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Why Lying to Children of Divorce is a Time Bomb

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I recently spoke to a divorced dad friend of mine who lives in the States and whom I have known for over 20 years.

My discussion with him is what prompted this article because it was not the first time that I have come across lies we tell our children as we go through divorce.

He and his ex-wife divorced when their daughter was just turning 1 and from then on all contact with his child became a hellish journey comprised of last minute cancellations and changes in pre-arranged visitation dates and times as well as wasted journeys where he would be met with a no-show from ex-partner and child.

Well, one day he went over as planned and they were not home. It was the neighbour who informed him that the “the lady who lived there” had moved back to her country of origin which was in a very distant continent.

He had not been consulted, not been told and had no idea.

He eventually managed to track them down and in the last 10 years, has managed to see his daughter twice.

Last year, his now 14 year old daughter sent him an email asking if she could go live with him and his family. She explained that it was her mum’s suggestion as she had lost her job and home and was finding it difficult to look after her.

My friend and his current wife, were happy to have her, despite the fact that they too were and still are struggling financially.

So he replied to his daughter and told her this, adding that while they were making the necessary arrangements, her mother, his ex-partner, would need to write to the authorities concerned to inform them of the new arrangement so that the child maintenance cheques can stop.

Thing to understand here is that the State in which he lives does not mess about when it comes to child support. If you fail to pay a couple of times, they will come for you and you can explain the rest to the judge! So whether my friend liked it or not, child support was on thing he wasn’t about to play around with.

His daughter replied with the words, “What child support.  Mum told me you’ve never paid any child support.”

The truth is now beginning to unravel like a ball of wool. As is sometimes said, “today is the tomorrow you feared yesterday.”

Here is a child who will slowly, in one way or other, begin to understand that not everything her mum told her about her father is true.Divorce and the lies we tell our children

Forget about how this will affect the mother/daughter relationship and think about how this will affect the way this girl will begin to see her own life and the guilt she might feel for having resented or hated her father for so long for something he never did.

If her mother could lie about something so fundamental and so easy to prove untrue, what else could she have lied about to her daughter regarding her father?

My questions to you are the following:

What is the point of telling our children untruths about their other parent while going through a divorce?

How does that benefit them?

What is the point of alienating them from the other parent? Again, how does that benefit them? Do we not realise that one day, this child will grow up, that he/she will meet up with his/her alienated parent and the truth will come out?

Are we really that short-sighted?

Do we not realise that these children will grow and in time the truth will emerge?

Do we not understand that by lying to them, we are indeed planting a time bomb on our own relationship with them and when the “boom” happens, because it will, they, our children, will resent us for the longest time possible. Are we really that fatuous?

In my line of work, I have heard of lies much more serious and damaging than this.

As a parent, aren’t we supposed to make sure our children are alright no matter what that costs us?

Why do we lie to them about someone so significant in their life, someone whom they are part of?

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Divorce a Career Killer?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Recently, my ex and I along with 2 other couples appeared in The Times Magazine on divorce in your 40s.  What was interesting about this piece was that each one of the ladies had gone on to work in the area of divorce in one capacity or other.

I continue my work as a Child Therapist but eventually founded The Divorce Magazine, while Nevine Bentley went on to do law and train as a Family Mediator and Suzy Miller created a few products including The Alternative Divorce Directory.

Well, you’ve heard it said once, you’re heard it said twice and I will say it here again – divorce is like a death.

Just like a marriage and becoming a parent, you cannot plan your divorce nor know how it feels or how you will cope (or not) until you weather that storm.

When you go through divorce that’s when you get to know exactly what you are capable off, the good and the bad and the just plain ugly.

You get to see what others have been through and realise that there are indeed something things in life that are very capable of knocking you sideways and propelling you into a land that you never had any intention of visiting let alone residing in.

Yet here you are. In the land of inner pain, anger, resentment with a touch of relief and anticipation for what the future holds. A place where concentration, sleep disturbance and appetite attack are all names of avenues, street and roads.

Welcome to the land of “The Divorced Working Mum.”

20 years later and I still recall how one of my daughter’s nursery teachers came to school one Monday morning looking tired, worn out and red-eyed.

I can tell you that we all noticed because she was always the best groomed teacher of them all. As it turned out, her husband had just left her and the children (2 children under 9) that weekend. She was not the I-am-in-control teacher whom we used to see. That one had left.

