helping children cope with divorce - Page 4

How to Make Divorce Easier on Children

Published on
Vanessa Fox
Partner and Head of
Family Law
hlw Keeble Hawson

I have often thought that we should take research into the effects of divorce on children with a pinch of salt and concentrate on common sense, practical measures to reduce the impact.

The latest study to grab headlines has concluded that a quick divorce is worse for children than an acrimonious one and that they are less likely to succeed in life as a result.

In my extensive experience no divorce is easy – emotionally, financially or legally and nobody enters into the process because they think it is. Even amicable separations are hard on children – but if both parents work to safeguard them, there is no reason why they should not grow up to achieve fulfilled lives.

Below are some tips on how estranged couples can make their split easier on their children:

  • If possible, sit down together to tell your children about a separation or divorce. Keep explanations simple and don’t blame each other.

 

  • Always put your children’s welfare, not your own, first and avoid unnecessary squabbles. Strive to remain cordial despite feelings of hurt with your ex.

 

  • Try to reach a quick and easy financial outcome – it is better to collaborate and to compromise than fight over minor issues.

 

  • Strive to be fair and flexible with each other about children issues – avoiding disruption with last minute changes of plan. Routine is always helpful for children but it doesn’t have to be a straitjacket.

 

  • Explain in simple terms how their lives will change, particularly major decisions such as where they will live and how often they will see each parent. Both parents are urged to be flexible over planned routines if children, particularly teenagers, want to alter them.

 

  • Agree some parenting ground rules with your ex and have monthly coffee meetings to discuss how things are going with the children.

 

  • Avoid getting into a blaming situation with your ex – a spirit of cooperation will go a long way.

 

  • Regularly reassure your offspring that you love them – they, in turn, are entitled to continue to love both parents.

 

  • Encourage them to talk about their feelings and give them time to get used to the new situation. Don’t rush them into meeting any new partner.

 

  • Consider family therapy as an option – it works well in many cases.

Ultimately, divorce has been easier to obtain for the last 50 years in the UK. Previously, people were locked into loveless and abusive relationships – however, there is no research available on how this affected children. The number of young people undergoing higher education since the 1970s has also rocketed despite divorce numbers rising more than six fold between 1955 and 1985.

This seems to contradict the claims in the latest study that young adults in the 1970s were far less likely to go to university than those in the 1940s and 50s, when access to divorce was harder.

I strongly urge all separating couples to do everything they can to ensure their split is as non-confrontational as possible. They can work with professional advisers to resolve family disputes constructively and invest in one of the collaborative routes to divorce.

About Vanessa

hlw Keeble Hawson partner, Vanessa Fox, marked 25 years as head of the firm’s family law department in 2016.

Collaboratively trained and a qualified mediator, she has modernised South Yorkshire Resolution since becoming chair in 2013 and is also a member of the Law Society’s Family Law Panel and the Children Panel.

She can be contacted on 0114 290 6232 or at vanessafox@hlwkeeblehawson.co.uk.

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Children, Divorce and the 7 Parent Practices you need to Avoid

Children, Divorce and the 7 Parenting Practices to Avoid

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I have worked with children and families for several years now.

Lately, most of my clients have been parents going through divorce; some are concerned about their children’s change in behaviour while others have been court ordered to attend the Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) course which I run.

There are also those parents who are about to embark on the divorce process, or separation, who want to know how to handle the “announcement” for the children’s sake.

The 7 parent practices that I mention below are for any parents going through divorce or separation.

You may be right at the start of the divorce process or right bang in the middle, either way these are some crucial tips that will play a role in helping children cope with divorce… and ultimately, you too.

Don’t alienate the other parent from the children. Don’t become the toxic parent. However much you feel enraged by what your ex did, didn’t do or is doing to you, don’t interrupt his or her relationship with the children.

It doesn’t help your children in any way. All it does is aggravate the already demanding emotional and mental journey that they are living through.

Most parents are happy to say, “I will do anything for my children.”

So can you do this?  Can you allow them to continue having a relationship with their other parent despite how you feel? Can you give them that?

Don’t project a personal agenda onto your child. Don’t use your children to get something from your ex.

Completely keep your children out of your divorce or separation plans and goals. Don’t use them as messengers, spies or mediators so that you can get more information that will then work in your favour.

They don’t like this and when you question them when they come back home after spending time with their other parent, they know what you’re doing and it puts them in a very, very difficult position.

If you don’t want your ex-partner to know something about you and your new personal life, then keep it away from your children. Don’t tell them, show them etc and then ask them to keep it a secret from daddy or mummy.  Exactly where are they supposed to put it except inside they minds, hearts and thoughts.  Then what?

That’s not fair on them at all.  It may work for you, but it hurts them. You don’t want anyone else to hurt your children, then don’t it yourself.

When parents make their children feel guilty for having fun with the other parent, your children may begin dreading coming home to you as they won’t be able to share their day’s fun with you. They know it will only hurt you so they don’t talk about it.

Or what they may do, is tell you how horrid it was or how bored they were with the hope of making you feel better or good that they missed you or whatever and it may work for a bit until they learn that you brought up their “terrible” experience when you spoke with your solicitor and tried to use it as a means of limiting the amount of time your ex spends with the children.

Truth is, unless you avoid projecting a personal agenda onto your children, they will definitely be left picking up the tab for you running an emotional agenda.  Is this what you want for them if it means you get what you want?

Don’t tell your children about the legal details.  They really don’t need to know how much child maintenance your ex is paying you for instance.

How does that information help them?  If they ask, then be the parent and tell them that, that is something between you and their mum or dad.

I’ve worked with parents who provide their children with so much legal information and then they wonder why their child’s behaviour toward the other parent is changing for the worse or why they are unable to concentrate in school.

