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"They'll Be Fine": Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn't the Whole Truth
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“They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried. 

As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realise how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I looked like I was fine. Inside, I was just surviving. 

In my twenties, my mom gently pointed out that I seemed to overreact to little things. She was right. I felt edgy, overwhelmed, and ashamed of how easily I snapped. I had no idea what was going on with me. Was it my parents’ divorce and conflict? My father’s and stepmother’s toxic behavior toward my mom and me, and their need for control? Had this unstable and neglectful environment affected me so much? Yes, apparently it had. 

But here’s the thing: children don’t always show the effects of divorce right away. On the outside, I looked like I was managing. I went to school, had friends, did what I was “supposed” to do. I even made it to university, earned my first degree, and completed a post-grad programme. 

That’s what adults often see as resilience in kids during divorce: a child carrying on, coping, adapting. What’s harder to see is the cost of that coping. 

My story isn’t unique. Many children of divorce appear to be “fine” while silently carrying pain that surfaces years later. And that’s why I want to pause on the phrase we all hear, and sometimes even say ourselves: “Kids are resilient.”

Therapy and Understanding

Four and a half years of therapy later, I began to understand myself better. I wasn’t just “reactive.” I was having trauma responses. My nervous system had learned to survive chaos, and all the emotions I had stuffed away were finally demanding to be felt. 

That’s what unresolved childhood pain and anxiety look like. It doesn’t always surface immediately; it comes out later in our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships. 

And yet, through it all, I kept hearing the same refrain: “They’ll be fine. Kids bounce back”. 

The truth? Resilience doesn’t mean untouched. It doesn’t mean unaffected. It means that for some children, they survive, but survival can carry invisible scars that take years to heal. 

Why We Say It

If you’re a parent going through a separation or divorce, especially a high-conflict one, you’ve probably said it too: “ the kids will be okay,” or you really hope they will be. 

It slips out almost automatically, a way to calm the fear of not knowing how deeply this might be affecting your child. We don’t always say it because it’s true. We say it because we need it to be. 

And those messages don’t just come from inside us. They echo all around us, through friends, family, teachers, even strangers: 

  • “They’ll adjust.” 
  • “Kids are tough.” 
  • “My cousin’s kids turned out fine.”

Society, too, is uneasy with grief, conflict, and uncertainty. It feels safer to lean on comforting shortcuts than to sit with the reality that children might be struggling. That’s why “Kids are resilient” becomes our shield. 

A Psychological Shortcut

When I was studying for my thanatology degree, I learned about Terror Management Theory (TMT), sometimes explained more simply as the Anxiety Buffer Theory. The core idea is this: when painful truths feel unbearable, our minds cling to beliefs that make the world feel less threatening. 

Take divorce, for example. Parents often reassure themselves with, “They’ll adjust.” And while it’s true that children can adapt, this belief often functions as a protective shield for the parent. It eases guilt, fear, and shame about the impact divorce may have on their kids. The danger is that it can keep us from seeing what children really need: emotional safety, reassurance, and consistent support. 

We do this in other areas of life, too. Imagine hearing that a neighbour has been diagnosed with lung cancer. A common first response is, “Were they a smoker?” If the answer is yes, it reduces our anxiety; we can tell ourselves the illness was linked to a choice, which makes us feel safer. But if the answer is no, the truth feels scarier, because it reminds us that illness can strike anyone, even without warning. 

What If They’re Not Fine?

Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, does affect children. It touches:

  • Their nervous system
  • Their sense of safety 
  • Their ability to trust 
  • Their beliefs about love and conflict 

Not every child shows it right away. Some hold it together because they think that’s their role. But holding it in doesn’t mean they’re okay. 

Resilience isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s built through emotional safety, consistency, validation, and supportive relationships. 

What Children Need

If you’re navigating divorce, here’s how to support real resilience: 

  • Emotional Safety: Let them feel all their emotions, anger, sadness, relief, without trying to fix them. 
  • Consistency: Keep routines where you can. Predictability is grounding. 
  • Honest Reassurance: Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them they’re loved. Explain what will stay the same. 
  • Permission to Love Both Parents (if safe): Kids should never feel like they have to choose sides. 
  • Therapeutic Support: Even short-term counseling can give children tools and language to process what’s happening. 

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up, reflect, and let them know it’s safe to be real with you.

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

Parents usually don’t say it to dismiss their kids. They say it to survive their pain. The alternative, that our choices or circumstances might hurt our children, is heavy. But pain doesn’t vanish when we deny it. It resurfaces later, often in ways we don’t expect. 

My mom probably didn’t know. It was the 1970s, and back then, people assumed divorce was just between the adults and that kids would simply bounce back. She did her best with what she had, and I hold a lot of compassion for what she went through without much support. 

But today, we know better. The effects are real. It’s time to let go of the shortcut phrases, “kids are resilient,” “they’ll bounce back,” as ways to comfort ourselves. Research is clear: resilience isn’t automatic. Children don’t just bounce back from divorce, especially in high-conflict situations. Resilience has to be nurtured through emotional safety, consistency, and support. 

The hopeful part? Research also shows that most children can and do turn out well when they have even one supportive parent who shows up consistently and provides a secure base. One safe, steady relationship can be enough to anchor them and foster resilience. 

Children deserve more than survival; they deserve healing. Resilience isn’t something they magically possess. It’s something we help them build. And the first step is awareness: not assuming they’ll be fine, but committing to helping them become so. 

References 

  • Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 29, 61–139.
  • https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60016-9 
  • Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227

Disclaimer: This blog reflects my personal experiences and research. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you or your children are struggling during or after divorce, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for support.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

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World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early
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World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

Why Relationship Breakdown Magnifies Suicide Risk

A relationship ending is not a minor life event. It represents the loss of an attachment bond, and that loss can have profound consequences for psychological and physical wellbeing. Many people who function well in other areas of life describe feeling destabilised after separation or divorce. They often report fragmented sleep, inconsistent appetite, and difficulty concentrating. These reactions are not signs of weakness; they are normal physiological responses to the removal of an important source of stability. ¹ ²

Research supports this clinical reality. A large systematic review published in 2025 examined more than 100 million men across 30 countries and identified relationship breakdown as a consistent risk factor for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and deaths. The risk was especially pronounced in separated and divorced men. ³ ⁴ ⁵ ⁶ While this effect is most visible in men, women are by no means immune. The critical point is that the sudden loss of relational security creates vulnerability for anyone. Clinically, we observe a common pattern across genders: periods of agitation or heightened anxiety alternating with detachment or emotional numbness. ¹ ²

Neuroscience provides an explanation. Our nervous system relies on close relationships to regulate stress responses. When a relationship ends, the cues that maintained regulation, shared routines, presence, reassurance, are abruptly removed. ⁷ ⁸ This disorganisation can leave people feeling erratic, disoriented, and unable to manage tasks that previously felt simple. ⁹

How Suicidal Ideation Can Form After A Breakup

There are well-established psychological models that help us to understand the pathway from relational loss to suicidal risk.

The Interpersonal Theory of Suicide describes how risk increases when people experience both a loss of belonging and a sense of burdensomeness, particularly when combined with exposure to pain or a reduced fear of death. After a breakup, it is common for both belonging and self-worth to be undermined simultaneously. ¹⁰

The Integrated Motivational–Volitional (IMV) Model highlights how feelings of defeat and entrapment may give rise to suicidal thoughts, and how factors such as access to means or impulsivity determine whether those thoughts progress to action. ¹¹

Clinical practice also tells us that people struggle with the brain’s intolerance of uncertainty. After separation, individuals frequently describe compulsive cycles of rumination, the neurocognitive drive to resolve unfinished business which involves frequent replaying of conversations, messages, or imagined scenarios in an attempt to make sense of what happened. ¹² ¹³ This is not a character flaw; it reflects the mind’s effort to close unresolved loops.

