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Parental alienation

Dealing with Parental Alienation

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Unfortunately, during the divorce process or even after it’s all over,  a child may not only take sides but may slowly, gradually begin behaving hatefully towards one parent as a show of support for the other, usually known as the alienating parent.

Unfortunately this behaviour may not be of their choice but may be resulting from “coaching” being freely provided by the alienating parent.

I have had clients whose children have turned from the kind 5 year old they once knew to the most hate-filled 6 year old they had ever met.

But what the alienating parent seems to miss is that when their children behave this way towards their other parent, is not only hurts them to do this but it is terribly, terribly confusing.

How do I know? I’ll tell you in a minute.

Well not only do I know that, I also know that it takes a hell of a lot for a child to earnestly, honestly hate the other parent.

Why are they doing it then? Because they are being loyal to you, the alienating parent.  They don’t know any different.

They don’t have the maturity to see exactly what game you are playing…they don’t now, but they will one day, that I promise you.

The campaign of denigration you have been working on has been a good, strong and successful one. .

Each time you tell your child something horrible and negative about the other parent, each time you interfere and disrupt their relationship, your child is hurting deep down inside because you are hating on the only other parent they have.

Unfortunately however, at some point, the way you see and talk about your ex, will become the way your child sees and talks about their other parent.

So how do I know that each time they say something ghastly to the other parent it’s killing them inside?

Because I worked for several years as a Child Trauma Therapist at Victim Support Lambeth and some of the children I worked with were there as a result of the actions of one of their parents.

Dealing with Parental AlienationThe crimes included fire bombing a house while the children were inside with the real intention of killing them, a vicious attack on a mother, in front of the children, that put her in a coma and the premeditated killing of one parent by another.

The crimes that these parents had committed and put their children through were truly horrific but you know what, in the quiet of the therapy room, in the safety of those four walls, I never once met one of these children who didn’t want to see the perpetrator parent.

It was in this place that they would say that they miss them, that they would like to go visit them in prison and that they love them because, “He’s my dad.” Or “But she’s my mum.”

So as you go along your campaign of alienation, vilification and denigration, ask yourself

  • Whose agenda you’re working with?
  • What is your desired effect?
  • Are you running an agenda at the expense of your child?

And as you become successful in your crusade and war, and your child begins to resent, hate and detest the other parent, just keeping knowing that your children’s growth is not stunted and they are growing into teens, young adults and one day, they will know and learn what a disturbing game plan you had all along and they will feel ample bitterness towards you.

As Dr Phil so clearly puts it:

“Right now, you may think you’re winning because you have the children and they’re clinging on to you and he’s on the outside looking in the day will come when they will look at you and say why did I have to grow up without my daddy?”

Change your direction today.  Start dealing with parental alienation today.  If you don’t know how ask. Call me, call someone but do it for your child’s sake.

As parents, we so often say, I will do anything for my child, can you do this? Can you allow your child to have a healthy relationship with the other parent? Can you give him that? Can you allow that to happen for their own sake, health and wellbeing?

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

 

photo credit: NYC13 #02 via photopin (license)

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how to tell the kids about divorce

How to Tell the Kids about Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

How to tell the kids about divorce will firstly depend on their age.  But the answer to the question whether you should tell them at all when they appear too young to understand is yes.

Do tell them, talk to them, even when you believe they will not get it.

Then over the next few weeks or even month, just keep an eye on your child to make sure that he is coping as well as possible.

If you see any changes in behaviour don’t be afraid to mention it to them.  Remember some children won’t have the vocabulary nor the maturity to express themselves so they may need you to do it for them.

Tell her that you have noticed that she is finding it difficult to fall asleep ever since daddy moved out.

Acknowledging this is an easy and quick way to not only open the door for some conversation around the divorce, but will also most likely normalise his behaviour or feelings which in turn may help alleviate their concerns and worries.

If your children are at an age where they are likely to recall the moment you told about the divorce, then you need to keep this in mind and be ever more careful in the way that you handle it.

Please avoid putting the blame on either parent, even if it’s their fault in one way or the other. It may help you and make you feel vindicated and like the good parent but it really doesn’t help your child at all.

So here are some point on How to Tell the Kids about Divorce, each one is discussed further in the video below.

