Johanna Lynn

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The Grey Divorce Surge – The Truth About Divorce After 50

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

The house felt different now that Emma and Reya were off at university. For seventeen years, the demands of family life had functioned as a kind of silent third party in the marriage, absorbing attention, energy, and everything neither of them had found the time to say.

She had moved through those years like a woman crossing a river on stones, each step requiring just enough focus that she never looked up to see where she was going. Now she stands on the opposite bank, looking across to her husband and between them lay years of unspoken things. The resentments had built up in the background, from small things to more significant hurts and misunderstandings that had accumulated.

There had been apologies, they each said it was fine. And it was fine, in the moment, because there was no time to not be fine. There was a parent with a scary diagnosis that needed attention and a parent-teacher conference that night and the dentist appointment that kept getting forgotten.

Lately, the truth had started to feel more urgent than keeping the peace. Twenty years ago she would have swallowed the comment he made about her mother. This time she turned to him in the car and said, with quiet clarity: ‘That’s unfair, actually unkind, and you know it is.’

Sometimes in the quiet after the children leave, the unspoken things finally get to speak.

The Rise of Grey Divorce

This experience is far from unusual. Separations among people aged 50 and older have roughly doubled since 1990. Breakups in this demographic cluster in the mid-40s to mid-50s, that  perfect storm where children launch, careers plateau, and for many women, perimenopause and menopause insist on a biological and psychological renegotiation of everything that came before.

Most people don’t decide to suddenly leave a long marriage, they simply stop being able to stay because of all that has accumulated.

Often a result of two people slowly becoming strangers under the same roof, grey divorce tends to arrive not as a shock, but as the name for something that has been true for a very long time. Arriving when the scaffolding of family life comes down and what remains is simply two people, often surprised by how little they recognize each other.

Many people talk about the end of a long marriage as though it is some sort of failure. It absolutely isn’t. The marriage that raised your family and shaped the person standing here today deserves respect, not judgement. What you shared together was real, even if what you need now is different.

What would truly hurt is to let this ending harden your heart, to stay stuck in blame, repeating old hurts that no longer have anywhere useful to go. To walk into a new relationship carrying the same patterns that broke the last one.

The wisdom is in being able to say, this mattered, this shaped me, and it is complete. That is not giving up. That is acknowledgment, discernment and the foundation every next chapter deserves

The grey divorce surge is not a generation walking away from commitment. It is a generation finally understanding that staying, at any cost, in any condition, was never the same thing as living in a healthy marriage.

Knowing that doesn’t make leaving easy. That doesn’t make the ending any less complicated to live through. The years are too tangled, the memories too layered, the love, even when it has changed beyond recognition, too real to simply file away in divorce court.

What I have seen, in 20 years of working with couples through grey divorce, is that the grief is real and the relief is real, and both of those things can be true at once. You are allowed to mourn a marriage you also know you needed to leave. You are allowed to be grateful for what it was and honest about what it became.

If you are reading this and recognizing your own life in these words, the accumulated silences, the apologies that were never quite enough, what rises is often not just the end of a marriage, but the echo of older patterns asking to be seen. The real question is not “who is to blame,” but much more connected to what is this ending here to reveal?  From that clarity, you can grieve and you can exhale, before deciding your next step.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is a therapist with over 20 years’ experience working with couples and individuals navigating relationships. Specialising in grey divorce and re-building life after divorce. Visit www.johannalynn.ca

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Keeping Divorce Pain Out of Parenting
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Keeping Divorce Pain Out of Parenting

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

When your child does or says something that reminds you of their other parent, it can stir up all kinds of mixed emotions. A certain expression, a way of laughing, or a habit that is unmistakably their other parent. In those moments, it can be easy to get pulled into fear, frustration or unresolved hurt.

Sitting back with your cup of tea in hand, you remember your choice that the love for your children has to be the guiding force through all of this, even when resentment, exhaustion, or heartache threaten to take over.

Divorce reshapes everything. One home becomes two. The quiet of shared evenings now echoes with the absence of the other parent. And the children—caught in the in-between—look to you for answers. They don’t ask outright, but they watch, listen, absorb. Their sense of security hinges on how you navigate this new landscape.

What I’ve observed in my almost 20 years in my practice is that divorce can become a battlefield, with children unwittingly caught in the crossfire. It’s tempting, in a moment of frustration, to let a sigh escape when their other parent is late again. To roll your eyes when they rave about the fun weekend they had with them. To let your disappointment seep into conversations meant to be neutral.