Divorce a career killer?
Is your divorce steering you towards a different career?

Mrs A, let’s call her, stayed on for another couple of weeks but eventually had to leave and take a much needed break. She went to see her parents…and never came back.

So what happens when you find yourself divorced and the main carer of your children? How does that affect your career or work prospects?

For me personally, my divorce experiences steered me to working in a totally different way than I had anticipated. I had two children and no family around to help. I had to drop out of courses during divorce number one and had to quit one job during divorce number two and opt for a part-time position that was paying me not only a fraction of my previous salary but that was also mind-numbingly dull.

In the meantime, my ex-husbands, had the support and help from their work places. They could work long hours if they wanted to because they didn’t have to get home in time to pick up their children from school and look after them.

They were encouraged to take time off if they needed to and they both chose not to opting instead to keep busy, as busy as they could.

But without taking that break and accepting that help, they both ended up burned out and with great difficulty performing at work. Both eventually changed jobs. They too, were steered into another direction by their painful experiences of divorce.

I recently read this quote in Oprah Magazine, an article by Martha Beck:

“If you’ve had a run of horrible luck, you can tell yourself you’re being tortured or punished. Or you can decide you’re being steered.”

So did my two divorces kill my career?

That’s the story I held for a long time. That’s the belief that I carried with me for a long while until one day, I realised that, the divorces shifted me to where I am today, doing what I love.

Remember that mind-numbingly dull job I ended up in? Well if it wasn’t for that job and it’s dreariness, I wouldn’t have taken the huge risk of resigning and working for myself.  I had to do something.  I just couldn’t stay there.

I am now working with children and families affected by divorce, trauma and loss and I am pursing my other love and passion, which is writing. I work for myself. I control my days and hours. That is what has worked for my children and I.

So is divorce a career killer?  Will it be yours?

Divorce will affect the way you work and perform, at least initially.

As already mentioned, there are many parts of your inner world and being that no longer function as you knew them to namely your concentration which can be affected by your emotions which are affected by your thoughts which then play a role in determining your actions.

The one piece of advice I could give anyone going through divorce to do is to take time off.  Do ask for help and take it and accept it when it is offered.  Ok, that’s more than one but they are all important.

Only when you take care of yourself will you be able to see things clearly as you will be creating the space to do so. This is no time to be warrior woman or warrior man.

If you are employed then speak with your boss, let someone in the office know what is going on in your personal life. If you are now the main carer of your children, find out what work options there are for you.

Divorce encourages you to reassess your current situation to find and discover very creative ways to get time with your children, earn some money and look after yourself.

It’s not easy. We love spending time with our little ones but bills need to be paid.

But here you are. The change has come. You are being steered. Which way will you go? What will you do? What can you do? Know your options and take it from there.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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coping with divorce
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Coping with Divorce from the Start

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

So divorce has come knocking at your door and has finally come in.

If you’re certain that this is what you want then read on.  Coping with divorce from the start can help reduce much of the pain, hurt and stress that comes with dealing with divorce and the whole divorce process.

There are fights and arguments so terrible that you feel like you will never forgive this person.

You cannot believer the words that are coming out of his mouth and you cannot believe that she could be so vulgar and nasty!

There are financial issues so huge that you believe you will never overcome them.

Your level of mistrust is high, and for probably for good reason, so you need to be vigilant and aware that right now, it’s every man for himself.  You don’t want to be cheated off anything that is rightfully yours and neither does your partner.

That’s what divorce is about – but it doesn’t have to remain that way from here onwards.

You will need to start putting some things into place to make sure that this divorce doesn’t totally overwhelm you and your children.

As Maya Angelou put it:

Nothing works unless you do.

So here are some tips to help you through this time and beyond.  Just keep them in mind as you go:

  • The divorce is not you. Avoid looking at the divorce as part of you. Instead look at it as something that is happening outside of you. Don’t attach yourself to it despite all the emotions and pain. Look at it from the outside in.
  • Your partner’s determination to hurt you is part of the process, unfortunately so don’t take it personally. People fight back when “attacked.” You are fighting back too. If you can learn to accept that your partner is reacting in a way that is normal given the circumstances then you learn how not to take it personally which in turn helps with dealing with the journey with less hurt and malice and do so instead in a more practical way.
  • Moving on from Divorce
    Shelley Whitehead – one of the best divorce coaches I know.

