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Mediation for Divorce: Is Family Mediation any Good?

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Austin Chessell is a qualified Collaborative Solicitor, Child and Family Mediator and regular contributor to The Divorce Magazine.

When it comes to divorce and family separation does the family court have to get involved?

Is it part of the family court decisions that a couple should attend family mediation or go for mediation for divorce?

Here Austin answers your questions on family mediation and how it can help in finding mediation solutions during divorce and family separation.

Mediation for Divorce?

  • How can family mediation help?
  • Is the agreement reached in family mediation legally binding?
  • Can children participate in the family mediation process?
  • Is family mediation for you?
  • How can you ensure that your mediation process has a positive outcome?

If you would like to speak more with Austin about family mediation you can contact him here:

Tel: +44(0) 7920 445832

Twitter: FamilyLawLondon

Linkedin: austin-chessell

 

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Family Mediation – Complex Cases

Published on
Austin Chessell www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Austin Chessell
Family Mediator and
PPC

In this article I will talk about mediation with highly emotional clients, how to deal with emotional clients and some reasons why clients may be emotional.

It has been a real learning experience working with couples over the past four years as a family mediator where there are strong emotions between the clients. It is very different to acting for one client as a solicitor.

The hardest part about arranging the mediation can be obtaining the willingness of the person who did not propose the mediation as mediation is a voluntary process.  Explaining to that person what mediation can achieve for them helps persuade them to try mediation.

As mediators we help:-

  1. Turn around family disputes;
  2. Resolve family differences;
  3. Give children a voice if the parents would like their children to be part of the mediation process;
  4. Save clients’ money by avoiding the fees they would incur if the matter went to court;
  5. Keep the dispute out of court;
  6. Work in conjunction with solicitors if clients need advice during mediation and if they need a solicitor to prepare any mediation agreement into a legal document.

A lot of mediation clients want to resolve their family dispute and save face at the same time.  Mediation allows this to happen.

It may have been many months or years since the couple have seen each other. Sometimes in the joint sessions I provide a sandwich or fruit for the couple to eat as it may have been a while since they have sat round the table to have a discussion at a meal. It can help to calm the atmosphere in the room if there is silence while both of the couple are eating before setting the agenda items.

Examples

One client I mediated with explained to me in the intake session that this may be the last time she was likely to see the husband again as there were no children from the relationship and part of her moving on would be not to see the husband again.

The client was upset that the husband had found another partner and wanted to vent her feelings about this in the joint session. As a mediator I would not allow one client to be abusive towards the other but this seemed to help to clear the tension from the wife who was then more ready to engage in the financial mediation session.

Family Mediation - Complex CasesRelocation mediations where there are children can be very difficult for the parent who is remaining behind even with generous holiday contact and travel details agreed.

In a lot of these cases the parents have their own solicitors, travel to the session separately and there is no communication between them outside of the sessions. In some sessions one client can stand up raging and pacing round the room and the mediator has to calmly ask the client to sit down.

When asked by the client why do I care about what happens to the children I have to give a response that remains impartial. It is often easier for the mediator to focus the clients when there are children being talked about to ensure that both parents change their mind set from that of a warring separating couple to one who both want to be parents who the children see are both continuing to follow their caring responsibilities for the children.

In family mediation there tend to be 3-5 joint sessions if children and financial matters are being dealt with. For clients who have a lot of history and deeply entrenched emotions there are several ways of dealing with this.

I work closely with counsellors who have seen clients outside and also been part of the mediation itself. Also if the clients want to discuss the past before looking to resolve the issues then there can be more sessions working on a therapeutic mediation model. However it is made clear to the clients that mediation is a future focussed process and as mediators we are not trained to act as a counsellor or therapist.

A lot of cases are referred to me just days before a final hearing. Family Mediation cases do tend to be done in 90 minute sessions over several dates but there have been some family mediation cases which have been resolved in one day.

Where clients are highly emotional it can be better for them to have time to reflect in between sessions rather than agree to something when time is of the essence which they may regret later. Also if the case is complex it allows time for the clients to obtain legal advice, tax advice and or pension advice if this is required by them.

Shuttle mediation can be useful where clients find it unhelpful to sit in the same room. There have been cases where the clients started mediation in different rooms and agreed on several issues and then came together in the same room for the final joint sessions.

I am happy to work with the shuttle mediation model however it does slow the process down. I can convey the message of the client but I cannot replicate the emotion and also the clients cannot see each other’s body language. Also if the couple have children they are going to need to continue to communicate with each other after the mediation, attend graduations and weddings of the children which is why if the couple mediate in the same room it can be positive for the children.

Dealing with highly emotional clients

I explain at the start of the joint sessions that when one person is talking they should not interrupt the other person and ask them to agree to this. If emotions do become vocalised during the session it is useful to remind them not to speak while the other person is talking.

If the tone of the conversation does become heated it is sometime necessary to stand up and ask the clients to focus on the issues that they have raised.

grounds for divorce

Sometimes it just needs someone to tell the clients to be mindful about what they are saying and not to take verbal swipes at each other. If they have children they would not like their children to see them behaving in this way.

We use a flip chart to document what is discussed in mediation. On one occasion the client wanted to get out how he felt before discussing settlement options so I let the client write on the flipchart his feelings and then also allowed the other client to do this too. We had a short break and then returned to discuss settlement options.

As mediators we are not there to keep secrets so it is best for the joint sessions to see the clients in the same room. However, with some clients if the tension becomes high in the room I have asked to see clients separately for example 10 minutes each and then asked them to continue together. This can help to get the clients to talk again more constructively.

Some reasons why clients are emotional

Every case is different but clients can be very emotional if one client has found a new partner and the other person in the mediation sessions has not.

The clients can also become very emotional if they feel that there is not much trust between them.

Conclusions

Clients may feel that emotions and the difficulty of the issues may mean that mediation is not appropriate. This is rarely the case but the mediator will carefully assess this at the Mediation Information Assessment Meeting.

I would not want to start a mediation if I did not feel confident it would work. There is always the option to co-mediate the case. I am from a family law background and my business partner, Massy Ellesmere at FAMIA, is from a couple counselling background. I have found it really helpful to mediate with someone from a different professional background especially in high emotion cases.

By trying mediation the client may have options available that do not present themselves at court. I have worked with clients where their parents or relatives have offered a lump sum payment to settle a financial mediation which the Judge would not direct at court.

The couple if they got married planned their marriage together; they know their personal circumstances and routine better than anyone else so it makes sense to attempt to resolve the separation together too.

Mediation clients have commented that they feel that they have achieved more in a 90 minute joint session than one year of litigating through the courts which has been an expensive and stressful experience for them. I rarely see mediation clients return to me once an agreement is reached whereas legal clients if they are not happy with a court decision may decide to return to court so there is no closure on the matter.

Often the clients have a lot of the mediation points agreed which they do not realise so as a mediator it is important to summarise and reframe key points that the other client may not have acknowledged or taken on board to ensure the clients keep talking to each other.

The Children and Families Bill being considered by Parliament at the moment is looking to change the law so that Applicants looking to make an application to the family courts for a dispute concerning children or finances must consider mediation first at a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting. A line by line examination of the bill took place on the 7th January 2014 and a fourth day of the report stage has been set for the 29th January 2014.

 

About Austin

Austin Chessell is a highly accomplished accredited family and children mediator and a family mediation supervisor. He is qualified as a solicitor in

2010 and has practised as a Collaborative Family Solicitor since 2013. Austin has meeting rooms in North, East and West London. He also mediates online and is authorised to do legal aid family work. A member of both the Law Society and Family Mediation Council mediation panels, he has also completed a Level 3 diploma in Counselling and works on a voluntary basis for Families Need Fathers.

www.thefamilymediationcentre.co.uk

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Family Mediation in practice: Case Examples

Published on
Austin Chessell
Family Solicitor and Mediator at Shortands Solicitors

1.    How mediation has helped couples;

2.    When the mediation process has encountered difficulties;

3.    Were those difficulties in mediation terminal or were they overcome in some way?;

4.    The client’s relationship with the mediator.

 

How family mediation has helped couples

“Co – mediation’’ – Case example 1.

