Wishing you a very Merry Christmas
and as
wonderful a 2018 as can be!
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Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine
Every divorce presents a turning point in a child’s life no matter the age.
The world as they know it changes and becomes another place that, temporarily or otherwise, is perceived as unstable, uncertain and even ugly.
For the parents, the bottom line is that a “failed” marriage leads to other losses: loss of financial stability, assets (e.g. the family home), loss of the future they had once planned for.
For the child, it’s a huge bag of losses too as, aside from the family unit they once knew, the repercussions of their parents’ divorce can continue for years.
The effects of divorce on your child’s entire being can span from mild to acute. And when we speak of ‘mild’ we mean a reaction that is so mild that you may miss it and it’s only when someone else points it out to you that you realise that yes, indeed there has been a change or an impact.
The impact of divorce on children can also range from short-term to long-term.
I recall hearing a man being interviewed on the radio, stating that his parents’ divorce was the most difficult time in his life, despite the fact that he had lost his mother, whom he loved dearly, just a couple of years prior to the interview. The effects of his parents’ divorce, he said, were still with him mainly because of the way his parents treated one another post-divorce.
- Children from the same family may be affected differently by the experience of your divorce
- None of the effects apply to all children of divorce. Some may be more common than others, while others quite rare
- No child has ever suffered from all the effects of divorce.
There is, for instance, the fact that the children have seen their parents go from being married and living together to breaking up, living separately and perhaps even getting involved in more frequent and intense arguments.
The children witness the changes that occur in their parents too: their desperation, their crying and their anger. They get to see a side of their parents they probably didn’t know existed before.
They also have to learn how to live without the continuous presence of one parent while they live with the other. A vacuum and void have been created in their daily lives.
“In the personal history of the boy or girl, parental divorce is a watershed event. Life that follows is significantly changed from how life was before.”
-Dr Carl Pickhardt
Here’s a brief summary of some of the effects of divorce on children aged up to 9 and those aged 9 – 13 years.
| Up to 9 | From 9–13 |
| As family is still very much the focus of their lives – both social and in the home – there may be more need for parental care, e.g. crying at bedtimes, more clinginess than usual, and an increase in or re-emergence of tantrums | With your 9+ child you may notice an almost sudden rush to independence, greater self-sufficiency, a need to spend more time with friends and others outside the family, and taking care of his own needs when at home, including putting him/herself to bed |
| Some regression in abilities and milestones recently achieved, e.g. tying of shoelaces, eating habits, bedwetting (necessitating more parental care) | The response here may be one of anger, aggression and rebellion. He may want to get back at his parents for breaking up his life |
| Believes and wishes that parents could get back together – and this could last a while | Able to accept and come to terms with the divorce and separation much more quickly |
| Separation anxieties may be evident during transition from one parent to the other as well as at school drop-off | Likely to be indifferent to or discount family rules and discipline |
| Has a strong need to feel the family connection once again, and is very likely to see the divorce as their fault | May show their distress by withdrawing into themselves and avoiding time with the family |
| Difficulty in concentrating at school | Difficulty in concentrating at school |
If you’re concerned about your child do contact me and let’s get it all sorted.
soila@parentinglives.co.uk – 07850 85 60 66
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If you have never heard of Brené Brown the we urge you to find her, read her, listen to her and see why these are our 5 favourite quotes.
It was hard, very tough, excruciatingly difficult to make the choice of which quote to pick and which to drop.
Brené Brown is an American scholar, author, and public speaker, who is currently a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work.
She researches courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. You can see watch her here – Ted Talks
Here’s her website – brenebrown.com
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Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine
I often say that it’s ok for your children to see you upset when going through divorce and separation.
It is important for them to know that you too are hurting because by knowing this and by showing your emotions, you are inadvertently giving them permission to feel the pain and hurt that the divorce process gives rise to and also just to show them that you are indeed human after all.