    Accept what is going on. It is happening and there is no turning back. This helps deal with the whole thing more objectively and practically. It is what it is.

  • Accept and acknowledge that you too played a role in the break-up of your marriage. You absolutely need to accept this because if you don’t then you will very, very likely repeat the same mistakes that you in the your next relationship and the next and the next.  There’s power in being self-aware.
  • Always, always, always make sure that the children are as all right as possible. If you’re finding it hard to cope then get someone to help you along the way; a friend, relative or a good and reputable divorce coach like the wonderful Shelley Whitehead.
  • You have to decide to get better. You need to have that determination that you will get over this without believing that “getting over this” equates jumping into the next relationship as fast and as quick as possible. Get over this while single, work on yourself, know and understand why this marriage ended and how you helped it get there.
  • Don’t go out there like a warrior.  If you’re hurting, hurt away.  If you want to cry and lock yourself in a world where no one else can enter – apart from the children – then do so.  Feel those emotions, go through them as much as you need but don’t stay with them for the rest of your life. Deal, feel and move on.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Getting A Divorce? Then Prepare Yourself for the Ride.

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

If you and your partner have very recently decided to go your separate ways, the one thing I can tell you right now is that you will be all right. It may not seem like it but you will.

Having been through the process twice, I know that these next few weeks or months will be very likely shrouded in anger and hurt and accompanied by a seemingly bottomless bucket of resentment.

When getting a divorce, you will discover a side of you that you didn’t know existed such as your ability to be creative in how many ways you can hurt your ex emotionally and mentally and feel nothing.

If you’re not the one who initiated the divorce, you will find yourself a couple of steps behind your soon-to-be-ex-spouse in terms of accepting that the relationship is indeed over which will in turn hurt you or confuse you even more as you wonder, how come they are managing so well.

Well, the reason for that is that they have already done the processing while still married to you. There was a time they were where you are now.

You will do certain things believing deeply that they are in the best interest of the children like telling them that it’s really your partner’s fault that the family is breaking up and you would never do that to them.

You will discover what it means to have very long sleepless nights night after night, week after week, only to wake in the morning feeling not only exhausted but also even more determined to get your ex.

If you’re going through solicitors, you will at some point, confuse them for a therapist and pour your heart out to them not caring that you’re then, at that moment, paying them for a service they are not qualified to handle.

getting a divorce
Friends will fall away

If you have lived for months in denial that this day will come, accepting that it’s here, that it is what it is, feels impossible to do. You go through moments of thinking, “I’m sure I can rescue this,” only to realise that you can’t which immediately makes you jump back on the ever rotating wheel of very powerful negative emotions.

When it comes to the children, you swear that you will get full custody of them because suddenly, in the space of what seems like 24 hours, your soon-to-be ex has become the most incompetent parent you have ever seen! Even when someone explains to you that there is no such thing as full custody in the UK, you believe deeply that that is not fair and you will change the law if need be to “protect your children.”

When it comes to friends and relatives, you prefer to consult with the ones who will not only listen attentively to everything you say, but that they also back you up so much that they don’t realise that they are only fanning the flames of your anger, hurt and resentment. Who wants to speak with the objective, sensible ones?

This is war and you don’t have the time to be either logical, practical nor fair because as far as you’re concerned at this time, those are all characteristics of a loser.

Also watch how friends will fall away especially the ones whom you believed would be there for you. When this happens, don’t worry too much about it, you will deal with it later on down the line, for now, just know that they would have fallen away anyway at a later date in time divorce or not.

You’re probably beginning to think about all the meaningless sex you’re going to have with everyone and everybody because you haven’t had it for such a long time.

You begin to hope that the guy who works on second floor will finally ask you out because now you can say yes, skip dinner, coffee and straight to his.  Or you start planning how you will finally get to tell Susanna in Planning Department how much you’re hurting in the hope that she will take you home and look after you.

If you have recently decided to separate, you will be going through this and a whole other lot of emotions including fear, shock and a whole lot of loss of actual memory, which is quickly replaced by a whole lot of selective memory.

The next few weeks, months or even couple of years will not be easy but I promise you that you will get through this tunnel.

Divorce, unfortunately for some of us, is truly part of our life’s journey. You’re going through it now but it doesn’t need to define who you are just like being laid off work, which also brings on fear, shock and a sense of loss, doesn’t define who you are for the rest of your life.

You will find love again.

You will laugh again.