A lot of couples attending family mediation like to have two mediators in the room giving a gender balance. From the start the mediation sessions may have a lot of tension in the room and arguments following on from when the relationship ended.  It’s really important that your mediators or at least one of them is very good at dispelling any tension in the room.

We aim to focus the clients’ attention on the issues they have raised in the intake sessions whether they are children, financial or miscellaneous issues pertaining to their family situation. Some of the benefits of using family mediation include:

  • Resolving family disputes outside of court and through mediation is less adversarial.
  • Being in a less informal environment than a court room gives clients the opportunity to make informed decisions themselves.
  • If an order is made at court by the Judge there is a possibility that neither party may like the decision.

 

“Shuttle mediation’’– Case example 2.

shuttle mediation
Shuttle Mediation

When clients cannot bear to mediate in the same room together as in co-mediation, another form of mediation, shuttle mediation, can then be used.  This is where each party is in a different room and the mediator(s) go from room to room working through each issue in turn.

Massy, my co-mediator and I did a co-mediation where there were court proceedings ongoing. The mother was seeking a name change while the father was seeking more contact with two young children. There had been several court hearings before the parties came to mediation. The mother was paying out thousands of pounds for representation at each hearing. The father was representing himself but did not like the adversarial nature of being in court.  At the intake session both parties struggled to be civil towards each other so the first joint session was done as shuttle mediation as were joint sessions 2-3.

A final agreement on the name change and contact was reached in the 4th session but to our pleasant surprise both parties wanted the final mediation to take place in the same room.  

Both parents had realised that after mediation had ended that both would still need to liaise with each other to arrange contact whether this was on the phone or by email and that even at their children’s wedding they are going to need to get along.  The mediation process encouraged the parties to communicate effectively.

“International Mediation’’– Case example 3.

I received an email from a father who was about to relocate with work in Japan.

The mother and father were not married and the child was 6 months old. The father was paying child maintenance which in the mother’s opinion was not enough. The mother was disappointed that the father was not playing an active role in the child’s life while the father was not happy with the fact that no contact arrangements had been made. Both clients were very reasonable and willing to compromise but they felt they needed an impartial third person present to work through when the father could have contact with the child for the four times he was due to return to London each year.

The mother explained what her monthly outgoings were and that even though the father was paying the suggested 15% of his net income for the one child there was a shortfall. When the father could see the figures of the mother’s monthly outgoings compared to what he was paying as child maintenance which I put on a flipchart the father changed his stance.  The father immediately agreed to increase the child maintenance and would update the standing order immediately. I explained it is good if maintenance can be agreed informally.

Parties can approach the CSA if one parent does not want to pay child maintenance, but in future there will be an administration charge for both parties which can be avoided if child maintenance is agreed informally through mediation.

 

Time Saved–Cases generally.

Contact, residence and financial issues can be dealt with through the courts but if these matters go to court for final hearings it could take potentially several years to get a conclusion. In my experience if both parties have mediation sessions regularly and both parties are willing to be flexible about what they seek, mediation agreements can be made in a much shorter time frame. If there are children and financial issues there tend to be 3-5 joint sessions. If it is just child or financial issues then there are around 2-3 joint issues. Joint sessions last for 90 minutes. Intake sessions last for around an hour.

When the mediation process has encountered real difficulties

Child Abduction – Case example 4.

In an intake session it was clear that both parties before they separated were in very high conflict.

The mother had also raised issues that the extended family for the father were making life too difficult for her. Despite this both parties initially wanted to mediate.

The father was having limited contact at a car park or by lifts inside a flat for 15 minutes every alternate weekend. The mother wanted to return to Pakistan with the child while the father wanted to prevent this.

In the first joint session it was agreed that the future contact sessions would take place in a more appropriate venue and that contact would be for longer duration. However, after the first session mediation stopped as both parties could still not trust each other over the child abduction aspect and passport issues were then raised. It was agreed that both parties would return to their solicitors and go to court. In most cases we reach full agreement on all of the issues raised but sometimes it may be that agreement is reached on say 6 out of 8 issues and the remaining issues are dealt with through the court.

 

Financial Disclosure – Cases generally.

Family MediaitonIn mediation some parties want to use the process to decide how the financial assets accumulated from the marriage or cohabitation will be divided.  After the intake session we give both parties a financial form to complete which details all of the assets and debts along with current and future projected income and outgoings. Generally both parties understand and cooperate to give full and frank disclosure before discussing settlement options. However, where one party is convinced that the other party is not disclosing substantial assets the mediation process cannot go any further and it may be that the clients have to use the court process to reach a conclusion.

 

Delay – Cases generally.

Most couples come to mediation wanting to reach a quick solution to their issues. However, some people have approached us to use the process as a delaying mechanism. In these circumstances mediation would not be suitable, particularly in cases where one parent has not been having contact with their children for a long period of time.

In mediation cases where difficulties came about were the difficulties terminal or were the difficulties overcome in some way?

 

Contact – Case example 5.

One couple approached me as a contact order had been prepared at court but it was not defined as to how the weekend contacts and holiday contacts should be structured.

The court order provided that contact should be shared on an equal contact basis. We looked at the work schedule and commitments of both parents and the children. It was difficult for weekends and holiday contacts to be divided equally. It was possible but as the contact would mean a lot of travelling for the children on a Sunday night it was agreed that practically this would not be in the children’s best interests as they would turn up for nursery and school on a Monday morning exhausted.

For the current year 2011-2012 the contact the father missed out on at weekends was increased during the holidays. We also discussed finances in mediation.  It was agreed that the father would look to relocate closer to the mother within the next year so that for the following year 2012 – 2013 weekend and holiday contact could be done on a shared basis.

Men often report that they feel they are being  judged by yet another female in mediation. Do you have any advice?

As mediators we are trained to be impartial whether clients are male or female. As a mediator I am not there to judge the father or the mother but am there solely to help reach an agreement in terms of children contact, residence or how to divide the financial assets from marriage or cohabitation and any other issues such as relocation which is happening a lot more in this day and age.

We do not have telephone conversations with the clients in between mediation sessions to avoid being seen as biased or judging towards one party.

I think that the mediation intake sessions are very important.  It is an opportunity for both clients to assess the mediator to see if they feel they can work together.  In some cases the clients are going to see the mediator for around 6 sessions in total so they need to be comfortable with the mediator.

It is also worth remembering that mediation is a voluntary process so if clients feel that they are not making real progress then they may have to consider other options to resolve their issues.

Austin Chessell is a family mediator at FAMIA (www.famia.co.uk) which covers Inner and Greater London. Austin is also a family solicitor at Shortlands Solicitors (www.shortlands.co.uk) at Hammersmith, London.

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Children in Mediation

Family Mediation Services – Children in Mediation

Published on
Austin Chessell www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Austin Chessell
Family Mediator at FAMIA

Direct Consultation With Children (DCC) in Family Mediation Services

Since training to be a family mediator three years ago, several of my children issue mediation cases have led to the parents deciding that they would like to involve their children as part of the mediation process.

How does a DCC work?

During a DCC, the children first have a session with a qualified Direct Child Consultant where the parents are not present and the children are given the time and space in a safe and confidential place to discuss what they would like their wishes and feelings for the future to be.

The wishes and thoughts of the children are then informed to the parents in a separate meeting so that the desires of the children can then be taken into account when making decisions for the child arrangements for the future.

It is important before arranging a DCC session that the parents sign a consent form agreeing for the children to take part in the session.

When Might involving Children in the Mediation Process be Appropriate?

Both parents may feel that their children should be given the chance to have a voice in the future family structure and can play a part in how new arrangements are going to operate. This may help to allay some of the fears that children have about the parents separating.

Children can be asked to have a session with the mediator at different points of the mediation process.

