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Understanding Parental Rights in the UK
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Understanding Parental Rights in the UK

Akwal Ryatt
Akwal Ryatt
Head of Family Law
Tyler Hoffman Solicitors

Getting divorced can be complicated for couples with children, as decisions must be made regarding where each child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, and other aspects of their care. The matter of parental rights may also come into question, particularly if the parents were not married when the child was born. A father may not automatically have parental responsibility for a child under these circumstances, which can affect their rights during divorce proceedings.

There are important legal and procedural steps that parents should take during divorce proceedings to preserve their role in their child’s life, and to maintain the ability to make decisions about their care, their living arrangements and other important aspects of their life. These rights do not automatically change due to divorce, but the court may become involved if there is a dispute about how they are exercised, and it is important to protect yourself.

Here, the experienced divorce solicitors at Tyler Hoffman explain how parental responsibility is established, how it affects the rights of each parent during a divorce and how to secure a Child Arrangements Order.

What is parental responsibility?

‘Parental responsibility’ refers to the legal rights, duties, powers and authority a parent has for a child. It includes the right to make decisions about education, religion, medical treatment and day-to-day care. A child’s birth mother will have parental responsibility automatically, and any Parental Responsibility Orders issued by the court will name any other people who have a say in these decisions.

A father’s legal rights generally depend on whether he has parental responsibility, which can be crucial when making child arrangements during the divorce process. A father automatically has parental responsibility if he was married to the child’s mother at the time of birth or subsequently, or if he is listed on the birth certificate (for children born after 1 December 2003 in England and Wales). You should speak to experienced paternity lawyers about whether you have parental responsibility if you have any concerns. Adoptive or foster parents may also have this responsibility, although it can be worthwhile to confirm this with a solicitor.

If either party does not have parental responsibility, they apply to the court for it using a Parental Responsibility Order or by entering into a Parental Responsibility Agreement with the child’s birth mother.

What is the role of a Child Arrangements Order?

A Child Arrangements Order is a legally binding court order that outlines how a child’s care will be structured following a divorce or separation. It becomes necessary if parents cannot reach an informal agreement (such as a Parenting Plan) about how child care arrangements will be managed. The order offers a legally binding decision on:

  • Residency: where and with whom the child will live
  • Contact: when and how they see the other parent
  • Whether a shared care arrangement is appropriate.

Either parent can apply to the court to put an order in place, and guardians or others with parental responsibility may also be able to apply, although certain parties will need permission from the court before they can apply for a Child Arrangements Order.

You may also need to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before the family court will consider a Child Arrangements Order. A MIAM is an opportunity to resolve the issue without involving the court, and can help the parties in a divorce to reach an informal resolution. However, if mediation doesn’t work or is not suitable, either parent can apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order.

This will usually result in court hearings where a judge can review evidence from both parties and make a decision on final arrangements. An officer from the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service may conduct safeguarding checks and recommend arrangements based on the child’s welfare. The court makes decisions based on what it believes will be best for the child, including their wishes and feelings, the impact of any changes in circumstances and which parent is most able to meet their practical, emotional and educational needs.

Parents can also apply for a Specific Issue Order to resolve a particular dispute, or a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent the other parent from taking certain actions without permission. This is often used in cases where one parent decides to relocate, or if there is a dispute about schooling.

What does a Child Arrangements Order mean for parental rights?

Unlike an informal agreement, a Child Arrangements Order can be enforced by the court, which gives parents a degree of additional protection and ensures that the agreement remains in place. If one parent breaches the order, the other can apply to the court to enforce it. In response, the court can impose penalties, including warnings, enforcement orders (including unpaid work orders) and the need to pay compensation for financial losses.

While there is a risk in letting the court decide, courts generally support regular, meaningful contact with both parents unless there is clear evidence that such contact would harm the child. Speak to an experienced family law solicitor for guidance on navigating this process, and make sure to keep records of all contact and communication with other parties involved in the divorce to give yourself the best chance of a favourable outcome from any legal process.

About Akwal Ryatt

Akwal Ryatt is the head of Family Law at Tyler Hoffman Solicitors, and is an accomplished Chartered Legal Executive with an extensive career spanning over 28 years. With a compassionate approach, Akwal is characterised by her profound expertise in family law areas including divorce, separations, Child Arrangement Orders, Financial Remedy Orders and more.

Common Financial Mistakes to Avoid During and After Divorce
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Common Financial Mistakes to Avoid During and After Divorce

Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

The fear of starting all over again and all the financial worry that can bring with it can understandably have a profound effect on many people going through divorce or separation.

This fear can be particularly acute for those who have not had to deal with financial practicalities such as tax, standing orders and direct debits during their relationship.

If you are going through divorce or contemplating it and are concerned about future finances, this article will help to keep you on the right financial track throughout your divorce and beyond.

Be Open and Honest

Not sharing financial information during a relationship can contribute to problems during divorce proceedings.

One spouse may have no idea where the budget line is – or even where it should be drawn – and may have unrealistic expectations of what they are entitled to, or what is a realistic and affordable.

One spouse may have hidden savings or income from the other or scrutinised the other’s spending without being transparent about their own. On divorce, there is nowhere to hide. It is fundamental that both spouses fully and frankly disclose everything they have to each other as a starting point for an informed negotiation.

The Importance of Financial Disclosure

In every divorce, separating couples must provide to the other full details of their assets, income, pension and liabilities.   This is known as financial disclosure.

Financial disclosure ensures that both spouses can make fully informed decisions about what they consider to be a fair settlement. A failure to disclose anything material to the settlement can in some cases lead to an agreement being set aside. Lawyers and judges know every trick in the book and will ask questions if they suspect that money has been concealed. They may even employ forensic accountants to track down missing assets.

Don’t be tempted to hide money in offshore banks. These still have to be disclosed.  If you do not provide everything that is necessary to understand the financial position, family courts have the power to question your accountant, your financial advisor and even your bank manager.

Setting up a new business shortly before separation may well be seen as suspicious or even a deliberate attempt to hide assets.  Taking steps designed to put money beyond the reach of your spouse could lead to injunctions being made against you, freezing assets, or ordering the return of monies from third parties.  In the long run, actions such as these are highly unlikely to succeed and will almost certainly damage your credibility in the eyes of the court.

The Penalties of Concealing Assets

If it later comes to light that you have withheld material financial information during the financial disclosure process, your spouse might be able to ask the court to set aside the Financial Consent Order and relook at what would be a fair order – taking into account all the assets, including those not previously disclosed.

The court can also make an order that you pay your ex’s legal costs. In the worst-case scenario, deliberately withholding financial information in breach of a court order can amount to a contempt of court for which a range of penalties (including ultimately imprisonment) could be imposed.

Include Pensions in Financial Settlements

Frequently overlooked in financial settlements, pensions are frequently one of the most valuable assets of a marriage. They often make up the second highest- value asset in a divorce settlement after the family home – or sometimes the highest.

It is key that information about pensions is made available in the financial disclosure process which must include details of all pensions, including state pensions – and the value of each one.

The most common way in which a disparity in pensions is addressed in a divorce settlement is pension sharing.  Pension sharing splits the pensions immediately and provides a clean break

As an alternative, in some cases ex-spouses prefer to take a greater share of the equity in the family home or other capital, as a trade-off for a share of the other’s pension.

Some divorces may involve several pension arrangements so it is important to consider which arrangements should be shared, and to what extent.  Pensions are complex and, save in very straightforward cases with pensions of limited value, it is important to get specialist advice about them before agreeing a settlement.

The pension share may be internal (when the recipient becomes a member of the scheme) or external when the share must be invested in an existing or new arrangement of the receiving party. Care should be taken to obtain details of the cost of any transfer.

In deciding what is best for them, the couple need to consider how their respective financial needs will be met and what other assets are available for distribution.

Consider Financial Planning

It can be helpful to have financial advice during settlement negotiations.  Many financial advisers use cashflow modelling, which can be a valuable way of how different settlement options might pan out in the future. In processes such as collaborative practice or mediation, it is quite common to bring a financial adviser into the process as a neutral to help the discussions.  Further financial advice can then be taken on an individual basis when settlement terms are clear.

Get a formal Financial Order

Once a financial settlement is agreed, it is almost always best for the terms agreed to be made final and binding in a court order. This is a legally binding document which details the main assets owned by divorcing couples and sets out the financial arrangements agreed between them. The terms of an order are binding and can be enforced through the courts if there are any problems putting those terms into effect.

It is important to understand that the divorce process itself does not dismiss financial claims which  can be pursued many years after the divorce has been finalised provided the person bringing the application has not remarried. Putting off the conversation at the time of separation can sometimes just be kicking the can down the road.

Try to avoid exceeding your budget

I am not a financial adviser, but these are some pointers which might be useful to think about:

  1. Create a ‘to do’ list of all things financial (bills etc) and an aspirational list to set goals for enjoyable things such as treats and breaks
  2. Consider having two bank accounts – one for day-to-day expenses for the house, food, car and associated expenses, direct debits, standing orders and credit card payment. The second is for setting aside some savings for exceptional expenses such non-essential clothing, holidays, and house repairs.
  3. Set out the absolute and exact payments needed every month for your house and family
  4. Know when your maintenance payments arrive and budget accordingly. Ensure standing orders don’t go out before your monthly payments are due in
  5. Apply to your Council for a 25% council tax discount. The concession applies if you are on your own or have younger children
  6. Expand your support network if you’re on your own or have children. Now is an ideal time as the country emerges from lockdown
  7. Take professional advice on preparing and budgeting for your own retirement
  8. Make a will. If you have a pension or life assurance, ensure it includes your chosen beneficiaries and is updated. Review it every few years.
  9. Stay healthy in body and spirit – try new things. You could also consider engaging a life or Divorce coach who specialises in helping people in your situation prepare for their new future

Spousal Maintenance and Child Maintenance

Remember that Spousal Maintenance will usually be paid for a period of time to enable you to adjust to financial independence or when your financial needs are reduced, for example, when your children finish school or university, or leave home.

