Wendi Schuller

Divorce for Men – The First Steps in Coping with Divorce

Published on October 26, 2015November 11, 2018

Divorce for men – What are the first few steps when hit with divorce news?

When hearing that one’s wife wants a divorce, it is a blow that some guys even feel physically. Acknowledge that you are in shock and do not expect to make any rational decisions right away. It may feel like you are a robot going through the motions of daily life.

Get some emotional support. Guys that I talked with said that they were too stoic – keeping a stiff upper lip. They did not know where to turn when they were numb with shock. Talk to a relative whom you feel close to and let them know you need to vent. This is not the moment to be on the receiving end of a lengthy list of tasks to do in divorce. Detailed divorce strategy comes later after you had time to process your feelings and to regroup. Maybe confide in a cousin or uncle because your parents may be in shock themselves.

Reach out to others. This was the hardest thing to do, according to my male sources. They felt like they would be a burden to others or be perceived as weak if they mentioned their divorce woes. Go out for a pint with your mates and tell them what you are facing. Most likely they have pals who are divorced, if they are not themselves, and can clue you in on what to do next. Just expressing how you feel can take a weight off your shoulders. I guarantee that your wife has talked about getting a divorce with at least twenty girlfriends.

Feeling like you are teetering on the brink of a breakdown is normal in divorce. Many have felt this way too, and we made it through our divorces with our sanity intact. Balance having alone time with interactions with friends. Men said it was easier to think about their situation and come up with solutions when they were in motion, such as running on the treadmill, or taking a walk. Exercise is important as a way to burn off anxiety and strong emotions while lowering stress hormones and getting your body back to a healthier place.

Man up and seek short-term help if depressed or feeling stuck, as some fellow have advised. Divorce coaches specialize in getting a person from Point A to Point B and beyond. Click on The Divorce Magazine’s resource tab for links to classes, workshops, or where to have a chat with a counsellor. Look at it this way. You go to a professional to get your car or other machinery fixed and a divorce professional can do the same for you.

Keep in mind that the divorce process is a continuum and one moves back and forth on it. One day you feel fine and the next one you may be despondent – then back to okay. Feeling good then backtracking to not so good is normal. Some parts of the divorce process itself are bumpy, which can affect your emotional state, such as figuring out shared care time with the children. When a divorce is going along smoothly, it can be disconcerting when it hits a snag. Be open to negotiation and getting the process back on track.

Take it day to day and focus on what is at hand. Worrying about the future is not going to help and instead use your energy on getting through the divorce. Take your time making decisions, such as with dividing assets. Take your divorce step-by step and you will get to the other side and be done with it.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Coping with Divorce

Cruising at Christmas Post-Divorce

Published on October 17, 2015November 11, 2018

One way to start new Christmas traditions is to get away from it all and wipe the slate clean after divorce.

No more “this was what we did when we were still married last Christmas Eve.”

One happily divorced woman who is now my friend, went on a Christmas/New Year’s cruise solo. She chose to surround herself with many people and felt the Christmas spirit. Not needing a date to dance the night away on New Year’s Eve was a bonus.

On cruises, there are often get-togethers for the single passengers of all ages. Beats moping around one’s flat when friends are occupied with their own holiday plans.

Both my sons and I did two holiday cruises on Cunard’s QE2 with my husband and mother. Then just the three of us did two post- divorce ones on Holland America.

What are holiday cruises like?

The anticipation starts months ahead of time when selecting the destinations. The cruises are a nice mix of exploring other cultures during the day and consuming scrumptious meals on board while possibly being serenaded by a string quartet. It was a unique experience hearing a steel band in the Caribbean playing carols and seeing Gibraltar decked out in Christmas decorations.

There are different types of entertainment – concerts, musicals, comedians, magic shows, plus much more. Other activities are lectures, cooking demonstrations, computer classes, quizzes, and bridge, just to mention a few. One can be sociable or chill out reading in a quiet corner. The kids are kept busy and the single parents get some alone time or to interact with other adults. The staff puts on a show and sings carols.

cruising after divorce The QE2 had a traditional British Christmas which included a hilarious pantomime. Holland America embraced its Dutch heritage with their special foods and celebrations.

