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Should you divorce now or wait until after Christmas

Should you divorce now or wait until after Christmas?

Published on
Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith

Amongst family lawyers, January is commonly known as “divorce month”.

Having kept it together over Christmas, people decide to make a fresh start in the new year. Some people, however, decide that they can’t wait and ask for a divorce over the holidays. If you’re thinking of being one of them, here are some points to consider.

Can you keep it civil?

If you’re not safe, then you need to end the relationship and get yourself to a safe place as quickly as possible. If, however, you are safe, the next question is whether you and your partner can keep it civil over the holidays.

If you can, then you might be better waiting until the “January rush” has passed. This can make it much easier to get hold of the necessary professionals e.g. lawyers. You could still use this time productively. For example, you could get relationship counselling and/or mediation.

If you can’t, then you need to think about whether or not telling your partner you want a divorce will improve the situation. Depending on your relationship, it may clear the air and allow you both to agree on a path forward. On the other hand, it may turn the situation from bad to worse.

Have you explored all other options?

You may want to look at counselling, both individually and as a couple, before you take any final decisions. Individual counselling can help you to clarify if the state of your marriage is actually the cause of your issues or a symptom of them.

Relationship counselling looks at the dynamics between you and your partner. Regardless of whether or not it saves your marriage, it can put you on a stronger footing to deal with each other respectfully going forward. This is vital if you have children and useful if you don’t.

You might also want to look at options such as an informal trial separation and/or legal separation. These can be used instead of or as a precursor to a formal divorce. Legal separations can be complex and are best discussed with legal advice. They can, however, be very useful as a way to ease a long marriage to a gentle end.

Have you already taken care of the practicalities?

So-called “quickie” divorces are only really an option for short marriages, with minimal assets and no children when both parties are in total agreement about what they want. They do certainly happen but they’re the minority of divorce cases.

Most divorces involve at least some legal and financial administration. If the marriage has been long and/or there are significant assets involved, then this can be a very complex process. This is before you get to any child-custody and child-support arrangements.

If you’ve already looked into these, then it may be reasonable to confirm to your partner that you’ve decided you definitely want a divorce. If you haven’t, then there may be very little point in mentioning it over the holidays. It will sour the atmosphere without taking you any closer to your goal.

About Kerry

Kerry Smith is the head of Family Law at K J Smith Solicitors and are experienced in all matters relating to divorce, civil partnerships, cohabitation disputes and collaborative law.

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I’m seeking a ‘good’ divorce - is this realistic

I’m seeking a ‘good’ divorce – is this realistic?   

Published on
Family Lawyer
Peter Jones
Founder of
Jones Myers
Family Solicitors

Good Divorce Week spans November 30 – December 4 and champions reducing conflict in relationship breakdowns and the damage – sometimes long lasting – it can cause to children.

As a niche family law firm we promote alternative ways to achieve a ‘good’ divorce which is in the best interests of children, their parents and their wider families.

The following formula promotes a spirit of mutual cooperation and fairness:

Always put your children first

The current unprecedented pandemic has further exacerbated the challenges facing estranged couples and parents beset with fears of job losses, concerns over co-parenting and child arrangements, maintenance and financial issues.

We encourage parents to keep communication channels open and to devise a parenting plan which boosts trust. Avoid arguing or criticising each other in front of your children and reassure them that your separation is not their fault.

Undergo Mediation

This spirit of cooperation extends to undergoing Mediation which can help couples resolve their differences and find solutions to move forward positively.

An impartial third party ‘the mediator’ helps them discuss issues confidentially and find workable agreements. With mediation agreements can be reached a great deal more quickly and cost effectively than by using the court process or in solicitors’ correspondence.

Ongoing communication also limits the emotional damage which follows in the wake of an acrimonious battle. Our specialist lawyers are experienced mediators and can offer online mediation.

Discuss future financial arrangements

The starting point for divorce is sorting out finances and disclosing assets such as your home, pensions, savings and trusts. Making decisions in the midst of life changing events isn’t easy – especially with the upheaval caused by the current pandemic. Our experts will advise and guide you through the process.

Appoint a lawyer who is a Resolution member

Good Divorce Week is organised by Resolution – an organisation of family lawyers and fellow professionals.

Jones Myers – a long standing member of Resolution (I am also a former national chair) – follows Resolution’s code of practice and is committed to dealing with relationship breakdown issues in a constructive and non-confrontational manner.

Enlist emotional support

Managing the emotional fall out of divorce is crucial. Our holistic approach and long-standing partnerships with wide ranging professionals ensure our clients regionally, nationally and internationally have access to counsellors and therapists. We can also assist with access to information on issues such as tax advice.

Reducing trauma, conflict and emotional conflict in the early stages of divorce and separation can pave the way for a more healthy and positive future that will help ensure children’s well being and happiness in the months, years and decades ahead.  

During Good Divorce Week Jones Myers is offering 30 minutes of free legal or professional advice to those who need it.

Click here for more articles by Peter Jones

ABOUT PETER JONES

Peter Jones is one of the country’s leading divorce and family lawyers. A qualified arbitrator and mediator, Peter set up Jones Myers as the first niche family law firm in the north of England in 1992 and has acted for a string of high-profile clients.

Renowned for his sympathetic approach, Peter is the current chair of Resolution’s Accreditation Committee, a former national chairman of Resolution and a former Deputy District Judge. www.jonesmyers.co.uk

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Going Through A Divorce During Lockdown
Photo by Matt Seymour on Unsplash
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5 Things You Need To Know About Going Through A Divorce During Lockdown

Published on
Stacey St Clair
Associate Solicitor
Hawkins Family Law

Can I apply for a divorce whilst we are in lockdown?

The simple answer is yes you can.

