how to deal with divorce - Page 4

Tips For Settling an Amicable Divorce: Navigating With a Gentle Approach
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Tips For Settling an Amicable Divorce: Navigating With a Gentle Approach

Published on
Jennifer Bell
Jennifer Bell
Conflict Resolution Specialist

Going through a divorce can be an emotionally challenging time, but it doesn’t always have to be filled with conflict and animosity. When both parties approach the process with understanding and empathy, an amicable divorce can be achieved. In this article, we’ll explore some valuable tips to help individuals beginning or settling divorce proceedings navigate the path of separation with a gentle, happy, and clear approach. Remember, the support of a compassionate divorce attorney can make all the difference in ensuring a smooth and amicable divorce.

Communication is Key:

Open and honest communication is the foundation of an amicable divorce. Approach discussions with a willingness to listen and understand each other’s perspectives. Keep conversations respectful and focused on finding common ground, allowing you both to move forward positively.

One of the keys to successful communication during a divorce is active listening. When we truly listen to our partners, we validate their feelings and show them that their thoughts and emotions are important to us. It’s essential to set aside distractions during conversations and give each other undivided attention. Avoid interrupting, and instead, take turns expressing your thoughts and feelings. Remember that communication is a two-way street, and actively participating in the process can foster a sense of mutual understanding.

Choose the Right Divorce Attorney:

Selecting the right divorce attorney can significantly impact the tone and outcome of your divorce. Look for a lawyer who prioritises mediation and collaboration rather than confrontation. A compassionate divorce attorney can guide you through the process with care, emphasising mutual solutions and striving for an amicable resolution.

When searching for the right divorce attorney, consider seeking recommendations from friends or family who have been through similar experiences. Look for someone who has experience in handling amicable divorces and values the importance of maintaining a positive relationship between both parties. During your initial consultations, pay attention to their communication style and whether they actively listen to your concerns. Remember that a lawyer who understands the emotional aspects of divorce can provide valuable support and legal guidance.

Prioritise the Wellbeing of Children:

If children are involved, their well-being should always take precedence. Keep their best interests in mind and strive for a parenting plan that ensures a stable and nurturing environment. Co-parenting with mutual respect fosters a sense of security for the children during this transitional phase.

When discussing child custody arrangements, remember that consistency and stability are vital for children’s emotional well-being. Focus on creating a parenting plan that allows both parents to be actively involved in their children’s lives. Be flexible and considerate of each other’s schedules and commitments. If necessary, seek the help of a child specialist or family therapist to ensure the plan’s suitability for your children’s unique needs.

Practice Empathy and Understanding:

Divorce can bring up intense emotions, but try to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Acknowledge your emotions and allow your partner to express theirs without judgment. Practising empathy can lead to more constructive conversations and pave the way for an amicable settlement.

Empathy involves putting ourselves in our partner’s shoes and trying to understand their feelings and perspectives. When conflicts arise, take a step back, and try to see the situation from their point of view. This approach can help de-escalate tense situations and foster a sense of mutual respect. By showing empathy, you can create a positive environment that encourages cooperation and compromise.

Consider Mediation:

Mediation can be an effective way to resolve disputes in a non-adversarial setting. A skilled mediator can help facilitate discussions and assist both parties in reaching agreements that work for everyone involved. Opting for mediation often reduces stress and legal expenses, making the process smoother for everyone.

During mediation, a neutral third party works with both spouses to identify common goals and explore potential solutions. Mediation sessions provide a safe space for open communication and creative problem-solving. This process allows couples to maintain control over decisions regarding their divorce rather than leaving them in the hands of a judge.

Be Willing to Compromise:

Compromise is essential in any amicable divorce. Focus on finding solutions that meet the needs of both parties, rather than trying to “win” every aspect of the settlement. Being flexible and willing to give and take can lead to a more harmonious resolution.

When discussing issues such as asset division or alimony, consider the bigger picture and the long-term benefits of compromise. Avoid getting fixated on small details that may not significantly impact your future. The willingness to compromise demonstrates a commitment to resolving conflicts peacefully, which can lay the foundation for a positive post-divorce relationship.

Protect Your Financial Interests:

Even in amicable divorces, it’s crucial to protect your financial interests. Be transparent about assets and debts, and work together to divide them fairly. Consulting with a financial advisor can provide additional clarity and ensure a stable financial future for both parties.

Before making any financial decisions, gather all relevant financial documents, including bank statements, tax returns, and investment accounts. With the guidance of a financial advisor, you can analyse your financial situation objectively and create a plan that aligns with your future goals. Additionally, consider updating beneficiaries on insurance policies and retirement accounts to reflect your new circumstances.

Take Time for Self-Care:

Divorce can be emotionally draining, so it’s essential to prioritise self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as spending time with supportive friends and family, pursuing hobbies, or seeking professional counselling if needed.

Self-care during divorce involves nurturing both your physical and emotional well-being. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient rest can contribute to better emotional resilience. Surround yourself with a support network of friends and loved ones who can provide emotional comfort and encouragement. Remember that seeking professional counselling can be beneficial, as it provides a safe space to process your feelings and emotions.

Keep the Future in Mind:

Focus on building a positive future for yourself post-divorce. Letting go of resentments and negative feelings can be challenging but is essential for personal growth. Concentrate on the opportunities ahead and the chance to start anew.

Instead of dwelling on the past, embrace the possibilities that lie ahead. Set new personal and professional goals, and take steps towards achieving them. Keep in mind that while divorce marks the end of one chapter, it also opens the door to new beginnings and opportunities for personal growth.

