coping and dealing with divorce - Page 6

I Just Want To Get Back To Normal: Why Divorce Is A Marathon Not A Sprint.
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I Just Want to Get Back to Normal: Why Divorce Recovery is a Marathon Not a Sprint

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

The Long Game of Divorce Recovery

My inspiration this week comes from an interesting conversation I recently had with a person on Twitter. He struggles with the fact that even after three years, he still battles daily with co-parenting and trying to heal from his divorce.

He has two children under ten and says communication with his ex usually ends in high conflict.

He told me, “I just want things to return to normal again”.

The thing about divorce that most people get blindsided by is how long it takes to feel better.

Yes, there are things you can do to distract yourself from the pain, like new relationships or new challenges in your career, taking up new hobbies.

Yet, divorce just seems to have a way of returning to the front and centre of your life in cycles.

After sharing some communication tips with my friend on Twitter, I started reflecting on how I was tracking at the three-year mark after my divorce.

The Sound of Silence

It’s those moments late at night that get you. You hop into bed after the busyness of the day, and then there is nothing else. In the stillness of the dark, the thoughts come.

Memories of the past that were good, memories that were painful. Ironically, even some of the happier memories can make you feel sad because you know you can never go back to those times.

Fears of the future can ramp up anxiety….Will I love again? Will my kids be ok? Is this new relationship really what I need? Should I have taken time to be alone?

These thoughts can come even several years down the track.

Extreme guilt plagued me for a very long time. I went through periods of feeling good because everything seemed to be working, but when the stresses of life and the inevitable bumps in the road hit me and the kids, it triggered the guilt I felt that I couldn’t keep my marriage together.

When I went through an excruciating breakup five years after my divorce, I felt as though I had wasted all that time in a new relationship, trying to prove to myself that I was lovable and could make it work with someone after all. When it ended, it was like confirmation that I was defective.

I experienced a new round of heartache that triggered all my old divorce grief and pain to come flooding back. It took a long time to recover, and I’m thankful every day that I’ve finally healed from both my marriage and my first relationship post-divorce.

I have spoken to many people who have been 3–5 years down the track from their divorces. They are incredulous that they can still be emotionally wiped out after feeling like they are making progress.

Here’s the thing, it’s not like a band-aid. One rip, and it’s all over.

Divorce is an ever-evolving entity.

It might be smooth sailing for a few months or even a year or so. Then all of a sudden, you could find yourself going through an emotionally stressful time.

One of your children might go through a milestone or transition and start acting out in ways that stress and confuse you. You may be dealing with an illness in the family, job stress, or financial worries.

If you find yourself more stressed or worried than usual about something that is happening with your kids, your career or extended family, this could impact your co-parenting relationship, and you may find it harder to get along with your ex-spouse.

You can start to see that divorce recovery is not just a question of how much time passes.

You’re dealing with many unknown variables. Your ex-spouse and all of their life’s decisions, your children and all of the changes and experiences they will go through over time, new relationships and possibly new children that add different dynamics to the family unit.

Even if you don’t have children, you may find that several years down the track, you miss your ex-spouse or wonder if things could have been different.

A Marathon vs A Sprint

The best way to prepare for this realisation is to view divorce recovery as a marathon rather than a sprint.

Training for a marathon requires a different type of game plan than training for a sprint.

Just as athletes prepare themselves for endurance events, so should you prepare yourself for the long game when it comes to divorce.

With divorce recovery, you need high levels of self-care and self-awareness to ensure that you have enough energy and emotional resilience to make it through whatever comes your way over the years.

The number one thing you can do to help yourself is to identify all the things you can control and then set goals around achieving them. (While at the same time giving yourself grace when things don’t go 100% right).

Once you identify those things you can control, you can work on letting go of all the things you can’t. Stress, anxiety and burnout all come from trying to control those things that are simply not in your control.

Let’s look at some things that you do have control over:

  • Your thoughts
  • Your reactions
  • The rules and expectations in your own household
  • How you communicate with your children
  • How you support your kids and provide for them
  • What sort of food your children eat
  • How you manage your finances
  • Your physical and mental well-being
  • Your coping strategies when you’re under stress

Now let’s look at the things you have no control over:

  • Rules and expectations at your ex’s house
  • What your ex says to your children
  • How your ex manages their finances
  • Who your ex chooses to be in a relationship with
  • What your kids eat or wear when they’re with your ex
  • Your ex’s ways of coping when they are under stress

You get the picture. These are of course not extensive lists, but it gives you an idea of where you may be expending your energy where it’s not doing you any good.

Seek Support

Letting go is not easy. It can invoke fear in us. It’s helpful to talk to someone who can guide you to identify what you need to focus on and find the strength to let go of what you have no power over.

It sounds daunting, but once you can get into the practice of only putting energy into the actions that support your well-being, your life becomes more manageable, co-parenting becomes more peaceful, and you can start to feel happy and ‘back to normal’ again.

I hope that wherever this post finds you, you are in a place of feeling strong and capable as you navigate your divorce recovery.

More articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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Our Successful Nesting Co-Parenting Arrangement Benefited From a Team of Professionals.
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Helping Children Cope with Divorce: 6 Essential Steps

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Psychologist and Founding Editor
TDM

Divorce happens. And as soon as the children know about it, that moment, can become a watershed moment for your child or children. However, as much as divorce is important, what is even more crucial is how it’s handled.

The divorce process is already physically, emotionally and mentally challenging making it extremely hard to play the good, attentive and caring parent as much you would like to.

You will make mistakes no doubt. You will say things and do things with your child in the room that you wish you hadn’t. Then you will spend time worrying that you have somehow permanently damaged your child.

“Crazy” moments like these, that are not consistent and repetitive, are quickly and easily mended with an acknowledgement from you to them that it shouldn’t have happened followed by a genuine apology.