Your children will be fine again.

And your life will go on again.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

You might be interested in

should I get divorced
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Should I get Divorced?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Should I get divorced?

For those of us who are divorced, it’s very likely that that question escaped your lips at some point or other.

Having been divorced twice and founding The Divorce Magazine, it is not unusual for people to ask me if they should remain in their current relationships or if they should leave and file for a divorce.

My answer is usually the same – it’s not a decision that I nor anyone else can make for you.

Having said this, I believe that you should do everything you can to try and make your marriage or relationship work.  Don’t leave any stone unturned, especially if you have children.

Thinking of couple therapy as a means to reconcile is one way of looking at it but in reality it can work both ways.  It can serve to help you and your partner work things through but it can also help you and/or your partner realise that leaving is what you really want and prepare you for this process.

So, please, before you file for divorce, here are some things that you may want to ask yourself or to consider:

  • Are you leaving due to anger and hurt?  If you are then you still have unfinished emotional issues that you will need to work through.  We very, very rarely think things through rationally when we are angry and hurt.  How can you deal with these feelings right now?  Simply by providing yourself with adequate and objective support – surround yourself with someone or people whom you can trust to keep you in mind and not play a part in fanning the flames of your anger.

One lady I know, whose husband cheated on her is still carrying the feelings of anger and betrayal 6/7 years later.  This then means that she makes it next to impossible for him to spend time with their son hence playing a role, inadvertently perhaps, of disrupting and interrupting a very dear part of her child’s life.

  • Do you still love your partner?  If so, then is this really the way you want to go right now?  Have you looked at all the options available to help you work things through?  In my work with children and families of divorce, I have come across couples who after a period of separation, have come to the realisation that they want to remain together. Have you considered this option?  What about couple’s therapy.
  • Are you unsure that this is the right way to go – do you have any doubts?  It has often been said that any doubt means
    Should I get a divorce
    Do you have any doubts

    no. Sometimes stepping back and looking at your marriage or relationship from a different perspective may help. Remember what your marriage was like when it worked?  Is what you are leaving over, worth the permanent breakup of your marriage or relationship?  What role are you or have you played in getting your relationship to where it is now? What “complaints” does your partner make about you?  Are they in any way legitimate?  Where are the origins of your doubt?

  • Are you ready to create a new way of life for you and your children?  Divorce and separation means that you no longer live with your partner.  Are you ready to get into a co-parenting relationship where your children share their time between two households in a way that will be conducive to your children’s wellbeing and development?
  • How would you feel when, not if,  your partner starts a new relationship?  Would you be ok with it or would you want to murder both of them preferably at the same time?  What would it mean for you to have your child be part of another person’s life?

A very dear friend of mine, who initiated their divorce once found herself literally hiding behind a bush, watching as her ex-husband, their son and new partner were having a picnic one summer.  It wasn’t that she wanted him back, it was that her son, her only child, was now part of another family unit.

Divorce can be hard.  So before you go down that route make sure you know all that you need to know.  Do your research, know all that you need to know.  Plan and prepare yourself legally for the divorce and for the tough emotional, mental and physical exhaustion that accompanies this process.

Don’t do it unless your sure.  Are you sure this is the way to go for you?  Only you can answer that question.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

You might be interested in

Tips on Co-parenting over Christmas – Part 1

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

If you are reading this, then chances are that this is your first Christmas as a divorced or separated parent and co-parenting, as it stands can be quite tricky at the best of times.

Here are some tips that will help in co-parenting over Christmas:

  • Make the arrangements together, i.e. you and your ex, whenever possible. Whatever plans you have for your little ones, let the other person know.  It makes it easier, not only you, but more importantly for the children because they will know what is happening when, where and how.  This gives them a sense of security.
  • You both can have a celebration with your children during the time that they are with you.  What do I mean by this?  Well, if the children are with you on Christmas day for example, it’s easy for you to do all the Christmasy stuff that you usually do or create your your own Christmas rituals if need be.  If, on the other hand, you are the parent who isn’t with the children on the 25th, then you can still do the Christmasy things.  I don’t think there are any Christmas police out there…yet:-)
  • Do respect the time that your ex has with the children.  That is their time and you will have  your time. Don’t call them every 5 minutes to make sure that all is well or ask how the children are doing as this may just cause a lot of unnecessary  frustration and bother for you both.
  • This is really not the time to introduce your new partner.  Holidays are usually emotional anyway, divorce increases that emotions then to add a new partner to the mix might work for you but not for your children.  Do chose another time.
  • Realise that they will miss the other parent and might actually be concerned about the parent “left behind”.  You might find that your children want to call mummy/daddy over the holidays for whatever reason and it’s good to realise that it’s not about you, but about them and their emotions.  Let them call.

