The Commonality of Divorce

James Brown

James Brown
Host of
Divorce The Talk Show

What are the common factors of divorce? There are many things that bind us all together in this dysfunctional social escapade called divorce, many of which would consume way too much ink and paper for this publication.

It varies from ethnicity, family, education and how we interact or don’t, divorce is as common as sending your kids to school or going to church.

Divorce has become the new in-thing in our society. Divorce happens without thought of consequence. As we experience the fallout of those who’s lives are reshaped because of it, we recognize that shit happens, we watch it, laugh at it, fascinated by it and scared of what it does to us.

Listen up men, if you are much like the thousands or maybe millions of men, and let’s assume you are! In retrospect have you examined your marriage as much as you have replayed the issues of your divorce.

If not, I suggest that you get off your mental asses and give it some thought. It’s about time. Yes, I’m suggesting you give it a lot of thought because you are about to become a statistical measurement. A trend an engine powering all of this dysfunctional madness, which now sets the statistical stage that tells us the patterns and informational trends of why and what causes divorce.

These trends can even be used to predict how we are to react. Let me tell you, it may or may not come as a surprise to you, but the common issues that impact marriage and causes divorce are many.

It is by today’s standards that we are no longer left wondering why so many people are facing divorce. Especially with all of the massive relationship shutdowns worldwide and neighbor-to- neighbor. It is estimated that about 50% of marriages and 5-10 percent more of second marriages end in divorce.

There are a wide variety of circumstances that lead to these factors. It is sometimes age, education, income, and even that age-old concept of shacking up before marriage. When they say, “You will get to know each other better when you shack up”, and then get married. That’s a myth. There is no one thing that makes couples stay together and surely, living together before marriage doesn’t qualify as such, not even pregnancy is a defining factor.

Our society has become an overactive social collaborative dysfunctional gestation unraveling right before our eyes and in our minds. We now have learned that our parent’s mistakes follow us, lead us and torment us into mimicking our parents into the abyss that is divorce.

Our thirst of social acceptance and that sense of being in the in-crowd causes so many damaging problems that the trail of information we share with families, friends and our children side track our personal situations and lead us astray. Often is the case when one of the partners in a marriage has come from a divorced family, we are subconsciously subjected to the insecurity that plays a role in defining our paths as a couple.

This will lend itself to the uncoupling of our own marriage as a reflection of what our parents experienced and much more. With all of these factors in front of us hindering the potential of having a successful marriage and certain disintegration becomes a factor the question now becomes; why should we get married?

Believe me, many are asking that very question and even acting it out, which defines the commonality of divorce. With that being said and with so much information describing these varied routes and processes that all spell disaster, why is divorce so common?

Let me share a few thoughts based on the research for our TV show, Divorce; The Talk Show. Before you shut the door to getting married, let me assure you that many of these issues can be repaired and in many instances eliminated from the potential of splitting up and getting divorced.

It is critically important that from the start you must recognize that a good relationship takes a commitment. But what is that?

How much does that factor rely on knowledge and understanding of what it will take to generate a high commitment in a given relationship and/or ensure continued positive results in an ongoing marriage?

Commitment; the act of binding yourself to a course of action.

Marriage is a compilation of unknowns and expectation, bewilderment, happiness, sickness, profound disappointment and incredible gratification.

It’s an uphill and a low valley existence is known as life. We can’t pretend to understand everything nor be able to handle it appropriately every single day, but commitment outlines the course of action you will live with it come hell or high water. It is a must that you be willing to honor that commitment where you blend and bind your feelings and emotions to carry forward.

When we first get married, do we ask the question what are our commitments in marriage and what does that mean?

Many of us don’t recognize what it means as we stumble down the aisle and into what we perceive as marital bliss? I want to help you to understand that we must at least know that commitment does translate into a safer state of mind and existence and yet it is a dark place that we travel filled with hopes of a successful and happy marriage.

Commitment is the bond in a relationship that you will continue forward joined by a mutual understanding. It is no question that commitment or what we understand to be commitment becomes the major factor why couples stay together without it, there is the ever-present divorce.

When there are issues don’t disavow that divorce is sometimes necessary and may preserve key boundaries. In the processes of any relationship, when boundaries are crossed we can expect it to spell doom. The many faces of boundaries are moral, spiritual and the inspirational value of marriage. Commitment is the barrier before you cross those boundaries.

Commitment is often in this process of tangled emotions particularly when we have children it can create the reality for staying together at all cost.