The truth is, your pain in this relationship ending is yours to carry, not theirs.

Your children don’t need to know about the arguments over who forgot to send the backpack or the text messages left unanswered. They shouldn’t have to decode passive-aggressive comments or feel the tension created when they mention their other parent’s name.

Children do best when they can love both parents without hesitation, without guilt, without fear or feeling like they need to have an alliance with one parent, leaving out the other.

You may have every reason to be angry, still carrying wounds that feel impossible to heal. What is also true at the same time is that for your child, their other parent is someone they love, someone who is a part of their world. And for their wellbeing, having access to both parents without tension or conflict will make all the difference in their lives.

That means keeping what belongs between you and your co-parent exactly where it should stay—between the two of you. When the tension rises, take a deep breath before responding. If the other parent fails to follow through, handle it without dragging your child into the disappointment.

It’s natural that there will be times you want to make sense of all that happened, find a friend, a therapist, a journal—anything but your child’s open, impressionable heart. They are not your allies in the war of who is the better parent. They are simply your children, and they need to be allowed to love both of their parents.

That doesn’t mean ignoring reality. Children are perceptive, and they know when things have changed. Acknowledge their feelings without making them carry yours. “I know it’s different now. I know you miss how things used to be.” Remind them that Mum and Dad will always agree on is loving you. Make it clear “You don’t have to choose. You are loved—fully, completely—by both of us.”

Your child will one day grow up and form their own conclusions about both parents. Let those conclusions be built on their experiences, not on the whispers of resentment they picked up over the years. Give them the gift of a childhood where they were free to love openly, without the burden of carrying someone else’s pain.

Co-parenting is not about proving who is the better parent. It’s about giving your child the stability they need to thrive in a world that has already shifted beneath their feet.

So when they come home talking about the amazing trip they had with their other parent, smile. Let them be excited. Let them know their happiness is never a betrayal. When they struggle with the changes, be the place where they can land softly, without judgment, without expectation, just love.

The greatest gift you can give your child after divorce isn’t a flawless parenting schedule. It’s the freedom to love both parents without the pressure to choose sides, that is something that will stay with them far beyond childhood into who they become as adults, into the relationships they build, and into the way they show up in the world.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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The Beginning After the End
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The Beginning After the End

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Sarah’s hand trembled as she set down the pen. The last signature was still drying on the divorce papers, a final punctuation mark on fifteen years of marriage.

It seemed that all there was left to do in this moment was to gather up her things, nod a brief thanks to her lawyer, try to hold a soft smile that signalled good-bye in Tom’s direction before pushing through the heavy courthouse doors. Her exhale once she passed through those doors came out ragged and deep, as if she’d been holding that same breath since the moment she’d signed the papers.

As Sarah stepped outside, she couldn’t help but notice that everything looked exactly the same. The same cracked sidewalk, same guy selling coffee from his cart, same traffic noise. Everything around her seemed the same, yet inside she felt like a completely different person.

Sarah sat in the car for a long time, gripping the steering wheel, not sure where to go. Home? Did it even feel like that anymore?

That evening, Sarah stood in her half-empty apartment, looking over at the pile of boxes, marked Tom or Sarah. Sarah’s thoughts drifted to how seamlessly their lives had once flowed together, now reduced to his pile and hers.

In the corner, her old easel caught her eye, dusty but still standing. She’d tucked away her creative dreams so gradually she’d barely noticed their disappearance, like photos fading in the sun.

Weeks passed, and slowly, Sarah began to create her new normal. She moved the bed to face the window, something Tom had always resisted. She replaced their beige walls with rich teals and golds. On Thursdays, she started taking ceramics classes at the local art centre, her hands learning to create something beautiful from formless clay.

Sarah intentionally set aside moments for quiet reflection. She gifted herself a beautiful leather bound journal and each day she’d sit with another question. Questions like:

  • What do I actually want, when I don’t have to compromise?
  • Who am I on the other side of this relationship?
  • What dreams did I put on the back burner?
  • What have I learned about myself?
  • What do I really need in my loving connections?
  • What am I choosing for my life now?

These questions aren’t easy—but they are the ones that open the door to your new life.

The real work is learning to sit with both the pain of loss and the possibilities in new beginnings—because they both have something to teach you.

Divorce has a way of throwing you into the deep end – exploring parts of yourself that perhaps you pushed to the side.