Be aware that your spousal maintenance will stop if you remarry or enter into a civil partnership or if either of you dies. It could also be affected if you meet a new partner and move in together

It is also important to plan for when child maintenance – which is mandatory for both parents for children under sixteen and youngsters under twenty who are still in full time education – comes to an end.

As part of our holistic approach, Jones Myers advises and guides our clients through the stages of divorce during and after their divorce.

A champion of non-confrontational divorce and resolving issues in a spirit of collaboration and cooperation, our extensive expertise includes alternative to avoid courts which include mediation and collaborative family law.

Our pre-divorce and post- divorce support includes helping them to stay on the right financial track as they embark on the next chapter of their lives.

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

About Nicki Mitchell

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled Mediator, Child Inclusive Mediator and Collaborative Family Lawyer, Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns.

Direct Dial: 01904 202553 or email  Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk. Website: www.jonesmyers.co.uk

Divorce Done Right: How a Calm Mind Leads to a Fair Resolution
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Divorce Done Right: How a Calm Mind Leads to a Fair Resolution

Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Sponsored post by Fair Result.

The Role of Emotions in Divorce

Divorce can be one of the most emotionally challenging experiences you can ever face. When emotions run high, they can cloud judgment and lead to decisions that are not in your best interest. Heightened emotions such as anger, sadness, and frustration can result in poor decision-making, causing people to act impulsively or spitefully. This can prolong divorce proceedings and increase costs, as conflicts and disagreements escalate. Understanding the role of emotions in divorce is crucial to navigating the process effectively.

Why Heightened Emotions Can Lead to Poor Decision-Making

When emotions are in control, rational thought often takes a back seat. Anger can drive individuals to make vindictive choices, leading to prolonged legal battles that are both financially and emotionally draining. Stress can cause individuals to agree to unfavourable terms simply to expedite the process, resulting in long-term regret. Alternatively dragging out the process for very little gain is not productive either. Recognising these pitfalls is the first step toward a more successful divorce process. Contact the team at Fair Result and right from the outset we will try and help with the emotional stress you are going through. All out clients’ have a personalised WhatsApp link to the team dealing with your case who are contactable every day you need us. In addition, our fixed fee price shared with you right at the start of your case will remain fixed no matter how long your case takes to resolve and should give you peace of mind that you are not getting charged for every phone call, email, or text dealing with your case.

How Stress and Anger Can Prolong Proceedings and Increase Costs

Stress and anger fuel conflict, which in turn extends the duration of divorce proceedings. The more contentious the divorce, the more time and money are spent on legal fees, court appearances, and negotiations. By allowing these emotions to dictate actions, individuals may find themselves trapped in a cycle of hostility and expense. It is therefore essential to approach divorce with a calm and strategic mindset to avoid unnecessary delays and costs. At Fair Result, we focus on what you want to achieve and work hard to get this for you.

The Benefits of a Calm & Strategic Approach

Maintaining a clear and rational mindset during a divorce can lead to more favourable outcomes, both financially and emotionally. When individuals can manage their emotions and think strategically, they are better equipped to make decisions that align with their long-term goals.

How a Clear Mindset Leads to Better Financial Settlements

A calm and clear mindset allows individuals to focus on what truly matters in their divorce settlement. By prioritising financial stability and fair division of assets, individuals can avoid the pitfalls of emotionally driven decisions. This approach often leads to more equitable financial settlements that provide long-term security for both parties. Being bitter over what has happened will not impact on the financial distribution in your case, so don’t let it cloud your judgment.

Why Courts Favour Reasonable, Amicable Negotiations Over Conflict-Driven Cases

Courts tend to favour divorces that are resolved through reasonable and amicable negotiations. Judges are more likely to approve settlements that demonstrate cooperation and mutual respect. Conflict-driven cases, on the other hand, can result in court-imposed decisions that may not be in the best interest of either party. By approaching divorce with a calm and strategic mindset, individuals can present a more favourable case to the court.

Real-Life Examples of How a Level-Headed Approach Resulted in Fairer Outcomes

Consider the case of Jane and John and we represented Jane the applicant wife, who approached their divorce with a calm and strategic mindset. Instead of engaging in heated arguments, they focussed on open communication and mutual understanding. By working together, they were able to reach a fair settlement that provided financial stability for both parties and minimised emotional stress for their children. Their experience highlights the benefits of maintaining a level-headed approach during divorce proceedings. If we can work with both parties who are prepared to negotiate calmly and sensibly, a faster quicker cheaper outcome is swiftly achieved for both parties.

Practical Strategies for Staying Calm & Focussed

Maintaining a calm and focussed mindset during a divorce requires deliberate effort and the implementation of practical strategies. By seeking professional guidance, engaging in mediation, and practicing mindfulness, individuals can navigate the divorce process more effectively. We have a team of counsellors we can pair you up with if you feel this would help.

The Importance of Seeking Professional Guidance Early

Early professional guidance can provide individuals with the information and support they need to make informed decisions. Legal advisors, financial planners, and therapists can offer valuable insights and help individuals develop a strategic approach to their divorce. By seeking expert advice early on, individuals can avoid common pitfalls and set the stage for a smoother process.

How Mediation Can Ease Tensions and Encourage Fair Resolutions

Mediation is a valuable tool for resolving disputes amicably. A neutral mediator facilitates discussions between parties, helping them reach mutually beneficial agreements. Mediation can ease tensions, reduce conflict, and encourage fair resolutions, making it an effective alternative to traditional litigation.

Mindfulness and Stress Management Techniques During the Divorce Process

Practicing mindfulness and stress management techniques can help individuals stay calm and focussed during their divorce. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and regular exercise can reduce stress and improve emotional regulation. By incorporating these practices into their daily routine, individuals can better manage their emotions and approach divorce with a clear mind.

How Fair Result Helps Clients Achieve Fair Outcomes

Fair Result offers a unique approach to supporting clients through the divorce process. By prioritising clarity, reducing financial stress, and providing quick guidance, Fair Result helps clients achieve fair outcomes. The fixed fee and WhatsApp group also helps. Get in touch as soon as you are ready, and we can talk you through our way of working to give you the best possible outcome.

The Unique Approach Fair Result Takes to Support Clients in Maintaining Clarity

Fair Result’s approach emphasises the importance of maintaining clarity and focus. Their expert team provides personalised support and strategic advice, helping clients navigate the complexities of divorce with confidence. By fostering a calm and rational mindset, Fair Result enables clients to make informed decisions that align with their long-term goals.

How Fair Result’s Fixed-Fee Structure Reduces Financial Stress

One of the key features of Fair Result’s service is their fixed-fee structure, which eliminates the uncertainty of hourly legal fees. This approach reduces financial stress and allows clients to budget more effectively. By providing transparent and predictable pricing, Fair Result ensures that clients can focus on achieving a fair settlement without the burden of unexpected costs.

The WhatsApp Service as a Way for Clients to Get Quick Guidance & Reassurance

Fair Result offers a convenient WhatsApp service that allows clients to receive quick guidance and reassurance. This service provides immediate access to expert advice, helping clients stay informed and confident throughout the divorce process. By offering timely support, Fair Result helps clients maintain a calm and focussed mindset.

If you are currently going through a divorce or considering one, reach out to the Fair Result team for a no-obligation consultation. Discover how Fair Result’s expert-led, fixed-fee approach can make your divorce smoother and more manageable. Download the Guide to Divorce for additional support and start your journey towards a fair and amicable resolution.

Get in Touch

Call us at 07 500 933 818 or 0333 577 7009

Email peter@fair-result.co.uk or chris@fair-result.co.uk

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent
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Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent

Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

If you and your ex will co-parent your child, you’ll be in regular communication to make it happen. That means you’ll need to find new ways to speak and work together.

At least one of you will have to make big decisions for your child: where they’ll go to school, how their special needs will be supported, which religion to raise them in, and whether to pursue a complex medical treatment. Some co-parents make these kinds of decisions together. Even if you don’t, one of you will have to inform the other of the big rules that guide your child’s life.

You and your ex will also coordinate exactly when and where you’ll exchange your child, and you’ll have to notify each other if you’re running late. You’ll pass on minor details like whether your kid already ate dessert or argued with a friend.

So, even as you envision a new life apart from your ex, stay realistic about your future need to talk to them. Though you’ll no longer be spouses, you’ll have important roles in each other’s lives.

Talking with Your Ex During the Divorce Process

A split can be so emotionally painful that it’s hard to keep open lines of communication. The hurt that one of you caused the other, or that both of you caused each other, is real. Nevertheless, for parents, it’s crucial to keep talking for your child’s sake.

Ideally, both of you should try to give your child as much stability as possible until the court can order a child arrangement, which means agreeing to a parenting routine and sticking to it civilly (rather than yanking the child back and forth and arguing in front of them).

You’ll also benefit from negotiating productively so you can get a fair outcome for your child and for yourselves. In the UK, parents may use mediation, collaborative practice or arbitration to help them reach decisions out of court.

Keeping open lines of communication doesn’t mean you have to pick up the phone at any hour of the night, respond to excessive text messages, or tolerate disrespectful emails. Nor does it mean you have to tell absolutely everything to your ex or allow them to micromanage your parenting time. You each deserve some privacy and autonomy.

In fact, communicating well as co-parents involves respecting each other’s limits. It’s a great idea to explicitly set boundaries with your ex. Do your part to obey the limits in good faith, and apologise when you make a mistake. Thank your co-parent for respecting your boundaries, and calmly hold them accountable when they don’t.

Rebuilding Your Co-Parenting Dynamic for Your Child’s Sake

It’s widely recognised that it’s in a child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. Sometimes there’s a reason to exclude one parent from the child’s life, but apart from situations of parental abuse or neglect, children generally benefit from meaningful, frequent contact with both parents.