I packed my sons’ Christmas stockings with several small gifts. I picked up something on the trip, a local t-shirt or souvenir, since the cruise is their present. Having just a few stocking stuffers to open gets the focus off material goods and puts the emphasis on shared experiences. At home we never attended so many holiday programs or ate such feasts as we did on board.

The ships were decorated exquisitely and not having to take down the tree and so forth is a gift in itself. The time we did not spend getting tasks done in the frenetic holiday season meant we could bond in a stress-free environment. A few singles told me that they tucked away presents from their families and looked forward to opening them on Christmas Day. If you enjoy a surprise, consider going to a shop with items you like (skin serum for me) and pay them to wrap up something you can have on Christmas day.

The adults seemed to enjoy Father Christmas’s appearance on Christmas almost as much as the children.

He and the elves gave out presents while the adults sipped their spiked egg nog. My twenty-two year old was excited that Father Christmas remembered the college kids on board too.

A priest conducted lovely Christmas Eve and Day masses (actually every day). Classic holiday movies are shown in the cinema and being on this type of cruise is truly magical.

Book early since the holiday ones sell out.

I bring two non-religious holiday cards and put a little cash in them. One is a present for our cabin steward and the other for the waiter and the assistant at our table. The money I do not spend on gifts, decorating, entertainment and food pays a chunk of the cruise price. It is possible to get cruise ships out of Southampton and other UK ports which saves on transportation costs.

As a single mother it is easier to budget for a cruise holiday, since I know the costs up front. We drink water and do not have added fees, such as a beverage or alcohol package. We eat in the main dining room which is included, and forgo the pricey specialty restaurants which are not. Some cruise lines include shore excursions in their price and others alcohol with meals. Look carefully at what is included and do some comparison shopping.

I asked various singles if they felt lonely on a cruise over the holidays and their answers were a big “no.” On the various holiday and regular cruises, quite a few passengers are travelling on their own.

Bon Voyage!

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Coping with Divorce

Can Ex-Spouses Be Friends After Divorce?

Published on October 15, 2015November 11, 2018

The simple answer to the question of can exes be friends after divorce is….it depends.

Some people were great pals before marriage and want to continue this post-divorce. It is doable with these caveats.

Let there be some space between your divorce and picking up the friendship. Both parties may not be over hurts or harbour some resentment over the divorce process itself. One may be farther along on the divorce continuum of moving on, and the other is stuck and not catching up. Waiting a bit helps in establishing clear boundaries and avoiding the “friends with benefits.”

Jumping into bed immediately after divorce – when neither have sex partners – hampers starting separate lives.

Meet up again when not feeling lonely or craving intimacy. Enlarge your circle of acquaintances and business networks, plus renew old friendships. Feeling fulfilled with your social life fills the void left by a departing spouse.

Be proactive and inform your friends that you both are cool about your changed relationship and there is no need to take sides. Tell mutual friends that they are not being disloyal remaining in contact with the two of you. This alerts them that neither of you has to be dropped from their guest list nor is bumping into each other socially an issue.

Avoid meeting at your favourite places that you frequented when married.

Go to a new café or have more informal get-togethers at coffee houses. The point is not to relive your marriage when forging a new relationship with your former spouse. When the marital history is firmly anchored in the past, some divorced people claim that they are great judges of potential partners for their exes. They know these peoples’ strengths and weaknesses and can give an opinion on whether or not it is a good match.

When children are involved, make it clear to them that mummy and daddy are friendly, but are not getting back together again. Ever.

This is important so that the kids can accept a future step-parent.

It is lovely when both parents can share important moments and holidays with the youngsters. Children can feel more grounded when parents are not perceived as enemies, but rather being on good terms.

