Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Designed to Fail: How the Family Court Silences Grieving Parents

Published on April 3, 2026March 23, 2026

Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

A Legacy of Quiet Rage

When I was growing up, my mother spent years going in and out of family court with my antagonistic father. There were statements, court orders, applications, and a trial, but never once did anyone ask how it felt when my mother didn’t speak to her daughter for more than a decade. No one questioned the financial cost or the mental and emotional toll it took on her. No judge questioned what that estrangement meant to our family. No professional named it for what it was: a profound loss.

We didn’t have the language then; I certainly didn’t. But I remember the look in my grandmother’s eyes when she talked about my father, a quiet rage mixed with helplessness and grief. She couldn’t name it either, but she knew something sacred had been broken. The system didn’t care. It was focused on compliance and paperwork, not emotional devastation.

New Seat, Same Broken System

Now, years later, I find myself facing the same system, but from a different seat. I have been without child maintenance for years. When I finally went before a judge, he looked at me and stated, “Why am I here? Why are we here?”

I was stunned. Isn’t it obvious? He is not supporting his children. Isn’t that what the system is meant to enforce? Aren’t we supposed to be putting children first?

Apparently not. After seven years of him failing to pay any support, he finally settled to give me the bare minimum for only three years. Case closed. He got away with it.

I was chasing support through a system that feels less like a safeguard and more like an obstacle. It is a system that fails to recognise the reality that grief is real, not an irrelevance.

This isn’t just about divorce. It’s about the grief no one acknowledges in family court—the emotional toll of being dismissed, delayed, and denied. I know now what my grandmother must have felt: the rage that comes from watching something unjust happen in slow motion, and being told to stay quiet about it. There’s a staggering amount of grief in these situations, but no space for it. No permission to feel it. No acknowledgment from the legal system that it even exists.

Family Court Isn’t Built for Emotional Reality

The system is designed to process cases, not emotions. Family court focuses on:

Evidence, not lived experience
Timelines, not trauma
Strategy, not sorrow

Judges and lawyers are trained to stay detached and to keep the list moving. And while that may serve efficiency, it fails people who are in the middle of deep emotional upheaval. Grief is often treated as irrelevant, or worse, as a sign of instability. The divorce system centres power, not pain.

Once a separation begins, everything shifts toward legal positioning. The conversation becomes about custody arrangements, court filings, and parenting schedules. There’s no room to talk about the mother whose child won’t call her “Mum” anymore. Or the woman who panics every time her phone lights up with a text from her ex. Or the financial struggle that is incredibly real for so many. These aren’t “legal matters”; they’re heartbreaks. But no one in the courtroom is asking about those.

Grief After Abuse is Complicated and Long-Lasting

When divorce involves emotional abuse, coercive control, or post-separation abuse, the grief doesn’t just resolve after the papers are signed. It lingers. It morphs. And it’s often misunderstood, even by professionals. Some therapists, unless they specialise in this area, may minimise or mislabel it. Others try to fix it with surface-level advice, not understanding the depth of the injury. Women are told:

“You should be over it by now.”
“At least you’re divorced.”
“Don’t be high-conflict” (an assumption that both parties are responsible for the friction).

As a result, many women bury their grief. They keep going. They survive. But they do not heal, not really. Their grief becomes frozen, tucked away because there’s simply no space to process it when you’re constantly in defence mode.

Mothers are Punished for Being Emotional

This is perhaps the most damaging message of all: that to show pain is to look unstable. That expressing grief makes you “bitter” or “vindictive.” So women learn to stay silent. To avoid being labelled. To suppress what is real and raw, because they fear it will be used against them.

But the truth is, these women aren’t unstable. They’re grieving. They’re grieving the loss of time with their children, the collapse of a dream, the betrayal of someone they once trusted, and the failure of a system they hoped would protect them. They are grieving the way they have to prove they’re a good mother over and over again. They’re grieving the legal bills that drain their future, the fear every time an unfamiliar number appears on their phone, and the gut-punch of hearing their child repeat an ex’s words as their own. They are grieving the failed justice system, my mother and me included.

What’s Missing? Grief Literacy

We talk a lot in divorce circles about trauma, self-care, co-parenting, and legal strategy. But we don’t talk enough about grief. About how layered and valid it is. About how long it lasts. About how it often goes unnamed for years because survival comes first.

We need to make room for grief in the divorce conversation. Not as a sign of dysfunction, but as a natural and necessary part of this process. When someone finally says, “This is grief,” it can be a turning point. When someone tells you, “You’re not broken, you’re grieving,” it allows healing to begin.

If this resonates with you, know that your pain is real. Your heartbreak matters. And you don’t have to carry it alone, or in silence anymore. Until we make space for grief in family court, we’re not just failing parents, we’re failing children, too.

The Cost of Silence

The failure of the family court system isn’t just emotional, it’s economic. When a judge dismisses a request for support, they aren’t just ignoring a legal obligation; they are ignoring the survival of a family.

When the system refuses to see our grief, it inevitably refuses to see our financial reality, too. If you are struggling with the weight of “financial survival mode” or the shame of a changing lifestyle, you might find peace in my deep dive into the secondary losses of divorce.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Why Confidence Often Drops After Divorce, Even When You Wanted It

Published on November 26, 2025November 25, 2025

I remember lying in bed a year and a half before my divorce, thinking, I can’t even get a part-time job at the local variety store. I was once well-educated, with a degree and a postgraduate diploma, yet I felt completely worthless. My confidence had been eroded for years, and I didn’t even realise it.

Many factors influence confidence after divorce, but what’s interesting is how rarely we talk about this side of it. The divorce world often highlights freedom, fresh starts, and empowerment. And while those things can be true, there’s another side that doesn’t get enough space: the quiet collapse of confidence that so many people experience, even when they were the ones who initiated the divorce.

Research confirms this is common. Studies show that self-esteem and self-efficacy often drop significantly after divorce, even among those who chose to leave. Part of this is grief, but another part comes down to familiarity: losing the rhythm, routines, and identity you’ve known for years. Even if those patterns weren’t healthy, they were familiar, and our brains cling to what feels safe.

You might have chosen this path, knowing it was necessary. But still, somewhere between signing papers, dividing assets, and sleeping alone for the first time in years, your sense of self begins to feel unsteady. You may question things you never used to. You second-guess decisions. You may even feel smaller, less sure, or invisible.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken, you’re human. Here’s why it happens.

The Loss of a Mirror

Even in difficult marriages, we become used to being seen through another person’s eyes. Over time, our identity and confidence become intertwined with that reflection: partner, spouse, teammate, or co-parent. Something is comforting about that, even if it can be severely dysfunctional.

When that reflection disappears, it can feel like standing in front of a mirror that suddenly went blank. You still exist, but you no longer see yourself the same way.

Divorce removes that constant feedback loop of affirmation and belonging. You’re no longer “we”, you’re just you. And while that can ultimately be freeing, it’s disorienting at first. You can feel so lost in those moments.

This loss doesn’t just show up in big emotional waves; it sneaks into ordinary moments too. I remember the first time I went grocery shopping after the separation, it was so ingrained in my brain (attachment systems) that I automatically put things in the cart that he liked. I had to stop myself halfway through the store and say, “Karen, you do not have to do this anymore.”

Emotional Fatigue and Decision Overload

Another reason confidence dips is the sheer exhaustion that divorce brings. Every system, emotional, cognitive, and physical, is taxed. The paperwork, co-parenting logistics, housing decisions, financial pressures, and constant emotional negotiations drain your energy quickly.

Confidence is a high-energy emotion. It needs clarity, stability, and rest to flourish. When your body is in survival mode, confidence naturally declines.

I remember sitting in my lawyer’s office, completely depleted. My nervous system was frayed, and yet I was expected to make major decisions, such as what to pursue legally, what to let go of, how to respond to my ex’s false accusations, and his refusal to pay child support. I wasn’t just tired; I was dysregulated, running on adrenaline and fear. It’s no wonder confidence felt out of reach; my system was simply overwhelmed.

Mini-Tip: After stressful meetings or negotiations, move your body. Go for a walk, stretch, or literally shake out your arms and legs. These simple movements help discharge stress hormones and signal to your nervous system that the threat has passed. Confidence can’t return when your body still believes it’s under attack; it comes back when you help your body feel safe again. You’re not less capable, you’re simply exhausted.

The Threat to Safety: Financial Competence and Security

For many, especially women who may have managed the home or taken a career step back, divorce delivers a shocking blow to financial confidence. The problem isn’t just about budgeting; it’s about the primal human need for safety, particularly when children are involved.

Suddenly, you are the sole person responsible for the financial security of your family, often on a diminished income. The fear of financial precarity, the inability to pay for housing, healthcare, or a child’s needs, can quickly mask itself as a deep, incapacitating feeling of incompetence.

You might have been a highly skilled professional, but facing mortgages, insurance policies, and tax documents you never handled before can make you feel utterly lost. This crisis of competence is really an attack on your perceived ability to protect yourself and your dependents, leading to significant drops in self-trust and confidence.

Mini-Tip: To counter this, focus on building micro-competencies. Schedule one hour this week to review your full post-divorce budget, or meet with a financial advisor. Each small act of engaging with your finances, however scary, is a powerful act of reclaiming control and building measurable confidence.

Wearing the Mask of Doubt

It’s easy to mistake grief for regret. Those quiet questions, “Did I do the right thing?” “Should I have tried longer?” Their often surface is not because we want to return, but because part of us is struggling to integrate what’s been lost. I wrote about it in my recent blog on regret and grief. I talk about how what we label as “regret” is so often just grief wearing a different mask.

In thanatology, we understand that when a major attachment ends, we don’t just lose the person, we lose the structure of our lives that surrounds them: routines, identity, belonging, and the sense of continuity that tells us who we are. The grief that follows is not always for the relationship itself, but for the psychological home it once provided, even if that home was unstable.

I remember about five months after I left, my children and I were up north visiting my sisters and their families. A wedding song began to play, and out of nowhere, tears filled my eyes. I stepped out onto the deck, unable to explain why I was crying. I had left an abusive marriage, and I didn’t want that life anymore. But in that moment, what I felt wasn’t longing for him; it was grief for the part of me that had believed in that story, the one who had hoped the marriage might one day be safe, loving, and whole.

That’s the quiet complexity of post-divorce grief: it isn’t just the loss of a partner, but the death of a version of self who lived inside that relationship. Confidence doesn’t disappear; it becomes entangled with mourning. To rebuild it, we have to honour what’s died, not to stay in the past, but to integrate what those losses meant.

The Quiet Shame of “Failure”

Culturally, marriage is still seen as a sign of stability and success. Even when we know our divorce was necessary, there’s often a quiet, internalised voice whispering, I failed.

When I ran a divorce support group, this came up often. Almost everyone in the room felt like a failure. It’s hard to imagine why, especially when most of us have tried everything to make it work. And for those who left abusive relationships, the truth is, it was never going to work in the way we hoped.

That sense of shame erodes confidence because it attacks our worth at the core. But ending a marriage that no longer served you isn’t failure — it’s an act of profound courage. You didn’t fail at marriage; you succeeded at choosing yourself.

I often remind my clients, and myself, that it took tremendous strength to leave something that was breaking us down. That truth doesn’t get written or spoken about nearly enough.

Mini-Tip: When that “failure” voice shows up, pause and write down three things you did today that reflect your courage or growth. Shifting your focus from what ended to what continues builds confidence from the inside out.

The Erosion of Self-Trust

Confidence and self-trust are inseparable. After a divorce, it’s common to question both.

I remember chatting with two colleagues, and we all admitted the same thing: we didn’t fully trust ourselves anymore. We worried that if we chose the wrong person once, maybe we’d keep making the same kind of mistake. That fear isn’t rare; it’s the nervous system’s way of trying to protect us from future pain.

