life after divorce - Page 6

Coping with Life after Divorce – What to do Next

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

Divorce is tough for many reasons.

Not only are we dealing with the emotions and logistics and finances, but after the dust has settled, we may feel like our life’s plans have changed direction.

The life you planned and your vision of the future may disappear, leaving you with a feeling of not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

But when you feel like this, don’t panic! There is merely one thing you must remember.

You May Feel Lost Because Your Internal GPS is No Longer Working

So many of us had our entire lives invested in our marriage and our families. It was the lens with which we viewed the world. Our concept of being a spouse and a partner was our GPS.

Whatever decisions we made through our marriage– whether they were personal or professional – were seen within the context of, “Well, is it good for the marriage and is it good for the family?

When your marriage ends, that GPS and final destination are thrown out the window. But that doesn’t mean that you are destined to wander around in the dark.

We feel like we’re merely surviving and have not yet given ourselves the gift of dreaming again. We are so busy with dealing with the daily roller coaster of emotions and figuring out logistics and finances that we forget to do the one thing we must do.

Identifying that vision becomes our new final destination. And until we identify that vision for ourselves and then take the steps to get there, it is impossible to move forward.

You can go on auto-pilot and go through the daily motions of life, but it will be very hard to move on and reclaim the happiness you deserve unless you figure out your vision, and have a plan to get there. You must do this for yourself.

Need a little help? Here’s an exercise to start on getting rid of your roadblocks. Ask yourself the following questions.

What Do I Want?

If that question seems overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be! Some answers can be as simple as saying, “I want to be happy in my home,” or “I want to feel confident again.”

What is Stopping Me from Getting What I Want?

The things that are stopping us – the obstacles to our vision – are the daily BS things that we face and frustrate us. I want you to list those. Be honest and complete, but don’t spend too much time getting caught up in the obstacles. I know for me, those obstacles included the following:

I am staying in the home although he has left, but I don’t know how to shake the feeling that he is still “here.” There are pictures of us together, some of his books are here, and I feel like everything just seems frozen in time.

I didn’t feel great when we were having marital troubles, but now that I’m alone, I feel like my self-esteem is completely gone. I feel like I don’t have any purpose and it’s awful. How do I rebuild?

Once you have a few of those obstacles in mind, the fun part begins. You are going to learn how to kick those obstacles out of the way by coming up with an easy plan that erases them and gets you closer to your destination.

Start Overcoming Those Obstacles by Writing Down What You Plan to Do

You don’t need some crazy battle plan. It doesn’t need to be a PhD dissertation. All you need are some simple steps that you can start taking today. If you need some help, look at the quick plans I created for myself when I felt lost after my divorce.

Life After Divorce: An Obstacles-Be-Gone Plan

I am not feeling great about myself right now. There are several things I can do to change that. If I am not already seeing a therapist, or one that I really like, I will start searching and asking for recommendations to find someone who can work through this process with me.

I am also doing to do things for myself for a change. I am going to list things that I like to do – hobbies, physical activities – and will put them on a calendar so I remain accountable and committed to doing the things that I love. It’s time to put myself first.

The Road Ahead

Following this plan means you have done two awesome things for yourself. First, you now have something that sticks – something you can use to help boot out those silly roadblocks that are up in your face.

And second, you now know where you want to be. You have the vision of knowing what you want. You have identified your final destination. When you know your final destination and the steps to get there, nothing can stop you.

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives.

For your Free Divorce Warrior Survival Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com. You can also visit her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/survivingyoursplit.

 

You might be interested in

Divorce Counselling

How Divorce Counselling Helped me Cope with Divorce

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

There it was, Pat’s name tucked under the most recent obituaries in the local newspaper.

Her name, short list of relatives, loved her dog, and a successful career as a social worker. Nowhere in the obituary did it say she saved lives. I know she did because she saved mine.

It was more than 20 years ago when I first met Pat.

I was raggedly stitched together emotionally when a very astute older friend identified my emotional abuse and suggested I start seeing Pat.

Emotional abuse is odd in that there are no visible scars. It all happens so insidiously, behind closed doors. I remember vividly the sense of isolation and the lack of self- worth. Back then all I did was wake up every day and hope I could hold myself together for another day in my marriage.

It was her smile I first remember, and eyes that lit up. I felt so at ease from the moment we met. She became an integral part of my life for the next two and a half years through my separation and divorce.

I recall many days when all I could do was numb myself until I got to the appointment at the end of the work day. It was a time in my life when I felt that pieces of me were scattered to the wind like bits of paper and I was running wildly to try to catch them.

I asked her how the perpetrators of emotional abuse feel about their actions. With a nefarious apathy, he saw me in emotional shreds and didn’t stop. She expressed concern for his ulterior motive.

