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How Can Conflict Coaching Help when Going through Divorce?
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How Can Conflict Coaching Help when Going through Divorce?

Published on
Antonia Jenkins
Conflict Resolution Coach Trainer and Accredited Mediator

One of the greatest needs when someone is in conflict, or hurting, is to feel heard, to feel that their feelings and views on the situation are validated.

Attentive, patient and active listening, is in my view, one of the most important skills that either a mediator or coach can bring to the table. It comes more naturally to some than to others, but it is a skill that can be acquired, through practise.

Having been a coach and worked with people in hardship situations, I adapted to conflict coaching quite smoothly.

Jane, my first conflict coaching client many years ago, was such a classic, that I often use her as an example. This initial experience showed me the power not only of listening but of conflict coaching.

Jane was a widow of seven years, now in her 70’s, and beginning to struggle with her health and strength. She had come to me because of a conflict with the manager of her allotment.

He was new and young and wanted to do things differently. Jane, having been a teacher, was used to speaking plainly and to carry weight on the allotment committee. The young man didn’t have much experience handling the conflict, and she was furious and absolutely determined to get what she saw as “her right”.

At first all she talked about was her feeling of disrespect and unjust judgement by this young manager, who finally “kicked her out” of the committee, and was trying to “kick her out” of “her” allotment.

This was of course from her perspective, but right or wrong, the situation had taken over her mind, days and nights, for months now… that’s all she could think about.

I gave her space to talk about the conflict, and it seemed like a pretty difficult situation. She talked and explained for nearly an hour. Then I started to ask a few questions about “HER”, how she was, and she confided how lonely she had been, with her husband gone, 7 years now.

They used to do the allotment together and that common project was all she had left of him. I started to get a glimpse of the reason why she was so affected by the change. Then in the same stride, she began talking about how difficult it was keeping up with the work on the allotment and how she wished she could be free to do things like painting…

As we spoke, it became obvious that her late husband, her grieving and the situation at the allotment were connected.

By the time we ended our conversation, and after unpeeling the situation together, she came to realise that her insistence on wanting to keep the allotment was related to her belated husband and it was in fact, too hard for her on her own, but she had a type of loyalty to keeping it because he loved that allotment.

What “she” really wanted to do was take up painting! There she had said it…. It was one of those light bulb moments for her…. That night, she asked someone to help her collect her tools from the allotment and she turned the page. Most importantly she was set free from the mind traps of the conflict that had been consuming her energy, her sleep, and her every thought.

I want to clarify; I didn’t have any particular opinion on what she should do or not do. It was when we touched on what was really important to her that she realised that it was all part of her not wanting to let go of her shared memories with her late husband.

She was still grieving but longed however for a lighter load, peace of mind and was dreaming of trying out new things like painting and travelling.

Sometimes, when you look at a conflict from the outside, it looks like a ball of yarn that a kitten has been left to play with; but as you begin to pull the threads, things begin to unravel, the main issues and lead threads begin to surface and through active listening and gentle prodding, you are able to arrive at the core, the real need of that person, what made the situation so painful.

The recognition of this very pain often puts the person on the path to recovery and solution finding.

In the case of couples separating, emotions run even higher, all types of emotion, from anger to guilt passing by frustration and denial. A separation is a little like the process of mourning. Something is over, and the one who did NOT initiate the separation will struggle particularly to come to terms with it.

Anger, feeling of unfairness (after all the trying), wanting to hurt the other, feeling sorry for oneself, refusal to accept, all those emotions become interlinked, similar to those of bereavement.

It is a time when getting support from a conflict coach can be a godsend, as he/she will help you find greater clarity and perspective. This is especially important when children are involved.

What couples sometimes don’t really want to face, is that they will be in each other’s lives until the children are grown, and often after that. So the more emotional and “crazy” the situation gets due to the pain, the harder it is to re-establish a “normal” adult trusting relationship where the children’s needs and wellbeing are at the fore. This is, in my opinion the biggest benefits of Conflict Coaching and Mediation, although some details might need to be seen to by lawyers (such as finances).

The support a couple will get from either a Conflict Coach or a Mediator in those initial very difficult conversations is unequalled compared to the legal route. It will set the tone for the entire negotiation. The difference between Conflict Coaching and Mediation? A Conflict Coach will work with one party; a Mediator will work with both parties.

If you are struggling in a conflict, don’t keep it to yourself, get some support, chances are it will enable you to find solutions faster.

About Antonia

Antonia Jenkins is a conflict resolution coach and trainer and an accredited mediator with Albert Square Mediation.  She has considerable workplace and community mediation experience. She is an accomplished linguist, translator and language coach. She also writes extensively. She speaks fluent English, French and Spanish and Portuguese.

She started her career in Brazil and has worked in countries as diverse as Japan, China, Thailand and the Lebanon, where she worked in the prison system, often in very demanding contexts where she had to use her skills and experience to the full. 

A leading member of Speak Street and Hargrave Hall Community Association, Antonia has participated in a number of projects in her local area.  Additionally, she has worked for a number of UK charities notably Victim Support, Centrepoint and Age UK which gives an excellent knowledge of the voluntary and charitable sectors.

In her spare time Antonia writes about community and natural health issues and has contributed to a major published work on community building. Her chapter can be found on her blog: insightsbytoni.blog.

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Reduce Half-term Friction

Co-parenting Children of Divorce and Separation – How Cooperation can Reduce Half-term Friction

Published on
Kate Banerjee
Partner and Head of the Children Department
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

Half-term holidays can spark the onset of headaches for many divorced and separated parents.

The perennial argument over who gets the children – and when – can be further exacerbated by work patterns and domestic arrangements.

Common issues include full time working fathers being unable to arrange days off when colleagues are also requesting leave – sparking mothers’ concerns that their children will be put in Kids’ Clubs or left with a new partner.