Holidays are here to stay and so is your divorce – understand that, accept that and allow your children to have fun, relax and enjoy.

Warm hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

You might be interested in

Children of Divorce Coping with Divorce

Children of Divorce Coping with Divorce

Published on
Children of Divorce Coping with Divorce
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

For children of divorce coping with divorce can be a long, long journey in terms of accepting the new family situation.

It is really very common that children try and bring the parents back together after a divorce or separation especially for those aged under 10 years.

It is their way of repairing their world and bringing it back to the way they knew it – familiarity brings on security.

They can be very creative in ways of doing this.  They can, for example, create situations where the parents end up spending extra time together.

I know a child who would send lovely text messages from the dad’s phone to mum’s and she was only 7 at the time while  another  would tell mummy that daddy said he loves her.

For others where a new partner comes into the picture, especially very soon after the break-up, separation or divorce, they can spend a lot of time attempting to sabotage the new relationship sometimes with success.

This is very normal but can be heartbreaking for the parents and the question I have often been asked is how to deal with this.

First of all, don’t panic.  It really is very common.

Thing is this “phase”  can last for a while and unless addressed it can cause a lot of long lasting pain and stress within the family.  The need and wish to bring the parents back together doesn’t happen one day and then they are done – it can be a sustained effort.

But here’s how you can deal with it:

  • Don’t  give them false hope that you might come back together even where this is your wish too.  I knew of a man who
    Children of Divorce Coping with Divorce
    It is really very common that children try and bring the parents back together.

    would “empathise” with his son and say things like, “I know, me too, I would like mummy and I to get back together and maybe one day it will happen.  Let’s just see how mummy gets on.”  This not only made him think that there is a possibility that the reunion will happen but also makes mummy look like the villain who is breaking and keeping the family apart.

  • Acknowledge their efforts to bringing you two back together.  When you see and realise that this is what is happening just mention it to them by saying something like, “Sweetie, I can see that you really want daddy/mummy and I to get back together.  It must be hard for you and I know that because I can see how much you are trying to bring us back together.  I promise you, it will be ok.  Mummy/daddy and I will not be getting back together but I can promise you that we still love you dearly. None of that has or will ever change.“
  • Acknowledge their need and wish to see you two back together.  If your are from “broken” home then just share with your child how you felt and that you too wished it never happened.  Let them know that you too wanted your mum and dad to get back together as much he/she wants that for you and your ex-spouse.
  • Acknowledge that their world has changed and you are sorry about this – it was never part of the plan but sometimes things happen that we didn’t plan and we need to keep moving on.  Again do let them know that you love them and add that it is not their fault in anyway.  You might have to repeat the later over and over again for a period of time.

When in doubt about how to handle this type of situation, try and see it from your child’s perspective, not always easy to do but not impossible, then you will have the correct answer.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

You might be interested in

Children of Divorce First Christmas

Children of Divorce First Christmas

Published on
Children of Divorce First Christmas
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Christmas is soon upon us and from speaking with people it seems to be very much like Marmite – you either love it or hate it.

But when you are going through a divorce or have just been through one, it can be one of the most difficult and challenging holidays you will have and for your children, one of the most confusing times too.

So here are somethings that you could do to make sure that they are all right, to make sure that they enjoy this time as much as possible.

  •  Let them know exactly what the plans are during the festive season, i.e. who they are spending the holidays with, where and how.  If they are spending time with your ex and you don’t know what the plans are for them, then let them know this too but if you can get this information for them then do so and pass it on to them.  It’s all about alleviating any anxieties and worries they may have at this time by preparing them in advance.
  • You could arrange for the children to have an “early” Christmas with the parent with whom they will not be spending their holiday time with.  They could replicate what they would have done were they to be together including opening presents etc.  Rituals are important practices to mark occasions and giving the children this time with the other parent provides them with a time to practice this ritual and with both parents too albeit at different times and different locations.
  • Not the best time to introduce a new partner.  That you are now divorced or separated and it’s their first Christmas living in this new world, will mean that your children will need time to adjust to this new life without the added complication of adjusting to a new person in their life.
  • Prepare yourself to hear that one of their wishes is to have mummy and daddy back together if only for a day and prepare yourself for them to make efforts to achieve this goal see here
  • Don’t make the children worry about you or feel guilty that they are not with you over Christmas by telling them how lonely you will be.  Look after them by telling them that you will be fine and that you have plans etc. If you don’t have plans then make some.  By all means do tell them that you will miss them not that you will be lonely without them.

