coping and dealing with divorce

Divorcing Passive-Aggressive Men and Women

Published on January 10, 2015November 2, 2018

Women and Divorce — Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce with a passive-aggressive partner can be particularly aggravating.

They seeming are going along with the whole process, yet are sabotaging it.

They agree to check on their pension plan or to bring paperwork to the divorce sessions, but “forget.” The use of the word “forget” may be frequent as a way of avoiding responsibilities or tasks that they do not wish to perform.

Passive-aggressive people can prolong divorce hearings by purposely not following through with something as a way to get back at you. This retaliation bumps up legal costs.

They avoid confrontations and do not directly express intense emotions.

They have a calm demeanour which hides the hostility lurking beneath the surface. Actions are ruled by anger since they do not voice it out loud. They may refuse to sign the divorce papers or at the last minute disagree with how assets are divided, instead of stating objections earlier. It is difficult to know what they are thinking and if they are amenable to negotiations, since the silent treatment is their specialty. Ask what is wrong and a curt “nothing” may be the reply.

They do not communicate well, so give and take is difficult. They are not expressing opinions which complicates divorce arrangements.

www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk — He or she may “forget” about a visitation,

Co-parenting with a passive-aggressive ex is challenging. They play the blame game and may hold you as the villain, who ruined their life.

The divorce was caused 100% by you and now you will be punished, indirectly of course.

You might receive maintenance on time, but in the wrong amount. It is wise to have maintenance and child support sent directly from his bank account to yours, to leave him out of the loop.

Then one does not have GFY (Go F*** Yourself) written in the check memos as one woman did.

He or she may “forget” about a visitation, or pick up the kids late when you have a date. Having the pickup and drop off at a neutral location is prudent. One former couple has theirs at the paternal grandparents’ house, so his being late or forgetting is not an issue. The children have fun and the mother is not stressed.

Have a detailed Parenting Plan to lessen complications post-divorce when the passive-aggressive parent may try to get back at you through the children.

Have shared time clearly stated and clarify holiday arrangements. The passive-aggressive person sees themselves as the victim in life and you want to avoid this drama.

There are various online calendar sites where parents can mark activities and events so the kids’ schedules are available to both parents. This reduces accusations that the other parent was not informed of happenings in their youngsters’ lives.

When communicating with the passive-aggressive parent avoid emotions, particularly anger.

Ignore their subtle putdowns and just state the facts. Keep e-mails business like and to the point. Passive-aggressive people often have low self-esteem and may attempt to build themselves up by tearing you down.

Have someone available for the kids to talk with, because the other parent may be making mean “jokes” or offhand comments about you. The least interactions that you can have with this difficult ex-spouse, the better.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Divorce Videos and Interviews

How to Survive a Divorce using EFT

Published on June 22, 2014September 14, 2019

In this interview with EFT expert Susan Cowe Miller, she explains to Alternative Divorce Guide Suzy Miller, how EFT Tapping can help with divorce stress; one of life’s big emotional challenges.

How to Survive a Divorce using EFT

Divorce Stress is one of life’s big emotional challenges. Feelings of frustration, anger, helplessness, injustice all come high on the list.

A need for increased confidence, stronger self-worth and self-esteem seem necessary but sometimes they appear out of reach.

I share here the first of two easy to follow self-help Tapping videos; hugely effective in lowering stress and anxiety.

EFT can help clients deal with overwhelm, deep stress, self-sabotage and as a result they benefit from improved physical health and positive emotional well-being.

So how can EFT Tapping help you?

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) works to release trapped negative energy blocked within the body’s energy system. EFT has been called ‘Psychological Acupuncture’ because you tap on energy channels and voice your distressing issue, event or pain. When you are happy your energy flows easily through the energy channels but when you become stressed by a negative emotion blockages then appear within the energy system and potentially cause physical illness and pain.

The negative energy released by EFT Tapping has been stored since the specific negative event, statement or issue first took place, months or many years before.

EFT works at a conscious and subconscious level. It clears negative experiences from your past so that you change your emotional reactions today; you live and react in the present – not repeating negative patterns of learned behaviour from past stressful events.

It can be used as a self-healing tool but it is advised to work with a practitioner if troubled by big trauma.

Tapping is a powerful tool and you now have it, at your fingertips!