In some cases, this process extends to an almost mythic weight placed on “final notes” or explanations. ¹⁴ Lee says “ultimately when rumination cannot close the loop, people may elevate the idea of a definitive explanation, farewell, or “final note” into something larger than life. It becomes mythic in the sense that it carries disproportionate symbolic importance, a perceived way to bring closure to unbearable uncertainty.”

We also know from the Polyvagal Theory that when attachment bonds rupture, the nervous system may lose access to its calm, socially engaged state. Instead, it can shift into patterns of fight, flight, or shutdown. ¹⁵ Recognising these biological processes helps us to treat them with compassion rather than judgement.

The Red Flags: What To Watch For After A Relationship Ends

Established public health guidance lists a number of clear warning signs for suicide, including talking about wanting to die, feeling trapped or being a burden, marked increases in substance use, agitation or rage, social withdrawal, disrupted sleep, dramatic mood swings, searching for methods, or making specific plans. ¹⁶ ¹⁷

Following a breakup, there are additional indicators to watch for:

  • Somatic dysregulation, such as restless sleep, exhaustion, and difficulty thinking clearly. ¹⁸
  • Avoidance of tasks that confirm the new reality, for example unopened letters or ignored legal documents, combined with intense responses to everyday reminders. ¹⁹ ²⁰
  • Fluctuations between anxiety and numbness, often appearing outwardly functional while internally overwhelmed. ²¹ ²²
  • Self-blame and shame loops, even when the relationship itself was harmful. ²³

Escalating risk can be seen in behaviours such as acquiring means, rehearsing farewells, giving away possessions, or displaying a sudden calm after a period of turmoil. ¹⁷ Restricting access to lethal means remains the single most effective intervention for preventing suicide. ²⁴ ²⁵ ²⁶

What The Person Is Most Often Worried About

The common concerns that drive suicidal thinking after relationship breakdown include:

  1. Loss of belonging and identity, a destabilising sense of “Who am I now?” ²⁷

  2. Entrapment and defeat, feeling caught in conflict, legal battles, or social disapproval, with no clear escape. ¹¹

  3. Perceived burdensomeness, believing that one’s continued existence causes harm to others. ¹⁰

  4. Compulsive rumination, replaying events in a search for closure. ¹²

  5. Invisible grief, appearing outwardly resilient while feeling privately overwhelmed. ²⁸

A Practical Response Plan

  1. Ask directly. It is safe and appropriate to use clear language: “Are you thinking about suicide?” If the answer is yes, remain with the person, limit access to means, and escalate to professional or emergency support. ²⁴ ²⁵

  2. Remove access to means. Secure medications, sharp objects, or other potential methods, and avoid high-risk locations. ²⁶

  3. Support regulation before reflection. When the nervous system is in distress, insight is limited. Encourage grounding through breathing, movement, or quiet companionship. ⁹ ¹⁵

  4. Introduce routine and ritual. Even small rituals, such as daily check-ins or shared meals, provide stability and meaning that support recovery. ²⁹

  5. Create a written safety plan. This should include supportive people to contact, safe places to go, regulating activities, steps to reduce access to means, and scheduled professional appointments.

  6. Listen for language of hopelessness or burdensomeness. Phrases such as “There is no way out” or “I am a problem for everyone” require immediate attention. ¹⁰ ¹¹

For Friends And Family

Supporting someone after a breakup requires patience, steadiness, and clarity. A practical approach might include:

  • Observing and naming changes without judgement.
  • Asking directly about suicidal thoughts.
  • Offering calm companionship, such as sitting or walking together. ¹⁵Taking steps to reduce access to means. ²⁶
  • Involving an additional trusted person.
  • Establishing small rituals of contact, such as daily check-ins. ²⁹
  • Following up consistently.

Understanding and Supporting Recovery

When someone is struggling after a breakup, it helps to remember that their reactions are biological survival responses rather than signs of weakness. ³⁰ “Feelings of panic, exhaustion, or hopelessness are the body’s way of responding to a profound loss” says Lee. “It’s important to understand that suicidal thoughts can often follow a pathway: first, the sense of overwhelming defeat or entrapment, and then the possibility of acting on those feelings if access to means is easy or rehearsed.” ¹¹ Recognising this pathway allows us to step in early.

Supporting someone also means helping them manage rumination, those cycles of replaying events and searching for explanations, by encouraging grounding techniques or limiting the time spent in these thoughts. ¹² Families and friends can also play a critical role in safety by reducing access to potential means of harm and creating safer environments. ²⁵ ²⁶

Finally, when a suicide does occur in a community, the way we respond matters. Structured support, open conversation, and ongoing contact reduce the risk of further harm for those left behind. ³¹

Changing The Narrative

The theme of World Suicide Prevention Day is “Changing the Narrative.” In this context, changing the narrative means moving away from minimising the impact of relationship loss and recognising it as a significant clinical risk factor.

The facts are clear:

  • Relationship breakdown places anyone at risk, with particularly high vulnerability for men. ³ ⁵
  • Warning signs are usually visible if we take the time to look and ask. ¹⁶
  • The progression from suicidal thought to action is preventable, especially when means safety and social support are in place. ²⁴ ²⁵

Our individual responsibility is to combine practical measures with compassion. Survivors of relationship breakdown are not “broken;” they are people carrying more than their nervous system can manage in that moment. With appropriate support, co-regulation, and steady engagement, recovery is possible. ³² ³³

Lee comments: “On this World Suicide Prevention Day, I would encourage you to remain attentive to those around you. If you are struggling, reach out. If you see someone else struggling, lean in. I firmly believe that presence and action can change the course of a life”.

References

  1. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  2. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  3. Corsi, M. et al. “Relationship breakdown and suicide risk in men: A systematic review.” BMC Psychiatry. 2025.

  4. Scourfield, J. et al. “Separation and divorce as suicide risk factors.” Journal of Affective Disorders. 2024.

  5. Schaan, V.K. et al. “Divorce, separation and suicide mortality: A population-level study.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2023.

  6. Kposowa, A. “Divorce and suicide risk: A global perspective.” Social Science & Medicine. 2022.

  7. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 2, Nervous System Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  8. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 3, Somatic Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  9. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 13, Regulation Before Reflection. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  10. Joiner, T. Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press, 2005.

  11. O’Connor, R.C. The Integrated Motivational–Volitional Model of Suicidal Behaviour. Routledge, 2011.

  12. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  13. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 5, Open Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  14. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 6, Final Notes. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  15. Porges, S.W. The Polyvagal Theory. Norton, 2011.

  16. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Suicide Warning Signs and Symptoms. 2024.

  17. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Risk Factors and Warning Signs. 2024.

  18. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 4, Somatic Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  19. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 6, Daily Avoidance. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  20. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 7, Environmental Triggers. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  21. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 8, Oscillation States. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  22. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 9, Numbness. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  23. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 3, Shame Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  24. World Health Organization. Suicide Prevention: Restricting Access to Means. WHO, 2024.

  25. Pirkis, J. et al. “The effectiveness of structural interventions at suicide hotspots.” Crisis. 2019.

  26. Zalsman, G. et al. “Means restriction for suicide prevention.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2016.

  27. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 10, Identity Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  28. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 12, Hidden Grief. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  29. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 14, Rituals of Recovery. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  30. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 15, Normalising Biology. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  31. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 7, Postvention. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  32. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Foreword. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  33. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Conclusion, Healing is Regulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

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Why You Need a Divorce Team, Not Just a Lawyer
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Why You Need a Divorce Team, Not Just a Lawyer

Published on
chloe-o-contributor
Chloe O.
Alternative Dispute Resolution professional and Certified Divorce Coach
The Divorce and Separation Coach

When people think about divorce, the first professional who comes to mind is usually a lawyer. That is natural, since divorce has an important legal dimension. But relying on one person to guide you through every aspect of divorce is a common mistake. 

I made this mistake myself. During my divorce, my “team” consisted of my lawyer and my parents. I did not know that other professionals could support me. As a result, I agreed to financial arrangements without understanding their long-term consequences. Over time, they proved unsustainable and led to repeated renegotiations, which caused unnecessary conflict.

