helping children cope with divorce

Supporting Your Child Through Divorce: The Role of Play Therapy

Published on April 10, 2026March 24, 2026

Shelley Coleman
Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist
Regional Liaison -The Texas Association of Play Therapy

“This is a war. The farm animals are fighting the ocean animals.” says my 7 year old client as she creates an elaborate battle scene in the sand tray. “The cat is in the middle” she further explains as she gingerly places the cat amidst the waring animals.

In my therapeutic playroom, the sand-tray allows for sharing in a protected space that a child may not otherwise have. As a Play Therapist, I have the privilege of working with children of various developmental stages who are experiencing parental separation or divorce. The play room allows for a child to freely express themselves through play. As children choose toys and play activities, they can share their world with the therapist.

In simple terms, play is the language of children. This concept is best explained by Landreth (2002) in Play therapy: The art of the relationship and is the basis for Play Therapy. It is through play that children make sense of the world itself. They explore relationships, solve problems, learn to regulate their emotions, and navigate transitions or challenges.

The benefits of Play Therapy are well researched and include the following…

Helps children better understand and express feelings
Reduces behaviour problems and improves coping skills
Helps to process loss and transitions
Improves caregiver-child relationships
Improves adjustment outcomes

For families experiencing a transition like divorce, play therapy can be a resource for both the child and the caregivers. Even in the most amicable divorces, I see children feeling confused or in the “middle” between households. At times, a child may feel out of control and need to assert their control in the play room by directing the play or directing the therapist. Or, a child may need a therapeutic space to make sense of their changing household.

In the event of parental separation or divorce, the play therapist is not only a support to the child, but to the caregivers as well. In fact, play therapy can improve communication between parents and children around difficult events like divorce (Hirschfeld & Wittenborn, 2016). And, some specialised forms of Play Therapy have been demonstrated to strengthen the child-caregiver relationship and positively impact children’s behaviour (Fernando et al., 2011).

In my own practice, I work with caregivers at varying stages of divorce including co-parenting post divorce and blending families. Though the child is the primary client, a Play Therapist provides valuable psychoeducation around developmentally appropriate ways parents can support their child. Specifically a Play Therapist can provide..

Education around making transitions between homes smooth
Education around behaviours that are or are not developmentally appropriate
Ways to improve parent child relationships
Ways to limit the child’s involvement in parental conflict

The benefits of play therapy for children experiencing a life transition like divorce are well researched. It is not uncommon for children to feel out of control, confused, or blame themselves for the divorce. Play therapy provides a way for a child to freely express these feelings and process them with the help of a trusted therapist. In addition, a Play Therapist can support the caregivers and provide valuable resources during a time of transition.

Resources for this article

Book citation (APA):

Landreth, G. L. (2002). Play therapy: The art of the relationship. Brunner-Routledge.

Bratton, S. C., Ray, D., Rhine, T., & Jones, L. (2005). The efficacy of play therapy with children: A meta-analytic review of treatment outcomes.
Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 36(4), 376–390.

Hirschfeld, M. R., & Wittenborn, A. K. (2016). Emotionally Focused Family Therapy and Play Therapy for Young Children Whose Parents Are Divorced.

Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 57(2), 133–150.

Fernando, D., Jayne, K., Lindo, N., Purswell, K., & Dillman Taylor, D. (2011). The Impact of Child Parent Relationship Therapy on Child Behavior and Parent-Child Relationships: An Examination of Parental Divorce.
International Journal of Play Therapy, 20(3), 124–137.

About Shelley Coleman

Shelley Coleman is a Licensed Professional Counsellor and Supervisor (LPC-S) as well as a Registered Play Therapist and Supervisor (RPT-S). She has 18 years of clinical experience, 10 years of business management experience, and 23 years of parenting experience. Shelley’s private practice serves children, adolescents and families. She provides parent education, play therapy, child and adolescent therapy, and family therapy. She is trained in EMDR, Play Therapy, TF-CBT, New Ways for Families, and PCIT. Shelley was the 2022-2023 President of the Hill Country Chapter of the Texas Association of Play Therapists and currently serves as Regional Liaison to the Texas Association of Play Therapists.

Visit website.

Children of Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

“They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth

Published on October 3, 2025August 22, 2025

Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried.

As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realise how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I looked like I was fine. Inside, I was just surviving.

In my twenties, my mom gently pointed out that I seemed to overreact to little things. She was right. I felt edgy, overwhelmed, and ashamed of how easily I snapped. I had no idea what was going on with me. Was it my parents’ divorce and conflict? My father’s and stepmother’s toxic behavior toward my mom and me, and their need for control? Had this unstable and neglectful environment affected me so much? Yes, apparently it had.

But here’s the thing: children don’t always show the effects of divorce right away. On the outside, I looked like I was managing. I went to school, had friends, did what I was “supposed” to do. I even made it to university, earned my first degree, and completed a post-grad programme.

That’s what adults often see as resilience in kids during divorce: a child carrying on, coping, adapting. What’s harder to see is the cost of that coping.

My story isn’t unique. Many children of divorce appear to be “fine” while silently carrying pain that surfaces years later. And that’s why I want to pause on the phrase we all hear, and sometimes even say ourselves: “Kids are resilient.”

Therapy and Understanding

Four and a half years of therapy later, I began to understand myself better. I wasn’t just “reactive.” I was having trauma responses. My nervous system had learned to survive chaos, and all the emotions I had stuffed away were finally demanding to be felt.

That’s what unresolved childhood pain and anxiety look like. It doesn’t always surface immediately; it comes out later in our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships.

And yet, through it all, I kept hearing the same refrain: “They’ll be fine. Kids bounce back”.

The truth? Resilience doesn’t mean untouched. It doesn’t mean unaffected. It means that for some children, they survive, but survival can carry invisible scars that take years to heal.

Why We Say It

If you’re a parent going through a separation or divorce, especially a high-conflict one, you’ve probably said it too: “ the kids will be okay,” or you really hope they will be.

It slips out almost automatically, a way to calm the fear of not knowing how deeply this might be affecting your child. We don’t always say it because it’s true. We say it because we need it to be.

And those messages don’t just come from inside us. They echo all around us, through friends, family, teachers, even strangers:

“They’ll adjust.”
“Kids are tough.”
“My cousin’s kids turned out fine.”

Society, too, is uneasy with grief, conflict, and uncertainty. It feels safer to lean on comforting shortcuts than to sit with the reality that children might be struggling. That’s why “Kids are resilient” becomes our shield.

A Psychological Shortcut

When I was studying for my thanatology degree, I learned about Terror Management Theory (TMT), sometimes explained more simply as the Anxiety Buffer Theory. The core idea is this: when painful truths feel unbearable, our minds cling to beliefs that make the world feel less threatening.

Take divorce, for example. Parents often reassure themselves with, “They’ll adjust.” And while it’s true that children can adapt, this belief often functions as a protective shield for the parent. It eases guilt, fear, and shame about the impact divorce may have on their kids. The danger is that it can keep us from seeing what children really need: emotional safety, reassurance, and consistent support.

We do this in other areas of life, too. Imagine hearing that a neighbour has been diagnosed with lung cancer. A common first response is, “Were they a smoker?” If the answer is yes, it reduces our anxiety; we can tell ourselves the illness was linked to a choice, which makes us feel safer. But if the answer is no, the truth feels scarier, because it reminds us that illness can strike anyone, even without warning.

What If They’re Not Fine?

Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, does affect children. It touches:

Their nervous system
Their sense of safety
Their ability to trust
Their beliefs about love and conflict

Not every child shows it right away. Some hold it together because they think that’s their role. But holding it in doesn’t mean they’re okay.

Resilience isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s built through emotional safety, consistency, validation, and supportive relationships.

What Children Need

If you’re navigating divorce, here’s how to support real resilience:

Emotional Safety: Let them feel all their emotions, anger, sadness, relief, without trying to fix them.
Consistency: Keep routines where you can. Predictability is grounding.
Honest Reassurance: Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them they’re loved. Explain what will stay the same.
Permission to Love Both Parents (if safe): Kids should never feel like they have to choose sides.
Therapeutic Support: Even short-term counseling can give children tools and language to process what’s happening.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up, reflect, and let them know it’s safe to be real with you.

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

Parents usually don’t say it to dismiss their kids. They say it to survive their pain. The alternative, that our choices or circumstances might hurt our children, is heavy. But pain doesn’t vanish when we deny it. It resurfaces later, often in ways we don’t expect.

My mom probably didn’t know. It was the 1970s, and back then, people assumed divorce was just between the adults and that kids would simply bounce back. She did her best with what she had, and I hold a lot of compassion for what she went through without much support.

But today, we know better. The effects are real. It’s time to let go of the shortcut phrases, “kids are resilient,” “they’ll bounce back,” as ways to comfort ourselves. Research is clear: resilience isn’t automatic. Children don’t just bounce back from divorce, especially in high-conflict situations. Resilience has to be nurtured through emotional safety, consistency, and support.

