Tucker Lieberman

Calling Yourself "Divorced"
Young teenage girl looking in the mirror in the room.
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Calling Yourself “Divorced”

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Unless you’ve always been with your secondary school sweetheart, there was probably a time when you thought of yourself as “single.” Then you were “engaged,” then “married.” If you’re headed toward divorce, your marital status will need yet another label. At some point, you’ll take a deep breath and say: “divorced.”

Whereas engagement and marriage were happy updates, divorce usually has negative feelings swirling around it, which makes people reluctant to admit that their status has changed.

However, it’s important to be honest about your marital status, especially when you’re introducing yourself to a potential new match. A Custody X Change study of recently divorced Americans found that most people wait until their divorce is finalised to start seeing someone new. You don’t ever have to start dating again, of course, but most divorced people do, whether they make an effort to meet someone new or a relationship sparks unexpectedly.

In situations like this, using the right label can be helpful. Calling yourself “divorced” quickly communicates your marital status to others so you start new relationships on solid footing. It also helps you to face facts and move forward.

Acknowledging Negative Feelings About Getting Divorced

You may be dwelling on the question of who’s responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Maybe you sought the divorce or agreed to it, and in that sense, you “wanted” the divorce. Or maybe you resisted the divorce: your spouse asked for it, and you’ve never had much choice about it. Either way, divorce wasn’t part of your original plan when you first got married, which can make it tough to accept what’s happening.

It’s common to have multiple negative feelings about divorcing. You may feel:

  • Disappointed in your spouse for having betrayed you or neglected to support you.
  • Inadequate for having failed your spouse in some way.
  • Exhausted because marriage was harder than you expected.
  • Overwhelmed by a toxic or abusive dynamic.
  • Confused because you’re still in love with your spouse.
  • Embarrassed in front of your friends who came to your wedding, showed goodwill and spent happy times with you as a couple.
  • Ashamed in front of your parents or religious leaders who expected or encouraged you to stay married.
  • Frustrated because you didn’t have the happy marriage you believed you had worked for or deserved.
  • Fearful that this divorce will make you seem less desirable to future partners.

If you attach negative feelings to the idea of divorce, it’ll feel harder to call yourself “divorced.”

Feelings can be helpful indicators — even the negative ones. It’s good to notice what your ex may be feeling and to process your own feelings. Eventually, though, you may benefit from taking a more neutral view of divorce.

Uncertainty can also affect how you describe your marital status. If you’re factually unsure whether your marriage is ending or you’re not yet ready to admit it, you may avoid saying you’re “getting divorced” because you believe that’s inaccurate. You may generally avoid the topic to stop others from making false assumptions about which spouse hurt the other or which spouse walked away from the marriage. It’s understandable that you don’t want to spread falsehoods or have to deal with others’ misrepresentations of you.

If you’re a parent, though, you’ll need a way to explain the changes to your children. Ultimately you’ll have to explain it to yourself too.

When you’re ready, telling people you’re divorced is a way to speak the truth and to take control of your own narrative.

Call Yourself “Divorced” When You’re Ready

At some point in the not-too-distant future, you’ll have to communicate your marital status. You may simply be making casual conversation with neighbors or filling out a form at the doctor’s office. You’ll want to speak truthfully and also feel emotionally prepared with language that makes sense for you.

Sometimes people who are winding down a marriage want to be precise about their living arrangement or their marital status. They may call themselves “separated” while they’re still legally married but living apart from their spouse, then call themselves “divorced” only after a court finalises the end of their marriage. They may specify that they’ve gotten a financial clean break from their spouse (if they’re speaking with an estate agent or letting agent, for example).

Some people sum up by giving the relationship status “it’s complicated.” That’s fine if you don’t mind people knowing you’re going through some changes. Expect that it will provoke curiosity.

