Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early
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World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

Why Relationship Breakdown Magnifies Suicide Risk

A relationship ending is not a minor life event. It represents the loss of an attachment bond, and that loss can have profound consequences for psychological and physical wellbeing. Many people who function well in other areas of life describe feeling destabilised after separation or divorce. They often report fragmented sleep, inconsistent appetite, and difficulty concentrating. These reactions are not signs of weakness; they are normal physiological responses to the removal of an important source of stability. ¹ ²

Research supports this clinical reality. A large systematic review published in 2025 examined more than 100 million men across 30 countries and identified relationship breakdown as a consistent risk factor for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and deaths. The risk was especially pronounced in separated and divorced men. ³ ⁴ ⁵ ⁶ While this effect is most visible in men, women are by no means immune. The critical point is that the sudden loss of relational security creates vulnerability for anyone. Clinically, we observe a common pattern across genders: periods of agitation or heightened anxiety alternating with detachment or emotional numbness. ¹ ²

Neuroscience provides an explanation. Our nervous system relies on close relationships to regulate stress responses. When a relationship ends, the cues that maintained regulation, shared routines, presence, reassurance, are abruptly removed. ⁷ ⁸ This disorganisation can leave people feeling erratic, disoriented, and unable to manage tasks that previously felt simple. ⁹

How Suicidal Ideation Can Form After A Breakup

There are well-established psychological models that help us to understand the pathway from relational loss to suicidal risk.

The Interpersonal Theory of Suicide describes how risk increases when people experience both a loss of belonging and a sense of burdensomeness, particularly when combined with exposure to pain or a reduced fear of death. After a breakup, it is common for both belonging and self-worth to be undermined simultaneously. ¹⁰

The Integrated Motivational–Volitional (IMV) Model highlights how feelings of defeat and entrapment may give rise to suicidal thoughts, and how factors such as access to means or impulsivity determine whether those thoughts progress to action. ¹¹

Clinical practice also tells us that people struggle with the brain’s intolerance of uncertainty. After separation, individuals frequently describe compulsive cycles of rumination, the neurocognitive drive to resolve unfinished business which involves frequent replaying of conversations, messages, or imagined scenarios in an attempt to make sense of what happened. ¹² ¹³ This is not a character flaw; it reflects the mind’s effort to close unresolved loops.

In some cases, this process extends to an almost mythic weight placed on “final notes” or explanations. ¹⁴ Lee says “ultimately when rumination cannot close the loop, people may elevate the idea of a definitive explanation, farewell, or “final note” into something larger than life. It becomes mythic in the sense that it carries disproportionate symbolic importance, a perceived way to bring closure to unbearable uncertainty.”

We also know from the Polyvagal Theory that when attachment bonds rupture, the nervous system may lose access to its calm, socially engaged state. Instead, it can shift into patterns of fight, flight, or shutdown. ¹⁵ Recognising these biological processes helps us to treat them with compassion rather than judgement.

The Red Flags: What To Watch For After A Relationship Ends

Established public health guidance lists a number of clear warning signs for suicide, including talking about wanting to die, feeling trapped or being a burden, marked increases in substance use, agitation or rage, social withdrawal, disrupted sleep, dramatic mood swings, searching for methods, or making specific plans. ¹⁶ ¹⁷

Following a breakup, there are additional indicators to watch for:

  • Somatic dysregulation, such as restless sleep, exhaustion, and difficulty thinking clearly. ¹⁸
  • Avoidance of tasks that confirm the new reality, for example unopened letters or ignored legal documents, combined with intense responses to everyday reminders. ¹⁹ ²⁰
  • Fluctuations between anxiety and numbness, often appearing outwardly functional while internally overwhelmed. ²¹ ²²
  • Self-blame and shame loops, even when the relationship itself was harmful. ²³

Escalating risk can be seen in behaviours such as acquiring means, rehearsing farewells, giving away possessions, or displaying a sudden calm after a period of turmoil. ¹⁷ Restricting access to lethal means remains the single most effective intervention for preventing suicide. ²⁴ ²⁵ ²⁶

What The Person Is Most Often Worried About

The common concerns that drive suicidal thinking after relationship breakdown include:

  1. Loss of belonging and identity, a destabilising sense of “Who am I now?” ²⁷

  2. Entrapment and defeat, feeling caught in conflict, legal battles, or social disapproval, with no clear escape. ¹¹

  3. Perceived burdensomeness, believing that one’s continued existence causes harm to others. ¹⁰

  4. Compulsive rumination, replaying events in a search for closure. ¹²

  5. Invisible grief, appearing outwardly resilient while feeling privately overwhelmed. ²⁸

A Practical Response Plan

  1. Ask directly. It is safe and appropriate to use clear language: “Are you thinking about suicide?” If the answer is yes, remain with the person, limit access to means, and escalate to professional or emergency support. ²⁴ ²⁵

  2. Remove access to means. Secure medications, sharp objects, or other potential methods, and avoid high-risk locations. ²⁶

  3. Support regulation before reflection. When the nervous system is in distress, insight is limited. Encourage grounding through breathing, movement, or quiet companionship. ⁹ ¹⁵

  4. Introduce routine and ritual. Even small rituals, such as daily check-ins or shared meals, provide stability and meaning that support recovery. ²⁹

  5. Create a written safety plan. This should include supportive people to contact, safe places to go, regulating activities, steps to reduce access to means, and scheduled professional appointments.

