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can you be friends with your ex

The Conversations my Ex and I never had – until Recently!

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My journey with the noble divorce magazine has so far been as liberating as the publishing of my book has been!

Marie Abanga
Marie Abanga

You’re probably wondering what next right?

I do enjoy sharing my divorce related stuffs with you all and what happened in the most ‘darkest’ of avenues, and all!

I wanted to share with you a few conversations I recently had with my ex husband, which l wish we had had then. But that’s life!

A quick re-cap?

Hm, I got married for all the wrong reasons and love wasn’t one of them.  All I was looking for was a refuge!

He wasn’t kind to me but I too, did a lot of damage.  I was an adulterous wife,  a ‘shameful and disgraceful” trophy to own but one that needs to be spoken about.

Now to this post.

My ex-husband was an abusive man. He barely ‘discussed’ anything with me. We were not partners, best friends, lovers or anything. Oh no, we were like ‘Master and Servant’. He barked orders and instructions. He was not physically abusive but he was mentally.  He knew I loved conversations and he chose to withhold those from me.

When we were with friends or family, we would converse as a group and even with each other.  Yet, when it was just the two of us, there was no communication.  No discussion.  No conversation.

And so it was for the six years we were married – minimum conversations with my ex.

We started off by barely spending time alone either always on the go or there were other people around whenever he was home. Either side of the family often paid us announced or unannounced visits.  Friends, mostly his, did the same and often stayed on till I went to bed.

thumb in hand
I gave birth to our second son and he came to see our baby more than six hours after

I will never forget the day I gave birth to our second son and he came to see our baby more than six hours after I had called him to say I had given birth. When he finally turned up, he was with friends, which was fine, but when they finally decided to leave, my ex-husband said he was going to see them off and only returned around 11 pm. I was distraught.

The next day, it was my cousin and my first son who came to pick me from the hospital.  We had to hire a cab because my ex had gone on a trip.

Anyway, by that time, I had made up my mind to leave the marriage and was just thinking of what to do with my sons.

We never discussed as normal couples would, what to do about the kids’ education, or whatever. No.  We never had Christmas trees nor gifts unless I bought them. We just fought. Simple!

I remember trying to tell him I was fed up and that I was cheating on him.  All I received from him was a good slap and claims that I was possessed. I guess he didn’t care since he was probably also having some extra marital liaisons too. Buy that’s his story to tell if he wishes.

I arranged for us to go for counselling but only survived the first session. We tried family mediation but this didn’t work either.  Only his family and my father were present.  My mother did not attend nor did she care to listen to me.

Then one day, I left. That almost ruined his ego and status he had built for himself as a good son-in-law, husband, father and all!  He refused to talk to me nor let me have any contact my sons for 8 months. I had left them because I couldn’t take them, not having any real source of income.

It has taken two and a half years for us to truly start talking to each.

conversations with my ex
It has taken two and a half years for us to truly start talking to each.

He did the asking this time around by sending me a Facebook request which I accepted. We started chatting first about the kids and their Christmas and vacations and then about ‘what happened’. I am past any reconciliation or moving back together drama but I am happy to talk to and with him.

One good conversation we had, was about why he had behaved the way he had as a husband. He told me that is what he learnt from his father. His parents are still together though so maybe his mother was more submissive than I was?

Another time we talked about my infidelity.  I told him I needed that consolation and warmth and was sorry to have done it.

Recently we spoke about coping, facing reality and moving on. We discussed the impact of our relationship on our health, life and children and at the end of that conversation, I wished him well.

I will visit my kids in June and will probably have a drink or coffee with him.  Such is life.

Dear readers, I have come to understand, at least somewhat, how people who couldn’t stand each other as couples, could someday become best friends.

We are far from there, but it is much more civilised now than ever and this to me is also part of divorce, Adversity and Growth.  A lot of emotions are always and will always be involved, yet for our own well being, we must move forward.