Divorce being the delicate, confusing and life-changing time that it is, here are some important things to keep in mind when looking after your children:

  • Don’t go it alone! Get yourself some support. This is said so often yet it’s amazing how so many don’t do it and continue walking around like some sort of warrior person. You see without support, good, strong and objective support, you will crack. And when you do, the people closest to you will be the first to be affected and those people are very likely going to be your children. So put your own support system in place.
  • Don’t assume that your children understand why your marriage ended, especially the younger ones. You know why and your partner knows why too but for children, splitting up the family to make life better may not make any sense and if it doesn’t make sense then they cannot cope with it all. So do, pay attention to the questions they ask and try and answer them in the best way possible without painting their other parent as the horrid, evil villain – even if it’s true. Remember as Haim Ginott says, children never ask questions to which they know the answer
  • Avoid making promises that you know you won’t or cannot keep. Don’t say things on the spur of the moment just to make them feel better knowing that in time, the truth will reveal itself and they will be left feeling crushed. For instance don’t promise that you will get back together or that you will see them every weekend if you know that that will never be the case. If you don’t know what will happen, tell them exactly that.
  • Create parenting plans that are child centred and appropriate for their age as opposed to what works just for you. An 18-month toddler cannot build a good and loving relationship if he only sees his father once a month for one day. A parenting plan created for a three-yea-old is unlikely to work the same way on a 13 year old. So be prepared to adjust the plan as your child grows.
  • Do let your child’s school know what’s going on. Don’t ask your children to keep affairs of the home secret. It’s not fair. You school-aged child spends most of his/her/their waking time at school so they will need looking after there as much as at home.
  • A stitch in time saves nine. If you are concerned about your child’s changes in behaviour, then do contact a professional as soon as possible.This person can help you continue parenting your child as you would like. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing this, on the contrary, it means that you are continuing to look after your child by getting you and him/her help so as to make them feel better as they rebuild their lives.

Divorce is a watershed moment in the life of any child, no matter how amicable the whole process is.

Having said this, divorce needn’t be a trauma that permanently changes who your child is. Handle it well and it will be something your child went through at some point in his/her life as opposed to something that now and forever defines who they are.

Read more articles by Soila.

About Soila

Soila is a child development psychologist and the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine. She is known for easing the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and has been working with children and families for almost two decades.  Soila holds a BSc (Hons) in psychology from the Open University and an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London). She is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and very recently completed her professional doctoral training in Counselling Psychology and is awaiting registration.

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Breaking Bad News: How To Tell People You're Getting Divorced
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Breaking Bad News: How To Tell People You’re Getting Divorced

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce is a deeply personal and life-altering decision; sharing this news with your family and friends can be terrifying.

It’s not just a case of taking a deep breath, saying it once and moving on. You have to say it several times over to a wide range of people.

However, honest and brave communication is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships and providing your loved ones with the support and understanding they need during this transition.

I remember living with the stress of knowing we needed to get the ball rolling on our separation, yet also dreading the conversations I knew I would have to have.

Here are some essential tips to help you navigate the process of informing your family and friends about your divorce with confidence, empathy and mindfulness.

Choose the Right Time and Setting to Talk About your Divorce

Choosing the right time and setting to have this conversation is vital. Consider finding a quiet, comfortable environment where everyone can focus and freely express themselves.

Avoid sharing the news during emotionally charged moments or important family events if you can.

Prepare Yourself Emotionally

Preparing yourself is crucial before sharing the news. Acknowledge that different family members will react in diverse ways.

Be ready for a range of emotions, from surprise and sadness to confusion and even anger. Build your own emotional resilience by reminding yourself that your decision is based on what is best for everyone’s emotional well-being in the long run.

Be Honest and Concise

When discussing your divorce, be honest and concise without going into excessive detail. Explain your decision without assigning blame or involving others in the reasons you are deciding to end the marriage.

Try not to fall into the trap of feeling as though you have to justify. Make peace with the fact that some people in your life may never truly understand your decision. It’s not your job to convince them that this choice is right for you and your family.

Focus on the positives that will come from ending a marriage that is not working and is taking an emotional toll on everyone. Emphasise that this decision was not taken lightly and was made in all parties’ best interests.

Express Empathy and Understanding

Recognise that your loved ones may experience various emotions in response to your news. Offer empathy and understanding as they process the information and allow them to express their feelings.

Encourage open communication and actively listen to their concerns and questions without becoming defensive. Remember, they are grappling with their own emotions and may need time to adjust to the changes.

Reassurance is Important

Although it might seem odd that you have to support your family members when you are the one who is going through emotional hell, you have to be mindful of the fact that it’s highly likely you’ve had a lot more time to get your head around this happening than they have.

I was taken aback when I told my nephew and his girlfriend about our separation, and they both started to cry. I ended up having to comfort them. I wasn’t expecting it, and it made me feel awful that I’d made them feel that way.

Assure your family and friends that your decision to divorce does not diminish your love and care for them. Let them know that you will continue to be a part of their lives. Change can be worrying, and your friends and family want to know that some things won’t change.

Dig Deep When They Make Mistakes

Friends, family, co-workers, neighbours. Everyone has something to say when you let them know that your marriage is ending.

Some will murmur sympathetically. Some will tell you all about their sister’s friend’s daughter’s niece who got divorced (Fun!). Some will put a knife through your heart with flippant comments without realising it.

One acquaintance of mine looked at me like she was going to fall down to her knees and said, ‘What about the kids??!!’.

I needed that like a hole in the head.

I had to breathe through many conversations and try to find understanding and forgiveness when I wanted to tell them all to shut up and mind their own business.

Telling people is a necessary part of the process. Dig deep when well-meaning people say stupid things.

Maintain Boundaries and Privacy

While it’s essential to communicate openly with your family and friends, remember that certain aspects of your divorce are personal and private.

Establish boundaries regarding what you’re comfortable sharing and ensure that your loved ones understand and respect your need for privacy.

It’s okay to set limits and redirect conversations when they become too intrusive or uncomfortable.

Simply state, “That’s all I’m ready to talk about at the moment”. End of story.

Final Thoughts – Telling Your Loved Ones About Divorce

Telling family and friends about your divorce is a significant step in facing the reality of your marriage ending.

It’s challenging when you have to have a difficult conversation many times over. You can make it easier on yourself by being prepared with an ‘elevator speech’ ready to go and by being assertive when you want to end the conversation for now.

Remember, your decision to pursue a divorce is about prioritising your happiness and creating a healthier future. Stay true to yourself, seek support when needed, and approach the process with compassion for both yourself and your loved ones.

Discover more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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When children of divorce become caregivers.
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When Children of Divorce Become Caregivers

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Psychologist and Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

I often say that it’s ok for children of divorce or separation to see you upset, distressed, and crying when going through the process.

It is important for them to know that you too are hurting because by knowing this and by showing your emotions, you are inadvertently giving them permission to feel the pain and hurt that the divorce process gives rise to and just to show them that you are indeed human after all.

It’s usually very difficult for children of divorce, especially a sensitive one, to watch their parent fall apart and not do anything about it or feel that they are somehow responsible for the sadness or breakdown. They will very often do their best to rectify the situation by taking care of you, in the best way that they know; asking you if you’re all right, if they can get you something or do something to make you feel better.

