Moving On - Page 6

Rebuilding your life after divorce is a journey of self-discovery and new beginnings. This topic offers inspiration, practical advice, and strategies for healing, personal growth, and embracing new opportunities, whether you're navigating co-parenting, re-entering the dating scene, or rediscovering your passions and purpose.

Redesigning Your Life Part 1: A Guide to Navigate Divorce and Create Your Dream Future.
Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash.
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Redesigning Your Life Part 1: A Guide to Navigate Divorce and Create Your Dream Future

Published on
Dr Jennifer Ulie
Founder & CEO
Mensana Wellness Solutions

Moving on after a divorce can be challenging, but it is also a chance to start anew and design the life you want. In this three-part series, we will explore different aspects of post-divorce life, from managing emotions to rediscovering passions and creating a new sense of purpose.

In Part One, we explore what is at stake and the impact stress will have on your body. Part Two, we will discuss words of wisdom to help you cope with life after divorce, and Part Three will provide the roadmap of holistic, evidence-based strategies to help you rediscover your identity, passions, and purpose after divorce. By focusing on practical tips, evidence-based strategies, and re-centering yourself, you can embrace the future with optimism and confidence.

Divorce is undoubtedly one of the hardest things you will ever do, but you must remember that you were amazing before you were married and will be outstanding after. You have the strength, skills, and support to navigate challenging times but ask for help when needed. Be intentional in starting and celebrating your next chapter because the possibilities and opportunities are endless to create a life you have only dreamt about having.

I remember the day my ex-husband, the father of my kids, told me he wanted a divorce. To say I was instantly devastated feels like the understatement of the century. We had two young children, one was actually on the way at the time, and I was a teacher, so I remember immediately telling myself,

“You cannot do this. You cannot survive with two little kids on a teacher’s salary. This is not how my fairytale life is supposed to be.”

We had our fair share of issues and tried therapy, but it wasn’t enough. I remember wanting to be mad, but at that moment, we both agreed that because we had two kids, this wasn’t their fault. They deserved to have the best-divorced parents scenario.

I won’t pretend it didn’t have its moments because it did. Still, we managed our entire divorce process without yelling or arguing and had everything settled long before an attorney or judge was involved.

Full disclosure… I didn’t do it for him but for our kids and myself. I do not show up in this blog with some magic advice, nor can what worked for me work for everyone. There was no abuse, violence, or anything like that on my end, and I realise not everyone is so lucky.

What’s at stake…

There are different models of the most significant life stressors, but all of them share divorce as one of the greatest stressors a person can go through in their lifetime. Multiple studies have shown that going through a divorce can increase rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, suicide, and parental stress, especially in the first year during and after the divorce.

Divorce can be varied and complex, which can only exacerbate stress. It can impact your sleep, self-esteem, and physical health, increase financial pressure, and increase children’s stress levels.

Stress and divorce

Our bodies are naturally wired to use stress as a survival mechanism. Imagine you see a fire in your home. Your body is wired to turn on the alarm, a physiological response, to high-tail it out of the fire into safety. Your brain automatically shuts off all non-essential functions and goes into survival mode. After you are safe, your stress alarm turns off, your parasympathetic goes into a restorative mode, and you go about your life.

The brain has higher activation under stress
The brain has higher activation under stress. Photo from (Bruna Portes et al, 2019).

When we have chronic ongoing stress, that alarm never gets to go off, so your body continues to release stress hormones, namely cortisol. Over time, cortisol can wreak havoc on your body, increasing your likelihood of heart disease, cancer, digestive issues, memory problems, and substance abuse, just to name a few. A more significant issue is the chronic stress you’re facing today isn’t just impacting you tomorrow. The impact on your body can be felt decades later when it’s too late to go back and reduce that stress to preserve your health.

After working with hundreds of people over my career, divorce continues to be one of the most pervasive situations people coming to me for mentorship and learning are struggling to work through. My hope in this article and the others to follow, is to endow a little holistic, evidence-based wisdom to you to minimise the impact stress will have on you now and in the future as a result of your divorce now.

As you navigate the challenges of divorce, remember that you have the power to shape your future. In the next part of this series, we will discuss words of wisdom to help you cope with life after divorce. A divorce does not have to destroy you. By focusing on personal growth, self-discovery, and reclaiming your identity, you can design a new chapter that aligns with your values and aspirations. Stay tuned for more insights and inspiration on how to redesign your life post-divorce.

About Dr Jennifer Ulie

Over the last two decades, Jennifer Ulie, Ph.D., has become a trusted voice and award-winning expert on building sustainable personal and organisational systems of mental, social & emotional wellness. Having presented to tens of thousands of professionals, she is a highly sought-after thought leader & public speaker for her wit, knowledge, relatability, and engaging talks.