Divorce affects your finances, your emotional wellbeing, your children, and your long-term future. My experience taught me (the hard way!) that no single professional can provide expert support in all these areas. That is why building a divorce team is one of the most important steps you can take.

Avoiding the “one-person trap”

Money is often the greatest concern when people are separating. Many hesitate to hire more than one professional, worried about costs. Yet the unintended consequence is that they lean on their lawyer for everything: financial advice, emotional support, and sometimes even parenting guidance. This is not only expensive, but also ineffective.

Think of it like surgery on your back. You would need a surgeon, of course, but also a nurse, an anaesthetist, and afterwards a physiotherapist to get you back on your feet. Divorce is no different. You need different professionals working together to ensure every aspect is handled properly: a lawyer for legal advice, a financial adviser for money matters, a divorce coach to help you make the right decisions every step of the way, and emotional support to keep you grounded.

The professionals to consider

A divorce team does not look the same for everyone. The right mix of professionals will depend on your situation. Here are some of the key roles:

  • Lawyer – Advises on your legal rights, prepares divorce documentation, and, if necessary, represents you in court. Some lawyers specialise in areas such as high net worth cases, domestic abuse, or international divorce. Even in countries where a lawyer is not legally required, it is still wise to consult one to ensure your agreement is solid.
  • Family mediator – Works with both partners to negotiate terms, from property division to parenting arrangements. A mediator is impartial and helps keep discussions constructive.
  • Divorce coach – Helps you focus on your future goals, make clear decisions, and approach negotiations with confidence. A coach also provides practical guidance and emotional steadiness.
  • Therapist – Supports you in understanding what went wrong in the relationship, addressing trauma, and maintaining mental health.
  • Financial adviser – Reviews your assets, debts, and income, models long-term implications of settlement proposals, and helps you plan for financial stability after divorce.

While one person may cover two roles, expecting them to manage everything leaves serious gaps.

Choosing the right lawyer

Selecting the right lawyer is one of the most important decisions you will make. Too often people choose based only on price or convenience. One client of mine instructed a lawyer because he was “cheap”. Fifteen months later, she had spent tens of thousands of pounds with no progress and little trust in his advice. She eventually changed lawyers and finally moved forward.

When choosing a lawyer, consider:

  • Do they have experience with your type of case?
  • How do they communicate and how quickly will they respond?
  • Will your case be handled by them personally or mostly by a junior associate?
  • What is their approach to resolving disputes out of court?
  • Can they give you realistic visibility of likely legal costs?

If your divorce involves more than one country, you will also need someone with expertise in international divorce. Look for a lawyer who understands both jurisdictions, speaks your language, and has a network of international advisers, such as tax specialists and immigration lawyers.

How to build your divorce team

A simple exercise can help you identify where you need support. Picture a five-pointed star, with each point representing one area of support: legal, financial, emotional, practical, and personal. Write down the person or professional covering each area. One person can cover two—but no more. If you see gaps, you will know where to add expertise.

This keeps your support balanced and prevents overloading one professional or family member. Your aim is to create a well-rounded team that can carry you through divorce and beyond.

Final thoughts

Divorce is one of life’s most complex transitions. Going through it with only one professional is like attempting surgery with only a surgeon and no nurse or anaesthetist—it is simply not enough. By building a divorce team, you ensure that every dimension—legal, financial, emotional, and practical—is addressed properly.

It may feel like a bigger investment at the start, but a coordinated divorce team saves time, money, and stress in the long run. More importantly, it helps you build a stronger foundation for the next chapter of your life.

Read more articles by Chloe O.

About Chloe O.

“My name is Chloe O., I am an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) professional and a Certified Divorce Coach. I specialise in working with women to help them reduce conflict during and after divorce by improving their negotiation and communication skills with their spouse. The objective is to work towards an amicable divorce outcome in order to minimise the emotional and financial cost of divorce. I work with all types of clients but I have extensive experience in supporting expatriates and international families who are dealing with the unique situation of living abroad during and after their divorce, with limited local family support, language barriers and relocation considerations.”

For more information about my work and services (including my Podcasts, newsletter, myth-buster videos…), you can visit my website and/or follow me on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.

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Help Shape the Future of Support for Separated Families
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Help Shape the Future of Support for Separated Families

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Dr Soila Sindiyo
Counselling Psychologist and Founding Editor of The Divorce Magazine

We’ve been contacted by Dr Sarah Foley, Lecturer in Developmental Psychology at the University of Edinburgh, about an exciting new research project exploring parenting after divorce or separation.

The Parenting After Divorce or Separation Study aims to better understand family life and children’s wellbeing in different post-separation child arrangements, particularly in families who have not gone through the court system.

This research will help inform future support for separated parents and their children, filling an important gap in what we know about post-separation family experiences.

Who Can Take Part?

The research team is looking to hear from parents who:

  • Have children aged 4–8
  • Live in Scotland or England
  • Are comfortable taking part in English
  • Have been separated for at least six months
  • Have regular contact with their child
  • Do not have a court-ordered child arrangement

What’s Involved?

If you take part, you’ll be asked to:

  • Join a confidential online interview and complete a survey
  • Optionally involve your child in child-friendly storytelling or game-based activities

(These are completely optional and designed to be fun and engaging for children)

Participation is entirely voluntary and confidential.

How to Get Involved

If you meet the criteria above, or know someone who does, you can learn more and register your interest here.

For questions about the study, you can contact Dr Sarah Foley directly at:
sarah.foley@ed.ac.uk

We’ll be sharing the findings of this important research once the study is complete. By taking part, you’ll be helping to build a deeper understanding of how separated families live, parent, and thrive, and how support can be improved in the future.

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Rising Stronger After Divorce
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Rising Stronger After Divorce

Published on
Lucy Newsum
Lucy Newsum
Life Coach
Lucy Newsum Coaching

It is a human truth: divorce is hard. Within that truth is a depth of feeling that is often so visceral it is difficult to communicate. Divorce is not just hard, it is raw, exposing and messy. The loss of love, the untangling of your life from someone else, the sense of shame – it can feel like hitting rock bottom. It requires all our courage, strength and resilience to move through it and emerge stronger on the other side. 

I believe we can move through it, and I believe we can rise stronger. I believe this because I have experienced it. ‘Rising stronger’ was the philosophy I lived by as I healed from my divorce. Today, my mission is to support others to do the same. 

Why it’s so damn hard

Grief and emotional turmoil

With any relationship ending there is grief. Grief for the loss of the other person, the loss of the life you built, the future you imagined and your identity as part of that relationship and marriage. For many there is also another loss at play: the loss of ourselves within the relationship. It’s a triple whammy: loss of the other, ourselves and the life we were living. 

With grief comes an emotional rollercoaster. You might be familiar with the Kübler-Ross model which outlines the five stages of grief: denial (or numbness), anger, bargaining (can lead to rumination), depression (deep sadness) and acceptance. These stages are not linear; it is likely you will bounce back and forth between them. This emotional whack-a-mole is hard, especially as you start to feel better and have some acceptance to then plummet back into anger or sadness. At other times you might find yourself stuck in the grip of a powerful and painful emotion, unable to move through it. Much of my work is about helping us to navigate and process our emotions, without suppressing or devaluing them.  

Loss is also physical 

Research shows that the brain’s response to loss and heartbreak activates the same pain centres triggered by physical injury. The heartbreak of a divorce is not just in your head; we feel it at a deep physical level. It can feel like our heart is breaking. Combine this with the physical separation from a person we have spent time with every day and it’s easy to see we are dealing with a lot. 

Shame and guilt

And if that’s not enough, we also tend to add a good dollop of guilt or shame on top of it all. Guilt at hurting the feelings of someone we loved, or feelings of rejection and low self-worth, or questions of ‘what did I do wrong?’ or ‘why wasn’t I enough?’. 

