The Most Common (and Costly) Mistakes People Make During Divorce

After more than four decades working with separating families, I have learnt that while every relationship is unique, the mistakes people make during divorce are often strikingly similar.

Time and again, I see good people lose time, money and emotional energy by approaching separation in ways that unintentionally make matters worse. Some delay getting advice. Others become trapped in conflict, guilt or the pursuit of “fairness” at any cost. The good news is that most of these pitfalls are avoidable.

Whether your separation is relatively amicable or highly complex, understanding the common mistakes people make during divorce proceedings can help you protect your finances, preserve your wellbeing and move more quickly towards a workable future.

These are some of the issues I encourage people to address:

1. Not getting started

Not every falling out leads to separation but problems left unresolved often become more complicated over time.

When you know the relationship cannot return to where it was, getting advice early can help you move forward with more clarity and confidence.

2. Overlooking “safety first”

In some situations, separation follows a relationship affected by power imbalance, coercion or control. That does not always mean the first step is seeking injunctions, which can increase tension and costs and may only be necessary in a minority of situations.

It does mean taking time to consider how you can protect your wellbeing and approach discussions from the strongest possible position.

If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit.  Everything follows from this.

3. Forgetting that there are only so many ways forward

In most situations, there are only a small number of possible outcomes:

• You reach an agreement together
• Things remain unresolved
• An outcome is imposed through a legal process.

If an outcome is imposed, it is likely to reflect the legal framework rather than either person’s sense of fairness or preference.

4. Falling back on personal morality when the law is involved

Whether acting as a representative, mediator, arbitrator or within the one lawyer process, I often hear people express their position in terms of what feels fair or unfair.

Those feelings are understandable. But once the law becomes part of the solution, the focus changes.

The questions usually become:

• What are the facts?
• What are the relevant legal principles?
• Applying those principles to the facts, what range of outcomes is likely?
• What solution can realistically be achieved within that range?

6. Rolling over too quickly

Seeking resolution does not mean giving up too much simply to bring matters to an end.

Many people agree to arrangements they believe are unfair, simply to achieve a quick conclusion, later regret doing so.

It is important to understand your position, hold onto the points that matter most, and work towards a solution that feels balanced and sustainable. Compromise is often necessary, but it should support a workable outcome rather than create future problems.

7. Struggling to find the right process

Choosing the right process, with the right support, can make a significant difference to both the experience and the outcome.

You do not need to understand every process option at the outset. Your role is to:

1. Find a professional you trust
   B. Be clear about the challenges, concerns and priorities for both you and your ex-partner.

A good adviser will help you explore the available options, whether that involves Mediation, Collaborative Law, Arbitration, Negotiation, Litigation.

They should also be able to connect you with other professionals, including financial specialists and counsellors, where appropriate. Their role is to help guide you towards the process most likely to support a constructive outcome.

8. Seeking to dominate at all costs

In mediation, the most productive conversations often happen when people focus first on listening and understanding.

The barriers to agreement are often found within what the other person is trying to communicate. When both people approach discussions with openness and curiosity, progress is usually faster and more constructive.

Often, it is only by properly understanding another perspective that a workable solution can emerge.

9. Forgetting that most situations have a solution

People often ask how long resolution will take. The honest answer is that it varies widely. Some matters can be resolved quickly, while others take years.

Over time, unresolved issues can become more complicated and emotionally draining. But with goodwill and the right support, many families can reach solutions that work well enough for everyone involved.

10. Becoming stuck in anger, guilt or frustration

Many people find that emotional support is one of the most valuable parts of the process. Having space to process feelings can make it easier to stay focused on practical decisions and long-term outcomes.

At Family Law in Partnership we will usually encourage people to access therapeutic or counselling support, in particular through our BACP regulated colleagues.

11. Waiting too long to get help

It is understandable to hesitate before involving professionals. Legal and therapeutic support can feel costly, both financially and emotionally.

Often trying to resolve everything alone can exhaust the goodwill that still exists between you. Early guidance often helps people move more quickly towards constructive solutions and avoid becoming stuck or drifting further apart in their positions.

Even where couples later continue discussions independently, having the right structure and support at the outset can make the process more productive and less draining.

12. Losing sight of what matters most

If there is one area where common ground can often be found, it is in wanting the best for your children.

Keeping children’s wellbeing at the centre of discussions can help shift the focus away from conflict and towards practical, constructive solutions. In some situations, Child-Inclusive Mediation can help ensure children’s voices are heard appropriately and sensitively.

Prioritising what children need most often creates the strongest foundation for making decisions together about the future.

The aim is not to achieve a “perfect” outcome. It is to reach a solution that is fair, workable and allows everyone involved to move forward with stability and dignity.

Whether you are at the very beginning of separation, struggling to move discussions forward, or facing a particularly complex situation, Family Law in Partnership can help you understand your options and choose the process that best supports you and your family.

Read more articles by James Pirrie.

Read more articles by Family Law in Partnership.

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law.  He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce.  He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.