helping children cope with divorce - Page 3

The Pros and Cons of Nesting
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The Pros and Cons of Nesting

Published on
Connie Atkinson
Connie Atkinson
Partner
Kingsley Napley
Rachel Freeman
Rachel Freeman
Partner
Kingsley Napley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The recent news that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his wife Sophie are separating after 18 years of marriage hit the headlines not only because they are a high profile couple on the political world stage but because they intend to opt for a nesting pattern of co-parenting their three children from here on – an approach which is also growing in popularity on this side of the pond. In this article Kingsley Napley Family Law partners Connie Atkinson and Rachel Freeman explore the pros and cons of nesting arrangements for separating couples.

What is a nesting arrangement?

It is an arrangement which sees children remain in the family home while the parents take it in turns to leave and live elsewhere for short periods. A second, usually smaller, property is rented or purchased and each parent stays there when they are not in the family home with the children.  In some families, where finances permit, each parent has their own separate property where they live when they are not in the family home.

What are the pros for children?

In the right circumstances, birdnesting gives children and parents time to adjust to a separation without significant changes being imposed immediately. Children often crave stability when parents decide to split and being able to remain in their home while navigating their feelings around their parents’ separation can be helpful.

If children remain in the family home, they can maintain their routines and local friendships and remain at the same school, clubs and activities.  Children avoid having to shuttle between two homes and retain the familiar and safe space in their bedroom with all their belongings in one place.

What are the cons for children?

In reality birdnesting is only likely to work for a small number of families and in many cases only for a short period of time. Children need to adjust to the reality of their parents’ separation which includes a new home and bedroom with the other parent. In some cases the former family home is going to be sold at some point and so there will be a change of environment for children in any event. If birdnesting is attempted in unsuitable cases, it can risk creating (or sustaining) a toxic environment for children in what is supposed to be their safe space.

What are the pros for parents?

In the right circumstances birdnesting gives parents time to adjust to the separation too and avoid the need for numerous moves before buying a new home. It can also help remove the pressure of agreeing arrangements for the children immediately upon separation.

Parents might feel strongly about minimising disruption to their children, particularly if they themselves have unhappy memories of moving between two homes on divorce in their youth.

Birdnesting can save costs, avoiding the need, for example, to buy two sets of bedroom furniture, clothes, toys and books.  It might offer a solution where the parents cannot afford two family homes upon divorce; with a nesting arrangement they only need one home big enough for a parent and the children and the other property can be much smaller.

What are the cons for parents?

In reality, birdnesting is unlikely to work long term. People move on at different paces following separation and it is not unusual for the parents’ views and priorities to take different directions as time moves on, which can make birdnesting more difficult. Birdnesting also becomes much more difficult if new partners are involved or when the separated spouses find a new relationship.

A downside of birdnesting is that it does not allow parents to move on and live independent lives. This is relevant in the context of the court’s usual approach on divorce which is to achieve a clean break between the parties where possible. Birdnesting means still running one, or even two, households together with all the costs, bills, food, cleaning, chores, maintenance and other admin that that entails. There are likely to be constant reminders of a former partner, seeing their belongings around or evidence of their daily routine and habits. Depending on the size of the property, parents might also have to use the same bedroom and bathroom as their former partner which can feel uncomfortable.

Birdnesting requires a lot of communication and organisation, particularly at the beginning when emotions can be very raw.

What practical tips might help to make nesting work?

  • Explore whether birdnesting will work by discussing your intentions and the practicalities in an appropriate forum such as mediation.
  • Parents need to have maintained a positive relationship on separation and be good at communicating with one another.
  • Agree a set of household rules and responsibilities, including how to deal with food shopping, bills, repairs, and who else can be in the home.
  • Have regular meetings to consider what is working well with the nesting arrangement and whether anything needs to be changed.
  • Employ a cleaner, especially for handover days.
  • Consider how personal belongings and communications will be dealt with to ensure each parent can maintain some privacy.

According to recent research by Coop Legal Services some 11% of divorced or separated parents in the UK have tried birdnesting and in the current economic climate it may well appeal to more separating couples, to avoid the costs of running two homes large enough for the children or if the family home cannot be sold.  Every family is different and the family’s individual circumstances and dynamics will dictate whether birdnesting works for the parents and their children and for the long or short term.

Read more articles by Kingsley Napley Family Law here.

About Connie Atkinson and Rachel Freeman

Connie is a Partner in the family team and has experience of dealing with all aspects of private family work relating to both finances and children. She is recognised as a Rising Star Legal 500 UK for Family: Mediation and ranked in Chambers UK as up and coming in Family/Matrimonial. Connie also won family lawyer of the year and national private client lawyer of the year at the Private Client Modern Law Awards 2023.

Rachel is a partner in Kingsley Napley’s family and divorce team. She specialises in dealing with financial settlements and the arrangements for children arising upon the breakdown of a relationship. Rachel is recognised in the Legal 500 and the Citywealth Leaders and Powerwomen Leaders lists.

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Our Successful Nesting Co-Parenting Arrangement Benefited From a Team of Professionals.
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Helping Children Cope with Divorce: 6 Essential Steps

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Psychologist and Founding Editor
TDM

Divorce happens. And as soon as the children know about it, that moment, can become a watershed moment for your child or children. However, as much as divorce is important, what is even more crucial is how it’s handled.

