coping and dealing with divorce

Coping with Divorce/Divorce Law UK/Moving On

Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?

Published on October 13, 2025October 10, 2025

James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

Let’s not sugar coat it, this question “what do I do now?” (at the moment you know you will separate) is the single most important question you will answer in this whole chapter of your life. There will be a lot of other questions that you will be coming to, but get this one right and you should be able to avoid the unreasonable positioning and exhausting demands of a slow process that will cost eye-watering amounts, to achieve to your best possible outcome.

Here are my ten top tips from helping clients through this part of their lives for the past forty-something years.

1. Ensure you are safe

Ensure your safety and the safety of your children. If there is a risk to this then it will dictate how you address the rest of these tips.

Safety at the end of a relationship is a whole topic on its own and planning for it will depend on your situation. In controlling relationships, it is likely that a whole range of strategies will have been put in place around you by your prospective ex, with the intention of making it impossible for you to go. The single most important thing is to reach the realisation that yes you are going to leave – it is then about getting the support to manage your way out of the maze. If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit. Everything follows from this.

2. Manage your emergencies

In the same way, some separations have emergencies – personal safety is the most important. Others can include:

jurisdictional races (where one of you could start proceedings in a different country, you may need to act quickly to ensure your divorce takes place where your needs and those of the children will be met favourably)
a child being taken abroad to separate them from you (child abduction)
information or assets being hidden or disposed of
your being isolated from funds.

Some of these you can address in part – or at least make easier – but many of them are going to require immediate professional help, probably from a solicitor.

The rest of the “to-dos” are subject to emergencies – sometimes you won’t have time to plan your best path, you will feel bounced around by circumstance. Just carry on trying your best, accepting where you are and planning from there.

3. Consider couple counselling

If there are no safety concerns, this is a consideration that you should not skate past. I have worked for too many people who have said their ex has come back to them some years down the road saying “I got it wrong – I don’t know what I was thinking- is there a way back for us?”. For me that points to a missed opportunity for some serious conversation around what was not working in the relationship and each person’s capacity for change. Of course, the result may still be that you decide to separate, but talking things through a counsellor is also likely to reassure and make for better progress if you do decide to part.

4. Be kind if you can

So often, perhaps when people come to me midway through, they seem to be in a terrible situation, which they are finding hard to understand. There might be brutality around disclosure or how the finances are being managed for the interim or how arrangements are being set around the children. It is all a bit destructive and aimless, which is a surprise as they’re decent people. So, what went wrong? Well usually it is about how things started.

Actions like deception and adultery matter (see my blog here on this very point) – perhaps not to the professionals who know the courts don’t care, but they really matter to the person being deceived and to their kids when they find out. Brutal and sharp separations are like throwing a huge slab of concrete into a small pond – the splash and ripples are going to play havoc for a while and in unexpected ways. Stepping out slowly and gently with empathy respect and understanding, can help everyone get through to the smart choices more quickly.

5. Start early

It follows that planning and starting early is usually a positive too, you can pace things more calmly. You don’t find yourself suddenly desperate that it all has to be sorted by the weekend. (That “I have just had it up to here” moment). It also means that you are less likely to be bounced into the “well I am leaving you” discussion at the worst of times in the heat of an argument. These things are going to be tough and thinking about how to do it in the best way, in the calm, will pay dividends.

6. Get support

All of that is going to point towards you getting individual support. So many people say “I don’t need that fluffy stuff …” or “we are not getting back together”. But that is not what this is about. It is about understanding where your ex is and what they are going through. It is about helping you to think of this from their side to be able to move things on in the best way possible. It is tough. It is practical. It is also short term and goal-oriented.

Find the right support and you will be challenged to do this well, but also supported to do so. That’s why I recommend that you get professional support – not just support from your mates or family:

This is the other response to my recommendation of professional expertise is “well I am talking to my friends.” The problem with relying solely on friends and family is that:

They care too much and as such, are likely to operate like an echo chamber for you: they want to be supportive and are likely to tell you what they think you want to hear – which is not always what you need to hear
They may bring their own unresolved personal issues to the conversation and that is not helpful
They don’t have the training to help you process everything in a constructive way
Their advice is likely to be on the hoof, quick answers without the depth of consideration that is really needed
You may find yourself managing your choices to keep them satisfied.

Without meaning to cast aspersions on your inner circle, you are also sharing confidences with them which may well be shared with others.

I could go on but in essence, therapists are likely to be the most valuable in monetary terms. Find the right one and use them.

7. Think and write

So you know you are going to need to get some advice and guidance (how else are you going to have the anchor of knowing your rights and obligations – how else would you recognise a good deal?). Lawyers charge by time and will read a well-organised briefing way quicker than they can ask questions and you answer them. Many firms will have an information gatherer on their website. If you want to get the most from your time with a lawyer and keep costs time, you would prepare:

A balance sheet of where you are now:
- who is in the family and who are the relatives and important other people in your lives
- all the dates and details that are going to be needed such as when the relationship started, was formalised and ended
- and yes those financial numbers all pinned down so far as known.
- In addition there will be descriptions of what is going on – what everyone is like; how are your children doing, pictures etc.
An account of how you got here this is likely to take in your families of origin, education, careers, first homes, challenges and so on
And then the quick fire document for a first call: The super brief summary and a clear vision of what you want and what you think are the hurdles to getting there.

Indeed sometimes I think that this last piece of knowing what you are needing is the single most important piece of work that will be in your briefing for the next step.

8. Find the right professional

This can feel like a minefield. There are directories ranking legal professionals, but they may not be your best starting point. What you are likely to want is that skilled professional whom you trust because they get you and their values resonate with yours, simple as that.

When you are researching there will be lots of focus on who does what process and your head can spin with the terms likely to be coming at you: negotiation/ collaborative/ co-operative/ one lawyer/ together/ amicable/ litigation/ mediation/ child inclusion/ hybrid/ integrative, but that shouldn’t be your worry: Your job is to be clear about your needs (those hurdles you identified at stage 7), not the process (which is what the professional brings to accommodate them). It is the professional’s job to show that they have heard you and to explain their recommendation. If you are convinced, you have the start of your plan. If you are not then say so – if you are not heard, you may not be in the right room so think about moving on now.

It is why you might do well to choose a professional who is serious about all the different ways of doing things – it will ensure you are presented with all the options. Many lawyers will only have one qualification, permitting them to negotiate your case with the court as a fall back and the court is the last place most people want to end up. If your lawyer doesn’t know, isn’t familiar with and doesn’t use collaborative, mediation or arbitration then just have in mind that these ways that might suit you better will probably not be on the menu for discussion.

9. Be brave …ish

Sitting down to talk with your ex may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, and of course you shouldn’t compromise safety, but for most people, a professionally assisted conversation with a neutral person (likely to be in mediation – but potentially “one lawyer”) is likely to be the fast route to finding the best solution. Your ex is likely to have a view of what they think the outcome should be and they are going to hang onto it until you can show that you have heard them. It is much harder to do this if your discussion is via letters and emails being fired between lawyers from their respective trenches a seeming “safe” distance away from each other.

The right mediator will help you both to manage a safe and productive conversation even in difficult situations. There would be an assessment and intake process (called “a MIAM”, standing for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) when you can gather an understanding of what mediation would be like and talk through whether it is for you. In fact, you are required in most situations to have this meeting even if you wanted ultimately to go to court and I would encourage you to enter this meeting with an open mind as there is a lot of flexibility in mediation and other processes which may mean they are better for you.

10. Think kids

So obvious you may say it didn’t need saying. Where you have children, they are likely to be the lens through which all of this is viewed, you will consider your children:

when you take steps to start
in how you manage the relationship with your ex (because you are usually going to be co-parenting long term so you will not want to lay waste to how you talk to each other)
in the choices you make (for example the geography of your homes and family-friendly career-choices)
in the timing of any new relationship
in how you work out care and decision making: your children are part of each of you, they need safe arrangements to have a relationship with each of you if possible – and ideally each of you supporting the other to be the best parent you can be.

There is a lot to consider and it is all too easy to delay. But whether this relationship is your future or not is for you to decide and in your heart you will know the answer to that (especially if you have been through tip 3).

If this relationship is not working and can’t be made to work, it is unlikely to be the best example of “adult relationships” for your kids, but beyond this, please don’t become that person I see so regularly who says “now I know about it all, I should have done this a decade ago, it would have been better for everyone.”

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law. He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce. He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.

Children of Divorce/Coping with Divorce/Your Emotions

Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting: Why You Shouldn’t Rush Up a Mountain

Published on October 10, 2025October 8, 2025

Jimi Odell
Content manager
OnePlusOne

Between the day you decide to separate and the day you finally feel settled in your new co-parenting life, there is a mountain to climb. It can be daunting and you may not feel ready to take that first step but, when children are involved, you know you’re going to have to start climbing at some point.

Emotional readiness is a key factor in how well you’ll fare on your climb. During a separation, your emotional wellbeing can take a big hit, and it’s normal to experience a range of strong emotions. If you stumble into making co-parenting arrangements while these emotions are still running wild, it can be like trying to climb with no pack, no plan, and no shoes on your feet.

