how to deal with divorce

Calling Yourself “Divorced”

Published on September 4, 2026September 2, 2026

Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Unless you’ve always been with your secondary school sweetheart, there was probably a time when you thought of yourself as “single.” Then you were “engaged,” then “married.” If you’re headed toward divorce, your marital status will need yet another label. At some point, you’ll take a deep breath and say: “divorced.”

Whereas engagement and marriage were happy updates, divorce usually has negative feelings swirling around it, which makes people reluctant to admit that their status has changed.

However, it’s important to be honest about your marital status, especially when you’re introducing yourself to a potential new match. A Custody X Change study of recently divorced Americans found that most people wait until their divorce is finalised to start seeing someone new. You don’t ever have to start dating again, of course, but most divorced people do, whether they make an effort to meet someone new or a relationship sparks unexpectedly.

In situations like this, using the right label can be helpful. Calling yourself “divorced” quickly communicates your marital status to others so you start new relationships on solid footing. It also helps you to face facts and move forward.

Acknowledging Negative Feelings About Getting Divorced

You may be dwelling on the question of who’s responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Maybe you sought the divorce or agreed to it, and in that sense, you “wanted” the divorce. Or maybe you resisted the divorce: your spouse asked for it, and you’ve never had much choice about it. Either way, divorce wasn’t part of your original plan when you first got married, which can make it tough to accept what’s happening.

It’s common to have multiple negative feelings about divorcing. You may feel:

Disappointed in your spouse for having betrayed you or neglected to support you.
Inadequate for having failed your spouse in some way.
Exhausted because marriage was harder than you expected.
Overwhelmed by a toxic or abusive dynamic.
Confused because you’re still in love with your spouse.
Embarrassed in front of your friends who came to your wedding, showed goodwill and spent happy times with you as a couple.
Ashamed in front of your parents or religious leaders who expected or encouraged you to stay married.
Frustrated because you didn’t have the happy marriage you believed you had worked for or deserved.
Fearful that this divorce will make you seem less desirable to future partners.

If you attach negative feelings to the idea of divorce, it’ll feel harder to call yourself “divorced.”

Feelings can be helpful indicators — even the negative ones. It’s good to notice what your ex may be feeling and to process your own feelings. Eventually, though, you may benefit from taking a more neutral view of divorce.

Uncertainty can also affect how you describe your marital status. If you’re factually unsure whether your marriage is ending or you’re not yet ready to admit it, you may avoid saying you’re “getting divorced” because you believe that’s inaccurate. You may generally avoid the topic to stop others from making false assumptions about which spouse hurt the other or which spouse walked away from the marriage. It’s understandable that you don’t want to spread falsehoods or have to deal with others’ misrepresentations of you.

If you’re a parent, though, you’ll need a way to explain the changes to your children. Ultimately you’ll have to explain it to yourself too.

When you’re ready, telling people you’re divorced is a way to speak the truth and to take control of your own narrative.

Call Yourself “Divorced” When You’re Ready

At some point in the not-too-distant future, you’ll have to communicate your marital status. You may simply be making casual conversation with neighbors or filling out a form at the doctor’s office. You’ll want to speak truthfully and also feel emotionally prepared with language that makes sense for you.

Sometimes people who are winding down a marriage want to be precise about their living arrangement or their marital status. They may call themselves “separated” while they’re still legally married but living apart from their spouse, then call themselves “divorced” only after a court finalises the end of their marriage. They may specify that they’ve gotten a financial clean break from their spouse (if they’re speaking with an estate agent or letting agent, for example).

Some people sum up by giving the relationship status “it’s complicated.” That’s fine if you don’t mind people knowing you’re going through some changes. Expect that it will provoke curiosity.

You may simply call yourself “single” to say that you don’t currently have a romantic partner. Your spouse has been an important part of your life, and you may be surprised that it isn’t always necessary to specify that you used to be married. Your ex-spouse is no longer around, so why mention them at all? “Single” can be an appropriate word choice. It implies you’re free of romantic commitments and open to a new relationship. Many people consider themselves single before their divorces are legally finalised, so pay attention to what other people mean by this word and what they believe you mean by it, so no one feels misled.

Words have power, and there’s a lot of weight in the word “divorce.” You may have an emotional moment when you call yourself “divorced” for the first time. Though it can be sad, it’s an opportunity for truthfulness, self-acceptance and the personal growth that follows.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

Moving On

Healing After Divorce or Separation: Practical Steps to Rebuild, Recover and Move Forward

Published on August 31, 2026August 18, 2026

Sanjay Solanki
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor
Woolley & Co Solicitors

Divorce and separation is often described as that feeling of having the ground shifted from right beneath your feet.

The emotional impact of a relationship ending can be profound. Those feelings of grief, anger, guilt and anxiety often get entangled making it difficult to process emotions.

In this article, I am going to explore what practical steps to consider to protect your own wellbeing when faced with raw emotions following a separation.

There is no quick fix or one-size-fits-all solution to recovering from a divorce.

When a relationship ends, it is more than just losing a partner. For the individual, they have to juggle, picking up the pieces and carrying on with what life has to throw. Meanwhile, the individual needs to find time to deal with the uncertainty of what comes next.

After a separation, the family dynamics change, and you lose a sense of identity. A big concern is personal finances and affordability around financial obligations.

It is not uncommon to experience:

Loneliness and social isolation.
Reduced self-esteem and confidence.
Stress associated with making arrangements regarding the finances and parenting.

Healing is rarely a straight line. You may find some days are better than others. One day you may feel positive and hopeful, the other, you may experience feelings of overwhelm and confusion.

Practical strategies for healing and moving forward

1. Do not ignore your emotions

It is natural to feel:

Disappointment
Loss
Anger
Fear
Sadness
Grief

Give yourself time. Healing takes time and as part of your journey it is important to acknowledge your emotions and not suppress them.

It can help to:

Keep a journal of how you are feeling.
Consider an activity, hobbie or exercise that you enjoy and will help you to feel calm and relaxed. For some individuals, they may consider swimming, meditation, yoga or walking.

2. Do not forget who you are

It is important you focus on your needs, concerns and priorities and remember your routine.

It is ok to make time for:

Your mental and physical wellbeing.
Your own personal finances.
Your responsibilities as a parent.
Your personal development.

It is important to take small steps to avoid becoming stressed and overwhelmed

3. Reflect on where you are and where you want to be

This is your opportunity to give yourself time and space and rediscover. A separation often forces people to let go of plans they once held. Ask yourself:

What do I want my life to look like in one year?
What goals have I put on hold?
What brings me fulfilment and purpose?

You should not feel guilty about this. It is ok to give yourself permission to explore. Any interest you have or, any commitment you show, can help you to build emotional resilience. It may help to keep a list.

4. Stand tall

You should not feel bad or guilty for putting yourself first. It matters that you make time to:

Go for a walk.
Practice mindfulness.
Read a book.
Spend time outdoors.

Looking after yourself has health benefits and it can help to reduce stress and improve your emotional and mental wellbeing.

5. Be kind to yourself

Healing takes time. It is important that you avoid comparing your journey to others. Equally, it is important you do not judge yourself for things that have not gone as planned.

Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer to someone else facing similar circumstances.

6. Create a support network

Strong emotions can cloud judgement and so it is important not to make major decisions. You do not have to deal with everything alone. You deserve support and this can come in many forms, including:

Family and friends.
Professional counselling and therapy.
Support groups.
Legal professionals.
Financial professionals.

Seek professional advice when required to discuss important decisions.

Supporting your children

If children are involved, they may be experiencing uncertainty, sadness and confusion. Children often cope better when both parents:

Reassure children that they are loved.
Avoid conflict in front of them.
Maintain consistency where possible.
Encourage them to express their feelings.

It helps if parents have open and age-appropriate communication.

Life after

Divorce and separation can be among life’s most challenging experiences, but it does not have to define your future.

There is no right time frame for healing. With the right support, practical coping strategies and patience, it is possible to find strength, be more self-aware and resilient than before. Healing is not about forgetting the past. It is about learning from it, accepting it and creating space for new opportunities, healthier relationships and renewed happiness.

About Sanjay Solanki

Sanjay Solanki is a family solicitor with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. Based in Solihull, he advises clients on all aspects of family law, including divorce, financial settlements and arrangements for children. Sanjay is a trained family mediator and is committed to helping clients resolve disputes in a constructive and practical way wherever possible. With experience gained at several respected regional law firms, he is known for his calm, supportive approach and for helping clients navigate complex and emotionally challenging situations with clarity and confidence. Sanjay specialises in divorce, financial remedy matters involving property, pensions and business interests, and children disputes, providing clear, pragmatic advice tailored to each client’s circumstances.