  • Choose the right time and place to tell them but avoid bedtimes or a couple of hours before bedtime. It would be best to tell them at a time of day where you can go on to spend the rest of the day with them so that they can ask questions if need be and begin to digest the news with you in the room or in the vicinity.
  • Choose a place that they’re familiar with e.g. at home. Avoid making it a special occasion or special new venue.
  • Don’t assume that the children know why you’re separating. Tell them why but avoid going into the nitty gritty details no matter what age.  Remember you’re the parents, the adults in the room and it’s towards you that they will turn for comfort, care and as a container for their anxieties, fears and sadness.  That’s why it’s absolutely crucial to look after yourself and get yourself a good support system.
  • Tell them together if at all possible. If not then let the other parent know when you are going to tell the kids about divorce. If you tell them without the other parent then let him/her know that you have told the children.  This is not for your ex’s benefit but for your children.
  • Again, if possible, agree on what exactly you’re going to tell them.  You will need, for their sake, to keep a united a front as much as possible.  This just helps them feel more secure and taken care off as opposed to being fed different stories from each parent.  This is very hard to do especially if you’re the one who has been left – but it’s not impossible.
  • Tell them it’s not their fault. There’s nothing they could have done to stop you both from beginning the divorce process just as there’s nothing they can do to fix it.  This may need to be repeated several times over a long period of time for the younger ones who are still at the developmental stage of their lives where they see the world from an egocentric point of view.
  • Remind them that they are loved by both parents and the separation is not because of them.  Sounds very cliched but you will be surprised how often this is not done and how parents assume that the children know this.
  • Acknowledge, verbally, the pain that they are going thorough. If you’ve experienced divorce yourself, tell them but at a later date when they will be able to hear what you’re saying.  If you tell them at the same time as you’re telling them about your own divorce, it becomes about you.  This is not the time.  They will be much more receptive later.
  • Be honest with the children. Don’t give them false hope. If you’re not getting back together, let them know. Don’t make promises that you cannot keep. Better to say, “I don’t know. I don’t have an answer to that now,” than promise them that you will see them everyday when you know that won’t be possible.  Be honest and as open as you can.
  • Don’t be be afraid of showing them that you are upset too, within reason of course, it gives them permission to be know that it’s ok to be upset.  But please don’t allow them to become your carers, especially as you go through the divorce process or divorce proceedings.  Don’t turn them into little adults that need to make sure that mummy is ok or that daddy has had dinner.  It’s not their place to do that.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Parenting after Separation

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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toxic parenting and children

Toxic Parenting and Children of Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

One of the difficult things about divorce is that, as a parent, you still have to continue parenting while you go through all those difficult and challenging emotions.

Unfortunately, there are parents who find it hard to differentiate their own feelings of anger, vengeance and hurt from the feelings that of their children are experiencing and lose focus of how their behaviour maybe affecting their little ones.

Truth is children need both parents, unless of course there are genuine concerns around safety.

Did you know that having fathers in your child’s life increases their chances to a better life as an adult?

Here is what to look out for in toxic parenting and children:

Remember that the divorce itself is a really important event in your child’s life but how you handle it is what matters most.

Here are some questions that you need to ask yourself if you’r wondering if you are practising toxic parenting or if you know someone who is:

– Are you making your child choose, in any way, between you and your ex partner?

– Do you involve your child in adult matters?

– Do you use your child as a messenger or mediator to pass on messages between the two of you? Do you try to use your child to fix a situation?

– Do you speak disparagingly about the other parent in front of your child or within ear shot? Have you embarked on a campaign of denigration with the aim of alienating the other parent?

– Do you use your child as a spy by questioning them about their time away with the other parent?

– Do you holding your child hostage from the other parent? Or are you Interrupting the relationship between your child and the other parent?

– Do you harm your ex in front of the children of within earshot of them? Be it verbally or physically?

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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how to get through a divorce

How to Get Through a Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

If you both decide that it’s best to go your separate ways then here are somethings you may want to keep in mind that I hope will show you how to get through a divorce.

Telling the children

No matter how you do it, remember that this will be a watershed moment in your child’s life.

Avoid making it a “special occasion” by taking them to the cinema, on to Pizza Express and finally telling them when it’s bedtime.  The best place to tell your children about the impending divorce would be in a familiar environment and the best time is a few hours before bedtime.

Telling the children about divorce is obviously never easy but it has to be done and as soon as possible. Avoid telling them that it’s a trial separation if you know that it’s not.  If the marriage has come to an end then tell them exactly that.

Be ready for your teenagers to be angry and embarrassed by you.  They are also very likely to take sides. This is what they do, so please don’t take it personally.