Dr. Ulie is the founder and CEO of Mensana Wellness Solutions. She has been a teacher, professor, nonprofit founder & Executive Director, legislative advocate, school board member, and legal expert witness. She has founded, launched, and led countless stakeholder groups, coalitions, conferences, programs, and online courses & certifications.

She sits on multiple regional and national professional organisations, advisory boards, and boards of directors. She has published peer-reviewed articles and is an academic journal peer reviewer. Dr. Ulie has been featured on multiple media outlets, including CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox, NPR, and PBS. She can be contacted at mymensana.com or on social media @mymensana.

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preventing pitfalls when dating after divorce
Photo by Alex Lujan on Unsplash
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Preventing pitfalls when dating after divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Starting to date after divorce can be challenging – how much to share and when.

While it is important to connect with your date, giving too much information too quickly is off-putting.  Just the opposite effect than what is intended.  Get to know them and build trust before spilling dark secrets.

The beginning of a relationship is not the time to reveal past traumas.  This can scare a person away when you have recently met.

Getting to know them

A successful strategy in business networking is allowing the other person to talk first.  This tactic also works well post-divorce when starting to date again. People enjoy speaking about themselves and will view you positively when they have that chance.

This gives the opportunity to learn about their interests. Bit by bit share yours, particularly the ones which are similar. Ask opened ended questions which gives them a springboard to share more details.  You are building connections with conversions.

Can be tempting when nervous, to dump a load of information on a date. It is fine to have periods of silence, instead of every second being filled with chatter. Let your date have space to digest what you have just said.

Building rapport

Match body language. This indicates that you are receptive. It is another way to connect. When your date leans forward, lean forward also. It builds camaraderie. Occasionally nod your head to show understanding.

Try to be still without fidgeting or tapping your foot. These can come across as boredom or lack of interest. Crossing your arms can mean impatience or aggression.  If you are tense and your body is rigid, this can seem like you are closed off.

Breathe and relax your muscles.

Giving mixed messages?

Are you friendly one time and playing hard to get the next? Be yourself and stop playing games.  Being who you are is what attracted them in the first place.

Sometimes a dating partner does a dance.

They step backwards when the other makes an advance to try and get closer in the relationship. This can be confusing. When this happens to me, I think maybe I misinterpreted the other’s interest. I do not know whether to move on or not.  Be consistent in your interactions.

Agree to disagree

There may be areas where you are on opposite sides of the fence. Politics is one of these. If you enjoy their company and your values align, say “Let’s agree to disagree on that topic.” There are plenty of other subjects to discuss.

Consider not getting into anything heavy right away in a new relationship. Discover their hobbies, hidden talents, travel bucket list instead of what they think of the Prime Minister or climate change. Stay off hot topics. You are not going to convince them to change their viewpoint.

Take your time getting to know someone

It is not a race to the finish line. Nor are you cramming for an exam and have to learn all about the other person right away. Individuals move at a different pace in a relationship. One may want to get serious – even marriage – before the other has decided whether or not to stop dating around.

Respect the other’s slower pace. If you try to push or rush them, it can backfire. They may do a runner. Yes, it is frustrating, to move at a slow rate. Honouring their more cautious nature will pay off in the end – keeping the relationship. They may have had a traumatic divorce and want to be absolutely sure they can trust you before getting closer.

Non-negotiable issues

What is okay and what is a deal breaker for a relationship? Post-divorce, let the other person know your boundaries. I am upfront with a new guy when the relationship could become serious. I let him know that my friends -both male and female – are important. I will not drop anyone and will continue to see them. I make it clear that I am monogamous, so there is not a trust issue.

Not all relationships are going to work out as planned. You may find there is no sexual passion for the other person when on a date. Some of those guys have turned out to be good mates. They are a great resource for getting a guy’s perspective on my dating life.

Having a sense of humour is a big plus. It gets through awkward or embarrassing moments on a date when you can have a laugh.

Click here for more articles by Wendi Schuller

About Wendi Schuller

Author Wendi Schuller is a moving on coach who especially helps people getting back into dating after a break up or divorce globalguidetodivorce.com/shop    globalguidetodivorce.com/coaching

She is a hypnotherapist, nurse and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner.

She is a speaker whose goal is to inspire people to move on in their lives. She helps people transform their dating goals into reality.  She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce and the children’s book series Jack Jack The Cat.

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Letters to Linda – He Lied that he Didn’t Want Children

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

My X husband waited until after we were married to try and convince me he didn’t want to have children. I reluctantly agreed to his decision. Then I heard he had a child with another woman and we are divorcing. I am devastated. I know I want a family and only agreed to please him. How can I ever get over this anger?

Betrayal is bitter. There is no way round this situation. However, you can deal with it and move on.