This is a very normal reaction to a specific situation but allow it to become the norm or go on for too long and you’re changing your child’s life trajectory. When a child becomes a caregiver they become your advisor, your mentor, the person looking after you. This set-up is definitely not conducive to helping children cope with divorce.

When a parent makes a statement like, “Sophia takes care of me. She doesn’t like to see me sad and will sometimes just come and put her arms around to make me feel better,” the first question that comes to my mind is, “And whom does Sophia turn to? What does Kimani do with his own feelings and thoughts of fear, confusion, and loss?

The answer to this is most likely that they suppress them or blocks them because there is nowhere else to take them. There is no adult container for their adverse and undesirable thoughts and feelings.

“When a child turned caregiver tries to attend to her own needs and wishes, she feels guilty and undeserving…When a child forfeits her childhood and adolescence to take on responsibilities for a parent, her capacity to enjoy her life as a young person, develop close friendships and cultivate shared interests is sacrificed…it is an overburdening that seriously inhibits the child’s freedom to separate normally and to lead a healthy adolescence…”[1]

So, it is okay for your child to see you cry, be distressed, and upset because fact is that the divorce process is a difficult journey for all to be on.

It is beneficial and advantageous for them to know that you are hurting too but, hard as it maybe, we need to continue being the parents and the adults in the room, the container and processor of your child’s feelings of anxiety, fear and confusion in seeing the family unit he once knew disintegrate into something unfamiliar and foreign.

[1] Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J., and Blakeslee, S.,(2002), ‘The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study.’

Read more articles by Soila

About Soila

 Soila is a child development psychologist and the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine. She is known for easing the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and has been working with children and families for almost two decades

Soila holds a BSc (Hons) in psychology from the Open University and an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London). She is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and very recently completed her professional doctoral training in Counselling Psychology and is awaiting registration.

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Take a Getaway to Refresh Your Mental Health After Divorce.
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Take a Getaway to Refresh Your Mental Health After Divorce

Published on

Most people enter a marriage with hopes of the union lasting a lifetime, but broken promises and changing circumstances can make staying together untenable. The sudden disruption of the family unit and daily routine can unsettle you and leave you scrambling for a way to move forward.

Jump Start Your Fitness Regimen

A physical journey can symbolise and lay the foundation for the beginning of a new fitness journey. Research shows that exercise boosts your mental health along with your physical well-being. A resort may offer stimulating and relaxing wellness activities. Stay moving during your retreat by taking tours and excursions by walking, biking, kayaking, or another method of active travel.

New cultures and experiences may open up unique nutritious cuisine. Review menus ahead of restaurant visits to find healthy options. Seek fresh food preparation ideas and recipes that avoid excess sugars and cheap fats and add a few to your diet.

Get in Touch With Nature

The outdoors offers a perfect time to meditate and ponder where you’ve been and where you want to head next. Forest bathing relieves many ailments and enhances your mood. Of course, you can substitute the beach, snowy mountains, or any natural setting for the forest as long as you enjoy an unhurried and peaceful time outdoors. Bring the practice back home with you for re-centering yourself in stressful moments.

Strengthen Old Relationships

Going through a divorce can be a challenging and emotionally taxing experience for anyone involved. During this time, it’s important to prioritize your mental health and wellbeing. Seeking out emotional support and counselling can be an effective way to cope with the stressors and challenges that come along with divorce.

By addressing and working through your feelings with a trained professional, you can begin to heal and move forward in a positive direction. Mental health support can also help ensure that you are equipped to make informed decisions about your future and your relationships with others.

Make New Healthy Friendships

Beware of rebound relationships to avoid dealing with unresolved issues. Spend time getting to know yourself, but don’t restrict yourself from forming new bonds with someone who supports you with honesty, integrity, and empathy. Your trip may allow you to meet new people who become lifelong loved ones.

Strengthen Old Relationships

If stress or an unhealthy marriage caused you to neglect sincere friends and family, a trip together can help you restore the relationship. Focus on each other, and don’t use the time to rehash old wounds. Steer the conversation away from your ex and remain positive. If you travel alone, reflect on the good people in your life and send warm greetings to loved ones back home to reaffirm your affection.

Plan Your Trip Now

If you’re ready for a getaway to rejuvenate your mind and spirit, use these tips to plan your trip:

  • Set your budget. Resources may be in flux as your divorce legal team guides you to a fair settlement. Figure out what you can afford and if you can travel far away or need to stay closer to home.
  • Fix your timeframe. Kids and work may affect how long you can break away. Try to at least take a long weekend so you can settle into your mental refresh for a day or two without travel.
  • Find your destination and accommodations. If you can’t head to your ideal retreat, find a spot that offers something similar. Set alerts for special offers on travel sites. Plane fares and hotel stays are often cheaper during the week and calmer because of fewer patrons.

Secure Your Home

Securing your home when you travel, by installing a home security system, locking all doors and windows, enlisting a trusted neighbor to keep an eye out, and setting lights on a timer or with smart home technology can help deter potential intruders and safeguard your property and belongings while you’re away.

Additionally, taking extra precautions such as pausing mail and newspaper delivery, removing spare keys from hiding places, and updating social media settings to avoid announcing your absence can further increase safety and security. If you’re adding security features to your home, be sure to document any upgrades as they could raise your home’s appraised value.

Take Time to Reset and Refresh

Dramatic changes require time and reflection to process the transition correctly. Use a personal retreat to rejuvenate your mental and emotional health and start the next chapter of your life on solid footing.

Are you looking for more helpful resources about life after divorce? Then add The Divorce Magazine to your weekly e-reading list!

Read more articles by Daniel Sherwin.

About Daniel

Daniel is a single dad raising two children. At DadSolo.com, he aims to provide other single dads with information and resources to help them better equip themselves on the journey that is parenthood.

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Mediation must be voluntary to ensure access to justice.
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Mediation Must be Voluntary to Ensure Access to Justice

Published on
The Law Society
The Law Society
Professional Body for Solicitors
England & Wales

Divorcing couples should not be subject to mandatory mediation, as putting barriers in place to attending court is likely to deny access to justice, the Law Society of England and Wales said today in response to a government consultation.

The consultation launched in March is seeking views on supporting earlier resolution of private family law arrangements. In its response to the consultation the Law Society is calling on:

  • Mediation to not be mandatory in divorce cases;
  • Early advice for all (subject to means testing)*
  • Support for domestic abuse victims as they go through the court process, which has not been detailed in the government’s proposals;

“The family courts are experiencing significant backlogs and delays.** We are pleased the government is seeking early resolution for families,” Law Society President Lubna Shuja said.