You may simply call yourself “single” to say that you don’t currently have a romantic partner. Your spouse has been an important part of your life, and you may be surprised that it isn’t always necessary to specify that you used to be married. Your ex-spouse is no longer around, so why mention them at all? “Single” can be an appropriate word choice. It implies you’re free of romantic commitments and open to a new relationship. Many people consider themselves single before their divorces are legally finalised, so pay attention to what other people mean by this word and what they believe you mean by it, so no one feels misled.

Words have power, and there’s a lot of weight in the word “divorce.” You may have an emotional moment when you call yourself “divorced” for the first time. Though it can be sad, it’s an opportunity for truthfulness, self-acceptance and the personal growth that follows.

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

You might be interested in

Do You Have to Use AI in Your UK Divorce?

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Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

UK solicitors, including those in family law firms, are using diverse AI tools in 2026. If you hire a solicitor, they’ll likely make some use of AI in your case. Exactly what use may be appropriate will vary depending on your situation. If you’re representing yourself, then it’s up to you what technology you use to organise your information and present your case to the court.

If you have legal representation

Family law involves the physical and emotional safety and overall well-being of adults and children. The tools that today we call “AI” can’t replace human sensitivity and expertise in this area. Legal experts do, however, use AI to enhance their research process and their judgments.

Many law firms use specialised AI systems that train on legal documents. These systems are called Retrieval Augmented Generation (RAG) because they retrieve specialised data to generate text. These systems are more accurate and effective than generic chatbots that train on whatever text they can scrape or are fed. RAG minimises what are called “hallucinations,” that is, words that do not correspond to reality.

Some AI tools are designed to give risk assessments — for example, about possible threats to a child’s well-being. These tools can be biased, insofar as there can be bias in data they reference or in how they are coded. Other tools are designed to help adults negotiate a financial compromise by predicting what they’ll settle for. This can speed up mediation or arbitration in family law.

A September 2024 survey conducted for Clio, a legal technology company, found that nearly all UK law firms were using AI in some way. Drafting documents was one of the most common uses. Most solicitors who were surveyed said they felt their use of AI did not make them more productive, improve their work quality, reduce their stress, or even save them time. They may have meant that they used it often and it wasn’t helpful, or that it was helpful but they didn’t yet use it often. Most reported that their firms intended to increase their use of AI.

One reason law firms use AI is that they know other firms are using it. The availability of AI resets expectations for what kind of legal representation is adequate. A solicitor is professionally obligated to represent their client competently; therefore, they may use AI especially if they believe it could help their client win or lower their client’s legal bills.

There is even an AI-only law firm, Garfield AI, the first of its kind in the UK. However, it doesn’t practice family law. It generates letters to recover small debts. If you seek help from a family law firm, there will be a human involved in the process.

 

If you’re handling your court case on your own

Simply because “you don’t know what you don’t know,” try to at least consult with a legal expert if at all possible. They can let you know if they anticipate you might need to pay attention to a certain topic or if you might encounter something complex. If you can’t afford the help you need, see if you qualify for legal aid. Be aware that a designated assistant called a McKenzie friend can come to court with you.

Divorces and cases for child arrangements are stressful. Reading and writing can be part of that stress, and sometimes people look for ways to smooth the path. A basic AI program can help you summarise a stack of documents, draft a letter, change your text to make it sound formal for court or simple enough for a child to understand, or translate between English and another language.

Even so, don’t rely on AI to do all your research and communication for you. Remember that AI can overlook important information, suggest wording that’s false or otherwise inadvisable for you to say, and miss the nuance of what others have said. There are many reasons not to make a parenting plan with AI — for example, you’d be better off using a template that has a history of being accepted in court. And you’ll want to make your own schedule carefully so you know exactly what parental responsibilities you’re promising, down to the hour.