You will find yourself going through the stages of grief and your goal is to reach a personal place of acceptance.

To begin have a good look at your marriage and relationship. In reality, if you look closely at your marriage, there were probably more reasons than the disagreement over having children that were stumbling blocks.

Betrayal is not usually a one off incident in a relationship. There are threads of discontent that weave throughout.

Your relationship might have had other flaws and it would be helpful to look closely at what else might have been missing. Frame it with the ‘what if we had a family, would I have felt complete with him?’ Or ‘What if he had kept this other family secret?’ Here at trusted friend or counselor can help you sift through those elements of your relationship.

Letting go of any anger is essential at this stage. You cannot change what has happened. You do not want to drag that anger into a new relationship. So spend some time working on yourself.

Do the things that make you feel good and if at all possible avoid any destructive behaviour. Frustration is a powerful emotion and it needs to be tamed. You have no control over what he has done. The very positive aspect of control is that neither does he have control over your choices in your new life.

Your divorce gives you the opportunity to start fresh. It has given you much more clarity in what you want in a partner. However, word of caution, make sure you don’t spend that important getting to know you time with someone new focused on the betrayal of your marriage. Make sure that is truly dealt with in your own mind before you begin anything new.

You have much to offer a person in a new relationship. To the right person, someone who is clear in their desire to have a family, as you are, will be an attractive character feature. You will ensure that any conversation about having children happens before the relationship gets serious.

Your marriage was a learning experience- as difficult as it was to live through. It taught you what you do not want to happen in any future relationship.  Now you have control over your path forward.

Your X husband has moved on in his life and made his own choices and so must you. You have learned much from this experience. Use those lessons to create the future you want it to be.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email, nor add you to any mailing list.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

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Resist Change after Divorce

Why People Resist Change After Divorce

Published on
Why People Resist Change After Divorce
Image by John Hain from Pixabay

When a divorce coach works with clients it is a fundamental aspect to help their clients to understand the most common reasons why they object to change.

It’s not possible for clients to be aware of all sources of resistance to change.

However educating your client to expect that there will be resistance to change and being prepared to manage it is a proactive step towards recovery.

 

Classic psychological reactions to change

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At the end of the day all sources of resistance to change need to be acknowledged and the client’s emotions validated.

Why do clients resist to recover and move on from divorce?

  • Misunderstanding about the need for change

When the reasons for the change are unclear, a client may believe that remaining in the marital home is beneficial for the children, a new beginning and a new home will be resisted. This can cause an on- going battle of settlement.

  • Fear of the unknown

One of the most common reasons for resistance is fear of the unknown. Clients will only take active steps toward the unknown if they genuinely believe – and perhaps more importantly, feel that the risks of standing still are greater than those of moving forward in a new direction.

  • Lack of competence

This is a fear clients will seldom admit. But sometimes change to becoming single or a single parent requires changes in parenting skills, and some clients will feel that they won’t be able to make the transition very well. Connected to the old way — If you ask clients after 20 years of marriage to live independently, they will feel as if they are setting themselves up against all that hard wiring. They might be used to their spouse managing household bills and to become actively involved in their finance management is a challenging learning process.

  • Low trust

When a client does not believe that their ex-spouse can manage parenting independently there is likely to be resistance to co-parenting.

  • Temporary fad

When clients believe that the change initiative is a temporary fad and their spouse will be returning to the matrimonial home.

  • Not being consulted

If clients were part of the divorce decision there is less resistance. Clients will cooperate and are likely to co-parent and settle the divorce outside the courts.

  • Poor communication

It’s self-evident isn’t it? When it comes to change there’s no such thing as too much communication.

  • Changes to routines

When we talk about comfort zones we are really referring to routines. Routines make one secure. So      there is bound to be resistance whenever change requires clients to do things differently.

  • Exhaustion/Overwhelmed

Clients who are overwhelmed by continuous change such as prolonged acrimonious marriage could resign themselves to any settlement and go along with the flow. You have them in body, but you do not have their hearts. Motivation to recovery is low.

  • Change in the status quo

Resistance can also stem from perceptions of the change that clients hold. For example, clients who feel they’ll be worse off at the end of the change are unlikely to give it their full support to recovery. Similarly, if clients believe the change favours their ex- spouse (unspoken) anger and resentment can hinder the recovery.

  • Benefits and rewards

When the benefits and rewards for making the change towards recovery are not seen as adequate for the client and their children the objection to recovery is inevitably slim.

Expecting resistance to change during your coaching programme is paramount towards self-evaluation. I believe that a thorough initial assessment on the clients’ perception of change is the backbone to any divorce recovery coaching programme.

Addressing those challenges from the start of your coaching process will allow you to effectively manage objections and help your clients towards a smooth transition.