Your teenager may begin to withdraw from you and your family life, don’t let them go to far. Keep them as close to you as possible without being overbearing. Observe them and make sure you keep the door open for any conversation regarding the divorce to come in.

Your younger ones will also naturally be upset and will be able to show it overtly. They may have loads of questions and the wish that this was not happening will be strong. Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again, it is there way of trying to understand what is going on.

siblings and divorceDon’t assume that your little ones know why you are getting divorced, this includes homes where physical abuse has been present.

You will need to explain to them without getting into details like, “because mummy slept with Uncle Jo while I was in hospital getting better from the fall I had when I was trying to save her cat.”  They don’t need to know this. It helps you, not them.

How to get divorced?

Fortunately, in a weird sort of way, there are so many ways of getting divorced today.

You don’t have to go through the “traditional” route of using divorce lawyers and fighting it out in court. You may want to consider instead:

Just know what your grounds for divorce are – there are 5 in the UK and I urge you to do your research as in which divorce process would be best for you and the children.

If you decide to go through the divorce process by hiring divorce lawyers, then please do visit at least 3 before settling for one. Prepare your questions well before your meeting and take a friend with you who will help you remember what you were told.

Don’t go through divorce alone. It doesn’t help you in anyway to shut yourself out from the world.

Find a good support system from people around you whom you trust and whom you know will be objective, not just take your side because they are your friend.

What happens next?

Once you have told the children, picked the divorce process of your choice and found yourself a good support team (doesn’t have to be 10 people, 2 or three will do fine), be prepared for the journey.

What may start off as an amicable divorce is likely to turn nasty at some point, maybe temporarily so or as in most cases, during the whole duration of the divorce and beyond.

Divorce is hurtful, painful and can bring out the worst in you but when you know how to get through a divorce then the journey may indeed be less distressing.

One of the best pieces of advice that I was given at the time of my divorce was not to take things personally.  This is definitely extremely hard to do but it’s not impossible and once you’re able to do it, you will find no matter what your ex throws at you, you will be able to handle it much better and deal with it much more objectively.

Also, don’t make decisions when angry or upset. Remember,  as Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.” Just don’t make any moves when anger is the ruling emotion at the time.

Children need both parents, so I beg you, beg you, beg you, unless there are safety concerns, not to interfere with, disrupt nor sever your child’s relationship with the other parent. It’s one of the most unjust, unfair and unreasonable things you will ever do in your life. Do not parent from your own wounds.

As parents we always say that we will do anything for our children, let this be the case.  As much as you carry very strong negative feeling towards your ex, bear them well but keep your children out of it.

If you’re struggling or have any concerns about your little ones, call me – 07850 85 60 66 or email me soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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photo credit: Sad via photopin (license)

What Leaving my Kids Meant and Did to Me!

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Parental Alienation
Marie Abanga

I don’t know how many women leave a marriage and leave their children behind. I still don’t know how many openly talk about it to help and heal more.

I remember a comment Soila once made probably on a previous post of mine when she said she didn’t know many women would chose to leave their kids in that same ‘jail’ they were escaping from.

What I would admit even before proceeding, is the fact that guilt has a lot to do with ‘our shutting up’.

You see, society had long considered it more probable and even acceptable that the man should be the one leaving when a marriage sinks irretrievably. It was also and still is more probable and acceptable that the woman stays with the kids or in the ‘extreme or abnormal of divorces’, she leaves with her kids.

Well, a lot about me is unconventional and that is a whole book to be published soon.

Now, if I had money, if I knew what next, if I knew where next, or if I had a who next, I would have left with those I fondly call “The Real Men in my Life.”

But, I did not want to take all three back to my Mother’s. The eldest one, the one I brought to that marriage, could return to my mother’s but the other two were better off in the ‘jail’  I was escaping from.

It wasn’t a jail for them and to fast forward a bit, he even takes them on vacations now and buys them christmas gifts.

As I planned my escape, I talked with my men (in spite of their tender ages of 7, 5 and  2 as of when I left them in 2011), and painfully and tearfully explained to them what was at stake.

Yes it was and still is not easy. We miss each other so much, cry sometimes, laugh other times, write each other poems, emails, draw pictures and talk on the phone like once a week.

I still remember that famous May 26th when I packed them off to my Mother’s with letters already sealed for my parents and my ex.

leaving my kids
Drawing from one of my sons after leaving my kids.

I wanted them to go stay there a while before their father came to collect his own because I wasn’t sure how often he would let even my mother see them once he knew I had ‘vanished’.