It’s a different mountain for everyone, so nobody can tell you exactly which path to follow, or how long it’s going to take. Some will find it’s a steady climb with their ex-partner alongside them, and others may find themselves exhausted at base camp wondering where their ex has got to. But, even though nobody has climbed your mountain before, lots of people have climbed mountains – you can learn from their experiences, and even borrow their tools.

Emotional readiness is your ability to make effective co-parenting arrangements and handle disagreements with your ex-partner (Barlow et al., 2014).

A separation is a life-changing event and it’s very common to be dealing with a jumble of emotions that may include any combination of shame, guilt, anxiety, bitterness, anger, frustration, and more. There’s often a sense of failure or loss as you reshape your vision of the future and your understanding of the relationship. There are often positive emotions in the mix too – you may have a strong sense of relief or even hope for the future, and these can also affect the way you approach decisions.

Whatever you’re going through, all of these emotions can affect your judgement and your ability to make long-term practical decisions. At a time when you’re trying to figure out where you and your ex will live, and making important decisions about how your children will split their time, emotional readiness plays a huge part.

Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting

When you are emotionally ready, you will be more likely to find a way through to making amicable agreements with your ex-partner. If you’re not emotionally ready, you may need support with things like communication to help you get through the next phase. Trying to make big decisions when you are not emotionally ready can actually make things worse in the long term, so it’s important to give yourself space to adjust (Barlow et al 2014).

You may find that it gets easier in time, but if you’ve already locked in your co-parenting arrangements, it can be difficult to go back and change things. Consider where you’re at right now, and where your ex-partner might be at, and try to factor that into how you make those arrangements.

If you’re still feeling a lot of strong emotions, it might be better to make short- or medium-term arrangements for now, with a plan to reconvene when you are both feeling more settled. Having a written parenting plan can help you manage this, especially if you build in an agreement to review your plans and adjust them based on how they’ve been working. You might want to choose a time frame for this – say, three or six months, depending on what feels right for your family.

Emotional adjustment happens at different speeds for different people. As you climb your own personal mountain, it’s likely you’ll find that you and your ex don’t reach the summit at the same time. You may take completely different routes to get there.

A big part of this comes down to which of you initiated the separation. If it was your idea to separate, you’ll have had much longer than your ex to get used to the idea. You’ve probably been making plans in the back of your mind for a while. If, on the other hand, it was your ex-partner’s idea to separate, you might still be in shock at the sudden change, with no idea about what you’re going to do next. It’ll take some time to accept things before you can even begin to make plans.

Whichever side of the mountain you’re on, try to be considerate to the idea that you and your ex-partner are having different experiences. You may need to be patient while your ex catches up, or accept that your ex is further along in the journey than you.

Measuring Emotional Readiness

You might already have a sense of your own emotional readiness, just based on how you feel, but there is an accurate and scientific way of measuring it. In 2020, a team of researchers published their findings about a test called the Emotional Adaptation to Relationship Dissolution Assessment (or EARDA for short). The ten-question test takes a measure of how you’re feeling in ten key emotional areas (Millings et al. 2020):

Shame
Guilt
Relief
Anxiety
Loss
Anger
Resentment
Frustration
Failure
Hope

Even just taking this test can be a useful process to help you reflect on how you are doing now, and whether anything is starting to shift. You can find this tool on OnePlusOne’s free co-parenting app, Separating better along with lots of support on how to deal with difficult emotions, talking to children, housing, finance, and more. There’s also a free parenting plan and a video course to help you work on your communication skills so that you can start to improve your emotional readiness.

Think of it as a set of climbing tools that you can put in your pocket and look at any time you feel stuck on the side of the mountain. The app is available for free at least until the end of January 2026.

About Jimi Odell

Jimi Odell is a writer who has specialised in parenting and relationships for over 15 years. He has worked with the charity OnePlusOne since 2014, creating evidence-based support and interventions to help people get on better. He is one of the creators behind the Separating better co-parenting app, a one-stop shop for separating parents which includes Behaviour Modelling Training videos to help co-parents learn conflict resolution and positive communication skills.

Children of Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

“They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth

Published on October 3, 2025August 22, 2025

Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried.

As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realise how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I looked like I was fine. Inside, I was just surviving.

In my twenties, my mom gently pointed out that I seemed to overreact to little things. She was right. I felt edgy, overwhelmed, and ashamed of how easily I snapped. I had no idea what was going on with me. Was it my parents’ divorce and conflict? My father’s and stepmother’s toxic behavior toward my mom and me, and their need for control? Had this unstable and neglectful environment affected me so much? Yes, apparently it had.

But here’s the thing: children don’t always show the effects of divorce right away. On the outside, I looked like I was managing. I went to school, had friends, did what I was “supposed” to do. I even made it to university, earned my first degree, and completed a post-grad programme.

That’s what adults often see as resilience in kids during divorce: a child carrying on, coping, adapting. What’s harder to see is the cost of that coping.

My story isn’t unique. Many children of divorce appear to be “fine” while silently carrying pain that surfaces years later. And that’s why I want to pause on the phrase we all hear, and sometimes even say ourselves: “Kids are resilient.”

Therapy and Understanding

Four and a half years of therapy later, I began to understand myself better. I wasn’t just “reactive.” I was having trauma responses. My nervous system had learned to survive chaos, and all the emotions I had stuffed away were finally demanding to be felt.

That’s what unresolved childhood pain and anxiety look like. It doesn’t always surface immediately; it comes out later in our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships.

And yet, through it all, I kept hearing the same refrain: “They’ll be fine. Kids bounce back”.

The truth? Resilience doesn’t mean untouched. It doesn’t mean unaffected. It means that for some children, they survive, but survival can carry invisible scars that take years to heal.

Why We Say It

If you’re a parent going through a separation or divorce, especially a high-conflict one, you’ve probably said it too: “ the kids will be okay,” or you really hope they will be.

It slips out almost automatically, a way to calm the fear of not knowing how deeply this might be affecting your child. We don’t always say it because it’s true. We say it because we need it to be.

And those messages don’t just come from inside us. They echo all around us, through friends, family, teachers, even strangers:

“They’ll adjust.”
“Kids are tough.”
“My cousin’s kids turned out fine.”

Society, too, is uneasy with grief, conflict, and uncertainty. It feels safer to lean on comforting shortcuts than to sit with the reality that children might be struggling. That’s why “Kids are resilient” becomes our shield.

A Psychological Shortcut

When I was studying for my thanatology degree, I learned about Terror Management Theory (TMT), sometimes explained more simply as the Anxiety Buffer Theory. The core idea is this: when painful truths feel unbearable, our minds cling to beliefs that make the world feel less threatening.

Take divorce, for example. Parents often reassure themselves with, “They’ll adjust.” And while it’s true that children can adapt, this belief often functions as a protective shield for the parent. It eases guilt, fear, and shame about the impact divorce may have on their kids. The danger is that it can keep us from seeing what children really need: emotional safety, reassurance, and consistent support.

We do this in other areas of life, too. Imagine hearing that a neighbour has been diagnosed with lung cancer. A common first response is, “Were they a smoker?” If the answer is yes, it reduces our anxiety; we can tell ourselves the illness was linked to a choice, which makes us feel safer. But if the answer is no, the truth feels scarier, because it reminds us that illness can strike anyone, even without warning.

What If They’re Not Fine?

Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, does affect children. It touches:

Their nervous system
Their sense of safety
Their ability to trust
Their beliefs about love and conflict

Not every child shows it right away. Some hold it together because they think that’s their role. But holding it in doesn’t mean they’re okay.

Resilience isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s built through emotional safety, consistency, validation, and supportive relationships.

What Children Need

If you’re navigating divorce, here’s how to support real resilience:

Emotional Safety: Let them feel all their emotions, anger, sadness, relief, without trying to fix them.
Consistency: Keep routines where you can. Predictability is grounding.
Honest Reassurance: Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them they’re loved. Explain what will stay the same.
Permission to Love Both Parents (if safe): Kids should never feel like they have to choose sides.
Therapeutic Support: Even short-term counseling can give children tools and language to process what’s happening.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up, reflect, and let them know it’s safe to be real with you.

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

Parents usually don’t say it to dismiss their kids. They say it to survive their pain. The alternative, that our choices or circumstances might hurt our children, is heavy. But pain doesn’t vanish when we deny it. It resurfaces later, often in ways we don’t expect.

My mom probably didn’t know. It was the 1970s, and back then, people assumed divorce was just between the adults and that kids would simply bounce back. She did her best with what she had, and I hold a lot of compassion for what she went through without much support.

But today, we know better. The effects are real. It’s time to let go of the shortcut phrases, “kids are resilient,” “they’ll bounce back,” as ways to comfort ourselves. Research is clear: resilience isn’t automatic. Children don’t just bounce back from divorce, especially in high-conflict situations. Resilience has to be nurtured through emotional safety, consistency, and support.

