coping with divorce

Will Compulsory Mediation Protect Children from Courtroom Conflict?

Published on April 17, 2023April 17, 2023

Thousands of children could avoid seeing their parents embroiled in bitter, lengthy, and costly courtroom conflicts following a proposal to make mediation compulsory for separating couples.

We wholeheartedly welcome the Government’s plan for separating couples to undertake mediation with a qualified mediator like myself to agree key issues such as arrangements for children and financial settlements.

The proposal, which aims to overhaul the family justice system, would apply to all suitable low-level family court cases. It would not include cases involving claims of, or a history of, domestic violence.

Going to Court would be a last resort if parents are unable to agree a way forward.

We have witnessed time and again the detrimental, and sometimes long-lasting, impact that contentious courtroom disputes among warring parents can have on children’s physical and mental well-being.

Mediation can help separating couples to find an agreed way forward in a constructive, positive manner which prioritises children’s well-being and helps the long-term interests of all those involved in the break-up.

A qualified Mediator helps couples to discuss issues confidentially and find workable agreements more quickly and cost effectively. Giving couples control over their divorce, mediation can be completed in several meetings over a few months or, in some case, weeks.

Going to court is entirely different. If separating couples are unable to reach an agreement, a judge, who doesn’t know them or their children, will decide how their financial assets will be divided. The judge – or Magistrates – will also determine how much time each parent spend with their children and that decision is legally binding.

The compulsory mediation proposal is undergoing a 12-week consultation. More information can be accessed here.

Another positive move for separating couples sees the Government extending the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme until April 2025.

Since being launched in March 2021 in response to Covid-19, over 15,000 families have benefited from the publicity funded initiative which gives them vouchers worth £500 for mediation to help resolve their disputes.

To find out if you qualify for the scheme, visit Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK (www.gov.uk).

About Nicki Mitchell

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled mediator and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki has recently further enhanced her extensive expertise by becoming a child-inclusive mediator. The accreditation enables her to who meets with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

About Jones Myers

Jones Myers is a niche, multi award-winning family law firm based in Leeds, Harrogate, and York

The practice, founded in 1992, has retained its Family Law Firm of the Year North title in the Family Law Awards across 2020-2022 for its outstanding quality of service to clients.

For over two decades the firm has been consistently ranked in a joint Top Tier position by the Legal 500 and Chambers guides alongside national practices.

The Financial Remedies Department acts for clients on divorces, pensions issues, trust work and pre-and post-nuptial agreements.

The Children’s Department delivers every aspect of public and private children law. Managing national and international issues, it specialises in private residence and contact disputes, care proceedings, adoption work, special guardianships, relocations, and education matters.

Jones Myers lawyers are acknowledged leaders in their field and include mediators, collaborative experts, and an in-house barrister.

Email: info@jonesmyers.co.uk

Locations:

York

The Quadrant, Bootham Row YO30 7BP, Tel: 01904 202550

Leeds

8 St Pauls Street, Leeds, Leeds, LS1 2LE, Tel: 0113 246 0055

Harrogate

5 Victoria Avenue, Harrogate, HG1 2PW, Tel: 01423 276104

Divorce and Finances/Divorce Law UK

How Long Does It Take to Get Divorced and Where Do I Start?

Published on April 11, 2023April 11, 2023

When considering divorce the first question people often ask themselves is “how long will it take and where do I start?”

Whilst this will most likely be one of the most stressful periods of your life, with very sensible and practical considerations, you can begin a new, and much happier chapter in your life.

In today’s article, Chris Sweetman will be answering those questions and helping you understand how to initiate divorce proceedings.

No-Fault Divorce and the impact on the divorce process

Since April 2022, the whole idea of blame has been removed from divorce. Unreasonable behaviour, length of separation and adultery are all things in the past of acrimonious divorces.

Now, the process has been made much simpler so the separating parties can focus on the most important part of the divorce, including sorting out the finances and ensuring any children are still the number one focus between separating parents.

So now blame has gone, the new process allows for both parties to agree that the marriage has broken down and apply jointly for the divorce – you can still make a solo application if you want, but the new process allows for both.

Whether you apply jointly or individually, the time scales for the divorce process is the same – which takes a minimum of 26 weeks from the date of application to the final order being granted by the court service and your marriage being formally dissolved.

What is the process for divorce?

