coping and dealing with divorce - Page 7

How Long Does It Take to Get Divorced and Where Do I Start?
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How Long Does It Take to Get Divorced and Where Do I Start?

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Director
Fair Results

When considering divorce the first question people often ask themselves is “how long will it take and where do I start?”

Whilst this will most likely be one of the most stressful periods of your life, with very sensible and practical considerations, you can begin a new, and much happier chapter in your life.

In today’s article, Chris Sweetman will be answering those questions and helping you understand how to initiate divorce proceedings.

No-Fault Divorce and the impact on the divorce process

Since April 2022, the whole idea of blame has been removed from divorce. Unreasonable behaviour, length of separation and adultery are all things in the past of acrimonious divorces.

Now, the process has been made much simpler so the separating parties can focus on the most important part of the divorce, including sorting out the finances and ensuring any children are still the number one focus between separating parents.

So now blame has gone, the new process allows for both parties to agree that the marriage has broken down and apply jointly for the divorce – you can still make a solo application if you want, but the new process allows for both.

Whether you apply jointly or individually, the time scales for the divorce process is the same – which takes a minimum of 26 weeks from the date of application to the final order being granted by the court service and your marriage being formally dissolved.

What is the process for divorce?

The process starts with an application, now done online, to the HMCTS Court Service portal. The court receives the application and then issues a notice to the parties for them to acknowledge the divorce process has been commenced.

Once the court is satisfied and both parties are aware the divorce has been applied for, the case must go into a 20-week holding period before a conditional order can be applied for. The thinking behind this is to give the couple one last chance to have a period to reflect on whether they do want to finally end the marriage. In all my years of being involved with the law, I have never come across a couple who in this holding period (in the new regime or previously between Nisi and Absolute) who decide they have fallen back in love again and decide to pull out of the divorce process – but the option is there at this stage.

This 20-week period should be used to effectively sort out financial arrangements and plans for the children. In simple cases, this timetable can often be kept to, but where family finances are a little more complicated and need further investigation, the timetable may slip until all matters are fully resolved.

From experience, the newly drafted divorce process should have been firmer when changing the law last year and say this 20-week period is fixed and all divorces must be concluded within the timetable. My thinking for this is that the flexibility on this period still allows lawyers to drag their feet which only has the impact of driving up costs for clients.

My preference would have been for family finances to have been resolved and then the divorce applied for. Focus the lawyers on resolving the finances quickly and efficiently and then proceed with the divorce.

Once the 20-week period has elapsed, the parties can apply for the conditional, order of divorce which is the beginning of the end road to divorce. The conditional order is granted by the court service and then another 6-week holding period is entered into before the Final order can be applied for dissolving the marriage.

Once the Final order is issued by the court and again this can be applied for online, the marriage is over, and parties are free to get on with the rest of their lives however they wish to.

Final thoughts

So now you know the process of a divorce and the steps you need to take.

You can certainly apply for a divorce yourself – it’s a relatively straightforward process online. But what you need to do, is take some expert advice about the implications of divorce on your children and the division of your marital finances. The divorce process is simple, sorting out life’s complications’ can be more difficult.

Ensure all issues surrounding the division of finances are sorted before the Final Order for divorce is granted, as once this is granted resolving the distribution of marital assets can be more complicated.

Do not forget to talk to an independent lawyer who can provide you with expert advice on all your rights, as they can provide you with guidance on the way the law looks to distribute financial assets and how the court would look to deal with disputed plans for the children.

Most importantly, work with your ex-partner to resolve all matters as amicably as possible – as it will save both parties time, money, and heartache.

Work with your ex-partners lawyers if they have them in a collaborative way to avoid stress and conflict. And be realistic about what you want to achieve in the whole divorce process.

Click here for more articles from Fair Results

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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Feeling rejected

Feeling Rejected? This Could be a Good Thing

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

Rejection sucks.

There’s no way around it. As we learn to move on after divorce, even the strongest of us can’t help but feel like we did something wrong when the person we loved and cared about and spent our lives with as a partner suddenly doesn’t want to be with us anymore.

“Why don’t they love me anymore?”

“What did I do wrong?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“What could I have done differently?”

These thoughts—the “shoulda coulda woulda” thoughts that hijack our brains and healing—have a nasty way of creeping up on us as we try to regain our confidence and self-esteem.

Many times, we think that we are to blame for the fact that our decades-long marriage ended. That self-blame usually leads us to feel rejected, like we are not worthy of love as we start this new chapter in our lives.

It’s time we start looking at rejection in a different way—one that will empower us instead of a stupid feeling that continues to hold us down and questions ourselves and steal us of our self-worth.

