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Divorcing? Reach a Financial Agreement for the Best Outcome

Published on
Zarira Love
Zarira Love
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Agreeing isn’t easy when you’ve split, but it has many advantages.

Financial agreements spare you the slog of a drawn-out divorce process, helping you save money and many headaches.

What is a divorce financial agreement?

A divorce financial agreement covers, in writing, how spouses who are ending their marriage will divide:

  • Property
  • Pensions
  • Savings
  • Investments

Agreements may also address spousal maintenance, stating the amount and how long it is to be paid.

To make an agreement legally binding, you must apply for a consent order.

To make sure your spouse can’t pursue you for more money, you can get a clean break order. This severs all financial ties between you and your spouse, and makes it so neither of you can hassle each other for money later on.

What is a child maintenance agreement?

If you have children, you might also agree on child maintenance.

A child maintenance agreement covers:

  • Who pays maintenance
  • How much they will pay
  • How often it’s paid
  • The payment method

It could be a standalone agreement or part of your agreed parenting plan.

Convincing your spouse to negotiate

If there are hard feelings between you and your spouse, you won’t be too eager to sit down at the negotiating table. Set aside your differences and focus on the positives of agreeing.

Get a faster resolution

If you litigate, the court’s calendar will dictate the pace of your case.

Agreeing means you can resolve things on your own time — and you’ll usually get an order sooner.

Even if you don’t reach a full divorce settlement, your case will still go quicker since you already addressed finances.

Save money

It’s common for spouses to rack up several thousand pounds in solicitor and other fees. Long, drawn out cases can even reach six figures.

Exact costs vary case by case, but alternate methods of dispute resolution are much cheaper than litigation.

  • Direct negotiations: You’ll sit down with your spouse and work out your financial agreements. Essentially, you don’t have to pay anything for the negotiations.
  • Negotiations with a solicitor: A solicitor provides guidance as you work out your agreement. They will also put your agreement in writing. Costs are generally around £3,000.
  • Mediation: A neutral third party will help you and your spouse find common ground so you can agree. On average, mediators charge about £100 to £300 per hour. If your financial situation is simple, the entire process could be less than £1,000.

You’ll save even more by splitting costs with your spouse.

Control the outcome

You and your spouse will have the final say on your financial arrangements. You can customise your agreement to suit your unique needs.

For example, instead of setting a specific amount of child maintenance, you can state the parent will pay for certain expenses, like the child’s schooling.

Preserve decorum

Trials are contentious. If you didn’t already have a fraught relationship, going to court could give you a negative opinion of your spouse.

Negotiating shows grace and a willingness to move on. This is essential if you have children. Agreeing on financials will let you practise compromise which might make it easier to collaborate on decisions related to your child.

Preparing for negotiations

Spouses must disclose all financial assets and liabilities.

You might need to consult an expert to get an accurate portrait of your finances. For example:

  • An estate agent or a chartered surveyor to determine property value
  • A forensic accountant to assess the value of a business
  • An actuary for a report on pension funds

It’s possible to split the costs for these services with your spouse.

Create a written proposal to show your spouse what you believe is fair to help move negotiations along.

Once you’ve agreed, you’ll file your agreement with the court.

Your court-approved agreement goes into effect immediately. You’ll have the peace of mind that the financial parts of your divorce are settled.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Navigating the School Holidays as Separated Parents

Published on
Sophie Croft
Senior Associate
Stowe Family Law – Newcastle Office

When parents separate, one of the most challenging aspects to navigate is how to manage child arrangements, especially during school holidays and when planning holidays abroad. These times, which should be filled with joy and relaxation for children, can often become a source of tension if not handled thoughtfully. In this article, we’ll explore practical ways to approach these arrangements, keeping the child’s well-being at the heart of every decision.

School Holiday Arrangements: Finding Balance

School holidays are a time when children look forward to a break from their usual routines, and they often provide an opportunity for quality time with both parents. However, for separated families, deciding how to share this time can be tricky. The key is to focus on creating a plan that works for everyone, especially the children.

A common approach is to split the school holidays equally between parents. For example, at Easter each parent has one week each and during the summer holidays each parent has 3 weeks. Some families choose to split longer holidays, such as Christmas, so the children can spend time with both parents. For instance, one parent might have the children for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, while the other has them for Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day.

Flexibility is crucial here. Life is unpredictable, and plans may need to change. Open communication between parents can help avoid misunderstandings and ensure that the arrangements remain child-focused. It’s also important to consider the children’s preferences, especially as they grow older. They may have their own ideas about how they’d like to spend their holidays, and involving them in the conversation can make them feel valued and heard.

Planning Holidays Abroad: What to Keep in Mind

Taking children on holiday abroad can be a wonderful experience, but it does require careful planning when parents are separated. The first thing to remember is that if you share parental responsibility, you’ll need the other parent’s consent to take the children out of the country. This applies even if the trip is just for a short holiday.

When discussing holidays abroad, it’s helpful to provide as much detail as possible. Share your travel plans, including dates, destinations, and accommodation details. This transparency can help build trust and reduce any concerns the other parent might have. It’s also a good idea to agree on how you’ll keep in touch while you’re away, so the other parent can feel reassured about the children’s well-being.

If there are concerns about the children being returned to the UK after the holiday, it’s worth discussing safeguards. For example, some parents agree to provide written confirmation of their return plans or even financial guarantees. While these measures might not always be necessary, they can help ease anxieties and ensure that everyone feels comfortable with the arrangements. In more extreme cases, an application to Court can be made for an Order prohibiting a parent from permanently removing a child from the UK.

Keeping the Child’s Well-Being at the Centre

At the heart of all these arrangements is the need to prioritise the child’s well-being. School holidays and trips abroad should be opportunities for children to relax, have fun, and create happy memories. To achieve this, it’s important for parents to work together as a team, even if their relationship is no longer intact.

Children thrive when they feel secure and loved by both parents. By showing a willingness to cooperate and compromise, parents can create a positive environment that allows their children to enjoy their time with each parent without feeling caught in the middle of any conflict.

It’s also worth remembering that children pick up on tension between their parents. If disagreements arise, try to resolve them away from the children. This not only protects them from unnecessary stress but also sets a positive example of how to handle challenges constructively.

What to Do If Things Go Wrong

Despite everyone’s best efforts, there may be times when disagreements arise, or plans don’t go as expected. If this happens, it’s important to stay calm and focus on finding a solution that works for everyone.

To resolve matters negotiation is a great tool. This can either be negotiation between yourselves or you may choose to have a family or friend to mediate. Alternatively you can instruct a solicitor to write to the other party setting out your proposals in the hope of reaching a resolution.

Mediation can be a helpful way to resolve disputes, providing a neutral space where both parents can discuss their concerns and work towards an agreement. Mediation involves a trained third party assisting and facilitating the discussion between you with the aim of reaching a resolution. Mediation is a voluntary process and you will not be legally bound by the decision made.

If an agreement still can’t be reached, it may be necessary to make an application to Court for a child arrangements order or a specific issue order if you are disagreeing about a particular holiday you wish to take with your child. While this can feel daunting, it’s worth remembering that the focus will always be on what’s best for the child. Courts encourage parents to work together wherever possible, and any decisions made will prioritise the child’s welfare above all else.

Child arrangements orders also provide you with a clear and concise legally binding order setting out the holiday arrangements. This can avoid disputes and conflict arising in the future. It also provides you with some reassurance as if a child arrangements order is breached, an enforcement application can be made to the Court. The court has robust enforcement powers. These include imposing unpaid work requirements, varying the order, or referring parents to parenting programmes. For example, if a parent fails to return a child from a holiday abroad, the court may impose sanctions to ensure compliance with future orders.

Final Thoughts

Navigating child arrangements after separation is rarely easy, but with open communication, flexibility, and a focus on the child’s needs, it is possible to create arrangements that work for everyone. School holidays and trips abroad should be times of joy and connection for children, and by working together, parents can ensure that these moments are as special as they deserve to be.