Celebrate Achievements:

As you progress through an amicable divorce, take time to celebrate the achievements you and your partner make along the way. Each step towards a fair settlement and a respectful separation is a milestone to be proud of.

Celebrate moments of compromise and successful communication. Recognise the efforts you and your partner put into maintaining a positive and respectful divorce process. Celebrating achievements, no matter how small they may seem, can reinforce the commitment to an amicable resolution.

Settling an amicable divorce requires a gentle and understanding approach, as well as a commitment to open communication and cooperation. By following these tips and seeking the guidance of a compassionate “divorce attorney,” you can navigate this challenging time with grace and positivity. Remember, putting the well-being of any children involved first and practising empathy can lead to a smoother transition and the chance for both parties to move forward with hope and happiness.

About Jennifer Bell

Jennifer Bell is a recent divorcee, conflict resolution specialist, and writer for divorce lawyers in the Philadelphia area.

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I Just Want To Get Back To Normal: Why Divorce Is A Marathon Not A Sprint.
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I Just Want to Get Back to Normal: Why Divorce Recovery is a Marathon Not a Sprint

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

The Long Game of Divorce Recovery

My inspiration this week comes from an interesting conversation I recently had with a person on Twitter. He struggles with the fact that even after three years, he still battles daily with co-parenting and trying to heal from his divorce.

He has two children under ten and says communication with his ex usually ends in high conflict.

He told me, “I just want things to return to normal again”.

The thing about divorce that most people get blindsided by is how long it takes to feel better.

Yes, there are things you can do to distract yourself from the pain, like new relationships or new challenges in your career, taking up new hobbies.

Yet, divorce just seems to have a way of returning to the front and centre of your life in cycles.

After sharing some communication tips with my friend on Twitter, I started reflecting on how I was tracking at the three-year mark after my divorce.

The Sound of Silence

It’s those moments late at night that get you. You hop into bed after the busyness of the day, and then there is nothing else. In the stillness of the dark, the thoughts come.

Memories of the past that were good, memories that were painful. Ironically, even some of the happier memories can make you feel sad because you know you can never go back to those times.

Fears of the future can ramp up anxiety….Will I love again? Will my kids be ok? Is this new relationship really what I need? Should I have taken time to be alone?

These thoughts can come even several years down the track.

Extreme guilt plagued me for a very long time. I went through periods of feeling good because everything seemed to be working, but when the stresses of life and the inevitable bumps in the road hit me and the kids, it triggered the guilt I felt that I couldn’t keep my marriage together.

When I went through an excruciating breakup five years after my divorce, I felt as though I had wasted all that time in a new relationship, trying to prove to myself that I was lovable and could make it work with someone after all. When it ended, it was like confirmation that I was defective.

I experienced a new round of heartache that triggered all my old divorce grief and pain to come flooding back. It took a long time to recover, and I’m thankful every day that I’ve finally healed from both my marriage and my first relationship post-divorce.

I have spoken to many people who have been 3–5 years down the track from their divorces. They are incredulous that they can still be emotionally wiped out after feeling like they are making progress.

Here’s the thing, it’s not like a band-aid. One rip, and it’s all over.

Divorce is an ever-evolving entity.

It might be smooth sailing for a few months or even a year or so. Then all of a sudden, you could find yourself going through an emotionally stressful time.

One of your children might go through a milestone or transition and start acting out in ways that stress and confuse you. You may be dealing with an illness in the family, job stress, or financial worries.

If you find yourself more stressed or worried than usual about something that is happening with your kids, your career or extended family, this could impact your co-parenting relationship, and you may find it harder to get along with your ex-spouse.

You can start to see that divorce recovery is not just a question of how much time passes.

You’re dealing with many unknown variables. Your ex-spouse and all of their life’s decisions, your children and all of the changes and experiences they will go through over time, new relationships and possibly new children that add different dynamics to the family unit.

Even if you don’t have children, you may find that several years down the track, you miss your ex-spouse or wonder if things could have been different.

A Marathon vs A Sprint

The best way to prepare for this realisation is to view divorce recovery as a marathon rather than a sprint.

Training for a marathon requires a different type of game plan than training for a sprint.

Just as athletes prepare themselves for endurance events, so should you prepare yourself for the long game when it comes to divorce.

With divorce recovery, you need high levels of self-care and self-awareness to ensure that you have enough energy and emotional resilience to make it through whatever comes your way over the years.

The number one thing you can do to help yourself is to identify all the things you can control and then set goals around achieving them. (While at the same time giving yourself grace when things don’t go 100% right).

Once you identify those things you can control, you can work on letting go of all the things you can’t. Stress, anxiety and burnout all come from trying to control those things that are simply not in your control.

Let’s look at some things that you do have control over:

  • Your thoughts
  • Your reactions
  • The rules and expectations in your own household
  • How you communicate with your children
  • How you support your kids and provide for them
  • What sort of food your children eat
  • How you manage your finances
  • Your physical and mental well-being
  • Your coping strategies when you’re under stress

Now let’s look at the things you have no control over:

  • Rules and expectations at your ex’s house
  • What your ex says to your children
  • How your ex manages their finances
  • Who your ex chooses to be in a relationship with
  • What your kids eat or wear when they’re with your ex
  • Your ex’s ways of coping when they are under stress

You get the picture. These are of course not extensive lists, but it gives you an idea of where you may be expending your energy where it’s not doing you any good.

Seek Support

Letting go is not easy. It can invoke fear in us. It’s helpful to talk to someone who can guide you to identify what you need to focus on and find the strength to let go of what you have no power over.