About Author

The author of this post no longer practices as a divorce coach but we have kept the post due to it’s informative, valuable and useful content.

If you would like help in coping with divorce and moving on from a broken relationship then click here for more articles from The Divorce Magazines’ listed divorce coaches.

 

Feature Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

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The Search for Companionship After Divorce

Published on
Charis Rooks
Author and Speaker

For many, breaking the bonds of marriage by way of divorce may seem like some sort of a shortcoming, a missed opportunity, or even failure.  To be perfectly honest, divorce is anything but

In this day and age divorce is far more common than you might imagine and it certainly does not mean that either party involved is a failure in any way.

Immediately following a divorce or declaration of intent to divorce there are a whirlwind of feelings that tend to set in. In some cases sadness is the most prevalent feeling, in others it is anger, and in still others, it is a feeling that you have failed at your marriage.

Though failure might seem like an obvious feeling to experience, it is one that is completely unfounded.

When it comes to dating immediately following a divorce, waiting until you have started your journey toward complete healing is always the best policy. In the case of divorce it is common and perfectly healthy to have a plethora of emotions either one at a time or all at once and dealing with your emotions and feelings of inadequacy if the first step toward full self-healing.

Instead of focusing on the fact that the marriage is dissolving, it is far healthier to focus on your own feelings of self-worth, to encourage yourself, and to focus on the great attributes that you have.

It is crucial that you take the time to start to heal on your own in order to be able to give the best version of yourself to those that you are dating as well as to yourself.

Though the need or feeling that you need companionship may be strong, you are not doing anyone, including yourself, any favours by rushing into a new relationship when you are still reeling and hurting from the last one.

Instead, try to focus on yourself for a period of a few months or even a year or so depending on how much time you need to feel like yourself again. The right person will be waiting for you to heal in order to have the most meaningful post divorce relationship possible.

Click here for more articles by Charis Rooks

ABOUT CHARIS ROOKS

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again. 

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

 

 Feature Photo by Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash

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On the Rocks Divorce Poem
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On the Rocks – Divorce Poem by Malcolm Whyman

Published on
Malcolm Whyman
Malcolm Whyman
Poet

I recall that Monday morning when you said I was a bore,
That you didn’t find me sexy didn’t love me any more,
All day I couldn’t take it in that we were on the rocks,
But when I returned from work that night I found you’d changed the locks.

You wouldn’t let me take my clothes you wouldn’t let me in,
And when I phoned next morning you said they’re in the bin.
You said I’d had a cheque returned for just a small amount,
Then sniggered when you told me you’d cleared our joint account.

I was gutted when the judge declared that you could keep the car,
‘Cos you had to take the kids to school and wouldn’t walk that far.
And then it dawned on me that you were on a winning streak,
When your maintenance was set at three hundred pounds a week.

The judge said you could keep the house ‘till the kids got their degrees,
And I would have to pay for all their education fees.
My life was now in ruins all I could do was sob,
I couldn’t take the pressure so they sacked me from my job.

The kids don’t want to see me now ‘cos you’ve told them I’m the baddy,
And now you’ve moved your lover in they call the bastard Daddy.
They tell me that you’re happy now they say you’re on a roll,
While I’m dossing in a hostel and living on the dole.

A crumpled lotto ticket relieved my dark despair,
And overnight I became a multi-millionaire.
When you heard you came to see me with a low cut sexy dress on,
And told me you were sorry now and said you’d learned your lesson.

It seems your lover left you an affair you now regret,
But it seems he also left you fifty grand in dept.
They say revenge is sweet but a dish best eaten cold,
She’s living in a council flat now the house is sold.

I sent the kids to boarding school to teach the some respect,
Then flew to the Bahamas for a few months to reflect.
Now all you loyal married men with selfish wives and kids,
Don’t expect any sympathy when you’re on the skids.

About Malcolm Whyman

From a young age, writing was an attempt to resolve the mysteries of life. Reading other people’s work was an important part of that.

Boredom could a problem, which in my case, was offset by the library and the cinema. Leading one to contemplate that marriage was perhaps the default position in life. And so it was that, as a young man, it was through wedded bliss that I sought my salvation. I was mightily disappointed! Not least because my sexual expectations were far from fulfilled.

Two years and two attempts at a meaningful career later, my marriage was at an end. I found myself driving a crane in a London scrapyard and suffering from a debilitating depression.

Back in Nottingham and among friends, I eventually recovered and ever the optimist embarked on marriage once again, with much the same results as the first time. Only this time I was overwhelmed by a surfit of sex.

All this domestic chaos resulted in the outline of my book, ‘The Onion Peeler’. Throwing caution to the wind, I hitched down to Cornwall and a new career as a craft jeweller. But it also gave me the opportunity to complete the first draft of my Novel.