The hopeful part? Research also shows that most children can and do turn out well when they have even one supportive parent who shows up consistently and provides a secure base. One safe, steady relationship can be enough to anchor them and foster resilience.

Children deserve more than survival; they deserve healing. Resilience isn’t something they magically possess. It’s something we help them build. And the first step is awareness: not assuming they’ll be fine, but committing to helping them become so.

References

Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 29, 61–139.
https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60016-9
Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227

Disclaimer: This blog reflects my personal experiences and research. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you or your children are struggling during or after divorce, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for support.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Children of Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions

Published on September 26, 2025August 18, 2025

Mental health expert Noel McDermott examines what our children need through periods of transition; it’s first important to understand what we mean psychologically by a transition. A transition isn’t just a change of something, it is a change that requires an emotional adjustment. To some extent this type of change, a transition, is mediated by age and experience, but there are also some types of change that require an insight into transition, or adjustment needs, for all of us and especially kids. Transition needs affect humans in general and are linked to deep needs we have connected to survival mechanisms. These transition issues generally fall into 3 categories often called central life circumstances:

Home – place of safety and survival
Love relations – family, close friends, romantic partner
Work – meaningful productive activity that is social and has survival outcomes (school, workplace, university)

Changes to these areas will likely produce transitional phenomena which are behavioural and emotional disturbances that might see A) a reversion to previous coping mechanisms (regression) or B) the development of new coping mechanisms (adaptations.) Typically coping mechanisms are designed to manage distress and some will be fine and some might be upsetting or even destructive. Types of coping mechanisms or soothing mechanisms in younger kids that we accept as normal might be:

Being clinging
Being grizzly emotionally
Thumb sucking, return to pacifier
Holding on to ‘blankie’

If age appropriate we don’t notice these and assume correctly they will grow out of it, but when they are a little older and we see these behaviours suddenly emerge again, which they can and do through transitions, we might get worried. But, regression is normal when the three central life circumstances are affected as are adaptions. The key question is are they doing something to help? Adaptations in particular may be unhelpful or what we call ‘maladaptive’. Examples might be aggression, self harming, substance misuse, excessive drinking. These might seem extreme but often they might emerge over time. More subtle forms of expressing distress in children in particular would be sleep disturbances, changes on mood, appetite, withdrawal etc.

The question is how do we reduce the risk of disturbance during transition and when it does emerge help our kids and ourselves manage it? These are some key ideas to utilise:

Normalisation – knowing and accepting that transitions can be upsetting allows us to normalise and explain to ourselves and our children what is happening. Often it’s the magnification or catastrophising of the behaviours that is the problem. When we can say, ‘oh this is normal’ during times of change we can manage things better

PPP – plan, prepare and practice. Plan: If you know the change is coming discuss it before it happens, if it’s a big change start the discussions early, some months before. Prepare: Get folk on board with organising the practicalities which facilitates normalisation, discussion and empowerment. Practice: If say moving home, go visit the new place or area. Stay there if possible for a night or two before moving etc. Build an emotional ‘on ramp’ that allows the reality of the change to be grown into, as opposed to an emotional cliff edge where you all fall off and smash into the rocks of the new reality below

Increase soothing and support for all before during and after the change. More movie nights on the sofa, more self care, more massages, more spa days, more friends and fun, more family meets and openness about feelings, tell the school, work and all support networks about the transition and ask for understanding

Refocus on the four corners of health and wellbeing:

Nutrition (hydration) – eat well and regularly (in between the movie night binges of course!)
Sleep and rest regularly
Get moving and exercise
Manage stress with relaxation, massage, meditation

Often adapting these approaches will not only take the sting out, but it will also mean you have no discernible negative transition issues. Or if you do have them, they are less intense and of shorter duration. If there is a history in your children or yourself of mental health issues, eating disorders, addiction etc then it is super important to focus on support and also developing individual plans for those involved around relapse prevention; for example should a mental health professional be brought in to help, should medication be used prophylactically to reduce the risk of relapse?

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

Well-being/Your Emotions

World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early

Published on September 10, 2025September 8, 2025

Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

Why Relationship Breakdown Magnifies Suicide Risk

A relationship ending is not a minor life event. It represents the loss of an attachment bond, and that loss can have profound consequences for psychological and physical wellbeing. Many people who function well in other areas of life describe feeling destabilised after separation or divorce. They often report fragmented sleep, inconsistent appetite, and difficulty concentrating. These reactions are not signs of weakness; they are normal physiological responses to the removal of an important source of stability. ¹ ²

Research supports this clinical reality. A large systematic review published in 2025 examined more than 100 million men across 30 countries and identified relationship breakdown as a consistent risk factor for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and deaths. The risk was especially pronounced in separated and divorced men. ³ ⁴ ⁵ ⁶ While this effect is most visible in men, women are by no means immune. The critical point is that the sudden loss of relational security creates vulnerability for anyone. Clinically, we observe a common pattern across genders: periods of agitation or heightened anxiety alternating with detachment or emotional numbness. ¹ ²

Neuroscience provides an explanation. Our nervous system relies on close relationships to regulate stress responses. When a relationship ends, the cues that maintained regulation, shared routines, presence, reassurance, are abruptly removed. ⁷ ⁸ This disorganisation can leave people feeling erratic, disoriented, and unable to manage tasks that previously felt simple. ⁹

How Suicidal Ideation Can Form After A Breakup

There are well-established psychological models that help us to understand the pathway from relational loss to suicidal risk.

The Interpersonal Theory of Suicide describes how risk increases when people experience both a loss of belonging and a sense of burdensomeness, particularly when combined with exposure to pain or a reduced fear of death. After a breakup, it is common for both belonging and self-worth to be undermined simultaneously. ¹⁰

The Integrated Motivational–Volitional (IMV) Model highlights how feelings of defeat and entrapment may give rise to suicidal thoughts, and how factors such as access to means or impulsivity determine whether those thoughts progress to action. ¹¹

Clinical practice also tells us that people struggle with the brain’s intolerance of uncertainty. After separation, individuals frequently describe compulsive cycles of rumination, the neurocognitive drive to resolve unfinished business which involves frequent replaying of conversations, messages, or imagined scenarios in an attempt to make sense of what happened. ¹² ¹³ This is not a character flaw; it reflects the mind’s effort to close unresolved loops.

In some cases, this process extends to an almost mythic weight placed on “final notes” or explanations. ¹⁴ Lee says “ultimately when rumination cannot close the loop, people may elevate the idea of a definitive explanation, farewell, or “final note” into something larger than life. It becomes mythic in the sense that it carries disproportionate symbolic importance, a perceived way to bring closure to unbearable uncertainty.”

We also know from the Polyvagal Theory that when attachment bonds rupture, the nervous system may lose access to its calm, socially engaged state. Instead, it can shift into patterns of fight, flight, or shutdown. ¹⁵ Recognising these biological processes helps us to treat them with compassion rather than judgement.

The Red Flags: What To Watch For After A Relationship Ends

Established public health guidance lists a number of clear warning signs for suicide, including talking about wanting to die, feeling trapped or being a burden, marked increases in substance use, agitation or rage, social withdrawal, disrupted sleep, dramatic mood swings, searching for methods, or making specific plans. ¹⁶ ¹⁷

Following a breakup, there are additional indicators to watch for:

Somatic dysregulation, such as restless sleep, exhaustion, and difficulty thinking clearly. ¹⁸
Avoidance of tasks that confirm the new reality, for example unopened letters or ignored legal documents, combined with intense responses to everyday reminders. ¹⁹ ²⁰
Fluctuations between anxiety and numbness, often appearing outwardly functional while internally overwhelmed. ²¹ ²²
Self-blame and shame loops, even when the relationship itself was harmful. ²³

Escalating risk can be seen in behaviours such as acquiring means, rehearsing farewells, giving away possessions, or displaying a sudden calm after a period of turmoil. ¹⁷ Restricting access to lethal means remains the single most effective intervention for preventing suicide. ²⁴ ²⁵ ²⁶

What The Person Is Most Often Worried About

The common concerns that drive suicidal thinking after relationship breakdown include:

Loss of belonging and identity, a destabilising sense of “Who am I now?” ²⁷
Entrapment and defeat, feeling caught in conflict, legal battles, or social disapproval, with no clear escape. ¹¹
Perceived burdensomeness, believing that one’s continued existence causes harm to others. ¹⁰
Compulsive rumination, replaying events in a search for closure. ¹²
Invisible grief, appearing outwardly resilient while feeling privately overwhelmed. ²⁸

A Practical Response Plan

Ask directly. It is safe and appropriate to use clear language: “Are you thinking about suicide?” If the answer is yes, remain with the person, limit access to means, and escalate to professional or emergency support. ²⁴ ²⁵
Remove access to means. Secure medications, sharp objects, or other potential methods, and avoid high-risk locations. ²⁶
Support regulation before reflection. When the nervous system is in distress, insight is limited. Encourage grounding through breathing, movement, or quiet companionship. ⁹ ¹⁵
Introduce routine and ritual. Even small rituals, such as daily check-ins or shared meals, provide stability and meaning that support recovery. ²⁹
Create a written safety plan. This should include supportive people to contact, safe places to go, regulating activities, steps to reduce access to means, and scheduled professional appointments.
Listen for language of hopelessness or burdensomeness. Phrases such as “There is no way out” or “I am a problem for everyone” require immediate attention. ¹⁰ ¹¹

For Friends And Family

Supporting someone after a breakup requires patience, steadiness, and clarity. A practical approach might include:

Observing and naming changes without judgement.
Asking directly about suicidal thoughts.
Offering calm companionship, such as sitting or walking together. ¹⁵Taking steps to reduce access to means. ²⁶
Involving an additional trusted person.
Establishing small rituals of contact, such as daily check-ins. ²⁹
Following up consistently.