  6. Listen for language of hopelessness or burdensomeness. Phrases such as “There is no way out” or “I am a problem for everyone” require immediate attention. ¹⁰ ¹¹

For Friends And Family

Supporting someone after a breakup requires patience, steadiness, and clarity. A practical approach might include:

  • Observing and naming changes without judgement.
  • Asking directly about suicidal thoughts.
  • Offering calm companionship, such as sitting or walking together. ¹⁵Taking steps to reduce access to means. ²⁶
  • Involving an additional trusted person.
  • Establishing small rituals of contact, such as daily check-ins. ²⁹
  • Following up consistently.

Understanding and Supporting Recovery

When someone is struggling after a breakup, it helps to remember that their reactions are biological survival responses rather than signs of weakness. ³⁰ “Feelings of panic, exhaustion, or hopelessness are the body’s way of responding to a profound loss” says Lee. “It’s important to understand that suicidal thoughts can often follow a pathway: first, the sense of overwhelming defeat or entrapment, and then the possibility of acting on those feelings if access to means is easy or rehearsed.” ¹¹ Recognising this pathway allows us to step in early.

Supporting someone also means helping them manage rumination, those cycles of replaying events and searching for explanations, by encouraging grounding techniques or limiting the time spent in these thoughts. ¹² Families and friends can also play a critical role in safety by reducing access to potential means of harm and creating safer environments. ²⁵ ²⁶

Finally, when a suicide does occur in a community, the way we respond matters. Structured support, open conversation, and ongoing contact reduce the risk of further harm for those left behind. ³¹

Changing The Narrative

The theme of World Suicide Prevention Day is “Changing the Narrative.” In this context, changing the narrative means moving away from minimising the impact of relationship loss and recognising it as a significant clinical risk factor.

The facts are clear:

  • Relationship breakdown places anyone at risk, with particularly high vulnerability for men. ³ ⁵
  • Warning signs are usually visible if we take the time to look and ask. ¹⁶
  • The progression from suicidal thought to action is preventable, especially when means safety and social support are in place. ²⁴ ²⁵

Our individual responsibility is to combine practical measures with compassion. Survivors of relationship breakdown are not “broken;” they are people carrying more than their nervous system can manage in that moment. With appropriate support, co-regulation, and steady engagement, recovery is possible. ³² ³³

Lee comments: “On this World Suicide Prevention Day, I would encourage you to remain attentive to those around you. If you are struggling, reach out. If you see someone else struggling, lean in. I firmly believe that presence and action can change the course of a life”.

References

  1. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  2. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  3. Corsi, M. et al. “Relationship breakdown and suicide risk in men: A systematic review.” BMC Psychiatry. 2025.

  4. Scourfield, J. et al. “Separation and divorce as suicide risk factors.” Journal of Affective Disorders. 2024.

  5. Schaan, V.K. et al. “Divorce, separation and suicide mortality: A population-level study.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2023.

  6. Kposowa, A. “Divorce and suicide risk: A global perspective.” Social Science & Medicine. 2022.

  7. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 2, Nervous System Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  8. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 3, Somatic Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  9. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 13, Regulation Before Reflection. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  10. Joiner, T. Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press, 2005.

  11. O’Connor, R.C. The Integrated Motivational–Volitional Model of Suicidal Behaviour. Routledge, 2011.

  12. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  13. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 5, Open Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  14. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 6, Final Notes. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  15. Porges, S.W. The Polyvagal Theory. Norton, 2011.

  16. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Suicide Warning Signs and Symptoms. 2024.

  17. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Risk Factors and Warning Signs. 2024.

  18. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 4, Somatic Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  19. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 6, Daily Avoidance. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  20. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 7, Environmental Triggers. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  21. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 8, Oscillation States. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  22. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 9, Numbness. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  23. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 3, Shame Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  24. World Health Organization. Suicide Prevention: Restricting Access to Means. WHO, 2024.

  25. Pirkis, J. et al. “The effectiveness of structural interventions at suicide hotspots.” Crisis. 2019.

  26. Zalsman, G. et al. “Means restriction for suicide prevention.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2016.

  27. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 10, Identity Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  28. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 12, Hidden Grief. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  29. Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 14, Rituals of Recovery. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  30. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 15, Normalising Biology. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  31. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 7, Postvention. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  32. Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Foreword. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

  33. Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Conclusion, Healing is Regulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

You might be interested in

The Hidden Toll of Divorce on Men: Mental Health and Behavioural Outcomes
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The Hidden Toll of Divorce on Men: Mental Health and Behavioural Outcomes

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

“Divorce is often perceived as a legal or relational event, but its impact runs far deeper, especially for men. While societal narratives tend to focus on the emotional struggles’ women face, it is increasingly clear that men also endure significant psychological upheaval¹. As a clinician working across Thailand and Europe, I have witnessed firsthand how divorce can profoundly affect men’s mental health and behaviour, often in ways that are misunderstood or overlooked.

In this article, I aim to shed light on how men are affected by divorce, how it influences their mental wellbeing, and the behavioural patterns that may emerge as a result. Understanding these dynamics is vital for fostering support systems that can facilitate healing and resilience.

The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Men

Men often internalise their emotional pain in ways that can be invisible to others². Societally conditioned to embody strength, stoicism, and self-reliance, many men feel compelled to hide their vulnerabilities. From my clinical experience, I’ve observed that beneath this façade, men often experience intense feelings of grief, loss, and confusion.

A common theme I encounter is the disorientation that follows the dissolution of a marriage. Men frequently describe waking up feeling as if they are strangers in their own lives, disconnected from their usual routines, roles, and aspirations. This loss of identity, particularly when their self-worth is tied to their roles as providers or protectors, can be deeply destabilising³.

In my professional observations, the sense of a fractured future and shattered plans leaves many men feeling unmoored. They may experience a profound sense of loneliness and question their purpose, which can lead to a cascade of emotional and psychological challenges⁴.