It sounds daunting, but once you can get into the practice of only putting energy into the actions that support your well-being, your life becomes more manageable, co-parenting becomes more peaceful, and you can start to feel happy and ‘back to normal’ again.

I hope that wherever this post finds you, you are in a place of feeling strong and capable as you navigate your divorce recovery.

More articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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Redesigning Your Life Part 1: A Guide to Navigate Divorce and Create Your Dream Future.
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Redesigning Your Life Part 1: A Guide to Navigate Divorce and Create Your Dream Future

Published on
Dr Jennifer Ulie
Founder & CEO
Mensana Wellness Solutions

Moving on after a divorce can be challenging, but it is also a chance to start anew and design the life you want. In this three-part series, we will explore different aspects of post-divorce life, from managing emotions to rediscovering passions and creating a new sense of purpose.

In Part One, we explore what is at stake and the impact stress will have on your body. Part Two, we will discuss words of wisdom to help you cope with life after divorce, and Part Three will provide the roadmap of holistic, evidence-based strategies to help you rediscover your identity, passions, and purpose after divorce. By focusing on practical tips, evidence-based strategies, and re-centering yourself, you can embrace the future with optimism and confidence.

Divorce is undoubtedly one of the hardest things you will ever do, but you must remember that you were amazing before you were married and will be outstanding after. You have the strength, skills, and support to navigate challenging times but ask for help when needed. Be intentional in starting and celebrating your next chapter because the possibilities and opportunities are endless to create a life you have only dreamt about having.

I remember the day my ex-husband, the father of my kids, told me he wanted a divorce. To say I was instantly devastated feels like the understatement of the century. We had two young children, one was actually on the way at the time, and I was a teacher, so I remember immediately telling myself,

“You cannot do this. You cannot survive with two little kids on a teacher’s salary. This is not how my fairytale life is supposed to be.”

We had our fair share of issues and tried therapy, but it wasn’t enough. I remember wanting to be mad, but at that moment, we both agreed that because we had two kids, this wasn’t their fault. They deserved to have the best-divorced parents scenario.

I won’t pretend it didn’t have its moments because it did. Still, we managed our entire divorce process without yelling or arguing and had everything settled long before an attorney or judge was involved.

Full disclosure… I didn’t do it for him but for our kids and myself. I do not show up in this blog with some magic advice, nor can what worked for me work for everyone. There was no abuse, violence, or anything like that on my end, and I realise not everyone is so lucky.

What’s at stake…

There are different models of the most significant life stressors, but all of them share divorce as one of the greatest stressors a person can go through in their lifetime. Multiple studies have shown that going through a divorce can increase rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, suicide, and parental stress, especially in the first year during and after the divorce.

Divorce can be varied and complex, which can only exacerbate stress. It can impact your sleep, self-esteem, and physical health, increase financial pressure, and increase children’s stress levels.

Stress and divorce

Our bodies are naturally wired to use stress as a survival mechanism. Imagine you see a fire in your home. Your body is wired to turn on the alarm, a physiological response, to high-tail it out of the fire into safety. Your brain automatically shuts off all non-essential functions and goes into survival mode. After you are safe, your stress alarm turns off, your parasympathetic goes into a restorative mode, and you go about your life.

The brain has higher activation under stress
The brain has higher activation under stress. Photo from (Bruna Portes et al, 2019).

When we have chronic ongoing stress, that alarm never gets to go off, so your body continues to release stress hormones, namely cortisol. Over time, cortisol can wreak havoc on your body, increasing your likelihood of heart disease, cancer, digestive issues, memory problems, and substance abuse, just to name a few. A more significant issue is the chronic stress you’re facing today isn’t just impacting you tomorrow. The impact on your body can be felt decades later when it’s too late to go back and reduce that stress to preserve your health.

After working with hundreds of people over my career, divorce continues to be one of the most pervasive situations people coming to me for mentorship and learning are struggling to work through. My hope in this article and the others to follow, is to endow a little holistic, evidence-based wisdom to you to minimise the impact stress will have on you now and in the future as a result of your divorce now.

As you navigate the challenges of divorce, remember that you have the power to shape your future. In the next part of this series, we will discuss words of wisdom to help you cope with life after divorce. A divorce does not have to destroy you. By focusing on personal growth, self-discovery, and reclaiming your identity, you can design a new chapter that aligns with your values and aspirations. Stay tuned for more insights and inspiration on how to redesign your life post-divorce.

About Dr Jennifer Ulie

Over the last two decades, Jennifer Ulie, Ph.D., has become a trusted voice and award-winning expert on building sustainable personal and organisational systems of mental, social & emotional wellness. Having presented to tens of thousands of professionals, she is a highly sought-after thought leader & public speaker for her wit, knowledge, relatability, and engaging talks.

Dr. Ulie is the founder and CEO of Mensana Wellness Solutions. She has been a teacher, professor, nonprofit founder & Executive Director, legislative advocate, school board member, and legal expert witness. She has founded, launched, and led countless stakeholder groups, coalitions, conferences, programs, and online courses & certifications.

She sits on multiple regional and national professional organisations, advisory boards, and boards of directors. She has published peer-reviewed articles and is an academic journal peer reviewer. Dr. Ulie has been featured on multiple media outlets, including CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox, NPR, and PBS. She can be contacted at mymensana.com or on social media @mymensana.

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Divorce, Suicide and Why not to go it Alone – A Divorce Story

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Charis Rooks
Charis Rooks
Author and Speaker

It is so easy to not be truthful when you are hurt.