I have been involved in a case when the father relocated to Japan and the three teenage children and mother remained in London. The three teenage children wanted to find out why the parents’ relationship had broken down as this had not been explained to them. The three children had only been having contact through email and wanted to use the session to arrange when they could have direct contact with their father.

In other mediation cases the parents had previously been litigating in court to decide which A-level school the child should attend. When the child attended the direct consultation a school was proposed that neither parent had considered which helped to decide which school should be applied for and avoided further litigation.

It can also be useful to discuss the children’s on-going relationships with the wider family.

Children in MediationInvolving children in mediation will not always be the best option but from my experience of working with children at a contact centre for over ten years most children like to be given the chance to be heard in person.

Parents will be informed before the mediation session with the child that:-

  • The children will not be asked to make the decisions and choices;
  • The mediators respect their parents’ authority;
  • A child will not be seen without both parents’ consent;
  • Parents will be briefed clearly how the mediation session with the child works and the purpose of the meeting before asking if the child would like to be part of the process.

The mediator has to respect the confidentially of the information the child shares with the mediator unless there is a risk of harm.

I often get asked at what age children should be mediating. I personally would find it hard to mediate with a child younger than 8 years old. This really is down to the parents’ view on the child’s capacity to use and understand the opportunity. I have not experienced a situation where a child has refused to be part of the mediation process yet.

For cases that have complex issues I would look to co-mediate the children session.

Children in MediationSome children have preferred to come straight after school while other children have expressed a preference to mediate at the weekend. It is also discussed with the children who will bring them to their session and where the person collecting them should wait. The children are also told when the feedback will be given to the parents and what format the feedback will take.

Meeting with the children will not resolve all of the issues but from my experience has in several cases aided communication at a difficult time. The childrens’ needs are given paramount consideration in the process. A lot of children have liked the session with the mediator as they know the mediator is independent from the family and will not take sides to their expressed views.

The child mediation sessions are not therapy as the mediators are not trained for this but children have commented to me that the mediation session helped them to understand the changes that were about to take place, find their own way to cope with the separation when they may feel that they have to take sides and to express their feelings about the separation. It is important to acknowledge how the child feels and have soft drinks available along with time for short breaks if the child wants this.

If the child wants to have support from people other than their family it can be explored if there is someone at the child’s school or a school counselling service who may be of assistance.

I believe that where it is appropriate children should be given the opportunity to be part of the mediation process. From my experience children do not want to be involved in any conflict arising from separation but would like to help shape their future arrangements particularly on shared parenting issues by voicing their views.

Austin Chessell is a Family Mediator at FAMIA www.famia.co.uk and Family Solicitor at Shortlands Solicitors www.shortlands.co.uk .

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What is family mediation

What is Family Mediation?

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1.    What is Family Mediation? This is a process by which divorcing or separating couples come together to discuss issues that they need to resolve once divorce is over such as financial issues and child contact issues

2.    How does the mediation process work? There are different ways of conducting the mediation process, the most common being where you and your ex-spouse sit in the same room with your mediators (usually two) to discuss the issues over a few sessions.  If the tension between you and your ex-partner is so great that you are unable to sit together, then there is what is called shuttle mediation, where you are both in different rooms and the mediators work with both of you by moving from one room to the other.

3.    Is it for everyone? Family mediation is not for everyone but it is for the vast majority of people.  There are however instances where it will be next to impossible to conduct a mediation process such as where there is domestic violence, alcohol and drug abuse and serious mental health issues.

4.    Do I have to see my ex-partner? No, you don’t have to see or meet your ex-partner during the mediation process.  Depending on the centre or place where you meet, there might be different waiting areas and you may work through the process by sitting in different rooms and having the mediators move between the two of you.

5.    What role do the mediators play? The mediators are there to work through your issues with you.  It is important to note that they are not there to give you any advice or tell you what to do.

6.    What are the principles of mediation?

  • Confidentiality:  Whatever goes on in the session, remains in the session.  What is said cannot be repeated in court or elsewhere.  The only time this rule will not be observed is when there is a risk of harm to either party or their children.
  • Voluntary:  You don’t have to attend family mediation if you don’t want to and you can leave at any time.  There is no pressure to go through with it to the end, nor into making an agreement.
  • Impartiality of mediator: as mentioned above, the mediators are not there to take sides or give advice.  Their role is to help you through the process of negotiation, finding solutions and reaching agreements.
  • Fairness: the mediators work with you to help you reach agreements and solutions that are deemed fair within the framework of the law.
  • Joint decision-making:  this is your session and your time, mediators are there to help you both make arrangements and reach decisions that suit you both.
  • Mediation is available to all who want to work in this way but might not be right for all.
  • Child-focused: Family mediation helps parents reach a parenting plan that focuses on the needs and views of their children.

7.    What are the benefits of mediation?

  • You are in total control of the outcome of the mediation process
  • Helps parents reach an agreement that suits both of them and also that is suitable for children
  • The cost of mediation is considerably lower than going to court
  • Successful mediation helps minimise the negative impact of divorce on children.

8.    How long does it take? Family mediation takes on average between four and six sessions spread over several weeks or months.

9.    How much does family mediation cost? The cost for family mediation varies depending on whether you go private or down the public funding route You can find private family mediators here –  NFM. FMA

10. Am I eligible for public funding?  This will depend on your capital and income.  Your mediator will be able to assess this with and for you. For more information, visit the Legal Services Commission website

11. Do I need a solicitor?  How does family mediation fit into divorce?  Family mediators can give you legal information but not advice so your mediator might encourage you to consult a solicitor if it is felt appropriate.

12. Is the agreement reached legally binding? The mediation agreement is not legally binding.  It is left to you and your ex-partner to put whatever you have agreed on into practice.  To make it legally binding, consult your solicitor and get a legally binding agreement to be drawn up.

13.  How can I find a mediation service? If you’re in London, speak with me.  I am a trained family mediator and work mainly in South London.

Warm hugs,

Soila

About the Author

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is a Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Mediation Matters

Relocation and Family Mediation Matters

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Family Mediation www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Austin Chessell Family Mediator and Collaborative Lawyer

Austin Chessell looks at some of the main principles of the law on International Relocation and discusses how parents can use them in family mediation as an alternative to going to court to help them shape their own agreement on whether relocation with children should take place.

With the growth in cheap flights and increasing employment prospects arising from globalisation, it is becoming more common for separated parents to consider permanently relocating abroad and wanting to take their children with them.

Consent needs to be given by the non-relocating parent for the relocation to take place which is rarely easy to obtain as it inevitably creates further tension between the parents and re-opens the pain experienced during the initial post-separation childcare discussions.

The non-relocating parent often fears losing all contact with the child if relocation happens.

Where relocation is contested, it is worth considering what the main legal principles are which determine whether the relocation should take place and whether consent is best obtained through the courts or by mediation.

In my experience, mediation is often more successful where parents have a good understanding of these legal principles and can then use them to shape their own relocation agreements.

The leading cases which parents need to be aware of are:

Payne v Payne [2001] EWCA Civ 166

This was an unsuccessful appeal by a father against an order allowing the mother (who significantly was the main carer) to remove the child to New Zealand. The guidance in this case is known as the ‘Payne Test.’

The test means that the court must consider whether the proposed relocation:

  • derives from a genuine desire to start a new life abroad (i.e. not being selfishly motivated to cut one parent out of the child’s life)
  • has been well thought out and researched having regard to the practicalities of the situation.

If the application to relocate is deemed to be genuine and realistic, the court must then weigh up:

  • if the opposing parent’s reasons are based on a genuine concern for the future child’s welfare, or if there is an ulterior motive.
  • what effect the relocation would have on the relationship between the parent who is not relocating and the child. The court will also need to consider the extent to which this would be balanced by any new relationships that the child would form in the relocation country.
  • what the impact would be on the parent who proposed the move if the application was refused.

While taking the guidance into account, the court’s paramount concern will always be the child’s welfare.