Impact on Mental Health

The mental health consequences of divorce for men can be severe. Common symptoms include depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and somatic complaints such as headaches, fatigue, or muscle tension⁵. In many cases, men internalise feelings of shame or guilt, believing that they are at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. This self-blame can become a vicious cycle, fuelling rumination and emotional distress⁶.

Attachment theory offers a useful lens through which to understand these reactions⁷. The loss of a primary attachment figure, most often the spouse, can cause feelings of vulnerability and helplessness. Without proper outlets or support, these feelings can deepen, leading to long-term mental health conditions if left unaddressed.

Furthermore, many men experience a sense of identity disintegration, which can lead to feelings of emptiness and despair⁸. They may find it difficult to recognise themselves outside the context of their marriage, which exacerbates their mental health struggles. Physical symptoms such as insomnia, chronic tension, or fatigue often serve as somatic expressions of their internal turmoil⁹.

Behavioural Manifestations of Divorce-Related Distress

The psychological toll of divorce frequently manifests in observable behaviours. From my clinical work, I see patterns such as withdrawal from social networks, avoidance of emotional discussions, and maladaptive coping strategies¹⁰.

Substance abuse is a common response; many men turn to alcohol or drugs as a means of numbing emotional pain temporarily¹¹. I often see men who, in times of crisis, spiral into heavy drinking or drug use, believing these substances will help them escape their feelings. As I’ve stated in my practice, “Alcohol and drugs often become the quick fix for emotional numbness, but they only deepen the wound over time.” While this may provide short-term relief, it often worsens their mental health over time¹².

Similarly, some men engage in risky behaviours, such as reckless sex, gambling, or overspending, seeking stimulation or distraction from their inner pain. These behaviours can quickly escalate into addictive patterns, especially when used as coping mechanisms¹³. I’ve observed that “when men are overwhelmed, their responses can become compulsive, as they attempt to regain a sense of control or escape through addiction.”

I have also observed increased irritability, anger, or aggression in men navigating divorce¹⁴. These emotional responses can be directed inward, leading to self-criticism and depression, or outward, causing conflicts with family, friends, or colleagues. Such behaviours tend to isolate men further, reinforcing feelings of loneliness and hopelessness.

Neglect of self-care is another common pattern. Men may deprioritise their physical health, skipping medical appointments, neglecting exercise, or engaging in poor nutrition, which creates a vicious cycle of physical and mental decline¹⁵.

Societal Expectations and Their Role

Societal standards around masculinity significantly influence how men experience and cope with divorce. Traditional notions of masculinity emphasise emotional restraint, independence, and strength. While these traits may serve in certain contexts, they often hinder men from expressing vulnerability or seeking help during times of crisis¹⁶.

In my experience, many men feel that showing emotion is dangerous or a sign of weakness. This cultural stigma discourages open communication about their struggles, leading to emotional repression that can intensify mental health issues¹⁷. It’s not uncommon for men to hide their pain behind a façade of stoicism, which can delay or prevent them from accessing the support they need.

This cultural dynamic underscores the importance of providing safe, stigma-free environments where men can explore their feelings and seek professional help without shame. As a specialist in addiction and trauma, I have seen how unaddressed emotional pain often manifests through addictive behaviours. “Without proper support, these coping mechanisms, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling, or compulsive sex, can quickly become entrenched, turning into destructive patterns that are hard to break,” I often emphasise in my work¹⁸.

Long-term Effects and the Importance of Support

Unaddressed, the psychological and behavioural impacts of divorce can persist long-term, affecting overall wellbeing and future relationships¹⁹. Persistent feelings of loss, identity confusion, and emotional suppression may lead to chronic depression, anxiety disorders, and difficulties forming new connections²⁰.

From my perspective, recovery is rarely linear. It involves patience, self-compassion, and often, professional support. Men need safe spaces to process their grief, confront their feelings, and rebuild their sense of self. Support groups, therapy, and open conversations can play a vital role in this process²¹.

In my clinical practice, I often see how addiction can serve as both a symptom and a barrier to healing. “Addictive behaviours, whether substance use, compulsive gambling, or risky sexual activity, are often attempts to self-medicate unresolved trauma,” I explain. “Addressing these behaviours requires a nuanced understanding of underlying pain and trauma, not just surface-level treatment.” ²²

However, stigma remains a barrier, and many men are reluctant to seek help. Therefore, ongoing efforts to destigmatise mental health and addiction treatment for men, along with culturally sensitive approaches, are vital in ensuring they receive the care they need²³.

The journey through divorce can be profoundly isolating and painful for men. Their mental health often bears the brunt of this upheaval, manifesting in depression, anxiety, somatic symptoms, and maladaptive or addictive behaviours. Recognising these patterns and understanding the societal influences that shape men’s responses are crucial steps toward providing effective support.

As a clinician dedicated to behavioural health, I believe that fostering environments where men feel safe to express vulnerability and seek help is fundamental. With the right support, men can navigate the complex aftermath of divorce, heal emotionally, and rebuild a resilient sense of self.

Understanding and addressing the silent suffering of men during this turbulent time is not just a clinical necessity; it is a societal imperative. Through compassion, awareness, and targeted intervention, including addressing addictive patterns, I believe it’s possible to not only help men survive divorce but to emerge from it stronger and more self-aware”.

References

  1. Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1269–1287.

  2. Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5–14.

  3. Levant, R. F. (1996). The new psychology of men. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 27(3), 259–265.

  4. Kilmartin, C. (2005). Depression in men: Communication, diagnosis and therapy. The Journal of Men’s Health & Gender, 2(1), 95–99.

