Moving On - Page 7

Your behaviour in divorce has an impact on its outcome.

Attempting to score points with verbal sparring against your opponent (spouse) may temporarily feel like a victory.

In reality, it raises legal fees and prolongs proceedings. Trading insults with each other distracts one from staying on task. Blow off negativity to friends before walking into a divorce session.

Do not sabotage your divorce by confiding its details to people who may not honour your confidentiality. Your divorce can become the subject of juicy gossip.

Instead, talk about your feelings or changes in your life, such as moving to a new place.

I messed up on this one. A few things I said during my divorce got back to my husband, who brought it up at a collaborative meeting. My solicitor told me to zip up my mouth. If you are friendly with your spouse’s co-workers or friends – divorce is not the time to divulge deep secrets.

Be discreet, so you do not learn this the hard way, as I did. Keeping quiet is especially critical if you both are in the same field. Disparaging remarks about your soon-to-be-ex, can damage their reputation or make encounters at professional events awkward.

The last thing you need during divorce is to be sued for slander.

Another problem area is revealing too much on social media.

This has been the cause for divorce when an unsuspecting spouse discovers the existence of a lover. Solicitors have used what someone has posted on social media during proceedings. This is particularly important when the amount of shared care is being determined.

Photos of a parent cavorting around at parties looking drunk, can make them appear a bit unstable. This can hurt when applying for jobs, as potential employers check Facebook and other sites. One may have strict privacy settings, however their friends may not. People can post pictures without your consent, so talk to friends about this issue.

Not being truthful on Form E with your financial disclosure can come back to haunt you. Hidden assets can be discovered by a forensic accountant which then has serious repercussions.

There have been big divorce cases in the news recently where one other spouse successfully sued for more assets when the other one lied about their wealth.

A monetary penalty can be given or a much bigger share of the hidden fund awarded to the spouse who sued for it. Being honest in the first place can avoid these legal entanglements during proceedings or months later when the financial discrepancy comes to light.

False allegations about the other party can backfire.

If abuse is even insinuated, it will be checked out. If one has lied, that may affect the financial outcome or shared time with kids.

Being perceived as unbalanced will not help your case. Some parents practice parental alienation to get the children on their side and the other parent out of the picture. This puts kids in a loyalty bind.

One father and his mother continually made nasty comments about the boys’ mum around them. He ended up with no overnights and more limited contact. Do not sabotage shared time with putdowns of the other parent, but rather say nothing at all.

It is to one’s advantage to get through divorce as quickly as possible in order to move on. Trying to drag it out so you can hang on to your spouse longer or punish them ends up hurting you.

A new chapter is about to begin.

Reframe your thoughts to accept opportunities coming your way rather than clinging to the past which can derail your divorce.

About Wendi

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

What really stops me right in my tracks is the unspoken word or thought that women get divorced and men seem to be the cause of it.

Well that’s not the whole truth, and nothing but the truth will ever make divorce a common thread that holds lives together.

A major misunderstanding that men don’t feel the pain of divorce, as women do, is silly and ill spoken.

Divorce is as hard on men, as it is on women and in many cases much more difficult.

In other words, men may be happier in their marriages than women and men may have more to lose in a divorce or breakup, in terms of health and happiness.

Indeed, divorce is associated with worse physical and mental health problems for men than for women (Robards 2012).  These negative health effects are not trivial—men are more likely to develop suicidal tendencies after a separation (Kolves 2010).

Women may experience some health benefits from breaking up. For example, when stable heterosexual couples are asked to sleep apart (not sharing the same bed or sleeping space), women’s quality of sleep is improved whereas men’s quality of sleep is reduced (Dittami et al 2007).

Remember we agree to the same concept of happily ever after, until death do us part.

Divorce means you lose, you lose something and sometimes everything and that is a life changer all by itself.  So my divorce comrades in arms stop. Stop choosing sides, stop making divorce a single thing because it’s not. That old saying that “it takes two to tango” has to resonate in your mind.

All of us must realize that we all experience the same things therefore we must all do something to make the after math of divorce a process of healing. Our goals must be unified, to save lives and save families.  I’ll tell you straight up that men do feel the pain.

I can’t begin to tell you how you will yearn to change your situation into something magical.

You will ask yourself, what can I do to stop time and make my mistakes disappear and get my life back?  Right or wrong you feel the sharpness of the knife’s blade cutting away at your heartstrings. The pain, the encounter, the distrust, that lives within you as you live with rejection and can’t do anything about it, well welcome to the real world of divorce.

This is where we do something about it. As in all things, if you get educated about what’s before you and go into divorce expecting the worst, the chances of it being worse than you expected, are about even.

I’m here to tell you that those sleepless nights will last for what we call a lifetime. You will think of some ungodly things to do to yourself, just a moment of control is all you crave, happiness, a brief smile on your face, a peaceful good night’s sleep, and laughter.

That bright feeling of relief that pours the life into a lost soul wishing it would arrive like a giant wave, that you can surf with pure joy, which brings life to a soul that is suffering.

Give me back my life you cry, give me back my life.  Ahh, what a refreshing thought.  Well it’s time to wake up and smell the poo, because you’ve got to get up, start pacing the room and determine that you are somebody, for a whole lot of reasons.

Most importantly for you, your kids, your family, and your friends. This world needs you. This world can be a better place because of you.