Take stock of your emotions. Maybe being friends with your former spouse is just not in the cards. Some couples are totally done with each other after a break up. Someone can have an ulterior motive in “Let’s be friends.” If something does not seem right, then pull back. You may need to take a breather to carefully evaluate your situation. Perhaps you both require a break from each other to gain some clarity in setting up boundaries for this changed relationship.

It could be that being friends is a no go. Do not let yourself be coerced into anything, and if friendship is on the agenda, it will happen.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

Dealing with Outsiders during Divorce

Published on September 30, 2015November 11, 2018

Divorce would be much easier if it were just between the couple and their solicitors or mediator.

“Helpful” people sometimes want to be in the midst of things and stir the pot. This would be similar to football teams such as Arsenal’s or Manchester United’s players taking instruction from the spectators during matches, instead of from their coaches.

Shakespeare said “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players” and a controlling friend is the director of your divorce drama.

People going through divorce are more vulnerable and needy, so it can be easier to go with the flow, allowing a friend to tell them what to do. Relying too heavily on another’s advice can backfire, since they are not privy to all of the financial and personal details. If that friend has a grievance against the other spouse, then suggestions can be destructive.

This situation is especially challenging when it is your spouse who is on the receiving end of unsolicited advice and it is interfering with your divorce. How you proceed depends upon several factors, such as how the relationship is with your partner. Is it amicable or contentious?

Could you go somewhere low key, such as a coffee house and express your concern? If so, keep a businesslike demeanor and use “I” statements, starting out with something positive. “I think it’s great that we both have friends to help us get through this, but I wonder if Maisy isn’t becoming a little too involved in our personal situation.”

Perhaps agree on what stays private and what can be shared. Are there any mutual friends who can intervene? Maybe they also have a similar opinion of this friend and would be agreeable to discussing this with your spouse. Avoid a direct confrontation with the influential friend.

Speak to your solicitor, especially in collaborative divorce where both work together to move the couple through the divorce process.

Privately share this concern with the mediator about your spouse’s toxic friend who is pitting her against you. If this person seems to be on a smear campaign against you, this may be slander, which is making false accusations. This is a legal matter which may need to be addressed by your solicitor. If the spouse will not say anything to the friend, the legal professional might do so, so that the divorce is not sabotaged.

Consider seeing a divorce coach who can help you form strategies on how to deal with this situation. It is important to exercise which decreases anxiety and to eat nutritious foods, Get out with pals and vent. Have some fun to keep yourself from dwelling upon this. Reduce your stress, whether by meditation, massages or whatever does the trick for you. When you are in optimal condition, it is easier to deal with these specific stressors.

Maybe you are the one who is leaning too heavily on someone else who may not have your best interest at heart. They may present as an expert or insist that you follow their advice.

If you find yourself in the position of not being able to make a move without their input, then it is time to put some distance between you.

If your friend seems fixated upon your divorce, say you want to talk about other topics. Spend more time with others, including family members. Take a mini-holiday and go somewhere to think about your situation, by yourself. Or go with a group of friends for laughs and a long weekend away.

For either situation, consider enrolling in a divorce workshop, support group, or class. You will not feel so alone when interacting with others who are in a divorce situation too. Someone else in the divorce support group may be facing similar problems and you two can compare notes and come up with a solution.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Coping with Divorce

Empowerment in Divorce

Published on September 23, 2015September 14, 2019

Being empowered in divorce is the opposite from viewing oneself as a victim.

It is the difference from being in a place of strength to feeling out of control during and post-divorce.

Assess what you can control and what is out of your hands. You may be surprised that you really do have more input in your proceedings and can take a more active role.

Speak to your solicitor or mediator about what you want to get out of the divorce, preferably also in writing for their future reference.

I know a few acquaintances that felt helpless and just went with the flow, instead of being assertive. They are kicking themselves now post-divorce.

Empower yourself with knowledge.

A great site that answers many divorce questions is www.gov.uk and gives a glimpse of what to expect. Look up on calculate-your-child-maintenance the calculator which indicates what to expect for child maintenance in your situation.