  5. Wang, H. T., & Amato, P. R. (2000). Predictors of divorce adjustment: Stressors, resources, and definitions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 655–668.

  6. Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered.

  7. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change.

  8. Bruce, M. L., & Kim, K. (1992). Differences in the effects of divorce on major depression in men and women. American Journal of Psychiatry, 149(7), 914–917.

  9. Kendler, K. S., et al. (2003). Stressful life events and major depression: Risk period, long-term contextual threat, and diagnostic specificity. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 191(3), 143–149.

  10. Umberson, D., et al. (1992). Divorce and health: Consequences and correlates. Sociological Forum, 7(3), 423–439.

  11. Dawson, D. A. (1994). Gender differences in the risk of alcohol abuse: The impact of family structure and social role. Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 55(1), 18–27.

  12. Kessler, R. C., et al. (1997). The co-morbidity of DSM-III-R major depressive disorder in the general population: Results from the US National Comorbidity Survey. British Journal of Psychiatry, 168(Suppl 30), 17–30.

  13. Potenza, M. N. (2006). Should addictive disorders include non-substance-related conditions? Addiction, 101, 142–151.

  14. Rosen, L. N., et al. (1996). Traumatic events and their relationship to posttraumatic stress disorder and depressive disorder in male and female soldiers. Depression, 4(5), 220–231.

  15. Courtenay, W. H. (2000). Constructions of masculinity and their influence on men’s well-being: A theory of gender and health. Social Science & Medicine, 50(10), 1385–1401.

  16. Mahalik, J. R., et al. (2003). Masculinity and perceived normative health behaviors as predictors of men’s health behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201–2209.

  17. O’Neil, J. M. (2008). Summarising 25 years of research on men’s gender role conflict using the Gender Role Conflict Scale. The Counseling Psychologist, 36(3), 358–445.

  18. Khantzian, E. J. (1997). The self-medication hypothesis of substance use disorders: A reconsideration and recent applications. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 4(5), 231–244.

  19. Lorenz, F. O., et al. (2006). The short-term and decade-long effects of divorce on women’s midlife health. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 47(2), 111–125.

  20. Simon, R. W. (2002). Revisiting the relationships among gender, marital status, and mental health. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 1065–1096.

  21. Jordan, J. V., et al. (2004). The complexity of connection: Writings from the Stone Center.

  22. Najavits, L. M. (2002). Seeking Safety: A Treatment Manual for PTSD and Substance Abuse.

  1. Vogel, D. L., et al. (2011). Stigma, help-seeking, and mental health: A review of the literature. Psychological Services, 8(2), 98–110.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

You might be interested in

Post-Divorce Trauma and Mental Health: Making Peace with the Past
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Post-Divorce Trauma and Mental Health: Making Peace with the Past

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

The Hidden Cost of Divorce

In a culture increasingly obsessed with curated happiness and tidy healing narratives, few life events are as misunderstood or underestimated in their emotional toll as divorce. Often reduced to paperwork, asset division, and custody schedules, the psychological aftermath is left largely unspoken—an invisible grief that reshapes identity and lingers quietly in the body.

“The emotional wreckage of divorce is not undone by paperwork – it’s rewired into the nervous system,” says Lee Hawker.

From the outside, divorce may appear as a fresh start, but to the individual experiencing it, it can feel like an implosion. The loss is often multilayered – not just of a partner or home, but of an imagined future, daily rituals, and even social identity and often we see trauma responses are triggered long after the final decree. Healing from divorce requires more than procedural resolution; it requires emotional integration. Without this, clients are left carrying invisible scars that shape future relationships, parenting dynamics, and self-worth. Recognising this trauma -and naming it – is the first step in reclaiming emotional integrity after the end of a marriage.

Divorce: A Trauma in Disguise

Divorce is trauma. Not metaphorically, but neurologically and psychologically. It dismantles one’s emotional infrastructure and often activates dormant wounds that trace back decades. It’s not merely the end of a marriage; it’s the crumbling of the self that existed within that union – one that may have taken years to build. The impact is frequently cumulative, tapping into unresolved attachment injuries, childhood trauma, or intergenerational emotional patterns that have long gone unexamined.

“In my clinical work, I’ve seen how divorce unlocks every unresolved attachment wound, often more powerfully than bereavement,” says Hawker.

Symptoms often mirror those of trauma-based conditions: flashbacks, ruminative thought cycles, depressive lethargy, social withdrawal, and intense fear of future connection. Divorce may strip people of emotional safety, routine, and self-concept in one fell swoop, leaving them feeling destabilised and ashamed. And yet, because divorce is so normalised in legal or social terms, the profound psychic dislocation it causes is often dismissed. At The Cabin, we treat many individuals whose emotional responses to divorce were minimised by others or by themselves – leading to delayed or suppressed healing. Recognising divorce as a legitimate trauma experience allows space for compassion, clinical intervention, and meaningful growth.

The Harm of ‘Moving On’

“Just move on.” It’s a mantra of the modern wellness era, uttered by friends, family, and even therapists in the hope of fast-tracking recovery. But this insistence on progress can be deeply damaging. Healing from divorce doesn’t obey a linear timeline, and certainly not one dictated by social convenience or cultural comfort. The idea that moving on is the benchmark for wellness often results in internalised shame when grief inevitably resurfaces.

“Real healing doesn’t demand movement – it demands presence,” explains Lee. “You don’t have to ‘move on’ to be okay.”

