children and divorce - Page 8

children about divorce

How do We Talk to our Children about Divorce?

Published on
Elaine Halligan
Elaine Halligan
London Director of
The Parent Practice

Children do suffer from family separation unless it is handled extremely carefully.

When adults divorce their world is in turmoil and so is their children’s. This is a time when the parents need to know what to do and what to say to their children to ensure they survive the transition and thrive in a post-divorce world.

Traumatised adults often do and say things that can be very confusing for children but we know divorcing parents want to support their children through this experience so here are some guidelines of what to say to the kids when telling them about this huge change in their lives.

CHOOSE a time to tell them

Carefully consider the best time, when there are no plans for a few days so they can ask questions, confusions can be cleared up, and feelings aired. If at all possible, arrange to tell them together so you are united in creating the new structure.

If parents are so conflicted that doing this together may cause more tension, then tell them separately. If talking separately be sure to say “Mum and Dad together have decided…....”

LET them know that:

Their mother and father were happy once together and they were born out of love, and although you no longer love each other, reassure them that you will both always love them. (It may help to say that the love that adults have for each other is not the same as the love a parent feels for a child lest they worry that you will fall out of love with them too.)

child maintenance and child contact

BE clear with them that:

The separation has nothing to do with them and it is definitive– it is not their responsibility to try and make things better between mum and dad, and they can’t do anything to get you back together again.

Mum and Dad are sad, but they will take care of their own feelings – it is not for the child to worry about this.

The children will have lots of different feelings. This is normal and you want them to talk to you or some other adult that they trust about it. Involve a loved relative or friend for these conversations.

GIVE details about what will happen

Let them know how life will change and what will remain the same – address practical issues of living arrangements. Eg when they visit the other parent, what happens on holidays, with the pets, about money and school etc. An involved and informed child will feel more in control of his life and will be able to cope better. Give age appropriate information.

AVOID blame

Parents often say ‘it’s important for the child to know the truth!’ Ask yourself why a child needs to know about adult matters such as infidelity, or about legal or financial matters.

Details about these can disturb them and can convince them there is something ‘wrong’ with one parent. Children need to believe in the goodness and love of each parent whose DNA they share. Children know they are one part Mum and one part Dad, therefore if one parent is vilified they take that on board and feel part bad as well.

It is vital that both parents avoid any temptation to demonise the other– a child has the right to a relationship with both parents. To include children in these conversations will scare and confuse them.

Children often miss their fathers but are fearful of voicing it because they fear a negative reaction from their mother. Never use your child to convey messages to the other parent, especially if there is a negative tone to the missive.

The London director of The Parent Practice, Elaine has been a parenting facilitator since 2006, teaching parents in the Wimbledon and Clapham centres. 

She works in schools and nurseries, coordinates our corporate and business seminar programme and works with special educational needs such as dyslexia, dyspraxia and dyscalculia. 

Elaine sees many of our clients in private consultations.

Elaine came into parenting thinking she should instinctively know how to parent.   She sought parenting advice when she felt guilty when she thought she had done a ‘bad job’ and ashamed when she saw someone else parenting the way she wished she could. Being a parent is the most demanding job she has ever done but equally it is a role filled with joy.

Elaine has helped hundreds of families to understand their child’s unique temperament and motivates parents to bring out the best in children and teenagers to ensure they have the opportunity to lead fulfilling lives and be able to cope with life’s knocks.

© the parent practice 2014

photo credit: Destiny via photopin (license)

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Absent Fathers Lost Sons

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Accredited Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

In my previous article, I wrote about divorced fathers and their children.

I put across some really important research that helps you know and understand just how vital your presence, as a father is, in your child’s life now and way into the future.

I am writing this new post after watching an episode of Dr Phil in which he is dealing with a family where dad is…not being very nice to put it extremely mildly.

Dad, in this episode seems to be completely oblivious to what the role of a father truly entails.

His behaviour, words and actions are absolutely destroying his children and the sad thing is he doesn’t seem to see it.  He just doesn’t seem to know or realise what he is doing to his children.

In this episode, Dr Phil has invited Dr Zimbardo, a well known and very, very experienced psychologist and author of The Demise of Guys, onto the show and after listening and watching for a while this is what Dr Zimbardo had to say about our young men and boys following his research findings.