If you are worried that your child is or has been affected by the divorce or separation then do contact me on +44(0)7850 85 60 66.

Warm hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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taking advantage of your divorce

Taking Advantage of your Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Of course divorce is a difficult process.  It’s more often than not shrouded in anger, animosity and resentment. Children get caught in the middle of it all and families and friends are split at times forever.

Yet despite all this, divorce has it’s benefits and advantages, whether you grab them or not is a different matter.

Divorce has its hidden treasures and gifts.

Each time I say this, I’m met with either a raise of eyebrows or a barrage of questions, some a tiny bit on the angry side. How dare I put the words treasure and divorce in the same sentence?

Well I can and I do and here’s why.

It is so very possible to use your divorce as a catalyst to reconnect with life and love.   I should know, I have been divorced twice.

Of course and as in most things, there are cases where this taking charge of your new life is terrifyingly difficult as in the cases where children and parents are separated or abducted.  I have no answer to this as I cannot imagine anything more difficult than not being with my girls.

However, where it’s a “straightforward” divorce and both parents are in contact with their children, here are 6 treasures that divorce has for you, if only you can start taking advantage of your divorce:

  • No matter how acrimonious it is or was, divorce provides you with a new life –   you can either embrace it or reject it the choice is entirely yours. You cannot live both in the past and in the present – one of them will rule and affect the other. Pick the present and you will find a whole new life and world before you, one that might be difficult in the beginning but as you continue on this new path your journey becomes easier and more fulfilling. The first step in doing this requires that you accept that your marriage is over. Really truly accepting that it’s done and that’s that and start writing your new chapter!
  • As the saying goes, “it takes two”. When a marriage ends, it’s never due to the fault of one person. It may not be equal
    Taking advantage of your Divorce
    What’s the title of this new chapter in your life? Go ahead and start writing it.

    blame but we all do play a role in the creation and breakup of relationships. If you can take responsibility for your own role in the demise of your marriage and accepting it completely, chances are that you will not repeat them in your next relationship nor in others be they platonic, business or otherwise. I have yet to meet someone who is and remains totally adamant that they had absolutely nothing at all to do with the break-up.

    Once you look at your divorce as being partly your doing, then you give your next relationship a much, much better rate of survival. There is truly a reason why the rate of divorce in second marriages is much higher than the first.

  • By knowing and understanding why you picked the person that you married then you will know what to avoid next time. The chances of getting involved with the same person albeit in a different from, will be eliminated. Are you attracted to the needy type, the controlling type or the one who is just unavailable.
  • Being able to handle what divorce throws your way and moving on means that you realise your abilities, capabilities and power and this can give you that oomph you need to venture out there and try new things because you can do it! And should divorce come knocking on your door again, you know that you will be fine.
  • When you realise all these things, the biggest and best thing that happens is that you learn to listen to yourself again. Your instinct shines through because you have taken the time to work through the divorce and it’s repercussions, discarding what you want and keeping a hold of what works for you. You have made and created space for this to happen and this gut feeling, this instinct, whatever it is that you want to call it, never means you any harm.

As Maya Angelou so aptly put it, “Nothing works unless you do.”

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@parentinglives.co.uk

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Divorce is not a License to Destroy

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Amicable divorces are not the norm but this doesn’t mean that life after divorce need be one that’s burdened with the same emotions that you carried through the process.

Moving on from a breakup or moving on from divorce doesn’t mean you have to destroy to feel whole again.

Judging by the emails we receive from time to time, long running anger and resentment is pretty common even after several years of living and being apart.

Couples long divorced who won’t attend their grandchildren’s christening if the ex is going to be present.

And the ones who refuse to be part of their children’s wedding if their ex spouse is coming with his/her new partner.

There are a whole lot of powerfully negative emotions associated with divorce.  There’s anger, there’s hate, and all the ones associated with grief and loss.