It’s usually very difficult for a child, especially a sensitive one, to watch his mother cry or father fall apart and not do anything about it or feel that they are somehow responsible for the sadness or breakdown.
They will very often do their best to rectify the situation by taking care of you, in the best way that they know; asking you if you’re all right, if they can get you something or do something to make you feel better.
This is a very normal reaction to a specific situation but allowing it to become the norm or to persist, you’re changing your child’s life trajectory.
When a child become a caregiver they become your advisor, your mentor, the person looking after you. This set-up is definitely not conducive to helping children cope with divorce.
When a parent makes a statement like, “I rely on Sophia to make me feel better. She takes care of me. She’s the only one who understands me,” the first question that comes to my mind is, “And whom does Sophia turn to? What does Tom do with his own feelings and thoughts of fear, confusion and loss?
The answer to this is most likely that she suppresses them or blocks them because there is nowhere else to take them. There is no adult container for their adverse and undesirable thoughts and feelings. There is no outlet, no vent so how are they coping with divorce.
Your child’s role has changed.
“When a child turned caregiver tries to attend to her own needs and wishes, she feels guilty and undeserving…When a child forfeits her childhood and adolescence to take on responsibilities for a parent, her capacity to enjoy her life as a young person, develop close friendships and cultivate shared interests is sacrificed…it is an overburdening that seriously inhibits the child’s freedom to separate normally and to lead a healthy adolescence…”[1]
So, it is okay for your child to see you cry, be distressed and upset because fact is that the divorce process is a difficult journey for all to be on.
It is beneficial and advantageous for them to know that you are hurting too but, hard as it maybe, we need to continue being the parents and the adults in the room, the container and processor of your child’s feelings of anxiety, fear and confusion in seeing the family unit he once knew disintegrate into something unfamiliar and foreign.
[1] Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J., and Blakeslee, S.,(2002), ‘The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study.’
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I cannot tell you how many of my adult friends went through some truly traumatic experiences as children which they never told their parents about until much later, if at all.
Yet one thing almost every one of them has said at some point or other is that they’re surprised their parents never noticed the changes in their behaviour caused by their experience.
Truth be told, all children will experience some sort of distressful experience at some point or other.
Some will see their parents divorce or separate, some will lose a close friend or parent through various circumstances whereas some will be victims of bullying or witnesses to a traumatic event.
Whatever your child goes through, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings and answer their questions. Children will ask about things they need and want to know and understand. They seek clarification and explanation of what they don’t get.
As a parent or guardian, when your child is hurting:
• Are you able to feel what they may be experiencing including their emotional struggles?
• Do you listen to your child with empathy and compassion?
• Are you able to verbally acknowledge and validate their feelings of distress to them?
You may wonder why any of this is important to do.
Well, simply put, when you contain your children’s feelings and emotions they develop feelings of security and safety. They learn how to trust their own feelings as opposed to doubt if what they’re feeling is right or justified and I’m sure you will agree that learning to trust your own feelings is one of the greatest qualities an adult can possess.
The thing is, if and when their feelings of hurt are not acknowledged and taken care of, not only will their ability to recover from this experience be impacted, but so will their development.
Saying things like, “I’m sorry it happened”, “It’s normal and ok to feel sad when things like these happen”, and “It’s ok to cry” can go a long way in helping them cope.
Remember, you can say this to infants too. They may not respond as you would expect but that doesn’t mean they cannot hear you nor the concern and care in the tone of your voice. Talk to them.
Where feelings are persistently left unattended to or recognised, your child may instead learn to do the following as a means of coping:
- stop or bury their own feelings
- learn not to trust their own feelings
- learn to introject or identify with other people’s feeling instead of their own which may in turn mean that the life choices that they end up making are based more on other people’s feelings and wishes as opposed to their own
When your child is hurting, they will show you, probably more than tell you. Changes in their actions, behaviours and temperament may be more visible indicators that there’s something wrong. Ask them. Tell them that you have noticed there have been some changes in them. Bring it out into the open.