Very scary…

“One of the things we have discovered is that boys are failing. Boys are really dropping out of life. They are failing academically, socially and when they get to be men, they are failing sexually. And we have identified some of the reasons, some of the culprits:

  •  It’s excessive isolation of playing of video games. They become addictive.
  • It’s excessive isolation watching pornography online which is addictive 
  • The absence of fathers.
absent fathers
40 – 50% of all boys in America are growing up without a father

40 – 50% of all boys in America are growing up without a father, from divorce, from separation, from father’s being absent and boys need fathers more than girls need fathers. Girls get what they would need from mothers.

Boys need guidance, they need boundaries, they need motivation, they need role models…

To have an abusive father is worse than having no father.

To make somebody feel that he is worthless, to undercut his sense of mastery, of course he’s going to fail. You never, every undercut their sense of self-esteem…because what you’re doing is destructive. You are harming them psychologically and even physically.”

So if you make up part of the absent fathers statistics or an abusive one then know what it is that you are doing to your children.  You’re not just hurting them now, in this present moment, you are harming for them for life.  You are changing who they are and getting them to be who they shouldn’t be.

You can change that.  It’s never too late to repair the damage caused.  Start with the small things.  Become aware of how destructive your words and actions are and don’t feel too big to apologise and make it right.

Admitting that you didn’t do the right thing by your child or children is one of the first and most important steps you can take in this healing journey.

You, as the father may have had an abusive relationship with your own father or grew up as one of the many children who live experienced absent fathers lives.

You may have been a victim of hurtful and soul destroying words and actions and it’s true what they say, you cannot give what you don’t have.  But once you know that this had been your own journey, is it not time to fix it?

As Dr Phil puts it in the show:

“We have an old saying in Texas that sometimes you have to rise above your raising.

You maybe raised by people that aren’t doing a very good job but there’s a point in which you’ve got to rise above your raising. You’ve got to say, “you know what, that’s just something I’ve got to do.” That’s just something I’ve got to do on my own.

Sometimes, the sad fact is that we have to give ourselves what we wish we could get from somebody else.

And you may have assumed some kind of a role and you can sit around and say, “Well the guy that could have picked and lifted me up didn’t,” and I’m sorry that that’s your experience of him. But you are firstly approaching adulthood and you’ve got to give yourself permission to believe in who you are because the more you know who you are, the less vulnerable you are to what other people tell you who you are.”

So yes, know, accept and realise that that has been your journey into manhood.  Rise above it and get to know you who you are, who you truly are.

Do you?

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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Dr Phil on Children of Divorce and their Parents

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I often watch and seek out videos that help in one way or other when it comes to issues around divorce and especially those around children and divorce.

Many have written on the effects of divorce on children and why children need both parents.

I have to say that if you read or watch just one thing around this topic please make it the video below by Dr Phil on children of divorce. It just really encapsulates what children of divorce need to make sure they do the best they can in their new life and chapter.

Children of divorce need as much help in coping with divorce. Many parents who are making it difficult for children to continue having a relationship with the other parent, either through parental alienation or by simply making it as difficult as possible for them to see one another, are often parenting from hurt, pain, anger and from a place of vengeance.

If this is you, realise that you may indeed be a toxic parent.

Children of divorce find themselves stuck in a situation chosen and created by parents. They are often confused, angry and lost.

The main and probably only people who can make it better for them are their parents.

If you are co-parenting with an angry ex or one who is uncooperative then sadly, it just means you’ve got more work to do in making sure your children’s fears and anxieties are contained. And if that container needs to be you then the best thing you can do is find and create your own support system that could include friends and extended family.

 

The children are picking up the tab for you running an emotional agenda and they will resent you for that in the long run. You may think you’re winning because you have the children and they’re clinging on to you and he’s on the outside looking in the day will come when they will look at you and say why did I have to grow up without my daddy?  I promise you this will backlash on you and you will remember the day that I said that to you if things don’t change here.

Dr Phil

 

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Divorce Through Children’s Eyes

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Parents may feel that they are sailing through divorce, yet children can view it quite differently.

As a part-time school nurse, I have listened to many children who end up in my nurse’s office with stress induced health issues.

Here is what kids wish their parents knew:

• We are not property that has to be divided equally. One youngster developed an eye twitch after his parents’ divorce.

They tried to be fair splitting assets and this carried over to shared care 50/50. The boy did not like the frequent switches to each parent’s home.