Understanding and Supporting Recovery

When someone is struggling after a breakup, it helps to remember that their reactions are biological survival responses rather than signs of weakness. ³⁰ “Feelings of panic, exhaustion, or hopelessness are the body’s way of responding to a profound loss” says Lee. “It’s important to understand that suicidal thoughts can often follow a pathway: first, the sense of overwhelming defeat or entrapment, and then the possibility of acting on those feelings if access to means is easy or rehearsed.” ¹¹ Recognising this pathway allows us to step in early.

Supporting someone also means helping them manage rumination, those cycles of replaying events and searching for explanations, by encouraging grounding techniques or limiting the time spent in these thoughts. ¹² Families and friends can also play a critical role in safety by reducing access to potential means of harm and creating safer environments. ²⁵ ²⁶

Finally, when a suicide does occur in a community, the way we respond matters. Structured support, open conversation, and ongoing contact reduce the risk of further harm for those left behind. ³¹

Changing The Narrative

The theme of World Suicide Prevention Day is “Changing the Narrative.” In this context, changing the narrative means moving away from minimising the impact of relationship loss and recognising it as a significant clinical risk factor.

The facts are clear:

Relationship breakdown places anyone at risk, with particularly high vulnerability for men. ³ ⁵
Warning signs are usually visible if we take the time to look and ask. ¹⁶
The progression from suicidal thought to action is preventable, especially when means safety and social support are in place. ²⁴ ²⁵

Our individual responsibility is to combine practical measures with compassion. Survivors of relationship breakdown are not “broken;” they are people carrying more than their nervous system can manage in that moment. With appropriate support, co-regulation, and steady engagement, recovery is possible. ³² ³³

Lee comments: “On this World Suicide Prevention Day, I would encourage you to remain attentive to those around you. If you are struggling, reach out. If you see someone else struggling, lean in. I firmly believe that presence and action can change the course of a life”.

References

Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Corsi, M. et al. “Relationship breakdown and suicide risk in men: A systematic review.” BMC Psychiatry. 2025.
Scourfield, J. et al. “Separation and divorce as suicide risk factors.” Journal of Affective Disorders. 2024.
Schaan, V.K. et al. “Divorce, separation and suicide mortality: A population-level study.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2023.
Kposowa, A. “Divorce and suicide risk: A global perspective.” Social Science & Medicine. 2022.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 2, Nervous System Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 3, Somatic Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 13, Regulation Before Reflection. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Joiner, T. Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press, 2005.
O’Connor, R.C. The Integrated Motivational–Volitional Model of Suicidal Behaviour. Routledge, 2011.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 5, Open Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 6, Final Notes. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Porges, S.W. The Polyvagal Theory. Norton, 2011.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Suicide Warning Signs and Symptoms. 2024.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Risk Factors and Warning Signs. 2024.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 4, Somatic Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 6, Daily Avoidance. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 7, Environmental Triggers. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 8, Oscillation States. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 9, Numbness. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 3, Shame Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
World Health Organization. Suicide Prevention: Restricting Access to Means. WHO, 2024.
Pirkis, J. et al. “The effectiveness of structural interventions at suicide hotspots.” Crisis. 2019.
Zalsman, G. et al. “Means restriction for suicide prevention.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2016.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 10, Identity Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 12, Hidden Grief. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 14, Rituals of Recovery. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 15, Normalising Biology. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 7, Postvention. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Foreword. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Conclusion, Healing is Regulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

Coping with Divorce/Moving On

Why You Need a Divorce Team, Not Just a Lawyer

Published on September 3, 2025

chloe-o-contributor — Chloe O.
Alternative Dispute Resolution professional and Certified Divorce Coach
The Divorce and Separation Coach

When people think about divorce, the first professional who comes to mind is usually a lawyer. That is natural, since divorce has an important legal dimension. But relying on one person to guide you through every aspect of divorce is a common mistake.

I made this mistake myself. During my divorce, my “team” consisted of my lawyer and my parents. I did not know that other professionals could support me. As a result, I agreed to financial arrangements without understanding their long-term consequences. Over time, they proved unsustainable and led to repeated renegotiations, which caused unnecessary conflict.

Divorce affects your finances, your emotional wellbeing, your children, and your long-term future. My experience taught me (the hard way!) that no single professional can provide expert support in all these areas. That is why building a divorce team is one of the most important steps you can take.

Avoiding the “one-person trap”

Money is often the greatest concern when people are separating. Many hesitate to hire more than one professional, worried about costs. Yet the unintended consequence is that they lean on their lawyer for everything: financial advice, emotional support, and sometimes even parenting guidance. This is not only expensive, but also ineffective.

Think of it like surgery on your back. You would need a surgeon, of course, but also a nurse, an anaesthetist, and afterwards a physiotherapist to get you back on your feet. Divorce is no different. You need different professionals working together to ensure every aspect is handled properly: a lawyer for legal advice, a financial adviser for money matters, a divorce coach to help you make the right decisions every step of the way, and emotional support to keep you grounded.

The professionals to consider

A divorce team does not look the same for everyone. The right mix of professionals will depend on your situation. Here are some of the key roles:

Lawyer – Advises on your legal rights, prepares divorce documentation, and, if necessary, represents you in court. Some lawyers specialise in areas such as high net worth cases, domestic abuse, or international divorce. Even in countries where a lawyer is not legally required, it is still wise to consult one to ensure your agreement is solid.
Family mediator – Works with both partners to negotiate terms, from property division to parenting arrangements. A mediator is impartial and helps keep discussions constructive.
Divorce coach – Helps you focus on your future goals, make clear decisions, and approach negotiations with confidence. A coach also provides practical guidance and emotional steadiness.
Therapist – Supports you in understanding what went wrong in the relationship, addressing trauma, and maintaining mental health.
Financial adviser – Reviews your assets, debts, and income, models long-term implications of settlement proposals, and helps you plan for financial stability after divorce.

While one person may cover two roles, expecting them to manage everything leaves serious gaps.

Choosing the right lawyer

Selecting the right lawyer is one of the most important decisions you will make. Too often people choose based only on price or convenience. One client of mine instructed a lawyer because he was “cheap”. Fifteen months later, she had spent tens of thousands of pounds with no progress and little trust in his advice. She eventually changed lawyers and finally moved forward.

When choosing a lawyer, consider:

Do they have experience with your type of case?
How do they communicate and how quickly will they respond?
Will your case be handled by them personally or mostly by a junior associate?
What is their approach to resolving disputes out of court?
Can they give you realistic visibility of likely legal costs?

If your divorce involves more than one country, you will also need someone with expertise in international divorce. Look for a lawyer who understands both jurisdictions, speaks your language, and has a network of international advisers, such as tax specialists and immigration lawyers.

How to build your divorce team

A simple exercise can help you identify where you need support. Picture a five-pointed star, with each point representing one area of support: legal, financial, emotional, practical, and personal. Write down the person or professional covering each area. One person can cover two—but no more. If you see gaps, you will know where to add expertise.

This keeps your support balanced and prevents overloading one professional or family member. Your aim is to create a well-rounded team that can carry you through divorce and beyond.

Final thoughts

Divorce is one of life’s most complex transitions. Going through it with only one professional is like attempting surgery with only a surgeon and no nurse or anaesthetist—it is simply not enough. By building a divorce team, you ensure that every dimension—legal, financial, emotional, and practical—is addressed properly.

It may feel like a bigger investment at the start, but a coordinated divorce team saves time, money, and stress in the long run. More importantly, it helps you build a stronger foundation for the next chapter of your life.

About Chloe O.

“My name is Chloe O., I am an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) professional and a Certified Divorce Coach. I specialise in working with women to help them reduce conflict during and after divorce by improving their negotiation and communication skills with their spouse. The objective is to work towards an amicable divorce outcome in order to minimise the emotional and financial cost of divorce. I work with all types of clients but I have extensive experience in supporting expatriates and international families who are dealing with the unique situation of living abroad during and after their divorce, with limited local family support, language barriers and relocation considerations.”

For more information about my work and services (including my Podcasts, newsletter, myth-buster videos…), you can visit my website and/or follow me on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.

Children of Divorce/Divorce News/Family Mediation/No Fault Divorce UK/Step-Parenting/Well-being

Help Shape the Future of Support for Separated Families

Published on August 1, 2025

Dr Soila Sindiyo
Counselling Psychologist and Founding Editor of The Divorce Magazine

We’ve been contacted by Dr Sarah Foley, Lecturer in Developmental Psychology at the University of Edinburgh, about an exciting new research project exploring parenting after divorce or separation.

