Going through a separation and having a divorce feels very much like giving birth. You go through various phases of different sorts of labour pains, to finally giving birth to a baby called Divorce.
Congratulations on your new arrival, your new life. YOUR life.
I was in labour for 5 1/2 years. Ok, the first 2 1/2 years weren’t that bad considering what followed afterwards. I and the kids were still getting to terms with things and it was hard: the starting of a new life, a life without a father for the kids.
What followed was excruciating, the words that flew from lawyer to lawyer, the blackmails, no signature for passport renewals for the kids, the pressure, the shortage of money. I felt more often than not that we, me and my three kids, were going to drown .
Looking back, I have no idea, how I kept us afloat. It was a miracle. People stepped in and helped us at the right time and I am eternally grateful to all of them. I am humbled by the emotional support we all got and how we came through it nearly un-shattered.
PUSH!
Then I had 5 months of pushing. Yes, that was the time when I heard that I was summoned to court by my Ex, and needed to prepare for my court appearance.
It was a very intense time; a time of healing physically, emotionally and mentally, as well as keeping my nervousness under control and letting it all out. And getting that, it felt like pushing a 25 pounds baby out!
Thankfully, appearing in court wasn’t as bad as I imagined. I was amazingly calm and trusted the outcome.
I did my work, and somehow I fully believed that whatever happens, we will be ok. My three kids and I are healthy and remain very close and somehow everything else seems to fade compared to the love I feel for my children.
I understood that whatever came out of my ex’s mouth was his guilt talking and it had nothing to do with whom I was. Strangely, he could not offend me and I did not take on any of his blame. I was done with him and his ways once and for all and it felt good realizing this.
We made it through.
We came to an agreement, it is not all I had hoped for but it’s not as bad as I feared either. It is something we can live on and I was just so happy to have it over and done with. Happy that that huge baby was finally out and the pain was over.
I was absolutely high after court, I felt so happy, so at ease, so relieved and so glad and so were the kids.
I didn’t involve them much, but they were aware that I was going to court. They were just all visibly relieved that I felt a bit guilty that they had gone through this as well.
How could I underestimate the pressure my kids were under?
Of course they had felt me being tense and nervous and yes I did stand up for them as well in court. They understood that the outcome would influence their life too.
By trying to keep it away from them, I excluded them. Still it was the right thing and we are just all so relieved that the stress of the last 5 1/2 years can finally fall away. Yes it did, or still is.
Then came the baby blues. I was hit hard, very hard that same very night.
I couldn’t fall asleep. Every time I dozed off, I was woken up by another panic attack. ‘Oh no, we can’t live on that amount! ‘Oh no, stupid me, I should have asked for more!’ ‘Why did I not stand up for more?’ and on and on it went.
The next morning I got up completely exhausted and when my oldest son asked me, how I slept, I told him, that I didn’t sleep well, as I was worried that the money would not get us through, he looked at me, patted me on my shoulder, and just said ‘Mom, we will be ok!!!’ I cried. He is wise beyond his 17 years of age. He was so right, and yes that’s exactly what I needed to hear. ‘WE will be ok’, yes we will.
I am not alone out there, the kids and I are a team. It was also a huge relief to learn from friends, that going through this fears is absolutely NORMAL. I am not a freak, not more than anybody else anyway.
The Contractual After Birth and Healing after Divorce
Now comes the after birth, the time where we carefully check and recheck the contract, before it is signed and sent off. It’s important to give enough time and not pull that placenta out. We have to make sure it comes out in one full piece and not leave anything in that would later cause an infection.
And I know, when I have the court document, that I am legally divorced, that’s when the milk will come in and I can fully nurse my new life.
Right now, I am still in healing, and need to tend to myself very gently and carefully. It was an intense birth, to say the least.
Please be gentle to yourself, nurse yourself and remember, you are going through a birthing period and it takes a lot of energy and might be painful. For some it might be a walk in the park while for others it might be very hard.
It is also a profound time of healing. Let it happen.
Release everything that no longer serves you. Look after yourself and let yourself be pampered. Have some good ‘midwives’ around like I did with Maggie Kay and Bill Tucker. Good friends that come by with a cup of coffee or take you for a walk, animals to pet or a good book to read.
Remember you are worth it.
And birthing your baby Divorce really needs you at your best and strongest.
You will make it
Warmest of hugs,
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He looked at me, I saw his eyes turn, I saw the tears and I felt the anger come up, and I dealt with the blow, his sorrow and his hurt. I listened to his accusations, his pain and his anger.