I remember telling someone I’m good, this divorce isn’t nothing to me I have been there done that. Unfortunately that was far from the truth and ultimately it led to attempted suicide.

I internalized all my hurt and pain because that what a strong woman is supposed to do right?

It’s a sign of weakness in our society to ask for help or to show that we are human and we hurt.

I actually have a name I created for this specific time in my life. I was no other than the “Great Pretender”.

Have you ever met the Great Pretender? Better yet are you living the life of The Great Pretender right now? Well just in case you are wondering who she is here are a few clues to see if you know her.

The Great Pretender will smile daily and seem always be positive, she encourages others, and even sets the bar as far as accomplishments and goals. She smiles and seems as if she has truly overcome her trials.

Occasionally she will get upset but very rarely and she always seems to get it back together. But when she is around you feel something isn’t right. She says the right things and she has it together but something still just isn’t right. She has trained herself to be the Great Pretender. Not because she wants to lie no it’s just the opposite.

Our society in many cases will tell those who are broken that there is no place for them.

If you’re broken you are weak and if you are weak you are not normal until you fix it. If you are broken in our society today you are looked down on as either in pity, charity, and at times alienated. You are told things such as oh it’s just a divorce you will get over it, or we all have been through it just start a new relationship and move on.

Attempting suicide and divorceBut then that day comes when you come to work and you hear the Great Pretender isn’t ok, she has had a breakdown or just hit rock bottom, maybe even attempted suicide, or even worse she took her life.

You pity her and don’t understand why she is going through what she is going through. Why did she lie and what good did it do her? You learn later that she didn’t sleep much or all she can do is sleep from her depression.

She is sick to her stomach daily and when she looks in the mirror she sees the reflection of a stranger possibly even a monster as I did myself. She is lonely even when surrounded by a crowd of people who love her.

Her relationships are not real and the life she created for you to see is really not her life.

However what everyone fails to see is that she is pretending because she is in so much pain spiritually, emotionally and physically. She has trapped herself in a box to a point where she starts to panic because she can’t breathe. She gives her all and helps everyone else and then the days begin to come when she believes the statement “no one can help me.”

However that is a lie there is help.

Now I can speak of myself because when I was about to attempt suicide this is the box that I was in. I was in the box that I created and I felt at one time I could not find my way out. If you ever hit this point stop whatever you are doing and seek help.

If you feel as if you may harm yourself call the suicide prevention line in your area and speak to someone.

Be honest with them and tell them you need help. Also seek professional help from those who are willing and able to help you. If you were like me and cannot afford it call anyways and talk to someone.

In my case I could not afford professional services as a single mother when I called, but a therapist referred me to a program that was free of charge.

Once I was able to afford therapy I had already built a relationship with the therapist who referred me. So I started my therapy with someone I felt had my best interest at heart.

Once you speak up you will soon realize that your help is already there, you just need to ask for it. Your strength will come when you ask for the help that you need.

ABOUT CHARIS

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again. 

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

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What is eft tapping
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What is EFT Tapping and How can it Help you?

Published on
Susie Johns
Susie Johns
Intuitive Counsellor and Life Strategist

What is EFT tapping?

Susie shares a basic tapping process with you.

Tapping is a process that helps everything from phobias, depression, pain, everything that you are fighting in your life, EFT or Tapping can help.

In our heads we have the good, positive cop that allows you to get on with your life as well as the other bad voice that makes you doubt if you are capable of attaining those goals or move in the direction you wish to.  It asks you, “Are you sure you want to do this? You’ve failed so many times before and you know you’re never lucky…”

So we end up in some sort of stale mate where we’re really not getting ahead yet we’re not going backwards either; we’re just standing still.

In this video Susie shows you how you can break that through tapping from the very start all the way to the end.

What is tapping? Learn and enjoy!

Susie Johns is an internationally acclaimed Psychic, Intuitive Counsellor, and Life Strategist; Her classes, workshops, articles, books, and private sessions empower people everywhere through self-awareness.

Her goal is to help you gain insight into the bigger picture of your life so that you can face your demons, develop a plan of action, and overcome negative patterns to achieve true fulfilment.

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How to Cope with a Break-up

How to Cope with a Break-up and Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce is a life transition to move through as quickly as possible.

Yet some folks relive it over and over again. Their proceedings are their go-to- topic of conversation, which gets old. There are traps that keep one stuck in divorce instead of moving forward with life.

It is hard to forget about your ex when plotting revenge.

This may be repeatedly taking a former spouse to court for perceived infractions, or starting rumours which border on slander. Revenge is a way to keep attached to your former partner by wishing evil things to happen to them.

These revenge fantasies drain energy and time which could be used for something more productive.

People sometimes project their own emotional states onto someone else, like an ex-spouse.

If they are vindictive, they see their former spouse as that way also. Our views are projected onto others as if they are a screen or mirror.  A happy individual interprets interactions as positive and a bitter, angry person encounters a hostile world. A person stating on social media that their ex cannot move on is probably the one who is not letting go.

Could your complaints about your ex really be about your own issues?

Following the same routines as when married, may be a way of hanging on to that relationship. One’s former partner may have jumped ship for someone else, yet they are haunting the places that they went together as a couple.

Dining in your favourite restaurant as you did when married or replaying a song from your wedding keeps you attached. This is like lyrics from the 1980’s band Naked Eyes’ song: “I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me. And every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be. Well, how can I forget you, girl? When there is always something there to remind me.”