About Sophie Croft

Sophie Croft is a Senior Associate at Stowe Family Law, based in the Newcastle office. Sophie covers all areas of divorce in her practice, and specialises in children matters. She deals with complex children cases including situations involving allegations of domestic abuse. Sophie is a Resolution accredited specialist in private children law, and private law children proceedings. She is known for her empathetic, listening ear and her clear, strategic advice.

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No Child Should Be a Case Number: When a Child’s Future Is Decided in a Courtroom in 40 Minutes

Published on
Kristyna Hawkett
Family Mediator and Founder
MinusOne Mediation

Every three months, more than 14,000 new disputes between parents about their children are brought into the court system in England and Wales, affecting over 20,000 children¹.

Let’s just stop and think about this. No child should be a case number. And yet, in practice, that is often what they become – part of a process designed to manage disputes, not childhoods. While the number of cases is unsettling, it is even more concerning that, inside the family court, a judge may have less than an hour – sometimes as little as 40 minutes – to move a case forward.

Forty minutes.

That’s less time than most families spend deciding where to go on holiday. Less time than a single school lesson. Less time than it takes to watch an episode of a television drama that, ironically, often portrays the very system parents find themselves in. And yet, some people continue to treat the court process as the default route for resolving parenting disputes.

Private law children’s cases are rising steadily. Behind each application is not just a legal issue, but a family in distress, often already struggling to communicate, regulate emotions, or make decisions together. And very often, it’s not as complicated as it first appears. It’s two parents stuck in conflict – hurt, frustrated, and often angry, reacting to each other, rather than stepping back and thinking clearly about what their child actually needs.

Of course, there will always be cases where court involvement is necessary, and where there are safeguarding concerns or risks that require clear legal intervention.

But for many families, that is not the starting point. Parents don’t enter the system thinking they are doing anything wrong. Most come in believing they are protecting their child or doing what they believe is right.

Frustration, hurt and anger can begin to shape how parents speak to, and about, each other. Over time, this can influence how a child experiences both parents. And this is where things become more complex because in the middle of conflict, perspective tends to shift. What may begin as two parents trying to do what they believe is best for their child can, over time, move further away from the child’s needs and deeper into conflict.

A court order can decide where a child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, and how decisions are made. But it doesn’t teach people how to parent together. It doesn’t help when a teenager suddenly refuses contact. It doesn’t ease the tension. It doesn’t prepare parents for the everyday realities of birthdays, new partners, changing routines, or a child trying to adjust between two homes.

At best, a court order gives structure. But real life doesn’t follow a timetable. And still, many parents come away believing that once the order is in place, things will fall into place too. Often, they don’t.

One of the biggest misunderstandings in family disputes is the idea that someone has to be right. But parenting after separation isn’t about winning. It’s about adjusting. Children don’t benefit when parents become fixed in their positions. They benefit when parents can stay flexible and keep talking, even when things are difficult.

But going through a court process together doesn’t always support that. In many cases, it can make it harder for parents to work together afterwards. This is where the system often falls short. Because while the legal process focuses on evidence, statements, and outcomes, children need something different: stability, understanding, and the sense that both parents can still work together, even if they’re no longer together.

For many parents, the legal process itself becomes an additional barrier. Legal terminology, let’s call it “legalese”, can feel overwhelming, confusing, and inaccessible for those without a legal background. Parents are expected to navigate complex procedures, interpret formal documents, and make important decisions, often without fully understanding the implications, at a time when they may already be struggling themselves. Parents are asked to make long-term decisions while everything still feels uncertain.

When parents have the right support around them, they are better able to think clearly, communicate more effectively, and make decisions that their children can actually live with. The end of a relationship is not the end of a family. It is a restructuring. And that restructuring doesn’t stop once the paperwork is signed or the order is made. In many ways, that’s when the real work begins.

Co-parenting is not a static arrangement – it evolves over time as children grow, circumstances change, and new challenges arise. Yet ongoing support for families after separation is often minimal. We prepare people for the legal process. We rarely prepare them for what comes after.

If the goal is truly to prioritise children, then we need to rethink how we approach family disputes. We need to move away from the idea that resolution is something imposed from the outside, and towards approaches that empower parents to create sustainable, workable solutions themselves. This is not about limiting options for families, but about expanding them.

It’s about recognising that while courts have an essential role, they are not designed to meet the full spectrum of needs that separating families experience. And perhaps most importantly, it’s about acknowledging that children should be spared unnecessary conflict wherever possible.

The reality is clear. The system is under pressure, and families are left to navigate a process that was never designed to support them holistically. But there is another way. One that looks at how families can resolve disputes without going through the court process and instead focuses on supporting parents to make decisions together in a way that works for their children. One that recognises that the long-term wellbeing of children depends not on court orders, but on the quality of the relationships around them. Because in the end, the question isn’t whether the court can make a decision. It’s whether that decision will truly help a family move forward. And in many cases, the answer may be more uncomfortable than we expect.

So where in the process are parents shown how to actually make it work afterwards?

 

  1. Ministry of Justice,Family Court Statistics Quarterly, January–March 2025 and July–September 2025.
    Cafcass, Management Information and Demand Data (2025).

 

About Kristyna Hawkett

Kristyna Hawkett is a family mediator and founder of MinusOne Mediation. She works with separating parents to reduce conflict and support more constructive, child-focused ways of moving forward. She helps parents navigate both the divorce process and what comes after, when day to day co-parenting becomes the real challenge.

Email Kristyna Hawkett: kristyna@minusonemediation.com

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‘I’m Keeping the Kids!’ – What to Do If Your Ex Won’t Return the Children After They Have Spent Time With Them

Published on
Francesca Dooley
Trainee Legal Executive (Associate Member)
Family team, Birketts LLP

Worried because your ex hasn’t returned the children after they have spent time/lived with them? Francesca Dooley, Trainee Legal Executive in the family team at Birketts LLP, explains your legal options, when to call the police, and how a family solicitor can help.

When a co‑parent refuses to return the children after an agreed period of spending time/lived with, it can be frightening, stressful and emotionally overwhelming. Many parents are unsure what their rights are, or what practical steps they can take in the moment. This guide explains the legal position, what you should do straightaway, and the options available to help you restore normal arrangements as safely and quickly as possible.

Is it against the law if my ex doesn’t return our children?

In England and Wales, the law treats this situation differently depending on whether there are existing court orders:

  • Where there is a Child Arrangements Order in place
    If a Child Arrangements Order (CAO) is in place setting out the time the children live with/spend time with each parent and the other parent does not adhere to this then they are in breach of the court order. This is a serious matter, and the court can enforce the order. However a parent can admit to breaching an order if they say they have a reasonable excuse for example that there is a safeguarding reason not to return the children to the care of the other parent.
  • Where there is no court order
    If no CAO exists, the police are limited in what they can do unless there is an immediate safeguarding concern. Both parents typically have parental responsibility, which means each parent has the right to have the children with them unless a court order says otherwise. A parent can’t ‘kidnap’ their own child/ren. The police may do a welfare check, but generally are not keen to get involved.

However, refusing to return the children can amount to child abduction if one parent removes the children without consent and without a reasonable excuse from the jurisdiction of England and Wales.

Step 1: Try to Make Contact and Stay Calm

Although emotions run high, your first step should be to:

  • Attempt contact with the other parent by phone, text or email
  • Ask for a clear explanation of the delay
  • Keep records of all communication

Often, misunderstandings can be resolved without escalation, but documenting everything is important if the matter goes further.