Similarly, a parent who works from home or does not work is better placed to justify having the children than their commuting ex.

With increasing family and work demands putting leisure time at a premium, rifts and tensions result in some couples ending up back in court. Here are some tips to reduce the emotional strain of half term.

  1. Set objectives: just as in the wider context of separation and divorce, start with seeking to achieve what is best for the children, despite your feelings or grievances. Genuinely strive for what will make them happiest, don’t criticise your ex in front of them – and avoid asking them directly or indirectly to take sides.
  1. Be flexible: accept that children will want to see as much of both their parents, their grandparents, wider family and their friends as possible. It falls to both parents to try to achieve this – and if it means that you end up spending less time with your children this half-term, discuss it reasonably with your ex to make up for it in the next one.
  1. Communicate regularly: talk to each other and plan ahead – giving you time to agree on and organise logistics, such as travel, seeing wider family and grandparents’ access.
  1. Keep the children updated on what’s happening: they like certainty and security so let them know as far in advance as possible about half-term arrangements. This will help them adjust to the unexpected and, hopefully, present a scenario they can look forward to.

If you really can’t reach agreement with your ex, mediation is a far less stressful, more cost-effective option than a return to court.

About Kate Banerjee

Kate, Head of the Children Department at Leeds and London based Jones Myers, is highly skilled in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes. She specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel with experience representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

As well as working regionally and nationally, Kate has considerable expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit.

Kate has “Higher Court Rights,” something fewer than 2,500 solicitors have in England and Wales, which enables her to offer clients an all-round litigation service.

 

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Couples Counselling
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Couples Coaching – The Case of Clive and Romaine

Published on
Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

Couples Coaching for 2017 – The case of Clive and Romaine Smith, an excellent example of how some timely talking and listening can help save a relationship.

This example also demonstrates that couples coaching is about practicalities and problem solving.

Not so much “Heaven knows I’m miserable now” as “Heaven can see we are working together”.

Clive and Romaine Smith have been together for a little over 15 years and were married 14 years ago.

They have three children, Clive Junior, Max and Marcus aged 13, 10 and 9. Max has recently been diagnosed with what the family GP, Dr Dalziel, terms “severe autism”.

The Smith family reside in a small three-bedroom terraced house which is mortgaged to the Far and Wide Building Society, in Clive’s words, “up to the hilt.”

Clive drives a delivery van undertaking contract work for a number of retailers and works a 60 hour week at minimum wage rates. For the most part, Clive is “self-employed” but one retailer employs him under a zero hours contract and only pays him irregularly.

Romaine works part-time as an administrative assistant in a publishing firm and is on a very low wage. Her employers are very strict about punctuality and her wages are regularly docked because of lateness.

Also, Romaine finds it difficult to meet the very stringent performance targets she is set and sometimes has to work late without recompense. She admits to being very strongly dependent on sleeping tablets.

Romaine claims Child Benefit and Tax Credits and receives an allowance from the local authority in respect of Council Tax  but her family are always very short of money and find it very difficult to balance the books.

She and Clive are consistently in arrears with the mortgage and only pay their utility bills when they receive red reminders. Romaine finds it very difficult to deal with the demands of the tax credit system and as a result has twice been classed as having been overpaid.

Currently, a £700.00 overpayment of this benefit is being clawed back from her ongoing entitlement at a rate equivalent to £10.00 per week.

Max’s educational needs have only recently been “officially” recognised and Romaine and Clive both feel strongly that over a very long period of time, his school SENCO and headteacher have simply failed to address his needs.

Although strictly speaking the GPs reference to “severe autism” is a bit of a misnomer, in practice it is absolutely correct. Max’s behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable.

He is aggressive and demanding in both school environments.

For some reason he recently took a particular dislike to his younger brother and he is constantly teasing and threatening him. Clive and Romaine have quite frequently been called into speak with Max’s headteacher because of his behaviour and in the past year he has been excluded twice for being abusive towards his form teacher and another student.

He is easily led and it is generally considered that he has in his mother’s words “got in with the wrong crowd”. Complaints have been made to the school and to the local authority but notwithstanding the recent diagnosis, little has been done.

Clive and Romaine have found it very hard even to get their son assessed and in reality, they are too tired and too dispirited to fight back and pursue their complaints.

Clearly, Clive and Romaine are under a lot of pressure. At best, Max is surly and uncommunicative. At worst he can be completely out of control.

His parents have to divide their precious time between all three of their children and given his very complex needs, perhaps inevitably, Max does not receive all the help and support that he needs from them, a situation that is made all the worse because of his school’s failings.

Not surprisingly, Clive and Romaine’s relationship is very strained.

They never have any time to themselves and because of the demands placed on them both by their jobs and Max they can go for days at time without communicating properly. They have considered separating and getting divorced but both appreciate that the financial and other consequences would be disastrous for them and their children.

Max would be particularly affected and the reality is that his parents simply cannot afford to separate.

Additionally, Clive and Romaine are both very strongly principled and still love one another. They both take the view that when they got married they made a lifetime commitment and as difficult as their lives are, they have not lost sight of the fact that amongst all the bad times, there have been some very good times. They are especially proud of Marcus who despite having a difficult elder brother to contend with is doing exceptionally well in school and consistently gets very good reports.

The sympathetic Dr Dalziel is very mindful of the Smiths’ circumstances. Following a request from Clive and Romaine for a joint referral for counselling she recommends that they consider seeing a couples counsellor whom she thinks may be able to help them identify some common ground and devise an action plan.

Unfortunately, NHS funding is not available but having agreed to offer the Smiths three one hour sessions at a reduced rate, the counsellor, Josie, makes it abundantly clear that although she is not a lawyer or advisor, there are some non judgemental options that they may care to consider. She suggests they contact a parents’ support group and a benefits advisor, Mr. Moneypenny, who is attached to a local church.