Our culture contributes to this shame and guilt. The wider narrative around divorce and the opinions of others can leave us feeling like a failure, fuelling the flames of shame

and leaving us lacking in confidence. This all serves to amplify the pain we are experiencing. 

The weight of responsibility 

Amidst all of this we have choices to make and action to take: the legal process, financial decisions, and maybe childcare challenges too. We are dismantling one life and building a new one. This is scary and often overwhelming. But every ending is also a beginning, and we can rise stronger.  

The only way out is through

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in life so far is that you can’t shortcut your way around the hard moments. The only way out is to go through – gently and one step at a time. 

It is natural to want to avoid or numb the pain of loss. But avoiding, ignoring, suppressing or resisting our feelings are all actually ways that keep that pain alive. We keep the pain trapped in our body rather than accepting it, feeling it, having compassion for it and moving through it. 

Many years ago, I experienced a shattering heartbreak. It was a short relationship, so I judged my pain at its ending to be out of proportion. How could I be so hurt over something that hadn’t lasted long? Grieving it so deeply felt somehow weak, like something was wrong with me. So, I brushed myself off, put the grief into a locked box and got on with my life. Looking back, I can see clearly how that unprocessed and unhealed pain influenced my relationship behaviours and choices, contributed to an internal narrative of shame and limiting beliefs, and gave space to my own very loud and mean inner critic. It shaped how I showed up in my marriage and how I showed up for myself. When I went through my divorce over 10 years later, I finally found myself able to grieve and process that early relationship, which also helped me heal from my divorce, learn from it all and find the road back to myself. 

I love Miranda Hart’s description of going through the hard moments. In her recent book, she describes her journey as finding herself somewhere “…dark. Musty.Dank. A cave. With slimy, muddy walls. I walked along the cold, rock floor until another door at the far end of the cave became faintly visible. Somehow, I knew that door was the one that I would eventually, at the right time, be able to step through. And I would be refreshed”

My marriage and my divorce became my teacher. Slowly, gently, with compassion, I navigated that dark, dank cave. It was a journey of getting to know myself (my patterns, beliefs and values), finding the tools to feel more confident and navigate daily ups and downs, and building a brighter, more joyful and fulfilling life. In short, I went on a journey back to my heart. Today I feel freer, move alive, more empowered and more deeply connected to myself and others than ever before.

You can do the same

There is a light at the end of your dark cave. What if this is the start of a journey to truly discovering yourself and building a more empowered, confident and fulfilled you?

If you’re unsure where to start, here are three things you could focus on: 

  1. Seek out your support network: I recommend your network covers three pillars of support – practical support (legal and financial advice, childcare support etc), emotional support (someone to turn to when you are in the grip of emotion or turning in on yourself) and social support (someone who will get you out of the house and sprinkle some joy). 
  2. Daily wins: at the end of each day write down, or say out loud, three wins from the day. It doesn’t matter how big or small these are – a win could be making the bed that day – the power is in the daily recording of your wins. It trains your brain to start to look for the positives. 
  3. Gentle movement: our physiology has one of the biggest impacts on our emotional state. Movement positively influences our emotional state, enabling us to navigate and shift some of those more painful emotions. 

“The most difficult seasons of life are often preparing us for the most beautiful times ahead. When life falls apart, don’t rush to put it all back together. Sit in the fire and ash of all that once was. You will rise from this with deeper clarity, more wisdom, and a heart primed for peace. This is what grief does when we make room for it. Grief doesn’t break us, it heals us.” – Sheleana Aiyana

About Lucy Newsum

 Lucy Newsum is a life coach and facilitator. She provides coaching for women who want to live and love wholeheartedly. 

www.lucynewsum.com

IG @lucynewsumcoaching

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Navigating Family Changes in a Positive Way
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Navigating Family Changes in a Positive Way

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Getting a hug during times of change 

One of the most important things to learn about having healthy ways of navigating change is to fully accept that a different set of rules apply to transitions for all humans. Change is perceived by our primitive functioning brain as a threat. Predictability and routine are standard elements in the prescription bundle in modern psychological therapies for treating all forms of psychological distress.
Various words are used for this, containment being a useful one in this context. When distressed we find it difficult to contain our feelings and they can spill over. Imagine your child crying due to something beyond theirs or your control, and you scoop them up and hug them into your arms and gradually the tears subside. You help them contain the distressing feelings. In some ways predictability and routine are like that for us in the background of our lives helping us navigate challenges. Imagine now during the middle of the distress you drop your child and tell them to stop being silly?
Change to our personal circumstances can feel very much like being dropped when we are distressed. So, what can we do to create a new pair of arms to help hug us when we have been dropped? Again, think about your child, somehow, they are ok simply with the hug, it’s not the circumstances that you change, but the feeling in your kid of the capacity to survive and manage. Similarly, it’s not possible to stop the change, it’s happening, but it is possible to manage the emotional distress allowing yourself and others to function better.

What are these new arms holding us?

Normalisation or forgiveness of self and others – it’s normal to be distressed during times of personal change and understanding that allows us to accept that our own behaviour and that of others is based on the distress about the situation and not a moral, personal or psychological failing. It may be that one of the reasons the change is happening is because of another’s unacceptable behaviour in the relationship for example, and it is likely to get worse during the transition. Knowing this and not being unrealistic about how well you or others will cope is crucial in lowering the distress. In the same way that you know your child will be ok in your arms, you too will be ok if held and comforted and being able to link the behaviours to the situation tells us that it will pass.

Transitional phenomena – teddy bears and comfort blankets

When our kids are growing especially during the time they begin to psychologically individuate from the primary carer they develop attachments to special toys or pieces of cloth. These special objects represent emotionally the special relationship to the primary carer and have the advantage of being portable when the carer isn’t. They can to some extent stand in for the actual comforting presence of the carer. These transitional phenomena allow our children to manage this change in reality as the carer is no longer magically available to them. So, allow yourself that or allow that in others. Try to avoid using alcohol, anger or drugs to facilitate the transition and instead stick to warm humans or the equivalent stand by. If you haven’t got an emergency teddy bear in your life, time to get one!

Empowering the embrace of change

There is a large body of evidence to show that people who feel empowered in life manage better, even when they have exactly the same circumstances as others, the outcomes are better. Whilst it is important to risk assess in intimate relationships if we can feel like we have some power over change, and circumstances we manage much better. The key task is something along the lines of accept what you can’t change and change what you can. You can’t for example, change the fact of a divorce, or the fact that the person you are divorcing is behaving in an exaggerated form of the person you wish to divorce but you can say, what is in my power to change here? Maybe you can change your health and wellbeing activities and increase your exercise? Maybe you can reduce your unhealthy coping through drink? Maybe you can engage in random acts of kindness to strangers without possibility of reward rather than spreading your gloom? Finding all these things that you can influence and do will be comforting and help you manage better

Create ritual and structure

Ritual during change is a key strategy that humans have developed through time to help manage the distress of change and unpredictability. Rituals allow us to ascribe bigger meaning to suffering and develop and maintain purpose. This has the impact of reducing both anxiety and crucially depression through loss of meaning. We are meaning making machines and we invest meaning into our relationships with others and if they change, we can lose that invested meaning… but by transferring that to something bigger we can reduce the depression relapse in our functioning. It’s unlikely that your situation has never been experienced by any other human ever before, in fact, millions will have experienced it. Doing even a cursory search you will be able to find how others through common cultural expression have developed meaning in change. You can adapt these to meet your needs.

Compassion and kindness to self

Listen to John Lennon, “whatever gets you through the night is alright” – projecting compassion reduces stress in yourself and improves everything around you—but that compassion has to start with yourself.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Getting Legal Advice and Support
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Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Getting Legal Advice and Support

Published on
Laura Mounsey
Laura Mounsey
Director and Solicitor
Harrogate Family Law

2.3 million people over the age of 16 are estimated to have experienced domestic abuse (year ending March 2024).