The hopeful part? Research also shows that most children can and do turn out well when they have even one supportive parent who shows up consistently and provides a secure base. One safe, steady relationship can be enough to anchor them and foster resilience.

Children deserve more than survival; they deserve healing. Resilience isn’t something they magically possess. It’s something we help them build. And the first step is awareness: not assuming they’ll be fine, but committing to helping them become so.

References

Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 29, 61–139.
https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60016-9
Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227

Disclaimer: This blog reflects my personal experiences and research. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you or your children are struggling during or after divorce, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for support.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Children of Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions

Published on September 26, 2025August 18, 2025

Mental health expert Noel McDermott examines what our children need through periods of transition; it’s first important to understand what we mean psychologically by a transition. A transition isn’t just a change of something, it is a change that requires an emotional adjustment. To some extent this type of change, a transition, is mediated by age and experience, but there are also some types of change that require an insight into transition, or adjustment needs, for all of us and especially kids. Transition needs affect humans in general and are linked to deep needs we have connected to survival mechanisms. These transition issues generally fall into 3 categories often called central life circumstances:

Home – place of safety and survival
Love relations – family, close friends, romantic partner
Work – meaningful productive activity that is social and has survival outcomes (school, workplace, university)

Changes to these areas will likely produce transitional phenomena which are behavioural and emotional disturbances that might see A) a reversion to previous coping mechanisms (regression) or B) the development of new coping mechanisms (adaptations.) Typically coping mechanisms are designed to manage distress and some will be fine and some might be upsetting or even destructive. Types of coping mechanisms or soothing mechanisms in younger kids that we accept as normal might be:

Being clinging
Being grizzly emotionally
Thumb sucking, return to pacifier
Holding on to ‘blankie’

If age appropriate we don’t notice these and assume correctly they will grow out of it, but when they are a little older and we see these behaviours suddenly emerge again, which they can and do through transitions, we might get worried. But, regression is normal when the three central life circumstances are affected as are adaptions. The key question is are they doing something to help? Adaptations in particular may be unhelpful or what we call ‘maladaptive’. Examples might be aggression, self harming, substance misuse, excessive drinking. These might seem extreme but often they might emerge over time. More subtle forms of expressing distress in children in particular would be sleep disturbances, changes on mood, appetite, withdrawal etc.

The question is how do we reduce the risk of disturbance during transition and when it does emerge help our kids and ourselves manage it? These are some key ideas to utilise:

Normalisation – knowing and accepting that transitions can be upsetting allows us to normalise and explain to ourselves and our children what is happening. Often it’s the magnification or catastrophising of the behaviours that is the problem. When we can say, ‘oh this is normal’ during times of change we can manage things better

PPP – plan, prepare and practice. Plan: If you know the change is coming discuss it before it happens, if it’s a big change start the discussions early, some months before. Prepare: Get folk on board with organising the practicalities which facilitates normalisation, discussion and empowerment. Practice: If say moving home, go visit the new place or area. Stay there if possible for a night or two before moving etc. Build an emotional ‘on ramp’ that allows the reality of the change to be grown into, as opposed to an emotional cliff edge where you all fall off and smash into the rocks of the new reality below

Increase soothing and support for all before during and after the change. More movie nights on the sofa, more self care, more massages, more spa days, more friends and fun, more family meets and openness about feelings, tell the school, work and all support networks about the transition and ask for understanding

Refocus on the four corners of health and wellbeing:

Nutrition (hydration) – eat well and regularly (in between the movie night binges of course!)
Sleep and rest regularly
Get moving and exercise
Manage stress with relaxation, massage, meditation

Often adapting these approaches will not only take the sting out, but it will also mean you have no discernible negative transition issues. Or if you do have them, they are less intense and of shorter duration. If there is a history in your children or yourself of mental health issues, eating disorders, addiction etc then it is super important to focus on support and also developing individual plans for those involved around relapse prevention; for example should a mental health professional be brought in to help, should medication be used prophylactically to reduce the risk of relapse?

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

Children of Divorce

Separate But United – Parenting Post-Divorce

Published on August 8, 2025August 7, 2025

Richard Bromfield, Ph.D.
Clinical Faculty Member
Harvard Medical School

On a gorgeous spring day, a friend and I walked my dog down Newbury Street in Boston. We passed by a sidewalk café where a young girl sat with her father, eating sundaes, which were what first caught our attention. Two empty chairs were full of shopping bags.

“Divorced father,” my friend said as matter-of-factly as if he’d identified a Dalmatian dog or a vintage ’65 Mustang. Who knows if my friend was right? If I had to bet, though, I’d go with his hunch.

I suspect the majority of divorced fathers do not take their daughters out for lunch and fancy shopping sprees every weekend. But many of the divorced fathers I’ve worked with try to make their time with their children fun. It is often at the father’s place that kids seem to watch movies that aren’t allowed with their moms, eat foods that aren’t allowed at home, and stay up later than they should. You get the picture.

And, of course–I can hear the thunderous protests–political correctness and reality require my proviso that sometimes it’s the other way around, meaning stricter fathers and more indulgent mothers.

When children spend less time at your home and with you, there is a tendency to make the most of it. This fosters an unnatural and unhealthy disequilibrium where the primary home is left to discipline, set limits, establish structure, hold expectations, and perform the harder necessities of family life. The “visitation” home becomes the place for everything else. Divorce can make the “removed” parent feel less central, critical, and essential to the children’s daily life and caring. Not always, of course, but sometimes.

The child, however, needs their parents to be parents and do the important parenting stuff just as much as ever, probably more now. The child needs that parent to be there for all of the things that the same parent might do in an intact home and marriage. Both parents need to nurture, feed, care, support, inspire, and discipline. The out-of-the-primary home parent must be careful that, even when they have limited visitation, they build in room and space for the essentials of everyday life, whether it’s toothbrushing or getting the math problems done or doing that ten minutes of reading or, just as necessary sometimes, to be in conflict that needs resolving. In some ways, a child’s not getting that stuff is tantamount to losing that parent.

If overindulgence is an issue, it’s an issue, divorce notwithstanding.

Spouses who are divorced can have a wide range of difficulty negotiating and communicating around family life (the same difficulty they had while married). Strive to get over it, or at least, create enough space to discuss, problem-solve, and implement parenting plans in collaboration. Children do not need their parents to be in perfect synchrony. The goal is not for two parents to live and parent as one.

Do your utmost to uphold your end of the parenting equation, even if you dislike your ex. If, for example, your ex confronts you about having no bedtimes for your elementary-school-aged children, try looking in the mirror and being candid with yourself before going into a rant about what you judge to be your ex’s uptight and critical view of parenting. Even if the two of you couldn’t get along, could your ex maybe be right that you have difficulty getting the kids to bed at a reasonable time? Even if, in your opinion, your ex fails to do so much else, can you possibly note and say Good job for the way they managed some situation with your child?

Strive to do what’s needed, regardless of what your ex does. Children know the score, and at the end of the day (more like in adulthood), they will acknowledge the good parenting that came their way. Resist battling via the children. Avoid competing for their love with lenience or indulgence. This is sure to cause your children harm, sometimes big harm, and instill all the wrong messages about love, relationships, and life. Divorce itself shakes a child’s world.

Children who undergo divorce want to know that their relationships with both parents are strong and secure and not susceptible to bribery. Love me enough, to not just buy me things, but to deal with the real (parenting) stuff I need to grow well.

In my experience, I have seen several fortunate sets of divorcing and divorced parents who’ve taken their life transition as a challenge to their parenting, specifically their indulging of their children. These parents took the divorce as an opportunity not just to separate from their spouse, but to reassess their parenting. They each recognised that the guilt, pain, and distraction of divorce can lead to more lenient, aimless, and indulgent parenting, especially as the hurt of a divorce makes husband and wife, father and mother, needier for their children’s love and attention. Instead of surrendering to those untoward forces, these parents committed to a joint enterprise of guarding against their competition for the child’s affection and approval.

If there’s one single Golden Rule for divorced parents, it is to try one’s best to respect and honour the child’s love for the other parent. Nothing can make a child feel more loved by and devoted to one parent than that parent’s allowing the child to love the other parent.

I realise that this expects a lot, maybe too much of people who have experienced a lot of hurt. But what else is there to do?

About Richard Bromfield

Richard Bromfield is a clinical faculty member of Harvard Medical School, he is author of Playing for Real: Exploring Child Therapy and the Inner Worlds of Children and How to Unspoil Your Child Fast (2025).

Children of Divorce/Divorce News/Family Mediation/No Fault Divorce UK/Step-Parenting/Well-being

Help Shape the Future of Support for Separated Families

Published on August 1, 2025

Dr Soila Sindiyo
Counselling Psychologist and Founding Editor of The Divorce Magazine

We’ve been contacted by Dr Sarah Foley, Lecturer in Developmental Psychology at the University of Edinburgh, about an exciting new research project exploring parenting after divorce or separation.

The Parenting After Divorce or Separation Study aims to better understand family life and children’s wellbeing in different post-separation child arrangements, particularly in families who have not gone through the court system.