The process starts with an application, now done online, to the HMCTS Court Service portal. The court receives the application and then issues a notice to the parties for them to acknowledge the divorce process has been commenced.

Once the court is satisfied and both parties are aware the divorce has been applied for, the case must go into a 20-week holding period before a conditional order can be applied for. The thinking behind this is to give the couple one last chance to have a period to reflect on whether they do want to finally end the marriage. In all my years of being involved with the law, I have never come across a couple who in this holding period (in the new regime or previously between Nisi and Absolute) who decide they have fallen back in love again and decide to pull out of the divorce process – but the option is there at this stage.

This 20-week period should be used to effectively sort out financial arrangements and plans for the children. In simple cases, this timetable can often be kept to, but where family finances are a little more complicated and need further investigation, the timetable may slip until all matters are fully resolved.

From experience, the newly drafted divorce process should have been firmer when changing the law last year and say this 20-week period is fixed and all divorces must be concluded within the timetable. My thinking for this is that the flexibility on this period still allows lawyers to drag their feet which only has the impact of driving up costs for clients.

My preference would have been for family finances to have been resolved and then the divorce applied for. Focus the lawyers on resolving the finances quickly and efficiently and then proceed with the divorce.

Once the 20-week period has elapsed, the parties can apply for the conditional, order of divorce which is the beginning of the end road to divorce. The conditional order is granted by the court service and then another 6-week holding period is entered into before the Final order can be applied for dissolving the marriage.

Once the Final order is issued by the court and again this can be applied for online, the marriage is over, and parties are free to get on with the rest of their lives however they wish to.

Final thoughts

So now you know the process of a divorce and the steps you need to take.

You can certainly apply for a divorce yourself – it’s a relatively straightforward process online. But what you need to do, is take some expert advice about the implications of divorce on your children and the division of your marital finances. The divorce process is simple, sorting out life’s complications’ can be more difficult.

Ensure all issues surrounding the division of finances are sorted before the Final Order for divorce is granted, as once this is granted resolving the distribution of marital assets can be more complicated.

Do not forget to talk to an independent lawyer who can provide you with expert advice on all your rights, as they can provide you with guidance on the way the law looks to distribute financial assets and how the court would look to deal with disputed plans for the children.

Most importantly, work with your ex-partner to resolve all matters as amicably as possible – as it will save both parties time, money, and heartache.

Work with your ex-partners lawyers if they have them in a collaborative way to avoid stress and conflict. And be realistic about what you want to achieve in the whole divorce process.

Click here for more articles from Fair Results

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

Letters to Linda

Letters to Linda – Dreading Christmas after Divorce

Published on November 16, 2017November 16, 2017

Linda Simpson
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

This will be the first Christmas after our divorce. Our children are worried about how it will all work. I love Christmas with them. I haven’t spoken directly to my Ex for months. We text arranging pickup of our children but have not talked. He has a girlfriend who isn’t really interested in anything to do with our family. Being altogether at Christmas is out of the question. How can I get through this holiday season?

The first time for anything after a divorce is always a challenge. The first major holiday can definitely be one of the biggest challenges if you allow it to be.

Your Ex is involved with your children so the two of you need to discuss how the holiday can work for everyone. Although you haven’t spoken, consider how you could plan the holiday via text. Is it possible? Texting is a very limited form of communication. Could you chat on the phone?

Before any interaction carefully look at options, and set the stage by stating that you both need to co-operate for the sake of the children.

Negotiate and aim for being reasonable and firm. If the discussion gets heated then agree to try again when you both have calmed down.

Your children have been through a lot this year and disagreements with your Ex should be minimized.

Take charge and make plans for the time you will have with your children. Look carefully at the family traditions and be prepared to press delete if some traditions just don’t look like they will work.

Include your children – if they are old enough- to have a say in the holiday. Find out what traditions they definitely want to keep. Do they have any new ideas? Give them some options and agree to add at least one new venture. Being pro-active will help relieve some of the anxiety toward the holiday.

In my situation we found the best way forward was to change a few traditions and add some new ones of our own. More than twenty years later I can say that it worked brilliantly to create ‘new’ in our family holiday.

We often try to include friends new and old and that has given our Christmas an added dimension. There are always people that for some reason might be alone at Christmas.

There will be alone time for you over the holiday when your children are with their father.

