family mediation - Page 18

250 result(s) found.

depression divorce

Depression, Divorce and Mental Health – A Brief Overview

Dr Russell Foster
Consultant Psychiatrist

Throughout life things change, unfortunately not always for the best.

While some changes are usually considered good, such as getting through the last day of school, winning the lottery or the start of the summer, life does not always go the way we want it to.

This has given rise to the notion of’ life events’, which can affect us in many different ways.

Among the more stressful life events is that of divorce, which for most people will invoke a number of thoughts, feelings and ideas, most of which are unlikely to be positive.

Indeed, divorce has myriad impacts and connotations, with a key one being its impact on those directly involved, including friends and family. Not surprisingly, divorce can result in mental health problems.

This article aims to address the following key questions, albeit in brief detail:

  1. How can I tell if I’m depressed (symptoms) as opposed to feeling low due to my divorce? (Difference between grief and depression)?
  2. What treatment options are there for depression and when is it advisable to see a doctor?

Stress

Divorce, like many life events is stressful, with stress being one of those terms that we all use and seem to understand, but the term does have a number of meanings and impacts, and not all stress is bad, although obviously this is somewhat subjective. Here is a definition of stress: “An uncomfortable “emotional experience accompanied by predictable biochemical, physiological and behavioral changes”. [1] It is likely that applying this definition to divorce will not result in too much disagreement, and it is clear that stress and mental disorders can and do have links.

 

Grief versus Depression

So, How can I tell if I’m depressed as opposed to feeling low due to my divorce? In other words, what is the difference between grief and depression?

This question is rather complex, given that what in commonly referred to grief and depression are interpreted differently by psychiatrists.

Let’s start with grief; this is a normal human reaction to certain events, namely some sort of loss.

It is associated with a range of emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions, responses and outcomes and many theories have been proposed to explain it. Like most human experiences it is perhaps better thought of as a process rather than as a single ‘thing’, and thus its impact will depend on the individual in question with different people reacting in different ways.

A key theory of grief, that was proposed by Kubler-Ross, [2] suggests that it comprises of 5 stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance).

George Bonanno, an American professor of Psychology [3] identified four ‘trajectories’ (outcomes) of grief (resilience, recovery, chronic dysfunction, delayed grief or trauma) and suggests that it is an absence of symptoms which is the desired outcome and that resilience is an innate human ability that cannot be taught.

How true this is remains subject to debate and further research.

Adjustment Disorder

There are many diagnoses in psychiatry, and the diagnosis of adjustment disorder is applied to the reaction to a stressful life event such as divorce.

Here are the diagnostic criteria for adjustment disorder according to one of the main diagnostic classification systems currently in use, the DSM-5: [4]

  1. Emotional or behavioral symptoms develop in response to an identifiable stressor or stressors within three months of the onset of the stressor(s);
  2. The symptoms or behaviors are clinically significant, as evidenced by one or both of the following: (a) marked distress that is out of proportion to the severity or intensity of the stressor, even when external context and cultural factors that might influence symptom severity and presentation are taken into account; and (b) significant impairment in social, occupational, or other areas of functioning;
  3. The stress-related disturbance does not meet criteria for another mental disorder and is not merely an exacerbation of a preexisting mental disorder;
  4. The symptoms do not represent normal bereavement;
  5. After the termination of the stressor (or its consequences), the symptoms persist for no longer than an additional 6 months;

Additionally, six sub-types have been described in the DSM-5:

  1. With depressed mood – characterized by symptoms of depression such as low mood, loss of motivation and reduced enjoyment of normally enjoyable activities;
  2. With anxious mood – characterised by symptoms of anxiety such as worry, overestimation of negative possibilities, helplessness or feeling overwhelmed;
  3. With mixed anxiety and depressed mood – characterized by symptoms of both depression and anxiety
  4. With disturbance of conduct or behaviors that violate the rights of others or may be socially unacceptable such as binge eating, excessive drinking or drug use, outbursts of anger, efforts to punish or seek revenge on others;
  5. With mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct presenting with a combination of emotional symptoms (such as depressive or anxious) and conduct disturbances;
  6. Unspecified – Theses are maladaptive reactions to stress that do not fall into any other subtype;

Note that adjustment disorders are usually short-lived, do not include more severe ‘psychotic’ symptoms such as hearing voices, delusions and so forth, and also exclude other psychiatric disorders. Here it is helpful to contrast adjustment disorder with what is commonly termed depression. Most people equate depression with low mood, but is a range of other, associated symptoms, and to complicate matters there are a range of similar disorders which will not be discussed here.

Depression

Most people will be acquainted with the idea of depression, but in reality this is just a word and in mental health circles there are a wide range of descriptions of this concept.

For the sake of simplicity, only the details of what is arguably the main type of depressive presentation, termed ‘depressive episode’, will be presented, as depressive disorders, also called ‘mood’ or ‘affective’ disorders constitute a complex range of disorders. Here are the diagnostic criteria for a depressive episode: [5]

Depressed mood, loss of interest and enjoyment, and reduced energy leading to increased fatiguability and diminished activity. Marked tiredness after only slight effort is common. Other common symptoms are:

(a) reduced concentration and attention;

(b) reduced self-esteem and self-confidence;

(c) ideas of guilt and unworthiness (even in a mild type of episode);

(d) bleak and pessimistic views of the future;

(e) ideas or acts of self-harm or suicide;

(f) disturbed sleep

(g) diminished appetite.

Any lowered mood usually shows little variation from day to day, but may show variation as the day goes on.  The clinical presentation shows marked individual variations, and in some cases, anxiety, distress, and motor agitation may be more prominent at times than the depression.

There may also be other features such as irritability, excessive consumption of alcohol, histrionic behaviour, exacerbation of pre-existing phobic or obsessional symptoms, or by preoccupations (of having a physical serious illness.

A duration of at least 2 weeks is usually required for diagnosis, but the diagnosis may be made with shorter durations is symptoms are especially severe and of rapid onset.

A number of other symptoms may also be present:

-loss of interest or pleasure in activities that are normally enjoyable;

-lack of emotional reactivity to normally pleasurable surroundings and events;

-waking in the morning 2 hours or more before the usual time;

-depression worse in the morning;

-objective evidence of definite psychomotor retardation or agitation (that is, undertaking activities or functioning more slowly or always being on the go) which is remarked on or reported by other people);

-marked loss of appetite;

-weight loss (often defined as 5% or more of body weight in the past month);

-marked loss of libido.

Note that these symptoms can overlap with other mental health disorders as well as physical health disorders and can be classed as mild, moderate or severe depending on several factors such as number and severity of symptoms.

 

Treatment of Depression

If you ask a doctor about treatments for any condition, especially one who has a good background in treatment of mental health disorders, they may well reply with the cryptic reply of Biological, Psychological and Social.

In other words, treatments are divided into three main types, which I will now explain in brief detail.

Biological Treatments

This category includes ‘physical’ treatments, which are perhaps the most commonly recognized by most people.

The mainstay of biological treatment in depression is medication, of which there are many examples, with new medications being introduced every so often. Prescribing for depression is complicated, with different medications prescribed for different presentations.

Not all people respond to medication and prescribing needs to take in a large number of individual variables. There are several classes of anti-depressants depending on their mode of action, and ant-depressants can be used for other conditions apart from depression, including some other mental health conditions as well as physical conditions such as pain and even incontinence.