The end of the tourist season saw me broke and looking for work. An offer of a couple of weeks work at a scenery firm in Nottingham found me back home again and taken on for a couple of seasons by the scenery firm.

A contretemps with the management of the scenery firm saw me back on the cobbles again and contemplating fifteen years of work with nothing to show for it.

I barely owned the clothes I stood up in, little knowing at the time, that things were about to change for the better. Via a short stint in a junk shop, I was about to embark on a career in the antique shipping trade

Money was still tight in the seventies, mortgages were difficult, to get and bank loans even harder. Getting a wedge to start up a business was almost impossible.

Meeting Tony in the junk shop was nothing short of a miracle.

Tony had money, contacts and a car. It was said at the time, that all a buccaneering spirit needed to get into the antique shipping business, was a car, a roof rack and a tank full of petrol.

Tony had all those things and more, he was probably at that time, one of the smartest seventeen year olds in the country. From almost a standing start, within two years we were rich. Big house, fancy cars, continental holidays and expensive dinners, the usual indulgences of those with more money than sense. So It would have continued had Tony not got the creative bug.

Our nemesis was the first commercial pottery in Nottingham. Its capacity to consume money was prodigious and despite a huge injection of cash, from a legacy left to Tony by his father, it was to no avail and we went bankrupt.

We were rescued by a phenomenal rise in the price of gold and silver. So for nearly two years we became bullion dealers and made enough money to set up a shipping business in America.

The nature of our business was such that it allowed me to spend time on music and writing. Unitil now, in semi-retirement, I can concentrate on those things full time.

Feature Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

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going through divorce blessing in disguise
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Can Going Through Divorce be a Blessing in Disguise?

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

Divorce is tough. Divorce is even tougher at this stage of your life, when there’s already a million things to think about–retirement, downsizing, taking care of a sick parent–the list goes on and on.

So, when you mix those life events with the heartbreak, stress, and loss of confidence that many experience during divorce, it can all seem like a terrible nightmare, wondering if you’ll be stable or happy again.

That’s a lot of baggage to handle for even the strongest of us.

Even when hard feelings linger, remember that not all of divorce’s after-effects are negative.

For many, divorce can actually be a blessing in disguise.

Divorce gave you the gift to really learn about yourself.

Many of us tend to view divorce as a loss. The years we spent throwing ourselves into the roles of spouses and making sacrifices seem to be for nothing when the marriage ends.

We may struggle with finding a new identify and purpose in our lives.

While this loss seems devastating at first, divorce can actually be the gift you never though you needed. You now have the chance to really discover the true you.

As you depart from the chapter in your life where you were somebody’s spouse, you now have chance to look within.

Being on your own will gives you the opportunity to examine yourself in a way that is difficult if not impossible when coupled. Being alone nudges you to ask the hard questions:

What do I want my new life to be like?

What current obstacles keep me from achieving that life?

What changes must I make to have the future and healthy relationships I want?

Now that you have the ability to look at your life through a different lenses, you have the gift of better understanding yourself—knowing what you want, understanding your triggers and obstacles, and clearly identifying deal-breakers so that you can prevent any unhealthy patterns and dynamics that occurred previously.

Divorce made you a survivor. And survivors can do anything.

Divorce is considered one of the most stressful and traumatic events in life—ranking with death of a loved one, sickness, and unemployment.

While most of us wouldn’t wish these events on anyone, consider this: because you made it through this trauma, you are a survivor.

We don’t give ourselves enough credit for manage divorce. Think of all the incredible things you accomplished during that time. You navigated the legal labyrinth.

You held your head up high even during your most painful, heart-breaking moments.  You continued to live and work and take care of your children and carried on with grace despite the fact you were going through a mess.

If that isn’t facing your fears and proving you can do anything, I don’t know what is. You demonstrated to yourself that nothing is insurmountable for you as you continue to move on with your life. Remember these things the next time you are hard on yourself.

Second chances in life are rare. Take the one that divorce gives you.

When we feel devastated, wondering if we’ll ever be able to move on after divorce, it is easy to forget that we are actually given a second chance.

It can be difficult to regard divorce as a second chance when we are overwhelmed and hurt,  but remember the opportunities that divorce has given you.

Whether you had wanted it or not, divorce allows you a “do-over” with your life. It gives you opportunities you never though possible: being happy again, being independent and answering only to yourself, growing and challenging yourself unlike ever before, understanding yourself, and defining life and happiness on your own terms.

It’s not to say that accomplishing these things within a marriage is impossible, but life after divorce accelerates this opportunity, pulling you out of your comfort zone.

So, even if the divorce grief and anger are still there, remember that a gift hides within them. You are a survivor who can do anything.