However, in Re K [2011] EWCA Civ 793 the Court of Appeal ruled that the only point of law from the Payne case was that the child’s best interests must be the paramount consideration of the court. In this case, (unlike Payne) care was shared between the parents.

The court decided that in shared care cases the application should be decided on the facts of each case, the welfare of the child and the statutory considerations which are set out in s.1(3) of the Children Act 1989, often referred to as the ‘Welfare Checklist’.

In Re K a father brought a successful appeal against an order which gave the mother permission to leave and take the children to Canada.

The court confirmed that in the circumstances of this case, the approach followed in Payne v Payne was not appropriate because care was shared between the parents which required a deeper analysis of the impact of the relocation on the child. As a result of this case, a lot of parents may now find it harder to persuade the court that the relocation should take place where there is a shared care arrangement in place.

Payne is only applicable where the relocating parent is the main carer.

Consideration must be given to all of the facts.

Key findings from relocation case law are:

–        The welfare of the child is the paramount consideration and all other criteria should feed into this.

–        In deciding which solution will best meet the child’s welfare, consideration should be given to the guidance set out in the Welfare Checklist where care is shared and to the Payne Test where there is a main carer for the child.

–        Leave to remove applications must be made in a way which does not obstruct contact nor weaken the child’s relationship with the non-relocating parent.

–        The relocating parent must have planned the move having regard to the practicalities e.g. it is better if the move is at the end of the school year rather than in the middle of the school term, having good access to healthcare, immigration laws not being a major obstacle and the non-relocating parent still being able to still have good contact with the child.

–        The court will have regard to the impact which a refusal of the application will have on the relocating parent where s/he is the primary carer e.g. the primary carer feeling isolated and lonely if the move is not granted.

–        It is important in every case to consider what the effect of the reduction in contact time with the parent who is not relocating will be on the child.

–        If the child is an older child then its wishes, views and feelings will carry more weight in the relocation decision.

As a mediator my role is different to when I am acting as a solicitor in that in mediation I can only share the above legal information with mediation clients but cannot advise them.  Parents can then use that information and seek legal advice from solicitors where appropriate to make joint decisions on the relocation through mediation.

In  August 2013, Dr Rob George from Oxford University found in a report called Relocation Disputes in England and Wales: First Findings from the 2012 Study that one-third of all requests for relocation are not permitted by the family courts.

In the current economic climate, parents are questioning why they should spend potentially tens of thousands of pounds on a relocation case involving several hearings when the case can be mediated in a quicker and more cost effective way (especially where a relocation allowance has not been provided by an employer) and, in light of Dr George’s report, may stand a higher chance of success.

Every mediation case is unique based on the client’s circumstances, but the following are issues that commonly arise in international relocation cases which parents (and mediators) need to consider:

  • Childcare time – when should the contact take place and where?
  • Who is booking and paying for the international travel?
  • If the child is young how will they travel?  Will relatives need to be involved to ensure travel can take place.
  • Will contact between the child and the non-relocating parent take place during term time and in what form? e.g. face to face, email, phone or Skype?
  • Making decisions for future education, after-school activities and medical treatments – it may be that the parent who is not relocating wants to visit the school abroad or neighbourhood before any schooling decisions are made.
  • Being provided with copies of future medical records and school reports.
  • If an order is prepared after mediation, will this need to be mirrored abroad? The clients will need to liaise with their legal advisors here and abroad to get this confirmed.
  • If the order is not followed, should the relocating parent provide a legal costs allowance for the parent who is not relocating? There may not be funds for this but in some cases, there may be.
  • Will the parent not relocating have more contact prior to the move?
  • Will the parent agree for the relocation to be for a defined time before returning?
  • Will the children return in the future for their university education? If the children are old enough and the parents agree, the mediator can meet with the children to find out their wishes and feelings on this and then pass the agreed information back to the parents before a decision is made.
  • How will extended family members remain involved with the children?
  • Will the relocation take place in a way that is not disruptive to the child?

I have worked on relocation cases through the courts as a solicitor and through mediation as a family mediator. In my experience, parents communicate better in mediation than they do in litigation as the focus is on collective interests not fixed positions.

If a parent is unhappy with a court decision, litigation will most likely continue with appeals being made, but, in mediation, parents tend to respect what was agreed and rarely look to amend a Memorandum of Understanding.

With Mediation Information Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) likely to become compulsory for all applicants if the Children and Families Bill 2012-2013 is enacted, it would not be surprising if more international relocation cases are resolved through mediation rather than through the court system.

About Austin

Austin Chessell is an accredited Family and Child Mediator at FAMIA (www.famia.co.uk) across Inner and Greater London. Austin is also a Professional Practice Consultant.

Austin is a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Feltons Solicitors in Knightsbridge.

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When One Household Becomes Two: The Retirement Crisis Hidden Inside Divorce
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When One Household Becomes Two: The Retirement Crisis Hidden Inside Divorce

Published on
Sarah Hawkins
Sarah Hawkins
CEO
National Family Mediation (NFM)

Every September, Pensions Awareness Week encourages us to think about our future. We are reminded to check our pension statements, review our retirement savings and ask ourselves whether we are putting enough aside to enjoy the retirement we hope for.

They are important conversations, but I believe we are overlooking another one.

What happens to those carefully made retirement plans when a marriage ends?

At National Family Mediation, we are seeing a growing number of people in their fifties seeking support as they navigate separation. Around one in ten enquiries we received between April 2025 and March 2026 came from people aged over 50. That tells me something important. Later-life separation is no longer a niche issue; it reflects the changing reality of modern family life.

I’ve never been particularly fond of the phrase “grey divorce”. It conjures images of couples quietly separating after retirement, with grown-up children, mortgage-free homes and relatively straightforward finances.

That simply isn’t what we see.

Today’s fifty-somethings are often still paying mortgages, helping children through university, supporting adult children who cannot yet afford to leave home and, increasingly, caring for ageing parents. Many still have another ten or fifteen years of work ahead of them. They are making decisions about school fees, university costs, housing and day-to-day household finances long before they are thinking seriously about retirement.

Those immediate pressures naturally dominate conversations when relationships break down.

People come to mediation to work through the practical realities of separation: what happens to the family home, how ongoing financial commitments will be managed, whether children can still be supported through education and how both people can move forward on secure financial footing.

Pensions are rarely the first thing people mention.

Yet once the wider financial picture is laid out, they quickly become one of the most important parts of the conversation.

For couples over 50, pensions form part of almost every financial mediation we facilitate because they sit alongside housing, mortgages, savings, investments and debt as part of a complete financial settlement. By this stage of life, a pension is often one of the largest assets a couple has accumulated, sometimes worth more than the family home itself.

The irony is that while retirement may still feel years away, this is often the point at which pension decisions matter most. After decades of saving, pension pots have had time to grow, but they are rarely equal.

Career breaks to raise children, periods spent caring for relatives, part-time working, differences in earnings and, for some families, disruption to careers during the pandemic have all influenced how much people have been able to save. That means pension wealth can vary significantly between partners, making it one of the most valuable – and often most misunderstood – assets to consider.

Looking only at today’s financial pressures can mean overlooking the asset that will shape tomorrow’s financial security.

The full new State Pension is currently worth just over £12,500 a year, and not everyone will receive that amount. Entitlement depends on an individual’s National Insurance record, meaning career breaks, caring responsibilities and periods of part-time work can all affect what someone ultimately receives.

Even for those entitled to the full amount, the State Pension alone is unlikely to provide the retirement most people would hope for. According to the current Retirement Living Standards, a single person now needs around £13,900 a year simply to achieve a minimum standard of living in retirement, while a two-person household requires around £22,500. Those figures represent a basic standard of living rather than a comfortable one.

Meanwhile, the wider outlook for retirement is becoming increasingly challenging. Pensions UK estimates that one in five workers is projected to fall short of even the minimum Retirement Living Standard. The FCA says that around 2.8 million people are carrying persistent credit card debt, while it’s 2024 Financial Lives Survey found that more than 3.8 million retirees worry that their money will not last throughout retirement.