The Parenting After Divorce or Separation Study aims to better understand family life and children’s wellbeing in different post-separation child arrangements, particularly in families who have not gone through the court system.

This research will help inform future support for separated parents and their children, filling an important gap in what we know about post-separation family experiences.

Who Can Take Part?

The research team is looking to hear from parents who:

Have children aged 4–8
Live in Scotland or England
Are comfortable taking part in English
Have been separated for at least six months
Have regular contact with their child
Do not have a court-ordered child arrangement

What’s Involved?

If you take part, you’ll be asked to:

Join a confidential online interview and complete a survey
Optionally involve your child in child-friendly storytelling or game-based activities

(These are completely optional and designed to be fun and engaging for children)

Participation is entirely voluntary and confidential.

How to Get Involved

If you meet the criteria above, or know someone who does, you can learn more and register your interest here.

For questions about the study, you can contact Dr Sarah Foley directly at:
sarah.foley@ed.ac.uk

We’ll be sharing the findings of this important research once the study is complete. By taking part, you’ll be helping to build a deeper understanding of how separated families live, parent, and thrive, and how support can be improved in the future.

Well-being/Your Emotions

The Hidden Toll of Divorce on Men: Mental Health and Behavioural Outcomes

Published on July 23, 2025July 22, 2025

“Divorce is often perceived as a legal or relational event, but its impact runs far deeper, especially for men. While societal narratives tend to focus on the emotional struggles’ women face, it is increasingly clear that men also endure significant psychological upheaval¹. As a clinician working across Thailand and Europe, I have witnessed firsthand how divorce can profoundly affect men’s mental health and behaviour, often in ways that are misunderstood or overlooked.

In this article, I aim to shed light on how men are affected by divorce, how it influences their mental wellbeing, and the behavioural patterns that may emerge as a result. Understanding these dynamics is vital for fostering support systems that can facilitate healing and resilience.

The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Men

Men often internalise their emotional pain in ways that can be invisible to others². Societally conditioned to embody strength, stoicism, and self-reliance, many men feel compelled to hide their vulnerabilities. From my clinical experience, I’ve observed that beneath this façade, men often experience intense feelings of grief, loss, and confusion.

A common theme I encounter is the disorientation that follows the dissolution of a marriage. Men frequently describe waking up feeling as if they are strangers in their own lives, disconnected from their usual routines, roles, and aspirations. This loss of identity, particularly when their self-worth is tied to their roles as providers or protectors, can be deeply destabilising³.

In my professional observations, the sense of a fractured future and shattered plans leaves many men feeling unmoored. They may experience a profound sense of loneliness and question their purpose, which can lead to a cascade of emotional and psychological challenges⁴.

Impact on Mental Health

The mental health consequences of divorce for men can be severe. Common symptoms include depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and somatic complaints such as headaches, fatigue, or muscle tension⁵. In many cases, men internalise feelings of shame or guilt, believing that they are at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. This self-blame can become a vicious cycle, fuelling rumination and emotional distress⁶.

Attachment theory offers a useful lens through which to understand these reactions⁷. The loss of a primary attachment figure, most often the spouse, can cause feelings of vulnerability and helplessness. Without proper outlets or support, these feelings can deepen, leading to long-term mental health conditions if left unaddressed.

Furthermore, many men experience a sense of identity disintegration, which can lead to feelings of emptiness and despair⁸. They may find it difficult to recognise themselves outside the context of their marriage, which exacerbates their mental health struggles. Physical symptoms such as insomnia, chronic tension, or fatigue often serve as somatic expressions of their internal turmoil⁹.

Behavioural Manifestations of Divorce-Related Distress

The psychological toll of divorce frequently manifests in observable behaviours. From my clinical work, I see patterns such as withdrawal from social networks, avoidance of emotional discussions, and maladaptive coping strategies¹⁰.

Substance abuse is a common response; many men turn to alcohol or drugs as a means of numbing emotional pain temporarily¹¹. I often see men who, in times of crisis, spiral into heavy drinking or drug use, believing these substances will help them escape their feelings. As I’ve stated in my practice, “Alcohol and drugs often become the quick fix for emotional numbness, but they only deepen the wound over time.” While this may provide short-term relief, it often worsens their mental health over time¹².

Similarly, some men engage in risky behaviours, such as reckless sex, gambling, or overspending, seeking stimulation or distraction from their inner pain. These behaviours can quickly escalate into addictive patterns, especially when used as coping mechanisms¹³. I’ve observed that “when men are overwhelmed, their responses can become compulsive, as they attempt to regain a sense of control or escape through addiction.”

I have also observed increased irritability, anger, or aggression in men navigating divorce¹⁴. These emotional responses can be directed inward, leading to self-criticism and depression, or outward, causing conflicts with family, friends, or colleagues. Such behaviours tend to isolate men further, reinforcing feelings of loneliness and hopelessness.

Neglect of self-care is another common pattern. Men may deprioritise their physical health, skipping medical appointments, neglecting exercise, or engaging in poor nutrition, which creates a vicious cycle of physical and mental decline¹⁵.

Societal Expectations and Their Role

Societal standards around masculinity significantly influence how men experience and cope with divorce. Traditional notions of masculinity emphasise emotional restraint, independence, and strength. While these traits may serve in certain contexts, they often hinder men from expressing vulnerability or seeking help during times of crisis¹⁶.

In my experience, many men feel that showing emotion is dangerous or a sign of weakness. This cultural stigma discourages open communication about their struggles, leading to emotional repression that can intensify mental health issues¹⁷. It’s not uncommon for men to hide their pain behind a façade of stoicism, which can delay or prevent them from accessing the support they need.

This cultural dynamic underscores the importance of providing safe, stigma-free environments where men can explore their feelings and seek professional help without shame. As a specialist in addiction and trauma, I have seen how unaddressed emotional pain often manifests through addictive behaviours. “Without proper support, these coping mechanisms, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling, or compulsive sex, can quickly become entrenched, turning into destructive patterns that are hard to break,” I often emphasise in my work¹⁸.

Long-term Effects and the Importance of Support

Unaddressed, the psychological and behavioural impacts of divorce can persist long-term, affecting overall wellbeing and future relationships¹⁹. Persistent feelings of loss, identity confusion, and emotional suppression may lead to chronic depression, anxiety disorders, and difficulties forming new connections²⁰.

From my perspective, recovery is rarely linear. It involves patience, self-compassion, and often, professional support. Men need safe spaces to process their grief, confront their feelings, and rebuild their sense of self. Support groups, therapy, and open conversations can play a vital role in this process²¹.

In my clinical practice, I often see how addiction can serve as both a symptom and a barrier to healing. “Addictive behaviours, whether substance use, compulsive gambling, or risky sexual activity, are often attempts to self-medicate unresolved trauma,” I explain. “Addressing these behaviours requires a nuanced understanding of underlying pain and trauma, not just surface-level treatment.” ²²

However, stigma remains a barrier, and many men are reluctant to seek help. Therefore, ongoing efforts to destigmatise mental health and addiction treatment for men, along with culturally sensitive approaches, are vital in ensuring they receive the care they need²³.

The journey through divorce can be profoundly isolating and painful for men. Their mental health often bears the brunt of this upheaval, manifesting in depression, anxiety, somatic symptoms, and maladaptive or addictive behaviours. Recognising these patterns and understanding the societal influences that shape men’s responses are crucial steps toward providing effective support.

As a clinician dedicated to behavioural health, I believe that fostering environments where men feel safe to express vulnerability and seek help is fundamental. With the right support, men can navigate the complex aftermath of divorce, heal emotionally, and rebuild a resilient sense of self.

Understanding and addressing the silent suffering of men during this turbulent time is not just a clinical necessity; it is a societal imperative. Through compassion, awareness, and targeted intervention, including addressing addictive patterns, I believe it’s possible to not only help men survive divorce but to emerge from it stronger and more self-aware”.