So, the next time you are feeling bad because of a recent rejection—whether it is from the end of your long marriage, or because the person you were dating and liked decided not to return your calls, or if you do not get hired for the job you were hoping for, remember the following.

Rejection is like those trippy fun house mirrors. It is not a reflection of you or your self-worth.

You know the ones I’m talking about—whenever you go to a carnival or a visit a beach boardwalk—two activities that many of you may have enjoyed this summer—you may pass one a long mirror that you may stop in front of.

What do you see there?

Do you see your smiling reflection looking back? The one that reflects the wise and strong person you are?

Nope—instead, you see this warped vision of yourself, with a stretched-out head or shortened legs, and you look silly. It’s not you. And it’s not a reflection of you. You know this, so you probably just laugh and continue enjoying yourself.

Rejection is the same thing. The fact that somebody doesn’t want to be with you anymore has nothing to do with you—it has everything to do with the craziness the rejecter is projecting on to you.

Their rejection is that stupid fun-house mirror. And your reaction to that rejection—the one where you wonder what you did wrong, or why they don’t love you anymore, is nothing more than the silly stretched head and widened body you see in the silly mirror.

It’s not you. It’s not your reflection. So instead of just standing in front of the mirror, worrying how it makes you look, go ahead and step away from it, because it has nothing to do with you.

Instead of staying in the prison of rejection, thinking that it defines who you are, you move away from it, focus on what makes you feel good, what you are proud of in this life, and everything that you have accomplished.

Once you focus on yourself, there’s something very important you need to understand. It’s a secret about rejection that many don’t know, and few know how to integrate.

Rejection is a gift because it’s you dodging a bullet.

When I think of all the times I was rejected, at the time I thought my world was ending. But now I realize these things were actually a HUGE blessing in disguise.

A few months ago, I was laid off from a job because the corporate big-wigs said I wasn’t needed anymore.

But looking back, I knew that rejection actually served me well because it meant I was leaving a company that no longer valued me, and it was giving me a chance to pursue work that was more professionally and spiritually satisfying. If that rejection hadn’t happened, who knows?

I’d probably still be there, unhappy and unfulfilled.

Years ago, I was dumped by somebody I was dating and I remember feeling like my world had ended. But that rejection turned out to be a blessing in disguise because being out of that relationship helped me realize how unhealthy and controlling it had been, spending time with someone who did not deserve my love.

And the rejections that you are dealing with at this time in your life, although varied, are actually the same at their core.

The rejection of your partner not wanting to be in that relationship anymore, or that person not returning your calls, or that boss that doesn’t appreciate you who is letting you go, is actually the universe saying, “Hey! You deserve better than this BS! Consider this your wake-up call to go and work on yourself, find out what makes you happy, and establish your independence!

And when you’re learning to get your life back, what better gift is there?

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives. For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ or drop Martha a line at martha@survivingyoursplit.com. You can also visit her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/survivingyoursplit.

 

Feature Image – Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

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How Can Conflict Coaching Help when Going through Divorce?
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How Can Conflict Coaching Help when Going through Divorce?

Published on
Antonia Jenkins
Conflict Resolution Coach Trainer and Accredited Mediator

One of the greatest needs when someone is in conflict, or hurting, is to feel heard, to feel that their feelings and views on the situation are validated.

Attentive, patient and active listening, is in my view, one of the most important skills that either a mediator or coach can bring to the table. It comes more naturally to some than to others, but it is a skill that can be acquired, through practise.

Having been a coach and worked with people in hardship situations, I adapted to conflict coaching quite smoothly.

Jane, my first conflict coaching client many years ago, was such a classic, that I often use her as an example. This initial experience showed me the power not only of listening but of conflict coaching.

Jane was a widow of seven years, now in her 70’s, and beginning to struggle with her health and strength. She had come to me because of a conflict with the manager of her allotment.

He was new and young and wanted to do things differently. Jane, having been a teacher, was used to speaking plainly and to carry weight on the allotment committee. The young man didn’t have much experience handling the conflict, and she was furious and absolutely determined to get what she saw as “her right”.

At first all she talked about was her feeling of disrespect and unjust judgement by this young manager, who finally “kicked her out” of the committee, and was trying to “kick her out” of “her” allotment.

This was of course from her perspective, but right or wrong, the situation had taken over her mind, days and nights, for months now… that’s all she could think about.

I gave her space to talk about the conflict, and it seemed like a pretty difficult situation. She talked and explained for nearly an hour. Then I started to ask a few questions about “HER”, how she was, and she confided how lonely she had been, with her husband gone, 7 years now.

They used to do the allotment together and that common project was all she had left of him. I started to get a glimpse of the reason why she was so affected by the change. Then in the same stride, she began talking about how difficult it was keeping up with the work on the allotment and how she wished she could be free to do things like painting…

As we spoke, it became obvious that her late husband, her grieving and the situation at the allotment were connected.