This research will help inform future support for separated parents and their children, filling an important gap in what we know about post-separation family experiences.

Who Can Take Part?

The research team is looking to hear from parents who:

Have children aged 4–8
Live in Scotland or England
Are comfortable taking part in English
Have been separated for at least six months
Have regular contact with their child
Do not have a court-ordered child arrangement

What’s Involved?

If you take part, you’ll be asked to:

Join a confidential online interview and complete a survey
Optionally involve your child in child-friendly storytelling or game-based activities

(These are completely optional and designed to be fun and engaging for children)

Participation is entirely voluntary and confidential.

How to Get Involved

If you meet the criteria above, or know someone who does, you can learn more and register your interest here.

For questions about the study, you can contact Dr Sarah Foley directly at:
sarah.foley@ed.ac.uk

We’ll be sharing the findings of this important research once the study is complete. By taking part, you’ll be helping to build a deeper understanding of how separated families live, parent, and thrive, and how support can be improved in the future.

Children of Divorce/Step-Parenting

When You’re Becoming a Stepparent, Be Present and Patient

Published on August 1, 2025July 30, 2025

Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

When you’re partnering with someone who already has a child, you can expect to play a significant role in that child’s life. As you move in with and marry your partner, your involvement with their child is likely to increase. The child may not feel comfortable with you immediately, and it’s OK to take it slow. Patience, compassion and steadiness make a big difference.

Starting slow as a new parental figure

Children appreciate when adults take an interest in them. While you’re first getting to know your partner’s kids, observe the family dynamics and learn what the kids are like as individuals. You may not need to be hands-on at first. Just be present and actively witness what their family life is like. Gradually become part of it.

You might be inclined to give the children treats as a way of gaining their goodwill. However, spoiling them can make you a “Disneyland stepparent” — with your partner doing the hard work of child care, while you’re there for TV, ice cream and outings. This won’t be a good long-term dynamic, as it sets unrealistic expectations and leaves everyone frustrated.

At an early stage in your stepparenting role, you can simply affirm or gently enforce existing household rules. Later, you may take a more active disciplinary role.

No one can force a child to feel a particular way about their stepparent. You can’t choose a child’s feelings nor when those feelings change. That shift may be internal and private to them, or they may share their feelings about you with other people they trust rather than conveying them to you directly.

Nonetheless, a parent can say that their child has to respect and obey their stepparent, while a stepparent can support and reinforce parent–child relationships.

Family intimacy grows over time. Hugging and other expressions of affection may happen when they seem natural or appropriate.

Meanwhile, keep putting effort into yourself and your new marriage.

Practice self-care. You matter too, and you show up best for others when you value yourself.
When you’re upset, take responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t make a child reassure you, predict your moods or accommodate your needs.
Pay attention to your spouse. It not only develops and deepens the relationship between the two of you, it enables you to show up for the kids too.
Encourage your spouse and their ex to cooperate on parenting matters. If they handle issues out of court, great. Don’t escalate drama.

Form a new sense of who you are as a family

Consciously choose your language. Your stepchild can give input on what they feel comfortable calling you — your first name or something else. This might be a part of your relationship that you can co-create.

Similarly, think about how you name your relationship to them. Originally, they were your partner’s kids. Once you’re married, you might call them your “stepkids”, but if the word “step” doesn’t feel right, maybe you refer to them as “our kids” or “the kids.”

You and your spouse should support the child’s other family relationships. Sometimes a stepparent adopts their stepchild, becoming the legal parent, after which (depending on the situation) the child may or may not have any contact with the former parent. But if the other parent will remain in the picture and you’ll remain the step-parent, you should enable appropriate parent–child contact.

It’s in the child’s best interests to keep their family connections, even if they don’t yet understand that. Respect those relationships and help preserve them. Don’t try to replace other important people in your step child’s life, especially their other parent. The child may suffer real loss when people come and go. Don’t give them a reason to resent or blame you later.

Allow your step child to have private time with both of their parents: your spouse and your spouse’s ex. Start your own unique activities with the child so they can come to understand and appreciate you as an individual.

As a married couple, when you welcome the kids back to your house after they’ve visited their other parent, respect the time they may need to settle back in. Handovers can be stressful, sad or confusing. You don’t have to pretend otherwise and push the kids to socialise if they need time to rest. Empathise, acknowledge their feelings and connect with them. And don’t interrogate the kids about what they did with their other parent.

If you’re bringing your own children to the marriage too, reassure them that your love for them won’t diminish just because you’ve remarried and have new stepchildren. Find ways you can all merge into a family. Kids of similar ages may form special bonds with each other.

Stepparenting is a role in which you’ll not only support your stepchild’s growth — you’ll grow too. Your stepparenting will be a big part of your family’s future.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

Children of Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Navigating Family Changes in a Positive Way

Published on June 27, 2025May 13, 2025

Getting a hug during times of change

One of the most important things to learn about having healthy ways of navigating change is to fully accept that a different set of rules apply to transitions for all humans. Change is perceived by our primitive functioning brain as a threat. Predictability and routine are standard elements in the prescription bundle in modern psychological therapies for treating all forms of psychological distress.

Various words are used for this, containment being a useful one in this context. When distressed we find it difficult to contain our feelings and they can spill over. Imagine your child crying due to something beyond theirs or your control, and you scoop them up and hug them into your arms and gradually the tears subside. You help them contain the distressing feelings. In some ways predictability and routine are like that for us in the background of our lives helping us navigate challenges. Imagine now during the middle of the distress you drop your child and tell them to stop being silly?

Change to our personal circumstances can feel very much like being dropped when we are distressed. So, what can we do to create a new pair of arms to help hug us when we have been dropped? Again, think about your child, somehow, they are ok simply with the hug, it’s not the circumstances that you change, but the feeling in your kid of the capacity to survive and manage. Similarly, it’s not possible to stop the change, it’s happening, but it is possible to manage the emotional distress allowing yourself and others to function better.

What are these new arms holding us?

Normalisation or forgiveness of self and others – it’s normal to be distressed during times of personal change and understanding that allows us to accept that our own behaviour and that of others is based on the distress about the situation and not a moral, personal or psychological failing. It may be that one of the reasons the change is happening is because of another’s unacceptable behaviour in the relationship for example, and it is likely to get worse during the transition. Knowing this and not being unrealistic about how well you or others will cope is crucial in lowering the distress. In the same way that you know your child will be ok in your arms, you too will be ok if held and comforted and being able to link the behaviours to the situation tells us that it will pass.

Transitional phenomena – teddy bears and comfort blankets

When our kids are growing especially during the time they begin to psychologically individuate from the primary carer they develop attachments to special toys or pieces of cloth. These special objects represent emotionally the special relationship to the primary carer and have the advantage of being portable when the carer isn’t. They can to some extent stand in for the actual comforting presence of the carer. These transitional phenomena allow our children to manage this change in reality as the carer is no longer magically available to them. So, allow yourself that or allow that in others. Try to avoid using alcohol, anger or drugs to facilitate the transition and instead stick to warm humans or the equivalent stand by. If you haven’t got an emergency teddy bear in your life, time to get one!

Empowering the embrace of change

There is a large body of evidence to show that people who feel empowered in life manage better, even when they have exactly the same circumstances as others, the outcomes are better. Whilst it is important to risk assess in intimate relationships if we can feel like we have some power over change, and circumstances we manage much better. The key task is something along the lines of accept what you can’t change and change what you can. You can’t for example, change the fact of a divorce, or the fact that the person you are divorcing is behaving in an exaggerated form of the person you wish to divorce but you can say, what is in my power to change here? Maybe you can change your health and wellbeing activities and increase your exercise? Maybe you can reduce your unhealthy coping through drink? Maybe you can engage in random acts of kindness to strangers without possibility of reward rather than spreading your gloom? Finding all these things that you can influence and do will be comforting and help you manage better

Create ritual and structure

Ritual during change is a key strategy that humans have developed through time to help manage the distress of change and unpredictability. Rituals allow us to ascribe bigger meaning to suffering and develop and maintain purpose. This has the impact of reducing both anxiety and crucially depression through loss of meaning. We are meaning making machines and we invest meaning into our relationships with others and if they change, we can lose that invested meaning… but by transferring that to something bigger we can reduce the depression relapse in our functioning. It’s unlikely that your situation has never been experienced by any other human ever before, in fact, millions will have experienced it. Doing even a cursory search you will be able to find how others through common cultural expression have developed meaning in change. You can adapt these to meet your needs.

Compassion and kindness to self

Listen to John Lennon, “whatever gets you through the night is alright” – projecting compassion reduces stress in yourself and improves everything around you—but that compassion has to start with yourself.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

Children of Divorce/Step-Parenting

Keeping Divorce Pain Out of Parenting

Published on May 5, 2025February 24, 2025

Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

When your child does or says something that reminds you of their other parent, it can stir up all kinds of mixed emotions. A certain expression, a way of laughing, or a habit that is unmistakably their other parent. In those moments, it can be easy to get pulled into fear, frustration or unresolved hurt.