Knowing what to anticipate ahead of time lets you think about Plan B. If you will be the receiver, and the amount seems too low, have a list ready of what else could be thrown in – sports, camp fees or other activities to be included as child support.

If you are the payer, offer more in spousal maintenance which is a tax break for you, and less in child maintenance, which is not. Being empowered is having an idea what you are up against in divorce and forming plans on how to deal with it.

Empowerment in Divorce – Take up painting again

One fellow who survived an acrimonious divorce suggests having a “victory garden.” Grow some vegetables – even in containers- to show the children that you are self-sufficient. Putting food on the table that you grew is another way to feel empowered. The added bonus is nurturing living things takes the focus off your problems and on to what is thriving in your care.

Uncertain financial footing can put someone in a tail spin.

One woman took her personal items, engagement ring, and family heirlooms to a business who sells goods online. She did this after her husband walked out and before she had hired a solicitor. She felt empowered going into the divorce, since cash would be coming soon.

Some solicitors advise their clients to get a job during divorce so that they feel more in control. Not only does this boost their self-esteem, but enables them to feel more secure during the proceedings when they know they have earning power.

Think about what your talents are and in what areas you excel.

Take up painting again as several divorce people did or get back into baking, sports, etc. Finding what you are good at and enjoying these endeavours, increases your self-worth and self-esteem.

One way another person tries to be in a place of power is by taking some else’s away and tearing them down. This is harder for them to do when you are recognizing and getting positive feedback on your strengths. Are you excellent in some of your roles? This may be as the star on your work team, being a great son, community volunteer, or parent. Visualize how well you are doing in these relationships when feeling helpless in divorce.

Be kind and nurture yourself to be in a position of strength.

Exercise, get plenty of sleep and eat nutritiously, even if it is healthy take-away. If you are sleep deprived, have low blood sugar, ready to cry or explode, this is going to hinder being empowered in divorce. Get centred, and take your time in responding, to keep yourself in a place of power during divorce and co-parenting.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Children of Divorce

Nurturing Children after Divorce

Published on September 10, 2015November 11, 2018

Small gestures make a big difference to children with helping them adjust to divorce.

The overwhelming response from kids of divorce was routines make life more enjoyable. Their world is drastically changing and now they are dealing with loss. Divorce itself changes people’s schedules and turns lives upside down. A weekly routine puts constancy and lightness back into their environment.

Several boys mentioned getting an ice cream regularly with their parent brought predictability and gave them something to anticipate. This is easy enough to do with a youngster, perhaps every Friday after school nip into a shop on the way home for this luscious treat.

A little girl goes to a bakery and sips hot chocolate piled high with whipped cream, while she chats to mum about her week. Yes, she could say this at home, but this time is free from distraction and she gets undivided attention.

One boy said about once a month his mum took him to the cinema at the mall and they each got a slice of pizza.

What actions may seem trivial to you can mean a great deal to the child.

NURTURING CHILDREN AFTER DIVORCE — Several boys mentioned getting an ice cream regularly with their parent.

It is time spent with children rather than buying them trinkets and gadgets that is most important, as was explained by one boy. Memories of playing board games and picnics in the park got him through his parents’ acrimonious divorce, not more junk.

It can be tempting to try to make up for sadness that comes with divorce, by giving kids a bounty of material goods. What youngsters crave is your attention.

My son works in a restaurant and witnesses on a daily basis parents glued to their smartphones and totally ignoring the kids. Of course then kids act up for attention and get yelled at. Do not spoil these lovely routines with the little ones, by paying more attention to whomever you are texting then you do to them.

Once a month, my mother took me out to breakfast at a beautiful downtown hotel near my school. We feasted on freshly squeezed orange juice and other delectables while gazing out into their lovely garden. I cherished this kind act of my divorced mother.

Seems like most of the rituals that divorce families enjoy revolve around food. Some have weekly spaghetti nights or pizza in with a movie. Small, but much appreciated gestures to kids, are routinely watching boxed sets, such as “Breaking Bad.” It does not take up much time out of a busy schedule to do these little things with the children.