After a divorce, many people replay the relationship in their minds, asking: Why didn’t I leave sooner? How did I miss the signs? Can I even trust myself to choose differently next time?

These questions don’t come from weakness; they come from a longing to feel safe again.

For years, I had been told, and eventually believed, that I wasn’t the smart one. He was always positioned as the intelligent, capable one. When I finally went back to university, something he didn’t support, I began to reclaim a part of myself I had lost. I realised that I wasn’t stupid or incapable; I had just been made to doubt my own judgment for too long.

Rebuilding self-trust means learning to listen to your intuition without judgment. Each time you make a decision based on your own truth, no matter how small, that trust begins to return.

Comparison and Disconnection

Once the immediate chaos settles, another challenge appears: the pull of comparison and isolation. You start noticing how different your life looks. Social media is filled with family photos and anniversaries, and suddenly your confidence wavers.

You also lose the stability of a couple identity, which often means being dropped from mutual friend groups or feeling awkward at couple-centric social events. This loss of your established social status and subsequent isolation can severely undermine your sense of social competence and belonging.

You might feel behind or different, as if your life broke while everyone else’s stayed intact. But comparison steals the truth: you are rebuilding, not regressing.

Mini-Tip: Limit social media for a week and notice how your sense of self shifts. Measure your life by your feelings, not someone else’s highlight reel.

Relearning How to See Yourself

Divorce doesn’t just end a relationship; it ends a familiar version of yourself. It can leave you standing in unfamiliar territory, unsure of how to move forward.

Relearning who you are takes time. For me, it felt like peeling back layers of an onion. I had to start with the micro steps, small, almost invisible choices, before I could even think about the bigger ones. Each tiny act of courage built a little more confidence.

It’s still a journey. I’m still unlearning the way I saw myself for decades, but awareness and understanding have become steady companions along the way.

Confidence after divorce doesn’t come from returning to who you were before. It comes from discovering who you are now, beneath the roles, expectations, and history.

This is the real work of self-love: not vanity, but truth-telling. It’s the quiet, patient act of seeing yourself with kindness again.

Losing confidence after a divorce doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It means you’re human, navigating the in-between, the space between who you were and who you are becoming.

If you’re in that space right now, remember:

Your confidence isn’t gone. It’s just resting beneath the grief, waiting for the moment you start trusting yourself again.

Mini-Tip: Reflection Invitation: Today, notice one small choice you made just for yourself. Celebrate it. That is your confidence returning.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Children of Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

“They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth

Published on October 3, 2025August 22, 2025

I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried.

As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realise how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I looked like I was fine. Inside, I was just surviving.

In my twenties, my mom gently pointed out that I seemed to overreact to little things. She was right. I felt edgy, overwhelmed, and ashamed of how easily I snapped. I had no idea what was going on with me. Was it my parents’ divorce and conflict? My father’s and stepmother’s toxic behavior toward my mom and me, and their need for control? Had this unstable and neglectful environment affected me so much? Yes, apparently it had.

But here’s the thing: children don’t always show the effects of divorce right away. On the outside, I looked like I was managing. I went to school, had friends, did what I was “supposed” to do. I even made it to university, earned my first degree, and completed a post-grad programme.

That’s what adults often see as resilience in kids during divorce: a child carrying on, coping, adapting. What’s harder to see is the cost of that coping.

My story isn’t unique. Many children of divorce appear to be “fine” while silently carrying pain that surfaces years later. And that’s why I want to pause on the phrase we all hear, and sometimes even say ourselves: “Kids are resilient.”

Therapy and Understanding

Four and a half years of therapy later, I began to understand myself better. I wasn’t just “reactive.” I was having trauma responses. My nervous system had learned to survive chaos, and all the emotions I had stuffed away were finally demanding to be felt.

That’s what unresolved childhood pain and anxiety look like. It doesn’t always surface immediately; it comes out later in our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships.

And yet, through it all, I kept hearing the same refrain: “They’ll be fine. Kids bounce back”.

The truth? Resilience doesn’t mean untouched. It doesn’t mean unaffected. It means that for some children, they survive, but survival can carry invisible scars that take years to heal.

Why We Say It

If you’re a parent going through a separation or divorce, especially a high-conflict one, you’ve probably said it too: “ the kids will be okay,” or you really hope they will be.

It slips out almost automatically, a way to calm the fear of not knowing how deeply this might be affecting your child. We don’t always say it because it’s true. We say it because we need it to be.

And those messages don’t just come from inside us. They echo all around us, through friends, family, teachers, even strangers:

“They’ll adjust.”
“Kids are tough.”
“My cousin’s kids turned out fine.”

Society, too, is uneasy with grief, conflict, and uncertainty. It feels safer to lean on comforting shortcuts than to sit with the reality that children might be struggling. That’s why “Kids are resilient” becomes our shield.

A Psychological Shortcut

When I was studying for my thanatology degree, I learned about Terror Management Theory (TMT), sometimes explained more simply as the Anxiety Buffer Theory. The core idea is this: when painful truths feel unbearable, our minds cling to beliefs that make the world feel less threatening.

Take divorce, for example. Parents often reassure themselves with, “They’ll adjust.” And while it’s true that children can adapt, this belief often functions as a protective shield for the parent. It eases guilt, fear, and shame about the impact divorce may have on their kids. The danger is that it can keep us from seeing what children really need: emotional safety, reassurance, and consistent support.

We do this in other areas of life, too. Imagine hearing that a neighbour has been diagnosed with lung cancer. A common first response is, “Were they a smoker?” If the answer is yes, it reduces our anxiety; we can tell ourselves the illness was linked to a choice, which makes us feel safer. But if the answer is no, the truth feels scarier, because it reminds us that illness can strike anyone, even without warning.

What If They’re Not Fine?

Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, does affect children. It touches:

Their nervous system
Their sense of safety
Their ability to trust
Their beliefs about love and conflict

Not every child shows it right away. Some hold it together because they think that’s their role. But holding it in doesn’t mean they’re okay.

Resilience isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s built through emotional safety, consistency, validation, and supportive relationships.

What Children Need

If you’re navigating divorce, here’s how to support real resilience:

Emotional Safety: Let them feel all their emotions, anger, sadness, relief, without trying to fix them.
Consistency: Keep routines where you can. Predictability is grounding.
Honest Reassurance: Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them they’re loved. Explain what will stay the same.
Permission to Love Both Parents (if safe): Kids should never feel like they have to choose sides.
Therapeutic Support: Even short-term counseling can give children tools and language to process what’s happening.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up, reflect, and let them know it’s safe to be real with you.

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

Parents usually don’t say it to dismiss their kids. They say it to survive their pain. The alternative, that our choices or circumstances might hurt our children, is heavy. But pain doesn’t vanish when we deny it. It resurfaces later, often in ways we don’t expect.

My mom probably didn’t know. It was the 1970s, and back then, people assumed divorce was just between the adults and that kids would simply bounce back. She did her best with what she had, and I hold a lot of compassion for what she went through without much support.

But today, we know better. The effects are real. It’s time to let go of the shortcut phrases, “kids are resilient,” “they’ll bounce back,” as ways to comfort ourselves. Research is clear: resilience isn’t automatic. Children don’t just bounce back from divorce, especially in high-conflict situations. Resilience has to be nurtured through emotional safety, consistency, and support.

The hopeful part? Research also shows that most children can and do turn out well when they have even one supportive parent who shows up consistently and provides a secure base. One safe, steady relationship can be enough to anchor them and foster resilience.

Children deserve more than survival; they deserve healing. Resilience isn’t something they magically possess. It’s something we help them build. And the first step is awareness: not assuming they’ll be fine, but committing to helping them become so.

References

Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 29, 61–139.
https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60016-9
Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227

Disclaimer: This blog reflects my personal experiences and research. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you or your children are struggling during or after divorce, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for support.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Divorce and Finances/Your Emotions

Money Grief After Divorce – The Loss No One Talks About

Published on July 2, 2025July 2, 2025

When we think about grief after divorce, most people imagine the loss of love, trust, or family structure. But there’s another kind of grief that runs deep—and is rarely named: money grief.

One of my clients once said,

“I’m not grieving the loss of my ex, my identity, or our failed dreams. I’m grieving not seeing my children every day—and losing my beautiful house.”

In the divorce world, we often talk about grieving relationships, family routines, or personal identity. But there’s a quieter grief many people carry: I miss my house. I miss the lifestyle I once had.

Divorce often means a dramatic financial shift. Economically, things get harder, income is typically cut in half. But beyond the numbers lies a deeper emotional reckoning: the loss of financial stability, the unraveling of future plans, and the vanishing of a lifestyle that once defined you.

This grief doesn’t always cry out. It doesn’t get lasagne or sympathy cards. It happens quietly,in private moments, in budget spreadsheets, in smaller food shops, or in walking past a house you used to call home. And yet, few people talk about it.

The Hidden Financial Costs of Divorce

When people think about the financial side of divorce, they often focus on child maintenance, spousal support, or dividing assets. But there’s a deeper financial cost that often goes unmentioned: the actual price of the divorce process itself.

From the legal fees to mediation costs, divorce can quickly become expensive. Many people don’t realise just how costly it can be to separate a shared life,with solicitors, mediators, court fees, and the emotional toll all taking a significant chunk of resources.

The financial strain can feel overwhelming, especially when people are trying to rebuild their lives on a smaller budget. Yet these hidden costs are rarely addressed during the divorce process, leaving many feeling financially depleted long after the legal proceedings have ended.

This often leads to more hidden grief, as people mourn not just the life they built with their spouse, but the financial security that’s now out of reach.

Money Grief Is Real – But Disenfranchised

I talk about disenfranchised grief a lot in the divorce world. The term, coined by thanatologist Dr Kenneth Doka, describes grief that isn’t acknowledged by society, grief that isn’t openly validated or supported. He defines it as:

“Grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned.”

No one throws a “sorry you lost your pension” support circle. Like I stated above, you don’t get shepherd’s pie when you have to sell your home or move into a smaller flat. And if you do talk about money grief, you might be met with raised eyebrows or comments like, “Well you wanted out” or “Why didn’t you fight harder to keep it?”

But money grief after divorce is real, and painful. You may lose your financial stability, your dream home, the future you planned for, or the lifestyle that once shaped your identity. These are profound losses. But because they don’t fit the traditional mould of grief, they’re often minimised or dismissed.

That’s what makes this kind of grief disenfranchised: it’s invisible to others, even though it weighs heavily on you.

The Shame and Stigma of Financial Loss

This kind of grief is often hidden beneath a layer of shame.

I remember my aunt once warning someone whose marriage was on the rocks, “Well, look at Karen’s life, you don’t want that.” The implication was clear: losing financial status after divorce isn’t just painful, it’s something to be feared, even judged.

There’s a deep embarrassment many people feel when going through divorce, especially when it comes to money. In our culture, success is often measured by financial stability. Wealth is equated with worth. So when divorce disrupts that, the grief of financial loss can be wrapped in layers of shame.

You’re not just grieving the money, you’re questioning your identity, your value, and your place in the world.

Divorce already comes with financial hardship. Layer on shame and stigma, and many begin to feel like they’ve failed. That fear of judgement keeps people silent. Some don’t even recognise what they’re feeling as grief—they just know they feel hollow, anxious, and unsure of who they are now that the money picture has changed.

We Underestimate the Emotional Cost of Divorce

Yes, many people going through divorce expect lifestyle changes. But few understand just how emotionally destabilising those changes can be.

It’s not just about moving, it’s mourning the neighbourhood where your kids grew up, the memories held in the walls of your home, the dream of retiring early, or putting your child through university.

It’s realising that your identity may have been tied to being the provider, the planner, or the one who held it all together, and now you’re starting over. You may no longer be able to afford the things you once took for granted or pursue the future you had carefully built toward.

That kind of loss isn’t just about pounds and pence, it cuts deep into your sense of self, your stability, and your hopes.