Sitting back with your cup of tea in hand, you remember your choice that the love for your children has to be the guiding force through all of this, even when resentment, exhaustion, or heartache threaten to take over.

Divorce reshapes everything. One home becomes two. The quiet of shared evenings now echoes with the absence of the other parent. And the children—caught in the in-between—look to you for answers. They don’t ask outright, but they watch, listen, absorb. Their sense of security hinges on how you navigate this new landscape.

What I’ve observed in my almost 20 years in my practice is that divorce can become a battlefield, with children unwittingly caught in the crossfire. It’s tempting, in a moment of frustration, to let a sigh escape when their other parent is late again. To roll your eyes when they rave about the fun weekend they had with them. To let your disappointment seep into conversations meant to be neutral.

The truth is, your pain in this relationship ending is yours to carry, not theirs.

Your children don’t need to know about the arguments over who forgot to send the backpack or the text messages left unanswered. They shouldn’t have to decode passive-aggressive comments or feel the tension created when they mention their other parent’s name.

Children do best when they can love both parents without hesitation, without guilt, without fear or feeling like they need to have an alliance with one parent, leaving out the other.

You may have every reason to be angry, still carrying wounds that feel impossible to heal. What is also true at the same time is that for your child, their other parent is someone they love, someone who is a part of their world. And for their wellbeing, having access to both parents without tension or conflict will make all the difference in their lives.

That means keeping what belongs between you and your co-parent exactly where it should stay—between the two of you. When the tension rises, take a deep breath before responding. If the other parent fails to follow through, handle it without dragging your child into the disappointment.

It’s natural that there will be times you want to make sense of all that happened, find a friend, a therapist, a journal—anything but your child’s open, impressionable heart. They are not your allies in the war of who is the better parent. They are simply your children, and they need to be allowed to love both of their parents.

That doesn’t mean ignoring reality. Children are perceptive, and they know when things have changed. Acknowledge their feelings without making them carry yours. “I know it’s different now. I know you miss how things used to be.” Remind them that Mum and Dad will always agree on is loving you. Make it clear “You don’t have to choose. You are loved—fully, completely—by both of us.”

Your child will one day grow up and form their own conclusions about both parents. Let those conclusions be built on their experiences, not on the whispers of resentment they picked up over the years. Give them the gift of a childhood where they were free to love openly, without the burden of carrying someone else’s pain.

Co-parenting is not about proving who is the better parent. It’s about giving your child the stability they need to thrive in a world that has already shifted beneath their feet.

So when they come home talking about the amazing trip they had with their other parent, smile. Let them be excited. Let them know their happiness is never a betrayal. When they struggle with the changes, be the place where they can land softly, without judgment, without expectation, just love.

The greatest gift you can give your child after divorce isn’t a flawless parenting schedule. It’s the freedom to love both parents without the pressure to choose sides, that is something that will stay with them far beyond childhood into who they become as adults, into the relationships they build, and into the way they show up in the world.

About Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

Children of Divorce

Easter Countdown: How Co-Parents Can Best Manage School Holidays

Published on March 6, 2025

Anthony Parrish
Partner
Jones Myers

The Importance of Communication, Cooperation and Compromise

In our extensive experience, effective organisation, communication and collaboration between estranged parents are vital both during and outside school terms to ensure children’s best interests always come first.

The formula below helps to ensure stability in a shared commitment to children’s wellbeing while avoiding the court route – for which there is limited public funding – to determine arrangements.

Involve Children in Plans

During all school holidays, children will want to spend as much time as possible with both parents, their wider family including grandparents, and friends.

It is the responsibility of both parents to try to achieve this and may result in one parent spending less time with their child(ren) during the break.

Children and young people need certainty and security so let them know as far in advance as possible how, and with who, their holiday will be spent. This gives them time to adjust to any new arrangements.

Keep Talking and Communicating

Set aside your differences to always put your children’s interests first. Aim to plan school holidays as much in advance as possible so you can organise logistics such as travel, playgroups and sporting activities.

Be Flexible

In cases where a court is involved, parents will be referred to a Planning Together for Children course which helps them to understand how to put their children first while undergoing separation.

The four-hour course helps parents learn the fundamental principles of how to manage conflict and difficulties. For more information, visit this website.

Managing Special Occasions

This formula also applies to birthdays and the festive season – special occasions when parents can give their children magical memories to look back on by manging them creatively. For example, by organising a birthday celebration or outing with each parent.

When it comes to Christmas – which brings additional commitments and financial pressures – a spirit of co-operation, communication and compromise is needed more than ever for parents to work together.

Advance planning and keeping calm irrespective of challenges including bad driving conditions, or reluctant children (who find moving from one parent to another difficult, not that they don’t want to go) – is vital.

Christmas celebrations can take place at any time over the holiday to make them special for children. Parents can therefore make the magic of Christmas happen twice with Santa making two appearances with his presents.

Achieving this requires meticulous organising, allowing time to consider each other’s expectations and plans. It is also advisable to have a back-up plan in the event of an unforeseen circumstance.

Letting children know as far in advance as possible that they will have two birthdays and two Christmases gives them time to get used to the idea and look forward to it with excitement.

The Importance of Parenting Plans

Jones Myers’ dedicated, multi-award winning Children’s Department balances children’s and parents needs in wide-ranging issues.

Working closely with our clients, we devise the most suitable arrangements for children both now and in the formative years ahead. We also highly recommend that parents who split up have a Parenting Plan in place.

A Parenting Plan is a written plan which helps estranged couples to work out practical decisions in areas including communication, living arrangements, money, religion, education and emotional well-being. Providing a valuable reference point, it helps everyone involved to know what is expected of them.

The document can help ensure a degree of stability and continuity in a shared commitment to children’s wellbeing – without having to go to court.

In cases where parents need to go to court because they are unable to agree on certain issues, a judge will expect them to have started a Parenting Plan.

Helping them to record their plan and inform the family court judge what they have agreed and not agreed, it also enables parents to let the judge know areas where they need more help.

Family Law group Resolution, which promotes a non-confrontational approach to family problems, provides valuable advice for separating parents.

It is reported that babies as young as three months can be affected by negative vibes and parents who argue in front of their infant can cause them lasting damage.

When children’s futures are at stake, we recommend choosing a family lawyer like Jones Myers – who champions a non-confrontational approach to relationship breakdown and is a member of Resolution – when seeking legal advice.

Working closely with our clients, we devise the most suitable arrangements for children – both now and in the formative years ahead.

The actions and decisions of separating and divorced parents can play a formative role in ensuring their children’s emotional happiness and well-being though their journey to adulthood.

Read more articles by Anthony Parrish and Jones Myers.

About Anthony Parrish

Anthony Parrish’s extensive experience in family law spans over two decades, during which time he has developed specialisms in matters relating to children law.

A member of Jones Myers internationally renowned Children’s Department, he deals with issues relating to children, teenagers, parents (including those represented through their official solicitor) and local authorities.

His expertise also encompasses international child abduction cases and same sex relationship issues.

Children of Divorce

Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent

Published on February 10, 2025January 31, 2025

If you and your ex will co-parent your child, you’ll be in regular communication to make it happen. That means you’ll need to find new ways to speak and work together.

At least one of you will have to make big decisions for your child: where they’ll go to school, how their special needs will be supported, which religion to raise them in, and whether to pursue a complex medical treatment. Some co-parents make these kinds of decisions together. Even if you don’t, one of you will have to inform the other of the big rules that guide your child’s life.

You and your ex will also coordinate exactly when and where you’ll exchange your child, and you’ll have to notify each other if you’re running late. You’ll pass on minor details like whether your kid already ate dessert or argued with a friend.

So, even as you envision a new life apart from your ex, stay realistic about your future need to talk to them. Though you’ll no longer be spouses, you’ll have important roles in each other’s lives.

Talking with Your Ex During the Divorce Process

A split can be so emotionally painful that it’s hard to keep open lines of communication. The hurt that one of you caused the other, or that both of you caused each other, is real. Nevertheless, for parents, it’s crucial to keep talking for your child’s sake.

Ideally, both of you should try to give your child as much stability as possible until the court can order a child arrangement, which means agreeing to a parenting routine and sticking to it civilly (rather than yanking the child back and forth and arguing in front of them).

You’ll also benefit from negotiating productively so you can get a fair outcome for your child and for yourselves. In the UK, parents may use mediation, collaborative practice or arbitration to help them reach decisions out of court.

Keeping open lines of communication doesn’t mean you have to pick up the phone at any hour of the night, respond to excessive text messages, or tolerate disrespectful emails. Nor does it mean you have to tell absolutely everything to your ex or allow them to micromanage your parenting time. You each deserve some privacy and autonomy.

In fact, communicating well as co-parents involves respecting each other’s limits. It’s a great idea to explicitly set boundaries with your ex. Do your part to obey the limits in good faith, and apologise when you make a mistake. Thank your co-parent for respecting your boundaries, and calmly hold them accountable when they don’t.

