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What I Learned from Divorce – Caroline Palmy

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Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

“Many of us are unaware of the new life that is available to us after a breakup. For many of us, we’ve lost ourselves and our power in the process of breaking up, and sometimes much earlier in the relationship. Because we’ve been so wrapped up in the breakup, we often don’t realize that we’ve been handed a golden opportunity for a whole new life of freedom and the possibility of unprecedented happiness, fulfillment and love that’s on the other side of this passageway we’re navigating.”

 ~ Katherine Woodward Thomas

I found this quote on Facebook the other day, and I feel this wraps my story up so nicely. Yes I know, I wouldn’t have wanted to hear this 5 years ago neither.

It was December 31st 2008 when my marriage fell apart. I was shattered, I was devastated and I felt like the rug was just pulled away from underneath me.

Luckily I had my three kids (12, 8 and 5 years of age at that time) to look after, so I had a purpose, I couldn’t just fall apart.

I went into autopilot – holding it all together, far too well and far too long, till I neared a breakdown and a depression 2 years later. It was liberating!

I could finally let go, and my kids appreciated me showing feelings, and as much as they probably loved the stability at the beginning, they could relate much more to me going through the loss, than to the stoic Mum, I became after the separation.

So please look after yourself, you are the most important person in your life, and for the sake of your children, stay well. Get help, whenever possible, and get some down time on your own, you need it. You are suffering a loss, the loss of your marriage, and you need time to grief. Ask friends, family and neighbours, they are sure happy to help you, and assist you.

Don’t be shy and it is not a weakness to ask for help (I had to learn that myself), it is perfectly normal and it shows great strength indeed.

Here is what I learned from divorce.

You are enough

Please just be yourself, that is more than enough. I tried to be Mum and Dad for far too long, and then I tried to be a Super Mum, none of which really worked. Just be yourself, and look after yourself. You are more than enough just the way you are. Enjoy finding your own unique way with your kids, establish new routines, enjoy outings together. Just do whatever your heart tells you. Never forget, you are wonderful.

Simplify your life

what I learned from divorce
Remember to nap whenever you can.

I realized that when I, once in a while, chose to cook frozen veggies, because I had no time for chopping up fresh ones, my life was fuller with love. I had more time for my kids, I had more time for myself, and I felt more alive thanks to it.

Look at your daily chores, at your weekly to do list, where can you downsize, what is really necessary, and where can you sneak in some you time?

Enjoy reading a book, or chatting to a friend over the phone, having a bath, or just be, treasure those times, and make them a priority in your life, remember you are going through a major life changing event, a loss, you need time to mourn and heal.

Finding yourself

When my marriage broke apart, I woke up from a 20 year deep slumber. I was together with that man for half my life, and I had no idea, who I, as a person, was. I have been a wife and then later a mum for most of my life, and I have lost track of the woman I could be.

So I started a wonderful journey to discover myself. What did I like, what did I want? I always wanted to do Yoga, so beginning of 2009 seemed a very good time to start just that.

Is there anything you like to do, always wanted to do, except you never found the time nor courage to do? Go ahead do it now, discover yourself, do you fancy taking Art Classes, playing an instrument, singing, any kind of sport, go ahead, go for it, you deserve it. Explore yourself.

I soon found it very liberating just to be responsible for myself, not having to compromise anymore. Being in a marriage or any relationship it is always a compromise, I gave myself up far too easily, and to an unbelievable extend, that I had no idea, who I was, when I was on my own, fortunately the journey to myself was just more rewarding indeed.

What music do I like to listen to, where do I like to go, what do I like to cook/eat, and so on….,

Also with the children, I found an even bigger bond with them, and I could take things much easier; they didn’t have to be in bed, before Daddy was home, I was far more relaxed, and for that a much better mum.

Now looking at them, I am so proud of what we all have become, not only did I find myself, by doing so, I set a great role model for my kids, to find themselves also, they are more mature and more self assured, than they were years ago. We are a wonderful family, the four of us, and we have a tremendous bond, and truly value each other.

 Accepting what is

One of my biggest lessons was to accept things the way they are, and not the way they are supposed to be. My ex husband was never much involved with the kids, so it came as no surprise, that when he was gone, that this won’t change.

I knew from books that it is supposed to be very important for the children to have regular contact with their father, and I really wanted the best for my kids, so I ‘enforced’ that, alas it didn’t work out that way, and I had to accept that every divorce is unique, and every mother and father is unique, as are the children and each situation.