Three months after signing the papers, Sarah found herself in her newly arranged living room, surrounded by half-finished paintings. Her hands were stained with vibrant acrylics, and her cup of coffee sat forgotten on the windowsill.

As she stepped back to study her work, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror – hair messily tied back, paint-splattered shirt, and something new in her eyes. Not happiness, exactly, but something closer to peace.

She realised then that divorce hadn’t just ended something; it had cracked her life wide open. Through these cracks, new light was pouring in, illuminating possibilities she’d forgotten existed.

Divorce isn’t just an ending—it’s the start of a whole new chapter and you’re both the author and the main character.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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5 Essentials for Raising Resilient, Happy Kids Through Divorce
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5 Essentials for Raising Resilient, Happy Kids Through Divorce

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Navigating co-parenting when emotions are raw can challenge even the most loving parents. The truth is, how you and your child’s parent communicate, prioritise your children’s best interests over your hurts and handle differences can make all the difference in your child’s life.

In my almost 20 years of working with families, I’d like to share with you 6 essential strategies to create that supportive foundation to co-parent well, to give your children the security and love they need to thrive, even during challenging times.

1. Celebrate Your Family’s Story – even though it looks different now.

Whenever you can share good stories about their other parent, that is what supports your child. Giving the message: “Our family is different now and this is sad for you. And there were many beautiful things in our history as a family.”

Remember the importance of the message: “No matter what else might be going on, we will always agree about how much we love you.”

2. Shared Celebrations

Our children benefit from shared family moments like weddings, graduations, and other significant moments, like birthdays or anniversaries. If a big event overlaps with your usual time together, consider being flexible. It’s a small gesture with a big impact, showing your child that family can come together to celebrate them, no matter what.

Even when our kids are grown, these are the moments memories are made out of and these milestones mean so much, and having both sides of the family makes it less likely that your child feels pulled into alliances.

This is an act that prioritises your child’s emotional needs above what may be an uncomfortable moment for you to share the celebration.

3. Don’t Take It Personally

When kids act distant or pull away, especially in a time of big changes, it can sting. It’s essential to keep in mind that this is often a reaction to the situation—not to you. Hold steady and stay close to your kids, even if they seem to be pushing you away.

You are more mature, hold on to your kids despite their temporary rejection.

Kids feel better about themselves when they can see the good in both their parents. Even when it’s hard, share a kind word about their parent, sharing a fond memory or something you appreciate about them.

Keep the big picture in mind along with what’s best for your kids – when your child hears you respect and appreciate their other parent, they feel more secure and valued, knowing they don’t have to choose sides to feel loved.

4. How Consistency Builds Security for Your Kids

Consistency—both in actions and emotions—is essential for children’s wellbeing, especially after a major life change. Your kids need to know they can rely on you, not only by showing up on time and keeping commitments but also by providing a steady emotional presence.

Especially when life feels uncertain, try to bring a calm, reassuring energy to your interactions with them. If something arises and you need to cancel plans, give them plenty of notice to avoid disappointment. This mix of practical reliability and emotional steadiness becomes an anchor, helping them feel secure and letting them know they can count on you no matter what.

5.  The Dad Effect – How Your Relationship with Him Shapes Your Kids

When parents struggle, that tension doesn’t just stay with them; it can linger in their kids. Family stories, even the unspoken ones, live on inside us. By showing respect for your child’s other parent—through small, everyday acts—you’re protecting your child from carrying the pain of the past and making it much less likely that they will replicate the pain inside of their parent’s relationship.

Divorce is hard, and trying to co-parent while still healing is no easy feat. But your love for your kids keeps you moving forward. Navigating co-parenting can be complex, and it’s natural to feel uncertain at times.

If you’re feeling the weight of it all and would like some support to create a co-parenting approach that truly works, seek support.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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Navigating Life’s New Chapter After Divorce

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Divorce isn’t just the end of a marriage; it’s a profound life transition, requiring not only legal adjustments but deep emotional resilience.

As someone who has been through this experience myself, I understand the complexity of feelings and decisions you face during this challenging time.

For nearly two decades, I have had the privilege of supporting individuals like you in rebuilding their lives after divorce.

Sarah started our session together sharing that she felt lost and overwhelmed after her 17-year marriage ended abruptly. “I was consumed by anger and resentment. I just couldn’t see a way forward, most days, my anger and hurt got the better of me.”