Rebuilding Your Co-Parenting Dynamic for Your Child’s Sake

It’s widely recognised that it’s in a child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. Sometimes there’s a reason to exclude one parent from the child’s life, but apart from situations of parental abuse or neglect, children generally benefit from meaningful, frequent contact with both parents.

In the UK, it’s common for courts to order shared parenting, meaning that the court divides parenting time close to equally. You’ll have to follow the order, and that will entail working together with your former spouse.

While some exes remain amicable and genuinely appreciate knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives, others insist on limiting conversations to matters involving their child. If one of you wants minimal interaction, the other has to accept reality and learn to let go.

And while spouses may have once enjoyed regular contact with each other’s family members and friends, most divorcing people find that those mutual connections decrease and eventually disappear. An exception would be if one of those adults is a carer for their child.

To help grant each other a sense of freedom and privacy, some co-parents agree to use only a designated messaging app with each other. Or they may agree to refrain from mentioning each other on social media.

Divorce is no easy road, but starting today, you can strive to build a good life for yourself and your child. By putting your best foot forward and interacting in good faith with your ex, you form a new co-parenting dynamic. What you do today leads to a better tomorrow.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

Children of Divorce

Doing it For the Kids: Co-Parenting Strategies For the New Year

Published on December 11, 2024

Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Following separation, often parents start the arrangements for their shared children without much of a plan whilst the family settle into their new situation. Sometimes parents might adjust the arrangements over time until they can settle into a routine that suits the family.

Sadly, and often where there is poor communication and the co-parenting relationship is not a strong one, the arrangements later breakdown.

Cafcass, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service say that if children experience poor inter-parental relations or do not know when they are next seeing the other parent, they are more likely to worry, especially if there are long gaps between visits without an explanation. Therefore, it is important for separated parents to always put the children’s needs first, despite any differences with their former partner.

As a family lawyer, I am often approached by separated parents who seek to regulate the arrangements between them and the other parent. Before considering Court intervention, there are a number of tools available that can help separated parents to co-parent more effectively:

A Parenting Plan – Parents can work together and formulate a Parenting Plan, which is a plan negotiated and agreed between the parents setting out what the arrangements for the child / children will be. For a free Parenting Plan template, visit: www.planningtogether.cafcass.gov.uk/plan

Parenting App – Where there is conflict between parents, and they struggle to communicate, a Parenting App should be considered. There are many free and paid Parenting Apps available, and the idea is that the App is used by the parents for discussion about the children only, and it can include things like calendars, ability to make audio and video calls, share expenses, make payments and maintain a secure text communication with the other parent. Feedback from parents who have tried this have reported that limiting communication to an App has been helpful.
A parenting course. Attended alone or together, a parenting course can be a useful way for parents to gain insight about positive co-parenting and the benefits to the child / children. The courses usually consider how parents can effectively communicate and work together with the other parent to agree co-parenting arrangements without the need for Court intervention.
Mediation – If separated parents cannot agree the arrangements for the child / children, then they should consider Family Mediation. This is a process in which an independent professional trained Mediator helps the parents work out the arrangements for the children. The Mediator will help to try and find a solution which works for both parents. The process is less stressful and significantly quicker than going to Court, and Mediators work with separating parents in ways that are flexible. If separated parents do not want to be in the same space, then often remote Mediation sessions can take place.
Child Inclusive Mediation – This is a structured process which is suitable for older children where a qualified family mediator speaks to the child / children to ascertain their wishes and feelings. Where the children give permission, these wishes and feelings are then shared by the mediator with the parents in a separate feedback meeting. The parents can then use this information to agree the child arrangements moving forwards.

Conclusion

The risk to a deterioration in the child / children’s emotional wellbeing and mental health increases significantly where separated parents have a high level of conflict between them. Therefore, separated parents are encouraged to consider how they can try and work together and communicate.

Remember that as children get older, often their needs will change. Therefore, when arrangements for children are made when children are very young, sometimes those arrangements could have a limited shelf life and later need to be reviewed – another reason to try and remain amicable with the other parent, where possible.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

Images supplied by The Divorce Magazine.

Children of Divorce

Growing Up in Conflict: A Child’s Perspective on Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Published on November 21, 2024November 21, 2024

Introducing the latest transcript blog featuring a powerful interview with Despina Mavridou, an author, mediator, and lawyer, who brings a unique perspective as a child of divorce in a high-conflict environment. In this revealing conversation, Despina shares her personal experiences and the challenges of being caught in the middle between two parents, navigating feelings of guilt, loyalty, and reconciliation.

Join us as we delve into Despina’s insights on the emotional impact of divorce on children, the complexities of parent-child relationships during separation, and her journey towards healing and understanding.

Read on for the full transcript of our interview, “Growing Up in Conflict: A Child’s Perspective on Divorce.”

[Music]

Okay, welcome everybody um, to another one of our interviews here on the divorcemagazine.co.uk. Um, if you haven’t seen our website please go there, there’s so much information on the website, all to do with divorce and separation. And all our articles let’s say the, the majority of them are actually written by um, divorce professionals. The ones that are not written by divorce professionals, that means divorce coaches, psychologist, lawyers, family mediators, anybody who’s trained to work in the world of divorce, um, the ones that are not written by them are written by people who are telling us about their personal experiences of divorce.

So if you have any questions, if you’re just starting off, if you’re, in the middle of it and you have any questions, head off to The Divorce Magazine, and you will find the answers. If you don’t find the answers email me, and I will find the answer for you and I will publish it so other people can get to know about it.

So thank you so much for joining us today um, we have Despina Mavridou who is with us and it’s, going to be kind of a different, hi Despina, kind of a different um, interview because, I don’t think we have had somebody come on The Divorce Magazine and talk about their own experiences of divorce as a child. We’ve had many professionals but um, you know, you’re a divorce professional and today you’re coming wearing a different hat, which is that of a, a child or an adult? No it’s fine, is that all right?

Okay, so today we have Despina, Despina Mavridou, who is an author, a mediator, and a lawyer in Greece. She has experienced the negative effects of divorce um, when she was the age of 10 when her parents decided to separate. For many years she was in the middle of the fights between her parents, and approximately I think the age of 17, she decided that she didn’t want to see her dad anymore, and she will tell us a little bit more about that decision and how it came about. And this decision lasted for about 20 years um, but you have since reunited with your dad which you can tell us about also how it came about, I think that would be really helpful.

And then after many years of working as a lawyer, in the last four years she discovered mediation and she went into it and um, and she also discovered her passion for writing. This passion for writing led her to write her, to write her first book which is called “Mom, Dad C Can you Hear Me?” and it’s based partially on her own personal story. Despina wanted to share certain things also with her parents so that they can see what it was like for her and the feelings that she had when they were going through divorce. So working as a family mediator, in family dispute issues, she has seen how difficult it is for parents to actually step in the children’s shoes, and see the whole process of divorce from their perspective. So let’s see how we get on today and um, I’m sure and not I’m sure, I really hope that there are going to be lots of parents watching this video so that they can hear it from the child’s perspective um, what it was like to, to be in that situation of divorce with your parents.

So welcome Despina, hi thank you, and I’m really glad that I’m here with you, thank you so much, I’m, I’m I was really happy when you said about coming in to talk about this particular um, subject because as I said we don’t, we haven’t had it on The Divorce Magazine so yeah, a huge welcome to you, thank you for reaching out, okay, thank you for having me.

How old were you when your parents got divorced?

So if I can start just by asking you how old you are when your parents um, decided to divorce? Yes I, I was around 10 when all the fights started actually and then they divorce, they divorced after one, or one, or two years after they start fighting, okay, and, yes um, at the beginning I mean, I didn’t understand when they were fighting, I didn’t realise that they will go for a divorce, I didn’t even know what it means.

I didn’t, I, I wasn’t familiar with what divorce means and all this, I just uh, I knew that they were fighting, there were a lot of fights, almost every day at home the situation was not easy, and at some point they called me and they announced to me the divorce, only to me because I also have a sister who, who is seven years younger than me, so they announced that they divorce only to me, not to my sister. Right, okay. And uh, to be honest I don’t really remember the discussion what they said, I don’t remember anything about this, yeah, but I clearly remember the day that I came back from school and my, my dad was packing his things and he left. This is what I remember from that period. The, this, is the memory that remained in my mind and I still have it today, that when I was coming back from school, uh, he was packing everything to his car, and then library was empty from his books and everything, and this was really strange. It was, it brought me a lot of sadness, even now when I’m thinking about it makes me feel a bit sad because it was a little bit, I was feeling a little bit terrified, my mom was really, really sad, and I didn’t know what to do.