Now my kids see their father 2 or 3 times a year for dinner, and that is ok. This is the best arrangement for us, especially for the children, and I really appreciate it this way. Please do whatever is best for your family situation, there is never a set course, go with your heart and enjoy what you have and accept the whatnots, and be flexible as to both of them.

Finding help

Not only is your marriage falling apart, but so is your former circle of friends.

Unfortunately that is the truth.

Find new friends, and you will also find people who are or were going through the same as you, and that is probably the best for you, so you can exchange stories, and feel moral and emotional support.

Let’s face it, only people who have gone through a divorce truly know, what you are going through, it’s like with kids, people without kids know theory, however, when it comes down to basics….., only people with kids can truly understand you.

Find friends to Support youBe wary of all the horror stories of divorce, yes it is a painful process, and yes it is hard, but it never has to end in drama, either just listen to the information, but if it wears you down, you probably have to stand away from Divorce Drama, and find other less dramatic people to spend time with.

It’s like when you were first pregnant, there were people telling you horrible painful stories of labour and birth, did you really want to hear this, being pregnant with your first? No, so this time, just say No thank you.

Also talk to your children’s teacher, so you and your kids get the support from the school, sometimes they have counselors, or talk to Soila, a wonderful divorce companion. Often it is wonderful to speak to an outsider, it is very liberating. 

Taking one step after another

Yes I was tired, and exhausted and often wondered, whether I can go on, and whether this was all worth it. Yes you can, and yes it is, but get some rest whenever possible, and just remember putting one foot in front of the other, is all that is needed, one step at a time. Yes I know, looking forward and not seeing an end in sight is weary so look back and pat yourself on the shoulder for how far you have already come!

Sometimes we forget how far we have come already, and once we realize this and praise ourselves for it, it gets much easier to keep going. And YES believe me, YOU can do it!

I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart, and as hard as it is, see it as an experience, a life lesson to be learnt, and know, it will get better eventually

Warm hugs and much love

Caroline

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Divorce Day: fact or fiction?

Divorce Day: fact or fiction?

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Caroline Elliott
Caroline Elliott
Partner
Roythorne Solicitors

The first working Monday of each year is dressed up as a big day in which new divorce proceedings are started, but, despite the hype, Divorce Day is not as it seems.

It’s not uncommon for couples to put their separation issues on hold during December so that the festive period is less disturbed, whether for themselves or family and children. As clients call a truce on the legal side of their breakup, cases are pushed back – meaning the reality of Divorce Day, and the reason solicitors are busier at this time of year can often be because existing cases are picked back up.

Yes, there will be new enquiries every January. However, enquiries of this nature come in all year round. Those who decide to move forward with a divorce will no doubt have considered doing so for a while and will not have rushed into the decision. What we can say is that many enquiries that come in during January may have been influenced by the Christmas period when couples tend to spend more time together – and they reach the end of their tether.

Divorce Day has been a media event for almost as long as I can remember during my 30 years working in family law. While it has attracted much more attention in recent years, I do not think the hype reflects the reality.

After The Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act (2020) commenced in April last year, it has been easier to obtain a divorce because there is no longer the need to lay the fault on the other party and individuals can dissolve their marriage independently. However, this has not changed the divorce rate ahead of Divorce Day 2023.

While there was an uptick in new divorce applications following the change in the law, this was primarily due to people knowing the change was coming and waiting for the new simpler process.

Family law specialists, like myself, will almost always be required during the divorce to help resolve the contentious elements of separation, such as children and finances. Although the new law provides some autonomy as clients can, if they wish, progress the actual divorce themselves, it appears that many people still prefer to continue using legal representation for this, instead of taking on another task for themselves during what is undoubtedly a difficult and often stressful time.

Historically, legal support has been almost essential to complete the complex parts of a divorce so it’s not surprising that there has not yet been a major shift in thinking, and I don’t think that will change. People will still seek help at a very difficult time in their lives and simplifying the dissolving of the marriage through no-fault divorce only represents a small part of that process.

No-fault divorces are still in their infancy but the new law seems to have made no real difference for the majority of cases which will still rely on legal representation to sort out children and money issues.

About Caroline Elliot

Caroline is a Partner at Roythornes Solicitors. Primarily working out of our Alconbury office within the family team, Caroline also serves clients in the Nottingham area. She has nearly 30 years of experience in Family Law, with her clients mainly business owners and executives, and professionals.

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Preparing for a Virtual Christmas

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Preparing for a Virtual Christmas
Caroline Ford
Partner
Fletcher Day

The festive season may not (quite) be cancelled, but there is a strong possibility that it’s going to need to be held virtually. That may not be glad tidings but preparing now could help to make it a lot less bad. Here are some tips.