Suzy Miller of The Alternative Divorce

Follow Suzy on Twitter

Susan Cowe: EFT (Tapping) practitioner and author of ‘Survive and Thrive after Trauma’

Your Divorce Stories

Divorce and Property: My African Reflection

Published on May 30, 2014January 10, 2015

Divorce is a very difficult journey not in the least when it comes to living through and experiencing the dismantling of a ‘joint venture’ that you spend time and effort creating.

What happens to the property of that ‘joint venture’ after the divorce?

Out here in the ‘West’, I think it is much easier to talk about divorce and property and to actually work out some sort of settlement or partition of that property.

My post of today is a combination of my story so far as divorce and property is concerned and some personal reflections as an African.

What is Property anyway?

To begin with, we mustn’t forget that in some traditional African societies, a woman was considered ‘property’. I am even tempted from my experience, to say that is still very much the case in some cases today. Hey, even my own husband loved referring to me as his ‘bien’ (property). The idea of just trusting or letting me do my own thing was an unacceptable.

You will find at times that when there’s a divorce, the woman is often asked what right, if any, she has to claim any property after all she is never her own person; from birth she belongs to her father, guardian or husband. For instance, you will still find that in some African societies, a woman still needs her husband’s permission to open a bank account, travel out of the country, own land and/or property or make any type of investments. Where there’s a divorce, the husband will be the one to decide what happens to any money In the case of a divorce, what happens to the money in an account he authorised and may still have a say in how it is spent or handled?

Divorce and Property – My Personal Case

divorce and property joint account Oh, as for me, ‘shameless woman’, did it not suffice that l was that adulterous woman who eloped with another?

What property did I bring into the marriage? What property could I even talk of when I myself had been ‘paid for’ with the controversial ‘bride price’?

The situation as I saw best for me then, was to just leave hoping that all the investments l had made in there, will somehow pass on to my sons.

You see, obtaining a divorce in some parts of Africa is an uphill battle. Mine is still to be declared final after yes 2 years of legal parades. I did not want to make matters more complicated for me by making claim to any property. I simply would have lost both; both the freedom (to no longer bear his name just to state this) I longed for as well as the property l would have been claiming. l did make some investments in there, lots of items in that house are linked to me. Even investing in his business, and l mean financial investment, leave alone the joint account.

What I observed

l remember my parents ‘legal parades’ too.

l spoke on behalf of my siblings and l and despite being 14/15, l was very aware and could understand what was going on. The woman knows that she may not get any property if she makes a claim. Even with any justifications, the system is ‘masculine’. Even if a judgment was passed granting alimony or any partitioning, there was no redress should the man fail to abide by the judgment. If push came to shove, you could start another civil suit. That would be your choice and trouble and not the court’s or your husband’s.

The bride Price has to be refunded above all

Well, things may be simple if the woman and her family refund the bride price. At least then she may be able to make claim on any property they acquired during their ‘joint venture’.

But, let look at it this way, how much was the bride price?

Back in the days, when a girl was born, the first man to stroll by and be interested in safeguarding her as a wife, started bringing gifts to her parents. He continued doing so and maybe also supporting her financially until it was time to ‘claim’ his wife.

The ‘bride price’, therefore, isn’t just what he will pay on the day of the traditional marriage ceremony, no, it is all what he has spent on her and her family from the days of courting to the wedding day.

Divorce and Property

It is for the above reasons that I think talking about property and divorce in an African context is tricky. There is a lot at stake not to talk of the man’s ego. I sadly recently learnt of a man who took away both his wife and his life, because she threatened to leave him. In my humble reflections, divorce in some parts of Africa is still a very very painful journey. I may have just been one of the lucky few who made it out alive and has the guts to share her story!

Marie Abanga – Follow Marie on Twitter

Author of My Unconventional Loves: My Hurts, My Adulteries, My Redemption

Moving On/Well-being

Dealing with Divorce in 3 Steps – Looking After Yourself

Published on May 26, 2014October 21, 2015

Looking After Yourself In this interview with Sandie Martel of Be OK Therapy, the UK’s Alternative Divorce Guide Suzy Miller interviews her about the third of 3 key pieces of advice, taken from Sandie’s personal story to help you cope with your divorce in the best possible manner.