Through our work together, Sarah began to unpack the underlying issues contributing to the breakdown of her marriage. Often, the initial emotions that surface are resentment and anger, signalling deeper hurts such as broken promises and unmet expectations.

By understanding what these core problems were connected to, we were able to turn a painful ending into a source of profound insight and deep healing.

“Working with Johanna helped me see that a lot of my anger was rooted in unresolved issues from my childhood,” Sarah explains. “I realised I had unconsciously repeated patterns that were familiar, but ultimately unhealthy, for me and for our children.

I find that now I can approach my separation and co-parenting with much more clarity. What used to trigger me, I am now able to recognise and respond in a much healthier way.”

Divorce can be a catalyst for invoking deep-seated emotions tied to past experiences.

As we delved into these emotional layers, Sarah and I identified patterns inherited from her family dynamics and previous relationships that had influenced not only the trajectory of her marriage but how she was navigating the separation.

“I never realised how much my parents’ divorce had impacted me until I went through my own,” she says. “It was as if these overheard arguments from my childhood, long forgotten yet my body remembered them somehow and they seemed to reemerge and play out in the breakdown of my own relationship.”

Recovery from divorce is about moving toward a new version of yourself. Who you are now after loving this person, along with what you’ve learned about yourself and your own needs in your loving relationships.

By understanding the family dynamics and personal experiences that have shaped their relationships, individuals can lighten the emotional load and approach future connections with less baggage.

“This journey has been challenging, but I like who I am much more on the other side of my divorce,” Sarah reflects. “I’m not the same person I was before my divorce, and that’s a good thing. I’ve gained a deeper sense of self, and I’m looking forward to starting my next chapter in life.”

Divorce is a significant life challenge, but you don’t have to implement all those changes alone. You are at the crossroads for profound personal discovery and renewal. With the right support and guidance, you can emerge from this experience with a deeper sense of self, a renewed outlook on life, and the tools to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

As Sarah’s story illustrates, the journey of divorce recovery is not an easy one, yet can be a reflective time to embrace who you are now – on the other side of your marriage – with a deeper understanding of yourself and a renewed sense of what is most important to you in life moving forward from here.

Divorce can be the catalyst that sparks your own personal rebirth. Though the road ahead may seem daunting, trust the process, lean on your support system, and be patient with yourself – for the future that lies ahead is yours to create.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

You might be interested in

Healing the Hidden Roots of Divorce with 8 Transformative Steps
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Healing the Hidden Roots of Divorce with 8 Transformative Steps

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Divorce can feel like it shatters your world, leaving you adrift in a sea of emotional turmoil.

What if the storm you’re weathering isn’t entirely your own?

What if the undercurrents pulling you under have their origins in the lives of those who came before you?

The science of epigenetics reveals a startling truth … we carry more than just our parents’ physical traits. We inherit their emotional patterns, their fears, their struggles, and their unresolved pain.

These invisible legacies shape our relationships, the way we navigate the stormy seas of separation, and the path forwards to divorce recovery.

Inheriting More Than Brown Eyes, How Family History Colors Your Divorce

Your grandmother, widowed young, faced years of financial strain. Though you never knew her story, you find yourself obsessively stockpiling groceries, gripped by thoughts of ‘what if I don’t have enough’.

This is the echo of your grandma’s life experience, reverberating through time, amplified by your own divorce-induced instability.

You are not destined to drown in this inherited pain or financial struggle. By shining a light on the experiences that live in your family tree, you can break free from family patterns to let go of old baggage and move forward lighter.

Unearthing Your Roots

Your journey begins with exploration.

  • Map out your family tree but seeking out the family stories by asking about any difficulties and life circumstances that might be hidden in old photographs and hushed conversations.

  • Discover what experiences did your grandparents face?

  • How did your parents navigate their own relationship challenges?

  • Do any of them seem familiar to your own struggles or patterns or any uncanny coincidences?

  • Be sure to include the resilience & what family members had to overcome.

As you uncover these buried narratives, let them flow onto the pages of a journal. Don’t simply write about the facts, but most importantly, express how they resonate within you.

Do you see echoes of their struggles, similar situations or circumstances, in your own divorce experience?

Illuminating Your Path

The road ahead may seem overwhelming, but remember, countless others have walked this similar path before you.

There’s wisdom to be gained from those who have studied the generational patterns that we all have within our family. Perhaps by seeking out this knowledge and support, you can begin to untangle the complex web of inherited experiences from your own unique journey.