The Invisible Cost of Gender Roles and Dependency

For many women, especially those who stepped out of the workforce to raise children or support a partner’s career, divorce can feel like falling into financial uncertainty.

Even if they receive spousal or child maintenance, the loss of long-term career potential and professional identity can bring intense feelings of grief, regret, and a sense of wasted time.

Studies show that women often face bigger financial setbacks after divorce compared to men. For example, one study found that women’s household incomes drop by 41% in the first year after a divorce, almost double the 21% drop men experience.

This difference is partly due to traditional gender roles, where women are often the primary caregivers. This can mean interruptions in their careers, leading to a wider pay gap. Plus, women are more likely to give up a portion of their partner’s pension in a divorce settlement, which only adds to their financial challenges.

Even with support, the emotional cost of financial insecurity is huge. Many women not only grieve the loss of their partner but also the loss of their financial independence and identity.

Comparison Silences the Grief

Divorce grief is deeply personal and can be incredibly complex. The support people receive during divorce can be just as subjective. You might hear well-meaning comments from friends, family, or even other divorced peers like:

“At least you got the house.”
“At least your ex pays child maintenance.”
“You seem to be doing okay.”

When faced with remarks like these, what are you supposed to say?

While these comments may come from a place of kindness, they can unintentionally make someone feel like they don’t have the space to grieve what they’ve truly lost. But here’s the truth: You can be grateful for what you have—and still grieve what you’ve lost.

If you were the one who left, you can acknowledge that the divorce was the right decision—and still mourn the cost it took on your life.

Naming the Loss Is the First Step to Healing

Money grief isn’t about greed, it’s about mourning the loss of stability, identity, and the future you once imagined. Recognising that truth is powerful.

Grief can show up in bank statements, in cancelled holidays, in the quiet ache of walking past your old home. But just because it’s invisible doesn’t mean it’s not real.

You deserve to name this loss. You deserve space to grieve it.

And most importantly, you deserve support, compassion, and the chance to rebuild a life that honours what you’ve been through and where you want to go next.

References

Doka, K. J. (2002). Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice. Research Press.
Legal & General – The Divorce Gap: Women’s Household Income Drops Twice as Much as Men’s After Divorce

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Moving On/Well-being/Your Emotions

Breaking Free from Emotional Over-Dependence: 6 Steps to Self-Reliance After Divorce

Published on April 2, 2025April 2, 2025

I remember the uncertainty and fear that crept in after my marriage ended. How would I manage on my own with two children after nearly two decades of shared life? Though I wasn’t overly dependent on my ex for emotional support, our lives were deeply intertwined, and his presence had always been a constant. The prospect of untangling those ties felt overwhelming. For some, this is the real deep fear.

Divorce often feels like standing at the edge of a vast, unfamiliar cliff. Behind you lies the life you once knew, and ahead is a new reality where self-reliance becomes essential—often before you feel ready for it. While daunting, this moment also offers the potential for profound transformation.

Divorce is not just about dividing assets or rearranging living situations; it’s about untangling the emotional ties that may have defined you for years. For many, this process reveals a subtle but deep reliance on a partner’s approval, presence, or support. Breaking free from this emotional over-dependence isn’t just a challenge—it’s an opportunity to rediscover your inner strength and independence.

What Is Emotional Over-Dependence?

Emotional over-dependence occurs when your identity or wellbeing becomes too intertwined with another person. In a marriage or long-term relationship, it can manifest as:

Seeking constant validation from your partner.
Struggling to make decisions independently.
Feeling incomplete or unworthy without their support.

While interdependence—a healthy balance of independence and connection—is a cornerstone of strong relationships, over-dependence often leads to feelings of loss and instability when the relationship ends. Divorce, therefore, becomes an opportunity to recalibrate and reclaim your sense of self.

Why Self-Reliance Matters Post-Divorce

Self-reliance is not about isolating yourself or rejecting help; it’s about building confidence in your ability to navigate life’s challenges. Developing self-reliance can:

Help you manage the emotional upheaval of divorce.
Reduce anxiety by empowering you to take control of your choices.
Strengthen your ability to set boundaries, especially in co-parenting situations.

About four months into the separation process, I received a phone call that initially seemed to be from a government official. The call was alarming and caused a lot of anxiety. My first instinct was to call my ex for reassurance. He quickly explained that it was a scam, which was a relief. As I reflected on this moment, I realised how deeply ingrained the habit of seeking reassurance from him had become. It made me realise that part of developing self-reliance is learning to trust my judgment, especially in moments of stress or uncertainty. This was a wake-up call for me: the journey to emotional independence meant finding the confidence to navigate challenges without always relying on someone else for validation.

6 Steps to Break Free from Emotional Over-Dependence

Emotional over-dependence can hold you back from fully embracing your independence after divorce. Learning to rely on yourself and build a strong foundation is a journey, instead with each step forward, you can regain confidence and redefine your life. Here are six steps to help you break free, along with personal insights and actionable tips.

1. Recognise Patterns of Dependence

Begin by reflecting on your relationship dynamics. Were you overly reliant on your partner for decision-making, emotional support, or a sense of identity? Acknowledging these patterns is the first step toward change.

For me, wearing my wedding rings was a defining part of my identity. They symbolised being a wife and partner and taking them off felt like losing a piece of myself. Recognising this dependence helped me start redefining my identity on my terms. (Read my blog about The Significance of Taking Your Wedding Ring Off for more insights.)

2. Rebuild Your Identity

Divorce is a chance to rediscover who you are outside of the relationship. Explore your interests, hobbies, and values. Journaling, therapy, or trying new activities can help you reconnect with yourself.

When I started journaling after my divorce, it wasn’t with any grand plan in mind—just an attempt to sort through the overwhelming thoughts swirling in my head. At first, my entries were raw and unfiltered: anger, sadness, fear, and confusion spilled onto the page. But as weeks turned into months, my writing began to shift. I started to think more about what I wanted for myself. After years of giving my ex everything I had, it was time to start focussing on me. Journaling became a tool to rediscover my passions and dreams.

3. Strengthen Your “I-Position

The concept of the “I-position,” rooted in family systems theory, emphasises acting based on your values and rational thinking rather than reacting emotionally. Practice making decisions independently and standing firm in what matters to you.

When I needed to find housing for my children and pets after the divorce, the responsibility fell squarely on my shoulders. For years, most major decisions in our family had been guided by my ex, with me agreeing or going along. This time, it was all on me. I scoured listings, visited potential homes, and considered not just the practical aspects but also what would feel safe and nurturing for my children. It was daunting, but in the end, I made a choice that aligned with my values and instincts. That experience reminded me of my capability and reinforced my belief in my ability to lead and provide.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

Learning to say “no” and establishing clear boundaries with your ex-spouse, family, or friends is crucial. This is especially important in co-parenting relationships, where maintaining a focus on the children’s wellbeing can help keep interactions productive.

Flexibility is important in co-parenting, but one of my clients faced a particularly stressful situation when their co-parent requested a very last-minute change to the parenting plan, despite there being no emergency. My client had already made plans, including inviting friends to stay over, which added to the stress. This situation highlighted the importance of setting clear boundaries and communicating them respectfully, to avoid unnecessary disruption and prioritise everyone’s wellbeing.

5. Build a Support Network

Self-reliance doesn’t mean doing everything alone. Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you. Friends, family, or support groups can provide a sense of community while you strengthen your independence.

I wrote about this in another blog, “The Four Pillars of Support,” which explores emotional, practical, informational, and social support. These pillars became my lifeline as I worked to rebuild. You can read it here.

6. Focus on Emotional Regulation

Divorce often stirs up intense emotions. Developing tools to manage anxiety, anger, or sadness can prevent emotional reactivity and help you make thoughtful decisions. Practices like mindfulness, meditation, or therapy can be valuable here.

Naming my emotions—whether it was anger, grief, or frustration—helped me process them without feeling overwhelmed. Practices like deep breathing and mindfulness gave me the tools to pause before reacting. As most say, divorce is 95% emotional and 5% legal. To get through your divorce journey, you must allow these feelings to come up, name them, accept them, and release them in healthy ways.

Embracing Your Independence: A Journey of Growth

The path to self-reliance after divorce is rarely a straight line. There will be moments of doubt, fear, or loneliness, but each step forward builds a stronger foundation for your future. True self-reliance comes from trusting yourself, valuing your voice, and knowing when to lean on those who genuinely support you.

Breaking free from emotional over-dependence isn’t just about surviving—it’s about thriving. It’s a journey of rediscovering your identity, embracing your values, and creating a life that reflects your dreams. Strength doesn’t mean going it alone; it means finding the balance between standing confidently on your own and reaching out for connection when needed.

Wherever you are in this process, know that you are capable and resilient. Each challenge you face brings you closer to a more empowered, fulfilled version of yourself. Trust the journey, take it one step at a time, and believe that the best chapters of your story are still ahead.

If you’re ready to rebuild, reimagine, and rediscover your independence, the Just Separated Workbook can be your trusted companion. Packed with practical recovery tools, valuable insights, and guided exercises, it’s designed to support you at every step of your journey. Available worldwide on Amazon, it’s never been easier to take the first step toward healing.

Want to explore it before committing? Grab your free 22-page sample of the Just Separated Workbook here!

Disclaimer: This blog is for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing significant emotional distress or have questions about your specific situation, consider consulting a qualified therapist, counsellor, or legal professional.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

How to Build Your Divorce Support System: The Four Pillars You Need

Published on January 13, 2025January 8, 2025

Divorce is one of the most challenging transitions a person can face, often upending every aspect of life. As someone who has spent years studying and working in the field of thanatology—the science of death, dying, and grief—I’ve seen firsthand how vital a solid support system is during times of profound change.

Divorce is the death of a relationship that is often complex and messy, requiring tools and strategies to help navigate the emotional, logistical, and practical challenges it brings.

One of the most effective tools I’ve used with clients over the years—and one we’ve included in our Just Separated Workbook—is called the “Four Pillars of Support.” These pillars, originally rooted in the grief world, are critical for anyone going through a major life transition, including divorce. Let’s break down these pillars and explore how they can help you through the process.

1. Peers

The first pillar involves finding the right peer support—people who are also navigating or have already navigated the divorce journey. The right peers offer empowerment and helpful insights rather than constantly feeding anger or resentment. It’s important to surround yourself with peers who encourage growth and healing. Support groups, online communities, or even a trusted friend who’s been through it can make a big difference.

Having peers who understand your unique challenges can also help you avoid feelings of isolation. While some peers helped me see things clearly, and we supported each other, others only fuelled anger and negativity. Choosing the right group and peers is crucial.

2. Professionals

Divorce is not just an emotional process; it’s also a legal, financial, and logistical one. Having the right professionals on your side is crucial. These might include:

A lawyer or mediator who understands your needs.
A divorce coach to help you strategise and stay focused.
A therapist to guide you through the emotional turmoil.
A financial advisor to help you navigate money matters.

When I found myself in a high-conflict situation, I had no idea how to strategise effectively. In my desperation, I hired the first lawyer I was referred to, but they turned out to be a poor match for my needs. Looking back, I realise how naive I was to assume my ex would be cooperative which he never was in the first place.

If I’d had the guidance of the right legal, divorce coach and/or the right peer support, I would have been far better equipped to handle the realities of dealing with a high-conflict personality. I could have found the clarity and direction I needed during such an overwhelming and confusing time.

3. Friends and Family

Support from friends and family can be invaluable during a divorce, but it’s important to recognise that not all relationships will serve you well during this time. While some friends might offer unwavering support, others—sometimes even family members—can unintentionally add to your stress or enable unhealthy dynamics.

Interestingly, the phrase “Blood is thicker than water” is often misinterpreted. The original quote suggests that the bonds we forge in life, such as friendships, can be stronger than family ties. This is especially true during emotionally challenging periods like divorce, where the people who truly listen and provide genuine support make all the difference.