That’s just one shocking statistic from the Crime Survey for England and Wales. If you or someone you know is the victim of domestic abuse, you’re not alone. Take a look at our guide to your legal protections and how to seek help.

Understanding domestic abuse

Domestic abuse is a crime, and thanks to the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, victims have stronger protections enshrined in law than ever before.

The term isn’t limited to physical violence, and can also include emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse, as well as coercive control.

It is not uncommon to feel that you are to blame or that you cannot get out of it. This is not the case with the right help.

What if I or someone I know needs immediate protection?

If you’re in immediate danger, you must always call 999. The Silent Solution is a system that ensures you get the help you need in situations where you’re unable to talk, are calling from a landline or are deaf or hard of hearing.

The police can issue Domestic Violence Protection Notices (DVPNs) and apply for a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO). These measures provide short-term protection by removing them from your home and prohibiting them from contacting you.

They can also give you the space and thinking time you need to seek legal advice about the future.

Reporting domestic abuse and getting legal support

All domestic abuse, even if there’s no immediate threat or danger, can be reported to the police. Then, it’s best to seek legal advice from a knowledgeable and reputable family law firm, such as Harrogate Family Law.

This will help you to fully understand your options and get any advice you might need about divorce and separation proceedings and the arrangements for the children.

Legal orders to protect you: what are the options?

Several legal orders can provide longer-term protection:

Non-Molestation Order: Prevents your partner from using or threatening violence, harassing, intimidating, or contacting you.

Occupation Order: Determines who can live in the family home, potentially excluding the abuser even if they own or rent the property.

Restraining Order: Issued by a court following criminal proceedings to prevent an abuser from contacting or approaching you.

Child arrangements Order: Deals with who the children should live with and how they should spend time with each of you (if at all).

Prohibited steps Order: Stops someone from doing certain things to protect the children. For example, taking them out of the country or removing them from you or school.

Financial remedy Order: if you are married, this will sort out what money you need to be able to move on with your life and break as free as you can from that relationship.

Your solicitor will be able to advise which option is the most appropriate for your situation.

Can I get support with my legal fees?

In some circumstances, yes, although you’ll have to meet strict criteria. Use the GOV.UK website to find legal aid solicitors in your area who can assess your eligibility. Even if you are not eligible for legal aid, there may be other options to give you a “fighting fund”. This is important because often, you can fear being overpowered and on the back foot.

Financial and Housing Support

If you’re leaving an abusive relationship, you’ve probably got lots of questions about what will happen financially.

It’s a good idea to find out what, if any, benefits you might be entitled to such as Universal Credit, or any assistance from charities like Women’s Aid and Refuge. The Citizens Advice Bureau is a good starting point for putting yourself in the know. However, it may also be the case that your ex should pay you an amount of money per month too.

If you need emergency housing for immediate safety, you may need to secure a place in a refuge. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, the Men’s Advice Line and IDAS can help to point you in the right direction, as can the police if they’re involved. There are also local authority housing options but it may also be possible to get a house through court.

What other support might I need?

It is common for you to feel like you will not be able to weather the storm of leaving an abusive person. It can be vital to get the right professional support including a therapist, re-connecting with your friends and family that you may have been isolated from as well as getting any help you need from your GP, work and your children’s school/nursery.

How a family law solicitor can help

Experiencing domestic abuse is a trauma, and you’ll need the right people in your corner. A family law solicitor can provide a range of support and legal guidance, including:

  • Applying for protective orders.
  • Child arrangements and safeguarding.
  • Divorce and financial settlements.

About Laura Mounsey

Laura’s expertise as a family solicitor is in making sure that clients know their worth and do not have the wool pulled over their eyes if someone tries to hide assets or be unfair. She works on divorce cases involving properties, trusts, businesses and pensions and supports people who have been in abusive relationships to regain control and move forward. She can help you secure what you are entitled to if you separate or divorce as well as protect your assets and income if you are wanting to live with someone or get married. Laura also has experience in resolving disputes about children. Laura has been ranked in Chambers UK in 2025 and was recognised in the Legal 500 2025 edition as being “an outstanding solicitor. She is committed, dedicated and goes the distance for each of her clients.” Laura says “I love being able to solve people’s problems. People want to be treated fairly, to have certainty and to move forwards. For me, that’s what family law is all about. It is an honour to get people through the difficulties so that they have peace of mind about the future.”

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Therapy and Mindfulness Practices for Self-Discovery After Divorce
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Therapy and Mindfulness Practices for Self-Discovery After Divorce

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

The end of a relationship, particularly a marriage, can be one of the most disorienting and painful transitions in life. Divorce shakes the very foundations of identity, security, and future expectations. However, within this upheaval lies an opportunity: a chance to reconnect with oneself, to redefine personal values, and to cultivate resilience. Therapy and mindfulness practices offer invaluable tools for self-discovery and emotional healing, guiding individuals toward a renewed sense of purpose and wellbeing.

The Power of Mindful Reflection

One of the most profound tools in healing after a divorce is the practice of mindful reflection. Divorce often leaves individuals caught in the past or anxiously anticipating the future—rehashing old arguments, replaying regrets, or fearing what lies ahead. Mindful reflection counterbalances this by anchoring attention in the present moment. Simple exercises, such as noticing the texture of a blanket, the scent of morning coffee, or the rhythm of the breath, create moments of stillness in an otherwise turbulent emotional landscape.

“Mindful reflection is a way of giving yourself the permission to pause,” says Lee. “By focussing on small, tangible details, you remind yourself that life is still unfolding, moment by moment. This practice helps in reducing anxiety and preventing emotional overwhelm. It provides a sense of agency, allowing healing to take root.”

Physiologically, mindful reflection supports the nervous system by promoting relaxation and reducing the activation of the stress response. Studies have shown that mindfulness-based interventions lower cortisol levels and enhance emotional regulation (Tang, Hölzel, & Posner, 2015). By bringing attention to the present, individuals decrease stress markers, which in turn lowers heart rate and blood pressure, fostering a state of calm and centeredness. Mentally, it strengthens self-awareness and acceptance, helping individuals to detach from negative thought spirals and self-criticism.

Journaling as a Pathway to Clarity

Journaling provides an outlet for untangling the complexity of emotions that arise during and after divorce. Divorce often triggers a cascade of thoughts and emotions, ranging from anger and grief to relief and hope. Without a structured way to process these emotions, they can become a tangled web of confusion.

“Writing down your thoughts can help you understand what is within your control and what is not,” explains Lee. “Journaling is a simple yet powerful way to gain insight into your needs and values, fostering a deeper understanding of yourself beyond the identity shaped by your former relationship.”

On a neurological level, journaling activates the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking and emotional regulation. Studies have indicated that expressive writing enhances cognitive processing, reduces symptoms of depression, and improves overall emotional wellbeing (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016). It provides an opportunity to reprocess painful memories in a safe way, strengthening cognitive flexibility and reducing emotional distress. Moreover, expressive writing has been shown to improve immune function and decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Negative Visualisation: A Counterintuitive Path to Gratitude

While it may seem counterproductive to reflect on loss after a divorce, the practice of negative visualisation offers a unique form of healing. This exercise involves imagining life without the things we cherish, not to dwell in sorrow but to cultivate a greater appreciation for what remains.

“Thinking about what life would be like without close friendships, family, or even personal health shifts our focus from loss to gratitude,” says Lee. “Divorce may mean the end of a relationship, but it does not mean the end of everything. This shift in mindset fosters resilience and strengthens our sense of inner stability.”

This practice activates the brain’s reward system, encouraging the release of dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation (Berridge & Kringelbach, 2015). In doing so, it helps individuals shift their perspective from one of deprivation to one of abundance, reducing feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Mindfulness Meditation: Training the Mind for Equanimity

Mindfulness meditation has been extensively studied for its impact on emotional regulation. Regular mindfulness practice reduces reactivity to emotional distress while fostering greater control over thought patterns.