The divorce process is already physically, emotionally and mentally challenging making it extremely hard to play the good, attentive and caring parent as much you would like to.

You will make mistakes no doubt. You will say things and do things with your child in the room that you wish you hadn’t. Then you will spend time worrying that you have somehow permanently damaged your child.

“Crazy” moments like these, that are not consistent and repetitive, are quickly and easily mended with an acknowledgement from you to them that it shouldn’t have happened followed by a genuine apology.

Divorce being the delicate, confusing and life-changing time that it is, here are some important things to keep in mind when looking after your children:

  • Don’t go it alone! Get yourself some support. This is said so often yet it’s amazing how so many don’t do it and continue walking around like some sort of warrior person. You see without support, good, strong and objective support, you will crack. And when you do, the people closest to you will be the first to be affected and those people are very likely going to be your children. So put your own support system in place.
  • Don’t assume that your children understand why your marriage ended, especially the younger ones. You know why and your partner knows why too but for children, splitting up the family to make life better may not make any sense and if it doesn’t make sense then they cannot cope with it all. So do, pay attention to the questions they ask and try and answer them in the best way possible without painting their other parent as the horrid, evil villain – even if it’s true. Remember as Haim Ginott says, children never ask questions to which they know the answer
  • Avoid making promises that you know you won’t or cannot keep. Don’t say things on the spur of the moment just to make them feel better knowing that in time, the truth will reveal itself and they will be left feeling crushed. For instance don’t promise that you will get back together or that you will see them every weekend if you know that that will never be the case. If you don’t know what will happen, tell them exactly that.
  • Create parenting plans that are child centred and appropriate for their age as opposed to what works just for you. An 18-month toddler cannot build a good and loving relationship if he only sees his father once a month for one day. A parenting plan created for a three-yea-old is unlikely to work the same way on a 13 year old. So be prepared to adjust the plan as your child grows.
  • Do let your child’s school know what’s going on. Don’t ask your children to keep affairs of the home secret. It’s not fair. You school-aged child spends most of his/her/their waking time at school so they will need looking after there as much as at home.
  • A stitch in time saves nine. If you are concerned about your child’s changes in behaviour, then do contact a professional as soon as possible.This person can help you continue parenting your child as you would like. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing this, on the contrary, it means that you are continuing to look after your child by getting you and him/her help so as to make them feel better as they rebuild their lives.

Divorce is a watershed moment in the life of any child, no matter how amicable the whole process is.

Having said this, divorce needn’t be a trauma that permanently changes who your child is. Handle it well and it will be something your child went through at some point in his/her life as opposed to something that now and forever defines who they are.

Read more articles by Soila.

About Soila

Soila is a child development psychologist and the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine. She is known for easing the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and has been working with children and families for almost two decades.  Soila holds a BSc (Hons) in psychology from the Open University and an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London). She is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and very recently completed her professional doctoral training in Counselling Psychology and is awaiting registration.

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Mutual Parenting After Divorce: Putting Children First
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Mutual Parenting After Divorce: Putting Children First

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

It’s clear that staying together for the sake of the kids is no longer something we believe in.

In the UK, divorce rates are high (42% of marriages end up in divorce), and this is not likely to drop.

The question is then, what is best for our kids?

As a general rule what we do is more important than what we say and indeed much therapy in relationships is about getting people to look at actions not words; in our actions are our truths. This is never more so than in our parenting practice.

Modelling healthy behaviours around relationships and relationship breakups is of vital importance for our kids.

Children see a lot more than you think and see much less of what you imagine.

They are egocentric and look for their needs to be met. Around their family the core needs are, love, consistency and them being central to family life. The advice that follows relates to situations in which there is no danger to yourself or your children from the behaviour of your ex, such as situations of domestic abuse.

Safety of yourself and your kids are the most important issues there and the best thing you can do is get police and legal help to get away safely.

Putting Children First

If you are going through a breakup with your partner and have children, the key rule is to organise the breakup in a child centric way, to ensure you put them first during the process, that their needs for love and safety are met. Not by saying that it is important, but by showing it is important.

Some golden rules in navigating a child centred breakup:

  • Never trash talk your ex or soon to be ex around your kids.
  • Don’t put your children in a position to have to make choices about who they can be loyal to.
  • If possible, show affection and kindness to each other in front of your kids, even if this is painful. Maybe agree a script and touch boundaries.
  • Be honest with your kids about being sad about the breakup if that is true for you but explain that this happens between adults.
  • Try, if possible, to have ‘family’ events.
  • Think about blended family events if one person has another relationship.

Keep communication going

In parenting the key thing is ongoing communication between the parents and this is even more important between co-parents who are not sharing a physical home together.

A very close second to this is parents not undermining each other or allowing themselves to be played off against each other. Kids need consistency in the parenting they receive, and a breakup is no reason to fall down on this. It’s maybe better to rid yourself of the idea that you are breaking up because in many ways you are not. You will have a couple relationship for the life of your kids even into their adult relationships, but the boundaries will shift away from the sexual intimacy and house sharing for example. Although that is important to you, it shouldn’t have much impact on children if you maintain a loving and friendly co-parenting relationship.

There are key messages in all of this for your kids which are crucial for them for the whole of their lives:

  • They remain the most important thing in their parents’ lives.
  • Their parents are able to put their needs first and as divorce and breakup is likely for them, they can use this modelling in their later lives with their own kids.
  • Love relationships can survive change and remain healthy and strong when the boundaries change radically.