Whether you have made the recent decision to divorce, or if you now have the time to do so, the Courts are still open and processing divorce petitions.

As long as you can demonstrate that your marriage has irretrievably broken down you are free to start the process.

You will need to consider the grounds for divorce which are separation of 5 years, separation of 2 years and you both consent to the divorce, the other party’s adultery or behaviour or desertion.

You will also need either your original marriage certificate or a certified copy and then you can action your divorce – or we can on your behalf.  As the Courts have moved to an online system recently for divorce, the time frame is considerably shorter than it was.

Can I still make a financial application to the Court during lockdown?

As mentioned above, the courts are still open and are conducting hearings remotely, so yes, you can make an application and it will be considered either by the Court or alternatively you may be attracted to alternative dispute resolution – in other words, mediation, collaborative law, private hearings or arbitration.

If you issue within the Court arena then the timetable will be set as has always been the case.

There are changes inevitably with the pandemic, for example the First Appointments are generally dealt with on paper rather than by a hearing.

The other hearings: the financial dispute resolution hearing and final hearings though are being dealt with by the Courts wherever possible, either on the telephone or via video link.

Inevitably this can cause some problems if people do not have the technology – although most people have a telephone.

The key is to consider which approach would work best for you – sometimes having the Court process in the background whilst exploring say a private FDR can be hugely helpful and speed the process up as well.

Can I obtain a new house valuation for my financial case?

As we all know things are different at the moment. The property market has been paused for some time, although things are slowly starting to move with estate agents reopening and socially distanced viewings taking place.

You will need to be guided by professionals in terms of the actual impact on the value of the house, – some people are finding that their house value has fallen – sometimes by as much as 10% or even more, whilst others are being told that their property is in a bubble and may in fact attract a premium.

We would advise everyone to consider carefully the value of their property and speak to their valuer – our advice would be to get an updated valuation.

The relevance of a new valuation will depend upon the stage of the proceedings you have reached.  If you have already finalised your case pre covid then you should seek specialist advice as to whether there is any possibility of you revisiting that order.

This is a complex area of law and each case will be judged on its own merits so please act quickly if you find yourself in this situation. If you have not yet reached an agreement or had a final order then we would advise you get a new valuation.

Can I still co-parent during lockdown?

It should be straightforward to make arrangements and co-parent during lockdown, as the Government confirmed that children are permitted to move between the households of separated families.

What you should do as parents is make a sensible assessment of the circumstances and consider the health & wellbeing of everyone in each household before deciding what the arrangements should be.

If you have any serious concerns about the child arrangements or your child is not returned after spending time with the other parent, an urgent application can be made to the Family Court to determine this short-term issue.

A Judge will scrutinise the actions of both parents and determine what is a reasonable and safe arrangement. If you find yourself in this situation, you should seek specialist advice from a family lawyer as the Court hearing itself would be held remotely via telephone or video.

During lockdown some separated families are finding it difficult to co-parent and decide whose responsibility it is to home school the children.

Where possible, virtual online and home-schooling materials should be shared between both parents. It is important that both parents play an active role, even if this is done virtually with the absent parent supporting the child with homework.

STAY POSITIVE!

We know it’s tough but try not to feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts and feelings of helplessness.

While the situation is undeniably difficult, this won’t be our reality forever and it’s important to look after yourself during this pandemic. We all need hope so try and remain positive during this difficult time.

If you do require advice and assistance with your divorce, then it is important to seek specialist advice from a team of professionals. If you are struggling emotionally with being in lockdown with someone who you have separated from, there are other support networks that can assist.

About Stacey St. Clair

After completing my law degree at the University of Brunel, I undertook my LPC at The College of Law in London. I completed my training at a reputable firm in Beaconsfield and qualified in 2011.

Since qualifying, I have specialised in family law and before joining Hawkins Family Law, worked at a large family law practice based in London. I joined Hawkins Family Law in 2016 and have extensive experience in all areas of family law, dealing with complex financial disputes and sensitive cases involving children.

My experience includes cases involving substantial income and capital, both in this country and abroad, as well as a variety of financial, business disputes and substantial pensions. I advise on Pre and Post Nupital agreements.

I am able to negotiate and advise on arrangements for children, including specific issues about schooling and relocation out of the jurisdiction. I am Resolution accredited and committed to assisting client to reach a solution without unnecessary conflict.

I often represent clients in Court, undertaking my own advocacy for disputes relating to injunctions, occupation of the family home and urgent welfare issues regarding children. My clients feel supported throughout the process and my aim is to give clear constructive advice.

My priority is listening to my clients’ needs and objectives and then adopting a holistic approach, with compassion and empathy. Where possible, I always seek an out of Court settlement to help alleviate the stress of a family breakdown.

I am an experienced collaborative lawyer, and I will always prioritise my clients’ interests and objectives first and take a practical, no nonsense approach to cases. I combine knowledge and experience with empathy to ensure my clients know they are in safe hands and fully supported.

My experience in advising on complex financial remedies, private children law and co-habitation is recognised by Resolution’s specialist accreditation scheme.

Links

Website – https://hawkinsfamilylaw.co.uk/

Twitter – https://twitter.com/hawkinsfamilyl1

Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/hawkinsfamilylaw

Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/hawkinsfamilylaw/

 

 

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Main Photo by CDC on Unsplash

Your Questions Answered on Child Maintenance Payments and Finances in Coronavirus Crisis

Published on
Norman Taylor
Collaborative Family Law Expert
Jones Myers

The coronavirus pandemic looks set to have a major impact on family finances in the long and short term with predictions that up to one million people could lose their jobs.

Mounting concerns of divorced and estranged parents include sustaining child maintenance payments if their income ceases along with making decisions over court proceedings.

Here are responses to some key questions.

How do I continue making maintenance payments during the crisis if my income dries up?