Plan now to alleviate the aloneness we all inevitably feel in those situations. You can visit friends or family or do something you’ve always wanted to do at Christmas but were not able to do during your marriage. It might be a show or concert, pampering –whatever your budget allows.

Consider that lots of places have community dinners. Either volunteer to help or go to one as an adventure in meeting new people. It is our choice to write a positive next chapter in life.

Holidays, at the best of times, are emotionally charged. Plan ahead, have a positive attitude and be flexible. If you can genuinely feel it will be alright your children will take your cue.

Check in with yourself, determine how you are coping and take time to recharge. When it is over, be open to assessing the events with your children.

Then begin your plans for the next holiday.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk. We will never print your name nor email.

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Coping with Divorce

Depression, Divorce and Mental Health – A Brief Overview

Published on October 16, 2017

Dr Russell Foster
Consultant Psychiatrist

Throughout life things change, unfortunately not always for the best.

While some changes are usually considered good, such as getting through the last day of school, winning the lottery or the start of the summer, life does not always go the way we want it to.

This has given rise to the notion of’ life events’, which can affect us in many different ways.

Among the more stressful life events is that of divorce, which for most people will invoke a number of thoughts, feelings and ideas, most of which are unlikely to be positive.

Indeed, divorce has myriad impacts and connotations, with a key one being its impact on those directly involved, including friends and family. Not surprisingly, divorce can result in mental health problems.

This article aims to address the following key questions, albeit in brief detail:

How can I tell if I’m depressed (symptoms) as opposed to feeling low due to my divorce? (Difference between grief and depression)?
What treatment options are there for depression and when is it advisable to see a doctor?

Stress

Divorce, like many life events is stressful, with stress being one of those terms that we all use and seem to understand, but the term does have a number of meanings and impacts, and not all stress is bad, although obviously this is somewhat subjective. Here is a definition of stress: “An uncomfortable “emotional experience accompanied by predictable biochemical, physiological and behavioral changes”. [1] It is likely that applying this definition to divorce will not result in too much disagreement, and it is clear that stress and mental disorders can and do have links.

Grief versus Depression

So, How can I tell if I’m depressed as opposed to feeling low due to my divorce? In other words, what is the difference between grief and depression?

This question is rather complex, given that what in commonly referred to grief and depression are interpreted differently by psychiatrists.

Let’s start with grief; this is a normal human reaction to certain events, namely some sort of loss.

It is associated with a range of emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions, responses and outcomes and many theories have been proposed to explain it. Like most human experiences it is perhaps better thought of as a process rather than as a single ‘thing’, and thus its impact will depend on the individual in question with different people reacting in different ways.

A key theory of grief, that was proposed by Kubler-Ross, [2] suggests that it comprises of 5 stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance).

George Bonanno, an American professor of Psychology [3] identified four ‘trajectories’ (outcomes) of grief (resilience, recovery, chronic dysfunction, delayed grief or trauma) and suggests that it is an absence of symptoms which is the desired outcome and that resilience is an innate human ability that cannot be taught.

How true this is remains subject to debate and further research.

Adjustment Disorder

There are many diagnoses in psychiatry, and the diagnosis of adjustment disorder is applied to the reaction to a stressful life event such as divorce.

Here are the diagnostic criteria for adjustment disorder according to one of the main diagnostic classification systems currently in use, the DSM-5: [4]

Emotional or behavioral symptoms develop in response to an identifiable stressor or stressors within three months of the onset of the stressor(s);
The symptoms or behaviors are clinically significant, as evidenced by one or both of the following: (a) marked distress that is out of proportion to the severity or intensity of the stressor, even when external context and cultural factors that might influence symptom severity and presentation are taken into account; and (b) significant impairment in social, occupational, or other areas of functioning;
The stress-related disturbance does not meet criteria for another mental disorder and is not merely an exacerbation of a preexisting mental disorder;
The symptoms do not represent normal bereavement;
After the termination of the stressor (or its consequences), the symptoms persist for no longer than an additional 6 months;

Additionally, six sub-types have been described in the DSM-5:

With depressed mood – characterized by symptoms of depression such as low mood, loss of motivation and reduced enjoyment of normally enjoyable activities;
With anxious mood – characterised by symptoms of anxiety such as worry, overestimation of negative possibilities, helplessness or feeling overwhelmed;
With mixed anxiety and depressed mood – characterized by symptoms of both depression and anxiety
With disturbance of conduct or behaviors that violate the rights of others or may be socially unacceptable such as binge eating, excessive drinking or drug use, outbursts of anger, efforts to punish or seek revenge on others;
With mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct presenting with a combination of emotional symptoms (such as depressive or anxious) and conduct disturbances;
Unspecified – Theses are maladaptive reactions to stress that do not fall into any other subtype;