Successful co-parenting

The evidence for successful co-parenting is beyond challenge these days and if you manage to navigate it successfully there will be no damage to your children’s’ life outcomes.

Whilst divorce is still listed as an ACE (adverse childhood experience), it is more about how the divorce is navigated and it’s more correct to say a messy and acrimonious divorce is an ACE.

About Noel McDermott

Noel McDermott is the Founder of Mental Health Works Ltd. He has created unique, mental health services in the independent sector. Noel’s company offer at-home mental health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised care teams for the individual. They have recently launched a range of online therapy resources to help clients access help without leaving home.

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Is There Any Way of 'Forcing' a Non-Residential Parent to See His/Her Children?
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Is There Any Way of ‘Forcing’ a Non-Residential Parent to See His/Her Children?

Published on
Megan Bennie
Megan Bennie
Family Law Solicitor
Furley Page

For many co-parents, one of the most challenging aspects of separated parenting is when one parent does not choose to spend as much time with their child as the other parent thinks they ought to.   In some cases, a parent may not see their child at all, whether through choice or circumstance.

The short answer to the question of whether a parent can be forced to spend time with their child, which I know will be disappointing for a lot of parents, is no.  If a parent will not spend time with their child, then they cannot be forced to do so.   The courts are not prepared to make orders forcing contact, and it is difficult to see if and how such an order could be enforced, or whether such an order would be beneficial or productive.

It is worth remembering that even if one parent chooses not to see their child, they will still have a responsibility to make child maintenance payments and an application can be made to the Child Maintenance Service if it cannot be agreed directly.

However, where there is already an arrangement in place, by virtue of agreement or a court order, if the arrangement falters, there are steps that can be taken.

There will inevitably be circumstances in which contact does not take place for a period.  For example, illness, holidays, or other life circumstances. Where the change to the contact arrangement is tackled in a way that is sensitive to a child’s needs and courteous to the other parent, this need not be a major issue.

However, in circumstances where the withdrawal from contact/the relationship is for a prolonged period or comes suddenly with no explanation, it can leave children feeling let down, confused and as if they are not a priority.

It can also be distressing for the parent trying to facilitate the contact to see their child upset, and they may feel their efforts are not appreciated, leading to further breakdown in the relationship between the parents.  In such circumstances it may be more appropriate to look at how contact is structured and assess whether a different arrangement might benefit the child and promote contact, allowing for greater consistency.

There are many process options available for these discussions. For example, this could be addressed directly with the other parent, at mediation, by instructing a solicitor or, if all else fails, by making an application to the court:

  • What level is contact set at? The court will bear in mind what is going to be achievable for parents and children.  A parent who struggles to maintain a relationship with very regular contact sessions might be able to achieve less frequent contact, but if that contact is better quality – or actually takes place rather than being cancelled – it could be better for the child involved.
  • By what means is contact taking place? The parent-child relationship may be better maintained by means other than direct face-to-face contact time. Telephone or video calls could bridge the gap, or a parent in difficult circumstances might be able to accommodate those where spending time together in person simply isn’t possible.

For children who might have faced disappointment in the past through repeated or last-minute cancellations, calls or letters might fit more easily into their existing routine and limit the disruption they face, while still maintaining a relationship with the parent they don’t live with.

The age and capability of a child, as well as the effect and perception of any previous issues with contact, are important factors to consider.  What suits one child and promotes positive contact in a particular set of circumstances may not be suitable for another child or another set of circumstances.

If all else fails, the threat that future contact could be reduced can be a ‘stick rather than carrot’ approach to ensuring contact does go ahead.  The court can threaten to or even actually reduce contact, sometimes quite significantly, if it is apparent such a change is in the best interests of the child in question.  However, it would be exceedingly rare to have an order for no contact at all: the court tends to leave a door open for a parent/child relationship to continue except in the most severe of circumstances.

If you have questions about any aspects of child arrangements, whatever your situation, please do feel free to get in touch so one of the team of family law experts at Furley Page can help.

Contact Megan Bennie, Associate Solicitor in Furley Page’s family law team on 01227 763939 or email MEB@furleypage.co.uk.

Read more articles by Furley Page.

About Megan Bennie

Megan Bennie is an Associate in the family law team Furley Page.

Megan joined the team in 2021, having gained valuable previous experience at specialist family law firms featured in the Legal 500 directory.

Megan advises on all aspects of relationship breakdown, whether divorce or separation, including in relation to civil partnerships, dealing with issues such as the appropriate division of finances.

Megan also assists couples seeking to formalise arrangements through pre and post nuptial agreements and cohabitation (or living together) agreements. She can also assist with legal issues arising when cohabitation comes to an end whether there is a cohabitation agreement in place or not.

Megan can provide legal advice on a wide range of areas relating to children including arrangements for contact and who a child lives with, where a child lives (including relocation to another jurisdiction) and in relation to special guardianship and adoption.

Megan is primarily based at the Chatham office but is also available for meetings at either the Canterbury or Whitstable office.

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What is Guardianship of a Child

What is Guardianship of a Child?

Published on
Vanessa Fox
Partner and Head of
Family Law
hlw Keeble Hawson

The rights and needs of children are of paramount importance in the eyes of the law.

One way of offering them a voice during legal proceedings is through the appointment of a guardian ad litem.