Divorce often brings an overwhelming workload, especially for those juggling co-parenting responsibilities. That’s why building a strong support network is essential.

Our W.L.D. Exercise helps readers identify and lean on three types of people:

Workers: The doers in your life who step in to help with practical tasks.
Example: A neighbour who picks up your kids from school or a friend who helps you sort paperwork.
Listeners: Empathetic friends or family members who provide a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings.
Example: A sibling who lets you vent without judgment or a friend who checks in regularly to see how you’re holding up.
Distractors: People who help lighten your emotional load by encouraging you to have fun or take a break.
Example: A friend who invites you to see a comedy show or explore a new restaurant.

By intentionally cultivating a network of supportive, uplifting individuals, you can create the foundation you need to navigate this challenging time with more strength and clarity.

4. Yourself

The final pillar is perhaps the most important: you. Divorce is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself, even amidst the pain. It’s essential to work through your emotions, set boundaries, and prioritise self-care. Journaling, meditation, exercise, and therapy are just a few ways to support yourself during this time.

Remember, you are the constant in your own life. Building resilience and focusing on personal growth will not only help you navigate the divorce but also set the stage for a stronger, healthier future.

Why the Four Pillars Are Critical for High-Conflict Divorces

I wish I had used and known about the Four Pillars of Support during my high-conflict divorce years ago. These cases often involve intense emotions, adversarial tactics, projection, and manipulation, which can leave you feeling isolated, exhausted, and emotionally drained.

Even in high-conflict situations, it’s easy to overlook the emotional weight of the process. Stress, anxiety, and frustration can feel overwhelming. The Four Pillars—Peers, Professionals, Friends and Family, and Yourself—are essential for maintaining focus and protecting your well-being.

From peers who provide solidarity and insight to professionals who anticipate and counter challenges, to supportive loved ones and prioritise self-care, these pillars equip you with the strength and strategy to navigate the heightened complexities of a high-conflict divorce. Understanding and leaning into this framework can make all the difference in regaining clarity and empowerment.

Putting It All Together

The Four Pillars of Support—Peers, Professionals, Friends and Family, and Yourself—are a framework to help you stay grounded during divorce. These pillars provide a balance of external and internal support, ensuring you’re not navigating this journey alone.

Building and leaning on your support system isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a strategy for success. Divorce is tough, but with the right tools and people by your side, you can come through it stronger than ever.

If you’re looking for practical exercises and strategies to build your support system, check out the Just Separated Workbook. It’s designed to guide you through every step of the divorce process, helping you find clarity, empowerment, and hope for the future. The workbook is on sale for the whole month of Divorce month, available in the UK and worldwide on Amazon – buy here.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Children of Divorce/Coping with Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Understanding Grief in Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Published on October 24, 2024October 24, 2024

Introducing the latest transcript blog featuring an insightful interview with Karen Omand, a grief expert who specialises in helping individuals navigate the emotional complexities of divorce. In this heartfelt conversation, Karen shares her profound understanding of grief and how it can manifest before, during, and after a marriage ends.

Join us as we explore Karen’s expert perspective on the stages of grief, its unique challenges in the context of divorce, and how to move forward with compassion and resilience.

Read on for the full transcript of our interview, “Understanding Grief in Divorce.”

[Music]

Hello everybody, thank you so much for joining us once again on The Divorce Magazine which is very much a magazine, an online magazine for people going through divorce. If you haven’t seen us yet try us on YouTube, we’ve got a LinkedIn page as well, we’ve got Pinterest, we’ve got um, Twitter which is well, X which is to be Twitter, so you can find us on there and loads of articles on our website, The Divorce Magazine.co.uk um, so go on there see what you can find. We’ve got everything divorce, whether it’s legal, whether it’s um, psychological, whether you’re looking for counselling, family mediation, we have all of that on the divorcemagazine.co.uk.

One of the things I like to say about the magazine is that um, the articles that you find on there are all written by professionals. So we don’t have bloggers who write for us, it’s all professionals, qualified people who write except for those who write from an angle where there’s their own experience of divorce and how they managed it or um, separation. So do join us and see what you can find then hopefully, not hopefully, I think you will find that it’s quite helpful um, as it is you’ll find something there, if not let us know and then we will add something on there for you.

So my name is Dr Soila Sindiyo, I’m the Founding Editor of The Divorce Magazine and um, today we have Karen Omand who’s um, actually from Canada, so we have people from all over and on The Divorce Magazine, and Karen holds um, degrees in sociology and thanatology, she’ll tell us what that is in a moment, and she has lived experience of living through um, an abusive marriage and uh, subsequently a very high conflict divorce.

Focussing on the often overlooked realm of grief and divorce she co-founded The Divorce Workshop in 2021s with her colleague Kirk Mosna where, where they’re aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified grief counsellor, and divorce specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision Detachment. She’s the co-author of The Divorce Workbook which will be coming out this Autumn, so look out for it and um, at the end of the interview, Karen will tell us where, you can find the Divorce Workbook once it’s out. So welcome Karen!

Oh thank you for having me on, it’s a pleasure. Um, thank and thank you so much I have to say that we do have an article by Karen on, on our website so if you want to see and you know there’ll be contact, her contact … although we’ll talk about them at the end also.

What is a Thanatologist?

So one of the first questions I’d like to ask you Karen, is what is a Thanatologist? I hope I’m saying it correctly! You are it’s, it’s I think in every podcast, I get asked that question because it’s such a rare, it’s a rare degree I think, uh, it’s the only one in Canada was at the school I went to. It’s a four-year degree um, it’s the study of grief and loss and bereavement, wow, of all different types like non-death loss, suicide, ethics, like it’s interdisciplinary so um, but my whole focus is, we’re trained to look at the world through grief, and so that’s kind of what led, I’ve worked, I’ve worked for um, a lot of years with death loss, but I noticed there’s not a lot of awareness in the divorce field about grief, and how much grief there actually can be, so that’s than Thanatology. It is a, it’s a specific, niche area but um, well needed and I don’t think it’s very recognised um, in the field of divorce as much, so I’d like to you know, as we open up and talk about that I’ll share some of my insights anyways.

Yeah, and I think you’re right because when you talk about grief, the first thing that most people think of the first thought that crosses your mind is death um, in terms of physical death, losing someone that you love, but when we talk about divorce, I’ve noticed and I realised that people will talk about an ending, but there’s more to divorce than just an ending and I’m sure this is what we’re going to talk about.

The death of a relationship: what are the common factors?

So if we start off by talking about just the death of a relationship, I’m sure every relationship has an ending and it’s different for, not every relationship has an ending, every divorce has an ending. I would imagine that it’s different for different people. But maybe there’s some common factors? Yeah, so in my field of grief when I look through the lenses and I’ve worked with people, there’s about four things that are common. Now granted, all grief is unique, right? How you, you know, how we divorce is unique, how we grieve is unique, but certain things I see that’s pretty common, one is that um, they don’t even know that they’re actually maybe grieving. So, they’ve come to me and they’ll, they’ll talk to me and I’ll be like do you know that I think this is grief?

Another thing I noticed is not many people, for death loss and non-death loss, actually know what the symptoms of grief are. Some of them may have headaches, or digestive problems, or cognitive problems right? Maybe they can’t process, or make decisions, and we know divorce is huge of decisions making at the beginning. So there’s a lot of symptoms of grief that they don’t even know and I have to make awareness of that, like we have a sheet in the in the workbook where I say, take a look at this checklist and that awareness can help them go oh, pardon me, go oh maybe I’m actually grieving as well, right? It’s not just anger, and blaming, maybe there’s some major components of grief in my, in my divorce here.

And the third one I noticed when I’ve done support groups is, I’ve brought up the feelings of failure and they generally in the recovery part uh, a lot of people I’ve worked with feel like they’ve failed. And I think that’s society right? We didn’t do the, we didn’t live up to our vows. Society doesn’t like failure, you know we don’t like any bad grades, and um, so that comes up with a lot of divorce.

The last one I want to mention is the post-divorce grief. So, if you’ve been in a difficult, bully type of marriage, and you get out of that marriage, you’ll have to do some processing, the fact that you have to accept that who you were married to. And that is a component of grief as well, and that is for myself as well.

What you, what do you mean? Just, okay so, after you leave a toxic marriage, like you’ve, you’ve left an abusive marriage, as you go through the years and like for me it’s seven years, I’ve had to process the, the grief I felt. I’ve grieved the fact that I was in that marriage for that amount of time and so I’ve had to accept that reality and accept it that, yes I was with this person for 5, 10, 15, 20 years, and it was not a good marriage. And so I felt and I’ve, and others have said to me that they have felt grief about that. Does that make sense to you?

Is it, is it, when, when, when you say that is it because you made the choice that somebody Grieves about, I put myself in this situation and did I put myself in this situation, but I stayed. Yeah stayed and the reality of what that person was, right? And you know, for people that have gone through high conflict, you know, you get out and you’re thinking that’s one step but, there is a grief process of having to accept that, you know, I was in this marriage and, and um, I felt that myself as well.

And does that mean then you just you question your, your choices you question yourself yeah, yeah, yeah and you, you, you do a lot of reflecting right? And, yeah, um, I felt it myself many times, I was like I think I’m, I’m, I grieved the relationship before I left, but over the last like, the last three four years, I’ve had to grieve the fact that I was in this marriage for, this amount of time so, it’s kind of accepting of who I was married to and the choices that I made, but on that you know, we have to practice a lot of self-compassion.

Yeah, I was just thinking if, if somebody came to me and they said that, you know, thinking of themselves a certain way because they chose to marry this person, and stay with this person for a long time, I would, want to, look after them and say you know but you didn’t know, you know, it’s not like you walked in there thinking to yourself I’m walking into this marriage he or she is going, or they are going to be horrible to me but I’m going to go anyway, and I’m going to stay there you know, it’s, then, the not knowing yeah, yeah.

That’s why, for myself and others I’ve worked with you have to practice like you said there’s a lot of self-compassion right, like you have to say, you didn’t know. You know and you tried your best, like a lot of times is, you know you survived you tried your best, and there is just a bit of a component of grief there right.

Do you think that sometimes you have to be ready to leave that relationship?

Can I just ask, do you, do you think that sometimes that you have to be ready to leave a relationship? That if you leave when you’re not ready, you might leave and you might be thinking maybe I could have tried harder, maybe he wasn’t or she wasn’t or they were not that mean to me, so you live with questions, and so if you stay for two years or 3 years, even after you’ve thought I need to leave this relationship and you stay a little bit longer, it’s because you’re, kind of like preparing yourself to leave and you want to be certain that this is what I want to do. You think part of it that um, asks for somebody to, to almost wait until you’re ready and certain?

Yeah, I think a lot of people that go through divorce especially if, if they’ve been swaying a long time, they have to work themselves up to that decision, yeah, um, especially if you have children. For me, uh, personally I was grieving before I left. Okay. For quite some time, yeah, um, even though it was not a good marriage. And, and they say that about the leaver, the person who leaves their marriage, they grieve before they leave and go through, they’re almost like, two or 10 steps ahead of the person that they’re leaving. Is that your experience? Yeah, yeah, that’s my experience as well, but also I just want to mention that they’re, you know, they detach, I think on average is 5 years, but you can also, you can also grieve post-divorce as well.

Right, like I just don’t well like, once you leave, there’s a lot of relief but there can also be moments of, of grief still so, that’s what we call integration of grief where yeah, you’re integrating it more, but I just want to mention that like, I don’t want people to think oh I’ve left and then it’ll never come up again, because, it can for some. And I’ve had people say that even when you’re relieved to have left, that when, when the, I don’t know what you call it in Canada here we call it the decree absolute, when the final decree, yeah, decree absolute, comes through your door and you open it and you see that the marriage has been dissolved this, sometimes it’s like, oh, it’s almost like a moment where you cut yourself. Yeah, yeah, that’s pretty common, yeah, that it’s so I think it’s quite final. Yeah, yeah like it’s like the, the, the, the death of the relationship is final with that decree. Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that many times as well.