Looking through my journals from that time I see an insecure, immature woman who believed every criticism and insult. They reflect a firm belief that my duty was to prop up his fragile ego. The scam of his mid- life crisis had hung over our marriage for years. It was a crisis alright but had no relation to his mid- life.

I didn’t know how to be me anymore. For years my life had been dedicated to looking younger, slimmer, prettier, anything to make myself acceptable in his eyes. Everything was my fault.

Naïve enough to believe my wedding vows, I was stunned to find my married life had all been a duplicitous lie. Stunned is maybe too banal a word. Shattered probably best describes it. My journal notes Pat said ‘none of the self -help books describes the intricate depth of deception that shaped my married life.’

Pat knew when to guide me, when to let me stumble, always helped to pick me up and keep me moving forward. More than twenty years later and some of her words of wisdom and comfort are still with me.

Pat knew when to listen and when to cajole me forward. She believed in me. The duplicity had made me feel that my married life had been unreal. She was the one who identified my marriage ‘ was real to me ‘ and anything beyond that was out of my control.

Methodically, Pat began to help me stitch my new life together. Emotional abuse recovery carries attributes of a post traumatic marriage disorder with triggers, dark times and risky behaviours. It takes enormous effort to claw your way back to reality.

Pat told me it was not my fault. Very few situations where the blame can be placed on only one partner but it was his life choices and deceit that had destroyed our family life. I was shocked. I had lived with repulsion in his eyes for so many years.

Pat was a woman with incredible patience. There was no pressure to get better fast. Just encouragement and hope. It had been years since I felt hope.

The challenge was to see a future. I had spent years absorbed in my partner’s perceived problems. There was never anything left over for me, believing as I did, if he got enough attention then my life would go back to the fairy tale I thought I lived.

Pat helped me to see and accept that there had never been a fairy tale. It was a deception from the beginning.

I stumbled in so many different ways, making bad choices, and then more bad choices. Through it all she never gave up on me. Feeling very much a lost soul, I muddled my way emotionally for a while.

Every week I would show up at Pat’s office. Eventually life started to lay down new tracks. The ground appeared again. She helped me with those painful baby steps into my future.

I went through horribly dark times over 20 years ago. I was victimized but thanks to Pat, I did not become a permanent victim. If you have been emotionally abused get the help you need. Don’t be afraid, ashamed or embarrassed.

There is a counselor like Pat out there for you.

ABOUT LINDA

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

You might be interested in

Divorce Lies

Divorce Lies and the Impact on your Child – Part 1

Published on
Ruth A. S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)

Bulls are enraged by the color red.

A fallen baby bird cannot be placed back in their nest. The great wall of China is visible from space.

None of these are true; however, facts do not really matter.  If a statement is repeated often enough this becomes the truth.

This is the illusory truth effect: Repetition creates a sense of validity. In essence, repeating is believing.

Anyone of a difficult divorce knows the feelings of devastation and helplessness when your ex tells a story casting you as the villain.  They believe the scenario is true; however, you know this is yet, another tale of lies.

Sadly, the untruths are shared with family and friends and sometimes co-workers.  The destruction cuts to the core even deeper when the disinformation is deliberately conveyed to your child.

This is important information in high conflict divorces because repetition supersedes prior knowledge.

Your child may recall a close and loving relationship with you yet, the illusory truth effect means your child perceives the repeated negative statements as the truth. Negative statements, albeit false, are replacing what they know to be true by the false statements they are hearing. In essence, constant exposure to the negative facts becomes your child’s new reality.

In high conflict divorce, sometimes, one parent uses the illusory truth effect leading your child to believe you do not want to see or talk to them, or you do not care about your child.  In actuality, nothing could be farther from the truth.

What you want is the opportunity to protect your child.  Instead, your child is embroiled in the bitter battle called the illusory truth effect.

The illusory truth effect is a concept evolving from a 1977 study. Recent research challenged the findings revealing repeated statements are easier for the mind to process as there is a sense of familiarity when hearing the information again.

The brain perceives this as ordinary information and processes the material quicker.  The mind is concluding the fact as a true statement faster because this is now common knowledge.

Despite the fact that most parents teach their children not to lie; the illusory truth effect demonstrates parents lie too. Like most relationships, trust is the groundwork for a strong parent and child bond.

A child willingly and whole heartedly believes what their parents say. Things do not need to make perfect sense because the child trusts their parents. Expecting to hear the truth is natural.

Parents or parent figures are the backbones to the heart and soul of children. If we did not have parents our society would be different. When parents are kind and loving they want the best for their children. Parents are influential with the power to instill a sense of belief creating a strong foundation for the child to grow.

Children love and trust both parents. This is what makes the illusory truth irrevocably damaging. Who is speaking truths or untruths is not your child’s issue. Adding insult to injury, spouting lies about the child’s other parent is like putting a knife in their little heart.