“Meditation is not about emptying the mind—it’s about learning to sit with your thoughts without becoming overwhelmed by them,” says Lee. “By cultivating this non-reactive awareness, you learn to navigate emotional pain with greater ease, allowing it to pass rather than consume you.”

Neuroscientifically, mindfulness meditation strengthens connections between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, which helps regulate emotional reactivity. Research has shown that consistent meditation practice leads to structural changes in the brain that support emotional resilience and stress management (Hölzel et al., 2011). Over time, this practice reduces stress-related inflammation in the body and increases gray matter density in areas responsible for learning, memory, and emotional balance.

Acts of Kindness: Rebuilding Connection and Meaning

Divorce can create a profound sense of isolation. A once-shared life is now singular, and the absence of a partner can leave a void in daily experiences. One antidote to this loneliness is the practice of small, deliberate acts of kindness. Engaging in kind gestures—whether volunteering, offering a sincere compliment, or reaching out to a friend—reminds individuals of their capacity for love and connection beyond romantic relationships.

“Even small acts of kindness can have a big impact on emotional recovery,” says Lee. “They reinforce our connection to the world around us and remind us that we are not alone in our journey. Giving kindness to others often helps us heal, too.”

Research shows that acts of kindness trigger the release of oxytocin, the hormone associated with bonding and trust, while also increasing serotonin and dopamine levels (Kogan et al., 2010). These biochemical changes create a sense of happiness, reduce stress, and counteract feelings of loneliness.

Embracing the Journey of Self-Discovery

“The journey after divorce is about learning who you are outside of that relationship,” says Lee. “Each mindful step you take brings clarity, strength, and the opportunity for renewal.”

Divorce is not merely an end; it is a transition, a doorway to a new phase of life. The emotional turmoil that follows can feel overwhelming, but with each intentional step—whether through reflection, journaling, meditation, or acts of kindness—individuals begin to forge a new understanding of themselves. Self-discovery is not an overnight event; it is a gradual process of re-learning, re-defining, and re-building.

One of the most important aspects of this journey is self-compassion. Often, individuals exiting a relationship hold onto feelings of guilt, failure, or self-doubt. However, embracing mindfulness and therapeutic practices allows for a more balanced perspective. “Healing comes when we learn to be gentle with ourselves,” says Lee. “Instead of judging our past choices harshly, we must acknowledge that growth emerges from struggle.”

Physiologically, engaging in mindfulness and reflective exercises activates neural pathways associated with emotional regulation and resilience. Practices such as meditation and cognitive reframing help rewire the brain to respond to distress with greater equanimity, reducing stress hormones and fostering a sense of emotional stability. Moreover, acts of kindness, whether directed toward oneself or others, generate a biochemical response that increases dopamine and serotonin levels, promoting feelings of well-being and connection.

Another crucial element of self-discovery is embracing solitude. Many fear being alone after the end of a marriage, but solitude can be a powerful teacher. “Being alone does not mean being lonely,” Lee explains. “It is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself, to rediscover interests, passions, and aspects of your identity that may have been overshadowed in the relationship.”

By shifting focus from loss to possibility, individuals can transform the pain of divorce into an opportunity for growth. Each step taken—whether through journaling, mindful meditation, or reframing thoughts—builds a new foundation upon which to create a fulfilling, independent life.

Ultimately, self-discovery after divorce is about recognising that while a chapter has closed, the story is far from over. “This is a chance to redefine your narrative on your terms,” says Lee. “You have the power to shape your own future, and with time, clarity, and self-compassion, a new and fulfilling life will emerge.”

References

  • Berridge, K. C., & Kringelbach, M. L. (2015). Pleasure systems in the brain. Neuron, 86(3), 646-664.

  • Hölzel, B. K., Lazar, S. W., Gard, T., Schuman-Olivier, Z., Vago, D. R., & Ott, U. (2011). How does mindfulness meditation work? Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(6), 537-559.

  • Kogan, A., Gruber, J., Shallcross, A. J., Ford, B. Q., & Mauss, I. B. (2010). Too much of a good thing? Emotion, 10(6), 925-929.

  • Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain. Guilford Press.

  • Tang, Y. Y., Hölzel, B. K., & Posner, M. I. (2015). The neuroscience of mindfulness meditation. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 16(4), 213-225.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focused and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focused treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

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The Sensitive Woman's Guide to Building a Growth Mindset in Divorce: Transforming Your Deep Feelings into Personal Evolution
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The Sensitive Woman’s Guide to Building a Growth Mindset in Divorce: Transforming Your Deep Feelings into Personal Evolution

Published on
Sue Bruckner
Sue Bruckner
Holistic Relationship Coach & Founder of Tribe Rising
CEO of With Intention Coaching

As a sensitive soul navigating divorce, you feel everything deeply. The weight of change, the intensity of emotions, the uncertainty of what lies ahead – it all resonates at a profound level. While this depth of feeling can sometimes feel overwhelming, it’s actually one of your most profound strengths. Your sensitivity gives you an extraordinary capacity for growth, transformation, and rebirth.

When you’re feeling everything so intensely, it’s natural to want to protect yourself. You might catch yourself thinking: “I’ll never recover from this,” or “I’m not strong enough to handle this change.” These thoughts stem from what psychologists call a fixed mindset – the belief that our capabilities and emotional resilience are set in stone. But there’s another way to view your journey.

A growth mindset recognises that every challenge, even the heart-wrenching ones, carries seeds of transformation. It’s not about dismissing your pain or rushing through your healing. Instead, it’s about trusting that your sensitivity allows you to process this experience in a way that leads to profound personal evolution.

Embracing Your Emotional Wisdom

Your ability to feel deeply isn’t a weakness – it’s your internal compass. As a sensitive woman, you may have spent years muting your emotions, setting aside your needs, or abandoning your truth to keep the peace. Perhaps you’ve learned to question your feelings, to dismiss them as “too much,” or to hide them away entirely. This pattern of self-abandonment, while protective in the moment, often leaves a void where your authentic voice should be.

Divorce, though challenging, offers a profound invitation to reclaim your emotional experience as wholly and authentically yours. When waves of grief or anxiety wash over you, try sitting with them gently, knowing you’re building a new relationship with your sensitivity. Ask yourself: “What is this emotion teaching me about what I need?” “What parts of myself am I rediscovering through this process?” As you grow your capacity to hold these feelings without judgment, each emotion becomes a doorway to deeper self-understanding and more aligned decision-making. This is how you begin to trust yourself again – by honouring your emotional wisdom rather than pushing it away.

Learning to Celebrate Yourself

Your sensitive nature makes you naturally introspective, yet you may have spent years without truly seeing or celebrating yourself. Perhaps your accomplishments, strength, and resilience have gone unacknowledged – by others and, more importantly, by yourself. Now is the time to change that pattern.

Begin a celebration journal. This isn’t about gratitude for others or external circumstances – this is purely about acknowledging YOU. Each day, ask yourself:

  • “Today, I celebrate myself for…”
  • “I’m proud of how I…”
  • “I want to acknowledge myself for…”
  • “I’m showing up powerfully by…”

At first, this might feel uncomfortable or even impossible. You might hear that inner voice saying “Who am I to celebrate myself?” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” But remember – every step forward, every moment you choose yourself, every time you honor your needs or speak your truth – these are victories worth celebrating.

Your answers will likely surprise you, gradually revealing a woman who is far stronger, more capable, and more resilient than you’ve allowed yourself to recognise. This practice isn’t about ego – it’s about finally seeing yourself clearly and celebrating the woman who is emerging through this transformation.

Creating Your Future Story Through Inner Wisdom

As a sensitive person, you likely have a rich inner world. This gift of deep imagination offers you a unique pathway forward – through dialogue with your future self. She is there, waiting to connect with you, full of wisdom and profound compassion for your current journey. She understands every tear, every moment of doubt, every brave step forward you’re taking now.