Step 2: Consider Contacting the Police

The police can intervene in some circumstances, such as:

  • Where a Child Arrangements Order states the child/ren are to be in your care
  • Where there is a risk of harm/safeguarding reasons
  • Where a parent threatens to take the children out of the jurisdiction
  • Where the children have been taken by someone without parental responsibility

Police may use their powers under the Child Abduction Act 1984, but they will generally try to encourage the other parent to comply voluntarily.

If there is no immediate risk, the police are likely to advise you to seek legal advice/a Family Court remedy.

Step 3: Seek Legal Advice Quickly

A family law solicitor can advise on:

  • Applying for a Child Arrangements Order (if none exists)
  • Enforcement of an existing CAO
  • Prohibited Steps Orders, preventing removal of the child
  • Specific Issue Orders, addressing particular disputes
  • Emergency remedies where the child’s welfare is at risk

Early legal advice is key to preventing the situation from escalating.

It is important to protect a child from conflict and any communications with the other parent should set out the child’s experience of this conduct, and the impact that they were no doubt expecting to come back to the care of the other parent. Further that there should not be conflict at school (parents jostling to collect a child/ren), nor should a child be kept out of school.

Step 4: Apply to the Family Court (Urgently If Necessary)

If your ex continues to refuse to return the children or there is a safeguarding concern, you may need to apply to court.

Emergency Applications

You can apply without giving notice to the other parent if:

  • You believe the children are at immediate risk
  • The other parent has threatened to take them abroad
  • There is a history of non-return

The court can make urgent interim orders for the return of the children. They are generally very reluctant to do hearings without notice to the other parent. They will list at short notice instead. There are special provisions in the law relating to fear that a child may be taken out of the country to have female circumcision for example.

 Enforcement Applications

Where a CAO has been breached, the court can order:

  • Warning notices
  • Unpaid work requirements
  • Compensation for financial loss
  • Varying the existing arrangement, including changing where the child lives in serious cases

The court’s focus will always be on the child’s welfare, not punishing parents but repeated non-compliance is taken seriously. However as set out above a parent will be asked if they had a ‘reasonable excuse’

The family court is reluctant to make punitive orders, including for costs as the general rule is no costs are awarded in children proceedings.

Step 5: Consider Mediation (If Safe to Do So)

If there is no immediate risk and communication is still possible, mediation can help resolve:

  • Return arrangements
  • Future contact schedules
  • Handover arrangements
  • Holiday contact and communication

Mediation is voluntary but often quicker and less stressful than court.

How to Protect Yourself Against Future Problems

You can help prevent future issues by:

  • Having a clear, written agreement
  • Using shared parenting apps to record communication
  • Requesting a Child Arrangements Order to formalise living and spending time with arrangements
  • Seeking a Prohibited Steps Order if you fear the children might be taken elsewhere

A structured plan reduces the chance of disputes and provides clarity for both parents.

When to Seek Help Immediately

Contact a family solicitor or the police urgently if:

  • Your ex refuses to disclose your children’s location
  • You suspect they may be taken abroad
  • There is domestic abuse
  • The children are at risk of harm

You do not have to navigate this situation alone.

How Our Firm Can Help

We can support you with:

  • Emergency court applications
  • Enforcement of existing orders
  • Drafting clear and robust contact arrangements
  • Advice tailored to your family’s situation
  • Representing you in negotiations or court proceedings

Our priority is to protect your children’s welfare and help you restore stability as quickly as possible.

About Francesca Dooley

Francesca is a Graduate Member of the Chartered Institute of Legal Executives (MCILEX) and joined Birketts as a Trainee Legal Executive in May 2023. She works within the Family Team in the Ipswich office.

Since July 2024, Francesca works closely with Katie Beaven, Juliet Harvey and Ivana Radovic assisting them in providing divorce advice, financial remedies, separation advice/deeds, dissolution of civil partnerships, children arrangements, prenuptial agreements and post-nuptial agreements.

Francesca also deals with surrogacy, private adoption matters, declarations of parentage, as well as platonic co-parenting arrangements.

Francesca was previously working in Birketts’ Property Litigation Team, assisting individuals with high value and complex property disputes. This experience has refined Francesca’s ability to assist clients in resolving their disputes, whether through court or via Alternative Dispute Resolution, and be a source of support when emotions are running high.

Francesca is currently studying with CILEX Law School to qualify as a CILEX Lawyer. Francesca has completed both the Foundation Stage and the Advanced Stage and is now in her final year studying the Professional Stage. Prior to joining Birketts, Francesca has gained over 12 years’ experience working as a Paralegal and assistant in areas including Mental Health Law and Dispute Resolution.

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The Document That Could Decide Your Divorce: What You Need to Know About Mortgage Capacity Reports

Published on
Byrne Harris CeMAP
Mortgage Capacity Report Expert
RI at Cornerstone Finance
Founding Member of helpnetwork.co.uk
Affiliate of Resolution and the Expert Witness Institute.

Divorce is one of the most complex events most people will ever go through, and the list of forms and documents can feel overwhelming, but there is one document that often carries more weight in determining the financial outcome of a divorce than almost anything else.

The Mortgage Capacity Report – Understanding what it is, how it works, who can produce one — and crucially, how to challenge one — could make a significant difference to your settlement.

What Is a Mortgage Capacity Report?

A Mortgage Capacity Report sets out, in formal terms, how much each party in a divorce is realistically able to borrow as a mortgage in their own right. This sounds straightforward, but the implications are enormous.

When a court — or a mediation process — is deciding how to divide the matrimonial home and any other assets, it needs to know what each party can afford going forward. Can the spouse who wants to keep the family home genuinely raise the finance to buy the other out? Can the departing spouse afford to purchase a new home of their own? With a room for each dependent? The answers to these questions directly shape who gets what.

This is why the report is so powerful. It is not a vague estimate or a solicitor’s opinion — it is a formal, detailed assessment of borrowing capacity that courts and mediators treat as authoritative financial evidence. Get it right, and it supports your position. Get it wrong — or allow the other party’s report to go unchallenged — and it could shape your financial future for decades.

Only a Qualified Mortgage Professional Can Write One

This is one of the most important points to understand: a Mortgage Capacity Report cannot be produced by a solicitor, barrister, or any other legal professional. The law may be their domain, but mortgage lending is not.

The report must be written by someone holding a CeMAP qualification — the Certificate in Mortgage Advice and Practice, which is the industry-standard professional qualification for mortgage advisers in the UK. CeMAP-qualified professionals understand how lenders assess affordability, how income is stress-tested, how credit profiles affect borrowing limits, and what lenders will and won’t accept. That specialist knowledge is what gives the report its credibility and authority.

These Reports Are Not Beyond Challenge

Here is something that many divorcing individuals — and even some legal professionals — do not fully appreciate: Mortgage Capacity Reports are not regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) in the same way that mortgage advice itself is. This matters for one very important reason: They can be challenged. In other words, if their final affordability seems far too low, speak up.

There are two distinct ways to question a report:

  1. The information that was provided to the report writer by your ex. A report is only as reliable as the data it is based on. If income figures are incomplete, if financial commitments are inflated or if the numbers are just wrong? — the conclusions drawn from that data will be flawed. Identifying what information went into the report, and questioning its accuracy or completeness, is a legitimate and often effective line of challenge to be directed at your ex.
  2. The conclusions the writer reached. Even with accurate data, two qualified professionals can reach different conclusions, i.e. optimistic or pessimistic, but if a report does not clearly explain why the assessed borrowing capacity falls below what the standard rule of thumb would suggest — typically 4.5 times gross annual income — then the methodology itself is open to scrutiny. A well-constructed report will walk through this reasoning explicitly: what an age over 47 will bring it down, how debt level and credit score can impact affordability, etc. If that explanation is absent or unconvincing, the report’s conclusions can be directly challenged. In addition, the writer must demonstrate that they had access to the whole market, state clearly that their primary duty is to the court, not the subject of the report, and include a ‘statement of truth’.