Don’t ask a mainstream AI platform like ChatGPT for legal advice. Though it may be able to generally describe the law where you live, it could leave you with inaccurate impressions, as it has likely trained on information about the United States and other countries. Secondly, no AI program begins with any unique facts about your case, like the real reason you broke up with your ex or what homework help your child needs. Before it could even begin to summarise your situation, you’d have to provide a lot of private information, which you might not feel comfortable providing to an AI company. And even with that information, a basic AI text generator might not be able to help you protect yourself or strategise.

 

Choose how to organise and present your own information

You and your children deserve to put your best foot forward and make your strongest possible case in court. A solicitor, if you hire one, will have ideas about how to do this, and they’ll likely use AI in some way. If you’re representing yourself, you can make your own choices about how you’ll comply with court requirements.

Everyone who goes to court can use technology to stay organised. You’ll likely want to record your living expenses, save your text messages with your ex, and format a professional-looking document. There’s software for this, like Custody X Change and other co-parenting apps, that doesn’t involve “AI.”

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

You might be interested in

When You're Becoming a Stepparent, Be Present and Patient
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When You’re Becoming a Stepparent, Be Present and Patient

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

When you’re partnering with someone who already has a child, you can expect to play a significant role in that child’s life. As you move in with and marry your partner, your involvement with their child is likely to increase. The child may not feel comfortable with you immediately, and it’s OK to take it slow. Patience, compassion and steadiness make a big difference. 

Starting slow as a new parental figure

Children appreciate when adults take an interest in them. While you’re first getting to know your partner’s kids, observe the family dynamics and learn what the kids are like as individuals. You may not need to be hands-on at first. Just be present and actively witness what their family life is like. Gradually become part of it.

You might be inclined to give the children treats as a way of gaining their goodwill. However, spoiling them can make you a “Disneyland stepparent” — with your partner doing the hard work of child care, while you’re there for TV, ice cream and outings. This won’t be a good long-term dynamic, as it sets unrealistic expectations and leaves everyone frustrated.

At an early stage in your stepparenting role, you can simply affirm or gently enforce existing household rules. Later, you may take a more active disciplinary role. 

No one can force a child to feel a particular way about their stepparent. You can’t choose a child’s feelings nor when those feelings change. That shift may be internal and private to them, or they may share their feelings about you with other people they trust rather than conveying them to you directly.

Nonetheless, a parent can say that their child has to respect and obey their stepparent, while a stepparent can support and reinforce parent–child relationships.

Family intimacy grows over time. Hugging and other expressions of affection may happen when they seem natural or appropriate.

Meanwhile, keep putting effort into yourself and your new marriage.

  • Practice self-care. You matter too, and you show up best for others when you value yourself.
  • When you’re upset, take responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t make a child reassure you, predict your moods or accommodate your needs.
  • Pay attention to your spouse. It not only develops and deepens the relationship between the two of you, it enables you to show up for the kids too.
  • Encourage your spouse and their ex to cooperate on parenting matters. If they handle issues out of court, great. Don’t escalate drama.

Form a new sense of who you are as a family

Consciously choose your language. Your stepchild can give input on what they feel comfortable calling you — your first name or something else. This might be a part of your relationship that you can co-create.

Similarly, think about how you name your relationship to them. Originally, they were your partner’s kids. Once you’re married, you might call them your “stepkids”, but if the word “step” doesn’t feel right, maybe you refer to them as “our kids” or “the kids.”

You and your spouse should support the child’s other family relationships. Sometimes a stepparent adopts their stepchild, becoming the legal parent, after which (depending on the situation) the child may or may not have any contact with the former parent. But if the other parent will remain in the picture and you’ll remain the step-parent, you should enable appropriate parent–child contact.

It’s in the child’s best interests to keep their family connections, even if they don’t yet understand that. Respect those relationships and help preserve them. Don’t try to replace other important people in your step child’s life, especially their other parent. The child may suffer real loss when people come and go. Don’t give them a reason to resent or blame you later.

Allow your step child to have private time with both of their parents: your spouse and your spouse’s ex. Start your own unique activities with the child so they can come to understand and appreciate you as an individual.