Note that adjustment disorders are usually short-lived, do not include more severe ‘psychotic’ symptoms such as hearing voices, delusions and so forth, and also exclude other psychiatric disorders. Here it is helpful to contrast adjustment disorder with what is commonly termed depression. Most people equate depression with low mood, but is a range of other, associated symptoms, and to complicate matters there are a range of similar disorders which will not be discussed here.

Depression

Most people will be acquainted with the idea of depression, but in reality this is just a word and in mental health circles there are a wide range of descriptions of this concept.

For the sake of simplicity, only the details of what is arguably the main type of depressive presentation, termed ‘depressive episode’, will be presented, as depressive disorders, also called ‘mood’ or ‘affective’ disorders constitute a complex range of disorders. Here are the diagnostic criteria for a depressive episode: [5]

Depressed mood, loss of interest and enjoyment, and reduced energy leading to increased fatiguability and diminished activity. Marked tiredness after only slight effort is common. Other common symptoms are:

(a) reduced concentration and attention;

(b) reduced self-esteem and self-confidence;

(c) ideas of guilt and unworthiness (even in a mild type of episode);

(d) bleak and pessimistic views of the future;

(e) ideas or acts of self-harm or suicide;

(f) disturbed sleep

(g) diminished appetite.

Any lowered mood usually shows little variation from day to day, but may show variation as the day goes on. The clinical presentation shows marked individual variations, and in some cases, anxiety, distress, and motor agitation may be more prominent at times than the depression.

There may also be other features such as irritability, excessive consumption of alcohol, histrionic behaviour, exacerbation of pre-existing phobic or obsessional symptoms, or by preoccupations (of having a physical serious illness.

A duration of at least 2 weeks is usually required for diagnosis, but the diagnosis may be made with shorter durations is symptoms are especially severe and of rapid onset.

A number of other symptoms may also be present:

-loss of interest or pleasure in activities that are normally enjoyable;

-lack of emotional reactivity to normally pleasurable surroundings and events;

-waking in the morning 2 hours or more before the usual time;

-depression worse in the morning;

-objective evidence of definite psychomotor retardation or agitation (that is, undertaking activities or functioning more slowly or always being on the go) which is remarked on or reported by other people);

-marked loss of appetite;

-weight loss (often defined as 5% or more of body weight in the past month);

-marked loss of libido.

Note that these symptoms can overlap with other mental health disorders as well as physical health disorders and can be classed as mild, moderate or severe depending on several factors such as number and severity of symptoms.

Treatment of Depression

If you ask a doctor about treatments for any condition, especially one who has a good background in treatment of mental health disorders, they may well reply with the cryptic reply of Biological, Psychological and Social.

In other words, treatments are divided into three main types, which I will now explain in brief detail.

Biological Treatments

This category includes ‘physical’ treatments, which are perhaps the most commonly recognized by most people.

The mainstay of biological treatment in depression is medication, of which there are many examples, with new medications being introduced every so often. Prescribing for depression is complicated, with different medications prescribed for different presentations.

Not all people respond to medication and prescribing needs to take in a large number of individual variables. There are several classes of anti-depressants depending on their mode of action, and ant-depressants can be used for other conditions apart from depression, including some other mental health conditions as well as physical conditions such as pain and even incontinence.

Commonly used anti-depressants include:

Class	Example	Brand Name
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)	Fluoxetine	Prozac
	Citalopram	Cipramil
	Paroxetine	Seroxat
	Sertraline	Lustral
Serotonin-noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs)	Duloxetine	Cymbalta
Serotonin-noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs)	Venlafaxine	Efexor
Noradrenaline and specific serotonergic antidepressants (NASSAs)	Mirtazepine	Zispin
Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs)	Amitriptyline	Tryptizol
Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs)	Clomipramine	Anafranil

Apart from medications other biological treatments include ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy), in which a mild electric shock is given to the anaesthetised patient to induce a mild seizure and Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation therapy (TMS) in which a wand is placed over the head of the patient and electric currents are generated which are thought to stimulate specific brains areas.