We encourage individuals to resist the pressure of performing wellness. Instead, we focus on emotional presence – allowing grief to unfold without suppression or rebranding. The push to “move on” frequently bypasses necessary grieving processes, prematurely shutting down reflection and emotional expression. This can lead to emotional numbing, unresolved anger, or dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Healing is not about speed; it’s about depth. By acknowledging that divorce is not something to be “gotten over,” but something to be lived through, we invite a more authentic and sustainable recovery path. The discomfort may linger, but it becomes less corrosive when not silenced or denied.

The Myth of Closure

Closure is a seductive but ultimately misleading idea. It suggests a clean ending, a box we can tick before moving on with our lives. But human emotions, especially grief and loss, rarely conform to such tidy arcs. Divorce doesn’t offer clean lines – it often leaves jagged edges. When we seek closure, what we are often craving is certainty, finality, or even emotional vindication. And yet, in most cases, these never arrive.

“Closure is a myth we tell ourselves to end pain prematurely,” says Lee. “Containment is where real strength lies – the ability to live beside grief, not erase it.”

It’s about reframing recovery not as the achievement of closure, but as the development of containment. This involves holding pain without being consumed by it – learning how to coexist with memories, regret, and longing in a way that doesn’t derail one’s forward movement. When we stop searching for the elusive finish line and instead focus on emotional spaciousness, something remarkable happens: grief becomes less sharp. Not because it has been “resolved,” but because we have built the capacity to carry it. The goal isn’t to close the book—it’s to keep living even as the story evolves.

Divorce is a Mirror, Not a Window

Many people expect divorce to serve as a window into a new chapter—an escape route toward reinvention. But more often than not, it acts as a mirror, reflecting back parts of ourselves we have long avoided. Post-divorce, individuals are often faced with confronting their emotional patterns: fear of abandonment, enmeshment, suppressed rage, or an over-reliance on external validation. These traits didn’t appear because of the divorce—they were always there, hidden within the relational dynamic.

“Divorce forces us to meet the parts of ourselves we used relationships to escape,” says Lee.

The therapeutic process involves identifying these patterns with compassionate honesty. When divorce is approached as a mirror, it becomes a powerful diagnostic tool. We begin to understand not only the relationship that ended, but the internal architecture that made it feel inevitable or unsustainable. This does not mean self-blame – it means self-awareness. By confronting our own emotional inheritance, we create the possibility of healthier future relationships and a more grounded sense of self. In this light, the pain of divorce becomes not a detour, but a necessary part of the journey inward.

Identity After Divorce: Rebuilding Without Rebranding

One of the most destabilising aspects of divorce is the collapse of identity. Who are we without the relational roles that defined us – spouse, co-parent, provider, partner? For many, this loss of identity can feel more shattering than the relationship itself. It is not uncommon for clients to report a sense of emotional disembodiment – like they are living someone else’s life.

“Your identity isn’t lost in divorce – it’s just buried under disappointment,” says Lee.

We encourage clients not to rush into reinvention. The pressure to “bounce back” often leads people to perform confidence while privately unraveling. Instead, we explore the idea of reclamation – retrieving the parts of the self that predated the relationship, and discovering aspects that were never fully allowed to emerge. Divorce becomes a threshold moment: not a reset, but a reckoning. Who were you before compromise diluted your voice? Who are you when nobody’s expectations are crowding your authenticity? When approached gently, divorce recovery allows individuals to rebuild not through wholesale reinvention, but through rediscovery – and in that process, something vital and durable begins to take root.

Recovery is Not Linear: Grit as the Benchmark

Progress after divorce is rarely tidy. Some days feel hopeful; others feel like regression. This oscillation is not a sign of failure – it is the nature of emotional healing. And yet, many clients fear they are “backsliding” when grief revisits them unexpectedly. The truth is: recovery does not follow a timeline. There is no deadline for feeling whole again.

“We must normalise regression in healing,” urges Lee. “Progress is not a straight line. It’s a spiral.”

We help people reframe success not as emotional consistency but as emotional engagement. The benchmark is not how well you are coping – it’s how honestly you are participating in your own healing. Grit, in this context, is not about stoicism in the traditional sense; it’s about turning up, again and again, to face the inner storm. It’s about making the bed, attending therapy, showing up for your kids even when your heart is breaking. When we stop measuring healing by perfection and start recognising the bravery of persistence, a more compassionate recovery process becomes possible.

Anger as a Useful Companion

Anger is often framed as the enemy of healing – but this is a mischaracterisation. In the wake of divorce, anger is not only normal; it’s necessary. Beneath the rage lies grief, betrayal, loss of agency, and shattered expectations. When we deny anger, we risk burying truths that require attention.

“Anger is grief’s first language,” says Lee. “We just have to learn to translate it.”

It’s important to explore anger as a doorway rather than a dead end. When expressed constructively, anger clarifies boundaries and reclaims power. It identifies where needs were unmet and where one’s values were violated. Importantly, healthy anger can act as a defence mechanism against depression and self-blame. But to access this clarity, clients must feel safe enough to express and metabolise their rage. Unprocessed anger doesn’t disappear – it mutates into bitterness, isolation, or anxiety. By honouring it, we transform it. Anger is not a flaw in the recovery process – it is a compass pointing to what still needs to be named, felt, and healed.

Parenting Through the Lens of Grace, Not Guilt

Parental guilt is perhaps the most corrosive emotion that accompanies divorce. Clients often express paralysing regret about how the separation might affect their children. They fear emotional damage, disrupted routines, and fractured trust. But what most research – and lived experience – shows is that children do not suffer from the divorce itself, but from ongoing conflict, emotional unavailability, and inauthenticity in the home.

“Children benefit more from witnessing your growth than your performance,” says Lee.