Take a quiet moment to sit with her. What would she tell you about the path you’re on? She knows that every choice you make today is paving the way to a future she loves living. She’s proud of your courage, your willingness to honor your truth, even when it feels terrifying. Ask her about the dreams that are quietly waiting to emerge, the parts of yourself that are ready to blossom. Let her remind you that your divorce isn’t just an ending – it’s an invitation to rediscover and reinvent yourself in ways that align deeply with your soul’s longing.

Your future self knows something precious: this transformation, though challenging, is a sacred journey toward becoming more fully yourself. She’s there, cheering you on, holding space for your emergence. When you need strength, connect with her wisdom. When you need reassurance, feel her compassion. She is the living proof that you not only survive this chapter – you use it to create a life that fills you with pride and joy.

Practicing Tender Self-Compassion

Your sensitivity extends to how you treat yourself, particularly in moments of intense emotion. As a sensitive woman, you might find yourself getting frustrated or upset with the depth of your feelings – perhaps criticising yourself for “still feeling this way” or “being too emotional.” This double layer of pain – feeling deeply and then judging yourself for those feelings – is a pattern we can gently transform.

Instead of harsh self-judgment, try speaking to yourself as you would a dear friend going through divorce. When you catch your inner critic chastising you for the intensity of your emotions, pause and ask yourself: “How best can I love myself in this moment?” or “What would love say instead?” These simple yet profound questions can transform your relationship with both your sensitivity and yourself during this transition. Remember, there’s no “right” way to feel during divorce – your emotional experience, in all its depth, is valid.

Daily Growth Practices for the Sensitive Soul:

  • Pay attention to your first thoughts upon waking and your final thoughts before sleep – make these moments intentional whispers of self-kindness and encouragement.
  • Notice and celebrate small signs of your resilience.
  • Honour your need for quiet reflection time.
  • Surround yourself with people who understand your sensitive nature.
  • Trust the wisdom of your emotions while not letting them overwhelm you.

Remember, your sensitivity isn’t a barrier to healing – it’s your pathway to profound transformation. Each day of this journey, you’re not just surviving divorce; you’re evolving into a more authentic version of yourself. Trust in your inner wisdom, honor your pace, and know that this challenge is unveiling strengths you never knew you had.

Your sensitivity is your gift. Let it guide you toward growth, healing, and a new chapter filled with possibilities you’re just beginning to imagine.

About Sue Bruckner

Sue Bruckner is a Holistic Relationship Coach who guides sensitive women through growth-minded divorce and into their next empowered chapter. She is the founder of Tribe Rising, an expert-led sanctuary that uniquely weaves together divorce support, personal development, and the healing power of community. Through this transformative space, women discover they don’t just survive divorce – they thrive. Learn more at: https://wonderful-dawn-34642.myflodesk.com/w751ywo2nj.

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How to Get Through Divorce in 2025: Proven Step-by-Step Process
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How to Get Through Divorce in 2025: Proven Step-by-Step Process

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Sponsored post by Fair Result.

Divorce can feel overwhelming, but at Fair Result, we’ve created a proven, step-by-step process to help you navigate it with clarity and confidence. In 2025, with shifting legal landscapes and evolving financial complexities, our transparent, fixed-fee approach ensures that you can focus on your future without worrying about spiralling costs or hidden surprises.

1. Acknowledging the Emotional Impact

Divorce is one of life’s most emotional and challenging experiences. It’s essential to recognise and process these feelings, rather than suppress them. Many people find that seeking emotional support can make a world of difference during this time.

Tips for self-care during divorce:

  • Consider joining a support group to connect with others who understand your situation.
  • Seek counselling or therapy to work through your emotions in a healthy way.
  • Prioritise self-care through activities like exercise, mindfulness, or spending time with loved ones.

At Fair Result, we not only focus on the legal and financial aspects of your divorce but also recognise the importance of addressing your emotional wellbeing.

2. Understanding the Financial and Legal Landscape in 2025

The divorce process in England has evolved over the years. With changes such as the introduction of the no-fault divorce law under The Divorce, Dissolution, and Separation Act, the legal framework is now more streamlined. However, financial clarity remains crucial.

Key divorce trends in 2025:

  • Longer average timeframes: On average, the time to a conditional order in sole divorce cases is now around 36 weeks, with the full process from application to final order taking approximately 49 weeks. Joint divorce cases tend to be slightly quicker, with an average of 30 weeks to a conditional order and 43 weeks from application to final order.
  • Increase in divorces among older adults: The rise of “silver splitters” reflects changing attitudes toward relationships in later life.
  • Shifts in divorce applications: While January remains a peak month for divorce enquiries, overall divorce rates fluctuate based on factors such as economic pressures and societal trends.

At Fair Result, we emphasise the importance of financial preparedness. From property division to pensions, we help you navigate the complexities with transparency and clarity.

3. Fair Result’s Proven Step-by-Step Process

At Fair Result, we pride ourselves on offering a transparent, fixed-fee process designed to minimise stress and maximise efficiency. Here’s how our approach works:

a. Initial Consultation

We begin with a free consultation to understand your unique circumstances. During this meeting, we’ll identify your priorities and goals, laying the foundation for a tailored strategy that meets your needs.

b. Financial Assessment

Our team of legal and accountancy experts conducts a comprehensive review of your financial situation. With a commitment to transparency and fairness, our fixed-fee model ensures there are no unexpected surprises.

c. Tailored Strategy Development

Based on your goals, we develop a personalised plan that considers legal, financial, and emotional factors. This strategy ensures that you achieve a fair settlement while minimising unnecessary conflict.

d. Settlement Negotiations

We focus on  avoiding the need for lengthy court proceedings. Our team works tirelessly to negotiate a fair and efficient settlement.

e. Finalising Your Divorce

From managing paperwork to obtaining consent orders, we handle every legal requirement to finalise your divorce. Our goal is to ensure you’re fully equipped to move forward with confidence.

4. Client Success Stories

We’ve helped countless clients achieve fair outcomes and build brighter futures. Here’s just one example:

“After years of financial uncertainty during my separation, Fair Result gave me the clarity and support I needed. Their fixed-fee model meant no surprises, and their team made the process so much easier than I expected. Today, I’m not only financially secure but also confident about the future.”

These stories reflect our commitment to putting clients first, every step of the way.

5. Looking Ahead: Building Your Future Post-Divorce

Divorce is not the end—it’s the beginning of a new chapter. Planning for your future is key to moving forward with confidence.

Post-divorce planning tips:

  • Reassess your finances: Create a realistic budget that reflects your new circumstances.
  • Set personal goals: Whether it’s advancing your career, pursuing a passion, or focussing on your children, take steps toward achieving what matters most to you.
  • Seek support: Don’t hesitate to lean on professionals, friends, or family for guidance as you navigate your new life post-divorce.

At Fair Result, we’re here to ensure you leave the divorce process feeling prepared and empowered to embrace the next stage of your journey.

6. Trends and Insights for 2025

The festive season often prompts reflection, and many couples decide to take the next step in January, leading to a surge in divorce enquiries. Known as “Divorce Day,” the first working Monday of the year—6th January 2025—is anticipated to see a spike in divorce applications.

While divorce rates have fluctuated, certain trends stand out:

  • Coastal towns like Norwich and Hastings have the highest proportion of divorced individuals.
  • Most divorces occur between 3 and 8 years of marriage, with “silver splitters” on the rise.

These insights underscore the importance of working with experts who understand the unique challenges of today’s world. Find out more about divorce trends here.

Conclusion

Divorce doesn’t have to feel like an uphill battle. With Fair Result’s proven step-by-step process, you can navigate this challenging time with clarity, confidence, and support. Our fixed-fee, transparent approach allows you to focus on what truly matters: building a brighter future.