They need to know that you know. They need to know that you are aware and that you care. Ask them and take care of it for them.
Let me know how I can help – soila@parentinglives.co.uk
ABOUT SOILA
Soila is a Child Development Psychologist, accredited Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) parenting practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator. She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.
Soila is a member of Resolution and a graduate member of the British Psychological Society.
Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.
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Author of
The Power of Now
Here are some of our usual Friday quotes. These are all from Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now and A New Earth – Awakening the Purpose in your Life. We, at TDM, felt that they would be quite appropriate in helping people going through divorce in coping with divorce and the divorce process. If you have a favourite Eckhart Tolle quote share it with us.
Boredom, anger, sadness, or fear are not ‘yours,’ not personal. They are conditions of the human mind. They come and go. Nothing that comes and goes is you.
There is a fine balance between honoring the past and losing yourself in it. For example, you can acknowledge and learn from mistakes you made, and then move on and refocus on the now. It is called forgiving yourself.
Acceptance looks like a passive state, but in reality it brings something entirely new into this world. That peace, a subtle energy vibration, is consciousness.
To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.
The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.
Discontent, blaming, complaining, self-pity cannot serve as a foundation for a good future, no matter how much effort you make.
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Here are some Brené Brown quotes that we, at TDM, hope will help in coping with divorce and moving on from a broken relationship.
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Ongoing friction and conflict between divorcing and/or separating parents is very common when going through divorce.
Unfortunately what is common too, is the reaction or behaviour of some parents who choose to use their children to get to the other parent probably due to the murderous rage they carry towards their ex.
If you’re the parent at the receiving end, it’s vital to realise and accept that you can only influence your own parenting style.
You can only change and manage what is going on in your own home.
This may mean that you are the one left to pick up the pieces when your children are put in situations that are not conducive to their well-being and this can be a tough arduous and at times very long journey to embark on.
To continue being the parent who provides a sense of security by maintaining proper boundaries and limits no matter what may mean that each time you’re with your child, each time they come to stay with you, you have to almost start all over again, because you have to undo the adverse and detrimental words they have heard said about you in the other home.
During this time, you need to aim to reduce children’s exposure to any ongoing acrimony or conflict and avoid taking in the stress that is associated with the divorce and separation into your own parenting lives too much otherwise it will affect how consistently, available, how positive you are likely to be with your children.
Of course, all this is far, far easier said than done, but it is definitely not impossible.
I would suggest totally focusing on positively parenting your children and not rising up to what is coming from the outside in.
Avoid scoring points against the other parent or speaking disparagingly about them, as that not only rarely ever works but may actually drive a wedge between your child and you.
Sounds regimental, but do document positive things that you do with your children by taking photos of fun times, writing things down etc.
Might sound obvious or silly right now, but I have worked with parents whose children hold almost no positive memories of their times together because they have all been “erased” by the other parent.
Look after yourself by reaching out to people who can help and support you during this difficult time. Acknowledge your anxieties and worries and deal with them appropriately, including being ready to see a therapist or counsellor, so that you do not have those negative and powerful emotions trickle or pour into your parenting ways.
If one parent isn’t putting the children first, then all the more reason why they will need you to do that for the children. To look after them by being consistent, and available and have those boundaries and limits well in place.
If you’re struggling with this aspect of your divorce and/or separation, then do speak with me. There are ways to work around this using various techniques including Triple P – Positive Parenting Program.
0785-085 60 66
soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk
If you know anyone who is going through divorce or separation and is concerned about their children, please do share this with them.
ABOUT SOILA
Soila is a Child Development Psychologist, accredited Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) parenting practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator. She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.
Soila is a member of Resolution and a graduate member of the British Psychological Society.
Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.
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Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine
The beauty of poetry is not just the words, rhythm and images evoked in one’s mind. What I love about it is the difference in interpretation from one person to another, the disparate emotions it stirs in people (or not at all) and the discussions that arise from almost each one.