  • Communicate with your ex-partner – try to provide them with as much verified information explaining why the payments can no longer be met with the aim of reaching an agreement
  • Any such agreement should be confirmed in writing and ideally would be entered into with each party having taken legal advice
  • It may be that a lower figure can be agreed in the short term on the basis that any “arrears” are paid later – but it will very much depend upon the facts of each individual case
  • If the above fails and maintenance is being paid under a court order and you cannot continue to pay, you may have to make an application to the court to vary or suspend the order
  • This is not a simple process but failure to do so might result in arrears building up that could be enforced at some future date
  • We strongly advise against ignoring the situation. Gather your information, communicate and take legal advice

I am in court proceedings relating to financial matters. Should I consider adjourning and/or turning to other out of court processes? 

  • It’s important to remember that the courts are already under great pressure which has been exacerbated by the ongoing situation
  • This could be an appropriate time to arrange a process that brings your ex and both your lawyers round the “virtual” table to start a dialogue and mediation
  • Courts are very supportive of parties who wish to use non-court methods to resolve issues – your family lawyer will be able to advise on the various options and their pros and cons. They include Arbitration which will enable easier access to a “private Judge” to assist on any disagreement. In addition, when normality returns there will be a considerable backlog for the courts to resolve and access to arbitration will enable a resolution to be reached much quicker.

 Should court cases be adjourned until the crisis is over? 

  • If it is clear that the financial information that everyone has worked on will become – or already has become – obsolete. Consider adjourning any hearing until the position is clear. There is no point reaching agreement, or having a determination by a Judge, based upon inaccurate information. In Arbitration the private judge can adjourn the determination for a limited time to enable the situation to be reviewed.

What is the impact of the pandemic on all the financial information gathered to date such as business valuations, investments, incomes etc?

  • This will be different in every case. However, it is likely that any previous business valuation will now be potentially unreliable as the company may have been detrimentally affected by the economic fallout
  • As above, it is dangerous for decisions to be made based upon inaccurate information

The importance of parties remaining calm and sensible – and setting their differences aside to work together though this unprecedented period – cannot be understated.

Click here for more articles by Jones Myers Solicitors

About Norman Taylor

With four decades of experience relating to financial issues arising from family and relationship breakdown, Norman has extensive experience in medium to high value cases.

Norman is respected nationally and locally as an enthusiastic advocate of non-confrontational, solution-based resolution of family issues.

He has been recognised for his work in promoting, developing and championing collaborative law in Yorkshire.

www.jonesmyers.co.uk

 

Featured Main Photo by CDC on Unsplash

 

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how grandparents can avoid being marginalised in 2020

How Grandparents can Avoid Being Marginalised in 2020  

Published on
Family Lawyer
Peter Jones
Founder of
Jones Myers
Family Solicitors

New Year can be an emotional rollercoaster for parents who have undergone divorce or separation.

It can also be a time of immense sorrow and anguish for grandparents who are being prevented from seeing their beloved grandchildren.

Grandparents can be instrumental in sustaining their grandchildren’s critical routines both during and after divorce – as well as supporting their son or daughter practically and emotionally.

Unfortunately, reasons including fractious and difficult relationships between their children and in laws/former partners can result in grandparents and other relatives being marginalised.

If you are in this position, here are some steps to consider. We strongly advise only using the court route as a last resort.

  • Negotiate some quality time with your grandchildren. You can for example, offer to mind them at specific times – giving separated parents, who can be particularly stretched, some down time. This negotiation approach can be conducted via a phone call, email, letter or, if communication is difficult, through a solicitor.
  • Mediation – a way of resolving disputes constructively, wherever possible, and avoiding costly, public and stressful court litigation. This private and confidential process involves an independent third party, a mediator, who helps you and the parties involved to reach an agreement over time spent with your grandchildren which is formalised into a binding court order without you having to go to court.
  • Apply for “leave” or permission from the Family Court to see your grandchildren. Once permission has been secured and your application submitted, the court considers wide-ranging factors such as existing relationships with the children, any risks of disruption or harm to them and the wishes – and the feelings of the child’s parents. It also takes into account if the child is being looked after by a local authority and the authority’s plans for their future.

In our experience, it can be difficult for grandparents to obtain leave unless the child or children involved had lived with their grandparents who were their primary carers.

While the number of successful leave applications is increasing, parents often reject or challenge applications made by grandparents. They claim the litigation would cause them stress, or that the grandparents applying do not have a relationship over and above the “normal” grandparents’ role, and therefore can successfully resist being considered under the current law.

Click here for more articles by Peter Jones

About Peter Jones

Peter Jones is one of the country’s leading divorce and family lawyers. A qualified arbitrator and mediator, Peter set up Jones Myers as the first niche family law firm in the north of England in 1992 and has acted for a string of high-profile clients.

Renowned for his sympathetic approach, he is a former national chairman of Resolution, a former Deputy District Judge – and instigated the D5 Group of law firms that promotes excellence in family law. www.jonesmyers.co.uk

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Separating Couple Get Legal Advice
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Can a Separating Couple Get Legal Advice Together?

Published on
Samantha Woodham and Harry Gates
Family Law Barristers
4 Paper Buildings

Could a single legal adviser be the pathway to a quicker, cheaper and less traumatic divorce?

We all know someone who has been through a toxic divorce, battling over children and finances in a legal system that seems designed to ratchet up confrontation and cost.

In my day to day practice, I rarely see divorcing couples walk away having spent less than six figures in costs.  The process is terribly slow and adversarial and the emotional cost is enormous.

Ours is the UK’s first service to offer impartial legal advice to both parties at the same time in a bid to reduce conflict and take pressure off the overwhelmed family court system.