I recall the story of a child who would sit in class with his blazer on ready to leave because anytime the house would be sold and they would need to move far away.

Or the one who would frequent the school nurse’s office with frequent stomach pains. The school nurse soon realised that these visits coincided with court dates. The child was always informed when his parents where going to court something he didn’t need to know about. All it did was make him sick, literally, with worry and anxiety.  His parents had made it clear that it was the judge who was going to decide whom he was to live with.

Don’t tell your children about your spouses secrets. Again, what would be the reason for doing this other than try and score points with your children and get back at your ex?

How do you think they feel when you tell them something so deep about their mother or father. Do you believe that it washes off them like water off a duck’s back or do you imagine that it sinks in and just unsettles their inner being for a very long time?

Of course doing so will hurt and anger your ex to no end – and I can only imagine that would be your goal – but truth is it will hurt, confuse, embarrass and cause unnecessary suffering to your children and for what?

Don’t denigrate your child’s other parent in your child’s presence or within her earshot. Avoid, at all costs, making negative comments about your ex as a means of earning your child’s support or proving a point.

It may work for you while they are little but they do grow up and they will see for themselves what game you were playing. What will you say then?

Avoid marital conflict in front of your child. Of course this is easier said than done because at times, you just want to scream, swear and yell back and then slam the door shut or throw the phone out of a moving car!

And it will happen.  And when it does, it’s really ok to apologise to your child for having put them through that experience. Acknowledge that you did wrong.  That goes a long way in making them feel safe again.

But if it’s the order of the day, if conflict is a certainty at practically every exchange or transition, then you will need to find an alternative. Arguing and fighting in front of your children changes who they are.

Can you imagine how anxious they begin to feel just at the thought that you and your ex are about to come face to face at the exchange?

One parent told me how his 7 year old had started insisting that she be dropped off at the end of road so she can walk to her mother’s alone.  This little girl was willing to fight her own fear of walking alone so as to avoid seeing her parents in conflict.

If you constantly argue and fight, once it’s over and you each go your own way, try and think how your child is feeling before, during and even hours after it’s over. If it’s close to bedtime, how will this affect their sleep.  Now realise that they feel like that at every exchange at every thought of his parents meeting up.

Don’t use child as your support system.  I’m unable to count the number of times I have heard parents tell me that if it wasn’t for the support they get from their child, they don’t know what they would do.

Coping with divorce and separation is your job as the adult. Helping children cope with divorce and separation is your job as the parent.

This is the time that you as a parent needs to show up. You need to provide a secure and caring environment for your child so that he or she can continue being the child that she is by you being the parent that you need to be.

Your children need the space to grieve the loss of their family (and more) as they knew it.  They need to know that when they come home or when you come home, they can lean on you, ask you questions, cry if they need to and demonstrate their anger and frustration when they feel like it.

They need to do all this so that they can move on emotionally and mentally.

So find your own support system. Find people whom you can call on to be there for you, be they family, friends or professionals. Look after you and you will be able to look after your little ones at this time when they need you most.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, Parenting Practitioner, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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Relocation, Relocation, Relocation – Can I Move Away with my Child after Divorce UK

Published on
James Thornton and Frank Arndt
James Thornton and Frank Arndt
Founders
Paradigm Family Law

As Henry Ford says, “If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself.” 

Moving forward or relocating to a different country is sometimes difficult, especially when the parent left behind does not want a distance relationship with the children.

Attempting to understand the principles to be applied in internal relocation cases has been one of the most difficult tasks in family law.

The court has invariably been placed in the position of seeking to balance on the one hand the weight to be given to the desire of a primary carer to relocate within the United Kingdom against, on the other, the effect of a move on the relationship of the child with the left-behind parent, particularly where the distance involved is considerable. Establishing the true position is very fact specific in each case.

The Welfare of the Child is Paramount

However, there is only one principle in relocation cases and that is that the welfare of the child is paramount; there are no presumptions and any guidance is exactly that, guidance, and as such is designed to be of assistance (or not) depending on the circumstances of the case.

Quick Summary of Relocation Cases

After a period of uncertainty as to how the so called Payne guidance (Payne v Payne [2001] EWCA Civ 166; [2001] 1 FLR 1052) should be applied in relocation cases, the matter has been clarified in K v K (Relocation) (Shared Care Arrangement) [2011] EWCA Civ 793; [2013] 2 FLR 880 and thereafter re-emphasised by the President in Re F (Relocation) [2012] EWCA Civ 1364. The judge, having cited parts of K v K, reminded himself that the Payne guidance is not a presumption but that “that does not mean that Payne v Payne is not helpful in terms of the guidance that it does provide.”

K v K tracks the law back as far as Poel v Poel [1970] 1 WLR 1469. For the purposes of his argument, Mr Geekie traces through to more recent authorities the observations made in the well-known passage from the judgment of Griffiths LJ from Chamberlain v de la Mere (1983) 4 FLR 434 where he said:

“The welfare of young children is best served by bringing them up in a happy secure family atmosphere. When, after divorce, the parent who has custody of the children remarries, those children then join and become members of a new family and it is the happiness and security of that new family on which their welfare will depend…..

If a step-father for the purposes of his career, is required to live elsewhere the natural thing would be that he will wish to take his family, which now includes his step-children, with him, and if the court refuses to allow him to take the step-children with him he is faced with the alternative of going and leaving the family behind which is a very disruptive state of affairs and likely to be damaging to those step-children, or alternatively he may gave to throw up his career prospects and remain in this country.

If he has to do that he would be less than human if he did not feel a sense of frustration and, do what he may, that may well spill over into a sense of resentment against the step-children who have so interfered with his future career prospects.