Some people do a yearly ritual, such as a long weekend at the seaside.

There are some great deals in the UK as well as on the continent. Others pick a particular time each year and go back home to visit family and friends. The kids enjoy this annual holiday and keeping in touch with others.

I used to take my sons to an amusement park yearly and knowing we would have this fun, made it easier to get through some visitation issues. My sons enjoyed going to a coffee shop on bank holidays when there was no school.

Ask your kids what they would enjoy on a regular basis. Divorce and the aftermath can be difficult and building scheduled fun into your lives is a big stress buster. Think of these treats and time spent together as a necessary way to improve family ties, well-being and health.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Relationship in Trouble

Children Coping with Infidelity

Published on August 25, 2015November 11, 2018

Parents may feel that they are dealing with infidelity in a private way that keeps children out of it.

Youngsters are smarter than you think and do notice sobs, tension and discussions in hushed tones.

Their vivid imaginations may conjure up worst case scenarios, such as a dying parent or the collapse of their world. They realize that something is going on between parents, which takes infidelity out of only being in the couple’s realm and enters it into the family arena.

As a school nurse, I can vouch that kids listen to arguments through closed doors and then they compare notes with each other, sometimes forming erroneous conclusions.

While I applaud parents’ motivation to hide issues from children – pretending that all is okay rarely works.

Particularly with younger kids – let them know that there is a problem between you two. Reassure them that you are working on it as a team and talking it over with a counsellor (if applicable) for the best outcome. Then when they overhear discussions, kids realize parents are seeking a resolution. Reassure children no matter what the outcome will be, that both parents will take care of them and they are loved.

Teens may demand to know specifically what the problem is, or may ask point blank, “Is Jack more than a friend to mum?” Not answering a direct question regarding an affair can build a wall of distrust when it glaringly is the issue. That said, teens and adult offspring are not entitled to any details whatsoever. A simple “yes and we are dealing with it” will suffice. Do not use adult offspring as confidants or your support system. Do not put children of any age in a tug-of war over loyalty or make them choose sides. Express your sadness and anger to friends or a therapist.

There were three sisters in a primary school where I used to work who regularly came to my office with complaints of stomach or headaches.

During the year when each needed to go home due to vomiting on separate occasions, they begged me not to call a certain person on the approved list for school pick up.

A woman was listed as a “family friend.” The girls each explained that she was “daddy’s girlfriend” and refused to leave school if I called her, even when dad was out of town and mum was doing patient care and had difficulty leaving her job. They became agitated when discussing the “family friend.” This whole situation was not fair to these girls.

At a different primary school, a six year old and his mum arrived home and there was dad having sex with another woman.

Although the lad has had counselling, he is still having behavioural issues at school. When Ben gets antsy, we take a walk or run a few laps around the track. His mum is undecided about getting a divorce and there is much drama going on at home. A child does not need to be in the fall out of his parents’ unfortunate situation.

Children want to see their parents treat each other respectfully.

They do not want one parent to be cast as the villain and the other as the victim. They do not want to be caretakers to someone in a crisis and need to be nurtured instead.

Simple explanations without blame are best with some updates. For example, if it seems as if one parent may be moving out, give an advance warning to the kids. Coming home to a half empty house can be a shock.

If kids need a breather from parents handling infidelity, consider a week at the grandparents’ house or some other place with caring adults.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

Dating After Divorce – Why do Opposites Attract?

Published on August 17, 2015November 11, 2018

Sometimes dating one’s opposite adds spice to a relationship or in other cases, tears it apart.

The trick is knowing when someone is quirky vs. not the right match at all.

Lust or the heady feeling of being in love can blind some to potential problem spots. Having one’s head in the sand like an ostrich does not make problems go away, but rather delays dealing with them.

Whether it is being of different religions, ideology or life philosophies, issues need to be addressed before rushing to the alter.

An example of opposites working out differences and being happily married for fifty years is Violet and Terrence.