Get your plans in place now

This year plans probably should mean plans, best case through worst case. Worst case should be that one of you has to see your children virtually over the Christmas period.

Focus on what is best for the children

Nobody wants to miss even a single Christmas with their children, but you must think long-term. The simple fact is that the odds of contracting COVID19 increase in line with the level of exposure to it. The odds of surviving it unscathed do not. There will be other Christmases if you manage this one safely.

Decide if you need legal advice

There are basically two ways you agree who has the children with them and for what days over the holidays. The first is that you and your ex sort it out between yourselves. The second is that you apply to a court for a Specific Issues Order in relation to the Christmas holidays.

There are all kinds of reasons why the first option is always preferable.  Prior to the second option you are obliged to attempt mediation. This year, you can add blockages in the court system to the list. If you must go down the court route, then you need to act quickly. You may want to (continue) to try to reach an agreement while you are waiting to have your case heard.

Coordinate your schedules

Agree in advance when the “virtual parent” is going to see the children on Christmas day. Even if it seems a bit regimented, it’s best to agree how often the children are going to be online, at what times and for how long. This keeps everyone on the same page and makes it possible for people to plan out their whole day effectively. It also makes it possible for you to set realistic expectations with your children.

Think about how you could make the distance work

See if you can find ways to make a virtue out of necessity. For example, maybe the virtual parent can distract the children while the real-world parent organises a Christmas surprise for them. Alternatively, maybe you can use the technology to deliver a surprise, like a visit from Santa.

Choose the right technology

If you have a smart TV (or the budget to buy one), then it may be the perfect option for video calling as it’s almost certainly the biggest screen in the house. If you don’t then look at all your other options. For example, rigging up a laptop with a webcam might be easier than using a tablet and certainly easier than using a smartphone.

Make sure everyone knows how to use the technology

This may seem like stating the obvious but have a dry run of the technology before the big day. That will unearth any potential issues, like you wanting to use FaceTime only to discover that your ex is now using an Android phone.

Click here for more articles from Fletcher Day

Author Bio

Caroline Ford is a Partner at Fletcher Day. Caroline has specialised in family law since 2001 and in particular, divorce and the financial aspect of relationship breakdown as a result of divorce or separation as well as financial provision for children (Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989).

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Isle of Man Heterosexual Civil Partnerships not Recognised by UK Law

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Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith

The Isle of Man has become the only place in the British Isles to allow heterosexual couples to enter into civil partnerships.

However, the situation is not entirely a straightforward one, with the UK saying that it will refuse to recognise civil partnerships registered between opposite-sex partners on the Isle of Man.

Since marriage was legalised for same-sex couples, the UK has been left with a situation where same-sex partners can enter into either a marriage or a civil partnership while opposite-sex couples can only enter into a marriage.

To some, this situation has made sense, as civil partnerships were originally conceived as a way to give homosexual couples the rights of marriage at a time when they still could not enter into a “full” marriage.

However, some heterosexual couples have expressed a wish to enter into a legally-recognised partnership without the cultural baggage of a marriage, and others have perceived an imbalance in the current system.

As such, there have been some calls to allow civil partnerships for opposite-sex partners. So far, however, the Isle of Man (which is not part of the UK) is the only part of the British Isles to recognise such partnerships.

The Isle of Man first started allowing opposite-sex civil partnerships this summer.

On 22nd July, the island implemented the Marriage and Civil Partnership Act 2016, which allowed same-sex couples to marry on the island as they can in the UK and also enabled heterosexual couples to enter into civil partnerships.

It was expected that this would place the rest of the country under pressure to follow suit, such as LGBT rights advocate Peter Tatchell who said that people would “wonder if the Isle of Man can have equal civil partnerships for opposite sex couples why not England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Island.”

Tatchell also said that, if heterosexual couples travelled to the Isle of Man in order to enter into such a partnership, this would place the UK in a position of having to decide whether those partnerships would be legally recognised.

The Isle of Man officials said at the time that they expected opposite-sex civil partnerships registered on the island to be recognised throughout the country in the same way as traditional marriages.

The UK, however, has since reached a decision that it does not intend to recognise these unions.

In October, the question was raised in earnest when a London couple, consisting of opposite-sex partners, did indeed travel to the Isle of Man specifically to enter into a civil partnership.

In a statement to parliament intended to resolve the matter, Caroline Dinenage, Equalities Minister, reiterated that “The 2004 Civil Partnership Act created civil partnerships for same sex couples only.”