If that happens it must reflect upon the happiness and possibly even the stability of this second marriage. It was to that effect that the court was pointing in the decisions of Poel v Poel [1970] 1 WLR 1469 and Nash v Nash [ 1973] 2 All ER 704 and it was stressing that it was a factor that had to be given great weight when weighing up the various factors that arise when a judge has to decide whether or not to give leave to take the children out of the jurisdiction.”

This in turn was incorporated as an important feature by Dame Elizabeth Butler-Sloss P in Payne as was summarised by Black LJ in K V K:

“[125] She analysed the guidance to be derived from the earlier cases. In paragraph 83, she focused on the impact on a child’s welfare of the frustration of reasonable plans made for relocation, culminating in the observation that:

“If the arrangements are sensible and the proposals are genuinely important to the applicant parent and the effect of refusal of the application would be seriously adverse to the new family, e.g. mother and child, or the mother, stepfather and child, then this would be, as Griffiths LJ said, a factor that had to be given great weight when weighing up the various factors in the balancing exercise.”

[126] In paragraph 84, she turned to the other considerations that would be relevant in the following terms:

“84. The strength of the relationship with the other parent, usually the father, and the paternal family will be a highly relevant factor, see MH v GP (Child: Emigration) [1995] 2 FLR 106. The ability of the other parent to continue contact with the child and the financial implications need to be explored…..”

Black LJ, looking back over what is now nearly 40 years of jurisprudence in this area of family, [140] came to several conclusions in her judgment in K v K:

“[141] The first point that is quite clear is that, as I have said already, the principle – the only authentic principle – that runs through the entire line of relocation authorities is that the welfare of the child is the court’s paramount consideration. Everything that is considered by the court in reaching its determination is put into the balance with a view to measuring its impact on the child.

[142] Whilst this is the only truly inescapable principle in the jurisprudence, that does not mean that everything else – the valuable guidance – can be ignored. It must be heeded for all the reasons that Moore-Bick LJ gives but as guidance not as rigid principle or so as to dictate a particular outcome in a sphere of law where the facts of individual cases are so infinitely variable.

[143] Furthermore, the effect of the guidance must not be overstated. Even where the case concerns a true primary carer, there is no presumption that the reasonable relocation plans of that carer will be facilitated unless there is some compelling reason to the contrary, nor any similar presumption however it may be expressed.

Thorpe LJ said so in terms in Payne and it is not appropriate, therefore, to isolate other sentences from his judgment, such as the final sentence of paragraph 26 (“Therefore her application to relocate will be granted unless the court concludes that it is incompatible with the welfare of the children”) for re-elevation to a status akin to that of a determinative presumption.

It is doubly inappropriate when one bears in mind that the judgments in Payne must be read as a whole, with proper weight given to what the then President said. She said that she wished to reformulate the principles since they may have been expressed from time to time in too rigid terms with the word ‘presumption’ over-emphasising one element of the approach (paragraph 82) whereas the criteria in s 1 Children Act govern the application (paragraph 83) and there is no presumption in favour of the applicant (paragraph 84).

Dame Elizabeth referred, of course, to the effect on the parent with residence (paragraphs 83 and 84) but she also stressed that the relationship with the other parent is highly relevant and that there are many other factors which may arise in an individual case (paragraph 84).

I detect in her discussion of the factors and in her summary at paragraph 85 no weighting in favour of any particular factor. She said that the reasonable proposals of the parent with a residence order wishing to live abroad carry “great weight” whereas the effect on the child of denying contact with the other parent is “very important” but I do not infer from that phraseology any loading in favour of the reasonable proposals as opposed to the effect of the loss of contact.

[144] Payne v Payne therefore identifies a number of factors which will or may be relevant in a relocation case, explains their importance to the welfare of the child, and suggests helpful disciplines to ensure that the proper matters are considered in reaching a decision but it does not dictate the outcome of a case.”

In Re F ( Relocation) [2012] EWCA Civ 1364; [2013] 1 FLR 645, Munby LJ (as he then was) said:

“[37] …..There can be no presumptions in a case governed by section 1 of the Children Act 1989. From beginning to end the child’s welfare is paramount, and the evaluation of where the child’s best interests truly lie is to be determined having regard to the ‘welfare checklist’ in section 1(3).”

Safeguarding

As a practical point, don’t forget the safeguarding provision and insurance as set out in the latest Court of Appeal decision in  M (Children), Re [2016] EWCA Civ 1059at [66] to [70].

 

ABOUT JAMES AND FRANK

James Thornton and Frank Arndt, matrimonial experts, founded  Paradigm Family Law in 2014. It is a niche practice specialising in family law advice and the first family law firm to offer services on the basis of BESPOKE FIXED FEES tailored to clients’ particular needs and requirements.

James and Frank have over 30 years’ experience in the field of family law, and provide specialist legal advice for family matters including international family disputes.

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Helping your Child Deal with Divorce

Helping your Child Deal with Divorce

Published on
Nigel C Winter Partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler Solicitors
Nigel C Winter
Partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler Solicitors

In the second of the series RB’s Family Department’ Nigel Winter looks at the effects of divorce/separation upon children.  You can find the first part here.

There are many terrible dilemmas that face anyone contemplating divorce or separation.

One of the most significant is the impact upon children.

One would simply not be human if you fail to consider their wishes and what was in your children’s’ best interests.

Furthermore the impact of divorce according to “research” (whether you accept it or not) is cause for concern. The incidences of failed relationships, under achievement etc. are startling.

Notwithstanding all of the above some 82% of children and adolescents polled in a recent survey have stated that they would prefer their parents to divorce rather than stay in a marriage that was unhappy.

Although parents understandably stay together “for the sake of the children” those said “children” can be alarmingly wise and they will realise sooner or later that their parents’ relationship is on poor terms.

