life after divorce - Page 6

You know that feeling—some of us know it all too well during and after divorce.

When one of your children, after spending the weekend with your ex, tells you about the “new friend” that is at the ex’s house. The “friend” that was there the whole weekend, who went out to dinner and the movies with them.

Or when you hear about the trip your ex is taking to Europe, when you’re still stressed out, wondering if you will make it til the next paycheck, let alone ever going somewhere nice for vacation.

Ah, jealousy.

The Green Eyed Monster that consumes us, makes us despise our current situation, causes us to put all of our energy and attention on somebody else—when what we should really be doing is focusing on our own life and our own recovery.

Sound familiar?

Today, let’s talk about this paralyzing emotion that brings out the worst in us, and prevents us from moving on with our own lives and finding our own independence and happiness.

And I have to share with you two very ugly truths about this emotion.

Jealousy is selfish.

Have you ever known someone in your life that was always “me me me” and never bothered to ask you about your day, or your hopes and dreams? Hell, you may have been married to that person. Well, jealousy is a bit like that person, because it’s a barrier that causes you to worry about something (your ex’s new life) that you have no control over.

And instead of focusing on yourself and your healing, jealously is there instead, being all, “Oh, look at their wonderful life! Oh, look at all the things they’re doing that are amazing!”

Tell me…what benefit is it to you to be focusing your energy on what the other person is doing? What benefit is it to you to be thinking about how good your ex has it, when you feel like you were screwed over? What benefit is it to you to be obsessing over their new partner, house, vacation plans, car, fill in the blank with whatever it is that you’re thinking about that’s going on in your ex’s life that has nothing to do with you?

You already know the answer. Being jealous is of no benefit. So why is it still something that we can’t seem to shake while trying to move on from divorce?

The truth hurts and you’re about to learn why.

Jealousy is also lazy.

You know what’s easier than working on yourself?

Sitting there, stewing over about how much better your ex has it than you.

One of the many reasons that jealousy brings out the worst in us is because it diverts our attention away from putting ourselves first. And instead of doing the hard work of focusing on how we can move on, and how we can learn to heal, jealousy leads us astray, by taking the easy road of being reactive about things you can’t control.

And while you’re worrying about that, you waste precious time that could be spend focusing on the most important thing—YOU.

It’s easier to say, “Oh, it should be ME taking that vacation instead of my ex” than to focus on your own finances and schedule, and plan a vacation that fits your lifestyle and budget.

It’s easier to say, “That a-hole already has a new partner! How can this happen! It’s not fair!” than starting to take care of yourself, learning how to plan for your own future, and focusing on getting out of your rut and getting your life back on track.

See what I mean?

Jealousy is sapping you of your energy to move the hell on. It’s forcing you to stay stuck, unable to move on. Because it’s a lot easier to stew and be hateful over something you can’t control than it is to be responsible for your own happiness and moving ahead under your terms.

I’m jealous, Martha! So what am I supposed to do?!

I know, I know…you’re human and you may be hurting, not knowing what to do about your jealousy. But here’s a system you can put into place to do something about it!

Exercise: Turn your jealousy into productivity.

The next time you’re feeling jealous about whatever your ex is doing, or anything going on in your life for that matter, do the following.

• Pinpoint exactly what is making you jealous. These are your jealousy triggers.

“I heard from my son that his father is going to Europe in the fall with his new girlfriend, and I’m here having trouble paying rent. What the hell?”

• Dig deeper. What is it exactly that you’re jealous of? List it, and be honest with yourself. Jealousy rarely has anything to do with the other person. It has everything to with what you’re doing and how you’re thinking about yourself. It is an emotion that has no power when you are being mindful and proactive with your own life.

“I am jealous because I am hurt. I feel hurt because we never did anything fun or adventurous or travel in our relationship and I feel left out. I am also jealous because I feel like financially, I cannot treat myself.

• Ask yourself what you can do instead. How can you divert that energy you are spending being jealous into something actionable for you?

“My feelings are hurt and maybe I can’t fix that pain myself. The next time I am triggered, perhaps I can reach out to friends or family for support, or instead direct that energy into doing an activity that I like to do. As far as finances go…sure, I can’t go anywhere exotic right now. But I can start looking at my finances and budget, and maybe start planning a getaway or a nice trip for myself that is within my budget.

How about you? Do you struggle with jealousy?

And if so, what are some of the triggers that make you feel this way?