This is why the quality of a report matters as much as who wrote it. A good Mortgage Capacity Report is not just a number — it is a reasoned, evidenced analysis that can withstand scrutiny in a formal legal context.

You Can Commission a Report on the Other Party

Many people are surprised to learn this, but it is entirely legitimate to commission a Mortgage Capacity Report on your spouse or former partner — not just yourself. If the other party is claiming they cannot afford to buy you out or is arguing that their borrowing capacity is severely limited, you do not have to simply accept their report at face value.

Using the financial information disclosed in proceedings — which both parties are legally required to provide — a qualified mortgage professional can independently assess what the other party is genuinely capable of borrowing. If that assessment differs significantly from the one they have submitted, it becomes a powerful piece of counterevidence in your case.

This is not about gaming the system. It is about ensuring that the financial picture presented to the court or mediator is accurate, not artificially inflated or deflated to gain an advantage in the settlement.

What Does a Report Cost — and What Should You Expect?

The cost of a Mortgage Capacity Report varies considerably across the market. At the lower end, reports can be obtained from around £99. At the higher end, some providers charge upwards of £400. The price does not reflect the quality — what matters is whether the report is thorough, clearly reasoned, and written by someone with the right qualifications and genuine lending market knowledge.

  1. Ask whether the report will clearly explain any gap between the 4.5x income rule of thumb and the actual assessed capacity.
  2. Ask whether the writer has experience of producing reports for divorce proceedings specifically — this is a different exercise from standard mortgage advice, and experience in the legal context matters.
  3. Ask whether the report will hold up to the kind of scrutiny described above.
  4. If you really want to save time, ask them about Rule 25.3 of the Family Procedure Rules (FPR) 2010. If they can’t answer, hang up and find another supplier.

A report that is poorly constructed, light on reasoning, or based on incomplete data could harm your position. The investment worth making is in a report that is done properly — one that gives a court or mediator everything they need to understand and rely on the conclusions it reaches. A nice bonus is to have it formatted as a regular legal document.

Do Not Let This Document Be an Afterthought

Divorce proceedings involve a great deal of paperwork, and it is easy for individual documents to get lost in the noise. The Mortgage Capacity Report should not be one of them. It directly determines what each party can afford, shapes how property is divided, and carries real evidential weight in front of a judge.

It is a document that requires a qualified specialist to produce, that operates without the safety net of FCA oversight, and that can be challenged — and successfully challenged — if the information it contains or the conclusions it draws do not hold up to scrutiny.

Whether you need a report for yourself, want to commission one on the other party, or need to assess whether a report already in proceedings is as robust as it should be, taking this seriously is one of the most important financial steps you can take during your divorce.

About Byrne Harris CeMAP

Mortgage Capacity Report Expert, RI at Cornerstone Finance, founding member of helpnetwork.co.uk , affiliate of Resolution and the Expert Witness Institute.

After arranging mortgages exclusively for divorcees for many years, Byrne has become an expert on Mortgage Capacity Reports and understands what a critical tool they can be if produced, used and understood correctly.

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Do You Have to Use AI in Your UK Divorce?

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

UK solicitors, including those in family law firms, are using diverse AI tools in 2026. If you hire a solicitor, they’ll likely make some use of AI in your case. Exactly what use may be appropriate will vary depending on your situation. If you’re representing yourself, then it’s up to you what technology you use to organise your information and present your case to the court.

If you have legal representation

Family law involves the physical and emotional safety and overall well-being of adults and children. The tools that today we call “AI” can’t replace human sensitivity and expertise in this area. Legal experts do, however, use AI to enhance their research process and their judgments.

Many law firms use specialised AI systems that train on legal documents. These systems are called Retrieval Augmented Generation (RAG) because they retrieve specialised data to generate text. These systems are more accurate and effective than generic chatbots that train on whatever text they can scrape or are fed. RAG minimises what are called “hallucinations,” that is, words that do not correspond to reality.

Some AI tools are designed to give risk assessments — for example, about possible threats to a child’s well-being. These tools can be biased, insofar as there can be bias in data they reference or in how they are coded. Other tools are designed to help adults negotiate a financial compromise by predicting what they’ll settle for. This can speed up mediation or arbitration in family law.

A September 2024 survey conducted for Clio, a legal technology company, found that nearly all UK law firms were using AI in some way. Drafting documents was one of the most common uses. Most solicitors who were surveyed said they felt their use of AI did not make them more productive, improve their work quality, reduce their stress, or even save them time. They may have meant that they used it often and it wasn’t helpful, or that it was helpful but they didn’t yet use it often. Most reported that their firms intended to increase their use of AI.

One reason law firms use AI is that they know other firms are using it. The availability of AI resets expectations for what kind of legal representation is adequate. A solicitor is professionally obligated to represent their client competently; therefore, they may use AI especially if they believe it could help their client win or lower their client’s legal bills.

There is even an AI-only law firm, Garfield AI, the first of its kind in the UK. However, it doesn’t practice family law. It generates letters to recover small debts. If you seek help from a family law firm, there will be a human involved in the process.

 

If you’re handling your court case on your own

Simply because “you don’t know what you don’t know,” try to at least consult with a legal expert if at all possible. They can let you know if they anticipate you might need to pay attention to a certain topic or if you might encounter something complex. If you can’t afford the help you need, see if you qualify for legal aid. Be aware that a designated assistant called a McKenzie friend can come to court with you.

Divorces and cases for child arrangements are stressful. Reading and writing can be part of that stress, and sometimes people look for ways to smooth the path. A basic AI program can help you summarise a stack of documents, draft a letter, change your text to make it sound formal for court or simple enough for a child to understand, or translate between English and another language.

Even so, don’t rely on AI to do all your research and communication for you. Remember that AI can overlook important information, suggest wording that’s false or otherwise inadvisable for you to say, and miss the nuance of what others have said. There are many reasons not to make a parenting plan with AI — for example, you’d be better off using a template that has a history of being accepted in court. And you’ll want to make your own schedule carefully so you know exactly what parental responsibilities you’re promising, down to the hour.

Don’t ask a mainstream AI platform like ChatGPT for legal advice. Though it may be able to generally describe the law where you live, it could leave you with inaccurate impressions, as it has likely trained on information about the United States and other countries. Secondly, no AI program begins with any unique facts about your case, like the real reason you broke up with your ex or what homework help your child needs. Before it could even begin to summarise your situation, you’d have to provide a lot of private information, which you might not feel comfortable providing to an AI company. And even with that information, a basic AI text generator might not be able to help you protect yourself or strategise.

 

Choose how to organise and present your own information

You and your children deserve to put your best foot forward and make your strongest possible case in court. A solicitor, if you hire one, will have ideas about how to do this, and they’ll likely use AI in some way. If you’re representing yourself, you can make your own choices about how you’ll comply with court requirements.

Everyone who goes to court can use technology to stay organised. You’ll likely want to record your living expenses, save your text messages with your ex, and format a professional-looking document. There’s software for this, like Custody X Change and other co-parenting apps, that doesn’t involve “AI.”

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Reclaiming Work After Divorce – Rights, Reality and Rebuilding Identity
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Reclaiming Work After Divorce – Rights, Reality and Rebuilding Identity

Published on
Stephanie Cohen
Stephanie Cohen
Peter Burgess
Peter Burgess

How legal fairness and personal reinvention work together on the journey back to work

Article written by Peter Burgess, Senior Partner at Burgess Mee and FMC Accredited Mediator, and Stephanie Cohen, Career Coach and Founder at Passenger to Pilot.

The legal approach to maintenance

Over the last 25 years, we have seen a sea-change in the world of work and the relationship between careers and parenting. The seminal House of Lords decision in White v White in 2000 introduced the idea of a partnership of equals between husband and wife.

But although equality is now the lodestar for how financial division is carried out, there is one area in which parties are rarely equal.