You now have this incredible power of introspection that can serve as a guide if you let it. And the end of your marriage has given you second chance at life that many others long for but may never receive.

Embrace these divorce blessings and gifts. Your new life is waiting.

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split”helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives.

For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

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What I Would Say To My Deceitful Ex-Husband
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Life after Divorce – What I Would Say To My Deceitful Ex-Husband, 20 Years Later

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

It was a novel suggestion. What would I say to my former spouse if given the opportunity?

We haven’t spoken in nearly two decades. Twenty five years of marriage is so far behind me now that most of my life has been without him.

The hurt he left behind surfaces occasionally with me and our sons. We long ago learned to deal with it and push it back in the shadows where it belongs. I wonder if he knows of that paternal legacy.

I used to think he was my bridge over troubled water. Now I realize that notion was reversed. His demons far exceeded mine.

There was a time when I missed him so much I ached. That feeling left me years ago and never returned. My biggest battle today is suppressing regret for time lost in a marriage that was doomed from the very beginning.

Our oldest son saw the demise of the family before we did. He told me that when he was barely a teenager it was already evident. We may have been fooling ourselves but not him.

Childhood sweethearts can be both a boon and a bane. In our situation is was the latter. He skilfully exploited my innocence. I grew up after he left, a painful but invigorating process.

This is what I would say if given the opportunity. Our conversation would include the following anecdote, questions, and observations.

Last summer, our oldest grandchild, all of seven years old, asked ” What happened? Why don’t you live together?” I hope someday he asks you the same question and that you have the grace to answer the question honestly. Not wink and toss it off as a joke as you are wont to do or dismiss it as all just “water under the bridge.”

This time you got a pass on your behaviour thanks to our son who fielded the question rather skilfully. No mention of your trademark deception and dishonesty. Seven years old is too young to know the truth. But someday he will know the answer.

Our sons are our greatest asset together. They are dedicated to their families. I worried about that because of the example you had set as a husband and father. Did your parenting choices ever concern you? For many years they were fatherless.

I would ask you about the phenomenon that a father can walk away from a family and turn a corner and not look back. We are not the only family to experience this type of abandonment. I don’t understand how men, mostly, can have little family contact for years on end. A Facebook connection with the odd puerile quip is hardly parenting.

I would ask you about how you lived a lie every day of our marriage. I get stuck on that fact I must confess. Over 20 years later and it still gets me. Every memory of our life together from high school forward is couched with the fact it was all a lie. Every profession of love, everything you ever said or did was framed by your lies.

I would tell you one of the best decisions I ever made was reclaiming my maiden name. I have a colleague to thank for the change. He refused to address me by my married name after the divorce details emerged. So almost by default I went back to my ‘maiden’ name and for 20 odd years I am grateful every single day I did that. It is a name worthy of that honour.

I would tell you I miss sharing this time of life with children and a gaggle of grandchildren. At least with -the you- the fatherly pastiche you wore so well. All of that is framed with the possibility you never really cared about any of it. Our life together might be nothing more to you than photo ops, well placed good deeds and empty words of sincerity to cover your secrets.

I would observe, that, as is often the case in divorce, you ended up much more financially secure than I did. However, my freedom from you is priceless.

I would ask you those questions and then doubt your answers. Would you just tell me what you think I want to hear, something you do very well or would you be honest? I am not sure what an honest answer sounds like coming from you.

I used to think ours was a great love until I found the real deal. I used to be afraid of you but I am not anymore. I still want to know the name of the silent partner in our marriage that you have refused to reveal.

And thus the conversation would end in an egregious manner, just like our marriage.

More than 20 years of silence is a lifetime. Perhaps it is all water under the bridge.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

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Life after Divorce – 20 Years Since My Divorce, And I Am Better For It

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Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

This year, 2016, is officially 20 years after my marriage breakup.

For those of us who grew up in the 1950s, we thought the future would be much like our parents. We married, had families, but then, unlike our parents, many of us divorced.

Twenty-five years ago I would have told you I was the luckiest woman in the world. I was married to my best friend who I adored and had two wonderful sons. I had it all including the home and picket fence.

As it turned out, there was no luck in my marriage. The marital secrets he revealed crippled me emotionally for years after the breakup. I was such an innocent in 1996 and he knew it.

Even in the earliest, darkest days and nights after he left, I was determined to get better emotionally. There are family and friends who thought I talked too much about it. I probably did. But, we are all on our own timeline with grief recovery.

The advice that you will get over it — is not true.

Far more apt is what someone said to me back then. Life after divorce is like having had a broken arm — there is always a slight twinge in the damp weather. It’s a much longer, softer lens when I look back but it is part of who I am. My history.

Throughout, my sons have always been a source of strength for me. They were in their late teens at the time. We became a very single-parent family quickly, creating new traditions, forging a solid family unit.