She went on to say: “As opposite sex couples cannot lawfully register a civil partnership here, the Act provides that couples registering a relationship overseas are not to be treated as having formed a civil partnership if, at the time the relationship was formed, they were not of the same sex.”

About Kerry

Kerry Smith is the head of family law at K J Smith Solicitors, a specialist family law firm who deal with a wide range of issues including divorce, domestic violence, civil partnerships and prenuptial agreements.

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families going through divorce

Support for Families Going Through Divorce and Separation Must Improve

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Relate report calls for national helpline and single point of access for families going through divorce and separation.

Families going Through DivorceCouples going through the emotional rollercoaster of separation and divorce are being let down by a complex, fragmented support system that is hard to access and even more difficult to navigate.

This is according to a new report ‘Breaking Up is Hard to Do’ launched today (Thursday 17th December) by the UK’s leading relationships charity, Relate, at an event attended by Ministers from the Department of Work and Pensions and the Ministry of Justice.

The report finds that there is no clear entry point for people to access support and information, agencies aren’t working together and children and young people’s voices are often absent. As a result, families are finding themselves trapped in a cycle of conflict, which evidence suggests leads to damaging outcomes for children.

The report launches as Relate prepares for an anticipated spike in the number of people contacting them for relationship support this January following a difficult Christmas together.*

In response to the report’s findings, Relate is calling for a single point of access for information and support before, during and after separation, as well as a national helpline.**

Speaking today at the report launch, Caroline Dinenage, Parliamentary Under Secretary of State at the Ministry of Justice, and Baroness Altmann, Minister of State for Pensions today both welcomed Relate’s examination of how families could be better supported.

Families going through divorce
Children benefit when their parents work together

Justice Minister Caroline Dinenage said:

“The fallout from an acrimonious split between parents can have devastating effects on children. Research shows that people find going to court daunting and would rather avoid doing so, especially if children are involved.

“We want to help separating couples take responsibility for making their own arrangements, so that cases are resolved out of court wherever possible. This is at the heart of my plans to move away from a ’one-size-fits-all’ system, towards family justice which is focused on people’s needs. That way we will ensure the system is much better at supporting children and vulnerable adults.”

Baroness Ros Altmann said:

“Family is vital in providing a foundation for a child’s development and success, so it’s right that we do everything we can to support them in difficult times – and shield children from the harm that conflict during family break-up can cause to their life chances.

“Family breakdown is clearly very difficult for everyone involved, but we know that children are often particularly negatively affected.

“With evidence showing that children benefit when their parents work together to support them, even if they decide they cannot stay together, it makes sense that we focus on helping families to do this.”

Chris Sherwood, Chief Executive at Relate said:

“We all know that breaking up is hard to do, but the complex system is making it unnecessarily difficult. We need a holistic, wraparound system of support for family relationships before, during and after separation which places the families, not the agencies at the centre. This will allow families to manage their own separation, helping to reduce conflict and improve child outcomes. It’s promising to see two Government departments working together on this important issue and we are keen to see how our recommendations will be taken forward.”

*Figures based on January 2015 when Relate answered 20% more calls to their national phone line than in an average month.  This reflects a year on year trend.

**For a full list of recommendations, please see the report:  www.relate.org.uk/separationreport

Relate is the UK’s largest provider of relationship support, and every year we help over a million people of all ages, backgrounds and sexual orientations to strengthen their relationships. Find out more about what we do and how we can help you here.

 

 

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How to Get Divorced – Where to get Divorce Papers?

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Which divorce forms and where to get divorce papers from?

We have so far looked at the importance of getting the financial order or financial agreement in place, how to get divorced and now we look at where to get divorce papers from.

The divorce forms are different for each basis or case and you can download the necessary divorce papers from here https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

What if we have nothing to “fight” about financially, we still need a financial order or a clean break order? Yes you do.

How long does the divorce process take? About 5 – 6 months if all is well.

What is the form E? Horrible form that’s a bit like an income tax form! It’s a form you have to complete in relation to financial proceedings. So if you’re going through financial proceedings relating to your divorce or ending of your civil partnership you have to provide full details in relations to your personal and financial circumstances and to provide lots of supporting financial documents that go with it.

Form E is completed during the family mediation process during the financial disclosure stage. At the end of the day, what the court will need is a summary of this information, i.e. each person’s full financial standing and this is required on what is called a D81 otherwise known as a Statement of information for a Financial Consent Remedy Order!

Completing this particular divorce form is crucial as it allows the divorce judge to look at the proposed order against that form and decide whether that order should be approved or not.

Without that background information he or she cannot make any decisions as to whether that financial order or financial agreement is correct.