Intensifying this even more, a key point revealed in recent research shows the illusory truth effect may be more powerful when individuals are distracted or tired. A child within the throes of a high conflict divorce may experience both making a child more vulnerable to the ‘facts’ directed at them.

Why are the lies harmful to your child? Children are not emotionally equipped to differentiate the illusory truth from lies.

More importantly, parents are purposefully altering their children’s lives. All children have a right to enjoy a caring, kind, and loving relationship with both parents. Both parents are entitled to the opportunity to parent and protect their child.

Despite the illusory truth effect baby birds can be placed back in their nest and man-made structures are not observable from low orbit.

As for the bulls? Bulls are color blind and not angered by the color red. In fact, they are reacting to the movement of the fabric.

Part 2 will offer examples in responding to the illusory truth imparted on your child.

References:

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022537177800121

www.businessinsider.com/15-everyday-facts-that-are-totally-wrong-2011-8#the-great-wall-of-china-is-not-visible-from-space-1

www.theacorn.com/news/2013-08-15/Front_Page/What_happens_when_one_parent_poisons_a_child_again.html

metro.co.uk/2015/12/01/if-you-repeat-a-lie-enough-people-think-its-true-5536488/#ixzz4er8LS9l2

ABOUT RUTH

Ruth is a Certified Family Life Educator and advocate for SharedParenting.  She works in the arena of Shared Parenting focusing on the parent/child relationship in the divorce process.

Ruth actively participates in establishing equal parenting in custody and divorce. She has authored several articles on divorce, Family Court and Shared Parenting and is a contributor at the Huffington Post. She manages 3 sites directed toward the shared parenting arena and created a survey evaluating parents’ experience in Family Court.

LIKE on: Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional

Research and information offered to enhance the parent-child relationship.    SharedParentingInfo.com

You might be interested in

books on divorce
/

The 10 Books on Divorce That Saved Me

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

Twenty years after my divorce, I can remember — vividly — the books that saved me during those early days of finding my way alone.

Each book gave me something- the language, hope, and understanding- to help me process the trauma.

Millions of people experience the pain of divorce each year. The right book can be a great comfort.

In one of the ironies of life, I was taking the university course titled “The Philosophy of Love” as my marriage crumbled.

The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis was on the reading list.

I learned to examine love beyond the words- I love you. I realized for the first time, that ours had been an immature, naïve love. That’s what can happen when you marry your childhood sweetheart. Sometimes there is no room for emotional growth.

A mature love, according to Lewis is a balance of four loves. Reading his book helped me identify the holes in what I had perceived as our ‘ perfect’ little high school romance.

The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families by Amity Pierce Buxton is one of a very few books on this topic.

It was enormously helpful for a woman like me, 20 years ago, living in a very small town, without any reference material to help me understand. We shared the same marriage experience. She gave me hope for a better day.

Her book dedication reads in part “to my children…whose love sustained me in my journey from trauma to transformation.”

I too will always be grateful for my sons’ constant love and support in my journey.

Man’s search for Meaning by Victor Frankl was sobering.

It is a book that puts real suffering in perspective. There was far worse misery in life than my divorce. Most important, there was- free will- the choice to survive and carry on with life. We can choose to rise above our emotional pain.

Forgiving The Unforgivable: Overcoming the Bitter Legacy of Intimate Wounds by Beverly Flanigan spoke to me of violating a moral code, breaking a trust. It helped me fix the responsibility on him. With that was a letting go.

“If the injurer’s action intentionally breached a vow or promise or violated another moral rule, the injurer was to blame.”

By his own admission, our marriage deception had been intentional.

In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant gave me hope that what I was experiencing was but a moment in time. It would only be forever if I allowed it. My choice.

“The meantime is protective as well as preparatory.”

On Your Own Again by Keith Anderson and Roy MacSkimming asked, “Why are you here?” This book helped me understand the healing process requires both acceptance and understanding. There had been unseen holes in my marriage.

Anderson also reminded me that, for children of divorce, predictability, consistency and reliability are paramount.

Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach was my soothing bedtime snack. Her words spoke to me of quiet and peace at the end of each day.

There were many days that I celebrated more for surviving them than for anything else of significance. The daily entries in her book were an emotional lifeline.

The Mind of the Soul by Gary Zukav wrote about moving beyond being a victim of the divorce and not limiting my life. I wanted to get better not bitter.

Soul Stories also by Gary Zukav reminded me to listen to my intuition. Too often when we divorce and move into a single life we make wrong turns.

“listen to what your intuition tells you. A lot of people hear answers they don’t like, so they pretend that they didn’t hear any answers at all. ”

Love and Betrayal: Broken Trust in Intimate Relationships by John Amodeo gave me language to process the divorce. The terms ‘decidedly cruel’ and ’emotionally dishonest’ were particularly relevant.

I think the greatest books of all, a real visual history of my emotional growth, were my personal journals. They meticulously chronicled my path back to living a full and happy life again.