Looking After Yourself

“The last piece of advice I would like to give in this series of three articles, is that you learn to love yourself and to take care of yourself”

“I know we lead such busy lives, going to work, running our own businesses, looking after the kids, the home, the car, making sure everything is in order…

What about you?

What do you actually do for yourself?

Do you take time just for you (without feeling guilty!)?

OK you might watch TV once in a while to relieve the stress in the evening, but do you actually spend time with yourself at all? Take time to listen to your own desires, learn to know yourself, deal with your own issues?

It is important that you do so regularly and rather early on during the divorce process.

Because divorce will drain you physically and emotionally and you need to be able to deal with anything that comes your way, taking time to look after yourself is critical.

I was glad I had all the tools I needed to BeOK when receiving my Decree Absolute, first because it is an important step, but also because the official divorce date was stated as 14^th February.

What a great date for a divorce!

Help yourself to help your kids and claim your life back.”

Suzy Miller is the creator of Divorce in a Box and Divorce First Aid Kit, The Alternative Divorce Guide

Follow Suzy Miller on Twitter and Facebook

Follow Sandie Martel on Twitter and Facebook

Check out Part 1 and Part two of Dealing with Divorce in 3 Steps.

Coping with Divorce

Post-Divorce Advice – Avoid Complications

Published on May 19, 2014October 28, 2018

Many people expressed surprise that once divorced, the relationships with exes were anything but over. They felt waltzing out of the court room or solicitor’s office meant freedom and a totally new life.

Post-divorce experiences with former spouses depend upon many factors, such as being caught up in the blame game, or wanting to extract revenge. Laying low and staying off your ex’s radar is a viable solution.

Are you giving your former spouse ammunition by spreading your divorce story all over town?

My divorce solicitor said “Don’t talk about your ex at all to anyone. Anything said can come back and bite you on the bum.” She does not even share personal aspects about herself to casual friends. This solicitor has witnessed many horror stories with post-divorced people blabbing too much to others. I followed the WWII saying, “Loose lips sink ships” as my motto.

Hazel got slapped with a slander suit months after her divorce. She had been tight lipped post-divorce and did not see this coming.

Slander is making false statements about someone else to a third party. Even though the onus is on the person initiating this lawsuit to prove the allegations are false, it still involves time, legal expenses, and stress to the person accused.

Slander can lead to defamation which endangers some else’s reputation, job with potential financial loss, and standing in the community. If the person filing a defamation lawsuit proves false statements damaged his livelihood then hefty fines and possible jail time can be given to the former spouse.

Do not even whisper any rumors, just keep your mouth shut.

Hazel called her collaborative solicitor who could not defend her on this post-divorce charge although helped Hazel get a new one. The new one worked with both parties and drew up a legal gag order for BOTH of them. Hazel guessed the leaks were the two sons who talked to teachers and friends’ parents. Also well-meaning friends defended Hazel to her ex’s co-workers, so a lot of gossip was passed along too. Hazel plugged these leaks by threating her boys and friends to keep quiet. She did most of her confiding after that to a psychologist friend and her life went more smoothly.

Libel is stating false allegations through writing. It also includes oral remarks made through the media, such as radio interviews.

Celebrities occasionally sue newspapers for reporting what they say are untrue stories, such as having an affair. Then it is up to that media source to prove that it is a fact. Sometimes there is a private settlement and the celebrity drops the charge.

Your solicitor or mediator will strongly warn not to post anything damaging about your former spouse on social media. Just do not mention your ex on any site to avoid possible libel.

Do not let anyone take compromising photos of you or post comments that could be misconstrued or misinterpreted on social media. Photos and comments regarding excessive partying on social media can and have been used as evidence post-divorce to go to court to amend custody arrangements. You want to be viewed as the reliable parent you are, and not someone whose priority is mainly elsewhere (nightclubs).

There are abusive ex-partners who do not want to let go no matter what.

One way to get out of their web is to relocate if this is feasible. This works well if you moved when getting married, do not have family ties in that city and can work in another locale. Keep your solicitor in the loop if lawsuits seem imminent.

Choose to respond, rather than reacting to whatever they may throw at you. One cannot change other people, only one’s own actions and responses. Rejoice when this type of ex-spouse remarries, because their focus may lessen on you. A supportive network and having fun is crucial in maintaining sanity post-divorce.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER