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How Coparents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children
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How Co-Parents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop
Al Huntoon
Al Huntoon
Founder
Coparenting Connection

“When my parents got divorced, I was just a baby and had no idea what it felt like to have two parents together. Children at any age grieve the loss of their family.”

What is Grief?

In very simple terms, grief is a reaction to loss. When we think of grief, we often think of a death loss, but grief is much broader than most think, and it can be felt for various reasons. Children are not immune to feeling these emotions. Many parents who go through a breakup or divorce may not even recognise that their children may also be grieving.

One aspect of the experience that not many separating or divorcing couples understand is that children do grieve this loss. It changes their whole life. Children can have similar reactions to how the parents may feel about the separation or divorce.

Children’s reactions and feelings can be more acute in the case of high-conflict separations or divorces. The day before transferring the child to the other parent’s house can be fraught with tense feelings. These are sensed by the child, who may wonder whether their parents may fight openly at the transfer or what will happen. That was my experience as a child.

When Karen’s parents divorced, she was too young to know what it was like to have both parents together. Karen recalls feeling lonely and insecure during her visits with her father, crying alone, and longing for her mother. Children of all ages grieve the loss of their family, though many parents may not recognise this. Grief, a reaction to loss, isn’t limited to death and can deeply affect children during divorce. This grief changes a child’s entire life, often manifesting in behavioural issues due to their limited ability to understand or express their feelings.

To illustrate this, Karen shares a deeply personal story from her own childhood, which highlights the impact of grief.

I saw pictures of myself spending time with my father when I was very young, but my earliest memories were with my mother. I spent most of my childhood with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend. Some of my earliest memories include crying in my bed at my father’s place and longing to be with my mom. I felt alone and hurt, yearning for her. I was also a very sickly child, and I struggled in those early years of school.

My attachment system was formed to feel secure and safe with my mom, but my behaviour was not always entirely indicative of that. I felt strongly attached and secure with her, but something else was going on at the same time. Once in kindergarten, I stole some macaroni that we used for art, and I got caught, so this was reported to the principal and my mom. I am not sure why I took it—maybe I thought my mom needed it to feed us. I also remember taking some Rice Krispies from home, putting them in a bag, and hiding them in the evergreens in front of the house. Was I feeling unsafe or insecure?

I wasn’t close to my father or his new wife. Years later, as I reflect on my childhood, I realise I had been grieving the loss of a normal family, the time I wasn’t with my mom, and the absence of a father figure I never truly had. I had never talked about this until years later in therapy. As a child in the 1970s and 1980s, my feelings did not matter much.

Parents may feel guilt about the separation or divorce but might not understand that their children are grieving as well. Karen’s parents never knew, and she cried by herself, jealous of other families with two loving parents—an emotion she now recognises as a form of grief.

Children Living Between Two Worlds

For children, divorce involves not just family members moving but also strong emotions and significant changes. They must navigate living between two worlds, with parents who may have different parenting styles. Consistency can help, but the transition is still difficult. Adults must understand separation or divorce from the child’s perspective, recognising that while they handle logistics, children are dealing with internal turmoil.

It’s common for separated or divorced parents to not want to hear that their child misses or feels sad about the other parent, leading some children to isolate themselves emotionally. Karen’s story is an example of this. Children may grieve the loss of their family, the daily presence of both parents, and the stability they once had. Relief may come in high-conflict households, but grief can also include sadness, confusion, anger, and fear of the unknown. Addressing these grief-related emotions is crucial to helping children adjust to divorce.

Age-Specific Indicators:

  • Ages 2 and under: Increased fussiness, clinginess, regression.
  • Ages 3-5: Regression, nightmares, aggression, noncompliance, temper tantrums, complaints about stomach.
  • Ages 6-9: Role replacement, feelings of abandonment, clinginess, fear you will disappear, aggression, withdrawal, may blame themselves, possessiveness, psychosomatic symptoms.
  • Early Adolescents: Increased aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, torn between two people, feeling the weight of being stuck in the middle, may take sides, anger, frustration, confusion, hurt, shame (worries about what their friends may think), may play games with parents.
  • Ages 13-18: Aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, possible risky behaviours, may distance themselves emotionally, may have conflicted loyalties, uncertain how to talk to their friends about it, grieve their home and lifestyle, grades may slip.
  • All Ages: Sadness, anger, guilt, denial, fear, psychosomatic symptoms, behavioural problems, aggression, concentration issues, fatigue, withdrawal, low self-esteem.

Emotional Literacy in Grieving Children

These reactions triggered by loss can be overwhelming for children, they often lack the emotional maturity and cognitive development to fully understand or process the feeling of grief. Children often struggle to articulate their feelings and might require guidance and support to navigate their grief in a healthy, productive way. Emotional literacy—the ability to recognise, understand, and express emotions constructively—plays a crucial role in helping children manage their grief. Here are some key benefits:

  • Validation of Feelings: When children can clearly express their feelings, they often feel more in control and understood. Knowing that their emotions are acknowledged and valued gives them a sense of empowerment. This recognition also fosters trust between children and their caregivers, reinforcing the idea that their feelings matter. Stronger emotional bonds with parents develop when children feel heard and understood, providing essential support and love during challenging times.
  • Reduced Anxiety: Understanding emotions can shed light on the complex feelings associated with grief, reducing confusion and anxiety. Expressing emotions can be a calming release, helping children manage anxiety in a healthy way. Children who can articulate their emotions are less likely to feel overwhelmed. By understanding the emotional responses of others, children can approach social interactions and family dynamics with greater ease.
  • Healthy Expression: Emotional literacy provides children with positive outlets for their emotions, reducing the likelihood of emotional outbursts or destructive behaviors. By learning to communicate their needs and feelings effectively, children can build stronger relationships with parents and peers. This emotional intelligence also enhances their ability to resolve conflicts peacefully by understanding different perspectives.
  • Enhanced Coping Skills: Emotional literacy helps children develop stronger coping mechanisms, helping them to face life’s challenges with resilience and adaptability. They are better equipped to solve problems by considering both their emotions and logical reasoning. This emotional intelligence enables children to make balanced decisions.

Supporting Emotional Literacy

Nurturing children’s emotional literacy involves employing intentional strategies that parents can implement to help their children understand and express their emotions in a healthy manner:

  • Modelling Behaviour: Parents can demonstrate emotional awareness by openly expressing their own feelings in an age-appropriate manner. For example, a parent might say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now.” By modelling healthy emotional responses, parents teach children valuable coping skills. Creating an open environment where children can ask questions and share their feelings without fear of judgment is essential.
  • Active Listening: When children express their emotions, giving them full attention is crucial. Using empathetic statements like, “I think you might be feeling sad because of the changes in our family,” shows children that their feelings are understood and valued. Attentive listening encourages open dialogue about emotions and fosters a supportive atmosphere.
  • Labelling and Coaching: Helping children identify and label their emotions is a key step in emotional literacy. For example, if children’s is upset, a parent can say, “It seems like you’re feeling angry.” Discussing the reasons behind these emotions can help children understand their feelings better. Positive reinforcement for expressing emotions encourages continued development of emotional literacy skills.

Strategies to Address Children’s Grief

Providing a Stable and Supportive Environment

Creating a sense of stability and support is crucial for children’s experiencing grief, especially in a coparenting situation. By working together, parents can build a consistent and reassuring environment that helps their child feel secure, even amidst significant life changes.

  • Aligned Messaging: In the delicate process of coparenting, presenting a unified front is crucial. When parents align their messaging, it not only reduces confusion but also eases the insecurities that grieving children often face. Consistent communication about family changes and emotional support signals to the child that both parents are in sync, offering them a comforting sense of security.
  • Shared Emotional Literacy Goals: Both parents should place a high priority on fostering emotional literacy, ensuring they are teaching and reinforcing the same concepts and strategies. By collaborating on how to handle significant events or emotional challenges, parents can prevent mixed signals and reinforce the importance of understanding and expressing emotions constructively. This unified approach ensures that the child receives consistent guidance, no matter which home they are in.
  • Predictability and Stability: Stability is the cornerstone of children’s emotional security, especially during times of grief. Consistency in rules and routines across both households provides the predictability that children need to feel safe and in control. When parents collaborate to establish similar expectations—whether it’s bedtime or screen time—they create a consistent experience that helps the child understand both homes as secure and familiar spaces, reducing any potential for confusion or anxiety.

Communication is Critical

  • Regular Check-ins: To uphold consistency, parents should schedule regular check-ins to discuss their children’s emotional and behavioural progress. Whether weekly or bi-weekly, these proactive discussions allow parents to stay ahead of any emerging issues, preventing minor challenges from escalating into significant problems.
  • Emotional Updates: These check-ins are also a vital opportunity to share updates on the children’s emotional state. By discussing any significant events or changes in behaviour, parents can ensure they are both prepared to respond appropriately and consistently, reinforcing the children’s emotional literacy and wellbeing.
  • Focus on the Children’s Wellbeing: Amidst the complexities of coparenting, it’s essential to keep the focus squarely on the child’s well-being. Conflicts should be handled privately, away from children, to avoid adding unnecessary stress to their emotional burden. By agreeing to present a calm and united front, even during disagreements, parents can shield their children from tension. In moments of conflict, refocusing on the shared goal—supporting the children’s emotional and developmental needs—can guide conversations and decisions toward constructive outcomes.

Professional Support

Undoubtedly, there will be challenges in helping your children navigate a separation or divorce. For the most part, you and your co-parent will be able to guide them through this life-changing event. However, each child’s response to the family transition will be unique. One child may adapt better to the divorce, while another may struggle. At times, it may be best for co-parents to seek support from professionals who can help guide and support their child through the separation or divorce and its effects.

When to Seek Professional Help

There are several reasons why co-parents might consider seeking professional help. As mentioned earlier, children’s behaviors can vary depending on their developmental stage. It is normal for children to regress, show anger, and sadness, or make hurtful remarks during a separation or divorce. These behaviors often stem from their grief over the loss of their previous family structure. However, if these signs become persistent and severe, consulting a children’s therapist may be crucial.

Signs That Professional Help May Be Needed:

  • Persistent Distress: Continuous sadness, anxiety, or upset for an extended period.
  • Significant Behavioural Issues: Dramatic changes in behaviour, increased defiance, aggression, or disruption.
  • Unexplained Physical Symptoms: Frequent complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments without a clear medical cause.
  • Self-Harm or Severe Depression/Anxiety: Talk of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or severe emotional distress.
  • Decline in Academic Performance: Noticeable drops in grades, loss of interest in school, or frequent school-related complaints.
  • Social Withdrawal: Avoiding friends, family, and previously enjoyed social activities.
  • Sleep Disturbances: Persistent nightmares, insomnia, or excessive sleeping.
  • Regressive Behaviours: Reverting to younger behaviours such as bed-wetting, clinginess, or tantrums.
  • Substance Use: Experimenting with drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism.
  • Intense Anger or Aggression: Frequent outbursts, fighting with peers, or defiance toward authority figures.
  • Difficulty with Daily Functioning: Struggling with routines, responsibilities, or loss of interest in activities.
  • Changes in Eating Habits: Significant weight loss or gain, or changes in eating patterns.
  • Excessive Guilt or Self-Blame: Expressing feelings of responsibility for the divorce or ongoing family issues.

Recognising these signs early and seeking professional help can make a significant difference in your child’s emotional and psychological wellbeing during and after a divorce.

Conclusion: Why This Matters

Parenting responsibilities don’t diminish during a separation or divorce; in fact, they often increase as coparenting introduces new and challenging skills. Emotional literacy is crucial—children need to express their feelings about the suddenly changed circumstances and their impact. Parents need to communicate with their children and be vigilant for harmful behaviors.

Coparents must understand that children grieve and that each child’s way of grieving is unique. During separation and divorce, parents are often overwhelmed by the many tasks and emotions involved. Some may feel strong guilt about leaving a marriage and its effects on their children. Many parents may not realise that, although children are generally resilient and able to transition, most new co-parents are unaware of how to effectively communicate with their children during this time.

Whether the relationship ended mutually or not, divorce is overwhelming. Karen’s personal story is not uncommon. This guide, which includes behaviours to watch for, developmental issues at each age, emotional literacy, practical coparenting strategies, and creating a stable environment, provides important steps for recognising and addressing these challenges.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

About Al Huntoon

Al Huntoon is a seasoned social worker with over 30 years of progressive experience in nonprofit leadership, coaching, and conflict resolution. As the founder of Coparenting Connection, he helps parents navigate the challenges of coparenting children from separate homes. Previously, he served as a Child Custody Mediator in the North Carolina’s largest Family Court District where he mediated hundreds of cases in a highly charged legal and emotional environment.

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How To Handle the Gut-Wrenching Questions Kids Ask After Divorce
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How To Handle the Gut-Wrenching Questions Kids Ask After Divorce

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I knew that divorce was going to be painful. I wasn’t naive enough to think I was going to get out of it without intense emotional trauma.

I knew that my life would change financially, that I was going out into the world alone and that I’d lose some of my friends. And worst of all, I knew that my kids were going to have to go through pain, too.

But nothing in the world prepared me for how I reacted when they asked me why we couldn’t stay together.

These questions were unbearable because they tapped into my subconscious judgment about why we couldn’t do it, too.

Out of the mouths of babes

The most gut-wrenching one I can remember was when my daughter, who was four years old at the time, asked why we couldn’t live together anymore.

I felt the familiar grief start to overtake me as I blindly searched for the right words.

“Sometimes two people still love each other, but they can’t live together anymore because it makes them sad”.

She looked at me puzzled and said, “But if you don’t live together, then the kids will be sad”.

It was like a knife going through my heart; I felt physical pain. The hardest part was that I couldn’t just fall to my knees and sob right in front of her. I had to kindly and gently complete the conversation and get on with the twenty jobs I had to do before bedtime. (No breaks in single parenting!).

Then, thankfully, as I sank into bed on my own, I could let the tears flow. That’s how it was in the beginning. Pushing through each hour before I could collapse at the end of the day and fall apart before the alarm went off and I’d have to get up to face another day of holding it together.

The hits kept coming

Not long after that, my son blindsided me. We’d just dropped his friend back home after a visit, and we’d gone inside to say hi and chat a bit with her parents. When we got home, he said, “I wish my parents were together like Abby’s parents. Why couldn’t you and dad stay together?”

I sat there frozen, not even sure what to say. What was there to say? I agreed with him. I wished that he had two parents who were together as well.

Again, I searched for some words, any words that he could try to understand at the age of seven.

“I know you’re sad. I’m really sad too, and I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. You have two parents who love you very much, just like Abby”. Again, I went to bed feeling ripped apart and raw. I was worried sick about what the divorce was doing to us all.

How it’s changed

My son is nearly eighteen now, and my daughter is nearly fifteen. These days, they say it would be weird if their dad and I were still together. They’re used to our new family structure, and they are both happy, thriving, and well-adjusted teens.

Eventually, I started seeing that my kids were okay. With our love, support, and commitment to amicable co-parenting, they made it through our divorce, and although we don’t live under one roof, their family is still intact.

How to manage when they ask these questions

The key to handling these types of comments from your kids is not to panic. Accept that these comments will trigger guilt and pain inside you, but don’t shy away from the conversation.

Although it’s a sad time in their lives, when you acknowledge what they’re going through and admit that, yes, it is sad, you validate their feelings. It would be worse if you tried to brush over it and say, ‘Oh, it’s okay. It’s not that bad having two homes. Everything is pretty much the same’ and then quickly move on.

Or worse. Blame their other parent because you haven’t dealt with your own anger. “Well, if your mother wasn’t such a bitch we’d still be married”. Yes, I know someone whose father said this to him when his parents divorced.

Of course, we don’t want to see our kids go through these moments of expressing their sadness and anger that life isn’t working out how they expected it to. There probably isn’t a harder part of divorce, in all honesty. We want so badly to protect them from going through it, but we simply can’t.

Show your kids that you’re in it together

Kids need to see that you share in their sadness. It should be like a team effort to get through it together. As always, I won’t sugarcoat this fact. It’s f**king painful, f**king hard, and it takes at least two years before it really does feel like you are living your new post-divorce family life with a semblance of normality.

It doesn’t stop there. But those first two years are the hardest for everyone, and it’s usually during these years that you’ll get those types of questions and comments from your children because this is when they are still trying to process reality.

If you’re finding these questions and comments difficult to cope with, make sure you have someone you can contact to help you through the triggers when they come.

Trying to shoulder the burden of your children’s pain while you are in the process of getting yourself through emotional turmoil is not something that should be taken lightly. You need to look after yourself.

Talk to a good friend who has experienced divorce, journal it out, join a divorce support group or work with a divorce coach if you can.

Read books or listen to podcasts that specifically address helping children through divorce. You can never be over-informed about this.

If you have young children, there are a heap of good picture books that can help them make sense of what’s happening and give you some strategies for talking about it with them.

Here’s a link to the 7 Best Children’s Books About Divorce to get you started if you’re interested. Some of them are for older kids, too.

You’ll make it

You can get yourself and your kids through the first few years of divorce with the right game plan and a set of tools and strategies to handle the gut-wrenching questions when they come. Preparation is everything.

In the beginning it feels like coming out the other side is an impossible dream. But there are many, many people who have been able to get their families through divorce and thrive. I’m one of them, and there’s no reason that you can’t be one of them too.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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Navigating Life’s New Chapter After Divorce

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Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Divorce isn’t just the end of a marriage; it’s a profound life transition, requiring not only legal adjustments but deep emotional resilience.

As someone who has been through this experience myself, I understand the complexity of feelings and decisions you face during this challenging time.

For nearly two decades, I have had the privilege of supporting individuals like you in rebuilding their lives after divorce.

Sarah started our session together sharing that she felt lost and overwhelmed after her 17-year marriage ended abruptly. “I was consumed by anger and resentment. I just couldn’t see a way forward, most days, my anger and hurt got the better of me.”

Through our work together, Sarah began to unpack the underlying issues contributing to the breakdown of her marriage. Often, the initial emotions that surface are resentment and anger, signalling deeper hurts such as broken promises and unmet expectations.

By understanding what these core problems were connected to, we were able to turn a painful ending into a source of profound insight and deep healing.

“Working with Johanna helped me see that a lot of my anger was rooted in unresolved issues from my childhood,” Sarah explains. “I realised I had unconsciously repeated patterns that were familiar, but ultimately unhealthy, for me and for our children.

I find that now I can approach my separation and co-parenting with much more clarity. What used to trigger me, I am now able to recognise and respond in a much healthier way.”

Divorce can be a catalyst for invoking deep-seated emotions tied to past experiences.

As we delved into these emotional layers, Sarah and I identified patterns inherited from her family dynamics and previous relationships that had influenced not only the trajectory of her marriage but how she was navigating the separation.

“I never realised how much my parents’ divorce had impacted me until I went through my own,” she says. “It was as if these overheard arguments from my childhood, long forgotten yet my body remembered them somehow and they seemed to reemerge and play out in the breakdown of my own relationship.”

Recovery from divorce is about moving toward a new version of yourself. Who you are now after loving this person, along with what you’ve learned about yourself and your own needs in your loving relationships.

By understanding the family dynamics and personal experiences that have shaped their relationships, individuals can lighten the emotional load and approach future connections with less baggage.

“This journey has been challenging, but I like who I am much more on the other side of my divorce,” Sarah reflects. “I’m not the same person I was before my divorce, and that’s a good thing. I’ve gained a deeper sense of self, and I’m looking forward to starting my next chapter in life.”

Divorce is a significant life challenge, but you don’t have to implement all those changes alone. You are at the crossroads for profound personal discovery and renewal. With the right support and guidance, you can emerge from this experience with a deeper sense of self, a renewed outlook on life, and the tools to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

As Sarah’s story illustrates, the journey of divorce recovery is not an easy one, yet can be a reflective time to embrace who you are now – on the other side of your marriage – with a deeper understanding of yourself and a renewed sense of what is most important to you in life moving forward from here.

Divorce can be the catalyst that sparks your own personal rebirth. Though the road ahead may seem daunting, trust the process, lean on your support system, and be patient with yourself – for the future that lies ahead is yours to create.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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How to Prepare for Divorce: A Comprehensive Guide
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How to Prepare for Divorce: A Comprehensive Guide

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Divorce is a significant life event that can impact various aspects of your life. Many people enter the process without fully understanding its implications, but preparation is crucial. This guide will help you navigate divorce in the UK by focusing on mental, financial, and parental preparation.

Mentally Prepare for Divorce

Divorce can be mentally and emotionally challenging. Before proceeding, ensure you’re certain about your decision. Consider marriage counselling or individual therapy to gain clarity and support.

Visualising your post-divorce future can help you focus on your goals instead of the past. Despite preparation, expect to face difficult days. Develop healthy coping strategies like maintaining physical health, exercising, spending time with friends, and engaging in enjoyable activities. A counsellor or therapist can provide valuable support during this time.

When choosing a divorce lawyer, look for someone who offers both legal expertise and empathetic guidance. A good family lawyer can ease the emotional burden of the process.

Financially Prepare for Divorce

Financial concerns are often the most pressing during a divorce. Early legal advice is crucial to understanding your entitlements and preparing for financial changes.

A family lawyer can help you understand your rights regarding the divorce settlement, the family home, and potential spousal maintenance. Plan for your immediate living expenses, as finalising a financial settlement can take months, and court proceedings may extend this period.

If you’ve depended on your spouse’s income, explore long-term financial support options such as benefits and spousal maintenance. Avoid taking actions that could be perceived as concealing funds, like moving money to a private account, as this can complicate legal proceedings.

Always consult an expert family lawyer before making significant financial decisions.

Parental Preparation for Divorce

For parents, divorce adds the concern of its impact on children and the parent-child relationship. Early agreement on childcare arrangements with your ex-partner can reduce stress for everyone involved. Drafting a formal parenting plan can provide clarity and minimise uncertainty.

Consult a family lawyer to understand your parental rights and ensure the parenting plan is fair and in your children’s best interests. Agree with your ex on what and how to tell your children about the divorce, ensuring they receive a consistent message from both parents.

Seeking Legal Advice

Being prepared for the divorce process and your new life afterward is crucial. Expert advice can make the journey smoother and less stressful. Ensure you choose experienced divorce lawyers who can provide specialist legal guidance for a smooth divorce.

Read more articles by Gemma Scourfield.

About Gemma Scourfield

Gemma is a divorce and family law solicitor with Woolley & Co, Solicitors based in Pembrokeshire West Wales. She has been based in Wales since qualifying in 2007 although has clients throughout the UK and abroad. In 2016, Gemma was accredited as an Advanced Family Law Panel Member with the Law Society which recognises her expertise in domestic abuse and financial relief.

Gemma qualified as a family law solicitor in 2007, she joined Woolley & Co from a regional firm in Wales in August 2021.

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Healing the Hidden Roots of Divorce with 8 Transformative Steps
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Healing the Hidden Roots of Divorce with 8 Transformative Steps

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Divorce can feel like it shatters your world, leaving you adrift in a sea of emotional turmoil.

What if the storm you’re weathering isn’t entirely your own?

What if the undercurrents pulling you under have their origins in the lives of those who came before you?

The science of epigenetics reveals a startling truth … we carry more than just our parents’ physical traits. We inherit their emotional patterns, their fears, their struggles, and their unresolved pain.

These invisible legacies shape our relationships, the way we navigate the stormy seas of separation, and the path forwards to divorce recovery.

Inheriting More Than Brown Eyes, How Family History Colors Your Divorce

Your grandmother, widowed young, faced years of financial strain. Though you never knew her story, you find yourself obsessively stockpiling groceries, gripped by thoughts of ‘what if I don’t have enough’.

This is the echo of your grandma’s life experience, reverberating through time, amplified by your own divorce-induced instability.

You are not destined to drown in this inherited pain or financial struggle. By shining a light on the experiences that live in your family tree, you can break free from family patterns to let go of old baggage and move forward lighter.

Unearthing Your Roots

Your journey begins with exploration.

  • Map out your family tree but seeking out the family stories by asking about any difficulties and life circumstances that might be hidden in old photographs and hushed conversations.

  • Discover what experiences did your grandparents face?

  • How did your parents navigate their own relationship challenges?

  • Do any of them seem familiar to your own struggles or patterns or any uncanny coincidences?

  • Be sure to include the resilience & what family members had to overcome.

As you uncover these buried narratives, let them flow onto the pages of a journal. Don’t simply write about the facts, but most importantly, express how they resonate within you.

Do you see echoes of their struggles, similar situations or circumstances, in your own divorce experience?

Illuminating Your Path

The road ahead may seem overwhelming, but remember, countless others have walked this similar path before you.

There’s wisdom to be gained from those who have studied the generational patterns that we all have within our family. Perhaps by seeking out this knowledge and support, you can begin to untangle the complex web of inherited experiences from your own unique journey.

As you learn to recognise the echoes of your family’s past in your present struggles, you’ll gain the tools to separate your own story from theirs. By embracing this process, you open the door to profound transformation and a future shaped by your own choices, not just your inherited past.

Your divorce, painful as it may presently feel is, presents a powerful opportunity for transformation. It’s a chance to break free from cycles that may have silently shaped your family for generations.

8 Steps To Nurture A Broken Heart

  1. Set aside time each day for reflection or journalling to release what has been held inside, sometimes for years. Free yourself by intentionally letting go of resentments, hurts and old stories.

  2. Consider the connection between your family history and your own experiences. Something powerful can shift within when understanding that some of your deeply rooted patterns may have influenced some of your choices.

  3. Here are some suggested questions for you to explore:

    • Who am I now, after loving this person, sharing our lives together, who am I on the other side of this relationship?
    • What have I learned about myself?
    • How do I relate to love?
    • What have I learned about the parts of myself that I avoid in relationship?
    • What positive parts am I bringing along with me?