In the UK, it’s common for courts to order shared parenting, meaning that the court divides parenting time close to equally. You’ll have to follow the order, and that will entail working together with your former spouse.

While some exes remain amicable and genuinely appreciate knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives, others insist on limiting conversations to matters involving their child. If one of you wants minimal interaction, the other has to accept reality and learn to let go.

And while spouses may have once enjoyed regular contact with each other’s family members and friends, most divorcing people find that those mutual connections decrease and eventually disappear. An exception would be if one of those adults is a carer for their child.

To help grant each other a sense of freedom and privacy, some co-parents agree to use only a designated messaging app with each other. Or they may agree to refrain from mentioning each other on social media.

Divorce is no easy road, but starting today, you can strive to build a good life for yourself and your child. By putting your best foot forward and interacting in good faith with your ex, you form a new co-parenting dynamic. What you do today leads to a better tomorrow.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

5 Common Myths About Financial Settlements in Divorce
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5 Common Myths About Financial Settlements in Divorce

Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Sponsored post by Fair Result.

Financial settlements in divorce refer to the process by which a couple’s joint assets and finances are divided upon the dissolution of their marriage. This often complex and emotionally charged process aims to ensure that both parties receive a fair share of the marital assets. However, numerous divorce myths and misconceptions surrounding financial settlements can lead to misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations.

Believing these myths can be risky and may result in unfavourable outcomes. Therefore, it is crucial to separate fact from fiction to navigate the financial aspects of divorce more effectively. More importantly contact a specialist lawyer or financial accountant at Fair Result who will advise you the best ways to deal with financial separation on divorce.

Myths to Debunk

Myth 1: “Everything is split 50/50 in a divorce”

A common misconception is that marital assets are automatically divided equally between spouses in a divorce. The division of assets is based on what is deemed fair and just, which does not necessarily mean a 50/50 split. Courts consider various factors, such as the length of the marriage, each spouse’s financial contributions, future earning potential, and the needs of any children involved. The goal is to achieve an equitable distribution, which may result in one party receiving a larger share of the assets. The courts will also often look at spousal maintenance. There has long been a misconception that spousal maintenance will always be paid. This spousal maintenance misconception is wrong and maintenance will only be paid for as long as it is necessary to allow the party receiving it to adjust to single living again.

Myth 2: “The higher-earning spouse always pays spousal maintenance”

Another prevalent myth is that the spouse who earns more money will always be required to pay spousal maintenance to the lower-earning spouse. While the higher-earning spouse may be ordered to provide financial support, this is not a given. Courts consider multiple factors when determining maintenance, including the length of the marriage, the standard of living during the marriage, and each spouse’s financial resources and needs. In some cases, no maintenance may be awarded if both parties are deemed capable of supporting themselves.

Myth 3: “You can hide assets to avoid sharing them”

Some individuals believe they can conceal assets to prevent them from being included in the financial settlement. However, this is both illegal and unethical. Courts require full financial disclosure from both parties at the outset on a disclosure form known as Form E, and failure to disclose all assets can result in severe legal consequences. Methods of hiding assets, such as transferring money to friends or family or undervaluing property, are likely to be uncovered during this process. If hidden assets are discovered, the court may impose penalties, and the guilty party could face criminal charges.

Myth 4: “The parent with custody gets the house”

It is often assumed that the parent who receives primary custody of the children will automatically be awarded the family home. While the needs of the children are a significant consideration, the decision to award the house is based on various factors. Courts will evaluate each party’s financial situation, the ability to maintain the home, and the best interests of the children. In some cases, the house may be sold, and the proceeds divided, or the custodial parent may be allowed to stay in the home until the children reach a certain age. This is known as a Mescher Order, and you will need advice from a lawyer to obtain this as property division in divorce is complex to ensure each parties needs are met with the courts first priority being to ensure the children of the marriage are safely housed.

Myth 5: “You need to go to court to finalise a settlement”

Many people believe that financial settlements can only be resolved through a court process. However, there are alternative methods to resolve financial disputes that can be less stressful and more cost-effective. Mediation and collaborative divorce are two popular alternatives where both parties work together with the help of a neutral third party to reach an agreement. These methods allow for more control over the outcome and can often result in a quicker and more amicable resolution. However, even if mediators are used you will still need to get a lawyer to draft the financial consent order for approval by the court.  if you use a mediator that is not a qualified lawyer you will still need the lawyer to submit the consent order and supporting documentation to the government portal for approval by a judge. You do not need to attend court for this. The online process will deal with this for you.

Addressing Common Questions

What are the most common misconceptions people have about financial settlements?

The divorce myths mentioned above are among the most common misconceptions in financial disclosure on divorce. Additionally, people may believe that only marital assets are subject to division (when, in fact, non-marital assets can sometimes be considered) or that prenuptial agreements are always upheld without question.

How do courts determine a fair settlement?

Courts determine a fair settlement by considering several factors, including the length of the marriage, each spouse’s contributions, both financial and non-financial, the standard of living during the marriage, and the future financial needs and earning potential of each spouse. The primary goal is to ensure that both parties can maintain a reasonable standard of living post-divorce.

What legal requirements are involved in disclosing assets?

Both parties are legally required to provide full and frank disclosure of all assets, liabilities, income, and expenses. This information is typically exchanged through financial statements Form E and supporting documentation including payslips bank statements and details of properties you feel would be suitable for your post-divorce settlement. Failure to disclose assets can lead to serious legal repercussions, including fines, penalties, or having the settlement overturned. Fair Result can help you complete all this paperwork

Are there alternatives to court for resolving financial disputes?

Yes, alternatives to court include mediation, collaborative divorce, and arbitration. These methods involve working with neutral third parties to reach an agreement outside of the traditional court setting. They can be less adversarial and more efficient, allowing couples to maintain greater control over the outcome.

What are the consequences of believing or acting on these myths?

Believing or acting on divorce myths about financial settlements can lead to unrealistic expectations, prolonged disputes, and unfavourable outcomes. Misconceptions can result in unnecessary stress, increased legal costs, and potential legal penalties for unethical behaviour such as hiding assets which could ultimately lead to prison. It is always best to have all your divorce myths dispelled and get legal advice about the best way to proceed from one of the team at Fair Result.

Conclusion

Understanding the realities of financial settlements in divorce is crucial for making informed decisions and achieving a fair outcome. By debunking common myths, individuals can better navigate the complexities of divorce and avoid common pitfalls. For expert advice and guidance, readers are encouraged to contact Fair Result or use our WhatsApp service. Each client receives their own WhatsApp group where they can ask questions of the team at Fair Result anytime if they have questions or concerns over their case.  Navigating divorce with accurate information and professional support can make a significant difference in achieving a fair and amicable resolution.

Get in Touch

Call us at 07 500 933 818 or 0333 577 7009

Email peter@fair-result.co.uk or chris@fair-result.co.uk

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

Grandparents' Rights: What Happens When Your Grandchildren's Parents Divorce?
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Grandparents’ Rights: What Happens When Your Grandchildren’s Parents Divorce?

Rina Mistry
Rina Mistry
Senior Associate & Solicitor
Nelsons Solicitors

When two parents decide to divorce, there is of course a ripple effect on other members of the family, including children and grandparents. Rina Mistry, senior associate specialising in family law at leading East Midlands law firm Nelsons discusses the legal rights of grandparents, and the challenges that can come up during a parental divorce.

Grandparents play an important role in their grandchildren’s lives – they often act as secondary guardians, they may be involved in special occasions like birthdays and family events, and they can be a link to a grandchild’s traditional culture or religion.

Separation and divorce in any family is an unsettling and uncertain time, with potentially new living arrangements and changes to routines for children and other relatives.

There is often an assumption that grandparents have automatic rights to see their grandchildren, when unfortunately, this is not the case. The law does not give grandparents (maternal or paternal) any automatic rights to be in their grandchild’s lives. This means that if parents choose to keep their children away from grandparents, they are free to do so. This can have a significant impact on the grandparent-grandchild relationship.

Challenges

Grandparents may face a number of hurdles when navigating their grandchildren’s parents’ divorce. Communication may become more challenging, particularly between ex-spouses, which can make it hard to keep contact with grandchildren – especially those that are very young.

In more serious situations, there can be the issue of parental alienation – usually this happens when one parent intentionally tries to damage the relationship between the other parent and the children by speaking badly about them or enforcing negative views. This can also happen with grandparents, which can be traumatic for grandchildren who may have had a close bond previously.

Talking it out

Despite not having automatic rights, grandparents still have options available to them. The first and usually the most effective is to try resolving all issues between the adults, whether it is directly or via the mediation process.

The situation can vary from case to case; it may be that the relationship between the adults has broken down or the grandparents are concerned for the children, and in an attempt to intervene they are denied any further time with the grandchild.

If legal advice is needed, grandparents will always be asked whether or not they have attempted to speak with the parents of the child to try and resolve the issues and further consideration will be applied as to whether correspondence from solicitors may assist to resolve the issues amicably.

If an agreement cannot be reached and a referral to mediation has not yet been made, this will be the next step. Mediation is not only a better option to try and resolve the issues but also far more cost-effective than making an application to Court. Compulsory attendance will be needed at a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM). There are exemptions available, for example if the grandchild is at significant risk of harm, but in most cases, the Court will expect grandparents to attempt to resolve issues through mediation. 

Court application

If mediation is considered inappropriate or is refused by the other party, then the only available option is making a formal application to Court to resolve the child arrangements. This is the last option most solicitors would advise, however, this may be the only available option if all else has failed.

As grandparents hold no parental responsibility, they will need to first ask the Court for permission before being able to make an application for a Child Arrangements Order. If the Court grants permission, then a formal application for a Child Arrangements Order can proceed. However, if the Court does not grant permission, progress would go no further.

Like all applications, the Court will consider each matter individually but must take into account the following:

  • The nature of the application
  • The applicant’s connection with the child
  • Any risk of the proposed application disrupting the child’s life to the extent that they would be harmed by it.