If he had been there when I sent them off, he would have noticed something was wrong. He would have noticed how many things I sent them off with and how many times I hugged each of them and took pictures.

Now, making and taking the decision to leave my kids behind, is to me the ultimate sacrifice.  I have lost two other children but I got over those loses pretty quick. I had my first, lost a second, had a third, lost a fourth, then had a fifth so in between each lose there was ‘a spare and a quick, so to say, replacement’ that followed.

Therefore, you would understand that leaving my kids behind meant I was leaving my all behind. It took me six months to finally go after I had spoken with them. It took me eight months to even get to speak with them thereafter because their father wouldn’t let me speak to them nor let anyone give me their house number and all.

I would had no one to turn to and got no support from my family then because to them I was ‘literally lost in mind and body’.

Leaving my kids meant I was now on my own and for a moment, I believed that I could live just for me.

But no, leaving my kids, jolted me to further action.

Simply put, as Les Brown my primo motivational speaker puts it, I became ‘Armed and Dangerous’. I spared no opportunity I could to get out there and do better.  I dared to get those jobs I so wanted no matter what.

Leaving my kids behind did so much for me in the sense that it tried my pain and hurt to the max. The tears in my eyes pushed me to maturity but eventually that well ran dry.  It forced me loose any extra kilos left from my previous 115 kg self. Above all, as from that day, I stopped even thinking of ill health. A former patient like myself, who had already sort of abandoned the drives to the hospital, became one very healthy woman.

When I think of my kids, I know I don’t have any lame excuse to give not to sleep just four hours a day if that’s what it takes. When I think of my kids, which is 24/7 and all the seconds in there, I can go without food just so that one day they can come over and live with me and have the life l would have loved to have as a teen.

Yes, all I have now are the mails, some lucky skype calls with the one at my mother’s when she’s home like this morning or some poorly connected phone conversations when the weather is at its best either here or over there.

For the other other two, who remained with their father,  it’s been two weeks since we spoke. I heard this morning that ‘David my Shephard’ (one of my children) was sick but that it wasn’t serious. Even if it were, what can I do?

I miss their events and I’m sure you can list all else that I’m missing. Hey, I am even sure some will be judging me good bad or ugly and wishing they could…

Afterall, I have been called a witch back home and at some point their dad told them I  was dead.

I once read a blog where another woman tried to explain why she left her children and I was amazed at how many judges were in the single courtroom for a case they all knew nothing about.

Well, one other thing leaving my kids behind did to me, was to enforce this ‘spirit’ I have in me of ‘doing my thing’.

I am soon publishing my memoir and it was just approved by CreateSpace this morning.

That book thrills even me because it is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I keep saying I hope it helps and heals more than it hurts.

As for me, I probably left behind guilt, shame, self pity and that feeling of wanting to be ‘conventional’ or tow along in life, when I left my Kids behind.

Dear Reader of The Divorce Magazine, do you have similar experiences, comments or remarks you may want to share?

Marie Abanga

Twitter: @marieA2013

Feature photo credit: Sad via photopin (license)

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Tips on Co-parenting over Christmas – The Gifts Bit

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The gifts bit.

This can be one of the trickiest things to decide upon at Christmas especially when you and your ex are not on speaking terms or are experiencing anger, hurt and resentment towards one another.

Well, very, very briefly –

  • No, it’s not competition time to see who will get them the “bestest” present ever nor the most expensive!  Do continue getting them presents as you have always done, with them in mind, not revenge on your ex as motivation.
  • If this is their first Christmas following the divorce, try not to “ease” the pain by furnishing them with every single present that they see on TV.  If anything, a part from the tremendous expense, you will be setting a precedent on what they should be expecting from here on.
  • Too be honest, the gifts are important, but nowhere nearly as much as the experience of a peaceful celebration – especially in high conflict separations.  Do make sure they get that first.
  • If you can, decide between the two of you what each one of you will be getting the children.  This not only stops duplication but also a great way of knowing what they have and what they don’t have as well as what they need or don’t need.
  • If they want a particular present that is costly e.g. the latest games console and 3 games, then split the cost.  That’s what I did with my ex-husbands.  It worked well and was much cheaper and most importantly, the children were really happy.
  • Too many presents can be overwhelming – so if they are used to getting 5 presents then get them 5 and your ex can get them 5 too (one of the perks for children of divorced families, more presents!)

For peace, tranquility and serenity’s sake – Keep it simple.