Mr. Moneypenny gives some pointers to Romaine about how to deal with her tax credits problems and to respond to the building society. He also helps her to apply for Disability Living Allowance on Max’s behalf, a benefit that she thought she could not claim because she and Clive are both working (a common misconception).

With these strategies in-place, Josie helps the Smiths to talk through their innumerable concerns and enables them to see that despite all their difficulties, there are a number of positives, not least their commitment to one another and their marriage vows.

She helps them to draw up an informal agreement of their own devising which will help them manage their finances better and keep on top of what they termed “the paperwork and bills”.

Clive and Romaine also feel able to devise some additional strategies so that they can both have a little time to themselves and they jointly resolve to maintain contact with the support group which has agreed to help them resolve their disagreements with Max’s headteacher.

In the course of the sessions with Josie, Clive and Romaine find that for the first time in quite some years they are communicating meaningfully with one another and they reaffirm their commitment to one another.

The immense difficulties that they have had to contend with are only slightly diminished and it cannot be said that they “live happily ever after”. However, they feel they have benefited immensely from Josie’s input and they can face 2017 in a much better frame of mind.

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Ten Top Tips for Reducing the Financial Pain of Separation and Divorce

Ten Top Tips for Reducing the Financial Pain of Separation and Divorce

Published on
financial plan
Mary Waring
Independent Financial Advisor

Everyone wonders what life would be like without enough money.

For people facing up to the reality of divorce or the dissolution of a civil partnership, understanding how the finances will work when they are on their own can feel like one of the biggest worries of all.

Basic maths tells you that running two homes and paying two sets of bills is going to cost more than a single household, and the reality is that many people do find their finances constrained after divorce. That is why it is essential to create a clear financial plan if you are heading towards a separation.

While it is not actually true that divorces peak over Christmas, people do start taking stock over their lives over the festive period.

Research from family law solicitor network Resolution has found that the number of people making online enquiries about family law and separation does spike upwards in January.

Research and planning are crucial if you want to make your divorce as painless as it can possibly be.

Here’s our 10-point checklist for reducing the financial pain of separation.

Don’t rely on your friends for financial and legal help – speak to a professional.

Friends will always tell you what you want to hear, which may not be the truth. Divorce is an incredibly stressful process, but speaking to an expert can lay to rest misconceptions that may have been keeping you up at night, and even stopping you from heading for the door.

For example, it is common to meet women who have spent 20 years looking after the children who do not appreciate that this means they are treated as contributing to the household wealth at an equal rate to the principle breadwinner.

It’s not all about the house – don’t forget about the pension.

The person who will end up doing most of the caring for children, which is usually but not always the wife, often wants one thing above all else – to stay in the family home after divorce.

It can be tempting for the woman to want to keep the house and for the man to want to keep the pension. The roles can be reversed, but the reality is that it is usually this way round. Women should avoid this kind of deal as they will find they have nothing to live on later in retirement.

We are all used to the idea that our home is our biggest asset, but pension benefits can be worth even more.

If one of the parties in a divorce has a final salary pension worth £20,000 a year from retirement, that has an actual cash value of around £600,000, potentially worth more than the family home.

So it is important to factor in the full value of any pension assets into a financial settlement. In England, Wales or Northern Ireland the total value of all pensions built up will fall within the settlement calculation, whereas in Scotland it is only the value of your pension built up while you are married or in your civil partnership.

There are a number of ways pension assets can be recognised in the settlement – through a pension sharing order, where the other party receives a share of the pension, through offsetting the value of the pension against other assets, such as other investments or the value of the house, or through deferred pension sharing, where payments are made from a scheme at a later date when you or your former partner have started receiving the pension payments.

Downsizing – you don’t have to do it just yet, but it may make sense in future.

Many people – particularly women looking after children – find they cannot face the idea of leaving the marital home while the divorce process is ongoing. This desire for a safe and familiar environment at a time of extreme stress is entirely understandable.

But over the longer term this may not be possible. The cost of running a big family home may be too high to fund out of your post-divorce income, and releasing equity by moving somewhere smaller can make a big difference to your overall finances.

You don’t have to cut the cord connecting you to your family home right at the time of the divorce, but you should consider building into your long-term financial plan that you will move six months after the divorce has taken place.

Avoid court proceedings if at all possible.

Unless your ex is completely unreasonable, stubborn and set on having their day in court, do everything you can to avoid aggressive legal proceedings. Taking divorce proceedings to court is a bad idea emotionally, financially and can adversely impact your long-term relationship with your children.

However much you dislike your former partner, it is in your interests to separate on the best terms possible – remember that you will want to be able to feel comfortable going to your child’s graduation ceremony or 21st birthday party years down the line.

What’s more, court documents are public documents, which is why celebrities tend to opt for non-adversarial dispute resolution processes to protect their privacy.

Don’t go rifling through his or her possessions looking for evidence.

Evidence that has been obtained by covert means will not be admissible in the proceedings, so if you find your ex’s key to their secret drawer, there is no point sneaking in and photocopying all of his or her documents.

But it is worth starting asking more questions about financial matters, pensions and other assets if you are getting close to the point where your relationship is about to end.

It is quite common for one party to deal with financial matters, leaving the other party in the dark about what assets and liabilities the household shares. Start finding out what your household outgoings actually are – once you are on your own you will be responsible for all of these.

But do take action if your ex is hiding assets.

If you are worried that your ex is starting to siphon off funds to hide it from the settlement process you can make an emergency application for an emergency injunction to freeze his or her assets.

You need to have started court proceedings to do this, but if you find yourself in this situation it is fair to say it is unlikely that collaboration, mediation or arbitration is going to work for you.