Are the 5 stages of grief (in death) similar to the grief you experience before, during, or after a divorce?

So when, when you just started speaking you were talking about the different stages or you know, what, how, what how the manifestation of grief can present itself in divorce you know in, in post-divorce or in divorce. And, and we know that there’s uh, five stages of grief but you know, when there’s a, death of a loved one, are they similar to, what you go through with um, divorce or are there other stages of grief, or, how would somebody know that oh, I am grieving?

So, I’m just going to, as a Thanatologist um, Kübler-Ross is the, you know she’s the pioneer, one of our pioneers of, grief and loss and palliative is work as well, but Thanatologists don’t use the Five Stages of Grief. We, we use other models, because we don’t think, and I think most people know grief isn’t linear right, I think the five stages is also good, was used and is still used where it’s the brain likes simple things right, so it’s like I’m at this stage, I’m at this stage, I’m at this stage. We don’t use that, we use more if you want a different model is the, uh, Dual Process Model, which is by Stroebe and Schut? Schut? Strut, I think, and it’s more of um, loss orientation here, restorative orientation here, and you ping pang between the both um, so you have, you have your loss, so you’re, you’re grieving here heavy and then all of a sudden your friend invites you out, to go to the movies, and you’re in a bit of restorative and you, so that’s kind of a different model that we use.

That’s just one, that’s one of my favourites, there’s other models so we don’t use the five stages, as I said again, but this, this process of going back and forth is more what I see with divorce and grievers of death loss than, the, the uh, stages of grief.

What are the signs of grieving in a divorce?

What are the signs that somebody is grieving or, you know, in divorce? Um, well that it goes back to the symptoms right, like you can have anger, which could be fear-based, and crying which is the, you know that would be normal, you can be irritable, I find that, behaviourally could be changing. I don’t know if people really know, as I said before if they actually know that they’re grieving right, so other ways overdoing things, like overachieving, or underachieving, or not interested in doing anything. A lot of time grieving they get isolated and they feel down, and that’s okay you know, for a little bit um, sometimes grievers avoid. Right, uh, they tend to avoid a lot and I’m okay with avoiding for a little bit, but in divorce it’s hard to, you know things start piling on, so um, yeah, there’s, there’s um, eating, some people eat too much, and people don’t eat enough.

It can manifest in many ways, the thing about grief too is if it’s, if they’re feeling it, it’s going to come out, right grief, is grief is sneaky that way right, like um, I had a, I had a client uh, recently who started crying at work at a meeting and, she was shocked and, you know she’s like I can’t have this happening and I, you know I said to her you know if, if you don’t get it out somehow, however that is, it can be walking and physically, thinking your way through it because there’s two different, there’s two different types of grieving style that usually generally people sway in between them, it’s intuitive, and instrumental.

And intuitive is when we emote our emotions, and instrumentals when we think our way through and generally people sway between the two. So, for her, you know I told her to kind of lean into that a little bit when she’s feeling it and work through it through journaling, however certain tools for certain different type of grievers um, other ones just want to, you know they want to think their way through it you know, or, or to do things with their grief, that can be, you know, different for everybody. Yeah, yeah.

Is there a timescale when it comes to grieving a divorce?

And, and this might sound like a silly question but I know, one of the things that I struggle with when I’m working with, with um, families or clients where they have had a loss is the question of, but it’s been 18 months you know why are they still, you know, feeling like this so it’s been six months, so it’s been you know, is there, you know what I’m going to ask, is there a time scale, where you would meet somebody and they’re still grieving their divorce six years later, not wanting, is six years too long? Six months? 18 months? You know, what would you say? As a, yeah, like well you’re the psychologist you, you, you know, you know how to work this I personally I, I don’t, within a year or two I don’t, it’s a huge loss for, for some people right, so, and what I look for is baby steps of movement forward right?

What I look for there’s no closure, right, it’s integration is what we call right, so what I like to see is when I’m working with divorce, as well as death loss, is baby steps. And if I see little baby steps, and they’re slowly trying to, but I can tell you I had um, I was doing a grief presentation for a seniors group, and it was, it was a lot of seniors and some of them were widows and widowers, but there was a lady that came on and she’s like I have been divorced for 20 years and you know how angry I am. And that, you know, that I would intervene and say, for 20 years, she was holding on to that, anger and bitterness and you could see on her face right like, that is when intervention needs right, like she needs someone like you, or some grief counselling or, something to help her uh, start rebuilding her life up again so.

I have seen it a few times, um, but generally, the, generally, for most with the right type of support they recover. Yeah, yeah I don’t have a particular timeline um, I like to see little steps. Yeah, yeah, okay yeah, I think that’s fair enough, because you know if somebody just stays static also sometimes, and it continues in that way, I might be tempted to ask what are they gaining from just staying there, what are they um, getting from that because it’s almost like you don’t really want to stay somewhere that’s uncomfortable unless it’s something else is a secondary gain somewhere. But then that depends on how long, you know also.

Whether you have been left or are the leaver, does the reason matter in terms of grief?

Does the reason for the divorce matter in terms of grieving? So two parts to this question there’s a part, the part where the one who’s been left and is grieving, or the leaver who’s leaving because there has been domestic abuse, or there has been, infidelity, you know um, does the reason matter in terms of grief? Yeah I think so, yeah, yeah, I, I think it to me I’ve had it where someone was married to someone for 30 years, didn’t really know exactly what was like, that they were coming like they were coming, going to get divorced had thought they had a lovely family, and they come home and decides to tell this other person that they’re divorcing her, after 30 years.

Difference compared to a couple who’s been who you’ve probably worked with that have tried for years to make this work, and they’re both just exhausted and, it almost feels like the right choice. And I think for grievers, the one that, the, as we said before, the one that was deciding to leave, like I was, I was grieving before, right, and then the one that was left they don’t have a lot of control. So there’s another element of that right, so um, I do find the ones that were, that were left, to sometimes grieve, have harder time, yeah, depending on why right, so cheating, financial abuse, are big ones, yeah, yeah.

And also sometimes it can come as a shock, trauma, like you’re saying with the, the ones who are married for 30 years and then, yeah, you know, it’s like, it’s all over in, in a matter of moments. Yeah and your whole life, kind of like a sudden death, it’s, it’s gone and everything that you’ve built together and that secure base safe haven thing, that attachment system that you had is just, gone and I don’t think there’s a lot of support for those type of people. That’s true, that’s true um, it’s like starting all over again without somebody but then the person, is still present it’s not like they have died, they are still alive.

Do you think that the grief that comes with divorce affects children differently?

Do you think that the grief that comes from a divorce affects children differently, where they’re children than you know, when they’re parents? I was just thinking about that as you know we’re speaking. Yeah, I think, so yeah, uh, I’m also from a divorced family, as a child and any time I transitioned, from my mom who I was very, very attached to, to my dad and his wife, I would cry myself to sleep right, so, um, another thing is, is what parents have to understand is, you know, when you’re co-parenting, this is personal as well as, I want to just tell you guys this, I’m sure you already know this but, when they’re transitioning, you’re going to miss them 50% of the time, because a lot of people have joined custody now right, 50/50.

The child though can be grieving 100% of the time, because once if they’re with their dad, they could be missing their mom, if they’re with their mom, they can be missing their dad. So it’s just kind of awareness of that, yeah, you’re, you’re really missing them, when they’re not with you, just remember that the kids, and myself when I went through it, they’re missing the parents all the time, right, yeah.

Just an awareness thing for, for co-parenting. Yeah, it’s just something I want to um, let people know that children do grieve and I think it, you know depends on as you said the layers of loss, but like you know, one example is like a younger like, three, two, three year old could start peeing their pant, like peeing their bed again or, actually, you know, and I think if I remember correctly age, you know the tweens years are pretty tough for divorce, you know so, um, we have to be mindful of that and I think, sometimes we’re so overwhelmed as a parent when we’re going through divorce, we kind of forget. Yeah, that our kids are grieving as well, about this as well.

Yeah, I think that’s a really good point in terms of um, the children and grieving 100%, you know the transitioning, you know, sometimes they say oh well you have two homes now, you have two Christmases, two birthdays, it’s not really, probably what they would rather have. And probably with what, what you’re saying, maybe encouraging parents to just, read read, read on, the on Children of Divorce, um, even if it’s paying for one session to just have some psycho education around what my children might be going through like you’re saying, the teens and the tweens and the you know, those ones um, who are like 10 to, you know even babies feel it, even babies feel the vacuum that has been left by the other parent not being there and infants.

I think that’s really um, important um, can I just ask how old, if you don’t mind, how old you were when your parents divorced? So I was six months, oh you were six months so when I say babies do, then you know what I’m talking about, yeah, and I never, knew my parents together. Right, so I never had, a mom and dad together, yeah, and back then, so this was the 70s, um, I saw my dad four days a month, okay. Because, yeah, so every other weekend yeah, so I was very, very attached to my mother, yeah, um, that’s just the way it was back then I think, you know, um, it’s gotten a lot better but, with your past?

Yeah like, like with, with shared custody it’s getting better we’re, you know I think there’s still some struggles with that but, yeah I didn’t, I protested, I didn’t want to go, you know and that’s interesting because by the time you were six, from six months, to the time where you became vocal, where you were more, I mean we’re talking about another maybe 12 months before you can just, you know vocalise let’s say for instance or another 6 months, but it’s almost like you, held the knowledge that this is not what I want, although you were just a baby when it, it didn’t, you know how children say oh you people say oh but children are so resilient and um, I usually, usually ask resilient from what? You know they don’t know anything else, what are they bouncing back from? You know.

I think that’s more of a comfort for them, yeah, yeah, than in reality what it is yeah, yeah. I was, I was always pretty, when I met my new stepmother I made it clear at 5, that you’re not my mother. Wow, yeah, yeah, something that that setup you had grown up with it so they wouldn’t you know, they wouldn’t been, someone can assume that oh no this is how she grew up, she doesn’t know any better, and you know, so, yeah, very interesting.

How do you know when a relationship is over?

Yeah, so how do you know when a relationship is over? Someone might be watching this and listening to this and thinking but I’m not sure whether to go or to stay how, how, how does one know that okay this relationship is over? You know, that was like a question I had to really think about because everybody’s so unique as well you know. For me personally I’ll tell you what happened to me was cracks were starting to show up. I would ask my friends certain questions, I would ask my family that were divorced already, I’m like oh so how did that go? Like things were starting, I was, think I was starting to plan things. I went to the library, I was starting to look up things, and then it kind of dawned on me that I started to talk about it more, and I was building up to leaving now I was in a very difficult marriage.

So that’s how I built the courage to leave mine right, I kind of started planning. Um, I’ve had clients where they said they were, they were getting they were going out they were embarrassed of their ex. I’ve had it where they had felt contempt, um, communication breakdown you know, the Gottman is the famous couple in the states they’ve done a lot of good research there, I’m sure they have great podcasts that you guys can listen to but, uh one of the questions, because everybody asked this right how do I know and I, I, I wish there was some golden, assessment right where we could give them and say okay here take this book, take this little checklist, like the DSM5 and check off this, but you, there, there’s nothing like that right.

So one of the things I, one of the things I, I’ve done to a few clients and said okay so, if you were to go home and all their things were packed up at the door, like all of it was packed up, and they were leaving, I want you to write about that. How would you feel about that? And see what comes up right, so see how you feel if you’re, feeling really terrible about it then maybe you guys can work it out or there’s just something smaller going on um, it’s a unique, it’s unique to everybody I don’t have a, yeah, like a, the right answer for everybody.

