children and divorce - Page 7

Proposed surrogacy reforms in the UK.
Photo by Xavier Mouton Photographie on Unsplash.

Proposed Surrogacy Recommendations and the Impact on Divorce

Published on
Natalie Sutherland
Natalie Sutherland
Partner
Burgess Mee Family Law

The Law Commissions’ new surrogacy recommendations, which include a specific new pathway to enable intended parents (IPs) to be their child’s legal parents from birth, provided the eligibility criteria and pre-conception safeguards are met, will have a significant impact not only for the child, but for the intended parents.

Currently, the IPs are not the child’s legal parents until the Parental Order is made, which can be many months from the birth of the child, leaving the child in a legal limbo. Also, often only one of the IPs is the biological parent, often leaving the non-biological parent more vulnerable. There have been cases where the IPs have split up before the Parental Order is made and this has thrown into question whether the eligibility criteria of a child having its home with the IPs both at the time the application is made and at the time the order is made, is met.

Whilst Judges have been able to purposively interpret the meaning of ‘home’ to enable separated IPs to continue to apply for a Parental Order together, if the new recommendations are made law, then this limbo is removed, and both IPs can be certain that they will be legal parents from birth. In any subsequent divorce or separation, the court would treat them as equal legal parents, just as other any other separating parents.

Click here for more articles about Children and Divorce.

About Natalie

Natalie Sutherland heads the Modern Families Department at Burgess Mee Family Law. She is a partner specialising in surrogacy and fertility law, she advises on the whole spectrum of family law issues.

She is a Resolution accredited specialist in private children law and high-net-worth financial remedies. She has won several awards including

Get in contact today:

  • Email
  • Call – 0203 824 9957
Next Generation Partner.
Natalie Sutherland
Next Generation Partner
The Legal 500 UK 2023
Family Law Partner of the Year
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Family Law Partner of the Year
Family Law Awards 2022

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What are the Effects of Divorce on Children

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

Every divorce presents a turning point in a child’s life no matter the age.

The world as they know it changes and becomes another place that, temporarily or otherwise, is perceived as unstable, uncertain and even ugly.

For the parents, the bottom line is that a “failed” marriage leads to other losses: loss of financial stability, assets (e.g. the family home), loss of the future they had once planned for.

For the child, it’s a huge bag of losses too as, aside from the family unit they once knew, the repercussions of their parents’ divorce can continue for years.

The effects of divorce on your child’s entire being can span from mild to acute. And when we speak of ‘mild’ we mean a reaction that is so mild that you may miss it and it’s only when someone else points it out to you that you realise that yes, indeed there has been a change or an impact.

The impact of divorce on children can also range from short-term to long-term.

I recall hearing a man being interviewed on the radio, stating that his parents’ divorce was the most difficult time in his life, despite the fact that he had lost his mother, whom he loved dearly, just a couple of years prior to the interview. The effects of his parents’ divorce, he said, were still with him mainly because of the way his parents treated one another post-divorce.

  • Children from the same family may be affected differently by the experience of your divorce
  • None of the effects apply to all children of divorce. Some may be more common than others, while others quite rare
  • No child has ever suffered from all the effects of divorce.

There is, for instance, the fact that the children have seen their parents go from being married and living together to breaking up, living separately and perhaps even getting involved in more frequent and intense arguments.

The children witness the changes that occur in their parents too: their desperation, their crying and their anger. They get to see a side of their parents they probably didn’t know existed before.

They also have to learn how to live without the continuous presence of one parent while they live with the other. A vacuum and void have been created in their daily lives.

“In the personal history of the boy or girl, parental divorce is a watershed event. Life that follows is significantly changed from how life was before.”

-Dr Carl Pickhardt

Here’s a brief summary of some of the effects of divorce on children aged up to 9 and those aged 9 – 13 years.

 

Up to 9 From 9–13
As family is still very much the focus of their lives – both social and in the home – there may be more need for parental care, e.g. crying at bedtimes, more clinginess than usual, and an increase in or re-emergence of tantrums With your 9+ child you may notice an almost sudden rush to independence, greater self-sufficiency, a need to spend more time with friends and others outside the family, and taking care of his own needs when at home, including putting him/herself to bed
Some regression in abilities and milestones recently achieved, e.g. tying of shoelaces, eating habits, bedwetting (necessitating more parental care) The response here may be one of anger, aggression and rebellion. He may want to get back at his parents for breaking up his life
Believes and wishes that parents could get back together – and this could last a while Able to accept and come to terms with the divorce and separation much more quickly
Separation anxieties may be evident during transition from one parent to the other as well as at school drop-off Likely to be indifferent to or discount family rules and discipline
Has a strong need to feel the family connection once again, and is very likely to see the divorce as their fault May show their distress by withdrawing into themselves and avoiding time with the family
Difficulty in concentrating at school Difficulty in concentrating at school

If you’re concerned about your child do contact me and let’s get it all sorted.

soila@parentinglives.co.uk – 07850 85 60 66

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Divorce Lies

Divorce Lies and the Impact on your Child – Part 1

Published on
Ruth A. S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)

Bulls are enraged by the color red.

A fallen baby bird cannot be placed back in their nest. The great wall of China is visible from space.

None of these are true; however, facts do not really matter.  If a statement is repeated often enough this becomes the truth.

This is the illusory truth effect: Repetition creates a sense of validity. In essence, repeating is believing.

Anyone of a difficult divorce knows the feelings of devastation and helplessness when your ex tells a story casting you as the villain.  They believe the scenario is true; however, you know this is yet, another tale of lies.

Sadly, the untruths are shared with family and friends and sometimes co-workers.  The destruction cuts to the core even deeper when the disinformation is deliberately conveyed to your child.

This is important information in high conflict divorces because repetition supersedes prior knowledge.

Your child may recall a close and loving relationship with you yet, the illusory truth effect means your child perceives the repeated negative statements as the truth. Negative statements, albeit false, are replacing what they know to be true by the false statements they are hearing. In essence, constant exposure to the negative facts becomes your child’s new reality.

In high conflict divorce, sometimes, one parent uses the illusory truth effect leading your child to believe you do not want to see or talk to them, or you do not care about your child.  In actuality, nothing could be farther from the truth.

What you want is the opportunity to protect your child.  Instead, your child is embroiled in the bitter battle called the illusory truth effect.

The illusory truth effect is a concept evolving from a 1977 study. Recent research challenged the findings revealing repeated statements are easier for the mind to process as there is a sense of familiarity when hearing the information again.