What happens at present is that if you are thinking of getting divorced, both partners within a couple appoint their own solicitors from day one. The two parties often give very different ‘takes’ on the facts to their respective solicitors and it can take several months for all that information to be exchanged and for everyone to see the true picture.

We are turning the current model on its head. If we know what’s really happening and what the financial picture is on day one, we can tell you how the court will view it and get the couple talking before they become entrenched in battle or develop unrealistic expectations.

For a fixed fee (in the region of £4,750 plus VAT) each couple has two meetings at the Temple chambers with a family law barrister; a brief introductory session held separately and then a joint advice session together to outline a realistic outcome, which is followed up with a detailed written advice. Typically, the process takes 6-8 weeks.

In fact it’s not new – single source legal advice is the norm in much of Europe, but in the UK solicitors are subject to conflict rules which bar them from advising both parties.  Not so for barristers.

Evidently, it’s not for everyone. Couples need to be in agreement about their asset pool – the onus is on them to prepare their own financial disclosure after the first meeting. Any allegations of non-disclosure – or child safeguarding or abuse issues – and they are advised to instruct separate solicitors. Some 20 per cent fall away in the first (free) screening.

For the vast majority of clients, finances are the key concern, but child arrangements and parenting plans can also be considered at a separate session.  Most important is that it’s not exacerbating conflict.  The aim is to avoid going to court which is so difficult for families – couples fall out over money and they end up in a nuclear winter where every interaction from then onwards is subject to conflict.

So far, the meetings have proved surprisingly calm: The individual sessions are where people can vent if they need to. The joint sessions are quite civilised because the couples are there to get our legal expertise – it’s not an interactive process like mediation.

What also helps is when they hear the other party receive unwelcome advice. Divorce is always a compromise – it’s good to hear that they both have to give a bit. Ultimately, the sooner couples get to the answer, the sooner they can rebuild their lives on the other side of divorce.

About Samantha Woodham and Harry Gates 

Samantha Woodham and Harry Gates are both family law barristers at 4 Paper Buildings. They are each recognised as leading individuals in both the Legal 500 and Chambers and Partners. Their private practices encompass both financial remedy and private law children work.

Alongside this they have set up The Divorce Surgery, a unique service which allows couples to obtain joint, impartial advice at any stage of the divorce process

The Divorce Surgery won the Best Client Service Innovation Award at the Lawyer Awards in June and the Best Client Management Innovation Award at the Legal Week Awards in May. It has been named by the Financial Times in the FT50 Most Innovative Law Firms in Europe.

www.thedivorcesurgery.co.uk

@DivorceSurgeon

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How Much Does a Divorce Cost in the UK
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How Much Does a Divorce Cost in the UK?

Published on
Dan Woodruff
Certified Financial Planner and Chartered Wealth Manager

This article aims to answer the question: “How much does a divorce cost in the UK?”

To answer this question, we have used insight from divorce solicitor, Lauren Howard, of Holmes and Hills, based in Braintree, Essex.

We also examine divorce costs from a financial perspective – trying to look beyond the initial divorce, and more into the long-term effects on your finances.

Key points

  • What does the average divorce cost?
  • Cost of a divorce lawyer
  • Cost of a financial settlement or arrangements for children
  • Financial Planning after a divorce
  • About Lauren Howard

What does the average divorce cost?

Lauren Howard tells us: “Divorce is a very difficult time and can be very expensive. It is emotionally demanding and is life-changing. The emotional and financial costs can vary dramatically.”

According to the Money Advice Service, in 2018:

  • Approximately 42 in 100 marriages now end in divorce.
  • The average divorce cost in the UK stands at £14,561, in respect of legal fees and lifestyle costs.

The average divorce cost only tells you part of the story. According to Lauren, “When we think of the cost of divorce, we think about legal fees; however, there are also other costs involved. One party will often move out and if the family are supporting two homes instead of one, this can lead to considerable costs. If either party needs to buy a new home, then we need to consider the costs of sale and purchasing a new property.”

Cost of a divorce lawyer

What is the average cost of a divorce lawyer? It seems that the costs vary according to a number of criteria:

  • The location and experience of the lawyer
  • Whether you opt for fixed fees or hourly rates
  • Whether the divorce is contested
  • Whether you are the petitioner or the respondent
  • Complicating factors in your particular case

Lauren says, “The costs vary depending on what lawyer you use and your particular case. What everyone agrees on, however, is that it is the arguing that costs the money. The more you argue, the more expensive your divorce will be.”

Petitioner divorce costs

You are the petitioner if you are the person seeking the divorce.

Again according to the Money Advice Service, typically you will pay £450 to £950 in solicitor’s fees (+VAT), and £550 as court fee to issue the petition. Therefore, the total cost should be between £1,100 and £1,700.

For an uncontested divorce, Holmes & Hills Solicitors charge a set fee of £600, plus VAT, plus court costs. 

Respondent divorce costs

You are the respondent if your spouse is divorcing you.

Typically fees are lower for the respondent, and you will not need to pay the court fee to issue the petition. The range of solicitor’s fees are typically £250 to £600 (+VAT), making a likely fee of £300 to £720.

Reducing costs by doing the divorce yourself

You can save costs in the short term by not using a solicitor. You will still have to pay the court fee of £550 if you are the petitioner. Saving on legal fees may seem attractive, but you should also consider the risks of this approach:

  • Speed
    If you use a solicitor, you are much more likely to get the divorce completed without unnecessary delays.
  • Technical knowledge and wisdom
    Your divorce lawyer will have completed rigorous training and has experience in navigating the often complex legal system.
  • Getting it right first time
    You should avoid unnecessary mistakes that are more likely if you take on your divorce yourself.
  • Avoiding financial pitfalls
    Your divorce is likely to lead to some sort of financial settlement (see below). Your lawyer works for you, and can advise you as to whether any offer from the other side is fair. Without legal advice, you may accidentally enter into an agreement that could later damage your financial interests.