“Delays have a detrimental impact on families seeking justice and can mean parents are prevented from seeing their children. This leaves children without the stability they need to thrive.

“The problems facing the family court will not go away overnight, but with a robust framework, early legal advice and greater options for divorcing couples, there is more chance of early resolution.”

Commenting on mediation being mandatory Lubna Shuja said: “We understand the value of mediation in resolving family disputes amicably without needing to go to court.

“We do not agree, however, with making mediation compulsory. No form of dispute resolution should be mandatory. Attendance must be voluntary for it to be effective.

“Most couples try to avoid costly court litigation and delays to resolution. The types of cases that do require a court hearing or court process – and would be impacted by the compulsory mediation scheme – are complex in nature.

“Complexity needs to be considered, otherwise these proposals could risk harm being done to vulnerable people who are legitimately seeking a court hearing.”

Commenting on support needed for victims of domestic abuse Lubna Shuja said: “The Domestic Abuse Act has been a positive step forward in the government improving the protections available for victims.

“While the government has recognised that cases concerning allegations of domestic abuse need to be an exemption to the scheme, these cases cannot simply be removed.

“Domestic abuse victims need to be referred to services that can protect and support them through the court process. This is not detailed in the government’s proposals.”

About the Law Society

The Law Society is the independent professional body that works globally to support and represent solicitors, promoting the highest professional standards, the public interest and the rule of law.

Press office contact: Naomi Jeffreys | 020 8049 3928

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Divorce Can Bring Gratitude - Here's What It Taught Me
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Divorce Can Bring Gratitude – Here’s What It Taught Me

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” — Dr Wayne Dyer

Life is about learning lessons. We are all just living in one giant university, all of us choosing our own areas of study through the choices we make.

We all have entirely different teachers, starting with our parents and families, then our friendships and, later, our love relationships. When you begin to view life as a lifelong classroom, you start to see all of your experiences through a different lens.

Life Lessons From My Divorce

Divorce taught me some of life’s hardest lessons, but I am grateful for them now that I am looking back.

These lessons can only be learnt after the fullness of time. My hope is that you will be able to use some of this to anchor yourself in the coming months and years if you are experiencing the end of your relationship.

Let’s dive in.

Nobody can escape impermanence

Impermanence is the realisation that the things we think will always be there and take for granted can be gone one day. When I signed the papers on my wedding day, I was sure I would be in a loving relationship for the rest of my life. Divorce hit me like a truck and made me question everything else.

If this could be over, what else could be over?

While this is a sobering realisation, it is an essential life lesson because impermanence affects every single person at some point: death, job losses, natural disasters, illness. Nothing is forever.

By knowing and accepting that, rather than denying anything so painful could happen, we set ourselves up to face the inevitable adversity of life with an inner confidence and strength that will get us through our darkest times.

Love does not conquer all

When I was in the first years of marriage, I truly believed that no matter what came our way, our love for each other would be strong enough to survive all of life’s challenges.

It was a profoundly sad feeling to realise that this wasn’t true. Love does not conquer all. Relationships are dynamic entities that evolve and change, sometimes out of our control.

There are no guarantees that you will grow in the same direction. You can’t control another person, so it’s naive to think that you will always be able to make a relationship work if you put in enough effort.

In the words of the Don Henley song, ‘Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough’.

People change in fundamental ways over time

In my twenties and thirties, I genuinely believed that who I was and who other people were was set in concrete.

Sure, I could change jobs, interests, political ideals or friendship groups, but I never understood how much people can change fundamentally back then. When two people change in opposite ways over many years, it’s not the same two who entered the relationship anymore.

This is what happened with my ex-husband and I. When I look at us both now, we are polar opposites of the people who looked at each other and made vows on our wedding day. We know that if we were to meet today, we wouldn’t be drawn to each other; we are just too different at the core.

I have a shadow self

The term ‘shadow self’ was coined by psychoanalyst Carl Jung to describe the parts of our personality that we hide because we find them unacceptable. You can find out more by reading this article by Andrea M. Darcy.

Separation showed me that after living with emotional stress for years, you have no idea what you’re capable of when you hit rock bottom. When past pain and trauma come out, you think and act in ways you barely recognise.

Just admitting that I didn’t want to be married anymore was a massive blow to my beliefs about my identity. I started to see myself as a failure and someone capable of inflicting pain on others. I couldn’t bear admitting that about myself.

However, this realisation has helped me accept myself as a whole person, flaws and all. I am much more forgiving of myself today. The flow-on effect is that I am more accepting and forgiving of humanity as a whole. This new mindset has given me a level of inner peace that I never thought was possible.

Realising that my ex-husband has a shadow too

When I married him, I thought he was the kindest, most caring and loyal person in the world. As it became apparent that he wasn’t always kind, didn’t always have my best interests at heart, and could see himself living without me in his life (in other words, he was human), I experienced the most significant blow of all.

It sounds dramatic, but it felt like I was living with a complete stranger in the last months before we separated. Many things I thought I knew about him turned out to be wrong. I had to accept that fact, and he had to accept the same about me.

People are judgemental

Given that the global divorce rate is still high, you would think that divorce stigma would have lifted a lot more than it has. It’s incredible how often people make flippant comments about divorced families that cut you to the core.

Now that my kids are in their teens, I see how they are happy and thriving compared to many of their friends whose parents are still married.

Having divorced parents does not make kids destined to have trouble later in life, and that’s something I will never shut up about because it causes so much anxiety in new co-parents.

If this happens to me now, I let it go immediately. Anyone who judges me for going through a divorce lacks the ability to view the world from any perspective except their own, and who cares what someone that narrow-minded thinks?

The true meaning of being alone after divorce

I love having time to myself; I’m a person who recharges by having time alone. But nothing prepares you for the loneliness of not having a partner to share life with.

In the first year after a divorce, I shifted into autopilot, almost running on adrenaline most of the time. There was a sense of relief that the stress of living in a dying relationship was finally over.

After that first year, though, when I started to ‘do life’ on my own, I began feeling intense loneliness and isolation. These uncomfortable feelings were my primary motivation for wanting to create a new relationship, which ended up being toxic and unhealthy.

It was great at the beginning when I didn’t have to deal with being lonely, but after the honeymoon period ended, all the dysfunction started to rear its head.

Three years later, I was back to square one — still, nobody to talk to and more grief to deal with. I’m determined not to do that to myself again, so I’m choosing to stay ‘single on purpose’ until I’m ready to find a partner for the right reasons, not just a distraction for bouts of loneliness.