We are also living longer. The ONS says that a woman reaching the age of 65 in the 2030s can expect to live until around 89, while a man can expect to live to around 87. Many more people will live well into their nineties, with growing numbers celebrating their 100th birthday. Longer lives are something to celebrate, but they also mean retirement savings need to stretch much further than previous generations ever imagined.

Housing is changing too. Pensions UK projects that by 2030, more than one in ten people aged over 65 will be living in privately rented accommodation. For many, retirement will no longer mean living mortgage-free in a home they own outright. Instead, it may involve paying rent alongside rising energy bills, higher food costs and all the other financial pressures that have become familiar during the cost-of-living crisis.

Taken together, these trends paint a sobering picture. Retirement security is becoming harder to achieve at precisely the moment when later-life separation is becoming more financially complex.

Nobody likes the thought of sharing a pension they have spent decades building. That is entirely understandable. People have worked hard, contributed throughout their careers and naturally want to protect the future they have planned.

But perhaps there is another question worth asking.

Most people also do not want someone they once loved to spend retirement worrying about whether they can afford to heat their home, pay the weekly food shop or cope with an unexpected bill. This is not about suggesting that every pension should be divided equally or that one person should sacrifice their own future for the other. Every family is different, every financial picture is unique and every settlement should reflect those circumstances.

What matters is that decisions are made with a full understanding of their long-term consequences.

Too often, pensions are traded against other assets without fully appreciating what they represent. Keeping a greater share of the equity in the family home may feel like the better outcome today, but twenty years later it may be pension income – not bricks and mortar – that determines whether someone enjoys financial independence or faces financial insecurity.

That is why mediation has such an important role to play. It creates the space for practical, informed conversations about the whole financial picture, including pensions, property, savings, mortgages, investments and debt. Rather than focusing solely on who gets what, mediation helps couples understand the implications of the choices they are making so they can reach fair, informed agreements that give both people the best possible chance of financial security in later life.

These conversations are rarely easy, but they are essential. Every pound spent on unnecessary conflict is a pound that cannot be invested in retirement, housing or supporting the next generation.

For years, we have encouraged people to save more for retirement, and rightly so. But perhaps Pensions Awareness Week should also remind us that protecting our retirement is about more than increasing our pension contributions. It is also about making informed decisions when life takes an unexpected turn.

We cannot change the housing market. We cannot immediately reverse the cost-of-living crisis. We cannot stop people living longer, nor should we want to. What we can do is ensure that when relationships end, people understand the long-term financial consequences of the decisions they make.

If we are serious about tackling pension insecurity, we need to recognise that later-life divorce is no longer simply a family law issue. It is increasingly a retirement planning issue too.

Divorce marks the end of a relationship, but it should never become the beginning of avoidable financial hardship in later life. If this Pensions Awareness Week encourages separating couples to understand the true value of their pensions before making life-changing decisions, it will have achieved something that benefits not only today’s families, but the society we are all growing older in.

Read more articles by Sarah Hawkins.

About Sarah Hawkins

Sarah Hawkins is the CEO of National Family Mediation (NFM), the largest provider of family mediation services in England and Wales. A passionate advocate for conflict resolution and family wellbeing, Sarah has over 20 years of experience helping families navigate the emotional and legal challenges of separation and divorce.

📍 www.nfm.org.uk | 📧 info@nfm.org.uk | 📱 @FamilyMediationNFM

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From Screenshot Pile to Working Chronology: Preparing for a Solicitor or Mediator
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From Screenshot Pile to Working Chronology: Preparing for a Solicitor or Mediator

Published on
Mielad Niekzad
Mielad Niekzad
Platform Engineer
Casewell

Separation has a habit of producing an enormous digital archive.

WhatsApp messages. Emails. Photographs. School correspondence. Appointment letters. Calendar entries. Receipts. Screenshots saved at midnight because something felt important and you were frightened you might later forget it.

After several months, it is quite possible to have hundreds – perhaps thousands – of items stored across a phone, inbox and cloud account.

The instinct to preserve information is understandable. The problem comes when you need to explain what has actually happened to somebody else.

A folder containing 600 screenshots may contain important information, but it does not necessarily communicate it.

If you are preparing for a conversation with a mediator or solicitor, the objective should not be to present the largest possible archive. It should be to make the relevant history understandable.

That means moving from collection to chronology.

The screenshot problem

Imagine that you need to explain a disagreement about arrangements for your child.

You remember that it happened sometime in March. There were several WhatsApp conversations, an email from school and perhaps a photograph connected with it. You know you have everything somewhere. But where?

You begin searching your camera roll. Screenshot 184 leads to screenshot 185, which refers to an earlier conversation. Then you search WhatsApp. Then your email.

Twenty minutes later, you are reconstructing the event yourself. Now imagine asking a mediator or solicitor, who has never seen any of this before, to do the same thing.

This is the difference between having information and having a usable record.

Build the chronology first

A simple chronology can act as the index to everything else. Each entry need only answer a few basic questions:

When did it happen?
What happened?
Who was involved?
Is there supporting material?

An entry might look something like this:

12 March 2026 – Change to school collection

At 9.14 am I received a message asking whether I could collect our daughter from school instead of the previously agreed collection arrangement. I confirmed at 9.32 am that I could do so and collected her at approximately 3.20 pm.

Supporting material: WhatsApp conversation, 12 March 2026.

Nothing dramatic is required. In fact, the more factual the entry, the more useful it generally becomes.

Separate the event from your interpretation of it

This is one of the most important habits when organising records.

There is a considerable difference between writing: “He deliberately ignored my messages because he wanted to make things difficult.” and: “I sent messages at 10.14 am and 3.42 pm asking whether he could attend the appointment. I had not received a response by 6 pm.”

The first statement contains an interpretation of another person’s intentions. The second records observable events.

That distinction matters because your chronology should help another person understand what occurred without requiring them to adopt your interpretation of it. Words such as always, never, deliberately, manipulative and unreasonable can easily creep into notes written during stressful periods. Where possible, replace conclusions with the underlying event.

If somebody repeatedly cancelled arrangements, for example, you do not necessarily need to write that they were “unreliable”. Record the dates and what happened. The pattern, if there is one, can then speak for itself.

It is also sensible to write on the assumption that your chronology may one day be read by somebody other than you. Depending on the circumstances, material you create may later be seen by professionals involved in your case or potentially by the other parent. Keep the language factual, measured and something you would be comfortable having attributed to you. If you are unsure about confidentiality, disclosure or how particular records may be used, seek legal advice.

Give every source a home

Once the chronology exists, your screenshots and documents become supporting material rather than the story itself. A basic naming system can make an enormous difference:

2026-03-12 – WhatsApp – school collection
2026-03-18 – School email – attendance
2026-03-24 – Appointment letter – paediatric clinic
2026-04-02 – Email – Easter arrangements

The precise naming convention is less important than consistency. Dates are particularly useful because they naturally place files into chronological order.

The aim is simple: if somebody asks you for the material relating to an event six months ago, you should be able to find it without scrolling through your entire camera roll.

Not every disagreement needs an entry

For many separating parents, once record-keeping begins there can be a temptation to document everything: a late message, an unpleasant remark, a five-minute delay, or a disagreement that was resolved ten minutes later. Before adding something to a routine co-parenting chronology, it can therefore be useful to ask whether you are reasonably likely to need to remember it in six months, or whether it helps explain an issue that may actually need to be discussed.

If the answer to both is no, it may not need an entry. Good record-keeping is partly about preserving information; it is also about keeping the resulting record usable.

There is, however, an important exception.

Where safety or controlling behaviour is a concern

If you are experiencing abuse, coercive control, harassment, stalking or another pattern of behaviour that causes you concern for your or your children’s safety, the approach above may not be appropriate. A series of incidents that appears minor when each is viewed in isolation can sometimes be significant precisely because of the pattern it forms.