  1. Let’s turn your attention towards your body. Take notice:

    • What feelings are you carrying today?
    • Are some weighing you down unnecessarily?
    • Take a moment to take a few deep breaths, give yourself time each day for calming breathing exercises, to gradually lighten your emotional pain.

  1. Step into your financial fresh start. Create an outline that aligns with your newly defined values. This isn’t just about practical needs—it’s about fostering a sense of security and choices that feels supportive to your new life.

  2. Connection is key for healing. You might reach out to dear friends or those you haven’t connected with in awhile. Take a walk or enjoy time in a cafe together.

  3. Practice Self-Compassion. Treat yourself with the kindness you would offer to a friend. This helps break cycles of self-criticism that may be rooted in your family history.

  4. Get clear on what you’d like your next chapter to look like by visualising your future. Spend time imagining the life you want to create as this positive focus can be a powerful motivator during tough times.

By embracing these steps, you’re not merely surviving divorce—you’re sowing the seeds for profound transformation.

You’re cultivating self-awareness, nurturing emotional resilience, and consciously shaping the new chapter of your life.

This journey of growth isn’t just about you; it’s a ripple effect of healing that extends to your children, offering them a powerful example of resilience and the tools required for their own emotional well-being – for generations to come.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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Breaking Down Divorce: Answering the UK's Top Google Searches
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Breaking Down Divorce: Answering the UK’s Top Google Searches

Published on
Lauren Laverick
Lauren Laverick
Solicitor
Beecham Peacock Solicitors

Divorces are an intimidating legal process to those who aren’t in the know – after all, who entering a marriage considers the possibility that so many dread? This leaves many partners feeling blindsided, overwhelmed and turning to the internet for quick answers.

Compared to July 2023, Google searches for “cheap divorce lawyers near me” have risen by 200%. The problem many find themselves in is that the internet can provide inaccurate information, but many solicitors charge for initial consultation calls, and so the costly divorce process begins before new singles can come to terms with their situation.

We have turned to Newcastle family law specialists Beecham Peacock Solicitors for their answers to the UK’s most-searched divorce questions, using Google search data to collate the queries and trusted solicitors to answer them accurately.

How much does a divorce cost?

“There are several factors that can affect how much a divorce costs, mainly depending on whether the divorce sees the inside of a courtroom or if the couple opts for a no-fault divorce,” Beecham Peacock divorce solicitor, Lauren Laverick, explains. “If couples do agree to a more amicable no-fault divorce, the costs will typically comprise of legal advice, drafting divorce petitions and the handling of necessary paperwork. The standard fee when applying for a no-fault divorce is £593 before additional solicitor charges, which will vary depending on your solicitor and case.”

How to get a divorce.

“To start the legal process of filing for a divorce, you first have to check that your marriage meets the minimum criteria: you must have been married for one year, your marriage must be recognised in the UK and either you or your spouse must be living in England or Wales, as separate rules affect Scotland,” Lauren explains. “Thanks to the no-fault divorce system, neither party has to accept any wrongdoing for the breakdown of the marriage.

“Next, you must apply for a divorce application, which can be done by post or through the UK government’s website. This application will ask for personal details relating to the circumstances of the divorce, including children and financial arrangements,” Lauren continues. “This form can be completed by yourself or a hired solicitor. Once accepted, a copy will be sent to your spouse, who must acknowledge receipt of the letter and confirm that they agree.

“If your spouse agrees, the rest of the process comes down to sorting legal documents which can be arranged by your solicitor. If your spouse disagrees, based on grounds of finances or child custody, then these issues must be resolved,” Lauren says. “This is where you can lean on your solicitor to guide you through an amicable compromise, negotiating with your spouse through mediation, collaborative law processes, or if the disagreement cannot be settled, a more costly court hearing.

“Your solicitor will be crucial during this process if it comes to it – they will have your best interests at heart and protect your rights in the divorce process,” Lauren adds. “Once an agreement is made, you’ll apply for a conditional order, the first of two decrees needed to finalise the process. This informs the court that the divorce can proceed based on the information you’ve given. Then, if the court is satisfied, they will issue a certificate allowing you to apply for the final order.

Around six weeks from the completion of the first order, you can apply for the final order – legally ending the marriage. Once this is accepted, you are officially divorced.”

How long does a divorce take?

“The length of the divorce depends on the complexity of the case, mainly dictated by disagreements between you and your spouse in accepting the initial application,” Lauren says. “The average time to complete a divorce procedure is seven months, but this process will rely heavily on a solicitor processing forms swiftly and finding resolutions between disagreements if they arise, which could extend the time it takes to finalise the divorce.”

How many marriages end in divorce?

“The most recent statistics from the Office of National Statistics showed just over 80,000 divorces in 2022. We can work out from this data that 34.2% of marriages, on average, end in divorce,” Lauren says. “That’s lower than the often-heard claim, ‘half of marriages end in divorce’, but it still leaves many disappointed, stressed and emotionally struggling singles who never imagined they’d be in this position,” Lauren continues.

“It’s the lowest number of divorces there’s been since 1972, however. Hopefully this trend continues and there will be more happy couples as the years go on.”

How much does a divorce cost if both parties agree?

“If both parties agree to the divorce and to the terms, then we can assume this question relates to couples who have filed for a no-fault divorce and agree completely on the nuances of the divorce procedure – including details of finance considerations and child custody arrangements with no amendments,” Lauren continues.

“In this instance, the divorce will be completed as quickly as possible and with no court fees. This means that the average cost of an uncontested divorce will range from £600–£2,000, including the £593 government application form. The range of payment will therefore depend on how much your solicitor charges to process the divorce,” Lauren explains.

“This is why it is important to explore your options when searching for a solicitor, finding a balance between someone who you know will represent your interests well and who is also within your desired budget. As with most things, paying someone who can do the job right the first time may actually save you money compared to someone who can do it cheaply but inefficiently.”

Are you currently at the beginning stages of filing for divorce? If so, we hope your process goes as swiftly and as painlessly as possible.

Read more articles by Beecham Peacock Solicitors.

About Beecham Peacock

Established in 1953, Beecham Peacock is one of the North East’s leading law firms with a wealth of experience in a myriad of different legal fields. Its team of expert solicitors includes specialists in wills, trusts and probate, personal injury, family law and employment law. The firm also offers a wide range of other legal services.

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How to Know If It’s the Right Time for a Divorce
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How to Know If It’s the Right Time for a Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Deciding to end a marriage is one of life’s most challenging decisions. While there’s no universal “right time” for divorce – certain signs may indicate it’s time to consider this option. In this article we will explore key indicators and important considerations when contemplating divorce.