I was feeling really trapped, if I can say it, sad, trapped and uh, helpless, and very insecure, very insecure. Yeah, and because I had a really good relationship with him because you know, sometimes the balance at home are different when during a marriage maybe the kids are more, you know, the dad is the good guy, the mom is the one that has to, you have to do the homework with the children, and she has to put all to, to have the boundaries and everything, so this was the, the relationship that I had with him, he was the more calm the, the good cop, he was the good cop, and my mom was the bad cop. So when the good cop leaves the home, and you are left with a bad cop, yeah, you feel, you don’t know how the things will go. Yeah. You feel you feel really alone. Yeah. listening to you say you know relate that story of coming home, and um, finding your dad packing his stuff, and I’m thinking how confusing! I feel now and I wasn’t even there and I’m an adult, you know just arriving and seeing everything changing, within, you know, it sounds like it happened so fast, everything just, yes, yes, because actually they announced the divorce the day before, I mean I don’t remember exactly the, how many days passed, but I remember that they told me about the divorce and then, after one day, two days, I don’t remember but it was a really short period of time, that my dad left home.

It happened immediately, after they announce it, yeah, and then the next memory that I have it was the Christmas, because I really don’t, I think that it wasn’t, he didn’t left at that period, he left one or two, maybe three months before, but I remember the first holidays that they were really, really difficult for me, and for all the family, and for my mom because my mom was really sad, she was crying very often, she was working a lot also and we were, we, yes it was my grandmother, we were staying with my grandmother and uh, I remember that, that holidays were really difficult for us. For me and my sister also, yeah, yeah.

Did anyone take the time to consider how you were feeling after the divorce announcement, or did life just move on for them?

Once your dad left, did anybody explain to you what happened? Do you know why they divorced? Did you have anybody looking after your feelings? Asking how, you know, or did just go on? I, from what I remember, I think that life just go on, and what I recall now is that everybody was telling me that I have to take care of my mom because she’s really sad, and she feels very, very sad, and I have to help her, uh, actually because in the story there, there was also a third person in the story.

I mean dad left for another woman, so he was the bad guy, yeah, and uh, yeah, and it was hard for my mom and as a woman, I can understand that. But what is really different it’s for the kids cannot understand these things, they cannot understand anything about this third person and it’s completely, I mean, they, they care only about their mom and their dad, if another person comes and they, if you say bad things about this person, this person will be the bad, the bad person. If you say good things or not if you are neutral, they will accept it in the way that you talk about it, I mean it’s completely how the adults will handle it, this is how the kids will accept it, or not.

So you had to look up. Yes, what I remember is that everybody was telling me that I have to look after my mom, and my little sister also, and this was a lot. It was a lot of burden because I, I knew that my mom was, wasn’t feeling good, I was trying to make her feel better, and uh, I, and then when they actually, then they start putting me in the middle because I had to, we had to, we scheduled, we had the program that we had to see my dad for two days, I mean every week I think I don’t remember exactly how it was, but what I remember very, very well, was the fact that I had to transfer messages. Okay. I had to for, for example my mom was telling me you have to say this, this, this, this, and when I was transferring these messages, my dad was telling me uh, tell her this, this, this, this, this. And I was trying to change these messages, and make them a little bit softer, because if I was transferring the exact same words, I knew that they will start fighting.

This is I’m, I’m listening to you speaking, and I’m just think, and how old were you, were you? This started from uh, 11, from 11, 12, something like that. So not only are you being, the messenger, no, the, these messages I remember them very well from the age of 13 to be completely honest, I, from the age of, because I have the memories, some things I don’t remember them very well but, from the age of 13 I remember that I had to transfer messages, up to the age of 17. These were going on and on, for. You’re transferring the messages, but you also have to, change the message and make it nicer so you, I was trying to them, yes, you can look after, you can look after the situation, you can look after Mom, you can look after Dad, you can look after your sister.

Yes, and also because you know, when you transfer the message in exactly what the, how the other person was saying it, it’s like when you are the mediator. You will hear also the reaction, the other person will not know anything about this reaction, you are the, the person that will receive the reaction, the anger, most probably the anger, because exact there will be a lot of anger at the moment that you will transfer the message. So I knew that if I say this back to my mom for example, I knew that her reaction would be really hard, and I didn’t want to hear this, and I didn’t want her to say for example, oh and why, you didn’t answer back, and you, why you didn’t fight back, and say this, this, this, and that, so I was softening the messages, to change a bit the situation and not to have to hear also that why you didn’t defend me. And all this while you’re a child? Yeah, yeah.

At what point did you tell your parents to stop passing messages through you?

At what point did you say stop, I’m not doing this anymore? At 17 and I didn’t say stop, because I was afraid to say stop, uh, I don’t know why I was afraid to say stop, but I never said stop I don’t like this, I only said that I don’t want to see my dad anymore, also because he was the bad guy, he was the bad guy, and I had to take care of my mom, and he broke the marriage, and he, had he brought a third person in the marriage, so I had to try to defend my mom, and I think these are all the reasons why I never said to my mom stop I don’t want to do this anymore. Because I was feeling guilty, and I was feeling also responsible.

You were feeling responsible? I was feeling responsible because I didn’t, I want to defend her, and I was also because I knew that I am like my dad because I knew from a young age that I am more similar to my dad, that I was afraid and I didn’t want to do the same things to her as my dad, so I was trying to, to be different. It’s a lot. It’s a lot, it’s almost like being therapist, being family therapist, being individual therapy to therapist to your mom, looking after your sister, but all this is not just the physical looking after but, very much the emotional and mental health, of looking after the everybody in the house.

What I understand now as adult, is that I try to block all my emotions, I wasn’t feeling anything, I, for years, I couldn’t, I couldn’t even cry, and I never discussed it also with my friends, my best friend of course he understood what happened, but I never told her after. Many years I told her that my parents got a divorce. I was trying to hide it.

Why didn’t you tell your friend about your parents’ divorce?

Can I ask why you didn’t tell her or why you were trying to hide it? I think that for that time in Greece divorce was something very, you know, they were pointing the finger on you if your parents were, it’s not some, it wasn’t something so common as it is in these days, and I was feeling also a little bit embarrassed also when we were going out, I was looking with my dad, I was looking, you know, if we were going to a restaurant for example, I was looking around the other families that they were all mom, dad, and kids and I was afraid, and I was feeling that everybody is watching us, and they see that the mom is missing, so that something is wrong here.

And then you would feel embarrassed? Embarrassed yes, I was feeling embarrassed. No wonder you didn’t have space to deal with your own emotions, you were dealing with everything else, you there was no room for you to, to do, yeah.

Did anybody take care of you during this process?

Did anybody look after you? I think nobody, yeah, because everybody was a bit shocked with this, with the divorce, and they were trying to handle it, for example also for my grandmother was something really hard for her, and she was feeling really sad, for her daughter and for, I don’t know maybe, she took it also personally due to the third person. And um, well everybody was trying to tell me that my dad is a bad guy, and you have to take care of your mom, and nobody actually, well they were asking me if I am okay, but I, I, I had to be the strong person to take care of my mom so when you ask me, when you say all this, and then you ask me how, how am I, I think that you can’t expect me to open up and speak.

It’s true and also you’re going, what if you open up then who’s going to contain those feelings, who’s going to take them, and look and if even if I missed my mum, my dad I was, it was really hard for me to express this and talk about it because he was a bad guy, how I could miss a, a person that betrayed my mom. Yeah, yeah. You said something earlier on Despina you said, there was, the third person, but, you will go along with whatever is said about this other person, so if they, say the person is bad and everything then, you, you’re a child you just go along with that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that this is, and it’s the, that’s why I think it’s a very delicate subject the, the third person and the betrayal generally and I understand as a woman I understand how hard it was for my mom, yeah, and, but on the other hand, for example for me, even at this age, that now I am 42 years old, I still don’t have a relationship with my, with this person.

Because my dad is married to this person, now and he also has a child, yeah, oh I see, even now because of all the things that I heard in the past because all of this hate, and all the anger, and all this discussion about this person, even now, I, I don’t have the courage to meet this person and talk with her, because I feel that I’m betraying my mom if I do it. And if if you did do that today, do you think you would actually be betraying her, do you think that she, she would I’m feeling, yes that she will feel she will feel bad, she will feel that I’m hurting her if I do this. What about the child in the, well I would like to meet him one day, this you, haven’t met him either? No. How old is he? I think it’s 20, he’s 20,wow, what, what.

The picture I’m getting is just how deep, this has run, it wasn’t just temporary, it has run it, almost like permanent scar, and cut that hasn’t completely healed. Yeah, and I think that this, you know, doesn’t help you to have a good balance, because uh, I mean for the, it’s good to have a blended family, I feel like it’s good to have, you have more people in your life, and they probably can, you can have also a good relationship. Yeah.

But that’s why I, I think that it’s important how you talk to kids about the third person in the life of one of the parent, if this happens, and that’s why I feel that it has to be completely different because I understand how hard it was for my mom, as a woman I completely under, I 100% understand her, and most probably, I would have done the same thing as a woman. But as a kid, when you lose, it’s completely different for the kid because for the kid it’s the dad, you can’t say for to the kid that your dad is a bad guy, because the kid knows firstly that maybe he has same characteristic to this person, and it’s one of the two fundamental people in his or her life in the child’s life, yeah, yeah. If you say that this person is a bad person because he broke the marriage, because he brought a third, he met a third person, and he betrayed his um, his woman and everything they the kid maybe feels also that something, is something wrong with, with the kid also, I mean I was feeling that something was wrong with me, that I don’t have a good character, that maybe I will do the same thing when I will grow up.