“Be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
– Nora Ephron

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

You might be interested in

Dealing with an Aggressive Co-parent

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

It is a challenge to co-parent with an aggressive person post-divorce.

They may have difficulties letting go when they are not on duty. They attempt to parent from afar, thus complicating your life.

Prevention is the way to go if still in divorce negotiations. Get an extremely detailed Parenting Plan which spells out exactly when each parent has the children and addresses how school holidays are split.

An aggressive ex-spouse is less likely to walk all over you when you can point out that an issue is already covered in the Parenting Plan.

Some individuals have trouble letting go and accepting that the other parent is in charge of the youngsters part-time.

This is where setting boundaries is important. If the aggressive parent is bombarding the kids with phone calls or texts during your time, set limits. To avoid them getting defensive, say “How about we each limit contact with the kids to once a day?” Or “Instead of us calling the boys when not with them, let them initiate contact.”

When the suggestion goes both ways, it makes in more impersonal.

Try to think about the other parent’s motivation with their actions. Are they aggressive in other situations, such as on the job or is it only with you after divorce?  If you are the main target, then their behaviour may be due to anger and hostility.

Perhaps meet on neutral territory, such as in a coffee shop or café, to discuss what is going on with them. If that person feels that they are really being listened to, that in itself can lead to a better post-divorce relationship.

The other parent may micromanage as part of their nature. Coming up with a daily schedule for meals, naps and bedtimes that you both use, can reduce their need for control. They may become more relaxed when the kids’ routine is in sync at both houses.

A therapist stated that when there is an aggressive parent, the children can be caught in the crossfire.

An aggressive parent may use the children as a weapon to score a point in a perceived battle of wits. Remind this individual that co-parenting is about putting the children first. Say “I feel that the girls are affected by our disagreements. Let’s act in a calmer manner for their sake.”

Keep the focus on the youngsters, when the aggressive one may be starting a verbal attack. Redirect them back to what is best for your offspring.

One teacher has this suggestion when dealing with an aggressive parent. Each one has X number of minutes to talk uninterrupted.

Then the other parent has the same amount of time for their turn. This prevents the aggressor from butting in and cutting off the other parent before they are through expressing their views.

If a dialogue with the other parent is not working, ask them to go to a mediator with you. A session can get the situation on track and reduce stress. If the other parent refuses to meet with a third party, go alone to a divorce coach.

The coach will help come up with specific strategies for dealing with your co-parent. Make sure that you have your own support system to get you through the turbulent times and see the lighter side of life.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Lifer after divorce - what are you thinking
/

Life after Divorce – What are you Thinking?

Published on
Charis Rooks
Author and Speaker

Have you ever heard of someone who has made the statement like “I wish I could have had this or that but it’s not going to happen for me?”

In the early stages of divorce I would look at married couples and their families and say the same thing.

Comments such as “must be nice” or “she just doesn’t realize how good she has it” were my top two hopeless phrases.

Yes I created hopeless phrases to secure my sense of hopelessness. I would even speak this in the presence of my kids with comments such as “now you know we can’t afford that” and “things are different now we can’t have that”.

So what was wrong with this way of thinking? I personally removed hope from my vocabulary and my life after my divorce.

I let a tragic event in my life (divorce) dictate if I and my girls should have hope. Sounds crazy but a lot of us do it. It wasn’t until I started speaking hope in our lives I saw change.

To be honest I was just testing it to see if it would work and guess what ladies it did. I removed myself from my negative associates. Yes negative must stay around negativity to feed itself.

So long story short, I lost many friends in my life. However, I made a decision to place myself around positive speaking people and guess what it worked.

When I went from saying “we won’t be able to buy a house” to saying over and over again “I will buy a house”, we actually bought a house. When I went from saying “I will never get a job working from home” to one day “I will work from home”, I got the job working from home.

Now I will say this it wasn’t overnight please don’t think that I bought a home over night or got a job the next day. Now it took time and in both of these cases a lot of time, but I never gave up on the hope that I would one day have the things I desire for me and my daughters.

ABOUT CHARIS

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again. 

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

You might be interested in

Banish Your Divorce Guilt and Move on from Divorce

How to Banish Your Divorce Guilt and Move on from Divorce

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

GUILT.

What an ugly word and a terrible feeling.

Guilt comes in all sorts of mutating forms before, during, and after divorce. We may feel guilty because of a specific/concrete action we have done, or, more likely, divorce guilt permeates our lives like a mist running through our bodies.

It’s a general, lingering feeling that comes from a variety of factors—things that have nothing to do with us but nevertheless continue to threaten our happiness.

It is normal for many of us to feel like we are to blame for everything leading up to the end of our marriage.

Society certainly has not helped us break from that. Many of us were raised to say, “Sorry” for everything, even though something may not have been our fault.