The brain perceives this as ordinary information and processes the material quicker.  The mind is concluding the fact as a true statement faster because this is now common knowledge.

Despite the fact that most parents teach their children not to lie; the illusory truth effect demonstrates parents lie too. Like most relationships, trust is the groundwork for a strong parent and child bond.

A child willingly and whole heartedly believes what their parents say. Things do not need to make perfect sense because the child trusts their parents. Expecting to hear the truth is natural.

Parents or parent figures are the backbones to the heart and soul of children. If we did not have parents our society would be different. When parents are kind and loving they want the best for their children. Parents are influential with the power to instill a sense of belief creating a strong foundation for the child to grow.

Children love and trust both parents. This is what makes the illusory truth irrevocably damaging. Who is speaking truths or untruths is not your child’s issue. Adding insult to injury, spouting lies about the child’s other parent is like putting a knife in their little heart.

Intensifying this even more, a key point revealed in recent research shows the illusory truth effect may be more powerful when individuals are distracted or tired. A child within the throes of a high conflict divorce may experience both making a child more vulnerable to the ‘facts’ directed at them.

Why are the lies harmful to your child? Children are not emotionally equipped to differentiate the illusory truth from lies.

More importantly, parents are purposefully altering their children’s lives. All children have a right to enjoy a caring, kind, and loving relationship with both parents. Both parents are entitled to the opportunity to parent and protect their child.

Despite the illusory truth effect baby birds can be placed back in their nest and man-made structures are not observable from low orbit.

As for the bulls? Bulls are color blind and not angered by the color red. In fact, they are reacting to the movement of the fabric.

Part 2 will offer examples in responding to the illusory truth imparted on your child.

References:

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022537177800121

www.businessinsider.com/15-everyday-facts-that-are-totally-wrong-2011-8#the-great-wall-of-china-is-not-visible-from-space-1

www.theacorn.com/news/2013-08-15/Front_Page/What_happens_when_one_parent_poisons_a_child_again.html

metro.co.uk/2015/12/01/if-you-repeat-a-lie-enough-people-think-its-true-5536488/#ixzz4er8LS9l2

ABOUT RUTH

Ruth is a Certified Family Life Educator and advocate for SharedParenting.  She works in the arena of Shared Parenting focusing on the parent/child relationship in the divorce process.

Ruth actively participates in establishing equal parenting in custody and divorce. She has authored several articles on divorce, Family Court and Shared Parenting and is a contributor at the Huffington Post. She manages 3 sites directed toward the shared parenting arena and created a survey evaluating parents’ experience in Family Court.

LIKE on: Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional

Research and information offered to enhance the parent-child relationship.    SharedParentingInfo.com

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Practical Divorce Strategies for Teachers

Practical Divorce Strategies for Teachers & School Counselors

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Michelle Manno
Michelle Manno
Education Writer at 2U

Childhood is an exciting but constantly evolving time in life, and the upheaval of divorce can interrupt and influence how children develop and think about the world around them.

Because children spend so much of their day in school, educational staff are in a unique position to provide guidance for kids and changing families.

Counseling@NYU recently published an online guide for school counselors and other staff for supporting students who are dealing with divorce.

The guide recommends that the best support starts with challenging the myths of divorce, honoring the developmental level of the child, modeling open communication, and encouraging creative problem-solving.

Challenge the Myths

When considering the topic of divorce, it’s imperative to challenge your own biases and false assumptions about how a changing family can impact young people.

Teachers and school counselors may unknowingly exhibit lower expectations or other biases against kids with divorced parents. Because divorce can increase risk for long-term social and mental health problems, staff also must challenge the “they’ll get over it” philosophy that can take root when children react negatively to change.

Staff may also encounter parents who subscribe to the myth that children do best when they know as little possible.

School counselors, teacher, and administrators can encourage open communication in families so that children are not left to their own fears and imaginations.

Finally, the guide notes that research has debunked the myth that teenagers have an easier time with divorce than children. Teens are at a particularly high risk for engaging in risky behaviors during a divorce, so staff may have to remind parents’ that their teens are not yet fully adults and sometimes struggle to understand and navigate family changes. 

Consider Developmental Level

Kids are constantly testing out new ideas and behaviors, which lead to inevitable growing pains.

Teachers and school counselors must observe and consider which of these pains are part of the developmental process and which are signs that a child might be struggling with family changes like divorce. These signs can differ depending on the age of the child.

Younger children may exhibit physical symptoms like stomach pains or regress to younger responses like throwing tantrums or separation anxiety.

Researchers also have noticed that children in upper elementary school grades often try to take on emotional responsibility for their parents or get into more frequent fights with their peers. Teenagers will often revert to acting extremely negative or engaging in risky behaviors like sex, skipping school, or substance use. All of these signs are an indication that children may need extra support in coping with a divorce.

Stay Connected with Everyone

When conflict is high, it’s natural to revert to taking a side.

Even if you know or sympathize with a particular parent during a divorce, it’s important to remember that your ultimate priority is the child. Teachers and school counselors should try their best to communicate with both parents, to not keep secrets for one parent, and to advocate for the child. They can also include step-parents and other guardians who care for the child by having parents sign off on their involvement.

Because children in high-conflict divorce situations are often used as a “go between” for parents, staff can also educate parents about the emotional risks of pressuring their child to take on adult responsibilities or take sides.

Since children aren’t legally entitled to all of the privileges of confidentiality, school counselors may struggle with what to tell parents and what to keep between them and the child. Teachers and school counselors can facilitate conversations between parents and children so that children don’t feel betrayed by their teacher or counselor.

Be Creative 

It’s amazing how far a little bit of creative thinking can go toward supporting kids in difficult family situations.

Support groups are just one great examples of how students can feel heard and build resilience during a difficult time. If you’re thinking of starting a group at your school, make sure that students are around the same age, the duration matches their attention span, and that students have the ability to opt out if they change their mind.

Teachers of older children and teenagers can also incorporate examples of blended or diverse families in their curriculum to normalize family changes.

If you work with younger children, consider having an older student come to speak to a group or class about what helped them through a divorce or what they like about their blended family. The options are limitless when you access your creativity, so don’t forget that you can do a lot more than having one simple conversation about divorce.

When it comes to helping children through divorce, the small, thoughtful, and creative efforts of teachers and school counselors will add up over time. Even if parents are challenging, teachers and counselors can do a lot to reduce stigma and help students feel less alone. Consider what role you can play to help kids cope with divorce in your school community today.

 About Michelle

Michelle Manno is an education writer at 2U and has her Master’s Degree in Educational Psychology and Research.