But anger seems to be the most prevalent especially during the divorce process.  And, as it’s well known, the source of anger is usually hurt.  Someone gets hurt and wants to hurt back.

But despite all this, divorce is not a license to destroy.

Here’s why:

  • Because, if anything, you both played a role in the final breakdown of your marriage.  If you don’t agree, ask yourself these questions.  Did you say yes to marrying him/her?  Did you ignore signs, hints and/or red flags around you at the time of dating?  Do you believe that you are absolutely not responsible in any, any way for the end of your marriage?  What could you have done different?
  • Because, where children are concerned, it stops being about you and your anger.  Of course you can express it as you please because it’s vital for the healing process that you do so, but don’t involve the children, don’t use them as messengers, advocates or spies and don’t involve them in adult issues.  What they really need right now is the adult in the room to provide them with security and affection so that their already shattered world is not destroyed beyond repair.   And that adult is you.
  • Because, unless there’s cause for concern, the relationship that the children have with the other parent is their relationship alone.   Divorce is not a license to destroy a relationship between the children and the other parent by holding them hostage because you’re not happy or due to lack of child support payments and increasing any negative effects of divorce on children.  Don’t be the one whom the children grow up to resent and begrudge because you arrested and broke a relationship that was so dear and critical to them.
  • Because anger is toxic.  Anger eats you up, not the person that it’s directed towards and holding on to it will not help you along your journey of living with or coping with divorce.  You operate with high levels of adrenaline and cortisol which affect your immune and cardiovascular systems.  Release the anger and you free yourself.  Yes, easier said than done but it’s definitely not impossible.  As Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”
  • Because the emotions of divorce cause you to hold yourself hostage to a past and a person you wish to rid yourself off.  Those emotions become you, you carry them and identify with them.  Then here on, those whom you meet along your way only get to know the person whose mind and soul carry anger and resentment.
  • Because no one can make you do anything you don’t want to.  This means that we are totally responsible for our actions, unless of course there’s a gun or some sort of threat involved.  But when we make decisions to behave a certain way, or do something destructive then that simply falls on our shoulders.  It’s all about taking responsibility.

Divorce is tough and can be ugly.  Destructive emotions run high, very high sometimes.

But it’s very possible to contain those feelings and stopping yourself from becoming either verbally or physically destructive.

There are so many ways.  It’s just a matter of finding what works for you and making your life after divorce as happy as you can get it to be.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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forgive and forget

Can you Forgive and Forget?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

So here’s the story…

My really good friend, Samantha (definitely not her real name) has been divorced for almost 7 years now but if you met her today, you would think it all happened 15 days ago. 

She goes on and on about her useless, lying, cheating ex-husband!

I don’t think Sam has one friend who has  not tried to encourage her to move on.  

“I have moved on!  Of course I’ve moved on!  Otherwise I wouldn’t be dating would I?”  She sings, “I have forgiven him but I will never, ever forget!”  That statement right there has become her line of defence, the  soundtrack to her life. 

In your own situation, have you been able to forgive and forget?

“I will forgive but I never forget” is one of those phrases that we use all the time.

Thing is such a phrase doesn’t actually mean anything.  So you can say what you like but the big question is this: At the end of the day do you have emotional closure?” Answer is no.  You see if you never forget it means that you keep remembering and when the memory hits you, your emotions are affected, especially when you are determined never to forget.

By not forgiving –

  • You have chosen to hold yourself hostage to your own past.  You have given up the power to not only create a new happy future but also surrendered the ability to enjoy the here and now.  No one else is doing this to you but you.  Like some once said, “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”  Try it and see.
  • forgive and forget
    “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”

    While you continue on your unforgiving route, you carry other emotions that can be so pervasive that they consume you and affect the way you are with others including friends, partners and your children.   To be unforgiving brings in anger and resentment, emotions that affect your heart and your mind.  Thing is, if you really want to “teach” your ex a lesson then forgive him/her.  Like Oscar Wilde said  “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”

  • Did you know that there are physiological benefits to forgiveness? Very briefly, here’s how:  when you carry a negative laden emotion such as being in the state of unforgiving (which carries other emotions such as anger and hurt), your body will continue to release such hormones as adrenaline and cortisol.  These will then affect both your immune and cardiovascular systems which can then make you vulnerable to illness and diseases. But when let go off those emotions then your body settles down and starts to return to self-regulation or self-healing.  What does forgiveness really mean?  Why is it so important to our wellbeing?  If you would like to know more watch Deepak Chopra’s video here on “How Does Forgiveness Heal” and read more here.