Generally, a guardian will be assigned to any child involved in supervision or care proceedings. That person, who is almost always a representative provided by Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service), acts on behalf of the child in court and ensures any decision is made in their best interests.

As part of their responsibilities, the guardian usually selects and appoints a solicitor to represent the child and advises the guardian, who in turn will help the court to consider outcomes for the children in the proceedings.

This doesn’t tend to happen in private law, where issues are between parents or extended family. There is usually no guardian involved and, although Cafcass is often asked to provide an independent report, its role is usually limited in cases where some contact has been agreed by the parents.

However, times are changing and we are seeing an increase in guardians being appointed for children in private children proceedings. There are a number of reasons for this.

It could happen where one party is self-represented and the court feels that that psychological reports or other expert testimony is needed, or where the court feels that significant findings of fact need to be made.

In cases where there is considerable conflict between both parents over access to the child, sometimes referred to as ‘implacable hostility’ cases, a guardian will be appointed.

A court will usually put a guardian in place for the child if it is believed the child may not be safe or will be adversely affected by the conflict, between the parents, which can originate in either parent.

Once a court has decided to appoint a guardian, there can be benefits for all parties. The child has an independent social worker and an independent solicitor acting in their best interests.

Where older children are involved, whose opinions will be very important to the court, a guardian will seek these views and feed them back to the court. The guardian’s solicitor can also advise older children directly.

In addition, the view of the guardian can be seen as an independent view, sometimes a very helpful check on the conflicting views of parents or extended family, with the help of an experienced family lawyer to advise the guardian.

About Vanessa

hlw Keeble Hawson partner, Vanessa Fox, marked 25 years as head of the firm’s family law department in 2016.

Collaboratively trained and a qualified mediator, she has modernised South Yorkshire Resolution since becoming chair in 2013 and is also a member of the Law Society’s Family Law Panel and the Children Panel.

She can be contacted on 0114 290 6232 or at vanessafox@hlwkeeblehawson.co.uk.

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Dr Foster: a Stark Reminder why Children Should Never be Pawns in Parents’ Battles

Published on
Kate Banerjee
Partner and Head of the Children Department
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

The spotlight has fallen on youngsters who are caught in the explosive crossfire of warring parents following the volatile BBC melodrama, Doctor Foster.

The relentless and destructive behaviour of Tom’s divorced parents left the series on a cliffhanger, with the distraught 15 year old taking off on his own because all semblances of a normal family and school life had been stripped away.

The stark reality is that thousands of children and young people unwittingly find themselves trapped in the middle of constant conflict in the real world – irrespective of whether their parents are living together or apart.

Such damaging behaviour can not only affect youngsters’ mental health, the development of their social and emotional skills and academic achievements – it can also influence their ability to form future relationships

Responsible family lawyers put children at the heart of family law, always encouraging parents to work together to resolve their differences rather than engage in bitter conflict.

Couples who are not consumed by battles are more likely to strive towards supporting their offspring’s psychological and emotional needs. Failure to do so risks horrendous outcomes – as reinforced by Dr Foster’s conclusion.

I urge parents to choose collaboration over conflict at all times and follow these steps:

  1. Don’t use children as bargaining tools in your relationship with your ex – encourage them to see – and love – both parents.
  2. Linked with the above, don’t criticise your ex in front of them and avoid asking them directly or indirectly to take sides – no matter how resentful and bitter you feel about your former partner.
  3. Children need to feel loved by both parents as they struggle to come to terms with the breakdown of family life as they know it.
  4. Presenting a united front can help children to adjust. This includes agreeing on key areas such as bed times, amount of television or computer games and space and time for homework. For teenagers it extends to seeing friends and social/sports activities.
  5. Encourage your children to show a genuine interest in what they do during their time with the other parent.
  6. Listen to your sons and daughters; give them space and time to talk about their feelings.

I wholeheartedly understand that this guidance is given from the sanctuary of an office as opposed to the emotionally charged backdrops, which parents deal with daily when coping with their children and managing contact arrangements.

However, if both parents can draw on their inner strength to communicate with, and respond to, each other with dignity and care, they will reap the rewards of their children remaining loving and caring towards their mums and dads – and being considerably less likely to fall by the wayside of life.

About Kate Banerjee

Kate, Head of the Children Department at Leeds and London based Jones Myers, is highly skilled in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes.

She specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel with experience representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

As well as working regionally and nationally, Kate has considerable expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit.

Kate has “Higher Court Rights,” which enables her to offer clients an all-round litigation service.

 

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divorce and children's happiness

Children of Divorce – Why one Size does not Fit all when it Comes to Divorce and Children’s Happiness

Published on
Vanessa Fox
Partner and Head of
Family Law
hlw Keeble Hawson

In my long experience as a family lawyer, children of divorced or separated couples can be happy or unhappy – regardless of contact arrangements.

This view contradicts a study from Stockholm University which was widely reported and which claims that children who live full time with one parent are more likely to be stressed than those in shared custody.

Researchers say one explanation for the findings of the report – which relates to Swedish families 14 years ago – may be that children who spend most of their time away from one parent, lose contact with relatives, friends and money.

Rather than be drawn into the often widely differing findings of such studies, it is perhaps more important to concentrate on common sense, and take practical measures to reduce the impact of divorce and separation on children’s health and wellbeing.