She works with schools such as Counseling@NYU, the online master’s in school counseling from NYU Steinhardt, to create resources that support K-12 students. Say hi on Twitter @michellermanno.

 

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Children, Divorce and the 7 Parent Practices you need to Avoid

Children, Divorce and the 7 Parenting Practices to Avoid

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I have worked with children and families for several years now.

Lately, most of my clients have been parents going through divorce; some are concerned about their children’s change in behaviour while others have been court ordered to attend the Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) course which I run.

There are also those parents who are about to embark on the divorce process, or separation, who want to know how to handle the “announcement” for the children’s sake.

The 7 parent practices that I mention below are for any parents going through divorce or separation.

You may be right at the start of the divorce process or right bang in the middle, either way these are some crucial tips that will play a role in helping children cope with divorce… and ultimately, you too.

Don’t alienate the other parent from the children. Don’t become the toxic parent. However much you feel enraged by what your ex did, didn’t do or is doing to you, don’t interrupt his or her relationship with the children.

It doesn’t help your children in any way. All it does is aggravate the already demanding emotional and mental journey that they are living through.

Most parents are happy to say, “I will do anything for my children.”

So can you do this?  Can you allow them to continue having a relationship with their other parent despite how you feel? Can you give them that?

Don’t project a personal agenda onto your child. Don’t use your children to get something from your ex.

Completely keep your children out of your divorce or separation plans and goals. Don’t use them as messengers, spies or mediators so that you can get more information that will then work in your favour.

They don’t like this and when you question them when they come back home after spending time with their other parent, they know what you’re doing and it puts them in a very, very difficult position.

If you don’t want your ex-partner to know something about you and your new personal life, then keep it away from your children. Don’t tell them, show them etc and then ask them to keep it a secret from daddy or mummy.  Exactly where are they supposed to put it except inside they minds, hearts and thoughts.  Then what?

That’s not fair on them at all.  It may work for you, but it hurts them. You don’t want anyone else to hurt your children, then don’t it yourself.

When parents make their children feel guilty for having fun with the other parent, your children may begin dreading coming home to you as they won’t be able to share their day’s fun with you. They know it will only hurt you so they don’t talk about it.

Or what they may do, is tell you how horrid it was or how bored they were with the hope of making you feel better or good that they missed you or whatever and it may work for a bit until they learn that you brought up their “terrible” experience when you spoke with your solicitor and tried to use it as a means of limiting the amount of time your ex spends with the children.

Truth is, unless you avoid projecting a personal agenda onto your children, they will definitely be left picking up the tab for you running an emotional agenda.  Is this what you want for them if it means you get what you want?

Don’t tell your children about the legal details.  They really don’t need to know how much child maintenance your ex is paying you for instance.

How does that information help them?  If they ask, then be the parent and tell them that, that is something between you and their mum or dad.

I’ve worked with parents who provide their children with so much legal information and then they wonder why their child’s behaviour toward the other parent is changing for the worse or why they are unable to concentrate in school.

I recall the story of a child who would sit in class with his blazer on ready to leave because anytime the house would be sold and they would need to move far away.

Or the one who would frequent the school nurse’s office with frequent stomach pains. The school nurse soon realised that these visits coincided with court dates. The child was always informed when his parents where going to court something he didn’t need to know about. All it did was make him sick, literally, with worry and anxiety.  His parents had made it clear that it was the judge who was going to decide whom he was to live with.

Don’t tell your children about your spouses secrets. Again, what would be the reason for doing this other than try and score points with your children and get back at your ex?

How do you think they feel when you tell them something so deep about their mother or father. Do you believe that it washes off them like water off a duck’s back or do you imagine that it sinks in and just unsettles their inner being for a very long time?

Of course doing so will hurt and anger your ex to no end – and I can only imagine that would be your goal – but truth is it will hurt, confuse, embarrass and cause unnecessary suffering to your children and for what?

Don’t denigrate your child’s other parent in your child’s presence or within her earshot. Avoid, at all costs, making negative comments about your ex as a means of earning your child’s support or proving a point.

It may work for you while they are little but they do grow up and they will see for themselves what game you were playing. What will you say then?

Avoid marital conflict in front of your child. Of course this is easier said than done because at times, you just want to scream, swear and yell back and then slam the door shut or throw the phone out of a moving car!

And it will happen.  And when it does, it’s really ok to apologise to your child for having put them through that experience. Acknowledge that you did wrong.  That goes a long way in making them feel safe again.

But if it’s the order of the day, if conflict is a certainty at practically every exchange or transition, then you will need to find an alternative. Arguing and fighting in front of your children changes who they are.

Can you imagine how anxious they begin to feel just at the thought that you and your ex are about to come face to face at the exchange?

One parent told me how his 7 year old had started insisting that she be dropped off at the end of road so she can walk to her mother’s alone.  This little girl was willing to fight her own fear of walking alone so as to avoid seeing her parents in conflict.

If you constantly argue and fight, once it’s over and you each go your own way, try and think how your child is feeling before, during and even hours after it’s over. If it’s close to bedtime, how will this affect their sleep.  Now realise that they feel like that at every exchange at every thought of his parents meeting up.

Don’t use child as your support system.  I’m unable to count the number of times I have heard parents tell me that if it wasn’t for the support they get from their child, they don’t know what they would do.

Coping with divorce and separation is your job as the adult. Helping children cope with divorce and separation is your job as the parent.

This is the time that you as a parent needs to show up. You need to provide a secure and caring environment for your child so that he or she can continue being the child that she is by you being the parent that you need to be.

Your children need the space to grieve the loss of their family (and more) as they knew it.  They need to know that when they come home or when you come home, they can lean on you, ask you questions, cry if they need to and demonstrate their anger and frustration when they feel like it.

They need to do all this so that they can move on emotionally and mentally.

So find your own support system. Find people whom you can call on to be there for you, be they family, friends or professionals. Look after you and you will be able to look after your little ones at this time when they need you most.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, Parenting Practitioner, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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Five Essential Steps to Support your Children During Divorce or Separation

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That you and your ex are going through a breakup is a huge deal for your children no matter what age including infants and toddlers.

One thing you need to know about infants is that not only are they extremely sensitive to their environment but they are also very much aware when someone, whom they have been seeing frequently, is no longer available or present. (There is plenty to say about the 0 – 3 year olds and divorce but that’s a whole other article).

The thing with divorce or separation is that it is one of those times when your parenting skills and abilities are tested to the limit!