I spoke to the mother about this boy’s concern. The parents were able to negotiate that he would spend 75% at his mum’s and 25% with dad. His dad would be able to pick Aiden up at his mum’s for an activity and return him there afterwards. The twitch went away with this new arrangement and Aiden enjoyed time with each parent.

• Do not march into battle over us. It may be appropriate in a Victorian novel to fight over a loved one, but not in this era. I had one student who spent all morning in my nurse’s office while his parents went to war in court over custody that day. His teacher sent this lad to me, since he was incapable of learning in the classroom. Reassure the child that his custody wishes will be taken into consideration. Keep kids out of the divorce drama and do not share details with them.

• We want to know that there will be some continuity in our lives. Let the kids know that while divorce details are still being decided, the main points in their lives will remain the same. The children will attend their current schools and maintain contact with friends. They will still go to sports practices, dance classes, scouting, or whatever activities they participate in now.

• We want some say in our lives. Loss of control equals ending up in my nurse’s office with headaches or stomach aches. While kids do not set boundaries or make the rules – they certainly can have some input. Let them help with family decisions, such as do we want a summer holiday, or spread treats out during the year and have a staycation? Ask what their priorities are and work on a strategy together on how to reach them.

• Listen to us when we try and get your attention. Do not let a small problem turn into a big one because you are barely able to keep your head above water. I have seen a few kids develop eating disorders after parents’ divorces.

Check in with your children at least weekly to let them air their concerns.

Some do this at family meetings to discuss issues and go over the weekly schedule and upcoming events. Kids who feel lost in the shuffle may turn to the comfort of drugs and alcohol. When busy, doing parallel activities side by side with the kids still counts as spending time with them.

• Please do not talk to me about the other parent or your frustrations with them. Kids know our strengths and weaknesses and do not require having them pointed out by the other parent. I just tell my son that both of his parents have made mistakes and he can see what worked and use that when he becomes a parent.

• Do not make excuses about the absent parent which gets our hopes up and confuses us about reality. If a parent does not pick up the child for visitation or carries through on a promise, do not defend them. That can prolong agony or give false expectations when one parent wants to step out of the picture. You do not know what is going on in the absent parent’s heart or mind, so do not give reassurances. Instead focus on the child.

Acknowledge the child’s feelings, saying that you can see she is disappointed/frustrated. Perhaps introduce a diversion, such as suggesting she call a friend now for a pizza sleepover.

If you feel that your children are not adjusting to the divorce situation, then consider taking them to meet with a divorce coach or therapist.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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parental alienation

10 Signs of Parental Alienation

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10 Signs of Parental Alienation

“You don’t want to turn this over to the courts. You don’t want to go in there and file a motion and turn the destiny of your family over to a stranger. You want to work this out yourselves if you can.”Dr Phil

signs of parental alienation - www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Linda Gottlieb and Dad

The child is programmed to believe that her/his other parent is: worthless, selfish, unloving, malevolent, undeserving, and dangerous, etc.

The effective result is that the children become convinced they will be happier, healthier, and better adjusted if their targeted parent is eradicated from their lives.

Some examples of the denigrating behaviour are listed below:

1)  Sabotaging and interfering with visits or not permitting visits at all.

2)  Depriving the targeted parent of important information about the child, including but not limited to medical, educational, and social activities.

3)  Not informing and excluding the targeted parent from the child’s activities, parent/teacher conferences, birthdays, religious events, graduations, etc.

4)  Programming the child against the targeted parent by belittling, criticizing, and deprecating the targeted parent in the child’s presence.

5)  Removing the targeted pictures of the targeted parent from the child’s awareness.

6)  Interference with and not being supportive of contact between the targeted parent and the child. This contact includes the telephone, text messaging, e-mailing, skype, or other methods.

7)  Making unilateral decisions in major areas regarding the child.

8)  Verbally and physically abusing the targeted parent by the child and/or alienating parent.

9)  Defying the targeted parent’s supervision and authority.

10)  Rejection of the targeted parent’s gifts, cards, vacations, and other offers of help.

by Linda Gottlieb, LMFT, LCSW

If you would like to know more about Linda please do visit her website  -www.endparentalalienation.com

Click on the link below to get Linda’s book from Amazon

linda gottlieb -Book Cover

www.amazon.co.uk/Parental-Alienation-Syndrome-Collaborative-Amelioration/

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Children of Divorce First Christmas

Children of Divorce First Christmas

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Children of Divorce First Christmas
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Christmas is soon upon us and from speaking with people it seems to be very much like Marmite – you either love it or hate it.