Signs Your Marriage May Be in Trouble

Persistent unhappiness is often the first sign that a marriage is in trouble. If you’ve been consistently unhappy for an extended period, despite efforts to improve the relationship – it may be time to reassess your marriage.

This feeling often goes hand-in-hand with a breakdown in communication. When attempts at meaningful dialogue consistently fail or lead to arguments – it can signal a fundamental issue in the relationship.

Infidelity is another major factor that can lead to divorce. Repeated unfaithfulness or an inability to rebuild trust after infidelity can be deal-breakers for many couples. Even more serious is the presence of abuse in a relationship. Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, like financial control, should never be tolerated and is a clear sign to seek help and consider leaving.

Sometimes, couples find themselves growing apart due to diverging values or goals. If you and your spouse have fundamentally different life aspirations or core values that can’t be reconciled, it may lead to irreconcilable differences.

Red Flags That Shouldn’t Be Ignored

A complete loss of intimacy, both physical and emotional – can indicate a deep disconnect between partners. This lack of closeness often signals that the relationship has moved from a romantic partnership to a mere cohabitation arrangement.

Addiction issues can also strain a relationship beyond repair. Untreated substance abuse or other addictive behaviours not only affect the individual but can have devastating effects on the entire family unit.

Financial problems, particularly financial infidelity or constant money stress – can erode trust and stability in a marriage. Persistent financial dishonesty or unresolvable conflicts over money management often lead couples to consider divorce.

Some couples stay together solely for the sake of their children. While considering children’s well-being is crucial – remaining in a dysfunctional marriage may not be in their best interest long-term. Children are perceptive and can often sense tension and unhappiness between their parents.

If you’ve exhausted all options – tried counselling, communication strategies, and other interventions without success – it might be time to consider separation or divorce.

Important Considerations Before Deciding

Before making a final decision about divorce, it’s crucial to seek professional help. Engage in marriage counselling to explore all possibilities for reconciliation. A trained therapist can provide valuable insights and tools to help you navigate your relationship challenges.

Consider a trial separation. A period of living apart can provide perspective and clarity on the relationship. It allows both partners to experience life without the other and can sometimes rekindle appreciation for the marriage or confirm that separation is the right choice.

Consulting a divorce solicitor is also an important step. Understanding the legal implications and potential outcomes of a divorce can help you make a more informed decision. A solicitor can explain your rights, potential financial impacts, and issues related to child custody if applicable.

Lastly, take time for self-reflection. Consider your own needs, well-being, and future goals. Think about what you want your life to look like in the coming years and whether your current relationship aligns with those aspirations.

Final Thoughts

The decision to divorce is deeply personal and should never be made hastily. If you’re consistently feeling that your marriage is beyond repair and is causing more harm than good – it may be time to seriously consider your options.

Remember, seeking professional guidance can help you navigate this difficult decision and its aftermath.

Whatever you decide, prioritise your well-being and that of any children involved. There’s no shame in ending a relationship that no longer serves you – just as there’s value in fighting for a marriage that still has the potential for happiness and growth.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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Divorce and Separation Checklist
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Divorce and Separation Checklist

Published on
Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Since the changes to divorce law (in England and Wales) on 6th April 2022, it is now relatively straight forward for individuals to obtain a divorce on-line. The welcome changes have helped parties to navigate the divorce process in a more simplified way meaning individuals going through the divorce process no longer have to consult a divorce lawyer.

Whilst the new ‘fault free’ divorce law has been beneficial to divorcing couples in saving costs and reducing conflict, there are a worrying number of individuals who now take no legal advice whatsoever. This is concerning in relation to dividing the family finances as becoming divorced does not ‘close off’ financial matters and therefore financial claims are often left open, with the individuals blissfully unaware.

Therefore we would always advise individuals going through divorce to have at least one session of legal advice so they have full knowledge of the perils and pitfalls of divorce.  Below are some key points :

Seek early legal advice

It is important to seek legal advice early.  An initial consultation can be invaluable and is often much less daunting than one might think. Family lawyers are very ‘normal’ people who will listen and not judge.

Therapy/ counsellor

If there is a possibility of getting the relationship back on track, a joint marriage counsellor or therapist may be useful. If the relationship is over, an individual therapist or counsellor can help individuals to work through the issues surrounding the separation and to help to deal with the transition.

Try to keep things amicable

Try to be pragmatic and reasonable where possible as this will make the separation much easier to deal with. Try and work together, particularly where there are children involved. Arguing over minor issues and matters of principle will increase conflict, stress and costs, and is rarely productive.

Living arrangements

Consider where both parties will live. Will this be in the same house together?  Sometimes this will be a necessity and is another reason to try and minimise the tension.  Alternatively, if one person will leave then a plan should be put in place for who that will be, where will they go and how two households will be funded.

Arrangements for children

The initial arrangements for the care of the children will be a priority. Take time to consider when and where they will see each parent.  Having an agreed plan in place from the offset will ensure it is as stress-free as possible for the whole family.  A parenting plan could help – Parenting Plan – Cafcass – Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service

Reaching agreements

If a financial agreement is reached between the parties, ensure the agreement is formalised in writing, and embodied into a Financial Remedy Order. If the agreement is verbal or not formalised in the correct way, beware – it will not be a binding agreement.

Alternatives to court

There are many alternatives to Court which should be considered to avoid court and reduce the tension, particularly where there are children involved.

Do not forget about pensions

The sharing of pensions is just as important as the sharing of capital assets such as property and must not be overlooked.  A Pension on Divorce Expert may need to be involved.

Financial and tax advice

It may be useful to speak to an accountant in relation to capital gains tax issues, for example, if more than one property is owned or if one party moves out and lives elsewhere, there could be adverse tax consequences.

Wills

It is important to consider making or updating any Will previously made to ensure that those named to inherit are still correct. It is also worthwhile considering death in service benefits under any pension provision.

This article is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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Understanding Divorce Grief: 6 Key Insights
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Understanding Divorce Grief: 6 Key Insights

Published on

Can divorce be as tough as a death loss?

During my studies in thanatology, the subject of grief and loss, I encountered differing viewpoints on whether divorce can be as tough as a death loss for some people. As a certified thanatologist who has worked extensively with individuals facing both divorce and death loss, I avoid judging which of these emotional journeys is harder, as each holds its unique challenges and emotional impact. What I have come to recognise over time is that both experiences share definite similarities as life’s most significant stressors, particularly within the realm of grief. My practical experience in the grief field, having worked closely with individuals navigating through divorce and coping with death loss, enables me to empathise and connect deeply with the complexities of the divorce experience as well as the deep pain of a death loss. In both, there is the profound sense of loss, emotional upheaval, and the journey of healing that individuals may encounter, which in both cases is a unique and personal experience.