They forgave my mistakes and emotional stumbling and were my cheering section with my successes.

I don’t believe older children find divorce easier. When a marriage disintegrates, the family unit as it has been known does too. The expected future — lost. Painful for children at any age.

And just how does a parent walk away from a family and turn their back on everything they have known? In so many divorce stories, that narrative repeats over and over. So often, those people who cause the marital breakup, create a future where they drop in and out of their children’s lives based on convenience.

One of the many miracles in my life was finding the most understanding and skilled counsellor during the death throes of my marriage. For the next three years, she helped me piece together a life I thought was shattered. I began to realize my own self-worth and how love had indeed blinded me to the result of constant personal denigration.

A strong lesson in choices was a theme during our sessions.

“Don’t feel sorry for him,” she said, “because he made the choices that brought about the end of the marriage. ”

The past 20 years have been about my choices. I had no control over what had happened in my marriage but I did have a choice in how I lived my life going forward.

Again, I was fortunate to have a career I loved, and a supportive administration who allowed me to pursue and excel in my chosen field of guidance.

I had always wanted to live and work abroad and was able to do that. Packing two big satchels and moving to a brand new country on my own was an extraordinary, empowering experience.

Twenty years ago, when he left, I was denied one future. It hasn’t been easy. However, now I believe that leaving was the greatest gift he ever gave me.

Dating was more of a challenge. Marrying my childhood sweetheart had given me little opportunity for emotional growth. I had to learn how to date again. In retrospect, that was fraught with its own hilarity. But each time a Mr. Right Now came into my life, it gave me another opportunity to learn how to have a healthy, mature relationship. Training wheels for the future.

My own space is as important as shared space. On the evenings that I own the remote control — I am happy that I do.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience.

As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

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Divorce Memories and Dreams
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Where Life after Divorce Memories and Dreams Continue to be Made

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

On Golden Pond clinched it.

We watched it, cried through the credits and saw ourselves years in the future. He, the crotchety Henry Fonda, and me, the delightfully aged Katharine Hepburn — opening the cottage each spring.

We’d remark on all the changes from the past year, ourselves included. Then we’d wait for our children and grandchildren to descend for their summer holiday.

It’s that time of year again. Cottage opening. Prompted by that movie 32 years ago, we scraped together some cash and bought the waterfront property of our dreams.

Travelling down the dusty back roads of our town we found the perfect piece of land. A huge stand of birch trees and a view straight across the lake. Sitting at the shore one sunny morning, watching two loons swim by, we knew this was ours.

Both of us had grown up with old fashioned cottages. Those simple cabins by the shore. Simplicity was the key to our type of cottage experience.

The first year we camped. There was no money left to build anything after buying the land. So, we built a tent platform and pitched a tent. That lasted all of one summer. It turned out, we were not happy campers.

The next year a small cabin sprang up in the middle of the birch grove. It was as simple as it gets. Reclaimed windows, second hand furniture, plywood counter top, ancient stove and cold water. But, we were out of the weather when it rained and more than an arm’s length from each other inside.

For our sons, the days blended into what I call those white nights of summer. Endless games of Marco Polo echoed from the raft. At dusk, they ran wild in the forest with a gaggle of cottage country kids, playing Capture the Flag. A game whose rules still elude me. After roasting marshmallows at the bonfire by the shore, they would drop into bed exhausted.

We added a front porch and the place remained like that for several years. Every night we watched the stars and dreamed of adding on a bedroom wing and a proper bathroom somewhere off in the future. Old fashioned cottages have two things in abundance. Memories and dreams. Nothing is ever completely “finished” and that is part of the fun. The memories and dreams.

Finally we took the plunge, mortgaged it and added on what we saw as luxury. Proper bedrooms and a bathroom.

This is where the idyllic story starts to get derailed.

My spouse began to dislike everything about the cottage, seething at the inevitable projects. Gone were the times where we had once, laughingly, faced the challenges together. Now he turned on me and the cottage. It was all a burden to him. He’d outgrown the summer place, just as he did his family. I was isolated and confused by his indifference.

After some very traumatic scenes, he walked out 20 years ago. I took over the parenting, the mortgage and finishing the cottage.

I learned to tape drywall and do a fairly decent job of it. Repair jobs I couldn’t do myself were farmed out to available handymen.

Like everything else in my newly single life, I began to really enjoy the autonomy of making my own decisions. I found out I could design the finishing touches and organize contractors. I worried constantly about the financial pressures of keeping the cottage. I persevered for my sons and relied on my spirited determination. The cottage became an integral part of the post-divorce family.

Slowly the place began to look more complete.