While my professional experience is largely confined to parents who are in conflict during or following a break-up, it is apparent that different triggers spark stress in children and young people.

A child living with one parent could be thoroughly miserable with the arrangement – missing the other dreadfully, left insecure by the split – and with profound feelings of guilt and great trepidation about the future. If they have a good reason for not wanting to always be with the lone parent – their stress levels will escalate.

Conversely children whose separated parents get on very well – and who have regular contact with both – may become anxious over handovers from one parent to the other. Causes of aggravation might be unwelcome journeys, separation from friends, pressure of meeting schedules and unease with a non-resident parent they do not know as well.

The overarching goal in these situations is the same as that which lies at the heart of family law: in all cases and circumstances, the wellbeing of the child must come first.

While it is understandable at the outset of divorce or separation for both parents to want to share custody and contact equally, there are often so many reasons why this is not always possible. For example, children may not benefit from seeing both parents if one has insufficient time to sustain a relationship and stay abreast of their interests.

What is crucial is that parents do all they can to sort things out with maximum cooperation and minimum argument. It is vital that they behave like responsible grown-ups in arranging the needs and comfort of their children – planning meticulously, if possible together, and explaining lifestyle changes to the children as soon as possible.

To achieve this, parents can work with professional advisers who can guide them through all the considerations that make an amicable outcome possible and help reach agreement constructively through a collaborative route to divorce.

About Vanessa

hlw Keeble Hawson partner, Vanessa Fox, marked 25 years as head of the firm’s family law department in 2016.

Collaboratively trained and a qualified mediator, she has modernised South Yorkshire Resolution since becoming chair in 2013 and is also a member of the Law Society’s Family Law Panel and the Children Panel.

She can be contacted on 0114 290 6232 or at vanessafox@hlwkeeblehawson.co.uk.

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Children of Divorce – When a Child Becomes the Caregiver after Divorce or Separation

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

I often say that it’s ok for your children to see you upset when going through divorce and separation.

It is important for them to know that you too are hurting because by knowing this and by showing your emotions, you are inadvertently giving them permission to feel the pain and hurt that the divorce process gives rise to and also just to show them that you are indeed human after all.

It’s usually very difficult for a child, especially a sensitive one, to watch his mother cry or father fall apart and not do anything about it or feel that they are somehow responsible for the sadness or breakdown.

They will very often do their best to rectify the situation by taking care of you, in the best way that they know; asking you if you’re all right, if they can get you something or do something to make you feel better.

This is a very normal reaction to a specific situation but allowing it to become the norm or to persist, you’re changing your child’s life trajectory.  

When a child become a caregiver they become your advisor, your mentor, the person looking after you.  This set-up is definitely not conducive to helping children cope with divorce.

When a parent makes a statement like, “I rely on Sophia to make me feel better.  She takes care of me. She’s the only one who understands me,” the first question that comes to my mind is, “And whom does Sophia turn to? What does Tom do with his own feelings and thoughts of fear, confusion and loss?

The answer to this is most likely that she suppresses them or blocks them because there is nowhere else to take them. There is no adult container for their adverse and undesirable thoughts and feelings. There is no outlet, no vent so how are they coping with divorce.

Your child’s role has changed.

“When a child turned caregiver tries to attend to her own needs and wishes, she feels guilty and undeserving…When a child forfeits her childhood and adolescence to take on responsibilities for a parent, her capacity to enjoy her life as a young person, develop close friendships and cultivate shared interests is sacrificed…it is an overburdening that seriously inhibits the child’s freedom to separate normally and to lead a healthy adolescence…”[1]

So, it is okay for your child to see you cry, be distressed and upset because fact is that the divorce process is a difficult journey for all to be on.

It is beneficial and advantageous for them to know that you are hurting too but, hard as it maybe, we need to continue being the parents and the adults in the room, the container and processor of your child’s feelings of anxiety, fear and confusion in seeing the family unit he once knew disintegrate into something unfamiliar and foreign.

[1] Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J., and Blakeslee, S.,(2002), ‘The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study.’

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child is hurting

Parenting after Separation – What to do when your Child is Hurting

Published on

I cannot tell you how many of my adult friends went through some truly traumatic experiences as children which they never told their parents about until much later, if at all.

Yet one thing almost every one of them has said at some point or other is that they’re surprised their parents never noticed the changes in their behaviour caused by their experience.

Truth be told, all children will experience some sort of distressful experience at some point or other.

Some will see their parents divorce or separate, some will lose a close friend or parent through various circumstances whereas some will be victims of bullying or witnesses to a traumatic event.

Whatever your child goes through, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings and answer their questions.  Children will ask about things they need and want to know and understand.  They seek clarification and explanation of what they don’t get.

As a parent or guardian, when your child is hurting:

• Are you able to feel what they may be experiencing including their emotional struggles?

• Do you listen to your child with empathy and compassion?

• Are you able to verbally acknowledge and validate their feelings of distress to them?

You may wonder why any of this is important to do.

Well, simply put, when you contain your children’s feelings and emotions they develop feelings of security and safety.  They learn how to trust their own feelings as opposed to doubt if what they’re feeling is right or justified and I’m sure you will agree that learning to trust your own feelings is one of the greatest qualities an adult can possess.

The thing is, if and when their feelings of hurt are not acknowledged and taken care of, not only will their ability to recover from this experience be impacted, but so will their development.