She is city girl who loathes camping out, doing long treks, or white water rafting. Her outdoorsy husband releases his inner mountain man by long hikes and sleeping rough in the wild. They cherish each other and learned to compromise. They bought a luxurious camper van with all mod cons including a cosy kitchen.

This couple takes short hikes together and she happily reads while Terrence does the arduous ones solo. I have joined his camping trips staying in tents for white water rafting adventures. Violet keeps busy with extended family while Terrance is away on these short jaunts. They both taught me to cross country ski. Violet is happy for the gentle nudge to enjoy being out in nature.

There are some fundamental issues that sometimes cannot be resolved.

A former co-worker of mine is an in-your-face vegetarian who had married a carnivore. She ended up getting a divorce and it had not helped their relationship by having hunters on his family tree.

Sometimes opposite temperaments and interests are the death knoll for relationships.

My former fiancé was an introvert and I am an extrovert. I love to dance and he would rather stick a pin in his hand than get up on the dance floor. His idea of a perfect evening was staying in and mine was socializing. Although this is not what broke us up, I realized that our opposite preferences would not have worked out well in the long run.

No one is going to tick all of the boxes on our wish list. However, being in alignment with ethics, values, interests helps.

If you sense that your dating partner may not want to be a vagabond and you are not a homebody, then a frank discussion is in order.

Pre-marital counselling is highly recommended for the second time around to ensure you understand each other’s positions. In the earlier phase of dating, if there is a sticky issue it can be helpful to discuss it with a neutral third party, whether a family friend, clergy or life coach.

If the issue is a deal breaker for each of you, it is better to discover that before putting in more time or energy into the relationship. Talking with friends can help give insight to your dating situation.

If something does not feel right when dating, then step back and analyse what is trying to grab your attention.

Still your mind through meditation, a walk through the woods or whatever grounds you. Maybe take a break and go away for a short holiday to think things over.

People in long-term marriages tend to have a sense of humour, compromise and respect the person even if they have an opposite viewpoint. Dating a person who is your opposite can expose you to exciting new adventures, however it is crucial to maintain good communication.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

Feeling Stuck in Divorce

Published on August 11, 2015November 11, 2018

We can go cruising through divorce and all of a sudden hit a speed bump and become stuck.

This can come as a surprise when everything seemed to be going quite well.

We do not move at an even pace on the continuum of the divorce process, so may be lingering in one part of it a bit longer. One may not realize that they are stuck and not moving on until receiving feedback from others.

A clue is when people start to avoid you, change the subject quickly or get a glazed look in their eyes.

Children are more blunt when a parent is stuck, stating “Dad, can’t you talk about something else?” or “Mummy why do you keep harping on your maintenance?”

If particularly having only one topic of conversation (a former spouse for example), then that can be a symptom of being stuck.

When stuck, get some sound advice from people who are experts in the area of your specific problem. If stuck in the division of assets – get your own financial advisor to guide you in what is best for your needs.

If you both are at loggerheads over the amount of shared care time split between you, consider bringing a custody evaluator on board. Our custody evaluator did a battery of personality tests for all four of us and interviewed us separately. My spouse and I signed a binding agreement that we would abide by her decision regarding custody. This also took the pressure off our collaborative solicitors in this contentious divorce.

moving on after divorce — Feeling Stuck in Divorce

Our marital house had to be renovated before it could be sold during our divorce. The problem was that my sons and I were still living there, because the financial institution that I had used for two decades, turned me down for a mortgage and I could not move house.

Realizing that I was stuck in a bad situation which was delaying our divorce, I sought out advice from the real estate agent.

He then sent me to a friend who dealt with finding a mortgage company for home buyers. The glitch was that mortgage companies did not want to take a perceived risk when they did not know what my alimony would be post-divorce.

Our divorce financial advisor worked with him and finally a mortgage company agreed to a loan. I sought assistance from the right person (realtor). While the life coach was invaluable for coming up with strategies to reduce my stress, she was not the person to loan me money or get me a house. Pick who is best to help you for each situation. Some people visualize the solution and work backwards to achieve it.