How to Cope with a Break-up
How to Cope with a Break-up – Get out there!

Instead of going to the same Greek island or walking the streets of Paris that you roamed as a duo, discover new destinations.

Grab buddies and go away for a long weekend to somewhere enticing. Shake up your routines by finding new cafes and a favourite pub. It is time to exorcize your ex’s ghost by having new adventures.

Open the door and allow joy to enter your life.

Divorce evokes negative feelings such as tension and hurt. It is easy to fall into the habit of staying in the place of anger instead of climbing out of that dark pit. At first it takes effort and practice to notice the sweet things in one’s life – the bakery around the corner, the friendly barista at the coffee shop or indulging in a facial.

When letting go of rage, that clears a space for better things to appear. One cannot add more water to a glass that is already filled to the brim.  That applies to people too.

Get help if needed, to empty out the negativity that is not leaving any room for happiness. The point is to replace something that is not working (dwelling in negativity) with something that is beneficial. Look ahead instead of focusing on what is behind in the past.

Get out of your comfort zone and discover new strengths. One’s passions and wishes may have been buried during a tumultuous marriage. Contemplate what was enjoyable when you were younger and see how you can bring that back in your life. Some joined a drama class, others started Tai Chi, and post-divorced folks began running marathons.

The idea is to do something fun or stimulating which adds new purpose to your life. Connect with others, such as seeing friends more frequently and becoming acquainted with neighbours. Bringing more people into your life fills a void that surfaced with divorce.

When one’s ex is a mere dot on the horizon instead of a constant thought, one has moved on.  After a few people I know moved on after break ups, they began a different type of relationship with former partners, as good friends.

About Wendi

Wendi Schuller - Global Guide to Divorce

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certied in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

Her other book is The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce. Web site is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Your Rights as a Parent

Children and Divorce – A Guide to Your Rights as a Parent

Published on
Carl Parslow Managing Partner of Parslows' Jersey office
Carl Parslow
Managing Partner of Parslows’ Jersey office

Anyone who has been through a divorce, or is currently going through a separation will know just how challenging this time can be on all who are involved.

However, knowing exactly where you stand in relation to your children can make this time slightly easier, particularly when it comes to the interim period between separation and divorce.

Whilst every couple prays for an amicable divorce, this isn’t always possible. Disputes over inanimate possessions such as your estate or possessions, whilst unpleasant, do not personally affect those objects.

However, when it comes to your children, this is not the case.  Parents may agree that shared residence is preferable when the divorce is amicable, and both parents are willing and able to raise the child or children to the best of their ability.

However, when one parent believes that the other is unfit to carry out their duties effectively, a battle can begin as to who the children will live with.

What do we mean by Parental Responsibility?

Before we look at the issues contained within child custody, we should first look at what we mean by ‘parental responsibility’.

The Children Act 1989 defines parental responsibility as possessing ‘all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property’, including the rights and powers over the child’s estate.

For a parent to even consider partaking in a battle for custody, they must understand what is expected of them and what the court will consider them responsible for should they gain sole custody of that child.  

Child Welfare

First and foremost, when it comes to  any question about your children’s upbringing,  their welfare is of paramount importance to the court.

Your Rights as a Parent 2In Article 2(1) of the Children (Jersey) Law 2002, states that ‘when a court determines any question with respect of the upbringing of a child […] the child’s welfare shall be the court’s paramount consideration’. This highlights the court’s overriding desire to protect the child’s welfare above all else.

Before you consider fighting your spouse in court, consider the welfare of your child and what is best for them, as this will influence the judge’s decision.

Considerations Regarding the Child’s Welfare

Determining what is best for the child is not always an easy task. There are a number of ways that a judge can make this decision, and there are multiple clauses within section 1 of the Children Act 1989 that assist a judge in making this call.

The court will not only consider the welfare of the child, but also the following issues:

  • The ascertainable wishes and feeling of the child concerned (taking into account his or her age and understanding)
  • The child’s physical, emotional and educational needs
  • Any harm which the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering
  • The ability of each parent to meet their child’s needs

Marriage of the Child’s Parents

In regard to the marriage of the mother and father of the child/children in question, the law clearly states that when a child’s father and mother were married to one another at the time of the child’s birth ‘they shall each have parental responsibility for the child’.

Whilst this responsibility may not automatically relate to sole custody, it does relate to at least a degree of obligation for the child’s welfare in one aspect or another; this could relate directly to financial aspects of the child’s upbringing, emotional support or matters relating to the child’s estate.

This means that if you go to court and do not secure sole custody of your child, you may still be required to support that child in other ways.

Every divorce and/or custody battle is unique, and each one can be extremely challenging for all involved. However, if you and your partner can agree to the terms of your divorce without the assistance of a court, this procedure can occur relatively quickly and easy.

Regardless of how the procedure plays out, never forget the importance of the welfare of your children, and remember to always place their needs over and above any other aspect of the divorce.

About Carl Parslow

Carl Parslow is the managing partner of Parslows’ Jersey office and he has 20 years of experience practicing law.

Carl was initially called to the English Bar in 1996 and in 2003 he was called to the Jersey Bar as an advocate. If you require any additional legal information regarding divorce and you’re based in the Channel Islands, get in touch with Jersey lawyers at Parslows, via their website or by phone at 01534 630530.

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post-divorce

Dealing with Initial Post-Divorce Period

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Moving on after divorce can be done in small increments or in one giant leap.

Sometimes one may need to get away in order to evaluate their options and just to think about things in general.