Culturally, we were taught that keeping the household and marriage successful without any mistakes was our responsibility, without so much a thought that it takes two people in a partnership to make a relationship work.

And naturally, because there was a lot of pressure on us to be perfect and act a certain way, when the marriage unraveled, our reaction, was to blame ourselves for it.

But I’m here to tell you to knock that off.

In fact, if you are to move on from divorce, you must remember the following…

In Order to Overcome Guilt, You Must Forgive Yourself. 

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It’s a gift that we are usually generous in giving others at home, at work, at Starbucks when the barista screwed up our order for the third time this week, yet, for some reason, we don’t afford ourselves the same luxury. For some reason we think our actions, especially divorce-related ones, are somehow reprehensible and we feel like the worst people in the world for letting everybody down.

But you know what? The only person you have let down is yourself by not being kinder to you. You deserve to breathe, to dream big and plan for the future, to laugh again, to not be judged.

Accepting responsibility for your own shortcomings and working on them to avoid mistakes in the future is one thing. But constantly blaming yourself for things in the past

1) is neither helpful nor healthy and

2) doesn’t change a single thing.

So why not put that energy you spend on feeling bad about the past into something awesome as hell, like creating the good life you deserve and the chance to start over?

Forgiving yourself is challenging right now because you are looking at the divorce with warped vision. Right now, you are looking at it with 20/20 hindsight, where you have the luxury of picking your past self to pieces. And that’s just not fair.

It’s time to change that way of thinking. Feeling guilty stops now.

I know what you’re thinking, because I went through that same personal hell during my divorce, too.

“But…that’s easier said than done! I just feel so damn guilty all the time!” you may say to yourself.

And you know what? You’re going to until you let all that BS go and just be. Sure, you have made mistakes in the past. But who in the hell hasn’t? Remember that it takes two to tango in a marriage. You must accept that you did everything within your power at the time to make the marriage work. And even if you, for some reason, have still convinced yourself that you didn’t, the past cannot be changed anyway.

So, how do you forgive yourself, exactly? I’m glad you asked.

How to Move on from your Guilt and Forgive Yourself: Reflections and Exercise

When a wave of guilt hits you, please remember this:

Guilt is a gray looming fortress—a mix of the Tower of London and Fort Knox, where you are trapped. But here’s the funny thing—all the doors are unlocked, there are no guards, and there’s no reason for you to stay there. So why not leave?

Guilt is your past holding you prisoner. It’s impossible to plan for the future if you keep holding yourself in the past.

The next time you are feeling guilty and are unsure of how to forgive yourself, ask yourself this one question:

“How will this guilt serve me in the future?”

Think long and hard about this question….

*Momentary pause*

Oh, I see that you are drawing a blank space on answering it.

Gee, that might be because guilt DOES NOT serve you, so let it go. Then do this next step.

Write down why you feel guilty. To get you started, I listed some of the thoughts running through my head when I was dealing with guilt.

I feel guilty because maybe I should have suggested we go to couples therapy sooner. I feel guilty because maybe I should have brought up the fact that we weren’t communicating anymore. Maybe if I had done that, things would have been different. 

Sound familiar? Here’s what you need to understand about the words of guilt.

Guilt speaks the language of “maybe, should have, would have.” These are not action words—they are passive words that your guilt is using to make you create some picture-perfect false reality that doesn’t exist. It’s time to kick that language and those thoughts to the curb.

The next time you find yourself with those thoughts running through your head, nip it in the bud with compassion for yourself and neutralize those words with forgiveness. Remember those guilty thoughts running through your head? Take a look at how to start countering them below, and then write your own counter-thoughts for the things that are making you feel guilty!

I feel guilty because maybe I should have suggested we go to couples therapy sooner.

The Forgiveness Mindset: We went to couples therapy when we thought we needed it, and did everything in our power at the time to fix it. You were brave to try it, and should not feel bad about any of that.

I feel guilty because maybe I should have brought up the fact that we weren’t communicating anymore.

The Forgiveness Mindset: It takes two people for a marriage to work and you were not responsible for both you and your husband. You did what you could with the strength you had at the time. Be proud of yourself for that. 

Now it’s your turn! Write down the specific things that are making you feel guilty, then neutralize them with the compassion you deserve. Do this whenever the guilt sneaks up on you, and as long as you are mindful and consistent with this practice, you can keep the Guilt Monster at bay.

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers gain clarity and get their confidence back so they can move on with their lives. For your free Divorce Warrior Survival kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ or say hello at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

Website: survivingyoursplit.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/survivingyoursplit

You might be interested in

What I Would Say To My Deceitful Ex-Husband
/

Life after Divorce – What I Would Say To My Deceitful Ex-Husband, 20 Years Later

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

It was a novel suggestion. What would I say to my former spouse if given the opportunity?

We haven’t spoken in nearly two decades. Twenty five years of marriage is so far behind me now that most of my life has been without him.