But when you are going through a divorce or have just been through one, it can be one of the most difficult and challenging holidays you will have and for your children, one of the most confusing times too.

So here are somethings that you could do to make sure that they are all right, to make sure that they enjoy this time as much as possible.

  •  Let them know exactly what the plans are during the festive season, i.e. who they are spending the holidays with, where and how.  If they are spending time with your ex and you don’t know what the plans are for them, then let them know this too but if you can get this information for them then do so and pass it on to them.  It’s all about alleviating any anxieties and worries they may have at this time by preparing them in advance.
  • You could arrange for the children to have an “early” Christmas with the parent with whom they will not be spending their holiday time with.  They could replicate what they would have done were they to be together including opening presents etc.  Rituals are important practices to mark occasions and giving the children this time with the other parent provides them with a time to practice this ritual and with both parents too albeit at different times and different locations.
  • Not the best time to introduce a new partner.  That you are now divorced or separated and it’s their first Christmas living in this new world, will mean that your children will need time to adjust to this new life without the added complication of adjusting to a new person in their life.
  • Prepare yourself to hear that one of their wishes is to have mummy and daddy back together if only for a day and prepare yourself for them to make efforts to achieve this goal see here
  • Don’t make the children worry about you or feel guilty that they are not with you over Christmas by telling them how lonely you will be.  Look after them by telling them that you will be fine and that you have plans etc. If you don’t have plans then make some.  By all means do tell them that you will miss them not that you will be lonely without them.

If you are worried that your child is or has been affected by the divorce or separation then do contact me on +44(0)7850 85 60 66.

Warm hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Toxic parents

Mitigating the Effects of Toxic Parents Post-divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

In the majority of cases, former spouses are able to co-parent peacefully together for the good of their children.

They put aside any animosity for the well-being of their kids and set about the task of moving on in their own lives.

Yes, there are some bumps in the road, but learning how to negotiate goes a long way in smoothing out these situations.

In rare circumstances, one parent has a personality disorder in which their conscience or morality is faulty.

There are ways to counterbalance the influence of a toxic parent or toxic parents after divorce.

My older son said that the most important measure which helped him was volunteering.

My sons heard so many negatives that helping needy people and animals took the focus off them and onto how they could make the world a better place.

We took supplies to hospitals in Asia and feline medications to a cat clinic in the Cook Islands. At home my sons volunteered with animals, at a homeless shelter, and tutoring youngsters in chess.

toxic parents
Volunteering offset the message that people are not important, and I in particular.

Helping others is very rewarding and they enjoy doing so. Volunteering connects your children to others and connection is what a parent with a personality disorder lacks.

As an added bonus, being of service to others fosters a work ethic for future jobs. It also teaches kids to get along with people of different cultures, ages, and classes, which is necessary in this global economy.

Another aspect to help children not follow in a parent’s self-centeredness is by traveling and meeting folks from different cultures. They see others with their eyes and form their own impressions. This reduces prejudice, even if the other parent spouts vile opinions of others not in her ethnic group.

We went to a Muslim country soon after 9/11 and the warmth and kindness my boys received made a lasting impression. Children are less likely to be judgemental when they have enjoyed the hospitality of people in different lands, no matter what others may be saying about them.

Helping children connect to their spiritual side diminishes the effects of antagonistic remarks made by the other parent. Whether this is going to church or appreciating the beauty of nature, the children then have something outside of themselves. My son enjoys singing in the choir and my friend delights in gazing at the ocean. Whatever feels right to you is fine.

Remember to give your kids extra cuddles.

A toxic parent may not be affectionate, but rather more aloof. Reassure your kids that you will always be there for them. A dysfunctional parent may play mind games, make empty promises, and attempt to use the kids in a tug of war.

Do not get involved in these battles and get a third party to intervene if necessary.

The important thing is to be a constant presence in your kids’ lives and give unconditional love. Have clear boundaries, expectations, and consequences when these are violated. The kids know where they stand with you.

Consider having the kids check in with a children’s divorce coach to ensure that they are thriving and not just surviving.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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Conflict and Children of Divorce

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Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Where there’s divorce there’s usually conflict, almost always, the only thing that will differ is the intensity and duration of the conflict.

Helping children cope with divorce from the get go is vital if you’re to avoid as many negative effects of divorce on children as possible.

We all agree that conflict is a normal part of family life. What matters is how parents deal with it, how they resolve it and how they practice helping children cope with the situation.

