helping children cope with divorce - Page 5

children about divorce

How do We Talk to our Children about Divorce?

Published on
Elaine Halligan
Elaine Halligan
London Director of
The Parent Practice

Children do suffer from family separation unless it is handled extremely carefully.

When adults divorce their world is in turmoil and so is their children’s. This is a time when the parents need to know what to do and what to say to their children to ensure they survive the transition and thrive in a post-divorce world.

Traumatised adults often do and say things that can be very confusing for children but we know divorcing parents want to support their children through this experience so here are some guidelines of what to say to the kids when telling them about this huge change in their lives.

CHOOSE a time to tell them

Carefully consider the best time, when there are no plans for a few days so they can ask questions, confusions can be cleared up, and feelings aired. If at all possible, arrange to tell them together so you are united in creating the new structure.

If parents are so conflicted that doing this together may cause more tension, then tell them separately. If talking separately be sure to say “Mum and Dad together have decided…....”

LET them know that:

Their mother and father were happy once together and they were born out of love, and although you no longer love each other, reassure them that you will both always love them. (It may help to say that the love that adults have for each other is not the same as the love a parent feels for a child lest they worry that you will fall out of love with them too.)

child maintenance and child contact

BE clear with them that:

The separation has nothing to do with them and it is definitive– it is not their responsibility to try and make things better between mum and dad, and they can’t do anything to get you back together again.

Mum and Dad are sad, but they will take care of their own feelings – it is not for the child to worry about this.

The children will have lots of different feelings. This is normal and you want them to talk to you or some other adult that they trust about it. Involve a loved relative or friend for these conversations.

GIVE details about what will happen

Let them know how life will change and what will remain the same – address practical issues of living arrangements. Eg when they visit the other parent, what happens on holidays, with the pets, about money and school etc. An involved and informed child will feel more in control of his life and will be able to cope better. Give age appropriate information.

AVOID blame

Parents often say ‘it’s important for the child to know the truth!’ Ask yourself why a child needs to know about adult matters such as infidelity, or about legal or financial matters.

Details about these can disturb them and can convince them there is something ‘wrong’ with one parent. Children need to believe in the goodness and love of each parent whose DNA they share. Children know they are one part Mum and one part Dad, therefore if one parent is vilified they take that on board and feel part bad as well.

It is vital that both parents avoid any temptation to demonise the other– a child has the right to a relationship with both parents. To include children in these conversations will scare and confuse them.

Children often miss their fathers but are fearful of voicing it because they fear a negative reaction from their mother. Never use your child to convey messages to the other parent, especially if there is a negative tone to the missive.

The London director of The Parent Practice, Elaine has been a parenting facilitator since 2006, teaching parents in the Wimbledon and Clapham centres. 

She works in schools and nurseries, coordinates our corporate and business seminar programme and works with special educational needs such as dyslexia, dyspraxia and dyscalculia. 

Elaine sees many of our clients in private consultations.

Elaine came into parenting thinking she should instinctively know how to parent.   She sought parenting advice when she felt guilty when she thought she had done a ‘bad job’ and ashamed when she saw someone else parenting the way she wished she could. Being a parent is the most demanding job she has ever done but equally it is a role filled with joy.

Elaine has helped hundreds of families to understand their child’s unique temperament and motivates parents to bring out the best in children and teenagers to ensure they have the opportunity to lead fulfilling lives and be able to cope with life’s knocks.

© the parent practice 2014

photo credit: Destiny via photopin (license)

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Helping Children of Divorce cope with Divorce

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Stacey Hart
Stacey Hart Co-founder A Kids Space

Stacey Hart and Emma Cohn run a support program in London for children going through divorce.    

In this interview Stacey talks to us about children and divorce explaining how divorced parents can help children in coping with divorce and what it takes for them to have a good enough life after divorce.

What is the impact of divorce on children?

Stacey explains that the main issue they found with children of divorce is a reaction that is very similar to the grieving process.  