In those circumstances, recording events more comprehensively and as close to the time as you safely can may be important. Seek specialist or legal advice early about what to record, how to preserve it and, crucially, how to do so without increasing risk to yourself or your children. If keeping records on a particular device or account could itself put you at risk, prioritise your safety over any organisational system.

Include ordinary events where they provide context

In an ordinary co-parenting chronology, a record containing only conflict can unintentionally become a catalogue of grievances rather than an account of family life. Ordinary events can sometimes provide useful context: a handover happened as agreed, both parents attended a school event, a proposed schedule change was discussed and resolved, or an appointment took place without difficulty.

The purpose is accuracy, not building the strongest possible case against another person.

Again, this should not be treated as a rule for situations involving abuse or coercive control, where the appropriate approach to documentation may be quite different.

Keep the archive; prepare a smaller working pack

You do not necessarily need to delete anything simply because it is not immediately relevant. Instead, distinguish between your archive and your working pack.

The archive might contain hundreds of original messages, emails, photographs and documents. The working pack should be much smaller and tailored to the conversation you are about to have.

Before a mediation or solicitor meeting, it might contain:

a concise chronology covering the relevant period;
the key documents referred to within it;
any important dates or arrangements;
a short note identifying genuine gaps or uncertainties; and
the questions you actually need help resolving.

This changes the conversation. Instead of beginning with, “I have hundreds of screenshots I need to show you,” you can begin with: “These are the events I think are relevant. I’ve put them in date order, and I have the original material available if you need to see it.”

That is a much easier starting point for everybody.

Organise around the issue, not the relationship

If you are preparing for mediation about school arrangements, your entire history since separation may not be relevant to that discussion. The same applies to conversations about holidays, handovers, expenses or another particular issue.

Ask yourself: What question are we actually trying to resolve?

Then identify the events and material that help explain that question. This can be particularly important when emotions are understandably high. Separation is rarely experienced as a collection of neat, isolated problems; everything can feel connected. But a professional trying to help you may need to separate those strands.

Organising your working material around the issue at hand can help them do that. Where there are wider safety concerns or an alleged pattern of behaviour, however, tell the professional rather than deciding for yourself that the wider history is irrelevant.

Preserve the originals

Organisation should not mean rewriting history. Keep original emails, messages, photographs and documents wherever reasonably possible.

If you create a summary, recognise that it is a summary. If you quote a message, retain the original conversation. And if you are uncertain about something, say so.

I believe this happened around 4 March, although I do not have a contemporaneous record confirming the exact date.

That is preferable to creating certainty where none exists. Similarly, distinguish between something you personally witnessed and something somebody subsequently told you. Accuracy includes acknowledging the limits of your own record.

A chronology is an organisational tool, not a verdict

Perhaps the most important point is what a personal chronology cannot do.

It cannot determine somebody else’s intentions. It does not establish that every recorded allegation is true. And the fact that something has been saved does not automatically make it legally relevant or admissible.

Questions about evidence, privacy, recordings, disclosure, confidentiality or the legal significance of particular material should be discussed with an appropriately qualified professional in the relevant jurisdiction.

The purpose of organising your records is more modest – and more useful. It is to help you remember what happened, locate the original material and explain the relevant sequence of events clearly.

Clarity is the objective

During separation, collecting information can feel protective. But eventually there comes a point when another skill becomes important: editing.

Not editing the facts, but editing the volume.

Turning 600 screenshots into a chronology. Connecting relevant events to their original sources. And then taking what is actually useful into the conversation you are about to have.

For some parents, that will mean reducing a large archive to a relatively small working pack. For others – particularly where a wider pattern of behaviour or safety concern exists – it may mean preserving considerably more and seeking professional advice about how best to organise it.

A well-organised record does not need to tell somebody what conclusion to reach. It simply makes the history easier to understand.

And when a mediator or solicitor is trying to help you work through an already complicated situation, that clarity can be considerably more useful than another hundred unlabelled screenshots.

About Mielad Niekzad

Mielad Niekzad is the founder of Casewell, a private custody-journaling app for individual parents who want to keep child-related events and supporting material organised without requiring the other parent’s participation. Casewell is designed for private record-keeping rather than communication between co-parents.

Visit Casewell: https://getcasewell.com/

Mielad is not a solicitor and this article provides general information only. It does not constitute legal advice.

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Family Court Leaves Children In Uncertainty For Nine Months
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Family Court Leaves Children In Uncertainty For Nine Months

Published on
Alison Bull
Alison Bull
Partner
Mills & Reeve LLP
Donna Morgan
Donna Morgan
Counsellor and Therapist
Donna Morgan Counselling
Jane Ingleby
Jane Ingleby
Partner
Mills & Reeve LLP

 

 

 

 

 

 

Private law family court cases took an average of nine months to conclude over the last two years, meaning children involved in proceedings are effectively spending the equivalent of a full school year or around six summer holidays in legal limbo, new analysis reveals.

The research, conducted by leading law firm Mills & Reeve, used Freedom of Information requests submitted to HM Courts and Tribunals Service (HMCTS) to obtain detailed data on private family court cases across 2024 and 2025, including case volumes, duration, hearing rates and regional variation.

Across private law, the family courts dealt with 44,494 cases in 2024, with an average duration of 41.8 weeks and 2.5 hearings per case. In the first half of 2025, there were 20,075 cases, with an average duration of 39.7 weeks and 2.4 hearings per case.

Commenting on the findings, Alison Bull, partner at Mills & Reeve, said: “It’s clear that too many families are still facing significant delays in the family courts, with cases routinely lasting around nine months. For children, that is not just a legal process on paper, it’s the equivalent of a full school year spent in uncertainty or around six summer holidays. Research shows that outcomes for children and young people can be negatively affected by ongoing parental disagreement and conflict, which can further feed into that uncertainty.

“While there are some signs of modest improvement in parts of the system, overall progress remains limited and uneven. The picture continues to point to sustained pressure on the family courts, with persistent delays and variability in outcomes across different types of cases and regions, indicating that underlying challenges in capacity and timeliness have not yet been fully addressed.”

These delays can prolong disputes and make it more difficult for families to move forward, leaving children without stability or certainty while arrangements remain unresolved. Donna Morgan, an experienced counsellor with more than 26 years of practice supporting children, young people, adults and families, said:

“In my experience, it’s often the uncertainty surrounding separation and divorce that has the greatest emotional impact on children. Children are remarkably resilient when they feel safe, informed and supported. However, when decisions remain unresolved for extended periods, children can be left feeling anxious, confused and emotionally unsettled.

“Children rely on stability and predictability to feel secure. When they are unsure where they will live or when they will see each parent, many begin to worry about things they cannot control. What they need is reassurance, consistency and confidence that the adults around them are working to protect their wellbeing. This can make a significant difference to a child’s emotional health both during separation and in the years that follow.”

Across both years, the North West remained the highest region for hearings per private law family court case across both 2024 and 2025, recording an average of 2.8. Meanwhile, London recorded the lowest average hearings per case in 2024 at 2.3, while Wales recorded the lowest average in 2025 at 2.1.

As a result of these delays, family arbitrations in England and Wales have doubled since 2023, according to figures from the Institute of Family Law Arbitrators. This followed a rule change in 2024 requiring parties to consider alternative forms of dispute resolution before proceeding to court.

Family arbitration is a private process used to resolve financial and children arrangement disputes when couples separate, providing a binding decision without the need for court proceedings where agreement cannot be reached through mediation or negotiation. It can be used to resolve disputes concerning children as well as financial matters.

Jane Ingleby, partner at Mills & Reeve, added: “When court timetables are stretched, families often benefit from considering alternative routes to resolution. Solutions like family arbitration offer a private and structured way to resolve disputes about finances and children without the delays of court. 

“It allows parties to choose an experienced decision-maker, set more flexible timetables and reach binding outcomes more quickly, while maintaining confidentiality. For many separating couples, it can provide a more efficient and focused way of resolving issues at what is often a very difficult time.”