Cases such as  SS v NS in 2014 saw the courts refine their approach to maintenance. After years of ‘joint lives maintenance orders’, maintenance is now assessed through the framework of being rehabilitative and needs-based, for fixed or extendable terms only.

The job market in a post-Covid world

In the post-Covid world, we are on the cusp of further changes to work, with the advent of AI and automation likely to make many traditional career paths redundant. This makes life even more complex for those looking for work after an extended period out of the job market. For a wife (as is still often the case) who finds herself at the end of a long marriage with children who becoming more independent, there is an expectation that she must find work to support herself within a short period of time, perhaps with some retraining. Typically, salary figures of between £20,000 and £40,000 per annum would be mentioned, depending on professional experience.  A spouse is therefore placed in the position of seeking work, coming to terms with the end of a relationship, while often bearing the brunt of childcare. It is no mean feat.

Returning to work after divorce: A different reality

Once that shift in legal framework is understood (the shift away from joint lives maintenance, the focus on rehabilitation and the expectation that an individual will return to work) a different reality enters the picture.  The law can assess needs and acknowledge career sacrifice, but it cannot account for a person’s internal experience as they must now rebuild or inhabit a working identity.  This is where financial fairness and emotional readiness often fall out of sync.

For many clients who seek out coaching, the private moment when they realise they must re-enter work feels less like a practical task and more like an existential one.  After years spent centring the home, children and a partner’s career, many describe their sense of professional self as being diminished or absent.  Even those who remained employed throughout the marriage often speak of a subtler erosion where confidence has shrunk, they feel “behind” professional peers or overwhelmed from the strain of holding down a job while carrying the weight of personal lives unravelling.   On paper their professional selves are intact, but privately they feel depleted or disconnected from the work they once did successfully.

This emotional landscape at this stage is often hidden in the legal process and can be best described as a complex mix of fear, fatigue and (sometimes) a flicker of excitement. Re-entering the workplace or shifting career goals can raise fears about being competent enough in a world that has moved on, as well as fatigue from the prolonged emotional labour of a marriage’s demise.  There can even be a fragile excitement about the possibility of reclaiming or redefining a career that feels like their own.  This is why returning to work, though originally framed as a financial step, can often also be an act of self-care, agency and identity repair.

Redefining career goals: a reset moment

As is often the case in advisory work or mediation, what is reasonable in legal terms may not always feel manageable in human terms. A timeline for returning to work can feel insurmountable to someone who has not inhabited their professional self in years or who has simply been surviving at work.  This can often be a disorientating experience. Bridging the gap works best when a client can take an approach that is both steadying and clarifying.  In our respective fields, our work starts with helping clients assert their legal rights and restoring the internal capability to live a full and self-actualised life.

In coaching, for example, that often begins with helping individuals understand who they are now as a professional, rather than who they once were. We explore the attributes that remain strong, those that are dormant and the new ones emerging in the wake of such significant personal change. Through our engagement, the process of “starting again” becomes a more grounded rediscovery of confidence and authorship. Clients who have been absent from the workforce entirely begin to see paths back in.  Others renegotiate flexible work so they can rebuild at a humane pace for themselves and their families.  Those who stayed in work can find steadiness and a renewed sense of themselves.

Exercise by Stephanie Cohen: Reclaim Space

Often, the turning point is not cognitive but embodied.  I use a simple exercise called “Reclaim Space”, where I ask my client to step into a busy lift, standing in the centre rather than the corner, and holding their place as others move around them.  No apologising. No shrinking.  Just quietly occupying their place in the world and giving themselves permission to do so.  What initially feels uncomfortable, for many becomes the first moment they feel themselves reappear after years of contraction.  From that point, returning to work (or returning presence to work) becomes more than an obligation.  It becomes a way back to self.

Read more articles by Peter Burgess.

About Peter Burgess

Peter co-founded Burgess Mee in 2013 after starting his legal career at Withersworldwide. With over 20 years’ experience in family law, he is recognised as one of London’s leading divorce lawyers, advising on high-value financial cases and complex children matters, including international relocations. He is also an FMC Accredited Mediator. His expertise has earned industry-wide recognition, including in Spear’s, The Legal 500 and Chambers UK. He is a Fellow of the International Academy of Family Lawyers and serves on Resolution’s National Committee. Peter has acted in significant reported cases, including Cazalet v Abu-Zalaf [2023] and AH v BH [2024], and co-authored International Trust and Divorce Litigation. He also co-created resources such as Within the Window and The Happy Co-Parent to support clients who are navigating trauma and co-parenting.

Visit Burgess Mee
Connect with Peter on LinkedIn

About Stephanie Cohen

Stephanie Cohen is the founder of Passenger to Pilot, a career coaching and advisory practice supporting senior leaders and high performers navigating transition, identity shifts, and high-pressure professional environments. She brings over 20 years of leadership experience at the highest levels of financial services and regulation, having previously served as Global Chief Operating Officer for BlackRock’s investment businesses and as an Executive Director at the UK Financial Conduct Authority. Drawing on this background, Stephanie now works with clients across sectors and regions to rebuild confidence, clarity, and professional presence during periods of change, including returning to work after divorce, career breaks, or significant personal upheaval. Her coaching approach blends strategic insight, psychological depth, and lived senior leadership experience to help individuals regain authorship of their careers.

Visit Passenger to Pilot

Connect with Stephanie on LinkedIn

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Why TOLATA is a Necessary Safety Net for Modern Relationships
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Why TOLATA is a Necessary Safety Net for Modern Relationships

Published on
Gary Hall
Gary Hall
Litigation Solicitor
Clough & Willis

When relationships end, property disputes have a way of cutting deeper than just financial loss; they strike at security, fairness, and dignity. For unmarried couples, this reality is especially stark. Unlike divorcing spouses, who benefit from a robust framework under family law, cohabiting partners are left to navigate the cold, often unforgiving provisions of the Trust of Land and Appointment of Trustees Act 1996 (TOLATA).

TOLATA was designed to provide clarity but in practice it often highlights just how outdated our legal approach to modern relationships really is. Cohabitation is now one of the most common living arrangements in the UK, yet the law continues to treat these partners as legal strangers once the romance fades.

On the surface, the Act gives people a route: apply to the Land Registry, unearth dusty transfer documents (TR1/TP1), argue about whether property was held as Joint Tenants or Tenants in Common, and if no agreement can be found then let the courts decide. There is logic here, yes, but also an uncomfortable rigidity. The law presumes fairness based on technical ownership structures, rather than lived reality. Did you pay the mortgage single-handedly after your partner moved out? Did you invest in renovations to increase the property’s value? TOLATA can, through equitable accounting, adjust the balance but this is not guaranteed, and the process is far from simple.

And then there’s the elephant in the room: cost. While mediation is encouraged, the truth is that many disputes end up in court. Formal proceedings mean solicitors’ fees, valuations, mortgage statements, and the stress of disclosure. For ordinary people, this can feel like justice is accessible only if you can afford it.

In my view, the Act functions as a necessary safety net, but it is not a true reflection of the way we live today. The fact that someone can share years of their life, pour money into a shared home, and still walk away empty-handed because their name isn’t on the title deed is not just a legal technicality, it’s an injustice.

It’s time to ask whether we need more than TOLATA. Shouldn’t the law recognise the reality of cohabitation more fairly, without forcing people to piece together claims from constructive trusts and equitable accounting? Relationships may end, but fairness should not.

Until reform comes, TOLATA remains both a lifeline and a warning: if you live together but remain unmarried, your legal rights are fragile, and you must take steps like signing a Declaration of Trust before love clouds the paperwork.

About Gary Hall

Gary joined Clough & Willis in January 2025. He brings with him over 28 years experience working as a solicitor and previously as a Director at Rothwell and Evans solicitors. He has also headed up teams as Head of Litigation Wills and Probate.