Maximise state tax credits.

The idea of ‘going on benefits’ may not appeal to you, but tax credits are different and lots of people receive them these days.

Child Tax Credit and Working Tax Credit are both designed to assist families with children who are struggling to make ends meet. Neither Child Tax Credit nor Working Tax Credit impact your ability to receive Child Benefit.

The system is complex, but if you have one child and a household income of up to £26,200 then you would be entitled to Child Tax Credit.

With two children you are likely to benefit if you have a household income of up to £32,900. Working Tax Credit is for families on low incomes, and is based on the number of hours worked.

Make sure you don’t pay too much Council Tax

Council Tax is made up of two components – 50 per cent is a property tax and the other half is a personal tax, based on two people living in the property. As soon as your partner moves out, or you move into a property alone, make sure you get your single person discount. This will reduce your bill by 25 per cent.

Rebuild your state pension

Many spouses, usually women, find that they have not built up full entitlement to state pension. To receive the full state pension you need to have worked and paid National Insurance Contributions for a minimum of 35 years, although you do get credit for periods you were not working when you were at home bringing up children under the age of 12.

Up until 2016 it had been possible for a divorcee to rely on their partner’s National Insurance Contributions record for the purposes of calculating state pension entitlement. But changes introduced in April 2016 mean this is no longer possible.

If you are on course to have an incomplete state pension contribution history by the time you retire then it often makes sense to buy extra years through ‘Voluntary National Insurance Contributions’.

These are good value, enabling you to buy around £230 a year for life from state pension age, for a one-off cost of £733. Over a 20-year retirement, that £733 would pay back £4,600.

Invest your settlement carefully

If you have been the financially active party to the relationship, the chances are you will have a clear understanding of how to manage your finances going forward, and crucially, you could well continue to receive regular income through work.

But if you have been staying at home looking after children, things can be very different. While the children are still around your settlement may entitle you to regular maintenance payments from the departed spouse. But once the children leave home you will be reliant on whatever money was agreed in your settlement.

Some people who are unlikely to get a suitable job will find they have to live on their settlement lump sum for the rest of their life. This may look like a large amount of money, but it will have to cover decades of expenditure, so it is important to get advice from a financial planner.

They will help you understand your finances and understand what lifestyle you can afford in the future. A financial planner will do a full lifetime cash flow looking at your future income and spending, and building in assumptions about investment growth, inflation and future taxes.

Based on these inputs and assumptions it will show you whether you’re going to run out of money. If this model shows you are going to run out of cash  you can run “what if” scenarios to see what the impact will be if you work longer than anticipated, downsize or cut your expenditure.

This will give you the knowledge you need to see exactly what you can afford and when.

About Mary

Mary Waring is a Chartered Financial Planner who specialises in advising female clients, particularly women going through a divorce.  She is also an affiliate member of Resolution

Follow Mary – Twitter 

If you are going through divorce or contemplating divorce and would like to discuss your situation please email me at mary@wealthforwomen.biz

(Main photo credit – Jonathan Simcoe)

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considering divorce

Are you Considering Divorce?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Therapist
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

I have gone through divorce twice; the first one was 20 years ago and the second 12 years ago.

Truth is going through divorce is never an easy process however amicable. It will hurt greatly at some point during the process both financially and emotionally but it doesn’t have to define who you are for the rest of your life.

You will get through it. You will be ok but you will have to work hard to be so.

If you’re truly uncertain if divorce is the right way for you to go, I would personally suggest not doing anything for the moment.  Wait and see how you feel later on, maybe next, month or even later.

Ask yourself if you have done all that you can to keep your marriage.  If not, what more can you do?  Do all that you can.

If you’re considering divorce here are some FAQs with responses but you will find a lot more articles, authored by divorce professionals, on The Divorce Magazine to help you through your divorce process.

Do I need a divorce lawyer?

Yes. This should be one of the first and wisest things to do.  I would suggest that you speak with at least 3 divorce lawyers because just as you would get, at the very minimum, 3 different estimations for your kitchen extension, you really should do the same with your divorce lawyer before settling on one.

Why do I need a lawyer?

Simply put, for legal advice. You need to know that whatever steps you’re taking or planning on taking are not only legal and possible but that you’re being realistic and fair to you and your soon-to-be-ex.

How much will a divorce cost?

Very popular question indeed but the simple answer is, it depends on many factors including what divorce process you pick.

There are divorce lawyers who will offer what I would call package deals which are great in giving you some indication of how much the process is likely to cost.  When you speak with the various lawyers, then ask about this.  In fact, do be afraid of asking as many questions as you can think off regarding cost.

As a divorce process, family mediation, for instance, tends to work out much cheaper than working through the whole divorce process solely via lawyers.

The more you and your soon-to-be-ex can agree on together the less expensive your divorce costs are likely to be.

Here’s an article on How to Reduce the Cost of Divorce that can give you even more information.

What other divorce processes are there?

Fortunately, there are many other ways of dealing with your divorce process other than the “traditional” lawyer/client fashion. Here are some:

With the first three divorce processes, you will be working directly with divorce lawyers. With the other two, don’t forget to seek legal advice before agreeing to any divorce settlement.

What about the children, can I get full custody (sole residency)?

This is extremely difficult to get as the courts always seek to do what is right for your children and unless there are major safety issues for instance, they will try and ensure that your children remain in good contact with both parents as much as possible.

Here’s an article that would best answer any questions you have on full custody.

My advice, regarding the children, is to continuously and persistently keep in mind that it benefits them greatly if you can provide them with the space and time where they can see both parents as much as possible by creating an age appropriate parenting plan.

They will be suffering many losses as you go through the divorce and will need both of you to make sure they are ok.

What about child maintenance or child support? How do I know how much to expect or to pay out?