And, more importantly, what type of steps will you take this week to turn that jealousy into something that puts you first?

ABOUT MARTHA

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives.

For your Free Divorce Warrior Survival Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com. You can also visit her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/survivingyoursplit.

Divorce is tough for many reasons.

Not only are we dealing with the emotions and logistics and finances, but after the dust has settled, we may feel like our life’s plans have changed direction.

The life you planned and your vision of the future may disappear, leaving you with a feeling of not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

But when you feel like this, don’t panic! There is merely one thing you must remember.

You May Feel Lost Because Your Internal GPS is No Longer Working

So many of us had our entire lives invested in our marriage and our families. It was the lens with which we viewed the world. Our concept of being a spouse and a partner was our GPS.

Whatever decisions we made through our marriage– whether they were personal or professional – were seen within the context of, “Well, is it good for the marriage and is it good for the family?

When your marriage ends, that GPS and final destination are thrown out the window. But that doesn’t mean that you are destined to wander around in the dark.

We feel like we’re merely surviving and have not yet given ourselves the gift of dreaming again. We are so busy with dealing with the daily roller coaster of emotions and figuring out logistics and finances that we forget to do the one thing we must do.

Identifying that vision becomes our new final destination. And until we identify that vision for ourselves and then take the steps to get there, it is impossible to move forward.

You can go on auto-pilot and go through the daily motions of life, but it will be very hard to move on and reclaim the happiness you deserve unless you figure out your vision, and have a plan to get there. You must do this for yourself.

Need a little help? Here’s an exercise to start on getting rid of your roadblocks. Ask yourself the following questions.

What Do I Want?

If that question seems overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be! Some answers can be as simple as saying, “I want to be happy in my home,” or “I want to feel confident again.”

What is Stopping Me from Getting What I Want?

The things that are stopping us – the obstacles to our vision – are the daily BS things that we face and frustrate us. I want you to list those. Be honest and complete, but don’t spend too much time getting caught up in the obstacles. I know for me, those obstacles included the following:

I am staying in the home although he has left, but I don’t know how to shake the feeling that he is still “here.” There are pictures of us together, some of his books are here, and I feel like everything just seems frozen in time.

I didn’t feel great when we were having marital troubles, but now that I’m alone, I feel like my self-esteem is completely gone. I feel like I don’t have any purpose and it’s awful. How do I rebuild?

Once you have a few of those obstacles in mind, the fun part begins. You are going to learn how to kick those obstacles out of the way by coming up with an easy plan that erases them and gets you closer to your destination.

Start Overcoming Those Obstacles by Writing Down What You Plan to Do

You don’t need some crazy battle plan. It doesn’t need to be a PhD dissertation. All you need are some simple steps that you can start taking today. If you need some help, look at the quick plans I created for myself when I felt lost after my divorce.

Life After Divorce: An Obstacles-Be-Gone Plan

I am not feeling great about myself right now. There are several things I can do to change that. If I am not already seeing a therapist, or one that I really like, I will start searching and asking for recommendations to find someone who can work through this process with me.

I am also doing to do things for myself for a change. I am going to list things that I like to do – hobbies, physical activities – and will put them on a calendar so I remain accountable and committed to doing the things that I love. It’s time to put myself first.

The Road Ahead

Following this plan means you have done two awesome things for yourself. First, you now have something that sticks – something you can use to help boot out those silly roadblocks that are up in your face.

And second, you now know where you want to be. You have the vision of knowing what you want. You have identified your final destination. When you know your final destination and the steps to get there, nothing can stop you.

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives.

For your Free Divorce Warrior Survival Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com. You can also visit her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/survivingyoursplit.

GUILT.

What an ugly word and a terrible feeling.

Guilt comes in all sorts of mutating forms before, during, and after divorce. We may feel guilty because of a specific/concrete action we have done, or, more likely, divorce guilt permeates our lives like a mist running through our bodies.

It’s a general, lingering feeling that comes from a variety of factors—things that have nothing to do with us but nevertheless continue to threaten our happiness.

It is normal for many of us to feel like we are to blame for everything leading up to the end of our marriage.

Society certainly has not helped us break from that. Many of us were raised to say, “Sorry” for everything, even though something may not have been our fault.

Culturally, we were taught that keeping the household and marriage successful without any mistakes was our responsibility, without so much a thought that it takes two people in a partnership to make a relationship work.