By the time we ended our conversation, and after unpeeling the situation together, she came to realise that her insistence on wanting to keep the allotment was related to her belated husband and it was in fact, too hard for her on her own, but she had a type of loyalty to keeping it because he loved that allotment.

What “she” really wanted to do was take up painting! There she had said it…. It was one of those light bulb moments for her…. That night, she asked someone to help her collect her tools from the allotment and she turned the page. Most importantly she was set free from the mind traps of the conflict that had been consuming her energy, her sleep, and her every thought.

I want to clarify; I didn’t have any particular opinion on what she should do or not do. It was when we touched on what was really important to her that she realised that it was all part of her not wanting to let go of her shared memories with her late husband.

She was still grieving but longed however for a lighter load, peace of mind and was dreaming of trying out new things like painting and travelling.

Sometimes, when you look at a conflict from the outside, it looks like a ball of yarn that a kitten has been left to play with; but as you begin to pull the threads, things begin to unravel, the main issues and lead threads begin to surface and through active listening and gentle prodding, you are able to arrive at the core, the real need of that person, what made the situation so painful.

The recognition of this very pain often puts the person on the path to recovery and solution finding.

In the case of couples separating, emotions run even higher, all types of emotion, from anger to guilt passing by frustration and denial. A separation is a little like the process of mourning. Something is over, and the one who did NOT initiate the separation will struggle particularly to come to terms with it.

Anger, feeling of unfairness (after all the trying), wanting to hurt the other, feeling sorry for oneself, refusal to accept, all those emotions become interlinked, similar to those of bereavement.

It is a time when getting support from a conflict coach can be a godsend, as he/she will help you find greater clarity and perspective. This is especially important when children are involved.

What couples sometimes don’t really want to face, is that they will be in each other’s lives until the children are grown, and often after that. So the more emotional and “crazy” the situation gets due to the pain, the harder it is to re-establish a “normal” adult trusting relationship where the children’s needs and wellbeing are at the fore. This is, in my opinion the biggest benefits of Conflict Coaching and Mediation, although some details might need to be seen to by lawyers (such as finances).

The support a couple will get from either a Conflict Coach or a Mediator in those initial very difficult conversations is unequalled compared to the legal route. It will set the tone for the entire negotiation. The difference between Conflict Coaching and Mediation? A Conflict Coach will work with one party; a Mediator will work with both parties.

If you are struggling in a conflict, don’t keep it to yourself, get some support, chances are it will enable you to find solutions faster.

About Antonia

Antonia Jenkins is a conflict resolution coach and trainer and an accredited mediator with Albert Square Mediation.  She has considerable workplace and community mediation experience. She is an accomplished linguist, translator and language coach. She also writes extensively. She speaks fluent English, French and Spanish and Portuguese.

She started her career in Brazil and has worked in countries as diverse as Japan, China, Thailand and the Lebanon, where she worked in the prison system, often in very demanding contexts where she had to use her skills and experience to the full. 

A leading member of Speak Street and Hargrave Hall Community Association, Antonia has participated in a number of projects in her local area.  Additionally, she has worked for a number of UK charities notably Victim Support, Centrepoint and Age UK which gives an excellent knowledge of the voluntary and charitable sectors.

In her spare time Antonia writes about community and natural health issues and has contributed to a major published work on community building. Her chapter can be found on her blog: insightsbytoni.blog.

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Divorce for Women Fifty

Divorce for Women Over Fifty

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Different decades have their unique concerns when it comes to divorce.

Women over fifty are caught between wanting liquid assets that will help them start their new life, yet receiving enough in retirement funds.

Consider consulting with your own financial advisor who will look over all that is on the financial table.

They will assist in determining what is the most advantageous split for you or come up with several options. They can meet with your solicitor to ensure you three are on the same page.

A house may look like a £400, 000 asset, but in reality be worth half of that, if there is still a mortgage on it. I opted for cash in order to pay down the mortgage on my new house. Now that retirement is looming closer on the horizon, that may not have been the best decision.

In divorce, a tax expert may be brought on board to assess what the tax consequences are for various investments and pension plans. Some are taxed upon withdrawing funds and others are not. If two accounts are valued at £ 20,000 and one will have a tax to be paid, then dividing these between spouses is not an even distribution.

Nowadays, the trend is to have maintenance paid for a shorter period of time, perhaps a few years. Or there may be a clean break where assets are split and both walk away from the marriage without any future payments.

If one spouse owns a business, then an expert may be brought in to value it. This is trickier when it is service related and there is not much inventory. The other spouse would receive less compensation than if there was pricey equipment or stock.