There are many children of divorce who have had to endure, continuous conflict over several years while their parents learn how to cope with divorce and continue in their life post-divorce.

Living in a world where they are continuously faced with the uncertainty and fear of when the next fight or argument will come means they are living in a state of perpetual anxiety.  They may have done so over several years at which point this state of existence seems like the only thing they know.

Over time though, you may notice changes in your little one in which case you may need to seek help in order to restore their world into a less dangerous conflictual place and reduce the anxiety that maybe affecting them physically, emotionally and behaviourally.

Children of divorce have a way of learning how to cope with difficulties and this may in turn translate into them seemingly able to cope, but in reality, this coping mechanism maybe but a defence mechanism initiated by them to protect themselves from the insecure environment in which they exist.

You are your child’s best expert so you’ll know best if he/she is experiencing any of the following and how serious the situation maybe.

  • Behavioural problems. This is perhaps the most common and/or the most noticeable change. Children will often express stress, the lack of adequate support and anxieties through behaviour as opposed to words.  Depending on their age or maturity level, your child may not have the necessary vocabulary needed to express how they feel and even they may not understand why they feel or behave as they do.
  • Sleep disturbances. Your child is finding it difficult to fall sleep or remain asleep through the night or you may find that your child is sleeping more than usual (which maybe very normal in adolescence).  Either way, their usual sleep pattern is disturbed and erratic.
  • Children of divorce www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
    Conflict and Children of Divorce

    Psychosomatic symptoms. Your child maybe suffering from physical pain, which is very real to him/her but the doctors cannot find anything wrong with him/her. This could be caused by the stressful situation in which they live.  Think of yourself when you are stressed – do you suffer from throbbing headaches, upset stomach or lower back pain.  Where in your body do you feel the discomfort of your environment?  Same thing applies to your child.

  • Underachievement at school mainly due to lack of concentration.  Continuous conflict has a way of making it’s way into our system.  Depending on the severity of the conflict at home, your child maybe suffering from lack of sleep coupled with stomach upset resulting in reduced concentration in the classroom.
  • Regression. Where you child is now showing behaviour more consistent with his/her younger self; behaviours that they had outgrown but have now reverted back to, may include bed wetting, language (using baby talk for certain words) and a relapse in milestones once achieved now “forgotten”.
  • Where your child is no longer interested in things that she/he used to enjoy doing or taking part in.  Withdrawal from activities that he/she once enjoyed either at school or at home and preferring to alone time in a melancholic sort of way as opposed in replacing those past activities with new ones.

We, as adults and as parents, can and do underestimate children’s ability to understand and deal with feelings and relationships.

Like any other child in distress, children of divorce will appreciate you speaking with them and answering their questions as much as and as best as possible as you can.  This can go a long way in helping them deal with the situations.

It only takes a couple of minutes to stop, look and listen to our children.  Those couple of minutes are likely to determine how your child feels and behaves for the rest of the hour, day etc.

Give them permission to speak with you or someone they trust about the divorce and the situation in which they are currently living.  Doing this can open doors for communication to happen spontaneously in the future hence avoiding a whole lot of problems down the line.

Just letting them know it’s ok to ask and to enquire what happened and what is going on and letting them see that you, as the parent, can handle and contain their fears, worries and anxieties allows them to come to you.

If you are concerned about your little one(s) don’t hesitate to contact me on 07850 85 60 66 or email me at soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk

Warm hugs,

Soila

(Don’t forget to get your copy of When Love is Broken” – Children coping with divorce

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Coping with Divorce and the Lessons Learned

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

I have been divorced for seven years and have learned a few lessons along the way.

When I first got divorced most things seemed monumental. I had to learn when to step back and when to charge ahead. I sometimes felt like I was in a fog and relied too much on others.

When visitation deteriorated post-divorce, I listened to my mum and other well-meaning people about just letting it go on as scheduled. Instead of filing a motion with the court to suspend it, my younger son was particularly traumatized by going to visitation a year longer than necessary.

He has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which may have been less had I heeded his demand not to go anymore.

Neither son has contact with their father or his parents. The point is to listen to your gut feeling and push for a resolution to a problem sooner than later. One is vulnerable and is prone to put too much weight on other people’s opinions.

Instead of reacting, take a break from the situation to come up with a response.  Reactions are hot-headed and responding is taking in the facts and making an informed decision about what to do.