If Court is the only option available, then it is highly recommended that you seek independent legal advice regarding your position and next steps.

Maintaining relationships

Whatever course of action is taken, respectful communication is highly encouraged throughout the process between not only parents but all family members. Not only does this support a more efficient process, but it limits the emotional impact on children and paves the way for better relationships in the future.

Grandparents should take the same approach to not speak negatively about either parent in front of their grandchildren and instead look to focus on their best interests and ensuring they feel cared for and supported.

For more information on grandparents’ rights during a parental divorce, please contact the expert family law team at Nelsons, by visiting www.nelsonslaw.co.uk/personal-legal-services/family-law-solicitors/children-law

About Rina Mistry

Rina Mistry is a Senior Associate in Nelsons’ expert Family Law team, specialising in complex Private Children Law and focusing on several niche areas. These include parental alienation, cross-border jurisdictional disputes, and cases involving serious allegations of harm. She also handles matters related to internal and external relocation, whether temporary or permanent and international child abduction. Additionally, Rina is experienced in private children matters where a child or parent is neurodiverse, surrogacy, applications on behalf of grandparents, and same-sex parenting cases.

Rina takes a client-focussed approach and aims to achieve the best possible outcome for all her clients, considering and tailoring her advice to each individual set of circumstances, whilst always ensuring that the children’s best interests remain at the forefront.  Rina can support her clients in direct negotiations concerning arrangements, issuing a Court application or using alternative dispute resolution, such as mediation or arbitration.

Alongside children-related matters, Rina is also experienced in advising on all matters arising out of divorce and separation.

Why it is Vital to Include Pensions in Divorce Settlements in 2025
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Why it is Vital to Include Pensions in Divorce Settlements in 2025

Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

Sponsored post by Jones Myers. I cannot underestimate the critical role that pensions play in financial settlements as the volume of  divorce enquiries I am receiving increases this January.

Their importance has been further reinforced by New Year calculations from online investment service Interactive Investor, whose financial analysts say that spouses could lose up to £665k by overlooking pensions and failing to take them into account in divorce settlements.

Pensions are frequently one of the most valuable assets of a marriage, often making up the second highest – or sometimes the highest – value asset in a divorce settlement after the family home.

It is key that information about pensions is made available in the financial disclosure process, which must take place before any binding financial settlement can be made.

Disclosure must include details of all pensions, including state pensions – and the value of each one. This ensures that couples are able to make informed decisions as to what a fair settlement looks like for them

The most common way in which a disparity in pensions is addressed in a divorce settlement is pension sharing which provides a clean break between parties, as the pension assets are split immediately.

Alternatively, in some cases ex-spouses prefer to take a greater share of the equity in the family home or other capital, as a trade-off for a share of the other’s pension.

Some divorces may involve several pension arrangements so it is important to consider which arrangements should be shared, and to what extent.

The pension share may be internal (when the recipient becomes a member of the scheme) or external when the share must be invested in an existing or new arrangement of the receiving party. Care should be taken to obtain details of the cost of any transfer.

In deciding what is best for them, the couple need to consider how their respective financial needs will be met  and what other assets are available for distribution.

Alternative and non-confrontational ways for divorcing couples to reach a financial settlement without a lengthy and expensive court process include Mediation and Collaborative Family Law.

Both options – in which I have extensive expertise – are conducted in a spirit of mutual co-operation and put children’s best interest first.

At Jones Myers we always recommend that divorcing couples seek expert advice from highly experienced lawyers regarding their finances. Independent Financial Advisers can assist with pension valuations and projected future incomes.

Taking guidance early on will avoid the risk of losing out on what could be a substantial pension sharing provision that spouses are entitled to – and which can prevent long-term financial issues.

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

About Nicki Mitchell

With three decades experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled mediator, child inclusive mediator and collaborative family lawyer Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns. Direct Dial: 01904 202553 or email  Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk  www.jonesmyers.co.uk

Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance: Understanding the Differences
Photo by Dimitri Karastelev on Unsplash
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Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance: Understanding the Differences

Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers Family Law

Sponsored article by Jones Myers Family Law.

In the countdown to the festive season, concerns over finances can understandably escalate – especially for those divorcing and separating who have children but do not have their own income streams.

The aim of this article is to provide key insights into Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance.

While they are often believed to be inextricably linked, they are two very distinct issues.

Child Maintenance Support

How do divorcing/separating couples work out Child Maintenance?

Child Maintenance is something which needs to be considered whenever separating couples have children, regardless of whether they were married or not and whatever their financial circumstances.

The Child Maintenance Service (CMS), a stand-alone government body,  provides a formula for parents to calculate child support.

Most separated couples will use the formula as a basis for agreeing the level of child support to be paid and make informal arrangements for this to be paid directly.

Divorcing couples have the option of including their agreement on child support in the order (often known as a consent order) which sets out their agreement as to how their assets, debts, pensions etc will be divided.

Which parent is responsible for paying the support?

The parent with whom the children spend less time will be responsible for paying child support to the other parent.  Where the children’s time and the child care responsibilities are shared equally between the parents then no child support is usually payable.

If there is any dispute between the parents about whether this is the case then the CMS will generally assume the primary carer to be the parent who receives Child Benefit and assess child support accordingly.

For how long does Child Maintenance continue?

The paying parent is obligated to provide child maintenance until the child completes “qualifying education” which is generally full-time secondary education but can include other forms of ongoing study such as some apprenticeships. No child support is payable after the child attains the age of twenty.

What happens if parents cannot agree on the level of support?

If the parents are unable to agree then either one of them can make an application the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) for a calculation.

The CMS will calculate the support payable using a six-step process.

The various stages include determining the paying parent’s yearly gross income. The relevant parent usually provides this. However, the CMS can obtain the information from HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) if the parents do not supply this.

Factors, such as pensions and school fees, which could change the paying parent’s financial situation, are also assessed before converting the yearly gross income into a weekly figure.

Key criteria the calculator draws on includes the number of children receiving the income and the level of what is called ‘shared care.’ This is based on how much time the child/children of the paying parent spends with them and includes overnight stays.

What happens if the paying parent loses their job?

Either parent can let the CMS know of a change in circumstance. The Agency will then re-evaluate and reduce the level of support the paying parent needs to provide based on the calculator system.

What happens if the paying parent refuses to pay?

The receiving parent can contact the CMS which would then take appropriate enforcement measures such as applying for a court order to take legal action.

What happens if the paying parent dies during the support period?

CMS payments would cease on the death of the paying parent. State benefits, such as Universal Credit, may be available to the surviving parent, depending on their circumstances at the time.

Are there any other options besides the CMS for parents to agree Child Maintenance?   

Agreements between parents can be negotiated with support from experienced family law experts such as Jones Myers.

Our specialist services include mediation, a non-confrontational option for parents to reach a solution in a spirit of co-operation which puts their children’s best interests first.

As a qualified Mediator and Child Inclusive Mediator I regularly see at first hand the  benefits of the mediation process for parents, children and the wider family.

Spousal Maintenance

Divorce does not automatically bring an end to the financial obligations between divorcing and separating couples.

Significant income disparities between spouses may require ongoing financial support to prevent undue hardship, especially when considering the well-being of any children involved.

What is Spousal Maintenance?

Spousal Maintenance is a payment made by one party to the other as part of the financial settlement on their divorce or separation.

Usually, it is paid every month and can last for either a defined period or, in increasingly rare cases, until one of the former spouses dies.

Spousal Maintenance is different from Child Maintenance, which is statutory. It is not an automatic  entitlement and only applies to divorcing couples.

How is the amount and duration agreed?

There is no set formula for working out Spousal Maintenance payments. How much is paid and for how long can be settled through mutual agreement between a spouse and their ex during divorce proceedings.

Information is exchanged about each spouse’s income and their monthly outgoings. If one spouse has insufficient income to meet their needs and the other can afford to make up or contribute to that shortfall then Spousal Maintenance may be appropriate.

Interim Spousal Maintenance can be agreed or ordered in the initial stages of separation to ensure that the spouse who is weaker financially can manage their basic monthly outgoings.

Does getting Spousal Maintenance involve going to Court? 

If the couple are unable to come to a mutual agreement, the Court can decide whether Spousal Maintenance should be paid.

In every case the Court must consider the possibility of a Clean Break Order – which severs all financial ties between the couple.

If a Clean Break Order is not appropriate immediately, the court will order what the Judge considers to be a reasonable level  of Spousal Maintenance – and for how long this must be paid.

The court will have before it detailed information about the income available and each party’s income needs. Spousal Maintenance is usually only ordered for a fixed period of time, long enough to enable an adjustment to independence.

How can couples reach a solution without going to court?  

More couples are turning to non-confrontational options, which allow them to retain control of decisions which affect them, put their children’s best interests first and avoid costly and destructive court battles.

They include negotiation, mediation or collaborative practice where couples and their lawyers commit to find a positive solution without going to court and sign a binding agreement to that effect. Our specialist lawyers at Jones Myers have extensive experience in advising couples in these areas.

In what circumstances is Spousal Maintenance terminated?

When Spousal Maintenance ends will be set out in the court order.  Typically this will be when the spouse receiving the payments has had time to adjust to independence or when their financial needs are reduced. For example, when the children finish school or university, or they leave home.

Spousal Maintenance will cease when one of the spouses dies or if the recipient of the maintenance gets married again or enters into a civil partnership.

What happens if the parties situation changes?   

If the circumstances of the spouses alter significantly after a Spousal Maintenance Order has been made, they can agree to change the payments ordered and send an agreed order to the Court which supersedes the original order.  If agreement is not possible then either of them can apply to the Court to vary the terms of the order.

The Court will consider factors such as changes in income, employment status or financial needs to assess if a variation is appropriate.

For vital areas of law such as Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance, I cannot emphasise enough the importance of consulting experienced family lawyers like Jones Myers.

Offering expert legal advice to our clients, we help them to understand their legal position and options.