Dealing with divorce and the divorce process is like going through a bereavement; the shock, sadness, denial and angry about what has happened to them is very real.  They are also frightened and experience some anxiety too.  

What can parents to do help their children during and after the divorce process?

  • Be honest with the children and keep telling them that they are still loved
  • Remind that that the divorce wasn’t their fault
  • Stick to the boundaries that you had before
  • Provide them with as much support as possible
  • What parents can do to help
  • Have the same routine every week as this can play a role in helping lessen anxiety
  • Avoid heated conversations in front of the children
  • Try and make transitions between homes as smooth as possible
  • Avoid making promises that you cannot keep

Should children have a say in where they live?

Yes.  They should have a voice.  They should not have to make major decisions though but they need to be able to communicate to their parents what it is that they want.

Stacey Hart is an experienced counsellor who has been working with children, young people and adults for the last 10 years.

More recently she has been working in the field of child bereavement-facilitating, devising and delivering workshops.

Stacey is a member of the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists.

For more information about A Kids Space click here – akidspace.co.uk

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strong willed child

Divorce and My Strong Willed Child

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Suzy Miller of Alternative Divorce Guide
Suzy Miller of Alternative Divorce Guide

There is something very liberating when you stop wanting people to change or to change people.

We get easily annoyed when people are not acting the way we would like them to. We have so many expectations about just anything and anyone.

We often think that life would be so much easier if only our ex-partner could act in a certain way, of course preferably the way that would please us.

Likewise if our kids could do exactly as they were told, we would not have to act as ‘police officers’ with them so much of the time.

I remember a time, just after my separation, when I found my son very difficult to ‘handle’.

Life was becoming a struggle, I was on my own for the very first time in my entire life, with 2 kids to look after. I had always dreaded that moment.

 

A ‘strong willed’ 5 year old

My son was 5 at the time, and had (and still has) a very strong character.

Tantrums were a big thing for me, and I could not get used to them. I felt terrible and tired, not knowing how to respond apart from jumping in and telling my son how he should behave. We had a very tough relationship.

Divorce and my strong willed child
Sandie Martel

Who has never dreamt of the perfect and very gentle child, respecting all the rules and doing exactly as Mummy says?

Well, things started to change when I finally let go of my need to change him and I finally accepted him exactly as he was, without trying to force him to behave in the way I had decided. I simply saw that he was very different from his sister, after all we are all unique, and I had to make peace with that.

I started to love and accept him exactly as he was, embracing his uniqueness rather than fighting against it.

The relationship totally transformed. No more confrontations. Whenever there now is a moment in which he is feeling extremely angry, I know that there is no point in me interfering and telling him how wrong I think he is.

I just take time to be present, listen and understand him. Understand where he is coming from. And know that he is doing the best he can with what he has in the moment.

The moment generally does not last more than 5 minutes, and we discuss any issue only when he has calmed down.

You see, when the head clears, there is an opportunity for fresh new thinking that no one could have in a negative state of mind. You gain a new perspective on the situation and solutions you had not even thought of start to arise. I also now always encourage my son to come up with his own answers. This is a great place to start once the storm is over.

A very productive way to handle any situation. And to me, this has been very liberating.

Interview by Suzy Miller of  Alternative Divorce Guide

smartel@papillontherapy.co.uk

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Child Friendly Divorces

Child Friendly Divorces – How to Get one

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce is a stressful time with a myriad of sad and angry feelings bubbling under the surface.

When one is in survival mode it is challenging to make rational decisions that keep the child’s best interest at heart.

Here are some tips for a child friendly divorce.