The hurt he left behind surfaces occasionally with me and our sons. We long ago learned to deal with it and push it back in the shadows where it belongs. I wonder if he knows of that paternal legacy.

I used to think he was my bridge over troubled water. Now I realize that notion was reversed. His demons far exceeded mine.

There was a time when I missed him so much I ached. That feeling left me years ago and never returned. My biggest battle today is suppressing regret for time lost in a marriage that was doomed from the very beginning.

Our oldest son saw the demise of the family before we did. He told me that when he was barely a teenager it was already evident. We may have been fooling ourselves but not him.

Childhood sweethearts can be both a boon and a bane. In our situation is was the latter. He skilfully exploited my innocence. I grew up after he left, a painful but invigorating process.

This is what I would say if given the opportunity. Our conversation would include the following anecdote, questions, and observations.

Last summer, our oldest grandchild, all of seven years old, asked ” What happened? Why don’t you live together?” I hope someday he asks you the same question and that you have the grace to answer the question honestly. Not wink and toss it off as a joke as you are wont to do or dismiss it as all just “water under the bridge.”

This time you got a pass on your behaviour thanks to our son who fielded the question rather skilfully. No mention of your trademark deception and dishonesty. Seven years old is too young to know the truth. But someday he will know the answer.

Our sons are our greatest asset together. They are dedicated to their families. I worried about that because of the example you had set as a husband and father. Did your parenting choices ever concern you? For many years they were fatherless.

I would ask you about the phenomenon that a father can walk away from a family and turn a corner and not look back. We are not the only family to experience this type of abandonment. I don’t understand how men, mostly, can have little family contact for years on end. A Facebook connection with the odd puerile quip is hardly parenting.

I would ask you about how you lived a lie every day of our marriage. I get stuck on that fact I must confess. Over 20 years later and it still gets me. Every memory of our life together from high school forward is couched with the fact it was all a lie. Every profession of love, everything you ever said or did was framed by your lies.

I would tell you one of the best decisions I ever made was reclaiming my maiden name. I have a colleague to thank for the change. He refused to address me by my married name after the divorce details emerged. So almost by default I went back to my ‘maiden’ name and for 20 odd years I am grateful every single day I did that. It is a name worthy of that honour.

I would tell you I miss sharing this time of life with children and a gaggle of grandchildren. At least with -the you- the fatherly pastiche you wore so well. All of that is framed with the possibility you never really cared about any of it. Our life together might be nothing more to you than photo ops, well placed good deeds and empty words of sincerity to cover your secrets.

I would observe, that, as is often the case in divorce, you ended up much more financially secure than I did. However, my freedom from you is priceless.

I would ask you those questions and then doubt your answers. Would you just tell me what you think I want to hear, something you do very well or would you be honest? I am not sure what an honest answer sounds like coming from you.

I used to think ours was a great love until I found the real deal. I used to be afraid of you but I am not anymore. I still want to know the name of the silent partner in our marriage that you have refused to reveal.

And thus the conversation would end in an egregious manner, just like our marriage.

More than 20 years of silence is a lifetime. Perhaps it is all water under the bridge.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

You might be interested in

Life after Divorce as a Single
/

Life after Divorce as a Happy Single Grandma

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

Who knew that grand-parenting would be so much fun? Who knew I’d be a solo grandma?

It was understood in my marriage that somewhere in the future we would be very proud grandparents together. However, like many baby boomers, our marriage didn’t make it. I’ve been single for 20 years and since 2009 I have been a solo grandma.

My Grandparents

My grandparents were married 67 years. That was my frame of reference.

They lived to 100 years of age in their own home. Loving and fiercely independent to the very end. Fought the War of Independence with a twinkle in their eye — she was a very proud Yankee and he was a very dignified Brit, who came to Canada when he was just 16.

They were there — together — while I was growing up. There was something solid and reassuring about my grandparents. A pair. A unit. And an example of mutual commitment.

They were the first through the door when my father, their much loved son-in-law, died very suddenly when I was 19. We were reeling from this huge loss – there they were at the door in the middle of night. So solid. The rock we needed.

We always said my grandfather looked like and had the elegance of Fred Astaire. Dignified. Debonair. By example, he made a huge impression on my sons when they were growing up.

For my own sons, their paternal grandfather — the only one they had — was very cold, distant, and rarely seen. So their great-grandfather was the grandfather in their life.

Every holiday was a large multi- generational affair with my grandparents sitting like proud peacocks at the table, smiling privately to each other. Everyone gathered at the table was there because those two met by happenstance and married in 1915. I thought history would repeat itself somewhere in my future. But that was not to be.

My Grandchildren

From my very youngest grandchild born this past Christmas to the oldest who was born on my 60th birthday in 2009, I have shared every moment with my sons as a solo parent and grandparent. I have taken those first phone calls from the delivery room. Heard the awe in my sons’ voices. Heard the first little cry of a brand new member of the family.