It is still an old fashioned cottage with a hominess that invites relaxation. There are big comfy couches and we have kitschy memorabilia tacked up on the walls. No granite counter tops. The hallway is a picture gallery of our family fun over the years.

It is now a special place for my grandchildren.

They bound out of the car, just like their fathers did so many years before. The someday that never was to be together with my former spouse is here. It is “Grandma’s Cottage.” And a new generation is running wild in the woods, splashing in the water, paddling in the inflatable boat, and having mud fights at the shore.

The place is still not finished. There’s some drywall that needs taping and painting. The outside should be re-stained but it is “the cottage.” Full of memories and dreams.

Dear Diary on a summer morning:
6 a.m.: steaming cup of coffee, snuggled up in bed with my grandchildren, watching the loons in the bay.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons.

I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children.

Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

You might be interested in

Divorce Quotes - Coping with Divorce
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Divorce Quotes – Coping with Divorce

Published on

Here are some quotes that we hope will help you in coping with divorce.

One that we haven’t included but remains a favourite with us here at TDM is from the incredible and formidable Maya Angelou:

“Nothing works unless you do”

When all is said and done, at some point, you do have to decide to get better and to really do so you will need to work at it in one way or the other.

Here are our quotes:

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Life After Divorce and Separation
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Creating the Perfect Life After Divorce and Separation

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Adele McCormack Accredited Coach specialising in Relationships and Divorce

“Looking back, I knew my relationship was flawed, and I mean deeply flawed. We practically hated each other and yet we got married – Why? Because the prospect of rebuilding my life seemed to be more daunting than staying in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship.”

This is a common feature of why people stay in unhappy marriages because the fear of dealing with the fall out is crippling.

We all just want to be transported from miserable situation to perfect future life straight away.

Unfortunately, life does not happen like that but you can get to your perfect future quicker if you are prepared to do the work. You see your future is created by you and only you.

If you sit back and do nothing, then nothing will change in your future.

Take control of your decisions and your life can be transformed. Here are a few strategies to kick start you to creating that perfect future.

  • The first thing to do is to focus on the Now – This may seem all too ambiguous so what I mean is this; Write a list of what is holding you back and make the time to correct it i.e. finances. What is the impact on the financial situation since you separated? Do you need to address your income and expenditure? Ignoring this now could have grave consequences in the future but is often an area that people like to put off.
  • Acknowledge your pain – Yes, you are hurting, yes you may be angry, some people are even relieved that their marriage is over. The important thing is to acknowledge your pain, whatever that is. If you need to cry, then cry, shout then shout just don’t deny your feelings. All too often I see people posting pictures on Facebook claiming their life is wonderful when there is a photo posted of them staggering out of a club, pain etched all over their face. Numbing your emotions with alcohol and drugs will just prolong you having to deal with them. If you can’t face dealing with the emotions by yourself, use your friends, family or even coach or counsellor. It is really important to acknowledge your grief.
  • What’s working and what is not? – Your Divorce provides you with an opportunity to really transform your future. Think about what is enhancing your life currently and what is hindering it. This is a useful exercise because it really gets us to evaluate our activities. Humans are creatures of habit and often we do things because we have always done them, not because it serves us any purpose. What in your life can you let go of?
  • Take control of the practicalities– In every relationship, we have jobs to do round the house. Someone is the predominant family cook, someone sorts the cars, does the garden, washing etc. When you separate, this leaves a gap. Say your ex always mowed the lawn be he is no longer here. If you ignore it then the grass will grow and will be a constant reminder of the separation. Get yourself a mower and get out there and do it yourself. You may even find it liberating.
  • Be Kind to Yourself – You are going through a tough time, and will have good days and bad days. So, it is important to be kind to yourself. A facial, new hairdo, time to meditate, pray, go out for dinner, whatever you need. Be kind to yourself and be grateful to yourself for making the time.
  • Re-Organise the space– If you are remaining in the house, re-arrange the furniture, re-define the space as yours. If you have moved elsewhere then try redefining something else like you wardrobe. Use the time to have a clear out, be ruthless. Its shifts your energy and helps you feel in control.

For more information and tips about getting through Divorce go to www.northhousecoaching.com

Adele McCormack is a trained and accredited Coach specialising in Relationships and Divorce. Also a qualified Social worker with a background in Mental Health and Substance misuse, Adele is skilled at helping people rebuild their lives following dysfunctional and abusive relationships.

You find out more about Adele and her work here – www.northhousecoaching.com

 

Adele has also been featured as an expert on BBC Radio Cambridgeshire and the Dr Jackie Black podcast in Canada.

In collaboration with Sara Collins (divorce solicitor and coach) they have created the New Dawn Divorce Retreat offering an intensive healing experience for people going through Divorce. For more information visit www.northhousecoaching.com/divorce-retreat

 

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