One man had an ingenious way to get over a traumatic divorce and get past overwhelming feelings. His mind kept dwelling on his unhappy circumstance and severed marital relationship.

What came as a surprise was the dramatic metamorphosis and finding his purpose in life. Alan’s career was in Martial Arts and his back, neck and joints cried out for him to retire.

What is his secret? Alan left his job post-divorce and booked a Round-the-World (RTW) airline ticket which was for several months of travel.

By immersing himself into the various cultures, Alan’s focus was off his own woes. He discovered that humans around the planet are more alike than different. People have more in common than not and he developed a respect for others’ customs, beliefs and spirituality.

This compassion spilled over to himself, enabling him to accept that his old life was finished. Forgiveness for himself and ex-wife set him free and he was transformed. Alan was on the last leg of his journey in Cape Town before flying back home, when he discovered that he could book another RTW ticket for half of what he had paid in London. He used this opportunity to fly back to Asia.

Going on a retreat can be the key to gaining self-awareness. Alan attended a ten day retreat in India in which meditation was taught.

The participants were silent for the first nine days and spoke on the last one. He had judged others and formed preconceived notions about who they were and what they did. On day ten when all were allowed to speak, Alan was blown away about how wrong he was.

During this retreat, Alan learned more about himself than he had his whole life and spirituality gave meaning to his existence. He now helps others globally to find their right path after situations like divorce.

Gaining self-knowledge and wisdom can come at a much cheaper cost than a Round-the-World ticket. A weekend retreat and being around positive people can be a catalyst for change, as Alan’s longer ones did. Shop around for the experience or assistance that you require in your price range.

A woman in the Philippines said “divorce was impossible” so eventually was granted a “civil and Catholic annulment.” She too desired to get away to find herself and to heal. She searched for the best price for a European river cruise and found out that booking the same one in another country and in their currency can lower the fee.

She got this cruise for half, through the Canadian branch of that global company by paying in their currency. She is enjoying cruising Eastern Europe on the Danube right now. Be diligent when chasing your dream by checking on various options. If one road is blocked then take a detour, however keep trying.

Moving on in the early stages after divorce requires finding your passion. Alan had to discover what gives him the reason for getting out of bed and giving purpose to his life.

Many people found that having something greater than themselves (spirituality in Alan’s case) gives them guidance and reassurance. Connecting to others, whether through volunteering or a social network, is the foundation to building a more meaningful life.

Accept that your emotions will be all over the place right after divorce. Consider getting away, if even for a weekend in order start your journey on transforming oneself after divorce.

Wendi Schuller - Global Guide to Divorce

 

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certied in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

Her other book is The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce. Web site is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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McKenzie Friends
photo credit: The Judge via photopin (license)
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How McKenzie Friends Help in the Divorce Process

Published on
Graham Fletcher
Graham Fletcher
Divorce Coach | Author | Public Speaker
McKenzie Friend

McKenzie Friend, Graham Fletcher tells TDM how divorcing couples can get help when faced with court proceedings.

Having been through the courts system himself, Graham has come to know, understand and master what is required in order for your to succeed in your court case.

He explains how working with an experienced McKenzie Friend can help not only prepare for those divorce proceedings that end up in front of a judge, but how some McKenzie Friends can also accompany you to court.

In this interview, some of the questions answered by Graham include:

  • What is a Mckenzie Friend?
  • What role does a McKenzie Friend play?
  • Does a McKenzie Friend provide legal advice?
  • Can a McKenzie Friend accompany me to court or represent me in place of a lawyer?
  • Can a McKenzie Friend negotiate with the other parties in agreements?

If you’re wondering how to deal with divorce when going through divorce court then you may want to speak with a McKenzie Friend as they can indeed make your divorce proceedings more manageable.

Graham Fletcher is a McKenzie Friend with 15 years experience of working with children and families in conflict situations and a qualified mentor – www.mckenziefrienduk.com

Read more articles by Graham Fletcher.

About Graham Fletcher

Post Graduate Youth and Community work, BA Hons Fine Art, OCN Mentoring Qualification, Trained PSYCH-K facilitator, Emotion Code Facilitator

I think the best way to get to know more about me is to read what my clients say about me in their 130 + reviews (click the links below)

Google Reviews | Linkedin | Facebook | Yell

Prior to working as a McKenzie Friend I worked for over 15 years as a Youth Mentor, Music Project co-ordinator, Youth Worker, Voluntary Project co-ordinator and Special needs play-worker

I have personal experience of successfully navigating the divorce process without paying a solicitor during my own divorce in 2012. This was a challenging time of life. Like many people, I had no idea of how to go about the divorce process and could not afford expensive solicitor fees. Without any formal legal qualification, I found myself in a situation where I had to very quickly educate myself in understanding how family courts worked.

I was successful in getting an occupation order and non-molestation order application dismissed and a shared residence order made in relation to my 2 children. I did so with the support of a McKenzie Friend.

mckenziefrienduk.com

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Impact of a Break-up and How to Survive it

Published on
Danielle Barbereau
Danielle Barbereau
Personal Crisis Coach

A relationship break up is life-changing.

Everything you had taken for granted in your marriage and indeed your life, has come to an end. It overturns all that is familiar, including any hopes and dreams you had for the future.

How does it feel?

Going through an unexpected breakup can feel like falling into an endless black hole.

Dealing with the aftermath of a sudden breakup is comparable to grieving.

Rejection is unbelievably painful and leaves you feeling so devastated that you can only compare it with a form of mourning. Even if the relationship was not very good, you crave the presence of your partner.