One does not have to make quick decisions in a panic, but can say, “Let me get back to you.”

This also applies to family members, work colleagues, or anyone who may try to enlist your time and energy when you are running on empty.

It is not only okay to run away, but even therapeutic.

Go to Cornwall or Brighton and enjoy the sea. Or go to more far-flung places to heal and rejuvenate yourself. Getting away from a stressful divorce situation was the balm to soothe our emotional wounds.

For my sons and I meandering down lanes in Palermo increased our bonding and feeling that we can get through anything.

My sons and I were allowed to go on an already-scheduled cruise during my divorce. The other passengers were fabulous and shared their getting through adversity stories. Walking through the souk in Tunis and

Our batteries were recharged during this journey.

I discovered how important family is during a crisis like divorce.

There was a month gap during my divorce before I could get some funds released to me and when I had to make a down payment on the house I was purchasing. My cousin provided the short-term loan of £13,200 so that I could close on my house before I received some divorce assets. I would have lost this sanctuary without my cousin’s kindness.

On the flip side, a well-to-do family member (not related to him), refused to do a short-term loan so that I could get my house. She stated that I did not know how to negotiate. You may be surprised by what family members come through for you and those that do not.

Divorce taught me to appreciate the smaller pleasures in life; hummingbirds hovering around my zinnias, a perfect latte, and the bliss of a pedicure.

When I was enduring a bad marriage, I was focused on survival, not bits of joy. Consider thinking of several things a day for which you are thankful. This helps to not take kindness for granted. Pay attention to what increases your happiness and plan these regularly into your schedule. Fun and laughter have health benefits and decrease my headaches. Meeting friends is a necessity and not an indulgence.

Divorce teaches assertiveness. I stand up to people whom I think are taking advantage of me or someone else.

When a former boss put a false allegation into my yearly review I went to the Human Resources Department to lodge a rebuttal. I sent the boss a polite note pointing out her error. I did get input from a few colleagues first, to make sure that I was on target and not overreacting.

When a garage botched a co-worker’s car repair, I called them and demanded that they fix it (they did).

Going through a divorce has increased my social and professional networks. At first the pool of friends shrinks, but then expands as we meet new people. Post-divorce is an adventure with many twists and turns.

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ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, and hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK.

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A Guide for Blended Families

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Step-parents and children can thrive in blended families with little understanding of the process.

Merging begins with the Courting Phase, just as with dating.

People are on their best behaviour, showing their good side and hiding their less stellar points. They may be more giving than usual, saying “I’ll take your glass to the sink, just sit there darling.”

Then comes the Honeymoon Phase.

The newly blended family is having extra fun, going to amusement parks and keeping occupied with other enjoyable pursuits. Life is one big holiday and individuals are getting along so well.

Then day to day reality sets in. Not only is the sink pointed out to the child, but so is the mop and dust cloth. Chores materialize and the honeymoon is over. Disenchantment can set in on both sides.

The children may become sulky when life is no longer all fun and games. The step-parent wonders what happened to the sweet kids and who are these opinionated brats?

How to make blending go smoother?

Be your authentic self at all times. Be warm and kind, but not bending over backwards to fulfil the children’s every whim. From day one, let them know that there is no maid service, so everyone takes their glasses to the sink.

You are not their best friend and let them warm up to you on their own time schedule. Do not attempt to bribe them with presents to win them over. Even if they never come around completely, insist upon respect and good manners, not love. Let them know you are there for them, whenever they want help.

blended families www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
The newly blended family is having extra fun and keeping occupied with other enjoyable pursuits

Realize that people are on their best behaviour during the Courting Phase, so do not be blindsided when reality sets in. Children can be great, but have to let off steam. Do not take it personally when it happens.

Some of my friends have talked about their own step-mothers to their new step-children. They emphasize what great family friends they are and how they fill a special supportive role.

As a biological parent, consider having regular family meetings to air concerns and set up a rota for chores.

My step-mother gave me chores to do when I came over on the weekends and this helped me to feel a part of her family. I felt like I did my share and was not a guest.

Give expected behaviour guidelines, such as treating everyone with respect. Ask kids what special treats and fun they would like, but be clear that you are not getting a bank loan to do expensive activities every weekend. It was the little things that I enjoyed most with my step-mum, such as making paper dolls or baking brownies.

One step-dad was great at helping his step-son maintain his clunker of a car. It is the experiences that are so meaningful to step-kids.