Lots and lots of warm hugs,

Soila

 

Soila is a graduate member of The British Psychological Society, holds a Masters in Child Development and is a trained Family Mediator.  You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66.

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I want a Divorce – Contemplating Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

It is true that no two divorces are the same, but it is also true that there are some features and traits that run through the veins of most divorce processes.

If you find yourself thinking or stating, “I want a divorce,” or if you are contemplating divorce, here are some things that you need to keep in mind.

Firstly and in no particular order, it is very, very likely going to get rough.

I know of couples who start off their divorce process saying that they will not get into “it” but truth be told, you will at some point or other about one thing or another.

A divorcing friend once said to me, “Our divorce will not get as nasty as yours did,” but it did happen when it came to creating the parenting plan – a very common bone of contention in divorce.

Please, please, please keep in mind that this is quite normal in divorce. It is a fight and it may indeed become a full blown war. When this happens, don’t be surprised. It is part of the divorce process, as callous and dismissive as that sounds. But if you prepare yourself to see the worst side of your soon to be ex, then you will be better able to cope.

So get a good support system around you.  Someone or people who can be and remain objective as opposed to those who will only serve in fanning the flames of your anger, resentment and outrage. Someone who is comfortable enough to say to you, “Dont’ be silly, that’s a riduclous thing to say or do.”

Secondly, prepare to meet your worst side.

You will be astonished that you’re capable of the most awful thoughts, words and wishes than you ever thought yourself capable off.

You will utter the most awful things and you will have lethal and toxic emotions of the worst kind. Deal with them.

Accept that they are there but don’t let them govern, control or regulate your actions. Saying, “she made me do it,” will not cut it with the judge neither will “he asked for it!” The sooner you take responsibility for your own actions the better and the less frequently you will act upon them.

Just don’t make decisions when you are full of anger.  Leave it, sleep on it and keep in mind what Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”  Amen to that!

Thirdly, when the war erupts, don’t take it personally. Yes, I know, easier said than done, but I promise you, I

Contemplating divorce
When contemplating divorce, remember to keep the children out of it.

practised this during my second divorce and it helped PLENTY!  I still use it in my daily life and it turns out that it’s a very useful coping skill to have.

During the divorce process, you will fight and truth be told, you would behave in exactly the same way as your ex is if you were made of the same genes and had the same perspective and life experiences. He isn’t fighting you, he is fighting the situation.

She isn’t being hostile towards you per se, it is the situation, the divorce process, that is making her do so. In reality, she would behave the same way if you were Tom, Dick or Harry. It just happens to be you in the firing line or in the ring with her. And he would hate you just as much as he is now if you were Mary, Jane or Lucy – by the way is there the feminie equivalent of Tom, Dick and Harry?  I googled it but couldn’t find anything?

Fourthly, there are other ways of getting a divorce. The divorce process doesn’t have to involve divorce solicitors although, you may still need them at some point, especially if your are lucky enough to have a fairly amicable divorce.  Thankfully today, there are other ways round it. Think family mediation, collaborative law, McKenzie Friends or DIY through the courts. Find what suits you.

Fifth, as mentioned in previous point, get legal advice.  Many solicitors offer a 30 min free consultation. Prepare, prepare, prepare your questions in advance so you can cover as much as possible AND do take a friend with you because they will be better placed in retaining whatever information you get than you would be in this emotional time of your life . So two things, prepare whatever you need to know and take someone with you.

Sixth, remember to deal with your financial order. We have seen in recent times, Vince vs Wyatt, how not dealing with the your financial order and getting a clean break can come back to haunt you. Make sure you get it all done. All of it or as much of it as possible so nothing is left pending.

Seventh, the children have got nothing to do with your split yet everything to do with it. Please, please, please, keep your children out of it.

Look after them and don’t involve them in adult matters. They don’t need to know because they are unable to handle it. They don’t have the maturity to manage the situation. Instead contain their fears and anxieties.

Answer their questions as best as you can by using age appropriate vocabulary. Read up on the effects of divorce on children, why children need fathers or both parents and keep them in mind at all times as you create your age appropriate parenting plan.

If you are able to keep your children in mind, things fall into place because you have a focus, a focal point that is made up of the hearts, minds and wellbeing of the most important people in your life as you both are to them.

Divorce can get crazy and it usually does. Your soon to be ex becomes your enemy, the last person that you want to see or the last voice you want to hear. The mention of their name sends anger spasms through your body, mind and spirit.