Commonly used anti-depressants include:

 

Class Example Brand Name
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)

 

Fluoxetine Prozac
Citalopram Cipramil
Paroxetine Seroxat
Sertraline Lustral
Serotonin-noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs)

 

Duloxetine Cymbalta
Venlafaxine Efexor
Noradrenaline and specific serotonergic antidepressants (NASSAs)

 

Mirtazepine Zispin
Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs)

 

Amitriptyline Tryptizol
Clomipramine Anafranil

 

Apart from medications other biological treatments include ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy), in which a mild electric shock is given to the anaesthetised patient to induce a mild seizure and Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation therapy (TMS) in which a wand is placed over the head of the patient and electric currents are generated which are thought to stimulate specific brains areas.

Brain surgery is a final example of biological treatment, but this is extremely rarely performed and is not generally considered in the treatment of depressive disorders.

 

Psychological Treatments

These comprise ‘talking’ therapies, with most people understanding these as some form of ‘counselling’.

This is not quite accurate, as counselling, itself comprising several approaches, differs from the mainstay of psychological therapy, namely Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

Counselling involves talking about problems to a counselor, with the view to providing support but not advice. Rather, the aim is to assist the client in their own understanding of the problems and to gaining their own insights.

CBT aims to help by showing the interconnections between thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviours/actions with the aim of helping the client to understand these interconnections and how to change them.

It addresses current problems rather than past events and is a highly structured form of treatment that requires he individual to be motivated and committed. It entails a series of sessions, usually weekly, with ‘homework’ to apply ideas and newly acquired skills.

There are may other different types of talking therapies, but in the case of divorce it is likely counselling that would be the most commonly used first-line talking therapy.

 

Social treatments

Finally, social treatments need to be considered, which include having good social support, somewhere to live, food to eat, financial stability, some sort of structured activity such as work, hobbies, regular physical activity and so on.

Without these other treatments may be less effective, and the usual approach at lest in NHS mental health care is to consider all relevant aspects of an individual’s presentation so as to provide the optimal treatment that aims for long-term stability.

 

When to seek help

It can be difficult to know when to speak to your doctor about any sort of health problem, and often the thought of doing this is worse than the reality when and if it actually happens.

If you feel, or someone else feels, that there is a problem which is having an impact on your functioning, it is worth seeing your GP, not least for peace of mind. Your GP will then be able to advise what the next step is.

It is possible to self-refer to some mental health services such as IAPT (‘Improving Access to Psychological therapies’), and your GP can often advise re other interventions or services which may be appropriate. If in doubt speak to your GP, a trusted friend, a family member, and if necessary ask them to go with you to the GP.

Most people undergoing life events do not need to see a psychiatrist, and those that do will more often than not benefit from this. There is help and support out there, and often taking the first step to access this is the hardest…

[1] Baum A (1990) “Stress, Intrusive Imagery, and Chronic Distress” Health Psychology 6: 653-675.

[2] Kubler-Ross E (1969) On death and dying. New York: Macmillan.

[3] Bonanno GA (2004) “Loss, Trauma, and Human Resilience: Have We Underestimated the Human Capacity to Thrive After Extremely Aversive Events?” American Psychologist 59 (1): 20–8.

[4] American Psychiatric Association (2013) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition. 5th. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association; 2013.

[5] World Health Organisation (1992) ICD-10 Classifications of Mental and Behavioural Disorder: Clinical Descriptions and Diagnostic Guidelines. Geneva: World Health Organisation.

About Dr Foster

Russell is Albert Square Mediation Limited‘s consultant on medical related issues.

He is a distinguished consultant liaison psychiatrist and specialist in liver transplant psychiatry, a member of the Judiciary, Responsible Officer in a top 100 company  and an acknowledged expert in his field.

He is a very widely published author and speaks a number of languages. Having lived in Canada, North Africa and Norway and travelled extensively he brings an international perspective to his career.

His experiences of working in the NHS have drawn him to the conclusion that the current adversarial models such as internal discipline proceedings and court related litigation that are often used to resolve medical related disputes are ineffective and are a massive burden on the public finances.

Apart from postgraduate qualifications in medicine, psychiatry, biochemistry, toxicology, law and others Russell also has training in workplace mediation and healthcare management.

He also has an interest in what the mediation process can offer healthcare professions in the UK. His primary role is  to assist ASM in promoting its medical mediation work and where appropriate he will give informal guidance.

Outside of work he enjoys cycle training, travelling, composing music and learning new languages.

See Russell Foster’s LinkedIn profile here

Free Printable Parenting Plan

The Benefits of Parenting Plans – with a Free Printable Parenting Plan

Ruth Langford
Qualified Paralegal specialising in Family Law

One of the most difficult discussions that parents may have as part of their separation or divorce is what happens to the children; knowing what to discuss and where to start can be very difficult.

Parents may tend to focus on the ‘every other weekend and one night in the week’ scenario, rather than the entirety of arrangements for their children.

By using a parenting plan as a discussion tool to begin with, parents can use the questions asked in the plan to talk about what arrangements would work best for them and their children.

What is a Parenting Plan?

A parenting plan is simply a written record of the agreement made by parents that set out how they would like to continue parenting their children after separation or divorce and what the practical arrangements are.

Why Use a Parenting Plan?

Using a parenting plan provides parents with a structure when they discuss making practical and workable arrangements for their children.

There are many advantages to using a parenting plan, not least because it helps keep parents out of court and focused on their children; and unlike a court order, which is set in stone, a parenting plan allows for flexible arrangements and can be reviewed at appropriate times – for example, when a child moves from nursery to primary school. Other benefits include:

Helping to keep both parents’ legal fees down, as you are discussing the arrangements between you and not using the solicitors to communicate with your partner or spouse.

Helping to create a stable environment for your children as there is reduced conflict between you and your child’s other parent.

Helping parents focus on work together for their children, which shows your children that you are working hard to put their interests and needs first.

Parents who have invested in coming to agreements about the arrangements for children feel more empowered and are far more likely to stick to the plan.

If parents wish, their children can have an input into the arrangements so that any considerations the children would like taken into account can be heard – for example, having friends to sleep over at both their homes and, in the case of older children, having new freedoms.

This is not the same as allowing children to decide or choose the arrangements themselves – children should never have that burden of responsibility placed on them, but they should be able to have a say and make some suggestions as to what they would like.

A parenting plan can include specific important events for your family – the annual summer barbeque that Uncle Mike has each year or Granny’s Boxing Day feast, for example. All families are different; a parenting plan takes this into account and allows parents and families to include these all-important family gatherings and traditions.

Who is the Plan for?

The parenting plan is useful for all parents who are separating or divorcing, but it’s especially for parents who wish or intend to put together a proposal regarding the child arrangements for the other parent to consider whether that’s for informal discussion between them or for mediation sessions.

A parent who is considering applying to Court is also required to submit a completed parenting plan along with the application.

This shows the Court that you have put a great deal of thought into what it is you are asking the Court to consider and that you have a very clear idea of what you think are the best arrangements for your children.

Once you have an agreement with the other parent, you can also formalise the agreed arrangements for children by signing a copy of the parenting plan, which sets out the final arrangements.

This signed, final copy not only formalises your agreement but can also act as an important guide to refer to if any issues are raised in the future over what the agreed arrangements are.