During the chaos of divorce proceedings, one may be in survival mode and not thinking of what is around the corner.

Will your last child be leaving home soon after divorce?

In this case, consider selling the marital home during divorce and downsizing. My older son was starting university in less than two years, with his younger brother following behind him post-divorce. It made sense to buy a small house during divorce which accommodated us three, yet would be perfect for a single person with cats.

Think about your situation and what lies ahead.

Baby Boomers are the sandwich generation with kids at home and also being responsible for elder care.

If your parents or another family member are requiring your attention, will you be relocating near them at some point? That is another reason to sell the marital home, splitting the proceeds so that you are not tied down to a specific location.

It was nice being in a new place with my sons. There are many choices to make during divorce and a life coach can help you sort through them when feeling overwhelmed.

A woman in her fifties has accumulated much stuff. De-cluttering before moving or even if staying in the marital home is beneficial. This is a good time to keep just what you truly like and get rid of the excess. Purge your closet and take clothes to a consignment shop.

I worked for a company that sold clients’ items online and took boxes of china, stemware and other personal possessions to them. The extra money was much appreciated. I had several huge yard sales and a friend was most helpful in sourcing buyers for furniture. Make sure you have divided personal property first or have checked in with your solicitor before selling anything.

I got rid of unwanted gifts, some of which were from my soon-to-be-ex. Some items will no longer be needed with your new lifestyle. An example is, if you lavishly entertained your spouse’s business colleagues and clients, those platters, and so forth can be sold.

If you have been out of the job market for a while, a career coach can assess your skill set, give recommendations and help you find employment. Or you may want to take some courses or training which can help you get a larger salary. You may want to change careers, freelance, or work for a temp agency to determine what work interests you.

When one has been married for a few decades, getting a divorce is a major upheaval in life. Talking with others going through this life transition can be reassuring that you are not alone. There are various classes and resources to help you get through this. Reach out to family and friends.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Best Divorce Advice

Published on
Charis Rook
Charis Rooks
Author and Speaker

For some there are moments that may occur in your life where you say to yourself “I’m here after divorce now what”?

There are so many suggestions and ideas from family, friends, and even strangers that it can tend to make you feel over whelmed.

When I think of these suggestions I think of clothing in a clothing store.

There are tons of options with a purpose of clothing the body however I have yet to see someone go in and buy one of every item out of every department for themselves.

That’s just not practical for example, the average woman would not buy herself a pair of pants out of the newborn section. No instead she will shop for her own particular style and size custom to her needs and liking.

So why do we take every piece of advice after divorce and try to apply it to our lives without first making sure it applies to our current situation?

Some may argue and say I did it out of desperation.

I would then ask you out of desperation would you run to the newborn section of a clothing store to buy business attire for an interview? Sounds unrealistic and border line crazy however this is exactly what you are doing in your life by trying every suggestion that is given to you without first discerning its application.

I will admit some of us are blessed to have loved ones, family members, and friends who have our best interest in mind.

However their advice may be what they want to see for us at times. This isn’t a bad thing in fact in some cases they love us enough to want to help. However what is dangerous is the fact that their advice is what THEY want to see for our lives and this may not be what we NEED in our lives at that particular moment in time.

The best way to handle multiple suggestions from those who love you would be to select the suggestion that applies to your particular need at that point in time.

In other words suggestions of dating the day after your divorce to move on would not be as much of a wise priority suggestion as would a family member discussing with you ways to save your money and invest as a single woman in a single income house hold.

The best advice I can give in a situation like this, would be to evaluate the suggestion you have been given before acting on it.

If you are not feeling well about a suggestion and you find yourself debating or polling others then I bet it’s safe to say that this is not a suggestion that should take priority right now in your situation.

I’m not saying you will never need it, I’m saying just for now it should be revisited when you feel more comfortable with the suggestion and application of it in your life.

About Charis

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again. 

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

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divorce meaning
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Divorce Meaning: The Devil’s in the “D” Definition

Published on
Carolyn Flower CEO of Carolyn Flower Enterprises (1992) Inc
Carolyn Flower
CEO of Carolyn Flower Enterprises (1992) Inc

I’ve no shame in confessing, the subject of mathematics and I “retired” our friendship long ago.

It was no secret during my high school and college years, that the M-word and I had a love-hate relationship.

We never fought or shared harsh words or anything like that (well maybe a few harsh words just before or after an assignment or exam), but I knew at an early age, while we would have to work together regularly, we were best doing so apart rather than together.

Math & Science -vs- Arts & Literature; I fell into the latter category.  As a true-heart collaborative spirit however, while I tried to reconcile our differences, I made a wise choice to invest in the services of others on important matters of business and finance and surrounded myself with a superb and inspired success team to handle all things numbered.