Wow I see, so you’re saying because, correct me if I’m wrong, so you’re saying as a child, you know, this is Mommy, this is Daddy. So I love this person, I love that person. I’m part this person, I’m part that person, these are my parents, so if you’re told one parent is a bad parent, then, you start thinking am I also bad because I’m part this person. I’m part, I mean, I have half the DNA, of this person, so whatever you say about this person the kid will feel like it maybe, it’s also they, they, they make it a. They introject, they take, yes, yes, yes, that’s really important and I wish, I wish parents could hear that because, I’ve worked a lot with parents who are going through divorce, and um, both as a family mediator, which I used to do before, and then as a psychologist, where parents are going through divorce and they’re struggling with a divorce. And this part that you’re saying about how you speak about the other parent, actually can affect the child not just in terms of the relationship with that parent, but personal, how they view themselves. Yeah.

When you decided you didn’t want to see your dad anymore, was that a way to protect yourself?

When you decided you don’t want to see your dad anymore, from what you’re saying, I’m beginning, I’m seeing it like it was a way for you to protect yourself, and, I was trying to protect myself to, I was trying to find the solution to this situation where I wasn’t in the middle. Yeah, yeah.

And this lasted for 20 years? Yes, because after that I, I knew that uh, if I start having a relationship with him, I will have exact the exact same problems, and actually after I went to therapy, and I worked a lot with myself, and I realised certain things, and I had the courage to admit to myself that if I don’t recreate a relationship with my dad, I will always have an emptiness in me. Uh, the after that I started realising that yes, I have to have a relationship and I have to meet him again, and I felt really good with myself when I start to have again a relationship with him. But I’m still afraid, and I said to my mom that I will do that, I will have a relationship with him but I don’t want you to ask me how he is and what he’s doing. I don’t want you to know anything about that, I mean, I’m still afraid of being in the middle, yeah, even if I have worked a lot with myself, yeah, and you’re an adult you know still the fear still continues, so you, because you know the trauma creates a fear and the fear is always there and it comes up even when you don’t expect it and even if you feel an adult, you know I have my own family now, I have a kid, I am an adult still if my mom ask me how is your dad I will feel afraid to answer that question. Yeah, yeah, and does she ask you? No, no, no. You put the boundaries and, and that’s it.

When you broke contact with your dad, did he try to speak to you or visit you?

When you stopped seeing your dad did he try to reach out, try to see you, call you? He tried, he tried sometimes even if my sister feel that he had to try more, and sometimes I think about it also, but I feel that it was like a punishment for him because he was trying, he was calling, but we never answered. Okay, I, I have thought that maybe he could try harder, yeah, but um, to be honest I don’t know how difficult it was for him also. Okay. To continue pushing the same wall. Okay, there you go, already thinking about him and yeah, you know falling into the, it’s in the kid nature to think about the, and to be honest I always think and I say this, that they say in Greece that the parents are sacrifice many things for their kids but I believe the opposite.

I believe that kids sacrifice more for their parents, kids can sacrifice their own personality for their parents. Like you did? Like I did and generally I can see this many times for the kids, kids trying to protect their parents, even when they, even in the parental alienation when they don’t talk to their parents, sometimes there is another reason that has nothing to do with the other parent that they are not talking to them, and they still feel guilty for not doing it. Yeah, okay, okay.

What would you say to a dad who thinks they have tried their best for their children?

I have a question about that um, when you said he could have tried harder. Because one of the things that I found especially, most of my clients have been fathers, um, and the fathers who have been asked you need to take a parenting course so you can start seeing your children again for, for whatever reasons, and some of these fathers who have been asked by the court to take their parenting course, have been one of the mo, some of the most fantastic fathers I have met, so really good Dads, and they’re so keen to seeing their children. But sometimes I have had fathers who will say, but I have tried calling and they’re not picking up, I’ve sent messages they’re not picking up, what else do you want me to do?

What would you say to a dad who’s who thinks that he’s done the most, what, what more can they do? Well for me they have to still keep trying, yeah, with calls and messages not something else but they have to keep trying, yeah, yeah however much they find it difficult just to keep trying consistently, yeah, they find it difficult because maybe it hurts them personally, maybe it makes them feel bad, I can understand how hard it is, but the child, but you have to keep trying, you have to trying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the only evidence that you have later, to show them that you fight for them, you try to fight for them, yeah. I have a very, very close friend of mine who did that, who fought for his daughter for, years and years, and by the time they reconciled I think when she turned maybe 18/ 19, she got in touch with him, and uh, and now they see each other and you know, nice relationship, but like you say there’s the evidence he could show her, everything he had tried, going through the courts, um, trying to find like a, contact centre where they would meet everything he had like a big, you know, folder to show this is what I’ve done and I think in the background, she probably, as she was growing up she could see and she could hear and then when she was free, then she got in touch with him and she appreciated that he kept trying, but the children have no power.

They have no, no, no, exactly and this is also something that I’m also try to say it often to the parents but, that the kid does doesn’t have the ability and the freedom to open the door and leave the house, the kid has to stay, has to stay with one of the parent because they cannot survive if they open the door. That’s why for the kids it’s completely different, they have to survive between two people that they don’t want to see each other and they have also the possibility not to be together anymore, the kid cannot say that I will divorce my parent, you can divorce the partner but you can, you cannot divorce the parent. So that’s why it’s completely different for the kid and nobody hears the divorce through the eyes of a kid. Also the kids have a story of divorce, but it doesn’t going, nobody hurts about it. Yeah, I like that the kids also have the story of the divorce but nobody is hearing it. Yeah.

When you decided not to see your dad anymore, was it painful or was it survival?

When you decide decided not to see your dad, was there, was there, it sounds like a silly question but was it painful was it or was it just survival? No, at the moment it wasn’t painful because it was, I was in survival mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, but when I grow up and I start working with myself I, for a years I was trying to hide all the emotions, and then I, it was also hard for me to admit that yes I miss him and, and I want to have a relationship with him and I was doing it for me because you never feel complete if you don’t have a relationship, even a bad one, with one of the, with your both parents, both parents. Yeah, yeah.

What advice would you give to parents who have not yet told their children about the divorce?

Despina what would you say to parents who are going through divorce, now, in terms of I’ll break it down in two: What did you say to parents who are listening to this and who have not yet told their children about the divorce? What advice would you give them in terms of telling the children and how to manage it from there? Well for me the announcement is not as important as how you will handle it after that, because many times they announce everything and everything looks perfect and after that it’s, it’s completely different. So for me, the most important is to start therapy first, to work with your emotions, a little bit, and then to announce it to the kids, and to be ready to handle and then to be so to be ready to handle the parenting plan, because if you cannot handle your emotion, you can never sit down and create a parenting plan and be ready to talk about the kid’s needs. Okay.

In this situation you know so where there’s let’s say a third person like in your situation and everything happens really fast, and maybe one parent says oh my gosh you’re having an affair that’s it I’m done you’re out, right, they don’t have time to go for therapy and to plan it out it, happens so fast. So if, if and I completely agree with you that the announcing of the divorce is a big deal but what is an even bigger deal. is how the divorce is managed because that can end up being this, the main trauma for the child not even that, that.

How would you suggest that parents handle the divorce to make it as child centred as possible?

So how would you suggest that parents handle it, once the announcement has been done, after that to make it as child centred as possible? For me as soon as you start therapy again, also for in this situation even if it starts really the things happens really fast, you still can as fast as the things evolve, you can start the therapy, because otherwise in a, in a month, the things will go really bad, and for the kid will be really hard to handle, but not only one both of them they have to go. This is the problem, yeah. Also especially the person that was betrayed and uh, so that the other parent had an affair, this is the person especially that has to go to the therapist, right, okay.

And the children, and therapy, or you think if the parents? No I think that if the parents go, the kids will be fine. Yeah, I, I agree with that, I agree with that. Yeah, because then they learn how to look up, they know how to explain the things, yes, and they will divide their emotions from the kids, yeah, yeah, and they will be maybe they will be able to see how hard it is for the kids. Yeah, okay.

Should parents tell the school or teacher about their divorce?

Another question is um, with regards to school, do they tell the teachers, do they tell school that we’re going through divorce, or do they keep quiet about it? I mean, what, what would your view be on that, I know I have my view on it but, to be honest to, to be honest I was feeling embarrassed, I didn’t want for my professions, for my teachers to know about the divorce.

But I think that the, the teacher should know about it, so as to handle it in a more delicate way, and if they see a strange behaviour, to be able to help, yeah, and to be able to know why this strange behaviour is here, otherwise if they don’t know, and the child starts changing their behaviour, they’re not concentrating, they’re playing out, and they’re like what’s wrong with this child, yeah, but as soon as they know ah, there’s something happening at home then they’re able, and also children reach an age where they spend more time at school than they do at home, yeah. So you know.