Brain surgery is a final example of biological treatment, but this is extremely rarely performed and is not generally considered in the treatment of depressive disorders.

Psychological Treatments

These comprise ‘talking’ therapies, with most people understanding these as some form of ‘counselling’.

This is not quite accurate, as counselling, itself comprising several approaches, differs from the mainstay of psychological therapy, namely Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

Counselling involves talking about problems to a counselor, with the view to providing support but not advice. Rather, the aim is to assist the client in their own understanding of the problems and to gaining their own insights.

CBT aims to help by showing the interconnections between thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviours/actions with the aim of helping the client to understand these interconnections and how to change them.

It addresses current problems rather than past events and is a highly structured form of treatment that requires he individual to be motivated and committed. It entails a series of sessions, usually weekly, with ‘homework’ to apply ideas and newly acquired skills.

There are may other different types of talking therapies, but in the case of divorce it is likely counselling that would be the most commonly used first-line talking therapy.

Social treatments

Finally, social treatments need to be considered, which include having good social support, somewhere to live, food to eat, financial stability, some sort of structured activity such as work, hobbies, regular physical activity and so on.

Without these other treatments may be less effective, and the usual approach at lest in NHS mental health care is to consider all relevant aspects of an individual’s presentation so as to provide the optimal treatment that aims for long-term stability.

When to seek help

It can be difficult to know when to speak to your doctor about any sort of health problem, and often the thought of doing this is worse than the reality when and if it actually happens.

If you feel, or someone else feels, that there is a problem which is having an impact on your functioning, it is worth seeing your GP, not least for peace of mind. Your GP will then be able to advise what the next step is.

It is possible to self-refer to some mental health services such as IAPT (‘Improving Access to Psychological therapies’), and your GP can often advise re other interventions or services which may be appropriate. If in doubt speak to your GP, a trusted friend, a family member, and if necessary ask them to go with you to the GP.

Most people undergoing life events do not need to see a psychiatrist, and those that do will more often than not benefit from this. There is help and support out there, and often taking the first step to access this is the hardest…

[1] Baum A (1990) “Stress, Intrusive Imagery, and Chronic Distress” Health Psychology 6: 653-675.

[2] Kubler-Ross E (1969) On death and dying. New York: Macmillan.

[3] Bonanno GA (2004) “Loss, Trauma, and Human Resilience: Have We Underestimated the Human Capacity to Thrive After Extremely Aversive Events?” American Psychologist 59 (1): 20–8.

[4] American Psychiatric Association (2013) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition. 5th. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association; 2013.

[5] World Health Organisation (1992) ICD-10 Classifications of Mental and Behavioural Disorder: Clinical Descriptions and Diagnostic Guidelines. Geneva: World Health Organisation.

About Dr Foster

Russell is Albert Square Mediation Limited‘s consultant on medical related issues.

He is a distinguished consultant liaison psychiatrist and specialist in liver transplant psychiatry, a member of the Judiciary, Responsible Officer in a top 100 company and an acknowledged expert in his field.

He is a very widely published author and speaks a number of languages. Having lived in Canada, North Africa and Norway and travelled extensively he brings an international perspective to his career.

His experiences of working in the NHS have drawn him to the conclusion that the current adversarial models such as internal discipline proceedings and court related litigation that are often used to resolve medical related disputes are ineffective and are a massive burden on the public finances.

Apart from postgraduate qualifications in medicine, psychiatry, biochemistry, toxicology, law and others Russell also has training in workplace mediation and healthcare management.

He also has an interest in what the mediation process can offer healthcare professions in the UK. His primary role is to assist ASM in promoting its medical mediation work and where appropriate he will give informal guidance.

Outside of work he enjoys cycle training, travelling, composing music and learning new languages.

See Russell Foster’s LinkedIn profile here

Letters to Linda

Letters to Linda – Scared of Losing Friends after Divorce

Published on October 12, 2017

Dear Linda

I am worried about how my friends will react when they hear that my husband and I will be separating soon and plan to divorce. I don’t want to feel anymore alone than I already do. We’ve been married several years with a large circle of friends and I wonder what they will think. What should I do about our friends?

The decision to end a marriage is painful for everyone involved.

Life will change and one of the first challenges will be dealing with how your family and friends react to the news. There’s a good chance that your friends probably saw this coming. You will find that initially some will side with you, some will side with your partner and some will try to be neutral.