Here you are busy going through a hellish, challenging time that is possibly preoccupying your every thought and time of your day, while simultaneously being expected to be the best parent you can ever be because your children need you to show up even more.

Here’s how you can do that in 5 essential steps:

Listen, understand and love: One of the first important elements of divorce or separation is to acknowledge and accept that the break-up will affect your child.  How much will depend on how you and the other parent deal with it and with each other.

Really listen to your children when they speak. Are there any recurring themes that they are not directly asking or talking to you about? Is there a particular game that your young child plays over and over again that might be divorce-related?

One six-year-old would dress her dolls up ready to go out when their dad came to pick them up.  He never showed.

It is ok and actually recommended that you tell them that you understand that this is not an easy time for them and keep telling them that you love them and that you are there for them.

Show them love as often as possible. This doesn’t mean spending long blocks of time with them, a hug here and there, kind words and positive attention can go a long, long way.

Communicate: Answer their questions. During the divorce process, children will have questions about the divorce or separation. They will want to know how it will affect their lives. What is going to change?

Speak frankly and honestly with them but avoid involving them in adult matters or providing them with unnecessary hurtful details.

Without answers, children will allow their imagination to provide them with explanations and interpretations that they so need and we all know who imaginative children can be. If they ask you a question that you have no answer to, then tell them so.

Self-observe: This is a tough time that you are all going through. You will make parenting mistakes, not one but a few.

Being aware of your feelings, thoughts,  words and actions can help you deal with and react to most things that come your way. Are you alienating the other parent by what you say and do while the children are present? Are you being civil with the other parent or able to put your own feelings aside for the sake of the children?

Did you know that your thoughts affect your feelings which then affect your behaviour? These three parts of you are so intertwined that not feeling a certain way due to a thought you have had is almost impossible which then means that you will behave or react to that thought in a way that correlates with the thought.

So be mindful of your feelings, thoughts and actions – in what you say and what you – do especially if your children are present or within earshot.

Seek professional help and support: When you are not sure, ask. Ask a professional for support and guidance. This is definitely not the time to try and do things yourself.  Have a psychotherapist or counsellor work with you and if you are struggling with behavioural problems with your child, work with a parenting practitioner to help you continue parenting your child positively through this time.

Be your child’s compass: Remember that you are not your child’s only influence so you better be the best.  As mentioned earlier, this is the time that your children will need you the most – someone to guide them and keep their lives as steady as possible.

Keep them in the fold and bring them back with they wander off – very common with teenagers. They will look to you for what’s right and if they cannot find it, they might look elsewhere.

As I often say, divorce or separation will always be an important time in your child’s life,  but what is even more crucial is how you and your ex handle the divorce process and your lives after separation. Let it be an experience they went through at some point in their lives. Don’t allow it to become an experience that defines them and their future adult relationships.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, a Parenting Practitioner, an accredited Triple P practitioner, a Certified Trauma Specialist and a trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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 Children, Divorce and Alienated Grandparents

Published on
Ruth A. S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)

Grandparents play a special role in our lives.

What happens to that relationship in the midst of divorce/separation?

Sometimes, the dynamics become skewed and very complicated. Reshaping the grandchild/grandparent relationship becomes inevitable.

  • Is the role of the grandparent minimized and sometimes eliminated all together?
  • Will the grandchild suffer from the aftermath?
  • Will the grandparents experience grief and heartache because they are no longer viewed as a valuable asset to the child’s life sometimes resulting in alterations to their daily routine?

The answers are an emphatic Yes! Yes! And, Yes!

Divorce and separation have powerful ramifications. Anyone in the path of destruction will feel the impact.

A parent, new or ex boyfriend or girlfriend may become involved, drastically changing communication dynamics and everyday experiences. Or, things may shift because of someone or something else. Regardless of the reason why, the pain of divorce/separation can have far-reaching and long-term effects. On everyone.

Too often, relatives become caught up in the web of confusion that may spin out of control, landing them in the evil vortex of non-existence. This is what happens to many grandparents. They are an integral part of their grand-babies’ lives one day and totally removed the next, with no explanation or notice.

We need to be mindful of the relationship the child has with other family members. When we look at the special bond that exists between a grandchild and grandparent we must expand our gaze and see that the child is not the only one who suffers.

Grandparents’ experience emotional grief too.

Alienated grandparents have become a fast growing group in the arena of divorce. There are now numerous support groups and pages offering advice, emotional support and help.

These confessions portray the feelings of frustration and heartache experienced by too many grandparents.

Note: some responses have been altered and identifying info was deleted to maintain anonymity.

Grandparent alienation - coping with divorce
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

Grandparents who have been denied access to their grandchildren experience tremendous heartache.

A grandmother who recently discovered the concept of PAS shared “My grandchildren are my heart beat. I can not imagine my life without them.”

Several days later she was still distraught at what some grandparents must experience because they are unable to love on their babies after a divorce in their family.

The heartache of some grandparents is clearly revealed in their responses in describing the separation from their grandchildren:

A devoted and loving grandmother shares her experience of alienation and the impact this has had on her granddaughters. In two words: “Heart-wrenching!”

Other grandparents share in her sentiment responding with:

“Each day that passes without them I feel that a part of me dies.”

“Missing my youngest granddaughter…..hopefully when she is 18-yrs-old or even sooner she will come looking for us. it is like a piece of my heart is gone…..like a big puzzle piece that has to be fit in to complete my heart…..”

A grandparent describes the intense emotional pain after losing contact with her toddler who lived with them since birth: “I miss him dearly. It feels like my heart has been taken away. I am now waiting to see if mediation will take place and it’s the waiting that is killing me (after waiting several months)”.

Grandparents describing their newly started court battle to see their granddaughters: “This is the worse emptiness I have ever felt in my life.”

An emotional plea after 6 months of alienation from their 12-year-old grandchild (a part of their lie since his birth): “SOMEONE HELP…I’M HURTING.”

A simple yet poignant and sad response: “Heart aching-literally!”

coping with divorce and grandparent alienation
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

Of all the emotions grandparents may experience one of the worst might be frustration.

Frustration stems from situations in which there is no control. Grandparents may be working very hard and with the best intentions to no avail. This is clearly demonstrated in their responses:

“Not being able to see or talk to my Grandson….”

 “Not being able to see the grandchildren.”

“Not knowing.”

 

“Having my three grandchildren ripped from my life seven years ago.”

 “Not even being able to see a picture of them!”

“Knowing that they live close by and not seeing them. Knowing their other grandmother lives farther away and sees them almost everyday.”

A grandparent reaches out to make policy changes: “Please, let’s get this changed. I need my grand kids like they need us. Let’s get something done.”