Our article on  Free Child Maintenance Calculator will tell you what factors are taken into consideration regarding child support payments, how to calculate child maintenance as well as how to apply for child maintenance.

If you decide to go ahead and start the divorce process, talk.

Talk to people you trust and talk to your children’s school.  Surround yourself with people whom you know will be supportive and objective and don’t use your lawyer as a counsellor, therapist it’s only likely to cost you and they need to focus on the legal side of your divorce.

Brace yourself for a journey that is likely to get quite emotionally, physically and mentally draining but like I said at the start, you will get over it, you will be ok, you just have to work at getting there because like Maya Angelou once said, “nothing works unless you do”.

If you have even more questions to which you would like some answers then don’t hesitate to contact any of the divorce lawyers who feature in The Divorce Magazine and speak with them.

If your main issue is to do with your children before, during and after divorce, including creating age appropriate parenting plans, you can contact me on +44 (0)7850 85 60 66 or email me soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine.

 

 

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can I get full custody

Children and Divorce – What You Need to Know about Sole Residency (Full Custody)

Published on
Haroop Ahluwalia
Divorce Solicitor
Cordell & Cordell

Making child arrangements can be an extremely difficult issue to tackle when two people are experiencing the ordeal of a separation or divorce.

But when it comes to filing for sole residency, do you know the absolute essentials to help make this critical decision?

We have compiled the essential need-to-knows to assist parents going through a divorce in making that all-important decision about sole residency.

Residency: The Legal Landscape

When it comes to arrangements about children, the preference of both the parents and the courts is often to agree on joint legal residency. However, if an agreement cannot be made amicably between parents, the court may be involved, which will lead to a decision being made on the parents’ behalf.

Child Arrangements

If parents are unable to agree on where the child/children will live and when they’ll spend time with each parent, the next step will be to go through the courts.

A family mediator can also be instrumental in helping a decision and agreement to be made.

What is Sole Residency?

If you consider filing for sole residency, it is crucial to know the different types and what is involved.

Types of Sole Residency

There are two types of sole residency:

  • Sole legal residency –This involves one parent holding complete decision-making authority for the child.
  • Sole physical residency – This involves the child living with one parent, with the other parent receiving visitation rights.

Court Orders

Filing for sole residency will involve filling out the relevant court order.

The type of court order parents will need depends on the exact details of what they have been unable to agree on, and numerous court orders can be applied for at once.

The types of court orders concerning residency arrangements were previously known as ‘residence orders’ and ‘contact orders.’

These have since been replaced by a ‘child arrangements order,’ which decides the following:

  • Where your child will live
  • When your child will spend time with each parent
  • When and what other types of contact will take place, such as phone calls

If parents already have an existing residence or contact order in place, there is no requirement to reapply with a new child arrangements order.

Applying for a Court Order

There are a number of steps to take to apply for a court order:

  • Fill in a C100 court form. Within this form there must be evidence that you have attended a meeting about mediation first. This is exempt in certain circumstances, such as in domestic abuse cases.
  • Send the form to the nearest court dealing with child cases, together with the fee of £215.
  • If you are on a low income or receive benefits, you may be eligible to receive financial help with the fees.

The Court’s Decision

Once your child arrangements order has been received by the court, a directions hearing will be arranged by the court for both parents to attend.

A family court adviser from the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) is likely to be present at the hearing.

If an agreement cannot be made during the first court hearing, this will lead to the judge or magistrate setting a timetable outlining what will happen next.

It is important to remember that the court will make the child’s welfare its absolute first priority, and this will be the deciding factor in determining who will receive sole residency of your child/children.

About Haroop

Haroop Ahluwalia is a London divorce solicitor at Cordell & Cordell.

He has significant experience in both property and family law. The opportunity to work closely with clients, guide them through each step of the divorce process and help level the playing field in the UK divorce courts is why he chose to practise family law exclusively.

 

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Christmas parenting plans

Children of Divorce – Getting your Christmas Parenting Plans at the Ready

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For children of divorce, spending Christmas with parents in conflict is like you winning an all-paid-for holiday to an amazing destination to stay in one of the most fabulous 5 star hotels…that is under going extensive renovations.

Everything is great about the whole idea, except that you will certainly not find peace and tranquility and that defeats the whole purpose.

Forget about lying by the pool for hours on end, with your cocktails, books and magazines; it’s shut.

There will be early morning drilling sounds, trucks all over the place and limited use of the great facilities that the place usually has to offer.  Before you know it, you want to spend the rest of your holiday, outside the hotel, only returning to go to bed.

That’s what it’s like for children whose parents are going through an acrimonious divorce and/or separation during this time of year.

They will get the most fabulous presents that you can afford but their joy, excitement and delight will be short lived and blanketed in worry, uncertainty and uneasiness.  And if they are anything like some clients I have worked with, some gifts will act as reminders of the very difficult Christmases they lived through in their childhood for years to come.

If this is your first Christmas as divorcing or separating parents, there’s one thing your children could greatly do with and benefit from.

Peace.

And this you can gift them by:

  • letting them be. Let them wake up and sleep through these holidays stress free.  Yes, it’s not easy for you as the divorcing or separating parents to do, but it’s not impossible either. You can do it for them, if you really want to. Allow them to enjoy their holidays without conflict, anxieties and worries.
  • creating a good structured plan that you can share with them so that they know where they will be, with whom and for how long. One father in mediation recently agreed for his ex-wife to have the children from 23th – 27th December.  He explained his decision by saying that it really didn’t matter which day you spend Christmas with your children; all they need is to be with you at some point and on that day, at that time, you can celebrate Christmas, as you choose and wish, in peace.  They don’t care if you do it on 25th or on 30th. He’s absolutely correct.  They don’t care.
  • sticking to the plan and should you need to change the plans for good, legitimate and genuine reasons, not just because you’re angry and riddled with vengeful thoughts and emotions, then tell them in advance and acknowledge any feelings of disappointment they may have or show. Be the adult in the room that they need you to be. Because after all, they only have you two as parents.  Which one of you will ensure that their holidays go as smoothly as possible?