  • Both of you have to act like mature adults, as it is scary for a child witnessing parents fighting over them. It looks like a pair of toddlers scrabbling over a toy. The child wants to feel that the adults are in control of the divorce situation as well as their own emotions. Put your egos aside and concentrate on the children. Living in a revenge fantasy is not productive in getting through a divorce and being a support for the kids.
  • A child friendly divorce ensures that children are keeping their usual routines. Maisy continues with her dance classes and Tommy goes to rugby practice. Having the kids maintain their regular schedule helps promote constancy in their changing world. Make sure that they see their buddies which is crucial in this stressful period.
  • Children require fun (and so do adults). Parents are focused on the divorce proceedings and the splitting of assets. Kids need to blow off steam when feeling overwhelmed and to have some laughs. Go to an amusement park or enjoy a festival with lively music and ethnic food. See some films or a child friendly play. All of us require lightness in our lives for optimal physical and mental well-being.
  • In a child friendly divorce, a child’s opinion is taken into consideration although does not mandate the outcome. If at an impasse regarding custody arrangements, consider getting someone else to assist. A child therapist who specializes in divorce can help set up a schedule that meets the child’s needs and is agreeable to the parents. Flexibility and creativity come into play when determining shared care. The child may desire a primary residence with liberal visitation by the other parent. The parent with less time might take the child out for lunch or a sport event in between when they have them for visitation. Try to work together on this issue.
  • Keep divorce details away from the kids. They need to be on the side lines, not in the centre of the divorce. It is fine to say when you are having a divorce session, but not its agenda. I let my sons know that my mobile would be turned off from 11:00 to 12:30 on Wednesday, for example so that they knew ahead of time when they could not get a hold of me. Be vague about the reason for your divorce. Not the kids’ business.
  • Consider having a Parenting Plan which is a formal way to set up guidelines for the specifics of shared care. It can spell out how holidays are split and who gets the kids on alternate school half term breaks. A Parenting Plan can prevents some disagreements down the road after divorce. It can cover different aspects of the child’s life that may not be addressed in a general shared care agreement.
  • To keep the divorce friendly, consider having your child meet at least once with a child therapist to make sure he is doing okay. Or at least have a neutral third party who will listen to your child’s concerns and alert you if there is a problem. Remember not to blame the other parent in front of your child. Save that for venting with friends away from home, if need be.

A way to determine if your divorce is child friendly is to look at the motivation behind the actions and words. If any of this is about scoring points or retaliation – then the answer is no.

If you both recognize the kids’ needs and do you best to take care of them, then yes, you have a child friendly divorce. Your children will thank you years later if they are kept out of the middle of it.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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helping children cope

Losing Focus of the Children During Divorce? Let me Count the Ways

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

As a person who works with parents going through divorce, the tough part is seeing how a parent’s anger and need for vengeance takes precedence over her children’s wellbeing or his child’s welfare.

There will never, ever be a time in a child’s life where it will be ok to put them in situations where mental anguish and emotional distress become part of his or her day.

Yet you would be surprised how many divorcing parents do this to their children over and over again because they have lost focus, become distracted and blinded by anger, hurt and revenge so much so that they begin running an agenda at the expense of their child who is then left to pick up the tab.

Losing Focus of the Children During Divorce?  Let me Count the Ways

  • When you chose to interrupt your child’s relationship with the other parent by keeping the two apart, sometimes, very, sadly for the rest of their childhood forgetting that one day, one day, this little child is going to grow up and you will have to answer to them and explain why they had to grow up without a daddy.  You’d better have a really good response.

    If this is something you’re doing at the moment, you may think you’re winning because you have the children and that you’re succeeding in hurting him, but keep in mind that your children will resent you for that one day. The backlash on you is definitely looming.

  • When you involve your children in adult matters that they neither have the ability to comprehend nor do anything about. Children who are sent to school, dropped off at the gate and told to have a good day, after being informed that on that very day, there was going to be a court hearing to decide who his/her is going to live with. Or the child who knows exactly how much money is being paid towards maintenance and when this isn’t forthcoming they not only hear about it over and over again, but they live through it and suffer the consequences of something they really have no business knowing.

children of divorceWe wouldn’t allow anyone to inflict harm on our children, in fact, I know many parents who would rather die or be imprisoned than watch their children being harmed, mentally, emotionally or physically, yet, here they are doing the same thing to their children because…they are angry with the ex!