Marie Abanga

Follow Marie – Twitter

 

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collaborative law

Collaborative Law Explained

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Family Mediation
Austin Chessell

Each person who has decided to separate or divorce in the Collaborative Law process has their own solicitor where meetings take place in the same room with the aim of resolving everything face to face.

I find this works better than correspondence and allows the process to cover a lot more ground rather than waiting for a response to a letter.

Each person and the lawyers sign an agreement with one of the important things being that a financial application will not be made to court. Common matters can include children, finances, relocation or all of these matters.


Collaborative Law Explained?

Once each person has instructed a Collaborative Lawyer there will usually be around 4-5 meetings to discuss the issues ‘around the table.’

Legal advice can be given to the parties during this process.

For Collaborative Law to work everyone needs to work towards reaching an agreement on the matters that have been raised and also agree for court proceedings not to be issued.

If an agreement is reached this can be drafted into a court order.

Collaborative law
Collaborative Law has a high success rate

What can you discuss in Collaborative Law?

  • How to separate in a dignified way that will not destroy the family
  • When to tell the children about the separation
  • Your views on the separation and the other persons view
  • Aim to rebuild communication that make have broken down
  • Legal aid
  • Emotions – In this situation a Family Consultant would usually be part of the
  • Is the family home to be sold or will someone and the children remain
  • Relocation internal and
  • Who and when each parent will care for the children and how to co-parent even though the family is
  • Agreeing a financial outcome that looks at the families interests rather than focussing on positions

 

Other Collaborative Experts

In some cases other professionals work with me. I commonly work with other Mediators, Accountants, Independent Financial Advisors and Divorce Coaches where clients feel this will help the Collaborative Process.

 

Does Collaborative Law Work?

Yes Collaborative Law has a high success rate when separating couples come to the meetings when they discuss possible options and outcomes by being prepared to express and listen to the other persons views in an open and free forum.

 

Austin Chessell is a Collaborative Family Lawyer at Shortlands (www.shortlands.co.uk) and Family Mediator at FAMIA (www.famia.co.uk)

Email: achessell@shortlands.co.uk
Tel: 0207 629 9905
Twitter: @FamilyLawLondon

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Deal with divorce
Children deal with divorce differently depending on age

Children Deal with Divorce Differently

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Dealing with Divorce Pain
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist, Family Mediator
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

We all know and understand that each child is different and how he or she handles divorce will be unique to them.  Yet we are also probably aware that the reaction that they have will also depend on their age or developmental stage.

So how  a 5 year old takes the news and deals with the experience will be different to that of a 10 year old as it would be for the 15 year old sibling.

Some children are so young when their parents divorce that they don’t ever remember them being together. Others are old enough to always remember what took place, what they were doing when they found out about it and how it affected them.

Depending on the situation and circumstances, for some children it is nothing more than knowing that their dad won’t be living in the same house with them while for others it maybe a complete change of life from the way they have always known it.

Very young children, even those that aren’t old enough to talk yet can understand the emotions of people. They can often identify issues such as stress, tension, and they definitely know when their parents are upset.  They can also miss the non-resident parent once he/she moves out.

If you have a young child and are currently going through divorce, just observe any changes in their behaviours including increased clinginess, tearfulness, increased temper tantrums or change in feeding.

Children from about three years of age to around five will be able to verbalise some questions about the divorce. They will often notice that the other person isn’t around like they used to be. They may pose questions such as why the other parent doesn’t go to the park with them or whey they live someplace else.

It is important that their questions are answered without giving them too many unnecessary adult only details.  Just answer their questions as best as you can keeping in mind that they need to continue feeling secure and loved.

Children in MediationChildren aged between six to about eleven will most probably already know someone who has divorced parents and understand what divorce means and entails.

However, that doesn’t mean they are going to readily accept it and as with the little ones, be ready for some changes in behaviour, including anger and aggressiveness as they may simply become overwhelmed by their emotions.