References

Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1269–1287.
Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5–14.
Levant, R. F. (1996). The new psychology of men. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 27(3), 259–265.
Kilmartin, C. (2005). Depression in men: Communication, diagnosis and therapy. The Journal of Men’s Health & Gender, 2(1), 95–99.
Wang, H. T., & Amato, P. R. (2000). Predictors of divorce adjustment: Stressors, resources, and definitions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 655–668.
Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change.
Bruce, M. L., & Kim, K. (1992). Differences in the effects of divorce on major depression in men and women. American Journal of Psychiatry, 149(7), 914–917.
Kendler, K. S., et al. (2003). Stressful life events and major depression: Risk period, long-term contextual threat, and diagnostic specificity. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 191(3), 143–149.
Umberson, D., et al. (1992). Divorce and health: Consequences and correlates. Sociological Forum, 7(3), 423–439.
Dawson, D. A. (1994). Gender differences in the risk of alcohol abuse: The impact of family structure and social role. Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 55(1), 18–27.
Kessler, R. C., et al. (1997). The co-morbidity of DSM-III-R major depressive disorder in the general population: Results from the US National Comorbidity Survey. British Journal of Psychiatry, 168(Suppl 30), 17–30.
Potenza, M. N. (2006). Should addictive disorders include non-substance-related conditions? Addiction, 101, 142–151.
Rosen, L. N., et al. (1996). Traumatic events and their relationship to posttraumatic stress disorder and depressive disorder in male and female soldiers. Depression, 4(5), 220–231.
Courtenay, W. H. (2000). Constructions of masculinity and their influence on men’s well-being: A theory of gender and health. Social Science & Medicine, 50(10), 1385–1401.
Mahalik, J. R., et al. (2003). Masculinity and perceived normative health behaviors as predictors of men’s health behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201–2209.
O’Neil, J. M. (2008). Summarising 25 years of research on men’s gender role conflict using the Gender Role Conflict Scale. The Counseling Psychologist, 36(3), 358–445.
Khantzian, E. J. (1997). The self-medication hypothesis of substance use disorders: A reconsideration and recent applications. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 4(5), 231–244.
Lorenz, F. O., et al. (2006). The short-term and decade-long effects of divorce on women’s midlife health. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 47(2), 111–125.
Simon, R. W. (2002). Revisiting the relationships among gender, marital status, and mental health. American Journal of Sociology, 107(4), 1065–1096.
Jordan, J. V., et al. (2004). The complexity of connection: Writings from the Stone Center.
Najavits, L. M. (2002). Seeking Safety: A Treatment Manual for PTSD and Substance Abuse.

Vogel, D. L., et al. (2011). Stigma, help-seeking, and mental health: A review of the literature. Psychological Services, 8(2), 98–110.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

Moving On/Well-being/Your Emotions

Rising Stronger After Divorce

Published on July 21, 2025July 18, 2025

Lucy Newsum
Life Coach
Lucy Newsum Coaching

It is a human truth: divorce is hard. Within that truth is a depth of feeling that is often so visceral it is difficult to communicate. Divorce is not just hard, it is raw, exposing and messy. The loss of love, the untangling of your life from someone else, the sense of shame – it can feel like hitting rock bottom. It requires all our courage, strength and resilience to move through it and emerge stronger on the other side.

I believe we can move through it, and I believe we can rise stronger. I believe this because I have experienced it. ‘Rising stronger’ was the philosophy I lived by as I healed from my divorce. Today, my mission is to support others to do the same.

Why it’s so damn hard

Grief and emotional turmoil

With any relationship ending there is grief. Grief for the loss of the other person, the loss of the life you built, the future you imagined and your identity as part of that relationship and marriage. For many there is also another loss at play: the loss of ourselves within the relationship. It’s a triple whammy: loss of the other, ourselves and the life we were living.

With grief comes an emotional rollercoaster. You might be familiar with the Kübler-Ross model which outlines the five stages of grief: denial (or numbness), anger, bargaining (can lead to rumination), depression (deep sadness) and acceptance. These stages are not linear; it is likely you will bounce back and forth between them. This emotional whack-a-mole is hard, especially as you start to feel better and have some acceptance to then plummet back into anger or sadness. At other times you might find yourself stuck in the grip of a powerful and painful emotion, unable to move through it. Much of my work is about helping us to navigate and process our emotions, without suppressing or devaluing them.

Loss is also physical

Research shows that the brain’s response to loss and heartbreak activates the same pain centres triggered by physical injury. The heartbreak of a divorce is not just in your head; we feel it at a deep physical level. It can feel like our heart is breaking. Combine this with the physical separation from a person we have spent time with every day and it’s easy to see we are dealing with a lot.

Shame and guilt

And if that’s not enough, we also tend to add a good dollop of guilt or shame on top of it all. Guilt at hurting the feelings of someone we loved, or feelings of rejection and low self-worth, or questions of ‘what did I do wrong?’ or ‘why wasn’t I enough?’.

Our culture contributes to this shame and guilt. The wider narrative around divorce and the opinions of others can leave us feeling like a failure, fuelling the flames of shame

and leaving us lacking in confidence. This all serves to amplify the pain we are experiencing.

The weight of responsibility

Amidst all of this we have choices to make and action to take: the legal process, financial decisions, and maybe childcare challenges too. We are dismantling one life and building a new one. This is scary and often overwhelming. But every ending is also a beginning, and we can rise stronger.

The only way out is through

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in life so far is that you can’t shortcut your way around the hard moments. The only way out is to go through – gently and one step at a time.

It is natural to want to avoid or numb the pain of loss. But avoiding, ignoring, suppressing or resisting our feelings are all actually ways that keep that pain alive. We keep the pain trapped in our body rather than accepting it, feeling it, having compassion for it and moving through it.

Many years ago, I experienced a shattering heartbreak. It was a short relationship, so I judged my pain at its ending to be out of proportion. How could I be so hurt over something that hadn’t lasted long? Grieving it so deeply felt somehow weak, like something was wrong with me. So, I brushed myself off, put the grief into a locked box and got on with my life. Looking back, I can see clearly how that unprocessed and unhealed pain influenced my relationship behaviours and choices, contributed to an internal narrative of shame and limiting beliefs, and gave space to my own very loud and mean inner critic. It shaped how I showed up in my marriage and how I showed up for myself. When I went through my divorce over 10 years later, I finally found myself able to grieve and process that early relationship, which also helped me heal from my divorce, learn from it all and find the road back to myself.

I love Miranda Hart’s description of going through the hard moments. In her recent book, she describes her journey as finding herself somewhere “…dark. Musty.Dank. A cave. With slimy, muddy walls. I walked along the cold, rock floor until another door at the far end of the cave became faintly visible. Somehow, I knew that door was the one that I would eventually, at the right time, be able to step through. And I would be refreshed”

My marriage and my divorce became my teacher. Slowly, gently, with compassion, I navigated that dark, dank cave. It was a journey of getting to know myself (my patterns, beliefs and values), finding the tools to feel more confident and navigate daily ups and downs, and building a brighter, more joyful and fulfilling life. In short, I went on a journey back to my heart. Today I feel freer, move alive, more empowered and more deeply connected to myself and others than ever before.

You can do the same

There is a light at the end of your dark cave. What if this is the start of a journey to truly discovering yourself and building a more empowered, confident and fulfilled you?

If you’re unsure where to start, here are three things you could focus on:

Seek out your support network: I recommend your network covers three pillars of support – practical support (legal and financial advice, childcare support etc), emotional support (someone to turn to when you are in the grip of emotion or turning in on yourself) and social support (someone who will get you out of the house and sprinkle some joy).
Daily wins: at the end of each day write down, or say out loud, three wins from the day. It doesn’t matter how big or small these are – a win could be making the bed that day – the power is in the daily recording of your wins. It trains your brain to start to look for the positives.
Gentle movement: our physiology has one of the biggest impacts on our emotional state. Movement positively influences our emotional state, enabling us to navigate and shift some of those more painful emotions.

“The most difficult seasons of life are often preparing us for the most beautiful times ahead. When life falls apart, don’t rush to put it all back together. Sit in the fire and ash of all that once was. You will rise from this with deeper clarity, more wisdom, and a heart primed for peace. This is what grief does when we make room for it. Grief doesn’t break us, it heals us.” – Sheleana Aiyana

About Lucy Newsum

Lucy Newsum is a life coach and facilitator. She provides coaching for women who want to live and love wholeheartedly.

www.lucynewsum.com

IG @lucynewsumcoaching

Divorce and Finances/Financial and Legal Advice

Common Financial Mistakes to Avoid During and After Divorce

Published on May 14, 2025May 13, 2025

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

The fear of starting all over again and all the financial worry that can bring with it can understandably have a profound effect on many people going through divorce or separation.

This fear can be particularly acute for those who have not had to deal with financial practicalities such as tax, standing orders and direct debits during their relationship.

If you are going through divorce or contemplating it and are concerned about future finances, this article will help to keep you on the right financial track throughout your divorce and beyond.

Be Open and Honest

Not sharing financial information during a relationship can contribute to problems during divorce proceedings.

One spouse may have no idea where the budget line is – or even where it should be drawn – and may have unrealistic expectations of what they are entitled to, or what is a realistic and affordable.

One spouse may have hidden savings or income from the other or scrutinised the other’s spending without being transparent about their own. On divorce, there is nowhere to hide. It is fundamental that both spouses fully and frankly disclose everything they have to each other as a starting point for an informed negotiation.

The Importance of Financial Disclosure

In every divorce, separating couples must provide to the other full details of their assets, income, pension and liabilities. This is known as financial disclosure.

Financial disclosure ensures that both spouses can make fully informed decisions about what they consider to be a fair settlement. A failure to disclose anything material to the settlement can in some cases lead to an agreement being set aside. Lawyers and judges know every trick in the book and will ask questions if they suspect that money has been concealed. They may even employ forensic accountants to track down missing assets.

Don’t be tempted to hide money in offshore banks. These still have to be disclosed. If you do not provide everything that is necessary to understand the financial position, family courts have the power to question your accountant, your financial advisor and even your bank manager.