Below is a poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, that helped me in my post-divorce life. It made me decide to get better. I had to take look fixedly at the pain and hurt, acknowledge and wade through it then I had to see beyond that and keep moving. That was then.
Today, for me, it reads as though it’s a child of divorce writing or speaking to a parent.
For children, the career of a parent, the achievements of a mum or dad rarely ever take precedence over the care, support and containment that children require so much. All they ever want … is a parent.
A poem from a child to a parent.
The Invitation – Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine,
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.
By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved
http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/
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What is Parental Alienation?
Simply put, this is where a child consistently and persistently denigrates, insults or speaks disparagingly about or to one parent without justification due to various factors one of which is indoctrination, brainwashing and/or training by the other parent.
This is most frequently seen in divorce or separation cases where child custody is in dispute.
Parental alienation can be so severe that the child in question eventually holds no good or positive memories of the time he or she spent with the targeted parent. They show no guilt whatsoever in how they treat the targeted parent and at times, their behaviour can escalate to physical harm of the parent including spitting and hitting.
Parental alienation happens only when the denigration and insults come directly from the child.
At The Divorce Magazine, we have collected the top 5 quotes on PA and here they are:
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Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine
Divorce is simply not a license to destroy everything your ex stood for because if this is your stand, then you will inevitably being causing damage to your children too.
There is so much information out there nowadays that you surely cannot say that you didn’t know that your behaviour, word and actions during the divorce process or post-divorce are harming your children!
You cannot say that you weren’t aware that fighting it out in front of your little ones, or big ones only causes them anxiety and worry, that it can have long-term effects on them.
But just incase you are still not aware of what is causing your child distress, here are the 9 most common parent traps in divorce and separation:
- Parenting through Guilt: you begin to think that your child has been through enough because of the divorce/separation, so your boundaries, discipline and duties of guidance become lax. The world they knew has changed and if you parent through guilt, this changes their world even further. Stick to the previous routines and structures within your home as it provides with familiarity, normality and security.
- Giving your children too much information: you believe that they need to know the truth about what caused the split between you and your ex or that they need to know exactly what is going on with the divorce process including court dates, what your ex said about you, child maintenance payments etc. They don’t. All they need to know right now is that you love them, the divorce is in no way their fault and that you are the container of their worries, pain and anxiety.
- Using them to spy on the ex: then using any information provided to manipulate, influence or disrupt contact between your ex and your child. They don’t like to be questioned about the goings on in the other home. However subtly you think you’re doing it, they know what you’re up to. Just don’t do it. If you feel that you absolutely must know what is going on in the other home, then find your own spy, pay them or whatever but just leave your child out of it.
- Fighting it out in front of the children: there’s never, ever a good enough reason to fight it out in your child’s presence or within their earshot. A divorced friend of mine, recently told me me how he picked a fight with his ex at the parking lot of their son’s school. When I voiced my disapproval, his response was, “it’s ok, he is used to it by now.” When a child gets used to seeing you fight then you need to know that you are leading them into a very dangerous zone in their development and wellbeing.
- Transference of feelings: this is where you redirect the negative feelings that you hold towards your ex onto your children. You get angry with the your child because he would like to go out and do something but your ex has again failed to pay the child support. You get irritated by your child because she has your ex’s characteristics and mannerisms.
- Forcing you child to choose sides: maybe done blatantly or covertly e.g. “your dad is on the phone do you want to speak with him?” If your child knows that speaking with his dad is very likely to upset you then he won’t, so he chooses your side. How many parents have I heard saying that they would never force their child to do something she doesn’t want to e.g. see her dad or speak with him over the phone? Yet this same mum or dad will indeed force their child to have a bath, brush their teeth or do their homework whether they like it or not because that’s what a parent does. See where I’m going?