Some folks get stuck in grief for ending their partnership and former way of life. Being single was not on their agenda and the loneliness is overwhelming to them.

They may become clinically depressed and that hinders them from reaching out to others. Therapy or grief counselling can be a way to crawl out of this black hole and start to enjoy life again.

Others are stuck in old patterns which may have included entertaining as a duo and socializing with other couples.

A divorce coach can help break these patterns and form new ones, such as how to expand one’s social network.

Being stuck is a temporary state, not a permanent address.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

Leave Guilt Behind in Divorce

Published on August 6, 2015November 11, 2018

We may live in guilt for what we did or did not do while still married.

We might think we could have tried harder to salvage the marriage or feel guilt over not putting it out of its misery earlier.

Let the feeling of guilt be a wakeup call that something needs to be changed and use it as an indicator to embark on another course of action. One cannot go back into the past like Dr Who, so being stuck in guilt is a blockade to having a fulfilling life now.

One young man is an example of this and feels guilty that he did not try harder and undergo marital counselling before calling it quits.

Guilt is holding him back from committing to his new partner.

On a positive note, guilt is pushing him into having a strong relationship with his former spouse as a co-parent. His two children are reaping the benefits of having two parents on the same team.

Sometimes guilt is dumped upon someone although it is their choice whether or not to accept it. Several women said their husbands married them mainly for their looks. After a baby or two, they gained weight and a few wrinkles. At first they felt guilty when spouses insinuated that they were breaking a deal (to look good). After their divorces, they are comfortable with their bodies and increased their self-esteem.

During my hypnotherapy training, our New Age instructor said that the Catholics got it right regarding guilt. They make mistakes (sins), report them (confess) and do reparations (say a Hail Mary or two). They wipe the slate clean and go on their way.

He challenged us to come up with our own rituals to banish guilt.

First acknowledge its presence and determine what it is telling us. Perhaps we are chronically snapping at the kids or have been ignoring elderly family members. Make amends. Apologize to the youngsters and explain that you are feeling overwhelmed. Then add some fun activities into your schedule with them. Visit or at least call relatives who may be feeling left out of your busy life.

Whatever is troubling you, face it, deal with it and move on.

The secret is not to wallow in guilt but view it as a messenger to approach life or people in a different way. Someone may be punishing themselves over guilt when other people did not feel that they were mistreated at all. We can be hard on ourselves and our worst enemy.

One friend felt guilty that she did not spend more time with her mother before her death from breast cancer. She was caught up in her wedding plans which her mother understood, and was fine with the situation. My friend was able to let go of this guilt by becoming a mostly stay-at-home mum, cherishing family togetherness.

If you have chronic guilt, consider discussing this with someone. When I am on a guilt trip, my friends set me straight and I readjust my outlook. Guilt keeps one partly living in the past, so apologize, make extra donations to charity, anything to release guilt and move on.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Your Divorce Stories

Two Divorces and a Sociopath

Published on July 24, 2015November 11, 2018

Sometimes we pick the wrong partner due to inexperience and youth, or because someone’s true colours show up later.

Alice admits to being the personification of the cliché “Love is blind.”

When Alice was quite young she married a Vietnam veteran who had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and he self-medicated with marijuana.

In the era of anti-war protests, this couple’s friends were other veterans and their wives. Her husband’s war buddies also were stoners. Alice said that she was too young and meek to make a stand that this was unacceptable to her.

When the group gift at their sons’ first birthday party was a bag of pot, that was a wakeup call for Alice that this situation was out of control. They divorced after three years of marriage. She now warns others not to think you can change or fix someone after marriage.

Alice and her young son moved across country where she got a job at a university. She developed an acute medical condition which required surgery. Then her mother and close friend died while she was recovering which added to her misery. Alice’s child support was minimal and she struggled financially as a single parent.

Henry, a professor in her department, reached out to Alice in her vulnerable state.