His areas of work include:

  • Wills, Trust & Probate Litigation
  • Company & Partnership Law including Shareholder, director and partnership disputes.
  • Contract Disputes – Disputes arising from commercial contracts and between private individuals from what may appear a relative small sum to the multi-million pound claim
  • Property Disputes including landlord & tenant, boundary disputes, possessory title and rights of way.
  • General Litigation –Insolvency, Bankruptcy and Winding Up
  • Applications under the Trusts of Land and Appointment of Trustees Act 1996.

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Reclaiming Your Identity and Finding Joy Again

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Despina Mavridou
Despina Mavridou
Author, Mediator, Lawyer

I want to talk about this not as an adult who went through a divorce, but as a child who lived through her parents’ divorce. I share this perspective because I want parents to understand how vital it is to rediscover themselves and find joy again in the aftermath.

During my parents’ divorce, both of them lost their sense of self. I know this not only because they admitted it, but because I have so many memories of being caught in the middle—trying to mediate their conflicts and fix things no child should have to fix. I remember my dad’s visits, and how my mum would ask me what he said in response to the message I had delivered from her. The heartbreaking part was that my dad would then give me a new message to pass back to her.

Do you know how hard it is for a 13-year-old girl—someone still trying to figure out who she is—to act as a messenger between two adults? Especially about things like, “Why don’t you pay child support?” or “Why won’t you sign over to the kids the properties we bought during our marriage?” No child should have to carry the emotional weight of adult issues.

I still remember how sad that first Christmas after my dad left was. My mum cried constantly. She was heartbroken and lost, and that made me feel desperate and powerless. I was just a child—I didn’t know how to help, and there was nothing I could do to make things better.

Parents need to remember that children don’t have the option to walk away. But believe me, if they could, many would—because no child wants to be in the middle of their parents’ pain, to hear constant accusations, or to be told they’re “just like” the parent who left or betrayed the family.

When you spend your days criticising the other parent and then tell your child they resemble that person, you’re sending a painful, unspoken message: “You might hurt me the same way they did—and I don’t like you because you remind me of them.”

The result of being caught in the middle of my parents’ high-conflict divorce (amicable only on paper) was that I lost myself in the process. You see, I was an introverted child, labeled the “strong one.” Many relatives told me I had to protect my mum because she was alone and had been betrayed by my dad. All of this left me with no space to understand how I truly felt about either of them. The voices and opinions of my parents, grandparents, and uncles drowned out my own. I didn’t have the space to breathe, reflect, or simply feel.

Especially when it came to my dad, I couldn’t tell what part of my pain was mine and what part belonged to my mum. It took me years to untangle that—years to recognise the trauma both of them, in their own ways, caused me. It took me years to trust another person.

When I was proposed to, I didn’t say yes right away. Unlike others, I didn’t feel joy—I felt fear. The proposal brought back all the memories and emotions from my parents’ divorce. The idea of marriage terrified me, because I associated it with loss, pain, and betrayal.

Even now, at 44 years old, with a family and a child of my own, I still struggle with the emotional aftermath. I don’t have the courage to ask my dad to meet his new family—the woman he left my mother for, and with whom he’s been together for more than 20 years—because part of me feels that doing so would be a betrayal of my mum. The truth is, I don’t want a relationship with that woman, even though she is part of my dad’s life. But I would like to meet his son—my half-brother—and I would like my daughter to know her grandfather. Still, the guilt lingers, reminding me that I lost a piece of myself in my parents’ divorce.

So please, if you’re a parent going through a divorce, remember this: finding joy again isn’t just for you—it’s for your children, too. When you reclaim your identity and start to heal, you create a space where your kids can also feel safe, loved, and free to discover who they are—without carrying your pain.

Written by Despina Mavridou, author of the book “Mum, Dad, Can You Hear Me?” She shares her personal story through her writing and her book to help parents understand the unseen impact of divorce on their children—and to remind them that healing themselves is one of the greatest gifts they can give their kids.

Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

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Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?
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Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?

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James Pirrie
James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

Let’s not sugar coat it, this question “what do I do now?” (at the moment you know you will separate) is the single most important question you will answer in this whole chapter of your life. There will be a lot of other questions that you will be coming to, but get this one right and you should be able to avoid the unreasonable positioning and exhausting demands of a slow process that will cost eye-watering amounts, to achieve to your best possible outcome.  

Here are my ten top tips from helping clients through this part of their lives for the past forty-something years.

1. Ensure you are safe 

Ensure your safety and the safety of your children.  If there is a risk to this then it will dictate how you address the rest of these tips.

Safety at the end of a relationship is a whole topic on its own and planning for it will depend on your situation.  In controlling relationships, it is likely that a whole range of strategies will have been put in place around you by your prospective ex, with the intention of making it impossible for you to go.  The single most important thing is to reach the realisation that yes you are going to leave – it is then about getting the support to manage your way out of the maze. If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit.  Everything follows from this.

2. Manage your emergencies

In the same way, some separations have emergencies – personal safety is the most important.  Others can include:

  • jurisdictional races (where one of you could start proceedings in a different country, you may need to act quickly to ensure your divorce takes place where your needs and those of the children will be met favourably)
  • a child being taken abroad to separate them from you (child abduction)
  • information or assets being hidden or disposed of 
  • your being isolated from funds.

Some of these you can address in part – or at least make easier – but many of them are going to require immediate professional help, probably from a solicitor.

The rest of the “to-dos” are subject to emergencies – sometimes you won’t have time to plan your best path, you will feel bounced around by circumstance. Just carry on trying your best, accepting where you are and planning from there. 

3. Consider couple counselling

If there are no safety concerns, this is a consideration that you should not skate past. I have worked for too many people who have said their ex has come back to them some years down the road saying “I got it wrong – I don’t know what I was thinking- is there a way back for us?”. For me that points to a missed opportunity for some serious conversation around what was not working in the relationship and each person’s capacity for change. Of course, the result may still be that you decide to separate, but talking things through a counsellor is also likely to reassure and make for better progress if you do decide to part. 

4. Be kind if you can

So often, perhaps when people come to me midway through, they seem to be in a terrible situation, which they are finding hard to understand. There might be brutality around disclosure or how the finances are being managed for the interim or how arrangements are being set around the children. It is all a bit destructive and aimless, which is a surprise as they’re decent people. So, what went wrong?  Well usually it is about how things started.  

Actions like deception and adultery matter (see my blog here on this very point) – perhaps not to the professionals who know the courts don’t care, but they really matter to the person being deceived and to their kids when they find out.  Brutal and sharp separations are like throwing a huge slab of concrete into a small pond – the splash and ripples are going to play havoc for a while and in unexpected ways.  Stepping out slowly and gently with empathy respect and understanding, can help everyone get through to the smart choices more quickly.

5. Start early

It follows that planning and starting early is usually a positive too, you can pace things more calmly. You don’t find yourself suddenly desperate that it all has to be sorted by the weekend. (That “I have just had it up to here” moment). It also means that you are less likely to be bounced into the “well I am leaving you” discussion at the worst of times in the heat of an argument.  These things are going to be tough and thinking about how to do it in the best way, in the calm, will pay dividends.

6. Get support

All of that is going to point towards you getting individual support.  So many  people say “I don’t need that fluffy stuff …” or “we are not getting back together”. But that is not what this is about. It is about understanding where your ex is and what they are going through. It is about helping you to think of this from their side to be able to move things on in the best way possible. It is tough.  It is practical. It is also short term and goal-oriented.

Find the right support and you will be challenged to do this well, but also supported to do so.  That’s why I recommend that you get professional support – not just support from your mates or family:

This is the other response to my recommendation of professional expertise is “well I am talking to my friends.” The problem with relying solely on friends and family is that:

  • They care too much and as such, are likely to operate like an echo chamber for you: they want to be supportive and are likely to tell you what they think you want to hear – which is not always what you need to hear
  • They may bring their own unresolved personal issues to the conversation and that is not helpful 
  • They don’t have the training to help you process everything in a constructive way 
  • Their advice is likely to be on the hoof, quick answers without the depth of consideration that is really needed
  • You may find yourself managing your choices to keep them satisfied.