  • When your insidious curiosity about what is going on in the other home drags your children into the role of spy and reporter.  “Who was there? What did you do? How long did they stay?”
  • When your unwillingness to communicate with your partner turns your children into messengers and go betweeners, commonly seen when it comes to telephone conversations. You child picks up the phone and says, “Daddy would like to speak with you.” You don’t want to so you say, “Ask him what he wants.” And on it goes. During this time, all your child is feeling is fear, frustration and anxiety. He doesn’t want to be there but you have both put him there. Or you drop off your child with a message for your ex, “Tell mummy I can’t make it next weekend. I’m going out of town.” And off you drive, leaving your child to pass on a charged message. Right there you’ve used your child as a buffer.
  • When your unwillingness to get on and communicate turns your child into the mediator and all they do is try to appease the situation between the two adults in the room.
  • When you decide that the stress you’re going through right now with visitation and contact is more important than seeing your own children so you decide you “cannot take it anymore” and you cut off contact without explanation, notice nor reason.  Many years down the line, you try and explain to your child that you couldn’t take the stress and then listen to him telling you what it was like growing up without a father or mother.
  • When you allow for your child to become your carer. That they look after you, make sure that you are ok.  When you turn to them to tell them of your woes, worries and suffering since their other parent left. When you tell them, in not so many words, that you cannot cope when they are not there, when they have gone off with their other parent which in turn means that even when they are away, they are concerned about you instead of just being children.

Divorce is hard.  I know that.  I have been through it twice so I do know and understand, but like I said right at the beginning, there will never, ever be a time when your own needs preceed those of your children’s wellbeing, welfare and happiness.

If it means putting up with your ex to make sure that your children are thriving between two households then so be it.

If you’re finding it hard to cope because your ex is determined to make your life hell, then find or create your own support system, see a therapist if that’s what it takes.  She or he will be able to provide you with coping skills that can help you now and in the long run.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Effect of Divorce on Children: Don’t Let them Lose Sleep!

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effect of divorce on children
If they are feeling worried or insecure, they may have trouble getting to sleep or sleeping through the night.

After a divorce or separation, one important thing to consider is the impact on your family’s sleeping patterns.

Getting a divorce with children may involve numerous hours of lost sleep.

To mark National Bed Month 2015, we’re looking at how a relationship breakdown can affect sleep and what you can do to make sure you’re all getting enough.

Getting enough good quality sleep is essential for your mind and body, keeping your immune system healthy and your mind alert.  Sleeping well can be particularly important during difficult times as your mental resilience is stronger when you are well rested, and a recent study showed that people going through a divorce may be more susceptible to high blood pressure following sleep disruptions. (Krietsch, Mason, & Sbarra, 2014)

When a relationship breaks down, the changes in living arrangements can disrupt your sleeping environment in a number of ways. You may find yourself sleeping in a new bed, or adjusting to sleeping alone in a bed you used to share. You may also have a lot on your mind, with financial and practical arrangements to sort out, and changes to reflect upon. All of this can disrupt your sleeping patterns and may put your health at risk if the disruption is prolonged.

Sleep and the Effect of Divorce on Children

If you have children, they may also be experiencing anxiety and uncertainty about the recent change in circumstances.

effect of divorce on children
Ask if there’s anything you can do to help.

If they are feeling worried or insecure, they may have trouble getting to sleep or sleeping through the night.

Depending on where you are with your childcare arrangements and what decisions you have made, your children may be adjusting to living in a new place, or spending their time across two different homes. They may even just be missing the parent who has moved out.

If you are concerned about your child’s sleep, first check in and see if there’s anything you might be doing to contribute to the disruption. If you’ve been allowing older children to stay up later, or letting younger children sleep in your bed, then you may be contributing to the problem.

Remember that, whatever you are going through, you still want your children to have a consistent and healthy routine, so ask yourself what you can do to get things back on track.

Next, have a think about what else might be causing your child to miss out on sleep.

Talk with them about the changes that are going on and how they’ve been feeling. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help. It may be something as simple as picking a few treasured items to have in their bedroom that makes it feel more like home.