They may lack the skills to effectively be able to handle what is taking place. Do your best to get them to talk about it even if they aren’t sure what they are feeling or why.  They may also hold the belief that they are in some way to blame for the divorce and may work at brining the parents together.

Older children, from twelve and up often understand more about divorce than any other age group and may attempt to find more detailed answers as to what is taking place or what happened.

Chances are that this older age group was well aware of some issues in the marriage before the announcement of the divorce entered the picture and will take sides which can be extremely difficult for the parents.  It is important to remember that this is part of who they are, their stage of development, so don’t take it personally if they side with your ex-spouse.

They are just doing what children of this age do.

It is very common for children in this age group to be also want to be a caregiver  for the parent they “favour”. Do your best to get your child to see both parents as equals and not use them as sounding boards. If you can offer a united front as far as the divorce and caring for the children though it will be easier for them to do so.

Children don’t need to be your confidante when it comes to the divorce. Turn to another adult for someone to listen or to a professional counsellor.

Divorce and separation bring on huge changes for all involved and parents and we, as the adults around the children, will need to get a handle on our own emotions if we are going to meet our children’s needs as effectively as possible.

As I often say, it’s not the divorce that matters the most but the way it’s handled.  This experience will be one of the many difficult experiences that your child will experience during his/her lifetime so let’s work hard to make it as painless as possible and help them deal with divorce the best way possible.

All the best.

Warm hugs,

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Parenting after Separation

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Involvling other Experts in your Collaborative Law Process

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Collaborative law is where the couple come together with their own collaborative lawyer and discuss matters fact to face.  There are no letters sent.  Each client instructs their own collaborative lawyer and they, the clients and the solicitors sign an agreement not to make an application to court. If no agreement is reached in the meetings then new lawyers must be instructed if the matter is to go to court.

Austin Chessell
Family Solicitor and Mediator at Shortands Solicitors

When I started working in Family Law in 2005 I would regularly go to court four to five times a week. I thought that there must be a better way to achieve family outcomes as a lot of the clients who obtained a court order were not happy with the order and wanted to return to court to appeal the decision sometimes.

I trained as a Family Mediator in 2009 and as a Collaborative Family Solicitor in 2013 and have to say that the majority of  clients I act for today go through the Collaborative Law or Family Mediation process and tend to be more satisfied with these outcomes than they would be if they had gone through the court system.  The main reason for this is that during the whole process, they make their own decisions as in which way to go rather than have a court decision imposed upon them.

You need to choose the right process for you but if you want an outcome that focuses on interests rather than fixed positions you may want to use Collaborative Law or Family Mediation.

Clients consult Collaborative Solicitors for legal advice and solutions to their legal problems but when there exists issues outside the legal framework and where a specialist is required then they, the specialist, can become part of the four way meetings between the two clients and the two collaborative solicitors. An order can be prepared if an agreement is then reached in the final sessions.

Involving other professionals does not have to mean costs will escalate. If the other professional can tackle the problem and solve it, it can often mean that matters can be resolved quicker and more amicably.  For instance:

  • Couple Therapists:  it may be the case that you are looking to make the marriage work. In the event that meetings with the couple therapist do not work then the door is always open to return to Collaborative Law.
  • Couple counsellingFamily Consultants:  they can work either one on one or with both clients. It may be that you want to explore how the co-parenting will work during the Collaborative process and as well as after the separation. Family Consultants can also help explore any hopes and anxieties you may have during the Collaborative and post Collaborative process.
  •  Child Specialists. it is important that the voice of the child be heard about how childcare arrangements will work. Some mediators do further training so that they can meet with the child (Direct Consultation With Children) where both parents consent to this and it can be very useful in providing details of what the children want the parents to know to help shape current and future childcare arrangements and how holiday childcare arrangements will work.  
  • Independent Financial Advisors. If the financial settlement is to provide a lump sum it may be useful to consult an Independent Financial Advisor to discuss investments or if the main asset is the pension to discuss how pension planning will work.  
  • Accountants. I have worked with accountants in the past where it has been necessary to value business assets during a divorce. The valuations can provide accurate and useful information to the clients when discussing settlement options.