Saying things like, “I’m sorry it happened”, “It’s normal and ok to feel sad when things like these happen”, and “It’s ok to cry” can go a long way in helping them cope.

Remember, you can say this to infants too.  They may not respond as you would expect but that doesn’t mean they cannot hear you nor the concern and care in the tone of your voice. Talk to them.

Where feelings are persistently left unattended to or recognised, your child may instead learn to do the following as a means of coping:

  • stop or bury their own feelings
  • learn not to trust their own feelings
  • learn to introject or identify with other people’s feeling instead of their own which may in turn mean that the life choices that they end up making are based more on other people’s feelings and wishes as opposed to their own

When your child is hurting, they will show you, probably more than tell you. Changes in their actions, behaviours and temperament may be more visible indicators that there’s something wrong.  Ask them. Tell them that you have noticed there have been some changes in them.  Bring it out into the open.

They need to know that you know.  They need to know that you are aware and that you care. Ask them and take care of it for them.

Let me know how I can help – soila@parentinglives.co.uk

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a Child Development Psychologist, accredited Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) parenting practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is a member of Resolution and a graduate member of the British Psychological Society.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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A Father’s Thoughts for His Son on Divorce and Co-Parenting

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

My good friend has kindly consented to sharing two journal entries from the years after his marriage breakdown.

He keeps this journal for his son to read as an adult.

As a renowned professional in his field, this piece is at one level a reflection on the impact of work/personal life balance and the price paid for fame.

At another level it demonstrates the difficult but vital role successful co-parenting plays in the aftermath of marriage breakdown. He reflects on his pain and sorrow. Infused in all of it is hope for the understanding and effort he and his former wife made to help their son navigate life after divorce.

May 2009

You are 11 and I’m 67.

The time that has passed has demonstrated, more than anything that your Mom’s and my life are so fundamentally different is so many ways that we could not possibly have predicted when you were born.

But one fact has not changed – how much I love and care about you.

Your Mom decided to leave me and move ahead on her own path in the fall of 2007.  She told me on Halloween night and we told you a couple of weeks later.

You were devastated.

Apparently, when this happened a year or so before to somebody you knew, your Mom had told you it would never happen to you.  That’s all you could say at first, “You promised me it would never happen to me!”

I felt your pain so strongly; I still do.

Your Mom took responsibility for the decision, but I know she worries that you will blame her or lose trust in the women who come into your life.

I know also that she would like me to share the blame and at some level I must; all relationships are about two people and their interactions.

The good thing is that we have maintained a positive relationship, especially as it affects you.

Your Mom didn’t move until after Christmas that year so that it would be as normal as possible for you.  We then went together to Mexico in February, again keeping life as normal as possible.

It has not been all smooth sailing of course, but we have held it together and it gets better as time goes by.

We share parenting without conflict and share special occasions, most recently Easter morning.  The first year was very hard on you with several breakdowns that made clear your pain and gave me such heartache.

I could only hold you and share the pain.  That may never leave you, but you seem much better lately.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wrote above in comparison to what I had written a few years ago.  Then I strongly cautioned that we must put family and relationships first, listening and taking to heart what the women in our lives say.

Did I fail that badly?  The question comes up right now because I have a girlfriend. She never had children and so can’t readily understand the fact that you come first, and my time for her is partly dependent on what is going on here at the home front.

But I nevertheless find this a very hard question to answer right now, and it is probably one you will face sooner or later.

Anyway, it all seemed so clear a few years ago, but now I’m not so sure about a lot of things to do with relationships.  I think part of the problem is that our society today is so oriented to acquiring things, doing things, and succeeding in a very complex, frantic world.

Add to that the shifting understanding of the relative roles of men and women and the desire of women to have equal opportunity and pursue equally fulfilling careers, and we end up with patterns of living that run counter to our root, biological patterns.

Read a little anthropology and you will see what I’m getting at and how the world began to change about three centuries ago with the introduction of money economies and trade.

I’m digressing, but the point is that neither men nor women can really do it all, all the time.

Could I have kept a home office instead of renting one near the canal when you were two, traveled less and devoted less time to work, and still have provided the income to buy things, go places and do what we all seemed to want?  I doubt it.

Today I earn more than I did at the normal peak of a career because I work hard and give work a high priority.

Don’t misunderstand me — I like the applause and prominence that I enjoy right now.   But I don’t like what it seems to have meant for us as a family.

And when I look at our society and the rate of family fracturing and divorce, I have to ask if this is not also a root cause for so many; that, along with the modern idea that we are owed happiness, with happiness (whatever that is) taking precedence over responsibility.

June 2009

I’m now sitting in the airport waiting for delayed flights after two long, intense days of meetings.

When I had to break off above, I was struggling with the idea of what exactly we can do to meet expectations in a relationship and still meet the expectations of those who hire and pay or depend on us for their jobs and incomes.  I don’t think I know an answer.

As I said the last time, I don’t know the answer to the question of how to neatly package work and home and meet the expectations of people in both worlds.

But don’t kid yourself, you can’t have a job and also have everything else you might want.

You are used to getting pretty much everything you want or need, within reason; certainly more than I ever got because we were very, very poor.

We didn’t even have running water in our little country house when I was in Grade 7/8 and high school.

Compromise may be the answer, and we each have to decide where and how to compromise.  On several occasions you have said that you do not want fame, but you do want to be rich.  Those two often go together, so I’ll be interested to see how it works out.