This article is not therefore about advising people what they should do. It is simply about giving them some of the surprising facts about how our children feel and then leaving parents to go away and reflect on this.

However it appears that the case of staying together “for the children”, whilst founded on the best of intentions doesn’t necessarily serve the children’s’ interest.

Therefore, if a couple are to divorce there may be some “golden rules” in conducting that divorce with your children in mind.

It is also clear that when divorce is carried out properly children can manage very well. However there are a number of “pitfalls” that are to be avoided. Some of these take a great deal of patience but are very much in the children’s’ interest.

Step 1            –             Be respectful to the other parent.

It is a fact that children love both their parents but can’t understand why they don’t necessarily love each other anymore.

Thus, if you bring your ex’s faults to their attention, however careful the language you use, this will be unpleasant for them. Children often feel the need to defend the parent being berated and therefore feel uncomfortable “taking sides”.

Difficult as it may be, put yourself in your children’s’ position and recall how in your childhood you loved both your parents.

Step 2            –            Avoid misplaced resentment.

Research has shown that in particularly nasty divorces a resentment that their parties have towards their ex can be transferred to their children.

This is particularly so where the children have a similar personality trait to the ex i.e. one party is punctual or particularly tidy, the other less so. This is not your ex you see manifested in your child but your child: it’s part of their makeup.

Step 3            –            Avoid using children as a “pawn”.

The instinct to “wreak havoc” once a relationship is over may be understandable.  Children present every opportunity to be a vehicle for doing so.

Disagreements over contact, joint holidays, Helping your Child Deal with Divorcemeeting the new partner, and even maintenance can all be conveyed through a child.

They should not be! These are matters that should be communicated directly or through lawyers.

Furthermore ’children being children’, they can in some circumstances know how to “play one off against the other”. Some children going through divorce get two birthday parties which both parents trying to over-impress with more expensive presents etc.

At a very early age the children will move from exploiting the situation to realising how harmful it is. Parents should resort to a parenting plan and mediation over these issues.

Step 4            –            Treat special events with the respect they deserve.

Children are often desperate for their parents to see them at the school sports day, performing at plays etc. They will often want both parents to attend for these milestones.

If you still feel “raw” about a separation, remember that a child may recall that day for the rest of their lives and long after you have moved on. You may have to “fake it” but in the fullness of time they will be grateful to you for that.

Step 5                        Work together and be seen to work together.

You will always be the parents of your children. Big decisions like education and medical treatment will have to be taken together.

Furthermore, in an all too brief period of time there will be graduations, wedding ceremonies and ultimately christenings. If you and your ex can get together for these events without your children being ‘on edge’ then you will have served their best interests.

Remember you are still a family – you just happen to be one in which the parents are no longer together.

You will have to function as a family on that basis and this can be very rewarding for all concerned. Indeed Relate even assist families on the post- divorce situation. In doing so they listen to the parents and also to the children.   This will help everyone “move on” without doing so through a Court of law!

It is unlikely that a family going through divorce are where they want to be. However you can either make the best of the situation or the worse.

ABOUT NIGEL

Nigel C Winter is a partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler Solicitors, based in the South East of England. He has been practicing family law for over two decades, is a collaborative lawyer and a regular contributor to a wide variety of publications on Divorce and Family Law.

He has been practicing family law for over 2 decades, is a Collaborative lawyer and a regular contributor to a wide variety of publications on divorce and family law.

Did you know? There are on-line advice videos at:-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKsjD1sqe-U

 

 

 

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celebrity spilts

Celebrity Splits or Anonymous Divorces? – How Best to Help Children Through it

Published on
Vanessa Fox Partner and Head of Family Law hlw Keeble Hawson
Vanessa Fox
Partner and Head of
Family Law
hlw Keeble Hawson

It is surprising that couples as wealthy as Amber Heard and Johnny Depp and now Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie wash their linen so publicly, when financially they are in a position not to do so.

Their motives may perhaps lie with a need to respond to the media circus that surrounds them – seeking to gain the public’s sympathy for their individual position – something the rest of us mere mortals can be grateful to avoid.

With that in mind, media speculation over a potential court battle over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s six children – aged between 8 and 15 and, on any view, the innocent bystanders – is extremely worrying.

It is reported that Ms Jolie has instructed a lawyer well known for litigious work. However, it is to be hoped that the celebrity couple’s legal teams will advise them that there are other routes to achieving agreement that would prioritise their children’s needs.

For their children’s sake, any parents during separation, should act responsibly and avoid a bloodbath of litigation – which comes with the danger of distressing any young family members immensely. With celebrity couples, any litigation appears to be conducted in the public eye, with media comment at every stage.

Where there are children to consider, especially across a wide age range, separating parents should think carefully as to the legal path they take upon separation, as this will affect the children greatly. The legal recommendation to separating parents should be that a court appearance about children issues should be the last resort.

Although there are cases where a court application is the only option, parents should be advised to look at other choices, including mediation, counselling and collaborative family law practice. If parents can sit in a room together (whether with mediators or trained family lawyers) and listen to each other, they often realise that more unites than divides them where the children are concerned.