I actually think that’s a pretty good assessment, oh, do you? Yeah I actually do because then it makes it very, very personal, and somebody might think oh okay I get home, and his bags are packed or, he’s left how am I going to feel. Um, and they might think oh I’m not sure, so that can kind of say well no you’re not sure so maybe things can work out. If somebody’s like oh my god, please let that happen, let it be so then maybe it’s, it’s time to think, if somebody else thinks no I can’t do that because of the children, yeah, I think it’s a pretty good way of assessing the situation, whether to go, yeah and I would like them to write like, I’d like them to if they you know I’m, I’m, I love narrative therapy so it’s like write it down like maybe write reflect on what you’re thinking. Really reflect on it, really reflect on it, yeah, because it’s not, it’s it shouldn’t be a decision taken lightly, you know.

It is a, it is a huge decision I think that’s why people take so long in leaving because if you, if you have kids but I, I’m working with somebody that doesn’t have kids and it’s still been a really tough decision, you know, yeah, because even when they’re no kids it’s still a family, a couple is still a family. They’re a family, and that’s what, the one, the one I, I’ve been working with she’s like but they’re my family, you know, and that hurts right and, and, and it’s painful. Yeah, yeah.

How do you get to the acceptance stage after a divorce?

A lot of the times you’ll he not just in divorce and um, in grief but a lot of the times people say you just have to accept that it’s over, you just have to accept that it’s over which is nice, and it’s great to say that and it’s true, but how do you get to acceptance? That’s a huge step.

Yeah, acceptance in the grief world there’s a couple of things, acceptance of the reality of the loss, and then on the other end is trying to make meaning out of it all. So, acceptance is, so in my field is if you think about it we talked about this already the layers of loss right, so um, think about it this way, so we have, when we’re divorcing, we have intangible losses. Right such as your identity right, and then you have tangible losses, which is like the house, the chattels right, the stuff in your home, the money that’s going out for legal bills, stuff like that and then, so, acceptance of a loss is great we, we all want them to get there, but there’s a lot of loss to get through, right. And to get through all those layers of losses you have to know that you have all these layers of losses, and then you have to accept those layers of losses.

And then we need to start, rebuilding your life so if you think about it as, if you have a house, and you have a foundational crack, and the crack is the divorce, and the acceptance is kind of you’re slowly trying to heal that crack a bit, but then you’re trying to rebuild it with bricks right, your new life, you’re trying to make meaning out of this painful situation. And, once you start doing that, then slowly the acceptance is starting to happen and then you’re rebuilding your life and, and that’s kind of that making meaning bit again, if that makes sense to you? Yeah, yeah, making meaning of your experience, I’m yeah, and, and integrating that into rediscovering who you are again right, like, I’m sure you’ve talked to many people that it’s, you know, working on rediscovering who you were, and who you are now, is part of part of recovering too, so.

But rebuilding, yeah, rebuilding your life up, because that’s what divorce is too, it’s, it is rebuilding, the life that you want or that you, you’ve been given, right because if you’ve been left, and I, the thing is though it’s funny as a Thanatologist people always say well how do I do this, how do I make meaning um, how do I re, and I’m like I, that’s I can suggest things for you, but ultimately it’s up to you what fills you up right, and that takes time as well. Yeah. That’s more in the recovery like section of a divorce, yeah, the recovery can be a long process, and I think what I have heard is, for those, you know earlier on when you were talking about those who will throw themselves into their jobs and into their work so they will just preoccupy themselves, what I’ve noticed is that sometimes, it can come back later to catch up with them, in one form or the other maybe, they just don’t want to have another relationship, or they jump into another relationship quite quickly and um, without having dealt with, everything else that was, you know, that was coming from there and they walk into this one with everything that’s there.

What advice would you give to someone who is putting up a front but internally, stuck in their past relationship?

Let’s say I’m your client, let’s pretend I’m your client and I’ve come to you, and it’s been, three years since my divorce, and I’m still struggling um, I’m going out, I’m seeing people, I’m putting up a front as in, no I’m good it’s okay I know he’s happy, I’m happy and everything, but inside me I’m, struggling. You’re still stuck and I’m yeah, exactly, I’m still stuck. What, what advice would you give me? The thing that I look for most people that are stuck is I want to know what their solid support systems are like because, what type of friends are they doing, are they, so, if you have in, in my cases that I’ve, that I’ve dealt with as well as in death loss and divorce loss is the ones that have, the best support systems, do better.

Okay, so, I’m not talking about just friends, I’m talking about do you have good peer support. Peer support meaning are you talking to other people that have either gone through divorce, or are in, have been with you kind of at the same time of divorce, but they’re good for you right, they’re not making you angry, they’re not making you uh, more sad, so peer support I look for.

I also look for yourself right, so that’s when um, how are they actually? Are they leaning into their feelings? Are they um, distracting like we talked about before avoiding because avoidance and grief, go hand in hand because who wants to be in that much pain and then the other ones is professionals, like maybe they need to see you, right like maybe they need a counsellor, they need therapists to work on their whole life story right, like um, maybe they’re feeling at the core rejected, right um, and then the fourth one is friends and family.

But, but the thing is with friends and family is, and I actually have an exercise in the book about this, is you need to make sure you’re, you’re being supported by the right type of friends and family, right because sometimes you’re not, sometimes you’re not going to be supported if you’re picking the wrong people to support you right. So, so that’s kind of what I look at, for first thing and that’s just kind of the Thanatologist me because I’ve seen it where even with the loss of a child, when I’ve worked with mothers, which I’ve done quite often is, if they have a, this type of support system, which is very difficult loss they tend to um, they’ll always grieve forever but they tend to do better than ones that are not um, well supported. Yeah, if that answers some of that question?

It does, it does and I think um, that part where you’re talking about choosing who’s going to be your support system, who’s going to be there for you because you can have some really well-meaning friends and family um, who are there on your side but, you know um, and consciously or without you know being aware of it they’ll be uh, fanning the flames of your anger, so you then they’ll be like so what has he done now, what has she done now, I would never, you know what, I’ll email him and you know, and all of that I’m not, you I wouldn’t take that if I were you, so that’s kind of like choosing who you know, who’s actually nurturing you.

Right and is that healthy for you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, and I also want to say is with the peers, that’s why I said you got to be mindful of the divorce peers because if you have one that’s like, really angry, well you’re going to feed off that right like we all feed off each other right so if they’re really angry and, you know you’re going to start getting angrier and, and so it’s just to be mindful of who you’re spending time with because you want, you want to be able to get validated, but you also need to start, you know, moving forward so um, those are something that, you know that I would look at closely. Yeah.

Finally, Karen could you tell us a little bit about your, your Divorce Workbook we’ve mentioned it just before um, that’s supposed, it’s coming out this Autumn. So, what is it about? where can we get it? Um, just how would it help somebody?

So this is going to be on Amazon, we’ve actually, we actually included um, some UK bits in it too because um, yeah, because divorce is, divorce, divorce right, wherever you go I mean it’s a different cultures everything but um, this Divorce Workbook we, we worked on it for about two years and about, 49 of, it’s 200 pages about 49 of that is self- test and little workouts, that I’ve designed and Kirks designed and um, they’re all to help you engage in the divorce process so um, example one of them is in the financial information is, are you anxious about money? Right, and it’s just a simple exercise, and it’s a great foundational workbook um, for those that are exploring or going through divorce.

It’s not going to replace the lawyer, the mediator, or the counsellor, or the, you know uh, financial people, but it is going to give you a good foundational start, because I don’t really think many people who haven’t been through divorce know exactly what divorce is like and it, it’s based on six units so the first unit is insights right, so, this is kind of some exercises and some tips on what it’s really like and then there’s legal information like, how to keep your legal bills down, how to pick a good lawyer, uh, what does the divorce process kind of look like, and then there’s emotions, which is, you know my favourite unit, unit.

Um, and then there’s a financial information, and then co-parenting, because that’s a big adjustment no who knows how to do that you know right it’s, it’s tough and then there’s recovery which is uh, probably the best easiest unit right, out of all of divorce right, but so yeah, we’ve been working hard we’re super excited and we wanted to do it because we wanted to make it an affordable option. Yeah, so everybody could get it, not just you know because, there’s a lot of great stuff out there but, we want to make it affordable for everybody.

Yeah, yeah, and I think what you’re talking about the different units that you’re talking about it sounds like they go from, they can help while you’re thinking about it and, and wondering about it to just after you have left but there, there are two units there that I think uh, and you put them just both of them right back to back at the end um, one of the big ones is the co-parenting bit which is um, always such a big deal but I’ve had solicitors saying that a lot of the times the financial bit tends to be the one lingering longest, they can reach the co-parenting bit and then the financial bit is the one that lingers longest and can end up costing a lot of money. And deciding on co-parenting when you’re grieving also and you’re full of anger and you’re full of rage and um, you’re not eating well you’re not sleeping well and, and the kids are not, pretty much doing the same as you it can be quite challenging, quite difficult.

You have to almost be the, the best parent, at the worst time of your like, could be, if you’re, you know like you’re super stressed, you’re not sleeping, you’re not eating, you, you could be crying, you know you having to work, you have to do it all, and you’re doing it all on your own now. Yeah, however percentage of the time, yeah, and what I, you know this better than I do but a lot of times you have to learn to repair, right, so if you over speak with your kids or you’re a little bit irritable, you shout or something, you show up as a human and say you know what mommy’s just having a bad day and I’m very sorry and um.

Exactly. The number of times that I say that to parents, and I’m not just saying the ones who are going through divorce but also just when I’m running parenting groups and I just say, if you make a mistake and you know you’ve made a mistake just say sorry, you know just say sorry, it’s not going to, show you as being weak or, you know, but it’s just saying you know what, no you’re right I shouldn’t have said that, really sorry about that, you know. Yeah, um, and also when parents argue in front of the child which can happen and will happen during divorce, almost certainly I would say, and sometimes I have parents who will be, you know oh no we had this this really huge argument before when he came to drop, you know, drop off the children, and I’ll say so were the children there? Yeah they were there, so what have you said to them, oh no, oh no, no nothing we haven’t talked about it.

And exactly, and I’m like well, um, you might want to talk about it because they have not forgotten, you know, it’s not like they, they forget about it just talk to them about it and say I’m really sorry that, you saw what happened or what, you heard what I said to daddy not right, not good, I’m really sorry that I put you through that.

Another thing I want to mention too as a child of divorce too is um, the tension that is felt with no talking, yeah, so transition days, there’s absolutely silence but the tension a child feels it’s like thick and I, and I would think it would be mindful for everybody that’s going through this is, is you may just want to try to act, civil, for the child’s sake so, you don’t need to talk like no tomorrow you just say hello and try to just make it as, as easy, win the Oscar, whatever, you have to do hello, right, win the, just hello, here yes, you know what I mean and it could just help the kids because I felt a lot of anxiety on transition days and it wasn’t like they were always fighting in front of each other it was just the heaviness of it all.

Should separated parents still get each other Father’s Day / Mother’s Day cards?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, um. I have one last question just because we’re talking about um, I want your view on this, I say this to parents but sometimes they’re like you out of your mind I am not doing that I kind of encourage them to, still give Father’s Day cards and Mother’s Day cards and even though you cannot stand your ex, just not for you, it’s from the children. Let’s go get your mum a card, let’s go get your dad a card, you know you pick it and then they write it and they give it, because otherwise would you think, you think. Yeah I think it’s good. Yeah.

My parents never did that um, but remember the 70s there wasn’t a lot of, I think research was starting back then so, I give my parents, they did the best they could with the, little knowledge they had. But yeah, it’s very hard, um, very hard, to do that but it, it is for the betterment of the children, right because children are pretty you know, if, if co-parenting’s done right, children turn out okay. Yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah they do, they do.