Donna has also shared five tips for parents supporting children through separation:  

  • Provide age-appropriate honesty: Children need truthful information that is appropriate for their age and level of understanding. 
  • Maintain routines wherever possible: Regular routines around school, activities, mealtimes and bedtime help children feel secure.
  • Keep children out of adult conflict: Children should never feel responsible for managing communication between parents or be asked to take sides. 
  • Encourage emotional expression: Create opportunities for children to talk, ask questions, draw, play, or express their emotions in ways that feel comfortable and natural to them. 
  • Offer frequent reassurance: Remind them that the separation is not their fault and that the adults around them are working together to keep them safe and cared for.

Read more articles by Mills & Reeves LLP.

About Alison Bull

Alison is a highly experienced family mediator, financial and children arbitrator, and lawyer. She is passionate about sorting things out without attending court if possible, and used to handling complex, conflictual situations in England & Wales and internationally. She focuses on the bigger picture and the best interests of children, and is an effective litigator when required. Alison helps clients to agree parenting plans, and with issues about property, businesses, trusts, pensions and international assets. As well as working with individuals, she has conducted many cases working with separating couples who want to reach agreement together in mediation or with the advice of one lawyer.

About Donna Morgan

Donna Morgan is an experienced counsellor with more than 26 years of practice supporting children, young people, adults and families. She specialises in anxiety, trauma, family relationships, separation and emotional wellbeing. Drawing on a humanistic and trauma-informed approach, Donna helps parents and children navigate significant life transitions with greater emotional safety, resilience and understanding.

Alongside her private practice in Surrey, Donna has extensive experience working within educational settings and supporting families through periods of change, conflict and emotional challenge. Her work focuses on helping parents better understand their children’s emotional needs while building healthier communication and stronger family relationships during times of transition.

About Jane Ingleby

Jane is a highly experienced family law solicitor, with a particular focus on complex financial and children matters. Her practice includes high-conflict child arrangements, allegations of alienating behaviours and domestic abuse, UK and international relocation and surrogacy.

She is also highly skilled in advising on the financial aspects of separation, especially in cases involving businesses and trusts. In addition, Jane provides expert guidance on wealth protection, including pre- and post-nuptial agreements.

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Term-Time Holiday Fines: What Happens When Separated Parents Disagree
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Term-Time Holiday Fines: What Happens When Separated Parents Disagree

Published on
Teresa Davidson
Teresa Davidson
Partner & Head of Family
Winston Solicitors

Every August, the same story runs. The fines have gone up. It’s £80 per parent, per child, doubling to £160 if you don’t pay in time. Take three children to Spain in June, and the cost gets uncomfortable quickly.

However, what the coverage almost never addresses is the household where the decision was never a joint one. Because a notice is issued per parent, a single trip can produce a fine for a parent who did not book it, did not agree to it and did not go. That is not an anomaly or a misapplication of the rules; it is simply how the framework works.

The framework introduced in August 2024 was designed to bring consistency to how absence is treated across England. It is admirably clear about what triggers a notice and what it costs. It is silent on the question separated parents most often ask: my ex booked this, so why am I being fined for it?

What the Rules Say About Fines

The National Framework for Penalty Notices took effect on 19 August 2024. It sets a single national threshold: a notice must be considered where a child has 10 sessions of unauthorised absence, usually five school days, within a rolling 10 school week period. Those absences do not need to be consecutive.

A first notice is £80 per parent, per child, if paid within 21 days, rising to £160 if paid between days 22 and 28. A second notice for the same child within three years is a flat £160. After two notices in three years, the local authority considers prosecution instead, and a conviction means a criminal record. Head teachers can authorise absence only in exceptional circumstances, and cheaper flights are not one of them.

All of that tells you what a fine costs, but none of it tells you what happens when the two people with parental responsibility disagree.

Why the Law Counts You as a Parent Even if You Said No

Here is the point that catches people out, and the reason the framework produces results that feel so unjust to separated families.

For education law purposes, “parent” is defined far more widely than most people expect. It captures every biological or adoptive parent, everyone else holding parental responsibility, and, separately, any person who has care of the child. It says nothing about who booked the holiday, who paid for it, or who travelled. The legislation asks who the child’s parents are, not who made the decision, and that distinction is the whole difficulty for separated families.

The practical effect is that a parent who did not consent, did not book and stayed at home all week still falls within the definition, and can be issued with a notice on that basis. Depending on the circumstances, a new partner with day-to-day care of the child may fall within it too, even without parental responsibility.

To illustrate how quickly that can add up, imagine a separated couple with two children. One parent takes both away for a week in term time without the other’s agreement. In principle, that is four notices, one to each parent for each child. Paid promptly, that would come to £320. Left beyond 21 days, it would be £640.

Can Both Parents be Fined for One Trip?

In principle, yes, but in practice, it depends significantly on where you live. Local authorities decide whether to issue, and approaches vary. Some will consider written representations from a parent who neither knew about nor consented to the absence. Others issue to both as a matter of routine. It is worth contacting the attendance team promptly, and in writing, to find out which applies to you.

Understanding what a penalty notice is helps here. It is an out-of-court settlement offered as an alternative to prosecution, not to a conviction, and there is no formal right of appeal. The realistic choices are to pay, or to decline and put your case forward if prosecution follows. Keep in mind that the second route carries real risk and should not be taken without advice, because the available defences are narrow.

If you are making representations, what is likely to carry weight is evidence that you objected: a dated message to the other parent, an email to the school before the absence asking that your objection be recorded, confirmation of the child arrangements in place.

Object in writing to the other parent and to the school, and do it before the trip rather than after the notice arrives.

How the Court Can Stop a Trip Before it Happens

Taking a child out of school for a holiday is an exercise of parental responsibility. Where parents who share it cannot agree, the family court can decide for them.

A Prohibited Steps Order under section 8 of the Children Act 1989 prevents a particular step being taken without the court’s permission. In this context, that step would be removing the child from school during term time, or taking them out of the country for the trip. In deciding whether to make the order, the court applies the welfare checklist, weighing the disruption to the child’s education against the value of the holiday itself, and considering whether the objection is genuinely child-focused.

Section 8 also helps the parent on the other side of the argument. A Specific Issue Order asks the court to decide a particular question about a child’s upbringing, and the travelling parent can apply for one to seek approval for the trip when the other parent refuses.

Timing matters enormously. These applications can be made urgently, and in a genuine emergency without notice, but the court prefers advance notice and evidence that agreement was attempted first. In most cases you will also be expected to have attended a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting. A parent who takes advice in April about a June trip has options, but a parent who calls two days before departure has very few.

If the trip involves taking the child overseas, the issue may be far more serious than an unauthorised absence. Taking a child out of the UK without the consent of everyone with parental responsibility, or without the court’s permission, can amount to child abduction.

There is one exception, which is if a child arrangements order names you as the person the child lives with. Then, you can take them abroad for up to a month without the other parent’s consent. However, that exception only covers taking the child out of the country. It says nothing about school. A parent relying on it is still keeping the child out of lessons without authorisation, and can still be fined for it.

If you Already Have a Child Arrangements Order

Most child arrangements orders deal with where a child lives and/or when they spend time with each parent. Few say anything useful about term time travel or who applies to the school for leave of absence.

That gap is worth closing. Provisions that repay the effort include a minimum notice period for proposed holidays, an express agreement that neither parent will book term time travel without the other’s written consent, and agreement on how any penalty will be shared.

What to do Next

If you want to travel in term time, then ask the head teacher in advance and expect refusal. Secure the other parent’s written agreement before you book. Agree in writing who bears any penalty. Remember that going ahead without agreement may fine the other parent too, which rarely improves the co-parenting relationship.

If you object, then say so in writing, immediately, and keep the record. Tell the school before the absence. Take advice early rather than in the final week, when the options have already narrowed. If a notice arrives, do not simply ignore it.