Having a Routine

One of the best things you can do is to set a consistent bedtime routine and stick with it.

This may be particularly challenging if your child is living across two homes. Even if communication between you and your ex-partner is difficult, remind them that you both want the best for your child, and make a plan to agree on a bedtime routine that you can both stick to.

effect of divorce on children
Keep duplicates of favourite items, toys, or music to keep in each bedroom.

You may want to keep duplicates of favourite items, toys, or music to keep in each bedroom. This can help avoid the risk of forgetting important things that your child relies on.

Establish a routine that fits your child’s age and needs, such as going to bed at a certain time to read and unwind, and having lights off an hour later.

Or, if your child is younger, the routine might be having a bath, getting into pyjamas and sharing a bedtime story before lights off. Whatever you decide, agree with your ex-partner that you will both do your best to stick to the routine so that your child has consistency.

Once the routine is established and things have settled down a bit, check in to see if your child is starting to sleep a bit better. There may be a period of adjustment, so be prepared to give it a bit of time. If sleep problems persist, or if you are still worried, you can talk to your GP or paediatrician who may be able to refer you to a specialist sleep counsellor or support group.

Looking after yourself

Once your child’s sleep patterns are re-established, you may find it a little easier to get your own rest. Remember it’s important to look after yourself too, and do yourself the favour of having your own routine.

Try to avoid looking at electronic screens late at night, as the bright light can trick your brain into thinking it needs to stay awake. If you can, start going to bed at the same time every night, giving yourself a bit of time to settle so that you can get a solid eight hours in before you need to wake up.

Getting enough sleep can help keep you healthy, and feeling more alert for dealing with the stress and anxiety that you may be going through as you adjust to your new circumstances.

If you are going through a situation similar you can obtain more resources and support on theparentconnection.org.uk

If you want more help agreeing on arrangements with your ex-partner, OnePlusOne’s online parenting plan and support service is available for free at www.splittingup-putkidsfirst.org.uk

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Common Divorce Questions by Children of Divorce

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Karla Lee Author and Founder of Voice4kids
Karla Lee
Author and Founder of Voice4kids

Author Karla Lee (Voice 4Kids) knows all to well what it feels like to go through a Divorce.

She was only 9yrs old at the time when her parents separated, and within a moment she felt her world fell apart.  For the next 17yrs Karla struggled with different emotions, like anger, bitterness, resentment and the question of “Why Me?”

As an adult, Karla has come to realise that Parents want to talk to their Children but they just didn’t know how so here’s some helpful advice from Karla on how to handle the questions that come your way.

 

These are common divorce questions by children of divorce and how you can answer them.

 

Why are you getting a divorce?

Mummy and Daddy have tried to work through things together but it hasn’t worked. This was the last thing we wanted to happen. You must know right now that this isn’t your fault.

This is Mummy and Daddy’s problem to work through, but we are here if you want to ask us anything. We understand that this is also a very sad time for you, and understand that you are also hurting. Would you like to talk to me, or ask me anything now?

(This may open the door straight away for questions your children may need answered).

Know we are here if you ever want to talk or share your feeling with us.

 

Aren’t you happy being together anymore?

We are finding it difficult to be together at the moment, so we are trying to work through things. We want you to know that we are still very happy and proud of you.

We will work through this as Adults, so please don’t think that it has anything to do with you. You make us both very happy, more than you could ever know.

(Try to reassure your child that this separation divorce isn’t their fault. You may have to ask them if they understand?)

 

Divorce Questions by children of divorce
Common divorce questions by children of divorce

Do you still love me? (Reassurance question)

More than anything in the whole wide world. We will always love you. (Showing affection at this time would help. Say a cuddle.

 

Will we still be a family?

We will still be a family, but there will be a few changes.  We may be doing different things at different times with you, but we are still your parents and we love you very much.

(Sometimes children fear that the parent at home may also abandon them. Reassure them again that this is not the case.

 

Who am I going to live with?

We will work that out, you don’t have to concern yourself with it.  We will make sure that you are happy with the arrangements and that you see us both as much as possible.