Divorce is a deeply emotional journey that can manifest in many ways

For some, the experience resembles a slow decline, similar to dealing with a lingering chronic illness that eventually reaches its end after years of struggle by one or both parties. On the other hand, some face the abrupt collapse of an unexpected divorce, leaving them bewildered by the sudden loss of what they ‘thought’ was a stable relationship, or even if they had an idea the marriage was not in great shape they had not thought their partner wanted a divorce. These diverse paths of divorce highlight the complexities of human relationships and the range of emotions individuals may encounter when navigating through the challenging process of untangling their lives from a once-shared bond. Understanding the profound impact of divorce on individuals and families is crucial, as it shapes the way we approach support, and have empathy for those going through this life-altering experience.

In divorce, the experience of grief varies for each individual

It is the death of a relationship, yet both parties continue living on. In the realm of grief, this is termed ‘ambiguous loss,’ denoting the person’s physical presence but lack of psychological or emotional connection. It can be challenging to process, as the person remains in your life but in a different role, often limited to co-parenting communication. This situation can be especially difficult for some divorcing couples who once relied on each other but now have minimal contact. Some may feel relief, while others may feel profound pain and difficulty. Both the initiators and the ones that were left do generally grieve, just at different times in the marriage and divorce process.

Divorce encompasses multiple losses

It is necessary to reorganise boundaries and establish new ways of communication with the former partner to name a few. These profound changes and layers of loss often go unnoticed or underestimated, making the process complex and delicate to navigate. Most divorcing people have to go through a lot on their own without much support. In the aftermath of a divorce, it’s crucial to acknowledge and understand the grief that accompanies this significant life change. Each person copes differently and may require support to process emotions and adapt to new circumstances. Practicing self-compassion and patience with oneself and your children during this challenging time can facilitate healing and growth as both individuals move forward with their lives apart from each other.

Another critical aspect of grieving during divorce is recognising that you are indeed grieving.

Many people have come to me, unsure if what they’re feeling qualifies as grief. They may be experiencing anger, not realising that anger can be a form of grief too. It can stem from feelings of loss of control over your life and the drastic changes happening. Grief can manifest in different ways.

Grief has physical, cultural, social, emotional, physiological, and behavioural aspects

Some symptoms can be digestive issues, sleep disturbances, weakened immune system, deep sadness, moments of relief, headaches, changes in behaviour, feelings of isolation, and even jealousy towards seemingly happy married couples. Understanding these various manifestations can help you identify and address your grief more effectively.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on  Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

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New Beginnings with Divorce
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New Beginnings with Divorce

Published on
Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce can be a catalyst for starting a new life – a chance to discover new interests and rediscover talents. Passions may have gotten put aside or buried in a turbulent marriage or divorce. Dust off the clarinet. Dig out your paint brushes. Get in touch with what you want to do with this new chapter in life.  For example, one recently divorced woman got back into her hobby of pottery. Now her lovely pieces are sold in various venues. Another person had dabbled in painting as a young adult. Post-divorce, she made this her full-time profession.  She is so happy and claims she owes this career change to her divorce.

Time to put yourself first

You may have put other people before you. Take care of yourself and do what you want to do. This means saying “No” to requests of your time and energy. No explanations are required. When you are over extended, you have less energy and your health can be affected. The stress of the divorce process is compounded when trying to live up to other’s expectations and doing too much. Nurture yourself during proceedings.  Set limits on your time in regards to helping others. It is harder to make a new beginning when bogged down with too many unnecessary obligations.

Take baby steps with change

Think about what you enjoyed in the past. What gives you pleasure now? How can you incorporate them into your life? Start by adding them into your schedule, the same as you do for appointments and work commitments. Put at least one fun or pampering activity in your calendar daily. Nurturing yourself helps lower your stress hormones, which makes it easier to try new endeavours .

Be open to opportunities

Consider taking a class which will benefit you professionally or personally. This can help initiate a new career path or different job. I took the opportunity to join Toastmasters when running into some of the members unexpectedly. This opened up doors to speaking internationally in fun locations.  Try new things when you have the opportunity. You broaden yourself and do not have to stick with anything for life. A friend offered me her drum set after my divorce. I took her up on it, and discovered a new passion. Take advantage of what comes your way.

A change of environment

Sometimes after an acrimonious divorce, moving away is what is needed to start over. Going back to the same cafés etc. where you went as a couple, can keep you rooted in the past.  A friend and his wife moved to a small town from London. After several years there, they divorced. Dylan felt that he could not escape her. Going to familiar places were a trigger for feeling her energy and not breaking free. He wanted a new life. Only when Dylan relocated and began a relationship with a lovely woman, was he able to start a new chapter in life.  New surroundings can be freeing from the past.

Break Free

Ask yourself what seems to be your stumbling block from having a new beginning. Even if something sounds bonkers, think about it. One man interviewed, said that his hair was a history to his past. After a horrible break up, he had all his hair cut off. He regrew it and feels no ties to his past and is living a new chapter. Do what it takes so you start anew.  Some people have changed their names post-divorce, not just the surname. Others have started new lives by going to retreats or an ashram. Travelling internationally and mingling with other cultures broadens one world and view point. This is what helped me have a new beginning and career.   Think about what excites you and go for it!

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.

Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again. She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com     

She writes the Jack Jack The Cat series for children.

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What is Parental Alienation & How to Spot the Signs
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What Is Parental Alienation and How to Spot the Signs

Published on
Kate Banerjee
Kate Banerjee
Partner
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

Parental alienation is a particular family dynamic that can emerge when parents separate, in which the child becomes hostile and rejects the other parent.

It  can occur when one parent or carer expresses freely and persistently unreasonable negative feelings or beliefs such as anger or fear towards the other parent.

Such toxic behaviour is often disruptive to the child’s actual experience with that parent and can cause widespread, long-lasting damage to relationships between children and parents.

Parental alienation is a contentious term, many in the legal world are reluctant to use the term parental alienation because of its contentious background. Whatever the view of this contentious pattern of behaviour, parental alienation by its ordinary meaning is often an accurate description of the action of a parent either  consciously or  unconsciously.

Our Children’s Department – which always puts children’s best interests first – has witnessed the detrimental effects of this damaging pattern of behaviour on children and parents who are at the receiving end.

Parental Alienation Day, which took place on April 25, has been raising global awareness of the issue which affects millions of parents and children worldwide and can lead to a gradual corrosion of relationships.

What are the signs of parental alienation?