Sometimes you won’t get your decree absolute until your finances have been sorted because by having your decree absolute you’re no longer husband and wife. This means that if there are pensions involved it’s important that until all of the finances have been resolved that you don’t have your decree absolute. So don’t rush into headlong finalising your divorce until you have sorted out your finances.

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

www.independentlegalservices.info

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How to Get Divorced – The Divorce Papers

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Following on from Caroline Saunders’ previous interview on the importance of getting a financial order in place, this interview focuses on the necessary divorce papers that you will need as you go about filing for divorce.

Caroline Saunders is a  Family lawyer and keen supporter of family mediation.  She is the founder of Independent Legal Services  where she helps couples complete their divorce papers and drafting the all important financial order agreement.

Couples can do their own divorce but after down loading the divorce forms online and do the actual divorce part Caroline will check them and most importantly will also draft their financial order which she does from Memorandum of Understanding that their family mediator will have prepared.

This document, the Memorandum of Understanding, sets out the background to their case and the details of the agreement that they have reached.


Caroline also drafts another very important document which is a financial document which is a summary of their financial and personal circumstances. Both documents are required by the court.

The making of the financial order is not a rubber stamping operation. It goes before a judge whose role is to be a judge and not just to stamp documents. This means that he or she will check through the draft of the financial order against the financial summary and personal summary to see whether in his or her opinion, that order is practical, workable and most importantly fair.

If the agreement seems unfair and/or the judge has some questions, the judge will contact the couple so that they can clarify any issues but should the agreement be clearly unworkable it will be rejected.

What are the grounds for divorce or the reasons for divorce? There’s only one which is that the marriage has irretrievably broken down but you have to substantiate that on the basis of one of the following further five reasons for divorce:

 

  1. Unreasonable behaviour
  2. Sexual relationship with someone else
  3. Lived apart for the period of two years and the other party consents
  4. Lived apart for a period of two years because the other party has left the marriage
  5. You’ve lived apart for 5 years

 

The divorce forms are different for each basis or case and you can download the necessary divorce papers from here https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

 

 

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How to File for Divorce: The Financial Order

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What is a financial order? It’s part of the divorce procedure. A financial order or a clean break order as it’s otherwise known, regulates such aspects of the financial agreement as spousal maintenance or alimony, payment for a capital sum or a lump sum, provide for a sale of a property or a transfer of a property and also a pension sharing order.

Caroline Saunders is the founder of Independent Legal Services which compliments family mediation. She takes the mystery out of the divorce process by helping you complete your divorce papers and make them legally binding.

When you have successfully gone through family mediation and you have a settlement agreement on all matters relating to finances, Caroline is there to help you formalise that agreement.

Unless you have a clean break order or financial consent order no matter how long you’ve been divorced, as seen in the Wyatt and Vince case, one or other of the parties can come back and ask to apply for a financial order.

Ideally when you go through your divorce process or end your civil partnership, as part of the settlement agreement you should have a financial order that deals with every aspect of the financial side of your marriage.

What happened to one of Caroline’s clients when they didn’t finalise their financial agreement? What happens when there is no court order?

A lot of couples assume that once there is a divorce that’s it but it’s is only the ending of the marriage it’s not the ending of the financial relationship between them.

How important is it to have your financial agreement. You must, must have that put into a court order.

 Independent Legal Services does this. When you have a couple that have reached agreement in relation to a divorce or civil partnership, I’m there effectively to help with all the form filling but most importantly to draft the financial order.

The financial order is what gives you a proper clean break.

If you reach an agreement together, you still will need somebody with specialised family law knowledge, preferably a family lawyer, to look at that agreement and say if it ‘s going to work in practice.

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

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life after divorce
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Home Alone after Divorce

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Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

As I am sitting here, contemplating on how I feel, being home alone after divorce and with older children.

I remember, when the kids were little, how often I wished to have some quiet time, some ME time, some alone time. Yes Motherhood can be intense, especially when they are younger.

I have three kids, and there was always one or the other crying for me, or fighting with another.

When they are really young you need to keep them occupied, plan outings, you need to feed them on a regular basis, and I felt exhausted more often than not. I love being a mom, and always did.

Now that they are older it is easier.  They come down and ask, what’s for dinner or state, “I am hungry”, but they can usually get themselves a snack from the fridge, and are back in the room before I can even blink.

Yes when they were little, I longed for some alone time, and then when my marriage broke apart, all of a sudden I had every other weekend ALONE time, but that’s not what I wanted either, that’s not how I planed it not at all.