If you’re considering divorce in 2025, let us help you take the first step. Contact Fair Result for a free consultation today.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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You Don’t Need Permission
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You Don’t Need Permission

Published on
Taylor Beck
Taylor Beck
ADR Divorce Coach
Revive and Rise Coaching

You don’t need permission to leave your marriage. Or if you’re looking for that, then read on. Whether your background and upbringing was drenched in a religious coat or that could not be further from your ideology; maybe there’s something deeply woven in the fabric of your DNA that walking away feels impossibly wrong, a disservice to your “I do’s” causes you to think you could never turn that to an “I don’t”, I’d urge you to be curious about what that leaves on the table.

As many individuals do, I got married on the younger side at only 25 years old. While that may not be as young as some, sitting here writing this in my thirties I can confirm that is quite young. There is only so much life you can live up until that point, and not many even understand themselves and what they want out of life. It felt simple, I had been in a relationship for five years and knew I wanted to be married and have children. The truth is; the weight of being a wife and a mother is so much heavier than you can prepare for, especially if you aren’t asking yourself the hard questions of what you want out of a partner for those endeavours.

Without getting into the nuances of my own specific circumstances, I quickly became unhappy at how things unfolded. A spouse that could not quite carry the responsibilities of home ownership, parenthood and finances that follow. At the end of the day there were qualities I needed within a relationship like patience, sharing household chores, the ability to communicate and make changes as needed. Many things that could not be given to me by the person I was with.

The unfortunate aspect was that I stayed. A narrative society paints is that relationships are “hard”, that so many people in long term relationships have major frustrations and that’s just how things are. I continually looked outward for someone to give me permission to leave, but never received that. I stayed until the situation got to the point that made me feel less “silly” for filing for divorce. I stayed until I couldn’t make an excuse because it directly compromised the safety of my son. I stayed longer than I ever should have.

Being unhappy isn’t a silly reason to leave. Understanding that the person you are with cannot give you what you need is critical, not selfish. Choosing yourself takes so much strength, it is not weak to walk away. When I look back at the version of myself that stayed in a space that held so much negativity, it’s easy to see how much I compromised on. The permission you need is directly correlated with your emotional and mental well being. Let me take it another step further and say that the permission you need is also directly attached to the small human(s) you are raising and model their standards after your choices.

Strangers on the internet or even those closest with you cannot be held liable to push you forward or hold you back. They’re not in your home, they’re not holding your heart, and they are not you. You are the only person that gets to decide what you want, need, and won’t settle for in a relationship. If you’re not receiving that, then you’re also the only person to make the choice to know when to throw in the towel. There is no one size fits all on a time frame either – whether you’ve been married for two hours or twenty years – the biggest price you pay is not staying true to yourself. The best thing you can ever do for yourself and your kid(s) is choosing the best version of yourself, and doing what you need to do in order to achieve that.

About Taylor Beck

Taylor Beck is a certified ADR Divorce Coach that focusses on working with women considering or going through divorce or separation. Her goal is to empower them and support them through their current and following chapters in their lives.

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How to Build Your Divorce Support System: The Four Pillars You Need
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How to Build Your Divorce Support System: The Four Pillars You Need

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

Divorce is one of the most challenging transitions a person can face, often upending every aspect of life. As someone who has spent years studying and working in the field of thanatology—the science of death, dying, and grief—I’ve seen firsthand how vital a solid support system is during times of profound change.

Divorce is the death of a relationship that is often complex and messy, requiring tools and strategies to help navigate the emotional, logistical, and practical challenges it brings.

One of the most effective tools I’ve used with clients over the years—and one we’ve included in our Just Separated Workbook—is called the “Four Pillars of Support.” These pillars, originally rooted in the grief world, are critical for anyone going through a major life transition, including divorce. Let’s break down these pillars and explore how they can help you through the process.

1. Peers

The first pillar involves finding the right peer support—people who are also navigating or have already navigated the divorce journey. The right peers offer empowerment and helpful insights rather than constantly feeding anger or resentment. It’s important to surround yourself with peers who encourage growth and healing. Support groups, online communities, or even a trusted friend who’s been through it can make a big difference.

Having peers who understand your unique challenges can also help you avoid feelings of isolation. While some peers helped me see things clearly, and we supported each other, others only fuelled anger and negativity. Choosing the right group and peers is crucial.

2. Professionals

Divorce is not just an emotional process; it’s also a legal, financial, and logistical one. Having the right professionals on your side is crucial. These might include:

  • A lawyer or mediator who understands your needs.
  • A divorce coach to help you strategise and stay focused.
  • A therapist to guide you through the emotional turmoil.
  • A financial advisor to help you navigate money matters.

When I found myself in a high-conflict situation, I had no idea how to strategise effectively. In my desperation, I hired the first lawyer I was referred to, but they turned out to be a poor match for my needs. Looking back, I realise how naive I was to assume my ex would be cooperative which he never was in the first place.

If I’d had the guidance of the right legal, divorce coach and/or the right peer support, I would have been far better equipped to handle the realities of dealing with a high-conflict personality. I could have found the clarity and direction I needed during such an overwhelming and confusing time.

3. Friends and Family

Support from friends and family can be invaluable during a divorce, but it’s important to recognise that not all relationships will serve you well during this time. While some friends might offer unwavering support, others—sometimes even family members—can unintentionally add to your stress or enable unhealthy dynamics.

Interestingly, the phrase “Blood is thicker than water” is often misinterpreted. The original quote suggests that the bonds we forge in life, such as friendships, can be stronger than family ties. This is especially true during emotionally challenging periods like divorce, where the people who truly listen and provide genuine support make all the difference.

Divorce often brings an overwhelming workload, especially for those juggling co-parenting responsibilities. That’s why building a strong support network is essential.

Our W.L.D. Exercise helps readers identify and lean on three types of people:

  • Workers: The doers in your life who step in to help with practical tasks.
    Example: A neighbour who picks up your kids from school or a friend who helps you sort paperwork.
  • Listeners: Empathetic friends or family members who provide a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings.
    Example: A sibling who lets you vent without judgment or a friend who checks in regularly to see how you’re holding up.
  • Distractors: People who help lighten your emotional load by encouraging you to have fun or take a break.
    Example: A friend who invites you to see a comedy show or explore a new restaurant.

By intentionally cultivating a network of supportive, uplifting individuals, you can create the foundation you need to navigate this challenging time with more strength and clarity.

4. Yourself

The final pillar is perhaps the most important: you. Divorce is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself, even amidst the pain. It’s essential to work through your emotions, set boundaries, and prioritise self-care. Journaling, meditation, exercise, and therapy are just a few ways to support yourself during this time.

Remember, you are the constant in your own life. Building resilience and focusing on personal growth will not only help you navigate the divorce but also set the stage for a stronger, healthier future.

Why the Four Pillars Are Critical for High-Conflict Divorces

I wish I had used and known about the Four Pillars of Support during my high-conflict divorce years ago. These cases often involve intense emotions, adversarial tactics, projection, and manipulation, which can leave you feeling isolated, exhausted, and emotionally drained.

Even in high-conflict situations, it’s easy to overlook the emotional weight of the process. Stress, anxiety, and frustration can feel overwhelming. The Four Pillars—Peers, Professionals, Friends and Family, and Yourself—are essential for maintaining focus and protecting your well-being.

From peers who provide solidarity and insight to professionals who anticipate and counter challenges, to supportive loved ones and prioritise self-care, these pillars equip you with the strength and strategy to navigate the heightened complexities of a high-conflict divorce. Understanding and leaning into this framework can make all the difference in regaining clarity and empowerment.

Putting It All Together

The Four Pillars of Support—Peers, Professionals, Friends and Family, and Yourself—are a framework to help you stay grounded during divorce. These pillars provide a balance of external and internal support, ensuring you’re not navigating this journey alone.

Building and leaning on your support system isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a strategy for success. Divorce is tough, but with the right tools and people by your side, you can come through it stronger than ever.

If you’re looking for practical exercises and strategies to build your support system, check out the Just Separated Workbook. It’s designed to guide you through every step of the divorce process, helping you find clarity, empowerment, and hope for the future. The workbook is on sale for the whole month of Divorce month, available in the UK and worldwide on Amazon – buy here.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

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