And maybe if they have a good relationship with the teacher maybe they can discuss about it, but it’s good, and the teacher should never go to the child and say that I know about that, yeah, it’s the kid that has to go to the teacher and confess this. Tell the teacher yeah and, and, um.

How did you get back in contact with your dad?

How did you get back with your dad? I just called him once and I, told him that I, how are you? What are you doing? I was afraid to do the call, but after that I felt really good with the, with myself, yeah, therapy helped me to take the step, and do it, yeah, it could not have been easy but I’m glad that you did it because I imagine that I, I always, I often say that if you have that question shall I get in touch? Shall I not get in touch? Then get in touch I would say, because if you are absolutely sure that you didn’t want to get in touch, then you wouldn’t have the question, you know, the back of your mind should I get in touch, just get in touch and then, see what happens from there, and then you don’t ever have to have the question again.

Yes, yes, I completely agree with this. Yeah, yeah.

Does your daughter see your father?

So is your, I know you mentioned that you have a little daughter, so is your daughter seeing your dad? Do they. Well uh, we have a, trying he, he cannot walk he had an operation, okay, and he, he doesn’t want to see her right now because he has some difficult problems with his health he has some issues but uh, I mean, I am sending her, sending him photos and I hope that one time he will meet her. Yeah, yeah so it’s kind of like slowly building up you know yes, yes, yeah, okay, all right.
Um, so your book Despina, yeah, where can we get it? Uh, on Amazon, it’s in English and also in uh, Portuguese, okay, you can find it also in Portuguese, yes, they are both on Amazon, and in Portuguese is also available from [unclear] okay, all right, and I have also created a diary, that goes with the book that you can find it also on Amazon, only because I think that it’s really good for the kids to write their emotion at least, if they don’t have anyone to confess and to talk, they can write for themselves certain things or certain thoughts. Okay, oh, that’s so, the, the diary is for the children, children yes, it’s also, okay, so it’s, it’s separate from the book? It’s separate from the book yes, they can, you can buy it or not, but the independently from the diary if the kids don’t have someone to confess and to talk, it’s good if you help them to write down their thoughts, and I think, even if they have somebody to, to talk to and somebody still wants to, you know to, to write things down for themselves because writing can be very helpful, to process you know um, what we’re going going through.

And what’s the title of your diary? What’s the diary, the, it’s just the diary, the diary and it’s under my name, yeah, that’s, okay, all right. One last thing I would like to say now that we were talking about the diary, because for the kids it’s very, it’s very important when you are with a kid, to let them free to express all their emotions for the other parent. I mean even if they say that they had a good time, be happy, try to be happy for them, yeah, if they get a present that you don’t like, yes, from the other parent, and you don’t agree with this present, or you think that it’s really cheap, try not, to, it’s important not to say anything. Yeah, yeah, this is the only way that they will feel like they have the space, and they feel secure, and they will be able to express themselves. Yeah, I absolutely, and thank you so much for bringing that up, I absolut, absolutely agree with that in those situations I think as the parent, you have to just bear it, you have to bear it and allow the child to come back and say, you know, when I was at daddy’s I did this, and this, and that, and when I was at mommies, oh yeah, that sounds really um, like it sounds like you had a good time, and even if inside you’re thinking to yourself, I don’t want to hear this, I don’t want to hear it, but actually just allowing the child the space to be a child.

Yes, like, like it was before the divorce exactly, exactly I mean that sometimes when, and, and I know some of the parents they, they completely say that they cannot do it, it’s such a difficult journey to go through, divorce, even where they’re no children. Right, yeah, when they’re children it makes it even harder at that point, but if we going to go and continue parenting full on, the way we would parent even before for the divorce, there are certain things that can make the child’s world much, much easier to cope with. Completely different, it will completely, and it will not leave any trauma. Yeah, yes, exactly, exactly and it’s, it’s things like um, and some of the parents tell me I’m absolutely not doing that, I say okay, so it’s Mother’s Day, go and get your child a Mother’s Day card for his mom, or her mom, it’s Daddy’s birthday, get them to you know, as much as you just don’t like the person but he’s still the person who is important to your most important person, and she’s still the most important person to, you know and when I tell parents that they’re like I promise you, I am not buying a Mother’s Day card, it’s not happening but at least I’ve put that idea there because, I look at the child, you know, the child and look at it from the perspective of the child, oh Mommy happy Mother’s Day, you know.

And don’t talk about money! No, oh gosh, this, this was a great, this was such a huge issue, wow, did you have to do that? Yes, I had to, to talk a lot about money because my dad was, wasn’t paying anything, almost anything for us, and my mom was paying everything for us. So I was feeling that I was a burden for my mom because he was paying everything, and I was a feeling that I was nothing for my dad because he wasn’t, he didn’t want to pay anything, wow, yeah, so if you talk about money, kids will never feel good, because if you say that I spend a lot for you, they will not feel that you care, they will feel that they are a burden, and if you say that your dad or your mom doesn’t pay anything for you, they will just feel that they don’t love them enough. Yeah, so don’t talk about money. Yeah.

There are three things that I say, when, to parents when they’re going through divorce and that’s one of them. Don’t involve children in adult matters. They don’t need to know when you’re going to court, they don’t need to know what the court papers have said, they don’t need to know what their financial agreement is,, they don’t they just, because they don’t have any power to deal with this ,they don’t know what to make of it they don’t, this, like you say they can’t say, I’m leaving, so, don’t involve children in adult matters, do not get them to mediate, between the parents you know, can you tell your mom this, can you tell, you know, in terms of mediating oh, but you know I really love your dad, maybe if you told your dad he would listen to you, oh, you know, your mom, you know.

It’s, it’s kind of like, just don’t get them to mediate, and don’t let them be messengers, you know, go and tell your mom I’m coming on Saturday at 2:00, mom, dad is coming at 2:00, 2 o’clock is not his time, you know, and then it just becomes like I’m just giving you a message but then, like you had to do, soften the message, timing, everything look after it, so that it, it doesn’t, it can have a soft landing. And kids sometimes in this dialogue they will try to say maybe also opposite things to each parent, probably they will say for example, to the dad I had a great time with you, and they will say to their mom no, I, I, it was boring with Dad, I didn’t like it, yeah, and when they will go to mediation they will start fighting because they will see but, the kid told me that he had a great time, and Mom will say no, but he, he said that he didn’t like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, we need to just, like you say continue parenting as we would before the divorce, that’s why I think that the therapist will help, nothing else can help, and also the, for the people that go to the court and they believe that the judge will see the case, and they will understand and they leave the judge to decide for their families I mean, I find it really, difficult, to believe that the judge in 15 minutes will decide about the family of, around 10/ 15 years that they are together and they, they will decide exactly and, what it’s best for this family. For the child where, where the child goes, on which day, at what time , and everything like that. Yeah, I think um, and, and I, I, I, think that nowadays even judges don’t want people to come to court, no, no they don’t, yeah.

Despina if anybody wanted to contact you with regards to, not just your book, but um, just to ask, ask you questions can they do that about how to manage their own, yeah. Yes, of course, well I can talk about my personal relationship, I mean about me, and my experience and as a mediator yes, I could give some advices, of course, okay, and yes, I will be happy to help um.

You have a website? I don’t have a website, I have my email and I have a Instagram, uh Facebook, yes, and TikTok. This time, what’s your social media? It’s a, author Despina, you can find me under my name, and with the word author in front, okay, author Despina Mavridou. Yeah. Okay. For Instagram? For Instagram, yeah, okay, all right.

Thank you so, so much for taking the time, thank you, yeah, I know, it’s, I hope that it was helpful and if there are any questions we can do also another one, if you want to answer them, yeah, yeah, honestly I think um, I, I hope as many parents as possible will listen to this and even, if you change the direction that one or two parents are taking currently, with the divorce of their children, then um, that would be a job well done. Yeah, yeah, thank you so much. Thank you, take care, bye-bye.

[Music]

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

Suggestions

helping children cope with divorce

Resources for this article

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References

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Conclusion

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How old were you when your parents got divorced?

Did anyone take the time to consider how you were feeling after the divorce announcement, or did life just move on for them?

At what point did you tell your parents to stop passing messages through you?

Why didn’t you tell your friend about your parents’ divorce?

Did anybody take care of you during this process?

When you decided you didn’t want to see your dad anymore, was that a way to protect yourself?

When you broke contact with your dad, did he try to speak to you or visit you?

What would you say to a dad who thinks they have tried their best for their children?

When you decided not to see your dad anymore, was it painful or was it survival?

What advice would you give to parents who have not yet told their children about the divorce?

How would you suggest that parents handle the divorce to make it as child centred as possible?

Should parents tell the school or teacher about their divorce?

How did you get back in contact with your dad?

Does your daughter see your father?

About Despina Mavridou

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