Cost of a financial settlement or arrangements for children

When you divorce, you not only have to pay to cease the marriage, but may also have additional costs related to your separation of assets, as well as arrangements for any children.

This is one area that can make the case more complex, based on your individual circumstances, and whether both parties agree.

Your divorce solicitor can help you to come to an agreement, and then assist you to incorporate that agreement into a legally binding document. According to the Money Advice Service, costs may vary, depending on the circumstances:

Simple agreement

Solicitor fees may be between £500 to £800 (+VAT), plus a court fee of £50. Therefore, the range of costs may be between £650 to £1,000.

Complex assets

If you have more complex assets, you may need more legal work. The total fee could be up to £1,500.

Mediation costs

You may opt for mediation if you are unable to come to a straightforward agreement with your spouse. The cost of this may be around £1,200.

Divorce court fees

If you are unable to agree on how to settle your financial affairs, or arrangements for the

How Much Does a Divorce Cost in the UK divorce process
Image by Speedy McVroom from Pixabay

children, then you may have to go to court to settle matters. This involves a significant increase in costs. The fees you will pay depend on the additional work done by your solicitor, and this is likely to be performed on an hourly rate rather than a fixed fee, mainly because the work is more difficult to quantify.

Total costs for legal work and court fees typically range between £10,000 and £15,000 (but can be greater).

Lauren reminds us of the value of good legal advice in contested cases: “Your solicitor should be able to provide you with a very good idea as to what you can achieve at Court, and hopefully therefore, you can reach a settlement and avoid Court proceedings.”

The implication is that good legal advice will help you to save money by avoiding unnecessary court-related fees.

Legal aid

Legal aid is quite limited for divorces. According to Lauren, “Legal Aid is available if you are on a very low income for mediation. Legal Aid is also available in some other circumstances, if for example there are concerns in respect of domestic violence.”

Financial planning after a divorce

The divorce cost does not end with the actual proceedings, and the legal end of the marriage. You should also think carefully about how the divorce will affect your future financial security. We explore this issue more in our divorce financial planning case study.

Separation of finances

At the basic level, you will undergo a significant change to your financial situation. When you were married, you would have shared lifestyle costs such as bills, and housing. When you divorce, you will need to budget for a completely new situation. Both parties will need to pay for separate housing, and your bills will change.

Preparing a new budget

As a minimum you should prepare a budget to understand how your finances will change once you have divorced. Your finances will become separate before you divorce, but this is not the end of the matter.

You should also consider how any financial settlement may impact your short-term and long-term future. Be careful to consider whether you are giving up long-term stability in exchange for short-term needs.

The family home

It is very common for the family home to form part of any financial settlement when you divorce. This inevitably means that there will be an impact on your finances. You may have to pay for a mortgage on an ongoing basis, or instead may need to fund a new home if the family home is to be sold.

 Maintenance

You may receive maintenance from your former spouse, particularly if you have children; alternatively, you may have to pay maintenance, if your income is greater than your former spouse.

Take account of the agreed schedule of payments: how much is due, and over what period.

You should consider what you will do when the maintenance stops. If you are receiving maintenance, will you be able to live comfortably? If you are paying maintenance, you may need to hold back certain financial decisions until a later date.

Pensions

Pensions are often one of the largest assets in a divorce settlement. Often pensions are greater value for one spouse than the other. In this case, it is common to pass part of the pension assets from one spouse to the other. This needs careful attention from a financial adviser, as important decisions will need to be made. Read more about pension options on divorce.

How financial planning can help with divorce costs

If you are getting divorced, you may benefit from having a clear view on what your future financial situation could look like. You will want to know that your future is secure and that you will have enough.

A divorce can be a financially challenging time and you will have a number of questions relating to things like the value of your pensions and those of your spouse. You will also be interested to know how much money you will need to maintain your existing lifestyle.

About Dan Woodruff

Dan Woodruff is a certified financial planner and chartered wealth manager with over twenty years’ experience as a financial adviser.

Woodruff Financial Planning helps you to navigate and anticipate significant life changes. Our aim is to help you to ensure your money is managed wisely to give you the financial security that will fund the future and lifestyle that is important to you.

Click here to find out how we help people who are getting divorced.

For more information, please visit Dan’s website.

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How to Overcome your Crippling Divorce Fears

How to Overcome your Crippling Divorce Fears

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

It was hard to concentrate, or even function.

Hard to fall asleep at night, hard to pay attention at work, and no matter what I did to try and distract myself, the sheer panic and chaos followed me around all the time.

Omigod. I have no idea what do to. Will I ever get through this?

I have no idea where I’m going to be in a month, much less a year. How the hell can I plan for anything?

Everything is crumbling around me and I’m terrified.

I remember trying to focus at work, unable to do so, because all I could think about was divorce. How on earth would I figure out the legal things, how could I budget when I no longer had my husband’s income, what if I was never the same again?

It’s commonly said that divorce is one of the most stressful life events that a person experiences.

You can no doubt attest to this—divorce and separation suck, and one of the main issues it’s such a shit show is because of infinite forms of stress it pushes onto you. Divorce is like a high-speed freight train that has gotten off its rails and crashed into your living room.

Here’s what you need to know about divorce fear and stress.

During your split, you have probably felt petrified—sometimes unable to move, to think, to function. You don’t know what’s going to happen to you, the kids, and your way of life. It’s completely normal to feel like this. How could you not?

Your peace of mind’s gone through the window, and that overarching fear of not knowing the causes you to lose sleep at night, unable to concentrate at work, and desperately thinking we’ll never make it through or be happy again.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. I remember waking up one day after another restless night, and something just clicked. A frustrated voice inside me said,

“What are you so afraid of, and why have you not taken steps to counter it?”