Without meaning to cast aspersions on your inner circle, you are also sharing confidences with them which may well be shared with others. 

I could go on but in essence, therapists are likely to be the most valuable in monetary terms. Find the right one and use them.

7. Think and write

So you know you are going to need to get some advice and guidance (how else are you going to have the anchor of knowing your rights and obligations – how else would you recognise a good deal?). Lawyers charge by time and will read a well-organised briefing way quicker than they can ask questions and you answer them. Many firms will have an information gatherer on their website. If you want to get the most from your time with a lawyer and keep costs time, you would prepare:

  • A balance sheet of where you are now:
    •  who is in the family and who are the relatives and important other people in your lives
    • all the dates and details that are going to be needed such as when the relationship started, was formalised and ended
    • and yes those financial numbers all pinned down so far as known. 
    • In addition there will be descriptions of what is going on – what everyone is like; how are your children doing, pictures etc.  
  • An account of how you got here this is likely to take in your families of origin, education, careers, first homes, challenges and so on
  • And then the quick fire document for a first call: The super brief summary and a clear vision of what you want and what you think are the hurdles to getting there.

Indeed sometimes I think that this last piece of knowing what you are needing is the single most important piece of work that will be in your briefing for the next step.

8. Find the right professional

This can feel like a minefield. There are directories ranking legal professionals, but they may not be your best starting point.  What you are likely to want is that skilled professional whom you trust because they get you and their values resonate with yours, simple as that.  

When you are researching there will be lots of focus on who does what process and your head can spin with the terms likely to be coming at you:  negotiation/ collaborative/ co-operative/ one lawyer/ together/ amicable/ litigation/ mediation/ child inclusion/ hybrid/ integrative, but that shouldn’t be your worry: Your job is to be clear about your needs (those hurdles you identified at stage 7), not the process (which is what the professional brings to accommodate them). It is the professional’s job to show that they have heard you and to explain their recommendation.  If you are convinced, you have the start of your plan. If you are not then say so – if you are not heard, you may not be in the right room so think about moving on now.  

It is why you might do well to choose a professional who is serious about all the different ways of doing things – it will ensure you are presented with all the options. Many lawyers will only have one qualification, permitting them to negotiate your case  with the court as a fall back and the court is the last place most people want to end up.  If your lawyer doesn’t know, isn’t familiar with and doesn’t use collaborative, mediation or arbitration  then just have in mind that these ways that might suit you better will probably not be on the menu for discussion.

9. Be brave …ish

Sitting down to talk with your ex may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, and of course you shouldn’t compromise safety, but for most people, a professionally assisted conversation with a neutral person (likely to be in mediation – but potentially “one lawyer”) is likely to be the fast route to finding the best solution. Your ex is likely to have a view of what they think the outcome should be and they are going to hang onto it until you can show that you have heard them. It is much harder to do this if your discussion is via letters and emails being fired between lawyers from their respective trenches a seeming “safe” distance away from each other.

The right mediator will help you both to manage a safe and productive conversation even in difficult situations. There would be an assessment and  intake process (called “a MIAM”, standing for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) when you can gather an understanding of what mediation would be like and talk through whether it is for you. In fact, you are required in most situations to have this meeting even if you wanted ultimately to go to court and I would encourage you to enter this meeting with an open mind as there is a lot of flexibility in mediation and other processes which may mean they are better for you.

10. Think kids

So obvious you may say it didn’t need saying. Where you have children, they are likely to be the lens through which all of this is viewed, you will consider your children:

  • when you take steps to start
  • in how you manage the relationship with your ex (because you are usually going to be co-parenting long term so you will not want to lay waste to how you talk to each other)
  • in the choices you make (for example the geography of your homes and family-friendly career-choices)
  • in the timing of any new relationship
  • in how you work out care and decision making: your children are part of each of you, they need safe arrangements to have a relationship with each of you if possible – and ideally each of you supporting the other to be the best parent you can be.

There is a lot to consider and it is all too easy to delay. But whether this relationship is your future or not is for you to decide and in your heart you will know the answer to that (especially if you have been through tip 3).  

If this relationship is not working and can’t be made to work, it is unlikely to be the best example of “adult relationships” for your kids, but beyond this, please don’t become that person I see so regularly who says “now I know about it all, I should have done this a decade ago, it would have been better for everyone.”

Read more articles by James Pirrie.

Read more articles by Family Law in Partnership.

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law.  He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce.  He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.

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How Does the Supreme Court's Judgement in Standish Affect You?
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How Does the Supreme Court’s Judgement in Standish Affect You?

Published on
James Pirrie
James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

The short answer is that Standish affects things a bit – but it probably just confirms what a family solicitor would advise you to do anyway.

The longer answer is that highest court of the land has carried out one of its periodic reviews of how to deal with assets at the end of a marriage. Mr and Mrs Standish had considerable assets, much of it built up by Mr Standish before the marriage. They also had a plan to minimise inheritance tax for their children by putting a big slab of Mr Standish’s money in Mrs Standish’s name. When they split, questions were asked:

  1. Did she keep it? 
  2. Was it shared?
  3. Did Mr Standish get it back?

The answer was C.  

Mr Standish got the money back because it was considered to be his separate property and the intention was never that Mrs Standish should benefit from it. There was also enough marital property to meet Mrs Standish’s ongoing needs, such as accommodation and lifestyle. 

Would this be the same if there were more modest assets to share?

If you don’t have such substantial assets, it is less likely to be as simple as dividing marital property (sometimes referred to as the marital pot).  You may need to dip into each spouse’s separate property to meet needs.  Probably the right way now is: 

  1. First, to think carefully about whether an asset is one person’s “separate property”
  2. Secondly consider whether the assets have become shared – and this is all about intention – and now form part of the marital property
  3. Thirdly, you carry out a “needs” assessment, then adjust any division to ensure that children are provided for and that each spouse has a fair start on the road to independent living.

This approach makes clear that there is no simple “split it all 50:50”.

Looking at those 3 elements in turn:

1) Separate property

This is going to include: 

  • What one person owned before the marriage; or
  • What they were given during the marriage, such as an inheritance

This is different from marital property, which is everything built up by or during the relationship.

It is usually possible to clearly identify property/ assets as one or the other – separate or marital.  Although there are still uncertainties, for example where there have been personal injury awards or lottery wins. 

2) Intention to share formerly separate assets

The second stage is all about intention. You don’t just look at whose name an asset is held in, you focus on the intention.  If you went to Court, a Judge would consider “Do the dealings between you show that you intended to convert what was separate into something that was for you both?” If so, the separate assets are matrimonialised, which means they become joint assets and form part of the marital property. As such they are usually (but not inevitably) going to be shared equally.

This might happen over time because:

  • What was separate property is not really so significant after the passage of time, because other assets have built up and the fact that this asset was separately brought in is not such a big deal
  • These monies have been put into joint funds or otherwise scrambled together and over time that shows that they are intended to be relied on by both of you
  • The money has been put into the family home and lived in over a period of time – and what asset is more central to the marriage partnership than that?

There may be other reasons and some situations will be harder to call. For example, what about a pension or even an ISA – these are not assets that you can put in joint names and there may be disagreement over what was said and what was intended during the relationship. 

3) What is the needs assessment?

Needs is a bit like a picnic: you don’t focus so much on who brought what to the picnic, everyone needs to eat and if there is not enough to go around then you work a way to share what there is to make the best of the situation, usually prioritising younger children.

So here the marital property will be shared first, but if necessary the separate assets will also be shared. This can include future income.

What does this mean for the legal process?