This is normal, and the loss can have a significant impact on your health and wellbeing. Going through a breakup can lead to sleeplessness, weight loss, high blood pressure and even chronic depression.

When the breakup occurs, you naturally focus on how awful you feel and get stuck in your recollection of the breakup. The pain you feel is overwhelming and real.

In the midst of this chaos, you have to find a way of rediscovering who you are, what you want, and to create a new life, while you are dealing with potentially damaging emotions.

What adds to the feeling of loss and humiliation is often the manner by which you may have been left.

You would think that when people are adults, they have the maturity to discuss and explain the reasons why they no longer want the relationship. Yet, too often, you are left wondering why it happened because you have not been given any explanation at all or you have been lied to. You may have been given no other choice but end the relationship. All of this is cruel and bewildering and adds to the feeling of helplessness.

As time goes on your emotions will evolve.

It is impossible to give a timescale for this to happen because all individuals are different, but rest assured that this feeling of pain and helplessness will eventually diminish and pass.

impact of a breakup
Impact of a breakup – Recovery takes time

When you are in the midst of the crisis, it is hard to believe that you will ever get better. Yet you will; but of course, it does take time, pain and effort to make sense of what has happened and truly move on.

You may find it reassuring to know that you are not alone going through such a traumatic event. Many people have experienced this and the effect it has on their emotions.

In the immediate aftermath of the breakup, it is all too easy for the person who has been left to blame themselves. It is often the case that they feel responsible for everything that has gone wrong, are ashamed the marriage has broken down, and cannot face family or friends. They fill their head with all sorts of thoughts: ‘I was not good enough, I should have been more attentive, I let myself go, I concentrated on the children, I worked too hard’ etc.

Of course there may be some truth in all of this, but I always say to my clients that the breakup has probably little to do with what they have done or not done, said or not said. Most marriages break down over a long period of time, rather than as a result of a sudden or isolated event. This is crucial: in reality, when this point is reached it is probably too late to save a relationship.

Remember that you are a person in your own right and fully deserving of a relationship which fulfils your needs. A successful relationship is where partners have mutual respect of each other and don’t take each other for granted. 

Towards the recovery

These tips and thoughts are the results of many hours I spend working with people who are left bereft. Some may hopefully resonate with you:

  • As bad as things seem at the moment, these times will pass
  • Accept that the relationship is over: you deserve better
  • Your partner will justify their actions no matter what and may never face up to what they have done.
  • Your partner is NOT coming back
  • You may never know why they left
  • You may never get the explanation or the apology you so richly deserve
  • Just because they claim something, it doesn’t make it true
  • Accept where you are. Don’t dwell on what you can’t change. This will make moving forward easier
  • You are going through life changing emotions; it’s OK to feel these emotions
  • Recovery takes time. You cannot just bounce back; you need to go through a process
  • Be kind to yourself – no beating yourself up and taking all the responsibility
  • Start thinking of you and your future
  • Take control.

You can emerge a better, stronger and happier person, I PROMISE!

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings” Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher, 6th Century BC

What to do next

  • Get legal advice (it is always better to know where you stand and make informed choices)
  • Accept where you are; don’t dwell on what you cannot change
  • Most importantly: start taking some control back, however a small step that may seem. At the time of a breakup you feel that your partner, and may be other people (solicitors, the other man/woman, dependents etc) call all the shots. Time to regain control of your life. The process of doing so will help you regain a sense of self-esteem, which has inevitably been dented
  • Start thinking of you and your future. Reconnect with who you are
  • Focus on what you enjoy. Get out of the house, take up physical activity
  • See a professional relationship coach and get medical help
  • Do not force yourself to make decisions when you are vulnerable. Take some time and space to clarify your thoughts
  • Do not jump into another relationship.

I can say categorically that eventually you will begin to heal and slowly start to create a new life which you will enjoy. Good luck.

Danielle Barbereau is Relationship Coach specialising in breakups.

She is author of After the Split: The Definitive Guide to Recovery When Relationships Break Down

Available on Kindle, Amazon and on Danielle’s website: www.danielleb.co.uk

 

 

photo credit: Yellow Bow-Broken Heart…The Break Up via photopin (license)

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how to deal with divorce
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How to Deal with Divorce on different levels over and over again – Part II

Published on

Cont’d from part one – www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – How to Deal with Divorce

Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

And I finally understood, why he was suffering from anxiety. Why he could not bear to be alone anywhere in the house, he always needed someone with him. I finally got the depth of his fear, even though it annoyed me, having him follow me every step of the way, like a baby. He always needed that reassurance.

All he wanted, was a MAN in the house. Someone to protect him, someone to be strong, someone to be around. I could give him love and care, all wonderful female energies, alas I am no man and never intend to be, and he so missed that male side. Yes he has an older brother, but this is not the same, and also not fair on the oldest child to play Dad.

This whole argument was never about his Dad per se, but about a male role model in his life. Preferably one that lives in his house too. His Mom being single, there was no prospect in sight, so he hoped his Dad would come to his rescue.

Also of course the only wish kids of divorced parents have, is that their parents are getting back together. That wish never really goes away. The happy family dream is deep down within all of us. And kids try anything to bring that wish to fruition.

I also learnt, that we all learn the same lesson again, over and over, maybe on a new level.

So when my little one was 5, and we split up, he learnt the lesson of living life as a child of divorced parents on the level of a 5 year old.

While I wrongly assumed a lesson learnt is a lesson learnt…., he learnt to live the life of a child of divorced parents anew when he was 9 years old, on the level and understanding of a 9 year old.