Friends have limited bandwidth for my heartache

After divorce, friendships can go quiet. A few months into my struggles, I realised my friends had busy lives and little time to talk to me when I felt down.

Initially, I was hurt by this, but looking back now, I can see it was the ‘Nobody Can Save You’ module of life. The emotional journey of recovery from grief and loss is yours alone. Your friends love you but can’t do it for you, even if they want to.

I’m particularly grateful for this lesson as it helped me rediscover my love of journaling and writing to deal with times when I feel lonely or sad. I learnt that I have more strength and resilience than I gave myself credit for and that I don’t need anyone to rescue me.

Takeaway

It’s helpful to see your divorce as a graduation from the university of life. Nobody wants to go through all of life’s brutal lessons, but if we think we can get out of here without living through some serious pain, we are fooling ourselves.

It’s totally up to us how we want to work through the pain of recovery and come out the other side. No matter how much we feel like circumstances are stacked against us, we have the power to decide.

My greatest personal achievement is feeling emotionally equipped for whatever comes my way. By accepting impermanence and creating strategies to deal with it, my life has now become something I can face head-on, and I feel confident that no matter what comes my way, I can get myself through it.

For this, I am grateful.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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How can I legally deal with parental alienation when I am the targeted parent?
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How Can I Legally Deal with Parental Alienation When I am the Targeted Parent?

Published on
Joanne McDonald
Joanne McDonald
Associate
Furley Page

Whilst we may hear the phrase “parental alienation” more now than in years gone by, in its true form, it is still uncommon. There is currently no agreed definition for the concept, but it can be summarised as one parent being so opposed to contact between a child and the other parent that they take active steps to try to make contact impossible. Parental alienation can be perpetrated by either parent, regardless of gender identification or sex.

The behaviours constituting parental alienation vary greatly but typically include an ongoing pattern of negative behaviours to influence, manipulate and/ or pressure a child into aligning themselves with one parent rather than the other.  This may include denigrating, demeaning, ridiculing or dismissing the other parent by telling false stories to the child about their other parent, or withholding information from the child about their other parent which may show the other parent in a positive light.

Alienation should not be confused with low level hostility / resentment of one parent towards another which can be present immediately following a separation whilst emotions are running high. Rather, parental alienation is a consistent and deliberate attempt to undermine or put an end to a child’s relationship with their other parent.

The result of alienation is that a child has genuine fear and resistance towards contact with their other parent as they have been manipulated and led to believe that the parent is negative or presents a risk in some way or another.

If you are the parent who is the target of alienation, the most important thing is to act quickly. The longer a child is exposed to alienating behaviours, the more likely it is that harm will be suffered by the child. Court proceedings are not a quick-fix and complex matters can take several hearings to resolve.

Depending on the circumstances, the first step is to issue an application with the court for child arrangements order and make clear on the form you have concerns about parental alienation. The application should be accompanied by an Allegations of Harm form which provides a greater opportunity to elaborate on the alienation allegations.

When court proceedings have been issued, an officer from the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS) will be allocated to the case and you will have an opportunity to discuss the allegations with them. CAFCASS will then make recommendations to the court as to what the next steps should be.

This may be for CAFCASS to undertake a detailed report to ascertain any areas of welfare concerns including alienation as well as the child’s wishes and feelings. To achieve this, CAFCASS will likely speak to the child in question and assess why they have resistance to contact or talk to the other parent and try  to understand whether the child’s view is likely resulting from alienating behaviours. CAFCASS may also recommend other steps such as attendance at a separated parents information programme.

In some cases, an expert psychologist may be appointed to assess the child and any emotional harm they may be suffering, but ultimately, the existence of parental alienation is not a syndrome to be diagnosed. What is important is identifying whether alienating behaviour has taken place and, if so, what emotional harm that behaviour has caused to a child and their relationship with the alienated parent and what can be done about it.

The court has the power to make various orders in relation to the time a child lives and spends with each parent. The court can also make orders to enforce such arrangements which may assist in some cases, but sometimes the court has to go further.

In serious cases of alienation, the court has demonstrated that it can and will order a change in residence of a child from the alienating parent to the alienated parent if that is in the child’s best interests. An order can then be made for the child to have contact with the perpetrating parent, but it may be that further safeguards and / or conditions are required to make that contact safe for the child and without undermining the alienated parent further. This can mean the involvement of supervision of contact and / or there being a break in contact between the perpetrating parent and the child to allow the relationship with the alienated parent to be re-established.

Support for parental alienation

Cases involving parental alienation can be complex and it is advisable to seek legal advice from a specialist in this area of the law. If you have questions about parental alienation, please feel free to get in touch so one of the team of family law experts at Furley Page can help.

Read more articles by Furley Page.

About Joanne McDonald

Joanne joined the Family law team at Furley Page as an Associate in October 2021.  Joanne is a member of Resolution for Family Law and adheres to a Code of Practice promoting a constructive approach to the resolution of family matters.

Joanne has always had a passion for family law and demonstrates this through her commitment to clients. She understands that the breakdown of a relationship can be distressing and strives to ensure that clients feel supported through the process. As well as relationship breakdown, Joanne advises clients prior to marriage in respect of nuptial agreements and clients who are making the decision to cohabit with a partner and want to ensure clarity of future arrangements.

Contact Joanne McDonald, Associate Solicitor in Furley Page’s family law team on 01634 828277 or email JLM@furleypage.co.uk.

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Five Ways Co-Parents Can Improve Their Communication
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Five Ways Co-Parents Can Improve Their Communication

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Reduce your stress levels and work as a high functioning team.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

– H.Jackson Brown Jr

My ex-husband was the poster boy for staying cool, calm, and collected. It always seemed like nothing could rattle him. In fifteen years of knowing him, I’d only ever seen him really angry once.

In fact, he used to tell me that I had a temper and would belittle me if I ever got angry or upset. That’s the way they were in his family. It wasn’t acceptable to show anything other than a polite smile.

So when I saw him completely lose control and throw a bowl through our bay window during the last months of our marriage, I was shocked.

It highlighted to me just how much stress the end of a relationship will put people under, even those who are very good at hiding their emotions.

Conflict is inevitable when you’re going through a separation, especially when you throw co-parenting into the mix. Our ex knows us inside and out, and they know exactly how to trigger the hurt in us, whether intentionally or by accident.

Nothing brings out our stress and fear more than the thought that our kids might be caught in the middle of something that isn’t good for their emotional well-being.