I haven’t spoken to my former spouse for many years. Until recently, his presence in my sons’ lives was very minimal. I don’t stumble over pronouns when speaking about my family. For me, the singular fits very well now. In conversation, these grandchildren are mine.

Shared History Lost

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel some sense of loss. I miss sharing the history with someone who knew my sons growing up. Marveling when I see my grandchildren behave in a way reminiscent of their father, forty years ago. There is no partner to turn to and nod knowingly.

You loose a lot in a divorce but nothing more than that shared history.

My sons and I reminisce but they don’t remember the trip home from the hospital with them as brand new babies. Those terrifying first days of parenthood. Looking at the little bundle in the cradle – my cradle when I was a baby – and feeling such overwhelming love and responsibility. And then fast forward 40 years and seeing a brand new generation in that very same cradle.

As their grandma, I am seeing life through the eyes of a child again with the time to really appreciate it.

Who knew I would feel such love all over again? From the first moment, just like I did all those years ago with my sons.

Being a solo grandma in no way diminishes the experience. I have learned to love everything about life — solo. I have shared so many wonderful bits of travel and adventure with my grandchildren. In only seven years we have a history together.

First steps, first words, and many ‘I love you’s” wrapped up in chubby little arms. We share private jokes, have favourite books. These early years with my grandchildren are fleeting moments in time. They are snatched up, snuggled up and enjoyed. And then-just like their fathers before them-these little ones will be grown.

Sunrise, sunset, swiftly go the years….
Wasn’t it yesterday
… they were small?

ABOUT LINDA

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience.

As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

Linda writes for Huffington Post too.

You might be interested in

/

Life after Divorce – 20 Years Since My Divorce, And I Am Better For It

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

This year, 2016, is officially 20 years after my marriage breakup.

For those of us who grew up in the 1950s, we thought the future would be much like our parents. We married, had families, but then, unlike our parents, many of us divorced.

Twenty-five years ago I would have told you I was the luckiest woman in the world. I was married to my best friend who I adored and had two wonderful sons. I had it all including the home and picket fence.

As it turned out, there was no luck in my marriage. The marital secrets he revealed crippled me emotionally for years after the breakup. I was such an innocent in 1996 and he knew it.

Even in the earliest, darkest days and nights after he left, I was determined to get better emotionally. There are family and friends who thought I talked too much about it. I probably did. But, we are all on our own timeline with grief recovery.

The advice that you will get over it — is not true.

Far more apt is what someone said to me back then. Life after divorce is like having had a broken arm — there is always a slight twinge in the damp weather. It’s a much longer, softer lens when I look back but it is part of who I am. My history.

Throughout, my sons have always been a source of strength for me. They were in their late teens at the time. We became a very single-parent family quickly, creating new traditions, forging a solid family unit.

They forgave my mistakes and emotional stumbling and were my cheering section with my successes.

I don’t believe older children find divorce easier. When a marriage disintegrates, the family unit as it has been known does too. The expected future — lost. Painful for children at any age.

And just how does a parent walk away from a family and turn their back on everything they have known? In so many divorce stories, that narrative repeats over and over. So often, those people who cause the marital breakup, create a future where they drop in and out of their children’s lives based on convenience.

One of the many miracles in my life was finding the most understanding and skilled counsellor during the death throes of my marriage. For the next three years, she helped me piece together a life I thought was shattered. I began to realize my own self-worth and how love had indeed blinded me to the result of constant personal denigration.

A strong lesson in choices was a theme during our sessions.

“Don’t feel sorry for him,” she said, “because he made the choices that brought about the end of the marriage. ”

The past 20 years have been about my choices. I had no control over what had happened in my marriage but I did have a choice in how I lived my life going forward.

Again, I was fortunate to have a career I loved, and a supportive administration who allowed me to pursue and excel in my chosen field of guidance.

I had always wanted to live and work abroad and was able to do that. Packing two big satchels and moving to a brand new country on my own was an extraordinary, empowering experience.

Twenty years ago, when he left, I was denied one future. It hasn’t been easy. However, now I believe that leaving was the greatest gift he ever gave me.

Dating was more of a challenge. Marrying my childhood sweetheart had given me little opportunity for emotional growth. I had to learn how to date again. In retrospect, that was fraught with its own hilarity. But each time a Mr. Right Now came into my life, it gave me another opportunity to learn how to have a healthy, mature relationship. Training wheels for the future.

My own space is as important as shared space. On the evenings that I own the remote control — I am happy that I do.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience.

As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

You might be interested in

Divorce Memories and Dreams
//

Where Life after Divorce Memories and Dreams Continue to be Made

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

On Golden Pond clinched it.

We watched it, cried through the credits and saw ourselves years in the future. He, the crotchety Henry Fonda, and me, the delightfully aged Katharine Hepburn — opening the cottage each spring.