It’s important to support parents in shifting their internal narrative from “I’ve damaged them” to “I can still model recovery.” Children thrive when they see resilience in action. They benefit from witnessing parents who are willing to own mistakes, apologise, seek help, and prioritise emotional safety. Divorce offers a profound opportunity to model imperfection with dignity and vulnerability. The goal is not to shield children from pain – it is to equip them with the language and tools to navigate it. When guilt is replaced with grace, parenting becomes less about control and more about connection – and in that space, healing multiplies.

Endurance Over Enlightenment

Cultural narratives often sell us a redemptive arc: the idea that divorce is a painful but ultimately empowering prelude to reinvention. And while that’s sometimes true, it’s not the whole picture. For many, post-divorce life is not a clean ascension. It’s a long, quiet endurance. It’s putting one foot in front of the other when joy still feels out of reach. And that’s okay.

“Endurance is the hidden virtue of recovery,” says Lee. “You don’t need to be transformed to be okay.”

We view endurance as a sacred act. It means continuing to live with the full weight of emotion without collapsing. It means surviving the empty house, the changed finances, the new co-parenting schedule – and doing it with a shred of dignity. Healing does not need to look like euphoria or reinvention. Sometimes, the bravest thing a person can do is keep showing up. In these moments, endurance becomes a quiet defiance against hopelessness. It says: I’m still here. And for many, that is the first and most powerful declaration of recovery.

Final Thoughts: Resilience as Realism

True resilience after divorce isn’t about glossy transformation – it’s about staying real. It’s about rejecting cultural pressure to perform happiness and instead, embracing the mess of being human. There will be days when grief blindsides you, when shame whispers lies, when hope feels distant. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re healing.

“Healing doesn’t need to look like joy. It just needs to look like you, choosing life again,” says Lee.

Divorce recovery is not a success story – it’s a survival story. And the most powerful part of that story is that you’re still writing it.

References

  1. Hawker, L. writing as Marcus A (2025). Pessimism: A Survival Guide. [Manuscript].

  2. Hawker, L writing as Marcus A (Unpublished) Divorce: A Survival Guide [PrePub. Manuscript]

  3. American Psychological Association. (2022). The Psychological Impact of Divorce.

  4. Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

  5. Frankl, V. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning.

  6. Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focused and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focused treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

You might be interested in

Therapy and Mindfulness Practices for Self-Discovery After Divorce
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Therapy and Mindfulness Practices for Self-Discovery After Divorce

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

The end of a relationship, particularly a marriage, can be one of the most disorienting and painful transitions in life. Divorce shakes the very foundations of identity, security, and future expectations. However, within this upheaval lies an opportunity: a chance to reconnect with oneself, to redefine personal values, and to cultivate resilience. Therapy and mindfulness practices offer invaluable tools for self-discovery and emotional healing, guiding individuals toward a renewed sense of purpose and wellbeing.

The Power of Mindful Reflection

One of the most profound tools in healing after a divorce is the practice of mindful reflection. Divorce often leaves individuals caught in the past or anxiously anticipating the future—rehashing old arguments, replaying regrets, or fearing what lies ahead. Mindful reflection counterbalances this by anchoring attention in the present moment. Simple exercises, such as noticing the texture of a blanket, the scent of morning coffee, or the rhythm of the breath, create moments of stillness in an otherwise turbulent emotional landscape.

“Mindful reflection is a way of giving yourself the permission to pause,” says Lee. “By focussing on small, tangible details, you remind yourself that life is still unfolding, moment by moment. This practice helps in reducing anxiety and preventing emotional overwhelm. It provides a sense of agency, allowing healing to take root.”

Physiologically, mindful reflection supports the nervous system by promoting relaxation and reducing the activation of the stress response. Studies have shown that mindfulness-based interventions lower cortisol levels and enhance emotional regulation (Tang, Hölzel, & Posner, 2015). By bringing attention to the present, individuals decrease stress markers, which in turn lowers heart rate and blood pressure, fostering a state of calm and centeredness. Mentally, it strengthens self-awareness and acceptance, helping individuals to detach from negative thought spirals and self-criticism.

Journaling as a Pathway to Clarity

Journaling provides an outlet for untangling the complexity of emotions that arise during and after divorce. Divorce often triggers a cascade of thoughts and emotions, ranging from anger and grief to relief and hope. Without a structured way to process these emotions, they can become a tangled web of confusion.

“Writing down your thoughts can help you understand what is within your control and what is not,” explains Lee. “Journaling is a simple yet powerful way to gain insight into your needs and values, fostering a deeper understanding of yourself beyond the identity shaped by your former relationship.”

On a neurological level, journaling activates the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking and emotional regulation. Studies have indicated that expressive writing enhances cognitive processing, reduces symptoms of depression, and improves overall emotional wellbeing (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016). It provides an opportunity to reprocess painful memories in a safe way, strengthening cognitive flexibility and reducing emotional distress. Moreover, expressive writing has been shown to improve immune function and decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Negative Visualisation: A Counterintuitive Path to Gratitude

While it may seem counterproductive to reflect on loss after a divorce, the practice of negative visualisation offers a unique form of healing. This exercise involves imagining life without the things we cherish, not to dwell in sorrow but to cultivate a greater appreciation for what remains.

“Thinking about what life would be like without close friendships, family, or even personal health shifts our focus from loss to gratitude,” says Lee. “Divorce may mean the end of a relationship, but it does not mean the end of everything. This shift in mindset fosters resilience and strengthens our sense of inner stability.”