Expect bumps in the road. Life may be going smoothly, then there is chaos. This can be a result of children turning into teens or other issues. The key is communication. Attempt to discuss what is going on. If things become more difficult, consider a session or two with a divorce coach to get everyone back on track. One may discover that there are issues with the other parent or difficulties at school.

With time, blended families grow to love, or at least like each other. It was wonderful for me to gain an instant extended family, since I am an only child. It helps when the biological parent is supportive of the new step-parent, as my mother was of my step-mum.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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Stepmums
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Author of My Stepmum and Me, Kathryn Maile

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  • How did you come up with the idea?  What was the trigger?
Kathryn Maile - www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Kathryn Maile Author of My Stepmum and Me

I always make up stories and rhymes with and for the children, which they love.

The trigger was the attitude I sometimes faced from other parents when collecting the children from their friends parties etc. So I reviewed the rhymes and stories in an attempt to have them published, as not all Stepmums are wicked.

 

  • You’re a step-mum today, were you a bit apprehensive when you realised what it was that you were getting into?

No, as my husband and I have a very strong relationship which was built over a very long period of time as friends. We are very united and supportive of each other, so I had no reason to worry or be apprehensive.

 

  • Did you, yourself, ever think of step-mothers as bad and evil?

The one stepmother who stuck in my mind from childhood was snow white’s. But that was just a fairy tale and I don’t think anyone who is truly willing to take on another persons child(ren) can be evil.

 

  • I have met both men and women who say that they wouldn’t want to be step-parents – what would you say to them?

I would say because of that mind set they are missing out, hugely.

 

  • What advice would you give a woman who is about to become a stepmum?

Be united as a couple and as a Stepmum open minded toward the children. It will be a learning curve for all involved so patience and understanding is key.

 

  • Stepmum - www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukHow do you manage your step mum role regarding discipline for instance?

Not differently than if they were my own children.

 

  • I’m assuming, maybe wrongly, that you and your husband’s ex-wife do get on well.  If so, how did you manage to achieve this?

Despite my great relationship with the children I have no relationship with their mother.

 

  • What advice would you give a step-mum vis-a-vis her relationship with his ex-partner?  

If you can all get on that has to be of benefit to the children. If this is clearly not possible keep her respectfully at arms length to avoid any issues within your own relationship.

There has to be a mutual respect from both parties for the role they each play in the children’s life’s.

 

  • Do you also attend school functions such as parent’s evenings,sports days etc?

Yes, when possible my husband and I attend the children’s parents evening, school plays etc. In fact the children’s father has made a huge effort to be involved in the children’s school which sadly is not easy being a divorced Dad. The children have benefited massively from this effort as they are over the moon when we attend their plays / recitals / school fairs etc and even more so when their little brother gets to come too as they like to show him off!

 

About Kathryn:

Originally from Ireland I moved to London over 20 years ago and worked in the Finance Industry in the City. I became a Stepmum in 2006 to 3 lovely children and became a mum to a wonderful son in 2012. The children adore each other which is just wonderful to see and experience, I now spend my time with my husband and children between our homes in Ireland and London. 

Book 2, A Boy’s Tale, is currently underway with more books to follow.

 

Signed copies (while stocks last) direct from the author, just email me on:

Mystepmumandme@outlook.com,  Direct from the publisher (Penpress)

The book will also be available shortly from Amazon and Waterstones on line

In store (date to be confirmed)

 

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Divorce, Children and Family Mediation Process

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The Divorce Magazine speaks with Collaborative Lawyer and Family Mediator Austin Chessell about divorce, children and family mediation process.

If you’re wondering how to get to divorced and are not sure what might work for you, then listen to this interview on children of divorce and how the family mediation process works and helps.

 

  •  What are the common children issues parents want to resolve in mediation?
  • What type of contact should parents think about before coming to mediation if they want to prepare?
  • Can people other than parents be involved in family mediation process e.g. grandparents?
  • Can the children themselves be part of the family mediation process?
  • Is there special training you need to do to work with children?
  • Is what is proposed in mediation for children matters legally binding?
  • Can we return to mediation when the children are older if we want to review what was previously agreed?
  • You used to volunteer and work at a children contacts centre. Did the experiences there help shape you as a family mediator?
  • Can you use mediation to discuss which religion a child should follow and also can it be discussed in mediation if a name change should take place for the child?
  • Does the age of the child impact on how the childcare and living arrangements will work?

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