If your marriage is ending, there’s a high chance you were experiencing a communication breakdown and could not make each other see what you needed. With separation and co-parenting, the need to become a better communicator is even more critical.

Each couple is unique in terms of their communication skills. There may be one person who is level-headed and can keep their cool. One of you may find it easier to rise above the need to be right over keeping the peace.

Whatever you’re dealing with, wherever you are starting from, there is always room to improve your communication skills and make it easier on yourself, your kids, and your ex-spouse.

The primary goal of any communication should be to hear what your ex is saying and find outcomes that are in the best interests of everyone, including you.

Making sacrifices shouldn’t fall on the shoulders of one person. It’s a team effort.

Why is good communication so important?

Think about it. Once you separate from your spouse, you are now in a working relationship. The role is to parent your children the best way that you can.

Imagine a workplace where the employees didn’t talk, or they started getting upset or yelling every time they spoke. They’d be unlikely to produce good ‘results’. In this case, confident, settled children.

If you’re wanting to improve communication with your ex-spouse, here are five ways you can make working together more effective:

  1. Choose your timing

Fatigue is the enemy of good communication. Effective communication requires a lot of brain power, and emotional energy saps our bodies. If you feel exhausted after an intense talk, you’re not alone. It’s completely normal to feel that way.

I remember when my ex-husband and I went to couples therapy, and I would come out feeling absolutely drained. Just the look on his face made me want to crawl into bed and sleep for days.

Talking about things your partner may not receive well takes a lot of energy. Ditto having to hear some harsh truths from their end as well.

There are always good and bad times to try and have a challenging conversation. If you’ve just walked in the door from a hard day at work or been struggling with one of your kids about something, that’s not the best time to contact your ex.

If you’ve been out the night before and are feeling worse for wear, I would avoid all contact with your ex under those circumstances if possible.

  1. Put the phone down

These days most communication is done through instant messaging or texting. The issue with this is an immediate response is right at our fingertips. The fingers fly when we are feeling attacked, hurt, or self-righteous.

Arguing through texts is never a great idea. Context can very quickly get lost, and reactions are instant.

If you find yourself emotionally triggered by something you’ve read in a text, try putting your phone down and walking away. Find something you can do for 15–30 minutes. Set a timer on your phone, and commit to not responding until the timer has gone off.

  1. Is it urgent?

Ask yourself if you need to respond immediately. Many times we react to something purely because someone has sent us something. We don’t stop to ask ourselves, ‘Do I need to answer this text/email/voice message straight away?’.

If not, give yourself time to mull over the message and how you would like to respond.

  1. Speak quietly

There is power in speaking quietly. Your instinct might be to raise your voice when you feel like you aren’t being heard. It feels counter-intuitive, but talking loudly reduces the chances that you’ll get your point across effectively.

Once you start to raise your voice during a discussion, you have lost the willingness of your audience to listen. All your ex hears is someone yelling at them, and their cortisol levels rise. When cortisol increases, the brain loses the ability to process what is being heard properly.

When you think of it that way, you realize that yelling is pointless.

If you get to a point where you feel like you have to raise your voice to be heard, take a time out. Reschedule the conversation for another time.

  1. Use digital communication

Face-to-face interactions can be far more challenging than digital communication. Each mode has pros and cons.

However, the main benefit of emailing is that you get to take stock and think about your reply before sending it. You can then re-read your writing and tweak it if you need to. Take out any unnecessary information and stick solely to the subject.

Take things one day at a time

Treat each interaction like a data-gathering exercise in the first months of co-parenting. Learn what methods of communication work best for you and for your ex-spouse. Make it a priority to become a co-parent who can be an open, curious team player.

There will always be those times when Murphy’s Law kicks in, and anything that can go wrong will go wrong. You’ll find yourself in a conversation that ambushes you out of nowhere and end up in an argument.

This happened to me recently after ten years of great communication. My ex and I started to disagree about holiday plans for the kids over text. I told him that I would give him a call in an hour to talk about it in person.

When I got hold of him, he had calmed down and we managed to sort it out rationally without arguing.

In the past, I would have entered into a back-and-forth with my own reasons about why I felt I was right, but these days I trust my ability to stay calm and talk it through assertively. I can hear my ex out and, at the same time, stand my ground where I need to.

It’s a delicate balance and one that comes with time and practice.

Takeaway

Quality communication is an essential part of successful co-parenting. Learning effective ways to interact with your ex strengthens the working relationship and reduces your stress levels.

Less stress means you’ll be able to function at a higher level and show up consistently for your kids, career, friends, and family, and most importantly, yourself.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

The importance of pet nups during divorce proceedings
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Importance of ‘Pet Nups’ Highlighted by Former Couple Ant McPartlin and Lisa Armstrong

Published on
Natasha Abel
Natasha Abel
Family Law Solicitor
Brindley Twist Tafft & James Solicitors

Former spouses Ant McPartlin and Lisa Armstrong have recently been back in the headlines – almost three years after their divorce – this time as they prepare for a fresh battle over custody of their pet dog.

While who might get to keep the pets in the event of a break-up may not be a priority discussion among happy couples, leading solicitor Brindley Twist Tafft & James (BTTJ) warns it can often be a contributory factor in bitter disputes among those who later break up.

Most importantly, any mutual decision should be formalised with an official legal document, or ‘pet nup’.

Most of us have probably made light-hearted comments at one time or another about keeping our pets in the event of a break-up. But without a formalised document such jokes can escalate into full-blown battles between former couples who have gone their separate ways.

We see pets as family and it is so easy for them to become yet another subject of dispute alongside the children, property, pensions and finances.

Once a couple has split up it is in the best interests of both parties to try to reach agreement between themselves over the welfare of a pet.

If no agreement is reached the couple may approach a solicitor who will suggest mediation or, as a last resort, court proceedings.

A pet nup is a detailed agreement between two partners which specifies who the pet lives with, who pays for the upkeep – food, vet bills, insurance and other costs, who decides on medical treatment and what will happen to the animal if the relationship breaks down.

We would always urge that an agreement is formally drawn up and legal advice is sought by both parties before signing the document. Then, if the relationship did break down, it avoids future conflict as to the welfare of the animal.

Some people are happy for their pets to live with one party during the week while the other takes care of them during holidays. Others are happy to look after the pet for half a week each.

As well as couples, pet nups are open to families and even friends who share pets. Although not yet formally recognised, law courts are still very likely to uphold pet nups if it can be proven that:

  • Both parties entered into the agreement freely
  • Neither party was under undue pressure or subject to misrepresentation
  • Both parties sought legal advice
  • Both parties intend that the agreement is final in governing future welfare of the pet
  • Both parties understand the implications of the pet nup
  • There is sufficient evidence within the document to prove that the pet nup is fair and in the interests of the pet.