Grandparent alieantion
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

As in many cases of parental alienation syndrome there is a consistent theme of bias and unfairness. These grandparents share how this impacts them and their grandchild:

“The injustice of it all 🙁 Having loved and to have been loved in such a special way only to have it all torn away!!”

 “Our grandchildren do not deserve this. It is not their fault.”

 Grandparents fighting to see their young grandson: “We are devastated. We were a huge part of his life. I don’t understand why mothers do this to their children. It’s so unfair to the children. The mother is not putting the child’s best interest first. The mom is angry. The mom does not get along with the dad. Has nothing to do with grandparents! Now she is brain washing him to be afraid of us. We treated her as if she was our daughter. It’s so devastating.”

grandparent alienation and grandparent rights
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

In divorce and separation, the holidays can be difficult.

Family dynamics shift. Sharing birthdays and spending time together as a family may be complicated or not even possible. For some grandparents this is an especially emotional time of the year:

“The terrible tragedy is that the grandchildren have been robbed of a relationship with their grandparents. The harm is done and you can’t go back and make up time for the years missed. Everyone suffers. My table on holidays is always missing 1. Grandparents suffer and grandchildren suffer.”

”February 14th is always a special day. For us, it’s both special, and sad. Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day, but it is also our stolen Grandson’s birthday. 8 years ago, he and his sister would not be allowed to be a part of our family any longer. ”

Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

Grandparents are fearful of being left out. They are concerned and deeply saddened at what is said about them to their grandchildren:

“No communication and knowing they are being told we don’t love them anymore.”

“Having a 20 month old grandson and have never been able to see him. I’ve missed so much already it just breaks my heart.”

“I dread to even being to think what my grandsons have been told.”

“The living hell of wondering if they even know about me. I only saw me oldest twice. , my youngest grandchildren, I have never met”

 “How will my grandchildren learn about being a family if all they see is arguing and fighting and being taken away from the two people who genuinely love them.”

Grandparent alienation
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

An arching theme of alienation is that there are no winners. No one comes out ahead. Ultimately, the tragedy of alienation falls on the child.

Grandparents of alienation are put in the unfortunate position of dealing with their own grief and knowing their grandchildren are experiencing tremendous emotional pain:

“We’ve missed a year and a half of growth and connection. I will never let it go.”

 “I miss my grand babies more than anything! It’s so cruel to keep kids from their grandparents!”

 “The damage this is doing to our grandchildren.”

“Knowing my grandchildren are hurting, and being blocked from helping them.”

 “Kids ripped from the home they know is safe and sure with a roof and warm bed. My heart is so…hurt. Tears and anxiety won’t stop.”

Final Thoughts

The devastation and utter despair of these grandparents is undeniable. Grandparents across the globe are experiencing heartache and frustration due to the trickle down effect of divorce and conflict among parents in the midst of separation:

Referring to grandparents who keep their grandchild from the now ex-in-law parent: “Grandparent alienation is not natural or healthy no matter which generation is the perpetrator.” 

“New at taking legal action to see their grandchildren “but all I want to do is see their happy faces. I have never hated someone so much in my life.” 

“Grandparent alienators need to love their child more than they hate their parents.”

“The most heart wrenching thing to witness is a grandchild being torn in half! But they will grow up, and that parent will reap what they sow.”

“Grandparent alienators are serial killers of the soul.”

“The pain—Never completely goes away.”

Do you have words you would like to share describing the impact divorce has had on you or your family? Share your confession at: MyConfession@SharedParentingConfessional.com

ABOUT RUTH

Ruth is a Certified Family Life Educator and advocate for SharedParenting.  She works in the arena of Shared Parenting focusing on the parent/child relationship in the divorce process.

Ruth actively participates in establishing equal parenting in custody and divorce. She has authored several articles on divorce, Family Court and Shared Parenting and is a contributor at the Huffington Post. She manages 3 sites directed toward the shared parenting arena and created a survey evaluating parents’ experience in Family Court.

LIKE on: Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional

Research and information offered to enhance the parent-child relationship.    SharedParentingInfo.com

 

 

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Boosting Children’s Self-Esteem in Divorce

Boosting Children’s Self-Esteem in Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce affects children in many ways, including changes in their lifestyles and schedules.

It can also impact their self-esteem, especially if the youngsters felt they were the cause of their parents’ separation. Reassure them that they are not to blame.

Talk to your kids and correct any misconceptions tied to divorce such as, “If I was better, my parents would still be together.” Discover the root cause of a lower self-esteem in order to know how to help.

After my parents’ divorce as a small child, my self-esteem dipped.

Although this coincided with the divorce, it was not related. My father found out it was because I was one of the last to be picked for a team in physical education class, due to my poor batting skills. On Sunday afternoons, my father had me practice both hitting and catching a baseball. With this vast improvement, I was wanted for teams and my self-esteem got back to normal.

A key way to boost self-esteem is by giving children opportunities to build up their strengths and talents. If they are athletic, sign them up for sports. If artsy, then for classes. When children become proficient in their hobby, new skill or interest, this increases confidence. Confidence in one area spills over into others and raises their self-esteem.

Having a healthy self-esteem comes from within and is not dependent upon a cheering squad to pile on compliments. The trick is to help the child feel good about themselves and not be reliant upon others to give them validation.

My sons increased their feeling of self-worth by volunteering. Both helped out at an animal rescue charity. If a kid is feeling unlovable, giving back to others will change this gloomy outlook. My boys felt appreciated by both the affectionate animals and other volunteers. Volunteering enables them to feel that they have some power to make a difference in the world.

There is a trend to boost self-esteem by telling each child that they are “special.” There are seven billion people in the world, so I make it a point to inform my sons that they are NOT special.

Merriam Webster dictionary’s definition of special is “distinguished by some unusual quality” which is more in line with Winston Churchill, Mother Teresa and David Bowie. Each person has talents and characteristics which are unique, same as fingerprints are unique.

The new generation of “special” teens and twenties is becoming a nightmare in the workplace, which is the topic of conversations between my sons and their friends.

These special people do not want to clean the loo, take out the trash or do menial chores that are perceived beneath them. They do not handle feedback or job evaluations well either, since they were bombarded with praise as kids.

It is a rude awakening for these “special” young people later in life, that the world does not owe them anything. Special implies special treatment, often with a sense of entitlement. I witness this over and over in the schools. A teacher told me that the children who are told they are special, are the ones who baulk at doing classroom chores. Another said youngsters can get used to receiving “unspecified praise.” Instead, praise them after a hard-earned accomplishment, as in winning a regional championship or a well-done performance.