And that is where this fear-blasting exercise was born.  When you feel like you’re going off the deep-end with fear of not knowing, do the following:

1. Write down all of the things you’re feeling afraid of—the sources of your fear-based stress. Do this wherever you want—in a journal, on your laptop, on your smart phone or iPad—it doesn’t matter, just someplace that you have easy access to.

2. Be completely honest with yourself! No fear or concern is ever irrational, stupid, or unreasonable. Some of my own fears included…

– I will have to move out of the marital home—the only one I’ve known for years.

– I won’t be able to afford a long and drawn out divorce.

– I will have to put the lawyer fees on my credit card

– My savings will be wiped out and that I’ll have to cash out my 401k to pay for all of this.

How to Overcome your Crippling Divorce Fear
Write down all your fears

– My family will judge me

– My friends will shun me

– I will be alone and don’t know what to do

– I am afraid to start over.

– I am afraid of never being happy again.

Your fears may be similar, or you may have additional fears, such as:

– I won’t get to see my children

– The kids are going to have a hard time adjusting

– He/She will bleed me dry and I’ll lose everything

3. Now comes the part that takes some work, but it’s the best part. Under each fear, write down a solution. This step shows you the truth—that you have the power to beat those fears and calm down that stress you feel. I’ve provided a few examples so you get the gist of it before you write your own solutions.

I will have to move out of the marital home—the only one I’ve known for years.

If I want to stay here, I am going to speak with my attorney to see what my options are to remain. I will look at the budget to see if this is possible, but if it is not, I know I have plenty of options for other housing. I also know that I am the one who has the memories in my heart, and that I, along with my children, are still a home and can create our own memories, wherever we are.

I won’t be able to afford a long and drawn out divorce.

I do not want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a divorce. If my spouse and I are on speaking terms, I will examine options for using divorce mediation, which could help prevent long expensive court battles.

I will also research my options and ask around to find a good divorce attorney that uses a conciliatory problem-solving approach, instead of a belligerent gladiator one. I may also speak with a financial advisor to help with the financial side, and I could talk to a divorce coach, who could possibly help with money-saving ideas.

My savings will be wiped out and that I’ll have to cash out my 401k to pay for all of this.

If I am working with an attorney, I will possible payment plans. I may also seek pro-bono help or find divorce legal clinics that can help minimize costs. I will focus on the big picture. If I don’t want to wipe out my savings fighting in court, I will learn how to choose my battles so I can move on with my life.

My family will judge me.

I will be honest and ask for their support, but I do not have to surround myself with people who will make me feel worse about the situation. If I am afraid of this, I will work with a therapist, who can help me create boundaries with my family and help me grieve in a healthy way.

I will be alone and won’t know what to do.

I may feel alone because I’m no longer with my spouse, but I will find a great support system—there are support groups, online groups, friends who care about me. I will not be afraid to ask for help. I will be kind to myself, patient with myself, and realize I don’t have to do everything at once.

As you can see, once you start doing this exercise for yourself, you will notice that neutralizing your fears goes beyond just giving yourself a pep-talk.

This exercise can help you start taking action.  And when you take action against those fears, they no longer become the things that will keep you up at night—instead, they become the logical courses of action—merely things on a to-do list—that you will accomplish because despite your panic and fear right now, you are a hell of a lot stronger than you realize.

Facing and beating your divorce fears and learning how to counter them may not be fun or easy, but in the end learning those strategies will help diminish your stress so you can think clearly, move on with your life, and get back to being happy.

Click here for more articles by Martha Bodyfelt

Author Bio

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce recovery coach whose website “Surviving Your Split” shows readers how to get their confidence back and move on with their lives.  For your Free Divorce Goddess Survival Kit, stop by Surviving Your Split today!

Website: http://survivingyoursplit.com/

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Sharing the Caring: Getting the Best Result for the Child when Parents Separate

Published on
Jane Bolton
Solicitor at Jones Myers Family Law Specialist

When relationships break down, sharing the care of children can be complex and fraught with emotions.

In the first instance both parents should be encouraged to discuss how best arrangements can be reached to enable the children to benefit from the love and affection of their mum and dad.

Unfortunately direct discussions and agreement between separating parents can be hard to achieve and often this results in there being problems or arguments about things such as travel arrangements, handovers, holidays, and whether the children should stay overnight.

It is at times like this that the support and help of experienced family lawyers can be valuable. Seeing the “other side of the coin”, and learning what is “normal” or seen as reasonable by the Court and other child care professionals in these circumstances can be invaluable and can help with discussions.

Family lawyers can assist in gaining an understanding of what is in the best interests of the children and how other families have overcome and resolved these difficulties with success.

Many difficult situations can be helped by mediation, or through discussions with solicitors, or through solicitor’s correspondence.

Mediation are meetings when an experienced person discusses with both parents the ideas they may have for care of the children and assists them by looking at practicalities and how the arrangements will impact on the children. These open discussions can help both parents to have the opportunity to hear, and listen to what the other parent thinks and likewise are given the opportunity to express how they feel about the proposed arrangements.

Where both parents can talk and reach agreement about children’s arrangements, it usually allows them to have quality time with their children. Doing so helps them both to benefit from resolving a difficult situation with minimal conflict – and ensures the welfare of the children remains a priority.

Unfortunately there are occasions when agreement cannot be reached and one of the parents will issue proceedings to court for a Judge to decide. In these circumstances the application is usually for a Child Arrangements Order, previously known as “Residence” and/or “Contact” orders.

Child Arrangements Orders are final decisions, made by the court or by agreement, which outline what arrangements should take place for a child, ideally for the remaining duration of their childhood. They confirm who a child should live with and the time they should spend with the non-resident parent.