Clients I have worked with, have often asked me what my co-parenting plan over the Christmas period looks like.

We chose to make it really simple for the children and ourselves. We alternate every year from 23rd to the new year.  This means that each year either one of us has the children for a good block of time which allows us to travel abroad if we choose to.

During the time that they are away, the children get to speak with the “absent” parent almost everyday, over Skype, phone, whatsapp or Facetime.  We share stories of what we have done and our plans for the next few days.

This means that our children know exactly what they are doing, with whom, where and for how long. This structure has remained in place since my eldest daughter was 6 and she is now 25.  It just works.

Of course it’s not easy for the parent without the children.

You will miss them but all you have to do is plan out your time.  If you feel that you will be lonely, sad and upset without them. Then you will really need to deal with that without sharing it with the children.  They don’t need to be worrying about you.  Let them be. You do you.

If you’re stuck with how to manage these holidays for you and your little ones, then do contact me and let’s take it from there.  It really needn’t be hell.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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cohabitation agreement for unmarried partners
/

Why have a Cohabitation Agreement for Unmarried Partners – Property Issues

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The Divorce Magazine - TDMThe Divorce Magazine spoke with Paul Sandford, the Principal Director of Albert Square Mediation about unmarried couples, separation and property issues.

A cohabitation agreement for unmarried partners is something that couples choosing to live together really need.

People often say that a prenup or a cohabitation agreement is quite “unromantic”.  But as someone ones said, “there is nothing as romantic as a prenup or a cohabitation agreement.  It shows that you care enough about that person to make sure that if anything happens to either of you, including a divorce of separation, that your spouse is taken care off or that your choice to go separate ways is much made that much easier.”

A cohabitation agreement really does signify a commitment.

What provision is there for the unmarried spouse whose partner falls terribly ill and loses all capacity for the rest of his life. What does his unmarried spouse do if his relatives come knocking on the door?

So what does Paul suggest unmarried couples do when they chose to purchase a property together?

When the unmarried couple sign the necessary documents and handover the money on completion, they should sign a deed of trust that says something along the lines of, “this house, is bought by (insert names) and we have a 50/50 interest in it”, for instance.

It should also, for the benefits of the lawyers listening to the interview, specify, tenants in common or joint tenants and if possible specify what circumstances would trigger the employment of the “clause” or deed of trust.

What would happen if, one partner is deceased, and there are children? You cannot cover every eventuality, it’s true, but it still remains vital to have such a clause, for lack of a better word.

It’s a bit like making a will! It really doesn’t have to be a big deal.

It can be incredibly simple.

It is legally binding? Yes it is, it’s effectively a deed of trust and you can change it if need be.

You can reach Paul at http://www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk/

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money divorce

MONEY, DIVORCE AND REALITY

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Nigel C Winter Partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler Solicitors
Nigel C Winter
Partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler Solicitors

In the third and final article in the series, rb’s Family team consider the cost of divorce and critically how to avoid that expense.  You can find article one and article two here

Every divorce lawyer knows that ultimately every client of theirs has it within their power to dramatically limit the financial impact and cost of a divorce. If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of going through a divorce – here’s how to do it.

Quite simply, don’t fall foul of the understandable temptation to be less than candid about what you are worth. The lawyers will get to the bottom of it and they will charge for the pleasure of doing so.

In the ‘real world’, beyond TV Court room dramas, the question in dispute is not always about how the assets should be split. It is frequently about what constitutes those assets.

For the vast majority of people, they can forget arguments about who made the greater contribution to the marriage or having inherited wealth. The Court will expect it all to ‘go in the pot’.

In the vast majority of cases, if both parties fully and frankly disclose their respective finances the costs of their divorces would plummet.

How so?

Whilst the Judge has a great deal of discretion, the reality is that there is a ‘starting point of a yardstick of equality’ in most divorce cases. The Courts will only depart from that said ‘yardstick’ if there is good reason to do so i.e. there are children preventing one party from working full-time.

You do not pay a lawyer by the hour simply to tell you that “it will  be 50/50”. It is ensuring that there has been full and frank disclosure that costs. Only the parties can avoid that cost by being honest at the outset. It is simply a question of whether you want to get to where you need to be for say £1,000.00 or for £10,000.00 and possibly more. Only the parties to divorce themselves can decide.

What to do?

The Courts have devised a very searching document that deals with disclosure known as ‘Form E’.

money divorce form eHowever as both parties can fill this out themselves (albeit with the help of their lawyers) they are presented with the prospect of completing this process for minimal cost. This then has to be compiled along with documentation in support which is at the respective client’s disposal and not their lawyers.

If the above is not searching enough, then each party to a divorce has the right to raise questionnaires in respect of the Form E and the disclosed documentation.

Typically either party can be compelled to explain every single transfer in their bank accounts of £500.00 or more. They are then required to confirm what this expenditure went towards and to provide documentary evidence in support.

The same applies for assets that have been disposed of and the valuation of homes, investments, cars and personal possessions etc. By the time this process is concluded, the Courts will be able to work out to the nearest £5.00 what the parties are worth.

How important is this rule about full and frank disclosure?

Frankly – vital.

Before any settlement is reached, you sign to state that you have filled out your Form E and the contents are true and wholly accurate. To knowingly make a false statement is a contempt of Court which ultimately carries the sanction of imprisonment.

Some people are prepared to run such a risk – but your lawyer would advise against it. Less dramatically, people who discovered that their former spouse has lied about their wealth will be able to re-open those settlements at any point in the future.