As you learn to recognise the echoes of your family’s past in your present struggles, you’ll gain the tools to separate your own story from theirs. By embracing this process, you open the door to profound transformation and a future shaped by your own choices, not just your inherited past.

Your divorce, painful as it may presently feel is, presents a powerful opportunity for transformation. It’s a chance to break free from cycles that may have silently shaped your family for generations.

8 Steps To Nurture A Broken Heart

  1. Set aside time each day for reflection or journalling to release what has been held inside, sometimes for years. Free yourself by intentionally letting go of resentments, hurts and old stories.

  2. Consider the connection between your family history and your own experiences. Something powerful can shift within when understanding that some of your deeply rooted patterns may have influenced some of your choices.

  3. Here are some suggested questions for you to explore:

    • Who am I now, after loving this person, sharing our lives together, who am I on the other side of this relationship?
    • What have I learned about myself?
    • How do I relate to love?
    • What have I learned about the parts of myself that I avoid in relationship?
    • What positive parts am I bringing along with me?

  1. Let’s turn your attention towards your body. Take notice:

    • What feelings are you carrying today?
    • Are some weighing you down unnecessarily?
    • Take a moment to take a few deep breaths, give yourself time each day for calming breathing exercises, to gradually lighten your emotional pain.

  1. Step into your financial fresh start. Create an outline that aligns with your newly defined values. This isn’t just about practical needs—it’s about fostering a sense of security and choices that feels supportive to your new life.

  2. Connection is key for healing. You might reach out to dear friends or those you haven’t connected with in awhile. Take a walk or enjoy time in a cafe together.

  3. Practice Self-Compassion. Treat yourself with the kindness you would offer to a friend. This helps break cycles of self-criticism that may be rooted in your family history.

  4. Get clear on what you’d like your next chapter to look like by visualising your future. Spend time imagining the life you want to create as this positive focus can be a powerful motivator during tough times.

By embracing these steps, you’re not merely surviving divorce—you’re sowing the seeds for profound transformation.

You’re cultivating self-awareness, nurturing emotional resilience, and consciously shaping the new chapter of your life.

This journey of growth isn’t just about you; it’s a ripple effect of healing that extends to your children, offering them a powerful example of resilience and the tools required for their own emotional well-being – for generations to come.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

You might be interested in

The Hidden Gift of Heartbreak
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The Hidden Gift of Heartbreak

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Did You Sleep With Her? the words tumbled out of my mouth. I could feel my heartbeat in my throat as I waited for his response. It felt as if everything was in slow motion, how he looked at his hands, the way he looked at the steering wheel, then over at me and I couldn’t help myself from asking again, at this point, I already knew the answer – it was written all over him.

Yet somehow it helped to hear it….the sheepish yes. The weight of that one simple word certainly overshadowed the “I do” we exchanged years ago. The admission that offered the proof of just how far apart we’d come, just how much distance had grown between us.

The affair was like a symptom of all that lived between us – the resentments, the broken promises, how we had disengaged from each other and all the hidden anger. The affair was the breaking point that we could not go on like we had been.

I have friends who have made it to the other side of an affair, with a stronger, more solid connection with their partner. That was not my experience.

The effects of the affair were like being dropped from the tallest building and breaking into a million pieces. Looking at all those little pieces and realizing I didn’t want to put myself back together in the same version of who I was.

All I could do was view reality in the emotional condition I was living in. It felt like everything inside of me was collapsing and my world was also shutting down around me.

I stepped away from work for a while to allow some space and time to unearth all that had been shoved under the proverbial rug.

I didn’t want to end up like a close friend whose ex-husband cheated and now her new partner comes home late and she’s overwhelmed with images of betrayal that she admits she can’t help but be her 1st expectation. If we don’t take the time to process the dynamics of our previous relationship, we tend to live by the same emotional reaction. As if a part of us is primed to live by those memorised emotions.

The deep pain I experienced had me seeking approaches that would help me explore what had contributed to the end of my marriage. By doing that, I discovered just how much our family influences how we bond in relationships and how we navigate separations. I was able to understand that so much of what happened in my marriage wasn’t all personal. There were greater influences behind both of us that shaped our relationship.

Over 80% of repetitive conflicts between a couple come from the family we grow up in.

Each of us brings along the behaviors and feelings of our early experiences. Unless we do our inner work, the cycle unconsciously continues.