Coping with Divorce/Moving On/Well-being/Your Emotions

Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery

Published on August 14, 2026August 10, 2026

Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Humans are attachment making animals, we form loving bonds with each other that have deep consequences for us. They shape us literally at the biological level. The hormones involved in feelings of love and happiness with each other encourage myelination in the brains, whereby physical structures are formed in the brain. We use the term ‘personality’ as a shorthand for the sum total of these interactions. When a baby is born these loving interactions form the basis of brain health and personality health. Neglected babies have literal holes in the frontal lobes where brain matter is lost. Without this frontal lobe development, the capacity to think, regulate etc are severely compromised. This process is lifelong and crucially our attachments form the basis of our ability to regulate, think, operate in the complex social web of life. The longer we have had a relationship the deeper the impact is on personality and functioning. Although this is about loving relationships myelination also happens with stress-fear based relationships and what follows about loss is equally true.

Loss in this view then, is loss of self as represented in the real, social world. It is the loss of the ongoing capacity to regulate, make sense and meaning of reality, to frame experience in a way that makes it safe (predictable, as in better the devil you know in stress based intimate relationships.) This loss of meaning is frightening and we can’t turn to the person we have lost to help us regulate that fear. For these reasons we can feel the loss of a partner in divorce for example in a complex and confusing manner, particularly if we wanted the divorce, because why would we grieve ending a relationship we didn’t want anymore?

Understanding that loss and grief is our brain and personality trying to heal from a type of injury can help us make sense of this. The brain, our personality or self is primarily a social or environmental phenomena from this view. Loss is an injury to its wellbeing, to its health. So, we need to focus on that in healing that injury.

Loss of a partner to divorce is no different to any other loss and the social framing of it shouldn’t get in the way of the deeper level of understanding. So what helps?

Develop meaning in the world again. Much spiritual and or religious practice is based on meaning making so you may find comfort in that. If you are secular, think of helping others. As social animals any activity we engage with that helps the ‘herd’ helps us. There is always someone worse of then oneself and helping them will A) help them and make the world a better place and B) help us to get a sense of perspective and feel connected to something other than our own suffering
Increase contact with loving network and fill that hole in the brain with others to help us regulate
Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Temporary relief from these chemicals which can and do hijack neurological pathways is too dangerous at times of distress. Emotional distress is a sign you need a hug not a glass of wine
You have had a major injury, what would you do with any recovery from a major injury? Correct: rest, slow down, seek help, eat well, hydrate, sleep, show compassion to yourself
Normalise your reactions. There is nothing wrong because you are healing from a psychological injury. It is to be expected. Not being able to feel loss and grief (the signs you are healing) would be more worrying. It’s okay to not be okay

It’s worth reflecting upon the healing impact of nature during times of loss. Its impact is so strong that it’s worth developing it as a unique strand of your recovery. Nature has an impact on our brains similar to mindful meditation, which is well researched to help our bodies and brains heal. Nature increases our sense of connection to each other and our feeling of wellbeing. Nature in this context does not mean out in the wilds, it can be that, but equally can be your local park or indeed a bit of gardening. It is well researched for example that putting a park in an urban area reduces violent crime in that area by up to 20%. This is due to the sense of connection and wellbeing fostered. Therapeutic horticulture (gardening) is also well researched in psychological recovery. The impact of nature is so strong that simply taking time to pass attention to a tree at your bus stop on the way to work will produce a noticeable effect. So go hug a tree and say thanks!

Finally, it’s always a good idea to check in with a mental health professional or your GP if you are worried about how you are coping. If you have a history of psychological distress, you may well need extra help such as anti-depressants. Mostly you will be met with empathy and emotional support from the professionals who can reassure you nothing is wrong, but you never know, so it’s always good to check.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

Moving On

Who Are You After Divorce?

Published on August 10, 2026August 4, 2026

Sarah-Jayne Covell
Integrative Psychotherapist & Founder Anchoring Therapy

Understanding the Loss of Identity After Separation

When people talk about divorce, they usually talk about the obvious things.

The legal process. The finances. The family home. The children. The practicalities of untangling a life that has become deeply intertwined with someone else’s.

Those things are undeniably difficult, but after many years of working with people experiencing relationship breakdown, I’ve become increasingly aware that one of the hardest parts of divorce often receives very little attention.

It’s the moment someone quietly asks, “I don’t actually know who I am anymore.”

It rarely comes in the first few weeks. In those early days, there is usually too much to do. Solicitors need replying to, forms need completing, children need reassuring, friends want updates, and life somehow keeps moving even when you feel as though you’ve been knocked sideways.

It often arrives later, sometimes months later. The paperwork has been signed, routines have started to settle and, for the first time, there is enough silence to notice something feels different.

Not just around you, but within you.

More Than the End of a Relationship

For many people, divorce isn’t simply the end of a marriage. It’s the end of a version of themselves.

We rarely notice how much of our identity becomes wrapped up in being part of a couple until that identity changes.

We stop saying “I” and naturally begin saying “we”. Decisions are shared. Weekends develop familiar routines. Friends know us together. Family celebrations revolve around the same traditions year after year. Without really noticing, our relationship just becomes part of the way we understand ourselves.

Then, almost overnight, those reference points disappear.

One client described standing in the supermarket looking at a ready meal and realising she had absolutely no idea what she liked to eat anymore. It wasn’t really about the food. For years she had shopped for two people, always considering someone else’s preferences alongside her own. Faced with a simple choice, she suddenly realised she had forgotten to ask herself what she wanted.

It sounds like such a small moment; in reality, it wasn’t small at all. It was one of the first signs that she was beginning to meet herself again.

When the Legal Process Ends

One of the things I often explain to clients is that the legal end of a marriage and the emotional end of a marriage rarely happen at the same time.

A decree absolute, a financial settlement or signed paperwork may bring certainty, but they don’t automatically answer the questions that continue afterwards.

Who am I if I’m no longer someone’s husband or wife? What happens to the plans we made? What do I do with the parts of myself that seem to have disappeared somewhere along the way?

These aren’t signs that someone is struggling to “move on”. In fact, feeling lost or unsure of yourself after a divorce is completely normal, and it’s something that many people experience. These emotions are a natural response to a significant life transition. Recognising that others share these feelings can be reassuring and is an important step in being gentle with yourself as you navigate this new chapter.

Our closest relationships help shape how we see ourselves. When those relationships change, it’s hardly surprising that our sense of identity needs time to adjust as well.

Becoming, Rather Than Returning

One question often sits quietly beneath many conversations I have with clients. “How do I get back to who I used to be?

I don’t think that’s the most helpful question. The person you were at twenty-five, thirty-five or fifty existed because of every experience you’d had up until that point, including the relationship that has now ended.

Perhaps the more interesting question is, “Who am I becoming now?”

That doesn’t mean pretending divorce is a positive experience or suggesting everything happens for a reason. Most people would never have chosen this path.

But alongside the grief, many people slowly rediscover parts of themselves that had become almost invisible.

They take up hobbies they hadn’t thought about for years. Another client, who decided to try pottery after seeing a local class advertised. At first, she admitted she felt awkward and out of place, but soon realised how much she enjoyed working with her hands and letting herself learn something completely new. For her, every bowl she shaped was a quiet reminder that she could create something for herself, by herself. Others make decisions without second-guessing themselves. They discover they enjoy their own company. They begin to imagine a future that isn’t simply a replacement for the one they lost, but something entirely new.

That doesn’t happen in one defining moment; it’s usually much quieter than that. It happens in ordinary moments that gradually begin to feel like your own again.

That may be why identity after divorce isn’t really about finding yourself. It’s about noticing that, little by little, you’re becoming someone you haven’t met before.

If you are on this path right now, remember that even on the hardest days, growth is possible. Take things one step at a time and allow yourself patience. Support is available, and reaching out to others can make a real difference. In time, new possibilities may emerge, and you may be surprised by the strength and hope you discover within yourself.

Read more articles by Sarah-Jane Covell.

About Sarah-Jane Covell

Sarah-Jane Covell is an integrative psychotherapist based in North Yorkshire. She works with individuals and couples navigating life transitions, relationships and divorce. She is the author of When We Becomes Me: A Psychotherapist’s Guide to the Beginning, the Messy Middle, and the Other Side of Divorce. Feature: The Daily Wellness “Quiet Rebuilding Work,” “When We Becomes Me.” Counselling Directory: “Divorce and the loss of identity,” “How music can help us process difficult emotions.” The Daily Wellness: “Who are you after divorce.”