In hindsight, I suppose the mindset and strategies needed to one day collaborate my own divorce were in place long before I would need to access them.

While I have the utmost respect and admiration for digits, ledgers, numbers and the like, they just don’t inspire me…like prose: the written word – a letter, word, sentence, paragraph, the classics and the newly penned. As a writer and author, my passion for the written word, sometimes results in obsessive note-taking and can produce inspiring thoughts and a new plan for any given day based on the words that flow through me to paper.

“There are no weapons more lethal, no formulas more potent, no roses sweeter, than words.” –    Birgitte Rasine

 There is ONE word and its definition that causes me great concern. My issue is with the standardized and tired definition of the word Divorce, The D-Word, as it is currently defined by society and…in the Dictionary.

I am convinced that a revolution is in order; a redefinition – a re-imagining is long overdue. As more and more enlightened people are finding new ways to overcome the struggles and dysfunction of divorce through the collaborative team approach, they are part of a movement to shift the paradigm in which divorce breathes and survives within an old framework and set of standards and mindsets.

Many have challenged themselves to transform their thinking, grow and break free of old patterns and are finding solutions that might surprise and amaze even the skeptics.

While collaborative divorce is not a one-size-fits-all solution, for those whose lives welcome it and find themselves capable of reaping the benefits, ordinary families are living extra-ordinary divorced lives and doing so by applying the new terminology of the collaborative philosophy to guide and nurture their lifestyle.

 D–Word = Negative Outcome

The word Divorce by its very nature signifies an automatic response of negativity and for many, failure.

“It’s idiotic to assume that because a marriage ends, it’s failed.“ – Margaret Mead

 The most commonly known definition sets the stage: to set or force apart, to divorce your wishes from the realities of the world as it is.  Synonyms for the word Divorce paint an equally dismal picture:  disassociate, disconnect, dis-join, break-down, disintegrate, dissolve, break, fracture, pull, rip, tear, isolate, segregate, detach, disengage, unravel, untie.  How might anyone possibly associate a potential positive outcome with these words?

D-Word Paradigm Shift or Re-Define 

So I submit to you that perhaps it is a matter of shifting the paradigm for the definition of this D-Word and the assumptions that the Divorce journey must be Defined by Destruction, Discourse and Dysfunction.

It’s high time we Draw the Drapes and let the glorious sun shine in and focus the lens on what I call the “art of the possible” with a kinder and gentler approach when retiring a marriage by working together whenever possible, with the help of a team of dedicated professionals, to re-define the family from its state of normal to a transformed New Normal.

Let’s Ditch the D-words and try the other letters of the alphabet on for size:  alliance, appreciation, assistance, collaboration, co-parenting, change, coalition, courage, combined effort, grace, gratitude, harmony, legacy, love, partnership, praise, pulling together, success, symbiosis, team effort, union, unity, vision for the future, working together.

DO it for the kids. DO it for your family values and legacy.  DO it to build character. DO it and model the behavior you want to teach and have Duplicated. Our family is living proof who has thrived for the last 12 years living a collaborative co-parenting lifestyle and raised three kids from youngsters to young adults with respect and dignity for all.

Use the D–Word to your advantage and DO the right thing. Difficult? Definitely will be challenging sometimes but is it Do-able and worth all the effort? Yes, without a Doubt.

About Carolyn

Carolyn Flower is the CEO of Carolyn Flower Enterprises (1992) Inc. 

She is an industry renowned promotional communication specialist with a team of in-house creative graphic designers and professional editors.  Carolyn is an international bestselling author, columnist, and media contributor. Her next book, Family Ever After ™ – Collaborate Life After Divorce, is scheduled for release in late 2016.  She is the founder of the Pathways to Publishing Academy© Author Success Systems.  She encourages others to refocus the lens of their lives and discover the art of their possible.  Her mission is to provide value by serving and motivating her clients to inspire themselves and then, inspire it forward.

Visit the Flower Community at www.carolynflower.com.

www.gravitate2gratitude.com

www.familyeverafter.ca

 

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How to Survive Divorce – The First Year

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divorce advice from divorce coach
Carole Ann Rice
Life Coach

After the tsunami of stress and paperwork subsides and the air clears the new divorcee can feel like they are clinging to a wreckage of their lives.

It is not unusual to feel a visceral sensation of grief for loss of what was, of shared dreams and even of status.   This has,after all, been one of life’s greatest traumas.

Now you are no longer married then who are you?

This is a natural feeling of sadness and perhaps fear as you face the future, the  unknown, maybe on your own after many years or even for the first time ever. It is important that you show yourself compassion and patience at this time of readjustment.

The changes will feel huge to begin with until a routine and a sense of normality returns.  Which, rest assured, it will.