Providing legal guidance and representation with child maintenance disputes, we support clients to ensure that the child maintenance arrangements are fair and reasonable.

Our approach prioritises resolving disputes in a non-confrontational manner, allowing us to assist couples in reaching voluntary agreements for child maintenance.

We can also assist in negotiating Spousal Maintenance agreements to reach a fair and mutually acceptable solution. If an agreement cannot be reached through negotiation, we can represent clients in court proceedings to seek a Spousal Maintenance Order or to vary an existing order.

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

About Nicki Mitchell

With three decades experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled mediator, child inclusive mediator and collaborative family lawyer Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns. Direct Dial: 01904 202553 or email  Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk  www.jonesmyers.co.uk

Jones Myers Logo

Jones Myers

Jones Myers LogoJones Myers is widely acknowledged as an exceptional niche family law firm which consistently delivers excellence by getting to the heart of what matters most to you.

Our clients and peers regionally, nationally and internationally say we are ‘outstanding’ in our client care and our innovative and bespoke solutions which always put children’s best interests first. With headquarters in Leeds and offices in Harrogate and York, we are “The leading matrimonial finance firm in Yorkshire, with outstanding individuals and unparalleled strength and depth” (Legal 500, 2023).

Why choose Jones Myers Family Law?

Described as a ‘Northern Powerhouse’, Jones Myers attracts the best family lawyers who are acknowledged leaders in their field.

With extensive expertise in all aspects of relationship breakdown including divorce and separation, finances, children, and mediation, we treat every case and every client as unique. Succeeding with the most complex cases, we are at the forefront of new areas of law including Deprivation of a Child’s Liberty, an extremely complex and rapidly developing area.

Our bespoke, innovative and problem-solving approach, ensures we always seek the best solution for your individual situation.

Authors

By Nicki Mitchell

By Kate Banerjee

By Neil Dring

By Anthony Parrish

By Peter Jones

By Anna Sutcliffe

By Sarah Barr-Young

Website

https://www.jonesmyers.co.uk

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Growing Up in Conflict: A Child’s Perspective on Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Despina Mavridou
Despina Mavridou
Author, Mediator, Lawyer

Introducing the latest transcript blog featuring a powerful interview with Despina Mavridou, an author, mediator, and lawyer, who brings a unique perspective as a child of divorce in a high-conflict environment. In this revealing conversation, Despina shares her personal experiences and the challenges of being caught in the middle between two parents, navigating feelings of guilt, loyalty, and reconciliation.

Join us as we delve into Despina’s insights on the emotional impact of divorce on children, the complexities of parent-child relationships during separation, and her journey towards healing and understanding.

Read on for the full transcript of our interview, “Growing Up in Conflict: A Child’s Perspective on Divorce.”

[Music]

Okay, welcome everybody um, to another one of our interviews here on the divorcemagazine.co.uk. Um, if you haven’t seen our website please go there, there’s so much information on the website, all to do with divorce and separation. And all our articles let’s say the, the majority of them are actually written by um, divorce professionals. The ones that are not written by divorce professionals, that means divorce coaches, psychologist, lawyers, family mediators, anybody who’s trained to work in the world of divorce, um, the ones that are not written by them are written by people who are telling us about their personal experiences of divorce.

So if you have any questions, if you’re just starting off, if you’re, in the middle of it and you have any questions, head off to The Divorce Magazine, and you will find the answers. If you don’t find the answers email me, and I will find the answer for you and I will publish it so other people can get to know about it.

So thank you so much for joining us today um, we have Despina Mavridou who is with us and it’s, going to be kind of a different, hi Despina, kind of a different um, interview because, I don’t think we have had somebody come on The Divorce Magazine and talk about their own experiences of divorce as a child. We’ve had many professionals but um, you know, you’re a divorce professional and today you’re coming wearing a different hat, which is that of a, a child or an adult? No it’s fine, is that all right?

Okay, so today we have Despina, Despina Mavridou, who is an author, a mediator, and a lawyer in Greece. She has experienced the negative effects of divorce um, when she was the age of 10 when her parents decided to separate. For many years she was in the middle of the fights between her parents, and approximately I think the age of 17, she decided that she didn’t want to see her dad anymore, and she will tell us a little bit more about that decision and how it came about. And this decision lasted for about 20 years um, but you have since reunited with your dad which you can tell us about also how it came about, I think that would be really helpful.

And then after many years of working as a lawyer, in the last four years she discovered mediation and she went into it and um, and she also discovered her passion for writing. This passion for writing led her to write her, to write her first book which is called “Mom, Dad C Can you Hear Me?” and it’s based partially on her own personal story. Despina wanted to share certain things also with her parents so that they can see what it was like for her and the feelings that she had when they were going through divorce. So working as a family mediator, in family dispute issues, she has seen how difficult it is for parents to actually step in the children’s shoes, and see the whole process of divorce from their perspective. So let’s see how we get on today and um, I’m sure and not I’m sure, I really hope that there are going to be lots of parents watching this video so that they can hear it from the child’s perspective um, what it was like to, to be in that situation of divorce with your parents.

So welcome Despina, hi thank you, and I’m really glad that I’m here with you, thank you so much, I’m, I’m I was really happy when you said about coming in to talk about this particular um, subject because as I said we don’t, we haven’t had it on The Divorce Magazine so yeah, a huge welcome to you, thank you for reaching out, okay, thank you for having me.

How old were you when your parents got divorced?

So if I can start just by asking you how old you are when your parents um, decided to divorce? Yes I, I was around 10 when all the fights started actually and then they divorce, they divorced after one, or one, or two years after they start fighting, okay, and, yes um, at the beginning I mean, I didn’t understand when they were fighting, I didn’t realise that they will go for a divorce, I didn’t even know what it means.

I didn’t, I, I wasn’t familiar with what divorce means and all this, I just uh, I knew that they were fighting, there were a lot of fights, almost every day at home the situation was not easy, and at some point they called me and they announced to me the divorce, only to me because I also have a sister who, who is seven years younger than me, so they announced that they divorce only to me, not to my sister. Right, okay. And uh, to be honest I don’t really remember the discussion what they said, I don’t remember anything about this, yeah, but I clearly remember the day that I came back from school and my, my dad was packing his things and he left. This is what I remember from that period. The, this, is the memory that remained in my mind and I still have it today, that when I was coming back from school, uh, he was packing everything to his car, and then library was empty from his books and everything, and this was really strange. It was, it brought me a lot of sadness, even now when I’m thinking about it makes me feel a bit sad because it was a little bit, I was feeling a little bit terrified, my mom was really, really sad, and I didn’t know what to do.

I was feeling really trapped, if I can say it, sad, trapped and uh, helpless, and very insecure, very insecure. Yeah, and because I had a really good relationship with him because you know, sometimes the balance at home are different when during a marriage maybe the kids are more, you know, the dad is the good guy, the mom is the one that has to, you have to do the homework with the children, and she has to put all to, to have the boundaries and everything, so this was the, the relationship that I had with him, he was the more calm the, the good cop, he was the good cop, and my mom was the bad cop. So when the good cop leaves the home, and you are left with a bad cop, yeah, you feel, you don’t know how the things will go. Yeah. You feel you feel really alone. Yeah. listening to you say you know relate that story of coming home, and um, finding your dad packing his stuff, and I’m thinking how confusing! I feel now and I wasn’t even there and I’m an adult, you know just arriving and seeing everything changing, within, you know, it sounds like it happened so fast, everything just, yes, yes, because actually they announced the divorce the day before, I mean I don’t remember exactly the, how many days passed, but I remember that they told me about the divorce and then, after one day, two days, I don’t remember but it was a really short period of time, that my dad left home.

It happened immediately, after they announce it, yeah, and then the next memory that I have it was the Christmas, because I really don’t, I think that it wasn’t, he didn’t left at that period, he left one or two, maybe three months before, but I remember the first holidays that they were really, really difficult for me, and for all the family, and for my mom because my mom was really sad, she was crying very often, she was working a lot also and we were, we, yes it was my grandmother, we were staying with my grandmother and uh, I remember that, that holidays were really difficult for us. For me and my sister also, yeah, yeah.

Did anyone take the time to consider how you were feeling after the divorce announcement, or did life just move on for them?

Once your dad left, did anybody explain to you what happened? Do you know why they divorced? Did you have anybody looking after your feelings? Asking how, you know, or did just go on? I, from what I remember, I think that life just go on, and what I recall now is that everybody was telling me that I have to take care of my mom because she’s really sad, and she feels very, very sad, and I have to help her, uh, actually because in the story there, there was also a third person in the story.

I mean dad left for another woman, so he was the bad guy, yeah, and uh, yeah, and it was hard for my mom and as a woman, I can understand that. But what is really different it’s for the kids cannot understand these things, they cannot understand anything about this third person and it’s completely, I mean, they, they care only about their mom and their dad, if another person comes and they, if you say bad things about this person, this person will be the bad, the bad person. If you say good things or not if you are neutral, they will accept it in the way that you talk about it, I mean it’s completely how the adults will handle it, this is how the kids will accept it, or not.

So you had to look up. Yes, what I remember is that everybody was telling me that I have to look after my mom, and my little sister also, and this was a lot. It was a lot of burden because I, I knew that my mom was, wasn’t feeling good, I was trying to make her feel better, and uh, I, and then when they actually, then they start putting me in the middle because I had to, we had to, we scheduled, we had the program that we had to see my dad for two days, I mean every week I think I don’t remember exactly how it was, but what I remember very, very well, was the fact that I had to transfer messages. Okay. I had to for, for example my mom was telling me you have to say this, this, this, this, and when I was transferring these messages, my dad was telling me uh, tell her this, this, this, this, this. And I was trying to change these messages, and make them a little bit softer, because if I was transferring the exact same words, I knew that they will start fighting.