About Natasha

Natasha Abel is a Family Law Solicitor at Brindley Twist Tafft & James Solicitors, where she deals with a whole range of family matters whether they are straight forward or very complex. She spends 40% of her working time on family matters and 60% of her working time on matrimonial matters.

As a member of Resolution, Natasha works in accordance with their Code of Practice to deal with matters in a constructive manner. Natasha works with her clients to provide support and explore all options including not only the court process, but other methods of dispute resolution to best suit their individual needs.

Natasha is also a member of the Law Society‘s Family Law Panel and has been accredited since 2011. Accreditations within the panel show that the individual is a specialist in their area of law.

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The words of wisdom to help you cope with life after divorce.
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Redesigning your Life After Divorce – Part 2: The Words of Wisdom to Help you Cope with Life After Divorce

Published on
Dr Jennifer Ulie
Dr Jennifer Ulie
Founder & CEO
Mensana Wellness Solutions

A divorce can be a gift in creating an even better life for yourself. In this three-part series, we are exploring creating your dream life post-divorce. In Part One, we discussed what was at stake and the impact of stress on the body. In Part Two, we will discuss words of wisdom to help you cope with life after divorce. By taking a proactive approach to personal growth, you can turn the end of your marriage into an opportunity for self-discovery and transformation.

I have some specific steps and exercises for you to work through to help get you on the path to healing, but first, I thought I would share a few words of advice as someone that has been the child of a divorce, walked through a divorce myself, and worked with many people that are also struggling with a divorce.

  1. You get to feel what you feel—part one.

No two divorces are the same, nor are the people going through them. As you proceed through a divorce, sometimes people don’t know what to say, or they say something that they think is helpful like, “You’ll be fine. Just start moving on. For the sake of your kids don’t show emotion.” While they may be well-intentioned, at the end of the day, you are the only person going through your divorce in your shoes, so you get to feel however the heck you want to feel. A divorce is a grieving experience for what the life you wanted to have and a significant life change to orchestrate. You may find that one day you feel one emotion, and the next, you think another. However, you feel it is perfectly correct for you.

  1. You get to feel what you feel—part two.

A few months after we started our separation, I was at my obstetrician for my regular check-up. He asked how I was, and I started crying. I explained everything that was happening, and I couldn’t stop crying. He told me he would prescribe an anti-depressant because my emotions were making it hard for me to function successfully, and the stress could impact not just my child inutero but both of my kids.

I cried my way through a thank you and started my new med the next day. Within a few days, I stopped crying and could not only be functional but began to be hopeful and possibly excited for my new chapter.

I share this because you do not have to suffer through the pain. You do not win a medal if you “push through it” while absolutely miserable. You get to feel whatever you feel, but you also deserve to be happy, healthy, and to start to heal and thrive.

Lean into your support system, and do not be afraid to ask for help. If you feel like you are in a crisis, dial 988. They do not just support people who are fully suicidal. They support people at any stage along the way. So if you are thinking about harming yourself or anyone else, please call.

I also refer people to Psychology Today to look up therapists. Typically it shows a picture, their specialties, and other background information to help you choose. If you are a parent, there is no better skill and strength to model to your children than asking for help when needed.

  1. Make time for yourself.

I know this sounds cliché and like an impossible feat when you already have so many plates spinning on a good day, but now, with a divorce in the mix. Yet it’s vital, and let me tell you why.

Unfortunately, when we go through a divorce, most of us do not have the luxury of halting our previous obligations like our jobs, bills, if we have kids- raising them, and all of the other commitments relying on us. That said, we are human and can only handle so much.

Think of yourself as a bottle of soda (or pop, depending on where you grew up), and then think of your stress as shaking the bottle. Most days, we give that bottle a good shake at least a few times throughout the day. Some days we get lucky, and

there are fewer shakes. Adding a divorce into the mix is like putting that bottle of soda into the paint-shaking machine at the paint store. Your bottle of soda is being constantly shaken with stress.

Remember we talked earlier about the impact of stress on your body, so you will need to be very intentional in countering that stress impact to minimize damage to your body now and in the future. If you do not actively try to reduce that stress, your bottle will eventually hit its breaking point and explode. Trust me, you do not want that.

One way to take your bottle of soda out of the paint shaker is to intentionally make time for yourself. Every. Single. Day. I’m not asking you to carve out three hours a day, but when you can, I definitely would. Even five minutes a day to do something that brings you joy is imperative to allow your brain to decompress and work towards reregulating your nervous system.

I recommend that you plan ahead of time when you are making this time and what you are doing because if your plan is to crash on the couch every night and drown yourself in sorrows with a six-pack, that will only shake your bottle of soda more. The goal is to give yourself time to escape from your situation to pour into yourself.

Incidentally, alcohol is a depressant, so while you may feel numb while you’re drinking, the next day may feel worse, which is why we start to see addictions take shape because to feel okay, we self-medicate with substances regularly.

Instead, I recommend spending time with family and friends. They are an incredibly uplifting distraction, and laughing is an excellent medicine for increasing serotonin. Other suggestions are forcing yourself to go on a walk, even if it’s just around the block, meditating, enjoying a hobby, putting together a puzzle, reading a book or journal, going on a road trip, going to a movie/theatre/festival/concert, remember you’re choosing whatever brings you joy.

  1. Mindfulness versus the UFC of Life

I think of divorce as the UFC of life sometimes. Two people in a ring with very few rules. If you want to see the worst of someone, watch them during a divorce. It doesn’t mean that all people that go through divorce show their worst sides, but

sometimes these once-in-love people morph into someone they don’t even recognize.

We have different parts of our brains that develop as we age, from the back to the front. One of our brains’ last pieces to fully develop is the prefrontal cortex, typically in our mid-20s.

The prefrontal cortex is responsible for rational decision-making, good judgment, and other critical executive functioning. Unfortunately, a divorce is traumatic, so your brain automatically goes into survival mode using the back of your brain, throwing some of your best judgment and decision-making out the window.

The only way to get your prefrontal cortex out of survival mode is to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps calm the body and allows your prefrontal cortex to activate again.

Some of the best evidence-based ways to do that are through mindfulness, such as deep breathing, meditation, or moving your body (yoga, running, brisk walking). Mindfulness is being more aware of yourself and your emotions, which ultimately helps you regulate your whole self.