Nurture your children during divorce with cuddles and attention. Do family activities together and have fun. Children feel more secure and know what to expect when boundaries are clear.

Our job as parents is to help kids feel good about themselves without a sense of entitlement and to respect others.

Ask kids periodically how they are feeling and if there are any issues. If you are sensing that their self-esteem is low or they are not adjusting to your divorce, consider having them see a child coach or therapist to help set them on the right path.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Divorce, Child Psychology and your Family Mediation Process

Published on
una-archer
Una Archer Child Psychologist
Louis Whitney
Louisa Whitney Family Mediator

This article looks at how using child psychologists along side the mediation process can help parents to achieve the best possible outcomes for their children when they separate.

Separation is a hard process for an adult to go through – especially where it comes unexpectedly.

Being able to look after your own well being and equipping yourself to make important decisions can be too much for some adults to manage at times.

Trying to help children make sense of the change and their relationship with both parents is something many parents can struggle to manage. In the same way that clients need expert help to make the right decisions about financial matters, they can also need expert help to assist them in supporting their children during this transition.

When a couple start to look at how they will resolve issues relating to money, children and possessions, a sticking point in making arrangements can often be differing views about children.

The two parties may have different perceptions about how their child, or children, are coping with the separation.

They may feel that different arrangements would work best. They may even have fundamental differences about the way that they parent their children. In some cases these differences have been a contributing factor in the breakdown of the relationship.

Whatever the issues it’s important to remember that children experience the same relationship breakdown as their parents.

Children are half of each parent, and it hurts them when they hear their parents making rude comments to or about each other – or becoming angry with each other.

As Resolution members are aware, in recent studies (publicised as part of DR week) one of the greatest frustration of children and young people was not being heard during their parents’ separation – and not having what was happening explained to them.

A child psychologist can help parents to become more in tune with the needs of their children during this difficult time.

your Family Mediation Process This article explains how using the services of a child psychologist, along side parents attending mediation to find a resolution, can be most useful. This may, or may not, be coupled with parents seeing solicitors to obtain advice during the mediation process.

It can take time following a separation for parties to feel able to start thinking about what happens next.

It is not unusual for one party to feel they have come to terms with the relationship breakdown more quickly and to want to focus on the next steps, whilst the other party is still struggling to process what has happened.

It is important that both parties work at a pace that they can both work within.

A mediator will be mindful of this and incorporate this into the process and timetable. Parties can see a mediator as soon as they feel able to talk about the situation.

A mediator will usually start with an individual meeting with each party. In that meeting they will explain how mediation works and the different ways in which you can move forward. Assuming mediation is a suitable process, the parties can then move to having joint meetings – although they may leave a period of time before the first meeting, to enable them to either gather information together, or to feel more able to deal with the joint sessions.

Sometimes the parties are not able to make progress in mediation because they are overwhelmed by their emotions.

Una explains that the parties may feel scared or threatened. This does not mean that either party is threatening the other; just that they find the situation they are in threatening.

Having to contemplate more formal arrangements to parent their children, trying to ascertain whether the children will be safe to stay with their ex, feeling overwhelmed by the thought that this will adversely affect their children for life – any one of those concerns can seriously undermine their sense of security and trigger a “fight, flight or freeze” response.

This response initiates quick action for the best chance of survival in situations that are perceived as dangerous. It can vary in its strength. If the reaction is mild the client may look anxious, on the edge, or distant or withdrawn.

Here are a few suggestions that might help to defuse it within the mediation session:

  • Slow down
  • Repeat, or ask both parties to repeat what has just been said
  • Acknowledge what is happening: ‘This is a very sensitive issue and talking about it may be hard. We will go at the pace you are feel comfortable with’
  • Have a comfort break
  • Reduce the amount of documents on the desk

Here a few examples of a stronger ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response:

  • Experiencing strong immediate reactions where there is no space for dialogue or compromise
  • Refusing to deal with or acknowledge the situation such as ignoring phone calls, emails, or not being prepared to discuss issues in any way.
  • A person freezes and is unable to take in information or process issues and make decisions.

Where one or both parties experience this reaction, it can make it difficult for mediation to continue – or for there to be constructive dialogue about the issues.

A child psychologist can be helpful in assisting clients with resolving this reaction by:

  • Helping the party or parties to re-engage with their ability to regulate their emotions, reflect and examine the issue from different perspectives and be flexible, creative and empathetic.
  • Helping parents to understand what their children need to adjust to their particular situation. Narrowing the focus to just a few key areas can reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed and provide the parents with the comfort of knowing they can help their children.
  • Creating a clear action plan to enable parents to be more present with their children.

This, in turn, enables them to return to mediation and to make progress with shaping the resolution that they think will serve them, and their children, best going forwards.

your family mediation processA child psychologist can also work with parents in the later stages when they are looking to implement the plan that they have put together in mediation.

This might be once they have physically separated and moved into separate houses and are now sharing care of their children.

It can be a huge transition for all involved to live as two separate households and to implement a plan that was only theory when it was discussed in mediation.

A newly separated parent can feel exposed and uncertain in some areas of parenting.

There might be situations that an ex partner used to deal with that a parent now has to tackle themselves. Una has a more positive outlook on this as a chance to take stock of what is happening in their relationship with their child at that moment. Having the opportunity to invest time and energy into creating a really solid relationship with their child, that they are both happy with, can be a life defining journey that can enhance their bond forever.

A child psychologist can help parents to develop a clear understanding of what their child needs from them and how they can meet those needs. It can also assist parents in helping their child (or children) to:

  • Trust they can share their thoughts and feelings with their parents
  • Feel comfortable in their own skin – understood, accepted, important, safe and loved
  • Have lasting friendships
  • Enjoy and fully engage in their learning – whatever their interests are

This gives them confidence in their role as a parent – in a way that they may not have had during the marriage. How often do parents feel “I’m not good enough” or that “my child is asking for more than I can give”?

It also empowers parents to rewire patterns that may have existed in their family for generations.

Those patterns influence their unspoken agreements about how much affection, support, acceptance, space, and respect one can expect in a relationship.

By working with a child psychologist the party, or parties, can work out what relationship they, as a parent, will have with their child going forwards and how they can bring it to life and make it their everyday reality.

This enables families to move forward to a new chapter where they will be living separately but still working individually and together to make sure their children are happy, healthy and thriving.

About Una and Louisa

Una Archer MBPsS is a child psychologist helping divorcing parents to soften the impact of their separation on their children.