And remember, the arrangements don’t have to set in stone – there may be events or life changes such as a new job or moving to a new town that mean any carefully thought-out arrangements are no longer relevant, and they need to be revised and changed to reflect your new circumstances.

I have written this parenting plan specifically to help parents have positive and constructive discussions about parenting after separation or divorce. I really wanted it to be something that facilitates conversation and dialogue between parents and at the same time guide them a little by making some useful suggestions as part of the questions posed.

I also am a firm believer in keeping parents out of court whenever possible, and empowering and enabling them to work together, because it’s not better just for their children – it’s better for parents too.

Here is your free printable parenting plan – Downloadable parenting plan document from Oratto

About Ruth Langford, F.Isnt.Pa

Ruth is a Qualified Paralegal specialising in Family Law in both England/Wales and Scotland, with a particular interest in the law as it applies to children.  She has been advising and assisting people going through family break-up for over 9 years.

Ruth is co-author of The Family Law A to Z – A,  the reference book for litigants & students; and is an established and published writer, and has written for publications in the UK, Australia and the USA.

She has made a number of appearances on radio and television, and been featured in a number of media and magazine articles. In 2014, she was a consultant for a major story line on an award-winning television drama series.

Ruth is an elected Fellow of the Institute of Paralegals, a member of the Association of Lawyers for Children and was one of the first UK women to join Leading Women 4 Shared Parenting. In October 2015, she was awarded the honour of Jordan’s Family Law Paralegal of the Year.

Ruth previously worked for Wikivorce and now works for Oratto, an innovative client-led business. Oratto is about helping people choose the right lawyer for their particular issue as well as providing a quick and easy route to engage with a legal practitioner.

She lives in Hampshire with her husband, daughter, and a variety of animals. In her spare time, she enjoys crochet, walking and photography.

www.Oratto.co.uk

Ruth.Langford@Oratto.co.uk

Twitter – @Ruth_Langford  or @OrattoLaw

 

What Is The Average Cost Of Divorce?

What Is The Average Cost Of Divorce?

Henry Crisp
Founding Partner
Crisp & Co.

If you’re considering going through a divorce, often one of the biggest worries will be the overall cost associated with the process. After all, divorce has always been famous for its price tag. But what does the price entail?

Aviva estimates the overall cost of a divorce at nearly £44,000 – or £21,979 per partner to be precise. That seems like a whopping amount.

However, the cost of legal fees per person on average makes up just £1,280 of that total. So what are the other costs associated with divorce? According to the research by Aviva, setting up a new home, arranging childcare and even post-separation holidays are among the secondary costs frequently cited by divorcing couples.

In our recent infographic, “What Is The Cost Of Divorce?” we break down the average cost of a divorce as well as providing some top tips for protecting your assets and ensuring the best outcome for you and your family.

What are the Costs?

For any divorce, you will need to apply for a divorce petition and pay the court fee – this is currently £550.

It is highly advisable to instruct a solicitor to help you through your divorce, and the solicitor’s fees will be on top of the court fee.

The bulk of the financial upheaval associated with divorce will be down to the division of assets. This doesn’t necessarily need to be done by a judge in court: there are various forms of alternative dispute resolution available, such as mediation.

In a mediation session, you and your partner will sit down with an impartial mediator who will guide the negotiations. If you and your partner cannot agree on a settlement, it will be the role of the judge to decide how assets are split.

 How are Assets Divided?

There are few set rules regarding who gets what in a divorce. Usually, assets acquired during the marriage (often known as ‘marital assets’) are considered as the property of both partners and put into the divorce pot to be divided up.  This includes:

  • Property
  • Earnings/pension acquired through work
  • Business and investments
  • Money

When deciding how to fairly divide up these assets between the divorcing couple, the judge will take into consideration a number of factors:

  • Whether there are any children
  • Whether a pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreement exists
  • The length of the marriage
  • Future income and financial needs of both parties
  • New relationships (e.g. if one person has started a new relationship and is living in their new partner’s home)

However, every divorce settlement is decided on its own merits, and no two situations are the same. The judge has discretionary powers and will ultimately make the call on what is fair.

About Henry

Henry Crisp qualified as a solicitor in 1992 and has specialised in the practice of all aspects of Family Law since then.

Henry is a founding Partner of Crisp & Co.  As well as being a qualified Mediator, Henry is also a member of Resolution and is trained and practised in Collaborative Law.

 

 

Start the Divorce Process

How to Start the Divorce Process

Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

In April 22nd, 2014 a change was made in Family Law to have a couple attend a mediation information and assessment meeting (MIAM) to see if mediation is a viable option for them as a divorce process and as a possible way of avoiding court altogether.

A mediator can put in writing that a couple attend a mediation interview, but are choosing litigation instead.

During divorce, a judge may send spouses to mediation to negotiate just one aspect of it, such as child arrangements or finances. A mediator does not provide legal advice, even if he/she is a solicitor.

One can obtain the required divorce forms to apply for divorce from the court. The clerks will give out the correct forms but do not dispense legal advice. The Ministry of Justice website www.justice.gov.uk also has the necessary forms.

The Citizens’ Advice Bureau (CAB) is able to give some generic advice or steer one to a specialist who can be of assistance. CAB has an informative web site www.citizensadvice.org.uk.

There are various online divorce kits for simple divorces. It is still prudent to have a solicitor check over these forms before submission. In Scotland the sheriff’s court has these forms and the CAB will assist you in filling these out.

Before starting divorce, you may want to ascertain that your name is on the house deed by contacting the Land Registry, if you are unsure. If it is only in your spouse’s name, then you can register your interest in the house. For a small fee, the Land Office can do a search for the title number and send you a form to show your rights to co-own the house.

Pre-divorce, speak to a solicitor first to make sure you are not doing anything to compromise a divorce. She may advise you not to move out of the marital home or other actions. She can prevent the other spouse from getting rid of community assets or liquidating a joint bank account.

Criteria for Divorce:

  • A couple must have been married for a year in England and Wales before a divorce petition can be filed.
  • In Scotland there is no minimum time to be married before initiating divorce.
  • In Northern Ireland the minimum time is two years before divorce proceedings.

Domicile is the country where one has an attachment or connection, such as by birth. It can be where you have a passport or your family resides.

One can be living abroad and still get a divorce in the UK. An English couple working in Los Angeles can still have their divorce proceedings through the English court, because they are domiciled in the UK. If the divorce is not contested (disagreed upon) then neither has to appear in court and their solicitors can handle the divorce from afar. Neither spouse can have filed in another country first.

Habitual residency is the place where you live and work. One does not have to have been born in that country, but now has long-term ties to that locale.

If a person from India has lived in London for many years, she is entitled to file to a divorce in England. It does not matter that she makes trips back to Delhi every year to visit family, because her life is in London. In England and Wales the minimum time of habitual residency before being able to initiate divorce is one year.

Jurisdiction is the geographical area that has legal authority to hear a case. If ones lives in Leeds that is the place where the divorce petition is filed, not in a different city such as Manchester. One initiates divorce where one lives or has domicile. This is the location where one has habitual residency.

Two Americans were studying in Cambridge and got married in this country. They lived in the Cambridgeshire area for three years before returning to the States.

After two years there, they decided to divorce. Even though they married in England, they no longer have habitual residency so would have to be divorced in the US. Had they decided to divorce before leaving England, they could have gotten a UK Divorce. They were married and had residency in England for over one year.