This is I’m, I’m listening to you speaking, and I’m just think, and how old were you, were you? This started from uh, 11, from 11, 12, something like that. So not only are you being, the messenger, no, the, these messages I remember them very well from the age of 13 to be completely honest, I, from the age of, because I have the memories, some things I don’t remember them very well but, from the age of 13 I remember that I had to transfer messages, up to the age of 17. These were going on and on, for. You’re transferring the messages, but you also have to, change the message and make it nicer so you, I was trying to them, yes, you can look after, you can look after the situation, you can look after Mom, you can look after Dad, you can look after your sister.

Yes, and also because you know, when you transfer the message in exactly what the, how the other person was saying it, it’s like when you are the mediator. You will hear also the reaction, the other person will not know anything about this reaction, you are the, the person that will receive the reaction, the anger, most probably the anger, because exact there will be a lot of anger at the moment that you will transfer the message. So I knew that if I say this back to my mom for example, I knew that her reaction would be really hard, and I didn’t want to hear this, and I didn’t want her to say for example, oh and why, you didn’t answer back, and you, why you didn’t fight back, and say this, this, this, and that, so I was softening the messages, to change a bit the situation and not to have to hear also that why you didn’t defend me. And all this while you’re a child? Yeah, yeah.

At what point did you tell your parents to stop passing messages through you?

At what point did you say stop, I’m not doing this anymore? At 17 and I didn’t say stop, because I was afraid to say stop, uh, I don’t know why I was afraid to say stop, but I never said stop I don’t like this, I only said that I don’t want to see my dad anymore, also because he was the bad guy, he was the bad guy, and I had to take care of my mom, and he broke the marriage, and he, had he brought a third person in the marriage, so I had to try to defend my mom, and I think these are all the reasons why I never said to my mom stop I don’t want to do this anymore. Because I was feeling guilty, and I was feeling also responsible.

You were feeling responsible? I was feeling responsible because I didn’t, I want to defend her, and I was also because I knew that I am like my dad because I knew from a young age that I am more similar to my dad, that I was afraid and I didn’t want to do the same things to her as my dad, so I was trying to, to be different. It’s a lot. It’s a lot, it’s almost like being therapist, being family therapist, being individual therapy to therapist to your mom, looking after your sister, but all this is not just the physical looking after but, very much the emotional and mental health, of looking after the everybody in the house.

What I understand now as adult, is that I try to block all my emotions, I wasn’t feeling anything, I, for years, I couldn’t, I couldn’t even cry, and I never discussed it also with my friends, my best friend of course he understood what happened, but I never told her after. Many years I told her that my parents got a divorce. I was trying to hide it.

Why didn’t you tell your friend about your parents’ divorce?

Can I ask why you didn’t tell her or why you were trying to hide it? I think that for that time in Greece divorce was something very, you know, they were pointing the finger on you if your parents were, it’s not some, it wasn’t something so common as it is in these days, and I was feeling also a little bit embarrassed also when we were going out, I was looking with my dad, I was looking, you know, if we were going to a restaurant for example, I was looking around the other families that they were all mom, dad, and kids and I was afraid, and I was feeling that everybody is watching us, and they see that the mom is missing, so that something is wrong here.

And then you would feel embarrassed? Embarrassed yes, I was feeling embarrassed. No wonder you didn’t have space to deal with your own emotions, you were dealing with everything else, you there was no room for you to, to do, yeah.

Did anybody take care of you during this process?

Did anybody look after you? I think nobody, yeah, because everybody was a bit shocked with this, with the divorce, and they were trying to handle it, for example also for my grandmother was something really hard for her, and she was feeling really sad, for her daughter and for, I don’t know maybe, she took it also personally due to the third person. And um, well everybody was trying to tell me that my dad is a bad guy, and you have to take care of your mom, and nobody actually, well they were asking me if I am okay, but I, I, I had to be the strong person to take care of my mom so when you ask me, when you say all this, and then you ask me how, how am I, I think that you can’t expect me to open up and speak.

It’s true and also you’re going, what if you open up then who’s going to contain those feelings, who’s going to take them, and look and if even if I missed my mum, my dad I was, it was really hard for me to express this and talk about it because he was a bad guy, how I could miss a, a person that betrayed my mom. Yeah, yeah. You said something earlier on Despina you said, there was, the third person, but, you will go along with whatever is said about this other person, so if they, say the person is bad and everything then, you, you’re a child you just go along with that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that this is, and it’s the, that’s why I think it’s a very delicate subject the, the third person and the betrayal generally and I understand as a woman I understand how hard it was for my mom, yeah, and, but on the other hand, for example for me, even at this age, that now I am 42 years old, I still don’t have a relationship with my, with this person.

Because my dad is married to this person, now and he also has a child, yeah, oh I see, even now because of all the things that I heard in the past because all of this hate, and all the anger, and all this discussion about this person, even now, I, I don’t have the courage to meet this person and talk with her, because I feel that I’m betraying my mom if I do it. And if if you did do that today, do you think you would actually be betraying her, do you think that she, she would I’m feeling, yes that she will feel she will feel bad, she will feel that I’m hurting her if I do this. What about the child in the, well I would like to meet him one day, this you, haven’t met him either? No. How old is he? I think it’s 20, he’s 20,wow, what, what.

The picture I’m getting is just how deep, this has run, it wasn’t just temporary, it has run it, almost like permanent scar, and cut that hasn’t completely healed. Yeah, and I think that this, you know, doesn’t help you to have a good balance, because uh, I mean for the, it’s good to have a blended family, I feel like it’s good to have, you have more people in your life, and they probably can, you can have also a good relationship. Yeah.

But that’s why I, I think that it’s important how you talk to kids about the third person in the life of one of the parent, if this happens, and that’s why I feel that it has to be completely different because I understand how hard it was for my mom, as a woman I completely under, I 100% understand her, and most probably, I would have done the same thing as a woman. But as a kid, when you lose, it’s completely different for the kid because for the kid it’s the dad, you can’t say for to the kid that your dad is a bad guy, because the kid knows firstly that maybe he has same characteristic to this person, and it’s one of the two fundamental people in his or her life in the child’s life, yeah, yeah. If you say that this person is a bad person because he broke the marriage, because he brought a third, he met a third person, and he betrayed his um, his woman and everything they the kid maybe feels also that something, is something wrong with, with the kid also, I mean I was feeling that something was wrong with me, that I don’t have a good character, that maybe I will do the same thing when I will grow up.

Wow I see, so you’re saying because, correct me if I’m wrong, so you’re saying as a child, you know, this is Mommy, this is Daddy. So I love this person, I love that person. I’m part this person, I’m part that person, these are my parents, so if you’re told one parent is a bad parent, then, you start thinking am I also bad because I’m part this person. I’m part, I mean, I have half the DNA, of this person, so whatever you say about this person the kid will feel like it maybe, it’s also they, they, they make it a. They introject, they take, yes, yes, yes, that’s really important and I wish, I wish parents could hear that because, I’ve worked a lot with parents who are going through divorce, and um, both as a family mediator, which I used to do before, and then as a psychologist, where parents are going through divorce and they’re struggling with a divorce. And this part that you’re saying about how you speak about the other parent, actually can affect the child not just in terms of the relationship with that parent, but personal, how they view themselves. Yeah.

When you decided you didn’t want to see your dad anymore, was that a way to protect yourself?

When you decided you don’t want to see your dad anymore, from what you’re saying, I’m beginning, I’m seeing it like it was a way for you to protect yourself, and, I was trying to protect myself to, I was trying to find the solution to this situation where I wasn’t in the middle. Yeah, yeah.

And this lasted for 20 years? Yes, because after that I, I knew that uh, if I start having a relationship with him, I will have exact the exact same problems, and actually after I went to therapy, and I worked a lot with myself, and I realised certain things, and I had the courage to admit to myself that if I don’t recreate a relationship with my dad, I will always have an emptiness in me. Uh, the after that I started realising that yes, I have to have a relationship and I have to meet him again, and I felt really good with myself when I start to have again a relationship with him. But I’m still afraid, and I said to my mom that I will do that, I will have a relationship with him but I don’t want you to ask me how he is and what he’s doing. I don’t want you to know anything about that, I mean, I’m still afraid of being in the middle, yeah, even if I have worked a lot with myself, yeah, and you’re an adult you know still the fear still continues, so you, because you know the trauma creates a fear and the fear is always there and it comes up even when you don’t expect it and even if you feel an adult, you know I have my own family now, I have a kid, I am an adult still if my mom ask me how is your dad I will feel afraid to answer that question. Yeah, yeah, and does she ask you? No, no, no. You put the boundaries and, and that’s it.

When you broke contact with your dad, did he try to speak to you or visit you?

When you stopped seeing your dad did he try to reach out, try to see you, call you? He tried, he tried sometimes even if my sister feel that he had to try more, and sometimes I think about it also, but I feel that it was like a punishment for him because he was trying, he was calling, but we never answered. Okay, I, I have thought that maybe he could try harder, yeah, but um, to be honest I don’t know how difficult it was for him also. Okay. To continue pushing the same wall. Okay, there you go, already thinking about him and yeah, you know falling into the, it’s in the kid nature to think about the, and to be honest I always think and I say this, that they say in Greece that the parents are sacrifice many things for their kids but I believe the opposite.

I believe that kids sacrifice more for their parents, kids can sacrifice their own personality for their parents. Like you did? Like I did and generally I can see this many times for the kids, kids trying to protect their parents, even when they, even in the parental alienation when they don’t talk to their parents, sometimes there is another reason that has nothing to do with the other parent that they are not talking to them, and they still feel guilty for not doing it. Yeah, okay, okay.

What would you say to a dad who thinks they have tried their best for their children?

I have a question about that um, when you said he could have tried harder. Because one of the things that I found especially, most of my clients have been fathers, um, and the fathers who have been asked you need to take a parenting course so you can start seeing your children again for, for whatever reasons, and some of these fathers who have been asked by the court to take their parenting course, have been one of the mo, some of the most fantastic fathers I have met, so really good Dads, and they’re so keen to seeing their children. But sometimes I have had fathers who will say, but I have tried calling and they’re not picking up, I’ve sent messages they’re not picking up, what else do you want me to do?