On a practical level, it is vital that children are helped to get through their parents’ separation and divorce as sensitively as possible and with minimum disruption. To achieve this, I recommend a checklist of ten tips:

  • It is best if parents can sit down together to tell their children about a separation or divorce. If the conversations have to be separate, it’s important to agree what you will each say beforehand so that children have a consistent message. Keep explanations simple and try not to blame each other.
  • Put your children’s welfare, not your own, at the forefront of your mind and avoid unnecessary squabbles over trivial issues with the other parent where possible when the children are present. Try to look at each situation through your children’s eyes.
  • Try to be as fair and as flexible with the other parent as possible about children issues, whilst not messing each other around with last minute changes of plan. A routine is helpful for children, but it needn’t become a straitjacket.
  • Agree some parenting ground rules with your ex, but also try to fit in with some differences in approach, without compromising on issues that really matter to you.
  • Don’t get into a ‘blame game’ with the other parent and give each other as much notice as possible with any problems that will inevitably arise from time to time with contact issues. This will help the children understand that they need to see both parents.
  • Reassure your children that you love them and that they are not to blame. Always remember that children are entitled to continue to love both their parents.
  • Explain in simple terms how their lives will change, particularly major decisions such as where they will live and how often they will see each parent. Be prepared to consider changes to the routine you have agreed with your ex if your children want to change the arrangements – and be particularly flexible with teenagers.
  • Listen to your children and make time for them, giving them your full attention – and turn off mobile phones when you spend time with them. Don’t force your child to talk to you, but reassure him or her that you are there to listen when they are ready.
  • Keep your own personal issues and feelings about the separation out of any discussions with your children and focus on how they are each feeling.
  • Try to counter the negative impact of separation or divorce with positive statements about the children such as praising them for achievements at school or helping around the home.

About Vanessa

hlw Keeble Hawson partner, Vanessa Fox, marks 25 years as head of the firm’s family law department in 2016.

Collaboratively trained and a qualified mediator, she has modernised South Yorkshire Resolution since becoming chair in 2013 and is also a member of the Law Society’s Family Law Panel and the Children Panel.

She can be contacted at on 0114 290 6232 or on vanessafox@hlwkeeblehawson.co.uk.

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Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt Children and Divorce

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Claire O Finn
Claire O’ Flinn is a consultant in Keystone Law’s Family team

While the world focuses on whether the Pitt / Jolie divorce means that Team Jen actually won there are six children that should be the focus of our attention.

Is it possible to focus on the well-being of children when the parents’ story is all anyone is interested in?  Absolutely.

A child centred approach to separation and divorce should be adopted from the very beginning. A divorce “for the health of the family” is what Jolie is quoted as having said. Pitt is focused on “the well-being of the children”.  But is it really?

The Jolie-Pitt divorce looks set to be highly acrimonious with Jolie apparently already seeking that the court grant her “custody” and grant Pitt only “visitation” rights.  They have shot straight to the nuclear button. By contrast, the Paltrow – Martin “conscious uncoupling” divorce which was finalised in July 2016 was to all intents and purposes a very amicable divorce.

The pair still holiday together with their children and apparently have brunches together at the weekends. They continue to refer to themselves as being in a family unit despite the parents not being in a romantic relationship.

With the right representation and advice from experienced family solicitors even the most acrimonious separation can be managed in a child centred way to ensure the best interests of the child are at the forefront of the issue.”

About Claire

Claire O’ Flinn is a consultant in Keystone Law’s Family team.

She is a highly experienced family solicitor who has specific expertise in resolving complex financial consequences of relationship breakdown whether based in this country or internationally.

Claire has particular experience in advising on private children issues; she advises on contact and residence disputes issues including the making and defending applications to remove children from the jurisdiction.

Above all, Claire is committed to helping couples part with dignity and to minimise the impact on the family. Claire provides clients with practical advice and workable solutions.  She is a trained collaborative lawyer and also a contributor to published family law journals.

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Borderline Personality Disorder

Coping with Divorcing a Person with Borderline Personality Disorder

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Mediation and collaborative divorces have been referred to as “more friendly” with a goal to keep the door open to having a relationship post-divorce.

Some people who divorced individuals with personality disorders, felt safer in the court room with a judge presiding.

This is particularly true with spouses who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

People with BPD have a fear of abandonment which can become worse with divorce. They have poor and unstable interpersonal relationships. They tend to put someone up on a pedestal and revere them.

When that person does something not liked, they become bitterly despised. People are categorized as being wonderful or not worthy of their adoration.

Folks with BPD have overly intense emotions which fluctuate vastly. They are controlling and this includes controlling communication between people they know. BPD people are threatened by a partner’s success so criticize in order to tear them down in the belief it will keep them dependent and prevent abandonment (divorce).

Their impulsive behaviour – affairs, drug use, and alcoholism may be a factor in their partner wanting out of the relationship.

People with BPD have a sense of emptiness with a distorted self-image. When married, one may have tip-toed around them to avoid activating the BPD spouse’s intense anger. The departing spouse’s self-esteem may be low after spending time with this judgemental person.

Ways to get through divorce from a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder include having clear boundaries. You can send a strong message that all communication goes to your solicitor and not to you.  Have consequences if boundaries are violated.

coping with divorcing Borderline Personality DisorderFollow through with consequences, such as blocking their calls and e-mails or changing your phone number. Instruct staff at work not to put those calls through to you or get a restraining order.

One has to get grounded when starting divorce. Get calm in order to stay focused, as the spouse with BPD will attempt to raise your anxiety.

Do not rise to the bait or react to their ploys. Let your barrister or solicitor be the filter that keeps manipulation away from you and deals with it impassively. They get in power struggles even over little issues, so do not get in a battle.

Several men I interviewed advised others to let the spouse with BPD feel that they are winning, by giving up more personal property and instead concentrate on the big ticket items. Turn over meticulous documents on finances, particularly showing what you owned before marriage, to keep emotion out of the dealings.

Spouses with Borderline Personality Disorder can bump up your legal costs by dragging out the divorce proceedings. They may refuse to hand over personal property that is deemed yours.

Some solicitors send a paralegal to oversee the actual packing up of their client’s personal property. This prevents any interactions of their client with the spouse with BPD. They may try to hang on to you by throwing a spanner in the works whenever possible such as by causing delays with submitting needed records. Leave emotion out and keep to your boundaries.