  1. When a parent forbids or tries to restrict their children from seeing the estranged parent
  2. When a parent tries to convince their children that they would be better off not seeing the estranged parent
  3. When a parent prevents their children from talking about their estranged parent
  4. When a parent constantly criticises the estranged parent in front of their children
  5. When a parent makes up and relays negative actions/stories about the estranged parent to their children
  6. When a parent implies to their children that the estranged parent does not care for them

Time and opportunity are often lost and further damage can be  done to a relationship between the parent and a child if action isn’t taken.

How parents can manage and try to avoid alienating behaviour

We urge parents everywhere to set aside their frustrations and resentment to always make their children’s wellbeing a priority – no matter how acrimonious their relationship breakdown has been.

They can do this in the following ways:

  1. Think before you act about how your behaviour is affecting your children
  2. Make your children’s present and future emotional and physical a priority at all times
  3. Always remember that children of all ages, particularly teenagers, are vulnerable to emotional manipulation
  4. Avoid criticising your ex-partner in front of them and tell them how much both parents love them
  5. Never encourage your children to take your side against your ex-partner
  6. Take an interest in what your children do with your ex-partner
  7. Set up a parenting plan with your ex-partner to ensure effective communication and planning

If you, your ex-partner or your children are struggling with the separation, we advise seeking expert advice, in some cases fast action is necessary to avoid seriously harmful outcomes for children.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Kate Banerjee

A widely recognised leader in Children Law, Kate Banerjee heads Jones Myers nationally and internationally renowned Children’s Department. She is highly experienced in cases which include contact and residence disputes and child protection law.

Kate also has extensive expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit. She is also a Member of the Child Care Panel representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities, and children.

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Relationship and Power Dynamics on Divorce: Tips for Handling a Separation
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Relationship and Power Dynamics on Divorce: Tips for Handling a Separation

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Katy Duff
Katy Duff
Solicitor
Burgess Mee Family Law

Power dynamics within a relationship often continue to play out during and after a separation. This can make coming to a final agreement about children or finances challenging even with the advent of no-fault divorce. The following tips are useful to keep in mind when you are going through a separation and things can feel overwhelming.

It is not ‘aggressive’ to instruct a lawyer

It can take real strength and courage to make the decision to separate, likewise to instruct a solicitor to help you through the process. Seeking a professional’s help to guide you is entirely sensible and reasonable. It should empower you to think about next steps, the future and what is right for you.

Focus only on what you can control

It is not a valuable use of your time and energy when trying to separate and heal to predict or anticipate your ex-partner’s/spouse’s behaviour, as this will  cause unnecessary worry and stress for you. Rather, your focus should be on navigating your own way.

Don’t negotiate against yourself

Don’t  stop yourself from putting forward proposals or requests that are in your interest because you think they will not be accepted by your ex-partner/spouse. With the support of a professional team, you will be aware of all the different options open to you. This should allow you to feel comfortable in what you are suggesting, knowing that in doing so you are still working towards a practical solution for everyone.

Identifying difficult behaviour

It can be hard to manage difficult behaviours from your ex-partner/spouse after you separate, but. you do not need to do so alone. You should speak to your solicitor about any particular concerns and how you expect your ex-partner may react to a suggestion or a proposal. Professionals can guide the case forward with a better understanding of when challenging conduct may arise and how this might feed into wider patterns of behaviour.

Delegating management of the short term

Once patterns of behaviour are identified they can be navigated. Your solicitor should give thought to how final orders (in children or finances matters) will operate when professionals are no longer involved. For example, clear and ambiguous wording will be needed to make clear the terms of an agreement so that you are not embroiled in lengthy and difficult correspondence when implementing an order or discussing the practicalities for handovers at the weekend. This will only foster continuity and stability so that you and your children feel certain about the arrangements. You should speak to your solicitor about any points you think will be tricky in future and they should do the same.

Make the process work for you

Difficult personalities may deliberately time emails and correspondence to you or your solicitor at awkward moments to disrupt arrangements or your general wellbeing, i.e. a letter changing contact arrangements on the cusp of the weekend or a proposal for financial settlement sent late on a Friday afternoon. To prevent this, you can discuss and agree adopting a working practice with your solicitor. For example, you could ask that correspondence received on a Friday afternoon is sent to you on a Monday unless it is absolutely critical for your attention that day. This will allow you to prioritise and reclaim your time and space. Trust your solicitor to let you know whether you need to see something today or first thing next week after you have had two days to pause and reflect.

What about controlling or coercive behaviour?

Controlling or coercive behaviour is an act or pattern of acts of threatening, humiliating or intimidatory behaviour designed to make a person subordinate, isolated and frightened. It is insidious, unacceptable conduct that no one should have to tolerate, involving  behaviour that goes beyond typical disputes in a separation.

If abuse is identified as an element in a case you can work with your solicitor to ensure the risks to you, your children and your case overall are managed appropriately, in order to protect and prioritise the wellbeing of you and your family. The legal system should not be used to perpetrate further abuse and the courts are increasingly sensitive to litigation being weaponised in this way.

You should be able to participate in discussions, negotiations and or proceedings without risk or fear for your mental, physical or economic wellbeing or that of your children. Attention to detail and a wider understanding of historic behaviour is key to helping your solicitor in understanding the situation. This will allow them to tailor their approach and ensure you receive the support you need throughout your separation.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Be positive but realistic

Even the most straightforward separation can often throw up unexpected and unforeseen issues. Your solicitor is there to guide you through divorce, but no two cases are ever the same. You are at the start of the rest of your life and that will take time. There will be delays, deadlines and counterpart solicitors who simply don’t respond. Sometimes it will be slow. Your solicitor will be doing all they can to keep you out of court (or they should be) and if they’re not, they should be explaining why, so that you know what the next step looks like. Court should always be a last resort but don’t overlook it as an option and a way to put in place a timetable that you and your partner can work towards with consequences if you don’t.

Seek support

You should feel supported at every stage as you move forward with the next stage of your life. There are many specialist organisations and professionals with particular understanding of the difficulties inherent in relationship breakdowns. There is no shame in seeking additional professional support including from a therapist, divorce coach or independent financial advisor (and your solicitor will be able to refer you to their connections in these spheres). They will also be alert when it sometimes may not be obvious that help is needed, so be open to exploring those options. Having a network of friends, family and professionals on hand can be key to guide you through the challenges of the process of separation and divorce and get you safely to the other side.

Read more articles by Burgess Mee Family Law.

About Katy Duff

Katy Duff is a solicitor at Burgess Mee, an award-winning specialist family law firm in London. Katy advises on a broad range of issues including divorce, matrimonial finance, financial claims for unmarried parents and matters involving children. She has specialist experience of cases with issues of domestic abuse. She is co-chair of Resolution’s National Domestic Abuse Committee.

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