Discover her Instagram page.

Moving On

Divorce Doesn’t End a Marriage. It Ends a Chapter.

Published on August 3, 2026July 31, 2026

Susan Harwood
Chartered Legal Executive Litigator
Woolley & Co Solicitors

When people first contact a family lawyer, they often think they are coming for legal advice.

In reality, they are usually bringing far more than that.

Behind every discussion about finances, children or property is a person trying to make sense of one of the biggest transitions of their life. Some arrive angry, some frightened, some relieved. Many feel all three emotions within the same conversation.

After many years working in family law, I’ve learned that whilst the legal process is important, it is rarely the hardest part. The emotional journey often presents the greatest challenge.

Divorce is a loss, even when it’s the right decision

People often feel guilty for grieving a relationship they chose to leave.

But divorce represents the loss of far more than a marriage. It can mean the loss of certainty, shared dreams, family traditions, financial security, identity and the future you once imagined.

Grief is therefore a perfectly normal response.

Like any form of grief, it rarely follows a straight line. Some days bring optimism and relief; others bring sadness, anger or fear. Experiencing these emotions does not mean you are moving backwards, it simply means you are healing.

You don’t have to be at your best

Clients frequently apologise for crying during our initial consultation.

They tell me they “should be coping better” or that they feel embarrassed for becoming emotional.

The truth is that divorce places people under enormous psychological pressure. Alongside practical decisions, they may also be experiencing poor sleep, heightened anxiety, financial uncertainty and concern for their children.

No one makes their best decisions whilst living in a constant state of stress.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself during divorce is permission not to have everything figured out immediately.

Strong decisions come from calm minds

As lawyers, we often encourage clients not to make important decisions whilst emotions are running high.
This is not because feelings are unimportant. Quite the opposite.

When emotions are acknowledged rather than ignored, people are generally better able to think clearly, negotiate constructively and focus on long-term solutions rather than short-term reactions.

Sometimes the most productive thing a client can do isn’t send another email to their solicitor.

Sometimes it’s taking a walk, speaking with a trusted friend, seeing a counsellor, or simply sleeping on a difficult decision before responding.

Those small pauses can prevent costly conflict and help everyone move forward more constructively.

Children don’t need perfect parents

One of the greatest worries parents express is, “How do I stop this affecting my children?”

While every family is different, research consistently tells us that children cope best when they feel safe, loved and protected from adult conflict.

Parents cannot remove every sadness from a child’s experience.

What they can do is offer consistency, reassurance and permission for children to express their feelings without feeling caught between two people they love.

Children are remarkably resilient when they know that both parents continue to put their needs first.

Your relationship has ended. Your value has not.

Divorce has a way of making people question who they are.

People who have spent decades as someone’s husband or wife can suddenly wonder where they belong.

It is easy to confuse the end of a relationship with personal failure.

They are not the same thing.

Relationships end for countless reasons. The ending of a marriage says very little about your worth as a person.

In fact, many people later describe divorce not simply as an ending, but as the beginning of rediscovering themselves.

They reconnect with old friendships, find new interests, improve their health, pursue careers they had postponed or simply learn to enjoy their own company again.

While few people would choose divorce, many eventually recognise that they became stronger, more confident and more authentic because of what they learned through it.

Be kind to yourself

If you are currently navigating divorce, remember this:

You are not expected to have all the answers today.
You do not need to rush your healing.
Accept support where it is offered.
Surround yourself with people who help you feel calmer, not more conflicted.
Focus on the decisions that will still feel right in five years’ time, rather than the emotions that feel overwhelming today.
Above all, remember that divorce is one chapter of your life, not the whole story.

I’ve sat on both sides of the desk

Although I write as a family lawyer, I also write from personal experience.

I have been married twice, divorced twice and have raised my children largely as a single parent and gained my legal qualification as a mature student. Like many of my clients, I have experienced the uncertainty, financial pressures, self-doubt and emotional upheaval that separation can bring. I know what it feels like to question whether life will ever feel settled again, and I also know that, with time, it can.

That lived experience has profoundly shaped the way I practise. I understand that when a client sits opposite me, they are rarely looking solely for legal advice. They are often carrying grief, fear for their children’s future, anxiety about finances and uncertainty about what comes next. Whilst my role is to provide clear legal guidance, I never lose sight of the fact that behind every case is a person trying to rebuild their life.

Perhaps that is why I believe that family law is, at its heart, about people rather than paperwork. The legal process matters enormously, but how clients are supported through that process can make just as much difference to the way they emerge on the other side.

With time, support and compassion, it is entirely possible to build a future that feels peaceful, hopeful and fulfilling once again.

About Susan Harwood

Susan Harwood is a chartered legal executive litigator with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. Based in Helston, Cornwall, she advises clients across the South West, London and internationally on all aspects of family law. With more than 20 years’ experience in family law, Susan specialises in divorce, financial settlements and children matters, with particular expertise in resolving the financial aspects of relationship breakdown. She is especially well known for advising Armed Forces personnel and expatriate clients, and is recognised for her practical, empathetic approach and commitment to resolving disputes constructively wherever possible.

Coping with Divorce

When Everything Looks Right – But a Woman Is Quietly Disappearing

Published on February 9, 2026February 6, 2026

Isabelle Ulenaers
Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Women’s Reinvention Expert

From the outside, her life looks solid.

A stable marriage. A reliable partner. Children who are thriving. A career she’s worked hard to build. A life that, by most measures, should feel fulfilling.

And yet, internally, something has been eroding for a long time.

Not suddenly. Not dramatically. Quietly.

This is the experience many women struggle to name when they begin questioning their marriage. There is no obvious crisis. No betrayal to point to. He is actually a good guy. No single event that explains the depth of their exhaustion. And because of that, doubt often follows close behind.

“If nothing is wrong, why do I feel so empty?” “Am I being ungrateful?” “Is this just what long-term relationships feel like?”

As a psychologist who has worked with women navigating divorce for over two decades, I’ve seen this pattern repeatedly. It is one of the least talked about, yet most emotionally complex, pathways into separation.

The invisible cost of “making it work.”

Many of the women I work with are capable, conscientious, and deeply invested. They care about their families. They take responsibility. They adapt. They communicate. They hold everything together.

Over time, this way of living creates a subtle shift. The woman becomes very good at doing, managing, and caretaking. Less practiced at noticing what she feels. Less certain of what she needs. Less connected to her inner voice.

This is not a failure of commitment. It is often the result of long-term self-adjustment.

When a woman consistently places herself last in order to preserve harmony or stability, something essential is slowly abandoned. Not the relationship, but herself.

Why leaving feels harder when there’s no clear reason

When a partner is fundamentally decent, leaving can feel morally confusing. Friends may be supportive but quietly puzzled. Family members may encourage gratitude. Society still tends to ask women to justify why “good enough” isn’t enough.

This is where many women become stuck. Not because they don’t sense something needs to change, but because they don’t feel permitted to trust that knowing.

They may stay longer than feels healthy, waiting for clarity to arrive in a form that feels legitimate. Meanwhile, numbness grows. Emotional fatigue sets in. Resentment or disconnection follows, often unintentionally.

Ironically, staying can create the very distance they were trying to avoid.

Divorce as an internal decision before an external one

In these cases, the decision to leave is rarely impulsive. It is usually preceded by years of reflection, attempts at communication, therapy, compromise, and self-questioning.

Long before papers are filed, an internal reckoning has already taken place.

The woman begins to realise that the cost of staying is the gradual erosion of her sense of self. That continuing requires a level of self-silencing she can no longer sustain. That the life she is living may be respectable, but no longer true.

This moment is rarely dramatic. It is often quiet, heavy, and deeply private.

And it has very little to do with the partner being “bad.”

Reframing divorce without blame

One of the most helpful shifts for women navigating this kind of separation is moving away from narratives of fault and toward narratives of truth.

Divorce does not always mean someone failed. Sometimes it means something honest has finally been acknowledged.

This reframing can ease guilt and reduce the need to over-explain. Not “I’m leaving because you weren’t enough,” but “I’m leaving because I stopped being myself.”

This distinction matters. Psychologically and emotionally.

When women understand their decision as a movement toward themselves rather than away from someone else, recovery tends to be steadier and less conflicted.

From numbness to return

After leaving, many women are surprised by what comes next.

There may be relief, alongside grief. Freedom paired with disorientation. Confidence in the decision, mixed with moments of doubt.

This is normal. While divorce changes the external structure of life, it does not instantly restore a woman’s relationship with herself. That reconnection takes time.