That functionality of responsibility and the need to maintain a marriage at the cost of abuse and intellectual discord is not a sound way to continue in a marriage. But of course, some things bring on an intensity of emotional stress which means the introduction of the heavy stuff. Things that we must learn to sort through in an attempt to keep the marriage afloat.

There is one thing that seems to penetrate that veil of do I stay married money, honey! The money will break a marriage most of the time.

If the trends and stats are correct, half of all first marriages will end in divorce, but we continue to react as if marriage is just a game of chance.

I’m sometimes inclined to think that most people think of it as such perhaps it helps to lessen the severity of the potential outcome. Over the years a lot of organizations have developed a lot of research data which has identified various factors that seem to be associated with the higher risk of divorce. Although, it has become redundant, but that’s the commonality of divorce.

Divorce, It crosses all lines of human compatibility. As a young and gifted society, we must embrace our heritage and escort it into this new millennium with a profound desire to preserve the family tradition that is marriage. Therefore, we need to respect our relationships in all of its representations and work to understand what creates a better relationship or helps with a better divorce.

Through all of the indulgence in developing DivorceThe Talk Show, we have come to understand that some people actually have a low risk of divorce while others have a high risk.

Understanding these factors may not directly help you improve your marriage or assist you in making a decision about your divorce, but it may possibly help you understand how better to face the challenges. Read as much of everything about divorce before you divorce and watch how you evolve.

Remember to add this to your list of things to do, turn to your married friends if you still have them and share the reality of your divorce with them not your individual biases but the crippling aspects of your divorce. What you are experiencing will make them aware of the many preventative observations and actions that exist along with all of the potential healing processes which are available.

Not only will you achieve self-gratification, but you will contribute to resolving the punitive damages that are a divorce. I call it Cope, Hope and Heal.

Be a friend and inform them before they get hit. Of course, I can’t assure you that reading this piece will guarantee you anything about your divorce and or marriage.

My simple goal is to increase awareness of the risk and identify the issues that divorced people will face. But, most importantly, the intent is to increase your knowledge to help reduce that risk of divorce and help you survive how you can get through it.

Facing the challenges of divorce is when you can recognize the various factors that increase the risk of divorce. This will become important as you forge ahead with your commitment to having a healthy life after divorce.

Loneliness enables you to conjure thoughts that may not be realistic, often causing you to wish that you and your ex-spouse had worked through your differences.

A survey was offered to some folks in Utah who were asked that same question; 31% of men who had divorced said they wished that they had worked harder to save their marriage. 74% said they wished their ex-wife had worked harder to save the marriage as well. 13% of women who had divorced said they wished that they had worked harder to save their marriage coupled with 65% said they wished their ex- husband had worked harder to save the marriage.

Believe me, after divorce you find so many things that trigger your emotions. As you keep divorce at bay, you will think of all of the things to help change your mind.

Now that divorce has taken its full measure and complete toll, there are still periods of time where you will feel like you can’t do it anymore. Divorce will make you search for companionship, that at times will be unbalanced you seek those physical desires. We all yearn for a potential mate and physical attention, which may not be the right thing at that time.

This pendulum keeps swinging a lot,   all that is left is a happy face and to keep going forward continue to look for the tools that can help you escape the pitfalls of divorce and life after divorce. As you make an effort to survive, you won’t believe who is rooting for your successful salvation of life after divorce.

We strive as human beings in marriage to couple our lives with someone or something that brings joy, and yet we face the commonality of divorce.

Who have I been and what I’m I now? These are the questions we must ask ourselves as we learn to master our desire for companionship. The commonality of relationships is it marriage or is it divorce. I leave you with our desire to help you harness the tragedy that is divorce, assuring you that Divorce; The Talk Show will help you Cope, Hope and Heal.

ABOUT JAMES

James, grew up in San Francisco, and has lived in Salt Lake City, for over 25 plus, and is a second time divorcee with 4 children. 

With his diverse background in television, both in front and behind the camera, Mr. Brown is the driving force behind the highly innovative production of Divorce The Talk Show; A New Beginning, a multi-platform production which is led by new media engagement using digital, mobile as well as the legacy media (television) platform to reach a growing number of people who have gone through a radical change in life via divorce.

Mr. Brown has a background that makes him unique and perfect to support effort to make change in divorce. He has been at the center of development in corporate recruiting programs including Discover Card which focused on youth and minorities; developed diverse training seminars for corporations; created programs that provided scholarships for deserving, disadvan­taged students as well as building one of the finest film and television production studios (Salt Lake Studios) in the western U.S.A.

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