We’d remark on all the changes from the past year, ourselves included. Then we’d wait for our children and grandchildren to descend for their summer holiday.

It’s that time of year again. Cottage opening. Prompted by that movie 32 years ago, we scraped together some cash and bought the waterfront property of our dreams.

Travelling down the dusty back roads of our town we found the perfect piece of land. A huge stand of birch trees and a view straight across the lake. Sitting at the shore one sunny morning, watching two loons swim by, we knew this was ours.

Both of us had grown up with old fashioned cottages. Those simple cabins by the shore. Simplicity was the key to our type of cottage experience.

The first year we camped. There was no money left to build anything after buying the land. So, we built a tent platform and pitched a tent. That lasted all of one summer. It turned out, we were not happy campers.

The next year a small cabin sprang up in the middle of the birch grove. It was as simple as it gets. Reclaimed windows, second hand furniture, plywood counter top, ancient stove and cold water. But, we were out of the weather when it rained and more than an arm’s length from each other inside.

For our sons, the days blended into what I call those white nights of summer. Endless games of Marco Polo echoed from the raft. At dusk, they ran wild in the forest with a gaggle of cottage country kids, playing Capture the Flag. A game whose rules still elude me. After roasting marshmallows at the bonfire by the shore, they would drop into bed exhausted.

We added a front porch and the place remained like that for several years. Every night we watched the stars and dreamed of adding on a bedroom wing and a proper bathroom somewhere off in the future. Old fashioned cottages have two things in abundance. Memories and dreams. Nothing is ever completely “finished” and that is part of the fun. The memories and dreams.

Finally we took the plunge, mortgaged it and added on what we saw as luxury. Proper bedrooms and a bathroom.

This is where the idyllic story starts to get derailed.

My spouse began to dislike everything about the cottage, seething at the inevitable projects. Gone were the times where we had once, laughingly, faced the challenges together. Now he turned on me and the cottage. It was all a burden to him. He’d outgrown the summer place, just as he did his family. I was isolated and confused by his indifference.

After some very traumatic scenes, he walked out 20 years ago. I took over the parenting, the mortgage and finishing the cottage.

I learned to tape drywall and do a fairly decent job of it. Repair jobs I couldn’t do myself were farmed out to available handymen.

Like everything else in my newly single life, I began to really enjoy the autonomy of making my own decisions. I found out I could design the finishing touches and organize contractors. I worried constantly about the financial pressures of keeping the cottage. I persevered for my sons and relied on my spirited determination. The cottage became an integral part of the post-divorce family.

Slowly the place began to look more complete.

It is still an old fashioned cottage with a hominess that invites relaxation. There are big comfy couches and we have kitschy memorabilia tacked up on the walls. No granite counter tops. The hallway is a picture gallery of our family fun over the years.

It is now a special place for my grandchildren.

They bound out of the car, just like their fathers did so many years before. The someday that never was to be together with my former spouse is here. It is “Grandma’s Cottage.” And a new generation is running wild in the woods, splashing in the water, paddling in the inflatable boat, and having mud fights at the shore.

The place is still not finished. There’s some drywall that needs taping and painting. The outside should be re-stained but it is “the cottage.” Full of memories and dreams.

Dear Diary on a summer morning:
6 a.m.: steaming cup of coffee, snuggled up in bed with my grandchildren, watching the loons in the bay.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons.

I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children.

Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

You might be interested in

Almost Funny Divorce Quotes

Almost Funny Divorce Quotes

Published on

 

Almost Funny Divorce QuotesSomeone once said, that you know you have moved on when you can laugh at some of the things that made you mad in the past.

So we collected a bunch of divorce quotes which we think are (almost) funny for you.

Hope you enjoy (some of ) them

  • My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. ~ Jack Benny
  • Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.~ Robin Williams
  • You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it. ~ Henny Youngman
  • What is the main cause of divorce?  Marriage
  • In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of the publicity. ~ Lauren Bacall
  • Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years. ~ Lee Trevino
  • Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed. ~ Jay Leno
  • A friend of mine recently divorced his wife after 37 years. He said he was looking for a some-sex relationship. ~ Greg Tamblyn
  • Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. ~ Jean Kerr
  • It’s tough. After five years of marriage, it’s difficult to lose the one with the good credit rating. ~ Rich Voss
  • One of the hardest things in the world is pretending to be surprised that a friend is getting divorced. ~ Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
  • Maturity is recalling the outrageous things your former spouse did to upset you, then turning over and going to sleep. ~ Eileen Dight
  • An open marriage is nature’s way of telling you that you need a divorce ~ Ann Landers
  • “What happened? Satan was busy?” ~ Sam Kinison on finding out his wife had hired lawyer Marvin Mitchelson to represent her in her divorce case against him.

You might be interested in

1 … 4 5 6 7 8 … 11