The disagreement addressed in April is usually resolved with a conversation or a letter. The same disagreement left until the week of departure is resolved with an urgent court application, at far greater cost, and with the child considerably more aware of it. That last point is the one worth holding on to.

This article is general information about the law in England as at the date of publication and is not legal advice. Penalty amounts, thresholds and local authority practice are subject to change.

About Teresa Davidson

Teresa Davidson is a Partner and Head of Family at Winston Solicitors, advising on all aspects of private children law, including child arrangements, disputes over parental responsibility and urgent applications to the family court.

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Why Proposed Reforms are Vital to Financially Protect Cohabiting Couples
Happy young couple moving to new house together.
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Why Proposed Reforms are Vital to Financially Protect Cohabiting Couples

Published on
Katie Jennings
Katie Jennings
Solicitor
Jones Myers

Jones Myers niche family law firm  has been at the forefront of ongoing campaigns to overhaul outdated cohabitation laws which currently do not give couples living together legal protection or rights if they split up.    

This is a far cry from the situation with married couples, who, on separation, are safeguarded in crucial areas such as savings, income, pensions, property, business interests, and their children’s future.

We therefore embrace proposals at the heart of a Government consultation which seeks to protect cohabitants who are parting ways in areas including financial remedies – and in situations when one of them dies without leaving a will.

As a specialist family law firm we are frequently instructed by clients – who have been cohabiting and are unmarried or in a civil partnership – and who are unaware that they have no automatic rights to their partner’s property or savings when their relationship breaks down.   

The current situation can cause even more uncertainly when there are children from the relationship. 

As we await the outcome of the proposed changes, we suggest that cohabitees in this situation  obtain advice about their protections under the law – ideally before they move in together – or at any stage of their cohabiting relationship. 

More couples are entering into Cohabitation Agreements which set out how financial matters within the relationship will be managed . The contracts are especially useful documents in circumstances where people already own assets in their sole names or have made purchases with contributions from parents or from inheritance. They provide an essential roadmap for them to follow should they split up.  

It is important that each party seeks independent legal advice and discloses all financial information in the lead up to signing the agreement, which should be reviewed regularly.

Entered into correctly, a cohabitation agreement is legally binding and can be used as the framework for a Prenuptial Agreement should marriage be on the cards. 

Jones Myers is committed to helping our clients navigate these issues, whether through our team of specialist family lawyers or through our experienced mediation practitioners. 

More on the Government consultation, which closes on August 14, can be found here.  

For queries on cohabitation agreements or any areas of divorce and family law, call 0113 246 0055 (Leeds) 01423 276104 (Harrogate), 202550 (York). Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet @helpwithdivorce

Jones Myers blog is ranked 5th in the 20 Best UK Family Law Blogs to Follow in 2026.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Katie Jennings

Katie is a member of Jones Myers’ award-winning Divorce and Financial Remedies Department. A family law specialist skilled in litigation, Katie is also a family mediator currently working towards accreditation with the Family Mediation Council. 

Committed to reaching solutions which avoid going to court, Katie was drawn to Jones Myers’ standing as  a leading niche family law firm with a focus on resolving relationship breakdown through non-confrontational routes. Katie is based at the York city centre offices of Jones Myers at The Quadrant, Bootham Row.   

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The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

Published on
Monika Braglewicz
Monika Braglewicz
Breakup and Divorce Coach
Coach With Monika

When people think about divorce, they usually picture the obvious milestones.

Finding somewhere new to live, speaking to a solicitor, working out finances, telling family and friends, learning how to co-parent. What they don’t picture is sitting alone at 11pm, scrolling through every app on their phone, quietly scrolling through years of shared digital life.

Yet for many people, that’s exactly what happens. I call it the digital divorce.

It’s the process of separating your online life from someone else’s. Removing them from shared accounts, changing passwords, updating emergency contacts, deciding what to do with thousands of photos.

These might sound like small jobs, but they often carry much more emotional weight than people expect.

It’s a part of separation that very few people talk about, despite the fact it’s becoming something almost everyone experiences.

When your phone won’t let you move on

Years ago, reminders of a relationship were mostly physical. A jumper left in the wardrobe, a wedding photo on the mantelpiece, a favourite restaurant you avoided for a while.

Today, our relationships exist just as much online as they do offline. Your ex might still be saved as “Home” in your Uber account.

Google Photos might decide today is the perfect day to remind you about a holiday you took together three years ago. Spotify is still asking whether you want to continue your Duo subscription. Your phone still autofills their address.

None of these things are big on their own. But together, they create a constant stream of unexpected reminders that can make it much harder to move on.

Why social media makes letting go harder

Then there’s social media. For many people, resisting the temptation to look at an ex-partner’s profile becomes one of the hardest parts of healing.

Research suggests between 60% and 70% of people admit checking an ex’s social media after a breakup, while some academic studies have found the figure could be as high as 88%. Psychologists often refer to this behaviour as digital surveillance or attachment monitoring, and research has consistently linked it with higher emotional distress and greater difficulty moving on.

It isn’t because people necessarily want their relationship back.

Sometimes they’re simply curious, sometimes they’re looking for reassurance they’ve made the right decision, sometimes they’re hoping to see signs that the other person isn’t coping either.

Whatever the reason, those quick checks often keep people emotionally connected to someone they’re trying to let go of. As a divorce coach, I hear clients describe this all the time.

They know looking isn’t helping them, but the urge can feel almost automatic. One look turns into five minutes. Five minutes turns into an evening spent analysing photographs, comments and who’s liked whose posts. It’s exhausting.

Healing isn’t just emotional anymore

One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed over the years is that healing after divorce isn’t only about processing emotions anymore.

It’s also about managing technology. Something as simple as changing your emergency contact can suddenly become emotional.

Removing someone from your medical records, taking them off your insurance policy or deleting them as your next of kin isn’t just administration. It’s another sign that your life has changed.

Even deciding what to do with old photographs can feel impossible. Some people want to delete everything immediately. Others can’t bear the thought of losing those memories, even though they know looking at them hurts. Neither response is wrong.

The important thing is recognising that these aren’t simply digital tasks. They’re emotional milestones, and they deserve the same patience and compassion you would give yourself in any other part of the divorce process.

Give yourself permission to do it step by step

One mistake people often make is believing they have to sort everything out in one weekend. In reality, the digital divorce can happen in stages.

Start with the practical things that protect your independence and security.

Change passwords, update emergency contacts, remove shared payment methods, review which apps still have access to your location or personal information.

Those changes aren’t about erasing someone from your life. They’re about creating healthy boundaries.

The more emotional tasks like deleting photographs can wait until you’re ready.

Creating space for what’s next

One of the ways I encourage clients to think about the digital divorce is this:

You’re not deleting your past, you’re creating space for your future.

Every account you separate, every password you update, they’re all small reminders that you’re rebuilding your own life.

That doesn’t diminish the relationship or pretend it never mattered, it just acknowledges that you’re making room for new routines, new memories and eventually, a new chapter.

You’re not the only one experiencing this

The hardest part about the digital divorce is that so many people go through it without realising it has a name.

Friends prepare you for the legal process. They prepare you for mediation, they prepare you for financial settlements.

Very few prepare you for the moment your phone unexpectedly reminds you of an anniversary you’d forgotten, or when Spotify asks whether you’d like to continue sharing your subscription.

These moments can feel surprisingly painful because they arrive without warning.

If you’ve found yourself caught off guard by something as simple as updating an app or seeing an old photograph appear on your screen, you’re not overreacting.

You’re experiencing a very modern part of separation that many people quietly struggle through. Healing today isn’t just about letting go emotionally. Sometimes it’s about gently logging out of the life you once shared, one password, one app and one small digital thread at a time.

About Monika Braglewicz

Monika is an accredited breakup and divorce coach who helps people navigate relationship change with clarity, confidence and compassion. Having overcome divorce, financial hardship and homelessness herself, she combines lived experience with professional coaching to support clients through separation, co-parenting, heartbreak and life after divorce, helping them rebuild with resilience and purpose.

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