None of the above denies the importance of our relationships and of family, but it isn’t easy in our modern world and it seems to get harder.

As I mentioned above, I was supposed to speak this morning in New York and people were paying me to come.

When the flight was cancelled at about 7:20 pm and there was no way for me to get there, I hastily emailed the only people I had addresses for to let them know, hoping they would see the emails this morning and be ready when people showed up.

The thing is that all three of the people I emailed got back to me within two hours last night.  What are they doing looking at emails to do with work at that hour?

And that’s the point; it’s a call, text, email, never get out of contact world, and it takes a toll on us as humans, on our families and our relationships.

ABOUT LINDA

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

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How to Deal with Lies

How to Deal with Lies your Ex Feeds your Child – Part 2

Published on
Ruth A. S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)

Based on the illusory truth effect your child is now a target of abuse.

As a parent you are deprived of doing what you really want to do: Parent your child!

You need to speak up. How do you respond?

What you want to say involves engaging in a barrage of of accusatory and condescending remarks. Words exchanged will mimic previous conversations of which there was no resolve.

We can safely assume no new information will emerge from this interaction leading to the conclusion that a different option may be more productive.

What you could say offers a flimsy and sarcastic response. At least you replied without going on a ranting diatribe. Right?

What you should say means responding as a caring, loving, safeguarding and responsible parent.

Why should the targeted parent choose a cordial and non-confrontational method?

Seemingly, the only thing worse than one parent chirping in the child’s ear is two parents coming from both sides saying how they should act, feel and think.

Simply put, someone needs to be the parent!

Here are three common scenarios using illusory truth effect and possible responses:

1) “Your parent has not called. Your parent does not want to talk to child. Your parent would rather do anything than call child”.

Truth: Targeted parents’ calls go unanswered, told ‘child is busy’ or messages are not relayed.

What the targeted parent wants to say: You want to think your co-parent will honor your child’s relationship with both parents. And, complying with court orders is a logical assumption. Correct?

What this does: Continues the confrontational aggression and blame dynamics. Undoubtedly, a rerun will not yield different results.

What the targeted parent could say:” I did call you. Your parent is just telling you that. Here is the phone bill-see? Look at how many times I called you”.

What this does: Divorce is between the parents-about the child! Involving your child will not address the problem. Showing the phone bill is may not be the best option for two reasons.

First, the child truly believes the words of their other parent. Reiterating your beliefs onto them insinuates the child is wrong.  Their other parent is already making efforts to sway them against you.

Two, phone bills are not for children. In essence, this response perpetuates the arguing by creating drama at the expense of your child.

What the targeted parent should say: “That must be hurtful to think I did not call you.  I am not sure why your parent would say that. That is not what happened although I understand you think I did not call you.  I absolutely love talking with you and always look forward to hearing about what you are doing and what is happening in your life. You can call me at anytime. I am always excited to talk to you. I am always available to you.”

What this does: Demonstrates empathy and concern for what your child is experiencing. Remember, their other parent, who they also love and trust is telling them something else, albeit a lie. Because of the illusory truth effect even if your child knows a fact to be true or not true, in hearing the fact over and over again they begin to see the untrue fact as the truth. Imagine how confusing this must be for them. Which parent do they listen to?

2) “Your parent does not love you.  If they really did care they would ____.”

Truth:  Targeted parents love their child and miss their child very much. (Not to mention that a parent telling their own child such a complete and utter lie is horrible.)

 What the targeted parent wants to say: Engage in a repetitive conversation filled with accusations and name calling of which no new information will emerge.

What this does: Arguing will not improve this situation. Some parents will never grasp the immediate or long-term ramifications of their words.

What the targeted parent could say: “That is crazy. Of course I care about you.  I love you!”

What this does: An abrupt and incomplete response does not address the issue or offer empathy.

What the targeted parent should say: “That must have been confusing to hear. There is nothing farther from the truth, I love you very much. We both love you. Your parent and I are divorced and living in different homes and that has nothing to do with our love for you. I know that you love both of us.  I am not sure why your parent would say that. I love you more than anything and I will always be here for you.”

What this does: Honoring their feelings validates their experience. Remaining calm, confident and steadfast is key. This is an opportunity to connect with your child and inquire about their emotions.

3) “The reason we are divorced is because your parent _____.   If your parent wanted us to be happy they would ____. What is wrong with your parent?”

Truth: One parent is attempting to undermine their child’s relationship with the targeted parent: a textbook case of emotional abuse.

 What the targeted parent wants to say: Set the record straight.

What this does: Combatting comments are a moot point. Parents who engage in these antics are not receptive to logic or reality.

What the targeted parent could say: “Your parent is the one who left us.  I am not the one who _____.  Your parent is out of control.”

What this does: Escalates confusion and prolongs the feuding.

What the targeted parent should say: “That must be confusing and scary for you. I am glad you shared that with me. I am sorry you had to hear the unkind words. I wish your parent would not discuss adult matters with you. Sometimes people say things that are not true. Your parent and I clash on a few things; however, the one thing we both agree on is how much we love you. Is there anything else bothering you that you would like to talk about? I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. I will always be here for you.”

What this does: Acknowledges their experience in hearing bitter words about a parent they also love. Validating their thoughts demonstrates regard and respect. This opens the door for asking about their feelings and learning what may be causing anxiety, emotional pain or stress. Focusing on the child’s anger and hurt feelings is more important than proving their other parent wrong.