Rebuilding is not about immediately knowing who you are. It’s about slowly reconnecting with what feels true again. Learning to take up space emotionally. Practising self-trust in small, everyday choices. Letting go of the habit of self-override.

For women who have spent years prioritising others, this can feel unfamiliar at first. But it is also deeply restorative.

Moving forward with integrity

Divorce without drama is not a lesser story. It is often a braver one.

It requires a woman to listen inward without external validation. To accept that clarity doesn’t always come with a headline-worthy reason. To trust that her inner life matters, even when it’s difficult to explain.

More women are reaching this point today than ever before. And they deserve language that reflects their experience with dignity and depth.

Not as a failure. Not as selfishness. But as a return.

About Isabelle Ulenaers

Isabelle Ulenaers is a Specialist in divorce-related identity transformation. Her work focuses on helping women rebuild self-trust, clarity, and emotional stability when life looks “right” on the outside but no longer feels true on the inside.

Visit her website

Follow Isabelle on Instagram

Coping with Divorce

The Emotional Reality of Self-Representation: Why Good Parents Freeze in Court

Published on January 13, 2026June 30, 2026

Gergely Fried
McKenzie Friend and Founder of Everyman Justice

The Pressure of Getting It “Right”

For parents without legal representation, every letter and every hearing can feel decisive. There is often a belief that one wrong word, missed deadline, or poorly phrased response could permanently damage their relationship with their child.

That pressure creates constant vigilance. Parents reread emails repeatedly, second-guess their wording, and worry about how they will be perceived by professionals they may never meet face-to-face. Over time, this can lead to paralysis rather than clarity.

Some parents delay responding because they fear making a mistake. Others send long, emotionally charged messages because they feel an urgent need to be understood. Both responses are human reactions to fear, not signs of indifference or poor parenting.

When Emotion Collides With Structure

The family court process is structured, procedural, and often impersonal. Emotional experiences, however, are not. Parents are expected to communicate calmly and concisely even when discussing fear, loss, or uncertainty about their child’s future.

This mismatch can be deeply unsettling. Parents may worry that expressing distress will make them appear unstable, while restraining emotion may feel like minimising what truly matters. The result is often an internal conflict between honesty and self-protection.

When parents feel they must choose between being understood and being composed, it is unsurprising that some become hesitant or withdrawn at key moments.

The Myth of “The Court Will Just See the Truth”

Many self-represented parents enter proceedings believing that if they are truthful and reasonable, the system will naturally recognise this. While honesty and cooperation matter, family court decisions are not based on moral certainty.

They are made on how information is presented, assessed, and weighed often through written evidence and professional reports. Parents unfamiliar with this process may assume that the strength of their feelings will translate directly into the strength of their case.

When this does not happen, parents can feel confused or disillusioned. That emotional response may then shape future communication, sometimes leading to withdrawal or heightened frustration.

Fear, Shame, and the Loss of Confidence

Self-representation can also trigger feelings of shame or inadequacy. Some parents worry that representing themselves reflects poorly on them, or that professionals will assume they are less capable because they do not have a solicitor.

These concerns are rarely voiced, but they influence behaviour. Parents may avoid asking questions, hesitate to seek clarification, or agree to things they do not fully understand. In trying to appear cooperative, they may unintentionally sideline their own perspective.

Confidence, once shaken, is difficult to regain in an environment that already feels intimidating.

Finding Small Anchors During Uncertainty

While there is no simple solution to this pressure, some parents seem better able to stay grounded than others. What often helps is not legal expertise, but small forms of emotional structure having one trusted person to talk things through with, writing thoughts down privately before responding, or giving themselves permission to pause rather than react immediately.

These are not strategies for “winning” a case. They are ways of reducing emotional overload so parents can engage more clearly with a process that already demands a great deal from them. Even keeping a simple decision log “Today I received X, I responded with Y” can provide reassurance later that progress is being made, especially during periods when everything feels stalled or uncertain.

The Impact on Parenting During Proceedings

The emotional strain of self-representation does not end at the courtroom door. Parents often carry that stress home, where it can affect sleep, patience, and emotional availability.

Children may notice changes even when parents try to protect them. Increased anxiety, irritability, or withdrawal can be signs of a parent under sustained pressure. This does not indicate failure it reflects the weight of navigating uncertainty alone.

When parents feel overwhelmed, maintaining emotional stability becomes harder, not because they care less, but because they are carrying too much.

Why Emotional Understanding Matters

Recognising the emotional reality of self-representation does not mean lowering expectations or avoiding accountability. It means acknowledging that clarity and confidence are shaped as much by emotional safety as by procedural knowledge.

When parents feel steadier, they communicate more clearly, make fewer reactive decisions, and are better able to focus on their child’s needs rather than their own fear. Even small reductions in anxiety can have a meaningful impact on how parents experience the process and how effectively they participate in it.

What This Means for Parents

Freezing under pressure is not a personal failing. It is often a sign that something deeply important is at stake and that the person involved does not feel safe enough to make a mistake.

Self-represented parents are rarely trying to challenge the system. Most are trying to protect their children while navigating unfamiliar terrain with limited support.

Understanding this emotional reality does not change the law, but it can change how parents experience it. And when parents feel more supported and less afraid of getting things wrong, children are more likely to experience stability during a time of uncertainty.

This article is intended for general information and emotional support only and does not constitute legal advice.

About Gergely Fried

Gergely Fried is a McKenzie Friend, author, and the founder of Everyman Justice. With a background in education and business, and personal experience of child arrangements proceedings, he supports parents navigating the UK family court system with calm, practical guidance and emotional insight. His work focuses on clarity, emotional understanding, and reducing unnecessary conflict, always with the child’s wellbeing at the centre.

His book, Conflict by Design, guides parents step by step through child arrangements proceedings using a realistic case narrative, explaining what to expect in clear, accessible language rather than legal or academic jargon.

Everyman Justice: https://everymanjustice.co.uk/
Support & Help: https://everymanjustice.co.uk/support-and-help/

Coping with Divorce/Divorce Law UK/Moving On

Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?

Published on October 13, 2025October 10, 2025

James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

Let’s not sugar coat it, this question “what do I do now?” (at the moment you know you will separate) is the single most important question you will answer in this whole chapter of your life. There will be a lot of other questions that you will be coming to, but get this one right and you should be able to avoid the unreasonable positioning and exhausting demands of a slow process that will cost eye-watering amounts, to achieve to your best possible outcome.

Here are my ten top tips from helping clients through this part of their lives for the past forty-something years.

1. Ensure you are safe

Ensure your safety and the safety of your children. If there is a risk to this then it will dictate how you address the rest of these tips.

Safety at the end of a relationship is a whole topic on its own and planning for it will depend on your situation. In controlling relationships, it is likely that a whole range of strategies will have been put in place around you by your prospective ex, with the intention of making it impossible for you to go. The single most important thing is to reach the realisation that yes you are going to leave – it is then about getting the support to manage your way out of the maze. If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit. Everything follows from this.

2. Manage your emergencies

In the same way, some separations have emergencies – personal safety is the most important. Others can include:

jurisdictional races (where one of you could start proceedings in a different country, you may need to act quickly to ensure your divorce takes place where your needs and those of the children will be met favourably)
a child being taken abroad to separate them from you (child abduction)
information or assets being hidden or disposed of
your being isolated from funds.

Some of these you can address in part – or at least make easier – but many of them are going to require immediate professional help, probably from a solicitor.

The rest of the “to-dos” are subject to emergencies – sometimes you won’t have time to plan your best path, you will feel bounced around by circumstance. Just carry on trying your best, accepting where you are and planning from there.

3. Consider couple counselling

If there are no safety concerns, this is a consideration that you should not skate past. I have worked for too many people who have said their ex has come back to them some years down the road saying “I got it wrong – I don’t know what I was thinking- is there a way back for us?”. For me that points to a missed opportunity for some serious conversation around what was not working in the relationship and each person’s capacity for change. Of course, the result may still be that you decide to separate, but talking things through a counsellor is also likely to reassure and make for better progress if you do decide to part.

4. Be kind if you can

So often, perhaps when people come to me midway through, they seem to be in a terrible situation, which they are finding hard to understand. There might be brutality around disclosure or how the finances are being managed for the interim or how arrangements are being set around the children. It is all a bit destructive and aimless, which is a surprise as they’re decent people. So, what went wrong? Well usually it is about how things started.