This practice activates the brain’s reward system, encouraging the release of dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation (Berridge & Kringelbach, 2015). In doing so, it helps individuals shift their perspective from one of deprivation to one of abundance, reducing feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Mindfulness Meditation: Training the Mind for Equanimity

Mindfulness meditation has been extensively studied for its impact on emotional regulation. Regular mindfulness practice reduces reactivity to emotional distress while fostering greater control over thought patterns.

“Meditation is not about emptying the mind—it’s about learning to sit with your thoughts without becoming overwhelmed by them,” says Lee. “By cultivating this non-reactive awareness, you learn to navigate emotional pain with greater ease, allowing it to pass rather than consume you.”

Neuroscientifically, mindfulness meditation strengthens connections between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, which helps regulate emotional reactivity. Research has shown that consistent meditation practice leads to structural changes in the brain that support emotional resilience and stress management (Hölzel et al., 2011). Over time, this practice reduces stress-related inflammation in the body and increases gray matter density in areas responsible for learning, memory, and emotional balance.

Acts of Kindness: Rebuilding Connection and Meaning

Divorce can create a profound sense of isolation. A once-shared life is now singular, and the absence of a partner can leave a void in daily experiences. One antidote to this loneliness is the practice of small, deliberate acts of kindness. Engaging in kind gestures—whether volunteering, offering a sincere compliment, or reaching out to a friend—reminds individuals of their capacity for love and connection beyond romantic relationships.

“Even small acts of kindness can have a big impact on emotional recovery,” says Lee. “They reinforce our connection to the world around us and remind us that we are not alone in our journey. Giving kindness to others often helps us heal, too.”

Research shows that acts of kindness trigger the release of oxytocin, the hormone associated with bonding and trust, while also increasing serotonin and dopamine levels (Kogan et al., 2010). These biochemical changes create a sense of happiness, reduce stress, and counteract feelings of loneliness.

Embracing the Journey of Self-Discovery

“The journey after divorce is about learning who you are outside of that relationship,” says Lee. “Each mindful step you take brings clarity, strength, and the opportunity for renewal.”

Divorce is not merely an end; it is a transition, a doorway to a new phase of life. The emotional turmoil that follows can feel overwhelming, but with each intentional step—whether through reflection, journaling, meditation, or acts of kindness—individuals begin to forge a new understanding of themselves. Self-discovery is not an overnight event; it is a gradual process of re-learning, re-defining, and re-building.

One of the most important aspects of this journey is self-compassion. Often, individuals exiting a relationship hold onto feelings of guilt, failure, or self-doubt. However, embracing mindfulness and therapeutic practices allows for a more balanced perspective. “Healing comes when we learn to be gentle with ourselves,” says Lee. “Instead of judging our past choices harshly, we must acknowledge that growth emerges from struggle.”

Physiologically, engaging in mindfulness and reflective exercises activates neural pathways associated with emotional regulation and resilience. Practices such as meditation and cognitive reframing help rewire the brain to respond to distress with greater equanimity, reducing stress hormones and fostering a sense of emotional stability. Moreover, acts of kindness, whether directed toward oneself or others, generate a biochemical response that increases dopamine and serotonin levels, promoting feelings of well-being and connection.

Another crucial element of self-discovery is embracing solitude. Many fear being alone after the end of a marriage, but solitude can be a powerful teacher. “Being alone does not mean being lonely,” Lee explains. “It is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself, to rediscover interests, passions, and aspects of your identity that may have been overshadowed in the relationship.”

By shifting focus from loss to possibility, individuals can transform the pain of divorce into an opportunity for growth. Each step taken—whether through journaling, mindful meditation, or reframing thoughts—builds a new foundation upon which to create a fulfilling, independent life.

Ultimately, self-discovery after divorce is about recognising that while a chapter has closed, the story is far from over. “This is a chance to redefine your narrative on your terms,” says Lee. “You have the power to shape your own future, and with time, clarity, and self-compassion, a new and fulfilling life will emerge.”

References

  • Berridge, K. C., & Kringelbach, M. L. (2015). Pleasure systems in the brain. Neuron, 86(3), 646-664.

  • Hölzel, B. K., Lazar, S. W., Gard, T., Schuman-Olivier, Z., Vago, D. R., & Ott, U. (2011). How does mindfulness meditation work? Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(6), 537-559.

  • Kogan, A., Gruber, J., Shallcross, A. J., Ford, B. Q., & Mauss, I. B. (2010). Too much of a good thing? Emotion, 10(6), 925-929.

  • Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain. Guilford Press.

  • Tang, Y. Y., Hölzel, B. K., & Posner, M. I. (2015). The neuroscience of mindfulness meditation. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 16(4), 213-225.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focused and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focused treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

You might be interested in

Using Alcohol to Cope With Divorce and Life After Divorce
Photo by Apolo Photographer on Unsplash.
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Using Alcohol to Cope With Divorce and Life After Divorce

Published on
Lee Hawker
Lee Hawker
Clinical Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

Divorce is a journey laden with emotional and spiritual challenges, impacting every aspect of wellbeing. The unravelling of a marriage brings forth grief, loss, and shattered expectations, resulting in profound emotional distress.

In the realm of emotional pain, divorce marks the loss of a significant relationship, triggering a mourning process akin to grief. It encompasses not only the end of a marriage but also the mourning of dreams, shared experiences, and future expectations.

The termination of a marriage can thrust one into an identity crisis, challenging their sense of self-worth and leading to feelings of rejection and inadequacy.

The divorce process introduces uncertainty, legal complexities, and changes in living arrangements, contributing to heightened stress and anxiety. Feelings of isolation often emerge, especially where social circles are transformed. Intense emotions, including anger and resentment, often surface during divorce, directed towards the former spouse, oneself, or the circumstances leading to the divorce.