For each of us, our early life experiences shape how we bond and navigate separations.

The hurt was so immense that I was committed to not bring unresolved feelings into my next relationship. In all that I was learning, it was clear that a healthy and complete separation was an essential step.

If you’re facing similar heartbreak, know that you are not alone.
“Sometimes the things that break us open are the very things that make us whole again.” – Paige Mitchell
Trust that your path to healing is there, even if you take baby steps to walk it as you step towards greater self-love and understanding.
Take the time to process your pain, explore your family history, and seek support.
Get curious about who you will become on the other side of this hurt. This heartbreak, though devastating, can be a catalyst for incredible personal growth.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

You might be interested in

The Co-Parenting Method that is Reconnecting Parents with Withdrawn Children
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The Co-Parenting Method that is Reconnecting Parents with Withdrawn Kids

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

After your divorce, you can be feeling unsettled one day and a bit more yourself the next.  Your family landscape looks completely different. You are still finding your ground again, emotionally, financially and mentally. On top of it all, you’re not sure how to bridge the growing gap this separation has placed between you and your children.

The truth is children are not yet able to hold on to two attachments they experience as incompatible. This can look like the child accepts one parent and disconnects from the other. A lot of this has to do with the child’s attachment brain no longer experiencing the parents as physically united.

During your separation, the attachment brain of your child may be connected to the other parent. Of course, this is painful and it’s essential to understand the inner conflict of the child and try to not feel personally hurt (or triumphantly confirmed, if you ended up as the “good” parent).

Whenever you can share good stories that are about good common experiences this supports your child. Giving your children the message:

“Our family is different now and this is sad for you. And there were many beautiful things in our history as a family, and your Dad/your Mom loves you and is lovable.”

Remember the importance of the message:

“Dad and Mom will always agree about how much we love you.”

Ask your friends and relatives to keep this message strong instead of rumbling about your ex. Be aware that little ears easily overhear and then make their own conclusions about what they’ve heard you say.

You are more mature, hold on to your kids despite their temporary rejection. 

You may feel your child has taken your ex-partner’s side, and this will require you all your love to handle this situation. It can be helpful to remind yourself that your child’s hostile behaviour is not a conscious decision, but an emergency measure of the young brain to handle an emotional overload that feels too much to bear.

Acknowledge how challenging it might be for your child to be in two different homes as they settle into this new dynamic. Bedtime can be a great time to bring in a sense of understanding.

“Oh, you are missing Mom/Dad right now, aren’t you? Tell me, which book is he/she reading to you right now? Oh, this is a wonderful story!”

When your child starts telling happily about the great time they are having with the other parent, listen and encourage the love they are expressing.

Let them FEEL what’s real for them.

Your children will find their own balance and settle into the new normal if they feel they can cry in your arms instead of bravely swallowing their tears down and pretending to be happy to avoid sad or angry reactions from Mom or Dad.

In the day-to-day, children do not directly express their sadness about the separation, but about small frustrations of everyday life. Use every opportunity to comfort and encourage the signs of grief in the child, even if the reason seems unrelated to you.

There are circumstances when your child does not want to see you or hangs up when you phone or does not answer your text messages and emails. Many parents feel rejected and stop reaching out and trying to restore their connection.

Yet the response that will repair this relationship over time is to hold the bigger picture and understand what this is really about – your child feeling overwhelmed and caught in the tension of the separation.

Keep reaching out without expectation, stay friendly, send thoughtful gestures, and signal dependability. Your child is much more in need of your responsible caretaking than might be obvious right now.

It’s really important not to share your emotions with your child, don’t make them responsible for your feelings. Saying things like “I will be very sad if you do not want to come.” will have them move away from the feelings of guilt or responsibility statements like that impose.

Focus your time together on what your child really enjoys doing. Healthy attachment is best supported by sharing time together. If possible, spend time with each of your children alone to deepen the connection individually.

But my ex isn’t doing any of this …

This might be what points to some of the reasons you broke up. Yet, despite the fact of how “impossible” your ex is behaving: they are your child’s other parent, and your child loves their parent. Our children do best when they feel free to love both of their parents.

You can hang a photograph of the other parent in your child’s room, and talk as friendly as possible about the other parent. If you can do this for your child, there is at least one parent who is supporting love to flow.

Divorce is hard. Co-parenting when you are trying to work together from a place of pain can be exhausting. AND you want what is best for your children.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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