(Sometimes Kids feel like they have to work it all out themselves and take care of the new living arrangements. Let them know that as parents you are still in charge and will take of these matters. If your child is older I suggest sitting them down to include them in the discussion. You might find they feel respected and not pushed aside. It is here that you may hear how they truly feel about it all.

(There needs to be stability and security of who is still in charge).

 

Will you call me every day when you move away?

Yes. Lets make at time for us to chat each day right now. What time do you think? After school?

(Include them in this process.  Set a time with them there and then so that your child feels like you are making this phone calling to them a priority in your day -to -day business.)

Important Note: Don’t forget to call them; otherwise you will let them down. Children don’t forget.

 

Will you ever get back together?

At the moment we need to have this time apart, and we can’t promise you anything. We just want you to know we are here for you no matter what happens.

(Never make promises you can’t keep. Children have long memories).

 

If I stopped being naughty and fighting with my brother/sister would you have stayed together?

We did not separate because of you or your brother/sister, and it’s not because sometimes we may be upset with you. This is something between Mummy and Daddy. An adult issue.

 

Karla Lee

Follow Karla Lee on Twitter

 

Karla’s journey started in 1998 and it is her life’s mission to reach families globally to tell them there is Hope after a Divorce and that these Children can go on to having a very fulfilled life and marriage. Karla is evidence of this.

Karla Lee has been married for 13yrs, and she has two little girls, Faith & Hope.

Karla’s Book “Please Don’t Go!” is her Life Story. It is raw and honest, and helps Parents see a Divorce totally from the Child’s Perspective with helpful tips. For teens & parents.

“Is It My Fault?” Karla Lee illustrated (4 short stories) to help younger children 3-12yrs understand what is happening in their home, whether a Parent is leaving or a potential Stepparent in entering their home.

Karla Lee Books & Dolls Promo Pic

 

 

For more information about Karla Lee or to purchase her books go to: www.karlalee.com

 

 

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Children Need Both Parents

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I won’t say much about this video as it truly speaks for itself.

Children need both parents and here’s why:

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broken homes

Broken Homes, Broken Children?

Published on
Dealing with Divorce Pain
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist, Family Mediator
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I recently read the above title somewhere cannot recall where.  It was a piece on divorce and children and the effects of divorce on children.

I have to say that the title did upset me somewhat because I’m so tired of hearing how divorce almost definitely messes children up.  I know it can mess children up, I write about it and work in that whole area, but I am here to say that divorce doesn’t necessarily have to end up with broken children.

The way I look at it is that divorce doesn’t necessarily have to bring about everlasting damage to children.  Yes, I know it can but it doesn’t have to. As I often say, the divorce is not the point to focus on it’s how it’s handled.

To those people who are totally convinced that it can do so much harm that they would rather stay in an unhappy, abusive relationship than put their children through the experience of divorce with the possible end result of them having a more peaceful existence please do think again.

I am not advocating for divorce and I am not here to encourage you to end your relationship.  I am here to ask, if your situation is unbearable to you , imagine what it is like for your little ones.

To this day my two exes and I are good friends.  Our children see each other and celebrate birthdays and have sleepovers together.  They know each other and we, the adults, respect each other.

Broken homes
While taking the guidance into account, the court’s paramount concern will always be the child’s welfare.

The divorce process with my first marriage was hard and acrimonious but despite what we felt for one another be it anger, hate or sheer resentment, our daughter stayed our focus.

We would still attend school functions together and communicate anything to do with school and extra-curricular activities.

Yes, the divorce was hard on her but it was handled in a way where the “could-have-been” permanent repercussions were either eliminated or eased by the way we handled the whole process between us.

So yes, divorce can bring on broken children but broken homes can also be found in places where there is one home where everyone lives under the same roof.

You can have two very happy intact homes for the children to return to time and time again or you can have one very unhappy home that the children dread living in.

Divorce, if handled properly and with the children in mind doesn’t have to mean broken children.

That has been my experience (twice).  What has yours been?

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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