Getting Started with Divorce in the UK:  

In England and Wales, the person filing for divorce is the petitioner and in Scotland it is the pursuer. The other spouse is the respondent in England and Wales and the defender in Scotland.

The process of divorce commences when the petitioner files the divorce petition to the court. Included with the petition is:

  • Marriage certificate
  • Issues of divorce with one of the grounds
  • What you want to receive financially

How to start divorce processIf the couple has children then a Statement of Arrangements must also be sent which includes:

  • Where they now live and future visitation plans
  • Their school and any educational or after school needs
  • Any child support requested
  • Any disability or health requirements
  • A Parenting Plan may be attached

The spouse must formally be served these papers in one of these ways:

  • The court posts these papers to your spouse adding the Acknowledgment of Service You or your solicitor will be notified if they are returned back to the court as undeliverable.
  • A bailiff can serve the divorce papers directly to your spouse. A certain form is filled out and a fee is collected for this service.
  • One can pay a private processor to find the spouse and serve the papers.
  • In Scotland there is no Acknowledgement of Service sent to the defender (respondent) spouse. They receive the initial writ from the court containing the grounds for divorce, arrangements for children, and finances. If the other spouse disagrees with any of these, then they fill out a Notice of Intention to Defend form and return it to the court.

The respondent has a week to respond and to send an Acknowledgement of Service to the court verifying that it was received and contains the following:

  • If he/she consents to the divorce
  • Objects to anything in the petition
  • Agrees or disagrees with Arrangements for Children

The respondent has twenty-eight days to file an answer if he intends to defend (contest) the divorce. He can file a ‘’cross petition’’ if he feels that the marriage is over, but not for the reason that the petitioner stated in the divorce petition.

After the respondent returns the Acknowledgement of Service to the court, a copy is posted to the petitioner or their solicitor.

`The next step in the divorce process is the petitioner files an Affidavit with the court. This is a sworn statement that is done before another solicitor (not yours) or a court official which verifies that the signature on the Acknowledgement of Service form is that of your spouse. Also you confirm what is in the Divorce Petition is correct.

Both spouses fill out the incredibly detailed, twenty-eight page Form E or Statement of Means, and give it to the court and the other solicitor. If there is to be a court hearing, then Form E is to arrive thirty-five days ahead of time. This form is a disclosure of what one’s assets are and copies of financial records are attached to this sworn document. Mediation and collaborative divorce may use Form E to collect financial data.

Questions included in Form E or Statement of Means are:

  • Standard of living you had during your marriage and what you expect post-divorce
  • What debts you have and what is owned to you
  • Income needs for yourself and children residing with you
  • Lists of investments, bank accounts, pensions with account numbers, companies and amounts
  • Insurance with surrender value
  • Properties and their worth
  • Cars and other household assets and their value

In Scotland there is no Form E or formal disclosure document. When the spouses come to a financial agreement, the signed statement is registered in the Book of Council and Session in Edinburgh.

If there is a financial change of circumstance post-divorce, then an alteration to this agreement can be made. The Statement of Means or Form E, is not used in Northern Ireland, but rather the court asks for similar financial disclosure at the preliminary hearing.

A judge goes over the paperwork including the Statement of Arrangements for Children. If he does not have any questions and approves of the paperwork, then a Certificate of Entitlement to a Divorce Decree is issued. He posts a copy to the Petitioner giving the date of when the Decree Nisi will be issued.

No court appearance is needed for this provisional decree. The Decree Nisi is issued in the middle of the divorce proceedings. In Scotland there is no Decree Nisi.

The petitioner must wait six weeks and a day before the Decree Nisi is made absolute. The Decree Absolute is not issued automatically and must be requested.

This interim period gives time to work on any financial or child arrangements before the divorce is finalized. The spouses may be sent to mediation to negotiate either child or financial arrangements before the divorce is finalized.

If the petitioner does not apply for Decree Absolute within four and half months, then the respondent is free to do so. If neither has applied for this within a year, then a judge may mandate an explanation of why there was such a long wait. When the Decree Absolute is issued, then the divorce is finalized.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Coping with Divorce at Work

Coping with Divorce at Work

Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There can be issues that arise on the job when going through divorce.

For one thing, an individual may have to leave for divorce sessions or court dates. Consider scheduling mediation or collaborative meetings around lunch time or staying a bit later that day.

See if your divorce professional has early morning slots so that your job is not impacted by absences.

Inform your supervisor regarding your divorce, in case your emotions are more extreme or your interactions are a bit erratic at work.

My two bosses gave me some leeway during this stressful time. It is a toss-up whether or not to tell your co-workers about your situation. The other female and I went out for lattes and I blew off some steam away from our place of employment.

If you feel your work may be slipping a little – then consider confiding in a few trusted colleagues. They can proactively catch some mistakes or at least realize that this is a temporary condition. In some places, one may be the subject of gossip around the office.

Many people pour themselves into their jobs for a much needed distraction.

It can be one’s oasis of calm in the turbulent sea of divorce. Laughing and talking with my fun-loving co-workers helped me keep my sanity. Work projects and tasks keep minds focused and off divorce problems.

Constantly checking one’s phone for messages takes time away from the job and thrusts one back into their divorce situation. Possibly look at texts or e-mail once during the work day, such as during lunch. I did not check anything at all while on the job and had my solicitor or her paralegal call me if something urgent arose. This gave me a break. Then when I got home, I dealt with divorce matters.

What to do if you are about to lose it at work. Pause and take a mini break. Get away from your immediate environment and walk around the block or down some long hallways.

Getting out in nature is therapeutic and decreases stress, as some studies have shown. Go to a nearby park to eat your lunch. Some people use their lunch breaks to release tension by working out at a gym or going for a run. Meeting up with friends for a few laughs during lunch can get you back on track.

There are homeopathic remedies that reduce stress and anxiety. I squirted Bach’s Rescue Remedy into my mouth when feeling overwhelmed with divorce. There are plenty of other brands on the market to take long-term or as a quick fix.

Just as a pregnant woman gets plenty of unsolicited advice, so do people going through divorce. Good friends as well as those you barely know may be inquisitive.

At work, consider having a few close colleagues tell others that you do not want to discuss your divorce, when you have had enough questions. You do not owe anyone explanations or updates.

When cornered at social gatherings, one can fend off questions by saying “Let’s talk about something more fun. How was your holiday?” Keep changing the subject and even the densest person will eventually get the message.

When given advice or told long winded stories of others’ divorces, feel free to say “That’s interesting. I’ll think about it.” That said, I did get a lot of help listening to other folks’ divorce tales and suggestions.

If falling to pieces, consider seeing a life or divorce coach who can help you devise some coping strategies. They will guide you in finding a good work/family balance. A coach is great at listening and working with you to have an easier time with divorce.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

A Case for No-Fault Divorce
/

A Case for No-Fault Divorce

Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith

When it comes to the law and personal relationships, the UK is a curious mixture of the progressive and the archaic.

On the one hand, the law recognises same-sex unions, on the other the process of ending a marriage through divorce seems to be stuck in the past, specifically the 1970s and the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973.

Irretrievable Breakdown of Marriage in the 21st Century

In England and Wales a divorce can only be granted if it is shown that a marriage has broken down irretrievably and there are only 5 acceptable grounds for making this claim.