She works to help parents understand what they need to do so that their children feel just as loved, secure and comfortable in their own skin as they did before the separation – and sometimes even more so.

Louisa Whitney practised as a family law solicitor for approximately 10 years before also qualifying as a family mediator.

Three years ago she set up her own mediation practice in Surrey and now works as a family mediator full time.

She is passionate about helping separating couples find a resolution that’s tailor made to them and their family.  For more information about her mediation practice visitwww.lkwfamilymediation.co.uk

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I’m Getting Divorced: How to Help Children Cope with Divorce and Separation

Published on
Clayton Miller
Clayton Miller
Founding Member Partner KMJ Solicitors

If you’re thinking of getting divorced, you’re not not alone.

With 42% of UK marriages ending in divorce, the UK has the highest divorce rate in Europe. Unfortunately, a high percentage of these divorces involve more than two people.

If you’re leaving your marriage and wondering what this means for your children, here’s a rundown of how to help your child cope, and what it means for their future.

Younger Children can Experience Greater Issues from Separation

The time between a child’s birth and when they turn six years old is crucial in terms of development.

During these years, it’s important that a child has contact with the people with whom he or she has formed a bond, usually the child’s parents.

If this relationship is disturbed, disrupted or removed entirely, it can cause problems later in life, such as an inability to form healthy and enduring romantic or personal relationships, or the lack of motivation to study and work.

There is probably no battle more destructive to a child than the battle over the time a child spends with both parents. While mediators and solicitors in family law can help to some extent, it is often hard for them to judge what is best for the child.

If the case is taken to court and it falls to the ruling of a judge, the decision may overly favour the father or the mother. If an amicable divorce is at all possible and parents can put aside their personal battles for the sake of their children, then often the child is far better off than losing most or all contact with one of their caregivers.

This being said, while divorce can be upsetting for children, researchers agree that a split is better for children in the long run than an unhappy marriage.

Children and Teenagers Require Different Treatment in Divorce

In studies on the development of children up until the age of six, research on the effects of separation on young children confirms that children can be harmed emotionally when separated from the parent with whom they have the primary attachment.

Help Children Cope with Divorce and SeparationWhen separated, the child often becomes anxious or distressed — the beginnings of what can become, for a small percentage of children, far more serious emotional problems in their adult life.

While a younger child can respond to a divorce by trying to get their parents back together, a common response among teenagers is to try and get back at the parents. Where a young child feels sadness, the adolescent manifests feelings of anger. A divorce can drive even more of a wedge between a teenager and their family than they already feel, and compel them further to break away.

Advice from a psychologist is to take advantage of the adolescent’s self-interest by giving them more responsibility, therefore giving them the feeling of the family relying on them, which counteracts the feeling of increased separation and independence from the family unit.

For younger children, it is important to observe and practice the 3 Rs to restore a child’s trust in the security of their family: Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance.

Divorce can Actually be Beneficial to Children

In this article in the Huffington Post, adults talk about the effect their parents’ divorce had on them, either as children or adults. Some of the most harmful things parents can do to their children in a divorce are badmouthing the other parent in front of the child and trying to get their children to choose a side.

However, some also said they felt a sense of relief after their parents divorced, and were happy to see their parents begin to thrive on their own.

In a 2002 study by Mavis Hetherington, it was found that many children experience anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief as some common short-term negative effects from divorce. After a year or two, however, these side-effects have reduced or completely disappeared, and it is only in a minority of cases that the negative after-effects of divorce continue long-term.

Handled well, the negative effects of divorce discussed above can in time fade, as opposed to causing the long-term damage that is also a risk.

If there has been a lot of conflict before and during a divorce, there is little doubt from researchers that divorce is beneficial for children. In a 1985 study, Hetherington found that a high level of conflict before the split can help children to adjust to the split itself.

By contrast, when the conflict before a divorce is much less, the child is more unprepared and therefore might find it harder to adjust. If the child is from a high-discord family, then the divorce may be a welcome relief from their parents’ fighting.

What Difference can a Good Divorce Lawyer Make?

The right divorce lawyer can make all the difference in a divorce, whether you’re faced with a battle over the children, a disagreement over assets, or even an amicable but unsure divorce where you’re not sure how to proceed.

Divorce lawyers will have handled many cases involving children, so it’s important to find one that suits the needs of you and your children.

If you’re based in London, for instance, make sure you hunt through the best divorce lawyers in London until you find the right one, rather than settling. A good divorce lawyer in London will be able to advise on separation of assets, as well as how to divide childcare between two households instead of one.

The best divorce lawyers in London, or in other parts of the UK, will also be able to advise on foreign marriages if one partner wishes to move away.

In such situations, complications can arise about how to handle childcare, as courts can be reluctant to sanction relocation to another country with a child. This reluctance can seriously impact their relationship with the parent in the original country.

Whatever the situation, whether you’re considering or undergoing a divorce, an experienced solicitor for your divorce can make not only your life much easier but also the lives of your children.

About Clayton

Clayton Miller is a founding member partner of KMJ Solicitors, a highly sought-after family law firm in London.

Legal 500 describe Clayton as being especially able to “assimilate and master the details of complex financial cases and keep on top of them”.

Clayton is dual qualified in both Australia and the UK and is a member of the dual-qualified Family Lawyers and International Bar Association. He has over fifteen years of experience as a family law specialist, including divorce and separation as well as offshore trusts, prenuptial agreements and cohabitation law.

 

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coping and dealing with divorce

Children Coping and Dealing with Divorce – 10 Ways to Help your Kids Cope

Published on
Lauren Alicia
Author Lauren Alicia

Author Lauren Alicia gives some expert advice on how to support your children throughout your divorce, from the perspective of the kids themselves:

  1. Let us know that you both needed to do what was best for you, right now. One of the most common phrases for kids of divorce to hear, often never leads to any answers or healing, “It’s not your fault (that we are getting a divorce).” Sometimes the reason behind this is…we never thought it was our fault, so in throwing that out there, it can add to the confusion. Our relationship with you never ends, help us understand in some way that this decision is for the best, even if it doesn’t look like it right now.
  1. Encourage us to be honest about how we really feel. Take your ego out of the conversation, allowing our healing from divorce to be about us. Your healing is yours; ours is ours. Sometimes we don’t heal because we are afraid to be honest about the truth. When I finally began to process my parents’ divorce, my honesty (no filter) helped me understand what I had already lived through, and gain wisdom versus continuing in bitterness from ignoring the truth/acting like I wasn’t hurt and/or influenced in some way.
  1. You haven’t failed because we need to be healed by something you both decided for our family.Give us time, and teach us about (eventually) appreciating our circumstances.
  1. Understand that we are all rebuilding— in a place that we never imagined would need restructuring. While you can get another mate, my dad will always be my dad and my mom will always be my mom, no matter who gets added to our family.
  1. Our relationship in this new space needs more effort. We don’t need to feel like we’re the only ones trying to maintain the connection we were accustomed to.
  1. Don’t sugar coat or fake the funk… because parents are our first example of what a relationship looks like. Statistics tend to not give kids of divorce a fair shake. Deciding that a high percentage of us will always have relationship issues. When in reality, it is not the relationship part we have issues with… it is the whole not being healed from “whatever” before we enter relationships.
  1. Don’t be the reason we turn to daddy/mommy issue dating. I say that with all seriousness. Make sure we don’t feel like we lack your love, compassion, provision or anything else that we’ve always counted on, and decide to go searching for it in a mate… Regardless of how much we may remind you of each other, good or bad, remind us that divorce does not change our DNA.
  1. Let us know that we can’t change people. In my healing process, I wrote letters to my experiences, not to the people involved. One of the best ways in being able to move forward was looking at what I could change. I gained so much perspective and understanding when I was able to uncover my relationship /feelings about divorce, truth, love, etc.
  1. Give us hope. Not hope that you will get back together… but hope that all marriages don’t end in divorce, that we can have healthy relationships, that both of you can be in the same room, etc.
  1. Some say families can never be broken… Make sure we feel that and not just hear it!

++Bonus: It is OKAY if your kids HATE divorce!! And it is OKAY if they don’t!! We appreciate knowing that we have a choice.

About Lauren

Lauren Alicia (Michigan native) is the author of “Dear Divorce, Thank You (Even Though I Hate You) Sincerely, My Parents’ Grown Kid: A Journey Of Hate, Healing And Understanding.”

Alicia is a Parsons the New School for Design graduate, business/design enthusiast, blogger and collaborator, allowing her experiences to evolve into the reality she always imagined.

Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram for more updates.

Article by Lauren Alicia for Deardivorcethankyou.com

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family mediation case study

Family Mediation – A Case Study

Published on
Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

A dispute between a couple who divorced five years ago but where there have been ongoing difficulties between them

Frankie and Johnny were married for five years during which time they had two children, John and Jane who are now aged 10 and 12.

Initially they were very happy but five years ago a combination of economic and social factors, coupled with Frankie’s strong but incorrect suspicions that her husband was being unfaithful resulted in a very acrimonious divorce.

Although at that time their solicitors gave them balanced, sensible advice they fought bitterly over a range of financial issues.

They also argued extensively about how often they should each be able to spend time with John and Jane. Outwardly at least they resolved these issues. However, this was partly because they were both emotionally drained and partly because they had run up very large legal bills and just wanted to get things over and done with.

Although Frankie and Johnny were in principle prepared to work within the framework that their divorce settlement provided, they had not managed to resolve any of their personal differences and to date there has been a lot of ill disguised resentment on both sides.

This is particularly true of Johnny who had reluctantly agreed to sign the family home over to Frankie and now has to live in unsatisfactory and quite costly rented accommodation.

Because the children live with Frankie and only stay with him at weekends, he feels that his ex-wife is calling all the shots and that he is little more than what he terms “a meal provider”.

Frankie is not prepared to be at all flexible, interprets the settlement provisions about Johnny’s contact with the children very literally and repeatedly makes hurtful remarks to him.

Johnny retaliates by badmouthing Frankie in front of John and Jane even though it upsets them and is invariably late in making maintenance payments.

Each and every time they meet, Frankie and Johnny row, often in public or in front of the children. Frankie’s mother, Daphne, who has never liked Johnny and whom he considers to be an interfering busybody becomes involved and repeatedly criticises him in front of the children.

Recently, two or three mutual friends in whom Frankie and Johnny have both confided decided that enough was enough and strongly suggested that they go to family mediation.

family mediation case study
Family Mediation – A Case Study

Ostensibly, the purpose of the mediation is for them to revisit the question of how often Johnny sees John and Jane and to consider John’s stated wish that he has more say in his children’s upbringing, particularly their education.

Subsequently, in the process of initially speaking to Frankie and Johnny individually to see whether mediation is appropriate, it becomes apparent to the mediator, Angela, that although at first glance the original divorce settlement appears to have been quite sensible, in reality there are lots of unresolved issues. She initially suggests four sessions but because a lot of progress is made matters are resolved in three.

During their first session, Frankie and Johnny barely speak to one another.

However, once they have grasped that their mediator is not there to impose a settlement on them, they both privately concede that the other is “not all bad”. They both realise that for the first time they have the opportunity to speak to one another with facilitation from an objective, independent third party who is not a lawyer or a counsellor and is prepared to listen and to help them try to reach a settlement that they will both be comfortable with.

In subsequent sessions they are more focused. Johnny concedes that Frankie is a good mother and that it is in John and Jane’s best interests to live with her.

However, he asks her to acknowledge that he is doing his best in difficult circumstances, that he bitterly resents her suggestions of past infidelity on his part, and that his wish to play a more active role in the children’s day-to-day lives is genuine.  He also politely but very strongly suggests that Daphne stops interfering, something that in truth Frankie agrees with.

Having listened to Johnny, Frankie takes a step back. She acknowledges Johnny’s views and agrees that she will try to rein Daphne in.

The net effect is that although Frankie and Johnny do not resolve their personal differences, they agree that they have to put John and Jane first and that they have to try and be more civil with one another. Frankie agrees to be a little more flexible about access arrangements and to keep in touch with Johnny in order to discuss things such as the children’s schooling with him.

In turn Johnny agrees that unless there are any genuine difficulties he will make any required financial payments on time. Both agree that they will keep financial and other issues under review.

Frankie and Johnny liaise with their solicitors and decide not to request the court to make a consent order amending the order made at the time of their divorce. Instead with their solicitors’ help they record their revised agreement in correspondence.

The obvious benefit resulting from Frankie and Johnny going to mediation and entering into a written agreement is that John and Jane are much happier and feel much more secure.

Their parents have effectively saved themselves a good deal of anguish and upset and feel better able to get on with their lives. They have established some lines of communication and because they have to some extent accepted their own failings they are better placed to be civil to one another Their acrimonious feelings about one another do not melt away but they have at the very least agreed to disagree about such matters and they are able to put their animosities to one side.

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

[All names changed]

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