Actions like deception and adultery matter (see my blog here on this very point) – perhaps not to the professionals who know the courts don’t care, but they really matter to the person being deceived and to their kids when they find out. Brutal and sharp separations are like throwing a huge slab of concrete into a small pond – the splash and ripples are going to play havoc for a while and in unexpected ways. Stepping out slowly and gently with empathy respect and understanding, can help everyone get through to the smart choices more quickly.

5. Start early

It follows that planning and starting early is usually a positive too, you can pace things more calmly. You don’t find yourself suddenly desperate that it all has to be sorted by the weekend. (That “I have just had it up to here” moment). It also means that you are less likely to be bounced into the “well I am leaving you” discussion at the worst of times in the heat of an argument. These things are going to be tough and thinking about how to do it in the best way, in the calm, will pay dividends.

6. Get support

All of that is going to point towards you getting individual support. So many people say “I don’t need that fluffy stuff …” or “we are not getting back together”. But that is not what this is about. It is about understanding where your ex is and what they are going through. It is about helping you to think of this from their side to be able to move things on in the best way possible. It is tough. It is practical. It is also short term and goal-oriented.

Find the right support and you will be challenged to do this well, but also supported to do so. That’s why I recommend that you get professional support – not just support from your mates or family:

This is the other response to my recommendation of professional expertise is “well I am talking to my friends.” The problem with relying solely on friends and family is that:

They care too much and as such, are likely to operate like an echo chamber for you: they want to be supportive and are likely to tell you what they think you want to hear – which is not always what you need to hear
They may bring their own unresolved personal issues to the conversation and that is not helpful
They don’t have the training to help you process everything in a constructive way
Their advice is likely to be on the hoof, quick answers without the depth of consideration that is really needed
You may find yourself managing your choices to keep them satisfied.

Without meaning to cast aspersions on your inner circle, you are also sharing confidences with them which may well be shared with others.

I could go on but in essence, therapists are likely to be the most valuable in monetary terms. Find the right one and use them.

7. Think and write

So you know you are going to need to get some advice and guidance (how else are you going to have the anchor of knowing your rights and obligations – how else would you recognise a good deal?). Lawyers charge by time and will read a well-organised briefing way quicker than they can ask questions and you answer them. Many firms will have an information gatherer on their website. If you want to get the most from your time with a lawyer and keep costs time, you would prepare:

A balance sheet of where you are now:
- who is in the family and who are the relatives and important other people in your lives
- all the dates and details that are going to be needed such as when the relationship started, was formalised and ended
- and yes those financial numbers all pinned down so far as known.
- In addition there will be descriptions of what is going on – what everyone is like; how are your children doing, pictures etc.
An account of how you got here this is likely to take in your families of origin, education, careers, first homes, challenges and so on
And then the quick fire document for a first call: The super brief summary and a clear vision of what you want and what you think are the hurdles to getting there.

Indeed sometimes I think that this last piece of knowing what you are needing is the single most important piece of work that will be in your briefing for the next step.

8. Find the right professional

This can feel like a minefield. There are directories ranking legal professionals, but they may not be your best starting point. What you are likely to want is that skilled professional whom you trust because they get you and their values resonate with yours, simple as that.

When you are researching there will be lots of focus on who does what process and your head can spin with the terms likely to be coming at you: negotiation/ collaborative/ co-operative/ one lawyer/ together/ amicable/ litigation/ mediation/ child inclusion/ hybrid/ integrative, but that shouldn’t be your worry: Your job is to be clear about your needs (those hurdles you identified at stage 7), not the process (which is what the professional brings to accommodate them). It is the professional’s job to show that they have heard you and to explain their recommendation. If you are convinced, you have the start of your plan. If you are not then say so – if you are not heard, you may not be in the right room so think about moving on now.

It is why you might do well to choose a professional who is serious about all the different ways of doing things – it will ensure you are presented with all the options. Many lawyers will only have one qualification, permitting them to negotiate your case with the court as a fall back and the court is the last place most people want to end up. If your lawyer doesn’t know, isn’t familiar with and doesn’t use collaborative, mediation or arbitration then just have in mind that these ways that might suit you better will probably not be on the menu for discussion.

9. Be brave …ish

Sitting down to talk with your ex may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, and of course you shouldn’t compromise safety, but for most people, a professionally assisted conversation with a neutral person (likely to be in mediation – but potentially “one lawyer”) is likely to be the fast route to finding the best solution. Your ex is likely to have a view of what they think the outcome should be and they are going to hang onto it until you can show that you have heard them. It is much harder to do this if your discussion is via letters and emails being fired between lawyers from their respective trenches a seeming “safe” distance away from each other.

The right mediator will help you both to manage a safe and productive conversation even in difficult situations. There would be an assessment and intake process (called “a MIAM”, standing for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) when you can gather an understanding of what mediation would be like and talk through whether it is for you. In fact, you are required in most situations to have this meeting even if you wanted ultimately to go to court and I would encourage you to enter this meeting with an open mind as there is a lot of flexibility in mediation and other processes which may mean they are better for you.

10. Think kids

So obvious you may say it didn’t need saying. Where you have children, they are likely to be the lens through which all of this is viewed, you will consider your children:

when you take steps to start
in how you manage the relationship with your ex (because you are usually going to be co-parenting long term so you will not want to lay waste to how you talk to each other)
in the choices you make (for example the geography of your homes and family-friendly career-choices)
in the timing of any new relationship
in how you work out care and decision making: your children are part of each of you, they need safe arrangements to have a relationship with each of you if possible – and ideally each of you supporting the other to be the best parent you can be.

There is a lot to consider and it is all too easy to delay. But whether this relationship is your future or not is for you to decide and in your heart you will know the answer to that (especially if you have been through tip 3).

If this relationship is not working and can’t be made to work, it is unlikely to be the best example of “adult relationships” for your kids, but beyond this, please don’t become that person I see so regularly who says “now I know about it all, I should have done this a decade ago, it would have been better for everyone.”

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law. He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce. He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.

Children of Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

“They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth

Published on October 3, 2025August 22, 2025

Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried.

As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realise how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I looked like I was fine. Inside, I was just surviving.

In my twenties, my mom gently pointed out that I seemed to overreact to little things. She was right. I felt edgy, overwhelmed, and ashamed of how easily I snapped. I had no idea what was going on with me. Was it my parents’ divorce and conflict? My father’s and stepmother’s toxic behavior toward my mom and me, and their need for control? Had this unstable and neglectful environment affected me so much? Yes, apparently it had.

But here’s the thing: children don’t always show the effects of divorce right away. On the outside, I looked like I was managing. I went to school, had friends, did what I was “supposed” to do. I even made it to university, earned my first degree, and completed a post-grad programme.

That’s what adults often see as resilience in kids during divorce: a child carrying on, coping, adapting. What’s harder to see is the cost of that coping.

My story isn’t unique. Many children of divorce appear to be “fine” while silently carrying pain that surfaces years later. And that’s why I want to pause on the phrase we all hear, and sometimes even say ourselves: “Kids are resilient.”

Therapy and Understanding

Four and a half years of therapy later, I began to understand myself better. I wasn’t just “reactive.” I was having trauma responses. My nervous system had learned to survive chaos, and all the emotions I had stuffed away were finally demanding to be felt.

That’s what unresolved childhood pain and anxiety look like. It doesn’t always surface immediately; it comes out later in our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships.

And yet, through it all, I kept hearing the same refrain: “They’ll be fine. Kids bounce back”.

The truth? Resilience doesn’t mean untouched. It doesn’t mean unaffected. It means that for some children, they survive, but survival can carry invisible scars that take years to heal.

Why We Say It

If you’re a parent going through a separation or divorce, especially a high-conflict one, you’ve probably said it too: “ the kids will be okay,” or you really hope they will be.

It slips out almost automatically, a way to calm the fear of not knowing how deeply this might be affecting your child. We don’t always say it because it’s true. We say it because we need it to be.

And those messages don’t just come from inside us. They echo all around us, through friends, family, teachers, even strangers:

“They’ll adjust.”
“Kids are tough.”
“My cousin’s kids turned out fine.”

Society, too, is uneasy with grief, conflict, and uncertainty. It feels safer to lean on comforting shortcuts than to sit with the reality that children might be struggling. That’s why “Kids are resilient” becomes our shield.

A Psychological Shortcut

When I was studying for my thanatology degree, I learned about Terror Management Theory (TMT), sometimes explained more simply as the Anxiety Buffer Theory. The core idea is this: when painful truths feel unbearable, our minds cling to beliefs that make the world feel less threatening.

Take divorce, for example. Parents often reassure themselves with, “They’ll adjust.” And while it’s true that children can adapt, this belief often functions as a protective shield for the parent. It eases guilt, fear, and shame about the impact divorce may have on their kids. The danger is that it can keep us from seeing what children really need: emotional safety, reassurance, and consistent support.