The breakdown of trust in the previous marriage may cultivate a fear of entering new relationships, with concerns about potential repeated emotional pain or failure.

From a spiritual perspective, divorce can sever the connection to shared values and beliefs that formed the foundation of the marriage, leaving individuals spiritually disoriented. The emotional upheaval often prompts existential questions about beliefs, purpose, and the meaning of life, contributing to spiritual distress. The fundamental psychological need for connection and belonging is often disrupted by divorce, fostering feelings of isolation and a profound sense of loss. This impact on self-worth then becomes a crucial aspect of the individual’s psychological well-being.

Coping with the amalgamation of mental, emotional and spiritual pain involves seeking professional help, providing a safe space to explore and process the complexities. Therapists assist in navigating existential questions and rebuilding a sense of self.

It is important to address the mental and emotional impacts of divorce and recognising that the emotional and spiritual pain of divorce is a complex and individualised experience is crucial. Taking steps such as seeking professional support, fostering new connections, and engaging in practices that promote emotional and spiritual wellbeing are essential for healing and rebuilding a sense of connectedness. Undertaking some therapy during this difficult process can provide solace and support. Engaging in mindfulness practices can also foster a sense of presence and inner peace while connecting with one’s beliefs.

Joining support groups or communities with shared experiences also mitigates feelings of isolation and can provide a platform to discuss emotional spiritual concerns as well as receiving some guidance.

Why do people turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism?

People may turn to alcohol for several reasons, and the factors influencing this behaviour are complex. It can serve as a temporary escape, providing stress relief and emotional regulation. Social influence, cultural factors, genetic predisposition, self-medication for mental health issues, and a lack of healthy coping skills can all contribute to the adoption of alcohol as a coping mechanism.

The relationship between alcohol consumption and the avoidance of psychological and emotional pain is a complex and often detrimental coping mechanism. Individuals facing stressors, trauma, or emotional challenges may turn to alcohol as a means of escaping their difficulties temporarily.

One primary reason individuals turn to alcohol in the face of psychological and emotional pain is its role as a coping mechanism. Alcohol can temporarily alleviate feelings of anxiety, sadness, or stress, creating a sense of numbness that offers a brief respite from the intensity of emotional turmoil. This temporary relief may seem appealing, especially when individuals are grappling with challenging situations.

Genetic predispositions play a role in determining an individual’s susceptibility to alcohol use as a coping mechanism. Some people have a higher genetic risk for developing alcohol use disorders. Additionally, social and environmental factors contribute to alcohol use, especially for those surrounded by a culture or social circle where alcohol is readily available and seen as a coping mechanism.

Underlying mental health conditions, such as depression or anxiety, can contribute to the use of alcohol as a form of self-medication. The numbing effect of alcohol provides a temporary escape from the complexities of their emotional state.

While alcohol may offer temporary relief, relying on it as a primary mechanism of avoidance can lead to negative consequences. The relief provided by alcohol is short-lived, and the underlying psychological and emotional issues remain unaddressed, creating a cycle of dependence on alcohol to manage pain.

It’s worth noting that alcohol impairs cognitive function and judgment, leading to poor decision-making, impulsive behaviours, and a decreased ability to navigate challenges effectively. Excessive consumption can worsen symptoms of anxiety and depression, contributing to a decline in mental health.

Using alcohol to avoid emotional pain interferes with the natural healing process, preventing individuals from addressing and resolving underlying issues.

Excessive alcohol use can strain relationships with family and friends, further isolating individuals who may already be dealing with the social challenges of emotional pain. Identifying excessive drinking during a divorce involves observing signs such as increased frequency, neglect of responsibilities, changes in routine, physical and mood-related symptoms, and legal issues.

It’s essential to approach the situation with sensitivity and consider the overall impact on a person’s wellbeing, relationships, and daily functioning.

If an individual consistently consumes large amounts of alcohol than usual, experiences disruptions in daily routines, neglects responsibilities, displays mood swings, or exhibits physical signs of excessive drinking, these could be indicators of problematic alcohol use.

Occasional increased alcohol consumption might not necessarily indicate a problem. Open communication and support are essential when addressing concerns.

I would advise against using alcohol as a primary coping mechanism during divorce. I would strongly discourage the use of alcohol in overcoming the pain caused by divorce due to its temporary relief, the risk of dependence, the impaired judgment it causes and all the associated negative impacts on mental health. All of these interfere with and hamper the healing process.

Coping strategies for a healthier divorce process include therapy and counselling for emotional support, mindfulness and meditation to manage stress, regular exercise to reduce stress and improve mood, prioritising a healthy lifestyle, establishing stable routines, engaging in enjoyable activities, maintaining social connections, using journaling as a therapeutic outlet, seeking legal and financial support, and setting clear boundaries around alcohol consumption.

While alcohol may provide a temporary escape from psychological and emotional pain, it is not an effective or healthy long-term solution. Address the root causes of their pain and building healthier ways of dealing with life’s challenges is always better than avoidance. Recognising the potential pitfalls of relying on alcohol for avoidance is a vital step towards fostering genuine emotional wellbeing.

Facing the emotional, psychological and spiritual challenges of divorce requires a holistic approach, emphasising healthy coping strategies rather than a reliance on alcohol or other forms of substances. I fundamentally believe that seeking support from friends, family, and professionals is essential for long-term wellbeing during what is for many one of the most challenging periods of their life.

More articles about alcohol and divorce.

About Lee Hawker

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focused and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focused treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

You might be interested in