And naturally, because there was a lot of pressure on us to be perfect and act a certain way, when the marriage unraveled, our reaction, was to blame ourselves for it.

But I’m here to tell you to knock that off.

In fact, if you are to move on from divorce, you must remember the following…

In Order to Overcome Guilt, You Must Forgive Yourself. 

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It’s a gift that we are usually generous in giving others at home, at work, at Starbucks when the barista screwed up our order for the third time this week, yet, for some reason, we don’t afford ourselves the same luxury. For some reason we think our actions, especially divorce-related ones, are somehow reprehensible and we feel like the worst people in the world for letting everybody down.

But you know what? The only person you have let down is yourself by not being kinder to you. You deserve to breathe, to dream big and plan for the future, to laugh again, to not be judged.

Accepting responsibility for your own shortcomings and working on them to avoid mistakes in the future is one thing. But constantly blaming yourself for things in the past

1) is neither helpful nor healthy and

2) doesn’t change a single thing.

So why not put that energy you spend on feeling bad about the past into something awesome as hell, like creating the good life you deserve and the chance to start over?

Forgiving yourself is challenging right now because you are looking at the divorce with warped vision. Right now, you are looking at it with 20/20 hindsight, where you have the luxury of picking your past self to pieces. And that’s just not fair.

It’s time to change that way of thinking. Feeling guilty stops now.

I know what you’re thinking, because I went through that same personal hell during my divorce, too.

“But…that’s easier said than done! I just feel so damn guilty all the time!” you may say to yourself.

And you know what? You’re going to until you let all that BS go and just be. Sure, you have made mistakes in the past. But who in the hell hasn’t? Remember that it takes two to tango in a marriage. You must accept that you did everything within your power at the time to make the marriage work. And even if you, for some reason, have still convinced yourself that you didn’t, the past cannot be changed anyway.

So, how do you forgive yourself, exactly? I’m glad you asked.

How to Move on from your Guilt and Forgive Yourself: Reflections and Exercise

When a wave of guilt hits you, please remember this:

Guilt is a gray looming fortress—a mix of the Tower of London and Fort Knox, where you are trapped. But here’s the funny thing—all the doors are unlocked, there are no guards, and there’s no reason for you to stay there. So why not leave?

Guilt is your past holding you prisoner. It’s impossible to plan for the future if you keep holding yourself in the past.

The next time you are feeling guilty and are unsure of how to forgive yourself, ask yourself this one question:

“How will this guilt serve me in the future?”

Think long and hard about this question….

*Momentary pause*

Oh, I see that you are drawing a blank space on answering it.

Gee, that might be because guilt DOES NOT serve you, so let it go. Then do this next step.

Write down why you feel guilty. To get you started, I listed some of the thoughts running through my head when I was dealing with guilt.

I feel guilty because maybe I should have suggested we go to couples therapy sooner. I feel guilty because maybe I should have brought up the fact that we weren’t communicating anymore. Maybe if I had done that, things would have been different. 

Sound familiar? Here’s what you need to understand about the words of guilt.

Guilt speaks the language of “maybe, should have, would have.” These are not action words—they are passive words that your guilt is using to make you create some picture-perfect false reality that doesn’t exist. It’s time to kick that language and those thoughts to the curb.

The next time you find yourself with those thoughts running through your head, nip it in the bud with compassion for yourself and neutralize those words with forgiveness. Remember those guilty thoughts running through your head? Take a look at how to start countering them below, and then write your own counter-thoughts for the things that are making you feel guilty!

I feel guilty because maybe I should have suggested we go to couples therapy sooner.

The Forgiveness Mindset: We went to couples therapy when we thought we needed it, and did everything in our power at the time to fix it. You were brave to try it, and should not feel bad about any of that.

I feel guilty because maybe I should have brought up the fact that we weren’t communicating anymore.

The Forgiveness Mindset: It takes two people for a marriage to work and you were not responsible for both you and your husband. You did what you could with the strength you had at the time. Be proud of yourself for that. 

Now it’s your turn! Write down the specific things that are making you feel guilty, then neutralize them with the compassion you deserve. Do this whenever the guilt sneaks up on you, and as long as you are mindful and consistent with this practice, you can keep the Guilt Monster at bay.

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers gain clarity and get their confidence back so they can move on with their lives. For your free Divorce Warrior Survival kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ or say hello at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

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