When there are children in the marriage, safeguards need to be put into place. Kids can be used as pawns to punish the spouse who is departing.

Careful documentation is helpful to show neglect, parental alienation or other parenting problems. There may be a formal custody evaluation performed with interviewing other adults in the kids’ lives to determine the percentage of shared care for each parent.

Post-divorce, keep records of communication from the parent with BPD. A person with BPD may be mandated to get therapy and can turn their lives around. People who put the effort into therapy can be good parents and marriage partners.

Divorce with spouses with Borderline Personality Disorder who are not in treatment, can a nightmare. Ask potential divorce professionals if they are experienced in dealing with this type of person and what type of divorce that they recommend.

The people I talked with had Clean Breaks with former partners with Borderline Personality Disorder and had no communication with them afterwards.

About Wendi

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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coping and dealing with divorce

Children Coping and Dealing with Divorce – 10 Ways to Help your Kids Cope

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Lauren Alicia
Author Lauren Alicia

Author Lauren Alicia gives some expert advice on how to support your children throughout your divorce, from the perspective of the kids themselves:

  1. Let us know that you both needed to do what was best for you, right now. One of the most common phrases for kids of divorce to hear, often never leads to any answers or healing, “It’s not your fault (that we are getting a divorce).” Sometimes the reason behind this is…we never thought it was our fault, so in throwing that out there, it can add to the confusion. Our relationship with you never ends, help us understand in some way that this decision is for the best, even if it doesn’t look like it right now.
  1. Encourage us to be honest about how we really feel. Take your ego out of the conversation, allowing our healing from divorce to be about us. Your healing is yours; ours is ours. Sometimes we don’t heal because we are afraid to be honest about the truth. When I finally began to process my parents’ divorce, my honesty (no filter) helped me understand what I had already lived through, and gain wisdom versus continuing in bitterness from ignoring the truth/acting like I wasn’t hurt and/or influenced in some way.
  1. You haven’t failed because we need to be healed by something you both decided for our family.Give us time, and teach us about (eventually) appreciating our circumstances.
  1. Understand that we are all rebuilding— in a place that we never imagined would need restructuring. While you can get another mate, my dad will always be my dad and my mom will always be my mom, no matter who gets added to our family.
  1. Our relationship in this new space needs more effort. We don’t need to feel like we’re the only ones trying to maintain the connection we were accustomed to.
  1. Don’t sugar coat or fake the funk… because parents are our first example of what a relationship looks like. Statistics tend to not give kids of divorce a fair shake. Deciding that a high percentage of us will always have relationship issues. When in reality, it is not the relationship part we have issues with… it is the whole not being healed from “whatever” before we enter relationships.
  1. Don’t be the reason we turn to daddy/mommy issue dating. I say that with all seriousness. Make sure we don’t feel like we lack your love, compassion, provision or anything else that we’ve always counted on, and decide to go searching for it in a mate… Regardless of how much we may remind you of each other, good or bad, remind us that divorce does not change our DNA.
  1. Let us know that we can’t change people. In my healing process, I wrote letters to my experiences, not to the people involved. One of the best ways in being able to move forward was looking at what I could change. I gained so much perspective and understanding when I was able to uncover my relationship /feelings about divorce, truth, love, etc.
  1. Give us hope. Not hope that you will get back together… but hope that all marriages don’t end in divorce, that we can have healthy relationships, that both of you can be in the same room, etc.
  1. Some say families can never be broken… Make sure we feel that and not just hear it!

++Bonus: It is OKAY if your kids HATE divorce!! And it is OKAY if they don’t!! We appreciate knowing that we have a choice.

About Lauren

Lauren Alicia (Michigan native) is the author of “Dear Divorce, Thank You (Even Though I Hate You) Sincerely, My Parents’ Grown Kid: A Journey Of Hate, Healing And Understanding.”

Alicia is a Parsons the New School for Design graduate, business/design enthusiast, blogger and collaborator, allowing her experiences to evolve into the reality she always imagined.

Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram for more updates.

Article by Lauren Alicia for Deardivorcethankyou.com

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Society Supporting Children of Divorce

Society Supporting Children of Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Society is not always putting children’s interests first in other people’s divorces, and sometimes side with a parent.

They do not understand the affect that their actions have on the children when meddling in others’ affairs.

The key is to be cognizant that you were not present behind closed doors, and were not privy to exactly what occurred.

One witnesses the mask of an adult’s public persona which may hide a much darker side.

An example of this is, my son was asked by a friend to be a character witness when he was trying to get custody of his children away from his late wife’s parents.

He did do this and later was appalled when discovering the father was a sociopath who manipulated others and did atrocious acts. The moral of this story is to let the professionals sort out a situation and do not assume you know all of the facts.

Believe the children. When a few children showed me bruises and discussed abuse or neglect, I immediately called the police in my role as school nurse. I did not say, “Oh, their parents would never do that” because this is how some clergy and pillars of the community are able to molest kids.

One youngster was molested by a parent and confided this to his long-term Martial Arts instructor who was active in a child protection organization.

He flat out told the boy he was lying because he knew his father and he would not do such a thing. This crushed the young student who dropped out of that activity. You may think a kid is trying to get attention and the allegation is not true, but do not say that to the child. The child’s best interest is the most important thing, not someone else’s reputation.

society supporting children of divorce
Society Supporting Children of Divorce

Do not agree to be a messenger service for a parent who is estranged or the court denied them contact.

One parent who lost visitation, repeatedly sent his friends to his teenager’s workplace. They pumped the boy for information about his family or said how sad his dad was. Others tried to bribe the son to resume seeing his dad.

This puts a child on the spot and is disruptive when being on the job. The teen is trying to be professional and does not want to discuss an abusive history with strangers or acquaintances.