Adultery – In legal terms adultery is defined as having a sexual relationship with a member of the opposite sex, same-sex relationships are not recognized in this context.

Also adultery ceases to be recognized as grounds for divorce if the deceived party continues to live with their spouse for 6 months after discovering the affair.

Desertion/Living apart

If a husband and wife live apart for two years and both agree to a divorce

If one party leaves the other for two years and the other party requests a divorce

If a husband and wife live apart for five years and one or the other wants a divorce

Unreasonable Behaviour

One party behaves in such a way that the other cannot reasonably be expected to continue living with them.

De facto No-faults Divorce versus Legally-recognized No-faults Divorce

Looking at the list of reasons given above, it can be seen that currently the only way to be granted a divorce without some element of blame being attached to at least one of the parties is to wait at least two years, which can seem a very long time for couples looking to separate amicably and move on with their lives.

Because of this, Richard Bacon MP attempted to introduce the No-Fault Divorce Bill 2016, but this failed to get past its first commons reading.

Interestingly this appeared to be through lack of time as the second reading was postponed and postponed again, rather than through any strong, entrenched resistance to the idea itself.

There is still strong pressure from the legal community to recognize no-faults divorce, as is already the case in some other countries. In particular Resolution, an association of 6,500 family lawyers and other related professionals are continuing to campaign for a change in the law.

They argue that permitting no-faults divorce would not only free up court time, but also have a far lower impact on children.

Moving from the Blame Game to Respectful Co-parenting

The fact that there is still a requirement to demonstrate blame in divorce cases is particularly odd given that over recent years the government has heavily promoted the use of mediation during divorce.

The whole point of mediation is for couple to work constructively together to find a mutually-agreeable way forward which will always have the interests of their children (if any) at the forefront.

Even when divorce is the outcome, the idea is to move forward positively, particularly if there are children involved.

Notwithstanding this if the couple wish to divorce immediately (rather than wait two years), when the case goes to court one or the other has to shoulder the blame for the end of the marriage.

About Kerry

Kerry Smith is the head of family law at K J Smith Solicitors, a specialist family law firm who deal with a wide range of issues including divorce, domestic violence, civil partnerships and prenuptial agreements.

 

How Separated Mums can Avoid Mother’s Day Blues
/

How Separated Mums can Avoid Mother’s Day Blues

Kate Banerjee
Partner and Head of the Children Department
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

For recently divorced or separated mums Mother’s Day might be an upsetting and poignant reminder that family life has undergone substantial upheaval and change.

Whenever and wherever it is celebrated across the globe, the day is important to highlight the importance of those who nurture children. This is something we champion at Jones Myers, where we advocate that children’s best interests always come first.

In the countdown to Mother’s Day, here are some tips to help make the most of the occasion:

1. Plan in advance, and talk to your ex. If they usually see the children on Sunday, ask them if you could swap arrangements for this week. A flexible parenting plan can go a long way to diffusing potential arguments over special days.

2. If you are with the children on that day – and your separation is recent – avoid pressurising them to celebrate, as they may need time to come to terms with the new arrangements. A more subtle way would be to do something on the day that you will all enjoy.

3. If you are not with your children on Mother’s Day, indulge yourself with something special to mark it – and remember the vital role you play. This could also include a group event with other single parents.

4. To make up for not spending the day with your children, create a ‘new’ mother’s day the next time you are together – the occasion does not have to be dictated by the   official calendar date.

Irrespective of what day of the year it is, the best environment for parents to raise children is when both of them play a key role in their development – whether they are still living together or not.

That is why we advocate mediation, arbitration and collaborative family law to help couples achieve an amicable solution in the event of a relationship breakdown.

About Kate Banerjee

Kate, Head of the Children Department at Leeds and London based Jones Myers, is highly skilled in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes. She specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel with experience representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

As well as working regionally and nationally, Kate has considerable expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit.

Kate has “Higher Court Rights,” which enables her to offer clients an all-round litigation service.

//

 Children, Divorce and Alienated Grandparents

Ruth A. S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)

Grandparents play a special role in our lives.

What happens to that relationship in the midst of divorce/separation?

Sometimes, the dynamics become skewed and very complicated. Reshaping the grandchild/grandparent relationship becomes inevitable.

  • Is the role of the grandparent minimized and sometimes eliminated all together?
  • Will the grandchild suffer from the aftermath?
  • Will the grandparents experience grief and heartache because they are no longer viewed as a valuable asset to the child’s life sometimes resulting in alterations to their daily routine?

The answers are an emphatic Yes! Yes! And, Yes!

Divorce and separation have powerful ramifications. Anyone in the path of destruction will feel the impact.

A parent, new or ex boyfriend or girlfriend may become involved, drastically changing communication dynamics and everyday experiences. Or, things may shift because of someone or something else. Regardless of the reason why, the pain of divorce/separation can have far-reaching and long-term effects. On everyone.

Too often, relatives become caught up in the web of confusion that may spin out of control, landing them in the evil vortex of non-existence. This is what happens to many grandparents. They are an integral part of their grand-babies’ lives one day and totally removed the next, with no explanation or notice.

We need to be mindful of the relationship the child has with other family members. When we look at the special bond that exists between a grandchild and grandparent we must expand our gaze and see that the child is not the only one who suffers.

Grandparents’ experience emotional grief too.

Alienated grandparents have become a fast growing group in the arena of divorce. There are now numerous support groups and pages offering advice, emotional support and help.

These confessions portray the feelings of frustration and heartache experienced by too many grandparents.

Note: some responses have been altered and identifying info was deleted to maintain anonymity.

Grandparent alienation - coping with divorce
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

Grandparents who have been denied access to their grandchildren experience tremendous heartache.

A grandmother who recently discovered the concept of PAS shared “My grandchildren are my heart beat. I can not imagine my life without them.”

Several days later she was still distraught at what some grandparents must experience because they are unable to love on their babies after a divorce in their family.

The heartache of some grandparents is clearly revealed in their responses in describing the separation from their grandchildren:

A devoted and loving grandmother shares her experience of alienation and the impact this has had on her granddaughters. In two words: “Heart-wrenching!”

Other grandparents share in her sentiment responding with:

“Each day that passes without them I feel that a part of me dies.”

“Missing my youngest granddaughter…..hopefully when she is 18-yrs-old or even sooner she will come looking for us. it is like a piece of my heart is gone…..like a big puzzle piece that has to be fit in to complete my heart…..”

A grandparent describes the intense emotional pain after losing contact with her toddler who lived with them since birth: “I miss him dearly. It feels like my heart has been taken away. I am now waiting to see if mediation will take place and it’s the waiting that is killing me (after waiting several months)”.

Grandparents describing their newly started court battle to see their granddaughters: “This is the worse emptiness I have ever felt in my life.”

An emotional plea after 6 months of alienation from their 12-year-old grandchild (a part of their lie since his birth): “SOMEONE HELP…I’M HURTING.”

A simple yet poignant and sad response: “Heart aching-literally!”

coping with divorce and grandparent alienation
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

Of all the emotions grandparents may experience one of the worst might be frustration.

Frustration stems from situations in which there is no control. Grandparents may be working very hard and with the best intentions to no avail. This is clearly demonstrated in their responses:

“Not being able to see or talk to my Grandson….”

 “Not being able to see the grandchildren.”

“Not knowing.”

 

“Having my three grandchildren ripped from my life seven years ago.”