Working with Collaborative professionals can be done at a timescale that works for you rather than having to follow a court timetable as Collaborative Law meetings take place outside of court.

It can take time to have to prepare a joint letter of instruction through solicitors if you are not using the Collaborative process while any instructions for the experts in Collaborative Law can be discussed in an open forum during the four-five way meetings.

If you want to know more about Collaborative Law you should speak to a trained Collaborative Family Solicitor.

Austin Chessell is a Family Mediator who is also trained to mediate with Children. He is also a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Shortlands Solicitors

Email: achessell@shortlands.co.uk

Telephone: 0207 629 9905

Twitter: @FamilyLawLondon

 

 

 

 

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how to divorce

How to Divorce – Is there a ‘Right’ Way?

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right way to divorce
Jacky Lewis Mediation Matters London

How to Divorce?

I met a wife in mediation a couple of weeks ago who was clutching her twenty page list of chattels she ‘must have’ from the formal matrimonial home.

She admitted that it was not really about the chattels but more that ‘if I get them then the bastard won’t have them’.

How much had they spent thus far on their divorce? £75,000 each in legal fees.

How about the acrimonious couple whose middle child was seeing her third child-psychologist?

The couple couldn’t sit in the same room together and managed the handover of their children via a nanny at a local MacDonald’s. Neither parent considered their child’s psychological ills were in any way connected to their behaviour. Did their marriage start off like this? Didn’t they set out to love, nurture and protect their children from birth?

Luckily, mediators are much more central in the divorce frame than they were five years ago.

Clients should be encouraged to divorce collaboratively, even when this doesn’t mean embracing the whole Collaborative model.  Often six sessions with a good mediator, agreeing a healthy child-contact or residency plan and clarifying the money issues, with the solicitors in the background to support, then a mediated round table meeting with lawyers, clients and mediator, can get couples much further.  Many issues that might drag on for months and go to a final hearing can be settled in such a half-day mediation.

Here are 7 top tips for couples for a low-strife divorce:

  1. Don’t knee-jerk; take some time to look at the bigger picture; decide your options, see a mediator.
  2. Avoid taking advice from embittered divorcee friends.  Be extra wary of conversations that start: ‘you should take the bastard to the cleaners…’
  3. Get a recommendation to a solicitor who knows how to keep the divorce temperature low.
  4. Find out about Collaborative Divorce.
  5. Look after yourself in divorce; get some counselling; look at www.psychotherapy.org.uk
  6. Be aware of your children’s psychological wellbeing.  There are excellent resources for children of divorcing parents.  Try aKidSpace: www.akidspace.co.uk
  7. Keep communication channels open with your ex-spouse; be aware of your children playing one of you off against the other.
  8. Finally, remember; you will have to parent your children together for ever!

About Jacky Lewis

Jacky Lewis and associates at Mediation Matters London provide skilled, sensitive Alternative Dispute Resolution across the board and mediate all manner of conflict from separation and divorce to corporate matters and including workplace, employment and partner disputes.

We have been working with solicitors, barristers, accountants, insurance and pharmaceutical staff and in local government, political institutions, petrochemicals, retail and financial institutions, health and education authorities, art galleries since November 2000…..

www.mediationmatterslondon.co.uk

Mobile
07930 442630

 

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overcoming parental alienation

Parenting Teenagers Through Separation or Divorce

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Parenting Teenagers with Liz Storton
Liz Storton
Youth Coach

 

As a coach that works with teenagers and being a child of divorced parents when I was 16, having been parented through a divorce and listening to what my clients tell me, I have a few suggestions of some hotspots to avoid:-

 

 