 It’s not a time for kicking heels and making rash decisions but one of quiet contemplation as you wait for the dust to settle and to work out your options.

Understand that it is entirely alright to feel anxious as you find your way.  Family and friends can be a great support at this time so take up the offers of help they may give.  Alternatively if you feel you would be burdening loved ones seek our divorce support groups which meet regularly where you can hook up with others going through the same thing you are.

Letting go of the past is not a quick and easy process but give yourself time to aim for acceptance of what is and therein lies peace.

It might help to sit down and write out some lovely and compelling goals for the year ahead.  Shopping for new fixtures and fittings for the home, perhaps a make-over with a personal stylist, new hobbies and interests, social dates and holidays.

You would be surprised at how a new haircut and some updated new clothes can lift the spirits and energise one.  Many big chains and department stores now offer free “personal shopper” services which can add inspiration if you are feeling stuck in rut with your looks.

You may feel that your confidence and self esteem has taken a dive and again this is only natural so think of ways of restoring yourself by doing what you love and being with people who make you feel good too.

Journaling
Journal writing

When confidence is low take stock of what your strengths and values are and write them down.

Keep a “Big Me Up” journal where you write down all your achievements, all you are good at and any compliments or positive comments you receive.  Soon you will see the evidence of your strengths outweighs the doubts of your inner demons.

If you have children it is important they see you are coping and equally OK to tell them you are sad and distressed by the break too.  No matter how bitter you are feeling at the moment try not to vent your feelings in from of them.

Avoid bad-mouthing your ex or encouraging them to take sides.  Wherever possible aim for harmony, which isn’t always easy and will take effort, which will pay dividends in the years to come when family gatherings and landmark occasions can be conducted with dignity and respect.

If you are feeling lonely be cautious of rebound relationships.  It’s only natural to want to start afresh and to seek validation via a new partner.  Sadly this could be disastrous if you haven’t fully let go of your spouse, the relationship and the fall out or any negative emotions (anger, betrayal, jealousy, rage, disappointment, resentment) that still linger could sabotage your chances with a new partner.

All relationships come with some emotional baggage but better to give a new relationship the best chance by taking time out to recover and look after yourself.  Decide instead to see the months ahead as an investment in the self where you take time to restore and re-gather and start to stabilise life again.

It may take time but many people do go on to have new and exciting lives post-divorce.  It can be a time where you learn more about yourself, enjoy a new found liberation and can devote your time to finding out who you are and what you now want from your life.

As one door closes another opens.  Prepare for the new chapter in your life with hope, acceptance and a sense of curiosity and you could find a new level of wisdom and life fulfilment you have never reached before.

 

An inspiring and motivational business and life coach Carole Ann uses wit and wisdom to teleport her clients into their full potential for over 10 years. 

Carole Ann is  also the co-author of Find Your Dream Job  and her new book Find Your Dream Business.

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dealing with divorce emotions

Dealing with Divorce Emotions whilst Looking after your Children

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Break ups are hard enough on us adults without children being involved while dealing with divorce emotions.

I have heard people say that they try and continue as though nothing has happened when the other spouse leaves the home.

But the one thing that I tell parents is not to pretend that everything is ok or that the relationship break-up is not serious as it seems.

It is serious and this moment in time, the breakup of the family unit, will always be a watershed moment in your child’s life, no matter what the reasons for divorce are.  So it’s vital that your child is provided with a safe and secure environment in which he can have a voice and be heard.

In the meantime, you as the parent are left with not only coping with divorce and all the emotions that that brings up in you but you are also expected to continue being that good, attentive and caring parent while inside you feel anything but.

You begin to worry about the effects of divorce on children while dealing with the whole divorce process or divorce procedure.  You have divorce papers to complete and submit while trying to deal with issues around your child’s wellbeing and welfare.

And when you get something “wrong”, as divorced parents often do because after all we are still human, you sit and wonder if this “mistake” will be that long-term effect of divorce on children you so often hear about.

I say, don’t be afraid of making mistakes.  You can try but If you feel upset and weepy, it is ok to let your children know and to let them see you upset.

Yes it is.  Why?  Because then you are telling them that it is ok for them too to be upset.  It is ok to feel bad about what is going on and not only show it but also talk about it.

By seeing you cry one minute and then getting on with what you have to the next, sends them the message that it is possible to feel upset, really upset at times because it will pass and life goes on because emotions are normal and they can be handle.

What is not ok though is to talk to children about what your ex partner has done to you. Don’t, in a fit of anger, slag off their father or mother no matter what.  It is not fair on them at all because after all he is still their father or she is still their mother.  No matter what.

If you are concerned about your little ones, do contact me.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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passive aggressive men

Divorcing Passive-Aggressive Men and Women

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce with a passive-aggressive partner can be particularly aggravating.