 “Not even being able to see a picture of them!”

“Knowing that they live close by and not seeing them. Knowing their other grandmother lives farther away and sees them almost everyday.”

A grandparent reaches out to make policy changes: “Please, let’s get this changed. I need my grand kids like they need us. Let’s get something done.”

Grandparent alieantion
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

As in many cases of parental alienation syndrome there is a consistent theme of bias and unfairness. These grandparents share how this impacts them and their grandchild:

“The injustice of it all 🙁 Having loved and to have been loved in such a special way only to have it all torn away!!”

 “Our grandchildren do not deserve this. It is not their fault.”

 Grandparents fighting to see their young grandson: “We are devastated. We were a huge part of his life. I don’t understand why mothers do this to their children. It’s so unfair to the children. The mother is not putting the child’s best interest first. The mom is angry. The mom does not get along with the dad. Has nothing to do with grandparents! Now she is brain washing him to be afraid of us. We treated her as if she was our daughter. It’s so devastating.”

grandparent alienation and grandparent rights
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

In divorce and separation, the holidays can be difficult.

Family dynamics shift. Sharing birthdays and spending time together as a family may be complicated or not even possible. For some grandparents this is an especially emotional time of the year:

“The terrible tragedy is that the grandchildren have been robbed of a relationship with their grandparents. The harm is done and you can’t go back and make up time for the years missed. Everyone suffers. My table on holidays is always missing 1. Grandparents suffer and grandchildren suffer.”

”February 14th is always a special day. For us, it’s both special, and sad. Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day, but it is also our stolen Grandson’s birthday. 8 years ago, he and his sister would not be allowed to be a part of our family any longer. ”

Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

Grandparents are fearful of being left out. They are concerned and deeply saddened at what is said about them to their grandchildren:

“No communication and knowing they are being told we don’t love them anymore.”

“Having a 20 month old grandson and have never been able to see him. I’ve missed so much already it just breaks my heart.”

“I dread to even being to think what my grandsons have been told.”

“The living hell of wondering if they even know about me. I only saw me oldest twice. , my youngest grandchildren, I have never met”

 “How will my grandchildren learn about being a family if all they see is arguing and fighting and being taken away from the two people who genuinely love them.”

Grandparent alienation
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

An arching theme of alienation is that there are no winners. No one comes out ahead. Ultimately, the tragedy of alienation falls on the child.

Grandparents of alienation are put in the unfortunate position of dealing with their own grief and knowing their grandchildren are experiencing tremendous emotional pain:

“We’ve missed a year and a half of growth and connection. I will never let it go.”

 “I miss my grand babies more than anything! It’s so cruel to keep kids from their grandparents!”

 “The damage this is doing to our grandchildren.”

“Knowing my grandchildren are hurting, and being blocked from helping them.”

 “Kids ripped from the home they know is safe and sure with a roof and warm bed. My heart is so…hurt. Tears and anxiety won’t stop.”

Final Thoughts

The devastation and utter despair of these grandparents is undeniable. Grandparents across the globe are experiencing heartache and frustration due to the trickle down effect of divorce and conflict among parents in the midst of separation:

Referring to grandparents who keep their grandchild from the now ex-in-law parent: “Grandparent alienation is not natural or healthy no matter which generation is the perpetrator.” 

“New at taking legal action to see their grandchildren “but all I want to do is see their happy faces. I have never hated someone so much in my life.” 

“Grandparent alienators need to love their child more than they hate their parents.”

“The most heart wrenching thing to witness is a grandchild being torn in half! But they will grow up, and that parent will reap what they sow.”

“Grandparent alienators are serial killers of the soul.”

“The pain—Never completely goes away.”

Do you have words you would like to share describing the impact divorce has had on you or your family? Share your confession at: MyConfession@SharedParentingConfessional.com

ABOUT RUTH

Ruth is a Certified Family Life Educator and advocate for SharedParenting.  She works in the arena of Shared Parenting focusing on the parent/child relationship in the divorce process.

Ruth actively participates in establishing equal parenting in custody and divorce. She has authored several articles on divorce, Family Court and Shared Parenting and is a contributor at the Huffington Post. She manages 3 sites directed toward the shared parenting arena and created a survey evaluating parents’ experience in Family Court.

LIKE on: Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional

Research and information offered to enhance the parent-child relationship.    SharedParentingInfo.com

 

 

Reduce Half-term Friction

Co-parenting Children of Divorce and Separation – How Cooperation can Reduce Half-term Friction

Kate Banerjee
Partner and Head of the Children Department
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

Half-term holidays can spark the onset of headaches for many divorced and separated parents.

The perennial argument over who gets the children – and when – can be further exacerbated by work patterns and domestic arrangements.

Common issues include full time working fathers being unable to arrange days off when colleagues are also requesting leave – sparking mothers’ concerns that their children will be put in Kids’ Clubs or left with a new partner.

Similarly, a parent who works from home or does not work is better placed to justify having the children than their commuting ex.

With increasing family and work demands putting leisure time at a premium, rifts and tensions result in some couples ending up back in court. Here are some tips to reduce the emotional strain of half term.

  1. Set objectives: just as in the wider context of separation and divorce, start with seeking to achieve what is best for the children, despite your feelings or grievances. Genuinely strive for what will make them happiest, don’t criticise your ex in front of them – and avoid asking them directly or indirectly to take sides.
  1. Be flexible: accept that children will want to see as much of both their parents, their grandparents, wider family and their friends as possible. It falls to both parents to try to achieve this – and if it means that you end up spending less time with your children this half-term, discuss it reasonably with your ex to make up for it in the next one.
  1. Communicate regularly: talk to each other and plan ahead – giving you time to agree on and organise logistics, such as travel, seeing wider family and grandparents’ access.
  1. Keep the children updated on what’s happening: they like certainty and security so let them know as far in advance as possible about half-term arrangements. This will help them adjust to the unexpected and, hopefully, present a scenario they can look forward to.

If you really can’t reach agreement with your ex, mediation is a far less stressful, more cost-effective option than a return to court.

About Kate Banerjee

Kate, Head of the Children Department at Leeds and London based Jones Myers, is highly skilled in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes. She specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel with experience representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

As well as working regionally and nationally, Kate has considerable expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit.

Kate has “Higher Court Rights,” something fewer than 2,500 solicitors have in England and Wales, which enables her to offer clients an all-round litigation service.

 

Couples Counselling
/

Couples Coaching – The Case of Clive and Romaine

Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

Couples Coaching for 2017 – The case of Clive and Romaine Smith, an excellent example of how some timely talking and listening can help save a relationship.

This example also demonstrates that couples coaching is about practicalities and problem solving.

Not so much “Heaven knows I’m miserable now” as “Heaven can see we are working together”.

Clive and Romaine Smith have been together for a little over 15 years and were married 14 years ago.

They have three children, Clive Junior, Max and Marcus aged 13, 10 and 9. Max has recently been diagnosed with what the family GP, Dr Dalziel, terms “severe autism”.

The Smith family reside in a small three-bedroom terraced house which is mortgaged to the Far and Wide Building Society, in Clive’s words, “up to the hilt.”

Clive drives a delivery van undertaking contract work for a number of retailers and works a 60 hour week at minimum wage rates. For the most part, Clive is “self-employed” but one retailer employs him under a zero hours contract and only pays him irregularly.