The breakup is over and it sucks. Separation or divorce is sometimes weeks, months, and even years in the making. So recognize that healing is much of the same path or process, but you can do it. It’s a challenge and it’s tough and often you will face loneliness. Suck it up and gather yourself, make an effort, because doing nothing ends up being nothing.

“Are you kidding me”, you say, I’ve been betrayed, I’ve lost everything and I sit here alone, a shattered piece, a lost soul, and I feel like poo. That’s hard to take.  It’s time to fight, not in a negative way, but to demonstrate that you can be a real person again. Step one, care about yourself, so that you can care about others.

Your process is simple rekindle your dreams. Put the gas back in the tank, hold your head up, smile, and put that swag back into your step, then say out loud “I’m back and I’m proud.”

Remember your emotions have been challenged and devastated. You have a lot of time vested in you and in your family. Your heart and your head have to make a commitment that can put the zest back into your life again.

Incentives yes, you have children and family who were hurt very badly and are still struggling sometimes, possibly years later. It’s tough — But that is a good reason to make life after divorce work.

Let’s think; it is not important as to how people perceive you it’s how you perceive yourself.  My friends, you exist because of who you really are and your own guiding light is what you convey to all, as they witness your recovery. Be the biggest thing in the room of life, be a strong man, lead your family to a safer place away from the shattered pieces of a divorced man, and don’t let your broken relationship ruin who you are and what you can be after divorce.

Guy’s (and even Gals), remember this is first about healing not about bills, lawyers, child support and spousal support. It’s about you. You’ve got to start thinking about what’s important to you versus what’s just an obligation. After divorce your responsibility is to you and thus to your family.

Treat Divorce as a contract of responsibility. Swear by those vows of responsibility, become healthy, happy, cope, hope, and heal. It’s a binding commitment that will make for a better life.

When we make it work, all this societal pressure will dissipate and now you must do the absolute, the right thing. I tell you that Divorce can be a GOOD thing. When you allow happiness back into your life and make it the process that heals you again. I am James Brown and this is Divorce The Talk Show.

About James

James, grew up in San Francisco, and has lived in Salt Lake City, for over 25 plus, and is a second time divorcee with 4 children. 

With his diverse background in television, both in front and behind the camera, Mr. Brown is the driving force behind the highly innovative production of Divorce The Talk Show; A New Beginning, a multi-platform production which is led by new media engagement using digital, mobile as well as the legacy media (television) platform to reach a growing number of people who have gone through a radical change in life via divorce.

Mr. Brown has a background that makes him unique and perfect to support effort to make change in divorce. He has been at the center of development in corporate recruiting programs including Discover Card which focused on youth and minorities; developed diverse training seminars for corporations; created programs that provided scholarships for deserving, disadvan­taged students as well as building one of the finest film and television production studios (Salt Lake Studios) in the western U.S.A.

During or after divorce – there are obstacles which make chasing a dream or pursuing a goal challenging. Sometimes barriers to success are more in our minds than in actuality.

People are stressed out and often do not think a situation through, but more on a superficial level.

This is where friends come into the picture.

Discuss where you feel stuck and are not able to get past an obstacle. Let friends bounce their ideas around and a feasible solution may be discovered. Really listen and be open to their suggestions.

Several people I know who had problems post-divorce, talked about them endlessly. However when we gave practical tips on how to solve these dilemmas, they were quick to find reasons why they could not work. It was as if they did not want to move on and enjoyed wallowing in their dramas.

Getting through an obstacle post-divorce correlates with how first aid is performed.

One does an assessment of the injury or situation. One looks at what is really going on, how it happened and the extent of the damage. The next step is to evaluate one’s capabilities. Is one able to remedy the problem or is additional help required? With a patient, they may need an x-ray or stitches which is out of your scope of practice.

Next is to reframe the situation and act on it. Instead of seeing a situation as a catastrophe, it is reframed as being a minor setback. One cleans a wound and applies a bandage or comforts an individual until an ambulance arrives.

When facing a barrier hindering your success, do an assessment.

Really look at your situation and attempt to understand what happened. Is it something totally out of you control that you just have to accept, at least for right now? Or does it look like you have some options for getting past it? It can be beneficial to discuss this blockage with a life coach to help you devise with some strategies for dealing with it.

Evaluate your capabilities to find ways to remove the obstacle. Visualize different scenarios for getting past the barrier between where you are now and where you want to be. Analyse what your strengths are and utilize them in getting on with your life. Reframe the situation in your mind to take on a more positive view.

Several people who were made redundant with their jobs, said they felt their careers were over. When reframing that they had the chance for new opportunities their lives turned around. Some did freelancing and had a better work/home life balance. Others capitalized on their hobbies by turning them into new careers.

People have started online businesses after losing jobs and remarked how their stress level went down.

When dealing with unreasonable people, you can change your actions, but cannot not change someone else. You only have control over yourself.

In a mathematical equation, changing one variable can alter its outcome. When you are the variable that changes in a situation that can alter how an obstacle affects you. Several people wanted out of the marriages quickly and their spouses were creating roadblocks which prevented this during the divorce process.

When these individuals changed their behaviour and told the spouses to take whatever they wanted from the houses, that barrier was removed. The divorces then moved along quickly and these folks got their freedom. It is your choice how to react when facing a barrier with divorce.

A minor change in your perception or reaction can mean a big change in your circumstance down the road.

About Wendi

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.