We do this in other areas of life, too. Imagine hearing that a neighbour has been diagnosed with lung cancer. A common first response is, “Were they a smoker?” If the answer is yes, it reduces our anxiety; we can tell ourselves the illness was linked to a choice, which makes us feel safer. But if the answer is no, the truth feels scarier, because it reminds us that illness can strike anyone, even without warning.

What If They’re Not Fine?

Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, does affect children. It touches:

Their nervous system
Their sense of safety
Their ability to trust
Their beliefs about love and conflict

Not every child shows it right away. Some hold it together because they think that’s their role. But holding it in doesn’t mean they’re okay.

Resilience isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s built through emotional safety, consistency, validation, and supportive relationships.

What Children Need

If you’re navigating divorce, here’s how to support real resilience:

Emotional Safety: Let them feel all their emotions, anger, sadness, relief, without trying to fix them.
Consistency: Keep routines where you can. Predictability is grounding.
Honest Reassurance: Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them they’re loved. Explain what will stay the same.
Permission to Love Both Parents (if safe): Kids should never feel like they have to choose sides.
Therapeutic Support: Even short-term counseling can give children tools and language to process what’s happening.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up, reflect, and let them know it’s safe to be real with you.

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

Parents usually don’t say it to dismiss their kids. They say it to survive their pain. The alternative, that our choices or circumstances might hurt our children, is heavy. But pain doesn’t vanish when we deny it. It resurfaces later, often in ways we don’t expect.

My mom probably didn’t know. It was the 1970s, and back then, people assumed divorce was just between the adults and that kids would simply bounce back. She did her best with what she had, and I hold a lot of compassion for what she went through without much support.

But today, we know better. The effects are real. It’s time to let go of the shortcut phrases, “kids are resilient,” “they’ll bounce back,” as ways to comfort ourselves. Research is clear: resilience isn’t automatic. Children don’t just bounce back from divorce, especially in high-conflict situations. Resilience has to be nurtured through emotional safety, consistency, and support.

The hopeful part? Research also shows that most children can and do turn out well when they have even one supportive parent who shows up consistently and provides a secure base. One safe, steady relationship can be enough to anchor them and foster resilience.

Children deserve more than survival; they deserve healing. Resilience isn’t something they magically possess. It’s something we help them build. And the first step is awareness: not assuming they’ll be fine, but committing to helping them become so.

References

Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 29, 61–139.
https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60016-9
Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227

Disclaimer: This blog reflects my personal experiences and research. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you or your children are struggling during or after divorce, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for support.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Well-being/Your Emotions

World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early

Published on September 10, 2025September 8, 2025

Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

Why Relationship Breakdown Magnifies Suicide Risk

A relationship ending is not a minor life event. It represents the loss of an attachment bond, and that loss can have profound consequences for psychological and physical wellbeing. Many people who function well in other areas of life describe feeling destabilised after separation or divorce. They often report fragmented sleep, inconsistent appetite, and difficulty concentrating. These reactions are not signs of weakness; they are normal physiological responses to the removal of an important source of stability. ¹ ²

Research supports this clinical reality. A large systematic review published in 2025 examined more than 100 million men across 30 countries and identified relationship breakdown as a consistent risk factor for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and deaths. The risk was especially pronounced in separated and divorced men. ³ ⁴ ⁵ ⁶ While this effect is most visible in men, women are by no means immune. The critical point is that the sudden loss of relational security creates vulnerability for anyone. Clinically, we observe a common pattern across genders: periods of agitation or heightened anxiety alternating with detachment or emotional numbness. ¹ ²

Neuroscience provides an explanation. Our nervous system relies on close relationships to regulate stress responses. When a relationship ends, the cues that maintained regulation, shared routines, presence, reassurance, are abruptly removed. ⁷ ⁸ This disorganisation can leave people feeling erratic, disoriented, and unable to manage tasks that previously felt simple. ⁹

How Suicidal Ideation Can Form After A Breakup

There are well-established psychological models that help us to understand the pathway from relational loss to suicidal risk.

The Interpersonal Theory of Suicide describes how risk increases when people experience both a loss of belonging and a sense of burdensomeness, particularly when combined with exposure to pain or a reduced fear of death. After a breakup, it is common for both belonging and self-worth to be undermined simultaneously. ¹⁰

The Integrated Motivational–Volitional (IMV) Model highlights how feelings of defeat and entrapment may give rise to suicidal thoughts, and how factors such as access to means or impulsivity determine whether those thoughts progress to action. ¹¹

Clinical practice also tells us that people struggle with the brain’s intolerance of uncertainty. After separation, individuals frequently describe compulsive cycles of rumination, the neurocognitive drive to resolve unfinished business which involves frequent replaying of conversations, messages, or imagined scenarios in an attempt to make sense of what happened. ¹² ¹³ This is not a character flaw; it reflects the mind’s effort to close unresolved loops.

In some cases, this process extends to an almost mythic weight placed on “final notes” or explanations. ¹⁴ Lee says “ultimately when rumination cannot close the loop, people may elevate the idea of a definitive explanation, farewell, or “final note” into something larger than life. It becomes mythic in the sense that it carries disproportionate symbolic importance, a perceived way to bring closure to unbearable uncertainty.”

We also know from the Polyvagal Theory that when attachment bonds rupture, the nervous system may lose access to its calm, socially engaged state. Instead, it can shift into patterns of fight, flight, or shutdown. ¹⁵ Recognising these biological processes helps us to treat them with compassion rather than judgement.

The Red Flags: What To Watch For After A Relationship Ends

Established public health guidance lists a number of clear warning signs for suicide, including talking about wanting to die, feeling trapped or being a burden, marked increases in substance use, agitation or rage, social withdrawal, disrupted sleep, dramatic mood swings, searching for methods, or making specific plans. ¹⁶ ¹⁷

Following a breakup, there are additional indicators to watch for:

Somatic dysregulation, such as restless sleep, exhaustion, and difficulty thinking clearly. ¹⁸
Avoidance of tasks that confirm the new reality, for example unopened letters or ignored legal documents, combined with intense responses to everyday reminders. ¹⁹ ²⁰
Fluctuations between anxiety and numbness, often appearing outwardly functional while internally overwhelmed. ²¹ ²²
Self-blame and shame loops, even when the relationship itself was harmful. ²³

Escalating risk can be seen in behaviours such as acquiring means, rehearsing farewells, giving away possessions, or displaying a sudden calm after a period of turmoil. ¹⁷ Restricting access to lethal means remains the single most effective intervention for preventing suicide. ²⁴ ²⁵ ²⁶

What The Person Is Most Often Worried About

The common concerns that drive suicidal thinking after relationship breakdown include:

Loss of belonging and identity, a destabilising sense of “Who am I now?” ²⁷
Entrapment and defeat, feeling caught in conflict, legal battles, or social disapproval, with no clear escape. ¹¹
Perceived burdensomeness, believing that one’s continued existence causes harm to others. ¹⁰
Compulsive rumination, replaying events in a search for closure. ¹²
Invisible grief, appearing outwardly resilient while feeling privately overwhelmed. ²⁸

A Practical Response Plan

Ask directly. It is safe and appropriate to use clear language: “Are you thinking about suicide?” If the answer is yes, remain with the person, limit access to means, and escalate to professional or emergency support. ²⁴ ²⁵
Remove access to means. Secure medications, sharp objects, or other potential methods, and avoid high-risk locations. ²⁶
Support regulation before reflection. When the nervous system is in distress, insight is limited. Encourage grounding through breathing, movement, or quiet companionship. ⁹ ¹⁵
Introduce routine and ritual. Even small rituals, such as daily check-ins or shared meals, provide stability and meaning that support recovery. ²⁹
Create a written safety plan. This should include supportive people to contact, safe places to go, regulating activities, steps to reduce access to means, and scheduled professional appointments.
Listen for language of hopelessness or burdensomeness. Phrases such as “There is no way out” or “I am a problem for everyone” require immediate attention. ¹⁰ ¹¹

For Friends And Family

Supporting someone after a breakup requires patience, steadiness, and clarity. A practical approach might include:

Observing and naming changes without judgement.
Asking directly about suicidal thoughts.
Offering calm companionship, such as sitting or walking together. ¹⁵Taking steps to reduce access to means. ²⁶
Involving an additional trusted person.
Establishing small rituals of contact, such as daily check-ins. ²⁹
Following up consistently.