Romaine works part-time as an administrative assistant in a publishing firm and is on a very low wage. Her employers are very strict about punctuality and her wages are regularly docked because of lateness.

Also, Romaine finds it difficult to meet the very stringent performance targets she is set and sometimes has to work late without recompense. She admits to being very strongly dependent on sleeping tablets.

Romaine claims Child Benefit and Tax Credits and receives an allowance from the local authority in respect of Council Tax  but her family are always very short of money and find it very difficult to balance the books.

She and Clive are consistently in arrears with the mortgage and only pay their utility bills when they receive red reminders. Romaine finds it very difficult to deal with the demands of the tax credit system and as a result has twice been classed as having been overpaid.

Currently, a £700.00 overpayment of this benefit is being clawed back from her ongoing entitlement at a rate equivalent to £10.00 per week.

Max’s educational needs have only recently been “officially” recognised and Romaine and Clive both feel strongly that over a very long period of time, his school SENCO and headteacher have simply failed to address his needs.

Although strictly speaking the GPs reference to “severe autism” is a bit of a misnomer, in practice it is absolutely correct. Max’s behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable.

He is aggressive and demanding in both school environments.

For some reason he recently took a particular dislike to his younger brother and he is constantly teasing and threatening him. Clive and Romaine have quite frequently been called into speak with Max’s headteacher because of his behaviour and in the past year he has been excluded twice for being abusive towards his form teacher and another student.

He is easily led and it is generally considered that he has in his mother’s words “got in with the wrong crowd”. Complaints have been made to the school and to the local authority but notwithstanding the recent diagnosis, little has been done.

Clive and Romaine have found it very hard even to get their son assessed and in reality, they are too tired and too dispirited to fight back and pursue their complaints.

Clearly, Clive and Romaine are under a lot of pressure. At best, Max is surly and uncommunicative. At worst he can be completely out of control.

His parents have to divide their precious time between all three of their children and given his very complex needs, perhaps inevitably, Max does not receive all the help and support that he needs from them, a situation that is made all the worse because of his school’s failings.

Not surprisingly, Clive and Romaine’s relationship is very strained.

They never have any time to themselves and because of the demands placed on them both by their jobs and Max they can go for days at time without communicating properly. They have considered separating and getting divorced but both appreciate that the financial and other consequences would be disastrous for them and their children.

Max would be particularly affected and the reality is that his parents simply cannot afford to separate.

Additionally, Clive and Romaine are both very strongly principled and still love one another. They both take the view that when they got married they made a lifetime commitment and as difficult as their lives are, they have not lost sight of the fact that amongst all the bad times, there have been some very good times. They are especially proud of Marcus who despite having a difficult elder brother to contend with is doing exceptionally well in school and consistently gets very good reports.

The sympathetic Dr Dalziel is very mindful of the Smiths’ circumstances. Following a request from Clive and Romaine for a joint referral for counselling she recommends that they consider seeing a couples counsellor whom she thinks may be able to help them identify some common ground and devise an action plan.

Unfortunately, NHS funding is not available but having agreed to offer the Smiths three one hour sessions at a reduced rate, the counsellor, Josie, makes it abundantly clear that although she is not a lawyer or advisor, there are some non judgemental options that they may care to consider. She suggests they contact a parents’ support group and a benefits advisor, Mr. Moneypenny, who is attached to a local church.

Mr. Moneypenny gives some pointers to Romaine about how to deal with her tax credits problems and to respond to the building society. He also helps her to apply for Disability Living Allowance on Max’s behalf, a benefit that she thought she could not claim because she and Clive are both working (a common misconception).

With these strategies in-place, Josie helps the Smiths to talk through their innumerable concerns and enables them to see that despite all their difficulties, there are a number of positives, not least their commitment to one another and their marriage vows.

She helps them to draw up an informal agreement of their own devising which will help them manage their finances better and keep on top of what they termed “the paperwork and bills”.

Clive and Romaine also feel able to devise some additional strategies so that they can both have a little time to themselves and they jointly resolve to maintain contact with the support group which has agreed to help them resolve their disagreements with Max’s headteacher.

In the course of the sessions with Josie, Clive and Romaine find that for the first time in quite some years they are communicating meaningfully with one another and they reaffirm their commitment to one another.

The immense difficulties that they have had to contend with are only slightly diminished and it cannot be said that they “live happily ever after”. However, they feel they have benefited immensely from Josie’s input and they can face 2017 in a much better frame of mind.

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

Ten Top Tips for Reducing the Financial Pain of Separation and Divorce

Ten Top Tips for Reducing the Financial Pain of Separation and Divorce

financial plan
Mary Waring
Independent Financial Advisor

Everyone wonders what life would be like without enough money.

For people facing up to the reality of divorce or the dissolution of a civil partnership, understanding how the finances will work when they are on their own can feel like one of the biggest worries of all.

Basic maths tells you that running two homes and paying two sets of bills is going to cost more than a single household, and the reality is that many people do find their finances constrained after divorce. That is why it is essential to create a clear financial plan if you are heading towards a separation.

While it is not actually true that divorces peak over Christmas, people do start taking stock over their lives over the festive period.

Research from family law solicitor network Resolution has found that the number of people making online enquiries about family law and separation does spike upwards in January.

Research and planning are crucial if you want to make your divorce as painless as it can possibly be.

Here’s our 10-point checklist for reducing the financial pain of separation.

Don’t rely on your friends for financial and legal help – speak to a professional.

Friends will always tell you what you want to hear, which may not be the truth. Divorce is an incredibly stressful process, but speaking to an expert can lay to rest misconceptions that may have been keeping you up at night, and even stopping you from heading for the door.

For example, it is common to meet women who have spent 20 years looking after the children who do not appreciate that this means they are treated as contributing to the household wealth at an equal rate to the principle breadwinner.

It’s not all about the house – don’t forget about the pension.

The person who will end up doing most of the caring for children, which is usually but not always the wife, often wants one thing above all else – to stay in the family home after divorce.

It can be tempting for the woman to want to keep the house and for the man to want to keep the pension. The roles can be reversed, but the reality is that it is usually this way round. Women should avoid this kind of deal as they will find they have nothing to live on later in retirement.

We are all used to the idea that our home is our biggest asset, but pension benefits can be worth even more.

If one of the parties in a divorce has a final salary pension worth £20,000 a year from retirement, that has an actual cash value of around £600,000, potentially worth more than the family home.

So it is important to factor in the full value of any pension assets into a financial settlement. In England, Wales or Northern Ireland the total value of all pensions built up will fall within the settlement calculation, whereas in Scotland it is only the value of your pension built up while you are married or in your civil partnership.

There are a number of ways pension assets can be recognised in the settlement – through a pension sharing order, where the other party receives a share of the pension, through offsetting the value of the pension against other assets, such as other investments or the value of the house, or through deferred pension sharing, where payments are made from a scheme at a later date when you or your former partner have started receiving the pension payments.

Downsizing – you don’t have to do it just yet, but it may make sense in future.

Many people – particularly women looking after children – find they cannot face the idea of leaving the marital home while the divorce process is ongoing. This desire for a safe and familiar environment at a time of extreme stress is entirely understandable.

But over the longer term this may not be possible. The cost of running a big family home may be too high to fund out of your post-divorce income, and releasing equity by moving somewhere smaller can make a big difference to your overall finances.