Regardless of the game playing how you respond to the accusations and name calling will make a difference to your child.

Will this happen immediately? Probably not. Eventually, your child will reject the overbearing and toxic environment.  Overtime your child will come to know the truth and see you as a calm, consistently caring, and thoughtful parent who offers a kind, loving and peaceful home.

Responding in an attentive, loyal and responsible manner allows you to do what you really want: Parent your child!

Part 1 explains the Truth vs. the Illusory truth. – Divorce Lies and the Impact on your child

References:

www.sciencedirect.com

www.businessinsider.com

www.theacorn.com

metro.co.uk

ABOUT RUTH

Ruth is a Certified Family Life Educator and advocate for SharedParenting.  She works in the arena of Shared Parenting focusing on the parent/child relationship in the divorce process.

Ruth actively participates in establishing equal parenting in custody and divorce. She has authored several articles on divorce, Family Court and Shared Parenting and is a contributor at the Huffington Post. She manages 3 sites directed toward the shared parenting arena and created a survey evaluating parents’ experience in Family Court.

LIKE on: Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional

Research and information offered to enhance the parent-child relationship.    SharedParentingInfo.com

 

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Practical Divorce Strategies for Teachers

Practical Divorce Strategies for Teachers & School Counselors

Published on
Michelle Manno
Michelle Manno
Education Writer at 2U

Childhood is an exciting but constantly evolving time in life, and the upheaval of divorce can interrupt and influence how children develop and think about the world around them.

Because children spend so much of their day in school, educational staff are in a unique position to provide guidance for kids and changing families.

Counseling@NYU recently published an online guide for school counselors and other staff for supporting students who are dealing with divorce.

The guide recommends that the best support starts with challenging the myths of divorce, honoring the developmental level of the child, modeling open communication, and encouraging creative problem-solving.

Challenge the Myths

When considering the topic of divorce, it’s imperative to challenge your own biases and false assumptions about how a changing family can impact young people.

Teachers and school counselors may unknowingly exhibit lower expectations or other biases against kids with divorced parents. Because divorce can increase risk for long-term social and mental health problems, staff also must challenge the “they’ll get over it” philosophy that can take root when children react negatively to change.

Staff may also encounter parents who subscribe to the myth that children do best when they know as little possible.

School counselors, teacher, and administrators can encourage open communication in families so that children are not left to their own fears and imaginations.

Finally, the guide notes that research has debunked the myth that teenagers have an easier time with divorce than children. Teens are at a particularly high risk for engaging in risky behaviors during a divorce, so staff may have to remind parents’ that their teens are not yet fully adults and sometimes struggle to understand and navigate family changes. 

Consider Developmental Level

Kids are constantly testing out new ideas and behaviors, which lead to inevitable growing pains.

Teachers and school counselors must observe and consider which of these pains are part of the developmental process and which are signs that a child might be struggling with family changes like divorce. These signs can differ depending on the age of the child.

Younger children may exhibit physical symptoms like stomach pains or regress to younger responses like throwing tantrums or separation anxiety.

Researchers also have noticed that children in upper elementary school grades often try to take on emotional responsibility for their parents or get into more frequent fights with their peers. Teenagers will often revert to acting extremely negative or engaging in risky behaviors like sex, skipping school, or substance use. All of these signs are an indication that children may need extra support in coping with a divorce.

Stay Connected with Everyone

When conflict is high, it’s natural to revert to taking a side.

Even if you know or sympathize with a particular parent during a divorce, it’s important to remember that your ultimate priority is the child. Teachers and school counselors should try their best to communicate with both parents, to not keep secrets for one parent, and to advocate for the child. They can also include step-parents and other guardians who care for the child by having parents sign off on their involvement.

Because children in high-conflict divorce situations are often used as a “go between” for parents, staff can also educate parents about the emotional risks of pressuring their child to take on adult responsibilities or take sides.

Since children aren’t legally entitled to all of the privileges of confidentiality, school counselors may struggle with what to tell parents and what to keep between them and the child. Teachers and school counselors can facilitate conversations between parents and children so that children don’t feel betrayed by their teacher or counselor.

Be Creative 

It’s amazing how far a little bit of creative thinking can go toward supporting kids in difficult family situations.

Support groups are just one great examples of how students can feel heard and build resilience during a difficult time. If you’re thinking of starting a group at your school, make sure that students are around the same age, the duration matches their attention span, and that students have the ability to opt out if they change their mind.

Teachers of older children and teenagers can also incorporate examples of blended or diverse families in their curriculum to normalize family changes.

If you work with younger children, consider having an older student come to speak to a group or class about what helped them through a divorce or what they like about their blended family. The options are limitless when you access your creativity, so don’t forget that you can do a lot more than having one simple conversation about divorce.

When it comes to helping children through divorce, the small, thoughtful, and creative efforts of teachers and school counselors will add up over time. Even if parents are challenging, teachers and counselors can do a lot to reduce stigma and help students feel less alone. Consider what role you can play to help kids cope with divorce in your school community today.

 About Michelle

Michelle Manno is an education writer at 2U and has her Master’s Degree in Educational Psychology and Research.

She works with schools such as Counseling@NYU, the online master’s in school counseling from NYU Steinhardt, to create resources that support K-12 students. Say hi on Twitter @michellermanno.

 

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