What would you say to a dad who’s who thinks that he’s done the most, what, what more can they do? Well for me they have to still keep trying, yeah, with calls and messages not something else but they have to keep trying, yeah, yeah however much they find it difficult just to keep trying consistently, yeah, they find it difficult because maybe it hurts them personally, maybe it makes them feel bad, I can understand how hard it is, but the child, but you have to keep trying, you have to trying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the only evidence that you have later, to show them that you fight for them, you try to fight for them, yeah. I have a very, very close friend of mine who did that, who fought for his daughter for, years and years, and by the time they reconciled I think when she turned maybe 18/ 19, she got in touch with him, and uh, and now they see each other and you know, nice relationship, but like you say there’s the evidence he could show her, everything he had tried, going through the courts, um, trying to find like a, contact centre where they would meet everything he had like a big, you know, folder to show this is what I’ve done and I think in the background, she probably, as she was growing up she could see and she could hear and then when she was free, then she got in touch with him and she appreciated that he kept trying, but the children have no power.

 

They have no, no, no, exactly and this is also something that I’m also try to say it often to the parents but, that the kid does doesn’t have the ability and the freedom to open the door and leave the house, the kid has to stay, has to stay with one of the parent because they cannot survive if they open the door. That’s why for the kids it’s completely different, they have to survive between two people that they don’t want to see each other and they have also the possibility not to be together anymore, the kid cannot say that I will divorce my parent, you can divorce the partner but you can, you cannot divorce the parent. So that’s why it’s completely different for the kid and nobody hears the divorce through the eyes of a kid. Also the kids have a story of divorce, but it doesn’t going, nobody hurts about it. Yeah, I like that the kids also have the story of the divorce but nobody is hearing it. Yeah.

When you decided not to see your dad anymore, was it painful or was it survival?

When you decide decided not to see your dad, was there, was there, it sounds like a silly question but was it painful was it or was it just survival? No, at the moment it wasn’t painful because it was, I was in survival mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, but when I grow up and I start working with myself I, for a years I was trying to hide all the emotions, and then I, it was also hard for me to admit that yes I miss him and, and I want to have a relationship with him and I was doing it for me because you never feel complete if you don’t have a relationship, even a bad one, with one of the, with your both parents, both parents. Yeah, yeah.

What advice would you give to parents who have not yet told their children about the divorce?

Despina what would you say to parents who are going through divorce, now, in terms of I’ll break it down in two: What did you say to parents who are listening to this and who have not yet told their children about the divorce? What advice would you give them in terms of telling the children and how to manage it from there? Well for me the announcement is not as important as how you will handle it after that, because many times they announce everything and everything looks perfect and after that it’s, it’s completely different. So for me, the most important is to start therapy first, to work with your emotions, a little bit, and then to announce it to the kids, and to be ready to handle and then to be so to be ready to handle the parenting plan, because if you cannot handle your emotion, you can never sit down and create a parenting plan and be ready to talk about the kid’s needs. Okay.

In this situation you know so where there’s let’s say a third person like in your situation and everything happens really fast, and maybe one parent says oh my gosh you’re having an affair that’s it I’m done you’re out, right, they don’t have time to go for therapy and to plan it out it, happens so fast. So if, if and I completely agree with you that the announcing of the divorce is a big deal but what is an even bigger deal. is how the divorce is managed because that can end up being this, the main trauma for the child not even that, that.

How would you suggest that parents handle the divorce to make it as child centred as possible?

So how would you suggest that parents handle it, once the announcement has been done, after that to make it as child centred as possible? For me as soon as you start therapy again, also for in this situation even if it starts really the things happens really fast, you still can as fast as the things evolve, you can start the therapy, because otherwise in a, in a month, the things will go really bad, and for the kid will be really hard to handle, but not only one both of them they have to go. This is the problem, yeah. Also especially the person that was betrayed and uh, so that the other parent had an affair, this is the person especially that has to go to the therapist, right, okay.

And the children, and therapy, or you think if the parents? No I think that if the parents go, the kids will be fine. Yeah, I, I agree with that, I agree with that. Yeah, because then they learn how to look up, they know how to explain the things, yes, and they will divide their emotions from the kids, yeah, yeah, and they will be maybe they will be able to see how hard it is for the kids. Yeah, okay.

Should parents tell the school or teacher about their divorce?

Another question is um, with regards to school, do they tell the teachers, do they tell school that we’re going through divorce, or do they keep quiet about it? I mean, what, what would your view be on that, I know I have my view on it but, to be honest to, to be honest I was feeling embarrassed, I didn’t want for my professions, for my teachers to know about the divorce.

But I think that the, the teacher should know about it, so as to handle it in a more delicate way, and if they see a strange behaviour, to be able to help, yeah, and to be able to know why this strange behaviour is here, otherwise if they don’t know, and the child starts changing their behaviour, they’re not concentrating, they’re playing out, and they’re like what’s wrong with this child, yeah, but as soon as they know ah, there’s something happening at home then they’re able, and also children reach an age where they spend more time at school than they do at home, yeah. So you know.

And maybe if they have a good relationship with the teacher maybe they can discuss about it, but it’s good, and the teacher should never go to the child and say that I know about that, yeah, it’s the kid that has to go to the teacher and confess this. Tell the teacher yeah and, and, um.

How did you get back in contact with your dad?

How did you get back with your dad? I just called him once and I, told him that I, how are you? What are you doing? I was afraid to do the call, but after that I felt really good with the, with myself, yeah, therapy helped me to take the step, and do it, yeah, it could not have been easy but I’m glad that you did it because I imagine that I, I always, I often say that if you have that question shall I get in touch? Shall I not get in touch? Then get in touch I would say, because if you are absolutely sure that you didn’t want to get in touch, then you wouldn’t have the question, you know, the back of your mind should I get in touch, just get in touch and then, see what happens from there, and then you don’t ever have to have the question again.

Yes, yes, I completely agree with this. Yeah, yeah.

Does your daughter see your father?

So is your, I know you mentioned that you have a little daughter, so is your daughter seeing your dad? Do they. Well uh, we have a, trying he, he cannot walk he had an operation, okay, and he, he doesn’t want to see her right now because he has some difficult problems with his health he has some issues but uh, I mean, I am sending her, sending him photos and I hope that one time he will meet her. Yeah, yeah so it’s kind of like slowly building up you know yes, yes, yeah, okay, all right.
Um, so your book Despina, yeah, where can we get it? Uh, on Amazon, it’s in English and also in uh, Portuguese, okay, you can find it also in Portuguese, yes, they are both on Amazon, and in Portuguese is also available from [unclear] okay, all right, and I have also created a diary, that goes with the book that you can find it also on Amazon, only because I think that it’s really good for the kids to write their emotion at least, if they don’t have anyone to confess and to talk, they can write for themselves certain things or certain thoughts. Okay, oh, that’s so, the, the diary is for the children, children yes, it’s also, okay, so it’s, it’s separate from the book? It’s separate from the book yes, they can, you can buy it or not, but the independently from the diary if the kids don’t have someone to confess and to talk, it’s good if you help them to write down their thoughts, and I think, even if they have somebody to, to talk to and somebody still wants to, you know to, to write things down for themselves because writing can be very helpful, to process you know um, what we’re going going through.

And what’s the title of your diary? What’s the diary, the, it’s just the diary, the diary and it’s under my name, yeah, that’s, okay, all right. One last thing I would like to say now that we were talking about the diary, because for the kids it’s very, it’s very important when you are with a kid, to let them free to express all their emotions for the other parent. I mean even if they say that they had a good time, be happy, try to be happy for them, yeah, if they get a present that you don’t like, yes, from the other parent, and you don’t agree with this present, or you think that it’s really cheap, try not, to, it’s important not to say anything. Yeah, yeah, this is the only way that they will feel like they have the space, and they feel secure, and they will be able to express themselves. Yeah, I absolutely, and thank you so much for bringing that up, I absolut, absolutely agree with that in those situations I think as the parent, you have to just bear it, you have to bear it and allow the child to come back and say, you know, when I was at daddy’s I did this, and this, and that, and when I was at mommies, oh yeah, that sounds really um, like it sounds like you had a good time, and even if inside you’re thinking to yourself, I don’t want to hear this, I don’t want to hear it, but actually just allowing the child the space to be a child.

Yes, like, like it was before the divorce exactly, exactly I mean that sometimes when, and, and I know some of the parents they, they completely say that they cannot do it, it’s such a difficult journey to go through, divorce, even where they’re no children. Right, yeah, when they’re children it makes it even harder at that point, but if we going to go and continue parenting full on, the way we would parent even before for the divorce, there are certain things that can make the child’s world much, much easier to cope with. Completely different, it will completely, and it will not leave any trauma. Yeah, yes, exactly, exactly and it’s, it’s things like um, and some of the parents tell me I’m absolutely not doing that, I say okay, so it’s Mother’s Day, go and get your child a Mother’s Day card for his mom, or her mom, it’s Daddy’s birthday, get them to you know, as much as you just don’t like the person but he’s still the person who is important to your most important person, and she’s still the most important person to, you know and when I tell parents that they’re like I promise you, I am not buying a Mother’s Day card, it’s not happening but at least I’ve put that idea there because, I look at the child, you know, the child and look at it from the perspective of the child, oh Mommy happy Mother’s Day, you know.

And don’t talk about money! No, oh gosh, this, this was a great, this was such a huge issue, wow, did you have to do that? Yes, I had to, to talk a lot about money because my dad was, wasn’t paying anything, almost anything for us, and my mom was paying everything for us. So I was feeling that I was a burden for my mom because he was paying everything, and I was a feeling that I was nothing for my dad because he wasn’t, he didn’t want to pay anything, wow, yeah, so if you talk about money, kids will never feel good, because if you say that I spend a lot for you, they will not feel that you care, they will feel that they are a burden, and if you say that your dad or your mom doesn’t pay anything for you, they will just feel that they don’t love them enough. Yeah, so don’t talk about money. Yeah.

