Narcissism

Abuse in a marriage or civil partnership can take many different forms, such as physical, sexual, financial and emotional. There are many types of emotional abuse, which are also often referred to as psychological abuse, and this is where the form of abuse is much more complex and can be due to one party having challenging personality traits such as narcissism.

Narcissism is often dismissed as a person being selfish, self-centred or self-absorbed, but this form of abuse is much deeper than that, and how a person uses this to manipulate situations and emotions can develop over many years and can be particularly damaging for the person on the receiving end. It is important to point out that not everyone that behaves badly in a relationship is a narcissist, narcissism is much more than poor behaviour this is a pattern of troubling personality traits which we refer to further below. 

What is narcissism?

Fundamentally, narcissism is a mental health condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is a form of emotional manipulation which can stem from deep-rooted insecurities and a lack of self-esteem but manifests itself in many different ways, and sometimes this is not deliberate or intentional on the part of the perpetrator. Hence, a narcissist may be unaware that they are causing emotional strain on their partner, but on the other hand, some narcissists are aware and use their personality disorder to cause emotional harm. The recipient of narcissistic behaviour can feel trapped and helpless because the primary motivation of a narcissist is to have control and to manipulate, whether this is intentional or not.  

Common signs of narcissistic behaviour

Although all narcissists will behave slightly differently, and of course every relationship is different, there are common traits that you may be able to identify as narcissistic behaviour:

• A sense of self-importance and entitlement
• Can’t show any empathy or compassion to you as a victim or any friends or family of yours
• Generally charming to you initially but will often keep up a charming persona to others 
• Showing excessive affection and wanting constant communications at the start of a relationship, often called love bombing
• Being jealous and envious of other relationships you might have
• Displaying arrogance as a form of low self-esteem
• Preoccupied by status and wealth 
• Can demonstrate aggressive tendencies as they can’t regulate their emotions properly
• Very sensitive to criticism of themselves and can’t tolerate imperfections in other people
• Prone to publicly humiliating you and making a joke out of it 
• Can be controlling and very manipulative. 

A narcissist will present with more than one of the above traits, and there are differing levels of narcissistic traits, with some being far more challenging and potentially dangerous. There is generally a pattern of behaviour that develops over time which presents itself as a cycle, where one minute your partner can be loving and the next be very dismissive of you, creating a feeling of rejection resulting in you seeking validation from them. This cycle can be very damaging to your self-worth and self-esteem, especially if this been going on over a long period of time. 

How to identify that your partner is a narcissist

Living with a narcissist can be exhausting and it will feel like you are always questioning yourself. It can also result in you developing low self-esteem and this could manifest itself in stress and anxiety where you feel torn between being loyal to your partner and escaping the situation. It is therefore important that you recognise the narcissistic traits in your partner and act on them. Here we have listed typical scenarios you might recognise:

• Is your partner always seeking praise and admiration from you or other people?
• Does your partner act like rules or laws don’t apply to them and that they deserve special treatment? Do they feel untouchable, as if they can do no wrong?
• Do they like to portray a very charming character in public, but you know this is false?
• Are they unable to take criticism on board?
• Do they refuse to take responsibility for their actions?
• Do they become excessive with flattery, gifts and seek commitment early in a relationship? Or after a fall-out?
• Are they capable of giving you the silent treatment and stonewalling you for hours? 
• Do they always make themselves centre of a conversation and show open disinterest in talking about you? 
• Do they make you feel like nothing you do will ever be good enough?
• Are they incapable of recognising the needs of you or other people? 
• Do they act impulsively for attention, and show a reckless disregard for the consequences? 
• Do they try to gaslight you and twist situations, so you feel like you are always in the wrong?  

Some of these traits are common in a partner and can be dismissed as playful or the normal ups and downs of a relationship. But it is very easy for these behaviours to become excessive and for a pattern to form which becomes abusive behaviour. The objective of the narcissist is to have control and to manipulate situations and emotions for their own benefit, and whether this is intentional or not, it is a form of emotional abuse. 

How to deal with a narcissist

Because a narcissist is hypersensitive, you often find yourself treading on eggshells around them and this makes it difficult to discuss the behaviour with them, and in some cases could result in the abuse taking on another form. If you have concerns about the behaviour of your partner and wish to escape the situation, it is important to speak to family and friends and seek their support. There are numerous resources available for those being subjected to an abusive relationship, such as the Domestic Abuse National helpline. You should take professional advice from an experienced family law solicitor, who will explain what your rights are and how you should approach a divorce and separation, or dissolving a civil partnership, if that is the course of action you have chosen.

About Claire Chisnell