The orders are designed to find a balance between the resident parent who the child lives with and the non-resident parent where they spend time, or if circumstances dictate, can reflect a shared care arrangement.

It is important to remember that a court will always consider what is in the best interests of the child, and the welfare of the child as their primary consideration. In doing so they will take into account factors such as: 

  • The wishes and feelings of the child concerned
  • The child’s age, sex and background
  • The parents’ circumstances and how that affects the day-to-day looking after the children.

Each order will clearly set out the times the child should spend with each parent during the year, including term time, school holidays and significant dates such as birthdays.

It will often also consider other aspects like handover arrangements, transport costs, and who is responsible for transporting the child, or who should or should not be present at a hand over.

In the event of an acrimonious separation, many of these issues can become contentious and disputed and it is advisable to enlist the support of experienced family law specialists who will try and make the difficult process as smooth and as stress-free as possible.

About Jane Bolton

Jane is a specialist in child care law and children’s matters and represents parents, grandparents, children and local authorities in proceedings. A Law Society Children Panel member, her expertise includes child arrangements disputes, care proceedings and relocation. www.jonesmyers.co.uk

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Suzy Miller - The Divorce Strategist

Suzy Miller – The Divorce Strategist

Published on
Suzy Miller
Divorce Strategist

The Divorce Magazine met up with Divorce Strategist, Suzy Miller to find out how she can help couples going through the divorce process as well as cohabiting couples going through separation.

This is what Suzy told us about her role, her job and how she helps.

I am a Divorce Strategist who helps to prepare people who are divorcing for a more peaceful journey through divorce.

I am independent – I am not a lawyer, not a mediator (though I am an affiliate member of the Family Mediator’s Association) – but I know who you need to talk to when divorcing to stay on a peaceful path, and when is the best time to talk to those experts.

Quite simply, my mission is to inspire and empower parents to co-parent without conflict during or after family breakup by making sure they create a strategy that will be win-win for the whole family.

I’m your ‘travel guide’ through divorce – helping you to create your own Divorce Strategy.

Because I am on the co-parenting journey myself, and I want to share what I’m learning from the many experts I speak to, it’s important to me to bust some myths (like “mediation only works for divorcing parents who “get on well” – when actually it can work for adversarial couples too), and I take clients on a journey that is a bit like going up in a balloon and traveling over the landscape of divorce, looking down and understanding just how toxic the family law system can be, and what strategies you need to protect yourself – and your family.

I do not believe in broken families. What we evolve into during divorce are extended families.

I am able to enlighten people on how to save at least £65,000 on their divorce, and who they need to be guided towards to provide the best support for their financial decisions, and for their children (eg. parenting experts like Soila!).

I receive referrals from mediators for people they cannot yet work with – because they are not in a good space for mediation to have a chance of success.

The work that I do gets them ready to access mediation with confidence and understanding the full strategic benefits of sticking to a peaceful route through divorce, and I steer them back (when they are ready) to the professional who originally referred them.

Because the time-lag can be large if that referral takes ages to contact me, I provide affiliate links to make sure I know where each client has come from.

How are you different from a divorce coach?

Well, I’ve observed very successful divorce coaches during their workshops and what I have that they don’t, is clarity on who does what.

At a workshop I was witnessing last year there was a point where the attendees where quite confused, asking questions like: “What does a financial planner do? Doesn’t the lawyer deal with all the financial stuff?” … and: “Isn’t mediation fluffy?” … and: “What is Collaborative Law anyway?”

I am the person who understands how the jigsaw of divorce can be put together in a different way, through empowering the divorcing person (or couple) to understand who they need to talk to, and when, to get the best outcome.

The reason this is important is because the impact of that knowledge can have a powerfully beneficial affect on their children.

This is why my Divorce Strategy Sessions are 100% refundable at the end of the session.

That might seem crazy, but I provide all the information I can during our session and if the divorce is fairly straightforward and the person is happy to take action on their own, with the information they have, then that’s all they need.

It is only if they choose to have a further session and benefit from other support structures that I’ve created, then they can choose not to have their initial payment refunded.  It’s entirely up to them.

That way I know no-one needs to miss out on information that could change the course of their divorce – not just financially, but psychologically as well.

Every family has the right to a peaceful divorce.  That doesn’t mean easy, or without anger or pain (I don’t have a magic wand!).

But to have the ability to rise above such a traumatic and challenging aspect of family life, and look down as you float past and see it all in a different way – that for me is my core role.

And in practical terms, my ambition is to continue to help families access dispute resolution who otherwise may have to be turned away as ‘not suitable’, when in fact, what they need to ‘be suitable’, is a different way of looking at their situation.

I use coaching techniques but my focus is very pragmatic – making sure they understand the process and have realistic expectations.

Many divorce coaches don’t have the network of expertise that I have to tap into and share with my clients, because I’ve also created an Alternative Divorce Directory to gather together professionals in a wide range of disciplines.

But I value the role of divorce coaches highly, which is why I include them on my Alternative Divorce Directory and refer clients to them.

I have collaborated with the MOJ in promoting dispute resolution, am an affiliate member of the Family Mediators’ Association, have written for the Daily Mail and been featured in many national magazines and appeared on BBC Breakfast TV, Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour and C5’s The Vanessa Show.

I also have a talk that is a little ‘raw’ in nature, but I’m keen to be real with people about why I do what I do, sharing my own story. 

It all sounds really interesting but how do you work with Divorce Professionals or do you work with them?