There are three things that I say, when, to parents when they’re going through divorce and that’s one of them. Don’t involve children in adult matters. They don’t need to know when you’re going to court, they don’t need to know what the court papers have said, they don’t need to know what their financial agreement is,, they don’t they just, because they don’t have any power to deal with this ,they don’t know what to make of it they don’t, this, like you say they can’t say, I’m leaving, so, don’t involve children in adult matters, do not get them to mediate, between the parents you know, can you tell your mom this, can you tell, you know, in terms of mediating oh, but you know I really love your dad, maybe if you told your dad he would listen to you, oh, you know, your mom, you know.

It’s, it’s kind of like, just don’t get them to mediate, and don’t let them be messengers, you know, go and tell your mom I’m coming on Saturday at 2:00, mom, dad is coming at 2:00, 2 o’clock is not his time, you know, and then it just becomes like I’m just giving you a message but then, like you had to do, soften the message, timing, everything look after it, so that it, it doesn’t, it can have a soft landing. And kids sometimes in this dialogue they will try to say maybe also opposite things to each parent, probably they will say for example, to the dad I had a great time with you, and they will say to their mom no, I, I, it was boring with Dad, I didn’t like it, yeah, and when they will go to mediation they will start fighting because they will see but, the kid told me that he had a great time, and Mom will say no, but he, he said that he didn’t like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, we need to just, like you say continue parenting as we would before the divorce, that’s why I think that the therapist will help, nothing else can help, and also the, for the people that go to the court and they believe that the judge will see the case, and they will understand and they leave the judge to decide for their families I mean, I find it really, difficult, to believe that the judge in 15 minutes will decide about the family of, around 10/ 15 years that they are together and they, they will decide exactly and, what it’s best for this family. For the child where, where the child goes, on which day, at what time , and everything like that. Yeah, I think um, and, and I, I, I, think that nowadays even judges don’t want people to come to court, no, no they don’t, yeah.

Despina if anybody wanted to contact you with regards to, not just your book, but um, just to ask, ask you questions can they do that about how to manage their own, yeah. Yes, of course, well I can talk about my personal relationship, I mean about me, and my experience and as a mediator yes, I could give some advices, of course, okay, and yes, I will be happy to help um.

You have a website? I don’t have a website, I have my email and I have a Instagram, uh Facebook, yes, and TikTok. This time, what’s your social media? It’s a, author Despina, you can find me under my name, and with the word author in front, okay, author Despina Mavridou. Yeah. Okay. For Instagram? For Instagram, yeah, okay, all right.

Thank you so, so much for taking the time, thank you, yeah, I know, it’s, I hope that it was helpful and if there are any questions we can do also another one, if you want to answer them, yeah, yeah, honestly I think um, I, I hope as many parents as possible will listen to this and even, if you change the direction that one or two parents are taking currently, with the divorce of their children, then um, that would be a job well done. Yeah, yeah, thank you so much. Thank you, take care, bye-bye.

[Music]

Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

Why a Therapist is Sometimes More Crucial than a Lawyer in a High-Conflict Divorce
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Why a Therapist is Sometimes More Crucial than a Lawyer in a High-Conflict Divorce

Despina Mavridou
Despina Mavridou
Author, Mediator, Lawyer

According to statistics presented by Forbes magazine in 2024, over 70% of couples reported not understanding the realities and stages of marriage, while 75% cited a lack of commitment as the reason for their divorce—higher than the 60% attributed to infidelity, as stated in the same article [1]. This suggests that when we decide to marry, we often don’t fully grasp what we’re committing to. If communication is difficult during marriage, one can only imagine (and perhaps experience firsthand) how challenging it becomes during a high-conflict divorce.

In my case, I vividly recall my parents’ divorce when I was 13 years old. My mom’s lawyer advised her to safeguard all her assets and finances to prevent my dad from claiming a share of what she had built during their marriage. My mom was the primary breadwinner, while my dad took on more of a caregiving role at home.

My parents opted for what legally qualifies as an amicable divorce, as my mom wanted to shield us from the harsh realities of court proceedings. However, over time, she began pressuring me to persuade my dad to transfer his portion of the property to me and my sister, asserting that it rightfully belonged to us. These conversations, orchestrated by my mom, deeply unsettled me. She would dictate what I should say and how I should respond, then interrogate me upon my return home to dissect exactly what had transpired. In the end, she would lament, “See, your dad refuses to give back what is rightfully yours, all because of his own desires and those of his girlfriend.”

My dad staunchly maintained that the property was rightfully his and refused to sign it over without providing a satisfactory explanation for withholding it from his children. Thus, at ages 13, 14, and 15, I found myself assuming the roles of financial advisor and mediator between two individuals grappling with depression and the agony of divorce.

After years of tumultuous arguments and hostile exchanges, my dad eventually signed everything over, and now, all assets belong to my sister and me. However, my mom vehemently opposes any notion of selling these assets, citing her contributions from her hard-earned money. It took me years to comprehend that my mom was safeguarding her assets and had unwittingly used me as a pawn to achieve this.

It also took years for me to grasp the underlying truths hidden behind her statements—like her long work hours from 6 a.m. to 11 p.m., ostensibly to support us financially, which also concealed her desire to distance herself from our family situation, unable to cope. Similarly, it took time to understand why my dad didn’t fight harder for us, maintain closer contact, or provide financial support. Some of these questions still burden my mind today, unanswered and swept under the carpet.

However, through my own therapy over the years, I’ve come to realise that if both my parents had pursued therapy to confront their emotional baggage and familial challenges, it would have significantly eased the burden on us as children. I have witnessed this in many mediations where parents express their desire to do everything for their kids, only to contradict themselves seconds later by claiming they cannot adjust their schedules to accommodate their children’s activities—a situation that likely never arose before their marriage. What I hadn’t realised is that when a person comes to mediation for a family issue like divorce, they are not alone; their entire family comes with them. They carry burdens from childhood, including past traumas, responsibilities, and family expectations. For instance, during one mediation, a father told me, “My dad—thus the grandfather of the child—would be really disappointed in me.” You see, after a significant disappointment like divorce, parents not only carry the responsibility of handling their own divorce but also the frustration and disappointment of their families. The roots of these issues go so much deeper, and without addressing them, mediation can never fully succeed. Without healing from the anger, frustration, and wounded egos, discussing children’s parenting plans and financial matters becomes nearly impossible. Addressing emotions can save time, money, and anger, and most importantly, it can spare children from assuming roles that are not theirs to bear.

This is why I believe that a therapist can be more important than a lawyer. While a lawyer focuses on legal matters and may bring their own emotional biases to the table, a therapist delves into the heart of the issues and facilitates easier resolution of legal conflicts.

[1] https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/

Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: The Empty Chair
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It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: The Empty Chair

Despina Mavridou
Despina Mavridou
Author, Mediator, Lawyer

“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”—But Not Everyone Feels That Way. As Christmas approaches, festive decorations and holiday cheer fill every corner. Yet, for many families, this season may bring unique challenges. For some, it might be the first Christmas with an empty chair at the table—a bittersweet reminder of a loved one now living in a different home. This absence serves as a stark reminder that things have changed and that cherished traditions may never be quite the same.

For years, my own family experienced this quiet discomfort, particularly around the holidays. There was an unspoken rule not to mention what had changed, but I learned that silence can turn this absence into a lingering shadow—a ghost that haunts the holiday table year after year. Ultimately, the empty chair remains, and everyone tiptoes around it, fearing that speaking about it will bring back sadness.

While these changes may be difficult, they don’t have to cast a shadow over the holiday or create quiet discomfort, especially for children. Give kids the space to express their feelings and share their sadness if they need to. Don’t feel you need to appear overly cheerful; this can confuse children. Instead, work together to plan something meaningful, and if there’s a moment when sadness surfaces, simply be present. Accept their feelings without trying to fix or advise. Often, your presence alone is enough.

The Christmas season can indeed be hard for separated families, particularly in the first year apart, and especially for children. However, parents have the power to create a new dynamic—one that acknowledges change without framing it as a loss. How can this be done? By creating new traditions and allowing children to express themselves openly.

Allow kids to share if they miss the other parent rather than avoiding the topic. This openness can help them accept and process their emotions, making them feel seen and supported. Explain holiday plans clearly, including how much time they’ll spend with each parent. If one of the major holidays is spent with the other parent, consider creating your own special “Christmas Day” on a different date, giving your family a holiday of your own to look forward to.

For the parent who remains in the family home, it may help to create new memories in shared spaces. Consider rearranging the furniture, adding new decorations, or introducing new traditions to refresh the environment. For the parent who has moved to a new home, involve the kids in decorating and setting up—let them help create new memories in this new space.
Keep in mind that kids may always miss having their parents together, as you are the most foundational figures in their lives. While it’s hard for them to accept the separation at first, they will adapt and find balance. They can process the separation if they feel safe, secure, and supported. However, they struggle when they feel caught in the middle, expected to deliver messages between parents, or pressured to take sides. This is not their role.

It’s beneficial to maintain the same parenting values you had before the divorce and to avoid confusing them by allowing certain privileges in one household that are not permitted in the other. For example, allowing unlimited television in one home does not make anyone a better parent; it simply gives kids a sense of control. Competing to fulfill all their wishes regarding presents may lead children to expect more and more. When parents don’t communicate and cooperate, kids notice and may even “use” this by telling each parent different things, making it difficult to understand their real needs and feelings.

Before creating a new parenting approach and setting aside previous household rules, keep in mind who is most affected by these changes. Remember that what kids need most is your presence and the consistency that their experiences in both homes are aligned, as contradictions can confuse them more than anything else. At the end of the day, it’s just another festive season, and how it unfolds is entirely up to you.

Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

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