I fully trust, that we are all on a deep learning curve, and all will be well, and that all is the way it is supposed to right now.

Wishing you the trust in your life and the certainty, that all is well.

Remember, you are at the right place at the right time.

warm hugs

Caroline

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why work with a divorce lawyer
Divorces are extremely stressful and they can be further complicated when children are involved.

Divorce Tips – Working with your Divorce Lawyer

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Andrew Woolley of Woolley & Co. Solicitors
Andrew Woolley – Founder Woolley & Co. Solicitors

Divorce Tips

Engaging the services of a divorce lawyer can be daunting.

You can take all the advice in the world from friends and family, look for recommendations and do your background research, but you have to decide at some point and you need to make sure that the two of you gel and work effectively together to have the best chance of getting the outcome you want.

You don’t need to leave this element to chance though and by following a few simple rules and asking a few relevant questions at the outset, you have a much higher chance of working successfully with your family law specialist.

Don’t be afraid to ask

The law is renowned for its jargon and it is very difficult for trained specialists to realise those terms that are common knowledge and those that need further explanation. In short, if you don’t understand ask.

If you are discussing matters with a lawyer for the first time and they are using a lot of jargon which leaves you floundering, perhaps they are not the right fit for you.

If there are just a few terms for which you could do with extra explanation, ask and see how they respond. If they are able to go back and make the point clearly and try and cut out jargon after that, it is likely to put you more at ease, which is exactly what you need. It will also be some measure of their experience and knowledge of family law.

Pricing is also something which can cause people to feel uncomfortable, so ask how you will be charged, how much everything will cost and whether things can be done for a fixed price.

Fixed fees are increasingly popular as they can provide complete transparency, allowing you to budget for the costs involved. Ask exactly what is included and if there will be a final bill or will the invoices come at key milestones. Remember, divorce is the legal ending of marriage.

It does not include time spent settling financial affairs or reaching an agreement on where your children will live.

Expert advice on these areas is likely to fall outside any fixed fee for the divorce itself. Clarity on what you are going to pay will help you work with your solicitor as you are not worried about what it is going to cost or whether that extra phone call or letter is going to push you over budget.

Be open

For a successful working relationship with your divorce solicitor, you will need to be completely frank with them from the start and clear about what you want to achieve: what is most important to you? Stick to this and be aware that if you change your instruction halfway through the process this could incur additional work and additional costs for you.

You will need to supply all relevant information when it is asked for, so it is worth getting your affairs in order in advance so you have the right documentation. If you are trying to reach a financial agreement with your partner, for example, there will be a process called financial disclosure, in which you’ll need to supply bank statements and other financial records.

Use your lawyer for their legal expertise

Use your lawyer for the things they are good at, and nothing else if you can help it.

This may seem obvious but, so often, because of the level of discussion needed on certain subjects surrounding a divorce, it is easy to slip into discussing bigger issues. A certain amount of this is inevitable but you are paying a lawyer for their legal knowledge.

They might not be the best person from whom to seek personal advice or emotional support. Family, friends or professional counsellors can help you through the emotional turmoil.

Be realistic

You need to trust your solicitor to do their job. Trust is one of the key ingredients to a successful working relationship. This is helped enormously if you are realistic about the outcomes of the process and the time it will take. Your lawyer can be (and should be) clear on this.

If you “want to take them to the cleaners”, your lawyer should advise that this is not the right approach and is unlikely to lead to a good outcome for anyone. They can advise on what is reasonable to expect and what is not.

In terms of timescales, it will take some months but by arranging a weekly or fortnightly phone or email catch-up, you can be sure to have the latest information and an update on where things are without sitting at home worrying about what is happening.

Above all, you need to keep in mind that a good, experienced family law specialist is there to help and wants you to have the best outcome possible. Choosing carefully and ensuring you work well together will help everything run as smoothly as possible.

About Andrew Woolley

Article written by Andrew Woolley of Woolley & Co, Solicitors.  Woolley & Co is a firm of family law specialists with a team of 22 divorce and family lawyers operating throughout England and Wales.  We offer a free initial telephone appointment to discuss the legal issues you face and explain how we can help.

Call Woolley & Co. on 0800 321 3832

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