They seeming are going along with the whole process, yet are sabotaging it.

They agree to check on their pension plan or to bring paperwork to the divorce sessions, but “forget.” The use of the word “forget” may be frequent as a way of avoiding responsibilities or tasks that they do not wish to perform.

Passive-aggressive people can prolong divorce hearings by purposely not following through with something as a way to get back at you. This retaliation bumps up legal costs.

They avoid confrontations and do not directly express intense emotions.

They have a calm demeanour which hides the hostility lurking beneath the surface. Actions are ruled by anger since they do not voice it out loud. They may refuse to sign the divorce papers or at the last minute disagree with how assets are divided, instead of stating objections earlier. It is difficult to know what they are thinking and if they are amenable to negotiations, since the silent treatment is their specialty. Ask what is wrong and a curt “nothing” may be the reply.

They do not communicate well, so give and take is difficult. They are not expressing opinions which complicates divorce arrangements.

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He or she may “forget” about a visitation,

Co-parenting with a passive-aggressive ex is challenging. They play the blame game and may hold you as the villain, who ruined their life.

The divorce was caused 100% by you and now you will be punished, indirectly of course.

You might receive maintenance on time, but in the wrong amount. It is wise to have maintenance and child support sent directly from his bank account to yours, to leave him out of the loop.

Then one does not have GFY (Go F*** Yourself) written in the check memos as one woman did.

He or she may “forget” about a visitation, or pick up the kids late when you have a date. Having the pickup and drop off at a neutral location is prudent. One former couple has theirs at the paternal grandparents’ house, so his being late or forgetting is not an issue. The children have fun and the mother is not stressed.

Have a detailed Parenting Plan to lessen complications post-divorce when the passive-aggressive parent may try to get back at you through the children.

Have shared time clearly stated and clarify holiday arrangements. The passive-aggressive person sees themselves as the victim in life and you want to avoid this drama.

There are various online calendar sites where parents can mark activities and events so the kids’ schedules are available to both parents. This reduces accusations that the other parent was not informed of happenings in their youngsters’ lives.

When communicating with the passive-aggressive parent avoid emotions, particularly anger.

Ignore their subtle putdowns and just state the facts. Keep e-mails business like and to the point. Passive-aggressive people often have low self-esteem and may attempt to build themselves up by tearing you down.

Have someone available for the kids to talk with, because the other parent may be making mean “jokes” or offhand comments about you. The least interactions that you can have with this difficult ex-spouse, the better.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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How to Survive a Divorce using EFT

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Suzy Miller www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukIn this interview with EFT expert Susan Cowe Miller, she explains to Alternative Divorce Guide Suzy Miller, how EFT Tapping can help with divorce stress; one of life’s big emotional challenges.

How to Survive a Divorce using EFT

Divorce Stress is one of life’s big emotional challenges.  Feelings of frustration, anger, helplessness, injustice all come high on the list.

A need for increased confidence, stronger self-worth and self-esteem seem necessary but sometimes they appear out of reach.

I share here the first of two easy to follow self-help Tapping videos; hugely effective in lowering stress and anxiety.

EFT can help clients deal with overwhelm, deep stress, self-sabotage and as a result they benefit from improved physical health and positive emotional well-being.

So how can EFT Tapping help you?

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) works to release trapped negative energy blocked within the body’s energy system. EFT has been called ‘Psychological Acupuncture’ because you tap on energy channels and voice your distressing issue, event or pain. When you are happy your energy flows easily through the energy channels but when you become stressed by a negative emotion blockages then appear within the energy system and potentially cause physical illness and pain.

The negative energy released by EFT Tapping has been stored since the specific negative event, statement or issue first took place, months or many years before.

EFT works at a conscious and subconscious level. It clears negative experiences from your past so that you change your emotional reactions today; you live and react in the present – not repeating negative patterns of learned behaviour from past stressful events.

It can be used as a self-healing tool but it is advised to work with a practitioner if troubled by big trauma.

Tapping is a powerful tool and you now have it, at your fingertips!

Suzy Miller of The Alternative Divorce

Follow Suzy on Twitter

Susan Cowe: EFT (Tapping) practitioner and author of ‘Survive and Thrive after Trauma’

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Divorce and Property: My African Reflection

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Marie Abanga
Marie Abanga

Divorce is a very difficult journey not in the least when it comes to living through and experiencing the dismantling of  a ‘joint venture’ that you spend time and effort creating.

What happens to the property of that ‘joint venture’ after the divorce?

Out here in the ‘West’, I think it is much easier to talk about divorce and property and to actually work out some sort of settlement or partition of that property.

My post of today is a combination of my story so far as divorce and property is concerned and some personal reflections as an African.