Early separation time

I remember, at the beginning of our separation, my Ex came into our house to spend the weekend with the kids, so I went away, it was winter, and I was desperate to do something worthwhile, I knew otherwise I would just sit around and cry.

I remembered how much I loved skiing, especially as a child and teen. So I went up to the mountains for some weekend ski fun. This was very healing and soothing, and helped me reconnect to who I am at the core. Fresh air, exercise and fun is all you need on your weekends alone, especially at the beginning.

Then my ex got his own flat, and as the first weekend when the kids would leave the house drew nearer, I realised I could not bare to stay alone in the house where everything was still so fresh, so I asked two girlfriends to come away with me a Spa Hotel.

We had so much fun, so much Champagne and it felt good!  I am eternally grateful for those two for keeping me company and making the transition so much smoother on one of the hardest weekends of my life, while I hoped my kids would be fine.

But  two weeks later, I had to face it all again.

This time I needed to face the empty house, there was no escaping. I braced myself.

I had been looking forward to the lie in, the silence, to just be able to do what I wanted. Unfortunately my Ex send me an email that Friday evening with worrying news about our financial state, and that brought me down into the fear state.

So instead of enjoying my alone time, I started worrying about life and my kids in general, and the weekend was gone.  I had done nothing with it apart from feeling isolated not just from my kids, but from life itself.

Sitting here now, five years later, I realize how that was a wasted weekend. How concentrating on your fears and worries doesn’t help, and how this ruined my alone time. Even if the money is tight (as you have two flats to pay etc.) there is always a way of making the most out of your precious ME time.

Go for it, you deserve it.

Getting used to it

Needless to say, I got used to my weekends alone.

I planed some fun outings with friends when I felt like it or I had a good book ready to start or a movie to watch.

I intentionally did NOT read any emails during the weekend, I knew if there was an emergency I would get a call.

I was partly planning my weekends, and partly seeing how I feel and go with the flow. I personally needed some planning, as otherwise I would have gotten into the dump, crying all weekend, and not enjoying my free time. Don’t get me wrong, crying is very important and very healing.  One has to let it all go and let the tears flow, clear out your heart and start healing.  Still I felt like I needed to have some joy while being free to do so.

Nowadays

Now I sit here, and feel very weird without any of my kids near by.

Home Alone After Divorce www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Ask yourself what you would like to do. Treat this as if it was your evening out and you had hired a babysitter. Go do that now.

They haven’t visited their Dad for the last three years.  I hadn’t had a weekend on my own for three years. One child or the other was away on trips or outings, but there was always one or two around. The times I spent away on courses I do not count, as there I was busy, and not at home.

It’s the at home alone that hits me. I enjoy the peace and the quietness, alas now that they are older, 17, 14 and going onto 11, I do have a lot of free time. I don’t feel so tied down anymore.

I enjoy my freedom, while they are around. Yet having an empty house is really weird.

It is only for a couple of days, and then they will come home one after the other, and I know by the time I have adjusted to my alone time, they will start coming home.

Adjusting

It is an adjusting period, a learning period, a research trip.

If you like. I am sitting here, contemplating, on what do I want?  That is a new.

Usually my daily life is dictated by the needs and activities of my kids, now I can do what I want.  So what do I want?

What do I like to do? Maybe hiking!  It would be fun up onto the mountains. Yes that would be lovely, alas it is raining right now and not only am I a good weather hiker only, but also it is dangerous on slippery grounds.

So now, I can travel within, learn about my needs and likes, again, on a new level, and do some research into Caroline, myself, and my life.

This is a wonderful healing opportunity too; making peace with all that happened so far, enjoying the present and having a positive outlook on what is to come into my life. It’s a wonderful couple of days I can get a taste of what will be in a couple of years when the kids have left the house and I am starting another new life again. Isn’t it wonderful, that we have never fully learnt all about life. That life brings us wonderful new experiences, and that we can enjoy each day as it comes, and make the most out of it.

What to do

If you are new to separation, if you are facing the first couple of weekends without your kids, here are some thoughts:

  • Ask yourself what you would like to do. Treat this as if it was your evening out and you had hired a babysitter. Go do that now.
  • Also have some friends on call, in case you could do with a hug or a talk.  It’s ok to get overwhelmed and feeling alone.
  • Do you like sport?  Go do it, try it or try something new or just go for a walk.
  • Watch a movie or have a good laugh with a friend.

But try to have some free time, don’t plan excessively as you might just feel like you need to digest this new situation.

  • You could have a PJ day at home with breakfast in bed reading the newspaper. What bliss not having to get up and feed some hungry kids!  You can declare the kitchen closed and get take away.
  • If you like, cry, and let it all go, anything that you feel like is perfect for you at that time. Do what feels right for you.