Henry helped her financially and emotionally as she was trying to cope. Henry became Alice’s mentor, lifeline and then husband. He excelled in the caretaker role – helping Alice get through her medical crisis and mourning.

When Alice felt better, this couple adopted a toddler. Alice metamorphosed from a victim into a strong person and an equal partner in the marriage. She voiced her opinions. Henry did not want to step out of his role as caretaker and advisor. He did not like sharing his power and became a “bully” to Alice and the children.

He was emotionally and physically abusive. She got another divorce.

Alice felt that she was a good judge of character and had learned quite a few life lessons from her two marriages.

A charming, caring man who oozed charisma entered into Alice’s life. She fell in love (or lust) and allowed him to move in with them.

When Alice and her sons were away visiting family, her boyfriend stole all that was of value in her home. He disappeared before their return.

Her suspicion that this charmer may be a sociopath was confirmed when the police contacted her. The con man had a string of crimes and there was a warrant for his arrest. His police record showed past convictions for theft and assaults.

Alice moved house and changed her phone number as a precaution. Alice suggests doing a police check on a new beau to make sure they do not have a criminal record.

Alice finally learned to take it slowly when dating and not to rush into marriage. She met a kind man and took her time getting to know him. They have been wed over a decade and are very happy. Once Alice made it past the five year mark, she started to relax and knew this relationship would last.

Alice shared these bits of wisdom.

Do not marry so young and do not go along with someone’s vices.

When one is going through a trauma – do not get married in the middle of it. Wait until you are back on your feet and can properly assess your feelings. Marrying your rescuer or caretaker can backfire once you have recovered.

When someone comes on too strongly or quickly – this is a red flag. When one’s self-worth has taken a beating during an abusive marriage this contributes to being extra susceptible to flattery and being taken in by a sociopath.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Children of Divorce

Divorce Parents and Visitation Rights

Published on July 21, 2015September 14, 2019

It is maddening, not to mention illegal when one parent prevents the other one from seeing their children.

Studies indicate that children do better academically and with their behaviour when both parents are in the picture. The key is to remedy this situation and reconnect with the kids as soon as possible.

Hindering visitation is violating the parenting plan and has legal ramifications. Being behind in child support is not a reason to be banned from contact with the little ones.

Document. Document. Document. This is crucial in building a case, particularly when taking legal action. Save all texts, voice and e-mails and jot down the times and dates of conversations. Keep records of any contact with your ex.

Some parents have a calendar which they write on when they have visitation and when they have been blocked from it.

Try to communicate and work with your former partner on why visitation is being disrupted. Let them know that you are willing to listen to their concerns.

Could there be any validity to their accusations – that you are chronically late returning the youngsters or sometimes cancel at the last minute?

See if it is possible to negotiate a new visitation agreement that meets the kids’ needs in a better way. Remember the goal of shared care time is what is in the best interests of the children – not the parents.

If you are told that the kids do not want to see you, remind the co-parent that visitation is to take place unless legally stopped.

Parental alienation may be happening with the other parent lying or telling the kids that you stopped contact. Parental alienation’s goal is to turn the children away from the absent parent and get him/her to go away.

Go to the Cafcass officer or to your mediator/solicitor to take legal action and have visitation enforced. Petition the court to have the kids see a therapist or divorce coach for possible parental alienation and to discuss their concerns in this divorce situation.

Talking to a neutral third party is beneficial for the kids especially when they have been told lies which damaged their relationship with you.

Are there mutual friends that can intervene or let the children know that both parents love them? Are you on good terms with any former in-laws who may be able to knock some sense into the other parent’s head?

Consider if the other parent is a flight risk, especially if they are from a country outside of the EU. It may be prudent to discuss this with passport control and a solicitor to prevent the other parent from kidnapping the kids and going into hiding.

Make sure to take care of yourself and your health. It may be helpful to discuss your frustration with a divorce coach. Maintain your social network to provide support for you during this trying time. Exercise is a great way to release anxiety. Nurture yourself so you have the energy to pursue action and reunite with your children.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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