Understanding and Supporting Recovery

When someone is struggling after a breakup, it helps to remember that their reactions are biological survival responses rather than signs of weakness. ³⁰ “Feelings of panic, exhaustion, or hopelessness are the body’s way of responding to a profound loss” says Lee. “It’s important to understand that suicidal thoughts can often follow a pathway: first, the sense of overwhelming defeat or entrapment, and then the possibility of acting on those feelings if access to means is easy or rehearsed.” ¹¹ Recognising this pathway allows us to step in early.

Supporting someone also means helping them manage rumination, those cycles of replaying events and searching for explanations, by encouraging grounding techniques or limiting the time spent in these thoughts. ¹² Families and friends can also play a critical role in safety by reducing access to potential means of harm and creating safer environments. ²⁵ ²⁶

Finally, when a suicide does occur in a community, the way we respond matters. Structured support, open conversation, and ongoing contact reduce the risk of further harm for those left behind. ³¹

Changing The Narrative

The theme of World Suicide Prevention Day is “Changing the Narrative.” In this context, changing the narrative means moving away from minimising the impact of relationship loss and recognising it as a significant clinical risk factor.

The facts are clear:

Relationship breakdown places anyone at risk, with particularly high vulnerability for men. ³ ⁵
Warning signs are usually visible if we take the time to look and ask. ¹⁶
The progression from suicidal thought to action is preventable, especially when means safety and social support are in place. ²⁴ ²⁵

Our individual responsibility is to combine practical measures with compassion. Survivors of relationship breakdown are not “broken;” they are people carrying more than their nervous system can manage in that moment. With appropriate support, co-regulation, and steady engagement, recovery is possible. ³² ³³

Lee comments: “On this World Suicide Prevention Day, I would encourage you to remain attentive to those around you. If you are struggling, reach out. If you see someone else struggling, lean in. I firmly believe that presence and action can change the course of a life”.

References

Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Corsi, M. et al. “Relationship breakdown and suicide risk in men: A systematic review.” BMC Psychiatry. 2025.
Scourfield, J. et al. “Separation and divorce as suicide risk factors.” Journal of Affective Disorders. 2024.
Schaan, V.K. et al. “Divorce, separation and suicide mortality: A population-level study.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2023.
Kposowa, A. “Divorce and suicide risk: A global perspective.” Social Science & Medicine. 2022.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 2, Nervous System Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 3, Somatic Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 13, Regulation Before Reflection. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Joiner, T. Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press, 2005.
O’Connor, R.C. The Integrated Motivational–Volitional Model of Suicidal Behaviour. Routledge, 2011.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 5, Open Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 6, Final Notes. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Porges, S.W. The Polyvagal Theory. Norton, 2011.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Suicide Warning Signs and Symptoms. 2024.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Risk Factors and Warning Signs. 2024.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 4, Somatic Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 6, Daily Avoidance. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 7, Environmental Triggers. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 8, Oscillation States. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 9, Numbness. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 3, Shame Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
World Health Organization. Suicide Prevention: Restricting Access to Means. WHO, 2024.
Pirkis, J. et al. “The effectiveness of structural interventions at suicide hotspots.” Crisis. 2019.
Zalsman, G. et al. “Means restriction for suicide prevention.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2016.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 10, Identity Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 12, Hidden Grief. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 14, Rituals of Recovery. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 15, Normalising Biology. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 7, Postvention. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Foreword. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Conclusion, Healing is Regulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

Well-being/Your Emotions

The Hidden Toll of Divorce on Men: Mental Health and Behavioural Outcomes

Published on July 23, 2025July 22, 2025

“Divorce is often perceived as a legal or relational event, but its impact runs far deeper, especially for men. While societal narratives tend to focus on the emotional struggles’ women face, it is increasingly clear that men also endure significant psychological upheaval¹. As a clinician working across Thailand and Europe, I have witnessed firsthand how divorce can profoundly affect men’s mental health and behaviour, often in ways that are misunderstood or overlooked.

In this article, I aim to shed light on how men are affected by divorce, how it influences their mental wellbeing, and the behavioural patterns that may emerge as a result. Understanding these dynamics is vital for fostering support systems that can facilitate healing and resilience.

The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Men

Men often internalise their emotional pain in ways that can be invisible to others². Societally conditioned to embody strength, stoicism, and self-reliance, many men feel compelled to hide their vulnerabilities. From my clinical experience, I’ve observed that beneath this façade, men often experience intense feelings of grief, loss, and confusion.

A common theme I encounter is the disorientation that follows the dissolution of a marriage. Men frequently describe waking up feeling as if they are strangers in their own lives, disconnected from their usual routines, roles, and aspirations. This loss of identity, particularly when their self-worth is tied to their roles as providers or protectors, can be deeply destabilising³.

In my professional observations, the sense of a fractured future and shattered plans leaves many men feeling unmoored. They may experience a profound sense of loneliness and question their purpose, which can lead to a cascade of emotional and psychological challenges⁴.

Impact on Mental Health

The mental health consequences of divorce for men can be severe. Common symptoms include depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and somatic complaints such as headaches, fatigue, or muscle tension⁵. In many cases, men internalise feelings of shame or guilt, believing that they are at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. This self-blame can become a vicious cycle, fuelling rumination and emotional distress⁶.

Attachment theory offers a useful lens through which to understand these reactions⁷. The loss of a primary attachment figure, most often the spouse, can cause feelings of vulnerability and helplessness. Without proper outlets or support, these feelings can deepen, leading to long-term mental health conditions if left unaddressed.

Furthermore, many men experience a sense of identity disintegration, which can lead to feelings of emptiness and despair⁸. They may find it difficult to recognise themselves outside the context of their marriage, which exacerbates their mental health struggles. Physical symptoms such as insomnia, chronic tension, or fatigue often serve as somatic expressions of their internal turmoil⁹.

Behavioural Manifestations of Divorce-Related Distress

The psychological toll of divorce frequently manifests in observable behaviours. From my clinical work, I see patterns such as withdrawal from social networks, avoidance of emotional discussions, and maladaptive coping strategies¹⁰.

Substance abuse is a common response; many men turn to alcohol or drugs as a means of numbing emotional pain temporarily¹¹. I often see men who, in times of crisis, spiral into heavy drinking or drug use, believing these substances will help them escape their feelings. As I’ve stated in my practice, “Alcohol and drugs often become the quick fix for emotional numbness, but they only deepen the wound over time.” While this may provide short-term relief, it often worsens their mental health over time¹².

Similarly, some men engage in risky behaviours, such as reckless sex, gambling, or overspending, seeking stimulation or distraction from their inner pain. These behaviours can quickly escalate into addictive patterns, especially when used as coping mechanisms¹³. I’ve observed that “when men are overwhelmed, their responses can become compulsive, as they attempt to regain a sense of control or escape through addiction.”

I have also observed increased irritability, anger, or aggression in men navigating divorce¹⁴. These emotional responses can be directed inward, leading to self-criticism and depression, or outward, causing conflicts with family, friends, or colleagues. Such behaviours tend to isolate men further, reinforcing feelings of loneliness and hopelessness.

Neglect of self-care is another common pattern. Men may deprioritise their physical health, skipping medical appointments, neglecting exercise, or engaging in poor nutrition, which creates a vicious cycle of physical and mental decline¹⁵.

Societal Expectations and Their Role

Societal standards around masculinity significantly influence how men experience and cope with divorce. Traditional notions of masculinity emphasise emotional restraint, independence, and strength. While these traits may serve in certain contexts, they often hinder men from expressing vulnerability or seeking help during times of crisis¹⁶.

In my experience, many men feel that showing emotion is dangerous or a sign of weakness. This cultural stigma discourages open communication about their struggles, leading to emotional repression that can intensify mental health issues¹⁷. It’s not uncommon for men to hide their pain behind a façade of stoicism, which can delay or prevent them from accessing the support they need.

This cultural dynamic underscores the importance of providing safe, stigma-free environments where men can explore their feelings and seek professional help without shame. As a specialist in addiction and trauma, I have seen how unaddressed emotional pain often manifests through addictive behaviours. “Without proper support, these coping mechanisms, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling, or compulsive sex, can quickly become entrenched, turning into destructive patterns that are hard to break,” I often emphasise in my work¹⁸.

Long-term Effects and the Importance of Support

Unaddressed, the psychological and behavioural impacts of divorce can persist long-term, affecting overall wellbeing and future relationships¹⁹. Persistent feelings of loss, identity confusion, and emotional suppression may lead to chronic depression, anxiety disorders, and difficulties forming new connections²⁰.