Thus, if you are ‘full and frank’ in your disclosure at the outset you could save yourself a considerable amount of legal cost.

If it is as simple as that why don’t more people do it?

Good question.

Perhaps they don’t read articles like this? Or because the reality is that divorce itself is an inherently sensitive and unpleasant process.

Human emotion is not meant to be rational and where a formerly loving relationship goes from being influenced by the tide of emotion to being dictated by ‘black letter law’ (literally Acts of Parliament), it may be unrealistic for people to suddenly be so regimented in their approach.

Furthermore the old-fashioned approach to divorce was framed in the language of antagonism.

Remember the Dustin Hoffman movie Kramer –v- Kramer (probably not – it was 1979), but right at the outset it was him –v- her. Or was it her –v- him? It doesn’t matter, it was the language of conflict.

Happily since then, if the Kramers were going through a divorce today they might choose Mediation or Collaborative Law and ‘work together’.

Is it really possible to ‘work together’ when you are in reality ‘against each other’? Yes – if you adopt the right process. Just remove all the language of conflict and bear in mind that in many cases it is possible to emerge as friends.

It is also vitally important where there are children and you will always be the parents of those children. Mediation and Collaborative Law are increasingly replacing the Court based process that Meryl Streep dragged Dustin Hoffmann through, in the iconic movie. It simply doesn’t have to be like that anymore.

ABOUT NIGEL

Nigel C Winter is a partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler Solicitors, based in the South East of England. He has been practicing family law for over two decades, is a collaborative lawyer and a regular contributor to a wide variety of publications on Divorce and Family Law.

He has been practicing family law for over 2 decades, is a Collaborative lawyer and a regular contributor to a wide variety of publications on divorce and family law.

 

Did you know? There are online advice videos at: – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKsjD1sqe-U

 

 

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Helping your Child Deal with Divorce

Helping your Child Deal with Divorce

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Nigel C Winter Partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler Solicitors
Nigel C Winter
Partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler Solicitors

In the second of the series RB’s Family Department’ Nigel Winter looks at the effects of divorce/separation upon children.  You can find the first part here.

There are many terrible dilemmas that face anyone contemplating divorce or separation.

One of the most significant is the impact upon children.

One would simply not be human if you fail to consider their wishes and what was in your children’s’ best interests.

Furthermore the impact of divorce according to “research” (whether you accept it or not) is cause for concern. The incidences of failed relationships, under achievement etc. are startling.

Notwithstanding all of the above some 82% of children and adolescents polled in a recent survey have stated that they would prefer their parents to divorce rather than stay in a marriage that was unhappy.

Although parents understandably stay together “for the sake of the children” those said “children” can be alarmingly wise and they will realise sooner or later that their parents’ relationship is on poor terms.

This article is not therefore about advising people what they should do. It is simply about giving them some of the surprising facts about how our children feel and then leaving parents to go away and reflect on this.

However it appears that the case of staying together “for the children”, whilst founded on the best of intentions doesn’t necessarily serve the children’s’ interest.

Therefore, if a couple are to divorce there may be some “golden rules” in conducting that divorce with your children in mind.

It is also clear that when divorce is carried out properly children can manage very well. However there are a number of “pitfalls” that are to be avoided. Some of these take a great deal of patience but are very much in the children’s’ interest.

Step 1            –             Be respectful to the other parent.

It is a fact that children love both their parents but can’t understand why they don’t necessarily love each other anymore.

Thus, if you bring your ex’s faults to their attention, however careful the language you use, this will be unpleasant for them. Children often feel the need to defend the parent being berated and therefore feel uncomfortable “taking sides”.

Difficult as it may be, put yourself in your children’s’ position and recall how in your childhood you loved both your parents.

Step 2            –            Avoid misplaced resentment.

Research has shown that in particularly nasty divorces a resentment that their parties have towards their ex can be transferred to their children.

This is particularly so where the children have a similar personality trait to the ex i.e. one party is punctual or particularly tidy, the other less so. This is not your ex you see manifested in your child but your child: it’s part of their makeup.

Step 3            –            Avoid using children as a “pawn”.

The instinct to “wreak havoc” once a relationship is over may be understandable.  Children present every opportunity to be a vehicle for doing so.

Disagreements over contact, joint holidays, Helping your Child Deal with Divorcemeeting the new partner, and even maintenance can all be conveyed through a child.

They should not be! These are matters that should be communicated directly or through lawyers.

Furthermore ’children being children’, they can in some circumstances know how to “play one off against the other”. Some children going through divorce get two birthday parties which both parents trying to over-impress with more expensive presents etc.

At a very early age the children will move from exploiting the situation to realising how harmful it is. Parents should resort to a parenting plan and mediation over these issues.

Step 4            –            Treat special events with the respect they deserve.

Children are often desperate for their parents to see them at the school sports day, performing at plays etc. They will often want both parents to attend for these milestones.

If you still feel “raw” about a separation, remember that a child may recall that day for the rest of their lives and long after you have moved on. You may have to “fake it” but in the fullness of time they will be grateful to you for that.

Step 5                        Work together and be seen to work together.

You will always be the parents of your children. Big decisions like education and medical treatment will have to be taken together.

Furthermore, in an all too brief period of time there will be graduations, wedding ceremonies and ultimately christenings. If you and your ex can get together for these events without your children being ‘on edge’ then you will have served their best interests.

Remember you are still a family – you just happen to be one in which the parents are no longer together.

You will have to function as a family on that basis and this can be very rewarding for all concerned. Indeed Relate even assist families on the post- divorce situation. In doing so they listen to the parents and also to the children.   This will help everyone “move on” without doing so through a Court of law!

It is unlikely that a family going through divorce are where they want to be. However you can either make the best of the situation or the worse.