When I was dining in my favourite restaurant post-divorce with my kids, the owner came over and said that he had a message to deliver from my ex.

This took me by surprise and upset the boys. I did not listen to it, told this friend not to play middleman again, and to refuse to take on the messenger role in the future. He actually was relieved.

If you witness verbal abuse towards a child of divorce, please step in and intervene. One mum was livid when the parents present did not help her son at a Boy Scout Meeting.

The scout master was a good friend of the boy’s father and was continually telling him he was behaving badly towards that parent.

One evening he screamed at the child and accused him of being disrespectful to his dad. The lad became hysterical and my friend had to rush over and pick up her son. Both collaborative solicitors accepted the therapist’s advice to drop scouts.

At school, I occasionally overhear pupils asking a kid about an absent parent. I quickly change the subject and bring up a topic, such as the upcoming science fair or school concert. When you see a child of divorce is uncomfortable or is in a bad spot, please come to their aid.

Personify kindness and be non-judgemental when being around children of divorce.

Do not try to reunite a child with a parent as that is not your business. Be supportive to children and let them know you are happy to listen. A divorce is between two adults and is not a free-for-all, with others getting involved. Hold your opinions and judgements when talking to children of divorce, especially when it is about their parents.

If people think before they open their mouths in general, the world would be a better place.

Wendi Schuller - Global Guide to Divorce

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Global Guide to Divorce

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Web site is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Divorce, Children and Pets

Pets Help Children Get Through Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Pets can play a big role in helping children get through their parents’ divorces.

While parents do give unconditional love, a pet is a more neutral family member who listens to complaints and confidences.

Children can pour out their problems to the cat or dog and not have to worry about adding an additional burden to their already stressed out parents. Various studies have indicated that being around a pet has health benefits, such as reducing stress and lowering cortisol.

There is ongoing research studying how pets boost the owner’s immune system. Divorce is a turbulent time for the whole family and helping kids to be less stressed is a plus.

Pets give their undivided attention and are fully present in the moment with the little humans. They can sit in silence and not need to fill a void with conversation.

I was with my sons, but rooting around records trying to find a specific financial statement or figuring out my average monthly expenditures to give our financial advisor during collaborative divorce. The cats fully focused on the boys, while my attention wavered.

A big, friendly orange cat got my youngest through our acrimonious divorce. He listened, and did not lecture. He purred instead of giving advice.  A tuxedo feline listened to my older son.  Cats and dogs do not criticise the other parent or burst into tears. Kids may require extra physical contact during divorce and pets are ready to give this type of support. Our cats cuddled the boys and stayed with them as they drifted off to dreamland every night.

Children get through divorcePets help foster a sense of responsibility.

Kids are pushed around by adults and having to do pet care gets them grounded. Being responsible for someone else’s welfare and well-being gives meaning to their lives.  Taking care of animals takes the focus off their own problems and puts it on to nurturing someone else. Being responsible for the cats was a welcome distraction from the chaotic atmosphere of our divorce.

Divorce dramatically alters the kids’ schedules and the routine of pet care gives constancy to their lives. It makes life more predictable when their world is topsy-turvy. The kids may get up in the morning, feed the animals, walk the dog or throw around a cat’s toy mouse. Then there is a routine for after school with the pets. Kids feel more settled when they know what to expect and have some routines.

Animals play a part in helping humans feel more connected to others.

There are resident cats in nursing homes who interact with the patients. Some libraries and schools have a program where struggling students read books to dogs.

The youngsters are more relaxed and the canines are non-judgemental. If you do not have a pet, let your kids spend time with your mum’s cat or your friend’s dog. These animals can be nurturing and be the recipient of hearing your children’s woes. Turtles, hamsters, fish and so forth can also be beneficial to kids with divorce.

Children may have a favourite stuffed animal friend who goes with them between the parental homes. Animals can enable the divorce process to be a little easier for the children.

ABOUT THE AUTHORWendi Schuller - Global Guide to Divorce

 

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certied in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

Her other book is The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce. Web site is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Adult Children of Divorce

Helping Adult Children of Divorce Cope with Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Adult offspring are sometimes an overlooked group when it comes to divorce.  Support is given to youngsters with more people looking out for them, such as teachers and coaches.

Although adult offspring may have encouraged unhappy parents to split – it is not okay to utilize them as sounding boards or guidance counsellors.

Parents can fall into the trap of using their grown up kids as a confidant.

Thirty years post-divorce, my friend’s father felt the need to spill the ugly details of the reason behind their divorce. Lena vaguely remembered something about her mum had an affair. Hearing the lurid tales about it was quite upsetting, with her dad stating that he was only telling her this “To set the record straight.”

These big kids are not to be privy to divorce details even years later, when in their fifties.

Although they are adults, these individuals are still dealing with divorce issues. These sons and daughters may be losing their family home which is jarring even when living many kilometres away. This means sorting through their childhood memorabilia in the midst of angry parents divvying up personal assets.

They need some space away from both parents. Having distance is helpful in processing their mixed emotions, especially if the divorce news was a jolt out of the blue.

Adult Children of Divorce
Helping adult children of divorce cope with divorce

An adult son or daughter may appear to have it altogether, but can be hurt little kids inside. Do not assume they are alright – ask if they are okay.

They may be afraid to burden you with their unresolved issues, so encourage them to express their feelings to friends. Having a talk with their godparent or older family friend can be therapeutic. If they are floundering, a divorce coach can help them deal with the divorce situation.

Just as with young ones, do not criticize their other parent, or make it seem as if they have to choose sides. Do not ask them to deliver messages or put them on the spot with questions about the other parent.

If you are divorcing their step-parent do not put them down. Your child has their own separate relationship with a step-parent and may desire continuing it after the divorce. They do not want to shut the door to it, by becoming your cheering squad during your divorce.