For some, not all, but I dare say most, the divorce process does happen like this but it doesn’t have to stay this way.  You alone can control your side of things, your way of handling situations and how well your children cope with the divorce process.

Here are 3 Friedrich Nietzsche quotes that I hope will help in any way possible:

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.

There are no facts, only interpretations.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

It may not look like it now but there is life after divorce.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star-rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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co-parenting over Christmas

Tips on Co-parenting over Christmas – Part 2

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo

Child Trauma Therapist

Founder of The Divorce Magazine

For some, this will be your first Christmas as a divorced parent.

Some of you may have been through family mediation so have a plan all set out as to how you will be co-parenting during this time while some of you are wondering just how to work it out from here on.

Trick is to start with this first Christmas and if your co-parenting plan works out then stick to it until when you need to adjust it.

If it doesn’t work out this time, then you have 11 months to plan how to deal with it next time.

The best thing you can do for your children is to keep them in mind and find a plan that really, truly works for them.

If you’re struggling with reaching an agreement then do consider seeing a trained family mediaitor who can help both of you reach an agreement that works for you.

Anyway, here are some co-parenting ideas that you could try this Christmas.

  • If there is great distance between you and your ex, distance as in geographical not emotional, then you might want to consider alternating Christmas holidays i.e. one year your partner has them over the entire holidays and then next year you have them.  This has worked very, very well in my case.  If you are the one without the children then please do plan what you will do with your time. You will miss the terribly of course, so make sure you have not only a plan but also a support system around you.  Then remember that next year it will be you spending the holidays with your little ones.
  • If you are close enough to walk or drive then consider splitting the day itself.  I met an adult who said that this was how it worked in her family and her and her sister loved it because they got to not only see both parents and extended family on Christmas day, but they got to open two sets of presents too! They would start by having Christmas lunch with their father and then dinner with their mum.
  • Another way of alternating is that one of you has the children on the day itself, i.e. 25th and then the other on 26th and the next year you alternate, you have them on the 25th and your ex-partner has them on the 26th
  • Maybe you could have them on 24th, Christmas eve and do a whole Christmas dinner with other family members e.g. grandparents, open the gifts and truly celebrate and in the morning they could then go off to your ex-spouse home and do the whole thing again with his family

Whichever way you decided to go, put yourself and your emotions to one side, then go off and vent to one of your friends or family if need be but allow the children to go and enjoy Christmas with their mother or their father whatever the case may be.  Make it about them only.  They will thank you, maybe not today or tomorrow but they will one day.

[You can find part oner by clicking here]

Warm holiday hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce and the creator of the five-star rated online parenting course Raising Children of Divorce. 

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Going through divorce

How to Help a Friend Going Through Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

It goes without saying that going through divorce is an emotionally charged process or journey.

So what can you do when someone tells you their marriage is over?

Here are the dos when helping a friend going through divorce:

  • Just listen. You don’t need to come up with any solutions. You don’t need to offer any advice. You don’t need to do anything else other than listen. Be ready for those long telephone conversations and repetition about incidents and things that the spouse has done/said.
  • Take the initiative. Go see your friend, be with him, call her. Sometimes people going through divorce feel, for various reasons, that they cannot approach others for help. Don’t leave it up to your friend to ask for help. Offer it and keep doing so.
  • Do continue to invite her out for social events. It’s amazing how once you become single, the dinner parties and social events invites become thin on the ground. Get him out of the house as much as possible, keeping in mind that there will be times when your friend may prefer to be on his own which is fine too.
  • If they are going through solicitors, attend the meetings with her and take a notebook/pad to take notes.
  • Encourage your friend to keep the long view in mind, especially where children are concerned. We make strange and weird decisions when in anger.
  • Do offer practical help e.g. cooking or looking after the children

And here are the don’ts.

  • Don’t take sides. Remember that no matter what, the ex-spouse was/is someone whom your friend loved enough to marry and have children with. Also, you never know, they might just come back together. If you would like to continue being friends with both of them, then let them know.
  • Don’t fan the flames of anger and resentment. Don’t share in his anger as a means of showing support. It’s not your anger to have and to hold. Divorce can be resolved with dignity. Yes it can.
  • Don’t push your experiences onto them. If you have been through divorce yourself, by all means share your experiences but allow her to make his own legal decisions. Your experience was yours and each case is different. If you have information that can be beneficial, offer it but expect that it might not be the best one for her.
  • Don’t rush them through the coping process but instead allow them to really feel the emotions and live through them. It’s all about processing what has happened and/or what is happening.
  • Don’t start planning and organising blind dates for them. Let them find their way. Under the same breath, if they seem too eager to start dating almost immediately, speak with them about this as it might just be a means of getting away from the pain and loneliness.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

 

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6 Essential Steps to Helping Children Cope with Divorce

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I have been working with children and families for over 12 years now specialising in the area of trauma, loss and bereavement and what I have found is that, what has happened is important, but what is even more crucial is how it’s handled.