From my perspective, recovery is rarely linear. It involves patience, self-compassion, and often, professional support. Men need safe spaces to process their grief, confront their feelings, and rebuild their sense of self. Support groups, therapy, and open conversations can play a vital role in this process²¹.

In my clinical practice, I often see how addiction can serve as both a symptom and a barrier to healing. “Addictive behaviours, whether substance use, compulsive gambling, or risky sexual activity, are often attempts to self-medicate unresolved trauma,” I explain. “Addressing these behaviours requires a nuanced understanding of underlying pain and trauma, not just surface-level treatment.” ²²

However, stigma remains a barrier, and many men are reluctant to seek help. Therefore, ongoing efforts to destigmatise mental health and addiction treatment for men, along with culturally sensitive approaches, are vital in ensuring they receive the care they need²³.

The journey through divorce can be profoundly isolating and painful for men. Their mental health often bears the brunt of this upheaval, manifesting in depression, anxiety, somatic symptoms, and maladaptive or addictive behaviours. Recognising these patterns and understanding the societal influences that shape men’s responses are crucial steps toward providing effective support.

As a clinician dedicated to behavioural health, I believe that fostering environments where men feel safe to express vulnerability and seek help is fundamental. With the right support, men can navigate the complex aftermath of divorce, heal emotionally, and rebuild a resilient sense of self.

Understanding and addressing the silent suffering of men during this turbulent time is not just a clinical necessity; it is a societal imperative. Through compassion, awareness, and targeted intervention, including addressing addictive patterns, I believe it’s possible to not only help men survive divorce but to emerge from it stronger and more self-aware”.

References

Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1269–1287.
Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5–14.
Levant, R. F. (1996). The new psychology of men. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 27(3), 259–265.
Kilmartin, C. (2005). Depression in men: Communication, diagnosis and therapy. The Journal of Men’s Health & Gender, 2(1), 95–99.
Wang, H. T., & Amato, P. R. (2000). Predictors of divorce adjustment: Stressors, resources, and definitions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 655–668.
Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change.
Bruce, M. L., & Kim, K. (1992). Differences in the effects of divorce on major depression in men and women. American Journal of Psychiatry, 149(7), 914–917.
Kendler, K. S., et al. (2003). Stressful life events and major depression: Risk period, long-term contextual threat, and diagnostic specificity. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 191(3), 143–149.
Umberson, D., et al. (1992). Divorce and health: Consequences and correlates. Sociological Forum, 7(3), 423–439.
Dawson, D. A. (1994). Gender differences in the risk of alcohol abuse: The impact of family structure and social role. Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 55(1), 18–27.
Kessler, R. C., et al. (1997). The co-morbidity of DSM-III-R major depressive disorder in the general population: Results from the US National Comorbidity Survey. British Journal of Psychiatry, 168(Suppl 30), 17–30.
Potenza, M. N. (2006). Should addictive disorders include non-substance-related conditions? Addiction, 101, 142–151.
Rosen, L. N., et al. (1996). Traumatic events and their relationship to posttraumatic stress disorder and depressive disorder in male and female soldiers. Depression, 4(5), 220–231.
Courtenay, W. H. (2000). Constructions of masculinity and their influence on men’s well-being: A theory of gender and health. Social Science & Medicine, 50(10), 1385–1401.
Mahalik, J. R., et al. (2003). Masculinity and perceived normative health behaviors as predictors of men’s health behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201–2209.
O’Neil, J. M. (2008). Summarising 25 years of research on men’s gender role conflict using the Gender Role Conflict Scale. The Counseling Psychologist, 36(3), 358–445.
Khantzian, E. J. (1997). The self-medication hypothesis of substance use disorders: A reconsideration and recent applications. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 4(5), 231–244.
Lorenz, F. O., et al. (2006). The short-term and decade-long effects of divorce on women’s midlife health. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 47(2), 111–125.
Simon, R. W. (2002). Revisiting the relationships among gender, marital status, and mental health. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 1065–1096.
Jordan, J. V., et al. (2004). The complexity of connection: Writings from the Stone Center.
Najavits, L. M. (2002). Seeking Safety: A Treatment Manual for PTSD and Substance Abuse.

Vogel, D. L., et al. (2011). Stigma, help-seeking, and mental health: A review of the literature. Psychological Services, 8(2), 98–110.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

Children of Divorce/Coping with Divorce/Family Mediation

Strengthening Family Bonds Post-Divorce: How Conversations About Boundaries Can Help

Published on June 30, 2025June 30, 2025

Jo Harrison
Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist
Family Law in Partnership

On a recent walk with this article in my mind, I noticed that the trees that were planted locally to me for the Jubilee had grown so tall and green since they were tiny little seedlings a few years ago. Inside a circular fence to protect them from deer, I couldn’t help but think how it is the healthy boundary in place around these trees that is supporting them to grow. When we have helpful boundaries in place, it can help us grow, and our relationships too. Healthy boundaries are an investment for our relationships. In this sense they are different from the fence that keeps the deer out, because healthy boundaries aren’t just about keeping people out. They are about helping us to feel more able to show up in our relationships. They help to make the relationships that we want to keep grow and flourish, rather than become places that we try to avoid or feel resentful about.

Of course, there will be some relationships in our life that we won’t want to invest in and will want to walk away from. But in divorce it can be quite difficult to walk away, especially where children are involved. Not just the relationship with a co-parent, but also with the wider family. In order for these relationships to be supported post-divorce you might want to focus on trying to set healthy boundaries.

When I work with couples who are separating, who are able to talk to each other and discuss things with each other, healthy boundaries evolve out of them being able to air each of their concerns, acknowledge them, listen to them, and plan around them. For example, they might have a conversation about how they are going to live in their home together until it is sold, addressing aspects like how they are going to communicate about their comings and goings, how they are going to share out childcare responsibilities between them, even what the deal is when the milk runs out. When these things are worked out mutually and clearly and the agreement is stuck to it can really support the atmosphere in the house during this period of their lives, which is often difficult. Call them ground rules, call them boundaries – what we are really talking about is how we can make this situation work for everyone.

What strikes me about these conversations is that there is a lot that may not have needed to be discussed in such depth when a couple were together, but once a couple separate, paradoxically, there can be more to discuss and more boundaries to set. Don’t assume your partner is a mind-reader – it is helpful if you can be clear about what works for you.

Of course, it isn’t always possible to have these conversations in a straightforward way or without the help of a third party, so here are my tips to support productive conversations about boundaries:

Use “I” statements to support not putting each other on the defensive. For example, instead of “you’re so annoying, why do you keep emailing me so much, you have to stop”, the shift would be something like “I am struggling to keep on top of all the emails you send me and I wonder if we could do it a different way – perhaps to agree on a time where we put it all into one email at the end of the week.”
You don’t have to agree with someone to listen to them and acknowledge where they are coming from. It can really support making boundaries if you can listen to a concern and acknowledge it, because when both people feel heard it’s more likely you will be willing to work to something creatively between you.
Schedule times to talk rather than spontaneously – and if something comes up spontaneously and you feel that you aren’t ready to talk about it just that minute, you can set your own boundary by saying something like “I know it’s important for us to talk about that but I think the conversation will be more useful if I’ve had a bit of time to think about that. Can we talk about it at this specific time?”

What about conversations that aim to set healthy boundaries with wider family members? The principles above can support these conversations. Sometimes it can feel strange or more intimate than you are used to with members of the family to express your needs or feelings about certain areas of your life. It can be helpful to preface these kinds of conversations with something like “now that we are getting divorced, I wonder if we could have a chat about how it’s going to work when the kids come to stay with you.” There may be some important things you need to explain to be clear with the wider family, and this will be more powerful if it comes from both of you. For example:

We have agreed between each other not to badmouth each other in front of the children. We feel this really supports the children and we would ask you to support us on this.

With this kind of thing – you can’t really control other people and set boundaries around them. What you are doing is modelling the boundary that you have agreed, and asking for people’s support with doing so, as well as being clear about what you feel it is important.

In all the relationships around you, take time to think about what matters to you, as the clearer you feel about it, the clearer you will be able to express it to others. Being clear about your needs may not come easily to you, depending on your experiences. Starting small with communicating something that matters to you in a constructive way to your ex, or to a family member, can be the start of practising this muscle.

About Jo Harrison

Jo is a Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist with Family Law in Partnership. She is very experienced in working with individuals and couples who are separating. A former family lawyer, Jo has a depth of experience and understands the legal process, which many if her clients find helpful.

If you would like to enquire about support individually in relation to preparing for a divorce or separation, please contact the FLiP relationship support team at E: therapists@flip.co.uk

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