What is Property anyway?

To begin with, we mustn’t forget that in some traditional African societies, a woman was considered ‘property’.  I am even tempted from my experience, to say that is still very much the case in some cases today. Hey, even my own husband loved referring to me as his ‘bien’ (property).  The idea of  just trusting or letting me do my own thing was an unacceptable.

You will find at times that when there’s a divorce, the woman is often asked what right, if any, she has to claim any property after all she is never her own person; from birth she belongs to her father, guardian or husband. For instance, you will still find that in some African societies, a woman still needs her husband’s permission to open a bank account, travel out of the country, own land and/or property or make any type of investments. Where there’s a divorce, the husband will be the one to decide what happens to any money In the case of a divorce, what happens to the money in an account he authorised and may still have a say in how it is spent or handled?

 

Divorce and Property – My Personal Case

divorce and property joint accountOh, as for me, ‘shameless woman’, did it not suffice that l was that adulterous woman who eloped with another?

What property did I bring into the marriage? What property could I even talk of when I myself had been ‘paid for’ with the controversial ‘bride price’?

The situation as I saw best for me then, was to just leave hoping that all the investments l had made in there, will somehow pass on to my sons.

You see, obtaining a divorce in some parts of Africa is an uphill battle. Mine is still to be declared final after yes 2 years of legal parades. I did not want to make matters more complicated for me by making claim to any property. I simply would have lost both; both the freedom (to no longer bear his name just to state this) I longed for as well as the property l would have been claiming. l did make some investments in there, lots of items in that house are linked to me. Even investing in his business, and l mean financial investment, leave alone the joint account.

What I observed

l remember my parents ‘legal parades’ too.

l spoke on behalf of my siblings and l and despite being 14/15, l was very aware and could understand what was going on. The woman knows that she may not get any property if she makes a claim. Even with any justifications, the system is ‘masculine’. Even if a judgment was passed granting alimony or any partitioning, there was no redress should the man fail to abide by the judgment. If push came to shove, you could start another civil suit. That would be your choice and trouble and not the court’s or your husband’s.

The bride Price has to be refunded above all

Well, things may be simple if the woman and her family refund the bride price.  At least then she may be able to make claim on any property they acquired during their ‘joint venture’.

But, let look at it this way, how much was the bride price?

Back in the days, when a girl was born, the first man to stroll by and be interested in safeguarding her as a wife, started bringing gifts to her parents. He continued doing so and maybe also supporting her financially until it was time to ‘claim’ his wife.

The ‘bride price’, therefore, isn’t  just what he will pay on the day of the traditional marriage ceremony, no, it is all what he has spent on her and her family from the days of courting to the wedding day.

Divorce and Property

It is for the above reasons that I think talking about property and divorce in an African context is tricky. There is a lot at stake not to talk of the man’s ego. I sadly recently learnt of a man who took away both his wife and his life, because she threatened to leave him. In my humble reflections, divorce in some parts of Africa is still a very very painful journey. I may have just been one of the lucky few who made it out alive and has the guts to share her story!

Marie Abanga – Follow Marie on Twitter

Author of My Unconventional Loves: My Hurts, My Adulteries, My Redemption

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LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF
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Dealing with Divorce in 3 Steps – Looking After Yourself

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Looking After YourselfIn this interview with Sandie Martel of Be OK Therapy, the UK’s Alternative Divorce Guide Suzy Miller interviews her about the third of 3 key pieces of advice, taken from Sandie’s personal story to help you cope with your divorce in the best possible manner.

Looking After Yourself

“The last piece of advice I would like to give in this series of three articles, is that you learn to love yourself and to take care of yourself”

“I know we lead such busy lives, going to work, running our own businesses, looking after the kids, the home, the car, making sure everything is in order…

What about you?

What do you actually do for yourself?

Do you take time just for you (without feeling guilty!)?

OK you might watch TV once in a while to relieve the stress in the evening, but do you actually spend time with yourself at all? Take time to listen to your own desires, learn to know yourself, deal with your own issues?

It is important that you do so regularly and rather early on during the divorce process.

Because divorce will drain you physically and emotionally and you need to be able to deal with anything that comes your way, taking time to look after yourself is critical.

I was glad I had all the tools I needed to BeOK when receiving my Decree Absolute, first because it is an important step, but also because the official divorce date was stated as 14th February.

What a great date for a divorce!

 

Help yourself to help your kids and claim your life back.”

Suzy Miller is the creator of Divorce in a Box and Divorce First Aid Kit, The Alternative Divorce Guide 

Follow Suzy Miller on Twitter and Facebook

Follow Sandie Martel on Twitter and Facebook

Check out Part 1 and Part two of Dealing with Divorce in 3 Steps.

 

 

 

 

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