You won’t believe me, but those weekends are over faster than you think!  You will have your kids back in your arms soon and there might be a moment or two you feel like, oh that was a quiet and peaceful weekend, maybe.

I wish you all the best on your new journey

It is an adventure and a wonderful opportunity.

Love, Laugh and have fun and most of all enjoy!

Caroline

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Find more articles by Caroline here – Caroline at The Divorce Magazine

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Step-Parent Alienation

Step-Parent Alienation

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce

Parental alienation exists in the world of step-parents too and is commonly known as step-parent alienation.

These step-parents can get a double dose of it from either biological parent.

Parental Alienation is when a parent makes disparaging remarks about the other one.

The attacking parent wants the child to form an allegiance with them and not have a relationship with the absent one. The child is caught in the middle of a parental tug of war.

How does this apply to a step-parent?

During a marriage the biological mum may make snide remarks such as, “Thelma is overstepping her bounds” or “Thelma acts and dresses like a teenager.”

Comments may be made about the lack of nutritional meals and so forth. The children may be put into a bind where it is said or implied, that if they like Thelma, they are being disloyal to their mum.

A biological parent may be in a perceived power struggle with the step-parent. This competition can even be on a subconscious level.

One father resented the close relationship between his daughter and his new wife.

This Narcissist did not want to share the limelight with his wife, so he would make subtle putdowns regarding her competence. The father was attempting to alienate his daughter from the step-mother.

Eventually they divorced and his daughter maintained a relationship with her step-mother. Post-divorce, the biological mum asked the step-mum, “What took you so long to get a divorce?”

How to lessen the likelihood of step-parent alienation?

Some step-parents said they were proactive before marriage telling the kids that they were a family friend, and not a future parent.

Be upfront with step-kids that you respect their parents and are not a replacement. Cut the kids some slack, but do not tolerate disrespectful or rude behavior. Talk with your spouse to see if the other parent is trashing you to their kids.

Step-parent alienation www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Asking about the child’s routine and advice reassures the parent that their parental position is not threatened

Step-mums have asked the biological parent out for coffee and clarified the friend role.  Asking about the child’s routine and advice reassures the parent that their parental position is not threatened.  A step-dad might have discussion with the father over a pint at the pub.

The important thing is that the children are not being forced to take sides.

Family mediation may be in order. When I was on a radio show, I had quite a few callers who asked about pre-marital counselling for second marriages when there were children. I think that is a great idea.

My step-mother’s family was so welcoming and treated me as if I were a blood relative. My maternal grandparents had died before I was born, so I was thrilled to gain another set. I had instant cousins who were close to my age.

My father was a jerk, so my step-mum ended up divorcing him. He was livid and said cruel things about her and the family post-divorce.

When I refused to listen to these remarks, he gave the ultimatum, “It’s either her or me.” It was an easy choice to make. My father stuck to his word, so we parted ways.

My father did step-parent alienation to the max to try and sever my relationship with my step-mother and her family after their divorce.

In most cases, step-parenting works after some trial and error.

Two step-dads each told me a nice wedding story. In one, the step-dad walked the bride halfway up the aisle. Then her biological father took over and gave the young lady away to the groom.

The second step-dad and the father together escorted the bride up the aisle to the alter for a memorable wedding.

Are you a step parent?  How are is it working for you?

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

 

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

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You can’t Blame your Ex for Everything

Published on
Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

It was getting towards the end of the month, and the money hadn’t come into my bank account yet.

Once again my Ex was late, I thought.  Last month he waited till the very last day, and I got into trouble, as my credit cards had already been debited, putting my account into the red.

Here we go again, I thought. Why does he still play this game? What’s the need, we are divorced now, finally. No need, to play silly games anymore. I was angry, and in fear.

My thoughts would go all over; what if he is challenging the divorce agreement, what if he doesn’t want to pay, ok this time around I do have a signature, unlike the last couple of times.

I realized that I was still in that fearful energy and I hadn’t properly healed from the last 5 1/2 years, where I never knew what would happen. Would he pay, how much would he pay? When would he pay? Did I need to involve the lawyers again?  It was a draining time, and I am glad to have that behind me,  a signature and an end to it all.

Still, I was sitting there with no money on my account, I waited till the beginning of the next month, giving him the benefit of the doubt, but still on the 1st there was no money, nor on the 2nd.