You don’t have to cut the cord connecting you to your family home right at the time of the divorce, but you should consider building into your long-term financial plan that you will move six months after the divorce has taken place.

Avoid court proceedings if at all possible.

Unless your ex is completely unreasonable, stubborn and set on having their day in court, do everything you can to avoid aggressive legal proceedings. Taking divorce proceedings to court is a bad idea emotionally, financially and can adversely impact your long-term relationship with your children.

However much you dislike your former partner, it is in your interests to separate on the best terms possible – remember that you will want to be able to feel comfortable going to your child’s graduation ceremony or 21st birthday party years down the line.

What’s more, court documents are public documents, which is why celebrities tend to opt for non-adversarial dispute resolution processes to protect their privacy.

Don’t go rifling through his or her possessions looking for evidence.

Evidence that has been obtained by covert means will not be admissible in the proceedings, so if you find your ex’s key to their secret drawer, there is no point sneaking in and photocopying all of his or her documents.

But it is worth starting asking more questions about financial matters, pensions and other assets if you are getting close to the point where your relationship is about to end.

It is quite common for one party to deal with financial matters, leaving the other party in the dark about what assets and liabilities the household shares. Start finding out what your household outgoings actually are – once you are on your own you will be responsible for all of these.

But do take action if your ex is hiding assets.

If you are worried that your ex is starting to siphon off funds to hide it from the settlement process you can make an emergency application for an emergency injunction to freeze his or her assets.

You need to have started court proceedings to do this, but if you find yourself in this situation it is fair to say it is unlikely that collaboration, mediation or arbitration is going to work for you.

Maximise state tax credits.

The idea of ‘going on benefits’ may not appeal to you, but tax credits are different and lots of people receive them these days.

Child Tax Credit and Working Tax Credit are both designed to assist families with children who are struggling to make ends meet. Neither Child Tax Credit nor Working Tax Credit impact your ability to receive Child Benefit.

The system is complex, but if you have one child and a household income of up to £26,200 then you would be entitled to Child Tax Credit.

With two children you are likely to benefit if you have a household income of up to £32,900. Working Tax Credit is for families on low incomes, and is based on the number of hours worked.

Make sure you don’t pay too much Council Tax

Council Tax is made up of two components – 50 per cent is a property tax and the other half is a personal tax, based on two people living in the property. As soon as your partner moves out, or you move into a property alone, make sure you get your single person discount. This will reduce your bill by 25 per cent.

Rebuild your state pension

Many spouses, usually women, find that they have not built up full entitlement to state pension. To receive the full state pension you need to have worked and paid National Insurance Contributions for a minimum of 35 years, although you do get credit for periods you were not working when you were at home bringing up children under the age of 12.

Up until 2016 it had been possible for a divorcee to rely on their partner’s National Insurance Contributions record for the purposes of calculating state pension entitlement. But changes introduced in April 2016 mean this is no longer possible.

If you are on course to have an incomplete state pension contribution history by the time you retire then it often makes sense to buy extra years through ‘Voluntary National Insurance Contributions’.

These are good value, enabling you to buy around £230 a year for life from state pension age, for a one-off cost of £733. Over a 20-year retirement, that £733 would pay back £4,600.

Invest your settlement carefully

If you have been the financially active party to the relationship, the chances are you will have a clear understanding of how to manage your finances going forward, and crucially, you could well continue to receive regular income through work.

But if you have been staying at home looking after children, things can be very different. While the children are still around your settlement may entitle you to regular maintenance payments from the departed spouse. But once the children leave home you will be reliant on whatever money was agreed in your settlement.

Some people who are unlikely to get a suitable job will find they have to live on their settlement lump sum for the rest of their life. This may look like a large amount of money, but it will have to cover decades of expenditure, so it is important to get advice from a financial planner.

They will help you understand your finances and understand what lifestyle you can afford in the future. A financial planner will do a full lifetime cash flow looking at your future income and spending, and building in assumptions about investment growth, inflation and future taxes.

Based on these inputs and assumptions it will show you whether you’re going to run out of money. If this model shows you are going to run out of cash  you can run “what if” scenarios to see what the impact will be if you work longer than anticipated, downsize or cut your expenditure.

This will give you the knowledge you need to see exactly what you can afford and when.

About Mary

Mary Waring is a Chartered Financial Planner who specialises in advising female clients, particularly women going through a divorce.  She is also an affiliate member of Resolution

Follow Mary – Twitter 

If you are going through divorce or contemplating divorce and would like to discuss your situation please email me at mary@wealthforwomen.biz

(Main photo credit – Jonathan Simcoe)

can I get full custody

Children and Divorce – What You Need to Know about Sole Residency (Full Custody)

Haroop Ahluwalia
Divorce Solicitor
Cordell & Cordell

Making child arrangements can be an extremely difficult issue to tackle when two people are experiencing the ordeal of a separation or divorce.

But when it comes to filing for sole residency, do you know the absolute essentials to help make this critical decision?

We have compiled the essential need-to-knows to assist parents going through a divorce in making that all-important decision about sole residency.

Residency: The Legal Landscape

When it comes to arrangements about children, the preference of both the parents and the courts is often to agree on joint legal residency. However, if an agreement cannot be made amicably between parents, the court may be involved, which will lead to a decision being made on the parents’ behalf.

Child Arrangements

If parents are unable to agree on where the child/children will live and when they’ll spend time with each parent, the next step will be to go through the courts.

A family mediator can also be instrumental in helping a decision and agreement to be made.

What is Sole Residency?

If you consider filing for sole residency, it is crucial to know the different types and what is involved.

Types of Sole Residency

There are two types of sole residency:

  • Sole legal residency –This involves one parent holding complete decision-making authority for the child.
  • Sole physical residency – This involves the child living with one parent, with the other parent receiving visitation rights.

Court Orders

Filing for sole residency will involve filling out the relevant court order.

The type of court order parents will need depends on the exact details of what they have been unable to agree on, and numerous court orders can be applied for at once.

The types of court orders concerning residency arrangements were previously known as ‘residence orders’ and ‘contact orders.’

These have since been replaced by a ‘child arrangements order,’ which decides the following:

  • Where your child will live
  • When your child will spend time with each parent
  • When and what other types of contact will take place, such as phone calls

If parents already have an existing residence or contact order in place, there is no requirement to reapply with a new child arrangements order.

Applying for a Court Order

There are a number of steps to take to apply for a court order:

  • Fill in a C100 court form. Within this form there must be evidence that you have attended a meeting about mediation first. This is exempt in certain circumstances, such as in domestic abuse cases.
  • Send the form to the nearest court dealing with child cases, together with the fee of £215.
  • If you are on a low income or receive benefits, you may be eligible to receive financial help with the fees.

The Court’s Decision

Once your child arrangements order has been received by the court, a directions hearing will be arranged by the court for both parents to attend.

A family court adviser from the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) is likely to be present at the hearing.

If an agreement cannot be made during the first court hearing, this will lead to the judge or magistrate setting a timetable outlining what will happen next.

It is important to remember that the court will make the child’s welfare its absolute first priority, and this will be the deciding factor in determining who will receive sole residency of your child/children.

About Haroop

Haroop Ahluwalia is a London divorce solicitor at Cordell & Cordell.

He has significant experience in both property and family law. The opportunity to work closely with clients, guide them through each step of the divorce process and help level the playing field in the UK divorce courts is why he chose to practise family law exclusively.