As a married couple, when you welcome the kids back to your house after they’ve visited their other parent, respect the time they may need to settle back in. Handovers can be stressful, sad or confusing. You don’t have to pretend otherwise and push the kids to socialise if they need time to rest. Empathise, acknowledge their feelings and connect with them. And don’t interrogate the kids about what they did with their other parent.

If you’re bringing your own children to the marriage too, reassure them that your love for them won’t diminish just because you’ve remarried and have new stepchildren. Find ways you can all merge into a family. Kids of similar ages may form special bonds with each other.

Stepparenting is a role in which you’ll not only support your stepchild’s growth — you’ll grow too. Your stepparenting will be a big part of your family’s future.

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

You might be interested in

Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent
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Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

If you and your ex will co-parent your child, you’ll be in regular communication to make it happen. That means you’ll need to find new ways to speak and work together.

At least one of you will have to make big decisions for your child: where they’ll go to school, how their special needs will be supported, which religion to raise them in, and whether to pursue a complex medical treatment. Some co-parents make these kinds of decisions together. Even if you don’t, one of you will have to inform the other of the big rules that guide your child’s life.

You and your ex will also coordinate exactly when and where you’ll exchange your child, and you’ll have to notify each other if you’re running late. You’ll pass on minor details like whether your kid already ate dessert or argued with a friend.

So, even as you envision a new life apart from your ex, stay realistic about your future need to talk to them. Though you’ll no longer be spouses, you’ll have important roles in each other’s lives.

Talking with Your Ex During the Divorce Process

A split can be so emotionally painful that it’s hard to keep open lines of communication. The hurt that one of you caused the other, or that both of you caused each other, is real. Nevertheless, for parents, it’s crucial to keep talking for your child’s sake.

Ideally, both of you should try to give your child as much stability as possible until the court can order a child arrangement, which means agreeing to a parenting routine and sticking to it civilly (rather than yanking the child back and forth and arguing in front of them).

You’ll also benefit from negotiating productively so you can get a fair outcome for your child and for yourselves. In the UK, parents may use mediation, collaborative practice or arbitration to help them reach decisions out of court.

Keeping open lines of communication doesn’t mean you have to pick up the phone at any hour of the night, respond to excessive text messages, or tolerate disrespectful emails. Nor does it mean you have to tell absolutely everything to your ex or allow them to micromanage your parenting time. You each deserve some privacy and autonomy.

In fact, communicating well as co-parents involves respecting each other’s limits. It’s a great idea to explicitly set boundaries with your ex. Do your part to obey the limits in good faith, and apologise when you make a mistake. Thank your co-parent for respecting your boundaries, and calmly hold them accountable when they don’t.

Rebuilding Your Co-Parenting Dynamic for Your Child’s Sake

It’s widely recognised that it’s in a child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. Sometimes there’s a reason to exclude one parent from the child’s life, but apart from situations of parental abuse or neglect, children generally benefit from meaningful, frequent contact with both parents.

In the UK, it’s common for courts to order shared parenting, meaning that the court divides parenting time close to equally. You’ll have to follow the order, and that will entail working together with your former spouse.

While some exes remain amicable and genuinely appreciate knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives, others insist on limiting conversations to matters involving their child. If one of you wants minimal interaction, the other has to accept reality and learn to let go.

And while spouses may have once enjoyed regular contact with each other’s family members and friends, most divorcing people find that those mutual connections decrease and eventually disappear. An exception would be if one of those adults is a carer for their child.

To help grant each other a sense of freedom and privacy, some co-parents agree to use only a designated messaging app with each other. Or they may agree to refrain from mentioning each other on social media.

Divorce is no easy road, but starting today, you can strive to build a good life for yourself and your child. By putting your best foot forward and interacting in good faith with your ex, you form a new co-parenting dynamic. What you do today leads to a better tomorrow.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

You might be interested in