I sent him an email; just stating facts:  ‘Hi, it is the 2nd 9AM, my money has not yet arrived into my account. I expect it by 4PM today.’ I was pleased with myself.  Standing up for myself was still a new experience, and tried not to let my anger or fear interfere with my email.   I was especially proud for setting a time limit and putting a demand on it.  It was rightly mine anyway. So no need to bow.

It took less than half an hour for him to come back to me.  He explained that the amount had been deducted on 23rd, and the money must have been lost in transition.

WOW, ok, so there was indeed a technical glitch, just as my intuition told me.  So while I checked with my bank, he sent me the transfer documentation and that’s when we realized, that he had used my married name, and the old address (I had moved 3 years ago), so my bank had sent the money back.

I was relieved that I had my money, that it wasn’t a bad sign and  that the whole divorce ‘battle’ was really over.  I was also pleased that  that I stayed calm and factual when writing him this email. Can you imagine, what could have happened, had I let my emotions run wild, and sent him an aggressive letter?

So what did I learn from this experience?  I have to admit laughingly, that I can’t blame everything on my EX, as convenient as that might seem. And you shouldn’t either.

If you can, stay factual, no need to be falsely friendly, but at least leave the blame game out of anything when dealing with your Ex and see the humorous side of it all.

Have a good laugh every now and then and concentrate on your own life, let them go.

have a wonderful time

warm hugs

Caroline

 

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Changing Your Name After Divorce

Changing Your Name After Divorce

Published on
Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

Keeping your family name or changing your name after divorce?

What about you, did you take on your husband’s name when you got married? Did you keep your family name? Or did the whole family take on your name?

Now that you’re going through or have gone through a divorce, what do you think you’ll do? Will you take back your maiden name?  Would you rather keep your married name?  What feels right for you?

 

Getting Married

I hope by sharing my story I can give you some more insights.

When I got married, I took on my husband’s name. I became Caroline Cameron.

I was happy. I never thought it could be any other way. I know of countries and cultures where the women keep their family name but I had the choice and I chose to take on my husband’s name.

I wanted to be called the same as my future children and I also wanted to make it official that I was now married. Yes of course I loved that name, it had a foreign feel to it, and some in Switzerland, where I am from, had trouble pronouncing it, which made it even more fun.

I especially loved, that I was CC (Caroline Cameron). Looking back, I think I never really put much thought into it at all. I just followed the normal rules, and took on my husband’s name.

 

15 years later.

We’re now separated.

I’m seated with my three children at the table, and my youngest, then 5 years old, starts to cry, saying ‘But Mom, when you get a divorce, then you will have a different name to us!’ He was so upset.

To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about this at all, for me it was clear, I am Caroline Cameron, and I will stay that way.

Again, I had the choice – do I to take my maiden name back or keep my married name. At that stage, I was sure I would keep my family name. I still wanted to have the same name as my children and I liked the name, even though I don’t have a crooked nose (Cameron means crooked nose in Gaelic).

 

Another 5 years later

Changing Your Name After Divorce
What’s your name?

While doing some Pranic healing on myself, I realized that I was calling myself Caroline Palmy. It was so spontaneous and so sudden and felt so true, that it got me thinking.

Where does this come from? Why now? Why me?

I took a deep breath and listened within, and called myself Caroline Cameron, and I realized, this is not true anymore, this does not sound true. I realized that I had outgrown my married name and I was ready to go back to my birth name of Caroline Palmy.

Thinking about this, I got this picture of myself unzipping a tight grey neo-preen like dress, and getting out of it, and feeling free, colourful and dancing, and I realized, that with this change of name I can really free myself. I felt happy and at peace, I have finally found myself or rather re-found myself.

I spoke to my children again, and asked them, how they would feel if I took on my maiden name again.

The oldest said, “Mom that was clear, I always knew you would do that.”

My girl was happy for me, and said she would love me either way and my youngest, who cried 5 years earlier at the thought of me changing my name, was smiling and said, that is very much ok so. He knows I am his Mom, no matter what. We have all grown so much.

 

Making it official

Changing the name officially was easy all I needed was to sign a paper at the official place followed by filling in endless forms of changing it everywhere and on everything else. It was worth it.

I was glad, I had 5 years to let this idea grow, and I didn’t make any rash decision. For me it is right to have gone back to my birth name. There are situations for each one of us, and we all have to decide for ourselves.

 

Do what is right for YOU

My only advice to you is to only do what feels right for you.  Don’t let yourself be pushed either way.

It might sound like a tiny part of it all, and maybe it is, alas when I signed my documents to go back to my maiden name, I really made a step out there, and realized the impact such a decision can have and is having.

Wishing you all the best

Proudly,

Caroline Palmy

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