There are a few proactive ways to approach it with your friends. Be honest.

Close friends should hear the news from you directly. Oversharing can cause even more turmoil at an already stressful time so consider that when talking to them. The anger and hurt that drives those first few months can lead to saying things we later regret. Often our friends are on the front lines of those words.

As well there is sometimes a tendency to fish for information from mutual friends which puts them in a difficult place.

Try to not be too harsh with yourself concerning any missteps in the early going. These situations are all part of the process of getting to the new you.

Determine what is acceptable for you regarding mutual friends. Set your own boundaries and do what feels right for you. Can you socialize with your friends with your Ex present as an example?

Consider how you will react when you hear that friends included your former partner and not you in a social event. Some couples might find your single status intimidating and awkward. We have no control over the reactions and opinions of others.

You have started a new chapter in your life. If there was an activity you’ve wanted to pursue but were unable for any reason in your marriage, then make that a priority. New activities generally lead to meeting new people and meeting new people with similar interests often leads to making new friendships.

These new friendships will be people who only know you as the new you.

The immediate time after a separation is full of intense emotion. Friends may leave for a time and return later as your new life finds its footing and you feel a sense of normalcy again. Try to be flexible and open to those possibilities.

As you gain control of your life remember that nobody feels the emotion of the divorce as intensely as you do because you are living it. Life will eventually settle, and a circle of friends, old and new, will be formed and you will carry on into your future.

“Make the rest of your life the best of your life.”

CONTACT LINDA

If you have a problem contact Linda by emailing her at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

or if you prefer…

More Letter to Linda can be found here

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Coping with Divorce

Coping with Divorce Doesn’t Mean Starving your Heart

Published on September 15, 2017

I know its hard right now and I won’t ask you to list what is hurting you the most because honestly you may not know at this point in time or you may have too many to list.

I too had this issue so in my mindset I went in protect myself mode.

Protect myself meaning becoming someone that I’m not. I became a harsh cold woman who disliked mostly every sign of happiness that I saw.

I believed this was an act of guarding my heart from ever being hurt again, so I validated this by saying to myself “I have to do what I have to do I’m in survival mood now.”

The truth is I wasn’t guarding my heart at all. I was letting the very thing into my heart that I called myself keeping out.”

Yes I agree we must protect but we also must know that protecting our heart is not hardening our hearts to those around us.

The best example would be if you were feeding a child who seemed to not finish their food. Would you decrease the amount of food you’re placing on their plate or would you not feed them at all?

This is also true with your heart you can protect your heart by making necessary adjustments but also at the same time if you’re not careful you can starve your heart.

ABOUT CHARIS ROOKS

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again.

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

Coping with Divorce

Coping with Life after Divorce – It’s OK not to be OK

Published on August 28, 2017August 30, 2017

I remember seeing a friend post beautiful pictures of what looked to be an awesome vacation she took on Facebook.

When I called to get details she said to me “Charis it was the worst vacation ever. They lost my luggage, my room was not ready, and I ate something I was allergic to”.

After we laughed about it I got off the phone and thought wow looking at this awesome picture is such an illusion.

Then I looked at myself and said wow my life was just that an illusion.

On the outside I looked like a woman who has overcome not one but two divorces and is working and successfully getting back up on her feet.

However that wasn’t the case at all that was my illusion that I created for all to see. My ability to hide my pain grew stronger day by day. Just as my joy and healing were draining right out of my life.

The lie grew bigger and I grew more distant.

I remember feeling so out of place one day when a friend of mine said “Charis I don’t know how you can do it you are a strong woman”.

Yes in a sense I felt like I finally made it and I was that strong woman who needed no one. I had overcome with my own strength and was progressing forward on my own. Everything on the outside was looking great.

Single mother of two who lost everything now has a new home, new car, great job, enrolled back in college, making straight A’s, and yes we are even taking family vacations now. So tell me why with all of these perfect things going on in my life why was I feeling like the vacation my friend took.

It was the worst I had ever felt in my life but I appeared to be back on track and even better than ever. The best way I can describe it was like I was trapped in a sound proof box screaming but no one could hear me.

If you can relate to this I would like to ask that you to focus more on authenticity because believe it or not it is ok to not be ok. This is where you will find your strength and confidence to break through the illusion and begin to progress towards your own personal healing after divorce.

ABOUT CHARIS