I know, that there will be more levels, he and I need to sail through in the future.

This time around I might be prepared, and less annoyed with life and myself. I know, that this is just a part of development, and I will be proud of my child having developed again. I am relieved, he was happy to share this all with me, it is a sign of trust, and of the relationship we have built and share.

Dealing with divorce
Dealing with Divorce on different levels over and over again

Yes of course it would be nice, if his father would be more involved, or more of an emotional help. Alas this is not the case, and I have accepted this, and enjoy the freedom this brings also. Yes I am fully responsible; alas I don’t have to always get an ok either. Very liberating.

So dear Reader, please know, that certain things can come round and round, don’t be devastated, this is natural, and just shows progress. Imagine how we each climb up on a spiral, and that each time we come to a certain point, we get to work on the same problem again, alas on a higher level. Be happy in the trust your children show in you, believe in your endless ability of patience and love, and all will be well in the end. Enjoy the ride, and cling on to each other, when the boat rocks, you will find smoother water soon enough again.

Never mind the fact that all of my three kids tell me, that they never want to get married. This is also a fact of life, and they are still young, and we will see, whatever works for them. Right now they might be disillusioned, alas later on, they might be more realistic about the while marriage myth, when they do enter marriage, if that is ever up for them.

I am proud of what we became, and how my kids deal with it all, despite of or because of an absent Dad.

I fully trust, that we are all on a deep learning curve, and all will be well, and that all is the way it is supposed to right now.

Wishing you the trust in your life and the certainty, that all is well.

Remember, you are at the right place at the right time.

warm hugs

Caroline

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why work with a divorce lawyer
Divorces are extremely stressful and they can be further complicated when children are involved.

Divorce Tips – Working with your Divorce Lawyer

Published on
Andrew Woolley of Woolley & Co. Solicitors
Andrew Woolley – Founder Woolley & Co. Solicitors

Divorce Tips

Engaging the services of a divorce lawyer can be daunting.

You can take all the advice in the world from friends and family, look for recommendations and do your background research, but you have to decide at some point and you need to make sure that the two of you gel and work effectively together to have the best chance of getting the outcome you want.

You don’t need to leave this element to chance though and by following a few simple rules and asking a few relevant questions at the outset, you have a much higher chance of working successfully with your family law specialist.

Don’t be afraid to ask

The law is renowned for its jargon and it is very difficult for trained specialists to realise those terms that are common knowledge and those that need further explanation. In short, if you don’t understand ask.

If you are discussing matters with a lawyer for the first time and they are using a lot of jargon which leaves you floundering, perhaps they are not the right fit for you.

If there are just a few terms for which you could do with extra explanation, ask and see how they respond. If they are able to go back and make the point clearly and try and cut out jargon after that, it is likely to put you more at ease, which is exactly what you need. It will also be some measure of their experience and knowledge of family law.

Pricing is also something which can cause people to feel uncomfortable, so ask how you will be charged, how much everything will cost and whether things can be done for a fixed price.

Fixed fees are increasingly popular as they can provide complete transparency, allowing you to budget for the costs involved. Ask exactly what is included and if there will be a final bill or will the invoices come at key milestones. Remember, divorce is the legal ending of marriage.

It does not include time spent settling financial affairs or reaching an agreement on where your children will live.

Expert advice on these areas is likely to fall outside any fixed fee for the divorce itself. Clarity on what you are going to pay will help you work with your solicitor as you are not worried about what it is going to cost or whether that extra phone call or letter is going to push you over budget.

Be open

For a successful working relationship with your divorce solicitor, you will need to be completely frank with them from the start and clear about what you want to achieve: what is most important to you? Stick to this and be aware that if you change your instruction halfway through the process this could incur additional work and additional costs for you.

You will need to supply all relevant information when it is asked for, so it is worth getting your affairs in order in advance so you have the right documentation. If you are trying to reach a financial agreement with your partner, for example, there will be a process called financial disclosure, in which you’ll need to supply bank statements and other financial records.

Use your lawyer for their legal expertise

Use your lawyer for the things they are good at, and nothing else if you can help it.

This may seem obvious but, so often, because of the level of discussion needed on certain subjects surrounding a divorce, it is easy to slip into discussing bigger issues. A certain amount of this is inevitable but you are paying a lawyer for their legal knowledge.

They might not be the best person from whom to seek personal advice or emotional support. Family, friends or professional counsellors can help you through the emotional turmoil.

Be realistic

You need to trust your solicitor to do their job. Trust is one of the key ingredients to a successful working relationship. This is helped enormously if you are realistic about the outcomes of the process and the time it will take. Your lawyer can be (and should be) clear on this.

If you “want to take them to the cleaners”, your lawyer should advise that this is not the right approach and is unlikely to lead to a good outcome for anyone. They can advise on what is reasonable to expect and what is not.

In terms of timescales, it will take some months but by arranging a weekly or fortnightly phone or email catch-up, you can be sure to have the latest information and an update on where things are without sitting at home worrying about what is happening.

Above all, you need to keep in mind that a good, experienced family law specialist is there to help and wants you to have the best outcome possible. Choosing carefully and ensuring you work well together will help everything run as smoothly as possible.

About Andrew Woolley

Article written by Andrew Woolley of Woolley & Co, Solicitors.  Woolley & Co is a firm of family law specialists with a team of 22 divorce and family lawyers operating throughout England and Wales.  We offer a free initial telephone appointment to discuss the legal issues you face and explain how we can help.

Call Woolley & Co. on 0800 321 3832

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