This holds true for your ex as well. The more either of you goes into survival mode, the less likely you will be able to execute rational judgment and decision-making. Consider embedding these strategies in your routine and before any challenging moments.

  1. You are going to be okay.

Divorce is scary for a lot of reasons. You may wonder how you will financially make it or feel like it will be hard to date again at whatever age you are. The reality is that you will adapt and make it work.

The biggest secret to your success will be your support network. Make sure you carefully choose people in your closest circle who can listen non-judgmentally but are willing to support you unconditionally.

They are the ones you trust to say that you have no food in the house or you need someone to watch the kids, and you know that they will be there for you every time. They don’t judge your situation, instead do everything they can to elevate you.

These are your people, and your people will help you find the things you need and be ready to catch you when you fall.

  1. When kids are involved

I remember being positive that our divorce would destroy our children forever. However, some of the best advice I ever received was:

“The kids will handle it as well as the parents, so if you co-parent and seek to do what’s best for your kids, they will be fine. If you are committed to being angry, hating their other parent, and talking bad about them to your child, your child will know, and then you run the risk of destroying them and their ability to have a happy, healthy, and functional life.”

That one hit me hard because it was a potent reminder of how critical it was that I was mindful of how I proceeded. Divorce is considered a trauma for all involved, but how the adults behave impacts the extent of potential damage and opportunities for healing.

Over the years, I have seen too many divorced parents still holding onto the anger, resentment and continuing to openly try to manipulate each other, even years later, with their child having a front-row seat.

That anger doesn’t bring your ex suffering, it brings you suffering. Holding onto it weighs you down and limits your ability to open yourself to find joy and happiness again. Acknowledge and thank your emotions for trying to protect you, and then say goodbye to them because they are not serving you well. If it isn’t elevating your life, you don’t need it.

As a teacher, I can say with 100% certainty that while you may not be able to see the damage physically, you are doing to your child, the emotional scars are long-lasting. I see it in how they relate to each other, how they parrot what you’ve said to or about the other parent in their own social conversations, how they respond to stress, and how they address conflict resolution.

The statistics on children with divorced parents aren’t rosy, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Children of divorced parents are 20-30% more likely to have mental health issues and an increased likelihood of academic problems, aggression, and future relationship issues. The odds significantly rise with parents that have not

dealt with their own emotions independently of their children and actively work to co-parent without the anger and negative emotions.

While a divorce can be one of the most challenging life transitions you may experience it can also be the start of your best life chapter yet. In Part Three, we will discuss the step-by-step roadmap of holistic, evidence-based strategies to help you rediscover your identity, passions, and purpose after divorce. You deserve this.

Click here for part 1 of this series of articles in Redesigning Your Life after Divorce.

About Dr Jennifer Ulie

Over the last two decades, Jennifer Ulie, Ph.D., has become a trusted voice and award-winning expert on building sustainable personal and organisational systems of mental, social & emotional wellness. Having presented to tens of thousands of professionals, she is a highly sought-after thought leader & public speaker for her wit, knowledge, relatability, and engaging talks.

Dr. Ulie is the founder and CEO of Mensana Wellness Solutions. She has been a teacher, professor, nonprofit founder & Executive Director, legislative advocate, school board member, and legal expert witness. She has founded, launched, and led countless stakeholder groups, coalitions, conferences, programs, and online courses & certifications.

She sits on multiple regional and national professional organisations, advisory boards, and boards of directors. She has published peer-reviewed articles and is an academic journal peer reviewer. Dr. Ulie has been featured on multiple media outlets, including CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox, NPR, and PBS. She can be contacted at mymensana.com or on social media @mymensana.

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I'm Divorcing - Am I Eligible for Free Mediation Sessions?
Photo by Cytonn Photography on Unsplash.
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I’m Divorcing – Am I Eligible for Free Mediation Sessions?

Published on
Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

For separating couples, mediation can be a highly effective way of avoiding a lengthy, costly, and drawn-out Court divorce in which children are often caught up in the crossfire.

To help more couples in this situation, the Government has launched and extended a Family Mediation Voucher Scheme to encourage more people to undergo mediation.

What is the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme?

The publicly funded scheme helps separating couples to resolve their family law disputes outside of Court, giving them up to £500 towards the costs of mediation.

Both people involved need to agree to take part – and only Mediators like me who are authorised by the Family Mediation Council (FMC) can conduct the sessions.

How do I know if I’m eligible?

Most divorcing couples are required by law to attend a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM). At this session a qualified mediator assesses whether mediation is appropriate for your individual case – and if you qualify for the scheme.

Eligible cases must involve a dispute or court application involving a child, although the sessions can also cover related issues around finances.

Which cases do NOT qualify for the funding?

  • If you’re applying for a consent order
  • If any children are involved in emergency proceedings, care proceedings or supervision proceedings
  • If any of the children are the subject of an emergency protection order, care order or supervision order

Where there are allegations of domestic abuse, the mediator will carefully assess with the person alleging that abuse whether mediation is suitable.

What happens if I quality?

Your mediator will apply for the voucher funding, paid directly to them when the mediation is concluded. Vouchers are limited and the mediation sessions can be attended together or separately.

Will the £500 cover all mediation costs?

This depends upon the mediator’s fees and the number of sessions needed. The voucher is intended to be a contribution towards mediation sessions.

What happens if the mediation doesn’t work?

You and your ex should take advice as to the options available.  Ultimately, if all else fails, you can make an application to go to Court.

What happens if the mediation is successful?

The arrangements agreed in mediation can be put into a document which is often known as a “parenting plan” which you can then both sign.  This provides a useful record of your agreement.

A parenting plan does not have the status of a court order.  However, court orders are not usually necessary or desirable in children cases.

The law (The Children Act 1989) works on the basis of the “non-intervention principle”. Put simply, the law recognises that parents are much better placed to parent than a court and so orders will only be made where necessary in the best interests of a child.

If you can agree, then an order is often not necessary. An order made when children are young will often become a straight jacket by the time they are older.  It makes sense for you to continue to review what your children need as they grow up, and this is much easier to do in mediation than in repeated court applications.

In our extensive experience, along with speed and cost, mediation helps to minimise the damaging fallout from a separation, enabling both parents and their children to move forward.

For more information on the scheme visit Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

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About Nicki Mitchell

Nicki is a partner at Jones Myers, a niche, multi award-winning family law firm based in Leeds, Harrogate, and York.

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled mediator and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki has recently further enhanced her extensive expertise by becoming a child-inclusive mediator. The accreditation enables her to meet with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

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