If any divorce professionals would like to make my Divorce Strategy services (effectively free to clients as they have a fully refundable deposit) available to their clients, they can access an affiliate link here

For divorcing people who want to access my service direct, and are scared of the cost and the emotional upheaval of divorce – and need a strategy that’s fully refundable – then there is more information here: Family Life Resilience

 

“Peace is my weapon of choice”

Click here for articles that Suzy Miller has shared with The Divorce Magazine

To find out more about Suzy:

07525 059 634

www.AlternativeDivorceDirectory.co.uk

linkedin.com/in/startoversuzy

@StartOverSuzy

@sosDivorce

 

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash

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Separated and Divorced Parents Need to Make Arrangements for Christmas NOW.

Published on
Daniel Rushton
Head of Family Law
Grindeys Solicitors

Don’t let your troubled relationship ruin the magic of Christmas!

For separated or divorced parents, Christmas can be difficult. Each parent wanting to share the joy of their children throughout the festive period and not necessarily wanting the inconvenience of sharing that joy with their ex.

However, the likelihood is that your child, or children, will want both parents involved. If they do spend Christmas with just one parent, they are likely to want reassurance that the parent they don’t see hasn’t rejected them in anyway or, that the other parent missing out is OK.

Below are some useful tips that may help estranged parents agree arrangements for their children in the hope that the whole family can enjoy a wonderful and stress free Christmas.

  1. Think ahead

Talk to your former partner now about what you would like to happen.  It’s likely that both of you will want quality time with your children.

Take into account the fact that each of you will want a chance to see your child open their presents and to spend time with members of your respective families you may not see that often.

Some parents find that alternating Christmas works well, so that each parent is guaranteed to have every other Christmas with their child and on their year off they may have them on Boxing Day instead.

Others are happy to split Christmas Day in half, so that one parent has their child on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and the other has them Christmas afternoon and for most of Boxing Day.

  1. Handover arrangements are important

Think about transport arrangements if one or both of you is likely to have had a drink and how you will accommodate your child’s almost inevitable desire to take presents they have already opened with them.

Consider asking family or friends to get involved in collecting or dropping off your child if this would help but choose relatives that will keep the atmosphere amicable.

  1. Communication is essential

Whatever their age, knowing which parent they will be with and when, and if they are likely to see you together, can help avoid uncertainty and anxiety.

If your child is old enough to understand what is going on, then it is a good idea to explain the arrangements you have agreed.  While young children may be happy to fit in with your plans, teenagers may have plans of their own which need to be considered.

Christmas is a busy time of the year, with school plays and parties as well as family commitments to fit in.

  1. Mediation may help

If you and your former partner cannot agree on arrangements for your child that work for everyone, talk to your solicitor about how mediation could help.

Sometimes, working with a neutral person with no vested interest in the outcome (other than the happiness of your child) can help to resolve deep-rooted differences in opinion and find creative solutions you may not have previously considered.

If you have a Child Arrangements Order in place, it is likely that the question of what will happen at Christmas will have already been agreed, but it is still possible that problems may arise, particularly if you or your former partner want to make different arrangements this year.

  1. A court order may be necessary

Talk to your solicitor now if your former partner is being difficult because the court tends to see an increase in applications around this time of year, which means you may have to wait for your case to be heard.

You will also need to attend a mediation information and assessment meeting which can take time to organise.

Click here for more articles by Daniel Rushton

ABOUT DANIEL RUSHTON

Daniel has over 20 years’ experience as a specialist family law solicitor. He is Head of the Family Law team at Grindeys Solicitors based in Stoke on Trent.

Daniel has a particular interest and experience in dealing with business owners, company directors and members of the medical profession in matrimonial situations. For this type of work a solicitor who understands your business accounts and business structure is vital to obtain the best financial settlement possible.

Recent cases include one involving an international business and extremely valuable assets and pensions, as well as property abroad.

He has acted for numerous doctors and other medical professionals, council workers, police officers and serving members of the armed services. In twenty-three years, Daniel has dealt with all walks of life and will adopt a professional yet caring approach to your situation.

Email: daniel.rushton@grindeys.com

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Letters to Linda – Getting through this Divorce and Beyond

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

Dear Linda

I am engaged to a woman who has not yet divorced her former husband. We have been together several years and have a two year old son. Her children from the former marriage live with us as their father has been dealing with drug and alcohol addictions. He is creating a number of problems in the divorce proceedings. The children are angry at him and the world. I am angry and frustrated and my fiancé feels guilty and responsible for all the stress. How can I manoeuvre the next few months and get through to our wedding?

 

That’s a lot of reasons to feel angry and frustrated. First and foremost you need to take care of yourself. You are expected to be a support to your fiancé, parent your step children and parent your own child. These are very personal and emotional expectations.

Are the divorce demands going to escalate? Would mediation help? You can ask your fiancé’s lawyer about how to mitigate the problems that have arisen. Guilt is a part of the divorce process no matter what the circumstances. Resolving the divorce problems will help resolve some of that guilt.

Next you need to ask yourself if the wedding should go ahead in a few months or could you wait until there is less stress in your family. If there are reasons that you want to be married straight away after the divorce then perhaps have a short ceremony and plan a celebration with family and friends when life is more settled. Your special day should be filled with happiness.

Are your step children feeling positive about the marriage? They live with you but they are ‘angry and frustrated’. Is that solely because of their father’s problems or are there other things bothering them?

A child deals with problems from a child’s perspective. They do not have adult coping skills. At any age, anger is often an outward expression over the loss of personal control. Your step children have watched as their own family unraveled and now there is most likely a fear of what the future might bring with this new family makeup. They are probably worried about their own father as well as their place in the family.

Understanding that there are reasons for the anger, frustration, and guilt will help you cope and be a support to your family.

A children’s counselor can be very helpful. A counselor is an objective third party and a good one will help your step children develop strategies to deal with their anger. As much as we parents try to help and counsel our children, sometimes what they really need is an impartial perspective.

The following link provides information about children’s mental health issues and counseling options.

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/childrelatedissues.html

 

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA CAN BE FOUND HERE

 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

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