Karen thank you so very much for taking the time to speak with us and you know at The Divorce Magazine and I hope our readers, I know our readers, and our, because it’s going to go on the divorcemagazine.co.uk website as well, oh great, and it’s going to go on um, our YouTube channel and then it’s going to go on The Divorce Magazine LinkedIn, and so forth, um, I can’t wait for people to listen to this because I think the knowledge that it’s okay to grieve for a lost relationship and okay whe, whether you’re aware of grieving for a lost relationship or not, it does, it doesn’t mean that you don’t go through it.

Thank you very, very much for taking the time and thank, thank you for having me on um, it’s really, I have a real passion to try to, yeah, make more people aware of this um, the grief of divorce. So, yeah, yeah. Thank you very much you’re doing a good job doing it now the work was out. I hope so. Thank you very much, thank you.

How can people contact you? Oh yeah, so I’m um, www.divorceworkshop.ca you can email me at karen@divorceworkshop.ca we’re on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn, and YouTube as well so. Do you work with people just from all over the world? Yeah, yeah, because it’s grief, like because it’s, it’s not legal and not financial it’s like I can, I do yeah, I, I, I, do all over the world, yeah, and you’re super qualified as well so yeah, yeah I tried!

[Music]

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on Instagram, Facebook , and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

Children of Divorce/Coping with Divorce/Step-Parenting/Well-being/Your Emotions

How Co-Parents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children

Published on September 23, 2024September 18, 2024

Al Huntoon
Founder
Coparenting Connection

“When my parents got divorced, I was just a baby and had no idea what it felt like to have two parents together. Children at any age grieve the loss of their family.”

What is Grief?

In very simple terms, grief is a reaction to loss. When we think of grief, we often think of a death loss, but grief is much broader than most think, and it can be felt for various reasons. Children are not immune to feeling these emotions. Many parents who go through a breakup or divorce may not even recognise that their children may also be grieving.

One aspect of the experience that not many separating or divorcing couples understand is that children do grieve this loss. It changes their whole life. Children can have similar reactions to how the parents may feel about the separation or divorce.

Children’s reactions and feelings can be more acute in the case of high-conflict separations or divorces. The day before transferring the child to the other parent’s house can be fraught with tense feelings. These are sensed by the child, who may wonder whether their parents may fight openly at the transfer or what will happen. That was my experience as a child.

When Karen’s parents divorced, she was too young to know what it was like to have both parents together. Karen recalls feeling lonely and insecure during her visits with her father, crying alone, and longing for her mother. Children of all ages grieve the loss of their family, though many parents may not recognise this. Grief, a reaction to loss, isn’t limited to death and can deeply affect children during divorce. This grief changes a child’s entire life, often manifesting in behavioural issues due to their limited ability to understand or express their feelings.

To illustrate this, Karen shares a deeply personal story from her own childhood, which highlights the impact of grief.

I saw pictures of myself spending time with my father when I was very young, but my earliest memories were with my mother. I spent most of my childhood with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend. Some of my earliest memories include crying in my bed at my father’s place and longing to be with my mom. I felt alone and hurt, yearning for her. I was also a very sickly child, and I struggled in those early years of school.

My attachment system was formed to feel secure and safe with my mom, but my behaviour was not always entirely indicative of that. I felt strongly attached and secure with her, but something else was going on at the same time. Once in kindergarten, I stole some macaroni that we used for art, and I got caught, so this was reported to the principal and my mom. I am not sure why I took it—maybe I thought my mom needed it to feed us. I also remember taking some Rice Krispies from home, putting them in a bag, and hiding them in the evergreens in front of the house. Was I feeling unsafe or insecure?

I wasn’t close to my father or his new wife. Years later, as I reflect on my childhood, I realise I had been grieving the loss of a normal family, the time I wasn’t with my mom, and the absence of a father figure I never truly had. I had never talked about this until years later in therapy. As a child in the 1970s and 1980s, my feelings did not matter much.

Parents may feel guilt about the separation or divorce but might not understand that their children are grieving as well. Karen’s parents never knew, and she cried by herself, jealous of other families with two loving parents—an emotion she now recognises as a form of grief.

Children Living Between Two Worlds

For children, divorce involves not just family members moving but also strong emotions and significant changes. They must navigate living between two worlds, with parents who may have different parenting styles. Consistency can help, but the transition is still difficult. Adults must understand separation or divorce from the child’s perspective, recognising that while they handle logistics, children are dealing with internal turmoil.

It’s common for separated or divorced parents to not want to hear that their child misses or feels sad about the other parent, leading some children to isolate themselves emotionally. Karen’s story is an example of this. Children may grieve the loss of their family, the daily presence of both parents, and the stability they once had. Relief may come in high-conflict households, but grief can also include sadness, confusion, anger, and fear of the unknown. Addressing these grief-related emotions is crucial to helping children adjust to divorce.

Age-Specific Indicators:

Ages 2 and under: Increased fussiness, clinginess, regression.
Ages 3-5: Regression, nightmares, aggression, noncompliance, temper tantrums, complaints about stomach.
Ages 6-9: Role replacement, feelings of abandonment, clinginess, fear you will disappear, aggression, withdrawal, may blame themselves, possessiveness, psychosomatic symptoms.
Early Adolescents: Increased aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, torn between two people, feeling the weight of being stuck in the middle, may take sides, anger, frustration, confusion, hurt, shame (worries about what their friends may think), may play games with parents.
Ages 13-18: Aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, possible risky behaviours, may distance themselves emotionally, may have conflicted loyalties, uncertain how to talk to their friends about it, grieve their home and lifestyle, grades may slip.
All Ages: Sadness, anger, guilt, denial, fear, psychosomatic symptoms, behavioural problems, aggression, concentration issues, fatigue, withdrawal, low self-esteem.

Emotional Literacy in Grieving Children

These reactions triggered by loss can be overwhelming for children, they often lack the emotional maturity and cognitive development to fully understand or process the feeling of grief. Children often struggle to articulate their feelings and might require guidance and support to navigate their grief in a healthy, productive way. Emotional literacy—the ability to recognise, understand, and express emotions constructively—plays a crucial role in helping children manage their grief. Here are some key benefits:

Validation of Feelings: When children can clearly express their feelings, they often feel more in control and understood. Knowing that their emotions are acknowledged and valued gives them a sense of empowerment. This recognition also fosters trust between children and their caregivers, reinforcing the idea that their feelings matter. Stronger emotional bonds with parents develop when children feel heard and understood, providing essential support and love during challenging times.
Reduced Anxiety: Understanding emotions can shed light on the complex feelings associated with grief, reducing confusion and anxiety. Expressing emotions can be a calming release, helping children manage anxiety in a healthy way. Children who can articulate their emotions are less likely to feel overwhelmed. By understanding the emotional responses of others, children can approach social interactions and family dynamics with greater ease.
Healthy Expression: Emotional literacy provides children with positive outlets for their emotions, reducing the likelihood of emotional outbursts or destructive behaviors. By learning to communicate their needs and feelings effectively, children can build stronger relationships with parents and peers. This emotional intelligence also enhances their ability to resolve conflicts peacefully by understanding different perspectives.
Enhanced Coping Skills: Emotional literacy helps children develop stronger coping mechanisms, helping them to face life’s challenges with resilience and adaptability. They are better equipped to solve problems by considering both their emotions and logical reasoning. This emotional intelligence enables children to make balanced decisions.

Supporting Emotional Literacy

Nurturing children’s emotional literacy involves employing intentional strategies that parents can implement to help their children understand and express their emotions in a healthy manner:

Modelling Behaviour: Parents can demonstrate emotional awareness by openly expressing their own feelings in an age-appropriate manner. For example, a parent might say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now.” By modelling healthy emotional responses, parents teach children valuable coping skills. Creating an open environment where children can ask questions and share their feelings without fear of judgment is essential.
Active Listening: When children express their emotions, giving them full attention is crucial. Using empathetic statements like, “I think you might be feeling sad because of the changes in our family,” shows children that their feelings are understood and valued. Attentive listening encourages open dialogue about emotions and fosters a supportive atmosphere.
Labelling and Coaching: Helping children identify and label their emotions is a key step in emotional literacy. For example, if children’s is upset, a parent can say, “It seems like you’re feeling angry.” Discussing the reasons behind these emotions can help children understand their feelings better. Positive reinforcement for expressing emotions encourages continued development of emotional literacy skills.

Strategies to Address Children’s Grief

Providing a Stable and Supportive Environment

Creating a sense of stability and support is crucial for children’s experiencing grief, especially in a coparenting situation. By working together, parents can build a consistent and reassuring environment that helps their child feel secure, even amidst significant life changes.

Aligned Messaging: In the delicate process of coparenting, presenting a unified front is crucial. When parents align their messaging, it not only reduces confusion but also eases the insecurities that grieving children often face. Consistent communication about family changes and emotional support signals to the child that both parents are in sync, offering them a comforting sense of security.
Shared Emotional Literacy Goals: Both parents should place a high priority on fostering emotional literacy, ensuring they are teaching and reinforcing the same concepts and strategies. By collaborating on how to handle significant events or emotional challenges, parents can prevent mixed signals and reinforce the importance of understanding and expressing emotions constructively. This unified approach ensures that the child receives consistent guidance, no matter which home they are in.
Predictability and Stability: Stability is the cornerstone of children’s emotional security, especially during times of grief. Consistency in rules and routines across both households provides the predictability that children need to feel safe and in control. When parents collaborate to establish similar expectations—whether it’s bedtime or screen time—they create a consistent experience that helps the child understand both homes as secure and familiar spaces, reducing any potential for confusion or anxiety.

Communication is Critical

Regular Check-ins: To uphold consistency, parents should schedule regular check-ins to discuss their children’s emotional and behavioural progress. Whether weekly or bi-weekly, these proactive discussions allow parents to stay ahead of any emerging issues, preventing minor challenges from escalating into significant problems.
Emotional Updates: These check-ins are also a vital opportunity to share updates on the children’s emotional state. By discussing any significant events or changes in behaviour, parents can ensure they are both prepared to respond appropriately and consistently, reinforcing the children’s emotional literacy and wellbeing.
Focus on the Children’s Wellbeing: Amidst the complexities of coparenting, it’s essential to keep the focus squarely on the child’s well-being. Conflicts should be handled privately, away from children, to avoid adding unnecessary stress to their emotional burden. By agreeing to present a calm and united front, even during disagreements, parents can shield their children from tension. In moments of conflict, refocusing on the shared goal—supporting the children’s emotional and developmental needs—can guide conversations and decisions toward constructive outcomes.

Professional Support

Undoubtedly, there will be challenges in helping your children navigate a separation or divorce. For the most part, you and your co-parent will be able to guide them through this life-changing event. However, each child’s response to the family transition will be unique. One child may adapt better to the divorce, while another may struggle. At times, it may be best for co-parents to seek support from professionals who can help guide and support their child through the separation or divorce and its effects.

When to Seek Professional Help

There are several reasons why co-parents might consider seeking professional help. As mentioned earlier, children’s behaviors can vary depending on their developmental stage. It is normal for children to regress, show anger, and sadness, or make hurtful remarks during a separation or divorce. These behaviors often stem from their grief over the loss of their previous family structure. However, if these signs become persistent and severe, consulting a children’s therapist may be crucial.

Signs That Professional Help May Be Needed:

Persistent Distress: Continuous sadness, anxiety, or upset for an extended period.
Significant Behavioural Issues: Dramatic changes in behaviour, increased defiance, aggression, or disruption.