I know of a few biological parents who tried to coerce their adult offspring to end step-parent relationships by insinuating it was a matter of loyalty. That does not work.

Your adult offspring may have their own youngsters who are trying to come to terms with the divorce. Reassure your grandchildren that they are not losing grandparents, but will see you separately. You will still have fun times. Think about continuing the rituals that they enjoy doing with you.

It may be baking holiday goodies or puttering around in the garden. Some newly divorced grandparents encouraged the parents to take some holidays away together while they stayed and babysat. Their single status gave them more flexibility in taking care of grandchildren. Others take a grandchild on a short jaunt (with written parental permission).

It will take a load off your son or daughter’s mind if they realize their parents are coping well after a late in life divorce.

Let them know about the fun times you are having and the fascinating people you are meeting. Then they do not feel that they have to be your source of entertainment.

Moving on and showing others that you are enjoying your new life is a gift to your children. They have enough on their plate without constantly worrying about how you are doing post-divorce.

Reassure your adult offspring that you are fine. Think about having an adventure such as ticking a destination off your Bucket List.

Wendi Schuller - Global Guide to Divorce

About Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certied in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

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Returning to Work
/

Helping Children Cope with Returning to Work after Divorce?

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This is part 4 of a series of posts by Sandra Russell on how to get back to work after divorce.  You can read part 1 – Why Stay-At-Home Parents Are Advised To Go Back To Work After Divorce and part 2 here – How To Find Your Preferred Working Pattern and part 3 – Where to look for the Type of Work you Want

Sandra Russell Heads of Graysons’ Family Team

Sandra Russell
Head of
Graysons’ Family Team

 

Divorce is already a time of huge upheaval for your children, one that requires its own unique protective strategies.

The impact will depend on their age and level of understanding.

Adding to this your return to work – particularly if you’ve been the main caregiver – and you will need some tactics in place to mitigate the extra effects and maintain stability for them.

Think about drafting up a parenting plan so that you and your ex can help your kids feel more secure and confident.

We take some common pain points for divorced and newly-working parents and suggest workarounds:

The School Run:

  • Always make sure your children know who is picking them up and when, especially when your ex is involved. Make a rota and stick to it.
  • Consider asking your employer for a start time to fit around the morning drop-off. It’s the more rigid timing of the two runs, since afterschool clubs can always accommodate your work-related absence later in the day.
  • Co-ordinate with other local parents: can they pick up your kids on set days, in exchange for you babysitting or hosting playdates on your free days?

returning to work after divorceMealtimes:

  • Always batch cook and freeze ahead. Your kids’ mental health may suffer during your divorce – so their appetites may be affected. Fall back on fail-safe favourites (as long as they’re healthy) that you know they’ll eat, and make double or triple the quantity for days when you’re out working and don’t have time to cook it fresh.
  • Plan your meals and agree a rota with your ex. This ensures your children get a varied, healthy diet, no matter which parent they’re with. It also cuts down on ‘what shall we eat’ panics: if you know what you’re cooking and when, you can always stock for the right ingredients. This reduces the chance of emergency unhealthy takeaways.
  • Consider a delivery service. There are plenty of companies running services to deliver fresh, healthy meals, or the exact ingredients to cook them up.
  • Do your grocery shopping online, and get it delivered. Now you’re back at work, do you have a spare couple of hours to run around the supermarket, solo, with your kids? Cut out the stress, order your shop online in your lunch break and get it delivered for a time that suits you.

Other activities:

  • Similar to the school run, co-ordinate responsibility for out of school activities with your ex. Make sure your children can carry on doing all the clubs and sports they did before both your divorce and your return to work. This will give them consistency throughout this transitional period.
  • Routine is good – but you can still do surprises. If you’re sharing residency or just contact with your ex, a new job can give you another life outside of caregiving. Surprisingly, work can be a welcome break for many divorced parents. Use the change in pace to bring the best version of your parenting self and throw in the odd spontaneous treat.

What to Consider if you have Pre-school Children

Divorce and pre-school kids: that’s a stressful situation! This is one of the most intense and difficult periods of childhood – for them and for you.

Add in the logistics of either sharing access or solo parenting plus a return to work, and it’s a perfect storm.

Depending on the age of your pre-schooler, you’ll need to consider childcare options when you return to work. If you’re working freelance at home, will you have them at home or have them looked after by family, nursery or a childminder?

Can your ex take them? If you’re working outside the home, who will look after them, and can you afford the fees?

Remember that in England, you currently get 15 hours free childcare a week per child from the term after they turn 3. The Government plans to extend this to 30 hours, but it won’t hit many areas until 2017 (unless you live in one of the pilot areas, where the increased hours may be available in 2016).

What to consider if you have school-age children

Returning to work when your kids are at school means two things: the school run, and time to work while they’re not there: a double-edged sword.

It’s a good idea to investigate after-school clubs and what other working parents do at your school. Can you take turns for after-school care? Can family or your ex help with either the school run or after-school care?

Sandra heads Graysons’ family team.  She qualified as a solicitor in April 1994, having obtained her law degree at Sheffield University. She has specialised exclusively in family law ever since.

She is personally recommended in the Legal 500 2015 as being ‘committed, focused and confident’.

Sandra became a Resolution accredited specialist in January 2000 and qualified as a collaborative family lawyer in April 2009.  Her accredited areas are advanced complex financial and property matters and domestic abuse.

Sandra is passionate about helping couples to resolve their disputes in a non-adversarial, respectful manner; focusing on the needs of their children and re-enforcing the importance of conflict avoidance.  She finds collaborative work particularly rewarding in guiding clients through their individual separation journeys so they can look towards a brighter future.

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