Standish is simply telling us to be disciplined and take the steps in sequence to make sure that the right answer is reached.  We need to:

  1. think about whether an asset is really one person’s separate property or marital property; then
  2. consider whether dividing just the marital property will ensure that children are provided for and that each spouse has a fair start towards independent life

And if not:

  1. dip into the separate assets to meet those needs.

Ultimately the decision in Standish is intended to enable a fairer division of assets on divorce, but some things remain less clear. 

For example, imagine Jo who marries Les who has inherited a substantial 3 bed property. Otherwise, their resources are modest, they each earn well and at similar levels. Two years into the relationship, their marriage fails and they decide to divorce. Has the property that Les inherited become part of the marital pot?  What share of it does Jo get?  

If the main home is pretty much always marital property and if marital property is often divided equally, should Jo get half of the home after only 100 weeks of relationship that led to marriage and ended in divorce? We won’t know for sure until the guidance from the Supreme Court is put into practice in the day-to-day cases.

What does this mean for you?

I would suggest that when you are trying to find your solutions, it will almost always be worthwhile getting an “entitlements analysis” carried out by a legal professional.  This will give you a clear indication of what you may each be entitled to and indeed, need, to move forward with your lives. Some of these tests don’t come naturally and unusual situations will generate unusual answers. You are not usually stuck with the analysis, but it will help to know it before you start trying to agree how you are going to go forward: no-one wants to regret their choices years down the road.

Read more articles by James Pirrie.

Read more articles by Family Law in Partnership.

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law.  He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce.  He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative. 

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Money Grief After Divorce - The Loss No One Talks About
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Money Grief After Divorce – The Loss No One Talks About

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

When we think about grief after divorce, most people imagine the loss of love, trust, or family structure. But there’s another kind of grief that runs deep—and is rarely named: money grief.

One of my clients once said,

“I’m not grieving the loss of my ex, my identity, or our failed dreams. I’m grieving not seeing my children every day—and losing my beautiful house.”

In the divorce world, we often talk about grieving relationships, family routines, or personal identity. But there’s a quieter grief many people carry: I miss my house. I miss the lifestyle I once had.

Divorce often means a dramatic financial shift. Economically, things get harder, income is typically cut in half. But beyond the numbers lies a deeper emotional reckoning: the loss of financial stability, the unraveling of future plans, and the vanishing of a lifestyle that once defined you.

This grief doesn’t always cry out. It doesn’t get lasagne or sympathy cards. It happens quietly,in private moments, in budget spreadsheets, in smaller food shops, or in walking past a house you used to call home. And yet, few people talk about it.

The Hidden Financial Costs of Divorce

When people think about the financial side of divorce, they often focus on child maintenance, spousal support, or dividing assets. But there’s a deeper financial cost that often goes unmentioned: the actual price of the divorce process itself.

From the legal fees to mediation costs, divorce can quickly become expensive. Many people don’t realise just how costly it can be to separate a shared life,with solicitors, mediators, court fees, and the emotional toll all taking a significant chunk of resources.

The financial strain can feel overwhelming, especially when people are trying to rebuild their lives on a smaller budget. Yet these hidden costs are rarely addressed during the divorce process, leaving many feeling financially depleted long after the legal proceedings have ended.

This often leads to more hidden grief, as people mourn not just the life they built with their spouse, but the financial security that’s now out of reach.

Money Grief Is Real – But Disenfranchised

I talk about disenfranchised grief a lot in the divorce world. The term, coined by thanatologist Dr Kenneth Doka, describes grief that isn’t acknowledged by society, grief that isn’t openly validated or supported. He defines it as:

“Grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned.”

No one throws a “sorry you lost your pension” support circle. Like I stated above, you don’t get shepherd’s pie when you have to sell your home or move into a smaller flat. And if you do talk about money grief, you might be met with raised eyebrows or comments like, “Well you wanted out” or “Why didn’t you fight harder to keep it?”

But money grief after divorce is real, and painful. You may lose your financial stability, your dream home, the future you planned for, or the lifestyle that once shaped your identity. These are profound losses. But because they don’t fit the traditional mould of grief, they’re often minimised or dismissed.

That’s what makes this kind of grief disenfranchised: it’s invisible to others, even though it weighs heavily on you.

The Shame and Stigma of Financial Loss

This kind of grief is often hidden beneath a layer of shame.

I remember my aunt once warning someone whose marriage was on the rocks, “Well, look at Karen’s life, you don’t want that.” The implication was clear: losing financial status after divorce isn’t just painful, it’s something to be feared, even judged.

There’s a deep embarrassment many people feel when going through divorce, especially when it comes to money. In our culture, success is often measured by financial stability. Wealth is equated with worth. So when divorce disrupts that, the grief of financial loss can be wrapped in layers of shame.

You’re not just grieving the money, you’re questioning your identity, your value, and your place in the world.

Divorce already comes with financial hardship. Layer on shame and stigma, and many begin to feel like they’ve failed. That fear of judgement keeps people silent. Some don’t even recognise what they’re feeling as grief—they just know they feel hollow, anxious, and unsure of who they are now that the money picture has changed.

We Underestimate the Emotional Cost of Divorce

Yes, many people going through divorce expect lifestyle changes. But few understand just how emotionally destabilising those changes can be.

It’s not just about moving, it’s mourning the neighbourhood where your kids grew up, the memories held in the walls of your home, the dream of retiring early, or putting your child through university.

It’s realising that your identity may have been tied to being the provider, the planner, or the one who held it all together, and now you’re starting over. You may no longer be able to afford the things you once took for granted or pursue the future you had carefully built toward.

That kind of loss isn’t just about pounds and pence, it cuts deep into your sense of self, your stability, and your hopes.

The Invisible Cost of Gender Roles and Dependency

For many women, especially those who stepped out of the workforce to raise children or support a partner’s career, divorce can feel like falling into financial uncertainty.

Even if they receive spousal or child maintenance, the loss of long-term career potential and professional identity can bring intense feelings of grief, regret, and a sense of wasted time.

Studies show that women often face bigger financial setbacks after divorce compared to men. For example, one study found that women’s household incomes drop by 41% in the first year after a divorce, almost double the 21% drop men experience.

This difference is partly due to traditional gender roles, where women are often the primary caregivers. This can mean interruptions in their careers, leading to a wider pay gap. Plus, women are more likely to give up a portion of their partner’s pension in a divorce settlement, which only adds to their financial challenges.

Even with support, the emotional cost of financial insecurity is huge. Many women not only grieve the loss of their partner but also the loss of their financial independence and identity.

Comparison Silences the Grief

Divorce grief is deeply personal and can be incredibly complex. The support people receive during divorce can be just as subjective. You might hear well-meaning comments from friends, family, or even other divorced peers like:

  • “At least you got the house.”
  • “At least your ex pays child maintenance.”
  • “You seem to be doing okay.”

When faced with remarks like these, what are you supposed to say?

While these comments may come from a place of kindness, they can unintentionally make someone feel like they don’t have the space to grieve what they’ve truly lost. But here’s the truth: You can be grateful for what you have—and still grieve what you’ve lost.

If you were the one who left, you can acknowledge that the divorce was the right decision—and still mourn the cost it took on your life.

Naming the Loss Is the First Step to Healing

Money grief isn’t about greed, it’s about mourning the loss of stability, identity, and the future you once imagined. Recognising that truth is powerful.

Grief can show up in bank statements, in cancelled holidays, in the quiet ache of walking past your old home. But just because it’s invisible doesn’t mean it’s not real.

You deserve to name this loss. You deserve space to grieve it.

And most importantly, you deserve support, compassion, and the chance to rebuild a life that honours what you’ve been through and where you want to go next.

References

  • Doka, K. J. (2002). Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice. Research Press.
  • Legal & General – The Divorce Gap: Women’s Household Income Drops Twice as Much as Men’s After Divorce

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

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