ABOUT NIGEL

Nigel C Winter is a partner in the Family Department of Rawlison Butler Solicitors, based in the South East of England. He has been practicing family law for over two decades, is a collaborative lawyer and a regular contributor to a wide variety of publications on Divorce and Family Law.

He has been practicing family law for over 2 decades, is a Collaborative lawyer and a regular contributor to a wide variety of publications on divorce and family law.

Did you know? There are on-line advice videos at:-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKsjD1sqe-U

 

 

 

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How to get full custody of child

Children and Divorce – Is it Possible to get Full Custody of Child?

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Vanessa Fox Partner and Head of Family Law hlw Keeble Hawson
Vanessa Fox
Partner and Head of
Family Law
hlw Keeble Hawson

Family lawyers in England and Wales don’t like the word ‘custody’, which became obsolete in 1990 with the Children Act.

Before 1990, the key terms used were ‘custody’ (who has the main rights and duties for the child?), ‘care’ and ‘control’ (where does the child live?) and ‘access’ (when should the other parent see the child?).

Despite the continuing influence of high profile US cases, such as the Brangelina split, where the partners wrangle over full custody, from 1990 onwards in England and Wales family lawyers had to re-educate our clients to say residence order and contact order.

In the last couple of years, we have had to re-educate them again, to say ‘Child Arrangement Order’, when providing Live With and Spend Time With orders.

In fact, most people still, 26 years later, talk about custody and access, and also use the term ‘main carer’, which I personally think is divisive and unhelpful.

For lawyers, the nearest to ‘full custody’ is a Live With order – that is an order where the child lives full time with that parent or person (as it is not always a parent who cares for a child).

However, courts are unwilling in the modern age to divide children’s time up in the old way of custody and access.

The court primarily wants parents to sort the issue of where the children live between them without any court orders. Thus, court orders are only made in difficult cases where the parents cannot agree about where the child should live and with whom and when the child should see the other parent.

In most of the cases I see, parents are able to resolve this issue by agreement – either directly, through lawyers, in mediation or at the beginning of a court process.

One size definitely does not fit all and parents have all sorts of different arrangements, from one week on to one week off to every other weekend, one night per week, or less. These schedules depend entirely on the ability of the parents to negotiate with each other and the free time from work that each of them has.

In some instances, often referred to as implacable hostility cases, the parents’ relationship is so poor that there is often no contact between the absent parent and the children at all. In those cases, the parent with care (usually the mother) will often end up by default with ‘full custody’.

Custody also used to mean parental responsibility.

This is nearly always shared between the parents and covers rights to information about education, health, where the child lives in the UK or the world.

It doesn’t confer a right to ‘call the shots’ day-to-day. Fathers of children in unmarried families have parental responsibility where they are named on the birth certificate after a certain date.

About Vanessa Fox

hlw Keeble Hawson partner, Vanessa Fox, marks 25 years as head of the firm’s family law department in 2016.

Collaboratively trained and a qualified mediator, she has modernised South Yorkshire Resolution since becoming chair in 2013 and is also a member of the Law Society’s Family Law Panel and the Children Panel.

She can be contacted at on 0114 290 6232 or on vanessafox@hlwkeeblehawson.co.uk.

 

 

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‘Brangelina’ Split and How to Guarantee Privacy During your Divorce Process

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Peter Jones Founder Jones Myers
Peter Jones
Founder
Jones Myers

The media frenzy continues a week after Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt with every aspect of their lives – and the lives of their children – continuing to be played out in front of millions of people worldwide.

However, irrespective of whether you are Hollywood’s most “golden” couple, divorcing through the courts comes with no guarantee of privacy – as some of the hearings are open to the public and journalists can attend and report details of the proceedings.

They may do so if there is a salacious element, perceived wealth, or accusations of attempts to hide assets – which can be embarrassing and distressing for the couple, as well as their children, parents or business partners.

Our specialist family lawyers advise of three less public routes, outlined below, to take when marriages break down.

Arbitration is a quicker, less emotionally and financially draining alternative to court battles. The press is barred from hearings, which are arranged at clients’ convenience, at comfortable venues, where a family arbitrator rules on who should have what.

Just like a judge, the arbitrator bases his or her decision on relevant facts and evidence – taking into account the views of both parties. The award is final and binding on both parties. Arbitrators are not only qualified in their field – they are also experienced family lawyers who are either former judges or family law barristers or solicitors.

Mediation is also an effective and private way of resolving disputes without the need to go to court. It involves an independent third party – a mediator – who helps both sides come to an agreement.

It is a highly effective method which can result in a swift resolution and save on legal expenses.

Couples often use mediation as a way to explore and discuss issues between them, with the assistance and guidance of an impartial mediator. Because many issues are resolved during mediation, they often find that they save a great deal in legal costs by opting for mediation first.

Collaboration sees couples each appoint their own collaboratively trained lawyer. They meet to work things out and are backed up by support and legal advice. All sign a contract committing them to trying to resolve matters by agreement, without going to court.

The lawyers will agree only to represent the parties within the collaborative process and not in court. This ensures that everyone at the table, not just the divorcing spouses but also their legal representatives are committed to finding an out-of-court solution.

Collaboration places an emphasis on a respectful and dignified resolution, putting any children at the heart of the process, and keeping the details private and confidential.

Divorcing couples who value their privacy are advised to consider these options which are also more cost effective, less traumatic and less prolonged than litigating.

About Peter Jones 

Peter Jones is one of the country’s leading divorce and family lawyers.

A qualified arbitrator and mediator, Peter set up Jones Myers as the first niche family law firm in the north of England in 1992 and has acted for a string of high-profile clients.

Renowned for his sympathetic approach, he is a former national chairman of Resolution, a former Deputy District Judge – and instigated the D5 Group of law firms that promotes excellence in family law.

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