Unexplained Physical Symptoms: Frequent complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments without a clear medical cause.
Self-Harm or Severe Depression/Anxiety: Talk of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or severe emotional distress.
Decline in Academic Performance: Noticeable drops in grades, loss of interest in school, or frequent school-related complaints.
Social Withdrawal: Avoiding friends, family, and previously enjoyed social activities.
Sleep Disturbances: Persistent nightmares, insomnia, or excessive sleeping.
Regressive Behaviours: Reverting to younger behaviours such as bed-wetting, clinginess, or tantrums.
Substance Use: Experimenting with drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism.
Intense Anger or Aggression: Frequent outbursts, fighting with peers, or defiance toward authority figures.
Difficulty with Daily Functioning: Struggling with routines, responsibilities, or loss of interest in activities.
Changes in Eating Habits: Significant weight loss or gain, or changes in eating patterns.
Excessive Guilt or Self-Blame: Expressing feelings of responsibility for the divorce or ongoing family issues.

Recognising these signs early and seeking professional help can make a significant difference in your child’s emotional and psychological wellbeing during and after a divorce.

Conclusion: Why This Matters

Parenting responsibilities don’t diminish during a separation or divorce; in fact, they often increase as coparenting introduces new and challenging skills. Emotional literacy is crucial—children need to express their feelings about the suddenly changed circumstances and their impact. Parents need to communicate with their children and be vigilant for harmful behaviors.

Coparents must understand that children grieve and that each child’s way of grieving is unique. During separation and divorce, parents are often overwhelmed by the many tasks and emotions involved. Some may feel strong guilt about leaving a marriage and its effects on their children. Many parents may not realise that, although children are generally resilient and able to transition, most new co-parents are unaware of how to effectively communicate with their children during this time.

Whether the relationship ended mutually or not, divorce is overwhelming. Karen’s personal story is not uncommon. This guide, which includes behaviours to watch for, developmental issues at each age, emotional literacy, practical coparenting strategies, and creating a stable environment, provides important steps for recognising and addressing these challenges.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

About Al Huntoon

Al Huntoon is a seasoned social worker with over 30 years of progressive experience in nonprofit leadership, coaching, and conflict resolution. As the founder of Coparenting Connection, he helps parents navigate the challenges of coparenting children from separate homes. Previously, he served as a Child Custody Mediator in the North Carolina’s largest Family Court District where he mediated hundreds of cases in a highly charged legal and emotional environment.

Children of Divorce/Coping with Divorce/Step-Parenting

Step Parenting: Ups and Downs

Published on August 20, 2024

At the tender age of 4 or 5, my small world suddenly included a new character – my stepmother. What my father had hoped would be a seamless blending of families turned out to be anything but. I can still vividly remember innocently requesting of her a task that, in my young mind, only my mom could accomplish – something truly extraordinary. Her response, tethered by the complexity of our situation, marked the beginning of what would become a challenging relationship.

As the years rolled by, the connection between us failed to blossom into the harmonious bond one might have hoped for. Now, in retrospect, those tumultuous years have inspired me to help those navigating the intricate journey of serious relationships after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Step Families: The Common Reality

Amidst high divorce rates for first-time marriages, it is even higher for second marriages, a crucial factor contributing to this trend is the intricate dynamics of blended families. Stepfamilies are prevalent in the U.S., U.K., and Canada, where a substantial portion of the population includes at least one step-relative. However, achieving harmony in a new stepfamily is not an immediate accomplishment; even under optimal conditions, it generally takes two to four years for the family to establish a cohesive rhythm in shared living

However, the journey is far from straightforward. Remarriage with children introduces intricate challenges, often contributing to a higher divorce rate. Issues like intolerance, competing needs, loyalty pressures, and sharing struggles can complicate the dynamics, potentially leading to conflicts that jeopardise relationships. Success in such blended families requires shedding fairy-tale ideals and approaching remarriage with children armed with realistic expectations.

My Story: A Child of Divorce with a Stepparent

Growing up in the aftermath of my parents’ high-conflict divorce was not without its challenges. In an era where there were no guides on being a good stepparent and little emphasis on blending families the right way, my father, being a traditional man, took a back seat in parenting when I was with him and his wife. Balancing attention between my older sister and myself, as well as my new siblings from his new wife, posed challenges. My initial resistance to accepting another motherly figure into my life set the stage for a rocky start with my new stepmother which continued for years and years.

With no “How to be a Good Stepparent book” to guide the way, the blending of our families back in the 1970s and 80s lacked knowledge and education. My mother’s values and parenting styles differed significantly from my new stepmother’s, and adjusting to this new dynamic was no easy feat. I was very bonded to my mother, and there was no way that this new person was ever going to replace her. The adaption was complicated and stressful for me. When I would leave my mom’s, I would cry myself to sleep at my father’s, where I felt left out and alone. Over time, I eventually adapted and survived, but there were aspects I loathed. My stepmother introduced a set of rules and traditions that clashed with what I was familiar with, and the adjustment process was anything but smooth.

I remember once when I did not make my bed to her standards and, as I was walking to school, probably in grade 3 or 4, she started to scream at me outside as I began my walk to school. It was humiliating, and I hated her even more. Another time, I was a teenager and babysitting my younger siblings. I was trying to get a hold of my father to come home earlier from the club bar, as I had been asked out on my very first date. I called the bar a few times to finally get her on the phone and asked them to come home so I could go out on this date. When she got home, she screamed at me for ruining her night. Everything I did had to go through her, not my father, which was one of their biggest mistakes.

If she were to say anything in her defence I did not make it easy for her, and it was not my role to do so. I was a young child and hurting on many levels. As I got older there was never any open communication between my father and stepmother on what was to be expected and how I was feeling or doing. That was not a common thing done in the 70s and 80s when children’s feelings were validated and talked about.

Navigating the role of a step-parent is undoubtedly challenging, both for the individual stepping into that role and for the child involved. While my personal experience may not paint an optimistic picture, however, countless blended families thrive, demonstrating that success is indeed possible. I recall a psychologist emphasising the positive correlation between a child’s wellbeing and the love they receive. This underscores the potential for a fulfilling relationship between a step-parent and their stepchild through dedicated effort, patience, and a clear understanding of their respective roles.

There are important aspects to consider if you’re considering remarriage or entering a serious relationship after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Here are some general guidelines for step-parents:

Establishing Clear Communication:

Maintain consistent communication with the child’s biological parent to better understand their parenting views and the child’s needs.
Ask for their input on how to build a positive relationship with your step child, ensuring you’re aligned in your approach.

Navigating Parenting Styles:

Reflect on your parenting methods, acknowledging that each parent might have a different approach. Striving for a common understanding is crucial. Notably, roughly one-third of parents may have similar parenting styles.
Promote an environment where all parents can openly discuss and contribute to decisions impacting the child.

Setting Realistic Expectations:

Acknowledge that step parenting comes with unique challenges, and understand that blended families have their dynamics, different from traditional ones. It’s important to give step parents the space to voice their challenges and frustrations.
Replace expectations of instant bonding with patience, understanding that forming strong connections takes time.

Intentional Role Development:

Be mindful and deliberate about your role within the family. Invest time in learning about your stepchildren, their history, and any special needs they may have.
Engage in open, transparent discussions with your partner to gain deeper insight into the child’s experiences and emotions.

Fostering Relationships:

Building relationships in a blended family is a process that requires patience and time.
Start with simple, enjoyable activities that allow children to adapt at their own pace.
The biological parent plays a vital role in fostering a secure and cohesive family environment.

Showing Respect:

Always show respect for the child’s other biological parent, particularly in the child’s presence.
Understand that children might see the arrival of a new stepparent as a loss, so it’s important to avoid any negative comments or criticism.

Approaching Discipline:

In the beginning, let the biological parent take the lead on discipline.
Focus on establishing a caring, trusting relationship with your stepchild before stepping into any disciplinary role.
Regularly communicate with your partner about parenting styles to ensure consistency and mutual understanding.

Managing Emotional Reactions:

Avoid taking your stepchild’s reactions personally as a step parent.
Recognise that their responses may be rooted in deeper emotions, and work on building trust gradually over time.
Keep open lines of communication with your partner to discuss any feelings or insecurities that may arise.

Finding Joy in Step Parenting:

Despite the obstacles, being a stepparent can be deeply rewarding.
Treasure the opportunity to form unique and loving bonds with your step children.
Focus on becoming a positive influence and building meaningful, lasting relationships.

Blending a family is a complex journey that involves navigating the challenges of co-parenting and step parenting, which can sometimes strain second marriages. With patience, time, and realistic expectations, it is possible to build a harmonious and fulfilling family life. Key strategies include maintaining regular communication with the biological parent, being intentional in your role, and carefully managing discipline. Family therapy can also provide essential support during challenging times.

Through perseverance, resilience, and commitment, a joyful and connected blended family life is achievable, where deep and meaningful relationships can thrive.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on Instagram, Facebook , and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Understanding Divorce Grief: 6 Key Insights

Published on May 27, 2024May 23, 2024

Can divorce be as tough as a death loss?

During my studies in thanatology, the subject of grief and loss, I encountered differing viewpoints on whether divorce can be as tough as a death loss for some people. As a certified thanatologist who has worked extensively with individuals facing both divorce and death loss, I avoid judging which of these emotional journeys is harder, as each holds its unique challenges and emotional impact. What I have come to recognise over time is that both experiences share definite similarities as life’s most significant stressors, particularly within the realm of grief. My practical experience in the grief field, having worked closely with individuals navigating through divorce and coping with death loss, enables me to empathise and connect deeply with the complexities of the divorce experience as well as the deep pain of a death loss. In both, there is the profound sense of loss, emotional upheaval, and the journey of healing that individuals may encounter, which in both cases is a unique and personal experience.

Divorce is a deeply emotional journey that can manifest in many ways

For some, the experience resembles a slow decline, similar to dealing with a lingering chronic illness that eventually reaches its end after years of struggle by one or both parties. On the other hand, some face the abrupt collapse of an unexpected divorce, leaving them bewildered by the sudden loss of what they ‘thought’ was a stable relationship, or even if they had an idea the marriage was not in great shape they had not thought their partner wanted a divorce. These diverse paths of divorce highlight the complexities of human relationships and the range of emotions individuals may encounter when navigating through the challenging process of untangling their lives from a once-shared bond. Understanding the profound impact of divorce on individuals and families is crucial, as it shapes the way we approach support, and have empathy for those going through this life-altering experience.

In divorce, the experience of grief varies for each individual

It is the death of a relationship, yet both parties continue living on. In the realm of grief, this is termed ‘ambiguous loss,’ denoting the person’s physical presence but lack of psychological or emotional connection. It can be challenging to process, as the person remains in your life but in a different role, often limited to co-parenting communication. This situation can be especially difficult for some divorcing couples who once relied on each other but now have minimal contact. Some may feel relief, while others may feel profound pain and difficulty. Both the initiators and the ones that were left do generally grieve, just at different times in the marriage and divorce process.

Divorce encompasses multiple losses

It is necessary to reorganise boundaries and establish new ways of communication with the former partner to name a few. These profound changes and layers of loss often go unnoticed or underestimated, making the process complex and delicate to navigate. Most divorcing people have to go through a lot on their own without much support. In the aftermath of a divorce, it’s crucial to acknowledge and understand the grief that accompanies this significant life change. Each person copes differently and may require support to process emotions and adapt to new circumstances. Practicing self-compassion and patience with oneself and your children during this challenging time can facilitate healing and growth as both individuals move forward with their lives apart from each other.

Another critical aspect of grieving during divorce is recognising that you are indeed grieving.

Many people have come to me, unsure if what they’re feeling qualifies as grief. They may be experiencing anger, not realising that anger can be a form of grief too. It can stem from feelings of loss of control over your life and the drastic changes happening. Grief can manifest in different ways.

Grief has physical, cultural, social, emotional, physiological, and behavioural aspects

Some symptoms can be digestive issues, sleep disturbances, weakened immune system, deep sadness, moments of relief, headaches, changes in behaviour, feelings of isolation, and even jealousy towards seemingly happy married couples. Understanding these various manifestations can help you identify and address your grief more effectively.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on Instagram, Facebook , and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

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