When parents go through divorce, it can affect children in various ways depending very much on the process itself and the after care.

The divorce process is already hard enough, physically, emotionally and mentally. Parents will at times not be able to care for their little ones as they wish to because they are just not emotionally and mentally available or they may behave in a way that they believe is conducive to their child’s well being but in honest truth it’s only beneficial to them.

The most important things to remember when helping children cope with divorce are the following:

  • Get yourself some support. Put your own support system in place that will look after you by being objective as opposed to one that will fan the flames of your anger or negative emotions. Use the people you have chosen or who have offered you assistance to vent your emotions, look after the children while you rest or get on with whatever you need to do and who will even be happy to accompany you to various appointments e.g. your solicitor if need be. Don’t go it alone and please don’t be afraid to ask.
  • What Fathers Need to Know About Child Maintenance and Helping Children Cope with DivorcePay attention to the questions your children ask about what has happened or what is happening. It’s easy to assume that they understand why the divorce is happening while in most cases they don’t really get it and this applies to teenagers too. So do answer their questions as best as possible and as honestly as possible.
  • Avoid making promises that you know are out of your control. For instance don’t promise that you and daddy or mummy will eventually get back together, that it’s just a temporary separation or that you will see them every weekend if you know that that has not been agreed to yet.
  • Create parenting plans that are appropriate for their age. A parenting plan created for a 3 year old is unlikely to work on a 10 year old. Also be prepared to adjust the plan as your child grows. In teenage years for instance, they will wish to spend more time with their friends than you and the family. That is absolutely developmental appropriate and expected.
  • If at all possible, trying using a family mediator or a Mackenzie friend to help you through the divorce process.   They are not only much cheaper than going through solicitors and the courts, but, and more importantly, play a vital role in keeping you and your ex-partner focused on what needs to be done while making sure you don’t stray due to emotions running high. Creating a parenting plan and sorting out the finances can be done in only a few sessions.
  • Do let your child’s school know what is going on. You child spends a lot of his/her waking time at school so he/she will need looking after there as much as at home. Also school will let you know of any behavioural changes that they may have noticed since the divorce.
  • If you are concerned about your child’s experience and changes in behaviour, then do contact a professional who can help you continue parenting your child as you would like. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing this, on the contrary, it means that you are continuing to look after your child by getting you and him/her help so as to make them feel better.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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helping children cope

Losing Focus of the Children During Divorce? Let me Count the Ways

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

As a person who works with parents going through divorce, the tough part is seeing how a parent’s anger and need for vengeance takes precedence over her children’s wellbeing or his child’s welfare.

There will never, ever be a time in a child’s life where it will be ok to put them in situations where mental anguish and emotional distress become part of his or her day.

Yet you would be surprised how many divorcing parents do this to their children over and over again because they have lost focus, become distracted and blinded by anger, hurt and revenge so much so that they begin running an agenda at the expense of their child who is then left to pick up the tab.

Losing Focus of the Children During Divorce?  Let me Count the Ways

  • When you chose to interrupt your child’s relationship with the other parent by keeping the two apart, sometimes, very, sadly for the rest of their childhood forgetting that one day, one day, this little child is going to grow up and you will have to answer to them and explain why they had to grow up without a daddy.  You’d better have a really good response.

    If this is something you’re doing at the moment, you may think you’re winning because you have the children and that you’re succeeding in hurting him, but keep in mind that your children will resent you for that one day. The backlash on you is definitely looming.

  • When you involve your children in adult matters that they neither have the ability to comprehend nor do anything about. Children who are sent to school, dropped off at the gate and told to have a good day, after being informed that on that very day, there was going to be a court hearing to decide who his/her is going to live with. Or the child who knows exactly how much money is being paid towards maintenance and when this isn’t forthcoming they not only hear about it over and over again, but they live through it and suffer the consequences of something they really have no business knowing.

children of divorceWe wouldn’t allow anyone to inflict harm on our children, in fact, I know many parents who would rather die or be imprisoned than watch their children being harmed, mentally, emotionally or physically, yet, here they are doing the same thing to their children because…they are angry with the ex!