In the meantime, Sam’s ex has remarried, has a new family and has moved to a new city.  As for my dear friend any man who comes her way – “Not interested.  They are all the same” she sings.

Forgiving is not easy and maybe you need to learn how to forgive yourself first before you begin with anyone else.  Learn to forgive?  That’s freedom!  That’s a gift you give to yourself.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Conflict and Children of Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Where there’s divorce there’s usually conflict, almost always, the only thing that will differ is the intensity and duration of the conflict.

Helping children cope with divorce from the get go is vital if you’re to avoid as many negative effects of divorce on children as possible.

We all agree that conflict is a normal part of family life. What matters is how parents deal with it, how they resolve it and how they practice helping children cope with the situation.

There are many children of divorce who have had to endure, continuous conflict over several years while their parents learn how to cope with divorce and continue in their life post-divorce.

Living in a world where they are continuously faced with the uncertainty and fear of when the next fight or argument will come means they are living in a state of perpetual anxiety.  They may have done so over several years at which point this state of existence seems like the only thing they know.

Over time though, you may notice changes in your little one in which case you may need to seek help in order to restore their world into a less dangerous conflictual place and reduce the anxiety that maybe affecting them physically, emotionally and behaviourally.

Children of divorce have a way of learning how to cope with difficulties and this may in turn translate into them seemingly able to cope, but in reality, this coping mechanism maybe but a defence mechanism initiated by them to protect themselves from the insecure environment in which they exist.

You are your child’s best expert so you’ll know best if he/she is experiencing any of the following and how serious the situation maybe.

  • Behavioural problems. This is perhaps the most common and/or the most noticeable change. Children will often express stress, the lack of adequate support and anxieties through behaviour as opposed to words.  Depending on their age or maturity level, your child may not have the necessary vocabulary needed to express how they feel and even they may not understand why they feel or behave as they do.
  • Sleep disturbances. Your child is finding it difficult to fall sleep or remain asleep through the night or you may find that your child is sleeping more than usual (which maybe very normal in adolescence).  Either way, their usual sleep pattern is disturbed and erratic.
  • Children of divorce www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
    Conflict and Children of Divorce

    Psychosomatic symptoms. Your child maybe suffering from physical pain, which is very real to him/her but the doctors cannot find anything wrong with him/her. This could be caused by the stressful situation in which they live.  Think of yourself when you are stressed – do you suffer from throbbing headaches, upset stomach or lower back pain.  Where in your body do you feel the discomfort of your environment?  Same thing applies to your child.

  • Underachievement at school mainly due to lack of concentration.  Continuous conflict has a way of making it’s way into our system.  Depending on the severity of the conflict at home, your child maybe suffering from lack of sleep coupled with stomach upset resulting in reduced concentration in the classroom.
  • Regression. Where you child is now showing behaviour more consistent with his/her younger self; behaviours that they had outgrown but have now reverted back to, may include bed wetting, language (using baby talk for certain words) and a relapse in milestones once achieved now “forgotten”.
  • Where your child is no longer interested in things that she/he used to enjoy doing or taking part in.  Withdrawal from activities that he/she once enjoyed either at school or at home and preferring to alone time in a melancholic sort of way as opposed in replacing those past activities with new ones.

We, as adults and as parents, can and do underestimate children’s ability to understand and deal with feelings and relationships.

Like any other child in distress, children of divorce will appreciate you speaking with them and answering their questions as much as and as best as possible as you can.  This can go a long way in helping them deal with the situations.

It only takes a couple of minutes to stop, look and listen to our children.  Those couple of minutes are likely to determine how your child feels and behaves for the rest of the hour, day etc.

Give them permission to speak with you or someone they trust about the divorce and the situation in which they are currently living.  Doing this can open doors for communication to happen spontaneously in the future hence avoiding a whole lot of problems down the line.

Just letting them know it’s ok to ask and to enquire what happened and what is going on and letting them see that you, as the parent, can handle and contain their fears, worries and anxieties allows them to come to you.

If you are concerned about your little one(s) don’t hesitate to contact me on 07850 85 60 66 or email me at soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk

Warm hugs,

Soila

(Don’t forget to get your copy of When Love is Broken” – Children coping with divorce

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

You might be interested in

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