- Using your child for companionship/support: treating them as an adult companion. You confide in them about most things, from your financial situation to your emotional wellbeing and dating life. Just don’t do it and if they ask, let them know that somethings are for you and your friends.
- Using your child to get back at your ex: you do whatever you can to make sure that your ex has as little contact with your child as possible regardless of the fact that your child would like to see his father or mother. Your rage against your ex is blinding you to the needs of your child. Remember you ex is not your child’s ex. You involve your child in extra-curricular activities that fall on the day that she is supposed to see her mother. You withhold information from you ex regarding your child’s life e.g. parents’s evening, hospital appointments etc.
- Turning family events into pressure cookers: you are so unable to control the animosity between you, to the point where your child begins to dread his birthday, father’s day, mother’s day and so forth.
Be the better parent. Provide your child with the sort of life that gives him or her the space to continue being a child. Be the adult in the room and find your own means of coping with the rage the you carry towards your ex.
ABOUT SOILA
Soila is a Child Development Psychologist, accredited Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) parenting practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator. She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.
Soila is a member of Resolution and a graduate member of the British Psychological Society.
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine.
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Rasheed Ogunlaru, who has previously been feature in thedivorcemagazine.co.uk is a life coach business coach motivational speaker and author of Soul Trader: Putting the Heart Back into your Business
Rasheed helps people move forward in their life, in their career, their business and in their workplace.
Here’s an excerpt of our most recent interview:
There are many who have been through divorce or separation who now find themselves in a situation where they need to get back to work and they opt to become their own boss for whatever reason. Only thing is they don’t know what business to get involved in. What advice would you give them in terms of finding their direction?
Divorce can be difficult and challenging but sometimes the whole process can actually be one of blessings, one of positives in that it asks you to revaluate your whole life – “What am I doing in terms of my career, in terms of my work?” So the good thing is that it might give rise to these feelings of “actually I do want to do something but I’m not sure what”
So let’s deal with the people who perhaps want to be their own boss but don’t know how to go about it.
- Best starting point is to ask yourself a couple of things, “What’s really important in life and what’s important to you in a potential business?”
I ask that because there might be certain things in your life and life balance that are really important for instance, it might be your life circumstance, that you have children, maybe you’re a carer. There are certain things that you really need to be mindful off when you start thinking about a business including location, health and wellbeing and more so really the circumstances that you are in at that given moment.
- Then once you start zooming in on the business itself, what are the things that I am passionate about and what are my skills?
These are very important questions because the whole journey of starting up is going to be very difficult – its going to take time, it’s going to take energy and resources and resourcefulness.
You really need to think hard before starting something that you are not passionate about or where you do’t have skills for. It’s advisable to chat to other people you know and who are their own boss and ask them what they do, how they found their passion because there might be clues in there for you.
- What kind of personality? What kind of mindset?
Are you someone who needs certainty? Then starting your own business is not for you. If you need that guarantee of a paycheque then starting a business is not for you.
But if you are a self-starter, independent and resourceful, with a can-do attitude who doesn’t need that certainty then starting a business might be for you.
A lot of it is also about confidence and you need to be confident about your skills set. So if you have these qualities then you’re going to be well placed for business.
- Also looking at your own circumstance, with divorce in mind.
Was your divorce recent and very acrimonious, was it really costly, has it left you emotionally drained, is now the best time to set up your business or could you spend a bit more time looking into it, researching and preparing for it and then starting it when you feel really ready to get on with it.
Listen to the rest of the interview where Rasheed answers more questions including:
- What are the must dos when you are starting a business?
- Why is a business plan necessary when starting a business?
- Many people find networking quite intimidating and makes them feel slightly uncomfortable. Why is this a vital part of business start-up?
- What’s the difference between coaching and mentoring and which one should one work with initially?
For free resources from Rasheed click here – soul-trader.biz, where you will also find information on his networking for success workshops click here – http://rasaru.com/
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