Setting up a new business shortly before separation may well be seen as suspicious or even a deliberate attempt to hide assets. Taking steps designed to put money beyond the reach of your spouse could lead to injunctions being made against you, freezing assets, or ordering the return of monies from third parties. In the long run, actions such as these are highly unlikely to succeed and will almost certainly damage your credibility in the eyes of the court.

The Penalties of Concealing Assets

If it later comes to light that you have withheld material financial information during the financial disclosure process, your spouse might be able to ask the court to set aside the Financial Consent Order and relook at what would be a fair order – taking into account all the assets, including those not previously disclosed.

The court can also make an order that you pay your ex’s legal costs. In the worst-case scenario, deliberately withholding financial information in breach of a court order can amount to a contempt of court for which a range of penalties (including ultimately imprisonment) could be imposed.

Include Pensions in Financial Settlements

Frequently overlooked in financial settlements, pensions are frequently one of the most valuable assets of a marriage. They often make up the second highest- value asset in a divorce settlement after the family home – or sometimes the highest.

It is key that information about pensions is made available in the financial disclosure process which must include details of all pensions, including state pensions – and the value of each one.

The most common way in which a disparity in pensions is addressed in a divorce settlement is pension sharing. Pension sharing splits the pensions immediately and provides a clean break

As an alternative, in some cases ex-spouses prefer to take a greater share of the equity in the family home or other capital, as a trade-off for a share of the other’s pension.

Some divorces may involve several pension arrangements so it is important to consider which arrangements should be shared, and to what extent. Pensions are complex and, save in very straightforward cases with pensions of limited value, it is important to get specialist advice about them before agreeing a settlement.

The pension share may be internal (when the recipient becomes a member of the scheme) or external when the share must be invested in an existing or new arrangement of the receiving party. Care should be taken to obtain details of the cost of any transfer.

In deciding what is best for them, the couple need to consider how their respective financial needs will be met and what other assets are available for distribution.

Consider Financial Planning

It can be helpful to have financial advice during settlement negotiations. Many financial advisers use cashflow modelling, which can be a valuable way of how different settlement options might pan out in the future. In processes such as collaborative practice or mediation, it is quite common to bring a financial adviser into the process as a neutral to help the discussions. Further financial advice can then be taken on an individual basis when settlement terms are clear.

Get a formal Financial Order

Once a financial settlement is agreed, it is almost always best for the terms agreed to be made final and binding in a court order. This is a legally binding document which details the main assets owned by divorcing couples and sets out the financial arrangements agreed between them. The terms of an order are binding and can be enforced through the courts if there are any problems putting those terms into effect.

It is important to understand that the divorce process itself does not dismiss financial claims which can be pursued many years after the divorce has been finalised provided the person bringing the application has not remarried. Putting off the conversation at the time of separation can sometimes just be kicking the can down the road.

Try to avoid exceeding your budget

I am not a financial adviser, but these are some pointers which might be useful to think about:

Create a ‘to do’ list of all things financial (bills etc) and an aspirational list to set goals for enjoyable things such as treats and breaks
Consider having two bank accounts – one for day-to-day expenses for the house, food, car and associated expenses, direct debits, standing orders and credit card payment. The second is for setting aside some savings for exceptional expenses such non-essential clothing, holidays, and house repairs.
Set out the absolute and exact payments needed every month for your house and family
Know when your maintenance payments arrive and budget accordingly. Ensure standing orders don’t go out before your monthly payments are due in
Apply to your Council for a 25% council tax discount. The concession applies if you are on your own or have younger children
Expand your support network if you’re on your own or have children. Now is an ideal time as the country emerges from lockdown
Take professional advice on preparing and budgeting for your own retirement
Make a will. If you have a pension or life assurance, ensure it includes your chosen beneficiaries and is updated. Review it every few years.
Stay healthy in body and spirit – try new things. You could also consider engaging a life or Divorce coach who specialises in helping people in your situation prepare for their new future

Spousal Maintenance and Child Maintenance

Remember that Spousal Maintenance will usually be paid for a period of time to enable you to adjust to financial independence or when your financial needs are reduced, for example, when your children finish school or university, or leave home.

Be aware that your spousal maintenance will stop if you remarry or enter into a civil partnership or if either of you dies. It could also be affected if you meet a new partner and move in together

It is also important to plan for when child maintenance – which is mandatory for both parents for children under sixteen and youngsters under twenty who are still in full time education – comes to an end.

As part of our holistic approach, Jones Myers advises and guides our clients through the stages of divorce during and after their divorce.

A champion of non-confrontational divorce and resolving issues in a spirit of collaboration and cooperation, our extensive expertise includes alternative to avoid courts which include mediation and collaborative family law.

Our pre-divorce and post- divorce support includes helping them to stay on the right financial track as they embark on the next chapter of their lives.

About Nicki Mitchell

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled Mediator, Child Inclusive Mediator and Collaborative Family Lawyer, Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns.

Direct Dial: 01904 202553 or email Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk. Website: www.jonesmyers.co.uk

Coping with Divorce/Your Emotions

Divorce Done Right: How a Calm Mind Leads to a Fair Resolution

Published on April 16, 2025April 8, 2025

Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

The Role of Emotions in Divorce

Divorce can be one of the most emotionally challenging experiences you can ever face. When emotions run high, they can cloud judgment and lead to decisions that are not in your best interest. Heightened emotions such as anger, sadness, and frustration can result in poor decision-making, causing people to act impulsively or spitefully. This can prolong divorce proceedings and increase costs, as conflicts and disagreements escalate. Understanding the role of emotions in divorce is crucial to navigating the process effectively.

Why Heightened Emotions Can Lead to Poor Decision-Making

When emotions are in control, rational thought often takes a back seat. Anger can drive individuals to make vindictive choices, leading to prolonged legal battles that are both financially and emotionally draining. Stress can cause individuals to agree to unfavourable terms simply to expedite the process, resulting in long-term regret. Alternatively dragging out the process for very little gain is not productive either. Recognising these pitfalls is the first step toward a more successful divorce process. Contact the team at Fair Result and right from the outset we will try and help with the emotional stress you are going through. All out clients’ have a personalised WhatsApp link to the team dealing with your case who are contactable every day you need us. In addition, our fixed fee price shared with you right at the start of your case will remain fixed no matter how long your case takes to resolve and should give you peace of mind that you are not getting charged for every phone call, email, or text dealing with your case.

How Stress and Anger Can Prolong Proceedings and Increase Costs

Stress and anger fuel conflict, which in turn extends the duration of divorce proceedings. The more contentious the divorce, the more time and money are spent on legal fees, court appearances, and negotiations. By allowing these emotions to dictate actions, individuals may find themselves trapped in a cycle of hostility and expense. It is therefore essential to approach divorce with a calm and strategic mindset to avoid unnecessary delays and costs. At Fair Result, we focus on what you want to achieve and work hard to get this for you.

The Benefits of a Calm & Strategic Approach

Maintaining a clear and rational mindset during a divorce can lead to more favourable outcomes, both financially and emotionally. When individuals can manage their emotions and think strategically, they are better equipped to make decisions that align with their long-term goals.

How a Clear Mindset Leads to Better Financial Settlements

A calm and clear mindset allows individuals to focus on what truly matters in their divorce settlement. By prioritising financial stability and fair division of assets, individuals can avoid the pitfalls of emotionally driven decisions. This approach often leads to more equitable financial settlements that provide long-term security for both parties. Being bitter over what has happened will not impact on the financial distribution in your case, so don’t let it cloud your judgment.

Why Courts Favour Reasonable, Amicable Negotiations Over Conflict-Driven Cases

Courts tend to favour divorces that are resolved through reasonable and amicable negotiations. Judges are more likely to approve settlements that demonstrate cooperation and mutual respect. Conflict-driven cases, on the other hand, can result in court-imposed decisions that may not be in the best interest of either party. By approaching divorce with a calm and strategic mindset, individuals can present a more favourable case to the court.

Real-Life Examples of How a Level-Headed Approach Resulted in Fairer Outcomes

Consider the case of Jane and John and we represented Jane the applicant wife, who approached their divorce with a calm and strategic mindset. Instead of engaging in heated arguments, they focussed on open communication and mutual understanding. By working together, they were able to reach a fair settlement that provided financial stability for both parties and minimised emotional stress for their children. Their experience highlights the benefits of maintaining a level-headed approach during divorce proceedings. If we can work with both parties who are prepared to negotiate calmly and sensibly, a faster quicker cheaper outcome is swiftly achieved for both parties.

Practical Strategies for Staying Calm & Focussed

Maintaining a calm and focussed mindset during a divorce requires deliberate effort and the implementation of practical strategies. By seeking professional guidance, engaging in mediation, and practicing mindfulness, individuals can navigate the divorce process more effectively. We have a team of counsellors we can pair you up with if you feel this would help.

The Importance of Seeking Professional Guidance Early

Early professional guidance can provide individuals with the information and support they need to make informed decisions. Legal advisors, financial planners, and therapists can offer valuable insights and help individuals develop a strategic approach to their divorce. By seeking expert advice early on, individuals can avoid common pitfalls and set the stage for a smoother process.