  • When your insidious curiosity about what is going on in the other home drags your children into the role of spy and reporter.  “Who was there? What did you do? How long did they stay?”
  • When your unwillingness to communicate with your partner turns your children into messengers and go betweeners, commonly seen when it comes to telephone conversations. You child picks up the phone and says, “Daddy would like to speak with you.” You don’t want to so you say, “Ask him what he wants.” And on it goes. During this time, all your child is feeling is fear, frustration and anxiety. He doesn’t want to be there but you have both put him there. Or you drop off your child with a message for your ex, “Tell mummy I can’t make it next weekend. I’m going out of town.” And off you drive, leaving your child to pass on a charged message. Right there you’ve used your child as a buffer.
  • When your unwillingness to get on and communicate turns your child into the mediator and all they do is try to appease the situation between the two adults in the room.
  • When you decide that the stress you’re going through right now with visitation and contact is more important than seeing your own children so you decide you “cannot take it anymore” and you cut off contact without explanation, notice nor reason.  Many years down the line, you try and explain to your child that you couldn’t take the stress and then listen to him telling you what it was like growing up without a father or mother.
  • When you allow for your child to become your carer. That they look after you, make sure that you are ok.  When you turn to them to tell them of your woes, worries and suffering since their other parent left. When you tell them, in not so many words, that you cannot cope when they are not there, when they have gone off with their other parent which in turn means that even when they are away, they are concerned about you instead of just being children.

Divorce is hard.  I know that.  I have been through it twice so I do know and understand, but like I said right at the beginning, there will never, ever be a time when your own needs preceed those of your children’s wellbeing, welfare and happiness.

If it means putting up with your ex to make sure that your children are thriving between two households then so be it.

If you’re finding it hard to cope because your ex is determined to make your life hell, then find or create your own support system, see a therapist if that’s what it takes.  She or he will be able to provide you with coping skills that can help you now and in the long run.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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anger doesn't end with divorce

Anger Doesn’t End with Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo

Child Trauma Therapist

Founder of The Divorce Magazine

No, unfortunatly it doesn’t. Anger doesn’t end with divorce.

For so many going through divorce, the crossing of the threshold to a new life seems to be the eagerly anticipated sound of the decree absolute landing on the doormat.

We believe in earnest that once the divorce is over, then we can get on with our lives allowing for a good life after divorce without the ex that we are dying to get rid off.

We have divorce parties to celebrate with well thought out and decorated divorce cakes to go with it or we go out for celebratory drinks and meals with friends because the divorce papers have been signed, divorce process is over and now all that is left is to look forward to moving on and eventually start dating again.   It’s done and dusted and there’s no looking back.

And for some it is.

For me, the arrival of the decree absolute was such an anticlimax!

Truth is though that anger doesn’t end with divorce.

If the divorce process was shrouded in hostility, bitterness and animosity then it’s safe to assume that these emotions will not simply dissipate now that the marriage is over.  You still have to parent your children together and  you will still need to communicate at some level or other.

A good friend of mine firmly stated the other day, that she would not be attending her son’s graduation ceremony if he’s going to be there. She was justifiably annoyed by something her ex had done and/or said a couple of weeks prior.

Thing is, and I’m sure most of you will agree with me, it’s not just the graduation, there will be loads and loads of other ceremonies where you and your ex are bound to meet.  Think, school events, graduation ceremonies, birthdays, weddings, christenings and all the other ceremonies in between and beyond.  What will happen then?

So unfortunately, anger doesn’t end with divorce because anger is indeed the culmination of a myriad of other emotions including hurt and fear.

So this is what I suggest to you, if you have had a truly acrimonious divorce, if you continue and continue to feel angry about the whole process or for whatever reason – be honest – then do something about it.  Deal with it, see someone and learn how to cope with your ex because your life together is not over yet.

Best pieces of advice I ever got –

  • Don’t take it personally.  He would have been behaving the same way he is with someone else.  It just happens to be you.
  • It is what it is.
  • When in an argument – look from the outside in. Remove yourself and become an onlooker.  This helps to disengage with the process and you actually see things differently – comes with practice and works in soooo many other situations.

So, if you’re going through the divorce process now and you have children between you, I hate to be the one to tell you this but, you’re not done with your spouse or the parent of your child, so find a system that will help you cope with life as a co-parent and remember, as someone once said, your ex is not your child’s ex so keep them out of your clashes, bickering and quarrels.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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