  • Don’t use your children as messengers, its fine to say give Mum or Dad a call, don’t expect them to relay messages on your behalf, it’s not fair on them.
  •  Be careful not to worry them with adult issues, they are best dealt with by adults, you don’t want your children worrying about things that they can’t do anything about.
  •  Lead by example – Your examples become permanent images, which will shape their attitudes and actions for the rest of their life.  It’s important to be responsible, consistent and loving with your teenager.  This also holds true for the relationship you have with your spouse, ex spouse, your parents, and other family members and friends that are also a part of your teenager’s life.
  •  Own up to mistakes when you make them, and communicate open and honestly with all family members.
  •  Find a relationship with your ex- spouse that works for you both.  Let your teenager see you communicate in a positive and healthy manner with one another.
  • Parents should agree on how to discipline their children. To become reliable to children, both parents must be consistent in dealing with similar situations. In a situation where the parents are separated or divorced, disagreeing with each other over upbringing can create a confusing situation for children.  They should make a concerted effort to keep their child’s best interests at heart and sit down with their child and line out the rules and expectations and the consequences for violating those rules.  Both should agree that the intended discipline is fair, and apply it consistently in a firm yet fair manner in each home.
  • On access days, encourage them to chat about the day they have had, if a new partner’s name is brought up, don’t start putting them down or bad mouthing them, it may make your children feel guilty if they enjoyed their day. And while we are on access days, – don’t just suddenly expect your children to spend a whole day together if they only spend a couple of hours of week before the split, too much pressure for both sides. When deciding time spent with each parent why not ask your children first and then speak to your ex-spouse and then make mutually acceptable arrangements, be careful not to say things like “it needs to be a full day otherwise I will be travelling for longer than you are there”, maybe they don’t want to be there for a whole day?
  •  If you feel that perhaps you may need some emotional support do some research and make some phone calls for perhaps some counselling, some support on parenting strategies for the future, or some family mediation.

 

Liz Storton on Parenting Teenagers

Youth coach

Liz provides one-to-one Skype, phone and face-to-face coaching (by arrangement in London only).  A complimentary strategy session is always available for parents to find out more about what coaching is about and how it may help their personal situation.

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it's good to talk

It’s Good to Talk

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It's good to talk
Karen Chappell
Health Coach at
Bodylogiq

Separation and Divorce – you don’t have to go through it alone.  Find someone you trust to talk to, it will help and it is “good to talk”.

There’s a whole host of emotions that surface in times of change; fear, anger, numbness, regret, sadness and anything in between.

If you talk to someone else about your personal life, you may feel as though you’re betraying someone you were once close to and loved, and possibly still do. Perhaps it just doesn’t feel right to talk about them behind their back but you can’t talk to them either.

However, if you work with a qualified therapist they are there to help and are ethically bound to keep your comments confidential.  They won’t judge you or your partner, it will start to put your mind more at ease and help to clarify your thoughts.

You could also call on a family member or friend you trust to help you through the emotional and financial upheaval.

Another couple of suggestions you may find helpful is writing in a journal or recording an audio diary, which ever works for you.  They don’t have to be saved, sometimes it is enough just to ‘off load’ to an external source and then to destroy the journal or delete the recording.

Talk about your fears; fear of not knowing whether you can cope financially or whether you can live on your own. Will you feel lonely?

How will you make new friends if your friends were friends of you both?

How will you be able to look after your children and how will you share responsibility of childcare? How will you tell family and friends that your partnership, or marriage, has ended? Will they judge you as a failure? Will you manage the practical aspects of keeping a different home and transport?

family mediation
Direct Consultation with Children in Family Mediation

Do you feel the need to cope and be strong all of the time?  If this works for you that’s good, but if being strong is causing you to be angry, in pain, due to the physical stress imposed on your body, or exhausted you should reconsider how beneficial this strategy has become and try to find a new way forward.