How Mediation Can Ease Tensions and Encourage Fair Resolutions

Mediation is a valuable tool for resolving disputes amicably. A neutral mediator facilitates discussions between parties, helping them reach mutually beneficial agreements. Mediation can ease tensions, reduce conflict, and encourage fair resolutions, making it an effective alternative to traditional litigation.

Mindfulness and Stress Management Techniques During the Divorce Process

Practicing mindfulness and stress management techniques can help individuals stay calm and focussed during their divorce. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and regular exercise can reduce stress and improve emotional regulation. By incorporating these practices into their daily routine, individuals can better manage their emotions and approach divorce with a clear mind.

How Fair Result Helps Clients Achieve Fair Outcomes

Fair Result offers a unique approach to supporting clients through the divorce process. By prioritising clarity, reducing financial stress, and providing quick guidance, Fair Result helps clients achieve fair outcomes. The fixed fee and WhatsApp group also helps. Get in touch as soon as you are ready, and we can talk you through our way of working to give you the best possible outcome.

The Unique Approach Fair Result Takes to Support Clients in Maintaining Clarity

Fair Result’s approach emphasises the importance of maintaining clarity and focus. Their expert team provides personalised support and strategic advice, helping clients navigate the complexities of divorce with confidence. By fostering a calm and rational mindset, Fair Result enables clients to make informed decisions that align with their long-term goals.

How Fair Result’s Fixed-Fee Structure Reduces Financial Stress

One of the key features of Fair Result’s service is their fixed-fee structure, which eliminates the uncertainty of hourly legal fees. This approach reduces financial stress and allows clients to budget more effectively. By providing transparent and predictable pricing, Fair Result ensures that clients can focus on achieving a fair settlement without the burden of unexpected costs.

The WhatsApp Service as a Way for Clients to Get Quick Guidance & Reassurance

Fair Result offers a convenient WhatsApp service that allows clients to receive quick guidance and reassurance. This service provides immediate access to expert advice, helping clients stay informed and confident throughout the divorce process. By offering timely support, Fair Result helps clients maintain a calm and focussed mindset.

If you are currently going through a divorce or considering one, reach out to the Fair Result team for a no-obligation consultation. Discover how Fair Result’s expert-led, fixed-fee approach can make your divorce smoother and more manageable. Download the Guide to Divorce for additional support and start your journey towards a fair and amicable resolution.

Get in Touch

Call us at 07 500 933 818 or 0333 577 7009

Email peter@fair-result.co.uk or chris@fair-result.co.uk

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

Coping with Divorce/Moving On/Well-being

Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Getting Legal Advice and Support

Published on March 10, 2025March 7, 2025

Laura Mounsey
Director and Solicitor
Harrogate Family Law

2.3 million people over the age of 16 are estimated to have experienced domestic abuse (year ending March 2024).

That’s just one shocking statistic from the Crime Survey for England and Wales. If you or someone you know is the victim of domestic abuse, you’re not alone. Take a look at our guide to your legal protections and how to seek help.

Understanding domestic abuse

Domestic abuse is a crime, and thanks to the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, victims have stronger protections enshrined in law than ever before.

The term isn’t limited to physical violence, and can also include emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse, as well as coercive control.

It is not uncommon to feel that you are to blame or that you cannot get out of it. This is not the case with the right help.

What if I or someone I know needs immediate protection?

If you’re in immediate danger, you must always call 999. The Silent Solution is a system that ensures you get the help you need in situations where you’re unable to talk, are calling from a landline or are deaf or hard of hearing.

The police can issue Domestic Violence Protection Notices (DVPNs) and apply for a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO). These measures provide short-term protection by removing them from your home and prohibiting them from contacting you.

They can also give you the space and thinking time you need to seek legal advice about the future.

Reporting domestic abuse and getting legal support

All domestic abuse, even if there’s no immediate threat or danger, can be reported to the police. Then, it’s best to seek legal advice from a knowledgeable and reputable family law firm, such as Harrogate Family Law.

This will help you to fully understand your options and get any advice you might need about divorce and separation proceedings and the arrangements for the children.

Legal orders to protect you: what are the options?

Several legal orders can provide longer-term protection:

Non-Molestation Order: Prevents your partner from using or threatening violence, harassing, intimidating, or contacting you.

Occupation Order: Determines who can live in the family home, potentially excluding the abuser even if they own or rent the property.

Restraining Order: Issued by a court following criminal proceedings to prevent an abuser from contacting or approaching you.

Child arrangements Order: Deals with who the children should live with and how they should spend time with each of you (if at all).

Prohibited steps Order: Stops someone from doing certain things to protect the children. For example, taking them out of the country or removing them from you or school.

Financial remedy Order: if you are married, this will sort out what money you need to be able to move on with your life and break as free as you can from that relationship.

Your solicitor will be able to advise which option is the most appropriate for your situation.

Can I get support with my legal fees?

In some circumstances, yes, although you’ll have to meet strict criteria. Use the GOV.UK website to find legal aid solicitors in your area who can assess your eligibility. Even if you are not eligible for legal aid, there may be other options to give you a “fighting fund”. This is important because often, you can fear being overpowered and on the back foot.

Financial and Housing Support

If you’re leaving an abusive relationship, you’ve probably got lots of questions about what will happen financially.

It’s a good idea to find out what, if any, benefits you might be entitled to such as Universal Credit, or any assistance from charities like Women’s Aid and Refuge. The Citizens Advice Bureau is a good starting point for putting yourself in the know. However, it may also be the case that your ex should pay you an amount of money per month too.

If you need emergency housing for immediate safety, you may need to secure a place in a refuge. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, the Men’s Advice Line and IDAS can help to point you in the right direction, as can the police if they’re involved. There are also local authority housing options but it may also be possible to get a house through court.

What other support might I need?

It is common for you to feel like you will not be able to weather the storm of leaving an abusive person. It can be vital to get the right professional support including a therapist, re-connecting with your friends and family that you may have been isolated from as well as getting any help you need from your GP, work and your children’s school/nursery.

How a family law solicitor can help

Experiencing domestic abuse is a trauma, and you’ll need the right people in your corner. A family law solicitor can provide a range of support and legal guidance, including:

Applying for protective orders.
Child arrangements and safeguarding.
Divorce and financial settlements.

About Laura Mounsey

Laura’s expertise as a family solicitor is in making sure that clients know their worth and do not have the wool pulled over their eyes if someone tries to hide assets or be unfair. She works on divorce cases involving properties, trusts, businesses and pensions and supports people who have been in abusive relationships to regain control and move forward. She can help you secure what you are entitled to if you separate or divorce as well as protect your assets and income if you are wanting to live with someone or get married. Laura also has experience in resolving disputes about children. Laura has been ranked in Chambers UK in 2025 and was recognised in the Legal 500 2025 edition as being “an outstanding solicitor. She is committed, dedicated and goes the distance for each of her clients.” Laura says “I love being able to solve people’s problems. People want to be treated fairly, to have certainty and to move forwards. For me, that’s what family law is all about. It is an honour to get people through the difficulties so that they have peace of mind about the future.”

Suggestions

coping and dealing with divorce - Page 2

1. Ensure you are safe

2. Manage your emergencies

3. Consider couple counselling

4. Be kind if you can

5. Start early

6. Get support

7. Think and write

8. Find the right professional

9. Be brave …ish

10. Think kids

About James Pirrie

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Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting

Measuring Emotional Readiness

About Jimi Odell

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Therapy and Understanding

Why We Say It

A Psychological Shortcut

What If They’re Not Fine?

What Children Need

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

References

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

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About Noel McDermott

You might be interested in

Why Relationship Breakdown Magnifies Suicide Risk

How Suicidal Ideation Can Form After A Breakup

The Red Flags: What To Watch For After A Relationship Ends

What The Person Is Most Often Worried About

A Practical Response Plan

For Friends And Family

Understanding and Supporting Recovery

Changing The Narrative

The facts are clear:

References

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

You might be interested in

Avoiding the “one-person trap”

Choosing the right lawyer

How to build your divorce team

Final thoughts

About Chloe O.

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Who Can Take Part?

What’s Involved?

How to Get Involved

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The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Men

Impact on Mental Health

Behavioural Manifestations of Divorce-Related Distress

Societal Expectations and Their Role

Long-term Effects and the Importance of Support

References

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

You might be interested in

Why it’s so damn hard

Grief and emotional turmoil

Loss is also physical

Shame and guilt

The weight of responsibility

The only way out is through

You can do the same

About Lucy Newsum

You might be interested in

Be Open and Honest

The Importance of Financial Disclosure

The Penalties of Concealing Assets

Include Pensions in Financial Settlements

Consider Financial Planning

Get a formal Financial Order

Try to avoid exceeding your budget

Spousal Maintenance and Child Maintenance

About Nicki Mitchell

You might be interested in

The Role of Emotions in Divorce

Why Heightened Emotions Can Lead to Poor Decision-Making