At the other end of the scale is detachment, lack of emotions, feeling alone and vulnerable.   Talking can help you to come to terms with the situation.  If you feel that you have failed remember that none of us are perfect and we each try to achieve our best at that moment in time.

Questions, question, questions…..  If there is so much buzzing around the mind, just pick any question the first one that comes into your head and talk it through.  You may not achieve a solution but you will have made a start towards clarity of your mind and future.

You may not believe it now; but you will be able to deal with life’s challenges, you will cope in your own way and in your own time.  Every now and again take time to do things just for you.  Go for a walk, shout, sing, read, cycle, be creative with your favourite hobby or craft, take a relaxing bath, sleep, be with friends, be with family or take care of yourself in some way, however small.

Try to increase your self-esteem and gain a sense of new normality in an uncertain world.

If you’d like to find a therapist in your area or would like more information have a look at www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/  or  www.relate.org.uk

Look after yourself, Karen 

photo credit: Chatting in the Park via photopin (license)

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/

How To Avoid Court in Child Disputes

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How to Avoid Court
Consultant solicitor at Toussaints Solicitors,

As we all know court proceedings can be very costly and in some cases there is no way of avoiding this.

However, before going to court it may just be worth your while seeing whether you can resolve the dispute without going to court.  Try out my three suggestions below:

1.      Write a letter to the other parent asking them to agree that you should be having contact with your child.  The letter should be simple but specific.  So avoid making any snide remarks and make sure that you set out the specific times you want to see your child.  It may seem a little robotic but by doing it this way you are bringing some certainty into the equation. Give them a reasonable time to respond so you could end the letter by saying that you must hear from them within 14 days.

If the time limit has passed then send them a second letter.  This time consider sending the letter via recorded delivery so that you can have proof the letter has been signed for and collected – or not as the case may be.

If you still get no reply you can approach a Solicitor to write a letter to the other parent.  This shouldn’t be too costly but it will make the correspondence more formal.  Usually a “Solicitors letter” will cause the other parent to respond.  If the other parent does not respond then you will know that you are likely to have a long and complicated dispute.

The Solicitors letter would usually end with a request for a response within a specific time, alternatively, court action will be started.

2.        Ask a mutual friend to help you both in discussing any obstacles which are preventing contact being agreed.  Often, certain left over bitterness from the relationship can affect the future relationship of the parents.  This can mean that the children suffer as a result by being forced to live between feuding adults and being alienated from the parent they no longer live with.

Mutual friends are often best place, because they know both of you and the children, to step in and help iron out any disputes.

With this method, however, don’t feel forced to use a friend who shows any sign of bias as one or the other of you is likely to feel uncomfortable with the decision reached and it is therefore less likely to last.

A mutual friend can also be an upstanding member of the community who is known to the family.  For example, a religious leader, community leader, a friend with a relevant professional qualification.

Don’t let these discussions drag on indefinitely.  If you aren’t able to agree something concrete by the second meeting then this method is probably not going to work.

3.    Use a professional mediator or relationship counselor  If parents are really serious about moving things forward in an acceptable way and doing what is best for their child they will know that avoiding delay and court proceedings is crucial.

So if things can’t be resolved informally then the next best way is to use an external person who is specifically trained to help families dealing with the consequences of a relationship breakdown.

If you have gone to see a Solicitor before using a mediator or relationship counselor you can still ask the Solicitor to refer you to mediation.  The mediator can then take over the case to help you both come to an understanding on future contact.  The Solicitor can then help to formalize this understanding so as to avoid problems in the future.

So there you have it, try out these suggestions above before rushing off to court – it will be less expensive and help you get on better as parents in the future. And for the resident parent you might just get a regular willing babysitter – for free!

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Depression and divorce
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

Coping with Divorce – a Grief Observed

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Lizzie Haynes Family Mediator at lhmediation www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Lizzie Haynes
Family Mediator at lhmediation

This article may help family mediators and parents to recognise and manage loss and change.

This involves understanding that when you separate you are likely to experience feelings of loss, your feelings can be unpredictable and it can seem like you are on a roller-coaster- this applies to both parents and children, it’s called the ‘loss cycle’.

A Grief Observed

There are five stages Denial- Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance.

You do not necessarily go through the stages in order and it is possible to feel the whole range of emotions in the space of 10 minutes!

The reason why I am discussing this is that as you go through the separation journey, parents, couples and children will be at different stages. It is often the case that the person who has been left can feel differently to the person who has been left. You can think you are fine and then something happens and back you go again.

In a mediation session, the loss cycle can be a useful tool to use and ask where they think they are in the cycle and where their children might be.

The five stages of Grief are:

  • Denial, is the feeling that it’s not happening, hiding things from friends and family. Not dealing with reality
  • Anger, Being reactive and irrational, feeling out of control, on a short fuse
  • Bargaining, Why me? Guilt and shame. It’s my fault, if only I/she/he would…
  • Depression, What’s the point? Despair, apathy, sleeplessness energy levels at their lowest point, tears and feeling in a mental fog or constant replay

Acceptance, Balanced emotions, recognition of good/bad relationships, and ability to manage strong relationships. All of this takes time. There is no right or wrong way to feel- it’s what we do with these feelings that will allow us to change and move forward.

About Lizzie

Lizzie trained as a dental hygienist and practised for 21 years in a private practice and, for the NHS. During this time she studied for a law degree.

Lizzie went on to train as a Barrister and was called to the Bar in 2007.

Lizzie first trained as a mediator in 2007 as a civil and commercial mediator, going on to become the Administrator of the Civil Mediation Council and Registrar to Trust Mediation. In 2009 she trained as a community mediator with the Wandsworth Mediation Service and still mediates voluntarily today.

After 4 years as a mediator Lizzie retrained as a family mediator with ADRg, and now works as a family mediator, independently and as part of another panel.

She is also registered with the Ministry of Justice to conduct Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs). These meetings are to inform individuals and couples about the mediation process so that they may consider mediation as an alternative form of dispute resolution.

Trained to present the Separated Parenting Information Programme (SPIP), Lizzie is a member of The Family Mediators Association. She is also qualified to conduct direct child consultations.

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Parental Alienation with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown

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If you have ever wondered what the effects are on fathers who lose contact with their children after divorce or separation then listen to this 15 min recording of Louis De Bernieres’ conversation with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown on the one-to-one show on BBC radio 4

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes – 15 mins

I (Soila) have met parents who completely believe that their children are better off without the other parent.  Are you that parent?  It would be great to hear from you as it would to hear from parents who have lost contact with their children.

Unfortunately it’s a very common problem and sharing your views and stories might indeed help someone else who is living through parental alienation.

  • If you’re going through a divorce at the moment, you might want to listen particularly to the part on family mediation
  • You may also want to listen to this very informative interview with Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas on co-parenting and how to have a successful and workable co-parenting plan.
  • And finally read this blog on Children Need Both Parents.

“Yasmin divorced over twenty years ago, and – although happily re-married – often contemplates the fall-out of divorce, and the resulting emotional ripples which inevitably reach further than the separating couple. 

Last week Yasmin spoke to a grandmother who hasn’t seen her granddaughter for four years, and this week she speaks to the author Louis de Bernieres. He talks from the position he holds as patron of the charity Families Need Fathers, but also from the very personal point of view of a father of two children, who has now separated from their mother.”  Taken from BBC Radio 4

Families Need Fathers Charity

“Parental divorce or separation should not mean that children lose the love and care of one of their parents.

Families Need Fathers seeks to obtain, for the children, the best possible blend of both parents in the lives of children; enough for the children to realise that both parents are fully involved in their lives. Legally, parents should be of equal status.”  Taken from Families Need Fathers and you can find out more by clicking here – http://www.fnf.org.uk/about-us

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the creator of the 4.6 rated online course Parenting after Separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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